5. Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld (1989 – 1998)

At first glance, Jerry’s wardrobe isn’t that aesthetically offensive, but take a closer look. First of all, Jerry, I thought you were a native New Yorker, but nothing says “I’m Canadian and have no pride” quite like the entirely denim outfits you insist on wearing throughout the tenure of your program. And as if that weren’t awful enough, you frequently church that outfit up with a tweed jacket and tweed tie, to say nothing of the occasional sweater vest. Worse, you wear black jeans, tapered black jeans and seemingly try and pass them off as “dress” pants. But you know what accessory really ties the whole heinous get up together? The solid white cross trainers you insist on wearing with EVERYTHING. Do you have an orthopedic issue we’re not aware of? And I’m not even going to touch your early 90′s stand-up attire. The blazer with the jeans. A lot of tucking. You’re a funny guy, with his own apartment and a decent job in the entertainment industry. Enlist the help of Elaine already and get yourself some modern apparel, because like it or not, the puffy shirt was actually an improvement.

4. Dorothy Zbornak on The Golden Girls (1985 – 1992)

Oh Dorothy! Words can’t even describe the crimes against fashion that you have committed. Is that a nightgown? A long dress with an oversized vest? A one-piece skirt/skort/pant/jacket/blouse? Does that zip as one somewhere in the back? And why do you insist on rolling up the sleeves on EVERYTHING that you wear? Who do you think you are? Don Johnson? And what’s with the boots? The bottom of your dress/skirt/gown/pant has never approached anything short of ankle length, so I’m unsure why you’d go the extra mile and put on any kind of boot. You’ve now forced me to consider why you’re so steadfastly preventing any glimpse of your legs and for that, I hate myself. Oh, and Pussycat, lose the bow tie!

3. Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men (2003 – Present)

Who dresses like this? And why am I supposed to think it’s cool? This is a grown ass man, who brings home REALLY ATTRACTIVE women like it’s his job, yet he spends his days clad in bowling shirts of various hideous colorways, CARGO SHORTS repeat: CARGO SHORTS,  and worst of all, mid-calf length socks and slip on shoes. Is he retarded? These get-ups sort of seem like the Garanimals of alcoholic adults–all the shirts match all the pants, match all the socks so getting dressed is simple! Perhaps the reason he never gets past the one-night stand (I’ve seen like six episodes of this show, the running theme seems to be that women swoon over him and then sleep with him hours after meeting him) is not because of his super cool fear of commitment and Peter Pan syndrome, but rather because when the girls get up to pee in the middle of the night, they catch a glimpse of his closet and realized that the just had sex with a man who wears bowling shirts, exclusively.

2. Nancy Bartlett on Roseanne (1991 – 1997)

You’ve got to have some pretty hideous duds to stand out on Roseanne. For Christ’s sake, Rosie spent half the series in an oversized rooster/chicken T-shirt, and Aunt Jackie has some of the ugliest sweaters television has ever seen outside of the Huxtable house, however, these costumes seemed to fit the characters. That’s who they were and for that, I can forgive the fashion faux pas. Nancy on the other hand, is unforgivable. Seemingly, this bitch never met a piece of spandex or animal print (bonus if it’s both) she didn’t love. Acid washed high waisted jeans? Fantastic! They’ll look dazzling with that leopard leotard and jacket that somehow involves fur. Neon! Why not? Apparently she never got the memo that she was living in 1990′s Lanford, Illinois and working at a loose meat sandwich shop and not in early 1980′s New Jersey and working at a hair salon in the mall. I like to think that if we’d seen Kimmy Gibler all grown up, her wardrobe would have been identical.

1.  Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy (1999 – 2000)

No other character on television has ever or will ever have a wardrobe quite as grotesque as Jerri Blank’s. It’s wonderfully repugnant, ugly in every way–cheap, synthetic fabrics cut in the most unflattering of ways, usually featuring colors in the rust family, really and truly a more hideous look has never existed. In the first episode, we learn that Jerri shops at The Comfort Zone, (which I can only imagine went out of business sometime in the 1970′s) and in subsequent interviews with Amy Sedaris that her look was achieved when Sedaris described to the wardrobe department that she needed to look “like someone who owns a snake.” Well, mission accomplished. Not only do I believe that this woman owns a snake, I also believe that she is a delusional 46 year old high school freshman who has spent more than one late night chained to a radiator snortin’ horse and smokin’ sticks of pot.

Be it a diner, restaurant, coffee shop or bar, the haunts and hangouts of TV characters can become as legendary as the characters that patronize them. These fictional hangouts are places we wish existed, where we could spend our leisure time chatting wittily with our friend group, which may or may not be comprised of six different but zany archetypes. The following amazing make-believe haunts are celebrated not only for their prominent position in pop culture but also because having just ONE place for the gang to hang out, saves a bundle on sets.

5. Paddy’s Pub – Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So Paddy’s might have been voted the “worst bar in Philadelphia” but that won’t prevent it from making my list, in fact it’s only a boon to it’s greatness as far as I’m concerned. This place is a real dive, if I’m going to be nice about it, dump if I’m not. Somehow Mac, Dennis, Charlie and Frank manage to run this joint, of course with the help of bartender/waitress/drunk girl Sweet D. Seriously, I’m dying to hang out here. The clientele is a mixed bag–shady Asian gambling addicts, mildly retarded white rappers, minors, hobos, dead people, theater enthusiasts, you name it, at some point, each and every kind of person has thrown back a couple at Paddy’s and/or  been fucked over by some scheme that began inside its walls . Plus, they’ve got a pool table.

4. Monk’s “The Coffee Shop” – Seinfeld

You will find no patrons so loyal to an unremarkable diner as Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are to Monk’s aka “The Coffee Shop.” This allegiant foursome has arguably the world’s largest selection of restaurants to patronize, yet time and time again you’ll find them eating the same boring sandwiches and sipping coffee in their usual booth. Sure, sometimes they venture out for “fat free” yogurt or some Nazi-made soup, or occasionally to Monk’s “bizarro” competitor Reggie’s, but not very often because “they don’t have the big salad.” And they’ve had their fair share of issues at Monk’s, from the big-breasted waitress fiasco to George’s ongoing hate relationship with the cranky cashier. Mostly I just liked the dialogue.

3. Central Perk – Friends

How could I not mention Central Perk? First and foremost, it’s a terrific pun, and who doesn’t love a pun? I’m pretty sure this place is partially responsible for the over saturation of coffee houses throughout America. Everyone loves the idea of sipping lattes from brightly colored jumbo mugs while relaxing on a plush davenport and enjoying an intellectual conversation or some light reading or perhaps one of Phoebe’s latest songs. And we all imagine ourselves doing this in a lovely Mom and Pop shop, just like Central Perk, located conveniently on the ground level of our insanely spacious apartment building. Unfortunately, all we have are Starbucks, and if at any time I noticed a six-pack of really attractive friends exchanging hilarious one-liners inside the Starbucks, I would have to assume my coffee had been laced with a mind altering substance.

And a tip of the hat to barista Gunther, who, with the smallest part ever, still manages to have the largest “supporting” role on Friends.

2. Phil’s – Murphy Brown

Even though the show begins with Murphy’s release from the Betty Ford Clinic, it’s no reason to stop going to the bar. Or is it? Phil’s, which is located directly across the street from the FYI studio, provides a perfect respite for the news team. Whether it be for some pub food or a mid-afternoon highball, Phil’s is your place. And Phil is your man! Played by Pat Corley, Phil was always dispensing sound advice for Murphy and the gang. Phil’s was sort of like the last refuge for olden time stereotype journalists–a dark bar where trench coat/fedora hat clad investigative reporters could sip whiskey and crank cigarettes, hoping to overhear some political gossip, which actually was somewhat likely in Phil’s, being that it was (I think) located on K Street in downtown Washington. Midway through the series Phil dies and when his wife, Phyllis and children (who are also named some version of Phil) decide they must sell the bar, the news team bands together and buys it. All of them have ideas about how to improve it (personalize it) but in the end decide to keep it the same including the running gag “CLOSE THE DOOR” when even an ounce of sunlight pours in, which makes sense. No one wants to be reminded that they’re shitcanned in the middle of the afternoon.

1. Arnold’s – Happy Days

No 70′s show about the 50′s would be complete without a Drive-In for the hip teens, with their Rock & Roll, and, and poodle skirts and their issues with authority to hang in out at. Enter Arnold’s, the number one TV hangout, according to me. Arnold’s was run by Al Delvecchio and was frequented by Richie, Joanie, Chachi, Ralph Malph, Potsie and the Fonz,. Seriously, it’s the only public place they ever went. I love it though, because without it, we may have never have seen the Fonz rip his leather jacket off and punch out a couple of rabble rousers and we DEFINITELY wouldn’t have seen him single-handedly (athankyou) “fix” the jukebox. Arnold’s was further ingrained into pop culture when Weezer used it as the setting for their 1994 music video, Buddy Holly. Roll clips. . .

Moment: George recounting how he saved a beached whale while posing as a marine biologist, the conclusion coming full-circle with Kramer’s new hobby of hitting golf balls into the ocean. It’s not so much the reveal that I love as much as George’s posturing, as if he’s retelling The Old Man & The Sea. “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.”