under the chaste

Cold Moon,

Cernunnos approaches

musk, moist

rebirth breath

grasp hold

Oak moon

your hair against

my thighs

my Dark One

my hard

my High Priest

Oak Moon

All Night Long Moon,

Boys on Top Moon

until Beltane

I love to make things from scratch for the holidays, and with the holidays upon us, I am off to the store to buy all the ingredients I will need to bake my ass off again this year. Much of it will be shipped to friends and family across the country, some of it will be offered as gifts to our new friends in our new home. As it turns out, the phrase “from scratch” also applies to my love life. I’ve got a fresh start here and I can pick and choose my own ingredients for whatever recipe for love I decide to cook up!

The dream recipe for my guy has taken years to perfect (in my mind). He’s around 5″11, beautiful smile, strong features, and amazing hands that fit perfectly in mine. He’s usually bald, or salt and pepper, little dimples, and it matters little what he does for a living or what his body type is, because when I am with him, the whole universe evaporates anyway. I am safe and warm and I fantasize (see my blog Destiny—- from August 2009) he is the one I run into in my new downtown on December 15th. He’s the guy that will pick up my bags as I clumsily drop them enroute to my car (or something like that!).

But in all actuality, what if he’s not there? What if I have to continue to bake this dream, define it, test it in the kitchen before I can offer it to someone else wrapped up with love along with all the other homemade confections? As I “cook up” this fantasy of finding my dream man in the beautifully decorated streets of my town, what if he’s still in the oven? What if he’s still friggin married, separated or recently widowed? Crap, what chance do I have then? My warm, chewy, delicious gingerbread man, isn’t running down the street away from the little old woman looking for his wonderful new woman, he’s still laying on the cookie sheet in a toasty 350 degree oven…..wait for it….. getting crispy and perfect without ME! But, but, I’m ready NOW! Out of the oven, dammit, I’ve waiting long enough to frost your cute little face!

Baking is an art. Finding the love of your life is evidently a culinary art of its’ own. You don’t just throw some flour and sugar and a couple of large Grade A eggs into a bowl, mix for 4 minutes or until smooth, and roll it all into Mr. Perfect! Even on my best baking day, I couldn’t pull THAT off! It’d be nice… but that’s another blog entirely…

I’m going to bake this year. And as the eternal optimist I am going to be on that square on December 15th. I will look fabulous – for me. I’ve accomplished all I’ve ever wanted so far in life and being here only solidifies my certainty that I will very soon fufill the rest of my dreams. Of course they include my dream man, but I’ve been “baking” long enough to know that even if I am “done”, he might not be. He might need some more time in the oven so to speak. He might need to catch up with me, like the gingerbread man in the book begging all to join in the chase for the elusive warm cookie.

My melt in my mouth moment has already happened. I am living it every day of my life. I savor in every bite, enjoy the flavor, and go back for seconds, just because my life is sooo delicious right now!

I’m going to look for love – from scratch this time. I love the possibilities it offers. Like a recipe, I will try to follow the directions, I’ll put alot of love into the bowl of life, and hopefully if it all makes its’ way into the oven and I time it just right, the end result will be a perfectly baked love – from scratch!

I am exactly the girl I knew I would be when I was five. The trick is finding the guy who makes this cookie feel “whole” and frosted from head to toe – with love. I pray for all my readers to find the “sweet love” of their life!

Love,

Mel

So I went to the Simmons book tour grand finale last Friday. It was actually awesome. Simmons takes a lot of shit these days, but the fact is he’s probably my favorite sportswriter of all time. Love the guy. Perhaps a little too much. The look in his eye when I told him he’s my soul mate told me that he didn’t really feel the same way and was kind of scared shitless.
Here’s the impression I got the Sports Guy. Good damn guy, good damn writer and kind of let down about the Sports guy bashing.
I asked him if I could post video on my blog and he lost all confidence for a minute.
It seemed like he was thinking, “Shit not again. That little asshole just took video of me and I was just having a good time in Denver signing the book that I want to be remembered by and now I have to wonder if I’m going to be called a fag on some dude’s blog.”
Don’t worry Billy Boy, I got you. I’m a genuine fan.
You inspire me man that’s the way to cover sports. Dick jokes with stats.
I’ll post something longer and describe exactly what this day meant to me, but for now here is some shitty video of the event.

I want to tell you about my best friend, he is so much more than a friend, he literally saved my life.

I have been married to Joey for 8 years, but we have been friends and known each other for about 10 years. We became friends in the most unusual way, His wife and my husband got caught having an affair. I know you just went “DO WHAT!” but yep that’s what happened. We helped each other through very nasty divorces and became best friends.

So you understand what made me fall for Joey, you should know that my ex-husband was a very mean man who liked to use me as a punching bag. Joey made me see that all men are not like that, he opened my eyes to a world I had never imagined existed.

He is funny, sweet and treats me like a queen and my children like they’re his and not like step kids. In Joey I have found my soul mate the person I was born to love for all time. My only hope is that each of my daughters finds the love that I have found in Joey.

I followed her as she wandered cluelessly back to her home, back to a bedroom filled with burgundy and golds and other rich tones that made it look primed for royalty. My Grandmother couldn’t remember who she was. Senile. A state of confusion. She was beautiful though, old but with long locks of golden blonde hair. I got the feeling he’d spent his life trying to help her remember- remember her life. Or her lives. I was there, unsure as to why she lived in this daze- but then he gave me a look of understanding and sat me down at an old vanity. It was white washed wood with light turquoise trim and sitting on top was an old fashioned hair brush and a music box that had “Margot” written across it in plain block letters. I tilted my head up into the mirror and like I was fast forwarding a movie I saw it all there. My face didn’t change but as all of my lives, all of her lives, all of his lives passed through my mind, the hair on my head changed in the mirror like I was changing wigs. I didn’t really see it all play out as much as I was hit with a sudden knowing of what had happened. Time was no factor in this world. A sudden understanding that yes, he had spent all his lives longing for her, taking care of her, and we were now in this in-between world and he was trying to help her remember it all so they could finally go off into eternity together. She could look in the mirror and remember, but she couldn’t hold onto it once she looked away. Not yet, anyway. Perhaps she wasn’t ready. I looked at her, beautiful and delicate, lying in her canopy bed, and then I nodded at him with understanding- and woke up.

Except that I was never really asleep. Or… I was, but I was in that in-between state, where you know you’re dreaming but you know darn well you aren’t creative enough to make this crap up even in your subconscious.

I had to write it down before I forgot.

I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo to memorialize my Grandmother- you know how close we were. A few months ago I found this one on the internet with a Forget-Me-Not (her favorite flower) that says, “You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you… That’s where I’ll be waiting.”

Do you believe in the afterlife? Do you believe in reincarnation, in past lives? In soul mates? 

My borders are grey, but I do. I always did I suppose.

QUESTION:

In your opinion, what is the best way to attract your soul mate?

– Jeanine V.

ANSWER:

Dear Jeanine,

The first thing you need to remember is that we have more than one soul mate. The souls that incarnate with us, such as our parents, our siblings, our children, our grandchildren… we all may be of the same “soul cluster.” As I mentioned in my book, Throughout All Time, I feel that my three sons are my soul mates. My grandson is definitely one as well, and in fact was probably my spirit guide before he came in (or so I’ve been told).

If you are referring to the “Special One,” or your “twin flame,” then I can tell you that searching for that individual may be futile. You may just have to wait and see if he comes to you. If it is meant to be in your lifetime, then it will happen.

And how will you know? Because it will feel right. He will be of your vibration and there will be no doubt that you belong together. So many people “think” that they have found their true mate, and then they are disappointed, or they discover they were mistaken in making that assumption.

People who actively seek their soul mate seem to cling to every possibility that crosses their paths. If you really want to be with that soul, you must make yourself ready through working on yourself first. Raise your vibration by becoming aware of higher ideas. Open yourself to the Light and be of service to humanity. When you give love, you attract love, and if it is meant for you in this lifetime… your twin flame will be attracted to you.

To order Throughout All Time, A Cosmic Love Story, visit http://earthstar.tripod.com/cosmiclove.html

When I’d finished writing my recent post about life in the office and I’d shut my laptop off, the conversation took a wild swerve away from the typically monotonous and headed towards the concept of love everlasting and soul mates. The office is mixed bunch of guys and girls and I all the people in there at the time agreed that they believe in such a concept. All except one… me.

Of course, for my opinions I was branded as a bitter, cold-hearted so-and-so, but it’s an opinion that I’ll stand by until I see some cast-iron fact that will back it up in any way, shape or form – something that very few people with whom I debate this point are actually able to produce.

"No, Billy-Bob was never my soul mate. You are."

I do believe in love. I do believe that there are people out there to whom you are suited and compatible. What I don’t believe is that there is one special human being out there in the vast, sprawling metropolis we call planet Earth that has been created just for you by a higher power and is your soul mate. Such a thing is just absurd.  I also believe that the person they all describe (their current ’squeezes’ at the time) is no more their perfect match than any of the millions upon millions of people that they have not and will never meet. It seems to me some people need to project upon others their relationship as faultless and wonderful so they just might be able to believe it themselves.

Circumstance dictates current partners in a way.

Think about it. Lets say you’re an average guy of 40 who has had 6 serious relationships – the 5 that came first ended and you married the 6th. Why? Is the 6th person your soul mates or is it a simple case of her being the person that came along at the correct time when you felt marriage was a viable option? Would you have felt the same way about any of the girls that preceded her had they come in a different order?

I’m not sure.

What I do know for certain is that to say there is one person out there who is perfect for you is utterly ridiculous. It’s total mathematical certitude that there is an abundance of people on the planet who are more suitable for you than the person you are currently in relations with. That cannot be disputed yet as people we are so blinded to that fact by a belief in something we just simply want to believe is true. Maybe getting into my thirties has turned me from naive day-dreamer to hard-nosed cynic and there is a lot of truth to that. The thing is I do like the concept of romantic love and the notion of soul mates. It’s just a shame that I know it’s not true.

There is a very remarkable dance that occurs rarely, but does happen in the universe, called entanglement.  It is a mysterious interaction between certain strange, or as Einstein called them, ’spooky’ photons, where they somehow become linked with another.  This link, confusingly in defiance of the speed limit of light, makes the two photons become as one – except this oneness exists even when they are separated.  In fact, even if these entangled photons were at opposite ends of the universe, they would still maintain a coexistent, and seemingly spiritual bond.

They energetically dance in unison.  Each, matching the physical and energetic state of the other perfectly, exist like proverbial identical twins, or perhaps more like soul mates, who feel their partner’s presence wherever they go.  What I find even more fascinating is how the separate but bonded photons feel for each other.  According to Nicholas Gisin, a professor at the University of Geneva, “Even when the entangled photons are separated geographically, if one of them is modified, the other photon automatically undergoes the same change.”

So, whatever happens to one entangled photon, by whatever catalyst that may affect it, the photon’s mate on the opposite side of the universe will instantaneously change in the exact same way.  Light cannot even travel a fraction of the speed it would take to cover the expanse of existence in such a way as to occupy two different locations simultaneously.  Nonetheless, two entangled photons can somehow dance together in perfect grace and rhythm across all space and time.

If the two were exposed to separate sounds, they would hear both sounds as if in the same location.  If you dropped a hammer on one’s toe, the other would not only feel the pain, but would bruise in exactly the same way and time.  The fate of entangled photons are/is fixed.  You can’t pull them apart, because they both would experience the same force, in the same way, at the same time.  It’s as if they were predestined to be together forever – if time really exists.  Yet, scientists can entangle previously solitary photons, which is even more spooky.

The whole topic seems an almost direct representation of humanity, and the concept of people being made for each other.  We can exist as solitary beings, but still feel that there is someone out there we were, are, and will always be meant for.  Once we find our soul mate, even distance and death cannot sever the bond.  For those who don’t believe in soul mates, I think you should sit down at a Starbucks, order three coffees and listen while the two married photons tell you about fate, destiny, and everything else we don’t understand.

Yes, people are people, and photons are something radically different, but I’m not the first one, nor anywhere near the smartest, to think this spooky particle dance might be true love on the quantum level.

After the nasty, shallow, breaking-up post the other day, I thought it only fair that I do an equally nasty, shallow meeting-up post today. Amy mentioned in the comments of the breaking-up post that she once dated via personal ads and screened applicants through their grammar and spelling. Coincidentally, that same day, I got an email (and probably many of you got the same email) from some “Facebook-integrated dating site” (whatever that means) offering to let me write posts for them for free.

The stars were obviously aligned in favour of an internet/agency/personal ad (depending on your era) dating post.

I once joined a dating agency. For anyone under 30, this is what they used to have before LavaLife or Plentyoffish.  You had to leave your home and visit an office populated by human beings who would give you a questionnaire – on paper. Then they’d give you a pen, and you’d sit and write down — by hand — information about yourself. Then they’d take a photograph with a crazy old-timey gadget called a Polaroid camera that instantly produced blurry, greenish images, but with a nice wide border around the bottom. (The big bottom border was so you could write down a description of what was supposed to be depicted in the photograph in case it was too unrecognizable and green)

The really swanky dating agencies would take a blurry, greenish video of you instead. You’d get all dressed up; pretend you were talking to a potential date and say really stupid stuff about yourself.

I opted for the lower-tech, chicks-are-free option. In this agency, the Matchmaker Lady did all the work. She’d sort through the applications and Polaroids and match me up with people she thought would be compatible. Then she’d call me and tell me about some guy and give me his telephone number. I’d call him, we’d talk and then decide if we wanted to meet up. I’d call the Matchmaker Lady and tell her when the meet-up was. (I know, I know, she’s starting to sound like a pimp to me, too, all of a sudden) Anyway, after the initial meet-up I had to call the Matchmaker Lady again and let her know how it went. I guess if she didn’t get a call within a few days, she’d assume I’d been murdered and left in a ditch by the side of the road and she’d alert authorities.

Luckily that never happened.

She did send me a lot of desperate eligible men. It was quite a long time ago now, but I don’t believe anything memorable ever happened on any of the meet-ups I went to. I’m pretty sure I never went out on a second date, either. Matchmaker Lady got pissed off with me at some point and we more or less mutually agreed that I should gave up on the whole sorry experience.

I’ve never looked at LavaLife, but I have had a look at the Plentyoffish site — just to see what was going on in the zany world of dating these days. Nothing there made me jump up and say, “Whoa, stand aside and let me dive into this sea.”

I do realize that you’re all muttering to yourself that it’s not the fish in the sea that’s the problem here — it’s me. And you’re right. Matchmaker Lady said pretty much the same thing. I’m obviously not interested enough in dating to make the effort. If I happen to meet somebody I like enough to want to spend an evening or whatever with, that’s one thing. But pursuing a date, by electronic or other means is like making some sort of commitment to declaring yourself open to a relationship.

And if that’s what you really want, the deliberate mate-seeking option seems to work. I know quite a few people who met their spouses and/or significant others online and everyone seems happy. Even people, who didn’t purposely set out to meet a partner, ended up meeting someone incidentally because of Facebook, blogging or some other online-related activity.  

How about you? Have you ever dabbled in the world of internet, agency or personal ad dating? Was it a good, bad or indifferent experience? Did you meet your soul-mate, worst nightmare or cure for insomnia?

*** Also,  of all the Polaroid photographs that have been taken of or by you in the past, do any of them still have an actual image on them?

I really miss my Paula right now. I had a friend stop by earlier, but I sent him home and now I’m alone with my thoughts and alcohol. I’m going out to Colorado Wednesday, but I’m not sure what for. Her funeral is done and I missed it, maybe just to see some old friends. It’s a lightning trip, alot of driving for a few hours with old pals and memories, I’ll be back Friday afternoon so I can make my date with my prospective new cutie.

My grandparents are gone, but I’ve never felt first hand death until now, I can’t take it. If it wasn’t for that fucking redhead I was stuck on and who only lied to me and hurt me and cheated on me, we would have gotten back together. It was in the works and I killed it and now she’s gone. FUCK!

I feel for my neighbors, they’re getting blasted with a shitload of music. Fuck ‘em. I want my Paula back and 6 feet of dirt make sure that won’t happen.

Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love. I would do ANYTHING to get my Paula back, but it’s not happenning, god has made sure of that, fuck him too. Now the tune. Enjoy.

Now a song from our prom night when we both gave each other our virginity, Still Of The Night, Whitesnake

Yes we were both 80’s stoners. She was the best woman I ever knew, I hope there is reincarnation. My tears are on my face right now, I shouldn’t listen to this music right now.

I am in love. With a house that is. I shouldn’t be cheating on my realtor and looking without her knowledge, but she is out of town, and it all happened so fast. And now I am in love. I will promise her I will never let it happen again, it was just that one time and it meant nothing! Really! I didn’t plan it, I was bored and it just sort of happened. I’m getting ahead of myself, let me back up a little.

When I moved us into our little lake house, it was always with the intent that I would take my time, look around, and find the house that “fit”. Ideally, the house that fits, sits up on a hill with a large windows in every room, tastefully decorated, and offers breathtaking view of the lake. Yeah, that house pretty much “fits” us all, just not our wallets. So my compromise is a condo. Close to the lake, easy upkeep, and affordable.

So I am at my bosses house the other night and his wife asks me where we are looking for houses, and I tell her I am looking for condos near the lake. She says “Your face just scrunched up when you said the word ‘condo’”.

“Really?” I reply. I didn’t notice. But I did – later it hit me. I DID scrunch my face. But why? I thought I had made my decision and I was happy and comfortable with it. I was, wasn’t I? DUUHHH! An almost complete stranger noticed what I was denying to even myself. A guilty pleasure. And that guilty pleasure is looking at, and even uttering the word “house”. But I wouldn’t allow it! I had given up on the house in the name of practicality. Yea for Mel! Practical!!

Then it was right in front of me, before I could react. Cute, quaint, and perfect. I guess you really don’t get to pick and choose what (or who) you fall in love with. It sort of finds you. I’ll break this to my realtor somehow….

So it got me thinking about love and the power of picking and choosing. Can you pick and choose whether its a home, a job, or love? Or does something more powerful than us take over and says “Nope, this is the one; stop the car right here!”

I have fallen in love with men who I never saw myself with. I picked them, or they picked me and eventually we “chose” to be together. Then for whatever reason, we chose not to be together anymore. The end, NEXT!. But what if that doesn’t actually happen? What if you thought you had some power over that emotion to quit, walk away or try to pretend they are laying under a bus somewhere doesn’t work? What if you find you choose to be with this person despite your thought they aren’t the right “pick”? What if there is an uncontrollable urge (like with the house vs. condo) that points you right back to your heart and not your mind? Frustrating as hell isn’t it?

I would like to think that I will walk into that house and talk myself right out of it. Truth is I already see myself in that house. Having parties, building cute little flower boxes for the front windows, and finding the perfect outdoor lighting that says “Welcome to my home”. DAMN! I don’t want to be in love with that house. I want to be in love with a condo! Condos are easy, they are already “done”, they don’t need much from me, someone has done all the thinking… but this house is sooooo cute and it just fits. These are the times I wish someone was there to say “Go for it, follow your heart!” or “Are you insane, go for the condo by the lake!”

I guess my heart and my head are about to have a big fight. HUGE fight! Someone will have to be the dealbreaker, the voice of reason here, because I want that house. I want to spend the rest of my life working on that house and making it all I’ve ever wanted. It’s halfway there, it just needs the love of a good woman. But the other side of me wants to be happy and content with a condo.

Maybe between now and the spring when we have to say goodbye to our lake house something amazing will happen. Maybe I won’t have to make this decision at all. Maybe someone will buy that little house right out from under me and love it more than I ever could. Maybe the market will improve so much I won’t be able to pick the right condo at all, let alone afford one! Maybe that little house will wait for me. Because it knows we belong together, maybe that little house will scare off all other potentials and wait for me.

I need a miracle or a sign. Either way…. gotta explain this cheating to my realtor tomorrow!

Readers? Any great advice? I’m all ears.

Love,

Mel

My favorite part of this curse, was that it wasn’t a curse at all. It was instead a blessing. I was blessed and honored to watch each and every day end and witness each and every day begin. I was privileged to see time pass slowly and surely before my eyes, when to so many others it flew by. I was proven by whomever’s higher power that nothing is stagnant.

If you ever felt like something is meant to be, that is how I feel at this moment in time.

I’m meant to be happy, and at this moment in time, I am.

Right now things are swell, remember: Fleeting hope. I’m at the curb where the road diverts and I’m unsure of which path is chosen for me. And I’m completely ignorantly hopeful about existing conditions. Things couldn’t go any more positively wonderful than they are right now. But I have those moments, that I realize this isn’t going to last. That maybe I’m not meant to be happy. doubt.

When pessimism rears its beautiful head to lure me away, I look at this ring of hope. This beautiful ring that reminds me that I’m okay. It reminds me that I’ve gone through so much worse, that I’m strong, that I can get through anything and most importantly that I don’t need anyone else in this whole world.

To the point: He’s nice so far, but I’m waiting for this world to trick me. I can’t let my guard slip into thinking that I deserve someone like him. But for right now, he likes me. And for right now, I like him. For right now, it’s wonderfully ignorantly beautifully blissful.

I went on a field trip yesterday. Well the kids went, I just tagged along. I snuck into the gift shop because a girls gotta shop, and there before my eyes was exactly what I had needed to cure my broken heart. A frog. Wow, you say to yourself, this girl is desperate! Hang on, don’t judge too quickly! He wasn’t just ANY frog, he was wearing a crown. He’s a frog prince! Has your faith been restored? Can you just read the rest of this blog?

I snatched that little guy right up, picked up something cute for my other prince (my son), and felt inspired. It was a good day.

Frog Prince came home and now sits next to my laptop. His crown is a little crooked on his head, he’s all rusty, he wiggles on the desk as I “tap, tap” on my keyboard, and he’s a little overweight for my taste. He’s PERFECT! Do you want to know why he’s perfect? Because I know under all that rust, and pot belly lays every little girls (and now grown up girls) fantasy. If you kiss him he will turn into a handsome prince! And we will live happily ever after. The END! No? Not the end? How come? What’s up with you trying to pop the bubble I’ve so happily lived in all these years? Poo on you. I’m going to kiss that little guy…..

“POOF”!!! Little thing is still sitting on my desk! The POOF, was the bulb in my lamp burning out. SOOOO close! Ok, you don’t win yet, once I replace that bulb, I’m going in for another kiss….

We’ve all been there. We saw the pot bellied, charming, but not so cute guy and thought, “OH if I kiss him, I can turn him into whomever I wish”. WRONG! If he’s got a pot belly before you kiss him, chances are he’ll still need to do a few sit ups when your lips part. If he looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and squawks like a duck – he’s a duck. Don’t kiss him, ducks don’t have lips!

I’ve kissed lots of frogs, thinking the love of a good (no great) woman would make them into this amazing person. Falling in love, being truly loved will surely bring out all their best “Prince Like” qualities. Right girls? Didn’t we all think that? Nod your head yes because you know I am right.

Truth is, people are who they are. If you think you will make a difference in their lives, you might. For about 45 seconds or so. Then they go right back into their old bad habits. People (men and women) are creatures of habit. They must change on their own and do so because it’s good for them, not you. They must truly understand the evolution process can happen in a complete lifetime and not over billions of years. To change, to be better than you were in your last relationship will take proof. Proof to yourself first, and then investing the time to SHOW the one you love.

I’ve had really great guys in my life. Unfortunately, I let them hop back into the pond. I let them go because they weren’t much of a challenge. Challenges are the things that make my adreneline pump, make my heart race faster, and my eyes brighter. I love a challenge and have kissed plenty of frogs to prove that point. Sadly, like that little guy with the crooked crown, they are still frogs… to me at least.

But maybe the next girl will find them their one and only happy ending. God I hope that for everyone. That frog, even though he might be a smuck, deserves to be loved – pot belly and all. We all deserve to be loved. Showered with roses, covered in kisses, and devoured in love ever after.

So my little prince watches over me tonight, he smiles at me and cheers me on. He doesn’t ask much, but today when I’ve had enough of the kissing frogs that didn’t become “Prince Like”, he just holds out his little three-fingered hand and asks for me to come along on his fairy tale ending…. somewhere in that pond of love.

I think that’s what my real prince will do. If he’s got a six pack, or a pot belly, if his heart is pure, holds out his hand (hopefully with more than three fingers), and asks me to be his princess, I think I’ll take whatever I see after we kiss and I open my eyes. I think I will be staring at my Prince.

I will caution you to always kiss with confidence, and kiss for keeps. Don’t we all need to believe in happily ever after? Because when it’s all said and done – what’s “after”?

Love,

Mel

I thought of this not-so-novel idea when I was previewing this Friday’s movie (that which will not be revealed now, but does tie into this week’s theme of feeling *alive* : ).  Something that struck me was this beautiful, tight knit relationship the heroine of the film has with her neighbors.  They care for one another, know each other’s intimate joys and pain, and most every day, share coffee.  This got me thinking about this simple thing of sharing coffee.  Of meeting with friends or neighbors simply to share a coffee, and nothing else.  There is this wonderful opportunity– of time and connection that occurs when we aren’t pre-occupied by the busy-ness of our lives, or the preparing of a meal or event, that is typically associated with gathering .  It’s sort of a break from that busy-ness, to just connect without agenda.  It’s hard to make time for this seemingly ‘extraneous’ activity of meeting for coffee… but when we actually do… how wonderful it is.   Now that’s, the stuff of life.  I’m now thinking of all the people I could share a good long coffee date with…

I know, you were expecting something else. It would be so much more pleasant if the three L’s I am going to blog about in the next few paragraphs were those little signs you see at Hallmark “Live, Laugh, Love”. Sorry, not today. Run to Hallmark if you feel the need to get some warm fuzzies. I personally love that phrase, I think I had it on one of my walls in my last house. Today I want to go right to the heart of the three L’s that often times weave their way into all of our realities (and not necessarily our walls). Ready, set, let’s “L” together.

Love – I adore that word. It is sacred, and everything I find holy and spiritual. I know the meaning of it on a deep, deep level. I know what it stands for and I know what it doesn’t stand for. Sometimes the word can flow from your mouth before you are able to take it in and breathe it’s sanctity. You are anxious, threatened, scared, or truly moved by someone so much you think this word is all that will be needed to keep and sustain them. How careful you must be not to misplace the timing of a declaration of love. After it has been uttered, the bar is set, and the game of love is on. It’s all different after that. Expectations, rules of engagement, and all that stood before is still there, just heightened a hundred fold. You pray you can live up to the power of the word. You pray you will be worthy for a lifetime of this person you said “Love” to. It’s a huge responsibility, and I wish people took it more seriously.

No one is perfect. Life and love are lessons we all must learn. Onto the second “L” – Learn. People can be taught at any age. The desire to learn and become more than you are/were should make life exciting and worthwhile. I’ve learned so much about myself in the last few years. I’ve learned I am alot stronger than I ever knew. I’ve been tested in ways no one should be tested. I walked through the fires and came out with a strong understanding of myself, the power of life, and the value in lessons learned.

I learn, or at least try to learn from my mistakes. I admit to my shortcomings outloud, and work on them if opportunities present themselves. I was in a relationship once that seemed very genuine. I felt safer with this man than anyone in recent memory. It had been a tough road to move back to the “L” word with anyone, and at last I found myself saying it. But I soon began to doubt that he was who he said he was. I panicked thinking I couldn’t be this stupid or naive at my age! And who at MY age is going to play a trick like that? I have learned in the past to listen to my gut, and my gut was telling me something was rotten. It didn’t take much time, he admitted I had been right all along. The love word had been thrown out quite prematurely (by us both) and I was left standing with my heart in my hand – and little else. All dignity and sense of balance thrown completely out the window.

So I learned and I lost. Heartbreaking, gutwrenching news. On to the last “L” – Lose. So obviously no one wins when “Lose” is in the sentence somewhere. What next? Do you run right back to the first “L” and try to “Love” again? Some might. I suspect he will quickly. I chose to move back into #2 – Learn. What did I learn so I don’t Lose next time? Well I would have to say I need to keep the word Love high on the pedestal it deserves to stand on. Cherish that word – when spoken from the right lips – is true and honest. There isn’t a set of conditions, or make believe feelings that “tag along’ with Love. It stands on its own.

I will Love, and Learn and hopefully never Lose again. The reality is that there will always be people out there throwing that word around to people like me who actually like that word and believe it with every fiber of their being. It’s not a word to get someone in bed, make them doubt their dreams or ambitions, and it certainly wasn’t invented for people who have no desire to Live to Love. If you are going to Live, Laugh, Love… I couldn’t be happier for you. If you find yourself confused about the meaning of Love – look it up, talk to people who are in loving relationships, and never utter it until you can back it up. Be someone who Loves to Learn and Lives to Love, not Loves to Lose.

As for me… it’ll take some time. But I’ll be back. Stay tuned!

Love,

Mel

Today is Suraya and I’s 9th month!

“You leave me wanting nothing more
than wanting more of you.”

I love you

♥

To be honest with you, marriage used to freak me out a bit… maybe because of witnessing my parents’ dysfunctional marriage.. or the fact that I truly perceive marriage as a forever commitment and the most influential woman in my life, my mother, has been married 3 times in her life… or perhaps because it seems amazing to me that two people can choose to live their whole entire lives together and keep growing and learning and loving and fighting and living and being…together… it’s just such a beautifully massive commitment…or maybe i was brainwashed by the media…the American perception of marriage is so f*cked…more often than not it seems the wedding is more important than the marriage… a plastic couple on top of a cake, and a dress, and check the box for steak or fish…and all too often the cinema (a massive force in our perception) views the bond as imprisonment, stale and passionless… and i LIVE for passion… but truly i believe that this sacred union can live and flourish in passion and love… partly because i’m an extreme romantic and partly because i’ve seen it in real life! -with my aunt and uncle, who are a true example of a sacred marriage… the way they love and work and flirt and make time and support and honor and grow with each other is beautiful! Now because i’m in a serious relationship and i’m of a certain age… people start asking “when are YOU getting married???” Marriage is a beautiful union but I’m enjoying where I am right now… I know girlfriends that are feeling that pressure of making that commitment or feel that they should be married or engaged or in a serious relationship, but truly everyone has their own path and there is beauty and fun and lessons in each situation-married, engaged, single, in a relationship.. wherever you’re at… oh and i’ve found that the best answer for couples that keep getting that probing ? of when they’re getting married is “I’m just enjoying being in love.” Don’t let anyone influence your path or what you know is right for you. I digress… In the current book I’m reading Aphrodite’s Daughters I love the way Bonheim explores the sacred marriage… “As a form of spiritual practice, relationship practice engages and transforms the ego more radically than any other discipline.” I find it interesting that she claims marriage is becoming even more a spiritual union than before, “our marriages are less simple and secure than those of our mothers and grandmothers. What people like us are trying to do has never been done. Certainly our parents were not trying to achieve that level of honesty and consciousness and intimacy. We are pioneers. I feel guided by a force greater than ourselves, as if the planet were asking for this. We are evolving toward greater realization….Today, spiritual evolution is no longer the privilege and intention of a tiny minority. Our species is poised to leap into a new level of consciousness, it is affecting us in a major way and even changing the function of our marriages.” Interesting…

And then she explores what it takes to keep this union together… “Before committing to marriage, we might ask ourselves no only whether we love and trust the person, but also questions such as ‘Do I see the god in him/her? Can I see beyond his/her most infuriating personality traits to the sacred depths of his/her soul? Does he/she honor and evoke the goddess in me?‘ Even when our initial answer is yes, sustaining this vision over the years usually demands a tremendous amount of inner and outer transformation. Often married couples fail to realize how much attention and nurturance the sacred, transpersonal dimensions of a relationship require to stay alive. When a deep passion comes our way, it appears to have such a strong life of its own that we easily forget what a fragile, tender flower it actually is. Once planted in the soil of everyday life, it will wither and die unless we nurture it with constant and careful attention. The daily routines and the inevitable compromises and the resentments that build up can wear away that passionate spark. In a long-term marriage the trick is to keep that wild, undomesticated aspect alive.” I love the idea of marriage being an ADVENTURE!!!

The author also touches on the importance of sexuality in this sacred bond… “Like mediation and prayer, marriage is a time-honored path of transformation, a way of transcending our narrow, ego based identity and developing compassion. However, the difficulties of this path can be so great that even soul mates might eventually give up in despair, were it not for the aching sweetness of their sexual passion for each other. Sexuality is the glue that keeps the lovers together, the sweet carrot that keeps them going when things get rough. When passion endures over a lifetime, we can be assured that the relationship answers to a deep need of the soul.” Sexy and sacred. I love that!

wishing you many adventures in love…

photo by Megan Finley (www.meganfinley.com)

So you met someone. Congratulations! Is this person your friend or your lover? Or your “and/or”? Of course you want to do the mature thing and be friends first. That is the basis and foundation for all great and lasting relationships, right? But then there’s the other part of you that wants to….. Let’s have a chat about the want shall we? An honest, frank discussion about friends and lovers and where you stand on that.

First let’s get to the easy one. Friends. If there is absolutely no sexual attraction between either of you, then this is a short paragraph. Not much to say, is there. Or is there? Are you denying your feelings? Supressing for the greater good? Are you currently in a relationship and anything that smacks of flirting is a betrayal? You’d be right, and thank you for not being a smuck.

But what if there is a vibe when you are together but neither of you are acting on it? It’s all in the “friend zone” and you both intend to keep it there. There’s no real reason not to take it to the next level, try it on for size, as it were. See how it “fits”. Kiss her dammit, do it already! I knew a girl who was in friendly relationship with a man that lived next door to her. They had settled in the friend zone and eventually as alot of relationships go, she ended up wondering why he’d never even tried to kiss her. It was frustrating and hard to listen to as it dragged on through the better part of two years.

Finally, she told him to make a move or get the hell out. Gamble for sure, but he grabbed her on her front lawn, and laid one on her! Dear God man, what took you so long?! It was a great kiss according to my friend, but I moved, we lost touch, and I never heard if that was the moment they left the friend zone and entered into the friend and/or lover stage.

I will speak up and say what’s on my mind. Not one person has ever accused me of being cryptic. If you want to know where you stand with me, look in my eyes, and ask. I will tell you, honestly. If I want you, I will tell you, and on the other side of that coin, I will let you down gently if the answer is no.

Communication and a clear voice is all it takes here folks, just use your words. You will either have exactly what you want, or walk away with the information you needed. Either way it’s honest and the only way to go. Who wants to walk around for the rest of their lives with a bunch of “what if’s”?

So now lets go to the “and/or”. That’s a little trickier. You can be one of two things in this category. Friends with benefits, or a great relationship that is working it’s way towards forever. I don’t care who you are, friends with benefits doesn’t work. At some point, someone gets hurt. Why? Because one of you got invested. One of you broke Rule #1 in a friends with benefits arrangement and started having feelings. At some point when you two were having great sex “as friends”, one of you mistook a signal and let your brain wander too far into “relationship land”. One of you then came to the conclusion “Hey this is a great friendship, we are obviously compatible in the bedroom, we should have a relationship!” And BAM, just like that the “and/or” becomes an uncomfortable conversation.

Someone was loving the freedom that came with the less emotional part of this “arrangement”. Someone didn’t want to have to blurt out feelings afterwards, bask in the glow of it all, and stand at the door for 2 hours saying “goodnight”. Someone just wanted to have sex. Period.

OK, so which one of you caved in to your feelings? And is that a crime? Absolutley not! Do not beat yourself up for this. If sex and love can be separated so easily, then what kind of society are we moving towards? Where intimacy is a word no one knows the meaning of; slow, long, lingering kisses are a thing of the past, and asking a woman out on a date outside of her bedroom is the exception, not the rule.

It’s not just men, women have done this too. I have done this. But sometimes, there is a bond that develops over time, and you start to wonder if it’s real. You want to test it outside the confines of your candlelit bedroom. Take it into the light, or as I said earlier – try it on and see if it fits. You already know the sex is amazing, what about the rest? Does she drink too much and just nibble on her salad. Does he chew with his mouth open and reach across the table and take your croutons without asking? Go ahead – ask. What can it hurt?

But I can almost guarantee if the relationship started in the bed, it will end in the bed. I’m sorry, but I gotta call a spade a spade. History with these relationships have about a good a track record as affairs. They end when the danger of sneaking around, doing something taboo has reached it’s ugly conclusion.

So what are we left with? I’ve lost track… Oh yeah, friends and lovers. This is where you are best friends and the sex is amazing and you are in love with your lover. It all came together perfectly, like the perfect storm. You built a friendship and were honest with yourselves about the sexual chemistry. You set your priorities straight from the beginning and neither took over. You didn’t end up in the “friend zone” and concurrently you didn’t end up ripping each others clothes off every time you were in the same room together. You found that healthy balance that every relationship strives for. You laugh as friends, and giggle as lovers under the covers. Bravo – good job!

I want to challenge you to look at your current relationship. What is it? Friends, lovers, “and/or”, or maybe something in between. What does it look like in ten years when you close your eyes. Do you see yourself kissing her? Do you see yourself wanting him as more than a friend? Can you honestly see yourself married to this person? If he’s married, stay away girl. Get it out of your head. Same goes for you guys. But if he/she isn’t taken, and you get that tingly feeling when he calls, or comes around, say something. Speak up -or forever hold your peace. You might just get the best friend AND lover that you’ve ever dreamed of.

Love,

Mel

Some very interesting comments for Gold Diggers can be found here….

http://www.hegnar.no/nyhetsoversikt/article231162.ece

made me laugh.

xoxo,

HonestChitChat

In a season where people will costume their faces with various types of coverings masking their true identities in the spirit of good natured fun, I think of the invisible masks that we wear each day.

There is something about feeling vulnerable in our emotions that brings up protective shields in us as human beings. We learn from experience that when we put down those shields and have had those emotions trampled on, we become hesitant in letting them down again.

For some the trampling has been so severe that the shields never go do down and become iron locked. Their masks become faces of bitterness and disdain.

Most of us have layered masks depending on the situation and who we are interacting with at the the moment.  The masks peel off as the level of trust increases.  When there is full trust, there is no mask, but the real face.

At that moment,  there is such a freedom and a level of happiness to just be who one  truly is and that is the ultimate freedom.  Often when people refer to each other as soul mates or as best friends, this is when masks are stripped away.

Questions that you may ask yourself that I ask myself:  How many masks do I wear? With whom?  Why?  With whom do I not wear masks with? Why?   It just helps to self-reflect and even opens the door for change.

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Peas in a pod

Do you believe there is a soul mate out there for everyone?  I do…

18yrs ago I took a sickie from work to go out drinking with a mate who was ex navy, the city was packed with navies from all around the world for NZ’s 50th anniversary.  Funny that I was there as I am abit of a peace-nic, hippy, pacifists and was enjoying the celebration of war when you break it down.

We bumped into a few mates of my girlfriend, and there within the group is a guy that stands for everything I don’t believe in!  BANG!!!!  Can’t stop looking at him or those clear ice baby blues!!!

We moved into together six months later, and married just over a year later.

We are in the pure since of the term opposite poles – my anti views on war, my love for loud music, shopping, drinking/drugs, and lack of interest in the government and their views.

So the only thing that explains that we have been together for 18years, and married for 17 years of those years, we even now work together so are pretty much together 24/7.  Is that we are soul mates!

Over the years, my views haven’t changed in regards to war and the government and nor have my hubby’s, I try to turn the music turn when he is around, he doesn’t complain when I overspend in the mall and we have found new hobbies that combine both of our totally different personalities.

Soul mates are out there, don’t stop looking till you find yours and if you have give them a hug to show you care.

This love child found her’s – a hippie and a sailor.

Ree.

xxx

If you’ve been with me on this journey of relationships, you know I am inquisitive of the behaviors in finding "the one". I came across this man’s request of what he is looking for.

"I am searching for a woman who is independent, loves to laugh, ambitious & driven in her profession, passionate about her convictions, understanding, communicative, takes pride in her personal appearance, has the respect of her peers, loves the outdoors and one by spending as much time with her, she will make me the man that I want to be. A woman that I can confide anything and everything in and reciprocate that right back to her. I want someone that does not hold back and shares with me what is on her mind, no matter how small or big in her life, a woman that can challenge me to be better.She is compassionate about those are less fortunate in life with her loving heart and caring nature. A woman that versatile and adaptable in her fashion from either at laying in the couch watching television in a t-shirt and jeans to dressing elegantly for a formal event but be comfortable in her own skin at all times. I want a woman who compliments me in life. Quintessentially, I am looking for my best friend."

What I find fascinating in these profiles is truly what guy doesn’t want this type of woman? So surely there is more than one woman who is like this. My next big question is then…if this guy met two women equally attractive how what would be the determining factor in who he marries?

And I don’t know if it’s just the guys I am around but it seems like as they mature, they are more tolerant and able to focus on the positives more than the negatives. So if they could find positive traits about any given woman, what makes them pick one over another?