Mavis let me know she was in a season of spiritual dryness. My own prolonged wilderness experience and subsequent reconnection with living faith has been an encouragement to her. And our ongoing dialogue has been a boost to me.

Mavis offers the following book review as a help to others who also struggle with spiritual dryness:

This 74 page booklet begins by quoting Churchill, “If you’re going through hell, keep going!”  Daniel Kolenda then comments, “Adversity does not have to become our destination.  It can be a pathway to something greater.” (p5)

This positive, forward-facing attitude permeates “Surviving Your Wilderness”.  Showing a striking parallel, Kolenda takes the six recommendations for surviving a physical wilderness and applies them with clarity, insight and succinct examples, to surviving a spiritual wilderness.  The overall structure is simple and easy to follow; each chapter contains helpful tools.

Tip #1 – Don’t Panic:

Lies from the enemy bring fear.  We need to hold on to our beliefs that God is real and He is good.  Remembering who we are, as His children, we can resolve to keep our heart steadfast, and not give into the tendency to give up.

Tip #2 – Assess Your Situation:

Taking stock of your resources, and understanding your surroundings, are essential physically and spiritually. “The resources for spiritual life are always precious, but in the wilderness we must rediscover them and cling to them like never before.” (p 13)  Our greatest resource is the Word of God; it can give new perspective.  The fellowship of the saints is another, for “once isolated in a spiritual desert, we become especially vulnerable to discouragement and deception.” (p 17)  The comfort of the Holy Spirit is discussed by Kolenda through the story of Joseph, who experiences our wildnerness from within us, present with us through it all.

Personally, the second half of this chapter was extremely helpful.  Kolenda describes what kind of wilderness we are in, and describes two: 1) The Wilderness of Opposition comes to us as a result of sin.  The mercy of Christ and His forgiveness are proclaimed clearly; the need for repentance as turning not just from  sin but to Christ is powerful and well articulated!  2) The Wilderness of Promotion – We are each called to become “like Jesus”, and the wilderness can be the necessary training grounds, preparatory for the calling on our lives.  “You can’t get such results quickly.  You can’t get them cheaply….Before promotion there must be process; before resurrection there must be death.” (p32)

Tip #3 – Find Shelter

“…the way a child of God finds or builds a shelter is by seeking God all the more diligently as a haven..”(p38)  “The wilderness is not the place of God’s absence.  It is the place where He establishes His presence in a fresh way.” (p 39)  We can experience Him in this way, but we must rouse ourselves to seek Him.

Tip #4 – Build a Fire

In Israel’s 40 year wilderness, they did not start their own fire – God did.  Teaching them how to worship Him, He established sacrifice as the centre – fire, sacrifice.  It is our job to maintain that fire, to “stoke the flames by worshipping Him during hard times.” (p47)  God set the Israelites on fire before they reached the promised land – they emerged from the wilderness already ablaze.  “God brings us into the wilderness to set us on fire.  Then He can bring people into their destiny who have learned to worship – truly worship – Him with loyal, fervent hearts.” (p 47)

Tip #5 – Drink water

“Survival experts warn us not to wait till we feel thirsty, but to drink as much as possible.  Likewise, it si critical that those in a spiritual wilderness constantly be filled with God’s Spirit.” (p 51)  Praying in the Spirit is how we can keep ourselves hydrated.  “We pray ini the Spirit when we connect with His presence, partner with His leading, and permit Him to empower our prayers.” (p 53) Note: some may not agree with Kolenda’s brief reference also to praying in tongues, but much is offered in this chapter re prayer.

Tip #6 – Find Nourishment

It will be no surprise to the reader, that the “nourishment” we find, as Christians, is  the Word of God.  Kolenda suggests two ways to live by the Word: feasting on it, and obeying it.  The latter closes out this booklet with a powerful challenge to those in the wilderness, to “…continue to believe (God’s) promises even if they seem contradicted, for the moment.” (p 66).”The reason God took us down the route of hard places is to see if we would still believe His Word while there.  That’s when it counts….Those who are proven to be people of ‘spirit’ may not enjoy everything about the wilderness, but they are willing to embrace it.” (p 69)

The underlying tone of encouragement is maintained throughout this very readable booklet.  We have been provided with all the tools necessary for survival.  Personally, I benefited most from the realization that God has a GOOD PLAN for me, coming out the other side of my wilderness; that my being there is actually PART of His good plan.  To sense a purpose in this period of my life gives me strength to fight through it. “So take courage.  Keep moving forward.  The pain of the wilderness may be great, but greater still is its significance for your life.  The Promised Land awaits you…” (p 7)

Antony and the Johnson’s have always made music that I’ve found ethereal. I feel invested in the sound of most of their songs more than many other artists. I don’t feel like this is because of the slightly alienating “avant-garde”-ness of their marketing but because of the profoundly earnest lyrics and of course the voice.
Antony Hegarty creates waves in my soul.

Hope There’s Someone was the lead single from I’m A Bird Now which was released in 2005. The album explored transformation and a whole bunch of other stuff that I can’t explain in words. The music made me cry more than once. If the word epic was not so misused I would use it to describe the fullness and simultaneous emptiness of the sound. It was like listening to the sand moving in the desert. Vast.

Hope There’s Someone was for me, the most accurate way of describing my feelings on faith. Today I felt hopeful that I wasn’t alone. It describes simply and honestly the doubt that anyone might feel in believing in a benevolent God but paired with that doubt is hope. That direct expression of pure vulnerability is something I don’t think I’ll ever achieve. Just singing “I hope there is someone” or “I’m scared” within the complex imagery of the song is amazing. I am amazed.

After this day of soul searching I am glad I could turn to this song.

I hope you like it.

Love
J

We started on Wednesday and were finished by Friday, leaving me sore and tired and my daughter with a massive headache, the result of wielding a heavy roller on a long pole for hours on end. Sorry sweetheart.

Before I get to the grovelling and repenting, let me say I love Aura paint! It is a Benjamin Moore product, not cheap, but worth every cent. No need for primer and two coats more than covers. I chose matte finish because you can wipe it without leaving streaks. It completely hides existing imperfections that a glossier coat advertises: for instance, an eye-level paint ridge left over from a wallpaper border that was annoyingly visible under the last wall colour in an eggshell finish is now invisible under the matte finish.

Okay, so how is that book proposal coming? Ahem. Dang.

As I type, I am sitting in the green chair pictured here near the “blazing logs” (aka natural gas flame). Even though it is officially Spring, here in the eastern shadow of the Rockies March through May is when we get our biggest snowfall accumulation so a cheery flame is a welcome addition.

This cozy spot has beckoned me every morning where, warmed by the fire, I have sipped my tea and enjoyed my current Bible study. This morning’s portion from the online study of the book of Ephesians by Kathy Howard dealt with Paul’s prayer for the believers in Ephesus in chapter 3:14-21.

Some of Paul’s words really connected  with me today: I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Three moms have emailed me in the last few days requesting prayer for one of their adult children. All three have this in common — they feel desperate and betrayed by both the grown child and by God. All three of these moms are devout believers who have taken their faith walk seriously for decades. They are not saying they are going to throw away their faith because of this current storm, they are simply being honest about how they feel right now — scared and doubtful.

Can you relate? I can!

I have been there! And most likely I will be in their shoes several more times in my future. And so I will pray for them as others have prayed for me, using Paul’s words from Ephesians — that they will know His inner strength, that they will trust in Him, and that the roots that they have each been developing for decades will find life-giving nurture in the very heart of God and these roots will feed them with His love and the assurance that He is still in control even though the storms are raging in their families.

Is a family crisis shaking your faith right now? It’s okay to admit it if you feel afraid and doubtful. God can take it. Don’t suffer in silence. Ask for prayer. Be transparent. Invite some trusted friends to walk this journey of suffering with you.

At times, I’m going to be very blunt on this blog. I’m going to say things here that I would never say publicly. I want to be transparent because I believe someone reading this post may be exactly like me.

So who am I? Well, I’m 30 years old. I have no health issues (other than the imagined….or shall I say hopefully imagined ones that I think I have.) I am a graduate of a Top 25 university and also hold a Master Degree. I am good looking, am a great public speaker, I’m very funny….life is, well, good! See, I would never say those things in public, but I believe you need to know that in order to fully understand my situation.

So where did things start going wrong? Well, about 2 years ago, towards the end of my second year of graduate school I began to feel this uncomfortable feeling in my chest, almost like someone was mad at me and I was stressed at it. Quite the description, right?  Well this “feeling” continued for quite some time and it began to make me nervous. It was like this anxious feeling that I couldn’t shake. Then one morning I was reading the Bible (Lifelong Christian) and I had this  voice in my head that said, “you don’t believe this!.” Wow, I can’t begin to tell you how troubling that was because the voice was my own thoughts! That threw me into a panic and it upset me for weeks! I became obsessed with the idea that, perhaps, I doubted my faith!

Well, now I was dealing with this awkward anxious feeling in my chest on top of this new concern about my faith. Day after day I was now almost consumed with this anxious feeling and my doubt, praying for both to leave. Praying that tomorrow would be the day that I feel normal again. After essentially 8 weeks of worry, I finally opened up to a relative who was Psychologist and he explained to me that it was simple– it was stress from major life changes! Wow that its? You mean Im not crazy?  So what are those life changes? I would be starting a new job June (this was now May and the problem has been going on since March.) I was deciding about finally getting engaged. My entire schedule was about to change, and I would be going from a life of leisure to one of 9-5 commitment. So this made sense, I was stressed. And as soon as he told me that I felt better.

2 days later. ITS BACK! The doubt, the anxious feeling. Why is it back, I asked myself, we solved this problem I thought. Now I’m really worried. Now I’m thinking that there might be something wrong with me. I can remember exactly when my first major physical symptom occurred (aside from the worry and the doubt). I was at a party, and for some reason i just felt so anxious. My skin felt like it was crawling, I was withdrawn, and then all of a sudden BANG my vision started to go crazy! My eyes hurt, they felt out of focused, it was so strange and so SCARY.  Oh, I forgot to tell you I do suffer from Hypochondria.  So now my vision just went crazy out of the blue and my first thought? My first thought was about a recent relative who died of a brain tumor. This person lost their eye sight and the story was that she lost it due to stress. It turns out it was the tumor that effected her vision, but I was CONVINCED that it was stress, and now my stress has attacked my vision. PANIC.

After 2 weeks of vision hell, where I  felt dizzy and it hurt to read anything, I finally went to an Ophthalmologist. Guess what? My vision was perfect. Not only was it perfect, he was confused why i was wearing reading glasses, my vision was 20/15!

Well, the doctor said my vision is fine but its not. It still hurts and I’m still dizzy at times. Maybe it was because of my sinuses. I forgot to tell you that part! During this vision problem, my sinuses became completely blocked. They wouldn’t get better. I took 2 Z-Packs, a stronger antibiotic, but nothing seemed to be kicking this sinus infection. Finally went to an ENT and he said that it was Allergic Rhinitis and that antibiotics wouldn’t cure this issue, I’d need an antihistamine. After a few weeks of treatment, the issue got better.

But here was the problem. The vision….it still bothered me. I became obsessed that there was something wrong and the doctor missed it. The congestion? Sure, it was better……but still there. Why? It should be gone! And what the strangest thing was, each day that I went to work I felt awful! So nervous. I felt so much pressure to perform in this new environment. And that’s when it happened….

I googled my symptoms. Worst. Mistake. Ever.

A panic set over me. AIDS? MS? Lyme Disease? Cancer?….I settled on MS. It was MS. Oh gosh, no I have MS. Or maybe it was a brain tumor?

By now your probably saying, ” why don’t you just go to the doctor?” No way, because if I go to the doctor, that means I’m definitely sick!

So now weeks have passed. I’m worrying about my eyes, my congestion, this dizzy feeling i randomly get. I’m worry about everything. Its basically all I can think of. I’m at the beach TRYING to relax and what do I see? A floater! Where did that come from??????  I immediately google it and the first thing I see? MS! That’s it, that was the final nail in the coffin, I have MS. I’m going to die.  Oh wait, floaters can be from anxiety? Hmmm….well, I am anxious, but I think I’m only anxious because I have a disease! So, no it not anxiety its MS….or wait, is it DIABETES? Oh gosh, I have diabetes.

As the months continued on my symptoms racked up. Muscle tension, inner vibrations, dizziness, eye floaters, worry, etc etc.

Now its two years and I’m still here! I haven’t died yet! I am 90% convinced all of my problems are from anxiety and not an actual medical illness, so that’s a good thing. I’ve stopped, or at least, tried to stop worrying about the symptoms and I must say, they’ve decreased!

That was a long post, and it could have been longer, but its important to know the progression of anxiety and stress symptoms. Over the following months, I will write about various symptoms. What they felt like, when they would occur and how they made me feel.

Please feel free to comment about your own situation. I will interact when I can. I want this to be a calm environment, however. My worst nightmare was when I would read comments and someone would reference a rare disease. So let’s be realistic here– you, like me, realize that our problem is anxiety and not some illness. In our heart of hearts we truly believe that, but we need to beat that nagging doubt that, perhaps, its not anxiety and its something more serious. Lets take a deep breath and work through this together! God Bless

–Habakkuk 1:2

Why is my pain continuous, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? You have indeed become for me a treacherous brook, whose waters do not abide.

–Jeremiah 15:18

One thing that stands out to me about some of the prophets and other notable figures from the Bible is their humanness. That is, they weren’t plaster saints, and their faith and trust in God didn’t hum along smoothly all the time. Rather, they sometimes struggled heavily with doubts, fears, and even outright frustration with God. I actually find this reassuring, however, as it shows me I’m hardly the only believer whose spiritual life occasionally seems more like a roller coaster ride than a stroll along the “straight and narrow way.”

In the book of Jeremiah, for instance, we find the prophet at least a couple of times openly lashing out at God. He lets God know in blunt terms — one commentary I read remarked that Jeremiah even borders on outright blasphemy at one point — that he’s downright ticked off over the cards that God has dealt him. Jeremiah, in the verse quoted above, calls God a “treacherous brook,” meaning that he cannot count on God for help when he is need. Instead, he is like a thirsty man looking for water but finding only a dry stream bed. How many of you have ever felt that way? I sure have.

Right now I’m struggling a great deal in my faith. Years of emotional problems, loneliness, failures, shattered dreams, and certain besetting sins have left me feeling like poor Atlas with the weight of the world on his shoulders. I try to follow the advice of others to “let go and let God” or to offer my sufferings to God, but it all feels useless. Instead of finding consolation and hope in prayer, all I get from God is stone-cold silence. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the admonition that when we take our eyes off Jesus and look at the tempest around us, we sink like Peter did in the story from the Gospels. Yet when I try to look for Jesus, He’s made Himself scarce. I feel at times like Esau, begging his father Isaac for just one blessing; then I wonder if God has turned away from me like He did Esau. I wonder if I did something somewhere along the line to totally blow it with God, and He’s no longer interested in heeding my pleas.

Following the death of his wife, C.S. Lewis recorded his emotional and spiritual struggles in a short book entitled A Grief Observed. Some parts of it I can relate to quite well. For example, in one place he writes:

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels — welcomed with open arms. But g0 to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited. It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

…Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.’ 

I’ve previously shared on this blog about how I abandoned faith in God for a time, considering myself agnostic. Like Lewis, I don’t feel there’s any danger of my reverting to that. Instead, I have doubted God’s goodness. It’s as if I’ve been carrying on a “love-hate” relationship with God. Have any of you ever felt that way?

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be a lector at mass. Part of me doesn’t want to bother going, feeling that I’m either too unworthy or that I’m somehow being hypocritical by proclaiming God’s word when I’m so full fear and doubt and frustration. But I suppose I’ll go and muddle through the best I can. Maybe through the Eucharist I’ll have some grace imparted to me — and grace is probably the thing I need most.

Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God, that we might be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Yesterday, Laurie and I got out amongst nature – the first proper excursion in weeks, thanks to L’s workload and my constant bleeding. After hitting a physical low point, where the bleeding was becoming worryingly heavy and showing no sign of stopping, I returned to the Doctor and he persuaded me to dig out the Utovlan, yet again, and this time stick with it. What convinced me that it was worth another try was his honest admission that he had run out of options and that all that was left was cauterising the lining of my womb or hysterectomy. I went home and took the Utovlan!

Within three days the bleeding stopped and it has thankfully stayed that way. I was also sent for blood tests for anaemia and to check that I am clotting normally. For now, I am taking the pills and gradually building my strength back up after an exhausting few weeks.

Getting out for a good walk was bliss although very tiring. Despite not being quite up to par, it made such a difference being able to explore one of my favourite places for the first time this year. We walked down through the Devil’s Chimney – a steep, narrow rock cutting – and into the Bonchurch Landslip, following the path down into Luccombe Chine. Last year, the chine had a landslide and the steep steps down the ravine had severely shifted, the slippage revealing the beauty of the waterfall that tumbles through the chine’s centre down to the beach. After all the wet weather, another slide has taken a section of the steps out completely, a deep, muddy chasm now prevents anyone from reaching the wooden steps and boardwalks that lead down to the sea. In fact these hang loose over the most beautiful part of the waterfall. The path above the slip is leaning even more dramatically than usual, the wooden fence having fallen and hanging over the drop beneath.

It was frustrating not being able to make it down to the beach but wonderful just to be there, listening to the waterfall and the sea and staring up at the beautiful sheer edges of the chine, now fully visible in its winter state. The combination of the sounds and the physical exertion brought about a peaceful dreaminess and yet it was a strangely incomplete feeling because I am still experiencing a kind of spiritual crisis of belief. Normally, it is at such moments in nature that I feel most powerfully my connection to the Divine. At the moment, I am not even sure that the Divine exists – which is truly a shocking statement for me to make because I have never once felt this way in my life before – not even at my lowest points (maybe briefly once); whatever part of me that normally feels that connection is oddly very numb and I don’t fully understand why.

I have actually joked that maybe synthetic progesterone kills off the part of you that senses God/des in your life and being. It has been so strange how quickly these feelings have suddenly emerged. Trying to analyse these feelings at this point leaves me puzzled. I wonder whether I am just a little punch drunk from all the challenges of recent years and these past weeks have rather felt like the last straw. I have always tried to place the challenges and the loss in a spiritual context; I think a part of me is hacked off with doing this and frankly wants a break!

I am partly ashamed that I sound so whingeing and self-pitying and there is another more rational self that suspects that I need to find a more constructive way of dealing with this; that I have somehow not quite got the ‘technique’ of living perfected and that its all about changing my approach. The human, frail side of me wants to tell this rational side to ‘fuck off!!’. A more wise and compassionate side of me says that I need to have patience with my own frailty and confusion, to support and back myself through all of this. They are all grateful, however, to be having a break from the heavy bleeding that has dominated life of late. This is a blessing to be thankful for at least.

The man in my dream is right of course – I do need to do just as he says. Despite the spiritual doubts, I still feel sure that whatever is bubbling away on the inside will eventually surface and a greater clarity will come. It is an interesting place to be psychologically because, in many ways, I am being challenged to place faith in myself as never before. I have never been very good at this, a lack of confidence so often undermining my sense of self.-belief. Perhaps this is what this strange episode is all about – backing myself; acknowledging that I am good enough.

Stood suspended half-way down Luccombe Chine, unable to progress along the path, it occurred that my own strange suspension might force me to more closely examine where and who I am. The forces of nature moving powerfully and inexorable in the movement of earth and water, are ever present in Luccombe Chine, and despite the enormous upheaval and change of the place, I was able to stand and connect to the tremendous peace that is also there. This is all any of us can do when life’s changes stir us and leave us feeling uneasy or just plain tired. Life is both movement and peaceful stillness; we are all both propelled and centred. The trick amongst all this balancing and embracing of paradox is to be able to truly hear where it is that your soul is guiding you to…

Outside is form,

Inside is thought.

Deepest is the soul.   – Deng Ming-Dao