I haven’t been to the ‘red light’ district in Amsterdam, but I’m reading a John Irving book that features it in one chapter. So I was thinking that the behavior of the prostitutes,  in order to get business is extremely competitive because they’re all basically offering the same thing. It’s just that some of them are a little classier or maybe prettier or thinner or whatever. What they have to do is flaunt it.

Rich people, rich society, in Joburg anyway, is just like that.  It’s the way people behave.  At least the prostitutes – in their defense – are doing it to make a living. Not the A-list Joburgers. They stuff it in your face, they aren’t artistically posing nude – they’re blatantly fucking naked!!! Watch as they pull up next to you in one of their fancy big cars. They want you to see – exposing themselves without a flicker of modesty.

I know that I’ve wanted to be that. I saw the display and just as they expected, wanted it. How sad. How pathetic.

Is it possible to be rich and not flaunt it in order to get people to envy you? Is it a source of motivation to get ordinary people to envy you? Does it have to be such a blatant pose? I know how it feels to cruise up to an old beatup in your brand new Discovery, because I’ve driven one. Not mine. And it still causes these sort of superiority issues. Poor people are not good. If I’m rich ‘they’ look up to me. I’m envied.

But any fool can buy a car. Any fool can buy an iPhone. It’s not like they invented it, or designed it, they just paid up the inflated price. Who’s the fool?

I’m coming right, my thinking IS changing. I don’t need to be rich anymore. I just need to be more in other ways. More than I am now in character, dignity, integrity… Aspiring to be rich is depressing. Look at the rich – not their stuff – look at them. Do you want to be like that? Do you want to become a judge of all things less than you? Can you see how that will end up?

It’s wise to judge only yourself – your judgement of others is probably so completely wrong anyway. Leave the judging to God. Hope that when he judges you, he doesn’t use your harsh critical measure. Hope that he doesn’t despise your lack of fine clothes, shoes and flashy car. Hope that he is merciful because you did have so much, and all you wanted was more. More, so that you could become worse, look down on others, be more aloof.

like a dog
that won’t come

a bird
that refuses
to sing

or a cat
that won’t hunt

what if
I just sat here
all damn day

listening to Nina

the sound
of all that pain
washing over me
like rain

(D. James)

Hello there Studio Readers. Guess what? I have Google Wave invites. Are you interested? Send me an email on my Contact page and tell me why you want one and the email address to which you would like the invitation sent. First come, first served. Come on in – the water’s fine!

Firstly, there was no blog last week as I was doing a consultancy for the university in Abu Dhabi, of which, more later.

In a recent article in Technology Guardian, the author discussed ’searching beyond Google’ and argues that Google is no longer the leader by a country mile over other search engines, as perhaps it once was. Nowadays, Victor Keegan argues, Google is more of a brand and other search engines, including Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine, have caught up. What Keegan suggests is that we try newbies such as Leapfish or Duckduckgo and that one of the features of these search engines is that you search in real time but also link with social networking sites such as Flickr and YouTube. He also suggest using Monitter as an alternative search engine. Keegan admits, as we all have to, that none of these new search engines will replace Google but they do provide alternatives and who knows, maybe even some competition.

Last week I was in Abu Dhabi, as a consultant reviewing a teacher librarian programme. When you are in the middle of Abu Dhabi, with its constant 3 or 4 lanes of traffic which goes on steadily for most of the 24 hours in a day and completely blocks up at peak periods; and with its multitude of skyscrapers and its streets bustling with people (mostly men); and its poorer back streets; then you might wonder why it is being promoted as a tourist destination. The answer lies in its developments such as the Al Raha Beach but also in its cultural icons such as what is known as The White Mosque which looked spectacular as I passed it in the car. Would I be a tourist there? Maybe – check it out,

I am quietly sinking in, slowing down.  I make a list of six things to do with my time, and it takes all day.  I snooze, I flop, I make endless trips to the bathroom, but my days are full.  I’m stretching into a new shape.  I’m getting things done.

One idea I had about maternity leave was that I must write.  Everyday.  But what does that mean?

It’s not hard to get out a notebook and scribble three pages each morning.  It’s not hard to find things to blog about, either.  But I want productive writing.  I want to grow a writing career alongside growing myself, and the brand new person I haven’t met yet.  What does  that look like?

How do I start?

I apologize for the rambling nature of this post.

Oh man, I thought it was basically over.  But here it comes again.  Early life crisis part two (or really at this point probably part three or four).  Maybe it’s a false alarm.  But the good thing is, there’s no way it can be like before.  That was the worst man.  But yet, here am again, questioning what I’m doing with my life, where I want to be, etc.  Maybe it’s because I just wrote two posts on here about it.  Or maybe I was already thinking about it in the back of my mind and that’s why I wrote those two posts.  I mean here’s the thing (actually there are a lot of things, but this is one of them).  I decided what I want to do with my life.  And I was happy with the decision.  I’m still content with that decision.  I think I could be happy in that career and I think I would be good (possibly even great) in that career, but when I really look at it, something is missing.  I’ve always been told I can do great things.  I’m an intelligent, passionate, driven person.  And I get weird about talking about it and don’t really like to say it.  But really, I have to admit that I am intelligent.  But what I’ve always struggled with is what to do with that.  Because I want to make a difference.  I want to make an impact on the world.  And while I will always do little things to make a difference (see post #2), I really, truly want to do something big.  And this time I’m not necessarily talking about making a difference.  Because I can do that in many ways.  I’m talking about my career.  Because I know I have the ability to do something big if I put my mind to it.  And that’s what I want to do.  But that’s not enough to know what my career should be.  You can do that in so many ways.  You can become an incredible filmmaker, you can become the CEO (or founder) of a great company, you can make an invention of some sort, you can cure cancer, you can become a renowned doctor, and for that matter you can simply become renown in whatever field it is that you are in.  But I still don’t know where I can do that.  But I do know that I want to have a goal that big.  I want to have something to reach for.  Because only then will I truly be driven to my full potential.

UPDATE: After getting into a discussion about this with a friend, I discovered what I really want is something that challenges me intellectually.  Because I get bored easily if I’m not challenged.  I think that’s what I was getting to in the above post, but it was nice to have it stated more clearly.  Now if I could only figure out something I would enjoy that does that.  Hmp.

Today is a day I need to mark with celebration, or at least a little quiet introspection.  It feels like a milestone of sorts.

Today I start maternity leave.

I’m home alone.

I’ve been working full-time more or less, for the past ten years.  On the odd occasion when I’ve been out of the office on a week day, I’ve wandered around public places like an anthropologist on a far-away mission.  The daytime people (grandparents, mothers with strollers, students set free from classrooms) seem like a whole other tribe.  And now, for the next twelve months, I’m joining them.

It seems odd to have so little structure to my day.  Luxurious, but a little wasteful, too.  I have a lot to do, but most of it is solitary, which is the biggest oddity of all.

I’m not going to be alone for long.  The baby shrugs and turns as I write that, reminding me that our journey together has already begun.

Any suggestions on how I should mark these changing days?

It has been almost 3 months since I have been downsized  from my job as a Casino Manager.  I have sent a gazillion  resumes out in cyberspace.  These resumes show my casino experience as well as my previous experience as a social service specialist.  Gone, it seems, are the days of needing a job, looking for a job, and starting work.  It used to be that when you needed a job, you looked in the newspaper or talked to people you knew.  You filled out an application and were called in for an interview.  You put on your best business attire and set-out to land a job.  People that had the ability to hire you, actually talked to you.  You were able to show your personality and your strengths.  Now it seems as if all a company cares about  is what is found in your resumé.  Resume’s are cold and impersonal.  No matter how fine-tuned you have made your resumé, it is still just a piece of paper.  A resumé doesn’t show your smile, your empathy, your social skills, your abilities to make someone comfortable.  All it shows is the facts, and even those facts are  easily manipulated.  How do you make that connection?  You know when you just click with someone.  How does a resume show that?

Companies are receiving so many resumes that they apparently do not feel the need to follow-up on them.  No one seems to realize that there is a real person sitting out there, waiting to hear something back from the company.  I recently sent a resume for a position that I am very well qualified to fill.  I waited 3 days and followed my resumé up with a phone call to check the status of my application.  The company let me know  that my resumé had been received and that it was very good and that I certainly had the qualifications that they desired.  I was also told that they had received 157 additional resumes since receiving mine.  Companies can and do take their time going through each of these resumes.  In the meantime, I am running out of resources.  I am questioning whether or not I will ever have health insurance again.  I am looking into other avenues to support myself.  I am blocked by a lack of finances when it comes to most new ventures.  I am almost 58 years old and never thought that I would find myself in this position. 

I would like to do something with my photography.  Maybe I can specialize in senior citizen portraits?  Maybe I can sell some of my photo art pieces?  Maybe I can find a publisher for the children’s book I wrote years ago?  I need to find a niche and fill it.    I’m bright, I’m funny, I’m personable, I’m adaptable, and I need a job!

Rising for the wake of night,

The scent of wine pours over light;

And through the stems of crystal wares,

Comes the moment pistillum bares.

Michael

This whole song is pretty representative of how I feel about my life right now, so I don’t really need to say anything more <3.

lovelovelove Sara Rebekah

A lot of discussion out there.

Here’s a collaborative effort by the Woods Hole gang (NLM Alumni) – http://docs.google.com/View?id=ddw7xpw7_16hcjb8td8

They say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results. ** I guess I’m crazy then, because I continuously gravitate towards the same types of jobs that make me unhappy or get me no closer to any kind of fulfillment.

Like yesterday. I answered an ad for a part-time Adult Store Clerk because I’m looking to make some extra bucks. The rent in Montclair is absurd, and sometimes I wonder if I didn’t make a rash, impulsive decision moving there. Anyway, you might wonder why a gal like me’d want to work in a porn store…or, maybe you wouldn’t, if you knew me at all. Besides the potty mouth and raunchy sense of humor, I have experience hawking XXX movies.

That’s right. From scanning titles like “What Got Grandpa Harder?” at Palmer Video in the early 90s to writing a sex column entitled “Ask Rose Beef” and booking porn stars for photoshoots in the early 00s, I’ve seen pussies, tits, mouths and assholes get poked, prodded, pinched, pounded, puckered, pummeled and pile-drived (or is it driven?) in every possible way. That my oral skills have been described with words like “artist” “amazing” “talented” is no mystery and no cause to brag. I simply watched the pros (women AND men) suck cock repeatedly, and I picked up a trick or two. You girls and boys can try it at home, too!

Speaking of repeatedly: back to jobs. I’ve been a florist twice and a florist’s driver once. Two days ago I applied to a florist to make bows for $10 an hour. It’s one of the skills I managed to retain. I’ve been a waitress twice and a catering waitress once. I’ve been an Editor and Writer and Proofreader several times and I apply to jobs like these every day. I’ve pushed porn a bunch of times—at Palmer Video, and writing for mags like Hot Chocolate, Cuddles, Cleavage and Shaved Orientals. I once worked with a start-up called Sinister Studios and we aimed to produce real live porn. We shot one solo girl masturbating and then I parted ways with them. I really have no desire to do that sort of thing anymore. And I almost partnered with a guy opening the Romantic Emporium on Route 17 or some shit. I can’t remember, I’ve had so many jobs. Oh, and I also worked with a guy helping him recruit girls for his Tantric Sex studio. Almost forgot that one.

This pattern of doing the same jobs over and over got me where I am today—working full time as a writer at a job I hate and applying to the same kinds of part-time jobs that got me here. I think that’s definitely the definition (def the def of) CRAZY!!

Aurora Snow, porn star

And still I wonder if it’ll be different this time around. The selling of the sex toys, the recommending of the strawberry lickable lube, the suggesting of “Cumshitters 23.” In my plea for employment, I actually wrote this sentence in my email:

        “I’m knowledgeable about toys as well, and sensitive to people’s apprehension about them. I’d be great at convincing a woman who’s never done anal before to buy a butt plug, for instance.” Today I got a response email from the guy:

Rachel,
           I have received your email and was very impressed with your knowledge of the industry.  I wish that I did have a postition for someone of your expertise.  Our sales positions do not pay even close to what you are looking for and being a growing company right now with only 2 stores, managers are not needed right now.  I do appreciate your interest and hope that you will still come enjoy a shopping experience at our store.  Thanks again and take care.
 
Joe

Oh well.

Jobs I also applied to this week include:
•   Princess for children’s parties

•   Photographer

•   Voiceover work

•   Game host at North Jersey bars

•   Editor for thesis papers

•   Limo driver

DO ANY OF THESE LOOK LIKE ME?

I think the tags for this blog could be:
lost    aimless    searching    confused    retarded    cocksucker
 
  ** I even went to college repeatedly. Bergen Community College, Essex County College and Rutgers Newark.

Simon wanted to show Peter the money

This passage came in as a suggested topic, so let’s go for it:

 “ ¹⁸When Simon saw that the Spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles’ hands, he offered them money ¹⁹and said, “Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit.”

 ²⁰Peter answered: “May your money perish with you, because  you thought you could buy the gift of God with money!” -Acts 8:18-20

 I love this passage because it shows that people haven’t changed in thousands of years and that the Bible is more applicable than ever. Simon we know from earlier verses was a popular sorcerer of the time and probably was very accustomed to charging people for his services (just like witch doctors of today) thus naturally he offered cash for the Holy Spirit. But the Holy Spirit is only given to those who believe by faith. In fact, Ephesians 1:14 says the Holy Spirit is a deposit of our salvation and salvation is through faith by grace alone. (Eph. 2:8).

 So we can’t buy God’s gifts, that’s why they are gifts. Gifts are only gifts if they are free. We can not  buy or earn salvation. Giving to our churches or to Alana and I will not earn salvation, or the Holy Spirit or any gifts. What price could ever even be enough to earn God’s favor? You think buying for the person who ‘has it all’ is tough, try buying for the Creator of all.  

 But the world tells us different everyday. We can buy security, freedom, happiness, pleasure and satisfaction. If we are really honest, we all know we have trusted things of this world to brings us these needs. Whether it’s buying the right vacation, right home, investing in right places, paying for extra insurance or being generous to hope God will be.

 These things aren’t bad in themselves, but they give us an opportunity to trust in things that aren’t God. And that’s bad. Simon was not unlike you and me, he trusted in this passage for money to be his ticket to God’s gifts. We think money will get us closer to God or get us things to satisfy where alone God can.

 But what if we had the opposite view of trust, God and money from Simon’s? We will explore more about money next week.

Watch this powerful video by Johnny Cash “Hurt”, shortly before his death in 2003. Can put money, fame, power in perspective.

There are so many search tools available in Google that this past August when I presented at the Google Teacher Academy in Boulder, Colorado, I named my presentation “Google Search: At A Mile A Minute”. I spoke as fast as I could and showed as much as I could in the 30 minutes I was allotted.

But, I have to tell you that it’s tough to stay on top of all the options that Google comes out with for Search. It is worth the effort though.

Today at the monthly NJECC meeting, Samantha Morra, Sarah Rolle, Liz Bagish and I will be presenting part 1 of a 2 part series on Google Apps to our organization. We are all Google Certified Teachers, so we divided up the topics we wanted to cover and I chose Google Search.

This is the list of Search features I’ll be demonstrating and why I chose these specifically. (Bear in mind that I only have about 25 minutes.)

Google Show Options – We’ll be talking about addressing all learners and looking in information in different formats.

Wonder Wheel

Timeline

Also along these lines we’ll look at Google Squared.

I’d also like the group to know that their schools can import their entire libraries into Google Books and what information they can see about each book there. I’ll focus on:

1. Table of Contents
2. Searching the Book
3. Popular Passages
4. Book Reviews
5. References from other Books
6. References from Scholarly Works

This will lead nicely into Scholar Search which we’ll touch on briefly. (Well, everything will be brief, right?)

We’ll cover that Google Scholar searches:

• Reputable articles
• Journals
• Books

We’ll also make clear that Google Scholar does not search:

• Newspapers
• Magazines
• Blogs
• Popular websites

I wanted to show the NEW Google Image Swirl and I will when I show everyone some advanced Image Search strategies including Similar Images, usage rights and searching by color, picture size and style.

We’ll look at Insights for Search and what the trending topics are for New Jersey for the last 30 days. We’ll talk about how students can compare this information to other parts of the U.S. and other countries.

Lastly, we’ll make sure that people know how to be alerted to any information that is important to them using Google Alerts. I will demonstrate to benefit of Google Alerts and suggest them for your school, district, people you know (like relatives), yourself and topics you are interested in.

I’m hoping everyone is able to learn a few new search techniques. Everyone has their own style, so not every tool I show them will necessarily meet their needs or the needs of the students in their classrooms. And I know I’m leaving so many great search tools out. But I only have 25 minutes.

In my first tech post, I discussed about the magnitude of the Internet. Yes, the Internet is huge. In fact, the word “Internet” is so huge that its first letter “I” is capitalized all the time. So, you might ask, how do we get the best out of the Internet? What can I use the Internet for?

A recent survey showed that the vast majority of people use the Internet for only email communications and searches. This means, a lot of people don’t use the Internet to its full potential. So, I have decided to post this article and give you some ideas on how you can further use the Internet.

Some of the things I personally use the Internet for include, but not limited to:

Communications

• Emailing family and friends
• Video and voice chatting in VOIP applications – such as Skype
• Chatting live with friends and family using Instant Messaging (IM)
• Making and receiving business phone calls (Sitting in Vancouver, I have phone numbers in 40+ major cities around the world all using the Internet – hope to have a number in Ethiopia one day)
• Conference calls (e.g.: gotomeeting.com, fastsupport.com, etc.)

Finance

• Banking online (fund transfers, etc.)
• Paying my bills (hydro, phone, taxes, etc.)
• Buying and selling stocks
• Wiring funds all over the world (using my bank account, paypal, etc. – now we have a great local service to send money to Ethiopia from www.liyu.ca)

Entertainment

• Downloading and listening to my music library
• Watching videos

News and Current Affairs

• Reading news (never bought newspaper since 1998)

Data Protection

• Backing up all my files online, including photos, videos, music (as a precaution against computer theft, fire, flood, etc. – my files are protected. Recommended online backup service providers are found here)

Publishing

• Publishing my 100+ websites and blogs
• Marketing myself and my services (e.g.: on Twitter, FriendFeed, Delicious, Tumblr, Multiply, BlogMarks, Faves, etc.)

Networking

• Connecting with old and new friends at social networking sites (e.g.: LinkedIn, Facebook, Myspace, etc. Although, I have never used the Internet for dating purposes, I have friends who have met their significant others using dating sites)

Time Management

• Scheduling events and tasks using my online calendar
• Managing all my contacts

Searching

• Searching information I need, like phone numbers, addresses, and anything in between

Technology

• Learning programing languages
• Keeping up with the latest in the technology realm

Researching and Learning

• Researching any academic papers
• Finding valuable industry white papers
• Taking online university courses
• Recording lectures using Audacity

Information

• Checking the weather locally or internationally
• Checking the local traffic hot spots using online webcams
• Finding location using map sites, for example, Google Maps and Street View

Notifications

• Sending automatic email notification alerts to myself (e.g.: birth days, if a certain stock goes below or above a certain amount)
• Receiving alerts for any keywords (e.g.: I get email notification for keywords “Addis Ababa” and “Ethiopia” on a daily basis. This means – if some one writes the word “Ethiopia” or “Addis Ababa” anywhere on the Internet, I get an email notifying me with a link – cool, isn’t it? This way, I keep on top of all the things I like. Currently, I get more than 500 emails a day for these two keywords and a bunch of others).

These are some of the things I do on the Internet. I am sure that the above list is not a complete list.

The lack of Internet access is one of the reasons why I don’t plan to move back to Ethiopia, where Internet access is limited, expensive and still dial up (mostly). Some areas of Addis Ababa have now Satellite / G3 Internet services. I hope to write a separate post regarding Internet services in Ethiopia in the future.

Do you have anything to add to the above list of the functions of the Internet? If so, please write your comments below.

My next blog entry will be on Thursday November 26, 2009.

Mullkam Samint!

Two words are looping in my brain this week… dignity and affirmation.

Two BIG words, so much meaning behind them, so much that is implied by using them, and such ambiguous attachments.

Dignity seems to be a word that is used about dead people, it not something that you can earn yourself, though by the way you live you do earn it, it’s something that’s ascribed to you, or it’s a judgement that someone else makes about you. And so often the judgements made about you are not complimentary while you’re alive. It’s as though it costs a lot to recognize and compliment dignity in someone. Dignity seems aloof and lonely somehow. A party animal, a student, loudmouth – can they have dignity? Yes, but it seems to be easier to ascribe this quality to people who are being true to themselves, honest with themselves. Maybe dignity should have tougher and grittier connotations, because these days to act and respond with dignity is no easy task.

And affirmative, affirmative action… I would love to be affirmed. Someone to say that what I am is worth affirming or making solid. We cut people down so easily, and then use silly ways of building them up or complimenting them. But to affirm someone is to recognize something worthwhile, not just something done well, but something behind what is done. Our intentions are visible here – what caused you to do it? what motivates you? Be affirmed!

How badly the word is miss-used in the context of BEE, which may be a worthwhile action, but who is being affirmed? at what cost to others? do individual real people deserve it? does an entire group deserve it just for belonging to that group? what is actually being affirmed? their suffering? do we affirm people because they have suffered, or do we rather look at what the suffering produced? If bitterness, laziness, dishonesty are the result of the suffering, help is needed. Affirmation? Not.

 

this image was part of a morphing series which started out as small eggs, all I could do for a few weeks was to draw these shapes. They were full, ripe, bursting to take on a new life, but frustratingly I could not seem to move. Then one day, I drew them with sprouting life, like seeds germinating, the floodgates opened and the small egg shaped “seeds” grew long tendrils, and gradually morphed into fluid body shapes . Unusually never with heads, just long “searching” tendrils, both male and female forms who nurtured “eggs” of their own,

This time I felt the need to create a tributary, take one of the images into a new direction, chose morphed image no. 7 and these are the results

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Wouldn’t it be fun to be a a pirate for a day looking for treasure?  Of course I would want that one day to be the day I found the treasure!  That’s the issue isn’t it?  We are all looking for treasure.  Finding it is the challenge.  My experience has been that when I think I have found something valuable it turns out to not last.  What I am searching for, and probably what you are looking for is what is real. 

In order for treasure to be real it has to last.  Jesus said that we are to store up treasure that doesn’t disentegrate over time or that can be stolen (See Matthew 6:19-20).  Because I think Jesus is really smart, I bet he knows where the real treasure is.  Real treasure is what Jesus treasures. 

So, what do you think Jesus treasures?  Respond and put your two cents into the pot.