Welcome back for another installment in the continuing adventures of Big Time Hollywood Director Barry Sonnenfeld and Big Time Hollywood Actor Will Smith.

Today we find our heros in a meeting regarding the soundtrack of Men In Black 2.  It appears that Mr. Sonnenfeld wanted a catchy, clean track, but Big Will had other ideas.  Enjoy.

Will Smith: Goddamn, I work with you a lot.  What the hell is going on with that?  Can’t you make a movie without me in it?

Barry Sonnenfeld: You weren’t in either of my Addams Family movies.

WS: I think I would have made a good Lurch.  Why didn’t you give me a casting call, bitch?

BS: Well, that movie came out in 1991, and if I’m not mistaken, you were just getting started with the Fresh Prince back then, doing guest spots on Blossom.  Suffice it to say you weren’t on my radar at the time, but let’s not live in the past.

WS: That was some fun shit, going on Blossom, except that one girl…what was her name?

BS: You mean Blossom?

WS: Yeah.

BS: Mayim Bialik.

WS: How the fuck you remember a name like that?  Damn, who names their kid Mayim?  Jesus.  Man, did that girl know how to kill my high, always walking around with that big nose of hers…I swear that girl’s nose has hypnotic powers.  Is she going to be in this movie we’re making?

BS: As it stands now, no.

WS: Oh, thank god.  I don’t know if I could take it.  I swear, one more day spent looking at that beak and I’d…

BS: Will, as much as I love disparaging actresses I haven’t even thought about in five years, we’ve got business to take care of here.

WS: Right, right, business.  I see that you’ve learned your lesson.

BS: So you noticed the gold kugerrands on your way in?

WS: Damn right, and I appreciate that, but I’m off the kugerrands.  You know that the guy on them coins actually believed that the world was flat?  Please.  What a stupid fucking coin.

BS: Well, I hope you’ll take the coins as a sign of good faith that payment will be made.

WS: Right, Sonnenfeld, I know you good for it.  Not like that son of a bitch Robert Redford.  I did that movie about golfing, and I still haven’t seen a damn nickel.  You know what the worst part is?  When my moms asked me what I was working on, I had no idea what to tell her.  Some shit about golf and ghosts, that’s all I knew.

BS: I think it was about a war-scarred golfer learning to “find his swing” and live again.  But, look, Will, I asked you here to see if you’d be interested in recording a theme song for Men In Black 2.

WS: We makin’ another one?

BS: We just finished shooting.  It’s in post-production.

WS: That explains why I’ve spent so much time with Tony Shaloub lately.

BS: Yeah.  Will, look, if Tony tries to pitch you on Galaxy Quest 2, don’t go for it.  I’m telling you this as a friend: that project lacks direction.

WS: Wait, you’re telling me we didn’t just shoot Galaxy Quest 2?

BS: No, that was Men In Black 2.  But, let’s focus, we know that you have the King Midas touch for movie themes and we want you to work your magic for us again.

WS: Oh fuck naw.  Do you even remember what happened last time?

BS: As I recall, we had a number of creative differences, primarily about lyrical content.

WS: “Creative differences?”  Bitch, please.  You butchered my track.

BS: Will, I’m sorry you feel that way, but we both made compromises.  You reserved the right to make a song that told the story of the movie, and we reserved the right to not allow you to make a song that was entirely about “smacking around Selma Hayek’s titties.”  You have to understand that that was just not appropriate; it was supposed to be a family movie.

WS: Shit, what’s more family than smacking around a nice, healthy pair of titties?  How you think kids get born?

BS: Look, that’s neither here nor there.  We need a movie theme, you’re as good as it gets in that respect, and we’re willing to do almost anything it takes to get you on board.

WS: Can I make a song about Selma Hayek’s titties?

BS: That wouldn’t even make sense; she’s not even in the movie.

WS: Is there any other big-titty bitches in this flick?

BS: Lara Flynn Boyle isn’t what I would call busty, but I guess Rosario Dawson is pretty chesty.  Regardless, you can’t make the song about titties.  We’re willing to let you reveal the entire plot of our movie in your song, but there are certain things we can’t let you do.

WS: Fuck that shit, bitch.  Big Willy Smith is a fucking artist, and he won’t back down from anyone.  No goddamn corporate suit is going to stop Big Willy Smith from writing songs about his one true love: smacking around a couple of real nice, floppy, life-giving titties.

BS: Keep it clean, and we’ll pay you ten million dollars.

WS: I’m in.  But you’re still going to pay for me to record my song about Selma Hayek, regardless of whether or not it’s going to be in the film.  I’m going to put that shit on my next album.

BS: Fine.  Whatever.

سلما هايك بهمراه دخترش در حال خروج از هتلي در نيويورك سيتي

]]> http://thecjep.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/these-arent-people-theyre-animals/ Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:39:44 +0000 thecjep http://thecjep.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/these-arent-people-theyre-animals/

Warning: this post may induce indigestion, general discomfort, or medium-to-mild heart attack.  If there were such a thing, this post would have a high risk for literary herpes, ’cause let’s face it kids, my shit is contagious.

(Waves goodbye to readers. Hopes they enjoy their Google search of MacKenzie Phillips.  Also hopes they recognize I used salsa terms to describe the seriousness of heart attacks. You guessed it: America.) 

I’m sure whoever’s reading this (nobody) is just as shocked that I am, despite popular request and government mandate, that I’m posting again.  Just like when you throw up your favorite booze (Black Velvet fine Canadian whiskey for me), it takes some time to get over a Dilly post.  The first three things I could think of that would/did shock me less than the existence of this post are as follows:

1. That Selma Hayek’s breast milk cured swine flu. (Remember that – so good)

2. That Brooke Hogan has a penis. (This makes the name of Brute Hogan’s (sorry, Brooke) show “Brooke Knows Best” suddenly very appropriate.  It seems that the only thing Brooke knows best about is swinging between her legs)

3.  That Crispin Glover’s general, in-movie creepiness transferred to general, real-life creepiness.  Exhibit A:

This whole intro was just an excuse to show this video.  I can’t figure out if that was a good idea or a bad idea.

With the fall slowly engulfing us, the Dilly feels suddenly alive again, awoken from his end-of-summer hangover, running on full cylinders, making things happen.  The recent DeGeneration X-ing of caffeine from my diet has been the best idea since the Missouri Compromise.  Like quitting smoking, after the first 3 days (which sucks all the dicks) things sort of mellow out, and I’ve noticed my moods are much more regular (that is not a pooping reference).   Caffeine is a scary drug – and a drug (like most drugs), I will only consume with booze from now on.  Look into it kids, be better.

With the Dilly making power moves to having a better life (but certainly still a shitty person) –  now that he has more energy than one of those happy old men from the Viagra commercials (Viva!!) - he’s been able to devote a lot more time to wasting his life away.  It has been phenomenal.

If  you missed the first two season-5 episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, then you stink and I hate you.  Please know I will also be referring to people as “bozos” at least once a day from here on out.

Thanks FX for doing me a solid last Thursday and playing “The Nightman Cometh”  episode right after the new ep.  Thanks again for replaying both episodes immediately after.  I am not ashamed that I sat and watched both episodes twice (best 2 hours of my day) and laughed at the same jokes both times around.  In other words:

“We have been coming to the same party for years… and in no way is that depressing.”

That’s all for now folks.  I’ll be adding some CD reviews soon, so keep your eyes peeled and your mind open.  God Bless America.

]]> http://namibsands.wordpress.com/2009/08/09/movie-review-ask-the-dust/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:56:47 +0000 Reggie http://namibsands.wordpress.com/2009/08/09/movie-review-ask-the-dust/ http://newspix.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/%d8%b9%da%a9%d8%b3%d9%87%d8%a7%db%8c-%d8%ac%d8%af%db%8c%d8%af-%d8%b3%d9%84%d9%85%d8%a7-%d9%87%d8%a7%db%8c%da%a9-%d8%af%d8%b1-%d9%88%d8%b3%d8%aa-%d9%87%d8%a7%d9%84%db%8c%d9%88%d9%88%d8%af/ Fri, 17 Jul 2009 10:38:27 +0000 Beni http://newspix.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/%d8%b9%da%a9%d8%b3%d9%87%d8%a7%db%8c-%d8%ac%d8%af%db%8c%d8%af-%d8%b3%d9%84%d9%85%d8%a7-%d9%87%d8%a7%db%8c%da%a9-%d8%af%d8%b1-%d9%88%d8%b3%d8%aa-%d9%87%d8%a7%d9%84%db%8c%d9%88%d9%88%d8%af/

عکسهای جدید سلما هایک در وست هالیوود

]]> http://bsbingo.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/episode-18-arousing-adverts-disappearing-manners-and-why-even-joanna-lumley-should-fiddle-her-expenses/ Mon, 22 Jun 2009 22:00:44 +0000 bingotom http://bsbingo.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/episode-18-arousing-adverts-disappearing-manners-and-why-even-joanna-lumley-should-fiddle-her-expenses/

This month sees BSB leave no stone un-turned and no stop un-pulled-out, as we sprinkle our satirical fairy dust over everyone from Guy Ritchie to Hazel Blears to people who forget to wave at us as they drive past in their BMW X5.

Among numerous (well, OK, four) topics of conversation, we discuss the advertisements that have made us tingle with consumer excitement, including this one from Coca Cola.

This one from the, er, Coca Cola Corporation.

And this one from the Birds Eye Corporation.

Not to mention a comedy routine from the late, great Bill Hicks about – whadda ya know? – the Coca Cola Corporation.

In addition, we want you to tell us why good manners have become a thing of the past (or, if you’re not as avid a reader of the Daily Mail as Sean, why good manners are alive and well and haven’t gone away at all). In order to start the ball rolling, here’s a site we discovered that conclusively proves how no one gives a damn any more about priority seating on public transport:

peoplewhositinthedisabilityseatswhenimstandingonmycrutches.com

As a polite American waiter, waitress or bartender might say: Enjoy, and have a nice day!

As this outbreak of swine influenza virus appears to be a mutated strain of SIV that has mutated to a strain easily tranferred from human to human. Most strains of SIV aren’t capable of infecting humans, and those that are are not easily, if at all, transferred from human to human.

According to Dr. WHO (World Health Organization):

The Director-General has raised the level of influenza pandemic alert from the current phase 3 to phase 4. The change to a higher phase of pandemic alert indicates that the likelihood of a pandemic has increased, but not that a pandemic is inevitable.  As further information becomes available, WHO may decide to either revert to phase 3 or raise the level of alert to another phase.
This decision was based primarily on epidemiological data demonstrating human-to-human transmission and the ability of the virus to cause community-level outbreaks.

Given the widespread presence of the virus, the Director-General considered that containment of the outbreak is not feasible. The current focus should be on mitigation measures.

The Director-General recommended not to close borders and not to restrict international travel. It was considered prudent for people who are ill to delay international travel and for people developing symptoms following international travel to seek medical attention.

Below is an explanation of the Pandemic Phases of the WHO

As you can see we are but a phase from widespread human infection.

According to FoxNews.com in a report today the WHO has now raised the level to Phase 5 : “widespread human infection”, or as I like to refer to it, “the beginning of the end”.

Now, what that means to me is this:

1. We can’t contain this fucking virus. and millions upon millions worldwide will be infected and may will die from this.

C. It has the potential to mass infect people rapidly, and a pandemic is upon us.

There have been confirmed cases (98, not including more than 6,000 in Mexico) now in 6 countries, in 3 continents.

Confirmed cases in New Zealand, Scotland, Israel, Spain, Canada, and the U.S. add to the more than 6,000 suspected cases, 26 confirmed cases, and 20 confirmed deaths as a result found in the epicenter (Mexican officials blame near 160 deaths on the virus), Mexico.

The WHO (“who, who whooooo arrrrree you”) have urged not to stop international travel and for those with symptoms to seek medical assistance after international travel. If I’ve learned anything from Zed movies it’s this:  Zombies can’t swim! If we don’t let the soon-to-be-Zeds fly from country to country all willie nillie and whatnot then we can safely contain the rising zombie threat. Now however the virus is spreading and has now safely made it’s way to every major landmass except Australia. Now scientists around the world are working at a fever pitch to get a vaccine ready to stop the spreading pandimic.

I’m bored with this, I have no focus or drive in life I give up!

In unrelated news i got to see jessica beil’s tits, and selma hayek is still hot adn obama is still president!

~The Women Behind the Looks~

Blythe Harris — Chief Creative Officer for Stella & Dot

Forever the free spirit, Blythe has a love for color and design and a zest for life. A Stanford grad who dropped out  for one semester to backpack through Southeast Asia, Blythe also earned a grant to study with artisans in Ecuador and learned jewelry making and metal-smithing in the artist-colony of San Miguel de Allende. She has lived and worked with tribal artisans in India and she has held top positions at DeBeers in London, Cartier and Banana Republic Jewelry. Blythe studied fashion and accessories design at the prestigious Parsons School of Design in Paris and has an MBA from Columbia. www.stelladot.com/emarkland

Wendy Mink — Exclusive designs for Stella & Dot

Recently honored at the prestigious V&A Museum in London, this New York based deisgner combines aspects of eastern world jewelry with classic European design. Her line is offered in top retailers, sucha s Barneys and Bergdorf Goodman and has been featured in Vogue and Harpers Bazaar. Wendy works with a team of highly skilled Tibetan artisans who handcraft designs in their Tribeca design studio. www.wendyminkjewelry.com

Maya Brenner — Celebrity jewelry designer

Her designs have been coveted by celebs such as Madonna, Selma Hayek, Cindy Crawford, and Cameron Diaz (just to name a few) and her jewelry is sold at Fred Segal and Henri Bendel. Featured on Sex and the City, Friends, The Bachelor, American Idol & more, Maya’s designs are seen everywhere. But what does this style maven love more than dressing celebs? Dressing everyday women with her exclusive Stella & Dot designs! www.mayabrenner.com

Reap What You Sow (R)

When farmer Jeb Wilkins (Matthew McConaughey) is paid with seed for giving a ride to a sickly, Goth hitchhiker, he thinks nothing of it and tosses it in his garden.

Months later, pods grow where the seeds were dropped and open to unleash savage, blood-thirsty monsters. Jeb is forced to defend his farm from the invaders… by any means necessary.

Through a series of battles he (by chance) discovers their Achilles’ heel: milk. Only one drop can kill. And so begins a dangerous game of cat and mouse between farmer and monsters.

Possible scene #1: Jeb firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind a cow (lying on its side), Jeb is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Got milk, you lactose intolerant motherfu**ers?”

Sponsored by the Dairy Farmers of America

Reap What You Sow II: Fear the Banditos (R)

In an evil plot, seasonal Mexican labourers (Antonio Banderas, Benicio Del Toro and Selma Hayek) plant mysterious seeds all over Californian farms with the hope that the seed will sprout man-eating monsters that will depopulate the area, allowing them to claim the vacant land.

Plans go awry when the creatures become uncontrollable and turn on the Mexicans.

Possible scene #1: Del Toro firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Farmer running straight at the army of monsters and Mexicans, hurling a bucket of milk over them (in slow motion), shouting at the top of his voice: “GET THE HELL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!”

Possible scene #3: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind Selma Hayek (lying on her side), Banderas is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Leche conseguida, usted fu**ers de madre intolerantes a la lactosa?”

** perhaps the sequel can be in 3-D…

Not only was Nick Adenhart’s mother saying that but I feel like I was run over as well. My whole body is sore. 4 days in a row of intense lifting and running plus 2 nights of heavy drinking and who knew this would happen? As my site has just reached over 1,000 hits I would like to take this time to thank the commenters and daily visitors from the bottom of my heart. I would also like to thank any and all of my internet friends that have linked my website such as that fat whore. I would also like to thank Mark Cuban for thinking I was about to commit suicide and all those Twitter geeks that wanted to re-create a Demi Moore moment.

So today is a big day of college lacrosse for me, until the Yankees come on at 7:10PM. So, I figured I’d ge a post out there as soon as possible (NOT ASAP, faggots). My buddy DXG is having his birthday tonight and hopefully he’ll actually text me back and not be a douche bag like Poptart was last night. Guy really blew me and 3 of his friends off to hang out with his girlfriend, again. Fuck him.

Moving on, I know I made a Nick Adenhart joke two paragraphs up but I really do feel it is a tragedy so I apologize if it offended you. I’m a young dude. I’ll be 23 years old next month. I’m also a douche bag nobody with a website. If I died, no one would care. This kid seemed like a good dude and was about my age. I think I might even be older by a bit. But, they found his MURDERER. It was no accident. This dumb asshole ran away, probably because of priors. He is a prick and deserves to rot in prison. His blood alcohol level was estimated to be almost 3 times the legal limit. He is being charged with a triple murder, and rightfully so.

And after that story, this one seems like almost minuscule. To everyone but Lindsay Lohan. So that hot piece of ass Samantha Ronson must have a huge dick because she pulls some serious tail and I know it can’t be because of her dazzling charm or beautiful face. She must have the world’s largest dildo collection or a clit like a slug.

Crazy bitch and white devil look alike, Madonna might build a house in Malawi, Africa in the Chinkhota village. Nothing would joy my more than if Madonna and her shitty kids got AIDs and died because that’s the reason you take people from Africa! You don’t want them to ever know they lived there. Like here, the main causes in death are like being too fat and heart failure from being too fat… Over there, it’s like… Lions were hungry and got bitten by a killer beetle. That shit is FUCKED UP. Not to mention the horribly mutated AIDs virus that is killing whole villages like the fucking plague.

And it also looks to me as if Audrina Patridge got some facial surgery. I don’t really care. I’m all for chicks making themselves look hotter. My girlfriend in high school got a nose job. The only thing that was weird was after she didn’t look any different. Audrina looks hotter and her tits look bigger. Winner? Audrina. And this girl. At first, I thought she was a platypus but then under further investigation I realized she is an amazingly hot chick. I even learned her name. Rachel Sterling. Yep, that’s it. But those pics that WWTDD has up from the other day, she looks like a platypus.

Here is what is on TV this weekend. But in non-related news, Selma Hayek had a song written about her. Guess who wrote it. Think of a random ass midget. Now think purple. Yeah! Prince! But the whole reason to go over to that link is to see Selma Hayeks glorious warlocks. She is a serious hottie. All Spanish and what not. Yum. Could I get more random? Yes! Here are puppies acting out a WWI movie scene. It’s adorably knowledgeable!

Here are some picks from WL. And some power rankings. Those are usually a little funny and riddled with links if you want to check them out. If not, go blow yourself. I’ll fight you. I bet you fight like this guy. And this is golf. Do you care? And lastly, this link leads to a link with a poll between who would you rather sex up, Marisa Miller or Adriana Lima? In what must have been the greatest decision since the nuke of Hiroshima.

Now when you think of the the Dallas Cowboys, you normally think of a prestigious and winning environment. Lots of talent. Well, after last season… You kind of thought “Circus Act”. They had Tank Johnson, TO, Pacman Jones. They were about to explode. Now, after all three of those clowns have moved on to the Bengals, Bills and ? respectively… They are still a fucking circus act. Mark Colombo, Leonard Davis and Cory Proctor have started a Metal band. Yeah, a metal band. I don’t even know how to respond to that. It’s called Free Reign and they have a myspace. You know I’m friending them for sure.

Here’s a great Cat video. And here is a baby panda sneezing. The chubby panda looks fake. This is what is opening at the box office this weekend. I wish Hannah Montana would get naked or be funny or something that would allow me to go ot that show without being a pedophile. I think Miley is so sexy. She’s not 14 right? Well, Observe and Report has got to be the #1 show this weekend to see. It won’t make the most money because parents are going to be seeing Hannah Montana and dad’s will be awkwardly not letting their kids sit on his lap.Vince thinks Observe and Report wasn’t that good. Read his review, here.

Link Dump: Melanie and Nikki are VERY close friends (NSFW). Here is responses from fans over the Kanye West response to South Park. Some of them were ok, nothing like a FilmDrunk comment section though. Here’s is Vikki Blows in a collection of nakedness (NSFW). Here is Kitty Lea and she has E size boobies (NSFW)! Here is how to deal with a Heckler. The best one is where the guy gets hit in the face with a guitar. And here is how to deal with shitting your pants. Here’s Taylor Vixen (NSFW). Here’s Megan Mallone (NSFW). Jayden James (NSFW). Here is Angel Dark in a NSFW video. And lastly, Nikki Ryan (NSFW).

Alright, I’m out at least until tomorrow. Tonight is going to be bad news for my liver/lungs/kindeys and brain. Enjoy your lazy/rainy Saturday if your in the NYC area like me. And GO YANKEES!

When 30 Rock first aired I didn’t watch it.  There was this other show called Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip that I was in love with and I couldn’t see me watching two shows about putting on a live varity show.  And then I watched one – and not wanting to watch it – I just told my husband it was terrible.

“Why?”

“It just is!”

Which is code in our house for us disliking something to dislike it.  No real reasons.  So I gave it another shot.

Now, it’s three years later and Studio 60 is long gone and 30 Rock is going strong!  Now, I still adore Studio 60 – but 30 Rock is ridiculously funny!  From the guest appearance of Selma Hayek as Jack’s mom’s nurse turned girl friend, the constant flow of SNL‘rs stopping buy, Jenna and Tracy, Kenneth, Jack and Tina Fey herself – the show is just a riot.

“You can’t put orange Gatorade on salmon.”

“But the Italian lady from food network said you could!” (as stated by Liz’s hot doctor boyfriend played by John Hamm)

Their antics never let you down.  Hell, Frank’s hats ALONE should make you giggle episode from episode! 

“Ninja Expert,” “Record Breaker,” “Extra Sausage,” “Bahama Trapezoid” 

It’s just another layer of this funny onion of a show that airs on Thursdays nights @ 8:30p on NBC.  (but what other channel could they be on?  NBC IS at 30 Rockefeller)

If you haven’t seen it yet I say go to NBC and watch a few of the episodes on line – sadly – The Office and 30 Rock are NOT on tonight- but that just gives us time to get caught up on back episodes doesn’t it?

Well, that or I could go grocery shopping… but who needs food when you have TV?

عکسهای جدید سلما هایک در وست هالیوود

]]> http://monysdreams.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/the-freecreditreportcom-guy/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:55:57 +0000 monysdreams http://monysdreams.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/the-freecreditreportcom-guy/

So am I the only one that thinks that guy singing in the freecreditreport.com commericial is a cutie? I especially like the last 2-3 seconds of the reniansance fair one. Cute cute cute. I might have to add him to my list. What list?? oH, I’m so glad you asked. You probably have some version of the list too.

The list of men / women that if they knocked on your door and say something utterly unrealistic like, “Dude, your wife is so hot and beautiful, I think I want to whisk her away and make mad love to her for a while.” that you other half would just have to know that you were going. Catch is they have to be famous and truly far-fetched. I mean you don’t want to have your hunky neighbor on the list or the meter reader. LOL

Whose on my list?

Johnny Depp – Christian Slater – Josh Lucas (hottie in Sweet Home Alabama) – Ice Cube – Angelina Jolie – Selma Hayek – Grissom from CSI – Jason Momao (plays Ronon in Stargate Atlantis) – Kate Hudson.

I might add the cutie from the commercials

February 15, 2009 Selma Hayek

Stock Image

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