-

-

We tend to accept that people in authority must be right. It’s this assumption that Socrates wanted us to challenge by urging us to think logically about the nonsense they often come out with, rather than being struck dumb by their aura of importance and air of suave certainty. This six part series on philosophy is presented by popular British philosopher Alain de Botton, featuring six thinkers who have influenced history, and their ideas about the pursuit of the happy life.

Year: 2000

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371472/

-

Part 1: Socrates on Self-Confidence

-

Why do so many people go along with the crowd and fail to stand up for what they truly believe? Partly because they are too easily swayed by other people’s opinions and partly because they don’t know when to have confidence in their own.

RunTime: 25 min

-

[ Full Screen ]

-

Part 2: Epicurus on Happiness

-

British philosopher Alain De Botton discusses the personal implications of the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus (341-270BCE) who was no epicurean glutton or wanton consumerist, but an advocate of “friends, freedom and thought” as the path to happiness.

RunTime: 24 min

-

[ Full Screen ]

-

Part 3: Seneca on Anger

-

Roman philosopher Lucious Annaeus Seneca (4BCE-65CE), the most famous and popular philosopher of his day, took the subject of anger seriously enough to dedicate a whole book to the subject. Seneca refused to see anger as an irrational outburst over which we have no control. Instead he saw it as a philosophical problem and amenable to treatment by philosophical argument. He thought anger arose from certain rationally held ideas about the world, and the problem with these ideas is that they are far too optimistic. Certain things are a predictable feature of life, and to get angry about them is to have unrealistic expectations.

RunTime: 25 min

-

[ Full Screen ]

-

Part 4: Montaigne on Self-Esteem

-

Looks at the problem of self-esteem from the perspective of Michel de Montaigne (16th Century), the French philosopher who singled out three main reasons for feeling bad about oneself – sexual inadequecy, failure to live up to social norms, and intellectual inferiority – and then offered practical solutions for overcoming them.

RunTime: 25 min

-

[ Full Screen ]

-

Part 5:  Schopenhauer on Love

-

Alain De Botton surveys the 19th Century German thinker Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) who believed that love was the most important thing in life because of its powerful impulse towards ‘the will-to-life’.

RunTime: 24 min

-

[ Full Screen ]

-

Part 6: Nietzsche on Hardship

-

British philosopher Alain De Botton explores Friedrich Nietzsche’s (1844-1900) dictum that any worthwhile achievements in life come from the experience of overcoming hardship. For him, any existence that is too comfortable is worthless, as are the twin refugees of drink or religion.

RunTime: 24 min

-

[ Full Screen ]

-

Extended absence is ending today. When I’m here – when I am actively participating in my “recovery” – I do well. When I don’t, I flail. I am tired of flailing.

Yesterday I got on the scale and it was 354.4. And that simply will not do. I cannot spend the rest of my life at this weight. With a 3 before my weight. I truly do not know what is possible for me to accomplish but I damn well know I was in the 200s for a good part of my life (longer than I’d like) and that’s my goal. Nebulous as that is, it’s still a great goal for me.

I spent the day putting my house in order, literally and figuratively. I find that when I’m floundering, everything else around me in a similar state of disarray. I cleaned out my junk drawers. I found my bathroom counter again (dood…it was bad). I organized my dresser. I made life easier for me in the mornings. All of these are good things.

I came across some clothing items that don’t fit and I gave them a good look. Some I tossed. Some I designated as a “Spring” goal and they’re folded away and waiting for me. These items are completely realistic goals for Spring…and it would be lovely if they were a bit biggish by then. So…I’ll be checking back on the first day of Spring 2010 and let you know how that goes.

In the meantime, I’ve been thinking about the New Year and resolutions. And I cringe even typing that because I KNOW you’re all rolling your eyes at me –> the girl who cannot achieve a goal is thinking about resolutions? Srsly? I know. But it’s what I do. It’s the annual Self-Improvement Project.

This year, I think, I’m going to go about it a bit differently. I read a snippet in a magazine about The Happiness Project, and I am intrigued. I don’t know about you but I could do with a SERIOUS dose of happiness about now. So, I’m going to make it December’s goal to read up more on this and come up with my monthly resolutions/goals/aspirations. Oh, and I will resurrect my Scale Experiment for December. Of course, I just decided this right after I deleted that page. Impulse decision much?

Also on the docket for 2010 – better nutrition. I’ve decided that we’re going to purchase a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) share. I found our farm through through Local Harvest. Starting in Spring and going through early December next year, I’ll be picking up a box of produce from a local farm each week. This is from the farm’s website:

The average amount of produce received is slightly more than half a bushel. This is equivalent to a standard grocery bag. Here are some examples of what to expect:
* Typical Spring Vegetable Share: 1 Bunch of Radishes, 1 Bunch of Baby Beets, 1 Bunch of Green Onions, 1 Bunch of Baby Carrots, 2 Heads of Lettuce, 1 Bag of Spinach, 1 Bag of Buckwheat Sprouts
* Typical Summer Share: 2 Heads of Broccoli, 1 Bunch of Carrots, 3 Medium Zucchini, 1 Head of Garlic, 1 Head of Lettuce, 1 Bunch of Swiss Chard, 1 Bunch of Basil, 1 Pound of Green Beans
* Typical Fall Share: 4 Pounds of Potatoes, 2 Pounds of Winter Squash, 1 Bag of Spinach, 1 Bunch of Thyme, 8 Ounces of Cranberries, 1 Head of Cabbage, 2 Medium Onions

It’s a romantic idea for me now – local, fresh-tasting fruits, vegetables and herbs. Gorgeous greens and vibrant reds and and…other colors I’m sure. Now, my husband is dubious because I am not exactly a veggie girl. I mean, I like corn. And, to be honest, the list above is recognizable to me. I went through their weekly newsletters and found a few things I’ve never quite heard of before like…celeriac? But I’ve been experimenting with roasting vegetables lately and it’s gone very well. Then again, I imagine I could roast just about anything with a little olive oil and garlic and it would be edible. Doing this has helped me to conquer a serious phobia of cooked cauliflower and Brussels sprouts. And that gives me hope. So celeriac here I come!

So, yeah, that’s where my head’s at right now. There’s a lot more beneath the surface that I’m trying to take control of. Like the fact that I’m TRYING to find my zen for the next two weeks where I’ll be in the midst of a work project that’s high visibility and one that I’m not suitably trained for. It makes me vulnerable and that scares me. And…huh…that’s the first time I’ve been able to articulate my unease about it. So that’s got to be a positive step forward, right? And being scared/stressed leads me to make THE most unhealthy choices so I’m trying to spin it in my head a bit. It’s just a job. The people who will be evaluating me KNOW this is not my forte. They know I’m doing the best I can with little resources and training. And it will be fine. It’s not rocket science, and it’s not curing cancer. It. Will. Be. Fine.

It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.

And finally, I just want to say thank you for the few people who read this. I love you. And I know that it’s going to be a long process of ups and downs and pitfalls and setbacks (and…let’s start being more positive here) and successes and GOALS ACHIEVED.

Ok – so I now have my “about myself” page done and the blog set up. I am ready to go live with this stuff. I have exercised every day for 24 days and I still have to get in today’s exercise. My definition of ‘working’ out right now is to do 20 or more minutes of working out per day. I am trying to get in a hike of some sort most weeks and so far have done two. One was up Beacon Rock and I will update with a picture when I can. The second was up Maclay Trail in Forrest Park. Both of them went well but, for me, were pretty difficult. I have my partner, Robin, with me and he is 6ft 140 lbs so he just hops up the trail like a bunny rabbit. Annoying when I am out of breath but I appreciate the fact that he is patient and waits for me. It does feel good to get out and work my body. I think it just gets so easy to stay in the house and not move much. There is a mathematical principal about something in motion stays in motion and something that is inert stays inert. I was inert but I am trying to change that. It’s not easy – nobody should say it’s easy. It does feel good though. I just try to keep that in mind when what I really want to do is stay sitting on the couch.

Beacon Rock - 1st Hike of the Goal

This article is a continuation from my previous one entitled ‘The Sense of Self’ – so it is in regards to psychology and not to the actual device of the mobile phone or its ordinary usefulness.

In our times, it appears everyone has one, the mobile (I’m Australian) or cell phone. I have to laugh as, when at the time they first appeared in society, it appeared to me to be regarded as fashionable – to be ’seen’ to get out one’s mobile in a public place and talk to whoever was on the line. Later, when mobiles got cheaper, most people have got one.

They are handy and particularly useful when one is alone and requiring some aid or necessary contact. Many parents will not hesitate to get their children phones to ensure that they will be able to remain in contact wherever they are. People who drive have a mobile in case of car trouble. Tradespeople can keep in contact with their offices to make and keep appointments – the list goes on. There’s every reason to agree that the mobile is a useful and beneficial device; it assures that we can have contact at all times and like I said, especially in times of need.

You might call me old-fashioned but I barely use mine. The only times I do is when I’m answering a call, or contacting someone for some reason away from home. You see, I come from a time when all there existed was the landline and they were connected  by cables (no ‘hands free’ or conference calling). So I’ve got to say it amazes me that people, who might be sitting on their sofas, will immediately reach for their mobile phone and use that instead of their landline, even though the use of mobiles is more expensive than landline use. Indeed the mobile phone has become an extension of the hand for many these days.

Do you know or have you seen or met someone who appears addicted to mobile phone use? I’ve read articles where people have reported as ‘lost without their phone’ couldn’t function at the full speed that they have become used to. Phones are automatic – they provide immediate access – which, like I said above, is a good thing in some circumstances. But, like all things to do with human nature, the convenience of any device or luxury for that matter, may become a thing of dependency. So much dependency that, without that device or luxury, life is not the same, hardly ‘complete’.

If we could step back a moment from this odd idea! The mobile has only been in use in recent history, and for thousands of years there was no such thing, let alone a landline telephone. You might say that the mobile is here to stay, and an integral part of human society, it is entrenched in the way society functions today. But the mobile, I would argue, is still a device and something useful but it does not make it, will not ever make it, integrated as a part of the innate human psyche. It is a device only. But some cannot exist (they would say) without one. They cannot see themselves without the automatic availability of it. And I think it’s becoming a problem, psychologically speaking, in contemporary circles.

One circle of society that I feel it’s becoming a problem (in the way of psychological health) is in the world of the teen. Text messaging might be cheap, but if a teen has an addiction to sending and receiving texts, then the sense of self is affected. There’s a lot of ‘quantity’ before any quality here. For to receive text messages  – that may give the teenage personality a sense of being loved, valued and accepted –  one must also send text messages. Some very addicted teens go through much money each week just to pay for their mobile phone use. I have heard of one teen that will even steal money, or other family members’ phones, just to supply her ‘habit’.

The addiction syndrome comes from the ‘fix’ of being noticed or peripherally ‘valued’ by the person that has sent the text or voice call. For a short time, that person (whether teen or anyone) feels valued, and has an increase of the self-worth – that they feel that can only be supplied by others responding to, or sending them, calls and messages. They will spend much time texting back and forth and really saying little of anything, just to assure themselves that they are valued and wanted by the person(s) they are communicating with via phone. It can also give the appearance of being ‘popular’. And while all this is going on, and with the mobile so accessible, they will neglect the real reason why they have become addicted to this instant form of communication in the first place.

And so, in a world of the instant, of the ‘now’, how could this be good for society as a whole? I believe that such behaviour of seeing to have what is desired ‘now’ will only create a world of people who will, through conveniences, be them to lack patience and tolerance with others and with circumstances that are not so instant, that are not so accessible.

Patience and tolerance, I say, in this society of growing population, are two of the more needed virtues. But if a person’s thinking is wired to imparting and receiving in the ‘immediate’, then it can hardly make for a world that is patient for the good things of living to manifest, for life to evolve and unfold more naturally in the human psyche, and for it to be in a good state of health. And I think it is important at this time in human history that there is more self-awareness in individuals, more need for a teaching of psychology in schools (for eg) and more appreciation for the lasting things of value, rather than the self-gratifications that come from any addictive forms.

Driving and Texting

There is one very dangerous misuse of the mobile phone that I wish to mention: that is, the use of the phone whilst driving.

Recently I read an article where a girl was lamenting, with great sorrow, the death of her sister in a car accident. Her sister had been text messaging about an item of clothing, nothing much really, and something (in sad hindsight) that could have waited until the girl was no longer behind the wheel of a vehicle.

Alas, I quite often see people talking on the mobile whilst driving in the knowledge that this is against the law. The law has changed only recently in Australia and now there are stiffer penalties for mobile phone use while driving. So, if a mobile voice call takes away from a driver’s concentration, how much more concentration is required to do a text message, how much more time is taken eyes-from-the-road ahead? The girl in the story in my previous paragraph ended being killed because of text messaging behind the wheel of her car.

An accident waiting to happen...?

But, and this is the saddest thing, while we have responsibility as drivers to make sure we get to and from our destinations in safety, it is also our responsibility to drive for the safety of all other road users (speeders, tail-gaiters, and people who don’t use their indicators can also take note!) and all pedestrians. It only takes a moment to collide with another car or a pedestrian, for a car is a potential killing machine on wheels.

I would like to relate what an acquaintance of mine does every time her mobile phone rings while she’s driving (and who says we should always obey that ring when it rings when there is such thing as voice-mail?) She finds a place to pull over and park. Then she will use her phone. I think that, for some, it is all too easy to give into the temptation of answering that demanding ring tone. But, if one has a ‘policy’ of pulling over, without exception, making it a personal ‘rule’ of safety, then one just might spare a tragedy – the terrible tragedies that people have to live with, from the consequences of selfish and thoughtless behaviour, for the rest of their lives.

So…just how important is it?

And for those who cannot live without the mobile phone, you could ask yourself, how that phone makes you feel? Is it a useful device that keeps you in contact for good reasons, or has it become and extension of your personality, so much so that to be without it is like being without part of your personal self-worth? It’s something to think about.

This article was written on the 29th of Nov 09 and has a mirror site at Blogger.

The POWEr of Women United!

“Make every connection a POWErful one!”    Tina Dezsi

“Moving out of your comfort zone is a gift to yourself, you will be surprised are how much people are willing to help you on your journey. Gifts will come to you when you share your gifts.”      Irene Anderson

I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it….be yourself….smile and stand up and be noticed.                               Denise Franklin

“It’s not how much you can tell others what you know, it’s how well you can inspire others to learn, what you know!”                                    Marianne Ford

“Mistakes and failures are a form of paid tuition into the entrepreneurial school of experience.”          Lianne Harris Raccipino

“Live your dreams, and contribute to the world”   Darcelle Runciman

“Just trust in being your authentic self, you really are a gift”!     Deborah Van Pelt

“Life is easier when we listen at the whisper, rather than the scream”

“Have courage to live a life that is more important than all the difficulties our fear has created in our minds. Real life is more important than fear.”     Rose-Anne Kumpunen

“Life is easier when we listen at the whisper, rather than the scream”   Stefanie Antunes

“Everthing that happens to us is as a result of our doing and our being”    Linda Cattelan

“Budget for your skill development and your ROI will be ten-fold.”    Azure Campbell

“The image you present is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself!”  Amanda Willett

“We are not the best puppets, some like strings to guide them..we seem to get tangled up in them!”   Tracy Donnelly

“You can’t plant seeds before you go to bed and expect to see flowers in the morning.”   Carla Segato

“Control your mind and you control your world-Your Mind Matters!”  Cori McClusker

“Do whatever it takes …and then some!”  Marlene Marco

“Don’t be fooled into believing motivation comes from others, one can inspire you, however you must motivate yourself from within! Trust Yourself and Live Loudly!”     Tina Dezsi

Let the POWEr Of Women United Inspire you to live your dreams!

Welcome to my first book review, unsolicited by the author, my cousin through marriage, Nicole Barker.  What Mrs. Barker did ask me to do, as a Licensed Social Worker who works with teenage girls, was to see if the book could be used within my practice and whether or not, in my opinion, my clients would like to read the book.  I read the book and was inspired to write a review.   I have read none of the other reviews about Dancing with Ana.  Since I really don’t know how this is done, I wanted to be able to formulate my own opinion and offer it here, free of the bias of others.  There were things I really liked about this book, and things that as a social worker I didn’t.  The rub is I’m a little out of touch.  I don’t have children of my own, and the ones I do work with have deep end psychiatric and behavioral issues. Many of those issues are addressed in Mrs. Barker’s debut work of fiction, Dancing with Ana.

Dancing with Ana is about the life of Beth Baxter, a 16-year-old female from Florida who has what is presumed to be a fairly average middle-class life until her father abandons the family.  She is supported by her mother, younger brother, and three close friends, all of whom cope with life in a variety of ways.  Beth has none of the early warning signs of any sort of “troubled teenager.”  She was raised in a faith-based home, has plenty of activities, nobody does drugs, etc.  Her friends are fairly representative of the microcosm of society.  Melanie appears to have it all together, Rachel comes from a dysfunctional home and flirts with danger in her own way, and Jenny seems to float and follow.  Themes of young love, identity formation, and peer pressure abound.

The book itself is attention grabbing and the plot runs smoothly.  It has received great reviews from its target audience, the young readers who previewed it in pre-production stages.  It took me two nights to read it, only because life interfered.  As an adult I liked the throwbacks to my childhood, such as the Grateful Dead music and T-shirt that could easily be found in mom’s drawer or a trend shop.  Body image is an age-old struggle for young women, one that is more intense than ever in this media age complicated by the Internet.  It’s just not enough anymore to be healthy, affluent, smart and ridiculously athletic.

My critiques are relatively minor in comparison to the strength of the message of the book.  The strength of the message of this book is that everyone has problems, even if you’re leading a middle to upper-middle class life with perfect hair and wardrobe.   Have concern that my clientele may balk at the lack of diversity in the book.  They may on first glance see only that Melanie is “half white” and Rachel is “so white trash she has to cut to cope.” 

Mrs. Barker does an amazing job with the development of Beth, the main character.  Most of the supporting characters do just that and are likeable in their own right. This is certainly a book about girl power.  It concerns me, however, that Jeremy and Corey are a bit too perfect and Beth’s father is a bit too dastardly.  I further felt that Rachel’s dangerous coping skill of cutting was abandoned all too quickly and conveniently once her luck turned around.  In my experience* this is not an accurate portrayal and a widely misunderstood affliction by both the adolescents who suffer from it and the people who are close to them.  To portray the message that some good support will “cure them” could be an inaccurate message to send. Not to mention the author potentially cuts herself off from what could be an awesome plot device for a second book.  Rachel was definitely my favorite character of the supporting three!

Overall this was a great book.  I ran an eating disorders group a couple of weeks ago (unfortunately before the book came out) and the girls were able to relate to feeling fat in the presence of others, and feeling like it was ok to “do anything” to lose 10 pounds.  Most of them were far more willing to restrict calories than exercise more, and few saw the inherent dangers to their health, both mentally and physically.  I certainly plan to order a few more copies of the book to make available to anyone who chooses to read them, and suggest that parents read the book to see what their children are up against, and to use it as a springboard and backdoor for discussing important topics with their children.  I will certainly use excerpts from the book in the groups. 

As an aside, the book also highlighted teenage drinking, which I didn’t really get into in this review.  I certainly hope that Mrs. Barker will writer about this theme with the same clarity and honesty that she wrote about eating disorders in Dancing with Ana.  The same attention and detail would be a boon to the topic of cutting, a topic that parents tell me over and over they just cannot understand, and wish they could.  The current material out there is too clinical for the majority of those in need of understanding.  Books like this on these topics, written so that parents and daughters could read and discuss together would certainly be a gift and a treasure.

Here’s a thought…What a perfect holiday gift for a special girl or mom of a girl in your life!

MUST READ: Some women keep writing about wanting to hear the words “I love you” more often. Others write complaining they hear it too much! Just how much is enough?

There are times when women’s emotionally-driven drama and antics really get on our nerves as men. There are also some things that appear to be dramatic because they are so irrational, but are in fact not dramatic at all, and things that you need to be aware of and address when necessary. This is some of the most important information ever presented in this newsletter, contains advice for both men and women, and if you miss part of it you can absolutely wreck your relationship with what you skipped over, so read this carefully and in its entirety and make sure you understand it. First, meet Tasha:

Hi David,

Can you tell me how to get my husband to stop being a needy little twerp? Every time his mouth opens, he says, “I love you.” It’s like a compulsion. He can’t end a discussion, enter or leave a room, or hang up the phone without saying it. It’s more like a greeting than a declaration of any kind of feeling. He’s coming across to me as saying it just to get me to say it back to him. It’s been happening for a month now, constantly since we went to my high school reunion (20 years) and I saw my high school boyfriend there (and his wife and pictures of their five children) and we talked for about 20 minutes and had a dance. He’s making me nuts!

Please help,
Tasha

Tasha’s problem was handled privately by a counseling session with her husband, in which I helped him realize that a 20-minute conversation to catch up on 20 years of absence and a dance, which didn’t even turn out to be a slow, intimate dance, was nothing to worry about, but do you see her primary complaint? Too many “I love you’s” equated to habit and insecurity, not an expression of love. Now for the other side of the coin, meet Carol:

Dear David,

I have read every newsletter you have ever written, and I have read your book as well and loved it. I had to learn to do many of the things in your book since I was taught a totally different way to handle relationships. I am sorry to say that I was one of these women that would let a man into her life and then totally turn it over to him to run because I wanted to be led. I learned that I was not letting them lead me, but was letting them run over me.
Now I see just how wrong and how dangerous it was to me and to my future to let men run my life.

The reason I am writing this letter is because I want to know something and I felt like you would be the one to help me answer this one.

I know that my boyfriend loves and wants to be with me and that I am the only one in his life, but I still like to hear it from time to time. I know that sounds like I may be needy or insecure, but I’m sure you know all women like to know that both parties in the relationship they are in have the same feelings. I am sorry if that is wrong but that is how I feel.

Thank you for you time,
Carol

My reply:

Hi Carol, and thanks for writing. I’m going to point out something to you here, something that I know you’ve read in past editions but may have missed the significance of, and then I’m going to clue you and everyone else in on why this is the way that it is and how men should handle it.

First, I want to caution you and all women, for reasons you will fully understand in a moment, that while the words “I love you” are good for an emotional rush, they should never be trusted in and of themselves, period. Your knowledge of whether a man or any other person loves you should come from their actions; a man, especially a predator, could put a bullet or a cudgel right between your eyes or open your throat from ear to ear while saying “I love you,” but no man can keep up the act that creates the illusion of love for very long at all if it is indeed just an act. It doesn’t take a lot of testing and there’s no need for suspicion; simply check that his normal actions say that he loves you before accepting the words. For instance…

Does he beat the hell out of you and then say, “I’m sorry, Sweetheart! I really love you!” If he does, he’s a lying sack of crap.

Does he drink up his paycheck, and when he tells you there’s no money for groceries that week, say, “but I love you and everything will be okay”? No, he doesn’t. He loves his bottle, not himself or you.

Does he work at his job, come home, and spend quality time with you (and the kids if you have them)? Does he make decisions that consider how they will affect you as a couple? Does he treat you with respect, as if he values your company and your input, instead of putting you down or even worse, whining about how he can’t live without you? If so, listen when this guy says he loves you, because he does. His actions prove it.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

Now to the hard part: Why is it that even the most secure women, those who live in a relationship in which it is blatantly self-evident from a man’s actions that he loves her deeply, constantly complain that they don’t hear “I love you” enough?

Guys, I have to admit that this evaded me for a long time, and it wasn’t until I learned how women communicate and about their socially-oriented nature that it made sense to me, and most of them are unaware of it as well. You should have seen their faces when I asked them about it; it was like a light coming on when it struck home for them. Ready?

Women need to hear this because they are biologically-driven to need to hear it, just like they need to hear a verbal commitment to a relationship after a couple of months of dating or they walk out on a perfectly good thing. It’s part of the emotionally-driving biological mechanism that distinguishes their behavior, especially their socially-oriented nature and their communications methods and infrastructure, from ours.

They need to hear the words when they already know we love them because they are born communicators and also because they need that little romantic/dramatic lift that it creates when it “seals the deal.” They also need to see that we can say it frequently enough without blurting it out every few minutes like some needy wuss who spouts it like a litany to hypnotize her into staying around. It’s like their need to share and emotionally milk their problems with their girlfriends; irrational, involuntary, and potentially self-destructive, but nonetheless a fact of life and a need that must be fulfilled, one way or another, by somebody.

Now, how much is enough? Or too much?

That depends on the woman, but generally speaking, no woman I’ve interviewed, when asked how she felt about the frequency with which her man said he loved her, who was satisfied said any more than once or twice a day (once every day or two was average), and for those who were dissatisfied, their men were at the extremes, either pestering or boring them to death with it nearly every time they spoke or going many days or even weeks without saying it at all.

Take heed here: You can say it too often, as well as not enough. Women bore easily, and with most things, less is more, but there has to be some, because none is unacceptable. If you have a healthy love relationship, there should be some intimate moment come along every day or two, or even twice a day sometimes, that makes you realize how much you love this woman. When that happens, that’s when it’s good to tell her, because during those intimate moments is when she’d really like to hear it. It helps feed the emotions that she’s feeling, and if it’s honest, it’s right. No act, no routine, no pressure – simply letting it come out when it’s genuinely on your mind is likely to be just right.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, let “I love you” become a habit. We all hear so many people closing telephone conversations with it, as if it is some ritual greeting, and that’s bad because it makes the experience so mundane and boring. If you’re with somebody who has to hear it every time your mouth is open, that’s a HUGE red flag, because it’s not the emotion of love that she (or he) is feeling; it’s that really ugly one: NEED, the kind that breeds and feeds dependence and insecurity, the leper’s bell of a scarcity mentality at work and a high-maintenance dependent looking for someone to depend on. And then you get to see the scarcity mentality’s really evil twin, entitlement mentality, up close and person as this person becomes more and more demanding. If that’s where you are, you’re in big trouble, and you need to do a serious evaluation of your relationship. And if you’re the one saying “I love you” too much as I’ve described, you need to be doing something to develop some self-esteem, fast, or you are never going to find happiness, even briefly.

Relationships are only complicated when you don’t know enough about how they work, and/or about each other. Learning about them and each other doesn’t have to be a matter of reading an encyclopedia of dry, technical, academically-oriented psychological theories and then trying to apply it without knowing whether the theories even hold water. I’ve seen those books, and if you’ve been looking for answers for your relationship, you’ve likely seen them as well.

They didn’t work for me, and indeed made things so much worse that I had to research and quite literally find enough answers to write a book to have the improvement I needed. If those books worked for you, you wouldn’t be looking here, either, would you?

There’s a better answer, written in plain conversational English, that contains solid, tested explanations of how relationships really work, how women really think and speak, and what they really want, with examples and advice, and the best part is two-fold: you can afford it, and you can do what you find within it. Interested?

It’s called “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and you can download it at http://www.makingherhappy.com and be reading it in the next few minutes. Go head, do it now, because while all the achievers are reading this book, getting answers and putting them to work to better their life, the losers are sitting around questioning whether it will work for them and going further and further down that unhappiest of all roads, relationship boredom and crisis.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Labels: Boredom, Communication, Handling Women’s Insecurities, How to Please a Woman, Red Flags, Romance, Self-Esteem, Sweeping Her Off Her Feet

not that I was morbidly obsese or something. but I was more than I wanted to be, which was one-twenty. and then, like all of my friends kept saying, those ceramic torture machines nailed down to my mouth made me stop eating for a couple of days, and now I’m one-sixteen with a leather jacket and boots on. pretty groovy, I guess. don’t know.

weight is something that, for thirteen and a half years, I never ever thought about, and then suddenly I was sort of worried that I weighed too much. I did not, however, worry enough to actually change anything. and now, somehow, I weigh less, which is okay with me.

 this post sounds stupid and petty and even somewhat eating disorderish, but it was on my mind, so out it came. in other news, my dress is still not here. it was mailed today, according to a paypal notice. from brooklyn. so it should be here by tuesday or wednesday? hope so.

currently listening – leather – tori amos.

Speaking of YES YOU CAN!  Here’s a short list to ponder over:

YES you can be sexy after sixty, after fifty, after forty (isn’t it refreshing to see it listed in reverse?)

YES you can wear your hair long (not in a rebellious way, but because it still CAN look pretty)

YES you can find another job if this one isn’t fulfilling you after forty, fifty or even sixty!  (No one retires anymore!)

YES you can have a life outside your children’s, have an opinion outside your husbands and have an identity all your own!

YES you can dance better than a 20 something.

YES you can run a marathon, or enter a triathlon or just do something for the very first time that challenges you!

YES you can stay in bed all morning and read a book.

YES you can have a girls night out without threatening your husband or your marriage.  You can even flirt if you want to (but NO you can’t do more than that – LOL)

YES you can treat yourself to a bra at Victoria’s Secret.

YES you can make an entrance because you have the confidence that comes with experience!

YES you can go without white sugar or starch until you no longer crave it.

YES you can do whatever the HELL you please … because you’re a woman over 40 and it’s TIME you did!

Acne has a new enemy. Sever acne causes not only embarrassment, but, for some, it can have long term affects on the self esteem and social behavior. The power of egg whites have been used in countless remedies for acne.

The Secrets How to Build Self Esteem In Just One Weekend

A recent study published in Psychological Science finds that for folks with low self esteem maxim positive self-affirmations actually lowered the self-esteem. Seem counter-intuitive at first, and Perunovic believe that for folks with low self-esteem the self-affirmation just makes them reflect on how untrue the contrived statement is, lowering the self-esteem. If a parent tells a child that that they are the most wonderful child in the world, they are likely to just role the eyes. Unrealistic praise is not as effective as more targeted and realistic praise. Other research shows that self-affirmation can be counterproductive in that it encourages acknowledgement bias in dismissing negative information about ourselves information threatening to the self-esteem. People recently exposed to affirming statements were more likely to rationalize away information that potentially had negative implications for the self-esteem.

Tags: self esteem long term

Much of what inspires me to write is from my observations of how people treat the other people in their lives.

These observations run the gamut, from the people in the intimate life of the individual, to the people on the outer peripherals, like for instance other road users, people who work in shops and service industries, or without the human element even involved, the way that individual might treat his/her environment. The latter could include the individual’s home or the society in which they live – and whether the individual sees themselves as an integral part of their environment or something that they feel more detached from. And example of this could be when they are habitual litterbugs, abusing that environment in some way, or when they care not for the safety of other road users by speeding – in fact, any of the ‘me first’ behaviours.

It has been my deep consideration that the sense of self, or put it another way, the self-esteem (or self worth), is the most neglected part of the human being. People go to a physician if the are sick, but, if habitually their behaviour is ‘not well’ or dysfunctional, the sense of self and the self’s ‘health’ and continued ‘well being’ will be the last thing some people will want to look at.

For it is hard to look at the self. Who wants to see all of one’s faults? In an extreme example, the narcissistic personality will blame all others for their faults ie., why they feel they are not successful. If they are getting criticised at work (for eg) they will blame the boss or their co-workers. If, in the narcissist, the elevated sense of self is criticised (brought to light) or attacked, they will look to anybody else to which to lay blame for their own faults.

Or take the example of the man who batters his wife. His sense of self is so dysfunctional that he will say in his own ’self defence’ “She made me do it!”. Of course, we know that we alone are responsible for our own actions. And if we are responsible for our own physical health, being a total human ‘unit’ like all others, then it follows that we are also responsible for our own emotional health, and that includes the caring and self-nurturing of one’s own self esteem.

It is difficult, however, to admit to faults. For we know that to the wrong sets of ears, to admit to faults could be like an admission of ‘I know I have a problem within myself’ (the admission being good) but to certain hearers it is a way for them to feel elevated, in their own esteem, to the person making the honest admission. I could go further by saying that a person who visits a psychologist’s office might be viewed by some people as automatically dysfunctional by the wanting to visit a ’shrink’! Whereas, the person seeing the psychologist is in a healthy state by seeing someone because of the acknowledgement that such help for their emotional well-being is good and beneficial.

So, there can be a great reluctance to admit to faults, and with that, a reluctance to seek help – from friends, family etc – and from professional sources. You could even say that in some circumstances, in some societies, that it’s ‘pride wars’. Take for instance a work place, or any place of competitiveness, any place where ‘image’ or how one makes an impression is regarded as desirable. In that situation, one cares for how one is perceived. But, even then, that perception can only be appreciated by the person trying to make or keep the impression. The results can only be gauged (by that individual) by how others in that person’s circle are responding to that person’s behaviour.

There are those that seek popularity, and there are some that more naturally draw others to them and popularity is more naturally a part of their way. I believe that this is only one type of personality – those that are naturally gregarious and in that may give out the vibes that each person in their sphere is special to them somehow. In their very gregarious and people-loving behaviour, they make each person feel valued. For that reason they remain popular. It is sad, however, when people seek popularity and their nature doesn’t (more) naturally have this people-loving/valuing trait.

I suppose what comes to mind is the person that seeks many contacts on the internet, posts many posts on their Facebook site (for eg) and expects his/her many contacts to pay attention to everything they say. However, because they do not have the natural (or aquired) behaviour of people-valuing, they expect many comments to their posts, but neglect to reciprocate. And while they see people posting to their comments it will make them feel good about themselves, give them a sense of esteem (as they are being noticed by others). But they are so intent on this needing to be noticed that they are not regarding other people with the same esteem.

I have thought it amazing that a person on such a social networking site can have as many (if not more) than 500 to 3000 + contacts (for eg) and yet the ones who have left comments to every word they post are but a handful! To me it says, ‘out of all those people there must be someone out there who’s going to make me feel good about myself’.

It seems like a dream, doesn’t it, to keep desiring this esteem, this attention, from others. It reminds me of someone who spends each day on the same beach with a metal detector, with a whole lot of other people with metal detectors on the same beach, hoping to turn over something buried in the sand. It’s a lot of hope for the sake of someone’s needy sense of self-worth.

And yet, these seeking ones, these ones that need so much to be valued and noticed by others, are not recognising the symptoms from their own behaviours. For what they are not seeing is that, within ourselves is soul (or spirit) that has more potential for the wholeness of the self than what they are giving themselves more credit for – if only they would come out of denial of those symptoms and begin the work of the pursuing of health of the emotional self. For some, going into the ‘inner self’ would take too much effort and they are lazy. (Especially with the internet and the great sea of humanity out there to be ‘fished’. )

And so, for some there is no desire to look inside to see honestly for themselves their dysfunction and to therefore come out of the denial about it. To them it’s like an assault to the personal pride. And, in a world full of people with the same needs, it’s seems a trend to seek, particulary via the internet in these contemporary times, whatever might be gained as a way of compensation for what the individual feels, but may not perceive, they lack within themselves.

I believe it is the human’s basic need to be loved and accepted. In the situations that life can bring, whether for good or for ill, that need remains. When, in favourable social circumstances (ie good friends/family conditions) that individual feels loved/nurtured, then the soul of that person flourishes.

In unfavourable/undesirable circumstances (ie when one finds themselves alone or in new social enviroments or suffers from a dysfunctional background) that need to be loved and accepted will manifest in dysfunctional behaviours that will merely prove to be stop gap, or band aid measures. The underlying problem, however, will remain.

The self will continue to suffer poor health, unless there is coming out of denial of what that dysfunctional behaviour is saying in its symptomatic manifest.

“When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.” Carl Jung

article written 29th Nov 09 and has a mirror at my blogger site.

If your life before the major change is not so hot, and you learn and grow from the change, then it is possible to emerge from the other side a better, stronger person………

If anyone has problems in their life they should strive to “end the world as they know it” and get a “new life as they know it”…..this can be achieved by furthering your education, pursuing a new career, changing negative habits, leaving a negative situation or simply changing attitudes that may be holding you back………

Yep….I do believe that the end of the world as we know it can be a positive thing………..

Yesterday after having spent more than six hours at a café with Green Fairy studying, drinking lot’s and lot’s of tea and talking, I had a lot of trouble winding down. So I ended up tagging along with Black Lotus, Cute Geek and a couple of their friends when they went out clubbing ^^

At the club I saw this really cute girl, but I was too scared to go up to her and say hi. After angsting about it for a while some guy started dancing with her and a while later I saw them making out

Just before we left Black Lotus literally dragged me up to her and made me say hi. She seemed nice too ^^ I just wish I’d had the guts to actually talk to her a bit earlier that night…

Chubbiness has been something i lived with for all my life. Even when I was young, I was constantly teased of being the chubby one. Both my parents are middle sized. My brother skinny as. Although most of the females on my father’s side have a slight weight issue.

I, however, have been battling with my weight ever since I knew what it meant. Eating was just something I liked to do. It was a very enjoyable process for me. And I lived for the food. They were my constant companion. Before I was seven, I was an average-sized kid. After I started primary school, I was introduced to this whole new world of junk food, soft drinks and ice-cream. And boy-oh-boy did I lap them up. My parents used to give us two ringgit to buy food at school, and that’s where all the fat came from.

I still remember my routine, I would buy a ‘Char Siew Pau’ (roasted pork bun) and a Grape Fanta from the canteen. The spare change would go to buying sweets from the tuck shop, such as chewing gum, mentos, sugus, and an assortment of chocolates.

Now looking back on it, the Grape Fanta and the high doses of sugar was probably the point of my downfall. I just kept gaining weight. Realization finally struck when we went back to my grandparent’s place for Christmas and my aunt teased me about being chubby. Being 10, it was quite a big blow. I had low self esteem and going into middle school, the weight just kept piling on.

I was a child, a teenager and self control was the last thing I had. When I saw food I liked, I stuffed them in my mouth. I am lucky I was an active kid, I played a lot of sports and the weight was piling on in small increments. That’s where the problem lies, when the weight tacks on in 1-2 kilos increment, you think “Yeah, that will come right off the next time I go for a run”. However before you know it you are overweight.

Being overweight made me very insecure. I was constantly trying to hide the bulging bits in baggy clothes. By doing that, I hid what I was afraid everyone would see, but also allowed myself to eat more because I didn’t realize I was getting fatter. It hurt every time the topic of weight came up. I tried to shy away from talking about it. Especially in high school when all the girls were trying to shorten their skirts for school, I was trying to pull them down to hide my ‘elephant thighs’. It seemed to me that no one understood.

My parents were supportive. They tried to remind me when I started eating junk food but it wasn’t until I started university that the self control finally kicked in and I stopped gaining weight. But I was already overweight and that did not help my confidence. I had the grades, the charisma, the friends, but I was not comfortable in my own skin. Anywhere I go I would slouch so as to hide my belly. It was not a posture that portrayed confidence it was one of defeat. I still remember in my early days of trying to loose weight the exercises that I would try and give up after a few days, the diet plans the guaranteed success, the low carb alternatives, and also the starving myself option. None came to fruition. I pretty much gave up after all those years and was ready to throw in the towel and admit that that’s how I was going to be all my life.

It’s harsh to be overweight when you are young. Afraid to go to the pool because the other kids will tease you. Running becomes a burden. Unable to wear beautiful clothing because of the limited sizes. And worst of all the lack of self esteem. These are not pressures that kids should face. I wonder how my childhood would have been different if I were not overweight?

“The Holidays” are now upon us, and it’s time to revisit the topic of buying the perfect gift for a woman so you can have time to get it right this year. Selecting the perfect gift for a woman is a difficult proposition at best, unless you have paid attention to her and come to know a few intimate details about her. Why? An excerpt from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” explains it…

“The Holidays” are here, as we say here in The States (indeed, Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it!), and unless you want to be standing in those mile-long lines in mid-December you’d better start thinking about and making arrangements for that perfect gift that you’re going to give your wife or girlfriend this year. And, by the way, the same rules apply for any other woman in your life, whether it’s your mother, sister, daughter, special coworker, vendor, customer, neighbor or whomever. The same rules apply, because they’re all either women or women-in-training (like your daughter! LOL!)

I’ve published this excerpt from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” several times (including a month ago, but I got a question today about how to do this, so some of you have missed it and some are too new to have seen it) and always received lots of positive feedback on it, so if you’ve not yet read it or tried it, do yourself and the women in your life a favor and do so now. Indeed, even if you have read it before, call it “a last-minute review” and read it again to make sure you have it down pat before embarking on this most difficult, crucial and rewarding of male quests.

Without further ado, the perfect gift for any woman is:

A Gift That You Know She’d Like Because You’ve Paid Attention to Her!

Women want to know that we think about them from time to time when they’re not around, and notice them when they are. Is that really too much to ask? To know her well enough to know her favorite flower, perfume, color, scent, time of year, activity, etc., things that give you serious guidance when it’s time to surprise her with a gift? Can you really say that it’s that difficult? You can know something as intimate and guarded as her dress size by simply looking in her closet and checking a few tags.

How would you feel if you were allergic to wool and a woman bought you a wool bathrobe? Or allergic to peanuts and a woman bought you a box of peanut brittle? Or you were tone deaf and a woman bought you a music box or a guitar? If you had a traumatic experience as a child, like being attacked and mauled by a dog, and a woman bought you something that reminded you of it, like a puppy, especially of the breed that attacked you?

Men do truly stupid and insensitive stuff like that all the time, but we seldom hear about it except during an explosion, at which time it may have happened too long ago for us to even remember it, things like hearing a woman say she’s going on a diet or a pair of pants is a little too tight and then buying her a box of candy or insisting on taking her to an expensive restaurant that violates her diet or causes her to have to face up to having grown beyond her favorite dress for such occasions, or even worse, inviting her to a day at the beach after “being told” (being signaled) that she’s needing to go on a diet.

Have you never noticed how when they buy us a gift, it’s always well-thought out? Even if they don’t know what to get us and end up getting us socks or a necktie, the socks or tie will match what we have perfectly, and be the right size. They pay attention to us, and try to make things nice for us when they can. If a woman’s favorite flower is a daisy, she’d rather receive a bunch of daisies picked from the side of the road or even a picture of a daisy that you drew and colored with crayons for her than a dozen roses – the generic gift that every man gives every woman and is so blasted impersonal these days that if fools like us didn’t buy them for women who didn’t want them, nobody would be buying them except for funerals. Indeed, there are occasions where roses are in fact deemed an attempt to appease a man’s own guilty conscience because they have become so impersonal.

Cost doesn’t matter; the gift is both a sign that you’ve been thinking about her and a measure of how much you’ve been thinking about her – it’s your life that she wants to share most, not your wallet (unless she’s a gold-digger – see the “How Much Is Enough?” issue from August 7, 2009 if you’ve not seen it). After all the crap they endure from us while we’re trying to learn how to get along with them and do what we’re supposed to do as men, we owe them the little extra effort that the daisies – or whatever is supremely personal for them — require.

Daisies, even when they are her favorite flower, are by no means the perfect gift either; indeed, if it can die and need to be disposed of, it’s probably a bad choice. Women get sentimentally attached to gifts. In some part of your home (or hers, if you aren’t living together) is probably a secret cache of all the notes, cards, and gifts that you ever gave her, every little thing that ever showed that you were really thinking about her.

When she’s feeling bad, including when she’s sulking after a fight, she’ll go to this secret treasure box and commune with all the mementos that make her feel good about herself and you. You’re actually doing both of you a huge favor when you give her things that while not extravagant, are tangible and lasting proof that you took the time to make her feel special – and small enough to fit in this treasure box!

This means that flowers, chocolates or other candies, pets, perfumes, and anything else that has a short life-cycle, while fun and temporarily exciting, in the long term will have to be disposed of, and she will find these things depressing, even traumatic as she has to separate them from her life, while the “sticky note” that you left on her mirror in the bathroom that simply says, “Can’t wait to see you tonight,” or something playful like “I’ll swap you a kiss for dinner when I get home,” (for you newbies, that remark will start a playful negotiation for intimacy later in the evening if you play it right when she says a kiss isn’t going to be enough to get dinner) will stay with her forever, and may indeed get you back into her good graces after you’ve made an ass of yourself and made her really mad as she digs through her treasure chest of memories and is reminded of all the reasons she keeps you around.

Before we wrap this section up, I need to make one thing perfectly clear: I AM NOT saying that you should never buy a nice gift for a woman. I know some of you tightwads are out there saying, “Cool! I can give her crayon drawings and take the money I would have used to buy her stuff and buy beer and hot rod parts!” No, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I’m saying that you should never use a gift to win her favor or approval, or because you feel guilty, or especially not to make her feel guilty (like buying an expensive gift to pressure her for something sexual) or for any other reason except either you think she’ll enjoy it or you will enjoy giving it to her, and when you do give her one, make it obvious that it is specifically for her, well thought out, and has something of you in it for her to relish as a keepsake, especially if it shows that you spent time to make it happen. There will be times when it will need to be expensive, at least to some degree, and if you follow the above rules, you’ll know when that is.

So you see, while holiday gifts should be a little out of the ordinary and may cost more than impromptu gifts, the expense of the gift is nowhere near as impressive, nor romantic, as the appropriateness and personal nature of the gift. Many couples do ask each other if there is anything in particular they were looking forward to as a holiday gift, and if you do, then of course, respond to expressed wishes, but also make sure that there is at least one gift that she’s not expecting, and that is particularly well thought-out, even if you have to enlist the help of your children or her girlfriends (threaten to put a curse on the house of anyone who divulges your secret and DO NOT enlist the help of anyone known to be indiscreet or whom you know to be competitive with your partner or you could find yourself in a trap!), figure out something very special that is so personal that when she sees it, it is obvious that you were thinking intensely and only of her.

(You can also do this with things she asks for, by putting that special little twist that makes something common that she wants special for her, either with the gift itself, or perhaps the packaging or delivery method of the gift, like presenting it to her in your sharpest-looking suit if she has remarked that she misses seeing you in one. Pay attention and use your imagination!)

For example, take a cue from this reader’s real-world situation:

I was discussing this issue with a consulting client (and friend – Hi Joe!), who said that his wife loves coffee, huge mugs to put it in so she can dress it up with flavorings, etc., loves New York City, loves a particular brand of chocolate, and wears a charm bracelet. From this, you can fashion a perfect intimate gift by finding a huge, artistically tasteful coffee mug with a New York City cityscape or something else peculiar to the town that would spark a fond memory for her (like a Yankees logo if the two of you had a romantic experience at a baseball game there), preferably in her favorite color if it’s available, filled with pieces of her favorite chocolate or a gift certificate for a purchase from the chocolatier (if she loves everything that Godiva, Ghirardeli, etc., make, as opposed to having one particular chocolate favorite), and hiding beneath the chocolate or gift certificate, a charm for her bracelet, again something that sparks a romantic memory of an intimate moment shared somewhere. Do you see how this all fits together?

The chocolate is obvious, but it’s short-term delight. To provide longevity, you have the coffee mug and the charm, both of which are related to something special to her, and which will spark romantic memories when she sees them. Everything involved is something personally chosen according to her passions. You see, one favorite aspect is good, but it’s still something that any other woman could receive. By combining all these aspects, ALL OF WHICH YOU CAN BET SHE WILL RECOGNIZE INSTANTLY, you make the entire gift uniquely personal, in spite of the fact that everything is mass-produced. Now, to top it off…

A small, hand-written note or card that says how much you’ve enjoyed having her in your life and how much you look forward to sharing more with her – NO PREPRINTED VERSE OR PROSE OF ANY KIND – includes a permanent piece of you in the mix, and gives her something to put in the treasure box. I have personally seen women burst into tears over simple gifts like this, simply because their man knew them well enough and cared enough about them to make the small effort that it takes to do it. All it takes is knowing your partner, which you should (and will be expected to do whether you have or not!) if you’ve been with her any time at all.

If she’s like Joe’s wife except that she doesn’t like chocolate so much, and her hands get cold when she drives, a nice pair of driving gloves – in the correct size and that match a scarf she wears, her handbag, favorite coat, or something significant like that – stuffed into the coffee mug is perfect. If she doesn’t do charm bracelets and charms, maybe a small coin run through one of those machines that converts it into an imprinted souvenir coin, or a ticket stub you saved from a concert or ball game there, even a subway pass to an event – anything to remind her of a very special time – or tickets to an upcoming event – to create a new special memory – will work.

Know your partner, and choose her gifts based on what you know. Know above all else that the idea behind a gift is to celebrate partnership and make her feel special, not to buy her favor. The idea is to show that you love and notice her, not to be needy or try to buy her, which are creepy and insulting to all but a gold-digger precisely because they imply that you think she is a gold-digger who would expect and respond to such a thing, and no good woman will put up with that for an instant!

Guys, I hope you found that excerpt helpful, and again, this advice pertains to all women – mother, daughters, sisters, friends, coworkers, boss — under all circumstances, not just your wife. I can’t say it any more plainly or with any more conviction. Over 100 women were brought together for the express purpose of teaching me what makes women tick, what they want from men, what they respond to involuntarily in men, and how to communicate effectively with them.

They did their job and did it well. “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” was constructed from that research, and those women put this book to their partners to test and refine everything we covered. Anything that worked for 90% or more of those couples is in the book, and less effective principles are being refined for updates or discussed in this newsletter as potentials to explore.

It worked for them, and it’s guaranteed to work for you. Download your copy right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com and join the many happy men and women who have brought their relationships back from boredom, affairs, and even divorce proceedings – some in under a week! — to be exciting, fun, sexy, and richly rewarding, often better than it had ever been, because life’s too short to spend it unhappy, bored, in fear of getting caught in an affair, or celibate.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Labels: cards and gifts, How to Please a Woman, Respecting Women, Romance, Self-Esteem, Sweeping Her Off Her Feet, What Women Want

One thing that keeps coming up in my life is that I don’t know how to take compliments. No, really. When somebody tells me I did something well, I usually start to show all the mistakes, or tell how it’s adequate but nowhere near perfect/what they were doing in the 16th century/some other reason why it’s not good.

Today, Conall and I went to the dojo, as they were doing more marketing. I love this dojo, really I do. Sometimes all the marketing they do to members frustrates me, though. Today’s marketing was for “Super Saver” for us to take double private lessons. We are already signed up for as much as we can afford, so the answer was going to be no. We knew that, Sensei knew that (told him so when he insisted I sign up for a slot), so everybody was on the same page.

Well, every so often I like to go girly. It surprises a lot of people when I do “girl up”, because the majority of the time they only see me in jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt/sweater. But, well, look at my life. Stay at home caretaker of my husband’s mother. Not too much opportunity to play dress up there. I’m pagan, so no church to go to once (or three times) a week and dress up for that. I get to play dress up for the SCA, but even that is usually simple tunic dresses and/or sideless surcoats on top of tunic dresses. The closest I get to “dress up” there is when I put on the head jewelry (I have a beautiful amethyst and quartz filet made by my heart sister, and a bronze circlet with some glass pearls dangling from it).

When I go to the dojo, I’m either in jeans and shirt or Gi. I mean, I’m going there to work out, I’m not going to be all dressed up.

Today, I felt like going girly. Yes, I still had jeans on, but my top was more dressy than I’ve worn to the dojo before, and instead of my hair being in a pony tail, I had my bangs combed forward, and my hair mostly loose, with the front stuff caught back out of my face with a silver barrett. Oh yeah, and I had some jewelry on (a white and red pearl necklace and earring set I made while back).

Conall and I walked into the dojo for our appointment, and Sensei J just about did a double take. He complimented my clothing, and then told me “wow, you are beautiful!” I just didn’t know what to say. He asked if I usually dress up, and I said no, just felt like it today. After telling me again that I looked really nice, we got down to business. He knew we’d say no, we knew we’d say no, so we did a lot of visiting that we can’t normally do around or during class time.

At the end of it all, as we were leaving, he complimented me again, and then said, “I know what it is that’s setting everything off so nice.” “What?” “The jewelry. The red and white pearls just make the whole thing.” I know I blushed. I mean … I made the jewelry he was complimenting so nicely, yanno?

I said thank you. At least I’ve learned how to just say thank you instead of saying there’s no way I can look beautiful or gorgeous or anything.

But I do have to say, it’s very hard for me to accept. For so much in my life, I’d been told how ugly I was because I was fat, that nobody would love me, that if I didn’t lose weight I’d have to settle for whomever was willing to look past my ugliness. To hear Sensei J tell me that I was beautiful …

I hope one day I will actually believe it when people tell me things like that. Until then, well, at least I’ve learned how to appear to graciously accept a compliment even when I don’t believe it.

Photo by VC Ferry

the belle of the ball
sea breeze spritzer in hand
quenches her thirst

for

a man on the rocks

teetering on hi-heels and hi-balls
her lipstick smears under caked mascara

she likes that look

likes to be looked at

likes to be looked after

the numbness feels good
like a warm blanket of snow
covering a gravel driveway

she is pitted against herself
neck and neck with her self pity
eyeballing the eye candy
and other women’s

husbands

she finds her comfort zone

the barbed wire veil
around her pillbox hat is lifted
from time to time
popping anti-

depressants like tic-tacs

blind folded
playing ‘pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey’

she wonders when she will be found out
she wonders when time will turn her in
she wonders if she’ll ever stop longing
long enough

to love who she is
and feel what she feels

she orders a double
to double

her pleasure
but it only doubles

her vision
and widens

the incision

between self love and self
mutilation
and the desire

for more

be careful
what you wish for

L. K. Thayer

All Rights Reserved

© 2009

Acne can be a devastating skin condition. Millions of people around the world suffer from acne, and it can really put a hold on life. People with acne, especially those dealing with severe acne, often lose the self confidence and self esteem and some are too ashamed to leave the house.Acne care is something that 80 per cent of individuals must deal with, at one time or another.

The Secrets How to Build Self Esteem In Just One Weekend

A recent study published in Psychological Science finds that for folks with low self esteem maxim positive self-affirmations actually lowered the self-esteem. Seem counter-intuitive at first, and Perunovic believe that for folks with low self-esteem the self-affirmation just makes them reflect on how untrue the contrived statement is, lowering the self-esteem. If a parent tells a child that that they are the most wonderful child in the world, they are likely to just role the eyes. Unrealistic praise is not as effective as more targeted and realistic praise. Other research shows that self-affirmation can be counterproductive in that it encourages acknowledgement bias in dismissing negative information about ourselves information threatening to the self-esteem. People recently exposed to affirming statements were more likely to rationalize away information that potentially had negative implications for the self-esteem. By ameliorating the threat, self-affirmations can elicit less effective reasoning strategies.

Tags: severe acne self esteem self confidence acne care

Self-esteem: a feeling of pride in oneselve

A lot of young females these days have little or no self-esteem at all. Sometimes I wonder is it because of their family life. Take for instance there is this girl who is a senior in one of my classes in school. Well this particular young lady do not speak at all. Seriously she doesn’t. She just smiles or frown. You know its serious when even the teacher complains she doesn’t speak to her. How can someone be willing to take a zero just because they have to speak probably one simple line. That really confuses me..

I once use to have low self-esteem about myself in middle school and the beginning of high school. When I walked into a place where I knew no one I felt so self conscious. I thought everyone was just looking at my flaws and thinking horrible thoughts in their heads. Over time I have grown and gained a lot of self-esteem. Now I walk into places and own it and I’m not cruel to judging people because I know how they feel. I once felt that way.

When someone with high self-esteem enters your life then everything changes. That’s what happened in my case. My cousin who is out of college and way older than I am is so confident with herself. Being around her one summer raised my self-esteem greatly. I realized that everyone has flaws so no one has a right to down another person. I embraced every imperfection I have. Now you can’t tell me nothing lol. I also realized that when you gain confidence and self-esteem about yourself other people will begin to recognize you. Back then I couldn’t find a boy that wanted to be with me and now I really have no problem in that area =)

Just take care of yourself and love yourself. Once you do that then people will do the same to you. If you can’t love yourself then it will be difficult to find someone who loves you for you. Self-esteem is something every female should have. Everyone is different and beautiful in their own way….FIND YOURS!

-Nina Love

Please read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 for context. Thank you.

Family system roles — assigned and designed to contain unresolved conflict and family secrets — add stress and anxiety to family interactions. This stress seems to be exacerbated during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. What may have remained dormant for much of the year now emerges to trigger memories of abusive behavior. To compound or add to the stress of interacting with families is the excessive use of alcohol and /or other mind altering substances.

Abuse of alcohol and other mind altering substances exacerbate the stress and anxiety of family interactions.

What may have been denied as a concern — a family member’s drinking and drugging — comes center stage as family members interact. What was meant to be a joyous time — during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years — instead becomes a chaotic, crazy-making and walking on eggs shells experience. As the family system roles interact — as family members interact — blame and shame are passed around like a “hot potato” because no one in the family knows how to talk, trust or feel.

Because of the three unspoken family rules — Don’t talk, Don’t trust and Don’t feel – family members are led to believe they have no other choice but to endure family interactions during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Because of the three unspoken family rules family member are left feeling isolated, alienated and confused. Because of the three unspoken family rules hope for family intimacy — during the holiday season — is thrashed on the rocks or denial, disappointment and disillusionment.

Because of the three unspoken family rules trust is thrust again and again on the rocks of denial, disappointment and disillusionment. Because of the three unspoken rules resentment and control drive family interactions. Because of the three unspoken family system rules family members do not know how to talk, trust or feel. For further explanation please read Traumatic Brain Injury and Vines.

The good news is that families do not have to suffer in silence. Although alcoholism and drug addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful family members can reach out for help. Isolation, alienation and confusion can be traded for hope. Each member of the family can attend Alanon and Alateen support group meetings. Alanon and Alateen meeting are for individuals who have been affected by another persons drinking or drugging — in a relative or friend. For support please read Traumatic Brain Injury and Support

The good news is that you no longer have to be alone to suffer in silence. The good news is that you can choose to reach out beyond your own best thinking. The good news is that you can reach out for help and people will reach out to you.

Receive more articles like this one simply by clicking on Subscribe to Second Chance to Live by email.

Subscribe to Second Chance to Live, Bookmark and Share Second Chance to Live with your friends through a Feed Reader

Subscribe in a reader

All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA