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Frankfurter Spectacular!

So folks, we’ve had our first major spider sighting about an hour ago.

We were warned about this, even told to shake out our shoes every morning, because these twats are… 965 more words

dani8080 reblogged this on I Curse Because I Care and commented:

So folks, we've had our first spider sighting about an hour ago. We were warned about this. Even told to shake out our shoes every morning, because these ass monsters of your nightmares are very real and very in your damn house right now. Fuuuck me. It’s going to be a long night. We were winding down from yet another remarkably boring day in Burwood by partaking in our nightly routine: piling into my room, playing music, and abusing the gravity bong we’d put together with a bucket and ½ of a liter bottle of some shitty Australian soda. (Please refer to diagram below) [caption id="attachment_225" align="aligncenter" width="300"]See Mom? I'm basically an engineer! Quit crying. See Mom? I'm basically an engineer. Quit crying.[/caption] Roughly 45 to 75 minutes later, depending on the neighbor's weed, two of my comrades sauntered into one of the girls’ rooms to raid her candy stash. The rest of us hung in the living room watching “A Walk in the Clouds” for the fourth time (rented) on VHS. *Good thing I traveled to the other side of the planet for this experience.* That’s when we heard the screams so horrible, how the cops weren’t called is a damn miracle. The one girl who spotted it has serious(ly annoying) Arachnophobia, had been talking about her disease since the first day we unpacked, so naturally she’s sobbing uncontrollably. The other one can’t stop doing the heeby-jeeby dance all over the house. She was doing a pretty decent job of keeping her shit together, but we could see the fear in her eyes. It was quite the turn of house vibe in a matter of mere moments, I will say that. Everyone, half out of intrigue/half out of boredom, jumped to see how big this asshole was. I opted to stay put with Keanu.

keanu reeves  vs huntsman spider

For some, this may not be such an easy choice, and I respect that.

When the toughest, baddest chick in our house decided to check it out for herself, I looked to her for guidance. Surely it couldn't be that bad, but I needed Maranger’s level head and guts of steel to ease my mind. Her badassery knew no bounds, and I respected the hell out of her. She was basically House-Mom of the apartment and had a zero tolerance policy when it came to bullshit. She existed on three substances: Diet Coke, beer, and cigarettes. I’d never seen her ingest anything else. So I easily assumed she was completely devoid of fear, seeing as she not only laughed in death’s face every damn day, but kicked him in the no-nos and gave him the finger. I waited and watched. She walked into the room, and I shit you not, without missing a beat silently walks directly into her room and grabs her camera. HER CAMERA. i can't gif We all spent the remainder of the night, together, in the living room. My plan was to get drunk enough to pass out (black out, whatevs) through my terror. However, in order to render myself blindly intoxicated and exhausted, I had to stay up most of the night playing on the computer. Bonus, I actually stumbled upon some really funny web sites! For instance, some fantastically brilliant person found some old Weight Watcher’s recipe cards circa 1974 and talked MAD SHIT on all of them. I mean, talking mad shit on anything is my favorite, so I was thrilled. Side note: I rechecked that website while sober and still giggled like a little gay goat, so, yeah, it's the tits. Anyway, the key is to click on all the highlighted words in the slide show, and when you're done, check out the "Extras" link. Take a look at "The Pate". People from all around the interwebs wrote in to say what they thought the liver pate looked like, and one of the words used was "bukkake" (boo-cock-ie). *Being from Kansas and not a whore’s whore, I had to look that up* According to the Urban Dictionary, that is the act of repeated ejaculation on one designated spot. If that's not a visual of what this liver pate looks like, I don't know what is. [caption id="attachment_230" align="aligncenter" width="300"]Brit Brit will pass on the pate Brit Brit will pass on the pate[/caption] I mean, is that not the most vile thing you have ever heard? It sure as shit blew my little Midwest mind. One of the recipes called "Frankfurter Spectacular" was simply a row of hot dogs in green jello. I was laughing out loud every picture, and not because I was under the influence of as many mind-numbing substances I could find. This shit was pure comedy. [caption id="attachment_231" align="aligncenter" width="225"]Please also enjoy this complimentary Pineapple and Dong Colada Please also enjoy this complimentary Pineapple and Dong Colada[/caption]   Ohhh guess what, I'm taking my first surfing lesson tomorrow. That would be exciting except for, you know, the sharks and the recent threat of tiny jelly fish that can enter your blood stream and fuck up your nervous system. There have been pictures of some poor bastard with his arms tightened up like a T-Rex all over the news. Tacky. So let’s raise a glass to this fair country, shall we? Thank you, Australia, for taking the fun out of everything exciting to do here, by spicing up such activities with the very REAL possibility of death and/or disfiguration. Thank you for the vast, vertically challenged, metro male population that make it utterly impossible to guess their sexual orientation. Seriously, you checking out me or the dude with more highlights than me? Thank you for embracing every fashion mistake made in the 80's - 00's, and marketing it to the public as "cool". Trucker hats? Still? Fuck this. Thank you for the shittiest television ever exposed to man-kind. Seriously, this is serious. Like, so bad.  Thank you for making it a endless treasure hunt to find ketchup...that tastes like ketchup. Get this not-even-red sugar paste away from me savage. Thank you for the fist-sized spiders that will now render me an insomniac until I return home. [caption id="attachment_327" align="aligncenter" width="300"]In case you forgot. In case you forgot.[/caption] Thank you for changing my attitude about koala bears, whom I once believed were sweet, adorable lil fur balls, but learned are actually a bunch of slutty sluts - each carrying their very own case of chlamydia. Da fuck, koala bears? You down with bukkake too?? Thank you for letting the second most terrifying creature, the kangaroo, procreate so much they outnumber humans on the continent 3-1. I mean…why? Just, why? And thank you, you Vegemite eating freaks, for making the alcohol so expensive, that I will have to starve in order to purchase the power to dilute this reality known as living abroad. Pray for me guys, for I am sure to return to you a bit more cynical and with an alcohol tolerance of a fifth grader.

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