Imagine Fighting Over This Things' Wishbone on Thanksgiving.

Sinornithosaurus, a dinosaur about the size of a turkey and which probably had feathers, have recently discovered to also have had teeth similar to today’s rear-fanged snakes and a pouch next to said fangs which may have housed venom, National Geographic reported yesterday. The dinosaur was a relative of the far-more famous (and talented) Velociraptor, which was brought into public consciousness by the Jurassic Park movies. Rear-fanged snakes, and presumably the Sinornithosaurus, do/did not inject venom – their fangs create wounds which then slides down the tooth and incapacitates the victim, the equivalent of trying to add poison to a blade while actively stabbing your victim; it becomes somewhat apparent why this thing went extinct.  

Also up for extinction is the human race. A University of Utah study found that people who text while driving are 6X more likely to get into an accident than people who merely talk on their phones. I’ve seen the faces and driving abilities of people who talk while driving – these are not cautious folks and I rue the day I got anywhere near them on the road; one study indicates they drive worse than drunk drivers. The University of Utah study found, using a driving simulator to test forty 21-year-olds, that their reaction time was greatly diminished while texting, which caused them to sustain collisions that in the real world could have caused death.    

What we need in this day and age is a good old-fashioned myth, some folklore like the Germans created for their rambunctious little bundles of disobedience, to stop them from behavior which might get them killed. How’s this to start? “Kids, don’t text and drive or else the Sinornithosaurus will hunt you down and bite you, letting its venom slide into your bloodstream thereby paralyzing you. Thereafter it will compel Samuel L. Jackson to barge into the room yelling, ‘I am sick of these mutherfuckin’ dino-bird-snake-things in this mutherfuckin’ car!’”

“No More Snakes On Our Planes”

St. Louis – At the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate at Washington University

October 2, 2008

Taken by Eric Seelig

(flickr/esseelig/all rights reserved)

Do flailing references to the PATRIOTIC pop political trends FREEING the Land of the Brave from TYRANNY drive web browsing, thus demonstrating the transmogrifying LIGHT of the FREE-MARKET?! We’ll know by 2010!!!

VERDICT:
6/10 Highly Unlikely Situations

One of the deeper, more thought-provoking films of my generation. Truly profound on many a level.

Snakes on a Plane is about…well, it’s exactly what you think it’s about. A guy witnesses a notorious mob boss commit a murder, the said guy gets put on a plane with Samuel L. Jackson as his FBI bodyguard so that he can testify against the mobster, then it turns out that the mobster loaded up the whole effing cargo section of the plane with venomous snakes that are all really pissed off as a bizarro way to kill off the witness without having someone just shoot him.

I could probably just tell you to click this link and leave it at that – and considering I just clicked that link five times in the last minute and I’m still laughing my ass off, I’m pretty tempted to do so – but what the hell, I’ll just go ahead and keep this one short and sweet.

There’s probably two reactions you had when you first heard the title of this movie: “Worst. Idea. Ever.” or “FUCK. YES.” I’m pretty sure this review would be going differently if I was in the former mindset, but come on, how could you not be at least a little interested with a title like that?

Yeah, it’s pretty stupid, but any movie whose overall function is to see how many ways people can die via snakes on crack, explore the many wonderful places people can get bitten (e.g.: penis and breast get addressed quite promptly, in case you’re wondering), and gives Samuel L. Jackson free reign to swear and yell his brains out like no other, that’s the kind of movie I’m going to see. The acting is whatever, the story is pretty much non-existent, but who cares, bring out the next batch of boobie-biting snakes!

One question though, how the hell did they smuggle the world’s largest anaconda onto that plane without anyone noticing? Ugh, never mind, stupid question for a movie like this.

Snakes on a Plane is a B-movie through and through, it’s not trying to be the next Die Hard, and you’re getting exactly what you pay for with this one. While it’s not necessarily a good movie, it’s still a good slice of ridiculous fun and who can resist Sam Jackson tazing snakes and dropping F-bombs for an hour and forty minutes? I sure can’t.

That Sam Jackson. What a badass.

Les Voyeurs #88 – Des Voyeurs dans l’avion

Diffusion le : jeudi 19 novembre 2009 à 18h sur Radio Grille Ouverte
vendredi 20 novembre 2009 à 18h sur Radio 16.
Rediffusion le samedi 21 novembre 2009 à 10h sur RGO.
En téléchargement pendant une semaine ici.
Et en écoute permanente là.

Actualité

Capitlism – A Love Story : Sortie au cinéma le 25 novembre 2009 du nouveau film de Michael Moore.
Spiderman 4 : Confirmation de la présence au casting de l’acteur Dylan Baker, interprétant le personnage du Dr Connors, devenant dans la BD le super-vilain Le Lézard.
Buffy, la tueuse de vampires : une web-série animée adaptant la 8ème saison des aventures en comics de la tueuse de vampires, va bientôt voir le jour, faisant donc suite à la 7ème saison de la série TV.
Delta Blues : la série créée en 2008 par Joshua Harto et produite par Georges Clooney à enfin trouvé son acteur principal en la personne de Jason Lee (le héros de “Earl”).
Prince of Persia – Les Sables du Temps :  Le prince de Perse doit combattre un Vizir rebelle désireux de s’emparer des Sables du Temps, un artefact conférant à son possesseur le contrôle du Temps. Adaptation cinéma de la célèbre licence de jeux vidéos. Réalisé par Mike Newell. Avec Jake Gyllenhaal. Sortie France 26 mai 2010. BA visible en VF pourrie ou VO HD.
L’actualité des Arcades : A l’origine ; L’Imaginarium du Dr Parnassus, Le Ruban Blanc (en VO), Away We Go, Micmacs à tire larigot, 2012, Twilight chapitre 2 : Tentation, Saw VI.
Les Beaux Gosses : Le beau coffret collector du film est disponible depuis le 12 novembre. Contient le film en édition collector 2DVD mais également le CD de la BO du film et surtout le “manuel pratique du puceau” !! Dépêchez-vous c’est pas cher !
L’actu du Sémaphore de Nîmes : L’Imaginarium du Dr Parnassus (en VO), mais aussi le film qui n’est plus à Alès et c’est dommage Panique au village !. Le Sémaphore organise également jusqu’au 26 janvier 2010 des projections des grands classiques du cinéma italien dont Affreux, sales et méchants, Les Monstres, Le Fanfaron, Hier aujourd’hui demain, L’Étranger. Plus de détails sur la programmation sur le site du cinéma ici => Sémaphore.

Dossier de la semaine : Des Voyeurs dans l’avion

La saga des “Airport”

Airport (1970) de Georges Seaton
Airport 75 (747 en péril – 1975) de Jack Smight
Airport 77 (Les Naufragés du 747 – 1977) de Jerry Jameson
Concorde : Airport 79 (Airport 80 Concorde – 1980) de David Lowell Rich

Les vols de l’extrême

L’Étoffe des Héros (The Right Stuff – 1983) de Phillip Kaufman
Des serpents dans l’avion (Snakes on a plane – 2006) de David R. Ellis
Des Zombies dans l’avion (Flight of the Living Dead : Outbreak on a plane – 2007) de Scott Thomas
Les Ailes de L’Enfer (Con-Air – 1997) de Simon West
Flight Plan (2004) de Robert Schwentke
Air Force One (1997) de Wolfgang Pertersen
Independence Day (1996) de Roland Emmerich
Die Hard 4 – retour en enfer (Die Hard 4.0 – 2007) de Len Wiseman

Les avions “cartoons” : les Z.A.Z. aux commandes

Les avions du futur

Furtif (Stealth – 2005) de Rob Cohen
D.A.R.Y.L. (1985) de Simon Wincer
Firefox, l’arme absolue (1982) de et avec Clint Eastwood

Coups de Cœur

Les Chevaliers du Ciel (2005) de Gérard Pirès
Aviator (2004) de Martin Scorsese

La bande originale de la semaine :

Papa Loves Manbo par Perry Como
Extrait de la bande originale du film Ocean’s Eleven (2001) de Steven Soderbergh

Chronique : La Carte Postale Sétoise

L’Enfer d’Henry-Georges Clouzot de Serge Bromberg et Ruxendra Medrea

Musique :
Who’s Driving Your Plane ? par The Rolling Stones

Extraits :
Airport 75 (747 en péril)
Des Serpents dans l’Avion
Firefox, l’arme absolue

Présentation : Cédric Cance, Erik Antolin, Jérôme Bauzon
Chronique : l’irremplaçable Jan Jouvert !
Technique : Jérémie Adrian

Some movies are born great. Some movies achieve greatness over time. And some movies are such trainwrecks of unintentional comedy, flimsy set design, and terrible CGI that you become mesmerized by your television – lost in a cavalcade of overacting, porn stars trying to go mainstream, the word ‘fuck’ being used in all its grammatical applications, and non sequitors starring Steven Seagal – and awaken two hours later feeling oddly entertained enough that you mistakenly watch the film AGAIN whenever it’s on.

The following list is a tribute to those films that are so bad they’re good. Each of these cinematic tragedies are reminders that Hollywood truly is the epicenter of all drug induced ideas. To make the list, the film must’ve been mainstream, because let’s face it, there’s a lot of trash out there that doesn’t see worldwide releases. These are the best of the best…films that somehow made it past their studios Quality Control division and onto the silver screen in your neighborhood, only to be critically flame-broiled and yet somehow beloved…classics?

This list is brought you by ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and Sand – It’s everywhere, get used to it:

10. Batman and Robin (1997)

Joel Schumacher should be congratulated. He managed to make Batman more homoerotic than dear Dr. Fredric Wertham: The nippled Batsuit received an upgrade featuring  pre-wedgied, assless-chaps-looking armor. Combine this with Uma Thurman’s idea of acting (remember, she’d just made ‘The Avengers’ that same year, another honorary member of this list) and a ‘Batman on Ice’ segment and you’ve got a lethal cocktail of suckage. Never fear, folks! The Governator is here to turn this movie into campy one-liner glory! Just when you’re reaching for that remote to save your eyes from over-exposure to inexplicable amounts of fuchsia lights, Arnold swoops in – sporting enough chrome to make Jay-Z’s Cadillac jealous – to drop another gleefully awful ice-themed punchline.

Also, why does the freeze gun have a lock and load noise?

9. Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Hollywood Steps to Guaranteed Film Success: 1) Hire Samuel L. Jackson. 2) Give Samuel L. Jackson a gun. 3) Let Samuel L. Jackson add to his collection of priceless film quotes by yelling about things more incoherently than the Ultimate Warrior:

8. Lake Placid (1999)

A completely forgettable film having something to do with a rather large Croco-Gator hiding in some idealistic lake, ‘Lake Placid’ is saved from movie hell by Betty White. Yes, the ‘kooky’ Golden Girl is your savior by doing what she does best: play the innocent old lady who’s actually Nucking Futs (“patent pending) crazy. In this instance, Ms. White can be seen feeding cows to our Gator hero while whimsically discussing the weather with the sheriff.

7. Flash Gordon (1980)

IMDb’s Plot Summary: “A football player and his friends travel to the planet Mongo and find themselves fighting the tyrant, Ming the Merciless, to save Earth.” What could POSSIBLY make this film any better? Well, George Lucas wanted to direct this film, but sadly missed the opportunity and had to instead make some silly films featuring singing teddy bears, walking carpets, and trashcans on wheels. Dennis Hopper, YOUR OVERACTING VILLIAN OF THE CENTURY, sadly turned down the chance to play Dr. Zarkov…but all is well, because 80’s rock sensation QUEEN did the soundtrack!

6. Waterworld (1995)

SPEAKING of Dennis Hopper, I present to you Kevin Costner’s global warming disaster flick (as opposed to his equally bad nuclear holocaust film). At it’s time, this was the most expensive film ever made. I can definitely see where all the money went to, such as welding all that expensive trash can metal onto black matte painted jet skis. This movie is THREE HOURS LONG, and yet you can’t turn away from it. Why? Because Kevin Costner drinks his own piss three minutes in, and it’s all downhill from there:

5. Judge Dredd (1995)

No words need to describe this film aside from I AM THE LAW:

4. Street Fighter (1994)

A movie about a game…BAD…?!?!?! Is this even possible?! What about all those great Uwe Bowe films like ‘House of the Dead’, ‘Bloodrayne’, and ‘In the Name of the King’? And who can forget the Super Mario Brothers…It’s true: Video game based films are notoriously well known for being absolutely eye-gouging, jaw-droppingly bad, and ‘Street Fighter’ is no different. The tragedy that is the film is only further enhanced by the realization that it is Raul Julia’s – the lovable Mr. Addams – final film before he passed away. Though Julia does his best to save this movie, the true hero of our film is Jean Claude Van Damm and his string of flexing monologues scattered throughout.

3. Mannequin (1987)

It’s a movie starring Kim Cattrall as a mannequin that comes to life for the lonely artist that lovingly built her who falls in love with her and saves a department store owned by Estelle Getty by designing hip window displays with his flamboyantly gay best friend. Not crazy enough for you yet? Did I mention that Cattrall is actually an Egyptian princess? Let’s kick it up a notch!

2.Howard the Duck (1986)

God Bless George Lucas for this one. He had HUNDREDS of comic book characters to select from – any of which Marvel, DC, et al would’ve gladly allowed the god of all things Science Fiction to direct – and he chose to slam a bunch of midgets into a oversized rubber duck costume and attempt to save the world. If there was EVER a film that needed a rerelease with enhanced special effects, it’s this one. Please, George, stop destroying the land of the Jedi and bring back this Duck in full CG glory!

1. Starship Troopers (1997)

This is, hands down, the greatest bad movie of all time. Casper Van Dien’s chin deserved an Oscar for carrying Casper Van Dien’s dead weight through this 90 minute romp. Michael Ironside plays Michael Ironside with a gun. Gary Busey’s son is only mildly aggrevating, and hey, any film with NPH automatically is a classic. I have one question for you citizen: Are you doing your part?

On the eve of All Hallow’s Eve it is time once again for your GonzoGeek to take you LinkFrogging around the internet.

I had a pretty good idea when I suggested this to the guys that it might drive some traffic our way.  Turns out I was right.  Between the bunch of us we have some pretty eclectic tastes and the links reflect that.

Then again, it might just be the cheesecake.

Speaking of, say hello to Salma Hayek.  Well, more specifically say hello to Salma Hayek as Satanico Pandemonium in From Dusk ‘Til Dawn.  When Stephe and I decided to go Halloween with this week’s cheesecake we thought of some obvious choices like Elvira or Jamie Lee Curtis.  Kate Beckinsale was mentioned, but she’s already been served up.  Then we got on to vampires and Salma became our go to girl this week.

Now, on to the links.

1. The Numa Numa Kid conducts the Michigan State band.
2. Paul Haggis leaves, and eviscerates, Scientology.
3. Type in a phrase and this website will find the words in a huge database of songs and play it for you.
4. Jessica Alba is staring at you.
5. In memory of Chuck Biscuits.  Dead at 44.
6. Bottoms up!
7. Spooky new animal species discovered this year.
8. Chupacabra caught on tape in Houston suburb.
9. Giant sea monster skull found England.
10. Phillie Nation harnesses the power of the Taco Bell Blackjack Taco.
11. Who does Bat-Man dress up as for Halloween?
12. And speaking of pictures of superheroes…
13. Candy nobody wants.
14. RIP Geocities.  We flame our text in your honor.
15. Speaking of viking funerals.  Look who’s playing Odin in the Thor movie.
16. Some film franchises are too profitable to die, no matter how they may suck.
17. Well, Chuck me!  Take 1.
18. Well, Chuck me!  Take 2.
19. You should REALLY be watching Modern Family.
20. What happens to your Facebook when you die?
21. Jimmy Kimmel schools Melissa Joan Hart.
22. Hardest.  Pop Warner.  Hit.  Ever.
23. When bad monsters go good.
24. Enough is enough!  I’ve had it with these m*th*rf*ck*ng snakes on this m*th*rf*ck**ng plane!
25. David’s Iraq blog.
26. That was then.  This is now.
27. And finally, please welcome, the mistress of the macabre, the epitome of evil, the most sinister movie to crawl on the face of the Earth…Satanico Pandemonium!

Species Name:  Gratuitous ADDcrappymoviemakerus

Why is it that every time this no talent ass clown farts out a movie, it makes a gazillion dollars?  Look, I love going to the cineplex for a good, mindless, action movie with lots of stuff blowing up as much as the next guy.  In fact, one of my favorite movie theater experiences of all time was going to see Snakes on a Plane, so you can rest easy knowing I am no movie elitist.  That being said, Michael Bay’s movies are so bad, that even the low budget knock offs of his movies are better than the ones he directs (with the exception of his one non-shit movie, The Rock, which is pretty fucking badass). Actually, come to think of it, it’s one of Nicolas Cage’s only non-shit movies as well…and now I have another person to thin from the herd.  Tough job but someone has to do it.  I digress.

Michael Bay is on the top of my shit list at the moment because his crapfest, Transformers 2, just got released on DVD.  Now we can all relive this two and a half hours of life that we will never get back. I’ll be honest, I hated the first Transformers.  Terrible acting, even worse directing, and during the battle scenes, I couldn’t tell if the Autobots and Decepitcons were fighting or raping one another.  Too much metal on metal loving for me.  So fine, that movie sucked, and I accepted that there would be an equally crappy sequel to follow because that’s the way Hollywood works:  “You keep making us a lot of money, and we’ll keep making your movies” (i.e. Saw).  But fuck me, I don’t think anyone saw the absolute celluloid shit stain that is Tranformers 2 coming.  For the crimes against quality film making, Michael Bay, you are sentenced to be thinned from the herd.

In a world where Michael Bay didn’t exist to substitute explosions for a lack of story in movies:

• Filmmakers given the astronomical budget of a Michael Bay movie, would actually be able to churn out a decent film, instead of wasting all that money on gratuitous explosions:

• The men who died at Pearl Harbor would never have had to turn over in their graves when Bay’s disgraceful depiction of the attack was made.
Sadly, Team America: World Police would never have been made, having no Michael Bay to make fun of.

Megan Fox would’ve stayed an unknown, struggling actress and eventually turned to porn which, come on, is where we all want to see her end up anyway…
• We’d be spared  terrible remakes of fantastic horror films (i.e. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street)
Slow motion would be used sparingly in films and only when proven to be effective instead of at every, and I mean every, single moment in a Michael Bay movie.

• Music video directors would hopefully realize that some people are destined to only direct music videos, like Bay should’ve done, and Brett Ratner.
• Directors will realize that montages aren’t always awesome, and sometimes, they are downright lazy:

• Never again will a man so obsessed with helicopter shots at sunset exist:

• We would never have been graced with this scene of cinematic brilliance:

I’m a big believer in the idea that some movies are “so bad they’re good,” like the aforementioned Snakes on a Plane and John Rambo.  However, Michael Bay’s catalog of work most certainly falls into the category of being “so bad, they make you want to skin yourself alive and jump into a pool of hydrogen peroxide.”  If Michael Bay had only chosen to become a pizza delivery boy instead of a craptastic filmmaker, I probably wouldn’t hate him as much, and wish death upon him.  Instead, we have Transformers 3 to look forward to…where’s that pool of peroxide?

But one has to have dreams right?

Because I have to…

Yes, it happened again. Once more has the film industry been hit by yet another parody and what appears to be a bad one at that. This Stone Village Pictures and Essential Environment production, directed by Bo Zenga (Scary Movie), comes a film that takes honoured and respected horror film monsters and subsequently ruins the entirety of their credibility. Is anyone else curious why Mr. Zenga was dropped for the Scary Movie sequels?

The fate of this somewhat ludicrously disastrous film is already set in stone, much like it’s unpopular cousins; ‘Epic, Disaster, Date and Superhero Movie‘ and most recently ‘Meet The Spartans’ (almost tripling it’s budget, but in that respect, Date movie quadrupled its budget). Of course, these films are meant to be bad, otherwise they wouldn’t be parodies, would they?

The plot revolves around a video-store employee (Steve Howey) who, unfortunately for him, is hunted by 6 famed movie monsters (Freddy, Jason, Chucky, Pinhead, Michael Myers, Leatherface) on Halloween. It can be expected that the content of this film, in reference to gags, will most presumably be lackluster at best. So if you really want to spend your well earned money on seeing this, you must either be a fan of parodies, or you have never seen any of the 6 classic horror films in which the monsters play a part (collectively grossing over $1billion worldwide). The only possible good thing about this film is the re-emergence of ‘Kenan and Kel’ star Kenan Thompson, who hasn’t been seen since ‘Snakes On A Plane‘, but he often made me laugh, so it’s all good.

Fat guys and old men took over newsboy hats once newsboys had to start wearing helmets while delivering the morning paper. 

Maybe it's okay if you rid a plane of snakes

That was in 1974 and now that we’re almost in the future many people have newsboy hats in the wardrobe – some people have a few. And why not? They are easy to maintain, are great for going out on Friday night or leisurely walking your dog while trying not to look creepy at the park on a Sunday afternoon.

However there are a few unspoken rules to the newboy hat.

Rule One: Many styles allow the bill to unbutton from the front material, causing it will poof upward which is okay as long as you are comfortable telling child after child that – no – you are not a train conductor.

Rule Two: And this is the important rule  – never wear it backwards. It gives a look that is unnaturally aerodynamic for cloth and bill. Please don’t do it.

I went to college with a great Canadian guy named Rob who wore a newsboy hat with a  Canadian leaf  embroidered in the center of the back part of the hat. If he wore the hat it was on backwards and that leaf would stare out at people like a third eye about to shoot a laser beam of hockey rage and maple syrup. Everyone loved Rob, “He’s such a nice guy.” But the hat was talked about in whispers like it was a rash on the back of his neck, “Does he know….?”

I ran into Rob at a wedding a couple years ago and when the conversation reached a pause I asked if he still wore his Canadian Kangol.  A longer pause followed and he said, “Yeah, sometimes. Why?”

“Do you still wear it backwards?” I asked while my wife who went to college with us decidedly walked away from the conversation. 

“Yeah why?” He asked again.

“Just wondering.”

 Last I heard, Rob was deported.

Todd’s thoughts on the world of social media got me thinking. I’ve been slow to comprehend the whole Facebook and Twitter and social media thing, probably because I’ve never understood why more than a million people want to know what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast. But apparently they do and that’s led me to believe that it’s a good thing we have people who understand how social media can be an effective part of a go-to-market strategy. Certainly the giant Internet/social media campaign launched for the Snakes On A Plane movie a few years back helped it succeed. It was a horrible film, but there’d been so much Internet buzz about it (even to the point that there was national news coverage about its Internet buzz) that it made a ton of money its first weekend before dying the grisly death it deserved. Without that pre-release social media buzz, it’s a bomb. And, to show the other side, it died quickly because the same people who were excited about it and rushed to see it then blogged and posted about how awful it was. It’s sort of a case study on how social media can work for and also against you if you don’t deliver on a promise.

I guess it’s just another aspect of marketing — and an essential one as people shift how they get their information — that still supports what I’ve always believed: advertising/marketing can only get someone to try a product or service once. After that, people will only use it if they liked it, and then it’s up to advertising to remind them about the positive experience so that they keep buying. But if the product or service isn’t any good or just doesn’t meet expectations, advertising can’t overcome that. And that’s the same with social media services. If you’re going to do a blog, make sure it’s one that people want to read over and over again (like this one, obviously). Otherwise it’s just a bad product that people won’t try again. Only instead of walking past your product in the store, they can instantly make a nasty comment for all to see.

feeling quite lethargic lately.

anyway cannot wait until thursday so i can see all the pretty animals at the zoo.
saturday i have a party to go to, a friends. on a farm, with a bonfire and hopefully drinks.
then i have a break for two weeks. well not really a break more like study leave.

and then NOVEMBER…which is going to be a nightmare..a whole month of examinations.

i need a holiday.

OHH-MY-GAWD..Snakes On A Plane is going to screen on television.

POPCORN.

When you travel as much as I do common things, that almost all should be taught at home, are glaring when they come up in close quarters! I was on a flight to Las Vegas yesterday and I have to say there were some really good things and then there were the not so good things that just keep it from being a good ride!

To USAir’s credit- they rolled out a brand new plane on us. SUPRISE! If this is the direction they are going then I will fly USAir a lot more often! First class was full so I could not upgrade  but I was ok with that once I got to my leather seat in coach that had leg room!!!  I am almost 6 feet tall and more leg then upper body so that is huge for me. I was on the window of a 3 seat side and there was someone in the center and aisle- and it didn’t see cramped. We could even get past the girl on the end without her having to get up!

The new model of plane they are going for even had a larger bathroom! Over all I give them a thumbs up for the stewards being pretty perky and the new plane being actually comfortable. One steward who in telling us the plane was brand new mentioned that they got it with Obama’s cash for clunkers plan! So funny! The whole plane was saying thank you Obama! Good light hearted moment. How was I supposed to know that these partners in fun would soon become my worst nightmare!

Ok that was the good part.

The flip side – is the people you travel with and their supreme lack of home training!! HOME TRAINING!!!

Some of my pet peeves, that I cannot seem to shake try though I may:

• People who get up to go to the bathroom and grab hold of the seat in front of them to launch their asses out of their seats! Making no never mind that you could be sleeping or that they get a nice fist full of your hair! And then they have the nerve to wonder why you snap your head around and give them the hairy eyeball. What did I do??? UGH! The stupid deer in the headlights look they give is almost as stinging as having your hair pulled.
• The parents who cannot seem to understand that little Johnny kicking endlessly the chair in front of him could possibly bother the person in that chair? Huh, what you don’t think my kid is endlessly cute? Or they are so sick and tired of Johnny they are glad his attention is elsewhere and hope you don’t say anything so they don’t have to pay attention to their child! The look of disgust that comes across the parents face when you turnaround, after hour 2, and tell little Johnny that if he kicks your chair one more time he will arrive in Las Vegas before this plane!  Ok I said it with a smile but they didn’t think it was funny – but they stopped little pain in my ass from kicking me in the ass I know that!



• The person who goes into a hacking cough using his hand to cover it then said person gets up and walks toward the bathroom holding on to everyone’s chair as he goes just spreading his germs – thanks guy now we can all cough up a lung! H1N1 anyone…
• The people who are traveling together, but not seated together, and cannot bear to be apart! So they wander up and down the aisle to share what is in their whole foods bag so mama does not starve or to give little Johnny that one thing he cannot live without (that he promptly throws on the floor).  The endless conversations had over other people who are trying to sleep in every language under the sun! OY! I dunno – how about you make a bag for each person because you can look on your tickets and see you are not seated together. And while you are at it stay in your damn seat – give someone a chance to miss you! Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
• The guy who just cannot sit down…has to stand and use the overhead compartment as a lean on device – we love the endless views of your pit hair guy! Really, give me more!
• Those who, instead of showing off their clean smell from having showered, think it is better to be stewing in their last nights juices – translation- they stink! Either it is the unwashed or the over perfumed – please make a note you will be in close quarters with others-just be clean. No one needs all the rest!
• Kudos to those older folks who do not try to deplane with everyone as they know they need extra time and would hold up the entire plane-big thumbs down to those who do need extra time but don’t care and get out in the aisle anyway. Took up almost 15 mins to deplane after the door opened-WTF!
• One of the biggest annoyances is that the airlines have begun charging for each bag-no matter what. Price has even gone up from 15 to 20 bucks since the last time I flew a few weeks ago! Then they nickle and dime you on the plane for everything! So why not just do what you used to do – put that in the ticket price and stop being so damn annoying! Everyone is trying to be so damn competitive – they want to be able to advertise the lowest ticket price-but the reality is, in the end, you are paying about what the prices used to be! So airlines get the hell off it and just square up from jump! Put all the stuff back in and price it accordingly! That way we don’t have to have endless selling over the intercom by the flight attendants! ANNOYING! And give us the whole can of soda or full bottle of water! Then you might not have to have 2 or 3 damn beverages services that you have to announce on the intercom as well – waking others up AGAIN!
• People who go to sleep with their window shades up. Ok Nimrod you are trying to sleep – and so am I! Your bright ass window shade is open mine is not. The fact that you are trying to sleep should, I dunno, make you close yours so it does not glare at me across the aisle! You’re an IDIOT!

I have to stop as I need to focus on more beautiful things but if all those out there can read this and adjust your behavior as needed- that would be smashing!

Aliens in the Ghetto.

Nicht New York, Washington oder eine andere US-Metropole haben sie sich ausgesucht. Nein, die Außerirdischen sind entgegen aller Blockbuster-Logik ausgerechnet über Johannesburg gestrandet. Was zunächst ausgesehen haben muss wie eine Invasion (denn so kennt man es ja schließlich aus dem Kino), erweist sich tatsächlich als banaler technischer Defekt. Orientierungslos und geschwächt findet eine militärische Abordnung die wenig attraktiven Besucher aus dem Weltall in ihrem fluguntauglichen Spacemobil vor. Kein Angriffsplan, keine Waffen, keine Kriegserklärung. Was also tun? Die südafrikanische Regierung setzt auf eine bewährte Karte: Ghettobildung. Flugs schafft man die ungebetenen Gäste in ein unbewohntes Township und riegelt sie vom Rest der Bevölkerung ab. So weit, so gut, so problematisch. Zwei Jahrzehnte später nämlich hat sich die Lage nicht verbessert. Bei den Aliens ist der Alltag von Armut und Beschaffungskriminalität bestimmt. Fragt man die Menschen auf der Straße, so wollen sie die Flüchtlinge am liebsten los werden. Und genau das liegt nun in privater Hand. Die MNU – ein multinationaler Waffenkonzern – leitet die Umsiedlung der Extraterrestrials ein. Hauptsache raus aus der Stadt, lautet das Ziel. Mit jeder Menge Formularen, bürokratischer Attitüde und schußsicheren Argumentationshilfen zieht man los. Doch ein unerwarteter Zwischenfall verschiebt den Fokus rasch, und aus der Alienlandverschickung wird eine gnadenlose Jagd.

Es gibt überhaupt keinen Grund, hier länger nach Alternativen zu grübeln, denn dies ist mit Abstand die originellste Geschichte, die es 2009 bisher ins Kino schaffte. Und das Beste daran: Der Film selber ist es auch. Begeistert stürmten genügend US-Zuschauer in die Kinos, um dafür zu sorgen, dass sich die Produktionskosten bereits am Startwochenende amortisierten. Bei einem Budget von 30 Millionen Dollar, das für Hollywood-Verhältnisse geradezu lächerlich gering anmutet, mag das zwar etwas leichter machbar sein als in anderen Fällen, bedenkt man aber, dass „District 9“ völlig ohne große Namen auskommt und lediglich mit Produzent Peter Jackson hausieren gehen konnte, ist das mehr als beachtlich. Eine exzellente Mund-zu-Mund-Propaganda hielt den Film auch in den Folgewochen konstant aufrecht und wird ihn bei der DVD-Auswertung mit ziemlicher Sicherheit gänzlich durch die Decke gehen lassen. Selten genug, dass man allen Beteiligten ihren Erfolg derart reinen Gewissens gönnen kann.

Mit einer beneidenswert cleveren viralen Kampagne war im Vorhinein für genügend Aufmerksamkeit gesorgt worden, um das Zielpublikum in sichere Zuschauer zu verwandeln. Doch im Gegensatz zu früheren Fällen, bei denen die Online-Communities im Vorfeld ordentlich aufgeheizt worden waren, hatte der Film selber keinerlei Schwierigkeiten, die geweckten Erwartungen auch vollends zu erfüllen. „Cloverfield“ etwa konnte dank des großen Vorab-Hypes zwar gute Zahlen einpielen, hinterließ zugleich aber auch einen fahlen Nachgeschmack. Zu dünn war die letztlich x-fach erzählte Geschichte, und der formale Trick, alle Ereignisse ungeschnitten und in Echtzeit von einem der Protagonisten mit dem Camcorder aufzeichnen zu lassen, zeigte schnell Abnutzungserscheinungen und grenzte die Möglichkeiten der Erzählung stellenweise arg ein. „Snakes on a Plane“ hingegen erzielte im Rahmen der Kampagne zwar ungeheure Aufmerksamkeit, erwies sich aber am Ende als derart belanglose Angelegenheit, dass kaum einer bereit war, sein hart verdientes Geld auch an die Kinokasse zu tragen.

Anders hier. Klug nutzte man Grundkonstelltation wie ästhetisches Konzept des Films und machte beides zum Teil der Kampagne. Über das erste Drittel hinweg erweist sich „District 9“ nämlich als perfekt orchestrierte Collage aus Dokumentation und Unternehmensreportage. Fragmente aus (realen) Straßeninterviews, (realen) Fernsehnachrichten und (fiktiven) Videoaufzeichnungen setzen die Geschichte solange zusammen, bis sie sich von ihrer Formvielfalt löst und in die klassische Narration übergeht. Im Web sorgte das bereitgestellte Material für den durchschaubaren, aber trotzdem wirksamen Effekt einer vorgegaukelten Nachrichtenlage. User konnten ihre eigenen Statements zur Alien-Plage abgeben und taten dies auch ebenso fleissig wie einfallsreich. Der Witz dabei: Wenn sich im Film Passanten zu den Gästen aus dem All äußern (und das durchweg negativ), dann ist das in den meisten Fällen keineswegs gespielt. Filmemacher Neill Blomkamp und sein Team nämlich hatten die Menschen nach ihrer Haltung zu Flüchtlingen aus Zimbabwe befragt. Die Reaktionen waren eindeutig.

Das Prinzip entstammte einem rund 6-minütigen Kurzfilm von 2005. „Alive in Joburg“ ist für „District 9“ rückblickend eine Art Miniatur-Pilot. Blomkamp hatte dort bereits die Grundkonstellation vollständig ausgearbeitet und in die Form eines satirischen Blicks auf die Flüchtlingspolitik seines Heimatlandes gegossen. Eine Verlegung der Handlung in das Jahr 1990, als Apartheid noch zum Alltag gehörte, bot zudem Raum für eine offensichtliche Metapher.

2009 sieht die Lage nicht unbedingt rosiger aus. Die Schwarzen im Alien-Ghetto sind in Banden organisiert und handeln mit allerlei Hehlerware – Waffen und Lebensmittel an erster Stelle. Die Not der außerirdischen Flüchtlinge ist eine sichere Einnahmequelle, und da sie vor allem Katzenfutter zu sich nehmen (demzufolge also nicht vom Planeten Melmac stammen, wo man bekanntlich lieber die Tiere selber verspeist), fällt die Beschaffungslage auch nicht sonderlich schwierig aus. Moralisch fragwürdig ist aber auch sonst praktisch jeder in diesem alternativen Johannesburg. Die MNU hat wenig Interesse an den Aliens selber, weiß allerdings, dass deren Waffen exzellente Handelsware und noch besseres Kriegsmaterial abgäben – würde man sie nur aktivieren können. Der Leiter ihrer Umsiedlungsmaßnahme, Wikus van der Merwe (ein Gesicht, das man sich merken muss: Sharlto Copley), sieht in seinem Auftrag eine große Karrierechance und ist deshalb nicht gerade zimperlich mit den Deportationsopfern. Und die Bürger in den Straßen – nun ja, wie gesagt: Zimbabwe („Prawns“ nennen sie die Flüchtlinge from Outer Space abwertend, und denken dabei möglicherweise nicht von Ungefähr an den diplomlosen Mediziner Dr. John Zoidberg aus „Futurama“).

Die Konstellationen sind also alles andere als eindimensional, und Blomkamp nutzt sie speziell im ersten Drittel für eine treffsichere Satire auf die Mechanismen bürokratisch ausgefochtenen Rassismus. Dass die Aliens nach zwanzig Jahren dabei nicht nur namenstechnisch eingebürgert wurden, sondern auch den Gesetzen des Landes unterworfen sind und ihrer Umsiedlung deshalb per Unterschrift zustimmen müssen, ist ebenso amüsant wie absurd.

Nach und nach nimmt die Geschichte dann jedoch dramatischere Formen an und nutzt die Genre-Optionen eines Fluchtdramas mit durchaus tragischer Komponente. Mancher hat dem Film diese Entwicklung übel genommen und ein Zugeständnis an kassentaugliche Konventionen unterstellt. Man kann das aber auch ganz anders sehen und Blomkamp dazu gratulieren, dass er den Grundgedanken des Kurzfilms in eine funktionierende Erzählung überführt hat. Die Entwicklung, die „District 9“ ab dem zweiten Drittel nimmt, findet ihre direkte Entsprechung zudem im Schicksal ihrer Hauptfigur. Wie weit das führt, kann nichts deutlicher zeigen als jene traurig-schöne letzte Einstellung vor der Abblende, die den Film so schlüssig zuende bringt, dass man eigentlich lieber auf die zu erwartende Fortsetzung verzichten würde.

Ursprünglich war Blomkamp übrigens für Jacksons geplante Verfilmung der Videospielserie „Halo“ im Gespräch. Das Projekt wurde zwischenzeitlich auf Eis gelegt, doch der ehemalige Clip- und Werbevideo-Regisseur hatte seinen Fuß bereits weit genug in der Tür, um sein Langfilmdebüt trotzdem durchsetzen zu können. Mithilfe von Jacksons WETA-Studios erhielten seine Aliens beeindruckendes Leben und wurden perfekt animiert, ohne jemals aufgesetzt zu wirken. Der dokumentarische Effekt tut für ihre Glaubwürdigkeit ein Übriges. Die Besucher des diesjährigen Fantasy Filmfests belohnten die Mühe und verliehen „District 9“ den Publikumspreis.

Der eigentliche Erfolg liegt jedoch in der Abweichung von gängigen Genre-Mustern. Blomkamp vermeidet alle Klischees bekannter Alien-Filme und lässt doch zugleich das kollektive Wissen um die üblichen Mechanismen für sich arbeiten. Die Außerirdischen sind ebenso friedlich wie (hässlich und) nutzlos. Ihre Technik ist der Zeit weit voraus, aber einsetzen lässt sie sich nicht. Ihre Anpassung an irdische Verhältnisse verläuft ganz automatisch – sie werden kriminell. Und ganz nebenbei: Wer hätte gedacht, dass einmal eine erwachsene Variante von E.T. und Elliott den Weg auf die Leinwand schaffen würde?

Artikel © 2009 Thomas Lenz. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.
Filmplakat / Fotos: Sony Pictures Releasing GmbH

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Find out why here:

http://www.andycarrington.co.uk/snakesonaplane

(Why I actually bothered to sit down and watch this film for one-hundred and five minutes is still beyond me).

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.“

This ain’t no muthafuckin’ Snakes on a muthafuckin’ Plane. What happened to you, Samuel L. Jackson?

The Hidden - Toronto's Graffiti Alley. Spray can extra.

via gigacities.com

who isn’t rooting for lorenzo?