Iran President’s penis “incredibly small”

By RHAPPI KANASTA  (Ass.Press) – 6 hours ago

NEW YORK — An official of the United Nations announced that U.N. inspectors have determined that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s penis is barely visible.

“Some members of the inspection team argue that it doesn’t even exist,”  said Hans Schlimmer, U.N. Head Inspector. “But proper diplomacy requires that we give any Head of State the benefit of the doubt,” Schlimmer said.

The existence of Ahmadinejad’s genitalia came into question when Hans Blix, former head of the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission commented “this guy is totally dickless” after meeting with Ahmadinejad in 2004.

“If true, it certainly would explain a lot,” said Martha Hemeker, psychologist and expert in sexual dysfunctions. “He does seem to be compensating for something,”Hemeker concluded.

First, before I begin, I just want to say that, as I type this, I am listening to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance and loving it.

I haven’t decided yet if the images she crafts are parody and/or satire.  However, even if her visual marketing is a bit repulsive, her music is unexpectedly very good.

Second, I want to mention Sarah Palin.

Her mere mention in this blog boosts my traffic tremendously.  Palin is at the heart of many google searches that lead the hapless, and unsuspecting, Internet surfer to this page – second only to searches for smiley faces.

Don’t ask me why, but thousands upon thousands of you out there access this blog using terms like “smiley,” “smiley face,” “smily face,” “evil smiley” and “evil smiley face.” If you are reading this, then the odds are you got here looking for an evil smiley face.

As for you who out there who found my page using google searches centering on Sarah Palin – and there are more of you every day –  please take my word for it that you won’t find any nude pictures of Palin here.

Not "nude" per se.

Nor will you find any photos or discussions or any jokes even remotely related to any of the following apparently popular search terms:

Sarah Palin feet

Sarah Palin feets

Sarah Palin shoes

Sarah Palin Girl Scout

Sarah Palin Girl Scout Hat

Sarah Palin bullet bra

Sarah Palin donkey

Sarah Palin naughty nurse

Sarah Palin dog collar

Sarah Palin smoking

Sarah Palin smoking cigarettes

Sarah Palin cheerleader

Sarah Palin cheer leader

Sarah Palin dominatrix

Sarah Palin dominetrix

Sarah Palin dominutrix

Sarah Palin Navajo sweat lodge

Sarah Palin sweet lodge

Sarah Palin colonoscopy

Sarah Palin nasal passage

Sarah Palin sexy

Sarah Palin sexy cyborg

These are not all of the search terms related to Sarah Palin that have lead people to this blog, but they are some of the most troubling ones.

Who are you people? Do you live anywhere near me? Because if you do, I am moving the hell away.  ”Sarah Palin nasal passage?” “Sarah Palin sexy cyborg?”  What on earth is going on?  Are you out of your piggy little minds?

Look, let’s cut to the chase: if photos of anything even remotely related to any of those search terms existed, then I would have posted them. But there aren’t any – at least not yet.  I fully expect that, once her political star sinks, as it surely will, she will attempt to cash in on her name and reignite her celebrity by “accidentally” posting a sex tape or nude pics the way Carrie Prejean did.

Just jam-packed with irony, both actual and potential.

The lure of easy money is the greatest weakness from which white trash suffers.

Just oozing with greed and white trash hubris.

I am utterly convinced that the continuing revelations about Carrie Prejean’s multiple sex tapes (self-shot) and porno pics are part of a liberal conspiracy to discredit attractive but stupid right wing ultra Christian women who hate homosexuals.

But I digress.  I am really here to talk about Stargate Universe. I am a new participant on a blog hosted by the Brisbane Times and authored by John Birmingham, author of Without Warning and the Axis of Time series – all of which I enjoyed, have reread and highly recommend.

John’s blog is called The Geek and you can find it by going here. The Geek is devoted to issues designed to appeal to everyone’s inner nerd – i.e., questions centering on computers, technology and, lately, science fiction.  If you want to see what the Geek is all about, just sample the sparkling discussion by clicking here.

John Birmingham and premier tech geek and author, Orin Thomas.

Most recently in the Geek the Geek John has expressed his appreciation for Stargate Universe, a new series on the SyFi cable network.  Thus far I’ve based my criticism on the show’s lack of sexy space chicks.

Not appearing on Stargate Universe

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Also not appearing on Stargate Universe

But John’s recent opinion, the comments from some of his regular visitors, and the undeniable fact that the last SG-U episode was really very good, has forced me to get serious and explain why I am critical of the show.  What follows expands on the comment I left at the Geek.

To better explain why I haven’t liked SG-U until this last episode requires a short history of popular science fiction. In the beginning, science fiction was part of “high culture,” written by amazingly proficient writers like Mary Shelley, Jules Verne, Edwin Abbott Abbott and H.G. Wells (“the Early Masters”).

H.G. Wells. Wrote Sci Fi to meet women.

It wasn’t even called science fiction; it was, instead, referred to as  “scientific romance.” Then, in the late 1920’s in New York City, science fiction crept into pulp magazines and became popularized.  Lots of people read it, but, as literature, it was rubbish and even the best SF writers were, compared with the Early Masters, uneducated amateur hacks. But, like circus geeks who dream of playing Carnegie Hall, these pulp fiction hacks dreamed of critical recognition.

She considered herself an artist.

This desire for critical recognition for science fiction started a slow climb towards legitimacy – which required writers to display proficiency as well as imagination. Harlan Ellison was and still is part of this effort.

Harlan was a pensive young dude.

Unlike most science fiction writers of his time, Ellison began his career writing in the mainstream. In the 1950’s he wrote about youth gangs. In the 1960’s he wrote erotica.  In the 1960’s he began selling scripts for science fiction television programs like Star Trek and The Outer Limits.  These scripts were remarkably well written (Star Trek – The City on the Edge of Forever; The Outer Limits – Demon With the Glass Hand) and stood out as perhaps the best episodes of those series, garnering legitimate critical acclaim.

Ultra cool.

In the 1970’s Ellison became one of the leaders in the movement to legitimize science fiction. His own stories injected more mature themes into the genre – resulting in critical and commercial success.  His short story A Boy and His Dog – culminating with the hero and his pet eating the heroine – was produced as a movie.

Ellison’s efforts to improve science fiction were inventive.  Way before the rest of the world became aware how language colors perception, Ellison attempted to remove the stigma associated with science fiction by insisting I be referred to only as “speculative fiction.”

Ellison was part of a movement that raised the bar on what to expect from science fiction.  These efforts brought big benefits:  over the years that followed, Sci Fi writers slowly died out and have been replaced by writers who incidentally employ science fiction concepts and constructs.  This is not a trivial change.  Writers today – such as John Birmingham – are writers first, serious about the craft of writing. Science fiction concepts and constructs are devices used to help tell the story.

Before the reform movement described above, it used to be the other way around: science fiction concepts and constructs took precedent over story. For example, more often than not, any given science fiction story focused on space ships, ray guns and, yes, space chicks.

Adolescent geek wish fulfillment realized.

The story itself was incidental to these factors. So now we come to Stargate Universe.  This new program results from the desire to legitimize science fiction and focus on story and not on ray guns or space chicks.

That is SG-U’s strength, but it is also its weakness, because, in their efforts to inject real drama into science fiction, the SG-U writers and producers have forgotten who their audience is.

There is nothing wrong with well-written drama. What I saw last night on SG-U wasn’t melodramatic and wasn’t soap opera.  It was well written, well directed drama.  But those responsible for SG-U have forgotten that guys who grew up thrilled by space chicks and space battles make up SG-U’s audience.

Not a space chick, but she played one on TV.

Even the recent reinvention of Battlestar Galactica sprinkled amazing drama with the occasional amazing space battle – AND it included the occasional space chick.

That’s what kept us watching our television screens while really well written, well acted and well-directed drama took place.

Bertolt Brecht believed that literature and art should educate the viewer.  I believe that SG-U’s writers and producers are trying to educate the fan boys into appreciating drama. Or they have decided that BSG did the educating and now was the time to make the final transition from pop culture back to high culture. Either way, those responsible for SG-U were and are wrong.  The fan boys still want space battles and space chicks.  Drama is fine – especially if it is well written – but please remember who your audience is.  BSG succeeded because it emphasized story but never became dull.  You can do it, too.

Remember your audience.

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Once again, I fall for the cute bottle.  The bottle is completely black except for this bright smiley face.  I haven’t been the most cheerful person this week, so a wine titled ” Project Happiness ” sounded good to me.

The wine isn’t that great, but its not terrible.  It tasted dryer than most syrahs I have had, but the aroma was pleasant.  The price of the bottle completely ranges online which is quite confusing to me.  Luckily I bought this at Trader Joe’s for about $6.  I think it was worth the $6, but if it had a frown face on the front – probably not.

2.5 stars

someone made a little smiley face on the pinboard of our school today =)

=)

Kids today aren’t flirting the way they used to.  In an age of text messaging, Twitter, picture messaging, e-mail, IM, Facebook and more, youths are using digital means of communicating their interest in one another.  This new way of interacting with one another has landed some kids in trouble , but to others, it’s just a new way of doing things.

This trend was recognized most recently by popular culture with a catchy new hip-hop song called “LOL Smiley Face,” referring to the sometimes-confusing lingo utilized by kids today.  The song talks about flirting with women using modern technology, including text messaging, sending TwitPics, and more.

View an unofficial music video for the song, complete with lyrics, here.

*Warning: These lyrics do not contain overt profanity but do contain risque themes and suggestive phrases.*

Listening to The Cool Kids made me want to wear this shirt.
Smiley face, have a nice day t-shirt, Mikey says You should wear it at our next concert. Cool Kids In the sand box, you can’t play, It’s A B C not Ay baybay.



Shirt- Goodwill, $3.50
Plaid shirt- Ross, $7
Pants- Target, $13
Shoes- Goodwill, $2
Purse- Gift, free!

Some old pictures from Capitol Hill. I like the blue sticker and the smiley face-eyed sticker from Lim.

East Village, NYC. 10003

This one is for Dr. Jimmy!

:  :  :  :  :  :  :  :  :  :  : 

Please do not steal these photos. It is simply bad karma and you could develop a nasty rash all over your body – is it really worth the risk?

All around the world, language is one of the most important factors about a person. Unfortunately, language has changed according to the area that a person lives in. Slang is part of every teenagers life and has become a life saver to get messages sent out at lighting bolt speed.

The use of slang has created new phrases such as lol (laughing out loud) to nmjc (nothing much just chilling). Even though these abbreviations are good for messaging friends, the constant use of these phrases would eventually damage a students academic career.

I have known many people who have used slang to write their essays for class. Instead of the phrase “what’s up”, people write, “wat ^”. Not knowing the mistakes that they are making on their essays, the daily habit of writing in slang can damage a persons grade and affect their academic career.

Even though slang can damage a persons academic career, it also has its perks. Writing abbreviations instead of complete sentences saves time and is easy to understand.

While its convenient to use slang, one must use caution because if slang is used too much without restraint, slang would become the dominant language (which is not a good thing).

 
October 1, 2029—A Walmart store in Ohio today publicly defended its decision to fire three greeters after its smile detector system calculated that they grinned insincerely at customers walking into the store.

“We have to make sure our patrons are receiving the friendliest service possible,” Walmart President Lou Price said in an interview with FU.  “That’s one of the big reasons they shop here. We can’t have our greeters giving customers disingenuous grins.”

The three employees, all working at a store in the town of Chillicothe, were fired Monday.  The dismissals have led to a boycott of that store and a firestorm of bad publicity for the entire Walmart chain.  City Councilman Barry Geunheunter has accused the company of unfair labor practices.

Walmart installed the employee smile detectors throughout its stores worldwide last year to make sure greeters were welcoming each customer with a friendly face.  The wireless hubs are attached to headpieces that each employee must wear.  Those headpieces measure eye and mouth movements and send data back to the hub, which in turn calculates whether or not the facial measures represent a smile. But Walmart decided in May to add software upgrades to the detection systems to make sure the employees’ smiles were genuine. 

One of the fired employees, Emma Cheezer, told FU that she has a stellar record of authentic smiling while on the job. But she said she believes she was fired for insincerely smiling at a customer that she recognized as the man who had carjacked her an hour earlier as she drove to work.

Humble kitchen twine is the undisputed champion of the garden tools and equipment.  Of course, there are lots of tools I would not want to be without:  the rake and the shovel and the scissors, for a start.  But the neatly rolled ball of twine has really proved itself indispensable over the seasons.

Now, when we’re nearly to the point of pulling down some of the temporary structures and removing non-performing plants, I’m grateful for another feature of that utilitarian wonder.  It’s biodegradable.  I bought the kind that’s all natural and organic, not bleached or anything, and I can put it right into the compost pile, along with the plants it’s been supporting all summer long.

Some of the lengths of twine are already beginning to show signs of breaking down — not that they’ve stopped doing their jobs.  No, no, no.  Just that they’re looking a bit worn and decrepit, as though they wouldn’t mind taking a long winter’s nap.

Does anyone else see the little face chomped into the leaf by an insect?  It’s turned slightly on its side.  There’s a little painted white dot directly above and between its eyes, sort of like the symbolic third eye sometimes depicted on the forehead.  See it now?

Funny; isn’t it?

It looks like a kooky smiley face to me, drawn perhaps by a slightly demented person — or a clever bug with limited access to figure-drawing class and a fine sense of humor.  I mean, I know I said I was experiencing the consciousness of bugs in our mutual interactions this summer, but this seems to point to a rather more developed awareness than even I was postulating.

It could also be a very unusual jack-o-lantern design.  I’m thinking of copying the bug on this year’s Hallowe’en pumpkin.  (And no, the pumpkin will not come from the Victory Garden — not nearly enough space for those wonderful, rambling vines.)  It’s almost postmodern:  simple & childlike, yet strong and purposefully deconstructed.  Also, goofy and awesome.

This bug is one sophisticated designer.

What do you all think?  Natural coincidence, more evidence of the fairies visiting the garden when I’m not looking, or Exhibit A for the question of the consciousness of insects?

Or perhaps incontrovertible proof that I’ve spent a little too much time communing with the things that live in the garden lately?

Whenever I visit the bagel factory near Notting Hill Gate station on my lunch break, I leave smirking quietly to myself at a parting joke. There’s one man who runs the show, doesn’t get lunch breaks and works long shifts six days a week. And he is always joking, always laughing, always happy. I’d even venture to say he loves his job, though he will certainly deny it.

Today, he made me a smiley face, spiky hair included, with BBQ sauce on my chicken melt cheese bagel. He told me if I’m ever having a bad day, just think of my BBQ smiley face. He’s a lovely, warm-hearted, genuine human being. And he makes me want to eat more bagels.

If you’re ever in the area and are having a bad day, give it a whirl…

Bagel Factory
61 Notting Hill Gate
London W11 3JS

Rings upon the countertop

Rings upon my fingers

Rings inside the telephone

Your voice still seems to linger

Smiles on bumper stickers

Smiles on happy faces

Smiles on trucks and carpet stains

Find them in the weirdest of places

Click pic to play "LOL "

Grade = B+

Listen here

Click pic to play "LOL "

“LOL Smiley Face” is from Trey Songz’s latest album Ready.

Click pic to play "LOL "

by:

Dexter Bryant Jr. (d.BRYJ)
DbryJ Music Media

Last week I received my umpteenth correspondence from Highlights for Children, and in it I found the key to my start of the school year success: stickers. My children, despite being ages 11 and 9, think that stickers are corny and dorky, but they’re still accepting them as a reward for a pleasant morning going “to” and a pleasant afternoon coming “from” school. They rolled their eyes at me when I held out the sheet and told them each to pick one…but pick they did, and they’re sticking them on notebooks, box lids, electronics—you name it (just not shirts or skin—gosh, Mom, so gauche).

The way I figure it, one sheet of multicolored funny faces should last us about two weeks. That’s sure more economical than giving them money, more healthy than giving them cookies, and less demanding than any other rewards system I could think of.

Perhaps I should start rewarding myself in stickers. Crazy enough to work.