48

I’ve been struggling to write something, anything, the past few days. This blog is a writing exercise and perhaps it needs to take a different direction. It’s already extrapolation and though an integral part of its premise is honesty, brutal if it must be, I am not particularly devoted to its being a truthful representation (of what?). I say things as they come and sometimes the real world interferes and the odd friend who reads this might ask me something about it. Sometimes, there’s something concrete to say but often I’m a bit surprised at how literally things I say are taken. I’m surprised because sometimes I catch fleeting thoughts that would be soon forgotten if I didn’t note them. I do note them. But I make no claim as to ownership. I don’t even know if I’m the author of my thoughts let alone whether I own them.

But I’ve been living in silence lately. I don’t know how to explain this. I’ve been very comfrortable outside language and I haven’t figured out how to take that and put it in language. Greater minds have tried, Wittgenstein, Lao Tze, and I guess poets also try all the time. Myself, I’m not sure even how to lay out the beginning and end of words and not even sure this is the proper terrain. Yet, this is what I’d like to be able to talk about.

47

Great novelists start with banal premises such as: he touched her shoulder and she smiled, a little bit too quickly, and thought that maybe he was interested in her afterall. Then, they do interesting things with banality and I’m always amazed. People like Kingsley Amis and Charles Bukowski, to name two, who can take you through thought processes honestly and bluntly and there’s the rub, poetically. For me, thoughts fly by and I catch them sometimes and scrutinise them and I’ve been horny lately in a strange way and this has produced interesting thoughts. Not so much interested in sex, but rather in performing post-mortem examinations on attractions. I’ve always been good at telling who’s attracted to me though far from omniscient. I get confused when the attraction is reciprocal because I start doubting myself. At some point, I realise and then I examine. I realised maybe more than a year later that my friend __ was attracted to me. It hadn’t occurred to me. Probably because at the time I was depressed and beginning a dysfunctional relationship with someone else. And now, I find myself kind of attracted to some people and for the strangest reasons. I had a sex dream about one and it was quite nice and he was drunkenly talking to me last Sunday and I felt I called him to me because I did and I did give him my number when he asked for it but I thought: he has the guts to ask and this should be rewarded. Behind that thought was someone else that I should have the guts to approach but I’m cowardly about these things. When I don’t care too much I’m upfront and charming in my honesty. And thinking I must leave past commitments behind because I need to emotionally follow through with the current state of the universe, I’ve started attracting males again as single females tend to do eventually. So this ramble really is meant for me to tell myself to simply have the guts to flirt.

Zaknafein, Drizzt's father, being sacrificed to Lolth.

I’ve been in contact with a good friend of mine who is a guitarist/vocalist for an amazing local progressive metal band called Blind Defeat. Currently, he is busy recording material for their upcoming album. However, during that time, I will be hitting the books and paper hard coming up with lyrics for a power metal side project we agreed to work on.

I don’t know if my friend plans to do any lyric writing yet, but so far I have planned out four songs for the album: two that are inspired by a lady interest, but written in complete epic fantasy romance and tragedy, and two that will be inspired by R. A. Salvatore’s The Legend of Drizzt series in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting: one based on the tragedy of Ellifain, a female elf that Drizzt had spared during a drow raid on the surface world, and a five or more movement epic detailing the events in The Dark Elf Trilogy that lead to Drizzt’s betrayal of his evil race and quest to reach the surface world alone. I may write one more song based on the rivalry between Drizzt and Artemis Entreri.

Most of our influences for the album come from the German power metal band Blind Guardian, however I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up drawing up more progressive influences from bands like Dream Theater and Opeth. We are planning to have strong choruses, powerful vocal leads, and everything else you’d expect out of a fantasy cheese power metal band. In addition to writing lyrics over winter break, I’ll also be working heavily on building my vocals and my trumpet playing. There’s a chance we’ll add an orchestra track to the album, mostly synthesized but with live trumpet recorded.

Regardless, what I feel will really separate us from other fantasy-inspired bands is topic matter. While telling the stories of Drizzt, the lyrics will contain deep topics such as taking control of one’s life, dealing with racism, losing a father and vengeance. The two romance songs I’m planning are going to deal with love (obviously) and dealing with losing a loved one.

I will write more on this as more news arrives.

46

Small things, slow building of relationships. The pace is patient. I’ve been cultivating one to one relationships and my goal in all of them is to give the other space to speak and express themselves with me actively listening. I’m trying to become a better person. Always. But I’m actively pursuing it this year whereas the year before that I was more actively involved in healing myself. I’ve learned that people are more important than ideas. (Thank you thank you depression.) Listening is a pleasure and I’m learning something that I never really believed in the past: everyone is interesting.

45

Home might be a set of routines.
Getting somewhere via specific routes. A coffee shop you go to read. Shared experiences creating a sense of community.
Perhaps Dalian hadn’t felt like home because it took me longer to establish routines.
Or perhaps, and this is a different proposition, Dalian feels like more like home now because I’ve established some routines (which I’m already breaking, sometimes).
Swimming in the sea on Monday and Friday. (Today, we struck gold by way of a combination of favourable weather and a sensible swimming timeframe so we could actually feel our fingers and toes on exit.) Belly dancing. (Sway, dance and learn how to control your body.) Saturday night dinner with E. a sixty-something woman who decided to leave her husband behind a few years ago to travel the world, wow. (Routine firmly established and centred around the very female ways of talking and listening to each other.) Sunday lunch. Sunday night quiz. I’m making my world a familiar place again.

44

I believe in prayer. Not to a god of organised religion but to something, somehow, which works. After having physically experienced the otherworldly I’ve come to believe. I pray because somehow my thoughts affect matter. As your thoughts do too. Be it through subtle changes in your behaviour or mine, it works. Things get done. And so I pray for her and her family as they embark in new adventures. I pray for the best outcome possible because I’m not in a position to make it more specific. My thoughts are with them.

43

I woke up today and decided I wasn’t going to see anyone. I wasn’t going to go belly dancing. I wasn’t going to go swimming in the sea. I was going to be alone. I did this because I need days alone and they’re hard to come by lately. I stayed in bed and read my book for a couple of hours. Kingsley Amis’ “Lucky Jim”, because I need a break from SF and also because it’s an actual book and not a digital copy and much as I love and appreciate my Sony Reader and its great readable screen I’ve missed the experience of reading from a physical book. It smells like a second-hand book should and it has a history. Some student was studying this for English Literature A-level or something and it’s underlined, predictably. It took me back to school when I was underlining books looking for themes to delineate some line of argument the teacher already decided we should make. Or themes. Evidence. Characters. I turn to page 41 to find: “fair hair, straight and cut short, with brown eyes and no lipstick” moving on to: “The sight of her seemed an irresistable attack on his own habits, standards, and ambitions. Something designed to put him in his place for good.” And so on and so forth.
I decided to make my own mark on the book even though I’ve borrowed it and I didn’t ask for permission. I thought, and I think rightly I thought this, that the book’s owner would appreciate the thought. The book has a story so I wrote that the book found its way to Dalian, China adding the date. Horrible handwriting, predictably.

42

I met a girl last week when I was covering a class for a colleague. On our way out we chatted and she told me, “you like a quiet life, don’t you?” and I said “yes” and I think it’s true. What makes my life exciting to me is not loud and so sometimes I find it hard to put in language (make noise). Sometimes I am ovewhelmed and I tell people about this amazing spider web I saw. And sometimes I wish I’d find the medium to express to others the joy of everyday events such as walking down the street, stopping to pet a dog and meeting the dog’s owner, a three year old boy who instantly smiled (pure) and started babbling on in Chinese. This incident filled me with joy and such things in my life always do and I don’t often need to tell but this time I did — I wanted to tell someone about this boy and his dog and the boy’s smile and his genuine and pure interaction so I’m telling you.

41

I would think it strange to have a baby and then give it to my parents to raise because I wasn’t an experienced parent. But there you have it, this is what happens in China and I still find it strange even though I don’t find many things strange. I wasn’t surprised at the pain I could feel coming from her person. She sounded like she was trying to convince herself that having a three year old son she hardly knew was a good thing. She said, “I don’t have experience. Maybe one day when I have enough experience I will try again.”
It was difficult for her to say her son wasn’t very affectionate towards her. But she told me that when she asks him “do you love me?” he says “yes, I do”. I told her, “of course he loves you” and she seemed unsure as to whether to believe me. I was thinking of my own mother and how I hated her for years until I realised that I hated her because I loved her and she wasn’t there for me, physically or emotionally. Of course I loved her.

‘Rewind’: exquisite production, downer play

The side project theatre company presents:

Rewind

By Laura Eason
Directed by Anna C. Bahow
Through Dec. 20 (ticket info)

reviewed by Leah A. Zeldes

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way. They were the next big thing in rock. But Noah walked away. Elisha married that asshole. And now Jim’s dead — leaving them all to wonder — ‘How did we get here?’”

That spoiler comes straight out of promotions for Rewind, up-and-coming Chicago playwright Laura Eason’s new play, now in world-premiere by the side project, in Rogers Park, so I’m not giving anything away. The trouble with plays that start at the end is that they tend to lack suspense.

While the flashback can be an effective theatrical technique to fill audiences in on the back story, it can go too far. This play doesn’t flashback so much as reverse crawl.

Partly inspired by the playwright’s own experiences in Chicago’s indie music scene and influenced by the 1996 suicide of Jim Ellison, front man for the Chicago power pop trio Material Issue, Rewind begins in 1998, when the members of his onetime band, childhood friend Noah and ex-lover Elisha, find the body of Jim, a talented but troubled and unsuccessful songwriter and musician. Then the drama steps back — rewinds, get it? — through the threesome’s life to the band’s beginnings in 1981.

We wait for some startling revelation or inspiring moment, but none appear. What we get is an old, old story — familiar to anyone who knows anything about the music business: Talent is not enough; you also need perseverance, responsibility, belief in yourself and a good deal of luck.

As the play progresses backwards, we see the band’s deteriorating relationships; Jim’s insecurity over whether his music is really good enough; issues of personal loyalty vs. business expediency; troubles with their record label; their opportunistic manager; the bitter contrast of a younger musician achieving the success that’s eluded them; and, finally, their hopeful start. The depressing history of a million failed garage bands.

Side project presents the play in its typically flawless way — perhaps unintentionally reinforcing the theme: Fine acting, an effective set and excellent staging and direction aren’t enough, either.

Chip Davis is suitably intense as Jim, and Zach Buell nicely expressive as his always-supportive pal, Noah. Cyd Blakewell plays the somewhat selfish Elisha with just the right blend of innocence and self-interest. Supporting actors Shane Kenyon and Brett Schneider do good work as well.

Sound Designer Misha Fiksel hunted out local music from the period (a pity it’s only used incidentally). Set Designer Annette Vargas dappled the 30-seat theater with bright spray-paint graffiti and hung the walls with colorful band posters from Chicago print house Screwball Press that list all local indie music spots of the period: Lounge Ax, Double Door, the Empty Bottle, the Aragon Ballroom.

The audience sits on two sides of the intimate stage, where Director Anna C. Bahow makes adept use of the few stage furnishings to convey 17 different scenes. She moves her cast in and out with exquisite pacing.

Yet although Rewind is performed without intermission in just 90 minutes, its utter predictability makes it seem much longer.

Rating: ★★½

Note: Allow time to find street parking.

Thursday, November 19

Rewind  by Laura Eason

the side project 
1439 W. Jarvis, Chicago

Get behind the music: join the side project as we kick off our 9th season, and be among the first to see Laura Eason’s latest play Rewind before it’s official opening! The evening includes a special session with the production team, including Sound Designer (and DJ) Misha Fiksel, who will discuss the iconic music from Chicago bands which influenced the show’s story and soundscape. Catering will be provided by Rogers Park favorite Luzzat.Starting in 1998 and told backwards, Rewind follows the life of a would-be rock musician from his premature death to his teenage dreams of a music career. Partly based on Eason’s experiences in Chicago’s independent music scene in the 90s, the play asks what success means when loyalities and lifelong dreams are intertwined.

Event begins at 7 p.m.
Show begins at 8 p.m.

TICKETS ONLY $20 

For reservations visit www.thesideproject.net or call 773-973-2150 and mention “Theater Thursdays.”

Recently, I’ve noticed that more new clients are coming my way with a single request: to help them revive or resurrect a project, web site, or product that has failed in the past. I’m also capable of creating failed projects myself — sometimes I look at my track record and try to fix my worst projects hoping that I can make them better.

How do you know if a project has failed? Although you can have specific quantifiers such as revenue or number of users, the simple way is to ask yourself this: “Did it meet any of its objectives?” If the answer is no, then that means you’ve got a failed project in your hands. Some of these projects can remain buried and forgotten, but there are others that you can’t stop thinking about even years down the road.

What do you do if there’s an old failed project that you want to bring back to life?

Why Try Again?

The first thing I do when I try to resurrect an old project, whether it’s mine or a client’s, is to evaluate why it should be done. The reason is sometimes simple. It could be that when the project started, the people working on it weren’t mature or skilled enough to give it the proper follow-through. Now that they know better, they think it’s time to try again.

This was the case with one of my new clients. When he started his blog, he bought into get-rich-quick schemes and short-term tips on how to boost traffic. As his blog’s advertising income diminished and he saw few returning visitors, he called the project a failure. After looking into his mistakes, he’s determined to try again. It’s the classic case of being passionate about a project but not knowing enough to execute it well.

There may be many reasons to revive a failed project, but there’s one you should avoid. Don’t bring it back to life just because you have nothing better to do. I have to admit that sometimes this is the justification I have, and every time I use it all I get is a new way to fail at an old project. “Well, I need something new to work on…” is not going to cut it if you want to rework an old mistake and turn it into something great.

Evaluate Your Past Efforts

The first things we need to look at are our mistakes. In “The Dip“, Seth Godin lists 7 different reasons why one might fail. This includes the lack of time, money, or enthusiasm. Other reasons include picking the wrong thing to try, getting scared, not being serious enough, or focusing too much on the short term. In the failed projects I’ve evaluated, I can see that all of them failed because of at least one of these reasons.

Many of my failed projects, and even some of my clients’ failed projects, were also the result of a lack of definition. Here are some of its common symptoms:

• Saying “Our target audience is everybody.”
• Adding all the possible features and widgets into the project, even when they are unnecessary.

Apart from looking at these past mistakes, we also need to celebrate our successes. In the midst of all the chaos, what worked for you? What went well before the project failed? By looking back at both our successes and our mistakes, we can be better prepared for our next attempt to make it work.

Starting Over

If you’ve realized that resurrecting your failed project is the best thing to do, there are some things you need to keep in mind:

• Remember to quantify. “What’s measured improves,” as Peter Drucker once wrote. If you can, quantify the hours, cost, and other resources used up by your project. Other necessary statistics such as sales, users, and bug reports should also be recorded. By keeping a close eye on the numbers, we can predict most incoming challenges and plan for them accordingly.
• Things to avoid. Instead of just writing a lengthy to-do list, why not factor in your previous mistakes and remind yourself what you shouldn’t do? It’s easy to fall back on bad habits, especially if new processes take longer to pay off.
• Keep it simple. Whether you’re relaunching an old product, service, community, or blog, start with the simplest version you can possibly think of. This allows your project to remain flexible when there are a lot of unpredictable and volatile factors that may affect your success.

The truth is that it takes a lot of planning, effort and passion to bring an old project back to life. If done right, the attempt is usually worth it.

Have you ever tried to revive a failed project such as a blog, online community or an app? What was your experience like?

Image by eduardtrag from sxc.hu

So life at work got a little hectic so I had to put my side project on hold for now. I hope to pick it up again in the future. In the mean time I am going to try and write 3 substantial blog posts before the end of the year.

CMJ Saddle Creek Showcase
The Knitting Factory, Brooklyn
Thursday October 22nd 2009

9:00 Beep Beep
10:00 UUVVWWZ
11:00 Old Canes
12:00 Orenda Fink
1:00 Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson

This Thursday, October 22nd, Beep Beep kicks off Saddle Creek’s showcase in the appropriately placed Knitting Factory; appropriate, because it is in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and a hop, skip, and a jump from my front fucking door! Beep Beep is an eclectic 5 piece with band members ranging from Darren Keen, one man beat dropper of The Show Is the Rainbow, to Ian Francis, lacerating drummer from The Machete Archive, a progressive postrock bud of a band making noise in Nebraska (check out Keen’s newest release Wet Fist, definitely worth a listen, and The Machete Archive’s debut Tempus Omnia Vorat).

Beep Beep is textured with threads of comfortable androgyny. Their music is a soft velveteen seduction, punctuated by the jarring insertion of an almost violent outburst of guitar and drums. Come prepared to swallow the groove, to ogle the hot one in the crowd, to watch Beep Beep set the cool and smooth in motion only to knock each other off center, exposing the slightest tension in an otherwise graceful fusion of romance and erotic emanations. It is like listening to Sade, Morrissey, and the Rapture at the same time. YUM!

Other bands gracing the stage are UUVVWWZ, a band that has come a long way from their humble beginnings. This band personified all that was musically confected in 2007; I knew it was only a matter time before someone caught on. Jim Schroder still plays his masterful guitar. These guys are quite the fucking experiment so it should be interesting to some and lost to others.

Old Canes, fronted by Chris Crisci of The Apple Seed Cast, is an amazing acoustic oriented Americana act that keeps its home in Lawrence, Kansas. This will be an great addition to the lineup. I know that Mr. Crisci and I share a love for Sunny Day Real Estate.

Next is Orenda Fink, wife of Todd Fink of The Faint, is an excellent folk singer armed with an arsenal of talent. Her bucolic lyrics and melodies are simply gorgeous. She could have been the Muse that possessed 27 year old James Agee to write Let Us Now Praise Famous Men.

The night ends with Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson, a surprisingly young dude with a very strong voice and a unique approach to making pop music, which seems to be his forte. This man’s emotions may get the better of him, but as he explodes on stage, it will be a powerful unraveling.

-F

http://www.myspace.com/beepbeep
http://www.myspace.com/uuvvwwz
http://www.myspace.com/oldcanes
http://www.myspace.com/milesbenjaminanthonyrobinson
http://www.myspace.com/orendafink

Related
http://www.myspace.com/themachetearchive
http://www.myspace.com/theshowistherainbow

Have you heard of Tim Lambesis’ latest project? His parody and tribute to actor and current governor of Ca. Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Austrian Death Machine is Lambesis’ American Trash Metal project bassed out of San Diego, Ca. and seems to be making more commotion then ArnoCorps was able to.

In July 2008 Austrian Death Machine released their first album Total Brutal on Metal Blade Records which turned out to be a smash hit. Making each song as “brutal” as possible as Ahhnold states on track 4 of Total Brutal, “You think the songs all sound the same? Of course they sound the same! Because they all sound BRUTAL!”

Austrian Death Machine is everything that you should hear from a heavy metal band, but not one to be over looked and dismissed. There sound is violent and fun; placing a guitar solo in every song, lyrics to sing along with, a fast pace tempo to you can circle pit o and an obvious build up to the breakdown for you to mosh to.

Their lyrics? Their lyrics are just fun, a fun poke at Hollywood screen writers who came up with the ideas for the greats such as Kindergarten Cop and The Terminator.  Each song is based on a different one of the governator’s flicks. There is nothing pretty about them, just fast, pissed, brutal, funny and juvenile lyrics on every track. Take a listen to Total Brutal, and when you are done you will be quoting their hilarious lines later with friends.

Tracks on Total Brutal include “It Is Not A Tumor,” “If It Bleeds We Can Kill It” and “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers,” sensing some of Schwarzenegger’s movies?

A few months after the release of Total Brutal, Austrian Death Machine got into the holiday spirit with a Christmas themed album called A Very Brutal Christmas.

Then after some touring with As I Lay Dying, Lambesis put all of his ideas for a fallow up of Total Brutal to action in a double disk effort, Double Brutal. Double Brutal’s first disk would be all original Austrian Death Machine songs and disk two would contain a brutal complement of cover songs such as, Iron Fist by Motorhead and Trapped Under Ice by Matalica. The pre-sale of Double Brutal on the Austrian Death Machine site gave the first 100 orders a free set of three limited edition Austrian Death Machine guitar picks, Double Brutal was released in stores and online on Sep. 29, 2009.

Austrian Death Machine is a team effort of Lambesis, lead vocals, guitar, bass and drums, and Chad Ackerman, also known as Ahhnold, Schwarzenegger vocals, and a couple of their close musical friends such as; Adam Dutkiewicz of Killswitch Engage, Nick Hipa of As I Lay Dying, Andrew Tapley of The Human Abstract and Buz McGrath of Unearth.

A simple brutal side project has come to amount to a great success with a strong fallowing. If you have yet to check Austrian Death Machine out, find yourself a copy of Total Brutal or Double Brutal today.

Whether people like it or not, music is ever-changing. Nowadays, it’s not the same as it was when the band(s) first started. Bands are changing. They’re taking risks, taking chances. Experimenting with sounds that are out of their comfort zones.

Two good examples of this, in my opinion, are AFI’s Davey Havok and Jade Puget in the side-project Blaqk Audio, and Aiden’s frontman Wil Francis with his solo project, William Control.

Blaqk Audio’s sound is just amazing. I know I probably use the word ‘amazing’ a lot when I’m talking about music, but this truly is. The synths that were ever-so-present on AFI’s record Decemberunderground, take center stage on Blaqk’s debut CexCells, an electronic-rock tour de force. Despite the fact that the music is in a totally different direction than what AFI fans are used to, the lyrics are still incredible. The lyrics that are wrapped around every song aren’t the AFI poetry one would usually look to; they’re so much more than that. It’s a side of Havok and Puget that you’ve never seen until now.

Once again, I’ll be totally honest, I didn’t know about Blaqk Audio until I read the article in October’s issue of Revolver. The same article that made me excited for Crash Love. I’d heard the song “Stiff Kittens” once, but honestly never knew who it was. After listening to all of CexCells, I fell in love. My favorites are “Stiff Kittens”, “Bitter For Sweet”, “Cities Of Night”, “Where Would You Like Them Left?”, and “The Love Letter”. I know that I also say that I fall in love when I listen to music a lot, too, and it’s true. There’s a possibility that I’d been potentially heartbroken if I didn’t have music. I think a little piece of everyone would kind of not be there. Music fills a void, whether you know it or not.

Listening to Blaqk Audio, then going back and listening to AFI, or going the other way around, it’s just crazy to think that some musicians are multi-talented. Davey’s vocals sound even more amazing than usual, and Jade shows that he is indeed talented in the synth department. One minute, Davey’s voice can go from seductively deep to high-pitched, which became his trademark in AFI, vocals only he himself can pull off. Yes, I know that most musicians are probably multi-talented, but not many musicians can pull off going into a completely different genre and making something beautiful. It takes some talent to make awesome music in one genre, go off into another for a little bit, and emerge with something unique and refreshing. In my opinion, Davey and Jade have that kind of talent. It takes guts to take risks, especially in music, and they’re not afraid to do just that.

It seems like most people are quick to compare Wil Francis’s solo project, William Control, to Blaqk Audio without hesitation. While they may be similar in some ways, they’re not at all the same. Sure, there might be some inspiration with the synths and electronica-like beats, but his debut, Hate Culture, has something about it that’s more brutal and intense.

The lyrics Aiden are famous for are taken on by a whole new narrative. Granted, it’s still Francis singing, but it seems like an entire new entity. Every song just seems to be enveloped in contempt, violence, and suggestiveness, while still dripping with trademark raw, severe emotion. It’s the Aiden frontman in a whole new light, one that people may love or hate.

I had no idea about William Control until I read an article about Aiden and their newest release Knives, in the August issue of Revolver. In the beginning of the article, it’d mentioned what it was like for the frontman to record vocals for Hate Culture, and how it compared to recording them for Knives. When listening to the vocals on Knives and then hearing Francis’s voice on Hate Culture, it’s pretty crystal clear that his voice sounds different. Nothing in the extreme category, but noticeably having a deeper edge. An edge that’s all his own, an edge he definitely uses to his advantage.

For me, it didn’t take very long to like, and eventually(for the millionth time!) fall in love with William Control. I’d first seen the video for “Beautiful Loser” on a link from Aiden’s website, and found myself surprised and speechless. In a good way. After listening to all of that Hate Culture had to offer, I found myself developing favorites. Among these are, “Beautiful Loser”, “Razor’s Edge”, “Cemetery”, “Deathclub”(off the Underworld: Rise of the Lycans Soundtrack), “Strangers”, and “Tranquilize”.

Like Davey Havok and Jade Puget in Blaqk Audio, Wil Francis is definitely multi-talented. Anyone who can go from being in a band that takes chances, potentially loses fans because of it, and then goes into a different genre than what they’re used to, while being able to make it all their own is multi-talented in my book. It also doesn’t hurt that he can play a mean guitar. That can never hurt.

It takes a hell of a lot of guts and confidence to take risks and be different. Blaqk Audio and William Control do exactly that.

38

I debated it for an hour.
Should I socialise or should I stay home?
It’s always hard when I’m out and about. I meet people on the street to whom I smile. And I socialise with passers-by and colleagues and then I get a text, “fancy going out”, and I say: maybe, let me play it by ear. And I go home, and I think: this is nice, do I really have to go out again? And I ponder and torture myself with self-made dilemmas, and then sometimes I say: fuck it, there’s plenty of time to be anti-social, it’s still early days you better socialise. And I go out. And I appreciate having been out meeting human souls. Even though it’s past my bed time.

Thursday, October 8

Village of K___

Bruised Orange Theater at the side project 
1439 W. Jarvis, Chicago

Theater Thursday patrons are invited to join Bruised Orange for a post-show talk-back with the cast and crew, moderated by Goodman Theatre Literary Associate, Neena Arndt. Old-World Russian cured meats, cheeses, and breads, plus authentic refreshments, will be available after curtain call.

Play description: After an unpleasant stay in a dungeon, Liputin has one chance to get out alive: weave an Arabian Nights-esque tale of intrigue for the assembled Tsarist magistrates (the audience), wherein he himself is only a pawn – rather than a major player – in a conspiracy to take over late 19th century Russia.

Show begins at 8 p.m.
Event begins immediately following the performance
TICKETS ONLY $25 

For reservations call 773-336-2682 and mention "Theater Thursdays.

j e t l a g  o v e r

arizona trip was…interesting. every time i go back though, it’s getting easier to leave for my real home. i still miss my family and friends and i loved getting to hang out with them, but arizona doesn’t belong to me anymore. it’s great to be back here with my second family and my daddy. but getting back into the groove of things at work hasn’t been the easiest. that’s gonna take a little time for adjusting. getting things together in my life before the year is over. getting the ball rolling.

today’s song is Stop It by The Almost

this is another band i’ve started listening to recently and i love them already. they’ve got a great sound mostly due to one of my favorite male vocalists ever, Aaron Gillespie from Underoath. their lyrics are great and if i listen to one of their songs in the morning it’s stuck in my head for the rest of the day. this is one of my favorites, it got me through the boring flights to arizona. it’s about the complication of relationships, what else?

It seems like every time we’re here I look right back at you
As your eyes perk up and you say boy don’t you come unglued
I’ll be so kind to bust it up on the floor
I’ll make a change so that you want me more (So that you want me more)

Is this really my idea?
I had no clue, that all of this was really happening
My thoughts remain lying on the floor
It’s not my fault I’m such an awful mess and more

Now we’re here at breakneck speeds oh just to make me feel
Less aware of all the times, the times I made you
It’s stronger than you really want it to
And make a face that said you know just what to do (You know just what to do)

Is this really my idea?
I had no clue, that all of this was really happening
My thoughts remain lying on the floor
It’s not my fault I’m such an awful mess and more

It’s true I failed
But your love covers me
It’s true I failed

Is this really my idea?
I had no clue, that all of this was really happening
My thoughts remain lying on the floor
It’s not my fault I’m such an awful mess and more

Is this really my idea? (Is this real?)
I had no clue, that all of this was really happening
My thoughts remain lying on the floor
It’s not my fault I’m such an awful mess and more

37

I will change my mind I’m sure. In no particular order.

I am Legend. Richard Matheson.
The Stars, My Destination. Alfred Bester.
The Demolished Man. Alfred Bester.
Dune. Frank Herbert.
More than Human. Theodore Sturgeon.
Brave New World. Aldous Huxley.
The Invisible Man. H. G. Wells.
Startide Rising. David Brin.
The Dispossessed. Ursula K. Le Guin.
Foundation series. Which counts as one entry just because. (The ones by) Isaac Asimov.

40

I didn’t want to leave the house this morning and told myself off for setting myself to have a bad day and then told myself off for telling myself off. When I get the urge to chastise myself (which I have a natural tendency for), I try to direct this in observation. Maybe a chuckle, maybe an aknowledgement of what’s there. Sometimes, I catch myself laughing at my mind: oh you silly mind, what have you come up with this time? Sometimes, I catch a thought and am surprised, like a morning past when I woke up pissed off at my parents and thought what the fuck? Why should this be the first self–aware thought of the day?

Anyway, after all that meta–thought and coffee, it was high time I went to school. It was a bloody mess. Two parents’ observations and no teaching assistant for the first lesson. My teaching assistant has been coming late for the past three weeks and I haven’t really complained or given her grief about it but this was the last lesson and I wanted both of us to be on the same page. She comes in 25 minutes late ready to complain about being sick and I cut her off (with my incredible mind that is the don’t–bother look). It’s all done and over and I have twenty minutes for the next lesson, yet another parents’ observation and again no teaching assistant. I’m getting pissed off. Pms? Possible, I’m late, though with the morning after pill causing me to have a period double feature maybe I’m not late but then again I’m getting paranoid that maybe due to communication breakdown I didn’t get the right dosage and I’m preggers. All of this running in the background of the mind as I’m consciously getting irritated at the total communication breakdown at my school. I rush upstairs and nearly trip. A clumsy person always, I’ve become much less clumsy the last year or two and I think it’s because I’m more self–aware and at ease with myself. I notice now that I tend to trip more and be more clumsy when my mind is scattered (or my hip is dislocated). So I nearly trip on the stairs and think to myself that I really must pull myself together. But then, to make matters worse, my kids are all over the place. They must have detected my state, little buggers. I love them to bits and they love me too but today, they were distracted and boisterous. Good for them. That’s why I enjoy this class so much but today I was possibly less patient with them. And then, I got a crier. Again. Last time this happened (to an overly sensitive girl whose mum has a history of complaining), parents complained that I was being “too serious” in the class. Right, you tell me that to my face when you see me going on with my kids: I am a lion! I am a snake! impersonating said animals. Back to the crier. Boy has fight with boy, I see him kick boy, I tell him off and give him his third sad face which means oh my! a sad face on his report. He starts crying, crying, crying, shouting, shouting, shouting. He was like a wild animal! Fuck. I have to send him out of the class to cool down which means all the parents gather round him, the staff gather round him and I’m thinking, what the fuck not again!, and then it’s all a huge mess and the parents have to come in to watch the lesson and the newly re-introduced student is fucking up this cool game because he won’t cooperate and this game requires class cooperation and I forget the homework reports downstairs so at the end of the lesson I have to go down to get them and they’re all scattering already and one of the parents took my extra one for a missing student and I was asking myself: have I given them all reports? And I walk in the staff room wondering if I should make more copies of the report mumbling to myself and think “Fuck it”. Well, I thought it and said it and everyone was staring at me and I asked: have I been talking to myself? To which I’m told “yes, you said ‘fuck it’” and was asked why I was being aggressive and I said “oh, everyday normal things” and was encouraged to share and I said “it doesn’t matter, I’ll internalise now” and I meant it jokingly but was told off for internalising things because I shouldn’t bottle things up or something and someone else said “yes, it’s bad internalisation” and I asked “what does that mean” in a sarcastic tone thinking that doesn’t make sense, internalisation is not bad or good, bottling up usually is but not the act of internalising per se but thankfully this time I didn’t elaborate. I let the guys carry on telling me that I shouldn’t be internalising things and didn’t breathe a word of the category errors they were making, nor did I engage in any meaningful conversation about this and advice such as: don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff. (I’m not sweating it! Just having a hectic morning. Leave me alone! screamed my mind but I shut up again.) I had my lunch, I went outside, I had two cigarettes and it started snowing and I was the only one that seemed to notice. All around me people were doing normal stuff in a normal way, but I was happy it was snowing and the mood broke though it took me all day to fully recover from what was my morning.

39

I thought I was writing to let you know
I am here for you
because I understand where you’ve been.

My brother mentioned last summer
half in joke half in observation
that I was a depressive person.

He meant that I am a melancholic person
prone to bouts of darkness
but I mentioned in passing that he was right
that I have been depressed and in passing
his face showed surprise but
he must have known
I must have told him somehow before I told him.

I thought I was writing to let you know
I am here for you
because I understand where you’ve been
to offer a helping hand and open paths
to communicate through shared experienced
but I realised that was bullshit when I felt relief
that you believed me and you told me you were there for me and told me about the wonders of drugs that make you feel like normal people feel.

No, I will not drug myself because I live in the land of faeries anyway.
My brother was wrong. I’m not a depressive person.
I have been depressed but that’s not me.
That’s me in between selves.
Taking a break.
Anhiliating the self to start again,
a blank slate.
I’m a happy trippy hippy.
I stop to marvel at amazing feats of engineering: spider webs and modernist buildings.
I enjoy life.
I’m like a child or an idiot
talking to cats and dancing on the street on the way to work.
I laugh at myself all the time and people talk to me
they tell me of cheating husbands and things that they are ashamed about
because I don’t judge.
I’m a powerful person and I love and help the best I can and I have dropped the arrogance I carried and this makes me better.

But I wasn’t writing to offer you help
I was writing to let you know that you are there for me because you understand where I’ve been
to let you know.