In order to understand your true potential you first need to build an inner stability.

First, what defines inner stability?

According to definition and philosophical understanding, an inner stability is a physical system that persists in its existing equilibrium when undisturbed (or only slightly disturbed) but able to pass to a more stable equilibrium when sufficiently disturbed.

 How does one accomplish this extremely vast concept of inner stability?

1. 1.     Self awareness

Definition states that Self-awareness is the explicit understanding that one exists. Furthermore, it includes the concept that one exists as an individual, separate from other people, with their own thoughts.  A.K.A Personal Identity
Self-consciousness is a personal understanding of the very core of one’s own identity.

How do you become self aware?

After I typed it into Google’s search engine I came upon this website, http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_awareness.htm. They state it as the following.

Being self aware is knowing:

• what you want in your life
• your strengths and weaknesses
• what motivates you and  makes you happy
• what you want to change about yourself or about your life
• your achievements so far
• how you relate to others
• what you need to improve as a person
• your most important beliefs and values
• how you see yourself as a person  

According to this website, how you can become aware is by researching websites, self-help books and exploring yourself by analyzing your beliefs and values.  

To build an inner stability you need to KNOW YOURSELF!!!!

I’m going to quiet my mind and connect to my inner soul by doing yoga twice a week ! This should pave the way for self-awareness.

It’s More Than Just A Cup Of Coffee

During our Norway in a Nutshell Tour road trip in the summer of 2008, my partner Jan and I had a seemingly insignificant interaction over coffee. We have learned that it is the insignificant interactions that become most significant for us, and that these little stories bring us so much clarity and insight about ourselves:

It was very early in the morning when Jan and I began our road trip vacation. Jan had packed a lovely thermos filled with coffee. He asked me if I would mind pouring him a cup, while he drove. “Of course not,” I replied. After several seconds of fiddling around with the thermos, I realized that that it did not unscrew. “ How the hell do you open this thing?” Jan looked over at me as if to say, “ Are you kidding me?” and then he smiled and told me to figure it out. I felt a silly awkwardness at my lack of ability. I tried to get Jan to open the coffee thermos, but he just laughed and said figure it out. He was not going to help me. At least a minute went by and I still could not seem to open the thermos. I felt some tiny frustration, and even a bit stupid, and I felt a slight uneasiness in my stomach, but it went away.

A part of me had a flicker of a thought that Jan surely must be getting annoyed with me, but clearly he wasn’t. He was smiling as he drove. I felt relaxed enough not to take the situation too seriously. Jan at this point was teasing me, and playfully asking me why I had not opened the thermos by now. He really wanted his coffee. As Jan continued to poke at my lack of thermos opening ability, I started to laugh at myself and I told him I felt like a monkey in the zoo. Even the monkey would have opened the damn thing by now! He playfully said he would give me a peanut as a reward. In that moment I laughed at the vision of me behind bars at the zoo, and pressed my finger down, which then opened the thermos to my joyful surprise! I felt like, yeah I won the prize!

We both laughed quite hard, and I happily poured Jan that hot coffee he had so patiently waited for. I had some too, and damn did it taste good! Jan told me he loved how I received his teasing and that I could laugh at myself, I told him I loved how he did not get annoyed with me, and that he was so patient that he could joke with me. We shared a good laugh over coffee. This damn coffee tasted so good, we agreed. A cup of coffee can seem so insignificant, but when coffee is not just coffee the insignificant can be profound, especially true when it comes to relationships.

This little interaction of ours was about more than just a cup of coffee. It spoke volumes about our relationship with each other. We saw that we have no hidden anger or resentments with each other. We harbor no guilt or insecurities toward the other. There is nothing that either one of us suppresses, so we can be frustrated, tease, laugh, and joke about any situation (even the insignificant ones) without our interaction turning into a heated argument.

Our coffee story could have been so much different:

Jan could have felt a surge of annoyance swell within him, as I was too incompetent in his eyes to open a simple thermos. He could have looked at me with disapproval and said mean things, called me an idiot. He could have yanked the thermos away and opened it himself as he sped down the highway. Maybe he would have spilled the coffee in his lap in all of his frustration. I could have felt insecure as I saw and felt his disapproval, and then felt my own anger toward him for not being more patient. Maybe I would have cried as he called me stupid, and then gotten more angry that he did not appreciate me; thought to myself, “ Pour your own damn coffee!” When he spilled the coffee would I have silently laughed to myself or would I have looked out the window and suppressed my rage? An argument like this could last for hours as we silently drive down the highway, angry at each other and ourselves. This is about so much more than a cup of coffee, and yet it is that simple, insignificant cup of coffee that can be a catalyst to so much more when it comes to relationships.

Do you relate in your own life with the first or second coffee story?

Sometimes we can find ourselves walking down such familiar corridors when we interact with another, especially in relationships. ” Why can’t you be more patient with me?” Why can’t you just do a simple thing right?” “Why must you get so fckn angry?” “Why must you be so fckn sensitive?” “It’s because you forgot to buy the cream for the coffee that my life is miserable!” ” It’s because you drank the last cup of coffee that my life is miserable” ” You always made a lousy cup of coffee!” ” You should have made your own coffee!”

Life is nothing but a cup of coffee. So, how do you want YOUR coffee?

Coffee can be sweet and delicious and wonderful. It can also be over-extracted and taste bitter. What do you do when your coffee is bitter? Do you drink it with resentment? Look for someone to blame? Pretend it tastes good?Compromise?

Life can be wonderful when coffee tastes sweet.

Sweet delicious coffee however, is not superior to bitter over extracted coffee. How do you feel about that? Can you accept his impatience or her sensitivity?

What does his lack of patience stir within you? What does her sensitivity stir within you? Maybe anger, fear, or a feeling of not being good enough? Breathe that in for a moment and ask yourself:

Must he/she change just to make you happy? What if his impatience or her sensitivity points you to a feeling within yourself? Maybe, just maybe it is something you have always wanted to change and let go of.

Perhaps that bitter coffee has just turned sweet.

Resolve To Live Christmas All Year Round

Today is December 25. That’s right! It’s Christmas Day! People in many parts of the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. For reason we cannot seem to explain to ourselves, we also practice what we call “the Christmas spirit” during this season.

When people talk about the Christmas spirit, they generally mean: be kind, be nice, and have a giving spirit. In other words, reach out to others.

That sounds appealing. But why is it appealing? And why is the Christmas spirit only for Christmas?
I find myself reflecting on these questions on this Christmas Day.

During the Christmas Season, I do find it easier to get in the mood of giving – buying gifts for others, doing favors for neighbors, being patient when I feel frustrated, and showing concern for those who are lonely at Christmas.

So why am I not doing these things the rest of the year?

To think about the answer to this question almost frightens me. I don’t do these things the rest of the year because I do these special behaviors only for a special season. They are not part of my character. I do the Christmas spirit but the Christmas spirit is not part of who I am.

Here is the difference between doing and being. When I am Christmas, I do the Christmas Spirit because that is who I am. When I am not Christmas, my behaviors will not outlast the season.

When Uncle Scrooge in Dickens’ Christmas Carols had an epiphany, or an enlightenment of some kind, he was a changed person. He turned away from the mean, self-serving, and calculating character that he was to become the generous, giving, and kind Uncle to Tiny Tim and many others.

Many years ago, I also had this epiphany, the epiphany of meeting Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. Having this friendship with Jesus has changed me personally. It has empowered me to become the other-centered person who can live the Christmas Spirit all year round.

My transformation has been more gradual than Scrooge’s, and I am still in the process of becoming. I am grateful, though, that I have begun that journey of becoming.

In what ways can you relate to Scrooge’s pre-Christmas approach to life and post-Christmas transformation? How can your life be different if you were to live the Christmas spirit all year old? How would the lives of those around you be different?

I Won’t Hesitate

I will live my dream
I wont hesitate
Holding back lives in the past
I’ve released crying as a weakness
My tears show that I’m alive and
I will not cover up my affections
Behind walls I no longer hide
because I know I don’t have to
I can be nothing less than me

No.. I won’t hesitate
Life is too short
Not to live your dream
It’s what you make it

Even when Life seems like
Everything is going wrong
I know everything is fine
And it will be all right
And I can count on me to smile
I will walk the lonely mile
And never walk alone

No.. I wont hesitate
Life is too short
Not to love your dream
It’s what you make it

I no longer settle for
Comfortable, safe, security
I grab the unknown future
With both hands
And feel joy and spontaneity
A partner there beside me
My heart there to guide me

No I wont hesitate
Life is too short
Not to live your dream
Not to love your dream

Sometimes it is the inconsequential life stories that bring me the most insight. This story is true, although I won’t use the real names of those involved. Let’s just say it is a story about Anygirl and Anyboy, living any where. Maybe it’s even about you.

It was Christmas night, nearly 10pm when my cell phone rang. It was Anygirl; she was calling me to say Merry Christmas, and to ask me how my Christmas had been. After telling her the latest in family gossip, and talking about how over stuffed yet satisfied my belly was from Christmas dinner, I asked her how her day had been. “Fine.” was the reply, and somehow I knew she was far from fine.

She began to tell me how she had dragged herself to early morning Christmas mass to make her visiting mother happy. She continued to tell me that she felt utterly exhausted, but something from her tone made me aware that she was not tired from getting up early for church. “What’s going on with you, how are you doing? I asked her.

She told me that she wasn’t doing very well at all.”Anyboy did not text me to say Merry Christmas!” She was feeling awful about it. Then she asked me if I thought she should text him. One thing that I practice is, I never tell anyone they “should” do anything. I asked her how she felt about texting him to say Merry Christmas.

Her reply was that she felt he should have texted her first. She felt she had gone out on a limb by reaching out to him the day before. She felt he was rude because he found time to update his Facebook page but he could not find time to text her. My reply was that she had told me all about what she “thought” but had not really said a word about how she “felt” She then replied that she didn’t really know how she felt, all she knew was that she felt awful. I told her it was OK that she felt awful; Anyboy had not texted her.

Anygirl added more to the puzzle of this story, Text Me….show me that you LOVE me. She said that because Anyboy had not texted her, that all of these old emotions had surfaced from when they were first dating , and that she now felt awful. I couldn’t help but wonder, why hadn’t she just texted him to say Merry Christmas? Is there really a rule as to who must text who?

Old emotions had surfaced for her, and I thought that was wonderful. These old emotions exist, and they have never gone away. Anyboy was pointing her to something just for her, if she was willing to look at it. His actions brought up strong negative emotions in her,(memories of past crap) and this was her chance to look within, rather than blame Anyboy for being rude or not treating her right. I asked her what emotions in particular had come up. She said she didn’t know. It can be hard to face the emotions that pain us the most, I know this. I told her so.

I probed a little further with Anygirl, and asked again if she could tell me what emotion she was feeling, but she became quiet, and expressed that she did not want to get into what was coming up in her. She told that what I was saying wasn’t really helping her and that she did not want to talk to me. I accepted this, and told her it was OK with me. We hung up.

I’m projecting when I say that Anygirl meant that I was not helping her to feel better. I was not my intention to make her feel better, but I will point you to something if you ask me to. She asked.

Anygirl had asked me for my advice; she asked me what I would do. I was telling her what I do, which is to get in touch with how I feel. Many times it is not pretty. When jealousy or insecurity surfaces it looks ugly, and feels horrible.

Texting, is just a silly avenue that can bring out such insecurity, jealousy, and anger. It can become a game people play in relationships. Have you ever played the Text me game? Although the topic of who texts who first can seem inconsequential, it can be a golden nugget in bringing out emotions if you choose it to be. What you do with these emotions is up to you. Are you Anyboy or Anygirl? Text me, show me that you love me, silly….but not really.

I’ve already talked about what I hate most about being single, and now I’m realizing what I hate most about not being single. See, I decided to go out with someone who was pretty persistent. I didn’t really feel love or strong affection toward him, but I decided to give it a try, since I usually look for a strong connection before leaping into something. I think I should have stuck with that formula.

Right now I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. I like this guy, but I don’t think I can ever love him like I loved my ex. I’ve never stopped loving my ex. I think that’s what makes this whole thing so problematic. I’m trying to give this guy a try on his own merits alone, but he seems to have more negatives going for him. It really upsets me, because he really likes me. Still, it doesn’t exactly make him chivalrous or anything. He still thinks first of himself and then maybe of me. My ex wasn’t like that. I wasn’t like that with him, either. The more considerate a person is with me, the more considerate I am toward them. I think every person feels that way when they’re in a healthy relationship.

I suppose that’s the real clincher here: I don’t feel like I’m in a healthy relationship. I’m sick and tired of missing my ex, but I realize I only miss him now because the relationship was so great. I miss the way I felt with him, and I miss the person he was with me. Do I really miss him, or do I just miss being in a healthy, happy relationship? I think I just miss the relationship. I could be wrong. I’m still in love with him; that much I know. He doesn’t love me anymore. At least, I don’t think he does. Oh well. Life goes on. Where is my knight in shining armor? What a stupid cliché. I don’t think I fancy knights… but I don’t really know what I do fancy… mmmmm…. Scotsmen. I fancy Scotsmen. With that rolling Scottish accent. Yeah, where can I find one of those???

I guess I hate not being in a great relationship. Those come along only rarely. I guess that’s why I can’t stop missing the ex. If things were great, he’d be gone from my mind.

As a follow-up to Part One, I would like to self-evaluate myself, which could just as well edify me becoming a better person in general.

From the screenplay, I noticed these things about myself:

1.) I can hold a conversation however, I have to make sure I’m careful to let other people have their opportunity to speak.

In reality though, I started this life on Earth with a speaking problem that caused my many of my peers to ridicule me, which somewhat lowered my self-esteem and my will to speak. With God’s provision of a speaking therapist, the improvement made a world of difference. During this phase of my life, God revealed one of his gifts in my life, which was writing. But anyone who happens to meet me today would not imagine that I ever had a big stuttering problem in life. 

You know, it is so ironic that I’ve been blessed to speak well in front of big audiences and with my peers after having a speak problem. I would say, starting from high school, a lot of my peers (some older too) would rely on me for advice; and that, I would give them. Surprisingly, at my family church in Little Rock, AR (Greater South Temple COGIC), usually I would be asked to give the sermons during the youth services/ programs. Personally, speaking with people (whether verbally or artistically) and listening to people have always been my two ways of  helping people out and helping myself out.

Overall, people always thought that I had something good to say to speak to their current situations, in which, at most times, it did.  Since I’ve offered my peers with helpful advice for some time now, it has become a habit for me to assume that I always have to speak. But in all essence, I love to listen and watch life unfold more than anything. And although people around me think that I’m a great person, I’m hearing this small voice inside of me telling,

“You’re talking too much. And you know Pat, all the person really wanted you to do was just listen. Argh Pat, just listen. Argh Pat, although you love details because you feel that it really puts something into perspective however, there’s no need for you to include that this time–if they want to know more, let them ask. Pat, you said that already–was it necessary to say it again?”  

Personally, I know the value of just being heard. Being heard could be a life changing experience. As a young African-American blessed to do much, I rely on close friends older than me to confirm whether I’m on the right track. And I love them to death for just taking time out of their busy schedule to hear and correct my thoughts or tell me that I’m on the right track. Right now, I’m trying to find the balance again where I can speak when needed but importantly be the listener and observer that I’ve always been. So, why do I want to balance my speaking and listening time? Not only will it be beneficial for my future experiences down the road but specifically, it will be beneficial to my brothers and sisters in Christ, my friends, my immediate family, my family to raise, my students, fans, etc.

You know the saying, “It’s easier sound than done.” That’s true some cases but, not in this case. I’ve made the correction once I noticed that speaking was becoming a problem. Now, I’ll just have to grow in it. 

2.) The second thing I learned was that: I should be not anxious for anything. 

I was led back to Romans 5: 2-5 (KJV)

2. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

3. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4. And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

With my gift of writing, God knows that I want to touch a lot of people with my writings however, if I only touch myself with them then I will be fine with that.

With my gift of music, God knows that I want to touch a lot of people with my compositions, my piano play (as David moved King Saul with his harp-play), and singing however, if my musical abilities were only meant for them to bring me closer to God or to understand his grace and love more me better than I’m cool with that.

With my gift of bring solace when I’m around familiar and foreign people, God knows that I want to grow as a peacemaker among the people however, if God asks me to leave the scene for a while so that people may know the difference when Godly people are not around than, I’ll be cool with that because I know that I gain my peace from Jesus.

With the strength and wisdom that God has given me, God knows that I want to the muscle in my back and the cells in my brain to set up a house for my family that I could only dream of when I was growing up however, if God told me that I would have to wait 15 more years before I may gain enough favor with him to be blessed with my family to attend to and raise than, that’s why I have Romans 5:2-4 to keep me of good cheer because:

3.) And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4.) And patience, experience; and experience, hope.

Abraham and Sarah waited so many years before she could conceive a child;

through Job’s story, I learned that tribulations occur to the just and the unjust but they brought forth patience, which is something I would need when dealing with family so I won’t be a father who abandon his family when things get tough,

 when a person breaks a bone, that bones become stronger than before. That’s experience.

People waited ages for a Messiah; God’s prophets established that hope in the people through their teachings so that when he really came the people had enough hope to realize that Jesus was that Messiah that we all have waited for. Hope keeps positive things on our minds although we may find ourselves in the ugliest of situations. Knowing that God is able to do anything is hopeful as well.

So, Patrick (I talk to myself sometimes haha) don’t be anxious for anything. Just be hopeful and continue to pray so that God may prepare your way for you. And don’t faint in your prayer life.

3.) Remain Confident and don’t conform for anybody because you can’t make anyone fall in love with you.

Maybe in junior high or in high school, I would lose all confidence when someone rejected me. However, I crucified that mentality (haha). Although I respect those who take part in arranged marriages however, I cannot allow someone even date me if they are not feeling me because my ultimate goal as a future boyfriend, fiancé, and then the transitional phase into a husband is for my wife’s genuine happiness–point blank. Now, I won’t sell my soul for her but she will know that she’s loved.

So when dealing with people, I tend to be real about who I am. Although I’m a very diverse person but still, my core will not defer. But in rejections, I’m learning patience, and in patience, I’m gaining experience, and experience (after seeing that I’m really discovering what I really want in a wife plus learning about myself) I’m gaining hope. Eventually, I’ll gain my prize. Haha. Eventually!

So I know that I’m not perfect because I still have somethings to work on in all areas of my life. But I am grateful that I’m where I’m at right now. I have the mind to improvement myself so that I will be a better man. Although my father was not around to see me undergo some of the transformation that I underwent, today he always let me know that he’s proud of me. And you know, I’m proud of him to because he is keeping up with me and my heart has soften to want to keep up with him. My mother done a great job. I’m grateful to what I have become. Striving to be something even better the next day.

If this doesn’t touch you then, I’m grateful that it moves me. I told you all, “I talk to myself.” haha

Much luv and peace.

Truthanluv aka Pat

So much of our lives this year was about Hope. Hope’s new clothes. Hope’s new bedroom. Hope’s feelings and thoughts and therapy during her gender transition and after. Don’t get me wrong, this is all big stuff. But I have another child. His name is Will.

Although Will is two years younger, he has incredible patience and empathy in this world. Like me, he wears his heart on his sleeve even though it seems an unlikely attribute upon a first meeting. He is this little man, husky voice and playful spirit. What strikes me most about Will is that his type of love is old school- loyal, courageous, selfless and gentle. This tiny person is an emotional giant. Still, he is four. It’s easy to forget that sometimes since he asks for very little and gives so much.

I struggle with finding balance in life, I guess in almost every respect, but with regards to my children I worry about it the most. Hope’s personality lands her in the spotlight on most occasions so what about Will? Does he get what he needs? Does he know how much he is loved? I lay awake some nights wondering if he secretly longs for center stage. As I drift to sleep then I remind myself to show them the love in my heart and everything will be fine.

“I am yours, you are mine. Mommy loves you porcupine.” I whisper the line from one of our favorite books and the corners of his mouth turn upward as he smirks. His smile lights up a room, this child. His laughter lifts your spirit. Despite his good nature, he can be mischevious in a delightful curious-bordering-naughty way and you have to laugh. From the very beginning my mom said, “Will is his own man.” And that he is. He knows what he wants and how he feels. Simple as that.

Ever since he was a small child he’s been content with less. Typical of a second child, he is flexible and adjusts to change with a certain casualness that astounds me. For a time when he was small, I worked out of the home. He took it in stride. We’ve moved several times and he sees the good in what we have, not what we lost. How lucky I am that he goes with the flow, right? When I sit back and think of how understanding he has been with Hope’s transition my tears start to fall effortlessly. My heart aches.

When Hope transitioned Will lost his brother, the person who he counted on to “show him the ropes” about growing up as a boy. It was easy to look to his big brother for all the answers about what to do and how to do it. Within the span of one day that brother vanished and he was left with a sister. Where did that history go? This person looked the same, but almost everything about them was different. New name. New appearance. New sibling. Looking back I realize that I could have done more to prepare Will for the transition. I could have spent more time talking about what it means to have a sister. That it’s not so different from a brother if you think about it. But the names are all changed. Our language changes. It’s hard to know what to expect. There is a whole world of coulda-woulda-shoulda, but it is all hindsight.

I’ll always remember him sitting in therapy, reticent to speak. After a few moments he told us he missed his brother. Hope leaned in close and said “I am the same person Will.” She told him she loved him while she stared straight into his eyes. That gesture was all it took for Will to make his own transition of thought. From that moment on he never made a mistake about Hope’s new name, gender or pronoun. Never. I think if he wasn’t allowed to talk about his feelings back then he would have been stuck in that space of loss, unable to quite put his finger on what to do to make it better.

Some people say it’s easier because Will is so young he won’t remember his brother, but I hope that isn’t true. Rather than wish for something to be lost forever I hope that there is a greater understanding of where we all are on this journey. We aren’t hiding here. Nothing has to be perfect.

I’m sitting here writing while watching them play together beside the Christmas tree and I am inspired by their capacity to love. I am motivated by their generosity and their grace. And I am forever blessed with my two angels who bring the harmony that was always missing in my life.

Loving Tears

He said I was beautiful when I cried
I didn’t believe him
All that I saw in the mirror was a distorted face
with quivering lips and swollen eyes
That’s not what he saw
He saw beauty in my realness
an honesty and openness
and he felt love that I would let him in
by showing my vulnerability

But I wasn’t loving my tears
Inside, I wanted to hold them back

He told me I was very brave to cry
in the middle of a NYC Irish bar
but I didn’t feel brave at all
I felt weak and insecure
and felt my eyes about to burst
in front of him and everyone

and I wasn’t loving my tears in that moment
as they started to flow, and my cheeks were soaked
But he placed his gentle and loving hand on my shoulder
and told me it really was OK to cry
I didn’t have to hold back anything with him
I wanted to protest
but I could tell he didn’t seem to mind at all
me crying in the middle of a crowded room!

I looked into his loving eyes, and I could tell they weren’t lying
I let my tears flow even harder and I knew
sitting on a barstool in Manhattan
It really is OK to cry
and crying doesn’t mean I’m weak or ugly
I really am loving my tears.

Your Inner Skinny

By Joy Bauer

Published December 29th, 2009  (Paperback) William Morrow Cookbooks

It is ironic, I suppose, that as I read Joy Bauer’s newest diet book, I am assembling a lasagna, made with a recipe for sauce handed down to me from my stepfather’s Italian relatives.  It’s a recipe I typed out as a kid, on a Remington typewriter on lined, holey school paper.  I guess the holy part is right.  It is Christmas Eve, and this lasagna is my annual menu.

But Joy’s book contains recipes I could totally eat.  Things like a broccoli and cheese omelet, salads with skinny dressings, and sirloin.  The book has inspirational before and afters with great takeaways, like instead of trying to lose sixty, or one-hundred, or even two-hundred pounds — to focus on losing one pound.  Over and over.  I don’t think I have to lose weight — until I noticed my trainer’s abs today in dance!  Yup, I could drop five.

Joy’s book is good for diabetics, like me, and others with special concerns.  I’ve interviewed Joy before, and am charmed by her sweetness and energy.  Just do what she says — Release your old patterns, Relearn how to eat properly, Reshape by working out, and Reveal that awesome new body.

Not just yet.  My lasagna will come out of the oven tomorrow Christmas mid-day.  While my family enjoys the lasagna, I will slide out the pasta, and just eat the warm, lovely cheeses and sauce.    And the day after, I’ll start Joy’s plan.

Joyfully.

My regularly scheduled post has been interrupted for this important clip from CTV News. A couple of things:

• - the Supreme Court of Canada has chilled the “Libel Chill” that has existed in Canada for years. Reporters can now do important work without the constant threat of having their asses sued (so long as they do their jobs well)
• - my stress toy makes a cameo appearance. And a well-earned two seconds of fame, I might say.

http://watch.ctv.ca/news/ctv-national-news/dec-22/#clip249234

I have first-hand knowledge that there’s almost always someone doing something useful in the Toronto Star newsroom – making me wonder why the cameraman would choose to focus on me when I’m not doing a damn thing.

(or perhaps I should celebrate my nonproductiveness at that moment in time as a reasonable response to working hours a day in front of a computer terminal with mountains of information flowing by)

“Technology reduces the amount of time it takes to do any one task, but it also leads to an expansion of tasks that people are expected to do.”

- Juliet Schor

I’ve been watching my dogs try to adjust to the visiting puppy creating mayhem in the house. There is a little bit of growling, a lot of wary circling, no sleeping (because you have to watch every move the new puppy makes), little trust in her antics and a whole lot of basic upset.

This got me thinking about how I adapt to change. IF I adapt to change. I’d like to think I adapt well to change. I will warily circle around it until I figure out what it might mean and how the change will affect my business or personal life. Sometimes I don’t trust what’s happening until I do some investigating and, on occasion, there has been some pretty big upset.

My upset is usually short lived. It only lasts as long as it takes me to figure out WHY I am upset. After all, we are all wary of losing control and, many times, change represents some lose of control. The question you need to ask is- How do I regain control?

Not control in the – I MUST maintain control over every aspect of every piece of my life!!! sense. But the kind of control that allows you to make educated decisions, to focus on things you can influence and to make the best of what might feel like a tricky situation. Sometimes that is all you can ask for.

Adaptability and releasing control are things I have learned. They are wonderful skills and are easier for some to learn than others. I call them skills because you can learn them. These two skills have made a tremendous difference in situations that I would, at one time, have found intolerable. Now, I simply roll with the flow, find ways to do with what I have. I always presume something positive will develop.

I try to instill that same mindset with my clients.

1. You can become more adaptable and release control
2. You do need to work at it
3. Staying adaptable and flexible will always take awareness if it’s not part of your natural personality
4. It WILL get easier
5. It is SO VERY worth it!

Everything becomes just a bit easier when you allow the Universe to take some of the responsibility for running things smoothly.

Do you just give up and stop trying? Of course not. Take directed action, dot all of the I’s and cross all of the T’s, allow that it might not go exactly to plan and that is ok. There are far worse things that could happen than your plan going askew.

Realizing that an unscheduled change in my plans was not a disaster, rather simply a speed bump to be adapted to, allowed me a tremendous sense of freedom. Suddenly I didn’t have to worry about the tiniest detail, if there is only 1 color of Sharpie available for my speech I will certainly find a way to adapt.

If just the thought of relinquishing control and happily adapting to a change makes you shudder with dismay I encourage you to take another look. Maybe you could benefit from releasing a bit of control? I know I did.

In Love With A Vulnerable Man or Woman

Can you accept your own vulnerability, or the vulnerability of another? In a society where men are taught to be courageous, and women are taught to be strong, to be vulnerable is so often seen as a ‘weakness”. It is no wonder so many men and women despise being vulnerable.

The ‘feeling” of vulnerability is so familiar to us all however. We describe such sensations as a feeling of being naked or raw, and it brings a new layer to vulnerability: FEAR.

Our physical body cannot hide these sensations. It may have a nervous tension that rises as soon as we feel vulnerable. Our heart can have a dull ache or it can beat rapidly. It can be hard to breathe. Tears may fall. Stomachs may quiver or feel slightly sick.

What are you aware of when you feel you are vulnerable to someone or something? Do you think it is wrong to be vulnerable, or to show vulnerability to another?

So often we attach weakness and fear, to an emotion that is so very natural for us all. Growing up I was taught that I should never show my vulnerability, because people could use it against me or take advantage of me. I was told that others would see me as weak if I expressed my vulnerability in any way. My defense was to suppress it when ever I perceived myself as vulnerable at all costs, and so I became very good at putting up walls. I put up many walls, because I did feel vulnerable many times and with many people. No one would be privy to my weaknesses, ever, I felt very strongly about this.

I have since come to understand that equating vulnerability with weakness is nothing more than a belief. It was a belief I realized that limited me in many ways. It was a belief that just did not work for me in my life, and so I have released it. I am a vulnerable woman. I love a vulnerable man. I love my own vulnerability. Do you ?

Maybe our own vulnerability is more natural and occurs more often than we care to admit. Why do we try so hard to push back what our body so naturally shows us? I know that I was simply afraid to be vulnerable, but I am not afraid anymore.

We feel vulnerable when we are in love, so we vow not to fall in love too deep. We feel vulnerable when we miss someone, so we try to control them and not let them out of our sight. We feel vulnerable if we care for someone, so we try not to care too much.. We feel vulnerable if we want someone around, so we are often alone. We feel vulnerable when someone’s opinion matters, so we don’t speak what’s on on mind.

Does it make sense to feel weak or fearful when we are in love, if we miss someone, if we care for someone,, if we want someone around, if someone’s opinion matters?

What if being vulnerable meant you were really courageous? What if being vulnerable meant you were really strong?

I know I am a strong and courageous woman.

Can you accept YOUR vulnerability?

The Moral Absolutists and Moral Relativists have both managed to get it wrong. On the one hand, there is no one unyielding truth. No unequivocal right or wrong based, ultimately, on some political, social or authoritarian structure.

On the other hand, the fact that some acts are labeled as wrong across cultures, across societies, across time, tells us that at some primal level, there is recognition of something that could be labeled as “sin”. It can, without judgment, be best described as: When you no longer understand that the person standing in front of you is human. And in being human like you, they suffer the same fears, the same hurt, the same hunger as you.

In forgetting this simple idea, the sinner loses some part of what makes him human too.

The one point of agreement between the two camps is that not all sins merit the same levels of condemnation. There can be great evils and then there are the evils of a lesser degree.

In this series of recent stories, the grim irony of the holy man telling his flock to sin, but to sin carefully, ranks in the measure of humanity, as the least sinful of all.

City of Miami to Julia Tuttle Squatters: If You Are Not a Molester, You Gotsta Go!

Police in Miami, Florida have been forcing those convicted of sex crimes to live as squatters under the Julia Tuttle Freeway after their release from prison. The growing number of laws across the country restricting where sex offenders live make it difficult, if not impossible, to house them.

The presence of a “city sanctioned” tent city created a draw for other, non-offending homeless. No surprises there. The homeless will tell you there is a degree of safety in numbers.

Yet somehow, beyond all comprehension, the morally bankrupt idea of forcing people to live as no better than cattle was compounded when police began ordering the non-sex offending homeless out of the squat. So, now the innocent poverty stricken are being treated worse than the people already being treated as less than cattle?

How to comprehend the mind-bending thought processes in play here?  From the police, to social services, to city administrators, to the justice system, each person in those systems turned their backs on the most basic of moral imperatives: treat human beings as if they possess humanity.

Phoenix Church Ordered to Stop Feeding the Homeless

The premise stripped down and laid bare: The application of zoning laws is more important than the fact that men, women and children are starving.

Yes, little old ladies might find it disconcerting to see bedraggled strangers wandering down the street in order to get at least one meal today. And the uptick in minor crimes is something to be concerned about. But these are manageable problems.

It comes back to the idea that if they keep sweeping this human dirt under the rug, the problem disappears. They have failed to realize this mere trickle is the leading edge of a landslide. Sometimes, there isn’t a rug big enough.

The wise and humane thing, the human thing to do is to find a way to accommodate the concerns of the homeowners and the mission of the church.

Fund boss made 7 billion in the panic

I’m not averse to money. Nor am I averse to people making money. But throughout history, there has always been an inverse proportion between wealth concentration and human suffering.

The tipping point measuring human benefit to human damage in our economic system has long passed. And in its waning, it echoes the arc of the twin cults of Self-Actualization and Individualism. These structures have served their purpose for this cycle in history. They have stopped functioning to benefit anyone. It is past time to move beyond them.

Like it or not: We will be forced to move back toward ideas of shared responsibility. Look at the news from across the globe, look at these stories. We are already moving, out of sheer necessity, back to a collective interdependence. We literally can’t afford to continue supporting people or systems that take food out the mouths of our children under the guise of free market ideals.

70% Of The Q3 GDP Growth Was Cash For Clunkers

Summary: The little White Lies of Statistics aren’t helping anyone.

This will most likely mean further stimuli will be considered necessary. A severe contraction of the GDP in future quarters could spook those meager few who now hold a majority of the wealth. And, right now, them that have the money are the only ones with the ability to move it through the economy.

The problem is, the wealthy are merely human. And, in that frailty, they share the same irrational fears as the rest of us, regardless of means. In the end, this does not bode well for those of us without access to those same means.

Priest advises congregation to shoplift

I am not a religious woman. But if it were in my power to deem him a Saint, I would gladly do so.

…when you’re dealing with disappointment when everyone else is celebrating.

Sometimes the year finishes all too soon, with goals incomplete, and disappointments scattered around you like the gift-wrapping after Christmas lunch.

If you’re familiar with my writing or speaking, you know I’m passionate about celebrating.  Reflecting on accomplishments and celebrating learning is incredibly valuable. It’s not always easy, and even more important at these times. I know many people who are completing 2009 with a sense of “Thank God this year is over! I don’t want to think about it again.”

It may have been a really, really tough year, so let’s have a look at what there is to celebrate… come with me on a journey of discovery. (It’s been a tough year for me, but the outcomes are amazing!)

Did you do something for the first time this year?
Did you meet someone new who opened your eyes to new ideas or opportunities?
Did you step outside your comfort zone?  What do you now do, or know, that was once outside of your reach?
Did you set a goal that scared you because it was ‘bigger than ever’?  How did you go?  Whether you reached it yet or not, what did you learn?
What do you now have, or what do you know as a result of tackling this goal?
How did you handle the challenges that came up this year?  (Never mind if it wasn’t as well as you would’ve liked, but did you handle things better than a previous time)

What would the most encouraging, sincere friend be saying to you if you discussed the above with them?

It’s so important to find opportunities to give yourself a pat on the back.  It increases your awareness, expands your creativity and your confidence, and can even increase your energy – how useful is that at this time of year!
If you keep noticing the things you aren’t so proud of, acknowledge them and put them aside… you might need to remind yourself that it’s time to silence the inner critic and see what else is there that the critic has been ignoring.

Personally, I’m really looking forward to a week to reflect on this year, which feels a bit of a haze at the moment as I’m more fatigued than I’ve been for a long time, so I’m going to start by going through my calendar month by month, noting the events.
I know I will realise that I’ve traveled extensively, met amazing people each time that I am grateful to have connected with. Some have been dear friends for a long time, some are new connections.
I know I will find many new experiences, and moments where I jumped out of the comfort zone which resulted in great learning and more opportunities.
I know I’ll find moments where I surprised myself, and insights that will jump off the pages and excite and inspire me.
I know I’ll be grateful for each coaching journey I’ve taken with clients and in awe of the difference it’s made for them.  Actually reading their testimonials speaks volumes to me…

Are you seeing how this could look for you?

What will you do to celebrate your accomplishments – and the fact that you’ve arrived at the end of this year? See yourself crossing the finish line… You made it!!! Well done! Start with the simple things – pen and paper – and go for it!!!

Now go and have a real celebration, no need to put a smile on – the happiness and confidence will come from the inside out!

Cheering you on,
Kerrie

PS.  Please leave a comment with your thoughts, especially if you’d like to be notified when I actually do my list (I know it’s going to take a while!) – I’m happy to share some of it with anyone who would find it useful to see an example.

“I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart”

Anne Frank

Wishin’ and Hopin’

By Wally Lamb

Published November 10, 2009 (Hardcover) Harper

It feels like a zillion years since Wally Lamb and I talked.  It was just two days ago, and yes, I had promised when I reviewed the book, that I would report back to you on our conversation.

You can listen in, too, if that’s your preference.  Wally and I had a great time. And, if you’re a writer, this was a very writerly-conversation.  Wally says normally it takes him a really long time to write a book.  Like nine years.  That makes sense when you consider the depth and weight of his tomes – I Know This Much Is True and She’s Come Undone.

Wally says this sweet little number, Wishin’ and Hopin’, took him all of four months.  The spark for this rare departure from his usual novels…?  His editor at Harper suggested he write a Christmas book. Not his favorite suggestion!  However, the oddest thing happened — a friend of his – out of the blue – asked him about writing a Christmas book.  Wally’s the kind of guy who is open and aware — so he make the leap…

Back to 1964.

He poked around YouTube.  Everything is there – he watched the grainy black and white news coverage of life-changing events – the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the British invasion aka The Beatles, the civil rights battle.   The ten-year old kid in the book is about fifty-percent Wally.  Felix is more “rascally.”  Both have two older sisters.

Wally says he just finished book tour, which was so much fun – people “laughing like crazy.”  His next book, however, reverts back to the deep, long efforts.

Wally and I talked about what writing does for him.  In my favorite part of our interview, Wally said that when he takes on a character, “I know things about life that I wouldn’t have known had I stayed within the confines of my life.”

I just love that!

Ugh, gratitude. I was reading a coaching newsletter the other day and the word “gratitude” leapt out at me. Haven’t we heard enough about gratitude? It’s the “Have a nice day” of the new millennium, a cliché that’s lost all meaning. The word’s been so overexposed that it’s become a mindless platitude.

However, when I dig a little deeper I have to acknowledge that the concept of gratitude, overused or not, has become more important than ever. When we consider what it takes to thrive in today’s world, gratitude is one of the powerhouse concepts that provide the foundation for living a rich and rewarding life. It’s the antidote to resentment and entitlement, serving as an “enough” valve in this environment where everyone around us seems to have something we don’t.

No matter how bad off we might think we are, there’s always something to be grateful for. My friend Ginnon has suffered from Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) for the last 25 years, she was diagnosed with it when she was 30 years old. In her youth she was an avid athlete and over the years she’s had to give up the sports she loved one by one. But when she talks about her arthritis what I hear about most often is the kids she sees in her doctor’s office who were struck young with Juvenile RA, and how lucky she is to have had 30 good years to enjoy the sports she loved.

Gratitude is a choice – we choose either the pleasure of appreciating what we have or the pain of longing for what we don’t have. And no matter how over-used the word gratitude may be, it’s what enables us to find the value in what’s before us and accept it as enough. Gratitude keeps us connected to the pleasure of our lives and helps us enjoy all that we have right here, right now.

***

What about you?  What are you grateful for, right now?

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power”.  President Abraham Lincoln

Seven Myths about effective leadership as related to credibility and believability

Myth #1- A leader’s personal and public life do not have to be consistent. This is an attempt to excuse bad behavior and character flaws. Credibility requires congruence and consistency in all areas of one’s life. Just reflect on how the Bill Clinton fiasco brought government to a halt and cost the President.  

Myth #2-Image is more important than character. We develop credibility when we believe that at the core of leadership is character. Credibility crumbles without trust and believability. We can pretend to be honest, genuine, and competent for a time, but the pressure of making decisions and standing-up for what is right reveals our true values and principles. Action and results speak louder than image and charisma. Think about Obama’s promises for Health Care Reform–”I want single payer and I don’t want people who can’t afford insurance to be mandated to buy it.”

Myth # 3-Leadership provides absolute power through the position.  Position provides the potential for influence not absolute power. So leaders must be smart in the ways they use the power bestowed on them. Effective leadership includes input into decisions and uses influence to persuade others to join their cause.

Myth #4 – Leaders are more powerful and have more rights than followers. Position does grant special privileges and leaders must understand how to use power to meet the needs of the people in the organization or community. Leaders and followers need to operate on the principle of equity and consensus. Once a leader is in a powerful position they need to be responsible and accountable to those who supported them. Servant leaders make personal sacrifices to serve others. They are selfless and authentic not arrogant and authoritarian  

Myth #5- A leader can lead by position regardless of  their example. A credible leader leads by example, not by the power of position. A leader who does not “ walk the talk” by his  example and actions will see followers peel off in their support.

Myth #6-Charisma is fundamental to leadership. This erroneous view can lead to broken expectations and hero-worship. Charisma is good to have as a leader because effective communication is so important in influencing others but it is not sufficient. Results and expectations fulfilled is what followers want.

Myth # 7 – Honesty and integrity isn’t essential to be a successful leader. If we define success in terms of money, position, or power, than honesty and integrity are not t necessary. Yet true and effective leadership and success is living in concert with espoused values and principles. This requires action and results that match espoused values and principles. Think of the public  image of honesty and integrity that Tiger Woods crafted over the years as a leader in the professional golf world. And now we know how this image was not consistent in his private life.

Resolve To Resolve: Begin With The End In Mind

I frequently have this nagging feeling that I am not doing what I’m supposed to do, I am not who I’m supposed to be, or I am getting nowhere. In a nutshell, I have this sense of dissatisfaction with my life. Perhaps this is a feeling you can relate to: wondering if life can get better than this?

Many Christmases and New Years have come and gone. Like many people, I make New Year’s resolutions. But I made most of these resolutions based on the one little piece of the puzzle with which I was dissatisfied. I made these resolutions without linking this piece of the puzzle to the big picture of the entire puzzle.

As a Sojourner travelling on my life journey, I am really on the journey of becoming who I am created to be. My God who created me is like an artist. Before he puts his hands to creating a work of art, he has a design in mind. My search for life direction and satisfaction, then, is not primarily about searching for my passion and satisfaction, although they are part of the picture. Instead, it is about searching and understanding God’s design for me. When I understand God’s design for me, I know my destination and I can begin with the end in mind. This kind of resolving is similar to landing an airplane with precision at the destination. Flying an airplane up into the air is simple; touching down and landing with precision is a different matter.

As a young adult, I have made career choices without the end in mind, without much self-knowledge, and without much coaching from my parents or other adults. Those career positions, though they taught me many important skills and lessons, were a mismatch for my design.

In my mid-adult years, I had to stay home to raise children. Though it was a path I did not choose but accepted, I discovered my design through my parenting experience.

Now as an Empty Nester, I am once again on a journey of discovering my design. This time when I make resolutions for the year 2010, I would like to begin with the end in mind. I would like to make resolutions with a clear knowledge of God’s design for me: my values and my natural strengths. Values are what motivate me and give me satisfaction regardless of circumstances; the ability to operate out of my natural strengths is what empowers and energizes me.

If you are to paint a picture of God’s design for you, what will that look like? How can you get a clear picture of your values and natural strengths?

No matter how much effort some people exert to improve on their behaviour, they tend to follow the same patterns over and over again. In relationships for instance, there are people who vow never to fall for the same type of person once they get out of a tumultuous relationship – only to find themselves in another relationship with the same person only this time with a different name, look or even gender. It’s not that this type of relationship is any better; it’s the familiarity which keeps drawing them back.

You may be one among the many who have read hundreds of how-to books, attended seminars or taken courses on self-improvement. You think you have done everything there is to equip you to forge lasting changes but in the end, you fall back and repeat the same dysfunctional patterns and wonder why you can’t just get out. It’s always such a struggle – and it can be deeply frustrating! Is there any hope for something better??

Yes there is. The reason why it has been a struggle for you is because you keep addressing behavioural issues on the conscious level. That is not what directs you to behave in a particular way nor does it help to channel your mind into believing new precepts and principle.  Our patterns of behaviour are controlled by the sub-conscious, which, when reprogrammed, can lead to the behavioural changes you are wishing to happen.

So How Does the Subconscious Mind Work?

The sub-conscious comprises the largest portion of our mind. It contains all the inputs we have learned and received throughout our lives. Information is stored there – the necessary pieces are put to use at a particular time when they are needed, while the rest lie dormant until a time when external forces trigger a recall.

The subconscious holds millions of thoughts that are grouped into clusters that form our beliefs, convictions, perceptions, mindsets and character traits. They make up the totality of what we are on the outside. Our mind is like an iceberg – the conscious part forms the tip of the iceberg, and it is what everyone around us sees and related with. The subconscious on the other hand, is the submerged portion of the iceberg, always hidden from view but basically supporting the whole visible portion. We never see the subconscious in action, but it is always the major factor that guides us through life and all that it holds for us.

Learned behaviour resides in the subconscious, and it doesn’t take much effort to get information from that memory bank when we need it.  Learning how to walk is an example of learned behaviour – we did learn how to walk when we were toddlers and the information process is stored in the subconscious. We don’t tell ourselves to put one foot in front of the other every time we stand up to walk – it’s something that flows freely from the subconscious because once learned, it will always be there. It is what controls our actions through repetition and practice.

And just as the subconscious controls the steps we take to walk, so does it control the steps we take as we travel the journey through life. And we don’t need to get stuck in patterns of repeated behaviour – we can implement change by reprogramming our subconscious mind to receive a new set of beliefs and precepts. Fresh inputs and new thoughts can allow the subconscious to direct us to the changes we want to happen. Here are some techniques and strategies that you can tap into your subconscious and reprogram it towards the changes you desire:

1. AFFIRMATION:  Affirmations are a set of positive, present tense statements you can use to reprogram your subconscious to focus on the positive aspects and do away with negative thinking. When the mind is trained to take on a constructive note, it inspires the subconscious to bring about positive actions and results. And by repeating these positive actions, you create new mind pathways and a better attitude towards life.
2. VISUALIZATION: When you visualize something, you create a concrete mental picture of something that otherwise is just a set of descriptive thoughts and words. By painting a mind picture of your aspirations and goals, you stimulate the subconscious into accepting these visualizations as reality. Your desires and actions follow suit and directs behaviour towards the goal. You stand more chances at attaining your aspirations through this – this is method top athletes use during competition. They visualize winning to push themselves towards the gold. If you can SEE it…you can ACHIEVE IT!!!
3. HYPNOSIS: Therapeutic exercises on the subconscious sometimes work at training your thoughts towards a new mindset. Hypnosis works by easing the mind into a state of relaxation and releasing its grip on old thoughts and memories. Once this release level has been achieved, the mind opens up to new thoughts and perceptions and processes them into your new realities.
4. SUBLIMINAL  AUDIOS:  Subliminal audio is equivalent to reading between the lines. We hear words or tones when someone speaks or sings, but we read something at a different level from the way words are chosen or put together or what tones are used when speaking or singing. Sublime sounds can reprogram the subconscious into a new way of thinking. This especially works during periods of rest or sleep when the mind does not resist the information it receives. The fully conscious mind has a natural tendency to process information as it receives them in the audible level; however in its restful state, it takes in both the audible and sublimal level which can reprogram it to new inputs. Why not program yourself stating in a positive fashion those things in which you want.  Create your own audios, in your own voice stating what YOU REALLY want.

Using these techniques can help remove the burden of repeated dysfunctional behaviour caused by a conscious level of reaction to external factors. When we are aware how the subconscious works, we can teach the mind to let go of the negative stuff it retains and open it to newer, fresher and more positive thoughts. That way, we step out of the vicious routine of dysfunctional behaviour and move along a path that leads to the fulfilment of our aspirations through positively reinforced behaviour patterns. Get ready for a positive 2010…it’s your time.  Heck…it’s MY TIME TOO!!!  Starting my audio tonight!  See you on the Positive Side!

Looking for a bit of inspiration?  Something to jumpstart the new you?  Check out my girl Shanel Cooper-Sykes.  She’s a bolt of lightning with a monthly tele-class that will kick-start your change efforts.

HUGS!