She Had Some Horses

She had some horses.

She had horses who were bodies of sand.
She had horses who were maps drawn of blood.
She had horses who were skins of ocean water.
She had horses who were the blue air of sky.
She had horses who were fur and teeth.
She had horses who were clay and would break.
She had horses who were splintered red cliff.

She had some horses.

She had horses with long, pointed breasts.
She had horses with full, brown thighs.
She had horses who laughed too much.
She had horses who threw rocks at glass houses.
She had horses who licked razor blades.

She had some horses.

She had horses who danced in their mothers’ arms.
She had horses who thought they were the sun and their bodies shone and burned like stars.
She had horses who waltzed nightly on the moon.
She had horses who were much too shy, and kept quiet in stalls of their own making.

She had some horses.

She had horses who liked Creek Stomp Dance songs.
She had horses who cried in their beer.
She had horses who spit at male queens who made them afraid of themselves.
She had horses who said they weren’t afraid.
She had horses who lied.
She had horses who told the truth, who were stripped bare of their tongues.

She had some horses.

She had horses who called themselves, “horse.”
She had horses who called themselves, “spirit.” and kept their voices secret and to themselves.
She had horses who had no names.
She had horses who had books of names.

She had some horses.

She had horses who whispered in the dark, who were afraid to speak.
She had horses who screamed out of fear of the silence, who carried knives to protect themselves from ghosts.
She had horses who waited for destruction.
She had horses who waited for resurrection.

She had some horses.

She had horses who got down on their knees for any savior.
She had horses who thought their high price had saved them.
She had horses who tried to save her, who climbed in her bed at night and prayed as they raped her.

She had some horses.

She had some horses she loved.
She had some horses she hated.

These were the same horses.

~ Joy Harjo

Most of us can agree that anger usually doesn’t solve or make a situation better. In fact anger has been linked to poorer treatment outcomes on a number of different disorders including Social Anxiety Disorder. Though for people who have social anxiety, where does this anger come from and how can we stop this negative process?

The Role of Rumination

Rumination is a word used to describe an aversive, repetitive and uncontrollable thought pattern. Rumination is seen in many clinical disorders and is linked to poorer health and mental health outcomes. Those who suffer from social anxiety are more often prone to have post-event rumination then those who are not socially anxious. This means that socially anxious people not only mull over these events in their heads but they continue to think about these events in an aversive way. It is like the story a Buddhist monk told me once and listed below. I have heard the story before and don’t know who to reference.

“Two Monks were walking home and on the way they came to a large puddle full of mud, which they had to cross. At the brink of the puddle they saw a young woman standing, afraid to cross it.

“Come”, said one of the monks, “I will carry you to the other side”. He took her on his back, and carried her to the other side of the puddle.

After crossing the road, the two monks continued walking silently for hours, until they reached their destination.

The other monk could not keep silent any longer and exclaimed:” How could you carry that girl on your back? We are monks and are not allowed to touch women.”

The monk who carried the women over the puddle smiled and said: “I have left the girl at the other side of the puddle, but it seems you are still carrying her with you!”

I have heard different versions of that story but it tells the point that some people tend to ruminate more about events then others and this thought pattern is maladaptive.

Origins of Anger

In a recent study (I make reference to below) they found that when controlling for rumination in people with social anxiety that there is no longer any anger. What this means is that people shouldn’t attempt to deal with the anger but instead with rumination. Anger should be seen as a sign of an inner turmoil that represents the negative internal thinking patterns. The study went further to show that reflective pondering helped with anger suppression meaning that treatments should focus on reflections of our own thought patterns.

I realize many people who are shy or suffer from social anxiety do not have anger about themselves or other people, but for those who do treatment of their condition will be increasingly difficult. For more information on please check out my post on self-forgiveness and look forward to more posts on this aspect of shyness.

References:

Trew, J., Alden, L. (2009). Predicting anger in social anxiety: The mediating role of rumination. BehaviouralResearch Therapy, 47, 1079-1084.

Let me first start out by saying I was on Nationwide Radio in Kingston, Jamaica promoting an expo. I am the Event Officer for the expo. I didn’t want to appear on the programme but I eventually did. People who listened to the broadcast expressed that they were impressed and liked the delivery.

I have a personal issue that I will be working on. My demeanour does not speak of my potential and abilities. I hope I am expressing myself well. Most people who know me do not really KNOW ME. I appear to be reserved, laid back, unenergetic and conservative. Although that may be true, I have the ability to turn on the energy when needed. Some folks today call it an alter ego. I may be reserved but when the opportunity presents itself I turn into a total different person full of energy and life. It causes people who will offer opportunities to hold back because they don’t know what I am truly capable of.

I am a talented young man who is really underutilised in my job. So today, when I turned on the alter ego (no name for that person yet) my boss was really overwhelmed and seemed particularly impressed with my delivery. I want to get to the place where I turn it on all the time. I just hope I won’t turn people off.
You can’t have your cake and eat it, I guess.

Dancing with the Stars

Last night I watched the finale of the Dancing with the Stars. It was an entertainment night, filled with excitement and of course the revelation of the winner of the season. It was a surprise to see Donny Osmond win over Mya. I really think with all my heart that Mya would have taken the trophy home. I wanted to see her win. Her dance routine not ignoring her partner were always excellent and it reflects the perfect scores she received in the season.

However, the point must be noted that the core target audience may just have voted more for the winner. Clearly, if the winner was decided on the fact of delivery over the season then Mya would have won. Some people would argue that Kelly should have won based on the fact that she was the most improved. The fact is voting process was used and sometimes it isn’t fair.

My Favourite MYA

So of course, with Donny winning someone else would have taken the night. Whitney Houston was simply fantastic. I will only say this – her addictions may have affected her voice but she certainly can still deliver a great performance. Her songs on the night, I am still on cloud nine over it. Sorry! The videos are posted below for your viewing. The last song on the first video is one of my favourites from Houston so you could imagine my excitement and jumping in the house when she started to sing it. I have also posted a video of the song “I wana dance with somebody” from Whitney Houston back in the days. I have posted it because this is the real performance of the song. Enjoy.

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Yesterday, I met my 5th new student of this school year for our first lesson–”It’s a Girl!” A 6th grader, she’s kinda shy but wants to improve her trumpet playing, so…she’s having to get used to me!    Last year, she had a few lessons from another instructor, but their schedules didn’t work out. The instructor teaches only at a studio, and it proved too difficult for her to make it to his location reliably. So now I’m going to her home in Kirkland immediately following my lesson with my Bothell student. That’s an easy hop and a skip–works well for both of us. Her mom, an attorney, says she likes playing trumpet, is sticking with it, and wants to get better. So here we go!

Shyness is universal in that we can find it within people all across the world. I’m sure you could even find it within members of a tribe in the Amazon. However, what remains the difference is how shyness is treated amongst the people of a particular area. In this post I will examine the differences between North America and Asia’s view on shyness.

In North American societies, children who are shy are likely to have difficulties in peer relations, school performance. These children realize their difficulties in social situations and many develop negative self-perceptions of their competence and other problems such as depression and loneliness. Studies have also shown that this may contribute to later adjustment problems in education or career stability. The adjustment difficulties are seen to be caused by Western society’s emphasis on assertiveness, competitiveness, and self-expression. The qualities North American’s generally expect from their children is to be assertive rather than reserved and restrained, and shyness is often considered a problem of socially immaturity or incompetence.

There is evidence that shyness is perceived as less problematic in many Asian countries such as Korea, and Indonesia. Shy children in China have tended to be accepted by peers and seen as competent by teachers and adults. This appreciation of shyness in China may be due to it’s endorsement of socially restrained behaviours in society. In Taoism and Confucianism philosophies behavioural restraint is considered to indicate social maturity and mastery. Also shy children may obtain support more easily from an environment that is more understanding and these shy children feel more competence to seek school achievement and develop positive emotions about themselves. However, in this same study I make reference to below, they find that the larger city urban areas in China are becoming more North American and along with this is the view of being assertive.

Implications:

In terms of education I believe that teachers must have more training on how to teach shy children and how to help them become apart of peer relations. As this study pointed out, children adjust better to life when they are seen as competent and this can help to develop a positive self-perception. Shy children are put into schools with the disadvantage that they way they act are considered immature and incompetent. While it would be impossible to change the view society has on shy children, teachers have the power to help develop shy children to feel confident going into a North American society. On a personal note I was put into the special education classes all throughout my early childhood years based purely on the fact that I was shy. I wouldn’t answer questions because I had to do so in front of the whole class which was extremely anxiety provoking. Now after attaining many years of academic success and higher education I look back on those years and shake my head because the teachers were trying to solve a learning problem when it was an anxiety problem.

References:

Chen, X., Wang, L., Wang, Z. (2009). Shyness-sensitivity and social, school, and psychologyical adjustment in rural migrant urban children in China. Child Development, 80, 1499-1513.

Today the Makaak is a little shy.

Here is a quote from Gandhi that I believe readers of my blog will enjoy.

“I must say that, beyond occasionally exposing me to laughter, my constitutional shyness has been no dis-advantage whatever. In fact I can see that, on the contrary, it has been all to my advantage. My hesitancy in speech, which was once an annoyance, is now a pleasure. Its greatest benefit has been that it has taught me the economy of words. I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts. And I can now give myself the certificate that a thoughtless word hardly ever escapes my tongue or pen. I do not recollect ever having had to regret anything in my speech or writing. I have thus been spared many a mishap and waste of time. Experience has taught my that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth. Proneness to exaggerate, to suppress or modify the truth, wittingly or unwittingly, is a natural weakness of man, and silence is necessary in order to surmount it. A man of few words will rarely be thoughtless in his speech; he will measure every word. We find so many people impatient to talk. There is no chairman of a meeting who is not pestered with notes for permission to speak. And whenever the permission is given the speaker generally exceeds the time-limit, asks for more time, and keeps on talking without permission. All this talking can hardly be said to be of any benefit to the world. It is so much waste of time. My shyness has been in reality my shield and buckler. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth.”

Reference: Gandhi: An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth, trans. Mahaved Desai, (Boston, Beacon Press, 1993).

To posses self-esteem is to have self-confidence. Each go hand in hand.  You cannot be confident in yourself if you have low self-esteem. How do you know if you have low self-esteem?

Well, here are some signs:

• Bad body image. Whether you are overweight or thin, your body is not how you want it to look. Or you feel it is not up to the standards of your significant other. You pick out any flaws and over look everything else.
  
• You constantly put yourself down. This is not someone else putting you down, this is about you finding ways to put yourself down about anything.
• Family, friends, or a lover putting you down. If someone tells you that you are not good enough, your ugly or fat, you can never do anything right, this is something that will lead to low self-esteem.
• Doubt. Having doubt that you will ever be successful, find love, that your life will turn around, or that you will be chosen for a job.
  
• You compare yourself to others. It may be based on looks, money, love, family, class, success, luck….something someone else has that is better, you find it. You don’t accept who you are.
  
• Your very shy. Whether you have been that way your whole life or became this way for some reason, you have a fear of being judged or rejected by others.

These are some characteristics of having low self-esteem. It doesn’t necessarily mean you do, if you feel that you are confident in yourself, then most likely you have high self-esteem. If you are reading this it means you are aware of your low self-esteem and you want to take steps to fix that, or at least begin to.  Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves, enjoy their lives to the fullest and not dwell on the little issues of life.

How you can begin rebuilding your self-esteem:

1. Respect yourself. People will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If they see that you have no self-esteem or respect they will see no reason to treat you any different. They feel as though they can walk all over you and get away with it. Demand more for that for yourself. You deserve it.
2. Respect others. It is very likely that if you treat others well, you will get treated the same in return.  Not always though. You will be seen as a warm caring person and are more likely to be treated warm.
3. Be the best YOU can be. You will never be anyone but yourself. You have to realize that if you try to change who you are or how you look you will never be truly happy. Take action to change things about yourself without changing who you are to make yourself happy and complete. Boost your confidence. Go get your hair done,go shopping,  get a new wardrobe with clothes that accentuate your own body type instead of the body type you want. People will see the difference in your mood and personality and in return see you as a more approachable, fun person.
4. Work out. It’s a proven fact that people who work out are happier. Doing just a half an hour of cardio a day will boost your mood, get your blood pumping and release “happy” endorphins, causing you to be uplifted. In return, you will be healthier and maybe even shed a few pounds.
   
5. Rid yourself of unhealthy affairs. Friends or a boyfriend who always put you down are going to continue to dwindle your self-esteem. The faster you realize that you are worth more, that you are better than them and want to feel better about yourself, the faster it will happen. Either stick up for yourself, or GET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.  Don’t let them back in unless they agree to and prove that they will help you with your issues. If they don’t, it’s clear that they don’t care about you, so why would you want them in your life anyway?
6. Alone time. Spend time by your self, doing things you love. Write, read, go fishing, take a road trip, blast music, sing out loud, take your dog for a hike, treat yourself to your favorite desert. Do something that makes you feel happy.
7. Friends. Surround yourself with people who love you, care about you and treat you well.
   
8. Talk. If you feel like you need help becoming a happy, self-confident person you may benefit from talking to someone even if it’s just with a loved one. You will learn that you have support and people who are there for you and care about how you are feeling. That may be all you need to push yourself a little further.

Self esteem is critical in living a happy, healthy life.  I think everyone wants that. If you have people in your life who can help you or know the facts of how to recover yourself then there is hope of having everything you want.

The following story is one I wrote on December 6th of last year. We were asked to write a character sketch on ANYONE in the classroom so I decided to write one about myself. I remember it being one of the most difficult things I had ever written. I had to write about myself from someone elses’ point of view. I just dug this out of my English folder from last year and when I read it, I realized that it seems even more true now then it had been when I wrote it last year, even though it was totally true last year too. I don’t know. I just thought it was cool. And I encourage all of you to write about yourself from the point of view of someone else… it is a good way to learn more about yourself. So without further ado… here it goes.

………………………………..

Her legs were curled up with her knees and shins pushing against the empty bus seat in front of her, making her tiny stature seem even smaller than usual. It’s interesting seeing the kinds of things she can do with her petite body. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail on the back of her head, and her red highlights were glinting in the sun that was streaming through the window, making a rarely seen contrast against her dark brown hair.

The strangest thing about this girl is her personality. Five minutes ago she was laughing and joking with all of the people around her. Then she became so absorbed in a book that even the Apocalypse couldn’t have grabbed her attention. It was amazing how far she had gotten in that book, just yesterday it had been handed to her and now it looks as if she is almost done. The speed at which her mind processes words must be flabbergasting.

She has changed very much since last year. She was very quiet and she kept to herself, not really caring to meet new people. The only people I ever saw her hanging out with had been her best friends for years. She only allowed a choice few to really see who she was. She hid herself from the world. And now here she was making tons of new friends, talking and laughing much more than last year.

She had looked up just a minute ago… at what I am unsure. She just looked up, pushed her new red glasses up her nose, and smiled at nothing, her small pink lips parting ever so slightly, bringing life to her somewhat pale face which had become inert and unresponsive when she was reading.

She must have finished the book then because she closed it softly and sighed. She twisted her legs around and folded them under her body. She then turned her head to talk to a blond girl behind her. “I’m done!” she exclaimed, handing the book back to the girl who had given it to her. Her voice rang with satisfaction and was laced with a smugness uncommon in her voice. “You’re already done?! I just finished the first one!” blondie said. “You did?!” asked the girl with obvious excitement. “What did you think?” She was totally alive now and exulting joy as she launched into a conversation on the book.

Last year she wasn’t like this. Last year she was one of the shyest, quietest people I had ever met. People saw her as fragile and sensitive. They were cautious around her, not wanting to offend or upset her. I have a feeling that she knew this. People who had never met her may have assumed that she was hard to be around, and I guess that was somewhat true. It is difficult to hang out with someone so different from you, so different from anyone you know. She was, and still is, so unique that it can be difficult to fully understand her, and that can be frustrating both for her and the people around her. I know that there are sometimes when even her life-long friend doesn’t understand her. But like a good friend, this friend just accepts that her friend is different, because they’re best friends. I bet she’s really grateful to that friend for sticking with her.

Even now that this girl has come out of her shell so much and has made so many new friends, you can still sometimes see in her green eyes that she is still lonely and misunderstood, even though this is less common than it was last year. She has changed so much that sometimes I hardly recognize her.

The bus slowed to a stop and the girl picked up her swim bag and hopped off the bus, skipping to the door of the school with blondie. They were still talking about that book and smiling and laughing the whole way. I know that when she got on the bus the next day, or even just after practice, she would act completely different. Maybe she’ll talk the whole ride. Maybe she will stare out the window, not really seeing anything. She has done both before. I guess it all depends on if she feels she has something to say.

……………………………..

I felt inspired by the recent comments and I took it upon myself to Google shyness and see what terminology comes for people dealing with it. I have included a list below:

Coming out of your shell, Conquer shyness, Overcoming shyness, Shaking off your shyness, No More shyness, Get Over shyness, End shyness etc.

Some of the past comments I have received from people say that it is our society that makes shyness seem wrong. Looking at the terminology used for treating shyness, one would assume that shyness is like a disease and can be treated with a simple prescription. In fact many of these words imply that using only a few tips or tricks will solve our shyness. There is another problem in that these words seem to suggest that our goal when dealing with shyness is to be rid of it completely and become some sort of super-self. I address these two problems below.

The problem with tips

Tips are everywhere. Everyone loves seeing tips on everything. How to swing a golf club, how to lose weight or how to reduce stress. Tips imply that there is a magical cure to a problem, “That through these 5 essential tips you can completely solve the problem”. I believe people with shyness have heard all the tips such as maintain eye contact, try to speak from the gut, maintain conversation by complementing something someone is wearing etc. In the end these tips do help us, but they by no means “Conquer our shyness”. In allot of ways I believe tips work because they take people’s mind from an avoidance motivation and changes it to an approach. This means that the people are now focusing on how to better themselves, rather then to avoid failure. Eventually this wears off and we a left with the same problem. Similarly when I am golfing I tell my friends a tip and they actually start doing better. The only reason it works though is because they have something to focus on and forget all the rest.

The problem with our goals for shyness

When I see the word conquering, ending, or stopping our shyness it sounds like we are curing a disease. These words give us the impression that we should become something inauthentic to ourselves. It is then our goal to stray away from ourselves and create a new self. The problem with this is that it creates cognitive dissonance, as explained in the “What is your Ideal Self” post. What we need to do is first figure out how shyness is affecting us and what we want to change. We must create real goals that we can work on such as:

Goal 1- Being more social when with friends.

Goal 2- Talking to more people of the opposite sex.

Goal 3- Engaging in more proactive events, being more ambitious to be around people.

These are real goals that we can work on. They are not ambiguous like the goal of “Riding ourselves completely of shyness”, and they don’t lead to an inevitable failure. In conclusion try to create some real obtainable goals for yourself and post them in the comments section. I will go over effective goal setting strategies in a latter post.

Q: How many wallflowers does it take to screw up a conversation? A: *. The insensitive extrovert will do it all by himself. If it Takes All Kinds to Make the World Go ‘Round, then let’s Get This Party Started by letting those Wallflowers Rebel, Sweetheart.      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My husband is an extrovert and always makes us go to these parties. I’m a bit shy and not good at talking to new people. When we drive home he gets mad at me for being a stick in the mud. How can I overcome?  — Stuck Between a Loud & Muddy Place

==

Dear Stuck,

We all think the world is exactly as we see it. Your hubby, as well as yourself. Me, too! As an extrovert, I’ve been surprised how many shy, quiet or introverted of you are, ironically, coming out of the woodwork to us here. I’m feeling like this is some kind of cool, UN-y opportunity to make the world a better place through understanding our opposites more. Read on if you agree but…

Warning! You are entering ConfrontationLand. First off, that’s a joke because most whole extroverts don’t think of talking or even strongly debating as “confrontation” and I just want you to recognize and know that right now, before moving on. Don’t anticipate pain or a blow up just because you will be simply stating your mind as an equal adult. This is your current relationship today, we’re talking about. Which brings me to why you say “always makes us go” as though you don’t have a choice. Do you truly not have one (a fundamental and serious relationship problem), or do you think, choose and therefore create this inopportunity-reality for yourself (your changeable perspective (Changing Perspective chapter))? On his side, it really bugs me that he chides you for being yourself when you’re going home. There is so much Lifetime movie fodder here! — instead, I want you to talk to him straight up, since the self-absorbed loudmouth apparently needs telling or reminding that you are less outgoing than him and always have been. That this sort of social interaction with strangers makes you feel uneasy and pushes your insecurities. And because you know he loves you so much, you know he doesn’t realize you feel like this when he insensitively insists that you go to these things. [Then take a picture of his face and email it to me.]

Rather than “fixing” either of your innate natures (or personal agendas) here, I’m going to recommend a first step of awareness through compromise. For example only, if he agrees to let you pick and choose which parties you’ll attend with him, then you promise to go to half of them. Or maybe you two can agree to stay no longer than two hours at these things. Then on your drive home develop a new habit, ga-head!, tawk amongst ya’selves and nightcap it off with a chat about something you both enjoy doing together (travel, movies, book sharing, cooking…anything!). The object here is simply to visualize pleasantries together, together. Gawd, if this bonding gets you both feeling equally loquacious, make next plans to do it!

Keep focused on the fact that you opposites came and work together as a team for a reason.

It’s yin and yang,

BW

==

Dear Stuck Between,

Don’t be a wallflower! It’s time to allow yourself to shine. I realize that our society seems to exalt the shy, willowy girl, but in real life that won’t even work on the runway. You want to feel comfortable at parties? Take back your power and be the strong, beautiful you that you are.

Parties are meant for communing with fellow humans. It is a ritual for you, not for you to impress someone else. Go into parties with the goal that you will be you. You will do what feels good to you and inspires you. Think of a few conversations you would be interested in talking about, i.e. Project Runway. Then practice a few opening lines. Don’t think of this as a script, because cheesy opening lines are no better for parties than pick ups. But practicing the lines will help you feel comfortable with what you would like to communicate.

Now, get grounded. Deep breathes. That pull in your belly is a combination of anxiety and excitement. Let you mind connect with that excitement—the part of you that wants to meet cool, friendly people that you really like. This is your opportunity! Enter the room scanning the people. SMILE. It’s not about them accepting you or approving of you. It’s about you being happy, you making new friends, you having a good time.

New people are friends you have yet to meet. Reach out and be yourself. If you have to imagine them in their underwear to do it, so be it. Think, how did you meet your husband? At some point you talked to someone you didn’t know—and it worked for you. The new people you meet may be interesting enough for your interest, and maybe not. It’s like an interview, you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. Is it a good fit?

Breathe. Love you and let you shine. You have a beautiful, individual perspective that you want to share and others want to receive. Do not let insecurity and fear make you a wallflower. Rise above. You are the belle of the party if you believe it. And the more you practice, the easier it is to believe.

Shine on,

GoodWitch

==

Image, Karin Lowney-Seed

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I’m reading about shyness and why “so many self-help books sound the same”; this blog entry points us to a Psychology Today blog entry that I thought was pretty interesting.  For example: “The brain is built to firstly minimize danger, before maximizing rewards. This means people tend to naturally err on the side of cautious, even when the opposite would be better.”

Completely unrelatedly, I also loved these photographs of a sleeping cat and a sleeping sheep.

So you are thinking or know you want to model or give it a test. Well don’t be shy about asking to shoot. If you really want to shoot, that is what me and other photographers are here for. Most import if you book a shoot, stick to that date and time. The most frustrating thing for a photographer is when we have someone that wants to shoot and book a date and never show up. That’s not cool and isn’t professional. So if you want to set a date, lets do it. Shoot rates are based on project.

Chubs:

I know you’ve been wondering, World, so I will tell you: I did go Out today. The sack is green and woven, and inside it was nice and snug. Layla pushed the top of the bag down so I could see, and put me on the front “passenger” seat; yes, I, Chubs, was the Passenger. She talked to me all the while, and when a good song came on the radio, she helped me climb out of the bag so I could dance, and dance I did, right there on the seat while Layla was driving.

We went to Michaels, and today Layla brought me in the store. She carried me in the sack, and let one strap hang down so I could see properly, and brought in our umbrella so that I wouldn’t get even a tiny bit wet if it were to rain. We were looking for a pretty box of just the right size for some of Little Layla’s special things. Big Layla wanted a kind she’s seen before, and got a little frustrated when she couldn’t find any of those, but little Layla found one that she liked, no problem. And even though it said “hope” and Big Layla didn’t think there was any on this particular topic, she still let Little Layla have the one she wanted (and that’s why I like Big Layla).

Then another good song came on the radio, and I sure wanted to dance! I was in the sack, though, and my legs couldn’t move very well, so I thought it would be fun if Layla would dance, and, because I asked, she put a little bounce in her step and swayed from side to side a little. I thought, how sad to be so shy, but then she pointed out that she was the only one in the sore dancing at all, so I decided she’s actually pretty special.

It didn’t rain. We got back in the car with Little Layla’s new box without even needing to use the umbrella. I can’t wait until the first time I get to use the umbrella. I love umbrellas! And the first time Layla forgets the umbrella and has to stick me under her coat and run really fast, that will be even funner. But for today it was fun just to sit in the sack with the closed, dry umbrella, feeling cozy and relaxed.

And on the way home we listened to music and Layla sang loud and said how she felt self-conscious in the store but not with me, and how much she liked that about me. And I watched the clouds that crouched over the city, gray like the road, and Layla guessed at what people might have thought about why she was carrying a purple stuffed dragon through the store, and we laughed and laughed.

It was a very good day, World.

The title of this post is referring to a popular book called “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” by biologist and author Robert Sapolsky. The book takes the analogy of how zebras in the wild have to deal with the very real dangers of a lurking lion, water drought or a whole host of diseases, and he compares it to how humans have an illusive fear of potential dangers such as meetings, work and traffic. From this we would assume that the zebra would become prone to anxiety and need weekly counselling sessions! However the opposite is true because in an animal’s mind they do not ruminate upon potential dangers and while humans do.

I have included an excerpt from the first page of the book so you can get a sense of the book.

“It’s two o’clock in the morning and you’re lying in bed. You have something immensely important and challenging to do that next day- a critical meeting, a presentation, an exam. You have to get a decent night’s rest, but you’re still wide awake. You try different strategies for relaxing- take deep, slow breaths, try to imagine restful mountain scenery- but instead you keep thinking that unless you fall asleep in the next minute, your career is finished. Thus you lie there, more tense by the second.” (Sapolsky, 2004, pg 1)

Robert goes on to talk about how this constant stress has a serious effect upon our health but I will stop there and relate this to social anxiety. In the same way humans ruminate upon their social engagements in life and this can cause considerable stress. For people who are shy this stress is only magnified till the point where they will avoid many social situations because of these fears. The title of this post is poking fun at the title of Robert Sapolsky’s book by saying that zebras do not get ulcers and they do not have social anxiety as well. The constant stress experienced by humans contributes to a whole host of health problems such as heart disease, immune disorders and even cancer.

I’m not saying to go into the jungle and start living like a zebra, but instead that humans are unique from many other animals in the ways we create non-sense stress and we need to address this issue.

References:

R., Sapolsky (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. Holt Paperbacks, New York.

Here’s a link to a great famous article about the hikikomori phenomenon:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/15/magazine/15japanese.html?ei=5090&en=7a1fdac3eb790b32&ex=1294981200&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all

Posted via email from HikiCulture – A Forum For Reclusive People (and Hikikomori)

We live in a world of limitless potential. Opportunities wait around every corner. Every day as one business closes another 5 begin. Just as there are opportunities being exploited there are many around there laying dormant.  The problem is that too few people have the necessary entrepreneurial spirit to find these opportunities. They somehow think that riches and success are going to just fall into their lap. If we are to make the most of the world we have to learn to get out there and make some bold decisions.

Many of us have jobs that involve following instructions and orders.   While this is alright for some the truly successful person operates according to their own rules. Crucial to this success is being able to make the right decisions off their own back, by combining the principles of self confidence  and judgement . This is what we mean when we talk about taking the initiative.

We have all heard of the expression to ‘take the initiative’.  Its meaning can also be expressed in another saying ‘seizing the moment’ . Great people throughout history have attained their success from knowing when to throw their lot in and go for it.  Timid and meek behaviour is very rarely rewarded with financial or personal success; although it is often the easiest option.  Of course very few people have attained success by being completely reckless either. The secret is finding the right balance between daring and caution.

One way to define initiative that accommodates both daring and caution is in the concept of calculated risk.  A calculated risk is not simply a gamble nor is it an educated guess. Calculated risk means taking a decision that comes with it the risk of failure.   However rather than being just a random act, like a bet on a horse, this decision is based on a both gut feeling and evidence. This evidence can be based on relevant things we know in the outside world, but it can also be about things we know about ourselves.

Self awareness is the key to taking the correct initiative. If we are confident and honest with ourselves, then naturally it follows that we will take action that is balanced between knowledge and a desire to get things done. Rash decision making should be replaced with calm rational and decisive  action.  The difference between success and failure can be made in a snap decision.  By being self aware you are conscious of your own skills and your limitations. It is important to not confuse confidence with arrogance. If you are planning a new business venture make sure you have done as much research as possible. Make your decision a calculated risk.

You will find one of the benefits to be gained from being a success at taking the initiative is enhanced social status. We attach an almost mythical quality to brave daring leaders. You will find that people will value your judgement and ability to think under pressure. Everyone from staff, customers, bosses and friends and family will begin to gravitate towards you. You will be seen as that rare individual. Some one who not only keeps control in the heat of the moment, but who also gets results.

These are the necessary preconditions for leadership and success. To be a leader you must be willing to step up to the plate. You must possess the self confidence and swagger that will enable you to make the big decisions. In essence you must inspire others to have confidence in you.

There are unhelpful character traits that will inhibit a successful outcome to initiative taking. One of the first things you need to eliminate are any elements of procrastination from your character. If you are the sort of person who says ‘it can wait till next week ‘ frequently then this applies to you.  The reason why this is so important is that your mind set directly effects your behaviour and daily habits. Even being lazy towards somewhat trivial things in a business can have a corrosive effect on your overall attitude.

In order to fully eliminate this unhelpful character trait consider setting yourself daily goals.  Every day look for – and then take action- on at least one thing that needs to be done.  You need to get your mind used to thinking in a way that encourages initiative. The more you do that then the more you will turn initiative taking in to a routine behaviour.

For help and information on self-confidence visit: http://www.theconfidencetriggercan.com

I just read a blog post by David Rock on Psychology Today describing why every self-help book is based upon the same fundamentals of the brain. He calls them the quirks of the brain and they represent the rudiments of human nature that we often forget about, and that we need new self-help books to rediscover them. He postulates that every self-help book is the same in that they talk about each of these quirks except in different ways.

He lists five quirks but I’ll only list the three I believe most significant to shyness:

1. Firstly the brain is built to minimize danger before maximizing rewards. Meaning people tend to be naturally cautious.
2. Uncertainty feels dangerous and we tend to avoid the potential for future pain.
3. Our conscious processing capacity is small, meaning that we tend to lack the ability to predict future emotions.

In terms of shyness we find the same quirks of the brain. People with shyness tend to minimize the potential danger by avoiding social situations and discounting the potential rewards associated with these social engagements. Shy people also find uncertainty as very dangerous and many avoid the future pain. Shy people may also predict being happier if they avoid social situations then if they were to engage.

In many ways shyness is a failure in self-regulation in which a person knows they would benefit from the exposure of engaging in a social engagement, but they give into their fears. I believe that shy people know that they should make the effort to be more social, and they want to as well, but that when the situation arises their brains give into these basic human quirks. It may be that every self-help book on shyness is the same and is addressing these underlying flaws of the human brain. I personally believe that these quirks are true, but I know there is a lot more to shyness then a failure to self-regulate. However it does help us all to look at our caveman brains and how we are all similar on the fundamental quirks.

References:

David Rock (2009) Why do so many self-help books sound the same. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-brain-work/200908/why-do-so-many-self-help-books-sound-the-same.

There are few things worse for parents than to see their children not enjoying life.  Many parents are concerned about whether their child is getting along with the other children and socializing. In many cases children are found often hanging out with themselves alone and it begs to question

“Why Are These Children So Shy?”.

In the recent years there has been many researchers working on recognizing the heterogeneous categories of behaviors that distinguish why one child acts shy compared to another. The literature suggests that there are three groups of children who lack socializing. First is the conflicted shyness which refers to children who play alone because they are too anxious and fearful to interact, but they do have a strong intention to interact. These children normally suffer from insecurity, self-consciousness, anxiety, and the trait of neuroticism will normally continue throughout life. The second is labeled the social disinterest group and these children play alone because they do not have a strong motivation to engage in social interaction. This group is often called the introverted shyness group, in which these individuals could be effective in social interaction but instead would rather be alone. The third group is labeled active isolation and these children play alone because the other children do not wish to interact with them. The first two groups are considered to be internal to the children while the third group is external. Often the active isolation children suffer from not knowing how to appropriately act around other children. For example many children with ADHD problems socialize too much and can be considered overwhelming to others that the children ignore them completely.

Implications:

Realizing that there are different reasons for why children play alone is the first step into understanding how to help them. It wouldn’t make any sense to treat an active isolation child by assessing their anxiety to socialize. Or to treat the social disinterest by teaching them appropriate methods of communicating with others. Each group reveals many different paths for how children can play alone. Conflicted shyness with anxiety, social disinterest with motivational, and active isolation with behavioral.

Each of these groups has much research examining the origins, causes and correlates associated with them. To discuss this all would take too long for one post so I will come back to this at a later time describing each group in more detail.

References:

Coplan, R., Prakash, K., O’Neil, K., Armer, M. (2004). Do you “want” to play? Distinguishing between conflicted shyness and social disinterest in early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 40, 244-258.

Performing a Google search for the extremely common word ‘reclusive’ makes the HikiCulture discussion boards appear right near the top of the first page of search results. This is great news, but it is also somewhat scary considering that anyone performing a search for that term, be it family members or friends, could come across the site! My family/friends already know that I’m a reclusive Aspergian, but they’d perhaps wonder why the hell I started a website on the topic.

In the future, I plan to host HikiCulture (or a similar site) on my very own servers. This will give me more freedom; it will allow me to install lots of modifications and basically do whatever I please (as far as forum-administration goes). I’m not sure if I will use phpBB forum-software or switch to something else, but at the present, phpBB is likely the best open-source forum software available. vBulletin is, to some, on par with phpBB, but there’s one massive flaw with it – it’s ugly as hell. I usually don’t care much about aesthetics when it comes to most things, especially computer-related, but vBulletin is an exception here. Powerful it is —- pretty it is not.

I never imagined that the site would get so many users so quickly. At first the site was somewhat of a ‘experiment’ of mine to see how successful it would become, but it’s getting big enough that it would actually be worth-while to host the forum on my own servers. When and if I run the forums off my own servers, I don’t know.

Booyaka!

Posted via email from HikiCulture – A Forum For Reclusive People

Oh Boy! For the past weeks I haven’t really prayed a lot. I have prayed but not for more than 10-20 minutes. I have made excuses upon excuses upon excuses. There were times when I really wanted to, I will set the alarm for 3 or 4am, the alarm will ring and I will be so tired to put my feet down.

If you really do pray and then for some time you don’t pray like you used to, you start feeling weak and empty, as if you have betrayed God. Why? Because He’s doing everything for you but you just aren’t doing your part. Ohhh of course you might go to church, pay your tithe, read your bible and all but deep down you feel there’s something lacking in your spirit. You try as much as possible to get rid of that feeling but you can’t. Then you start feeling like you haven’t prayed for so long that you are afraid to stand before God and say you’re sorry. Why? Because it isn’t the first time you have done something like that.

I have had that feeling. Of course things were going good physically because God cares for you even when you turn your back on Him, but deep within your soul there’s that void that can only be filled by God. Definitely, physically, you’re fine, smiling at everybody, everything seems good but you’re not happy. And that sadness could lead to depression which could eventually kill you because on the inside you just don’t feel good. Nobody told me I had to pray, I knew I needed to pray, we all do. And it is not that quickly rattled pray when you remember you haven’t prayed. No! I’m talking about that communion with your Father who made you. Most of us like to spend hours on end with our friends and family but want to quickly be done when they go to church, they want to quickly rush their prayer, they get tired when they pray for long. You spend so much time with your friends and not with God who looks after you when you don’t even regard Him. Sometimes we treat God like He’s some being who has everything He needs, and does whatever He wants and He can do without us. Why do you think someone of that nature will make you anyway since He has everything He needs? He needs us, you and I to have communion with Him, to talk to Him, to LISTEN to Him too. God is all in all, YES! But He needs man. Remember the Bible says that He’s a jealous God. As in when we put other gods before Him, He’s jealous. You think if God didn’t mind you or what you did, or needed He’d be jealous? He’s jealous of the little things we put before Him: television, video games, shopping, money, cars, houses, travelling, jobs, and education. I’m not saying those things are not good, I’m saying that when you put them before God, He gets jealous.

If you were like me and had troubling praying for one reason or the other, God needs you and I to commune with Him. (Remember what He did during Noah’s time when every human forgot about Him except Noah, he wiped them off) We can’t do well without God. Stop making excuses and go to God in prayer. Tell Him you’re sorry (it doesn’t matter if it is the 100^th time you’re saying it), and pray then listen. All that lack of the divine experience and lack of something will be filled by God. It doesn’t matter what kind of sin you committed and for how long you have been doing it. Just talk to God. Don’t rush it. Spend time talking with Him. Believe me you won’t regret it. The enemy wants to get you cold, and so ashamed that you feel God isn’t there anymore or that he won’t listen to you because of what you’ve done. He’s lying! He always has! God is still there. Bible says He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Go to God today in prayer and pray like you mean to.

A student at a madrassa, who was very shy as well as amused when I asked if I could click her image.

All the images on this blog are protected by copyright. Please do not copy, blog or repost in ANY way. If you wish to use them please get in touch with me through email.

Gordon Brown is quoted in The Telegraph as saying,

“I could present our message a lot better, I’m actually shy by nature rather than extrovert, someone who feels that your actions should speak for themselves, but that’s not the way politics works these days.”

What a load of bollocks! Politics has never worked that way. Great leadership has always been reflected through the delivery of speeches, since the dawn of the spoken word.

“In this crisis I hope I may be pardoned if I do not address the House at any length today. I hope that any of my friends and colleagues, or former colleagues, who are affected by the political reconstruction, will make allowance, all allowance, for any lack of ceremony with which it has been necessary to act. I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government: “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.”

We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival. Let that be realised; no survival for the British Empire, no survival for all that the British Empire has stood for, no survival for the urge and impulse of the ages, that mankind will move forward towards its goal. But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, “come then, let us go forward together with our united strength.”
Winston Churchill

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character”
Martin Luther King

“My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.

Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God’s work must truly be our own.”
John F Kennedy

“Referring to woman’s sphere in life, I’ll say that woman is always right. For twenty-five years I’ve been a woman’s rights man. I have always believed, long before my mother died, that, with her gray hairs and admirable intellect, perhaps she knew as much as I did. Perhaps she knew as much about voting as I.

If all the women in this town had a vote today they would elect a mayor at the next election, and they would rise in their might and change the awful state of things now existing here.”
Mark Twain

Excuse me – is there a leader in the house? Your country needs you!