For the last many years, I’ve been very casual about my sleeping habits.  My routine typically consisted of zoning out in front of the television with my husband (who is a night owl), and falling into a light sleep on the couch while he finished his television shows for the night. I would usually fall asleep at about 11 pm, and he would wake me from the couch at about midnight to go to the bedroom for the night.

Six and a half hours I would wake up to my alarm and ready myself for work, an hour and fifteen minute process that began with a shower.  Some nights, five hours of sleep would do.

In the immediate aftermath of my nervous breakdown, I could not sleep.  The demons that haunted me in childhood came flooding back – magnified tenfold, laced with anxiety.  Although each night my body was craving sleep, my mind was racing, unraveling, coming undone.  Incoherent thoughts raced in and out of my mind, and mania took over.  For the first few weeks, on the advice of my therapist and psychiatrist, I took a Klonapin every now and then at night to simply quiet my own head.  The medication seemed to quiet my crazy just enough to allow me a few precious hours of sleep that my body desperately needed.

Since that time, my sleep pattern has returned to normal, though I’ve made conscious efforts to improve it.  Falling into a light sleep for an hour or two, in front of the TV with all the lights on, only to be awaken to move into the bedroom and try and fall back asleep for the night  was a terrible, unhealthy pattern.  In addition to my poor diet, my poor sleeping habits were, for many years I believe, physically draining me.  All the while, my anxiety was building – for years and years, I was literally a ticking time bomb.

Today, I make sleep a priority, a ritual even. I no longer crash in front of the TV – I make my bedroom my sanctuary.  I take a shower at night, now – freeing more time up in my mornings.  After my shower – which I’m able to relax and enjoy – sometimes I even treat myself to a bath – now that I’m not rushing through it in the morning, while my husband is in the living room watching television, at about 8:30 pm or 9, I’ll leave him to retreat to the bedroom.  Once there, I watch a bit of TV myself, or browse the Internet, unwinding alone.  At 10 pm, though, all things electronic are off. No TV, no iPad, no computer, no checking my phone.  I read for about 45 minutes – anything from tabloid magazines to novels – so long as it is not my eyes staring into a bright glaring screen.  My new routine prepares me for relaxation – mentally and physically.

I now awaken at seven am; without having to shower and blowdry my hair, I am ready for work in forty-five minutes.  Another very small change I made that has proved to pay off greatly in terms of reducing morning time stress, is picking out my work outfits on Sunday before the week begins.  Good lord, for a person with unregulated anxiety, as I was before my breakdown, I was killing myself each night and morning – running off of six hours of good sleep (if I was lucky), rushing through my shower, frantically searching for something to wear, rushing to work just to begin the stress of my workday.

Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep each night has no doubt played into my recovery process.  There are days when I still feel fatigued, and I do not sleep through the entire night each and every night – but sleep has now truly become a priority of mine.  It’s part of my health.  No matter how busy I get, I make time for my sleep.  Other people without anxiety can manage jsut fine without nightly routines or eight hours of full sleep.  But for me, it’s a way of life I’ll never go back to.

Are aware of the disorder. Find out about the signs of sleep anxiety, and network with other people regarding problems. See whether your symptoms are typical of sleep anxiety. The greater you are aware of sleep anxiety, the more you’ll be able to get over anxiety.

Practice relaxation strategies to reduce anxiety, especially upon waking and just before into bed during the night. Put on calm music, dim the lights, and sit quietly for 15 or 20 mins. This meditation will reduce rapid thoughts, reduce generalized anxiety and get you prepared for a restful night’s sleep. Imagine peaceful settings, just like a waterfall or a sunlit garden. Breathe deeply from your diaphragm till you feel relaxed and able to sleep.

Get an abundance of exercise during the day. Sleep anxiety is usually correlated to insufficient physical activity. Go on a run, work out in the club or practice yoga as frequently every week as possible. Strenuous exercise will result in a calmer bedtime experience, and may decrease the incidence of insomnia.

Fall asleep all at once every night and get up at the same time every morning, whenever possible. Standard sleeping and waking times will encourage your brain to release melatonin, a chemical that regulates feelings of sleepiness, when you’re getting ready for bed. Regular sleeping habits can dramatically reduce sleep anxiety in the long run.

Video Guide:sleep anxiety – how to sleep better at night – ways to help you fall asleep

The best picture taken of me all summer. StEve (left) would probably disagree.This photo has nothing to do with the rest of this post though I hope you enjoyed it in spite of that.

I stand now at the cliff of Awkward Timing No Matter How I Plan Anything, looking out into the metaphorical sea of Everything That Can Possibly Go Wrong. On the path behind me I see all the time I’ve wasted this summer and ahead I see myself wishing I had not wasted that time.

It is neither abnormal or worrying that I am having to write this at 2:30 in the morning of my last full day in Thailand before college begins again. I always have sleep anxiety when I have important things to do, such as catching an early flight or packing. Though I don’t leave for the airport for exactly 24 hours I still have one more bag to pack, more clothes than I think can physically fit and a plan to see “Cowboys and Aliens” with my mother before the day is out. Not to mention saying goodbye to my past teachers who I’ve been chilling with this summer and getting my last Thai Massage until next summer.

Yes, I just complained about having to wait a long time until I can get another massage. Have I alienated you sufficiently yet? If not I can also complain about not having enough sandals that flatter my feet or how there is just too much food in my refrigerator to possible eat before I leave. Let me know and I will happily find a way to make my problems sound more insipid than they already are.

There is no good reason why the prospect of packing should be keeping me awake. Logically I know I will have enough space for everything. Since that obviously doesn’t calm me down I should take advantage of the sleeplessness and pack now. That will not work, however, as I am too lazy to be proactive about my packing anyways. And I do have a phobia about packing before the last second. What if I need something and it’s packed at the bottom of the bag where I am too lethargic to reach?!

Packing isn’t the only thing on my mind. I am already deeply regretting how I spent my time this summer. Sure, I had an amazing job that took me up and down the entire continent but I am talking about the evenings I was home in Bangkok. I could have spent more time with my dogs that I only get to see once a year. I should have spent more time learning to play my Ukulele, the one goal I originally had at the start of the summer. I can play one song relatively well. That is all.

(I know I have the rest of my life to learn the Ukulele and, of course, I will take it back to NYC with me to work on. I just wish that I could have had more than one song ready to play on my return.)

On the bright side I did achieve one HUGE goal of mine this summer: Have two costumes for New York Comic Con (NYCC) made. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that on one day of this Great Con I will be dressed as Codex from “The Guild” and on another day dressed as a Zombie Red Shirt. All I have left to do for both of these costumes is assemble the little bits. For Codex I need to make the scepter and attach gems to the corset. For the Red Shirt I just need to get my Starfleet Com Badge. Easy.

Three Daleks. I hope you are curious to see how I am going to make this costume. Believe it or not I am going to be sexy. Just wait and see.

Since I want to walk the floor in costume on 3 of the 4 days I have only one more costume to make which is a Dalek costume. It will be a challenge but I know it will look amazing when completed.

Really, what I need to do is look forward to October which is rapidly turning into my highest anticipated October yet! Drumroll for all the amazing things I that will be happening to me in October 2011…

NEW YORK COMIC CON!

TICKETS TO SEE THE NERDIST PODCAST LIVE!

TICKETS TO SEE WEIRD AL LIVE!

HALLOWEEN!

Yes, an October for the ages. An October that people will speak of for years to come. The October by which all other Octobers will be judged. And you, dear readers, will get to read all about it.

Mmm… That did calm me down greatly. For a moment I wasn’t thinking about the unlikely yet still possible scenario where I am not able to pack everything into my two bags. Or the possibility that weather might delay my flight. Or the that I might miss my flight. Or the fear that I might never see my dogs again once I leave. What if my tickets to NYCC or The Nerdist or Weird Al get lost and I am denied admission? What if I have trouble moving into my dorm or getting my boxes out of storage? All my blankets are in storage which means I will go the first night in NYC without blankets. What if I freeze to death? What if…

Damn it.

BEFORE I used medicine to treat my anxiety/depression, I would go to these message boards about meds and read the scary stories and start freaking out. I was looking for any glimmer of hope… a success story where someone didn’t nearly die or something! It did nothing but make me more anxious. Now that my anxiety is under control, I go back to these sites in a new way. I go back to them to read how absolutely ridiculous they all sound now. After getting a great psychiatrist, it’s like a little inside joke that you know that everyone else is missing out on. People who are not getting good care or good results from their medicine are very frustrated and write really horrible stories and offer really horrible ‘advice’ (if you can even call it that)

Psychiatry with Psychology has done WONDERS for me. It’s medical healing paired with undistorted perceptions. A perception change or just different way of saying or looking at things is like taking a million milligrams of your medicine and it helps you heal faster! I feel better about sleep than I ever thought I would (I WAS HYSTERICAL about sleep when this whole thing began) and I love the relationship that my daughter and I have now. It works for us! ( again, another thing I was COMPLETELY INCONSOLABLE about)

Let it work for you and don’t be afraid. If you are feeling down, the worst thing you can do is resist. Just put your guard down, release all inhibitions and talk to someone.

I’m far from out of the woods, but I really feel like it’s all coming together.

This will not last forever

I keep saying that every time I start to feel down. Also, every time I have a panic attack, I say the word ‘stop’ in my head. Sound too easy? Well it actually works a little bit. I say it, and I guess I’m recognizing that I’m having it and kind of scaring it off a bit. I picture it like some blob of black Jell-o creeping up on my brain… and when I say ‘stop’ it recedes slowly backward almost as if it’s retreating or something. I don’t care if it sounds crazy or new wave, it is helping me right now.

Highlights of Today:

It’s my husband and I’s 2 year meeting anniversary

I had sushi for the first time in forever!

I really had a great day with Violet. Holding her today while I was in a good mood gives me hope that soon I will bond with her like I want to.

We made a plaster mold of Violet’s hand (even though its crappy)

We gave her a bath and I think she liked when I rubbed lotion on her

but most importantly- I TOOK A NAP! IT WAS HALF AN HOUR, BUT I TOOK A NAP AND DIDNT FREAK OUT… my sleep anxiety has been through the roof. It’s literally to the point where I’m terrified to fall asleep (like a Freddy Kruger movie). Last night I tried getting into a bedtime routine. I slept pretty well. It’s just that I cant have the baby in the room at all. I send Nicholas downstairs to tend to the baby at night because if I hear her, I have an almost full blown panic attack. It’s something I want to tackle with my therapist but for now, we are sleeping separated. I can’t take care of her if I can’t sleep…

All in all, today was amazing. I hope to have more good days like this in the future. It’s going to take a while, but I’m going to recover!

I know I’ve read that lots of people have had panic attacks and have described them to me in the past. Once I left my phone on top of the car and drove away… the moment I realized- I thought I was having a panic attack. Wrong. Once I was babysitting a kid and the lil brat escaped into the woods and locked herself in a shed. I thought I was having a panic attack. Wrong.

I’ll explain it as it pertains to me (meaning, I’m gonna add a little more pizzaz to what you may already have heard they are like):

-Someone feels like they are pouring soup on my heart. Like, a pot of hot soup.  When something hot touches your skin… that second it feels scalding. That’s what my heart feels like. (not to be used for emo song lyrics)

- My heart feels like it is pumping through tiny veins and arteries all of the sudden.. Like its a crappy car trying really hard to make it up a hill. However, if you feel my pulse, it feels normal.

- My mind has songs, sentences, and pictures whizzing through it. Like those weird Bing commercials… you know the ones. The one where one word can start a whole slew of different zombie people saying things that have gotten them into ‘search overload’ … they have practically nothing to do with what was bothering me in the first place and these thoughts are impossible to shut off.

- All those fun irrational fears show up. Again, these are things that really don’t have to do with the baby at all. They are just general worries… just going at the speed of light.

Example: The other day, I had a fear that the doctor might get mad at me if she saw that my blood pressure was high next visit. What?! Who cares if my blood pressure is high right now?Apparently my mind did and it started a panic attack. Things that sound so silly when I say them now. At the time, oh boy. Nothing could talk me out of it.

My first panic attack started almost exactly 24 hours after Violet was born. It was crippling. Literally. The epidural had nothing on this. Legs gave out, breathing stopped, arms and legs flying everywhere, one of those oxygen things cranked up. I thought I was going to die. Honest.

**Lets not forget the depression part

With the placenta, it felt like all of my things that I would ever call ‘normal’ just worked it’s way out of my body forever. That Paula Jackson was no more. I still feel that way now. I can shine through in my good moments and still see myself. But as it stands in general, I feel like a completely detached person from this world. I feel like I exist here in a bubble (anyone every play super mario bros for the wii? Then you get the reference! That damned bubble! )

I’ve had a pretty bad depressive episode a few years ago which coincidentally, helped me create this blog in the first place. So I know what this sinkhole feels like. It’s all too familiar. Back to the old sinking grounds. Luckily, with therapy, I was able to get past it in a few months.

But this time is different. I have a little one now.

Being a mom is coming secondary to my health right now. As much as I like to hold and look at and take pictures of little Violet, I feel selfish that I am doing all of this for myself right now. I feel like in order to take care of her, I have to get better first. (Cue in the good old- assist yourself before assisting others airplane safety instructions). I don’t want to miss out on any more time with her than I need to… that’s why I decided not to wait to take anti-depressants. If it was just me, I’d really push my body to see how far I could go but it seems like a moot point now because I want to get better for Violet- not feel the urge to open the door and walk away in one direction all night until the police find me (because you know that thought has entered my mind!)

During the day i’m ok. A little shaky at some moments. But these nights? And this sleep anxiety? With a baby?

no bueno.

• YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOM AND SLEEP DEPRIVED WHEN…
• sleep is the only think that you can think, obsess and dream about.
• you think you’re going crazy when you hear screaming even when it’s dead silent in the house.
• 7 am is considered sleeping in
• you get excited when you see a poopy diaper
• you become a complete airhead- there are days you’re surprised you are able to dress yourself (and haven’t gotten into a car accident!).
  
• that even months after you’ve had the baby you’re still shedding like a lab
• you drive to work and don’t remember the drive
• you are talking to someone and forget what you are saying right in the middle of your conversation
• you’ve heard crying too and jumped up and ran in the nursery only to find your kid sound asleep
• you are pumping for milk for the next day and you fall asleep for an hour sitting up in the chair
• you put the car keys on the side of the car seat while you strap your kid in and then spend 10 minutes trying to find your keys.
• you’re not quite sure if it’s avocado smeared on your pants from toddler hands or if it’s poo from the newborn…
  
• going to the bathroom alone is a luxury.
• you start prepping dinner when you get up in the morning and work on it here and there throughout the day.
• you have no idea what is going on in the world but can name 20 different kinds of dinosaurs and/or digging equipment.
• when you start losing your big people vocabulary
• when you find rocks in your gym bag and know exactly when they were put there and that you’ll be in BIIIIIG trouble if you get rid of them.
• you think nothing of eating the soggy remains of an ice cream cone left by your son, when 5 years ago the very idea would gross you out.
• you find yourself saying things like, “Jackson, no eating your shoes!!!” or “Mommy’s going pee-pee. Do you want to come with?”
• when you are getting out of the car and check to make sure you have your keys 3 times because you don’t remember checking the 1st time.
  
• when you are talking to your child from the bathroom so they won’t start crying.
• you do silly dances while cooking to entertain your 4 month old.
  
• when it’s no longer about you anymore
• when you give in and let your son get a dog and you ARE NOT an animal lover. (I’ve totally lost my mind)

I’m excited for today though. My decided that since Sophie is 6 months old we are having crab and lobster for dinner. Yum, that is my FAVORITE food in the world. I’m so excited.

I think I might take Sophia swimming again today, we have our first mommy and me class on Monday and I want her to be familiar with the water. We’ll see, depends on how she’s acting today. She just took a lovely  1/2 hour nap this morning. Ugh, I wish I knew what to do.

Have a lovely day everyone

Taking a walk with Daddy

I’m also feeling a lot of anxiety. I’m unable to get myself to sleep. I hear the littlelest noises in the house and as soon as I wake up I CANNOT get back to sleep. This morning my mom took her so that I could get some more sleep and I just layed in bed for 3 hours, finally got up for the day. I wonder why I’m feeling so much anxiety lately. I want it to go away so that I can get some rest.

I don’t have much more to say, just really exhausted, and I don’t want to complain. Just wanted to know if this sleep anxiety is normal and how to make it go away.

Angry baby