Secrets.  Plans.

I devised ways of sneaking drinks on the side.  “Rehearsals” then became part of the pattern, stopping at bars on the way to or from the place where drinks were to be served.  Never having enough, always craving more, the obsession for alcohol gradually began to dominate all my activities, particularly while traveling.  Drink planning became more important than any other plans.

AABB – pg. 350 (“It Might Have Been Worse”)

The Prohibited

In those days of desire so deep that it left him empty-legged, he did not behave unnaturally at home – if anything he was more loving and devoted although [his wife], especially, was beyond increased devotion.  He came home filled with forbidden happiness, forbidden but unrivalled, and embraced his wife and played with or read to his children.  The prohibited feeds the appetite for the rest.

Salter, James– Platinum (2005)

My Take On It …

It is so easy to believe in our own craftiness.  Loads of us have quit drinking (or quit drinking “too much”) at the behest of our wives or maybe our bosses.  Some of us have even joined AA or embarked on some other sort of established path to aid us in attaining and maintaining sobriety.

 But for many, something happens and they are tempted to take a little drink somewhere along the line.  Perhaps when bumping into an old friend at the station or at an impromptu holiday party at the office.  So, it happens — and rather than calling a sponsor or some other confidant, they keep the little secret to themselves and pursue a part-time, parallel life.  Sober on the outside and drinking on the inside.

The best advice here, clearly, is to grab onto a good thing.  Go ahead, live the best of both worlds – be the good man with the unknown evil twin.  Leave work late and get home early; all you have to do is drink more quickly between acts.  Kiss the wife like nothing was up and smother the children with affection and care.  Just stay up late, work on the computer, enjoy a nightcap or two from the secreted stash, quietly in the monitor-lit blue light.  After all, you’ve always brushed your teeth for retiring so the missus will never suspect a thing.  You’ve got it made. 

Mlle YX nous a envoyé ce texte en nous laissant libre arbitre de le publier ou non………  Mais c’est certain qu’on va le publier pardi!!  Non seulement parce qu’il est très bien écrit mais également et surtout parce que c’est tellement ça!  Ce que nous vivons tous, ce que nous appréhendons.  Le temps.  Le temps avant et le temps après.  Cette marque laissée par l’herpès.  Comme une lame sur le poignet de l’âme!  Merci Mlle YX.  Vous êtes bienvenue quand vous voulez!

C’est en me retapant la lecture quasi complète de tous les textes de ce blogue, le but étant de tenter d’équilibrer ma pression sanguine (si je me coupe par inadvertance, je vous garantis que le sang va gicler jusque dans la cour du troisième voisin) dans un moment d’angoisse intense (qui dure depuis une semaine) que j’ai décidé de me rejeter sur une page blanche virtuelle.  J’implose.  Respirer dans un sac brun ne suffit plus.  Me tenir loin de tout objet contondant non plus.

Mise en contexte rapide.  J’ai eu mon diagnostic d’herpès il y a un an, j’ai suivi le même chemin de croix que tout le monde ici.  Envers et contre tous ces raisonnements rationnels et irrationnels avec lesquels j’ai dû me débattre en bonne nouvelle stigmate digne de ce nom, j’ai croisé un charmant prince dernièrement, un puceau de l’herpès et le premier qui m’a mis assez en confiance pour lui donner la clé de mon identité et de mon secret.  Le premier qui sait « tout » sur moi.  Je l’ai informé, éduqué, et je crois que j’ai accompli cette tache tâche comme une grande fille.  Je lui ai ensuite donné l’espace nécessaire pour sa réflexion.  Et là, maintenant, j’attends patiemment depuis une semaine, depuis 10080 minutes, son verdict à savoir s’il y aura une suite à notre relation.   

Dans le dernier mois, mes contacts avec lui étaient aux deux jours environ.  Pas évident d’être maintenant assourdie par le silence…parsemé du chant d’un criquet au mois d’août…à l’aube du mois de décembre.  Je fais présentement le piquet à cette lumière rouge, dans ce « twilight zone » qu’on redoute tous et celui qui risque de faire le plus mal dans toute cette aventure que l’on vit; la peur du rejet.  La peur de passer à côté du bonheur à deux.

Oui, je me suis raisonnée un million de fois depuis ces 10082 minutes.  « S’il me rejette, ce n’est pas à cause de ce que je suis, ce n’est pas ma personne qui est en cause…je dois garder confiance en moi et en la vie…ce n’est pas la fin du monde…s’il disparaît, c’est seulement qu’il n’était pas le bon pour moi…etc ».  N’en reste pas moins que, même si on a trouvé le moyen de ne pas prendre ce possible rejet de façon personnelle, il fait tout aussi mal aux sentiments et aux émotions.  Il ecchymose la confiance, il grafigne l’espoir.  Il joue au yo-yo avec le petit lac qui se forme dans la rangée du bas de nos cils.  Il ravale difficilement la salive.  Il nous donne un aperçu de ce que ce doit être de vivre avec de l’asthme, sans pompe à portée de la main.  Il donne une volée à nos besoins fondamentaux :   manger et dormir.  Il siphonne le seul neurone de logique qu’il nous reste.  Et on accumule, sans trop s’en rendre compte, trop je dis, beaucoup trop…10094 minutes de sourde souffrance.  Preuve que les dommages psychologiques sont à des années lumières plus importants que les impacts physiques de cette condition tellement humaine, et qui pourrait être d’une banalité digne d’un barreau de chaise, si ce n’était justement de la présence de ces dommages psychologiques.

Je ne sais pas pour vous, mais j’ai l’impression de vivre et revivre les étapes du deuil, en boucle et en accéléré :

Le choc :   à chaque matin, lorsque je me réveille et que je reprends conscience de ma position dans l’univers de ma vie.  Des dizaines de fois par jour, c’est-à-dire chaque fois que je reviens sur le sujet dans ma tête après l’avoir laissé tombé un instant pour faire avancer les autres domaines de ma vie.

Le déni :   je pèse sur « snooze » et retombe endormie de facto durant 8 minutes, car j’ai passé le plus clair de ma nuit à faire de l’insomnie.

La colère :   POURQUOI EST-CE QUE JE N’AI PAS ENCORE REÇU DE SES NOUVELLES ?!?!?!?! 

L’abattement, la tristesse, la dépression :   Nettoyage des glandes lacrymales en cours.  Douche de joues.

La résignation :   Ouin…pis ? 

L’acceptation :   NEXT !!!

Et là, je reprends conscience qu’il ne m’a pas encore donné sa réponse définitive malgré tous les scénarios que j’ai pu me farcir en réponse à l’interprétation de son silence.  Je n’ai pas entendu SA réponse à lui, son verdict final.  Sagement, j’attendrai la voie voix de mon charmant prince.  L’espoir grafigné lève timidement la main.  Je lui tends la mienne pour qu’il se relève.  Et le petit manège recommence.

Tout ça est normal et vous n’êtes pas seul(e).  Mais ça fait mal.  Mais vous n’êtes pas seul(e).  Tout ça est ma compréhension de cette petite phrase que j’ai lue souvent ici :   « on vous comprend !».

Un site comme celui-ci m’aidera cependant à passer l’étape la plus importante, celle que je n’ai pas encore atteinte :   la résilience.  Cette étape que les fondatrices du lieu virtuel de réconfort  dans lequel vous vous situez présentement ont dépassée et apprivoisée.

Bon, je retourne à mes 10151 minutes d’attente.  Merci d’être là.

Mlle YX

I live in Oakland. There, I said it.

When I tell people, their first question is usually about safety. And that’s understandable.

After all, it has the third highest crime rate in the country.

I must admit that I still don’t feel completely safe here. Even though we live in a secured complex (access code is needed to enter the complex, opener needed for the garage), I check our front door throughout the day to make sure it’s locked.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel 100% safe in our ‘hood. But I don’t think one should ever feel 100% safe (I’m trying to achieve “unagi“).

So how does this unaccompanied female stay safe?

Krimina’s Guide to Staying Safe in the Crime-Ridden Streets of Oakland

• Do recon and pick a good ‘hood - We asked locals and scouted out the area before we chose our apartment. The police station is only four blocks away from our place. BART is also four blocks away and we picked a safe BART station (i.e. no stabbings and/or shootings). We also live in the commercial center of the city so security guards are posted along the streets.
• Light it up – I walk under streetlights and I avoid passing by places where someone could easily hide (like parks or parking lots).
• Roll with a posse – V picks me up when I work late. If he can’t pick me up, I walk close to other non-shady people.
• Pack some heat - I carry pepper spray with me. I briefly considered a taser but I’m not quite ready for that.
• If they can’t catch you, they can’t rob you – I powerwalk or run home. I do this mainly to burn a few extra calories but I like to think it adds to my safety quotient.
• Watch your back – I don’t talk on the phone while I’m walking. You need to stay alert to your surroundings.

Credit-Report Scoring Revealed … See what can cause a 200-point drop

Disclosed for the 1st time, ‘damage points’ taken off for late payments

Borrowers already knew that late payments hurt their credit scores, but for the first time, they now know the extent of that damage.

Did you max out your credit card? Expect a credit score drop of 10 to 45 points. Declare bankruptcy? Your score will plummet by up to 240 points, and your odds of getting credit will nosedive with it.

The “damage points” data, unveiled recently by FICO, are part of the most revealing glimpse into the firm’s once-secret — and still mysterious — credit scoring model. The new information discloses how many points borrowers’ scores will drop when they

Read full article…

Credit Scoring Secrets Revealed for First Time ... See what can cause a 200-point drop

What do you think about the scoring methods now that you know what they are?

Warning: Due to some recent experiences, readers may sense of spite or even bitterness in the below post. Please ignore as temporary mindset. In all other circumstances the writer does not hate the male species, she loves Boys and wants them all to be good boys.

1. Please keep your mannerism with you at all times. Just because the girl made a dirty joke or touched your arm, doesn’t mean she is your next-door buddy or ready to take anything you throw at her. Behave!

2. Explaining #1 further, when I say ‘behave’ I don’t mean ‘pretend’. Not at all. Be yourself, just not the self that you are around your guys group at bars, be the self that you would want a girl to see in you. Show the part of that you are proud of.

3. No too many personal questions please. Until yes, they are coming on itself as part of the current conversation, there is absolutely no need to know if she owns the house she lives in or not. If it’s all well, you will know it later.

4.  Try and avoid too many awkward gaps in-between conversations. There will certainly be a few, but here’s when you can use some of that with that you so much show off among your guy gang, but please mind the topics, and switch to something quickly. The more the silences, the more she will have doubts on ‘if this is all going well or not?’.

5. Make the conversations light and easy, nothing too fancy, nothing too scripted. Maybe a few positive / funny past experiences, some great places you’ve visited. Keep it interesting. And if you’ve got the funny tick too and can make the girl smile/laugh,  then bravo! you’ve scored a ‘he’s nice to be around’ thought.

6. Please plan the venue or at least have a few places in mind that you can suggest, and yes they should all have seen your face earlier. No experimenting with your date, she’s not a rat you see.

7. We know that the average time span when guys think of sex if every 3 seconds (read this somewhere  long time back, maybe now its half a second), but please try and throw those thoughts away or at least not let them reflect in the way you look at her. Keep your horny thoughts and looks to yourself. If you really need to stare at her figure, make sure she doesn’t catch you doing so. It disgusts girls! really disgusts!

8.  This is very obvious, but I would like to emphasize if you dumb heads need to be reminded (of course not without a whack on you heads),  PICK THE CHEQUE.

9. No questions on past relationships. no ’so how many boyfriends have you had?’. you’re getting nothing less than ‘F******* Ass*****’ for that.

10. Whether this is your 1st or 5th date, let the girl take the lead and show you how comfortable she is. Read the signs. Don’t try to pounce at her on the first chance ou get. If she comfortable enough you’ll see it, she might do something or say something that secretly says ‘I’m ok now’. Be attentive. If you like her, then its worth it right?

11. And when you feel she shows she comfortable and you may go ahead, then at that time please be a Man and take the lead. Don’t wait for her to take the first step. You need to show you’re a man and will take the lead, whether its to hold her hand, waist, a kiss, whatever. Girls like it. It makes them feel secure in some way.

12. Try to think of the motive as ‘To have a good time, spend quality time’ and rest much will fall into place.

13. Try and talk about what you like instead of all that you don’t like. Simple rule, positive vibes work everywhere and positive words too.

14. No matter what the situation, always ask to drop her home. even if you’re freaking dead and it will take you 2 hours to get back home, always ask. Much chances are she is sensible and will take herself home, but if she doesn’t then maybe she wants to get that extra time with you. It’s maybe boys, not always ok.

15. A few subtle compliments wouldn’t kill you will they? So? And yes, if you can make them genuine ones and not like, you have a beautiful smile when the girl wears braces. ? genuine… not to difficult if you can get yourself to stop looking at below her neck and actually look at her face.

16. Enjoy and have a good time and make sure she is having fun too. Listen, talk, laugh, behave. How difficult can that be?

If these were helpful, let me know, I’ll think up some more of don’ts..

What I think I learned the past year…

• I might feel like I am going to die but I probably will not
• I cannot read my journals
• Relationships are choices
• Sleep is over-rated
• I eventually am going to die
• Touch is suppose to be a choice
• It is ok to let people in
• Google is awesome
• I can be nice to myself
• Getting better does not feel good
• There is reasons for almost everything
• People watching is fun
• Therapy does not just happen with my therapists
• I do not have to be a statistic
• Therapists cannot read minds
• 4 days is the most I can go without sleep
• Staying out of the hospital is not a contest with my family
• Money does not mean anything
• Shoes laces are awesome
• It is ok to have friends
• I can become who ever I want
• I cannot ignore my insiders as it only makes everything worse
• Insurance companies are assholes
• I am human
• I do have people who support me
• I do not have to grow up
• It is ok to be scared
• There is no “normal”
• Not everyone is who I thought they were
• I am allowed to feel
• I am different
• If I sleep for exactly 3 hours I do not dream
• No one can tell me the answers
• I do not have to be perfect
• Everyone’s family is complicated
• Isolating is not fun
• The truth scares people sometimes
• DID is not an excuse for anything
• I do have friends
• Everyone will not hurt me
• Self-harm is a coping mechanism
• I live vicariously through song lyrics
• I cannot change the past
• Chap stick is awesome
• I do not have to remember everything to heal
• I can find ways around everything
• Writing myself notes is helpful
• I like making lists
• Numbers do not matter
• I like organization
• I despise change
• Art is important to everyone inside
• I do not have to believe in god
• The truth hurts
• I am a very tactile person
• One of my insiders is color blind
• I generalize all touch as bad
• Soy milk is dairy free
• I do not have to forgive
• My family dynamic scares me
• I like animals a lot
• I can read this list when I feel bad
• Taking breaks are necessary
• Denial is easier
• Not everyone does what they are supposed to
• It is easier to live one hour at a time
• DID is an adaptation
• My insiders did and still do help me
• I do not have to do everything alone
• If I cannot think of 365 things for this list it is ok

I haven’t been talking about what’s been happening recently for a while. So, here’s all that has been going on.

Okay, last that I remember was a big time venting and full of ranting post on how the hell I hated New Guy and was going not going to get manipulated into his ways. So that story ended by me telling him that we can only be friends and no way is this even getting anywhere. As expected he was all no-no and not agreeing but I was adamant. I was very clear about it all and then he had no option. lol! I stopped the late night talks and early morning calls. I was still speaking to him few times in the day, but he was all boohoo and sent me a message saying that he was feeling deserted. Ya right!! I wasn’t falling for the trap this time. yay! for that . This is making me feel so sensible and grown up and less idiot! Then I did speak to him late night for a few times(i think 3) last week and none of it was anywhere close to anything cozy, all friends stuff. Last night he did say that he was feeling something, but I totally put the logic into it all and made him believe it that it was only because he was relating it our earlier talks and it okay and with time he would get over it.

Today I had a fight with him, I think that’s what it was, atleast from my end. Now I was back from this crappy date, actually not even worth calling it a date (more on that below) and he was somewhere near my place with his brother(who’s getting married in 10 days) and I asked him if we can catch up for coffee. First he tells me that my bro is with me, so you decide. When I said ‘we could go for coffee, but I don’t know your brother so you ask him’, then he said ‘My brother is saying it’s too late and not decent to meet at this hour (9:30pm) and it would get late too’. WTF!! If you don’t want to come/ can’t come, then be a man and say so, you don’t put the other person feel like they have no sense of decency and no home and they are like street people who go anywhere with anyone. I would have slapped that guy if he was in front of me.  I told him to not teach me what decency is and got to hell (or something like that).

You know this thing that I was saying about expectations from others, see here it is, I expected him to consider that I’ve been taking all his crap and been so nice to him and should come atleast for sometime. And also his brother, New Guy and me keep talking about him a lot, all the wedding stuff and all, so I expected him to be at least friendly, but he’s teaching me what decency is. What do you think I am? I mean really? If you ask a friend for coffee when you’re not feeling very good or even just like that, then does it make you indecent?? Bloody idiotic and conservative and I don’t want to be rude but I don’t get it. The last message that I sent him was ‘plz don’t call or text me’. Loser! Being diplomatic/making me feel stupid when he doesn’t have the guts to make an effort/own up that he doesn’t want to make an effort. Is this what friends/dating type all night talking people are for? Get their entertainment/time / someone to listen to them and talk when they’re free, but when they need to make some effort, then we need to be decent. F*** Off!

Now the Crappy date whatever the hell it was..

I got talking to this guy I met on chat sometime on last Monday I think. He sounded ok and we were from the same community(doesn’t matter, just mentioning) and we chatted for sometime and shared pics and then he said he’s a pilot and working with Kingfisher Airlines and all good stuff and I’m new to Delhi. So I believed him and then we exchanged numbers and I accidently didn’t save his number (lol! ) coz I was rushing for the guitar class (sounds so cool! yay! ). So he texted me the next day with his name, so I saved the number and replied him. We spoke on phone once and he was extremely humourous and telling his funny experiences, so it was okay, except he was all like too personal on questions and he’s like we should go for a drive and booz. ya sure! I was so taken aback that how can someone be so shameless and pathetic. Anyways I laughed away all that and said we would meet sometime later for coffee and he was in shock or something, as if I’ve asked him to sleep with me when we meet the first time or what, actually I think that wouldn’t have surprised him. Weirdo! Anyways, I was still thinking that its okay, let me give the guy a chance, at least meet him, you never know he’s actually good. What was I thinking? with my luck.. hmmph! So we spoke again on Friday and then he almost was after my life for meeting him anywhere but not coffee. strange na?? Very ya! I was all no-no. I said its only coffee or nothing! he agreed after much blah-blah-. He’s explanation was that coffee meets are too formal. what a jerk and horrible explanation??? To be honest I was curious and was hoping that he might be good (maybe the pilot thing was influencing!). So today evening I asked him what the plan, after much confusion and all we planned to meet near my place and there also happens to be a Cafe near by, so I told him to park his car and we can meet him, and then he started almost screaming that I don’t want to sit and have coffee. I told him to stop shouting and that I was coming. We met in his car and you won’t believe, he didn’t even look at me. And he was so not the person in the picture. He was totally different!! I got so freaked out! he was also almost 29-30 years old, whereas he told me 24. F***. I sat in the car, looked at him and said hi, and went cold. All I could think was please let me get back home safe today. shit man! imagine he lied about the pic, his age, god knows if he was married!! Hell! he definitely looked married! shit man! So he started driving and I was like where are we going? he didn’t seem at all new to the roads, he took onto this lane that is less busy and good for drive type.. eww!! and I was thinking god-help-me!!! Funny thing is he didn’t look at me also!! not even once, he was driving and looking in front and talking. strange uncle? that’s his name ’strange uncle’. hahaha. so he never looked at me. And he has this theory about all special friends he has, i made it very clear that we can only be friends, I think at that point I told him so that he wouldn’t try anything funny and which I will totally take back now. I am not at all going to have anything to do with strange-uncle. Then within 2 minutes of drive I said ‘its become quite late right’ (it was 8:35pm) and he said yes let me drop you home and took a U-turn. Thank god. but again strange!! He safely dropped me home and even funny he wouldn’t look at me while saying bye too!! haahhaa.. Psycho strange uncle!! thank you god I’m home safe!! seriously!! I was in shock! How can someone be such a liar? And I even confirmed his age with him, and he’s like I’m 23 will turn 24 now, liar, earlier he had told me 24, will turn 25. Liar!!  and I told him that he looked much older, like 29-30. hahaha… But seriously ya, fuck man!!It was so creepy!! I am still partly in shock.. and everyone at home is all giggle-giggle abou it.. lol!   I swear am never going to believe these people online until I check their orkut/fb . Seriously dude!! Creepy! freaky!! Now you see why I asked New Guy for coffee?? I needed to come back to reality, that was not so ugly! But I couldn’t tell him all this na!

Apart from the ridiculous boys stuff, last Friday I attended my college fren A’s engagement party. We did our college together and she was always borrowing money from me and never returning on time. I was more of a friend to her, but I never sort of trusted her like 200% .We also lived together in flats for 2 years. So ya we were close and knew much about each other, but then she has never been of much a friend in need to me and I was always that for her. and i’m totally ok with that too, sometimes you mean more to others than they mean to you. We have been living in the same city but haven’t met since a year (guilty)  but we talked and all. Now her family is all conservative and all, about same caste and early marriage of girls. She had her profile on some matrimony portal and this guy contacted her and she like the profile and earning and all and she felt it was more that she deserved. She was like he doesn’t look so good though. Now she didn’t meet the guy until 1 day before the engagement and she didn’t like him one bit. She called me and I tried to convince her that good looks and happiness are not related and all. But when I saw the guy, oh god! he looked like 10 years older to her and dark and fat and so not deserving. I was shocked, but she was upset so we(me and ‘B’) tried to make her feel its ok and all, make her laugh through the pics. It was terrible! She could have got an average looking guy also, but he was actually bad. I was so sorry for her. But hope there is something good in store and she finds happiness in life. She was going on saying about how she can say no anytime. don’t know what will happen there. Btw I wore a pink saree and looked gorgeous. really! a little chubby, you know arms and tummy, but very pretty!! I love to say this and not cute. yay!!!

That’s been pretty much all. Somethings about work from past week too, but I’m too upset that it Monday again and can’t get myself to mention ‘work’ more than I already have, I feel I will start crying anytime. See the shock that idiotic creep has left. God! I’m so sensitive right now, even a mouse could make me shriek! I know its funny!!! but true!

Quite a week! lol!!   

 PS: was listening to few sad songs and now have moved to little upbeat type. Sounds like I’m getting out of shock. lol!!  

How can you feel love, care or just any feeling and not have any expectations from the other person? Selfless is what it is called right? How do you do it? I have no clue, and just like some saying in Buddhism ‘our expectations are the cause of our sufferings’ and it’s all so true for me.

Leave alone the people I know, love and are close to me, even with people I don’t know, sometimes I develop this sense of attachment and I’m so happy/sad for them and then when I don’t get a response from the other person, it’s so hurting. I know, it’s all my mind and my feelings and expectations, but hello, some good words, some respect wouldn’t hurt them either right?

I should really stop this. It’s so self destructive and hurting.

Now another thing is, how do I stop feeling something that I am. how do I go subtle on my feelings? How do I not express what I feel? That’s who I am, if not expressing I’m nothing, how do I not be me?

I just start expecting so much, as in even little things that I expect, like people making some effort for me, listening to me, doing something i want to, even the smallest of things, and if they don’t do then i’m hurt. really! Its hurting and then I show a little temper and the other person is confused and I have to explain that it felt betraying that I feel/think/do so much but you don’t even consider, and then it all sounds like I’m trying to balance or even out what I do and what you do. Crap!!

I should really stop! How? Really How?? It’s like disease with no meds…:(

I was about to post a FB note, but I guess WordPress is much much much much better, since nobody’s gonna read this, and it’s gonna be like my diary.

I don’t know.
Well, that probably sums up everything I’m feeling right now
Sometimes what I think doesn’t even make sense to me
And it doesn’t matter, does it?
I took the “What mental problem do you have?” quiz on Facebook and I got depressed, but no, I’m not depressed at all
I’m sometimes in a state of mind that I can’t make out. I don’t tell other people my problems, so they’re not of any help.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living for my friends too much. I often say I’m dedicated to other people, that’s probably half right, and that’s probably the reason why I want to be a psychologist.
I want to help people, but they wouldn’t let me in completely, they wouldn’t open up to me about all of their problems, they wouldn’t trust me

You said you wanted to know one of my secrets?
“I’ve never had a secret before”
You said I was lying?
Yes, probably. But if I was lying to you, then I would be lying to myself then.
After the conversation, all I got was still emptiness, oh no, a mess that hid itself in the form of emptiness.
My mind is a mess. My feeling is a mess. I don’t get it. I don’t get you at all.
Maybe I’m just second-guessing them all.
But one thing for sure, I love you and I will help you, with everything I have.

You said you had never given me a secret before, so you didn’t know if I could keep one.
Prob you didn’t have a good feeling that I could keep your secrets. I never once said I could. But I think I can, but I want to feel trusted. And you blew it.
Fine for me, don’t ever trust me, I’m not worth it.

You said you were my friend and my teacher, you said you wanted to turn me into a Christian completely, so you can contact me through Him. You know what? I’m losing faith, both in you and in Him.
You made me feel left out, a lot. You sent every one a letter, but not me? I feel like I’m losing you, I feel like you don’t even remember me at all, I feel left out, all over again.
I need a person who can talk to me, who can understand me completely, I think I found you, but now, I think I’ve lost you…

For once, faith, trust and secrets suddenly became so important to me, so much, so fast…

Feels like I’m falling, all over again…
Feels like I’m making the same mistakes again…
Though I don’t mind, at all…

Here you are, down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender can help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are, down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you, please see and believe again

[Again - Flyleaf]

That’s it. The first page on my online public diary.

P/S: To the people who can read this and recognize themselves in this, I’m sorry if it was too much, like, really sorry.

Sorry about the language, this is not my video, just ignore it.

My Sunday Secret is that I would have rather stayed home alone (with my puppy and the bunnies ) than spend Thanksgiving with my dad. He was in a foul mood and being a total jerk and taking it all out on me, of course. But I look like the snotty little brat because I couldn’t take it anymore and flipped out on him in front eveyone at my aunt’s house. He was drinking and my uncle said something about him driving and my dad said, “It’s ok, Angela is driving home.” Um, EXCUSE ME?! I was planning on sleeping in the backseat of the car on the way home because I had been up since 6am and still had to go to work. HELLO, I work OVERNIGHTS! So I am expected to stay up for 24hours straight and drive 2 hours in the dark and go directly to work afterward just so he can have a couple beers? I DON’T THINK SO!

He had been being a total asshole to me all day and that was the last straw. But it doesn’t matter because he is the dad and I am the child and that is that. His “anger displacement” makes me hate him so much sometimes. I honeslty didn’t even want to go, the only reason I went was for my Grandma and because my sister was counting on me going and so I could see my mom. I was already dressed and ready to go and didn’t want to stay home alone because then I would feel depressed. I always feel super duper self conscious around my family, for no reason, so I’d rather stay home alone than put myself through personal hell, but I rather do that than stay home and feel shitty.

This year was by far the worst Thanksgiving ever. Usually holidays are no big deal in my family, people get together, hang out and chill, theres never any drama. This year, however, was total bullshit. And even though it’s not my fault, to my dad it is and his opinion is all that matters. My feelings apparently don’t count for squat. So now not only do I feel hurt and angry, I feel really guilty, too,  for doing that in front everyone. I should have handled it better. But guess what? I get it from him. It’s gotten me into trouble a couple times at work this year. I really need to learn how to rein in the anger. I don’t want to be like him and take my problems out on other people. I don’t think I do, but if when I do feel like someone is “crossing” me, I can’t handle it, either.

I’m having one of those phases where everything seems to be happening and you are just watching it all, some what like out of your body and looking at your life pass by. It’s not a good feeling. I know what I should do and what I am doing but its all like I’m not there. My heart is somewhere else and my mind and body someother place.

I don’t know if it’s all making sense, but something is so not synchronized in me. Its running in different directions and I can’t see the end to any of it.

How do you believe in something you haven’t seen? How do you know the road will lead you to your destiny, when you don’t even know what your destiny is? Do you ever question what you are, what makes you ‘you’ and how this life is and why?

I have so many questions in my head and no answers. The only way out of it all that I see is ‘distracting myself’ and even a single second spared makes these questions buzzing again.

stop this!! god!! show me some directions, give me some wisdom, lead me, make  me believe and not doubt…

pray for me!!

Hello penguin!

there a proplem in club penguin and i dont now what’s happen,when i went to go to see the sled racing in the mountain i click at the pink and the green sled racing and say want to buy a sled racing and iam not a memeber,take a look of pink and green sled racin proplem:

-Alkatheeri12

here will ly secrets
tales from dark corners untold
many hearts’ ledgers

silly words, odd ramblings
lovers’ letters, desperate pleas
streams of consciousness

confessions from all
creative union for all
writers! spill words here.

(from en.wikipedia.org)

The concept behind PostSecret.com is a brilliant one. Each week, the site publishes anonymous postcards sent to the website from around the world, each containing a secret.

Some are tame. Some are explicit. Some contain things too sad, shocking or offensive to reveal in public or around law officials. I have a certain fascination with “secret” websites like this and FML, because of the brutal honesty in their content. Some things are easier to say when you can say them anonymously, I suppose.

Josh Pothen (UVM’s Meager Med Student)

Donate $1 to The Meager Med Student!

My old pals, power twins Mark and Matt Owens, were hosting another incarnation of the Free Library show at the Riviera Gallery (RIP) in Brooklyn. The first one had been a lot of fun, and had also been a creative catalyst for me. As usual, I didn’t produce anything until the last minute, and only with emergency silkscreen help from Mr. Waller. My contribution was a poster that I also envisioned functioning as an expandable set of flash cards for kids. The set was called ‘Secrets’ and on each card face would be a mysterious/esoteric concept with an iconographic representation, and the word ‘Secrets’ on the back, almost as a deck of cards or Tarot set. I never ended up packaging any into cards, but the posters were produced.

Out of this set there were a few I would have liked to make into individual pieces. I think the phrase ‘Ancient Astronauts’ came from a movie about Weird Al from the mid-80s, where he’s talking about Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma or something. Gotta look that up again.

Before the show, I was messing around with scissor-made Platonic shapes, doing some basic Bauhaus type. I think everyone does this same experiment, of trying to build letterforms with as few shapes as possible, and when something comes out semi-legible you have this feeling of accomplishment and cleverness! Never mind that zillions of other designers have done the same thing, mos likely the exact same (logical) combinations. This is easily verified by spending several minutes on design blog/aggregator things or looking through any recent type book. Shapes! So I messed around and came up with this alphabet, and then tried to make a composition of basic-seeming shapes that weren’t all generic circles/squares/triangles. Also, one of my Book of the Week covers used this system, which was also turned into a poster for a show in Virgina hosted by Joel Speasmaker at The Drama (RIP).

Around this time, Ryan and I started working on our first music video (of two), for Mobius Band (RIP). The song was called The Loving Sounds of Static, so of course I tried setting it in a digital form of the cut paper type.

I thought this was pretty cool, but there wasn’t any room for typography in the video as we went on. However, the ‘One Hundred Thousand Fireflies’ type made it into the background as a pattern somehow. I think I meant to use the Static type but was too crazy busy to catch the omission.

These last two frames are evidence of my continuing affinity for grids and isometric forms, as well as flame shapes (lifted from the earlier ‘Germans’ piece). The process of creating the video was incredibly awkward but rewarding – it was our first time directing other people, using lights, or any kind of real camera, though we kept all of those elements incredibly static, we never even moved the lights after we set up (or white balanced the footage, ugh). But lots of time was spent in post making it look halfway decent, and of course it was fun to try out old ideas in a new context. You can watch the video here.

The thing that’s interesting to me about this time is how much activity there was for us, for Ryan and myself, that we were both freelancing full-time as well as working on the music video and god knows what else, too many things piled on top of each other. Again, this was when design and work really was the ultimate focus of every day and night, there was precious little time for other things, morning noon and night it was letterforms, animation, and style frames. I think it’s necessary for every young designer to go through that in order to realize that lifestyle is a losing proposition – once you expend your initial bout of energy, you look around and wonder what the hell you’re doing. This reevaluation is critical, and it helps keep things balanced and even and lets you have some fun outside of your head.

All that being said, I was still stoked when a new batch of t-shirts arrived.

And then one more lil piece around the same time, a two-color spread for RE:UP, on the subject of ‘dreams’. My interpretation of a nightmare, also borrowing type forms from one of the Book of the Week pieces, sort of combined with the cut-paper style. I was in love with this star shape, which I lifted from the cover of a collection of French absurdist theatre by Jean Anouilh, still one of my favorite book covers ever.

I need to figure out who designed this cover. I mostly admire it for the stunning usage of an extended wedge-serif face. There is also a pink cover with black star and black cover with white star. I have two in my possession – looking for the third! I’ve read them as well, decent stuff. Around this time I would find boxes of books out in front of brownstones in Park Slope and would pick through them looking for interesting things to read. I had a rule that I had to read what I found, in the order that I found it. So of course, there was a box full of French absurdist stuff, the Jean Anouilh, Jean Genet, Eugene Ionesco, et al. So for a month or two my mind was steeped in this specific brand of farcical theatre, with a dash of the batshit crazy (Jean Genet). Man, Funeral Rites. What?!

There’s a lot of mysterious things happening around the Club Penguin island. A volcano is the most mysterious one yet. Here’s a sneak peek of the volcano:

Keep your eyes open for more clues about exciting things to come.