Slumber-bereft eyes, sandpapered and pricked by nocturnal vigil; the chambers of the mind become labyrinthine with cerebral dislocation; I am half-waked, not asleep, only partly here.

Sluggish and slow I perambulate through the familiar corridors of thoughts and home, performing each habitual function adequately, automatically; not well, not badly.

Sleep is of vital importance.

You had best not forget that.

Lila-Jeanne is here now on the sunshine side of the womb. She is beautiful beyond the singing of it. Just before dawn she surfaces from her heroic struggle. Breaking through, she lets loose with an impassioned caterwauling filling her lungs with air for the first time. Under her membranous wrapping she is our rosy pink gift – warm, spluttering movement, uncertain and authentically surprised.

Mélanie sweats, grinds, bears down, pushes, struggling through the pain. Bands of steely muscle contract and loosen. Her body marches inexorably to a final unwinding. She is courageous beyond the telling of it. A last determined push helps propel Lila out to our side. Her serpentine cord, that inimitable bond, unravels like a lazy spring. In an instant, nine long months of anticipation become a joyous eternity. Her presence overwhelms us. Lila is laid on Mélanie’s breast – mother and daughter heartbeat to racing heartbeat.

I am buoyant, awash in a warm sea inhaling life’s elemental scent. This is pure joy. I am a lucky man to experience this miraculous moment one more time. I cradle Lila in my arms, our first skin-to-skin touch, and look into her small, awakened face. She stops crying as I gently rock her while walking back and forth. I’m pleased the tears pause. Just maybe I’m emitting some subliminal positive vibes that are helping her in some small way.

Did I mention that maman shows her champion mettle throughout this crescendo of breathe, push, pain – breathe, cry, birth – baby, sigh, smile?

It wasn’t always a sure thing though. Mélanie was convinced we would be returning home to The Passage with her big belly intact. Three hours after checking in dilation was still only at 2 cm. We walked around and around and around the small maze garden to stir things up after the early labour nurse gave it a go too. It didn’t appear that the stirring was going to take.

It was a relatively calm evening so we got checked into a birthing room. Mé took a long warm bath and soon afterward the contractions picked up intensity and frequency. After several waves, Mé decided it was time to call on the purveyor of the epidural – the magic man. As well as diminishing the pain, the anesthetic provided an energy jolt.

Mé was in her groove initiating conversations with the nurses about family and children, reaching out to learn about their lives. One of the nurses works regularly in remote communities in northern Manitoba. Mélanie was able to share her Poplar River experiences from many years ago. It was one of the few communities the nurse had not yet visited.

Our main nurse was with us right through to the birth. She is the same age as my oldest daughter and has two young children of her own – one pre-schooler, one school age. She was a sweet heart helping Mé throughout the night. She is a member of the Salvation Army and one of her pastors was a close friend of mine during high school. The world can be so small and beautiful.

Our doctor had been alerted earlier in the evening and received a second call to haul her out of bed and get her to the hospital. On arrival she told us she had already delivered this baby once in a dream. There had been only one snag, she couldn’t find a clamp she needed, nor could any of the nurses. There were massive amounts of blood spurting from the baby getting on everyone and everything and then she woke up. Happily, there were no lost clamp issues in the real life delivery. However, I did have to pull the doctor’s ringing blackberry our of her back pocket, tell her daughter to get ready for hockey and let her know that her mom was busy and would call her back. Life goes on even as new life bursts on the scene.

The kids are waking up back in The Passage. Lila-Jeanne and Mé get a kiss as I float out the door, dazed and euphoric. Back home, Raymond and the children are waiting wide-eyed. Noah’s exuberant, impromptu dance while rapid fire chanting his new sister’s name is a welling up of primal joy, unbridled, uncut. Nellie is right their by his side spinning, weaving, smiling, laughing still a pixie babe herself. Raymond is beatific tout court.

I make the calls to immediate family with the good news and contact my office. Even though I didn’t do any of the hard work, it’s been a long night. Raymond lets me crash to get a little rest. I drift off with the new baby smell and thoughts of Lila-Jeanne in my mind.

Thank you Mélanie for being a loving maman and a fearless championne.

I’m

Thinking

Of you

I’m

Lying

Sleepless.

Tonight I have to study for a math quiz, which I will probably do poorly on, since I can’t even understand my homework, and then I have to cram for a history test, which I also won’t do too well on, for I’m no good when it comes to cramming…

On top of that, I have to finish my history notes assignment… thing… and then by the time I understand everything, cram, and then complete all my assignment and homework, it’ll be 6:00 am and I’ll be sleepless.

Currently: Mulling over math homework while reciting facts for history in my head.

Fact of the day: Agnes Macphail was the first femal MP.

Reading: This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen (restarted)

Listening to: Replay by Sean Kingston ft. IYAZ

I woke up at 4:30 this morning.

Seriously, who wakes up at 4:30? Other than my colleague Pammy, that is? But Pammy, at least, has a reason! She drives half of Victoria to get to work at 7:30 after all! What was wrong with me, though?

Nothing was!

Well, to be honest, something was… but still, 4:30 AM!

I have my driving lessons this evening….. This is such a wrong day for this to have happened! Am I not enough stressed (read ‘terrified’) already about the driving thing without these craps happening to me?

Argh!

Introduction

Has it really been nearly two weeks since my last post? Regular updates are pretty daunting, I want to produce a lot of useful content but also keep friends and family up-to-date on my life. This has created a dynamic tension whereby I can’t bring myself to post any sort of update at all until I feel sufficiently guilty enough to shunt (it feels like shunting) one out. I’m going to try to keep this update pretty light but satisfying in both criteria if possible. I am also adding in little headings, no reason, I think that it looks nice.

Why you should feel sorry for me

Anyway, I am starting to write this at 0800 in the morning because (as you may have picked up from my disgruntled twitter/facebook updates, should you be in a position to read them) I spontaneously woke up at the ungodly hour of 0530 AM this morning for reasons unbeknownst to me. I think my brain must have been really chewing over the Korean I learned just before bed because I woke up with a mind full of Korean words and spelling.

The past – hazy memories

I’m going to treat a whole bunch of stuff since my last update as “memory block” as I am having to comb over my old twitter stream just to find out what I have been up to. These may take the form of declarative statements since I may have shed any emotional connection to these historical neuro-artefacts. Also my current state of proto-brain is not capable of any feeling beyond those associated with food, fire and territory.

빼빼로 (pepero) day happened on the 11th of September. This is a nonsense non-celebration when all Korean kids and teens give each other pepero which you may know better by it’s Anglicised Japanese name (for it is the same product) Pocky. Legend (!) has it that some kids from Busan (city in the south of South Korea) noticed that the numbers of the day and the month looked like four of these biscuit sticks lined up. Some say that this is marketing bullshit invented by the company who worked up a way to sell 55% of their yearly stock on a single day. Personally, I couldn’t give a shit, all I know is that I got a crap load of them from the kids and that they are going to go crazy-go-nuts in 2011.

빼빼로 day bounty

I finally got my banking set up so if you want to wire me money, let me know, we can make it happen. God I love money.

I had a pretty good storytime class last week, one of the Korean teachers managed to get hold of some worms and I had a pretty fun time with six sets of disgusted and screaming, then curious, then worm-loving children. I love showing kids invertebrates. They so often follow the same pattern, even the terrified girls. When I left one particular class they were all saying a Korean sentence in union(I have consulted a teacher, it was “이거 키워도 돼요?”). The Korean teacher told them what it was in English and suddenly I was surrounded by kids chorusing: “Can I raise? Can I raise?”.

It has also got pretty crapping cold, I have bought two coats and some tights. Yeah.

This weekend

Back in the near-past, this Saturday just gone we celebrated American Thanksgiving. I have never had one of these, what with me being of the British Isles but it was certainly a fantastic event. We had previously headed out to the Western food selling wholesalers in Seoul and bought a nice big turkey and a lot of Christmas-style food. This was accompanied on the table by some American food that I had never previously had such as creamed corn, pumpkin pie and apple-snickers salad. I say salad, it was actually chunks of apples and snickers mixed into sweetened whipped cream. It was also eaten during the savoury part of the meal, sounds gross and it actually kinda was but I enjoyed it nevertheless. Thank you America.

Thankyou-day party

Earlier on in the day before the food was done I had visited a hagwon from the same franchise in 구리 (Guri). I had visited with the intention of getting a job for Rich, my mate from home. In fact I was met with confused expressions every time I fielded this proposal and instead paraded in front of a group of parents of potential students. On the upside my pockets were stuffed with ₩60,000 (a cool £30) for 40 minutes work plus travel time. Nice-uh.

Hanguko and Hanja

With a stomach of leftovers and port the next morning I headed to 종각역 (Jonggak station) to a bookshop called Bandi & Luni, who have a large English language section and a vast array of delightful stationary. My mission was to find some Korean Language learning books in English. I was successful in this but I accomplished so much more when I found a massive array of Christmas cards. For some reason greetings cards are difficult to come by in Korea.

I also picked up an English book that teaches about Hanja. These are the basic 1,800 Chinese characters that Korean students learn with the Korean and Chinese name with Korean pronunciation, and teaches it as such. These are pretty interesting and I may return with a little blog post all about these. In the meantime, I’m going to leave you with this character – my currently favourite. It’s meaning is “prisoner”. It is as you can see, a picture of a man in a box:

Or you might just see the box if you don’t have Chinese character support. Install it now damn you.

Edit: I have replaced the inferior text character with a nice shiny image file from Naver, so everyone with an image supporting browser should be able to see it. Although you should totally install the language packs.

Indeed… so it is: I can hear my neighbor pee. One of three locations: below my apartment, next to it, or above it. I suspect above hence the coughing and how the flushing sounded. For what it is worth, I am not the only one who can’t sleep.

I am up each night… Tonight is worst, usually I just wake up every now and then but tonight I cannot sleep at all. I keep winding up in thoughts about him. I miss him so much that it hurts. I keep telling myself that I will be fine and that my pain is just the sign for me still being alive, but to be honest I cannot stand it. I mean I am standing the pain, but these justifying thoughts are just a big big lie.
Have you ever loved someone so madly that your whole world seems slipping because you realized you lost this person due to your own faults, wrong-doing and your being in general?
I miss him so incredibly much and once more I wished I never met him, knowing now that I cannot be with him, because he rejects me. Why? The most superfluous question in this world anyway, but really… why? I am not self-pitying myself but the world is against me. Not only for a day or a few weeks… I am not sure what I have done wrong in the past, maybe I deserve this?
Reminds me on the words of my therapist: BE tender to yourself. Acknowledge negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.
Easier said than done.
I again feel lost in this world. I want to be happy but I am captured in my own misery driven by external forces that I cannot get rid of. And ye harder I try ye worse. And ye harder others try for me ye worse. I think that is even the worst part about it. Again a guy knows better for me and again the guy gets what he wants. I think I do know very well what is good or bad for me, but for some reason I am not being acknowledged and again my own will, my own attempts to live my life are being stopped by others. It is frustrating. I mean, does anyone understand what I am saying in here?
I want to decide over my life. I have never been selfish. I have always accepted others and what they wanted. But I think this is one of the reasons I am so dependent today and unable to really live.
If I could I would change my world, but that would mean being assertive, risking things, setting boundaries, losing people, not being understood and probably judged. Eventually things could get better…. but they could also get worse. Scary. I am scared.

Say goodbye to the sun; she’s gone away for the night.
Leaving me here, with no hope and no light.
I’ll imagine a moment that’s brighter than this;
cos right now the sun en’t the one that I miss.

There’s a voice in the dark and she’s calling my name.
I would ask her to stay but it’s just not the same.
I could just walk away now, but that’s not what I’ll do
every fibre of my being is screaming for you.

If I said I was fine, I was lying;
cos I’ve been here before, so what’s the sense in trying?
I’ll tell you that story I’ll never forget.
I need you to know, I just don’t know how to show it.

The words are elusive; that’s always the thing.
I envy the dawn and the new day it brings.
Walking slow, in a city where the sun never sleeps
She’s an echo I’ve lost in this silence so deep.

So here’s to all the broken hearts, in this city of light
Here’s to every tired soul, wandering these streets at night.
Looking hard for someone, something, to find them, take them home
Put an end to all these lonely days of waking up alone.

So when I said I was fine, I was lying
You’ve been here before, so what’s the use of trying?
I’d tell you to live first, and damn the regrets.
This is your story; it’s not over yet.

In the cold and the night I can’t forget your name.
I could just walk away but I won’t be the same.
With a fire in my heart I will wait for the dawn
suddenly the night doesn’t seem all that long.

As long as I can remember I never really enjoyed sleeping. Sure it is lovely to do it when you are exceptionally exhausted, but otherwise for me it always felt like a waste of time somehow.

As a kid I was told to go to sleep at some certain hour, but I remember lying in my bed thinking about all different thinks that you could do instead of sleeping. The thought about having to “wait” until tomorrow always seemed way too long.

When I moved away from home I can’t really remember sleeping more than a maximum of 6 hours a night, that have seemed to be more than enough for my body to rest, to be able to function normally without having any “side effects”. It worked so good for me the 4 years that I was working night shifts. I always came home when people got up and started to go to work, and I had every morning in my own quite peace without having to rush to work with a million other people.

A few times I have been testing myself just to see how long I can actually stay awake and function without having any problems. I remember a “test” where I was awake for about 70h or so and when I eventually laid down and just passed out. And it seems around 48h is a maximum I can manage. After that freaky things start to happen. You start to see things in the corner of your eye, hear people saying things even if they never uttered a word, and most of the time you just fall into some kind of coma and just stare at something without being able to look away.

Today this restlessness has a good grip on me again. I feel like I am about the age of 5 when it is time to go to sleep. My body just don’t want to lie down and go to sleep. I am not thinking about anything special, I don’t have something that really is a burden, and I don’t feel any stress. Some people say that I should see a doctor about it, and it isn’t healthy at all. But the doctor will most likely just prescribe me some pills, which I wouldn’t take anyway…

Why is it that so many people think this is such a huge problem? I have learned to function with it, the only really negative side with being awake during night is that you can get quite lonely. It’s not like you can call your close friends or actually go outside and do things (well you can, but people would look upon you as a total freak I suppose). Internet is a saviour of sorts, where you actually can communicate with ease with people who are awake because it is not their time to sleep yet.

It seems to be that time again, when I must force myself to sleep…

and i’m crying and i don’t know what’s changed. i’m not sobbing. this isn’t furious crying. the tears aren’t hot. they’re cool and running down my cheeks gently. controlled crying. though i can’t stop it. in half an hour i feel like i’m back to feeling so low. why do i bother picking myself back up? i need to know what happened but can’t ask. i can’t bring myself to ask. i know it’ll break me. and i already feel broken and i just want you to fix it. and i smiled all evening as i wanted to and i wanted people to see me as smiling but does that count? i smiled even though i felt bad. not low. just bad. walking out in the rain and fresh air helped. all three times. and my jumper was on backwards. and, and i can’t even think what to type next but i don’t want to stop. instead i put my phone on charge, change song and get under my covers. and it starts all over again. i can’t keep these tears in. it’s most days now but it hasn’t been there for this past week. this feeling that just has to escape. leave me in the best way possible. and i’ll keep listening to the music for at least another hour i know. and yet all i want you to do is hug me. i’ve pulled the blanket up as far as it will go. keep myself contained to just this bed. just here. i know i don’t want to get up in the morning and i have to ask for money and i know that, that will start an argument. and we’ve already argued tonight. and you shouted in my face and i told you not to swear. but you wouldn’t listen. free speech, you said. go fuck yourself, i said. i walked out then. i’ll pay in the morning. tomorrow, today even, will be a bad day. i can already feel it. i know that i wont want to get out of bed at all and can already feel that. i know that i want to just sleep it off. sleep till the next day. then, maybe, get up. i haven’t pressed enter once and the fact it isn’t all broken up feels different today. like it shouldn’t be like this and my need to keep myself together is making me not break up my words. and it’s another of those heart stopping songs. so melancholy. i close my eyes and just listen to this one. what changed with them? i don’t want that. i’m curling up inside. please, please, don’t let me end up like this. please just let me have this one. let this work out. let this go okay. please? i can bargain with you anything you want, i’ll trade anything to make this one work. i want you more now due to the way i’m feeling. feeling rejected by you. and that’s fucked up. pourin’ myself some whisky, i’m gonna get real fucking drunk, pourin’ some whisky right now, i’m gonna get so so drunk, that i pass out, and forget your face, till i wake up. just fucking work right. no, i don’t want you more now because of that feeling. i wanted you more before. it’s been growing and growing still. but i feel it’s magnified now. that’s so childish of me. i hate feeling childish. other feelings i can cope with. deal and move on. but childishness makes me feel so pathetic with everything. so pathetic in myself. and i want this feeling to go away. i saw two of them today and i sat on my own and drank my pot of tea and i didn’t feel like i wanted to be over at their table. i still haven’t seen her. i’m telling myself i hate her. i know i don’t but i want to hate her. that’s better than nothing right? the fact i know i don’t want her and that i want to hate her. yeah i’m still holding on to pieces of her. her letters and photos but they’re no longer on my walls and i don’t go in that box anymore. and i can’t remember any in jokes any more. i don’t think there was any. just things that happened. not like now. i could name at least a thousand things i share with you and i’ll see you later on. you sent me a text and asked me. i want a hug. i want arms around me. just wrapping me up safely and tight. and warm. please wrap me up. i need you more than you think or maybe you know, just you haven’t cared to address yet.

and now i feel ill. i knew i shouldn’t have looked at it. i knew i should try and cut you out of my life but i just couldn’t resist. and you quoted a song and it was by him, the same one you put on the cd for me. and i knew the moment i typed his name into the web i would end up listening to that song. the way it makes me feel like my insides have come completely detached from the outside. two separates that just happen to be together. and i watched and thought about the past year. i even talked about it with you. about how we would go back and still do the same things. we would end up here. here’s not so bad. just not brilliant.

i cooked tonight. not much burning. i have no idea what i have been watching on the tv. the music numbed my brain. i can’t think straight. i skipped it every time on shuffle. deleted it from every playlist. took the cd out of the player. all so i couldn’t here it again.

you can feel it, tearing you up from the inside.

There are those times that seem as though sleep is not on the agenda, not in the forecast.  The sleepless moments, the restless nights that happen to each of us.  Some of us have a few of these times and for some they occur day after day, never the less, what if we looked at these moments as gifts.  The gift of “awakening”…

These sleepless moments provide us opportunities to be at peace, in the stillness of the now, with memories of yesterday and the faith of tomorrow.  Take time to see all the gifts you have surrounding you, your talents, your achievements, your creativity. Glance back and look forward.  Listen, to the whispers of laughter and love experienced with each breath.

During those time why not, create a gratitude journal, write down your thoughts (which is what I do)  or write a story, a poem.  List your blessings giving thanks for all that is and that is to come.  Use these times to go within and let your inner-child spring forth and flow out in love.  Accept these moments, these gifts, as a time to remember who you are and give thanks for just being.

I can’t sleep.

I have a heavy mind.

Can’t clear the thoughts,

Am I wasting time…

Who am I?

Would I be missed?

Does anyone know

That I even exist…

Where are you?

I feel so alone.

I know we are one,

Though I’m flesh and bone…

My heart is breaking.

Tears in my eyes.

I feel separated,

In desperation I cry…

Come into my moment

I pray and weep.

Join me now,

In peaceful sleep…

©Leticia G. Dominguez

• Drink coffee..do stupid things faster with more energy.
• Look to the left n scream
• Books , books ,books—annoy that store owner
• Go get some food
• Don’t useless shop
• Stop blah blah-ing
• Wake thy ass up in the morning not early early morning though
• Save time
• Eat less and yell more
• Pig ..sucha pig
• STUDY lol
• Stop acting like you’re drunk if caffeine deprived
• Colorful colorful —-??
• You are not the queen of procrastination …may be the one beside you!
• Ready to slog thy elf the whole day
• Damn!!!

P.S :: ab kaiku ghoorra re …dimakh kharab -this is for you -> don’t take yourself too seriously,nobody else does!!
Lite le baap.

I’m excited, very excited.
20th November, the day that I finish school forever and also the day that I fly back home for 5 lovely, long weeks of freedom. I haven’t been this excited in a very long time, it’s possibly the only thing that i’m looking foward to in my life right now.
I really need to get out of Australia for a while, it’s not that I don’t like Australia because I do, I think it has been an interesting place to live, it’s just that the city is killing me. I need to go back to my little, quiet, hometown and catch up with old friends and family. I’m not used to this city living, i’m not use to this constant noise, i’m not used to these sleepless night’s and i’m not used to these city people.

The negative effects of sleep deprivation are well known and become more detailed all the time.  Lack of sleep or ongoing poor quality sleep has been implicated in a wide array of disorders such as obesity, high blood pressure, sexual dysfunction, social and psychological problems.  It appears that nationally, inadequate sleep is a widespread health problem.  It is perceived by Americans ranging from state to state to differing degrees, however, overall it appears that as few as 33% of adults feel they do get enough sleep nightly.  That leaves tens of millions feeling that they do not.  The stresses of modern life replete with time demands and overfilled schedules is in large measure responsible for this epidemic.  Add in lack of exercise, poor dietary habits and possible abuse of legal drugs (caffeine, alcohol and tobacco) as well as use of illegal substances and the stage is set for a less than satisfactory sleep experience.  Experts feel that 7-8 hours of quality sleep are necessary for adults to experience optimal health.  So assess your sleep situation and take measures to correct any factors that may keep “counting sheep” far longer than you wish to . . . ben kazie md

Sleepless in Seattle? Hardly. West Virginia is where people are really staying awake, according to the first government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness.
West Virginians’ lack of sleep was about double the national rate, perhaps a side effect of health problems, like obesity, experts said.

Getting enough sleep? They aren’t in West Virginia – http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-10-29-sleepless-states_N.htm

Only one-third of adults say they are getting enough sleep every night, a new U.S. government report shows. Some 50 – 70 million American adults suffer from sleep and wakefulness disorders, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Not getting enough sleep has been tied to mental distress, depression, anxiety, obesity, hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol and certain risk behaviors including cigarette smoking, physical inactivity and heavy drinking.

Millions of Americans Don’t Get Enough Sleep – http://healthday.com/Article.asp?AID=632575

In what states do people report getting sufficient sleep or, conversely, being sleep deprived? Thanks to the Centers for Disease Control, we now have an answer to that question. The CDC studied the responses of more than 400.000 people in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and three U.S. territories to a survey given in 2008. People were asked if they had insufficient rest or sleep in the preceding 30 days. Because of the differences between what young adults consider sufficient sleep compared with, say their parents, the researchers adjusted the results for age. They found that North Dakotans had the fewest complaints about insufficient sleep with only 7.4 percent of them reporting too little sleep or rest in the prior 30 days.

North Dakotans Get Best Sleep, West Virginians Worst – http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2009/10/north_dakotans_get_best_sleep.html

The importance of chronic sleep insufficiency is under-recognized as a public health problem, despite being associated with numerous physical and mental health problems, injury, loss of productivity, and mortality (1,2). Approximately 29% of U.S. adults report sleeping <7 hours per night (3) and 50–70 million have chronic sleep and wakefulness disorders (1). A CDC analysis of 2006 data from the Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (BRFSS) in four states showed that an estimated 10.1% of adults reported receiving insufficient rest or sleep on all days during the preceding 30 days (4). To examine the prevalence of insufficient rest or sleep in all states, CDC analyzed BRFSS data for all 50 states, the District of Columbia (DC), and three U.S. territories (Guam, Puerto Rico, and U.S. Virgin Islands) in 2008. This report summarizes the results, which showed that among 403,981 respondents, 30.7% reported no days of insufficient rest or sleep and 11.1% reported insufficient rest or sleep every day during the preceding 30 days. Females (12.4%) were more likely than males (9.9%) and non-Hispanic blacks (13.3%) were more likely than other racial/ethnic groups to report insufficient rest or sleep. State estimates of 30 days of insufficient rest or sleep ranged from 7.4% in North Dakota to 19.3% in West Virginia. Health-care providers should consider adding an assessment of chronic rest or sleep insufficiency to routine office visits so they can make needed interventions or referrals to sleep specialists.

Perceived Insufficient Rest or Sleep Among Adults-United States, 2008 – http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5842a2.htm

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Dạo này lo ăn chơi dữ quá nên quên mất tiu cái blog lun. Tối nay t6, tranh thủ viết vài dòng ghi lại mấy chuyện gần đây.

Số là vừa đi team building ở Long Hải với cty về. Sướng + vui dã man con ngan lun Thật ra thì lúc đầu mình ko có ý định đi cái team building này nữa vì đi làm, đi học miết, thi cử, present,… hết cái này tới cái kia chạy đuối lun,nên tới t7  CN là giống như đc lên heaven vậy, chỉ muốn nằm nhà relax cho khỏe thân. Nhưng thấy ko khí nô nức của mấy anh chị trong cty, nghĩ nghĩ nằm nhà cũng buồn cộng thêm nguồn thông tin quý báu từ chị Như cho biết anh Quốc bên Genares cũng bận thi y như mình mà vẫn cứ đăng kí đi chơi, thế là mình cũng ham dzui đi theo lun. Cái tật nó hại cái thân ! Tối t6 ngồi viết lại cái plan nộp chị Thu, sáng t7 ôn bài cấp tốc, 10h lên thi cái rụp rồi về, chưa bao giờ cái quá trình này diễn ra chóng vánh đến vậy, hic hic. Dạo này hổng bít có uống nhầm mật gấu hay ko mà mình liều dễ sợ .

Trưa t7 ăn uống qua loa rồi soạn đồ đạc cũng đến hơn 2h, định là nằm nghỉ ngơi 1 chút đến 3h rồi đi, ai dè quất 1 giấc đến 3h 35’ ( mà anh Quốc hẹn đón mình lúc 3h mới chết chứ. Đt thì để silent, lúc tỉnh dậy thấy 5 missed calls của a Q, tưởng kì này chắc ở nhà lun gòy. Hên sao kẹt xe, cuối cùng thì ông trời vẫn cho mình đi chơi Mà mắc cười, cái xe 16 chỗ mà chỉ có 2 anh em với bác tài, ngồi lạnh thấu xương lun >.< Bắt đầu đi từ 4h, đúng 6h là tới nơi, công nhận bác tài phán đúng thiệt mặc dù ổng ko có biết đường xá j hết trơn hết trọi. Tới nơi thì vừa đúng lúc mọi ng chuẩn bị ăn tối: buffet hải sản đàng hoàng nha. Chỗ dịch vụ tour guide này cũng rất là chu đáo, nó check list, biết mình còn trên phòng, gọi đt mời mình xuống ăn lun. Mà mình rất là ghét ăn buffet: tại cái tính ham ăn, thấy cái j cũng bỏ vô dĩa, cuối cùng thừa ra 1 đống, bị la. Nhưng lần này thì có tiến bộ 1 chút vì ai cũng bỏ thừa hết chứ ko phải 1 mình mình =)) Ăn xong thì tới màn chộp hình, tự nhiên bon chen đi uốn vodka với mấy anh chị, uống xong cái mặt đỏ lơ đỏ lét, chụp hình xấu quắc xấu quơ lun àh . Sau đó, anh Thái qua bàn mình biểu diễn ảo thuật nữa chứ, cũng hay phết!

Xong màn ăn uống là màn hóa trang chuẩn bị cho đêm lửa trại. Mắc cười Vincent, thấy ai cũng vẽ rồng vẽ rắn lên mặt, ổng chơi ịn nguyên cái bàn tay màu đỏ lên mặt với lên bụng lun =)) thiệt là 1 ca khó đỡ mà. Đêm lửa trai vui ơi là vui: gồm 3 vòng thi rất là nhí nhố

Vòng 1 là dance tự sướng theo nhạc: team mình có Vincent nhảy xung phải biết lun. Bầu ổng làm leader cho cả nhóm nhảy theo mà ổng cứ kêu mình làm, cuối cùng 2 ng cùng làm lun ). Mà đc cái là body của Vincent khá đẹp, khi nhảy nhìn rất là shexiii, phù hợp với tiu chí của BGK, hé hé

Vòng 2 là sáng tác thơ văn: công nhận BTC ác bà cố lun, có 5’ mà đòi sáng tác bài thơ dài hơn 5 câu với đủ mọi yêu cầu. nhưng ko sao, team mình có anh Thái, vốn là trùm sáng tác mà. Sau 5’ team mìh cũng có đc bài thơ lục bát 8 câu chứ ít j :>:>:> ( trong đó có vài câu của mình nữa, hehe)

Vòng 3 là thử trí thông minh: hỏi những câu rất là nhảm ruồi đại loại như:

Q: xe j càng thắng càng thua? A: xe đạp

Q: con trâu hướng đầu về hướng mặt trời, sau đó xoay trái 180 độ, xoay phải 180 độ, hỏi cái đuôi nó chỉ hướng nào? A: chỉ xuống đất chứ đâu :-W ( câu này mình bị lừa, nói là chỉ về hướng đối diện mặt trời )

…

Nói chung là rất nhìu câu hỏi đánh lừa kiểu như vậy, mà ai cũng trả lời sai hết trơn, vui pà cố lun.

Cuối cùng khi tổng kết điểm 3 vòng lại thì team mình đứng thứ 2 toàn đoàn, cũng giỏi chứ bộ :>

Sau đó, mọi ng tản ra đi nướng khoai với bắp + ngắm biển đêm ) Đc 1 hồi thì cũng chán, thế là kéo nhau lên quậy phá khu vực hồ bơi. Công nhận anh Thái lắm tài lẻ, cái j cũng biết hết: chơi ghita, chơi amonica, hát cũng khá hay, rồi làm thơ nữa. Chị Thu với chị Bình thì đem đồ ăn (mồi nhậu) xuống bày linh tinh, thằng Trí thì đem mấy chai vodka xuống nữa, thế là đủ làm thành cái bàn nhậu. Chị Bình còn qui định xoay tua uống, ai ko uống phải làm trò cười cho mọi ng, thế là mình lại phải uống rượu nữa, làm tối đó nằm vật vờ lun >.<Quậy phá tưng bừng cái khu vực đó cũng đến gần 2h sáng. Xong, kéo tiếp lên phòng chị Thu với chị Bình đánh bài. Mình thì ko biết đánh nhưng thằng Trí nó rủ qua chơi nên cũng qua cho dzui. Mình đc mấy anh chị tiếp đãi rất là chu đáo nha: chị Bình thì mời uống café, ăn mì gói, anh Thái thì gọt táo cho ăn, chị Thu thì mời uống sữa. Ai dè, qua giỡn đã đời, bị chị Bình bắt ở lại lun, ko đc về ngủ với lí do: mọi ng chém giết nhau mua vui cho mình đã đời, mình tay ko đi về ngủ ngon đc àh? Mún về thì nộp $$$ ( lúc đầu còn 150k sau tăng dần lên đến 250k lun ( ) Làm mình cứ ngồi đó vật và vật vờ: ngủ cũng bị phạt tiền, ngáp cũng bị phạt tiền. Mà mọi ng tinh ý lắm nha, ngáp 1 cái nhẹ cũng bị phát hiện làm ngậm miệng ko kịp, tí nữa là méo miệng lun gòy, rồi ngủ mà miệng vẫn phải cười mỉm mỉm để giả bộ là chưa ngủ làm mấy anh chị cười quá chừng lun. Tình trạng này kéo dài đến 4h sáng thì mình đc tha bổng, mừng húm, chạy về phòng đánh 1 giấc tới 8h sáng, bò lun cái chương trình yoga hấp dẫn .  Tưởng sao, sáng hôm sau bị truy thu tiền phạt (

Ngày hôm sau thì cũng ko có j đặc biệt ngoài việc xách máy chụp hình đi tự sướng + sướng giùm ng khác  Ra dzọc nước hồ bơi thì bị chị Huyền với a Quốc kéo xuống hồ lun, tí nữa là rơi lun rồi, hết hồn lun àh >.< Nhưng mà ngồi đây nhìn mọi ng bơi lội tung tăng thấy cũng dzui dzui, tự nhiên thấy tủi thân vì hổng bít bơi , hic hic.

Thôi, để mai vít típ, giờ đi ngủ cái đã, đuối ơi là đuối gòy

P/s: bonus thêm 2 pix coi chơi

Grief is an ever changing territory. Sometimes the terrain is rough and unsteady, hair-pin turns and sheer cliffs on seemingly every side.  Other times the terrain is smooth and steady, you can almost put it on auto pilot and coast.  There are days when my grief is small enough to bundle up and put into my purse, and other days where my grief is so big that all of the duffel bags, suitcases and backpacks in my house, couldn’t hold the load that is my grief. She is sneaky, my grief.  One moment she is sitting still beside me on the couch like a good little girl, and the next moment she has gained 300 pounds and pinned me to the floor,  knee in my gut, fingers wrapped around my throat leaving me gasping for air. How does she do this? Why can’t she stay small and manageable? How is it that she can grow and shrink, and do so of her own volition?

My girl, Grief, has a friend that she likes to bring around with her. Her name is Pain. She’s a real bitch this one,  sneaky  as well.  Sometimes she’s just this dull little annoyance, ever present and dully throbbing….but manageable.  But Pain doesn’t like to be dull, playing sharp is her game.  It always seems that just when I’ve filed  the razor sharp edges off my girl, Pain,  some knife-sharpening fairy comes in while I’m not looking and gives her a free sharpening . Thanx a lot fairy.

So what do I do with my girls Grief and Pain? I really wish  I could  tell them to get the hell out and never come back.  I just don’t think that’s possible. They’re a part of me now, even though I wish they weren’t. I understand that Grief and Pain are ever changing, their ebb and flow a part of the orchestra of my life. Some days they are the Director and I am the musician. On those days the music is a haunting and dark melody, the chords striking a cold thud on your insides, making you sick with it. I hate it when they direct.  It’s a constant struggle between us girls, always fighting for the directors wand…but I’m sick of fighting. This is MY orchestra, and I want to DIRECT! So listen here Ms. Fatty Grief…..GO ON A DIET. I realize that you’re here to stay that’s just the way of it. But if you’re going to play in my orchestra, you’ll have to be able to fit on the chair provided. And that bitch, Pain, that you always bring around with you? Well you tell her this. NO SHARP INSTRUMENTS ALLOWED. I filed her razor sharp edges down to a dull edge. It’s still an edge, it still hurts. But it cannot kill. My life’s orchestra is comprised of many instruments,  each one singing a different story but all creating the same music. There are many stories in a musical piece. Stories of tragedy, but also of triumph. Stories of pain, but also of healing. It takes many components to create a beautiful piece, and as different as they all are, it is their difference that blend together to create the song. I will accept the harmony  you play in my orchestra, but let’s get one thing clear. I’M THE DIRECTOR.

five-hundred and fifty-five. see that? that, is what’s making me happy right now.

and it’s twelve minutes past one and i can’t sleep because my mind is racing and my heart pumping.

for the first time in months you put an ‘i love you’ at the end of your text again, no, not the end, just ‘i love you’ no faces, no kisses, just love and that’s all i wanted. all i have ever wanted, was to feel love. and right now, i am.

my hot water bottles cooled. the red rubber no longer hot.

“Fuck it, lets hibernate
It’s cold and it is late”

my right eye is stinging. the dog keeps moving on the sofa and i know i should sleep. i have to get up early tomorrow, i just have to. i might not sleep, i wouldn’t if i could find the tablets. but i can’t so i shall have to. get up early? go for a run? boil the water from the kettle, use.

i wish you’d of texted back, i’ll speak to you soon, i know, just, just.

“you took me to the darkest place you knew, and set fire to my heart”

the clock’s ticking. i can hear him coughing from up above. my nose is itching. i can’t sleep as i slept all day but i’m happy.

i’m happy. for a long time i haven’t been able to make up my mind. i’m certain now.

all i need is an opportunity.