Spine Breakers Review: My Boring Ass Life: The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith by Kevin Smith

For no good reason, this book took me nearly two years to read.  From the time I bought it until I finished it this week was damn near two years.  But I loved the book.  So how can I recommend a book that couldn’t have held my attention that much if it took me so long to finish it?  The only way is to look at this as two separate books, the boring part and the exciting part.  I read the last two hundred or so pages (out of 470) within a couple days, because it got interesting.  Smith’s time in jury duty, the legendary “Me and My Shadow” blogs, and way too much interesting sex for a fat fuck (allegedly).  Kevin Smith has the dream life of all Fanboys.  He has a hot wife, beautiful child, jobs that fall into his lap with minimal effort, his own comic book store, and millions of dollars.  He can phone anyone from Ben Affleck to Stan Lee at any time of day.  And that shit is interesting!  But when his life is no different than mine, I can’t be bothered to read the book.  The first part of the book is as follows:

(Insert date and time)

Woke up, wife was asleep.  Took my laptop into the bathroom.  Took a big shit in first 5 minutes, spent next 55 minutes letting my colon retract and air out while checking e-mails and the forum.  Came out, waved goodbye to my kid, went out to eat with the wife, came home, played online poker while watching TV, then went to bed.

What the hell?  This isn’t worth spending my money on!  And speaking of money, how does he make any?  Unless there’s a pay site where people watch Silent Bob take a dump for an hour for $29.95 a month I see no income.  Also, hang out with your child!  The only mention of her is when you wave to her once a day!  While reading this, which is most of the front of the book, I hated Kevin Smith.  I’ve been a huge fan from day one but this made me feel like he was self absorbed, egotistical, gas bag who would throw his name on anything.

I put the book down, and it sat for a year and a half, at least.  I know when I started reading it was during a trip to Yankee stadium.  The old stadium.  They have now moved into a new home and won the World Series.  So I restart the book…

And its fucking good.  Jason Mewes’s journey through drug addiction, the filming of Clerks II, jury duty, Catch and Release, the stuff he writes about is amazing.  Just a little glimmer into the life of a celebrity, yet told by a “real person”.  He is passionate about everything, and none more so that the people in his life.  Finally he writes about his wife and daughter in ways that show how important they are to him, and not just part of his daily routine – no different than his daily shit.  The Kevin Smith in the later part of the book is the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back, then laugh when you ask him to put it back on.  Of course then he would write a blog about it, which would lead to some sort of t-shirt deal worth millions.  Meanwhile, I am still wearing his too big used shirt.

Stick with Mr. Smith no matter what he does.  Even myself, a Kevin Smith zombie, hated this book and was then snapped back into his adoring sweaty arms.  Get in line to read and love this book if you haven’t already.  Spot number 37 is reserved for you.

I haven’t done anything new for a while, so watch this until I do…

The Devil as depicted in Constantine. Minus "wood chipper" needed.

Oh you little Devils and Anti-Devils the last few day – on and on about the “meanings” of Halloween (duh..money and candy).

This reminded me of a cartoon in the New Yorker (and please if anyone has a copy…send immediately)  of two women who on a park sidewalk stop and see a serpent slithering by followed by a small little devil running from one side of the walkway to the other, then disappearing into the bushes.

And one says to the other “You know, sometimes it is just one damned thing after another.”

Well there are many questions about damned things (one after the other) in this two-part series.

One such question is about  “demon possession” or just “possession”. With possession being 9/10ths of the law you would think this an easy question, but countless scholarly movies on the subject indicate real theological differences in Keanu Reeves movies alone, not to mention the more serious theological tales like The Exorcist, The Omen and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (the Bike scene…YIKES!).

A young patowan friend asked me (Obi-Mac, the greybeard) the other day about “possession”. She happens to also be a psychology major (as I once was), so like myself, it is unlikely for either of us to give over scientific investigation quickly to mysticism or superstition in anyway that veers away from our core understanding of all the inter-related issues. Specifically, those issues that are explained by physiology, bio-chemical factors, nature and nurture issues, family dynamic, demonstrable  sociological observations, logic or, most especially anything than is in any way at odds with anything in the Marvel Comics universe.

No, we are talking solid ground here.

So, to the question of  possession  first.

Sure you can be “possessed” by many things, but not in the Bill Murray/Sigorney Weaver bed scene in Ghostbusters way. You know, the one where he says “oh Zulee-Zule…how many of you are there in there?”.

Or  like Jesus’ ripping off of this same question (hey Jesus is omniscient in some theologies..and not one to ignore a good line…who came first the Murray or the Messiah?) with the demons who inhabit the Demoniac along the shore on the Decapolis (oh do go look it up yourself) .  The demons inhabiting the man say their name is “Legion, for we are many”.

So they are basically partying inside this poor bastard. It is a long story but Jesus, in His mercy,  offers to allow the demons to leave the man and inhabit a nearby herd of swine (no, I refuse to do that joke here).

You all know the story…the herd of swine go ape shit and rush down the hill and drown in the sea. The pig farmers show up and see a bobbing bay of their pigs and the Demoniac dressed and in his right mind. In their immediate wisdom and understanding of the significance of all this they beg Jesus  to leave as soon as possible.

Hey, you try and do some good, but sometimes it is just one damned thing after another…even for Jesus.

Modernist scientists, psychologists and theologians will tell you that the few possessions cited in the Gospels, and certainly the ones acted out in popular films are all psychologically based. The First Century writers were “ignorant” of conditions like epilepsy and various physiological and psychological based conditions that science now addresses,. They simply assumed them to be possessions.

Maybe, although I don’t buy all of  it . Some biblical narratives  denote just those conditions without any attribution to the demonic at all. But as a student who studied abnormal psychology and cultism for his B.A., I was particularly prone to take the most rationalistic view first and foremost unless utterly disproved.

For years, even as an ordained pastor, I never once ran into a person possessed. I ran into every other kind of person imaginable. I use to once a month visit a mental institution to visit with a guy who was convinced his shoes were possessed by the Devil…yes his SHOES…not him, just his shoes.

“How about a new pair of loafers and I just take these away?” I would ask,”or jogging shoes? Very comfy?”

No go. So I just took him to Burger King once a month and listened to him talk about his life, but mostly his shoes. And YES, not to get rid of him, but to try and give him some peace of mind (shakes head back and forth), I even prayed over his shoes in his presence once.

Needless to say, the visits to Burger King continued. And yes, I felt dumb (My friend Mike Ward still makes fun of me about it).

Then I sometimes got calls at three in the morning (when on call) to rush over to someone’s house whose spouse was convinced demon possession was involved.

Okay, the first give away is that the spouse who calls is convinced the  other one is possessed. Well isn’t that just convenient? I have had girlfriends crawl across the floor looking for objects to kill me with and they WERE possessed by spirits, just Jack Daniels, or Tequila or whatever.

And given who I am, who can really blame them? If I had to live with me, I’d drink too. (Someimes it’s just one damned thing after another.”

But one night, I was called to a house (why can’t the “demonic forces” come during normal business hours?) at 3:30 a.m. The husband opened the door. He was not mad at all. He looked worried, or like a deer would look in the headlights when also chased by a demoniac.

In the corner was a huddled mass of a person, perhaps the most scared out of her mind woman I have ever seen. No SHE was the one convinced she was possessed.

Well that was new.

Being Loved by Dog after having green bile-like crap spit at you...just practicing here.

I sat in a nearby chair and tried to get her talk a little, or spit green shit at me, or do something that would give me some way of reading what was going on.

I am really hard to “shake” in an intense situation. In normal life situations I am often clueless. Go figure.

Anyway, mostly listening helped. I shared some Psalms about fear, talked a bit about my own fears and about God’s love. I tried a bit of logic..but she was having none of that. I dropped it.  I asked her if we could pray quietly, she and I and her husband (who was really very sweet and clearly relieved).

After that, their two year old son came out unsure. I talked with him in soothing tones. Funny, given my size (admittedly I looked like a power forward then and now an offensive tackle) you would think children would be scared. Never. Never once. They look at me immediately  like a giant living jungle gym to hang off. Sometimes they point and laugh.

We had already prayed quietly and as Dad took  the boy back to bed I said to her “You are not possessed. You are just extremely scared…frightened by life around you. It’s okay. Maybe we all should be more afraid than we are. I get really scared too. Would you do me a small favor?”

She agreed with a nod.

“Please have your husband bring you  tomorrow or the next day to my office. If you do not wanna see anyone, that is okay. My office is by the back. He can bring you in that way.”

She nodded.

“You do not have to talk if you do not want to. We can just sit. It’s okay.” I said. “Do you think you can do that? You can leave any time you want.”

She looked down and nodded.

I left and two days later she came in through the back with her husband. She was still scared out of her mind. In fact, I have never seen a person so afraid before or since. She literally climbed back into the corner of my office behind the door on the floor.

There is more to the story. But for now, let me just say that her problem was all emotional and psychological.  Months later, after weekly time with her and her husband, she could walk in and sit, talk, even laugh.

I saw him ten years later and he did not remember me (no bigs). I asked how he and his wife were doing. He said great and that their 12 year old son was thriving.

Okay, so that is your baseline. Possessions are very very rare. But they have been documented and I have experienced not an exorcism, but simply a person possessed. In most cases, peopel need a way to explain such intense behaviors and with quasi-biblical ideas running around they miss obvious signs of abuse, malnutrition, depression, anxiety-attack disorders, and yes, even things like epilepsy or any disease or condition that causes or leads to seizures.

But in 30 years, I did meet one person who was actually possessed. There was another spirit inside of them beside their own. And it was not as scary as it was simply odd (and slightly comical).

*******

I woke up that morning not ready for my crappy job. Back then (1989, they were all crappy jobs).  I just wanted to stand in the shower for a long time in the warm watery heat.

I don’ really formally pray all that much. It’s like a running dialog. In an ironic way I am not a “captive audience”  so much as a “captive speaker” with God. What seems mystical and far reaching at 25, seems normal and unavoidable 25 years later. I talk a lot more than God, who seems more interested in listening quietly, only very occasionally reverberating an impression or whispering an idea.

Silent Bob points out a relevant passage to Jay.

In that one way, God is a lot like Silent Bob. I’m much more like Jay.

I was surprised in the shower that morning when the Holy Spirit (who Theologian Dale Bruner refers to as the “shy member of the Trinity”) suggested in non-audible but direct terms that I call up a former close friend who had hurt me very much and attempt to make peace.

Having read the Psalms, and prayed many of them, I was used to be being naked and honest with God. See God knows my inner workings,  my “rising up” and my “falling down” (in fact, the last time I fell down really hard, I could swear I almost heard a whisper on the long 6′7″ way down that “oh this is really gonna hurt when you hit”. It did.) God knows what kind of mood I will wake up in on such a morning, so even without omniscience I doubt it came as any surprise when I replied (aloud) to the shower “why the fuck would I want to do that?”

The answer was warm and immediate “because yesterday you couldn’t and today you can.”

Well there had been a lot of yesterdays and had I run into this guy on any one of them things would have been bad…for him, but eventually me.

I thought about it? Looked down into my heart and asked “is that true? Could you do today what you could not yesterday?”

The answer was a surprising (to me) “yes.”

Not that I liked it at all. But true is true.  As I rode my bike to work through the cool red and yellowing Sacramento streets I thought it a strange day, but I determined to place the call and invite the man to lunch even if I had reservations.

After all, there was always a chance I’d wake in a worse mood the next morning.

I got to work at the old Elks Building and started to work, took a break and called the church office. He wasn’t there but I left a message.

At lunchtime, I took my usual walk down the K Street mall, first past the old cathedral, then right down the center, usually to the comic book store, or to the deli for a sandwich and a glass of wine, or if I was packing supplies then I would just explore.

As I passed by an older black woman she began to cry out at me. Screaming at me about how I had taken her “children away from her”. I noticed she held an old twin lens reflex camera in her hand.

Just another nut that Reagan & Co had dumped out on the street when he was governor instead of providing mental health care facilities. No story there, just one damned thing after another on the K Street mall. I kept walking till I was out of earshot, stopped at a cafe, had food, wine and wrote in my leather journal.

What did I expect from this meeting with this former friend? Well, I supposed just to break bread and move on. There is a simple wisdom in buying a person a meal who has hurt you. Then a week later (and I swear this is true) when you bump into them for the first time in public (but on a city street 100 miles away)  you just say hi and chat for a moment and the police dont have to come at all…cuz you are good.

Continuing on my way back to the office, I felt better. Ready to follow up.

But camera lady was back, only this time she was trailing me three feet behind and screaming all the louder. . . “You got a cross in your head boy. A cross!!”

“awww shit,” I thought “I gotta shitty job and now I have a cross on my head”. But despite my long gate, she gained ground and people started following her like I had done something to her.  Big white guy, old black woman and her yelling about my hurting her kids! I finally, stopped, turned,  and I said kindly, “ma’am, I don’t know you. What could I have possibly done to you or your children? I don’t even know you.”

This changed nothing, or at least not as I had hoped. By now, in front of the cathedral a crowd was gathering around us. “You took my children and I’m gonna smash this camera into the side of your head BOY!” she said louder and shook it at me menacingly.

“Ma’am do I know you? Can you tell me where we know each other?” (by now there are 50 plus people around watching) and I am running out of ideas.

“I’m gonna smash  this into your head boy!” She shrieked, gesturing again with the camera.”

Well it was not like I was worried, physically…just befuddled. I had nothing left to say but what was at the core of my being. It sounded lame but it was all I had left.

“All I can tell you,” I said was “Jesus loves you. That is all I know for you and for me.”

And she fled so  quickly that you would hve thought she was a track star.

GONE.

PostModern Elks by C. C. MacDonald

I didn’t get it until I got to the elevator in the Elks Building. I’m a bit slow on some spiritual things because I look for rational explanations first. It’s my training. Only when faced with the absurd do I resort to other ways of seeing.

So I called my pastor, a brilliant man of great learning and discernment after I got to my desk. I told him the facts with no comment.

He said “She was possessed, it is the only explanation.”

“Well I am glad you said that because I didn’t wanna buy into that, but in retrospect it the only thing that makes sense — especially  her running off faster than most teenagers can run.”

I felt bad for her. Nothing I could do. She was tormented.

Tomorrow I’ll bring some much needed new information and some advice that is simple and practical. This includes the “cocktail weenie” story.

My brekkie consisted of a Swedish buffet, apparently. It looked like a continental breakfast to me, but it was a bloomin’ good one.

As I will be back in Western Europe soon prices will be a risin’, so it’s necessary for me to start making concessions when and where appropriate. An easy one is to demolish any breakfast with the word free before it to avoid paying for that meal and also making only a snack required for the following one.

So that being said I had 2 large slices of bread with jam, 2 slightly mini (but not on taste!) chocolate croissants, 2 slices of bog standard buffet cheese, a slices of bog standard buffet ham, 4 slices of bog standard buffet salami, a Dairylea like triangle of cheese, a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice. My lunch will be a tin of tuna I smuggled out. That’s cricket mate.

I’m feeling a bit zombie like this morning as by the time I checked in and got to bed last night it only left me with 3 or 4 hours kip time. I’m in a positive mood though so will plough on regardless and get out and see what Podgorica is all about before getting a bus to Kotor this eve (though I need to get back down the station and figure that out).

So what’s Podgorica like? Not got a clue. No sooner was I ready to leave and have a butchers than an almighty storm had broken out. I borrowed an unmbrella to go back to the bus station to get money to pay for hotel (you have to pay cash to get the discount) and I still got completely soaked in a matter of minutes. From the look of the sky it’s going to be here for the duration so there’s not really anything to do but get outta town. I would stay another night but I can’t justify another €55. A shame eh.

If this was to happen anywhere Podgorica is probably the best place. I certainly can’t make a full judgement on the place from what I’ve seen, but from what little I have (and have read and heard from others) it looks like there isn’t too much going on anyway.

The buses are pretty much every hour and it’s 20 past 12, so I’ve bought a ticket for the 14:23 to give me a couple of hours to sort some things out on the internet in the hotel.

I do hope the weather in Kotor is improved, it’s only 2 hours away though so I’m not holding my breath. I’ve got 2 night’s there though so hopefully the weather will be okay tomorrow at least.

On route to Kotar we passed through Budva and the coast of the town (which I got a view of from the surrounding mountains before entering it) looks beautiful, I expect likewise from my destination.

There now and the weather still looks a bit humpty but it has stopped chucking it down for now at least. Let’s go and find the hostel then.

Kotor is lovely. A pretty little old town surrounded by the sea one side and mountains on the other. No sooner has it stopped than It’s pouring down again, I hope it subsides in the morning as I’m really looking forward to exploring.

The hostel seems okay too though it is inundated with mosquitos. I’m all repelled up this time though and have already killed 2 of the sods with my shoe, payback.

I’ve just handed over €2 to have my washing done, much needed I can tell thee. This means I’m going to have to squat round here for the next 4 hours or so though unless I fancy a walk about in the rain in my shorts.

It will give me time to try and figure out my transport to Tirana at least. There’s no direct bus, I think it might involve 2 or 3 changes but trying to find out the schedules beyond the first bus is pretty much an impossibility. I might be best going back to Podgorica and trying to get a train from there maybe. At worst I’ll just have to get the bus to Ulcinj (which is the furthest point I can get a bus to in the right direction) and then if I’ve missed whatever connection I need I’ll just have to try and find accommodation there. Cripes.

I know it’s Saturday but i will likely take it easy tonight, I am operating on 3 and a half hours after all. Maybe just a few cans or somet.

Crystal Stilts ‘Alight of Night’ is the album I’ve been listening to today. Okay it’s not particularly original, but who cares, it sounds great. Lots of fuzz, lots of distortion, lots of wall of sound type stuff, lots of miserablist fun. Super I say.

The rain eased off eventually so I ventured out to get some supplies in. On my return I still couldn’t get WiFi access (I hadn’t been able to since I arrived) so I asked the fella working here if he could reboot the router, christ he’s a miserable sod. I wasn’t impressed with his aloofness and lack of info offering at check-in, you get more words out of this guy. Anyway router, he was just like “It works for me”. This lead me to suspect the DHCP server on the router wasn’t working (a reboot would likely fix!) so I went down the static route and asked to quickly check the settings on his laptop, grudgingly he let me and a minute later I had WiFi. Apologies for the tech mumbo jumbo, but the point was that the guy wasn’t very friendly and made things more difficult than need be. Poor staff rating on Hostel World I reckon.

Would anyone like to hazard a guess how much dosh I’ve accrued from Google AdSense on the Lonely Planet pages so far? Closest to gets a KitKat chunky courtesy of moi.

That reminds me of a KitKat related joke:

Gerald is feeling peckish and goes to a 24 hour garage late at night, he says to the girl at the window “Get me a KitKat chunky”.

The girl twoddles off and returns with a KitKat chunky.

“What the hell’s this, I wanted a traditional standard KitKat you fat cow” says Gerald.

Oh dear. Claire Roberts told me that, blame her.

I’m now sat roun waiting for my washing and wanting to get some kip. The girl said 3 hours and we’re on 5 now. Mr personality is at the controls so I think he’s doing his best to extend my misery. Goit.

Montenegro brings us up to country number 20, if you include Transinistra (which I do). Well there you go eh.

Favourite search this time round, ‘the north face vespa backpack’. Wowzers, I’d be interested in that myself!

Lastly, I like this.

PS The photo is actually from Sofia, I did take a few of Kotor but none came out up to scratch.

Years ago, when my wife and I were still dating, she got a flier that gained entry to the “new film by Shannon Doherty” (the flier said.)  We were both working menial jobs that didn’t pay much, so something free like that always caught our attention.  When we arrived at the theatre in Manhattan Beach, the line was already past the ‘assured entry’ markers, yet we stuck it out and managed to grab a pair of seats in the front row. Then we sat back to enjoy a rough cut of, the new film by the relatively new director Kevin Smith. This was to be his sophomore effort, Mallrats.
It was horrible. Beyond horrible. I thought several times during the movie, that maybe a walk around the complex would be more entertaining. Still, we stuck it out and after the movie we were handed a clipboard with a questionnaire. My wife and I both felt like we watched the same movie so we proceeded to rip it apart, both verbally and on paper, all the while laughing at what we were writing down. We were a bit loud, laughing and commenting how the movie would be best placed on the New Release video wall at Blockbuster instead of the local movie theatre marquee. In fact, maybe the movie should be shown to would-be directors who need a visual “what not to do” warning.
As the movie people came around to pick up the surveys we got up and began to make our way out of the theater, I quickly spotted someone from the movie sitting directly in back of us. It was Silent Bob from the movie, sporting a huge grin and acknowledging our jaunt at the expense of the film.
I quickly forgot about the movie and event, until a few months later when I learned that Silent Bob was in fact, the writer and director of the movie. Holy Crap! He was directly in back of us the entire time listening to us thrash his movie and all he had for us in return was a smile and laugh. What a guy!

Flash forward to now. I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan. I own all his movies on DVD, have his comics, have seen him live, own his “evening with DVD’s” and as you can see from the photo, own plastic figures of him and his sidekick. And incidentally, that movie we lampooned 20 years ago is one that I’ve grown to love.

E aeew gurizada [Gaúcho mode on] ! Hoje os integrantes do Papo Furad0 e nosso querido convidado @Hilliam_ARG falam sobre os seus Top 5 Comédias! Clique no play abaixo ou Baixe Aqui!

Porta Golpes – É Porrada!

ARG!Cast

Spotted on this Monster Hunter Freedom Unite poster was the unmistakable image of Silent Bob. What’s he doing in a video game that seems to be a mature version of Pokemon is anyone’s guess. Though if i had to take a punt, i’d assume that maybe, just maybe, he’s hunting monsters. Or weed.

Specimen A: Silent Bob

Specimen B: Monster Hunter Freedom Unite Ad

On Further Inspection...

I’m a filmmaker. I tell stories. I translate ideas into stories. Capturing the essence of an idea makes it real, gives it life. Ever since college, I’ve always seen myself as an Auteur waiting for my moment to arrive. I’ve since learned that waiting is useless. I have to go get it.

For those of you who’ve read my story, which I’ve also mentioned before, you know that I’m a filmmaker. No, I haven’t made anything you would have seen in theaters yet. But some day, you’ll see. When I’ve got something I’d want you to see, this blog is where you’ll find out about it first, that’s a promise, my loyal fans.

Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent.

Aaron Eckhart - Thank You for Smoking

You might be wondering, where I’ve managed to obtain such oversized testicles (balls) to see myself mentioned even in the same breath; same league; same sentence as the greats like theses guys.

My answer is simple, I got it from my mama and so I’m stunnin’ like my daddy.

All kidding aside, I mean no disrespect to these masters, whom I look up to. But since I been initiated into the world of cinema, there haven’t been a film I’ve seen that I don’t think I can personally improve upon.

I’m not saying that I can make better movies than these well-established icons now, because I’m well aware that I still lack experience which can only be accumulated over the years. I’m just confident that I posses within me a worthwhile perspective that deserves to be shared with the world.

So… what am I waiting for?

I’m waiting for my will power to catchup with my imagination, which is happening right about now. Hence, this blog.

Oh and Kevin Smith, I blame you entirely for how long this took. Standup comedy, no matter how amusing and true, should never be taken as serious advice on how to develop your career. I learned this the hard way. Thanks a lot, Silent Bob.

With that said, I’ve got nowhere left to hide.

The world is my stage.

No more excuses.

Here I am.

Here I go!

This is your front-row seat to my genesis.

This is the beginning of an exposé that goes far beyond weight loss (纖體), Hong Kong, and all them thing-a-ma-fux.

Yes, I’m even trying to pioneer my own catch-phrase.

Watch me! I dare you not to! And I’ll keep daring you until you do.

Two words: Silent Bob. Maybe I was just the right age to see the grainy black and white from his first hit. Gloriously unashamed to be the self-professed D&F man about town. He wouldn’t be particularly funny, but somehow he is. In live talks he will make you snort milk out of your nose. Smith still smokes and laughs at his own lines before he can get them out and doesn’t believe in writing classes, which is understandable if you can imagine what some prissy wax-lipped insectoid junior high substitute teacher must have said about his formative Summer vacation revelations on morning salutes and adult movie stars he would one day have home to dinner.

This common horseshoes and hand grenades mentality is shared by a lot of writers, most of whom have successfully burned without notice or proudly embraced whatever work they’ve done that has downright bombed. You can or you can’t. The ideal of willpower and determination replaces what other writers chain smoke over as “the craft” and “natural talent.” Others work hard against the idea that they could ever be branded with public criticism. One day reality hits anyway, and there’s a lot of silent mental cursing. Once the idealistic fantasy of “talent” gets replaced with the personal determination to do anyway, belief can’t help but become a questioning fuel for everything.

For anyone looking for the atypical writer’s perspective from the recovering ’30s, there’s a blog on George Orwell’s travel diaries where you can find out all you ever needed about the foreign post office waiting lines of yore.

George and Silent Bob seem to have a lot more in common than you might think.

I grew up with the typical New York mentality regarding neighbors. Always say “hi,” don’t learn names, and mind your own damn business. Unless you don’t see your neighbors for a few weeks, and you smell something really bad when you walk past their door, just keep to yourself. However after two years of living in the same place and not knowing any of my neighbors, I was happy to formally meet the people I had been saying “hi” to since I moved in.

So, this evening I went over to my awesome neighbor’s Roxanne and Scott’s place to watch the movie Fanboys and have a delicious dinner.

Taking place in 1998, Fanboys tells the story of five friends on an epic quest to steal the rough cut of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace six months before it hits the silver screen.

Among the many actors whom I didn’t recognize, Kristen Bell (and looks really good in the Princess Leia metal bikini) co-stars, and the movie has a revolving door of cameos including:

William Shattner, Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia), Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian), Seth Rogen, Jason Mewes (Jay), Kevin Smith (Silent Bob), Danny McBride (of East Bound and Down, a truly awesome new show on HBO), Ray Park (Darth Maul, Toad from X-Men, & Snake Eyes (from the upcoming G.I. Joe movie) and Seth Rogen (I’m not repeating his name by accident).

Shattner, Rogen and Fisher were particularly funny.

The movie is packed with jokes about fandom, nerd life, science fiction, and just general geekdom. It has tons of Star Wars trivia that is woven into the plot. It was fun sitting there and remembering the answers to these obscure questions… although I forgot that Luke’s call-sign at the Battle of Yavin (when they blew up the first Death Star) was Red 5… 13 year-old me would have been disappointed.

It’s a funny movie regardless of whether you are a geek or not, but if you are a geek it’s so damn funny. All of the inside jokes and obscure references had me falling out of my seat.

Fanboys is a must watch. I wish I saw it sooner.

LOST BIISIÄ…HMMMM ,,MÄÄ ENO VIÄKÄ ALOTTANU KATTOON TIÄXÄÄ TOTA VIKAA SEASONIA,,MULLA ONNE KYLLÄ HIMASSA,,,MÄÄ LUULEN ETTÄ KATON NE YHESSÄ VIIKONLOPUSSA PUTKEE,,,TAAS EI PYSTY LOPETTAAN KU AINA JÄÄ NIIN VITUN JÄNNÄÄN KOHTAAN ETTÄ PAKKO KATTOO LISÄÄ..

SIIS MITÄ VITTUA,,,SIIS LAKIMIES??? JA KUNNALLISVAALIEHDOKAS????,,,,PERHEENISÄ,,??,,,MIKÄ VITTU TOLLE TULI,,MUN MIELESTÄ NÄÄ KIDNAPPAUSJUTUT ON AINA NIIN VITUN EPÄTOIVOSII JA NÄÄ EI IKINÄ ABOUT ONNISTU,,EMMÄÄTIÄ SIIS VITTU JOS PITÄS JOTAI RAHANOUSUA SAADA JA OLIS IHA MITÄ TAHANSA KEHISSÄ NIIN ENMÄÄ KYLLÄ VITTU ALOTTAS MILLÄÄ KIDNAPPAUSJUTULLA,,

KYÄ LAPSISTA JOTAI HYÖTYY ON KAI,,,HYVÄ SELKÄNOJA,,

MIX NAISET AINA RAKASTUU SIKOIHIN EIKÄ MEIHIN RENTTUIHIN,,,???

EI TOLLAKA HYVIN MEE OLIS NY EDES TIÄXÄÄ ETTINY LEIAN!!,,,PRINSESSA ON HOTTI,,,MÄLLIT NIIHIN PAMPULOIHIN,,MÄÄ YRITTÄSIN,,

TOIHA RÄPPÄÄ PEILIN EDESSÄ NIINKU EMINEM,,,

AINAKI TOI KAINALOTUULETUS ON KUNNOSSA JOLLEI SITTE TIÄXÄÄ KÄDET PUUDU,,,

Ex-formulakuski Mika Häkkinen ja hänen tyttöystävänsä Marketa Kromatowa hehkuvat onnea.

NO VITTU KAISSENY SAA ÄMMÄÄNSÄ PUSSATA MIKÄ VITUN UUTINEN TÄÄNYTAAS ON???????????

50 CENT??????

VITTU NYTKU SAIS TOLLASE NEW YORK PIZZASLAISSIN VOI PERKELE,,,KOLME TOLLASTA JA SIXPÄKKI MILLER LAITTIA !!!!!!!!!!!

INTIA MATRIX,,,NÄYTTÄÄ HUIKEELLE,,,SLUMDOG NEO,,,??

Metallica pauhasi sunnuntaina loppuunmyydylle Hartwall Areenalle.

VITTUETTÄ ÄIJÄT PAINAA MENEE!!!!!!,,,MÄÄ EN VIÄKÄ YMMÄRRÄ KUN TÄTÄ UUTTA DEATH MAGNETIC LEVYY JOTENKI VITTU TIÄXÄÄ VÄHEXYTÄÄN,, NE VETI EILE That Was Just Your Life , The End Of The Line ja Broken, Beat & Scarred JA SIIS LIVE VERSIOT NOISTA ON VITUSTI VIELÄ PAREMPIA KU LEVYLLÄ!!!!,,,

YX TEIDENRITARI VÄHÄ KYLLÄSTYNY,,,

VITTU MULLA TULEE YRJÖT KU KATON TOTA KUVAA,,,LAATTAPUSSI VALMIIX,,,,ONKO TÄÄ TIÄXÄÄ SE KONE MIKÄ JÄI SINNE MEREEN???,,,EIKU EI TÄÄ OOKKA SE TIÄXÄÄ SE KONE KOSKA SE KONE TIPUTETTIIN JA SE OLI TERRORI SALALIITTO TEKO JOTA NYT MEILTÄ SALATAAN,,,TÄÄ ON JOKU TOINEN,,,JOO

MUROT ON SIKA HYVII,,,STORMTROOPPERIA SUUHUN NO HOMO,,TAI EIKU NEHÄ ON VITTU ROBOTTEJA,,,NOIHAN VITUN SAMASORONNOO,,,

MÄÄ RAKASTAN ROKKIA JA JOAN JETTIÄ…OH,,

In high school my nights were FILLED with watching Kevin Smith movies like Mallrats and Clerks and Dogma.  Next week my Wednesday night will be

FILLED with the genius behind it all, yes ladies and gents, Silent Bob will Speak and I will be there to hear it at Carnegie! WOO HOOO! excited! My friend HQ and my friend PA and his wife will be attending as well and it should be a solid night out.  BS will not be there however due to his job possibly needing him to work as the pumps are not doing their job.  BOO…I was excited for BS to see this…but I gotta understand his job allows him the time to do all the other stuff we do.  AND I know I’ll have a freaking AWESOME time with HQ and PA and DA.

Two new ads are up from the incumbent governor most likely to lose this fall (are there actually any others?), “Stand,” and the one I chose to review, “Congratulations.” Both ads have some interesting stylistic features; maybe I’ll review “Stand” later this week, if I get a some time.

I chose “Congratulations” because it offers a chance to talk about something I wrote about in an old failed blog — kinetic typography. What’s that? Well, here’s the best example of kinetic typography I’ve seen. Seriously, take two minutes and watch it, it’s totally worth it.

Back? Good, now take another look at this ad.

Form (on a scale A-F): B/B-

All right, let’s get down to it.  If I’m a big fan of kinetic typography, why doesn’t this spot grade out higher? Because I think it uses the kinetic type mostly as a show piece. Is the moving text really conveying any new information, or just a snazzy transition between one CG card and the next?

So sure, this is kinetic typography, but a pretty basic and pretty uninteresting example of it. Now, this type of ad is very hard to produce, every word and movement has to be planned out in advance, it’s time consuming, and it’s the type of ad that you need to give yourself a little extra time to create.  So there’s a reason to keep it simple when you’re cranking out campaign ads. But this isn’t the middle of a campaign, it’s first ad salvo; they should be able to give you more than just spinning letters.

Here, take a look at an ad we did from last year called, “Silent Bob.” (Yes, for all you Kevin Smith fans, the name was a joke that only I got.) Look, our ad is no “Girl Effect,” but the movement of the text was designed to accentuate Schaffer’s statement, make it all the more absurd, and drive the point home that’s he’s not on the side of Colorado. I point this out not to extol my work, but rather to say, you can do kinetic type on the cheap and still serve a message.

What is the text movement here doing? What is its function? I’m not sure; frankly, it feels lazy and derivative (and derivative can be good if you add you own twist).

What saves it from being a C+ form grade is the word cloud forming Christie’s image at the end; while I would quibble that the words should be easier to read (not sure if that possible), it was neat and innovative and does serve a message function. It’s not perfect, but I appreciate the effort there, and frankly, I’m going to steal it someday for an ad (unless everyone else is using it, in which case never mind).

Function (on a scale A-F): B-

It’s June, you’re an incumbent up for re-election, and you’re way down in the polls. It’s New Jersey. What do you do? Re-position your opponent, or in common parlance, go negative (the idea of negative ads is something I’ll take on another day). Opening with a negative is always a risky proposition, but less so in this case. Corzine is already unpopular, Jersey is used to slash and burn campaigns, and the only way to get his numbers up is to remind people that Corzine may be unpopular, but at least he’s on the right side of issues. Basically, he has to steal his vote from Democrats & Independents who are now siding with Christie.

Now, quick, name two things the ad mentions that Christie is against. Kinda hard, right? The point isn’t any one issue, but the idea that Christie is on the wrong side of ALL the issues, he’s not on your side.

They don’t overplay the negative with horrible music or an over-the-top voice over, which helps make the ad more believable.

The real risk now is that it’s June, will these or any Corzine attacks be as strong in October? The more you attack an opponent, the more the public starts to take everything you say with a grain of salt.

Final Grade (on a scale A-F): B-

It’s a solid ad, not too negative and fairly slick. It serves a purpose to get people to reconsider their support for Christie, hold their nose and vote for Corzine as the lesser of two evils.

The form isn’t helping it to deliver its message; it’s just slick and lazy until the end — which is interesting and effective, bordering on really good.

My main beef is that it’s mimicking a style with no understanding of what that style should be accomplishing. It’s like speaking a language without knowing the vocabulary; the words are familiar, but the meaning is gibberish.

Still, the effect doesn’t take from the message, it’s just a missed opportunity. To quote Shakespeare, it is “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Reminder: You can hear me live on NPR’s Science Friday show with Ira Flatow today at 2:20 p.m. ET, talking about the new Yankee Stadium. Click to listen live and here for more details about the gig.

Link of the Day fans, here’s a beaut: An impassioned defense of hockey for Time Magazine, written by none other than Silent Bob himself, Kevin Smith. Loved the intro:

On June 1st, I start shooting the biggest movie of my career. It’s called “A Couple of Dicks” and stars both comic genius Tracy Morgan and one of my longtime heterosexual crushes, the pride of Penn’s Grove, N.J. himself: the Yippee Kay Yay-ster, Walter Bruce Willis.

And that’s nice.

On June 17th, I’m gonna step out onto the famed Carnegie Hall stage in New York City and do my usual foul-mouthed brand of stand-up Q&A for a mix of society swells and bridge-and-tunnel stoners at the most well-known theater on the planet.

And that’s okay.

But the other day I got an email from this guy Ron Finucan, who’s a friend of Walter Gretzky — the guy who taught hockey legend Wayne Gretzky everything he knew, both on and off the ice. Walter Gretzky: the Father of The Great One (and, as most canucks will tell you, Canada’s Dad).

And that was nothing short of amazing.

There’s much, much more. Great read for puckheads and non-puckheads alike.

El 14 Febrero se acerca y mientras platicaba con una amiga sobre las peliculas romanticas favoritas, ella mencionaba las obvias y me platicaba que partes le habian gustado más. Cuando tocó el turno de mis peliculas, además de otras obvias mencioné: “Chasing Amy”. Se quedó con cara de What?.
Entonces le traté de explicar la película y como que no me entendió. Así que busque un momento en youtube para poderle explicar, la película estaba en mi casa.

Te amo.
Te amo y no, no en una manera de amistad.

Aunque también, pienso que somos grandes amigos.
Y no en la manera en la que se tiene afecto por una mascota.
Aunque también, estoy seguro que esa es la manera en la que tu lo ves.
Te amo. Muy, muy simple. Muy verdadero.

Tu eres el modelo de todo lo que siempre busque en otro ser humano.
Y yo se que piensas en mi solo como un amigo
Y cruzar esa línea es lo más lejano a una opción que alguna vez considerarías, pero te lo tenía que decir.

Simplemente, no podía contenerlo más.
No puedo estar al lado tuyo sin querer abrazarte.
No puedo, no puedo mirarte a los ojos sin sentir ese deseo que solo aparece en novelas románticas de cuarta.

No puedo hablarte sin querer decir mi amor por todo lo que eres.
Y se que probablemente esto estropeé nuestra amistad
Pero tengo que decirlo.

Porque nunca me sentí así antes.
Y no me importa. Me gusta ser quien soy por esto.
Y si traer esto a la luz significa que no podemos salir más, eso me haría daño.

Pero, Dios, Simplemente. No puedo permitir pasar otro día sin salir de ahí, indiferente de las consecuencias, que, por lo que veo en tu cara, es el inevitable… final.
Y, sabes,lo acepto.
Pero se. Pero se que alguna parte de ti esta dudando por un momento.
Y si hay un momento de duda, entonces significa que también sientes algo.
Y todo lo que pido, por favor, es solo, es solo que no lo rechaces y trates de pensarlo solo 10 segundos.

No hay otra alma en este puto planeta, que me haya hecho la mitad de persona que soy cuando estoy contigo.
Y voy a arriesgar esta amistad por la oportunidad de seguir adelante, porque hay algo entre tu y yo.
No puedes negarlo.

Aun si nunca hablamos de nuevo después de esta noche, por favor debes saber queyo cambie para siempre porque lo que eres y lo que significas para mi,y que, mientras lo hicimos, lo aprecie.

Ella no sabía de la existencia de las películas de Kevin Smith, así que ver a Ben Affleck como que le sorprendio. Mientras le contaba más sobre las otras películas de Smith me preguntó que si únicamente ese momento era lo “romántico” de la película, le dije que no y le mostré este otro corto:

Pasé por algo parecido a lo que estás platicando, hace unos cuantos años, su nombre era Amy.
Así que estábamos yo y Amy. Y éramos inseparables. Un gran momento de amor. Después de cuatro meses de camino el mecanismo idiota comenzó a funcionar, y le pregunte sobre su ex novio, que todos sabemos, es una muy mala jugada. Pero sabes como es: “no quieres saberlo, pero tienes que saberlo“. Estúpida idiotez de tipos.
Así que, de todas maneras, ella empezó a contarme sobre el. Se enamoraron, salieron un par de años, vivieron juntos. Su madre me apreciaba más, bla, bla, bla, bla. Y estoy okay.

Pero después dejo caer la bomba, y la bomba era:
Parece que algunas veces, cuando estaban saliendo, el trajo algunas personas a la cama con ellos. Menage a trois, creo que se llama.
Y esto me voló la mente, ¿Entiendes? No estoy acostumbrado a este tipo de cosas. Me criaron católico, por amor de Dios.
Así que me sentí muy extraño con eso, ¿Verdad? Y empecé a dejarla.
No se como tratar con lo que siento, así que imagino que el mejor camino es llamarla “prostituta”, y decirle que fue usada.

Buscaba sangre. Realmente quería lastimar a esta chica.
Y tranquilamente trata de decirme “Fue ese momento, ese lugar” y no cree que debe disculparse porque no siente que haya hecho nada malo.
Yo estaba como, “¿Oh, de verdad?“

La mire a los ojos y le dije que se había acabado. Y me fui.
No estaba enojado con ella, estaba asustado.

Sabes, En ese momento me sentí pequeño, como si me faltara experiencia, como si nunca hubiese estado a su nivel, nunca fui suficiente para ella o algo así.

Pero lo que no me di cuenta fue, que a ella no le importaba.
Ella ya no buscaba a ese tipo, ella me buscaba a mi, a Bob.
Pero cuando me di cuenta de todo esto era muy tarde, hombre. Se había mudado.
Todo lo que le demostré fue estúpido orgullo que después dio lugar al arrepentimiento.

Ella era la chica. Ahora lo sé.
Pero la deje pasar.
Así que paso cada día desde entonces persiguiendo a Amy.

Si bien sé que no es una película romántica normal, es bastante entretenida, además de que tiene referencias a las otras películas que ha hecho Kevin Smith que le da un toque extra a quienes las han visto.

Chasing Amy es una película diferente para este 14 de febrero que se recomienda ver con alguna chica de amplio criterio ya que se habla de cunnilingus, relaciones homosexuales, menage a trois, sexo y varias cosas que una “chava nice” podría considerarte de loco.

Happix