It once again has been a few days since I was last able to post. We have been having quite a bit of rain and that almost always increases my level of pain. Even now I’m finding it hard to find a comfortable position while posting.The dreaded fibro fog is ever-present and makes it very hard to focus….so I may ramble back and forth… but I hope the auto-proofreading program will save my backside…lol… we shall see.  So with all my down time I got bored of looking for faces in the plaster on the ceiling and started thinking about the up coming holidays and reflected on all that I am thankful for in my life. First and for most I’m thankful for my children. They may be grown but, they are always going to be my children and I still worry about them. I recently could have lost my oldest as he was held hostage at gun point for over an hour by a bank robber. He works for a bank and they still haven’t found the man and his accomplices. He still has police protection a round the clock. I am very grateful to still have him safe and sound. My youngest will most likely be deployed to Afghanistan after he completes his training. I am grateful he is still here. So many will have to make it through this holiday season with out the ones they love. No mater what is going on in my life I will always remember what I do have when others are doing with out. Now let me look a little more at the things I’m thankful for….. this very minute ever so thankful for my craftmatic adjustable bed WITH the built-in massage…..oooh soooo thankful! Also for being able to find others who know what it is like living with chronic illness. I’m indeed grateful for all my extended family with whom I no longer associate, as I am now the black sheep since I won’t let them run my life….. yes I’m grateful. Now I have nice stress free peaceful holidays. I share my holidays with my children and friends! People that I like and who may not have family or not able to get home to their families and would other wise be alone this Thanksgiving. What a novel thought! Now, don’t get me wrong I do love my extended family…. I just don’t like a few of them very much and the ones I do….. I call and talk with them later when all the others go back home…lol…. which leads me to something else….. interstate highways and better gas prices and high airfare costs. Why you might ask? Well, them out-of-state extended family needs to drive and that eats into the length of time they stay and I can call and talk to the ones I like even sooner. I use to start cooking a day ahead of time…. well really just cooked around the clock for a day or two. Then due to my fibro cut back on some of the made from scratch foods and breads/deserts. Then changed to buying a cooked turkey and made from scratch other foods again. BUT now I’m grateful for Piccadilly Restaurants because they make home-made Thanksgiving dinner….. fully cooked turkey and all the trimmings! Yes we all do miss my home cooking {I’m not shy…lol… I am a darn good cook and will pass down my recipes} but are able to enjoy our meal all the more since I’m not in so much pain due to over doing it just to fix a meal. After all it’s not really the food…. it’s the “meal”… the breaking of bread together… THAT’S what Thanksgiving is all about….. being grateful. Taking time to reflect on all we have and the very fact that here in the US we have the freedom to make choices about the path we take …… now that is something for which I am grateful! May you and yours be blessed with joy, peace and health as you travel your own path. Take time to reflect on your blessing and find comfort in your heart and soul until our paths cross again…… Lila

PS: NOW ALL YOU SPOONERS OUT THERE…. DON’T OVER DO IT AND PUT YOURSELF INTO AGONY… “DELEGATE” IS THE KEY TO HOLIDAY SURVIVAL! SO PACE YOURSELF IT HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN….LOL… :}

PLEASE NOTE THAT IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST AND YOU ARE NOT ON THE WEB SITE “LILA LOST IN THE FIBRO FOG…” THEN WHAT YOU ARE READING HAS BEEN STOLEN AND IS BEING USED WITHOUT MY AUTHORITY AND I HOPE YOU WILL COME TO MY WEB SITE BLOG AT WORDPRESS http://www.lilabyrdakabirdladybyday.wordpress.com

Well, as you’ll no doubt have noticed, I missed Saturday this week! Why? That’s a good question.

Here’s the answer: I spent the entire afternoon watching Firefly (you know, that brilliant Joss Whedon series about space cowboys?) for the first time. Yes, yes, I know — I should have done this a long time ago, but I was misguided and ill-informed, I swear it! And, well, it’s really better late than never, right? Forgive me, Shepherd, for I have sinned.

Let there be no doubt that I have righted this egregious wrong, and that I have been converted to a Firefly-loving fool. Ain’t that just shiny?

Oh, and I went as far as to get my hands on a copy of Serenity and watched it as well. Beside being completely wowed by the whole thing, I am just as appalled as fans were when the show was cancelled, I’m just a few years late. The cast is so strong and the characters so well developed and enjoyable to watch. It’s about space cowboys, for God’s sake! How could you not fall completely in love with a show about space cowboys?! I did, and I don’t even generally like things set in space, or in the future. A friend of mine peaked my interest in the show with the point that one shouldn’t stay away from the show because it was considered science fiction — it’s a lot more than that. He was totally right, by the way. This show’s first classification should be (and is, I believe) Western. If you took the characters out of space and plonked them smack dab in the middle of the Wild West, they wouldn’t seem out of place.

Of course, part of what drew me to Firefly in the first place was Nathan Fillion. Since I’m a big fan of Castle, I started looking for other things that he was in that I could take in. Of course, the thing he’s best known for is Firefly, so that was the obvious choice. The interesting thing about Fillion as Capt. Mal is that I feel like he works harder and ultimately does better in the space cowboy boots in some respects. This is likely a result of a couple of things, the most important being that the character development in Firefly is so well done. While watching, though there are some characters that don’t get as much air time as others when it comes to their backgrounds and such, I felt as though each of them really got the chance to contribute something to the show. It’s so important when working with an ensemble cast that everyone gets their chance to be seen and heard in some unique way, and I think Firefly does that better than most shows I’ve seen. Out of the shows that I’ve watched closely, CSI (the original, Las Vegas) has a cast that reminds me a bit of the dynamic I found in Firefly: the surroundings are different, but the characters have a distinct role to play, and they all bring different personalities and expertise to the table.

I could say a whole lot more about Firefly, but I won’t. I will, however, make a point to say:

1. I love the alternate “swear words” thing, goframmit!
2. Inara is one of the most beautiful women in this, or any, galaxy.
3. Asiatic style and language mixed with Western sensibilities ftw.
4. I want my own spaceship, now.
5. I want a new season! Holy moly, do I ever!

On an ending note: can someone find me the people responsible for putting an end to this show? Seriously. They should be made to fall on their own swords.

 Hooray! My second eShort, “Assassins,” went up at www.echelonpress.com. This time around, the short story is classified as an “Adventure” tale even though it is set in the future on a planet far, far away. And more than a science fiction adventure, this story could be classified as a Space Western!

Hmm. Does this mean I have a stagecoach rattling along a prairie trail? No, but I do have a bus driven by a reluctant hero rattling down that same prairie trail (only it’s on Konur Prime instead of in South Dakota or Kansas). Does that mean there’s a chase scene? Yes, and the get-away horse is a big-rig truck. Does that mean there’s a damsel in distress? Yes, she’s a failed genetically altered ”experiment” who is running for her life from an assassin with her pet singing opossum. There’s even a saloon and gambling establishment run by a red-headed woman. And I took the cover photo in Colorado at Garden of the Gods that stands in for The Canyons on Konur Prime.

A little more about Space Westerns. These stories take advantage of the character-types, challenges, and situations typically found in traditional westerns — only they take place in the future on frontier planets or “along the trail” between planets.  A recent example of a Space Western is the television series, “Firefly,” and its movie offspring, “Serenity.” But the spirit of the Space Western was really rejuvenated years ago by movies like ”Star Wars,” “Alien,” and the ”Star Treks.” For those interested in learning more about the genre, read the informative article on the subject by N.E. Lilly at www.spacewesterns.com While you’re there, you can check out a story of mine, “For the Good of the Settlement” (Archive story #25) or look at my comments about the genre in an article on writers published during the 1st year of the magazine’s existence.

Whether “Assassins” is called an adventure, science fiction tale, or space western — it’s a fun read. If you’re a writer — why not try and write one? And a note to you readers, ”Assassins” has a gun fight by the train tracks at the story’s end between the good guys and the bad guys! (But I’m not telling you who wins).

Breathless…

A month ago, if you had told me I would be going to see my new home in the centre of London today, I wouldn’t have laughed at you. I would probably have burst into tears, collapsed to the floor and proceeded to have a fit of tragic hysterics. Today, against all previous expectations and beliefs, I saw my new home, and of course I fell in love with it. Not because it’s nice, or cosy – just because it’s going to be mine, in a month from now. It is in an amazing part of town, round the corner from the South Bank and Waterloo station, on the same road as the famous Old Vic theatre and a plethora of fancy shops and restaurants that I will undoubtedly be trying out with eagerness in the New Year. The price for the room is so reasonable, and the room itself is amazingly big, with a view that incorporates all that the South Bank of the River Thames is famous for, including the London Eye, the Imax cinema and the towering industrial chimney of the Tate Modern. I can’t believe I’m going to be living there by the end of this year. I’ve been saying ‘I can’t believe…’ a lot this weekend.

I also keep thinking how it’s all dependent on me continuing to do everything that I’m doing. For the first time since early recovery, I feel like I’ve been placed in the cockpit of a plane, and in order to survive I have to learn to steer the aircraft to safety. Two and a half years ago just having to live without alcohol was like flying a plane – today it’s growing up, taking responsibility, keeping a job that feels like the hardest flying lesson anyone ever took. If I keep doing what I’m doing, I won’t crash the plane. I’ll keep it in the air, I’ll get to dry land and everything will be OK. If for some reason something goes wrong – if I give into the feeling that I can’t go on, if I let go of the wheel and retreat to the familiar safety of my old life, then I won’t get to live in Waterloo. I’ll be a child forever.

It seems as if the past two and a half years have been bringing me to this point. This is what recovery is for. I didn’t stop drinking to be happy, make friends – I got sober to become an adult, find my place in the world. If I hadn’t got sober then I would never have spent all that time working on my sleeping patterns, daily routines, applied for all those jobs, picked myself up from all those rejections. It’s such a cliché, but I wouldn’t be here today if I were still drunk. Everything I’ve done in recovery has been about this moment: it’s made today possible. I keep repeating the fact that this is SO important because it really is. I can’t afford to fuck it up in even the slightest way.

Again, I wonder if it’s all happening too soon, if I’m jumping the gun when I should be waiting a while to save some money, pay off a few debts. If I’m supposed to be waiting, why did I get that phonecall from Ethan on Friday, asking if I was looking for a place to live? It’s well known that things happen in God’s time, is it not? Whether I’d waited a few weeks to move or a few years, I would have had to do it eventually. I’ve lived here for long enough. I need to go to Waterloo and start my new life properly.

What if I lose this job next year? What if my colleagues really hate me and don’t want me there any more? What if? What if? What if? Oh, the doubts are endless. I’m so used to them, I’m hardly listening to them. Behind that wall of fearful noise in my head I see a small child – the scared little boy I have recently started trying to get to know. He doesn’t want to leave home, he doesn’t want to go out in the world and be without mummy any more. It’s my job to become his parent. All of this stuff I’m doing, it’s all completely unknown territory to the child inside me. Last time I tried independence, my three year stint in Norwich failed spectacularly because I didn’t listen to the inner child. I drank my independence away trying to shut those childish, dark fears up. Now I have to ration my income, make budgets, pay bills, purchase my own provisions, clean my own clothes, make my own bed – and I can’t fail. I don’t want to fail. I came back to London from Norwich five years ago thinking it would only be a year or two before something came my way and I’d be able to skip off into the night again. Five and a half years later, a chance has finally come, after hardship and tears that less tough souls wouldn’t be able to weather. I have waited so long for today. Independence is here at the door when I least expected it. It’s the end of a monumental decade in my life; a decade in which I’ve been a practicing alcoholic, lived in East Anglia, studied for two full degrees, had a handful of disastrous relationships, made some incredible friends, got sober and found spirituality. Now I am sailing off into unknown and unknowable waters, for the first time or the millionth time. When I move to Waterloo next month the world won’t change; London will still be the same beautiful, crazy, scary city that it has always been. For me it might as well be destroyed and rebuilt, such is the significance of the changes about to take place in my life. These changes are necessary, I know they are – they had to happen some time, because I got sober and set God’s true plans for me in motion. I don’t know what’s in store for me. I don’t need to know – after all that’s happened, I can’t help believing that God isn’t about to let me down.

I’m going straight to the heart of danger now, looking for safety. I’m about to start, or I’m starting to live a life beyond my wildest dreams. The AA promises ARE coming true. Who’d have thought?

Tegnap este lefeküdtem aludni, de gondoltam még tévézem egy picit. Elkezdtem zongorázni a tévékapcsolón és végül megakadtam a TV2-n. Ugyanis ott az egyik kedvencem ment, a Serenity.

A FireFly sorozat befejező, lezáró filmje. Annak a sorozatnak amit méltatlanul levett a műsorról a gyártó stúdió. Szóval ha már elkaptam meg is nézem. Persze a kereskedelmi csatornák az összes filmet ami jó vagy korán (délelőtt) amikor nincs otthon az ember vagy későn (éjjel) adja le amikor meg már alszik a néző.

Meg a Serenity simán megállja a helyét abban az esetben is, ha az ember nem látta a sorozatot. Miután vége lett a kedvencnek ismét zongoráztam. Az Extreme csatornán falmászásba futottam bele. Teljesen meglepő módon a női falmászás sokkalta érdekesebb mint a férfi.

Majd miután a női versenyt megszemléltem kikapcsoltam a tévét és inkább aludtam.

Last summer I had a conversation with one of my sister’s about turning 40.  She summed up her experience in the 40’s as, get “it” done now, and so what.

Lately my mind has been freakin.  Going forward, going past, making decisions(no actions thank goodness).

In the middle of Mr. Freak Out’s current rant in my head one morning Mr. So What, showed up.  He is used to be called “I Don’t Care”.  But Mr. I Don’t Care, led to negativity, so I fired him, because I wanted to care more about life or find things that I did care about and focus on them.

Mr So What, just quietly said, “So What?”

Today, right here, right now is great.  The forecast looks pretty good for tomorrow.   All the freakouts and bugaboos in my head have to do with possible outcomes of which I have absolutely no facts or empirical evidence for.  But, But, But.  No facts, nadda.  No crystal balls either.

After awhile Mr Freak Out quieted down, especially when I found a fun project for him to work on.  He LOVES, details, planning, researching.  Mr Freak Out, is excellent for vacations.  So I said I would like to go camping and Kayaking, I need a campsite location, what kind of Kayak to get, and I’d like a new bike too.  Off he went with a big grin.

I smiled at Mr So What, and thanked him for helping me out today in the control room of my brain.  So what, is great because of all the very successful failures, and disasters I’ve created in my life.  Having survived a lot of worst fears scenarios, and watched the sun come up the next day with another opportunity to create something different, Mr. So What, is now a good friend.

My tool for the day in dealing with bipolar, was to give Mr Freak Out a fun project to work on, and listen to Mr So What? instead.

Breathing Deeply

George

Joy for the Journey Is About Accepting the Bittersweet of Life

Today my husband and I visited the Brandywine River Museum in Pennsylvania. One of the interesting paintings was done by Asher Durand (1796-1886), a major figure in Hudson River School of American Landscape painters.

The painting portrays the woods. Several trees are in the background but the foreground focus is on two very large, tall, old, and snarly trees. The tree on the left is lush and lively. Clearly this tree is thriving. The one on the right, however, is all dried out and liveless, full of signs of decay.

These two trees share the same environment: same amount of rain and sunshine. What caused one to thrive and the other to die? A botanist or a forest ranger might explain this with some kind of tree disease.

What fascinated me was not so much the fact that one lived and the other didn’t. What amazed me was not even the reason the dead one died. What caught my attention was the fact that life and decay coexisted.

In my journey through life, vitality and decay often coexisted. It’s somewhat like bittersweet chocolate: I must accept the bitter as well as the sweet. I sort of knew this in my head since I was a young adult but it took me many years to get this knowledge down to my guts.

When I finally accepted the coexistence of vitality and decay in my life journey, I no longer felt the pressure to make life perfect for me and my children. When I began to recognize that bittersweetness is an inevitable characteristic of human existence, I also began to live in the present, savoring the sweetness while dealing with the bitterness.

This acceptance of the bittersweet nature of human existence kept me from wasting my energy and emotions on what I cannot change. This new insight enabled me to enjoy the sweet, and preserved my energy to handle the bitter.

Indeed joy for the journey is about accepting the bittersweetness of life.

The image in this blogpost is attributed to DancingFish on www.flickr.com

The unexpected twists and turns of life have been good to me this week – very good, in fact. Two weeks after starting work in Notting Hill, I still have a job. Unbelievable, really. Even more unbelievably, I seem to be settling into the job. I appear to be performing well in my new role. It looks like I’m getting recognition for the hard work I’ve been doing – at the end of the day I was called into an empty room by the boss, who asked me if I would like to accept more hours and a permanent role, starting from next week. There was me thinking she was going to break the bad news to me that my services were no longer required. “Thanks very much, sling your hook,” she could have said, but she didn’t. She actually went as far as to tell me that I had impressed her over the past fortnight, that I was turning out to be a valued member of ‘the team’. I was left utterly speechless – I could barely thank her. I’m still thinking somewhere that she must have made a mistake, or that it’s all a big joke, and when I get in on Monday they’ll drop the pretence. Surely they can’t really think I’m that good at my job? No way have I really lasted to this point without revealing myself as an incapable fraud?

My ability to do the job isn’t exactly what I’m questioning at the moment; my personal relationships with ‘the team’ are another matter. I’m quickly realising the extent to which I secretly believe that everyone there hates me. When someone says something nice, shares a joke with me, offers to make me a cup of tea, inside I think they must be doing it to make fun of me. In much the same way I used to believe that people in AA were taking the piss every time they invited me to coffee/initiated a conversation with me/asked for my number. What’s to like about me? I’ve seen so much evidence to prove that I am likeable over the years, yet I still find myself asking that question. I guess I always thought of work as the final taboo in my life, and everyone who I was to come across in the work environment would be so normal, so much better than me that it would be impossible to impress them, let alone make friends with any of them.

Anyway, now that I am quite likely to still have a job in three months from now, all kinds of ideas and opportunities are presenting themselves to me. As soon as I walked out of work today I switched my phone on to find a voicemail message from a good friend in the fellowship, asking if I’m looking for a place to live because he has a free room available in his flat from next month. The rent’s reasonable; it’s in a great part of town; I’ve thought about it all evening, and I think I could manage the cost. God, I think I could actually do it. I could leave home, move to the centre of London, to the place where I should always have been! It would be a dream come true, especially with a friend from the rooms. A few weeks ago I couldn’t even think about such a marvellous possibility.

Suddenly everything is happening, everything is changing, really quickly. I asked God to change my life, and guess what, God is answering. The Artist’s Way says that all you have to do is ask: I guess Julia Cameron is right on that score. If I hadn’t been through the hardship of unemployment for a year and a half, I wouldn’t be appreciating this rapid improvement in fortunes as much as I am right now. I’m finally beginning to live an adult life. I’m considering my capabilities, thinking about what I can do and what I can’t do; I’m making plans and decisions, all on my own. I didn’t need a job to give me an identity, I needed it for independence, and that elusive thing is finally appearing, years after I began to think that I deserved it.

I tried independence eight years ago, and of course I fucked it up. I was far too young. In a way I could still be too young, but that’s not important now. My time is now. It’s here: God is giving me a chance, and I have to take it. I might never get another one.

Tonight’s SAA meeting was the icing on the week’s cake. Since the summer this meeting has grown at an incredible rate: from just two regular members two months ago it has gone to eight or nine regulars. It’s like group therapy. We all know each other, we all sit round in a circle and we share the truth. The real truth, not the censored truth that might be deemed appropriate for other fellowships. We talk about the fickled, fake gay scene, the shame involved with growing up gay in a straight world; the terror of intimacy, the horrors of drunken shagging, the appeal of oblivion and the price we’ve all paid for it. We always go for coffee afterwards. It’s turning into a little family. It’s certainly my favourite point of the week now. I will always look forward to it. God, it’s what I need. I can share about anything there, not just sex addiction. For two years I’ve looked for a meeting like that. Now more than ever, it’s the sort of thing that’s vital to my recovery.

Everything is going so well in my life right now, I can’t fucking believe it. Thank God I got sober two and a half years ago! I wouldn’t be here now if I were still drinking, that’s for sure. I might have gone for the interview and got this job, but I wouldn’t have lasted more than a few days. As it stands, I’ve now managed to last longer in this job than I did in all but one of the jobs I had pre-recovery. If I were still drinking I definitely wouldn’t have a safe place to go every Friday night, where I can talk about how I really feel and be appreciated and understood by people who’ve been there too. A place where there is no judgment, no cruising, no attitude. Some of the men who go to this meeting are very physically attractive, of course, but that doesn’t really bother me. I don’t need any of them to complete me. I like them as friends, nothing more. To be able to say that, and mean it, is just incredible.

As I often went on tour with artists such as Massive Attack and Take That, I used to get the best spa treatments in hotels around the world. I was lucky that one of my regular treats was to have a massage – however often the relaxation music would not seem to fit the bill. So, I started to make my own spa relaxation music over the past few months and here is the result…

With additional soothing voices, this CD will allow you to drift off.... zzzz!

Like alot of people, for the last few weeks, I’ve been watching that “V” mini-series on ABC. From the start I’ve been asking myself, “who is that fine ass leader of the V’s?”
So, I finally get around to finding out who the actress was, and realize Morena Baccarin has been a sci-fi hottie in more than a few shows, including the movie “Serenity”. Well, like I always say, better late than never.

Morena Baccarin was born in Rio De Janero, Brazil in 1979, but was raised in New York City. She was exposed to the world of acting at a very young age through her mother, Vera Setta, a well-known Brazilian actress who worked on both stage and television.

In 1989, Morena and her family moved to Greenwich Village, New York. A few years later she attended the Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts, the High School made famous in the movie Fame and the subsequent television series of the same name. Upon graduation, she was accepted into the prestigious Julliard School for the Performing Arts, and while there she was one of the subjects of the PBS series American Masters which focused on the school and the students.

Morena landed her first film role in 2001 in the independent film Perfume, which turned a critical eye on the fashion business and the lives of those who work in it. The same year she played the lead role of Rebecca in the film Way Off Broadway, which garnered rave reviews and earned Morena the “Best Actress” award at the Wine Country Film Festival.

After a minor role in the film Roger Dodger in 2002, Morena appeared in the Central Park production of The Seagull with Natalie Portman. She also was the understudy for Portman’s role.

Later the same year, she got her first television role as Inara Serra on the critically acclaimed series Firefly. The series was cancelled after only eleven episodes were aired, but Universal Studios was so impressed with the show and the cast that they greenlighted a silver screen continuation of the story. The movie, called Serenity, opened in September of 2005 to almost universal raves from critics. She currently stars as “Anna” in ABC’s “V” mini-series.

-Source

Listen to the episode HERE.

Joss Whedon’s Firefly was probably the best sci-fi television show ever. To be cancelled after half a season. By Fox (those bastards). It might have proved to be the best sci-fi show ever, period, if it’d been picked up by another network but it wasn’t. All we got was 14 episodes and a movie (Serenity). Fans of the show were heartbroken.

I wasn’t one of the heartbroken. I was part of the problem. I never watched Firefly when it was on the air because it was a huge nerd hurdle for me. Not because it was sci-fi but because I had no idea it was sci-fi. I heard the words “Joss Whedon” and “Firefly” and assumed it was another Buffy spin-off like Angel, but maybe about Willow or some other wiccan lesbians. Though I loved Buffy, I didn’t care for Angel, so I never checked out Firefly. And not many other people did either.

Then, after it was cancelled, I heard it was really good. One of the best TV shows ever. My ears pricked up. Then I heard it was “space cowboys” and my ears pricked back down. Cowboys are a huge hurdle for me. I like the odd western (usually starting a young Clint Eastwood) but generally I don’t care for the genre. It’s why it took me so long to watch the excellent Deadwood. Perhaps it’s because I don’t like modern-day cowboy culture and thereby associate ”westerns” with redneck douchebags. And I don’t care for the music. Such as the Firefly theme:

Then it was explained to me that the show isn’t so much about space cowboys as space outlaws and once again my ears were pricked. So a couple of years ago, several years after it was cancelled, I finally sat down to tackle Firefly.

I wasn’t disappointed. True, I wasn’t hooked from the first episode, but by the third I couldn’t stop watching if I tried. The show’s strength is that it’s blessed with probably the best ensemble cast ever assembled. Where other classic ensembles (TNG, Buffy) took a good three or four seasons to hit their stride, the cast of Firefly hit the ground running. The chemistry couldn’t have been improved in a laboratory. Check out the gag reel at the bottom of this post. It’s hard to believe these people were practically strangers.

Though there is certainly an outlaw/western feel to the show, it’s all the aspects of westerns I enjoy. They’re more dust-bowl pirates than cowboys. In a way it’s like Pirates of the Caribbean set on the Millenium Falcon instead of the Black Pearl. If it’d been sold to me that way, I’d have been watching from day one.

Instead the show was pitched as “nine people looking into the blackness of space and seeing nine different things.” Um. Okay. That’s cool and all, but it’s sounds like Waiting for Godot staged on Discovery One. This show isn’t that at all. Perhaps the exact opposite. It’s an adventure-comedy of the highest grade. And well worth the hurdle.

I saw the original ”War of the Worlds” on AMC last weekend. I forgot how good that movie was. I saw the remake and thought it was fair. I’m sure that the original 1938 radio broadcast was just as good. I’ve heard parts of it, I can only imagine what was going through people’s minds.
Kind of like with Twilight. I’m sure I’ve seen this story before. Wait….I have. …..

It seems in 1941 a young Lon Chaney, Jr. as Larry Talbot introduced us to the Werewolf. I could go on about Bela Lugosi as the vampire we all know and love. I understand there is a remake of The Wolfman slated in production right now. I believe the release is in February of 2010.
Is it just me or is Hollywood running out of ideas?
I understand that Twilight really should have been called Tweenlight: New Money…….

My role in the new movie was simply this. A bystander caught up in some hooplah over a worn out idea that will make billions based on the dashing good looks of Hollywood’s young. I see the tabloids about these folks and I guess it could be jealousy or it could be stupidity. Stupidity on our part for creating a global phenom that has already occurred once in history. That’s kind of an oxymoron isn’t it?

 We are heading out to Louisiana to visit family for the Holiday. I can’t believe it is Thanksgiving already. One of my dreams is to take my wife to see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. My kids could really care less, but this is something her and I have talked about doing.
This would be the first time we have left Columbus for a Holiday away from home. Until her mother moved recently, all of both of our families have lived here. My wife’s father passed away 7 or 8 years ago now. She has a couple of half-brothers here but rarely see’s them. So this would be the first Holiday with no family.

Most of my family does their own thing. The go and see in-laws, those that are married anyway. My sisters have families of their own, and my Mom is getting too old to cook a big dinner for everyone. My dad would rather be with his friends or by himself  so I have always attached myself to my wife’s family. I am a little apprehensive, just because it is outside of my comfort zone but I will be okay. I told my wife I would take her to see her mom, and I will. These are the kinds of promises I can make and keep today. What a gift.

I certainly hope you enjoy your Holiday with friends and family. For some in recovery Holiday’s can be an especially trying time. My suggestion would be if you are planning on going to an event to have a back-up plan. A back-up plan, not a bail-out plan. Take a phone with you and numbers in case you need to call someone. Locate an OPEN meeting in your area. Some meetings aren’t held because of the Holiday and the facility being closed. Take your book. It can be easy to slip away and read a few pages to help get our minds back in proper perspective. Most importantly…DON’T USE. It is amazing how quickly our minds can switch gears during events like these, and the social acceptability beckons us to be a part of rather than a part from. It would be easy to fall back into the old ways of thinking and old behaviors while at a family event. The feeling to use will pass.

Be Safe.
Take Care…..Bob D.

"Proverbial philosophy, in four series, now first complete, including the fiftieth edition of the two first series"

Storms make oaks take deeper root. (Unknown)

foto – storm over ulmarra nov 09.

So finally we got some more information Dale!  Now why all of us Whedon-ites love our Wash, you know that while he was a leaf on the wind, watch him soar…  He’s a leaf on rake, and we watched him get impaled…  Twice really, if you think about.  Once in Serenity, and then again in the premiere of my officially favorite show of the new Fall season.  I know that I have said that Flash Forward was the best show so far, but I have found that they aren’t consistently bringin’ it every week.  However, V delivers!  With a bang! 

At first I was resistant to the fact the writers have announced so early that the V’s are a reptilian race, but they are still busting out surprises every week.  The Fifth Column is incredibly exciting!  How long exactly have they been walking among us?  Has it just been the last 20 years?  Do they have cloaking capabilities, and that is why Ronald Reagan couldn’t find him with all of our satellites in space??   What is most fun is trying to figure out who may or may not be the secret V’s.

Personally, I think that Erica’s son Tyler is a hybrid.  I think that his large friend, Brandon is a V.  I think that is why he is always pressuring young Tyler into becoming a Peace Ambassador, having him graffiti the streets, etc.  I am also interested in finding out if the old priest is a V.  He seems so comfortable with the idea of people devoting themselves the visitors, instead of the church.  But I doubt that Ryan’s fiancée is a V, I’m sure that he would be able to sense that with his reptilian senses…

But what exactly is going on with Anna and The Bliss?  Are they drugging us and the other V’s?  What is The Bliss?  It was obvious that the woman whose husband died had completely changed her perspective on the visitors…  But why??  I just hope that they don’t drag it out like Lost, I need answers quicker nowadays!

 What did YOU think of this week’s episode?  What do YOU hope happens next week?

Comment below?

My name is Bob D**** and I am an addict.

See you thought I would reveal my true identity didn’t you? I am under the impression that this is a form of press. I mean the site name is “WordPress” correct? I am told that I need to maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and film. Why do we do this or not do it?
I see a lot of posts where people use their full names, some with credentials, others not. They disclose they are members of various programs. It really doesn’t matter to me if you want to do that. But I am reminded that I cannot associate my name with a particular fellowship because no one person represents that fellowship. I cannot speak on behalf of Narcotics Anonymous. That’s probably a good thing, I could say something that could embroil the fellowship in controversy and folks could die.

We talked a little bit about anonymity inside the rooms. Is it that important? We have “celebrities” that go to meetings and we know their last names because of who they are and what they do. There are people in my area who know my last name and where I work as well, I’m not a celebrity but it really isn’t that important to me. I understand there are jobs and positions it would be best not to have such disclosure. It could place people in jeopardy. Everyone has the full right to recover in a safe place, but let us remember that we aren’t a secret society.

With that being said our’s is a fellowship based on attraction rather than promotion. I could spend countless hours shouting to the heavens about what NA has done for me but it is more important to show folks what the program can do. This is done based on how we live today.
The flip side of anonymity is that there are some who attend NA events or wear NA clothing and make asses out of themselves in public and the general public see’s this and says…..”See that shit isn’t for me, or It doesn’t work”.

I know of a story of some folks who were at an event in Ripley, WV. They went to a Bob Evans and saw some folks there wearing NA shirts. They were carrying on loudly, swearing and so forth. The waitress looked at my friends who were in NA as well but not wearing shirts and said, “I’m glad those NA folks left. A family left because of their swearing, you’d think they would have better manners than that”. This is the perception left by a group of individuals at an NA event. Perhaps we shouldn’t worry so much at times about protecting our own anonymity and worry about protecting our fellowship from our own behavior.

Maybe I should just start using Clark Kent as my name and see if anyone catches on….The Saga Continues…….

Take Care….

OK, this guy also makes the short list. I love me some Billy Preston! The man had some serious talent and gusto and mindful lyrics, soulful… Just damn fine music, go search him out if you don’t know!

After a period of about twenty four hours’ panic, I feel myself returning to a state of much needed calmness. The panic was brought on my first inevitable mistake in my new job. I went and put something up on the website that wasn’t supposed to be there (won’t go into the boring details of which kind of things are meant to be on the website and which aren’t) – got an e-mail late last night telling me about the mistake and asking me to spend some more time learning the system with the company’s resident expert, the fearsomely pretty Scandinavian, Kat, who I haven’t really spoken to before. Kat is not just fearsomely pretty, she is fearsome in general, and I wasn’t looking forward to our imminent sit-down. She might be incredibly put out by the prospect of having to give up her time to help me, when she has so many other things to be getting on with. I couldn’t know for sure, I just got the impression that she would be put out. On the way to work this morning I was so sure that I had a massive telling off waiting for me – trying not to think about it didn’t work. Telling myself that they must understand I’m still relatively new and not an expert in the job didn’t work either. Panic built inside, time began to drag in that awful way that it does whenever things are getting on top of me. Delays on the underground caused me to arrive at work five minutes late, which made everything a hundred times worse. When I entered the office, no one was talking to me. Normally there is at least a warm ‘hello’ from Melanie waiting for me. Today she simply smiled and got on with her far more important work. I sat down and developed a horrific rejection complex, thinking that at any moment someone was sure to approach me and sack me for being such an idiot.

This feeling continued for a good couple of hours until Kat finally found the time to sit with me and explain everything I needed to know. It’s no one’s fault that I didn’t know everything before. There’s so much to know, it’s natural that it should take time for every single thing to find its way into my pool of knowledge. Kat didn’t seem angry with me this afternoon, just happy to clear things up and answer all my questions. When we were done I can’t describe the feeling of relief. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go home this evening feeling OK without having had that conversation with her. It was obviously the latest in a series of tests that I have to go through this week. Having passed yet another ‘test’ at work, I guess I feel like things are back on track. It’s still only been a week and there are bound to be more things that I haven’t yet picked up which will be necessary to know at some point. I wish I could jump to three months down the line; I keep thinking about what it would be like if I manage to still have this job by the end of February. How amazing I’ll feel, knowing I’ve lasted in what is quite a tough job for longer than any job I’ve had before. I’ll be able to buy that laptop, book that holiday, eat in that fancy restaurant without having to rely on friends to pay for me. I appreciate that material riches are not to be the sole purpose of my life: all the personal/spiritual benefits that I gain from working for a living are sure to be equally rewarding. Right now I can’t quite imagine what all the spiritual benefits might be…it’s hard to see past the laptop and the holiday! I suppose just knowing that I’ve kept the job will be reward enough. Knowing I’ve lasted a whole week is pretty incredible, to be honest.

At the end of today Melanie finally stopped what she was doing to talk to me, asking how my ‘learning session’ with Kat had gone. I answered that it had gone really well – an honest answer – and then Melanie mentioned that she thought I had been real quiet all afternoon. I knew what she was talking about – I had been especially quiet, at least until the moment when I’d finished speaking with Kat. When I arrived today I honestly thought I was going to be sacked, and I guess that made it pretty impossible for me to be the talkative person that I’d been developing into earlier in the week. When I’m stressed I retreat into my protective shell, it’s what I’ve always done. Melanie doesn’t know that about me: I wish I could explain it to her, but I haven’t yet found a way of opening up in such a way at work. I still don’t know my colleagues well enough to allow myself to be so vulnerable. Maybe I won’t get to know them better until I actually let down some of that guard…

I can’t stop myself from fretting about how I’m going to ‘open up’ at work. It’s becoming ever clearer that things won’t really feel OK until I have allowed people to get to know who I really am. It’s easy for people like Melanie to show who they really are from the very beginning: she’s the kind of person where what you see is what you get. Me, I wasn’t born with the ability to be myself from day one in any environment. There always has to be this defrosting process: very slowly, the more I know about a place, the more baby steps I’m able to take to let my guard down. At the moment, I could only be 20% defrosted. I’ve only actually spoken to the four people in my team; outside that team there are around twenty other people in the office, none of whom I’ve even introduced myself to yet. I have no idea how or if progress will ever be made on that score.

This is why I wish I could just skip to three months or a year down the line. By then I know things will be better: things always improve with time. But I can’t just skip through the next three months! If I keep thinking about it I’ll just be wishing my life away, and I did so much of that in the past it made me miserable. I can’t wish my life away any more. I have to accept that I am right where I’m supposed to be. I should be thanking God for these constant tests: they’re building my character, slowly but surely.

Morena Baccarin has really hit the big time in the new television re-make of the 1983 science fiction series called “V”which recently premiered on ABC.   

The premise of the show for those of you who may not have seen the show is about a race of aliens who suddenly visit earth in 29 gigantic spaceships claiming to come in peace…their tagline is.…”We are of peace. Always.”  (Yeah, right!)

Morena Baccarin, a 30 year-old Brazilian born New Yorker, who has starred in a variety of programs such as Firefly and Serenity as “Inara” and a Stargate SG-1 alum, as “Adria” is now playing “Anna,” the supreme commander of the alien race currently hovering over all the major cities of the planet earth.  

Sporting a brand new haircut, remnicient of Audrey Hepburn and Halle Berry and probably being blessed by every hair salon across the country, “V” has done wonders for ABC ratings with 14.3 million viewers among adults 18-49 on the night of the premiere, on November 3, 2009, easily the best numbers for any new show this season.

 “V” will air in two parts, with four episodes before the holidays, and the remainder in 2010 right after the Olympics are over.  During this hiatus, you can catch Morena Baccarin in the upcoming big screen drama “Stolen Lives,” alongside Josh Lucas and “Mad Men’s” John Hamm.

 Watch “V” on Tuesday nights at 8 pm on ABC

For more information about the show visit:  

IMDB.com

 TV Guide Interview

Sources:

Various

My early life experiences not only shaped the following years, but held them captive. I’ve made a lot of poor decisions because I couldn’t/wouldn’t shake the past from my shoes and walk forward into something better. I believed I WAS the shame of my past – not simply that I had experienced it. I’ve lived my adulthood as though my childhood happened yesterday. I’ve been walking wounded.

But years ago, I heard something I’ve never forgotten:  We’re ready to let go of something when we’re tired of hearing ourselves talk about it. We’ve processed it so much, that it’s lost its power.

This past year in OA has been one of talking and processing. Never before have I felt free to jabber so incessantly about “inner” things I needed to work “out”. And how healing it has been! I’ve been realizing this month, that I no longer feel wounded. I’m getting tired of hearing myself talk about those childhood hurts. What a freedom that is! I’ve waited my whole life, it seems, to feel this lightness in my spirit – the lifting of that crushing burden.

Those same experiences that for decades have caused pain and shame, are now giving strength and compassion. What used to be boulders crushing me, are now rocks I’m learning to stand on. I understand and empathize with those who desperately seek what I’m finally discovering: hope, light and peace. And instead of my unending need to be ministered to, God is equipping me for ministry to others. What beauty that is. God is so good.

Much love,
Dana

Self-pity is one of the most destructive of defects; it will drain us of all positive energy. – Basic Text Page 77

I always found it odd that when talking or writing to others that they would “send some positive energy” my way. What are we talking about here “The Force” or something?!? Is Yoda on the way? I understand now how negative energy, negative feelings, self-pity can play a vital role in recovery. Hell in life for that matter. The quote says “destructive”. That’s pretty deep. I believe self-pity eats us from the inside out. I can find the smallest of things and my feelings, my thoughts would lead me to believe that the end of the world has come.
We talk about making mountains out of mole hills and not just situations either, I believe our feelings do the exact same thing. They blow up to the point our actions and reactions are affected.
Some of us (myself included) want to slow dance with self-pity, take our time with it, either out of attention or just not having the tools to pull ourselves out of it. Too often I don’t tell those closest to me what is on my mind or what I am feeling. You would be hard pressed to believe that especially in what I write about but that is the answer in itself. The downward spiral begins and things seem to pile up. The old saying of measuring our insides compared to the outsides of others takes hold. It would seem that everyone in the world, except for me, is happy or enjoying their lives. That sense of “Why does this shit keep happening to me” turns from being a sense or feeling into almost a mantra. I see patterns in my self-pity. Attention mostly, as I alluded to before, which shows me even in the most negative of defects they are still self-centered.

I have found an outlet in writing. I have heard often in recovery that we should “journal”. This is my journal. Sometimes in writing it si easier to  see the patterns of self-pity creeping in. My problems aren’t unique and I don’t consider myself cursed. What I do know is I have a relief valve in writing.

Sometimes I still don’t feel like opening up to others. It could be out of ego or pride. It could be I just don’t feel it’s necessary for everyone to know my business. I talk to my sponsor on a regular basis about things. He knows all there is to know about me. I trust him, even at times, when I don’t trust myself.
I talk to my HP about things. I just voice my concerns about things, people..events. It works out.
I talk to my wife more. Early on it was difficult for her to understand where I was coming from. I believe she has started to see how the addict mind truly works. We have gotten past the “You shouldn’t feel that way” talks from early on to more of just listening. I have always said it is not up to me to tell someone how they should think or feel. Your thoughts and feelings are valid to you, they may not necessarily be in line with reality, but they are still yours.
I don’t like dancing with self-pity much these days. I did it for too long. I get to see a lot where I work at, especially self-pity, and it allows me to be grounded. I could be in far worse circumstances and really haven’t that much to complain about. The kids seem to be our main source of peace disruption these days. But everything is temporary….they can’t live with us forever. I see now why my parents were so anxious for me to leave….Maybe they were tired of dancing as well.

 We are making plans to travel next week for the Holiday to Louisiana to visit my wife’s family. Friday will probably be my last post for a week or so but I will post a couple of more times and who knows, maybe one from the road….with pictures…..commentary….all that shit!?!

Take Care…..Bob D.