The thing is, I’m trying to get to know myself better, gradually increase my sex drive if that’s possible, and maybe reach this secret goal I set for myself … I want to be able to come without a toy. Right now, I can’t, and it’s pretty frustrating. It was worse, of course, when no one knew. My husband (then boyfriend) didn’t understand why I was getting less and less interested in sex. I was ashamed to tell him. The whole thing was just awful. I cried a lot. I was so embarrassed.

Now, things are better. Once I told him that I just wasn’t coming from regular old sex, he said, “OK, well get your toy and we can just masturbate together…” And things pretty well took off after that. We’ve found many ways to incorporate toys into the bedroom (or whatever room), and being able to orgasm obviously makes sex a lot more satisfying to me, which means I want it more, and he’s much happier about that.

But I would still like to not need the toy. Specifically, I’ve got to have a vibrator. Other configurations of body parts and people are lovely (and preferred for variety), but without a little buzz on my clit, I’m just not getting there.

This really shouldn’t be a problem. I know it doesn’t matter much, but I still feel faintly deficient or defective for being unable to just come like a normal person.

Normal. Hah. You can laugh. I’m laughing at myself here.

Last week, for example, I was able to live out a long held fantasy of sleeping with two incredible men at the same time. Yeah, I’ve actually done this before, but last time, it didn’t turn out so well. I’m telling you, ladies, if you get the chance to do this with two men you trust … Oh. My. God. It’s a gorgeous experience. I mean really, I could not have asked for a better time … except that I didn’t come.

It’s my own fault for not bringing the vibrator, but I was afraid it would be a distraction. And as I write this, I hear myself saying it in this absurdly whiny voice, and I think, “A distraction?! Girl, if it gets you off, it is NOT a distraction!”

I wanted to come. I had an incredibly good time. And I was very close a few times, but I didn’t quite get there. That’s OK. It happens. But I wish it had been otherwise. Not coming in a threesome is like winning a silver medal in the Olympics of sex: Most people will never even get that far, but for the love of god, it was so close to perfection! And to think it’s all because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone by bringing out my toy.

I’ve accepted until now that the only way for me to orgasm is with a vibrator, but maybe that can change. Until it does, though, I don’t want to let any more glorious opportunities like that pass my by. I think it’s time I invest in a quiet little pocket number that will be unobtrusive in intimate moments. After all, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing many men come, so why shouldn’t I give them the same honor? The female orgasm is a beautiful thing, and I just want to share it!

Parting Thought: Why do I never see any porn where a woman uses a vibrator while having sex? Am I looking in the wrong places?

This week has been week 2 of the journey and I am slowly settling into this journey, they say it takes three weeks to change a habit and three years of maintenance to ensure it sticks, I am at neither. I am just me, I am working through to find a better, healthier me. It is not easy and motivation was eluding me till today. I decided I could no longer continue pretending, I got up and walked, it was only 2.5 km’s but it means I am back. I love it when I do it and the blister on my heel is almost gone, so the excuse has passed. I am aiming for 1 kg or 2.2.lb per week. I feel better and I have lost some of that ‘puffiness’ around my face, even I have noticed that and by puffiness I mean double chin fat. I am still getting on the scales daily and monitoring to ensure I am not going up, I am not counting the downward figure till weigh day as I want to stop myself relaxing and giving in to temptation & laziness. It is hard coming home from work, meetings and then at 730pm starting to prepare a meal, but I am preparing by buying fruit to eat on the way home, instead of crisps, milk drinks and lollies. I was very proud of the fact I ate an apple whilst homeward bound. I have also reduced my alcohol intake, I think my Dr would like that, he did tell me off a couple of months back for the amount I told him I drank, I was honest and he didn’t like that. I have reduced it by 1 glass per night, I am even thinking of doing dry July where I can hang up the wine for the month but starting at the end of June to finish before the end of July to accommodate for work & family commitments.

Friday is a day to head towards the weekend and I am heading this week end to do a weekly meal planner, I am looking to use the slow cooker for meals so that they are prepared and I can set them and leave them and eat them during the week. what are your plans, I am also looking to up the exercise like I did last weekend but continue it on through the week. I have a secret goal in mind to reach and I shall tell you this after the event. What are you all doing this weekend? Does it involve food or drink, socialising with friends or just time out? Share with me your stories of your journey, how do you all stay motivated? what is your favourite TGIF moment?

-Simon and Garfunkel, 1965

So I survived the BF’s cruise, and the holidays. BF is still “just a friend” with the woman he took with him, and he spent the holidays with her, but he’s happier and we’re getting along better, so I’m not going to complain too much.

Been doing a lot of soul searching the last 2 months. I’ve always known that I was an introvert, and I was always trying to change that, because I was always told it was a flaw. So I’ve been doing some research and realized it’s not a flaw, just a common personality trait. Well, it’s only common in about 20-30% of the US population, but it’s not like it’s a disease that needs to be cured. I just need to learn how to cope in an extroverted world.

So I’m learning to accept and celebrate being an introvert in hopes that it’ll bring some clarity to my life. I’m not sure if clarity is the right word, but it’ll work for now.

I’m not planning on retreating from society or anything like that, oh no! I just have to think my plans out a little better (us innies are known for that!) and play to my strengths.

There is also a little secret goal I have for this year, but I can’t tell you what it is, because, ya know, it’s a secret. But it all has to do with accepting the inner-me and actually bringing her out for everyone to see (no, I’m not going to take up streaking!).

So it’s going to be an exciting year, as long as I can stay motivated and really find me. Hope it’s going to lead to a happy ending.