If any of you have read my whole five paragraphs in my about section, you already know that many of my ideas for writing comes from my mind ranting at Giant Eagle. Most of the ideas that I come up with are genuinely bad, but I am able to rework them into pants-shittingly awesome ideas (see: The Adventures of SuperStocker.) Well, a coworker and I randomly got onto the subject of which brand would beat the shit out of its competitors in a fist fight. It slowly evolved from there to this strange, fascinating, and (in my typical fashion) offensive story. Naturally, I view you, nameless computer screen, as my best friend, and I would like to share the story with you.

Now, what you are about to read is part one in a ? part series that will probably make food companies orgasm at the free promotions. I will add another part  to the story over the course of whenever the fuck I feel like it. Oh, and in case you want to keep track, every word that is in bold is a brand name, or a product name. I only bold them on their first use in each part as to not confuse you with thick lines. You could use this as your shopping list, that is, if you need exactly what I write, and want to plagiarize me.

Enjoy bitches, and Enjoy, bitches.

Bob Evans and Jimmy Dean, two respectable, sought after suitors, live in the town of Chiquita. Surprisingly enough, Chiquita is not in a tropical location, but is a Podunk little town in the Midwest. Anyway, One day, Mama Michelina decided to have the two suitors battle it out for her daughters. (Normally, this type of feud over a woman was customary in 16^th century Europe, but apparently it also happens in current day America. Don’t question it; just continue reading.) The winner of the fight between Bob Evans and Jimmy Dean would win Marie Calendar’s fine ass. The loser would have to settle for Marie’s sister, Shubert.

The fight begins at noon in the town square. The entire town of Chiquita shows up, and forms an impenetrable ring around the two men. With their swords drawn (they duel old school), the men start slashing, and gashing, thrashing, and flashing at each other. After several minutes of epic dueling that I don’t feel like describing to you, Bob Evans stood over his opponent, sweat dripping from his brow.

The referee ran over, lifted Bob Evans’ hand up and yelled, “The winna of the hand of Marie Calendar’s fine ass is Bob Evans!”

The crowd roared with overacted applause, and Jimmy Dean slunk back towards a tree and began to cry like a little bitch. Marie Calendar and her sister, Shubert, went over to congratulate Bob Evans when a yell came from behind.

“Marie Calendar is a whore,” the voice said in a saidy fashion, “And we’ve got a tape to prove it. Two new men entered the circle of town’s people. One was an older gentleman with thick classes, a bow tie, and white jerry curls, and the other was a gruff looking man, sporting a brown leather jacket, a red scarf and a 70’s porn stash.

The older man stepped forward, pointed to Marie Calendar and called out, “Hi, I’m Orville Redenbacher, and I layed a massive fudge log on that woman’s bare chest. And it was massive. My shit is twice the size of my competitors.”  “Pop Secret, Pop Secret,” he then coughed into his hands loud enough so that everyone could understand.

(note: I was totally going to make a “Poop Secret” joke here, but I did not want to patronize you with cheap poop jokes. No, I will patronize you with extravagant and complex ones.)

“He’s right,” the cheap Freddy Mercury look alike cried in a thick (and probably inaccurate) German accent, “I am ze Red Baron, and I bring to ze stupid American town of Chiquita a video from ze motherland of Deuchland.” He began to flail a VHS over his head.

“More like Doucheland,” a stupid American from the crowd called out. I would not normally call Americans stupid, except that we totally are, and these people did not know what a VHS was, and this story takes place in like the 90’s, so they totally should.

“Shut your filthy American mouth, you filthy American” the German said stupidly (because every nationality is stupid, not just Americans), “Or I will bring the Hagan Daaz Nazis to take over this town.”

The town’s people gasped in a predictable fashion and began to whisper amongst themselves.

“That’s right,” The red Baron warned, “The Hagan Daaz Nazis will be all over this town like Jiffy Peanut Butter on Schwebel’s bread.”

The gasps became more frantic, and the whispers now consisted of “Food reference” and “the fourth wall is broken”

“Hey,” Orville yelled as he snatched the movie out of the Red Baron’s boorish hands, “I’m Orville Redenbacher, and I want attention put on me again. I shat on that woman, and I shat on her good. I guarantee that I did or else my name is not Orville Redenbacher.” He put the VHS onto the VHS player and hit the play button on the TV that had been sitting in the center of the ring the entire time. What, you didn’t notice? Well, you were obviously not looking hard enough. It was right there. Also, I changed my mind. The town’s people did know what a VHS was.

“This Orville Redenbacher made people appear in the magical talking box. HE’S A WITCH, BURN HIM!!!” one town’s person cried, completely contradicting what I just said (what a douche). I guess it was too much to ask, though. This story is set in the mid 1700s.

Light piano music comes on, and the words Café Steamers (Marie Calendar gets pooed on) fills the screen. The movie then cuts to two men, one being Orville Redenbacher and the other being The Red Baron squatting over a nude Marie Calendar. Redenbacher squeezed out a foot long chocolate hotdog which landed in between the lady’s lady boobs. The tail end of it whipped back and slapped her in the face.

Now that I have burned that mental picture into your head, I shall continue.

The crowd gasped, held back screams and their own vomit, and that creepy Hispanic guy, Snyder Del Monte, began touching himself.

“Turn it off! Turn it off!” Bob Evans screamed, “I have seen more than enough.” “Marie,” He said, turning to her, “I cannot love anyone who was in a German Schiza video with Orville Redenbacher. And I refuse to marry you.”

Jimmy Dean, who apparently stopped sobbing like a little bitch Stepped forward and said, “Marie, I love you for who you are, not what you’ve done, and If you are willing to marry a loser, I would be happy to be that loser.”

“Oh, Jimmy!” Marie cried as she ran through the center of the circle (the TV and VHS player disappeared let’s just say to keep the plot moving). When they met, they met with a passionate kiss. Even though Jimmy Dean was disappointed that he was not going to be the first one to pop Marie’s cherry, he hadn’t gotten laid in a while, and he was up for anything (and I mean anything).

They were married, in the St. Ives Baptist church- the only church left in town that did not refuse to allow the shit whore Marie Calendar inside. One day, the happy couple welcomed a son onto this planet. Sadly, he was mentally retarded, so they named him what every good parent would name their mentally challenged child: Special K.

End of Part One.

The MegaVote for Arkansas’ 2nd Congressional District:

Recent Congressional Votes

* Senate: Dept of Defense Appropriations Act, 2010
* Senate: Cloture Motion; Reid Amdt. to Patient Protection & Affordable Care Act
* House: Dept of Defense Appropriations Act, 2010
* House: Jobs for Main Street Act

Upcoming Congressional Bills

* Senate: The Patient Protection & Affordable Care Act

Recent Senate Votes
Dept of Defense Appropriations Act, 2010 – Vote Agreed to (88-10, 2 Not Voting)

The Senate gave final approval to this bill funding the Dept of Defense through September 2010. The bill now goes to the President.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln voted YES
Sen. Mark Pryor voted YES

Cloture Motion; Reid Amendment to Patient Protection & Affordable Care Act – Vote Agreed to (60-40)

The Senate agreed to this motion to invoke cloture on an amendment making changes to the $871 billion health care bill. The vote allows debate to proceed & prevents a filibuster.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln voted YES
Sen. Mark Pryor voted YES

Recent House Votes
Dept of Defense Appropriations Act, 2010 – Vote Passed (395-34, 5 Not Voting)

The House approved this defense spending bill, sending it to the Senate for final passage.

Rep. Vic Snyder voted YES

Jobs for Main Street Act – Vote Passed (217-212, 6 Not Voting)

The House passed this $154 billion jobs bill which is partially paid for by unspent money from last year’s Troubled Asset Relief Program. The bill now goes to the Senate.

Rep. Vic Snyder voted YES

Upcoming Votes
The Patient Protection & Affordable Care Act – H.R.3590

The Senate is expected to continue working on this health care reform legislation.

**** Hold them accountable!!! They have made no deposit or payment toward the National deficit – there should be no return to their offices next corresponding election. “No Deposit, No Return”!
**** Free fax via your computer directly to these WEAK Arkansas legislators through the Family Council Action Committee. They appear to be going deaf to constituents. It might do well to repeat on a regular cycle, your opinion to them via the fax, phone, email, websites and Congress.org, so the entire world knows they were contacted.

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•Bearings: QUBE Swiss

•Toe Stops: Snyder Medium

Vanilla Diamond Advantage Shaman

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White with silver 4-13

i get a little de-motivated sometimes when i see somebody effortlessly do something that i know is crazy hard – but when i look at kimberly snyder do yoga it’s the exact opposite.  i’ve seen kimberly do yoga a few times, and i know the poses she does are mad hard to do, but she makes them look so tranquil and smooth that it’s really inspiring and motivating.  like, it really makes me want to take time out of my day and do yoga.  most days, i get so busy and caught up in photography that my personal hygiene takes a hit, my fingernails get long and i forget to eat and blah blah… basically what i’m saying is that kimberly makes me want to find time that i don’t have and do something good for my skateboard-battered/horribly nourished body.  and speaking of nourishment, if you want to find out what kind of fuel she burns in her jet-fighter-like body, she shares her knowledge as a certified clinical nutritionalist in a health-and-beauty blog at kimberlysnyder.net.  somethin tells me that my daily dose of those extra dark “le petit ecolier” cookies (is anybody else addicted to these things like i am?) are scarce found on the pages.  but some tasty, less artery clogging options like cyan pepper immunity tea, kimberly’s raw pecan love pie, and banana soft serve with raw fudge sauce are all over that sucker.  plus there’s tips on how to keep your skin, nails, hair and pretty much your whole body healthy.  check it out.

makeup by marshana

Now nobody can say owners don’t have passion for their teams games.  Jerry Jones built and spend the big time bucks for his team to install a new stadium, Daniel Snyder spent $100 million on Albert Haynesworth this past offseason, and Bud Adams has been  a part of the Tennessee organization for a long loyal and enthusiastic tender as owner.

Up until this past weekends game against Buffalo, not too many people could name the owner of the Titans.  However, after Sunday’s game, now millions of sports fans, and others who don’t care much for sports know who Bud Adams is.

Following the game against the Bills, Adams saluted the Bills’ sideline with the all and controversial “Bird” flipping or maybe showing the Bills that the Titans were number one on that day.

Adams managed to display the “Bird” five times in all, in a only a 14 second span.  Not only did Adams do this, but it was caught on camera and now a YouTube hit.

Adams, who watched the first half of the game in the press boxes with commissioner Roger Goodell, and then after the league looked into the situation came down and slapped one of the harshest penalties I’ve ever heard of on a nonfootball play and  by a nonfootball player.  A $250,000 fine for the “Birdman” aka Bud Adams.

Adams’ fine is a bit ridiculous when you first appear to look at it and for the type of action or gesture it was.  Even though the “Bird” is a symbol that is seen in everyday life it seems, athletes, coaches,  and owners are held at a higher standard, especially when it occurs during a game and when the camera’s are rolling.

Is the $250,000 fine a bit too much? Perhaps it is, when you think about it compared to a $20,000 fine for a player who does the same salute towards the crowd.

However, the league is a no-nonsense league under Goodell, and I am sure he is sending a message to the Titans’ Bud Adams and the rest of the league to remember who they are and how they are supposed to conduct themselves during a game.

☺☺☺☺☺

Who watch the Watchmen? Banditi con un decreto governativo gli eroi mascherati, ormai fuori legge, vivono braccati nelle loro case dismettendo le loro attività. Alcuni di loro, a dire il vero, non si sono rassegnati ed ancora in servizio percorrono le strade di una città e di un mondo ormai sull’orlo di una crisi nucleare. Le lancette dell’orologio dell’umanità scorrono inesorabili verso il tramonto, un tragico epilogo o un nuovo triste inizio?

Zack Snyder dopo 300 ci riprova e cade molto male. L’impresa certo non era delle più facili, un progetto ambizioso per uno dei fumetti più belli e adorati della storia ma per arrivare ad un prodotto finale troppo patinato e privo d’anima ce ne voleva proprio, visto anche il tema. Ora per rappresentare un fumetto sulla pellicola il regista può percorrere due vie : la prima, quella della rappresentazione fedelissima di ogni striscia oppure una rilettura in chiave personale con l’aggiunta di un bel tocco di originalità. Ecco Snyder si limita a incollare segmenti di una storia sconnessi e privi di riflessione, ne esce un collage scollato e inutile. Unica nota positiva i titoli di testa della yU+Co, davvero benfatti.

Alan Moore perdonaci. Alla prossima pillola!

Overbay may be getting a change of scenery

Could change finally be on the horizon in Blue Jay land? According to several sources, Alex Anthopolous is having discussions with Arizona to send Lyle Overbay back to the desert in a deal for part-time catcher Chris Snyder — a trade that would likely result in Adam Lind moving to first base and Snyder filling the whole that’ll be left behind the plate when Rod Barajas likely leaves via free agency this winter.

First off, Overbay is a sweet kid. He’s a great defensive first baseman, but he hasn’t hit a lick since 2006, when he signed a four-year, $24 million contract. People will tell you it has to do with a broken hand suffered early in 2007, but I’m more of the opinion it’s because he’s way too selective a hitter and takes too many pitches right down the middle. If there’s a move that could give him a fresh start and free up a spot in our outfield, I’m all for it. But Snyder?

Here’s a little run-down on the Arizona backup: He broke in in 2004 and hit a combined 29 homers in 2007 and 2008 in 660 at-bats. Like Overbay, he walks and strikes out a lot. He lost playing time to Miguel Montero last year due in part to Montero’s breakout and his own poor play — he hit .200 with six homers in 61 games before undergoing back surgery in September. Here’s my biggest fear in acquiring him, though: He’s due $4.75 million in 2010 and $5.75 in 2011, while Overbay’s deal comes off the books after next season.

Anyway, a couple fun facts on the players rumoured to be on the move: Overbay got his start in Arizona, playing parts of three seasons before being dealt to Milwaukee following the 2003 season. Snyder missed a few weeks in 2008 while recovering from a fractured testicle suffered in a game. Yikes, that’s gotta sting.

(UPDATE: According to Sportsnet, the deal is off.)

So today Daniel Snyder decided to apologize to the fans.  His regime as owner of the Redskins has been a complete failure.  Our once proud franchise is becoming a running joke around the league.  Six coaches in the last 10 years.   Only two playoff appearances since he has been owner for a team that was once a perennial power.  And last week when fans wanted to voice their opinions about how bad things have gotten on Monday Night Football, he sent his goons to confiscate signs and the bags that embarrassed fans wore over their heads.  You owe us more than an apology Mr. Snyder.  We want our damn team back!

WATCHMEN
Dirigida por Zack Snyder
Con Billy Crudup, Malin Akerman y Jackie Early Haley

Después de ver “Watchmen” la película me quedan dos certezas: 1/ unos tipos disfrazados de unos personajes no son necesariamente esos personajes, y 2/ La adaptación literal puede ser traición. Conviene no olvidar que, en cualquier relato, la estructura es siempre trama. De “Watchmen” la película atesoro ciertos matices replicantes del original: la desesperación del Comediante, el patetismo de Moloch, la serenidad del Dr Manhattan, que se expande mientras se expande el universo. Incluso los superhéroes/supervillanos posmodernos tienen su corazoncito. Una peli de Hollywood nunca puede ser una buena adaptación de “Watchmen”, porque “Watchmen” el tebeo era en esencia contracultura británica. Era ficción furiosa y nihilista generada en el país del punk. Ni siquiera el momento actual es propicio, afortunadamente. Hay muchos peligros alrededor, pero cómo explicarle a los chavales de ahora el pánico infantil ante la inminente caída de las bombas. La mayor futilidad de la adaptación de “Watchmen” es no comprender que, en su momento, era ficción sobre la guerra nuclear para niños de trece años con miedo a la muerte.

October 31st has only one significant meaning, Halloween. To celebrate, I have been dusting off some of the creepier members of my movie collection and spinning them through the ‘ol DVD player. Since zombies appear to be more vogue this year than in years past, Zack Snyder’s gore-fest gets a nod. If you were not aware, this movie is essentially a remake of George Romero’s move of the same title. I have not seen Romero’s movie, so I do not feel as if I appreciate everything that Snyder offers in his movie, but I want to look at the 2004 film in its own context. Romero is responsible for putting zombies on film and essentially is considered the alpha and omega of the genre, but that does not mean other filmmakers cannot also make a good flick about the walking dead. So, Zack Snyder, how did you do?

“Dawn of the Dead”, released in 2004, is one of a handful of movies that helped redefine zombie cinema. “28 Days Later” in 2002 really introduced moviegoers to the running zombie. A Romero zombie would be a persistently shuffling creature that, while extremely creepy, did not convey a tremendous amount of urgency. “28 Days Later” and “Dawn of the Dead” gave zombies athleticism and agility which makes the plight of any survivor more difficult and dire. While you are watching “Dawn of the Dead” you know that any setting can immediately turn into a life or death struggle since a zombie can pop onto the screen without any warning. Simple tasks like fueling a generator or trying to get the keys to the last running vehicle all assume a great deal of urgency and tension, because the viewer, like the survivor, knows that relaxation is not an option and a brain buffet could be just around the corner. This constant feeling of dread, while not making for a relaxing viewing experience, does provide a great ride. If you are going to watch a zombie movie, you probably were not expecting a Disney-like plot anyway, right?

The movie follows your typical zombie plot where the zombie apocalypse strikes without warning, what few survivors remain band together to try and wait-out the storm, and everything that could go wrong does. “Dawn of the Dead” is set in Wisconsin, which I find an amusing setting for a zom-pocalypse, and the survivors eventually find one another and take refuge in a shopping mall. After spending nearly a month in the mall, which you would not be able to tell without watching the special features on the DVD, the dwindling survivors decide on a plan to get to safety. Between point A to point B there is a lot of activity to keep the movie interesting, exciting, and flowing smoothly.

The cast does not consist of any mainstream actors other than Ving Rhames, and how can you not love a film starring Ving Rhames? His part alone makes this movie worth watching, but the other characters also provide strong roles and varying personalities which help provide nice sub-plots during the film’s few slower moments. Zack Snyder, who also directed “300″ and “Watchmen” does not have the same visual style of  his later movies, so I definitely did not recognize this as one of his movies and only made the connection after I looked-up the details on IMDB. While not directed in the same style as his blockbusters, “Dawn of the Dead” remains steady with Snyder’s hand and definitely feels like a zombie movie. Snyder undeniably took some cues from Romero’s work and added his own spice to help meld old-school with the new wave. “Dawn of the Dead” is probably the first true hybrid that faithfully maintains the eery overtones of its predecessors while introducing Hollywood’s modern flare into the genre. What better way to do that than to remake a classic! I cannot say if this is the best of the zombie movies, but it is certainly a worthy addition that pays homage to the genre and welcomes a new view.

4 stars out of 5: You will get your fill of zombies and definitely want to come back for more.

Find your way to a safe haven at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0363547/

Kansas State v. Oklahoma

Sam Bradford has announced that he has a season ending shoulder injury, and therefore the quarterback position has fallen to Landry Jones who has supposedly been stepping into these rather large shoes with a great start.  Jones has a huge backing with one of the best defenses seen so far.  They are going to test Snyders Wildcats this weekend.  But I would not be at all surprised is Daniel Thomas presents a bit of a challenge, the junior averages over 100 yds per game, not to mention Bank’s speed. 

If the Wildcats can come together and hold off the Sooners then they are one game even closer to the Big 12 North title. This would mean the world.  So this weekend I’ll be on the sidelines (like you should be) cheering on our wildcats!!

….unless you’re a Washington Redskins fan. Skins fans, say it with me: “Welcome to the UNofficial off season.” I wonder if this is just small taste of life of a Raiders fan. Oh wait, they just beat the Eagles today, I guess Oakland fans can at least chalk up one more win this season. (seriously, just count us as a bye week, we’re good for it) I think this might change Dan Snyder’s perspective on using draft picks to build and progress. Jim Zorn does deserve blame as well. But let’s look at why he’s here in the 1st place: 1. Dan didn’t want to give up control of team decisions (how’s that working for you Dan?) 2. None of the coaches that were available were Yes-Men. (how’s that working out for you Dan?) Prediction before moving on from this annoying topic: Dan Snyder trades multiple players and current draft picks to move up in this year’s draft. *fast forward to draft day* Roger Goodell: “And with the 7th, 8th, and 9th overall picks the Washington Redskins select Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow, and Case Keenum.”

Congrats to the Phillies for putting a beatdown on the Dodgers. Drew Brees is a machine. This year’s Super Bowl winner is in the NFC. (I’m just not sure which one yet) Vikes should have lost. (don’t get me wrong, I really like them, but their D let them down in the 4th) Isn’t Favre fun to watch?! I was all over the +22 Ark was getting vs Florida. (highlight of my weekend!!) God, I can’t wait for a playoff format in NCAAF.