You’re too blind to see, and I’m too tired to tell.

Seether – “Plastic Man”

]]> http://djlazeylaze.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/the-chuck-shaffer-picture-show-rocks/ Mon, 03 Dec 2012 23:44:39 +0000 djlazeylaze http://djlazeylaze.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/the-chuck-shaffer-picture-show-rocks/ We’ve just come across a new 3 piece rock band hailing from Virginia with a fresh vibe combining the sounds of Hoobastank, Incubus & Nickelback.  They are “The Chuck Shaffer Picture Show” or better known as The CSPS Band. They have toured with Papa Roach, Seether, and Civil Twilight among many other bands.

The Chuck Shaffer Picture Show released their debut full-length album “For Your Eyes Only” in January of 2009 followed with the 6-track album “Protect Your Silence” in 2011 including an incredible single of the same name. They’ve enjoyed airplay in Richmond and Harrison, VA where they’ve received commentary such as:

“Catchy, melodic hooks and a super fun live band!”  -Casey Krukowski, WRXL 102.1 The X

“CSPS is one of the best bands to come out of this decade! Genuine awesome rock! Incredible LIVE show! Some infectious riffs… Looking forward to some new songs to get stuck in my head and the only way to make the voices in my head happy is some CSPS! “ -  Todd McNamara, WACL 98ROCK

It’s nice to finally hear of some truly talented musicians making good music again, especially in the world of alternative rock. The have numerous live performances on YouTube and you can learn more about them and their music on their website. We will be looking forward to new material from The CSPS Band and hopefully hear them on the radio in NY soon!

Follow them @CSPSband

Yours Truly,

DJ Lazey Laze & The MAP Team

Bring to the boil a strong measure of nineties metal, a heavy dose of hard rock, and a liberal helping of varied classic spices, whisk it all up with imagination and enterprise and  what emerges is a thoroughly satisfying slice of sinew rippling rock n roll, or more specifically The Seed And The Sewage, the second album from Italian rockers Rhyme. Whether the release offers anything distinctly new is debatable but its ability to excite and please is beyond question, the band unleashing a stomping confrontation of high grade attention grabbing muscle which leaves deep satisfaction.

Released through Bakerteam Records, the release builds on the already strong reputation garnered by the Milan quartet through debut album Fi(r)st and their impressive live performances. Since forming in 2008, the band has taken no time in grabbing attention, their first EP, Rhyme2009 drawing strong responses and play from radio shows across Italy and the US. With a new and settled line-up set the following year, the band recorded their debut album which upon its release January of 2011 received eager responses and acclaim. Combined with successful tours with Papa Roach and Misfits in Europe, an impressive appearance at the Rocklahoma 2011 festival alongside the likes of Staind, Seether, Whitesnake, Motley Crue and Black Label Society, and a multitude of their own energetic shows around Italy, Rhyme has built a formidable reputation which The Seed And The Sewage does nothing to diminish.

Consisting of eleven well-crafted and pleasing slices of passionate rock, the album takes one on an easy to digest but thrilling ride of energy and invention. At times the band walk well-worn paths as many others but never without bringing a fresh and vibrant presence and ability to the landscape to bring an endeavour which is honest and impacting. It is also a release which the more time you spend with the more it unveils and persuades the passions, ultimately an experience which inspires participation physically and emotionally.

Opener Manimal steps up to the ear with open riffs and senses caging rhythms but a less than forceful breath, though the energy of the song is muscular enough. The guitar of Matteo Magni is immediately a fiery and enthralling proposition which never relinquishes its magnetic appeal from first note to last whilst the beats of Vinny Brando thump with aggression yet restraint. The bass of Riccardo Canato at times has to be sought but is a constant predatory presence within song and album bringing depth and intimidation alongside Brando. Vocalist Gabriele Gozzi completes the line-up with a delivery which is impressive and engaging, his Chris Cornell like tones a mix of might and melodic skill to match the sounds perfectly.

The great start is soon built upon by the equally powerful tracks The Hangman and Blind Dog. The first is a furious encounter which leaves an abrasion upon the ear and heat in the heart, riffs and rhythms a senses raging thrill veined by compelling sonic skill from the guitars. Lyrically the album is inspired by world and social issues, the intent brought with an array of inciting emotions, and none as potent as within this track. Musically the band match the anger and strength of the words to deliver an uncompromising and rage inspiring statement. The second of the two songs opens up deeper shadows to bring a heavier emotive engagement which though not quite finding the impact of the first two is a provoking pleasure. Influences for the band include Audioslave, Deftones, Stone Sour, and Soundgarden, and where other tracks have essences of say classic metal and rock bands this track is distinctly inspired by the former names.

In an album which is of a strong level throughout other extra highlights come with the outstanding Slayer To The System, a track which throws you in a brawl of scorching energy and riotous musicianship brought with open imagination, Party Right a song which says what it is on the label, and Brand New Jesus. The last of the three is a delicious slab of metallic soaked rock n roll which leaves one breathless and smiling.

Closing with an impressive cover of the Depeche Mode song Wrong, The Seed And The Sewage is an excellent release which offers plenty for fans from all areas of rock and melodic metal. It does not lay out a new road for rock music but interprets and improves on existing directions with accomplished skill and infectious enterprise.

https://www.facebook.com/rhymeband

RingMaster 03/12/2012

Copyright RingMaster: MyFreeCopyright

The evening kicks off with the bombastic glam tinged Heavens Basement, whose catchy chorus’s and charisma seemed to win the audience over for the most part. Admittedly to start with, the audience seemed reluctant to join in, but after a bit of prodding from the frontman, they seemed to jump on the Basement bandwagon heartily. The energy the band shows is more than impressive, the drummer gives the kit no mercy as he slams down the sticks like his life depends on it. The entire band gets into the groove of what they are playing, which encourages the audience to do the same.  It was quite a shame that Heavens Basement are the only opener, purely because they have to experience typical opening sound mix teething problems. This means that some parts of the vocals got slightly lost in translation, but despite this, they remain an opener that you would definitely remember.

Now the tension begins to rise slightly as people wait with baited breath. First the technicians swap over the drum kit, which is fortunate because it has really taken a pummelling. Guitars are brought on, mic stands are set up, and all the while… We are waiting.

Then, figures emerge onto a dark stage, then the bluesy guitar line of ‘No Jesus Christ’ echos around the room. This seems like an odd choice for an opener as it starts of quite slow, but it is oh so perfect. The guitar hook is teased out to the audience, and on steps the main man himself, Shaun Morgan. As he sings the opening line they are echoed back to him in force, this crowd is ready, and when the chorus hits, the crowd let loose. Not one person has both feet on the ground at any one time; the electricity in the air of this small room could light a city.

This amount of energy carries on throughout most of the evening, Seether are a band who (although they may not get much media coverage) know how their audience works. Throughout most of the night, in between songs, the band would go on a very slight tangent and create some feedback noise from the guitars. Now, to a passer-by, that would seem unprofessional, but to a fan, it is the lead in to one of their most famous songs, ‘Remedy’ which doesn’t get played… Yet.

They are toying with us slightly, making us wait again for the coup de grace, but isn’t to say that the rest of the night is just filler, not in the slightest. Seether show that they are quite a playful band, despite some of the downbeat material they produce.   Which despite the depressive feel, it brings the audience together, having an audience of 300 sing the words ‘She told me she had a gun, she said she wants to use it on me.’ Is strangely therapeutic.

After another ‘Remedy’ tease, the distortion on the guitar stops, and we are treated with ‘The Gift’ sung beautifully by Shaun, the crowd is swaying, singing along. There are smiles and tears… And then it dawns on this reviewer… The rest of the band isn’t there. This is one man, and a guitar, for one song only, and we are very lucky.

That’s not to say that this evening is all about the frontman, there is a moment in which the drummer gets a chance to shine. Giving the crowd a bombastic drum solo, which teeters on the verge of being too long and pointless, but lucky it chugs to a stop just in time. And we are told by Shaun that the bassist needed a piss break, when you gotta go you gotta go.

True their isn’t much talking between songs, but when a band tours England as little as Seether does, do you really want an evening of chat… Or do you want as many songs as you can get for your money. The crowd interaction is made within the songs the band play, and that is more than enough.

Now, it has been screamed for, it has been teased all night and finally Remedy, is kicked into gear. Seether knows that we have been waiting all night for this, and they make it as epic as possible, this is now more than a song. This is a Seether anthem, which has embellished and added to throughout the years, with an extended middle 8 which gets the crowd jumping and clapping, and when the chorus hits for the last time, the crowd goes insane.

It is only fitting that this should be Seethers last song of the night. Always leave them wanting more I guess, although when the crowd is obviously baying for another song from a band who doesn’t tour these isles much… Is this really a wise move?

Nevertheless this night proved that Seether is most certainly a band which can deliver live, and can make their material sound even better than in the studio.  They are a band who seems to thrive in smaller venues due to the raw connections that are made with the audience during the songs, and one wonders if that intimacy would be lost in a stadium. But to this audience and on this night they managed make 6 years waiting seem like a mere fleeting moment. True, they may not be the most popular band, but to a Seether fan it is our best kept secret.

Holding off on buying anymore cd’s til Christmas! Hopefully this little piece of coal will make its way into my stocking. If not, I’ll be buying this Seether cd first paycheck after Christmas!!

Breakdown

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should’ve been drown in the rivers I’ve found of token lost
And I should’ve been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
’cause I’m so much more than meets the eye

And I’m the one you can never trust
’cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
’cause I’m so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
’cause I’m so much more than meets the eye

Since having the pleasure of reviewing their first album Waterdog, rock band Feud has held a captivation for us ensuring a constant    engagement with their fine release and earlier EP, Out From The Inside. So there was great anticipation and excitement when the band approached with a release of three new singles to check out. Released together mere days ago, the songs retain all the essences and qualities which make the band one of the more thrilling in the UK right now but elevates them into a stronger punching storm of muscular and infectious sounds. If you thought Feud could capture the imagination and heart with the best of them before they have returned to show previous outings were mere teasings and that now they have the ammunition to succumb any rock n roll heart.

Originally founded by South African brothers Greg (vocals/guitar) and Guy (drums/vocals) Combrinck, the band truly became a forceful entity with the relocation of the men to the UK and the joining up with Ian Harper (guitars/vocals) and Tom Syrett (bass/vocals). As well as the aforementioned acclaim releases the High Wycombe based quarter has matched the likes of Cancer Bats, Young Guns, Jettblack and Days In December whilst sharing stages with them, getting stronger and more inventive with every moment of their four years of existence. The band has always brewed a feisty mix of rock with heavy grunge essences and the new songs are no different though all explore new and even more incendiary aspects of their sound and songwriting making for three original and stirring slabs of essential music.

Floater opens with a crystalline tangle of sharply noted guitar coaxing, the lure an immediate tingle which takes one back initially to the likes of Mighty Lemon Drops and House Of Love. The track though as expected was not going to tenderly stroke the ear for long and soon brings in thumping rhythms and a delicious velvety deep bass sound. There is still a controlled restraint to the track even with its elevated pace and intensity but eventually it cannot stop fiery crescendos of sound and chorus from breaking out. It is a staggering track which plays like an emotive riot within the heart and raging fire in the ear brought from a union of Nirvana, Foo Fighters, and Sick Puppies. From the pulsating bass and incisive drums through to the enthralling melodic flames of guitars and vocals, the track is immense and declares alone that Feud is back, bigger and, better than ever.

With instantly infectious drums laying a hypnotic cage for an unleashing of its adrenaline soaked energy, Medicine stomps through the ear for a meaty thrill of punk n roll. With rampant intent and a Green Day like soaking of the ear, the track chews and romps with classy sonic enterprise and bruising urgency for an irresistible punk rock classic. Though the American trio is unmistakable as a spice to the song, there are elements which would grace any Stone Sour or Gruntruck track but distinct only to Feud and impossible not to devour with greed. Again every member of the band brings a contagious breath to their skilled and imaginative contributions, which only goes to make for a song which leaves the heart raging in ardour.

The final single is the less intense Miles Away, though that is in its attack and not passion, the heart of the song as insatiable and unrelenting as the other pair of triumphs. From another strolling start of rhythms and guitar behind the expressive vocals, the song hits its stride to create a furnace of scorching sonic riffing and barbed hungry hooks. With its arguably less tenacious assault the song offers a diversity of sound to the other two which touches on the likes of Seether, Stone Temple Pilots, and Bush. It is another tasty bite which enflames the appetite for much more from the band which will evolve into no doubt impatience the longer the wait for more new impressive tempests of excellence is.

If this foursome has yet to spark up your passion than any if not all of these wonderful singles will leave you a breathless and exhilarated bundle of fully satisfied energy. Feud creates high energy quality rock music and as Floater, Medicine, and Miles away show, this is a band which just get better and better.

Get the singles @
http://www.feudmusic.com

RingMaster 19/11/2012

Copyright RingMaster: MyFreeCopyright

Since 2007 they’ve released another album, and it is possibly softer still, in the main. All that means is it showcases Shaun Morgan’s voice off even more; I love my bands for their strong vocals and expressive guitar, and Seether is mostly my musical nirvana in this respect. Anyway – I could tell you how awesome they are for the whole evening, but I’ve not even eaten yet, so I’ll let you look for yourself. In case you were wondering, the inspiration for this post is the fact that I’m going to see them live tomorrow in London *squeeeee* Please click if you like any form of alternative or metal music (or even if you don’t) and if you’re a Seether fan already, share the love xxx

Shaun Morgan
Source:http://loudwire.com/seether-shaun-morgan-interview-brutally-honest/
Photo Credit: Ethan Miller

Today I’m proud to feature a talented local musician (fellow South African)from the rock band Seether. Shaun Morgan Welgemoed was born on the 21st of December 1978, he is widely known as the lead singer and lead/rhythm guitarist for Seether. All of his early life was spent in South Africa, his parents divorced when Shaun was still a child. At the tender age of 14 Shaun heard Nirvana’s Nevermind album for the first time, which inspired him to become a musician.He began to play the guitar by first learning to play “Polly” by Nirvana before starting to piece together bands that he could play with. His biological father did not approve of his son playing in bands, so Shaun ran away from home in order to cut a demo while living in friends’ garages and even their cars. Shaun eventually returned home to Pietermaritzburg to live with his mother and stepfather. He started playing in bands again, but quit playing music after three years, because he wasn’t making any progress.

Shaun is one of three children, he has a sister called Lucy and a brother Eugene who passed away in 2007. Shaun attended Maritzburg College (which was renowned for their sports) in Pietermaritzburg where he showed promise as a front-row rugby player for his age group’s top teams in his first 3 years in highschool. In his third year as a rugby player Shaun injured his back and he was forced to give up the sport. Rugby is a hugely popular sport in South Africa.

Prior to forming Saron Gas, Shaun was a member of a tribute band that used to play covers of songs from Metallica and Korn. In May 1999 Shaun became the rhythm guitarist and back-up vocalist of Saron Gas. Four other members excluding Shaun formed the line-up for the band which included a female vocalist, drummer, bassist and a lead guitarist. However the vocalist and the guitarist didn’t attend the band’s first practice, the remaining members decided to form a three-piece with Shaun on lead vocals and guitar. Saron Gas had moderate success up until the point where the bass player decided to quit in January 2000 which forced Shaun to find a replacement. Shaun Morgan phoned the only other good bass player he knew which was Dale Stewart. Later that year Saron Gas released their debut album entitled ‘Fragile’.

In January 2002 the band relocated to the United States where they signed with Wind-Up Records. During this time the original drummer for the band decided to return to South Africa where the two remaining members had to fulfill Wind-Up Record’s request to come up with a different name for their band. The band agreed on Seether named after a song performed by the band Veruca Salt. Due to the fact that Americans had a hard time pronouncing Shaun’s surname ‘Welgemoed’, Shaun decided to use his middle name as his last name while performing, which is more convenient. Seether released their debut major-label album called ‘Disclaimer’ on the 20th of August 2002.

Shaun Morgan has a daughter named Jayde Fourie-Welgemoed with his first wife Jill Hollon with whom he split in 2002. From 2003 to 2005 Shaun Morgan dated Evanescence’s lead singer Amy Lee. The relationship ended bitterly and Amy Lee eventually admitted that their song ‘Call Me When You’re Sober” was written about her relationship with Shaun Morgan. Shaun had a brief stay in rehab in August 2006 for alcoholism. Shaun’s rehab stint began on the same day that the Evanescence track in question was released to the nation’s rock radio stations. Shaun Morgan was not happy (to say the least) about the fact that Amy released intimate details about the couple’s relationship, he claimed that the song followed him around for a year and has haunted him ever since, influencing his reputation in a negative way. Shaun Morgan was not interested in a public response to the song and preferred to avoid any Amy Lee references on their album ‘Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces‘ as he didn’t have the need to write back and be mean. Shaun added that if there was any references in the album it would refer to his most recent ex which he claims was a horrible relationship. “Amy and I, at our worst moments, were still better than this last girl and I at
our best moments.” – Quote source, article MTV.com by Chris Harris

In September 2006 it was reported that Shaun was engaged and was about to become a father once again. His fiancé gave birth to a son named Bowie in November 2006. In August 2007 Shaun’s brother Eugene sadly comitted suicide just a few weeks before ‘Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces‘ was set to be released. Eugene’s death was reported by Rapid City Journal, who stated that he had jumped to his death shortly after midnight on Monday 13th August 2007 from an 8th-floor window in Radisson Hotel in Rapid City, South Dakota.   Shaun has 1308 tattooed on his four right fingers and 2007 on his left four fingers in tribute to the day that Eugene died. Seether’s song ‘Rise Above This’ is a tribute to Eugene, I have always really loved this song and it just means so much more after I learned about the subject matter. This song will never lose its potency and power, a true classic. Another song was written about Eugene on Seether’s latest album ‘Holding on to Strings Better Left to Fray” called “Pass Slowly”. In March of 2011 Shaun became a father for the third time when his daughter Gracelee was born.

In addition to their major-label debut album Disclaimer, Seether has released three more studio albums Karma and Effect (2005), Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces (2007) and Holding On to Strings Better Left to Fray in 2011. In addition to these albums they released a compilation album titled Disclaimer II in 2004 and the live cd/dvd One Cold Night in 2006. In 2009 Seether released the original track titled “No Shelter”, the cover of George Michael’s Careless Whisper which was a huge hit and received a lot of radio airplay in South Africa especially and lastly ”I’ve got you under my Skin” a Frank Sinatra cover.

Shaun Morgan is known for his raw, emotionally charged and aggressive voice paired with Seether’s equally powerful teeth clenching rock songs. Seether appeals to quite a wide range of tastes, they have hard rock songs, ballads and rock/pop hybrids in their reportoire of songs which make them all-rounders in the rock genre. Definitely a band that have moulded themselves into a successful rock act.

Rock Regards,

Lauren K

Shaun Morgan
Photo Credit: Sean Derrick

Shaun Morgan
Source:http://www.last.fm/music/Shaun+Morgan

You can follow Seether on Twitter here:
https://twitter.com/SeetherOfficial

I came across this gem where Seether performs Nutshell by Alice in Chains with Shinedown,

two great bands performing together is always a treat!

Enjoy!

Until then:
Lägg aldrig pengar på att se Seether live.
Det är verkligen, verkligen inte värt det. Drygt och tråkigt, to say the least.

Båten däremot, var jävligt grym! Mer om det senare.

But I digress…

One of the things I’ve noticed recently is that I really like Seether.  It has gotten to the point that maybe 45% of the time when I Shazam a song, it turns out to be Seether.  You may say that that’s not a very high percentage.  However, when you take into consideration how many songs I actually try to figure out, 45% is a really high percentage.  Also, there’s not been a single Seether song that I haven’t liked that I’ve heard.  It just hit me today that I had really no idea that I loved Seether this much.  And I thought I simply must write a post about it.

This song is so fantastic.  It’s both an empowering song and also a kick-you-in-the-face-fake-people song.  Really, I think it’s supposed to be the latter, but I find it empowering when I really have no idea what I’m doing!  The “fake it ’til you make it” statement is highly encouraged in Therapy World (sorry if you super trusted your therapist…).  But it also reminds me of all of those people in your life who are super fake.  Plus, this song is just so great.  Even if you don’t listen to the words, the musicality of it is just so… awesome.

Can I just say that I love, love, LOVE when metal bands do country songs???  Because I do.  The combination of the metal vocals and the riff in the chorus with the country riff at the beginning and in the verses has me melting in my stylish, yet affordable, cowboy boots.  And the video is just so darn adorable!

This song is yet another example of how epic I find Seether.  I didn’t even know this was them!  I Shazamed this song and thought to myself, “Of course it’s Seether!  Why on earth would it be anybody else?”  They are just so fantastic.

Well, I thought I should let you know a bit more about what’s going on with my writing sitch.  First of all, I haven’t written much.  Well, that’s a bit of a lie.  I’ve written quite a bit in the Gatekeeper book, but none of it I can actually use yet because it’s for much later on in the story.  (That was just the part that I was inspired to write at the time.)  I had lost the journal for my Slow Decay books, which was detrimental because I couldn’t remember a single thing about the direction I wanted to go in.  I finally found it in my garage and am able to go through it now to try to get some of those things in order.  And I have started on the second novel in the series, which will feature Star’s sister, Stormy.  I have to admit I am a little stuck on For Those About To Rock, however I suspect I will be unstuck soon as I need to get to work on it to fine-tune some of the things that will happen for the second book.  I’m thinking the title of the second book will be Let There Be Rock.  I’m sticking with the AC/DC theme there, but if I do that, I have no idea what the title of the third book will be.  So if you’ve got ideas, throw me a shout-out!  I’d love to hear any and all suggestions.  See you Wednesday!

********************************************************************************

I started university last September. I’d been looking toward it with a mixture of excitement, hope, and intense anxiety. Despite this anxiety, I did manage to go along to a field trip sort of thing where a few lecturers, 30 other students and I did a series of different environmental science/ forensic tasks in the Edinburgh area. We also did some ‘icebreaker’ activities. I somehow ended up making conversation with a woman who had worked with me on some of the tasks. I found it very difficult to talk to her, due to both my anxiety and the fact that her English wasn’t very good at the time (she’s originally from Poland) and she tends to speak very quietly, but I was amazed that I was actually somehow having a conversation with someone without looking like a weirdo. Despite having to to psyche myself up for ages to go on the field trip, I enjoyed it a lot. The woman I talked to (let’s called her JW) and I exchanged phone numbers later that day. I was happy that maybe I’d finally found a potential friend, or at least someone I could talk to at uni.

That September was the happiest I’d felt in a long time. I was somewhat ahead of other students in knowing what to do, due to attending summer school. I had online friends who I talked to regularly, and I had now met a potential friend at my uni. I was free from the years of bullying and torment of highschool. This was a chance to make a fresh start and finally overcome my crippling social anxiety. However, as with highschool, it didn’t work out like that.

I started to sink into depression again about midway through October (it seems to always be October). I started to self harm and feel suicidal again. One thing I was glad of though, was that my grandparents had allowed me to stay at their house during term time, so I’d live there during the week and only go home at the weekend. I don’t think I could ever cope with living in halls of residence, and as I can’t drive, it would take me at least an hour and a half either way to travel to and from uni if I stayed at home. The fact that I was only home at weekends, however, made me feel even more lonely and isolated. I continued to hide my self harm/ suicidal state from my family – or well…not really ‘hide’ as such; I simply just didn’t tell them. This of course led to yet more misunderstanding from my parents and more gibes from my dad. I was glad that I could get away from him during the week. It was somewhat easier to fool my grandparents into thinking I was okay, though I think they still suspected that something was up. I did find it annoying that they would constantly be asking who I’d talked to at uni that day (and having to lie about this), and my grandmother would constantly be saying that I should meet people by getting a job or joining a club and that making friends was just a simple case of “smile and just talk to people”. They’d also moan at me for being lazy when I’d come home from uni in the afternoon and just collapse into bed in exhaustion, due to my S.A.D. I’d spend almost all my time (unless I was at uni) in ‘my room’ (the guest room) just sleeping, studying, playing video games, or mucking about on the computer.

JW (the woman I’d talked to at the field trip in the induction week) continued to talk to me at uni and started to regularly drive me to uni. I was initially very grateful and amazed that someone actually seemed to want to talk to me, but it didn’t develop into what I’d call a proper ‘friendship’, like I’d hoped. Sometimes I wonder if I am incapable of having friends ‘in real life’ (as opposed to just online). It will always end up that I’m too afraid to just be ‘myself’ or reveal anything about myself. The conversations never go beyond the superficial level of “I hate this weather” or “What did you do at the weekend?” (my old favourite) or just simply talking about the work at uni. I’m terrified to take it past that for fear of people judging me and realising how much of a freak I am. I don’t think I could ever really get anyone to understand or put up with my mental health difficulties. Even if they did understand, I can’t imagine them putting up with me being constantly suicidal and having nothing positive to say for 8+ months at a time. I don’t think I am worthy of friendship and I often fail to see the point. In an ideal world, I’d somehow be able to reach the point where I could speak my mind with a close friend and they’d accept me for who I am, and I could laugh and joke and be myself around them. However, in reality, I don’t ever reach that level, and people usually get fed up and just leave me. Sometimes I actually want them to leave me because I hate having to put on an act for them, and like I said, I don’t think I’m worthy of friendship. And anyway, what’s the point of making friends with someone if you’re too anxious to speak your mind and they’re going to leave you regardless? People always leave. I stopped seeking friends a long time ago because I’m convinced that no one would ever want to be friends with me anyway. I feel I can’t let people get close to me because they will just end up hurting me and mocking me like some of my old ‘friends’ did.

Aside from my issues with friendship/ revealing things about myself to people, I don’t feel I can be friends with JW due to us having almost nothing in common. She loves dubstep and I hate it; she’s outgoing and I’m the least outgoing person ever; she loves smoking cannabis, I’ve never even been drunk; she’s 25, I’m 18; she has a lot of friends and a boyfriend, I have none; etc. On the topic of drugs, we were at her flat once, doing an online assessment for uni together, and she said she could get me some weed if I wanted. Whilst it’s somewhat tempting when I’m very close to suicide, I think it would most likely only mess up my crap brain chemistry even more. As I’ve said before, I don’t drink either, and I think that if I ever got drunk or high, I’d probably soon end up addicted and use alcohol/drugs as a social crutch/vice. Of course being someone who never drinks is, I imagine, another sure-fire way to be an outcast from almost all social events at uni, even if I did somehow manage to start talking to people. I don’t have a problem with other people doing those things, as long as they’re not disturbing me (another reason why I’m glad I don’t live in halls – I’ve heard a lot of stories about people causing a disturbance to others or setting the fire alarm off at 3am, meaning that the whole place needs to be evacuated, when drunk) but it annoys me when people act like alcohol is all there is to life.

*Trigger warning for the next paragraph: I talk about self harm and suicide methods*

My depression only seemed to get worse as the days got darker and colder. I struggled to get out of bed every morning and ate too much. I was exhausted all the time despite sleeping a lot more. My memory was shot to pieces and I couldn’t concentrate. Despite this, I’d get good marks for assignments at uni but it would have no affect whatsoever on my mood and I could never feel proud of what I’d done. I felt like a complete outcast and freak to everyone at my uni. I was lonely, miserable and suffering from ‘derealisation’ most of the time. I started to cut my thighs and stomach, as they were easier to hide than my forearms. The cuts were still somewhat shallow at this point but I was doing it quite extensively. I started to think about/ look into various ways that I could kill myself. I’d walk past the railway and just want to lie down on the track so badly. I soon ruled out this method after I learned that train drivers often get post traumatic stress disorder for the rest of their lives after running over someone on the tracks – I wanted my suicide to cause as little pain, to as few people as possible (though I now know that’s impossible). I started to become obsessed with jumping from a bridge instead. I’d look at the heights of, and try to find out the probability of death for various bridges. I planned out routes to both the Dean Bridge and the Forth Road Bridge. I tried to talk to my mum about how I was feeling in late November, but I got nowhere and she just ended up getting annoyed with me when I told her how much my depression had been affecting me. (I’d only managed to list physical symptoms in the hope she’d realise something was up, as I was too afraid to say outright that I was suicidal). Everything seemed completely hopeless and pointless, and I felt like no one cared about how I felt. I was unable to even cry even though I felt like doing so all the time. I would have given anything to just be able to cry. Crying usually brings a sort of relief in the end. The only relief I could find was though cutting myself. I started to do somewhat dangerous/ stupid things like walking through isolated areas alone in the dark. I didn’t even care what might happen to me at this point. I decided if I was going to kill myself, I’d jump off the Forth Road Bridge, since the likelihood of death is far greater than jumping from the Dean Bridge. This remains my default suicide plan to this day. I was convinced that I would take my own life before my 18th birthday. I remember relating to this song a lot at the time:

I was finding it difficult to even have the focus or cognitive abilities to do my uni assignments. I fell behind and ended up frequently having to ask for extensions to deadlines (thankfully student support know about my mental health difficulties and were quite helpful). It’s very hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from depression just the sheer, seemingly limitless depths of hell into which you sink during an episode. I think it’s probably impossible to completely understand or imagine if you’ve never been there yourself. The thought of being back there again for even a day terrifies me. I’d have times when I’d wake up in the middle of the night and just feel like killing myself there and then. I’d just stare and the walls, unable to cry, and wish so badly for death. I wanted my thoughts to stop, to lose conciousness completely, anything to make it stop. It took me about an hour or two to get back to sleep, but it felt like decades. I’d just end up having nightmares when I finally did fall asleep.

One good thing that happened was that I went to see 2 of my favourite bands – Rise Against and Coldplay – within a month of each other, which made me feel amazing for a day or two afterwards and reduced the blackness for a short while. It was the first time I’d ever been to see a band live (I’d always been too anxious to do so before, but my mum and sister came along with me). I was very anxious to begin with but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would have been and I enjoyed both nights a lot.

I finally got a second autism assessment via 3 appointments throughout December. The woman who assessed me is an expert on high-functioning autism in females, so I’d hoped that she of anyone would be able to give me an accurate diagnosis. She accepted the fact that “you definitely have very severe social anxiety” but seemed to think that this was merely a feature of HFA/ Asperger’s and couldn’t be separate from this. This is the opinion that the people at my first assessment seemed to share, which infuriates me. In my experience, most NHS professionals don’t seem to know a lot about social anxiety disorder (and some are completely clueless/ ignorant of its existence). It was frustrating trying to get it through to her that although I meet some of the diagnostic criteria for HFA, I don’t think any of this can’t be explained by social anxiety. I think my severe depression distorted things as well (which she later admitted herself, after finding out just how badly depressed I was). I was extremely nihilistic at the time, which I think she mistakenly thought was a lack of understanding of relationships/ others emotions/ lack of empathy. When I’m in that mood, if someone asked “What do you think the point in friendship is?”, I’d answer that there is no point and that there’s nothing to be gained from it because people will ultimately always screw you over. I have the understanding that people form friendships because it is emotionally and socially rewarding and it’s interesting and nice to get to know someone, etcetera, but I’m unable to express this when in that mood because depression makes everything seem meaningless. I can easily see how this could be misinterpreted. I told her about my depression but she simply asked if what I call ‘depression’ is just a label to hide autistic symptoms. When she found out that I self harm, she simply said “Don’t do it”. Her ignorance infuriated me. And with regards to the self harm comment…yeah, it never would have occurred to me to just not do it… Professionalism at its best. I obviously didn’t tell her about being suicidal (no one knew about it at the time besides my psychiatrist and a couple of online friends). Having my actions misunderstood by her continued to be a source of annoyance to me.

I was glad to get a few weeks off uni for Christmas (first years at my uni don’t have exams until the second trimester, so get an extra 2-3 weeks holiday at Christmas) but was still completely miserable. I can’t really even remember what I did during most of December except the last of my assessments and sleeping an inordinate amount. We have a family tradition that we always go ice-skating on Christmas Eve, but I felt completely miserable the whole time (which my parents noticed and wondered about) so couldn’t enjoy it. I spent most of Christmas morning lying in bed feeling completely miserable and exhausted and trying to cry – to no avail. I had to put on a ‘brave face’ for extended family members when they arrived for Christmas dinner, but did end up feeling a lot better after talking to/ joking with everyone. I hoped that the new year would bring an improvement to my mood.

******************************************************************************* Edit: Wow…I’ve fairly blathered on a bit. I wish I could write this much in so little time when it comes to my uni assignments. 

I’m totally a person who gets low and/or depressed once in a while ( I mean who doesn’t, right?). I frequently make different ‘anti depression’ playlists, which include old and new songs, pop, rock, r&b all collected together. It helps like nothing else can .

*drum roll please*

• Mermaid – Train (Would’ve wished in ’92, for a mermaid just like you..)
• Vienna – Billy Joel (all time favourite)
• Laserlight – Jessie J ft David Guetta (High octane speciality )
• Safe and Sound – Taylor Swift (soft option, but effective)
• Scar Tissue – Red Hot Chilli Peppers (pleasing in a twisted sort of way)
• Wonderwall – Oasis (of course)
• Sexy And I Know It – LMFAO (no shoes no shirt and I still get service, WHAA?!)
• A Thousand Years – Christina Perri (Twilight soundtrack, mellow tones)
• Crazier – Taylor Swift (favouritest song ever <3)
• Feel Good Inc – The Gorillaz (…It’s my chocolate attack)
• Blow Me (One Last Kiss) – P!nk
• Get The Party Started – P!nk (classic :’))
• Kryptonite – Three Doors Down (..with my superhuman, might, kryptonite)
• Superfreak – Rick James (don’t ask)
• Good Time – Carly Rae Jepsen and Owl City (SUMMAHH SONG)
• Love Addict – Family Force 5 (put a little love in it)
• I Want You To Want Me – Cheap Trick (10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU)
• Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd 
• Umbrella – Rihanna 

And my ultimate feel better amazingly awesomely wonderful song: Broken – Amy Lee and Seether <3. 

This has been my complete anti-depression playlist for ages and it keeps getting updated constantly. I love new additions, and happiness, and sunshine *

*Disclaimer: I am not on drugs, or high. Just happy. HAPPINESS.