After months of letters, phone calls, and pleas for to Janey to intervene, finally I asked for a meeting. They might be happy to play unreasonable by post, I reasoned, but it would much harder for them to do it in person.

I stayed calm, and simply explained that I wasn’t going to go and blow the money in the south of France. That my childcare costs were astronomical, by the time I’d paid Rachel and paid for her overnight stays whilst I was away with work. And that was before any thought of college education costs in the future.

I said, look, it’s not anyone’s fault that Jenny died.

But her children need you to be fair now if they are to have the upbringing that she had planned.

The company never explained why they wouldn’t honour Janey’s agreement, and legally they just didn’t have to. Fairness could be sacrificed to save money.

Eventually, their letter arrived, offering a final small increase. My advisor said, it’s not fair, but you’ll have to accept it, and so I did.

It was hard to retain any affection for the company after that, however much Jenny had loved working there. It would have been marvellous to say – yes, it was terrible what happened, but Jenny’s company was fantastic.

Instead, we had to fight them every step of the way for what they gave us.

Why did they behave like that, I asked myself. Well, they were all men. Jenny worked, and they had wives at home. She was on maternity leave when her health failed, and with me working they didn’t see it as a hardship case.

I guess that the money looked good, until you thought of the commitments involved.

And until you remembered that it was Jenny’s money, not mine.

Above all it was money for her kids, and she’d have been hopping mad to have been treated like that.

Solutions to Years of High Stress and Burnout

The world around us is changing fast, Most do notice some changes already yet few of us realise how fast or how deep the changes are going to be. There are changes happening behind the scenes and in front of our very eyes yet who realises the consequences. Top thinkers in commerce, stock market analysis, universities and governments all agree that the 2008 -2009 financial crisis has changed the world already, yet we have so far only seen the tip of the iceberg. It is generally recognised by think tanks around the globe that we are entering a new era with particular concern with social patterns, needs and demands. These changes will certainly affect how we perceive jobs, finances, responsibility and new creativity and most important, our own very special future. In fact it is realised that more things will change than one can reasonably think of. As change is the most stressful event in our lives stress levels across the board can be expected to rise substantially. Therefore there is no time to loose if you want to be ontop of the pile not underneath.

Here are some reasons why change is stressful. 1. We do not like it. 2. We do not want it. 3. It has come at the wrong time.  4. It benefits others more than ourselves. 5. It is in the wrong place. 6. We do not understand it. 7 We do not trust it. 8. We are frightened of it. We do not understand why we have to change. How many other reasons can you think of?

All the above examples build resistance in our thoughts. We may go along with change and inside we are fighting it. This is only one of many reasons why changing behaviour is difficult thus, one of the more persistent reasons for emotional friction and then emotional stress.

Within the above two paragraphs is are two most important keys to moving out of stress or healing burnout.

Another reason it is difficult to make changes is that we have put a great deal of effort into creating thinking pathways and behaviour programs to achieve a reasonable skill at achieving the old and trusted behaviours. These existing and established thinking and behaviour patterns or programs have become automatic. Therefore to change behaviours it is necessary to disconnect the old patterns at the same time as learning the new. Mostly we go about this change process in the most complex and self limiting way. Thus, hardly surprising we find change to be a difficult process to master quickly.

Stress has been around since the cave man, never before have stress levels been as high as we head towards 2010. An extraordinarily high level of suicides amongst employees of France Telecom has galvanized the attention of the press and the public to realize the enormity of the high stress problem. Now that reporters have really got their teeth into the subject new information of other companies including the police services, have confirmed unusually high suicide statistics.

Because it has been ignored or deliberately covered up by the likes of France Telecom, clearly the high stress, overwhelming stress and total burnout, not to forget job related suicide figures are going to rocket before they begin reducing. This is partly because new cases will be reported more keenly by the media where as before they largely went unreported in the general media.

The overall situation is serious for the past, present and foreseeable future. The problem is that levels of stress are so elevated compared to only 30 years ago thus, using 30 year old stress relief methods now has little or no effect as they no longer meet the need. Not only has the stress risen the reasons for the stress have changed.

Up to and including the fist world war leading nations were fighting wars with redundant technology and strategies. In the aftermath it was realised that millions of soldiers died because of antiquated battle planning. After the first World War all that changed and there was a push to creating better armaments and fighting methods to cope with a new world of war. The push for better fighter airplanes is estimated to have advanced aircraft design and technology by more than 50 or 60 years in the course of the 2^nd World War. Much the same syndrome applies to overwhelming stress. The terrain has changed and our thinking has to change to be ahead of the situation, not as a faulty knee jerk reaction after the event with inadequate methods to counter the trend, rather by new thinking about how best to resolve this serious problem.

Overwhelming stress is an extreme emotion. That extreme emotion is driven by a disparity between old beliefs and values and new demands that require new thinking patterns with appropriate beliefs and values to match the changed map or environment. The disparity is accentuated by fear, a lack of communication (a paradox in an age of high speed communication systems), wrong information, deliberate misinformation, the difficulty even the impossibility to talk to suppliers ( one of the highest stressors especially for those not deeply understanding of modern internet marketing methods). Promises that turn out to be nothing but fickle lies occurs even in the case of what are serious companies. Is this intended? No, it is the reaction of people like you and me who simply cannot cope anymore but have to make an effort to maintain some sense of normality when things are actually disintegrating at an alarming pace. Promises of quality or delivery dates that may come from a genuine intention at the outset are sabotaged by numerous people in the pipeline of delivery and events or circumstances that the instigator had or has no idea about also has little control over. This situation is made even worse by the ease with which anyone can set up a business on the internet. All we see is a website that makes endless promises, few of which actually materalise. All this helps to create an air of distrust and fear of being cheated.

The real performers of this new age are those that do their job and float above the sea of change and stress that eventually pulls and will continue to pull most down. How do they do this? Well, they have either studied it, worked it out for themselves or it happened by default, intuition awareness. They first worked out that they were experiencing higher levels of stress than usual. They worked out why and that that was not what they wanted. Then they decided what they had to do to change the situation. The question is, how do they break through the resistance barrier, which leads to stress? The answer is they don’t. They simply step over it. The choice every time was to ditch old thinking and behaviour patterns that actually did not work and create new ones that support their objectives in this new world. More information about this important key to good management of stressful situations can be obtained free by contacting info@build4u.ch

Sounds easy does it not? Well it is so difficult that perhaps 99.9% of the worlds population cannot do it despite trying. The problem with self support of this kind is that in the large majority of cases old thinking patterns propagate new thinking patterns that are actually exactly the same as the old. Thus, change does not happen and the stress gets worse because a greater sense of frustration adds to the existing high stress.

To prove this I would like you to think of a simple task you do everyday and sometimes several times a day. Something simple like putting socks on or make-up or after shave lotion or anything that you have to do and do more or less effortlessly and automatically. When you have chosen what this will be observe the sequence of what you do. Notice the pattern of behaviour that is repeated every time automatically. Notice also what else you are doing at the same time. Perhaps you are thinking about your day ahead, a meeting or some other thoughts that occupy your conscious mind while almost unconsciously you carry out your familiar task.

The observation of the default or habitual behaviour pattern is important. For example it is well known that the large majority of people when putting socks on put a sock on their left foot before the right. Observe your familiar pattern. Now reverse the process if you put a sock on the left foot first make a point of putting the sock on the right foot first and left foot second. If you usually put after shaving lotion on the right cheek first change that putting it on the left cheek first. If you start by putting your make-up on one side first change that to the other.

If you are serious about this exercise and really want to understand the difficulty to change you will find that to make this simple change regularly it will take 3 to 4 weeks before you do it automatically and even then you will find that you revert to the old behaviour from time to time especially when your mind is occupied with pressing or worrying mattes.

Here is the strange thing. As you make this deliberate change you will begin to have fears whether it is lucky or unlucky to change.  You may have other fears that come to mind. Yes, fears. You see the majority of us are frightened of change albeit that may be more subconscious than conscious awareness. Frightened to change the way you put socks on. Frightened to do a new and different job in their department. Frightened to change department. Frightened to change their job even though they have come to hate it daily.

Today I read an article in a newspaper explaining how a young energetic and confident engineer had been promoted with a substantial salary increase. The man became so frightened of the increased responsibility and making mistakes he began to imagine all sorts of dreadful things were going to happen. His energy and confidence left him as his perception became only tall blank walls and no doors. He became so nervous he began to make the mistakes he was afraid of making. His fear based focus was so emotionally powerful that he created his own future of making mistakes in a short time frame.

Fear and its associated derivatives are the greatest cause of high stress, overwhelming stress and burnout. Remember what I said at the beginning of this article, stress is an emotion. If you live with high stress and allow this emotion of stress to destroy your life that is sad indeed. Yes, only you allow that to happen. Somewhere and some time we all choose to change or to struggle on. The only sustainable solution is to change with the times and the times demand that we all change the support beliefs and values that used to work 30 years ago. For sure, most of them do not work today and certainly will not work in the very close future.

Janice, one of my clients is a company manager, each month she had to attend a directors meeting that she feared from the end of one meeting to the next. She was beginning to see herself loosing her job. Then one day she got news that one director wanted to get rid of her. She had the sense to know she needed help. A 30 minute training to fill in some missing information about her role at those meetings with coaching to practice the necessary changes in thinking patterns turned her life around. After that she took her leadership and took control of the meetings. The director who wanted her fired mysteriously resigned. Six years later she has not looked back and enjoys every aspect of her work.

My solution to recognising and making necessary change to achieve the success you have always dreamed of also reducing and managing stess is the Phoenix Solution. The Phoenix Solution is a program of training and coaching that will guide you to examine all your beliefs and values, find which to keep and which to up-grade.

As you will be reading this on a computer screen you will know how important it is to regularly up-grade your computer programs. When did you last up-grade your beliefs, values and behaviour thinking patterns?

I am a staunch believer that one can take a horse to water but cannot make it drink. Yes there is a cost, there is a cost for everything especially if it is worth while. Usually I find that the money is not the question it is either a fear of change of a lack of confidence, which means fear of the future. Therefore the choice is yours, live under fear and stress or float to the surface. Sometimes I ask myself why is it so difficult for a drowning man to take the courage to kick to the surface and live or why is it that good people allow themselves to be sucked into suicide.  The answers are always the same; they are locked into one thinking pattern that is inevitably taking them down by virtue of what they believe to be true yet to others those things do not exist.

Send your request for my free report on guidelines that the successful movers and shakers of past and present use to create new successes one after the other.

E-mail: info@build4u.ch for your free copy 

This free offer is open until the 30 January 2010

I know that to overcome fear of something new, one needs to build confidence. So what I am doing is to offer the first two sessions free. The first lesson is how to change thinking patterns about fear itself. Can you imagine how your life can change in a positive way when you change a fear, doubt and worry, all derivatives of fear into welcoming fear? This exercise opens doors of possibility you could not imagine in the mid set of fearing fear.  Then, if and only if you are convinced you can learn to swim in troubled waters with a new confidence you might choose to complete the course. Just remember nothing is going to change without you wanting to change and then taking the first step. It is your choice all the way down the line. Those choices are the blue print guidelines for your future. Thus it is really important to make the best choices as soon as possible.

For more information about the Phoenix Solution contact me at robertdenton@rdcoaching-power.com

The Phoenix Solution  basic course in thinking patterns. $470 US

The Phoenix Solution  intermediary course   $ 1,640 US

The Phoenix Solution  advanced course  $3,279 US

Yes that is an exposed wire sitting in a pool of water.

F.Y.I. This was at the Brooklyn King Con this year. Brooklyn is dangerous if you’re not wearing your rubbers. RUBBER BOOTS YOU PERV!!

Alicia Keys’ new album The Element Of Freedom comes after her biggest success so far, As I Am, in a career which hasn’t had any troughs or lows to date.  Every album she’s released, from Songs In A Minor to the present has explored depth and soul, has combined traditional elements of R&B with current, up to date production and lyrical exploration of love, loss and self-esteem in a genuinely mature fashion that is beyond Keys’ years.  She’s consistently walked the fine line between critical and commercial success, effectively having her cake and eating it since 2002.  Alicia Keys plays the piano like a professional, but is not an entertainer who hides behind her instrument – she takes risks, sings and dances on stage, and has always commanded respect with an element of political and social awareness to boot.  So what does her new album bring to the table?

Like Rihanna’s Rated R, The Element Of Freedom is impossible to divorce from the singer’s personal life context. Keys has suffered some backlash for her love affair with separated-but-not-divorced super-producer Swizz Beatz.  Fans have turned away from Keys’ maturity and moral standpoints expressed in her material to date, saying that she was phony, that she was no better than the singers who dressed and acted like hos, and the lackluster success (i.e. it didn’t shoot straight to #1 as people presumed it would) of first single “Doesn’t Mean Anything” is perhaps because of this.  Despite a simple yet effective video which sticks to the album concept of being free of material things and going beyond all boundaries, the song was solid but seemed like a softer retread of her previous hit “No One”.  Nevertheless, especially since I’m certainly not in a position to judge Keys’ being in love with a man who is attached, the music is far from bad, and second single “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart” as well as her collaborations with Jay-Z, “Empire State Of Mind (Parts 1 & 2)” seem to be coming closer to replicating her usual success.

Here’s to hoping that The Element Of Freedom continues Keys’ string of successes.  Alicia said of the album that “”The way that the songs progress are gonna take you on a natural high. I just want you to feel a sense of freedom, I want you to feel out-of-the-box, feel inspired, You’re definitely going to be taken on a trip, I know you’re going to be shocked, you’re going to hear things that you probably didn’t think that I would sound like. It’s a journey.”  Some of this I agree with, some of it I don’t hear myself.  ”Doesn’t Mean Anything” and “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart” both build to exhilarating climaxes, not because the music is especially bombastic (it’s anything but, though “Broken Heart” has a compelling drum loop that comes closer to bringing Kanye West’s 808 fascination into the 21st century than he himself seems to be able to manage).  Standout tracks “That’s How Strong My Love Is”, “Love Is My Disease”, “Distance And Time” and closer “Empire State Of Mind (Part II)” all employ soaring melodies that propel the listener to think and to ride their own emotions; Keys’ production and piano backing compliment each song without ever taking centre stage (as happened on occasion in her first two albums).  Its undeniable that Alicia Keys knows how to write a song, knows how to sing a song and knows how to express a song even with a voice that sometimes is limited – she wrings the emotion out of every syllable be it with a whisper (“Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart”) or a throaty, heartfelt plea (“Love Is My Disease”).

So the album is solid – but is it really that different?  As I Am saw Keys taking risks and incorporating traditional pop and even rock elements into her smoky R&B soul with stellar results (as well as a couple of lackluster songs), and that sound continues here, but in places incorporating 80s drums and synths – this sound is definitely in vogue (I still struggle to understand why), but at least Alicia Keys sounds less like she is pandering to fashion than most artists – again, this is tribute to her genuine musicianship.  I find it hard to say that I am “shocked” by anything on this album – ok, for the first time her intro is a spoken-word explanation of the album title and concept rather than a pianist showcase.  Her collaboration with Beyoncé, “Put It In A Love Song”, is fun and the closest Keys has ever come to club-ready, and Beyoncé’s voice and swagger doesn’t dominate the song as I might have feared – the two artists compliment each other perfectly and adeptly ride the compelling bassline. But here is where the surprises end – opening track “Love Is Blind” performs the same function as previous opening tracks “Go Ahead”, “Karma” and “Girlfriend”, in that they are uptempo, loop-driven productions that display the singer’s confidence before she delves into her vulnerability later in the album.  ”Unthinkable (I’m Ready)” sounds almost too similar to The Diary Of Alicia Keys‘ “Slow Down”, and while “This Bed” provides an interesting diversion on Freedom, its The-Dream-esque synths and piano are really echoing Prince (which is 80% of what The-Dream does anyway) – and Alicia Keys already covered Prince at the start of her career (“How Come U Don’t Call Me”).  The album ends on a legitimate high with “How It Feels To Fly” and “Empire State Of Mind” exploring her ideals of freedom, exhilaration and expressing her love for New York – but she’s even played those cards before, at the end of As I Am (“Sure Looks Good To Me”) and The Diary (“Streets Of New York”).

As stated earlier, the most interesting aspect of the album, lyrically speaking, is matching the songs to Alicia Keys’ newly revealed love for Swizz Beatz, never mind his marriage.  Her feelings about it resonate through the titles – “Love Is Blind”, “That’s How Strong My Love Is”, “Love Is My Disease” and particularly “Unthinkable”.  Lyrics such as “Some people might call me crazy for falling in love with you” (“That’s How Strong My Love Is”) and “I’m wondering maybe could I make you my baby / If we do the unthinkable, would it make us go crazy? / If you ask me, I’m ready” (“Unthinkable”) speak for themselves.  Obviously, as members of the public there’s only so much we know about the situation, and only a certain percentage of that is remotely true – but the artists put their souls on a record and we can’t help but speculate, at the same time as we feel the songs and apply them to our own lives and emotions.

So The Element Of Freedom is, generally, more of the same from Alicia Keys.  It’s not nearly as risky as Keys herself might proclaim, and it’s not the best album of 2009, but it does provide some moments of genuine exhilaration, and there are plenty of strong tracks to make the weaker ones (“Like The Sea”, “Wait Til You See My Smile”) nothing to gripe about.  What’s more, Keys has found some freedom in being brave enough to write about her love and experiences in a new way – and if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past three months, it’s that love is stronger than anything and I can feel most of what she’s singing about.  Her piano playing compliments the songs without ever becoming a gimmick.  And anyway, after all, if Alicia Keys is providing more of the same, she’s still doing a damn sight better than your average R&B chick.  The lyrics are still simple but deep, the music is still soulful yet current, the songs are still well-written and hooky.  I believe Keys has a better album in her yet (The Diary Of Alicia Keys is still my personal favourite), but I thoroughly commend her for not dipping in quality throughout the past 7 years.

The night is cold, and my inbox is empty. Its funny how the little things get to you after a while: the constant dripping of a faucet, the absence of text messages after a 6 hour shift. Everyone needs someone to love; I’m thoroughly convinced of that, and yet despite this knowledge I find myself retreating to solitude on a Friday night. My baby sister says that I have a “self destructing habit of pushing away the people I care about,” tonight I think she’s right. So many times I like to think of myself in terms of the John Mayer song, “In Repair.” I take inventory of my situation and try to convince myself that I’m a little wiser and a little better off than I was last year, last month, last week. I look around my emotional closet and find it even less cluttered than the year previous (amazing how many boxes you have to throw out when the ex’s get hitched). Now, I’m sad because my text message box is as clean as a priest’s conscience, and my emotional cupboard is dusty and bare. I’m such a chick sometimes.

There are people I can text, yes, but I know that the end of those frivolities will only end in more pain. I told the last girl that I cared about, “We’re all just effed up people going around effing other people up.” It wasn’t exactly poetic, but I still think that there is an ounce of truth to that. I don’t want to be that boy anymore. It’s been years since I’ve wanted to be respectable. Disillusionment, anger, bitterness, pubescent angst, a product of the university system, an inability to care… call it what you will, but the last three years of my life have been a bit of a train wreck.

I’m sitting here on my bed trying to figure out how I can more consistently do the right thing. I haven’t done that in years. The first two years of college were spent hating and challenging the church and the system that I had been taught was “the best way.” I had to stumble in darkness so that the light would fill me more than it would have in the twilight. Those years made me ask why: I asked it over and over again until my mind smashed against the cold stones of religion, and my heart ached for an acceptance outside of the cross-covered rooms, and warm Sunday smiles.

The next step is a simple and natural digression: drinking, cursing, and girls. It’s a sugar capsule in a bottle with the label “happiness.” Two years of that, and you feel dirty even when you start to open the Bible.

What did you do? Were you drunk every night and with a different girl wrapped in your arms?

Praise God no. I got drunk once, and I can remember most of that night. As for the girls, you don’t have to sleep with someone to use them emotionally. Being an emotional whore is almost worse than being a legitimate one.

So, how many?! We need to know!

I’m not sure that you do… one hand… on one hand: my shame, my experience, my understanding.

It’s funny, sex doesn’t give you what it promises. Feeling close to someone? Try being with them through a divorce, or the death or their child: that’s true proximity. When you listen to their sobs over the telephone at 3 in the morning, and you are racking your brain for something poignant to say in order to comfort them in some small way… that is intimacy. When you want more than anything in the world to protect that person from the destructiveness of their habits, but you know that you cannot fight for them, knowing that they must prevail against their demons alone: that is intimacy. When you let them go, and watch them struggle and gasp for air, always holding out your hand, knowing that they only need to turn to be saved: that is intimacy. When your shoulder is sore because you were afraid to move and wake them: that is intimacy. Sex is a cheap thrill when compared to true closeness and the challenges of caring.

I’m still processing something that I was told… something brought to my attention. There is a deep hurt in one of my dear friends, an emotional sore that has yet to heal and scar. I found out that she was raped by someone she thought she could trust. I haven’t been the same since the day I heard her story.

I started watching a movie tonight, a typical, “I’m a film student so I can watch anything to study the craft!” movie. The story had a young girl who was kidnapped and raped in the back of a Jeep Wagoneer. I couldn’t finish the movie. Flashes of my friend curled up in a ball crying in the shower filled my mind. Images of her rubbing her white skin raw, sobbing… asking God why… asking if it was her fault… hating her body for responding to his touch….

I heard her story and needed to hug her. I needed to hold her. I care for so many of my friends like brothers and sisters, but the love that I had for her in that moment was a love that I have only experienced one other time.

During the divorce I remember my mom loosing her temper and shouting at my little sister. I can still see her tangled golden brown hair convulsing with her breath as her eyes swelled with tears. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to walk between the two of them and shout, “Enough! Stop.” I didn’t. To my eternal shame I didn’t protect her. I still chide the 10 year old Ben for being such a coward, but, this is different. I can’t even remember if Boots broke something, or was mouthing off, or what, but there is no reason or cause for what happened to my friend.

I can’t reconcile it in my mind. Who could harm such a beautiful and radiant young woman? When I heard her story I wanted to kill him. I sincerely and genuinely wanted to find him, corner him, ask him one question, and then pull the trigger. My heart hasn’t felt real hatred in years. I have to get this out… I have to write this.

Forgiveness is pounding against the concrete slab of hatred.

It’s not my place to forgive. He didn’t hurt me, so I can’t hate him.

I do though. Every girl looks in the mirror and wonders if she’s beautiful; every day she has to convince herself of that fact. She has to fight the voices in her head telling her that she’s too fat, or too thin, that her nose is too big, or her skin too pale. I hate him for giving her so many more insecurities. Insecurities that she thinks she has to internalize, things that make her feel less like a woman, thoughts that bring her shame… a shame that I pray God would lift from her shoulders and rain down upon him until his soul withers and he is forced to fall face down before a Holy God. God forgive him. God help me to forgive him.

All have sinned right? All have fallen short of the glory of God? We’re all equal sinners in God’s eyes, right? We all deserve the same fate, and God offers the same forgiveness to us all equally and without finding fault… right? I’ve done worse. According to Matthew 5 I’ve murdered all kinds of people, and committed blasphemy. I am guilty of all of the commandments: I have no right to hate or pass judgment.

God forgive me for my blind anger. I’m praying for her now, and asking for her guilt and shame to be removed. I’m pleading with God to let her understand that it wasn’t her fault. Let her know this. Let her please take none of the blame. Surrender it. Leave it at the foot of cross. Let it roll off of you like water on a candle. God is so much bigger than we are. Let him carry it. The love of God is so much bigger than any love that we will ever find here. It is a love with no depths or bounds or clauses: it is a gift. Embrace it.

from:

http://gothamist.com/2009/12/05/new_jersey_senate_to_vote_on_gay_ma.php

Just days after the New York State Senate voted down a bill to legalize same-sex marriage, the Garden State is getting ready for the debate.According to the Times, the New Jersey State Senate’s Judiciary Committee is gearing up for a vote on gay marriage as early as Monday — with the full Senate preparing for a vote possibly on Thursday.

While the Judiciary Committee is expected to pass the bill, the full Senate vote will likely be closer. Democrats have the majority, but some do not support same-sex marriage rights, so in order for the bill to pass, some Republicans will need to vote for it. The paper of record notes that timing is also important because Democratic Gov. Jon Corzine, who supports gay marriage, will leave office on Jan. 19 to be replaced by Republican Gov. Chris Christie, who opposes it.

Despite the less-than-encouraging results of the Maine referendum and the New York State Senate vote, gay marriage supporters including Senator Raymond Lesniak (D-Union County) say there is a “momentum change” behind the bill, which seemed stalled until a recent petition boasting the names of more than 2,300 Democratic officials, advocates and residents began making the rounds. One insider said that the Garden State has a better chance of passing the bill than the Empire State. “New York is two different states, New York City and upstate New York,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Princeton). “We’re still the progressive suburbs of Philadelphia and New York City. I believe we’re a more progressive state.”

He did it again!!

So, yesterday I was at school and really not happy to be there at all. I had my extended essay due and was scolded by the lady in charge of the EEs for not telling them weeks ago that I had not talked to my supervisor for over a year. I didn’t sleep well the night before at all, bad dreams, so I was very out of it and tired. Also, after hours of doing work I had not finished everything I needed to do so I had a lunch full of typing up the work I didn’t do the night before. After lunch I had a quiz and a test to look forward to. This was not a good day of school for me. But in all this something good happened.

When I was feeling the most down and out of it, mostly cause I was sick and very very tired and not happy I had to present a word in front of the whole class in a few minutes, my teacher called my name and waved me over to her. It took me a second to get over the confusion, I knew it wasn’t time for me to present yet. But she called me up to tell me she was going to submit some of my poems to the thing at artandwriting.org and I was happy and shocked at the same time. But, there was a problem.

“Please tell my you’re 18,” my teacher said to me.

“No, not until February,” I replied.

“Oh well I need a parent signature then but the deadline is tomorrow,” she said.

I knew she was about to tell me she was going to submit someone elses work so I told her I’d get that signature ASAP. So, I quickly went to the bathroom and called my mom and she (surprisingly) said she’d be at my school in a few. She signed the paper for me and now I have poems being submitted to this thing where I can win money! I’m so happy, even if I don’t win, something I wrote was good enough for submission and that made my week.

Some of you may remember hearing of Arlan and Linda Kaufman, the Kansas couple who operated an institution of sexual slavery and abuse under the pretenses of a group home for the mentally ill. For those who are unfamiliar, their abuses were many. Arlan was a social worker and Linda a nurse. They operated an unlicensed group home for twenty years in which their principle methods were sexual abuse and forced labor, no mental health care was offered and the families and Medicare were billed for their services. From USA Today:

Federal prosecutors contended the Kaufmans controlled the lives of mentally ill residents, including deciding who could wear clothes. They were found guilty of forcing residents to masturbate, fondle each other and shave each other’s genitals — activities that Arlan Kaufman videotaped.

and from the Topeka Capitol Journal:

Agents were startled to discover 34 videotapes that captured sights and sounds of the Kaufmans’ approach to addressing mental disease.

Two written summaries of contents of the videotapes…confirm Mr. Kaufman was shown on one tape urging patients to masturbate and urinate in front of other patients. On another tape, Mr. Kaufman instructed patients, male and female, to shave pubic hair of clients of the opposite sex.

The camera caught patients and Mr. Kaufman discussing sexual fetishes and fantasies, the summaries say…According to reports, Mr. Kaufman is shown touching the genitals of male and female clients. A group of patients was filmed hula-hooping in the nude, the summaries say.

According to the reports, a male patient was videotaped while forcing objects up his anus. Mr. Kaufman is captured on tape urging a client to stick a paint brush up his urethra, a summary says. The taping caught a group discussion of sex toys and group massage, during which Mr. Kaufman said, “I’m just going to enjoy watching you.”

The list goes on but it’s virtually impossible to address frankly without appearing to play to the shock value of it all. It is enough to say that for twenty years, these two people engaged in some truly life-destroying behaviors. On top of that, they did it all under the pretense of offering help to people in various states of emotional distress and extremely vulnerable states of mind, often turning their own traumatic events against them. They then intimidated their residents into silence and charged victims’ families and Medicare for the abuses.

The fact that it happened is bad enough, that it continued for so long is beyond understanding. They originally opened the house in 1976 as college housing, later converting it into a treatment residence for those with diagnosed mental illness or emotional problems. One must wonder what sparked the move to a new kind of home. Given the end result, it may not take a whole lot of wondering. You’d be hard pressed to find a collection of people as discredited, unprotected and vulnerable as those regarded as mentally ill in America — the perfect victims, from the position of the Kaufmans. While this is outside of the realm of conceivability for most, it is still largely true that, collectively,  we don’t care what you do to “them” as long as you take them off our hands.

There are, however, agencies in place to keep things like this from happening. So where were they? In 1986, Social and Rehabilitation Services (SRS) informed the Kaufmans that they were required to become licensed as they were providing “residential services, therapy for the residents [and] medication distribution”, according to the Testimony to the Senate Public Health and Welfare Committee. The Kaufmans chose to sue the SRS. The SRS backed off. Kansas Supreme court upheld the ruling that the Kaufmans were to be licensed but the Kaufmans made no move to do so and the state made no move to make them — so the abuses continued.

Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline said the record shows SRS bungled opportunities to deal with alleged misconduct by the Kaufmans.

“Those agencies that are designed and given the mission to protect the vulnerable failed,” he said.

SRS Secretary Gary Daniels said the state agency he leads didn’t deserve full blame for a case that “slipped through the cracks.”

“Everyone who was involved,” Daniels said, “at some point or other had some responsibility to jump up and down and yell, ‘Foul!’ “

It wasn’t until a bus full of schoolchildren reported seeing a group of farm workers working outdoors in the nude that an investigation was ordered. The findings were, of course staggering as twenty years is a long time to amass evidence.The Kaufmans were convicted of 30 federal charges including forced labor, involuntary servitude, health care fraud, Medicare fraud and false representation for which Arlan was sentenced to 30 years, which at his age of 69 is essentially a life sentence. Linda was sentenced to just 7 years due to her defense team’s claim that she was as controlled by her husband as anybody, thus making her a victim too. After serving about two thirds of her sentence, district judge Monti Belot saw fit to add to her sentence, upping it to 15 years. From the Associated Press:

Trial testimony had indicated a stun gun was used on a resident’s genitals. Belot found while reconsidering sentencing that it should be considered a dangerous weapon. He also found that a large number of residents were vulnerable victims and added time for obstruction of justice.

“I appreciate being given the opportunity to consider a new and appropriate sentence for defendant,” Belot said Monday.

The Kaufmans’ family objected to the increased sentence in a written statement:

Contrary to public opinion, these convictions arose out of poor judgment, but not malice. It is disappointing that the Judge did not give more weight to that fact. Imprisoning a 66-year-old, non-violent woman for 15 years accomplishes nothing.

I wonder what imprisoning all of those people and abusing them ever accomplished. Prison will surely be a kinder place for the Kaufmans than their house was for all of their victims, falling far short of any kind of measurable justice but that’s the system. We present ourselves as a civilized nation and sometimes that just means people don’t get what they truly deserve.

This was an entry I placed in a journal back in 2007. Several of those entries will be used here. They capture the “rawness” of my grief-a rawness you might be able to relate to right now. Other writings of mine will reflect the softening of grief that takes place over the years.

June 1, 2007

To say “life has changed,” is the understatement of the decade, but it really hit home today. It’s a Friday afternoon. With my husband at a lunch meeting and my daughter heading out to spend the rest of the day with friends, I was trying to decide what to do. My decision? To go to the cemetery where my son’s ashes are. Weeks have passed since my last visit. That’s when it hit me, “Oh dear Jesus, on June 1st of last year my family was on it’s way to Seattle, Washington for a summer vacation.” We were filled with joyful anticipation. Our family had always enjoyed traveling together, and that trip was going to be our last before Jacob, our 18 year old son, headed off to college. We were cherishing every moment.

Now,  just one year later, I am thinking of going to the cemetery where Jacob’s ashes remain. Life can change so much in a year, or even in a moment.  Life really has changed. Yes, there is some good to be found in those changes, but mostly it has been very difficult.

Luke 2:25-35
Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Christ. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.”

It is instances such as the one above which reveal in very small parts the complexity and the perfectness of God’s working in our lives. When we read this chapter, we understand Jesus to be the not so common child that most parents are used to. What’s even more amazing is the amazement that Mary and Joseph show when things are revealed to them about Jesus starting with the Shepherds arriving in the manger looking for him, then Simeon’s blessing and prophecy, then the prophetess Anna prophesying about Jesus, and Jesus telling them he was at home in the temple when he was a young child left behind. This calling of parenting the son of God was not an easy one specially when his whole development was God ordained and so divine. As parents, they experienced Jesus in as much awe as we experience him as our Lord and Savior but only that the relationship for them was reversed wherein they were his human parents too.

As we live our lives, what God calls us to do is to live it with purpose, not an earthly, selfish, self-centered one focussing on I, me and myself. Jesus welcomes us as we are in our imperfectness to surrender ourselves to him, he then cleanses us through his shed blood on the cross spilled for us, transforms us to make us a new creation in him and fills us with the holy spirit to lead us in our new purpose filled lives. His expectation of us from that point onwards is to live seeking his direction and leading rather than doing things in our own wisdom. Simeon served God faithfully and received the blessing of holding the savior of the world in his hands before he passed away. What a great joy for him and what a great joy it is for us that when we submit ourselves to our maker, we will not just hold him for a moment but he will hold us for an eternity and never let go!

In His Loving Service,
Vineet

PS: Sign up for daily devotionals by clicking the email subscription icon at the top right of this page or by visiting http://groups.google.com/group/in-his-loving-service

Christmas Bokeh

First Official Sex And City 2 Image

Sarah Jessica Parker regrets being part of ‘SATC’ sequel

‘Entourage’ movie a possibility

Help bring Kathy Griffin to NYC – GET D-LISTED PRESS RELEASE

more info:
http://www.onlocationvacations.com/2009/12/03/help-bring-kathy-griffin-to-nyc/

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=195456973394&ref=mf

Neal B in NYC and On Location Tours are on a mission to get Kathy Griffin back on the D-List. As Kathy creeps closer to the A-List, Neal B and OLT are inviting her aboard Sex & the City Hotspots Tour to bring her back down to her D-List roots. On Friday December 11, 2009, they will be making a video to send to Kathy’s people.Anyone who would like to show support is welcome to join them! To make it even more irresistible, a donation will be set up to help LBGTQ organization Broadway Speaks OUT. You can pledge now and your donation will only be collected when Kathy Griffin visits. You can find more information on the Kathy Griffin DlistedNYC Facebook page.

On Location Tours also has the perfect gift for the movie fan in your life! You can now purchase gift certificates for their New York TV & Movie Tour, Sex & the City Hotspots Tour, Gossip Girl Sites Tour, Sopranos Sites Tour, and Central Park Walking Tour.

Inspired from a passionate load:

“Right, so. I’m pleased to report I still have not forgone my compulsive procrastination, and I continue to remain steadfast in my personal vendetta against schoolwork. Finally, I think it’s beginning to pay off. It’s not often I can go see a 2 hour long insanely depressing movie the night before an exam for a class that I’ve attended mayyyybe twice and walk out of the exam room knowing I eff’ing rocked that shat harder than an itty bitty baby in an itty bitty cradle in a gigantic tree in the middle of a horrendously torrential monsoon. Masha’Allah to that, straight up.

So this movie. Hotel Rwanda. Have you seen it? You should. I want to express my utter initial shock and disbelief at the intolerably true-to-reality situations depicted in that 1hr50mins. I want to denounce all of humanity for being so terribly caught up in capitalism and materialism and jahil’ism that outright genocide no longer fazes us. I want to somehow understand, capture, and verbalize the barrage of horrendous emotions that managed to leap from the screen and crystallize on my cheeks as flowing rivulets of tears.

But I fear all that emotional nonsense just adds to the problem. It’s a vicious cycle – as humans in today’s sorry excuse of a global society, we see too many God-awful tragedies to give any one of them the full attention it both deserves and begs for. Instead, we watch a startlingly astonishing movie such as Hotel Rwanda, leave the theatre with bloodshot eyes and still-wet cheeks, and proceed to go home and sit in a dazed stupor for all of 10 minutes, till we decide we need to watch some Conan O’Brian to relieve our wearied brains. Or even better, we become so unbelievably wrapped up in the intense passion of the moment when a tsunami destroys entire portions of the world, that we hastily pledge hundreds of thousands of dollars for relief efforts, only to default just weeks later. Besides, what’s the point in dwelling on calamities from every corner of the world when freaking Jacko is on trial, clearly more deserving of airtime? Pointing fingers is useless and petty. But tell me, what do you do when the problem begins with you?

- Kinga.”

“Masha’Allah to that, straight up.”

As for the issue of the moment – of the year – of eternity – whichever, today a friend tells me about how in the Congo fathers are made to watch their sons rape their mothers at gunpoint.

It made my heart bleed. I felt helpless. A few moments later another friend comes online – I message her and she replies that she wants to be alone because she just watched a guy destroy himself and she couldn’t do a thing about it. She felt helpless. I always love the synchronicity – gotten used to it now.

Once I met someone who had decided to actually take matters into her own hands – had gone to Sri Lanka on volunteer work, wanted to make a difference, poured her heart into helping people – and all she got in return was the cynicism of people wondering where some yuppie girl from Australia gets off on thinking she can make any change at all. They had told her point blank, “The world can’t change, honey, come to grips with it.”

She explained that felt she overempathised with the sorrow of the world – it was the first time I had even conceived of such a thing as ‘overempathy’… but anyway… what other things are there, oh yes: We are sedated… because we cannot even make a little change in our own homes. Isn’t that so? Why would we go halfway across the world to be charitable when we’re not emanating goodwill at our own doorstep?

Do we really need to see a heartbreaking flick in order to be shaken out of a stupor? And you know what; I shouldn’t be asking this question because I’m passionate about filmmaking. And you know what made me want to make films? Gandhi. The movie. No, not the autobiography, though all that did was nauseate me to the idealism of the man.

There is this scene in the film, where a policeman is beating Gandhi for not following instructions. While he is being battered… Gandhi… without resisting, yet with absolute resolve, continues to burn all the passes that make Indians secondary citizens in Africa. Just watching his determination moved me. And I thought, ‘If I can be so moved by such a thing – so goddamn inspired – all that I want is to bring about the same movement in everyone else.’

Things change – and it’s been a while since I decided that, but you know what, the core is still the same. The core hasn’t even flickered an inch. At one point I entertained the thought of mass paradigm shifts on the planet using movies. Often now, I doubt if that is possible. It makes me question the cause of man’s integrity. It’s there. It always is. Asleep perhaps – but I would never conceive of a total destruction of integrity. And if anything can awaken it, why not films?

So, what do I do when the problem begins with me? Breathe.

The anger swells in my guts
And I won’t feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
‘Cause I need you to look into mine
Snow Patrol — May 2006

July 10th 1997
It was just around then, not long after the party, that I received the final details of Jenny’s pension. On her very last day alive, Jenny had wanted to visit the office to review it for herself. She knew that it would be complicated, since her part-time working was unusual. Her bosses said they were trying to apply the rules sympathetically.

The first documentation arrived a few days after Jenny’s death, but there was no explanation of the numbers, and they looked all wrong to me.

So I rang to ask for a detailed breakdown. Oh, sorry, didn’t we send you that, they said. Strange indeed.

And then I saw, just as Jenny had feared, that the company hadn’t treated her fairly at all.

They claimed to have pro-rated Jenny’s service across her years at work. But what they’d actually done was to credit her with three and a half years at full-time, followed by thirty-one years at part-time.

Yet Janey, her boss, had agreed to Jenny working part-time only until William went to school at the age of four. Janey was back in the States now, but she gladly confirmed this when I called her in Houston.

I was furious with the company, and especially on Jenny’s behalf. She’d worked hard to make her new arrangements succeed. And through all the time when she was ill, a return to the work she loved had always been Jenny’s dream.

But now, on her death, her children could hardly have been younger, or her family more exposed.

I dug deeper. I discovered that although the scheme boasted some female pension trustees, actually no women had been present on the day that they discussed Jenny’s pension.

The same could never have happened to a man! Morally, it stank.

Miss Sixty Have a glance into Miss Sixty laboratory and see how Wicky Hassan, M60’s Creative Director, is acting on a pair of Shock denim LTD Edition with the SHOCK-KIT! This pics are from the backstage of the M60 Shock Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Nq4tea5yqI

Play with M60 Shock Denim on Facebook and create your own cust…

http://www.buffalonews.com/home/story/880990.html

Here are the email addresses of the seven NY Democrats who voted against marriage equality for NYers. Please repost this in your status. addabbo@senate.state.ny.us, kruger@senate.state.ny.us, diaz@senate.state.ny.us, shuntley@senate.state.ny.us, monserra@senate.state.ny.us, onorato@senate.state.ny.us, stachows@senate.state.ny.us

1. i had to go to the water
preferably the kind that didn’t have the salt taken out of it
then put in again
but who am i to be picky
when one kind of water is a 15 minute walk away
and the other kind is a two hour drive

i put the wings out in the moonlight
dusted off the borax
too achingly beautiful
to look at
for long periods of time
or even a minute

i should tell you something
about sharp bones
how i earned them
how there are pictures
with arms
nothing but muscle
and angle
on a train bridge that drops
truncated over dirty river

under the influence of sweetie
i might loop out of this house
and back again
hours later under the moonlight
but not like those men did
not laughing on a smoke break during the trial
not pleading panic rather than homophobia
not with a frying pan or any of those other metal things

2. i am still
deconstructing the myth
of incapability

3. a shock
when shannon asks me
about preparing raw pie
and i don’t remember
how

4. we are the champions sing along
dinosaur from land before time
chorusing in
how difficult it is to get out from under
warm covers

From rPulse.com:

Meredith Baxter said, “To come out and disclose stuff is very antithetical to who I am.” I sure hope you’re proud of yourself Mario.

Every gay person believes it is their own choice and decision about coming out.

Every gay person except Mario Lavandeira aka Perez Hilton who claims he is gay, and yet he lacks compassion for other gays who he publicly bashes into coming out.

Meredith Baxter, who starred on the successful television series “Family Ties” became Mario’s target on Tuesday of this week when he posted photos of Meredith with her girlfriend Nancy.

This is nothing new for Mario, he forced Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass to out themselves as well.

nd now Meredith was forced to publicly announced her sexuality because the rag-gossip media cannot be controlled, yet.

“I am a lesbian and it was a later-in-life recognition,” she told Matt Lauer on TODAY.  “Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is – not at all.  This has only been for the past seven years.”

Meredith who is 62, was not ready to do this, and yet was forced because of the public tabloid chatter.   “I’ve always lived a very private life,” said the actress, who’s never even had a publicist.

“I did not want some tabloid to take the story and make it up — I wanted it to be in my own words,” she told Lauer.

Meredith has now had to explain her relationship with men, which says was complicated and took her decades to understand why.

In 1966 she married her first husband, Robert Lewis Bush, and they divorced five years later; she married her second husband David Birney in 1974, and they divorced in 1989; she married her third husband, Michael Blodgett, in 1995, and they divorced in 2000.

She explained that she deliberately chose to be with men with whom she clashed, so that she could blame them for the end of the relationship.“It never occurred to me to think, oh, [the problem is] me,”she said.

Then, seven years ago, she had a relationship with a woman and concluded that she was homosexual.  Suddenly, things seemed to make sense.

“I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening,” she said. “I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.”

Meredith has been with her girlfriend, Nancy, a contractor who she met through mutual friends, for the past four years.  Because Nancy is openly lesbian, their relationship has not been kept a closely guarded secret.

“I had to reach a level of comfort because it wasn’t fair to push her back into secrecy,” she said. “We live very out lives in Los Angeles.”

When “Family Ties” ended, Meredith went on to direct and star in several TV movies, winning a daytime Emmy award in 1993 for portraying a lesbian mom in the CBS School Break Special, “Other Mothers.”

These days, she’s taken on a few roles, including promoting her skin care line,Meredith Baxter Simple Works.

She is also a public speaker and advocate, traveling the country discussing her personal battles with breast cancer and alcoholism.

Now that she is coming out, she also sees herself as an advocate for gay rights.

“This is a political act, even though that’s not what it feels like to me,” she said. “If anyone knows someone who’s gay or lesbian … they’re less likely to vote against them to take away their rights. I can be that lesbian you know now…”

If you have ever not known what to say to someone when they are grieving I can now tell you from personal experience that the best thing you can do is say “I’m so sorry’ and then give them a big hug.

In the past I have tended to be one of the people who try to talk to a person who is grieving…saying things like….at least they didn’t suffer…..you’ll feel better in time etc… all those things that people say trying to bring comfort to the person.

I now know that you don’t want to hear all those well meant platitudes…the things that mean the most are the comfort received from a hug as you cry….the meal dropped around so you don’t have to think about food…..in our case the loan of a car so we could get up to see Dad in the hospital,out to redirect the mail and see the solicitor etc without having to organise lifts.

It’s the practical things that help most as you are so consumed by the things that need doing and the numbness of shock that its hard to cope with the little things.The messages left on your voicemail just letting you know that people love you and care and the cards and flowers help too but there’s nothing like the comfort of a hug from someone who cares.

‘Sometimes it’s better to put love into hugs than to put it into words‘. ~Author Unknown

‘You can’t wrap love in a box, but you can wrap a person in a hug’. ~Author Unknown

“Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms”
“In My Arms”, Plumb

You might be asking yourself how I’m able to write so nonchalantly about my psychotic boyfriend trying to kill me and then me witnessing him getting his throat ripped out by a blood-crazed vampire.

The answer? Well, for one thing, I think I’m still partially in shock about the whole thing. Second, I think enough time has passed since the incident that I’m able to recount the events accurately and rationally. I want the world to know this story, and fully understand it. So I need to be clear-headed and again, rational,when I tell you what’s happening here. Third… Jude. Thank God for Jude.

I was a complete and total wreck by the time I got to his apartment. I couldn’t even call to tell him I was coming because I’d left the apartment to talk to Ethan with nothing but a sweatshirt and my keys. I didn’t bring my phone. I hadn’t even put on shoes, for christ’s sake.

What little clothing I had on was completely soaked from the rain. My hair was dripping. My legs, feet and hands were cut up and bleeding from falling/crawling/running on the pavement. My cheek stung where Ethan had hit me, and my throat hurt from him choking me. I was sure that bruises were forming all over my body (especially my neck) even as I drove. My body shook from the cold, fear, and convulsive tears as I ran up to the buzzer and rang it over and over as many times as it would let me.

Finally, Jude’s sleep-laced voice sounded over the intercom.

“…Hello?”

“Jude!” I tried to cry out, but my voice was raspy and I choked on a sob.

“Annabelle?” He immediately sounded more alert. “Is that you?”

“Please help me! Open the door!”

The buzzer unlocked the door and I flung it open, racing up the stairs to his third floor apartment.

His door was just opening as I reached the landing.

“Jesus christ, what happened to you?” he said, alarmed, as he took in my appearance. I couldn’t say anything, just threw myself into his arms and wept.

“Annabelle?” he asked, sounding more worried.

I couldn’t get any words past my frantic wailing. Jude picked me up and carried me inside, shutting the door behind him with his foot. He sat down on the couch with me gathered in his lap, wrapping a blanket around me. I clung to him like he was the last stable thing on Earth and buried my face in his shoulder while I cried. His strong arms held me tightly, and I knew that he would take care of me.

Vaguely I registered that Jude was talking to someone who wasn’t me, so I tried to calm down enough to listen to what he was saying.

“Well why the fuck is she in her underwear?” I heard Jess say, obviously unhappy that I was there. Too fucking bad. I didn’t care what kind of shit she was about to pull. My boyfriend tried to kill me and then I watched him get ripped apart by a monster. I fucking win.

“I don’t know, Jess,” Jude said, sounding irritated. “She’s been in such a state I haven’t gotten her to say a word.”

“So, what, is she gonna spend the night or something?” I wasn’t looking at her, but I could practically hear the pout in her voice.

“Of course she’s going to spend the night. Clearly she’s been through something awful and traumatic. She can stay as long as she needs to.” I felt his hand begin rubbing my back.

“No! Absolutely not! I put up with a lot of shit from you where she’s concerned, but I will not tolerate this!”

“Try to be a decent human being for once, Jess,” Jude spat. I’d never heard him be this cross with her before. Any other time I’d have been cheering him on, but at that moment I just wanted him to keep holding me.

“I’ve had enough of this, Jude. You have to choose. It’s either her or me. Take your pick.”

“Her,” he said without a moment’s pause. I felt his lips press against the top of my head.

“WHAT?!” she screeched.

“I choose her. Pack some clothes and get out. I’ll arrange to get the rest of your shit to you later.”

I forced myself to take deeper breaths. Was this really happening?

Jess packed some clothes and left a few minutes later without another word.

+++

After what seemed like hours, I finally stopped crying and got my breathing under control. I was still in Jude’s lap with the blanket and his arms wrapped around me. I was warm enough that I stopped shaking. I just laid still with my head resting against his chest, listening to him breathing.

“Who did this to you?” he finally said. He hadn’t spoken since Jess left.

“Ethan,” I answered, my voice raspy.

“That son of a bitch. I’ll kill him. I’ll fucking kill that limey bastard.”

“Too late…” I whispered.

“What?!” He pulled away enough to look me in my bloodshot eyes. “Annabelle… you didn’t. Please tell me he started it and it was self defense.”

“I didn’t. It wasn’t me. But I really can’t talk about it right now I just… I can’t…”

I trailed off because I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I really didn’t want to start crying again.

“No, no, it’s okay. As long as you’re safe. Tell me what you want.”

I took another deep breath to fight off the crying jag. “I think… a shower. And some dry clothes. Is that okay?”

“Of course.”

I slid off his lap and made my way to the bathroom. He brought me a pair of his pajama pants and one of his t-shirts, as well as a clean towel. I turned on the water as hot as I could stand it and began peeling off my wet clothes.

I showered quickly because I was tired of being wet, washing off all the dirt and dried blood. Once I was done I emerged from the bathroom almost feeling like a normal person again.

Jude was waiting for me in the living room. He’d changed clothes as well.

“Feel better?” he asked.

I nodded. “I’m exhausted though. I’m just gonna crash on the couch.”

“Nonsense. Take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Jude, you are way too big to sleep on this tiny-ass loveseat.”

“Then I’ll sleep on the floor,” he argued.

“You know what, why don’t we just share the bed? It’s big enough and we’ve shared plenty of times before and… well, I’m not really ready to be alone yet anyway,” I said sheepishly.

He hesitated for a moment, then nodded and reluctantly followed me into the bedroom.

Without even discussing it, we each got into our respective sides (him on the left, me on the right).

“Some things never change, huh?” I said, pulling the covers over me.

“Guess not. Jess slept on that side, too.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “I can’t believe she made me choose.”

I can. Bitch. I hope she gets eaten by a vampire.

I turned on my side to face away from him. His hand rested on my shoulder, running up and down my arm. If we were about six inches closer, we’d have been spooning.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know… I mean, choose me,” I said quietly.

“Yes I did. It’s always been you, Annabelle.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I said nothing. Instead I scooted backwards, closing that six-inch distance and pulled his arm tight around me. As I laid there pressed up against him, I felt relaxed and safe for the first time that night.

PREVIOUS ENTRY

Very disturbing.If they can sell details to Government, they might already be selling to third parties.
Story:
Want to know how much phone companies and internet service providers charge to funnel your private communications or records to U.S. law enforcement and spy agencies?

That’s the question muckraker and Indiana University graduate student Christopher Soghoian asked all agencies within the Department of Justice, under a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request filed a few months ago. But before the agencies could provide the data, Verizon and Yahoo intervened and filed an objection on grounds that, among other things, they would be ridiculed and publicly shamed were their surveillance price sheets made public.

Yahoo writes in its 12-page objection letter (.pdf), that if its pricing information were disclosed to Soghoian, he would use it “to ’shame’ Yahoo! and other companies — and to ’shock’ their customers.”

“Therefore, release of Yahoo!’s information is reasonably likely to lead to impairment of its reputation for protection of user privacy and security, which is a competitive disadvantage for technology companies,” the company writes.

Verizon took a different stance. It objected to the release (.pdf) of its Law Enforcement Legal Compliance Guide because it might “confuse” customers and lead them to think that records and surveillance capabilities available only to law enforcement would be available to them as well — resulting in a flood of customer calls to the company asking for trap and trace orders.

“Customers may see a listing of records, information or assistance that is available only to law enforcement,” Verizon writes in its letter, “but call in to Verizon and seek those same services. Such calls would stretch limited resources, especially those that are reserved only for law enforcement emergencies.”

Other customers, upon seeing the types of surveillance law enforcement can do, might “become unnecessarily afraid that their lines have been tapped or call Verizon to ask if their lines are tapped (a question we cannot answer).”

Verizon does disclose a little tidbit in its letter, saying that the company receives “tens of thousands” of requests annually for customer records and information from law enforcement agencies.

Soghoian filed his records request to discover how much law enforcement agencies — and thus U.S. taxpayers — are paying for spy documents and surveillance services with the aim of trying to deduce from this how often such requests are being made. Soghoian explained his theory on his blog, Slight Paranoia:

In the summer of 2009, I decided to try and follow the money trail in order to determine how often Internet firms were disclosing their customers’ private information to the government. I theorized that if I could obtain the price lists of each ISP, detailing the price for each kind of service, and invoices paid by the various parts of the Federal government, then I might be able to reverse engineer some approximate statistics. In order to obtain these documents, I filed Freedom of Information Act requests with every part of the Department of Justice that I could think of.

The first DoJ agency to respond to his request was the U.S. Marshals Service (USMS), which indicated that it had price lists available for Cox Communications, Comcast, Yahoo and Verizon. But because the companies voluntarily provided the price lists to the government, the FOIA allows the companies an opportunity to object to the disclosure of their data under various exemptions. Comcast and Cox were fine with the disclosure, Soghoian reported.

He found that Cox Communications charges $2,500 to fulfill a pen register/trap-and-trace order for 60 days, and $2,000 for each additional 60-day-interval. It charges $3,500 for the first 30 days of a wiretap, and $2,500 for each additional 30 days. Thirty days worth of a customer’s call detail records costs $40.

Comcast’s pricing list, which was already leaked to the internet in 2007, indicated that it charges at least $1,000 for the first month of a wiretap, and $750 per month thereafter.

But Verizon and Yahoo took offense at the request.

Yahoo objected on grounds that its pricing constituted “confidential commercial information” and cited Exemption 4 of the Freedom of Information Act and the Trade Secrets Act.

Exemption 4 of the FOIA refers to the disclosure of commercial or financial information that could result in a competitive disadvantage to the company if it were publicly disclosed. The company claims its pricing is derived from labor rates for employees and overhead and, therefore, disclosing the information would provide clues to its operating costs — regardless of whether these same clues are already available in public records, such as those the company files with the Securities and Exchange Commission. The company also claims that since Soghoian is trying to determine the actual amounts the Marshals Service paid Yahoo for responding to requests, the price lists are irrelevant, since “there are no standard prices for these transactions.”

But equally important to Yahoo’s objections was the potential for “criticism” and ridicule. Yahoo quoted Soghoian on his blog writing that his aim was to “use this blog to shame the corporations that continue to do harm to user online privacy.”

Yahoo also objected to the disclosure of its letter objecting to the disclosure of pricing information saying that “release of this letter would likely cause substantial competitive harm” to the company. The company added, in a veiled threat, that if the Marshals Service were to show anyone its letter objecting to the disclosure of pricing information, it could “impair the government’s ability to obtain information necessary for making appropriate decisions with regard to future FOIA requests.”

If anyone out there has a copy of Verizon or Yahoo’s law enforcement pricing list and wants to share it, feel free to use our anonymous tip address.

http://digg.com/d31BZbH

From Yahoo.com:

NEW YORK, New York — Former “Family Ties” star Meredith Baxter has revealed she is gay.

Meredith, who starred as Michael J. Fox’s mother on the hit ’80s television show, confirmed the news to Matt Lauer on Wednesday’s “Today.”

I guess I wanted to… say that I’m a lesbian,” Meredith revealed on the NBC morning program. “It was a later-in-life recognition of that fact.”

Meredith, 62, has been living life as a lesbian for seven years and confirmed to Matt that she has been involved in a relationship for four years with contractor Nancy Locke. But it was only after becoming involved with another woman that Meredith realized why her three marriages to men didn’t work out.

I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with and it was that kind of awakening and I never fought it because it was like, ‘Oh! I understand why I had the issues I had early in my life,’” Meredith said. “I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships… Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker, which I was indeed, but I also was involved with people who made me think, ‘Oh, they’re the problem,’ because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, ‘Oh, it’s me.’”

Meredith told Matt that sharing the news of her sexuality with her children, who range in age 25-42, was a lot easier than she expected.

The actress also revealed that her television family co-stars are aware she is gay.

“All my pals in ‘Family Ties’ know,” she said. “They all knew [when we had a reunion on 'Today' two years ago]. We all had dinners together and [TV husband], Michael Gross and his wife and Nancy and I go out, we’ve gone out many times. It’s all OK.”

Meredith said she and Nancy “live very out lives in Los Angeles” and the actress even went on a cruise with 1,200 lesbians not too long ago. But as for why she is speaking out now, Meredith said, in part, it was to share her story in her own words before a tabloid could put their spin on her life.