Sundays. Always the blurry day, never a good day.

The movie Once starts in about 2 minutes and E-S isn’t here yet. After that, my mum drives us to the rehearsalspace/room or whatever. I should start call it Fort Flurry (don’t really know why). Don’t know if Johan is coming, but worse scenario would be if he comes and he SUCKS and… none of us can say no…

Read my old blog and E-T had comment my latest post. She had a link to her blog and I clicked on it. She had a fucking picture of her and her boyfriend. The boyfriend she choose over me, her best friend since 3 years.The worst thing is that he has cheated on every girl he has been with ever and forced one girl to a*alsex.

Now E-s came.

I’m in trouble. I took a long shower earlier today and did all those girl-stuff like shaving legs and other parts so I didn’t hear the doorbell. I get out of the shower, notice some extra shoes in front of the door, and walk in to my room. Turned on 30 Seconds to Mars on high volume and got dressed. Started playing piano (or synth. or whatever you wanna call it) to Hurricane when suddenly Happy Dad walks in saying:
“Why aren’t you upstairs with us? We have guests you know.”
Moi: Didn’t know. Who’s here?
Happy Dad: ***, *** and Johan. I’ve found a singer to your band, Johan!

I follow him (not voluntary) upstairs. I can tell that when I was younger, I was always shy for my parents friends kids, and since Johan is one of them I was terrified. He’s also two years older and he makes me nervous of some reason. PLUS that our parents have always tried to match us together. Like, for three years ago I texted him “Hope you have a great summer, many kisses / Hannah”. His mother reminded me of that EVERY TIME WE MET. Like it was some kind of lovesymbol. That’s not the only thing that gets repeated. I also get to hear “Hannah, do you have a boyfriend? Because Johan is single and you would make such a great couple!”

So I wasn’t exactly excited about meeting them, but I mean, it was about a year ago since I met them last so I thought things might have changed. Well, first of all. He’s totally hot nowadays. And he has actually matured and have developed an exeptional sense of humor. Point is, Damn i’m so attracted to him. And before I know it, we talk about my band. And suddenly, he has an audition as a singer to it. TOMORROW (sunday). And apparently I was the one suggesting it (I wasn’t serious but seems like they took it that way). When I realised what i had done, I called the whole band and told them what I had done. Gladly no one got mad, and I still don’t know if Johan was serious about coming tomorrow. He knows where we rehearsal and which time… I’m nervous. That’s some serious shit i’ve put the band in. No one knows him except me. And not even I know him THAT well.

And if he doesn’t join the band, maybe I can spend some extra time with him… (Joke.) (I think)

I have wondered about this so long, and thought that if I just write down what’s going through my mind without thinking, maybe I can get it right.

E-B just texted me. Let’s take the whole conversation. (To clear things up, she’s with her boyfriend since like a week. They’ve been together this summer for a week too. Now she stays at his house for the weekend since he lives a couple of miles away). I can add that she’s a year younger than me, and her boyfriend is a year older than me.

E-B: I have a problem.
Moi (Hehe, still likes the word): Tell me.
E-B: Me and ****** have tried to have sex since last night, but I can’t get wet.
Moi: Well, are you sure you want to?
E-B: Ofcourse I am. We talked about it last night, and now i’m completely ready it’s just that i’m so nervous that I can’t relax.

E-B often ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend. Actually, seems like everyone meets someone at the moment. So I need to get this out of my system.
1. I prefer meeting guys online. Yes, I know it never works as a relationship, but I love the fact of not being judged of the way I look, but for the way I am and my personality. In so called ‘reality’ i’m often a subject for lines like “damn, you have a nice ass” or “You’re hot”.
Don’t get me wrong, compliments are good but i’m more than how I look. I CAN talk and have intelligent conversations. PLEASE see that.

2. I’m incredibly picky when it comes to guys. Call me naive, but I need those butterflies and sparks and… I can’t have sex with some random person, even less have a relationship with anyone I don’t have feelings for. Latest time I really felt like I love someone was in 6th grade. Is it possible, that a crush in 6th grade is the… only true crush i’ve had that was totally based on feelings. What a pathetic life I have.

3. I can’t separate feelings about sex and about love. I wanted B for sex. Only. But D-W I want as a… I don’t know. All I know is that D-W is impossible to get, and I havent’ felt like this since the time I was in love with Oscar in 6th grade.

The fact that I haven’t been fooling around with anyone since September when out class took a trip to Spain, shows that it’s perfectly normal to be a bit sexually frustrated and desperate.

I’m out for the perfect guy for me. But since that’s so impossible i’m gonna be a nun. Anyone knows a good Cloister? On a convent? Or… anything?

Last night was a great night. No, I wasn’t out on some party, I was home with my family. I had the opportunity to go to the city and party like rest of the youths but I love new years with my family. Don’t think i’ll ever wanna spend that somewhere else.

Woke up around 12, feeling a bit bad for sleeping away half of the day but it went to take a shower. Who wouldn’t want to start the year clean? But accidentally the shower lasted for an hour, so I didn’t get up for breakfast until 1:15. After that, I took a walk in the killing -15 degrees outside. Needed some time to think, ’cause i’m writing my yearsummary like I write every year. I’m gonna need my old blog for that, because honestly I don’t remember anything. All I know is that the year didn’t go as planned and it went fast.

Now i’m gonna go play ‘Hurricane – 30 seconds to mars’ on the piano. Yeah.

2010 is gonna be EPIC

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen

- Albert Einstein

Last night, I decided to have a confessiontime, to start the new year without any regrets or heaviness from 2009.

- First, I told a guy I was friend with for a couple of years ago that I had a crush on him then. And that me and a friend hacked his MSN for maybe a year ago. He just laughed.

- I told D-W that “I think i’m falling in love with you”. The answer I got was ” you know thats that… kinda a bad choice right?^^”
Eh, Yes I know it’s a kinda bad idea. Like THE MOST STUPID IDEA WHAT I’VE EVER GOT. But it wasn’t a choice… Worst thing is that he doesn’t like me back. It feels like i’ve been in this situation before, like in everytime I try to be happy with someone else.

- I texted B and said i’ve something to say.
He answered: Tell me?
I said: I have a ‘confessiontime’ (: hm, I was in love with you from about the first time we got together last year until maybe May. Then I got over it and I tried to find my way back to that, but i’m not in love with you anymore. But I was sickly in love before.
Thanks to that I got a silence. I texted again and said that his silence scares me. He asked me to call him and I did. Then he said “I have no feelings for you”. W-H-A-T   T-H-E    H-E-L-L
For 24 h ago you said you were in love with me and that i’m special and blahblah. (Now afterward I realise how ridiculous it sounds, and I can’t believe I fell for it). I went against all my common sense when I got together with him. Thought it would be different, but difference up in my ass. He only used me for sex (which he didn’t even get). Isn’t that wonderful? Great… I was so naive. I cried a few tears last night, because I was foolish enough to get used. I used to know better. And I wasted my whole year on him. All i had in my was him from December 2008 to maybe May when I finally got over him. Then D-W came along and I was swept away by him and he don’t even like me either. And even if he did, we don’t live in the same country.

I realised I’m falling for D-W when E-B revealed that she made a blowjob on her boyfriend for the first time. Then it just hit me that I wouldn’t go near a naked B. Not even a dressed one. But if there was any opportunity for me to touch Denis, or even be near him… I would take it without doubt.

At the moment i’m a bit moody. E-S were suppose to be at my house by 11 so we could go to the city. And I struggled my way up since I was up until 4, but when I call her she doesn’t answer. Turn out that she fell asleep again  she woke up two h too late. I can add that she was a bit pissed last night when I said i’d be tired, and she said she would go home if I was asleep when she came. Annoying.

When I was about 7-8 I saw cartoons about Justice League and Batman. I always wanted to be a Hero. But at my age, i’m happy with being a guitarhero (The game you know?). But I’m actually better at playing drum on it…
Today has been an productive day. I’ve been in bed most of the day  as a consequence of late night. (No drinking). But i’ve been managed to wrap in my dad’s birthday gifts and write a verse to a (hopefully) potential song. Now i’m gonna play Guitar hero with my brother until my MSN-date with E-B at 10.

E-B, one of my best friends are with her dreamguy now. I think they’re together for the third time this year, with a distance on 15 miles if i remember right. Sometimes I wonder if she don’t get how lucky she is.

Btw, me and E-B met online actually. Non of us remember how, or when we first met. But we do remember that night, 30th December 2007 when we randomly found each other again after having eachother on MSN for ages. We talked for about 8 hours with Jesper (a guy who lives right in between us.) ( E-B Lives in the south and I live in the north). So tonight we’re celebrating two years. I”m guessing that 70% of our conversations will be about how Victor taste and where his hands have been.

Talked to B last night. We talked for almost 2 hours. After we hung up I thought about him. A lot. I miss someone who tells me that i’m attractive and that… he likes me. It sounds ridiculous, but I’ve always been fighting with my loneliness. I haven’t got a problem with how I see myself, I’m perfectly fine with who I am, It’s just… Sometimes I need to feel the love I can’t give myself. Something that isn’t forced from a friend or family.
But I know it’s wrong, to use someones love. But i’m too weak to break someone’s heart.

E-T and I had a pretty decent night. It was actually pretty good. I miss the times with her, I mean, she was my best friend since 6th grade and one day I suddenly gets exchanged for a guy. What happened to broes before hoes?

We watched three movies, one on my computer. (+ tons of Mcfly clips).’

Was gonna take pictures of my new clothes, but since that includes underwear I skipped that. Don’t wanna publish any pornpictures.

Talking to D-W. Truth comes out, he was jealous of B. Explains his weird behavior the latest days. I asked if I can live with him if I go to Germany this summer. He just laughed at me.

Saying goodnight now with B in my mind. Btw, First day i’ve haven’t text Z-H. I just too sick of him, we’ve talked for EVERY FUCKIN’ DAY SINCE SEPTEMBER.

I just realised it takes me about.. an hour to write a post since i’m distracted by tv and MSN

I posted my pictures over on Flickr at the right times, but neglected ye olde blog. Here are the pictures for the rest of the week.

day 5: silver theme

Don’t be alarmed. Officer Hubster let me play with his toys. I didn’t really get arrested.

I did however manage to castrate the male part of my tripod so that my camera is permanently … screwed. (I find that lame jokes are my way of dealing with frustrating situations.)

Any tips on fixing this situation?

day 6: T’was The Night Before Christmas

Our Christmas traditions so far have largely incorporated traveling. This is the first year since we’ve been married where Santa will find us sleeping in our own beds! The stockings are hung. The new kitchen set is assembled.

There is one tradition that we’ve maintained through the years though. Even with all of the travel. Hubster always reads the Christmas story from the Bible on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

day 7: Santa Knows Where I Live

My Christmas toys included a 3 piece studio lighting kit! I am stoked about putting it to good use. But first I need to take a nap! Merry Christmas!!!

It’s been a lovely run and I can’t wait to see you all again in the spring!

Me and B are broken up. Tried to call him all morning and text him but he didn’t answer.  So exactly at 12.12 I sent
“We’re over.”

I actually hurts more than I thought it would do. Maybe I liked him more than I thought and just took him for granted. I don’t know, I’m just too tired to think about it.

Well, shopping spree was pretty okay. First we ate lunch and talked about old memories. Then we went to the first store where E-R was suppose to buy lingerie. She was in the fu@!§%ing  store for an hour. ONE HOUR?! TO BUY LINGERIE?! I also bought some underwear. I picked them out in 15 minutes. BUT it cost me … hm… about 40 euro. Then I bought two pairs of jeans, and a shirt for my dad to his birthday on Thursday. The final cost for the day ended up in 13o euro. Painful…

No rehearsal. But i’m waiting for E-T now to come so we can go rent Angus, thongs and something snuggle. Only for Aaron Johnson

Wow, today is my first social day with someone. I hope I haven’t lost my ability to talk or act like a human been. Like, when we eat lunch, I eat with my hands and wipe myself with my shirt. Okay, maybe that’s not so likely but I’ll never know.

Well, I’m going with E-R and J-I to eat lunch and shopping. I’m mostly in it for the company and the fact that I haven’t spent time with them since may 2008. Isn’t that pretty tragic?
Yea, truth comes out. I’m in it for the lunch too.

Woke up exactly 10:22 when it was suppose to be 9. but apparently i’ve been snoozing for one and a half hour.  So i’m pretty late since I took a 30 min shower.  I’m supose to meet them in 20 minutes… I should start moving my ass from the couch.

Btw, I’ve also got band rehearsal right after and then tonight i’m gonna be with E-T. (Yes, the girl who was my best friend until she ditched me for a guy. Lovely friendship…)

Lovestatus: B still doesn’t talk to me. I hate it. Maybe I should break up, I don’t fit in to the part as a girlfriend.

I’ve always (Not always but it sounds better in that sentence) wanted a lip piercing.  Like a ring on the left side. On guys I think that’s toootally sexy. I don’t think i’ve ever told anyone that.

But I can’t get that since I have some skin disease that makes piercing become scars (dont remember the name), I can’t have piercings. Not even in my ears.

Watching hockey at the moment. And getting ignored by D-W. Don’t like any of the teams that are playing, just watching since it doesn’t seem like there’s anything better on tv.

If I believed in god, i’d probably think he created me to forever be single. I’m not meant to be in a relationship, ’cause I SUCK AT IT. I SERIOUSLY SUCK AT IT.

B called me yesterday like 10 minutes after I fell asleep. I asked him if he wanted someone else. Not as girlfriend, but as someone he could talk sex with, ’cause i can’t give him that. I’m not that interested in sex and he has like hundreds of girls on msn who wants to have sex with him that he can talk to. But he got mad. Totally mad.
Then I said that I can’t stay in this relationship with someone who lives 80 miles away. He hung up. Today he doesn’t answer my calls. Or text. Anyone have an idea what I should do?

At the moment I’m watching Ghostbusters with my brother. I love that movie.

Moodstatus: Neutral. Don’t really feel anything.

I don’t have friends anymore  – They have all turned them self to bitchy girls who think they own the world.

My guyfriends are just like them – Think they own the world.

But WTF people, get down to earth. I don’t know how close to the ground they have to come to realize it doesn’t spin for or around them.

And the fact that i’m the only one in my network (except for the three persons in my band) who doesn’t drink don’t really help.

I hate B for living like 80 mile away. I hate that he isn’t here to hold me. I hate that my bed feels so big after we’ve talked on the phone. I hate that I don’t love him

I’ve always hated Sundays. If they’re bad when it’s holiday, they’re even worse on schoolweeks. The bathing sucked, and we went on a restaurant afterwards. I was pissed at my parents since they just… I hate them for not getting divorced and I hate them for not trying to fix their marriage. They were totally arguing the whole morning and yea, it’s hard sometimes. But imagen how mad I was at the resturant when my mum suddenly notice the two guys i’ve been watching who at this point has moved to the bar, just a few meters from our table. She wasn’t very discreet when she tells me “I think those two guys are checking you out”.

Band-rehearsal cancelled. Drummer had an argument with his parents so he couldn’t make it, and I wasn’t that excited about going there by myself. Thinking about writing some music later instead.

What the hell am I doing with my life?
Source: Asos.com

I often wish I was a guy. They seem to have it easier AND better looking clothes. Love the t-shirts with the prints. (Yes, I bought the tshirt on the pic)

We had whole december to look forward to christmas. I was totally prepared in the middle of November already, but now it’s just sad that christmas is over. I miss those days when I was maybe 12 and christmas was just three weeks of endless happiness. Now, we had The day before christmas. Christmas eve. Christmas Day. Boxing Day. And then three days of total boredom until New years eve, and new years day. And then it’s back to normal days.

Last night was a late night, I was up until 4 and talked with both D-W and B. I also bought some underwear from H&M and a sextoy. B was at a friend’s house  until like 2am so I found a dildo that I actually liked.

Thought it looked kinda… fun? Haha, well you live once right? So I ordered it.
Well, except from my weird internetshopping, I also made a fool of myself.  I told D-W that i’m in love with him. He didn’t seem to get it, so I almost screamed it out. I don’t even wanna talk about his reaction but I must say, i’m humiliated forever and further until I die.

Today’s plans are actually social. Going to the public bathhouse thingy (which is totally unneccessary since I have period, duh) with my family because they’re forcing me. They could might as well hold a gun to my head. After that I have bandrehersal with the drummer since rest of the band is out-of-town. Or at least E-S. M-M is with a friend who’s only here for a couple of days. I think the drummer has a small crush on me. He’s … always watching me while we’re rehearsing which is totally disturbing, and make a weird smile.

Now we’re going, y-a-a-y. *cough*

Title: ยิ่งใกล้กันยิ่งกลั้นใจ / Ying Glai Gun Ying Glun Jai (The Closer We Are, The More My Heart Pounds)
Artist: Seven Days
Album: Seven Days
Year: 2009

ทุกครั้งที่เจอเขา ก็ยังต้องฝืนใจ
took krang tee jer kao gor yang dtong feun jai
Every time I see him, I still have to force myself
ทนเก็บ ความรู้สึก ไว้ข้างใน ทุกที
ton gep kwaam roo-seuk wai kaang nai took tee
To endure keeping the feelings inside, every time
ไม่กล้าสบตาเขา เมื่อเราก็รู้ดี
mai glaa sop dtaa kao meua rao gor roo dee
I’m not brave enough to look him in the eye when I know well
ในลม ที่หายใจ แต่ละที ยังมีเขาอยู่ตรงทุกที่ ในใจ
nai lom tee haai jai dtae la tee yang mee kao yoo dtrong took tee nai jai
In the wind of my breath, each time still has him every time in my heart

* ยิ่งใกล้กัน ก็ยิ่งต้องกลั้นใจ ซ่อนไว้ทุกความไหวหวั่น
ying glai gan gor ying dtong glan jai son wai took kwaam wai wan
The closer we get, the more I have to hold my breath, hiding everything nervously
ห้ามเท่าไร ใจก็สั่น แค่พบกัน แทบหยุดหายใจ
haam tao-rai jai gor san kae pop gan taep yoot haai jai
However much I forbid it, my heart pounds, just meeting together nearly stopped my breath
ยิ่งใกล้กัน ก็ยิ่งต้องกล้ำกลืน จะฝืนผ่านไปได้ไหม
ying glai gan gor ying dtong glam gleun ja feun paan bpai daai mai
The closer we get, the more I have to suppress this, I’ll force myself to make it through, okay?
น้ำตาเอ๋ย ได้โปรดเถอะนะ อย่าไหล
naam dtaa oie daai bproht te na yaa lai
Oh, tears, oyy, please, don’t fall
เก็บเอาไว้ร้องไห้คนเดียว
gep ao wai rong-hai kon dieow
Keep in my crying alone

ทั้งรู้ว่าตัวเขา ก็คงไม่หันมา
tang roo waa dtua kao gor kong mai han maa
Though I know he probably won’t look my way
มีแต่ เราที่เจ็บ เสียน้ำตา เพื่อใคร
mee dtae rao tee jep sia nam dtaa peua krai
There’s only me, hurting, crying for someone
ก็รู้ต้องลืมเขา ไม่เห็นหรือเขารักคนใหม่
gor roo dtong leum kao mai hen reu kao rak kon mai
I know I have to forget him, does he not see, or does he love someone else?
คงเหลือแต่ เราใช่ไหม ที่มันยังทำใจไม่ไหวจริงๆ
kong leua dtae rao chai mai tee man yang tam jai mai wai jing-jing
I’m probably left with just me, right? Who’s still can’t accept it

(*, *)

Oooh Fuck.
Is there anything like “emotional cheating”? In that case, I think i’ve done it…  Am I even allowed to cheat? Can I even call me and B a couple since we just became it yesterday, (still, for the fourth time in one year) does it mean I dont love him? Well, ofcourse I know I don’t love him but…

It was when I was talking to D-W. Ofcourse, he’s the one pulling the other side of my heart, and he made me jealous by saying “A cute girl just came in” (He’s working at the reception, and was on msn on cell). We started discussing and I said:
“Actually, D**** I like you, a lot.”
After that there was just tons of hearts and… I don’t know, is that cheating? Should I tell B? Because I do like D-W more than B, just that… D-W doesn’t live in the same country as me. At least I’ve hold myself from physical cheating, I’ve always hated relationships. When I was with J-H it lasted one week since I cheated with O-M, It was two years ago and I blame it on that I was young and stupid. But I get this… claustrophobic feeling to be someone elses. That’s why I haven’t got any long relationships in my bagage.
At least this is what i’m telling myself. If I dig deeper i’m sure i’ll find a more logic soulution that includes childhood and blablabla.

B just texted me and he’s at a friends house. Wow, he has friends. And I thought his life was just engines and working without social life. When he gets home, we’re gonna look for a sextoy. He was gonna send me one but apparently he regret it since I said i’d kill him if he did. Instead, we’re gonna pick one together today. Don’t know what I was thinking about when I said it to him, maybe captured by the moment?

Boogie-Breaker. That’s the one he want me to buy, since “It sooooo alike his own”.

Wow, talk about ROMANTIC!

Just woke up, first time on the whole holiday I’ve woken up after 11. I even think it’s the first time since this summer, all the weekends during the year has been early nights so I could do more under the day. But some time has to be the first.

I thought of B before I went to bed. I told myself I would be honest, but I actually lied twice yesterday – both times to B.
- First time was when I said I like him. Thats not true. I realised that this morning since I had a wage feeling of guilt. I’m fooling him. I tried to tell him that I think he deserves someone who can love him the way he love me, but he didn’t listen. So I said I like him just not that much.
- Second lie was when he asked if I’ve had phone sex with anyone ever. I said Yes.  Mostly ’cause …I don’t know actually. If I had told this to someone else, like a friend, then I would say “because I wanted to make him jealous” but that’s not true.
Thinking about letting him come up maybe next week. Truth is, I’m scared. If he comes, we’re gonna have sex and then f@#¤§ing what? Like I would give my virginity to him…

Done with talk about B now or else i’m gonna be one of those girls who are more like stalker than girlfriends. (WOW, it felt weird writing girlfriend… )

Today my BEAUTIFUL homework are waiting for me. Something about economy and a fiction family with an economic situation I’m suppose to solve. Don’t feel i’m in mood for that so I guess it’s musictime instead. I wanna finish at least two songs during these free weeks and maybe present them to the band. I’ve got a massive pianointro to one of them, and I get goosebumps just talking about it. Haha, I just remembered it’s Day Five of the holiday and I haven’t had a social company since monday.  I’ll try to return to social life next week, just not in mood now.

I should sleep, That’s what I told B when I talked to him a few minutes ago. (Kinda exactly, since I went on the comp seconds after we hung up).

Wow, Hannah has got herself a boyfriend. And wow, It’s B again. Second time this f@¤”#§ing week. But this time it’s different. (I keep it as a mantra in my bad moments). He called me, we talked and… in the middle of everything he said “I have a suggestion”.
“Fine?” I said. Didn’t have so high expectations if I may say so since most of his suggestions includes sex.
“If I stop being so cold hearted and… soulless… If I try to care more and be myself, like I am now…. Would you wanna be mine?”

I stopped breathing for a while there. When we’re broken up, I bet i’m gonna read this and think i was so tragical and stupid who didn’t get what a loser he is. But I actually think he has changed. A bit at least. (read: hoping)

But i’m still not sure about this… distance thing. I mean, he’s talking about coming up on weekends and spending as much time as possible but I need someone I can go to whenever I want, and don’t feel forced to be with just because he’s coming. But at the moment i’m like a 10 year old with a crush. Too bad he couldn’t be here to hold me…

Btw, we made a rule since he knows i’m suckish at relationships.
- No cheating. Cheating count as kissing and phone sex.

Well.. To be continued…

He admitted that he had been hurt by me in past… I’ve made him cry… Dont really believe him tho.

Wow, this feels like a productive day. Mum just asked me if I wanna go with her for a walk, but it’s -15 degrees outside and i’m already freezing now so it’s not so tempting. But I guess it wasn’t for the excercise she wanted to go, it’s just ’cause she wants to talk. Ask why i’ve been so down lately. What am I suppose to say? ” ’cause half of my friends suck, I only fall in love with guys that lives at least 60 miles away aaand I hate puberty since it seems to give me scars for life”

Now i’m watching ‘Home alone 4′. After a failed attempt last year, I’ll try to see ALL of the Home Alone movies, but I mean, how many are they? THEY NEVER END!  But while i’m watching little Kevin destroy his stepmothers house i’m trying to squeeze (funny word) some lyrics. I have a melody, but I still need some killer-lyrics. Thinking about some theme like in the piece I wrote for a couple of weeks ago. Different subject from what I otherwise write about.

Young and restlesss, made it on a distance way.
After all the struggle, remember we’re still okay.
For the once who said we’ll never make it.
Here’s your ‘normal’, we’re gonna break it.
you picked your situations and choosed your fight.
But we won, and now we’re alright.

Worst night this month at least. Have my period (yes, I bet that’s why i’m so easily teased) and woke up around 5am and had to change clothes and sheets. Had these weird dreams about the band There for Tomorrow and that I was late to tons of meetings and I was so stressed. Ironic since I have holiday now and the last thing I need to do is stress.

Dad just came in and said he and mum “forgot to tell me” that they’ve put in money on my account to buy clothes as a christmasgift. Yeah… made of guilt I guess. They still don’t get it. I haven’t bought clothes since… I was with mum on a shoppingweekend for a month ago. Before that, I barely bought clothes since the summer of the simple reason I’M NOT INTO CLOTHES. I might be the black sheep in the female rase, but I’m not intrested in clothes, or fashion or matching outfits every day.
I’m not mad at my parents tho, even if i wish they knew me better.

At the moment i’m listening to This is War and I must say… I’M IMPRESSED. Totally killing songs with “Hurricane” and “This is War”

Btw, I’m trying so hard to be honest here. Even if I know that people who read it doesn’t know me or that friends and family will never find here it’s still… I’ve always been a liar. Just to protect myself, ’cause the truth often hurt. Example, of the guys i’ve been with. I have lied about them, both exaggerated and hide information. To make things better than they were, and hide things that were worse. I know I hate liars myself so i’ve promised myself to stop lie. I will because from now on i’m gonna write down here, in the most honest place in my life, all my lies and the truth behind them. ‘Cause… I’m only human.

It’s 2am in the morning/night? Started thinking about the day.

The day started of  pretty good with epic christmas feelings but the disappointment of that my own family didn’t know me, was pretty heartbreaking. I have hard to lie about emotions and feelings so I couldn’t help being a bit moody now in the evening. But entirely seen, I think it was a good christmas with the food and the friends.

While I washed my face from makeup my phone started ringing. It was B who wanted to talk. He said he was sorry, and we started talking. Felt like a relationship after a while, and when I say that I mean a relationship with two people just… talking about everything with small butterflies in the stomach. But his money ran out and I didn’t have any on my so we texted instead. Then he started with the sex again and he said he was… yea you know. I hate it when he does like that. He has also sent a gift, so he expected arrival tomorrow or friday. I already know what it is. A Sextoy. Yes. Exactly what I wanted. Idiot

But weird thing is that when I talk to B at the same time as D-W, D-W fades away. Maybe ’cause they are so different and D-W are so complicated and… confusing. B just tells me what he wants and D-W just send different hints and… I CANT TAKE THIS COMPLICATED SHIT ANYMORE. Why dont I become a lesbian right away? I’m gonna be alone for the rest of the week. Need some time for myself and… to clear my thoughts without anyone.

Christmas 2009

D-W and I just had a small argue… If this continue, I dont know if I can take it. He’ll never like me the way I like him

Wow. Now christmas eve is over. And… what remains?
I guess I sound like a spoiled child, and i’m feeling bad for even thinking of this. But… Okay.

First we went to grandpa’s apartment for watching Donald Duck. He has problems with his back so he couldn’t come to our house. When I handed over his gifts that we’ve bought to him he started crying. I can’t take seeing people cry, especially not close friends or family; it’s like ripping out a piece of my heart. Then we went home and ate the traditional christmas dinner with thousands of different dishes (I only eat half of it, i’m only human) and after that, it was presents.

That’s the thing, I should be happy and ecstatic but… i’m not. I didn’t wish for anything for christmas except some cd’s that i got. (30 seconds to mars new album ‘this is war’ and their old ‘platina collection thing’ and an album with The offsprings. except that I got… stuff i’m not even gonna use. Well, I got a cute umbrella from M-M that I actually loved, and a f@#¤ing  beautiful scarf from E-S. And things from my parents like “a comfort-thing to have under your laptop” and  a book  “Things every person should know” with facts like ‘how big is the earths landmass?’ and ‘who was Alfred Nobel?’. Also, a lock when i’m at the gym to my locker and… I don’t know. I feel like a stupid spoiled child, and I know i’m acting like one.
Just that, i’ve put so much effort in my family and friends gifts, and their gifts were just.. bought. One thing really touched me tho, it was the necklace my brother gave me. perfect for me, like he knew me. But the other gifts from my family was things I’d never wish for and… felt like of the million things I like and are interested in, they didn’t know what I like.

I talked to D-W earlier. Some reason, he makes me… I don’t know, melt every time we talk. So it’s reasoned that I miss him every time we don’t talk. One thing he said earlier that got stuck in my brain was when I said
- You’re on the top of my wishlist this years <3
He answered, totally serious.
- Maybe it still comes true ;p haha
I  know i’m a overanalyser but.. Yeah I don’t know. If some other guy had written that to me (B for example) I would probably go and puke behind the couch but this time it’s different. Maybe ’cause I know I can’t get him and that even if I do, it won’t work over the distance. Typical of me huh?

Now i’m gonna go and smile over my gifts and pretend it was the best things I could ever get. Merry-Fucking-Christmas

I wanna wish you  a sick Merry fucking christmas! <3

Quote by J-H

Aaah, today it’s finally christmas. Woke up at 9.30 with the thought that “Santa Claus is coming today”. I’m not sure of traditions in other countries but where I live, we celebrate christmas on christmas eve. So I got up and made myself ready. Yesterday, when I was cleaning my room yesterday I found a brooch my grandmother gave my years ago so im wearing it today with a cardigan I was suppose to give her on her birthday two years ago. When she died she had shrinked to my size.

Just when I finished that paragraph (above) we opened one present each like every christmas. My dad got some matches and this ball you shake and it falls down snow on a moose. My mom got slippers and my brother these headphone for the computer with mic (It makes him look like a receptionist). I got 30 Seconds to Mars “old” album. Love them. My phone is clicking for texts all the time with christmasgreetings. I just heard from J-H who I haven’t heard from since we had a stupid argue for a couple of months ago. But i’m still waiting for the right person to say “Merry christmas”…

Putting up some pic I took this morning.

Our beautiful christmastree that me and best friend E-S decorated.

And Snow, ’cause yes. we have snow.