Hey Penguins! I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! We have released a New Club Penguin Music Video featuring the ClubPenguin ROCKZ Band Cookie6719, Orangejoe11, Descoteaux!  Enjoy the Video!

Club Penguin- Don’t be a Jerk(It’s Christmas)- Spongebob

Double click the video to watch it on YouTube and comment, rate, and subscribe!

If you celebrate Christmas what did you get from Santa, your friends, or family?

-Cloneguy800

P.S.- ClubPenguin ROCKZ Episode 14 will be released soon!

Remember a few days ago when we said we’d update later in that day?

We didn’t. Deal with it.

So, I heard that it’s Christmas or something. In celebration of this holiday, we’re gunna DO STUFF.

Stuff: Part 1

Leave a comment in the comments section of this post with a company/cause and we’ll randomly select two or three to display on the right and left hand sides of the site for the month of January. Take advantage of this FREE ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITY. You won’t be gettin’ no lovin’ from the Spectator as far as ads go until school starts up again, so you may as well go for this, you know?

Alternatively, you can e-mail us at yourboro@gmail.com with the information you want on your ad.

Stuff: Part 2

Are you an artist?
Do you know any artists that you feel should be put in the spotlight for their extra-ordinary artwork?

Are you a person who does things?
Do you know any people who do things that should be put in the spotlight for being good at being a person who does things?

Tell us about yourself, or tell us about your friend. We’ll do a whole big article about them.

Part three after this image of a page break in wrapping paper.

Guess what you just did? Helped donate.

We saw a month ago or so, some graphic design company (or something) was donating a dollar to the Sheldon Harmon memorial fund, for every fifty bucks of their merchandise you purchased or something.

Yeah, whatever.

Look at the pure talent this kid had.

We decided that we should probably donate to this same cause, but not benefit from it ourselves. Know what I’m saying?

We get about 300-500 unique hits a day. So what if we would donate a dollar for every 100 hits?

Geeze, guys. Where were you a year ago?

Hopefully it’d generate some buzz and you fools would invite your friends to check out the site. Thusly raising the amount we donate to the fund.

Not costing you a penny.

Man, we rule.

( This ends at the end of the day on Christmas. Unless we feel like it should keep going for no reason. In that case, It’ll probably end at the end of the month. We’ll see how it goes =] )

On the subject of animation, check out this new EMTA commercial by the students in our 3d animation classes:

Better or worse than the batman animation from last year?

http://yourboro.wordpress.com/2009/04/11/jeremy-brown-batman-video/

A post about animation and Christmas would feel incomplete without throwing this out here:

Merry Christmas everyone!

sometimes when you look around enough you can find a good deal or two. The bread box I bought today for $50 was the worst purchase I’ve made all year. At fifty cents each, these were some decent finds. merry christmas to me and sam. click on the cover of REACH THE ROCK to download, or buy one for yourself HERE- 

and, for anyone that’s interested in spending an hour or so being amused (sam says you should be interested), the Spongebob dvd can be bought HERE.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? None other than SpongeBob SquarePants, the hapless yellow sponge whose hilarious antics have been entertaining Nickelodeon viewers, young and old, for 10 years!

Earlier this month, to celebrate the show’s 10^th anniversary, the Simmons Jewelry Co. and Nickelodeon/Viacom Consumer Products announced the debut of the SpongeBob Fine Jewelry Collection – fashionable dog tags, rings, necklaces, earrings, and bracelets  – on Zales.com and at select Zales stores nationwide.

The SpongeBob Fine Jewelry Collection is crafted from sterling silver and Swarovski™ crystals and is absolutely adorable! And, with prices ranging from only $95-$350, they’re definitely in my holiday budget!

The SpongeBob Ice Square Pendant is one of my favorite pieces in the collection. This pendant had dozens of sparkling, hand set Swarovski™ crystals which are used to recreate SpongeBob’s infectious grin. The sterling silver pendant includes a trendy 22″ sterling bead chain with a spring-ring clasp. This is one of the more expensive pieces in the collection at $350, but guaranteed to make you smile!

A slightly more refined piece is the SpongeBob Seaflower Pendant, pictured. This 18-karat yellow gold plated sterling silver seaflower silhouette necklace is an iconic element in the world of Bikini Bottom, however, it is so stylized that you could wear it to the office, tongue planted firmly in cheek! This pendant includes an 18″ sterling silver chain with a claw clasp (my personal favorite, because they are so easy to use). Only $95.

Great companions to the Seaflower Pendant are the SpongeBob Seaflower Earrings. These 18-karat yellow gold plated sterling silver seaflower silhouettes are suspended by wire backs and are just $125.

But these are only a few of the great styles by Simmons Jewelry. Check out the entire line at Zales.com.

SpongeBob Jewelry? I’m ready…I’m ready…I’m ready….

Do you like SpongeBob, and you want to have a restaurant or work on it? Then, here is a game for you, folks. Help our dear sponge, SpongeBob Squarepants save Bikini Bottom from Sharkey’s doom.

This game is a Diner Dash-like game where you need to serve costumers, but this is more extreme. You have 5 restaurants to work with and need to collect money to save Bikini Bottom from Sharkey’s devilish idea. Sorry, because this game is from iWin, the game is buggy and with advertisements. But it’s completely free.

DOWNLOAD NOW (4shared.com mirror)

I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift and I am not at all surprised that she talks about fairy tales so often. They are an important aspect of human culture. They provide an easy way to teach lessons to children.

If any of you are surprised by this you must not be a parent. Parents know that their children don’t give a damn what they say, but will imitate Spongebob almost immediately.

So why are some fairy tales (and fables for that matter) more popular than others? I for example have never heard the story of “Stone Soup” but can tell you exactly what happens in Cinderella. I’m sure this is partly because I was raised on Disney movies. But even without Disney some fables have more staying power than others.

If you guys have some kind of hypothesis as to why this is, please share it. I am genuinely interested but beware, I do not tolerate bullshit.

For the rest of you: write a fairy tale (or fable). And since I will probably never see it, it can be as crude or family-friendly as you want as long as it teaches something.

Market Place Pawforming Arts Center Town Square

Pawlette’s Boutique

Boardwalk

The Reward is a rainbow move much like spongebob’s imagination move

Sebenernya buat 60 cupcakes dgn edible dan buttercream siy gak lama2 amat tapiiiii.. oven yg baru blm bs d ajak kerjasama,masih belum kenalan,masih asing.. Cupcakesnya gagal smua huuhuhuh.. Akhirnya buat adonan lagi (sampe abisin 2 kg telur dgn sia2) dan bake di oven yg lama..
Duh,kalo inget2,kesel bgt,udah d ubun2,gara2 tuh oven baru,keseeellll bangetttt!!!!

Mudah2an cupcakesnya tetep enak deh walo yg buat kue lagi senewen

Happy birthday..

PharaOm - French, and a lover of fine Watermelon.

After impressing us deeply with his latest release “Awakening Bodhisattva” on UAF Records – The Doof Review did the only decent thing and pestered him for an exclusive interview!  We caught up with PharaOm over email to chew the Khat about his life, influences, creative process and what the future holds for this bright, young star of the New Goa scene.

So,  PharaOm, could you give us a little background about yourself?  Where are you from originally?  Where do you live now?  How old are you? Do you have any pets?  Girlfriend?

My real name is Oswald Pfeiffer. I was born in 1990 in Paris, France. I still live at the same place, today.  I’ve got a pet, a big and cute cat that I love a lot! Cats are my favorite pets actually, because they are quiet and lonely, like myself. Right now, I don’t have girlfriend, but who knows what the future holds!

When did you first discover Psytrance music, can you remember the first time you heard it – do you remember the track?

I’ve been listening  to Trance music since 2007 but I really discovered Goa, one year later. There were 3 tracks that really influenced me during this time:  DJ Yann – Different Velocity, Infected Mushrooms – Never Ever Land, Astral Projection – People Can Fly.  Then I heard the VA album “Apsara”, from Suntrip Records. This one brought the ultimate knockout punch which I needed to become sick fan of Goa Trance.

What is it that you like about the old Goa sound that inspired you to write the Awakening – Bodhisattva EP, in that style?

I’ve always been attracted by mysticism, surrealism, spirituality … This style of music gives a sound that immerses the listener in the depths of this universe. Like a mental trip into an altered dimension.  In my opinion, unlike Psytrance, Full-on, or even Darkpsy, which try mostly to experiment with a distortion of reality, goa provides a very visual and colorful atmosphere. That’s what I like most, this evasive side, and that’s why I’m making goa trance today.

Just say N2O to dirty rugs.....

Which other Goa / Psytrance producers have been inspirations to you?

I must say that many artists have inspired me to create this EP, I think especially of :  Amithaba Buddha, Ka-Sol, Khetzal, Pan Psychic, RA, Drop & Dash and Injection, for his sick track “Alice in Wonderland”.

Outside of the Goa / Psytrance sound are there any other musicians / genres that really inspire you to write the music you do?

Sure! I like a very broad selection of music styles. I like ambient, IDM, drum n bass, experimental, lounge, electro, classical (especially organ), metal, punk, rock, world music… Jazz and hip hop sometimes… I really enjoy video game music too, like chip tunes. It reminds me my childhood, haha!  By the way, my favorite artist/group of all time, out from trance, are :  Static X, Aphex Twin, Amon Tobin, Slipknot, Papa Roach and Brian Eno.

Tell us about your label, who are they?  How did you come into contact with them?

One day, a little rascal called Nikola Petrović A.K.A. Imba added me on messenger. He took my email address on myspace. We talked together during several months and when he created his own label, he suggested I join him in his project by producing a free EP. Naturally, I accepted his proposition with a lot of enthusiasm!  The label is called UAF for “Underground Alien Factory”. (www.uafrecords.tk).  Imba created it in October 09, with the support of Gai Edri (The Wonderboy). Christoph Mitsch (Nolax) and Aleksandar Popović (CoaGoa) are working with Imba on managing. My EP is the third release of UAF, the first ones were made by SETI project and Goalogy, two great artists I have to say!

Underground Alien Records - UAF Records

What was the reason behind releasing your album on a creative commons licence instead of trying to sell it as a paid single?  Do you think this has been a more successful way of getting your name into the public arena?

UAF choose to spread his music free on the web, because the only aim of this label is to produce a maximum of good music made by talented young artists. To unite people around the passion of goa trance!  I don’t want and I don’t need to make money with my music right now.  I just want people to listen and to enjoy my music, and let them know that Goa is still alive and full of unexplored lands.  Only a few people can make money with Goa, and that’s great. Goa is still underground, it’s outside from the commercial movement, and that’s why it’s so powerful, people make it for love of music, not for love of money.

What do you think the future of Psytrance music holds, especially the future of the Nu-Goa trance sound?

I don’t give a fuck about all the commercial ways that can follow Psytrance, or about the different new forms that it can take to seduce more people. If someone can love an old psy track, with just a tb-303 bassline and some weird fx on a fat kick, he’s aware of the true essence of Trance. Indeed, I prefer that a small group of persons listen to this music and be able to understand it, rather than distort it by making it popular!  Concerning Goa especially, I’ve got the feeling that it takes a good direction. More and more great artists emerge, with new sounds, new concepts, without going against the original spirit of goa trance. I think for example to my friend Agneton, which, for me, gave a second life to the Nitzhonot movement…

Tell us about your creative process, how do you get ideas for tracks and how do they evolve to be your final musical creations ?

Well it depends! Mostly, I’m making music 1 or 2 hours by day for fun. I’ve got hundreds of unfinished projects on my computer!  But sometimes, the real inspiration comes out. In these moments, my brain is like overflowed, I’m working almost instinctively, and very quickly. After this short period, I’ve got the skeleton of my track, generally. I can end the whole track only 2 or 3 days after, or leave it aside for a moment and finish it several month later!  But I can’t work on the same track during a month nonstop, for me if you think too much in music, the heart of the song will go.

What equipment and software are you using currently, is there anything you really enjoy / consider key to getting your unique sound?  Do you have any favourite plugins etc?

The only hardware that I used is a digital recorder. I use it when I need to record something like a voice or a noise… I’m working exclusively on FL Studio 8, it’s the best software for producing trance for me, because it has a very instinctive feel!  For Yamantaka and White Tara, I used mostly a Tb-303 clone, with a lot of weird effects on it. I found that this kind of sliding acid sound was really effective on the tribal beat.  In Awakening Bodhisattva, for the melodies which arrived during the second break, and I’m sure that this is the thing that people like so much in this song, I used Surge.  That’s all I can say, I’ve got to keep my secrets haha! But seriously, I don’t really have any key to make my “unique sound” as you say, I’m just creating what I like!

The TB-303 - An essential element of the PharaOm sound.

Do you have any formal musical training; can you play any “real” instruments?

As I wanted to know how to play a real instrument, I took up guitar few months ago, and I like it a lot!

What are your plans for the future?  Where do you see your music / career in five years time?  Do you have any new music coming out soon?

We don’t know what the future brings! I’m making music because I have to, I don’t know why. Art, including music, cannot be clearly explained, I think…  For the moment, I’m working very hard on a VS album with my great friend Christophe Grossel (Somnesia). We have great hopes for this project!
I’m also working on two other projects:

A drum’n'bass/ambient/experimental project, wich can be found at www.myspace.com/oswaldpfeiffer
A Dark/Night trance project, which is based on the fantastic at www.myspace.com/Baronsamddi

Of course, I’m still producing pure goa tracks at the same time. PharaOm will never die!

Tell us the top five tunes on your iPod at the moment?

Pan Psychic – In Suspend
Agneton – Eyes Wide Open
Spacetime Continuum – A Low Frequency Inversion Field
Jimmy Hendrix – Little Wing
Static X – Shadow zone

What’s your favourite fruit and why?

What a strange question haha! By the way, I eat a lot of fruit, because I love what’s healthy.  Watermelon rules, because it’s fresh. And pineapple too, because SpongeBob is living inside!

SpongeBob - He's fresh and tasty with the Goa trance massif!

And finally is their anyone you want to send a “big up” or “shout out” to, in conclusion?

First I want to thank you Quark, for your support and your attention !  I would like to thank UAF, especially Imba of course. And all my music mates : Somnesia, Vassilis, Mind portal, Amithaba Buddha, Agneton, Davis Kay, Ajna… Sorry if I forget some of you guys!  Thanks to Google Translate too, for helping me to answer to all these questions, haha!

Bye bye!

• Underground Alien Factory Records
• Discogs

Spongebob Squarepants Creature from the Krusty Krab . SpongeBob SquarePants: Creature From the Krusty Krab Wii Play as SpongeBob SquarePants and embark on a series of fantastic tales through nine visually unique levels. Bikini Bottom will never be the same! SpongeBob SquarePants:Creature from the Krusty Krab brings the number 1 kids gaming franchise and TV property into the bizarre and unusual, introducing never-before-seen art styles and brand new gameplay mechanics that will change your perception of Bikini Bottom forever!

I love this game. In SpongeBob’s Atlantis SquarePantis , SpongeBob and Patrick stumble upon the lost magical amulet that will take them to the legendary city of Atlantis. Players will join them and the rest of their Bikini Bottom pals as they ride in a magical bus for a soaking new adventure. Hoping to uncover the treasures of Atlantis in order to fulfill SpongeBob’s dream of finding the “World’s Oldest Bubble,” players will control whether the city brings everything he desires, or if Plankton’s evil plan will burst his bubble.
Features:

1. Play the entire, brand-new Atlantis SquarePantis TV episode.
2. Explore the lost city of Atlantis and meet its wacky inhabitants.
3. Play as SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Plankton.
4. Awesome action-packed levels with unlockable objectives:- Invade Atlantis in the mighty Super-Scooper Tank – Get cultured by creating high art with Squidward – Sing your heart out to power the magic bus to Atlantis
5. Unlockable bonus features include:- “Director’s Commentary” on the game by SpongeBob himself- Exciting multi-player mini-games in the Amoeba Arcade- Customize SpongeBob with stylish outfits and accessories.

I have just quadrupled my love for strikegently.com. The site has posted the first season of DOUG. This is for  all of you 90’s babies because I know you can appreciate this. We all remember the good ole’ days when we could watch Nickelodeon for hours on end filled with shows like Doug,Salute Your Shorts, My Brother And Me, Are You Afraid of The Dark?, the list goes on and on.

I really wish that Nickelodeon would start showing these shows just like they do with Home and Improvement and The Nanny. I really can’t believe that there is no where for you to get a dvd of Doug or any of these other shows. I don’t think that the company realizes hwo much money they will make if they do so. I can imagine that atleast 60% of teens who were born in the 90’s would buy DVD’s of the shows, and even some parents of teens who have little kids now will buy them. My mother even remembers how she would sit with me and watch Are You Afraid of The Dark and Doug ad love it.

These are the type of shows that children need now a days. Although they do have shows like Spongebob and Wonderpets, for those adolescents who are between the ages of 8-11 they could appreciate these shows that we loved when we were that young. I guess it’s hard to think in the mind frame of kids now because some of them have their first cell phones and own laptops by 10 or 11 and have lost the sense of childhood that we all tried to hold onto for as long as possible. I actually feel bad for this generations kids. Although I guess it’s cool to grow up in the technological “boom” or what have you, I couldn’t imagine not growing up in the time that I did and having to compete with my mom’s blackberry for attention.

As part of the on-going 10th year anniversary celebration of SpongeBob SquarePants, Nooka and Nickelodeon teamed up to create three unique, limited edition Nooka timepieces. The collaborative watch will be available exclusively via the Nooka website. Beginning December 16th, any purchases of one of the three limited edition Nooka x SpongeBob watches will include a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD set. Quantities are limited, with only 50 of these special holiday packages available for sale to the US and Canada.

via Format

Get your Euro on with this ridiculous helmet for your moped or motorcycle. You’ll probably cause more accidents than prevent with this helmet on, but you’ll have your eyes glued intently on the road ahead as other people stare. This is to celebrate the 10th Anniversary of SpongeBob and is a very limited release of only 200 available at where else Colette.

05-24-09

Sunday

Church day!  On my way to meet Bo for church I saw a man in his 70s wearing a Suicidal Tendencies hat.  Suicidal Tendencies is the name of a band.  I’m not a huge fan of the band only being familiar with their song on guitar hero, but I know enough to be sure that 70-year old Korean men are not their demographic.  He he he, silly Korea.

After church we spent the day together, talking, cooking, eating.  Emi was in town for one more day, but we hadn’t planned on seeing her, which she didn’t mind.  So we went about the day just enjoying each other and it wasn’t until we went on a walk after dinner that we thought better of it.  We realized we were being selfish and lazy, and became determined to resolve the situation and find Emi at all costs before she went back to Japan.  I mean, come on, how often does a friend visit from Japan?  You have to take advantage of that stuff and enjoy the time with your friend to the fullest.  So we hightailed it back home and split up the jobs of calling and doing internet research to find her.  We knew the name of the hotel but not the number and we also knew she had a massage appointment at 10 PM so there was a time limit to consider.

We knew she was in the Myeong Dong area which has a lot of shopping and some more of the high end stores.  It’s supposedly the best shopping in Seoul, and maybe even, Korea.  So we headed to that area and en route, Bo put in a few Korean calls to the front desk of her hotel.  Of course she wasn’t there!  So, we got there and went to the hotel.  No dice!  We left a message with the front desk and wrote a note on a piece of paper for her to call us, and put it on her room door.  Even the front desk guy said he would wave the local call charges if she used the phone to call us.  Then we went and had some fried rice with chicken.  It was spicy and delicious.  It’s hard to get chicken anything in this city.

Eventually Emi called (yay! take that guilt) and we met up.  But on the way, Bo thought we should get her a gift.  That Bo’s always thoughtful.  Well Emi is a Spongebob fan so we found a vendor with pans and shorts depicting the character.  We decided on a pair of shorts, but found they were the same price as the pants.  That didn’t make sense, so we haggled (in English).  Haggling is a given anyway in a market setting, but for some reason the guy said, “no discount.”  Well Bo had it in her head that we were only going to pay a certain price and I had out that amount of money.  The weird part was, the vendor and his partner (I think it was his Mom) were going to turn down a sale instead of going down to a reasonable price.  What I didn’t notice at first was that Bo was not speaking Korean to this guy, she just kept trying to give him the money (at the price we wanted) and saying, “okay, thank you” over and over.  He would say “no discount” and she would respond with handing him the money and saying, “okay, thank you.”  Finally it worked, and laughing the guy took the money and we high tailed it out of there laughing ourselves.  I had no idea Bo could be so devious, but she played the part of the what? ignorant foreigner (I suppose they might have thought she was from Japan or China ) very well.

I know that there are many oddities housed in the world wide web. However, there are some things that are still able to surprise me to this day. I stumbled across Star Trek cologne while searching for gifts in Amazon.com. I’m not quite sure how it popped it up as I was searching for “toys for 3-year old girls” but regardless, it did. The cologne was also featured in this month’s Maxim magazine along with two others. I decided to investigate them further.

3.) Spiderman Cologne
Price: $29.50
Amazon.com

Coming in at a mind-boggling $30, the Spiderman cologne touts itself as having “notes of bergamot, petitgrain, orange blossom, with woody tones complimented with a touch of vanilla and musk.” That is quite a few flavors for everyone’s favorite neighborhood Spiderman. The company that produced this also makes an Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, and Wolverine scent. I’d imagine that Wolverine scent smells like the inside of a hobo’s pocket.

At any rate, the bottle is at least pretty spiffy. If you’re into collecting cologne bottles I suppose.

2.) Spongebob Squarepants Men’s Cologne
Price: $25.00
Amazon.com

Billing itself as having come from a “men’s design” house, I’m rather shocked that anyone would buy this. What child needs cologne and what adult (lacking a mental disorder) is wearing a fragrance based off an underwater sponge? As with nearly every other cologne on the planet, the Spongebob Squarepants brand bills itself as being  “fruity,  refreshing and [containing an] aroma of citrus.”

Sadly, I was unable to find any reviews which leads me to one of two conclusions: 1.) No one is actually buying this junk or 2.) No one will admit to buying this junk.

1.) Star Trek Tiberius Men’s Cologne
Price: $29.99
Amazon.com

The ultimate in nerddom, Tiberius boasts that is a long lasting fragrance for men. What kind of men? Well….”Explorer. Soldier. Time-Traveler. diplomat. Legend. Captain James Tiberius Kirk.” The promo further states that this cologne is a “casual yet commanding [scent] spiked with freshness and sensuality. Citron, black pepper, and cedar create refreshingly clear top notes, layered over warm vanilla, white musk and sandalwood base notes.” I’m a tad bit worried that this much though when into something that should essentially be nothing more than a novelty.

However, one loyal Trekkie gushes: “I bought this product after smelling it at a retail store. It smells just like a brand-name cologne, although which one escapes me, but it comes with certified geek credibility and isn’t quite as expensive.” He also mentions that “I have the other two Star Trek colognes and while I do have to admit it’s the weakest of the three, it’s far from a bad scent and I have gotten compliments on it.” Which begs the question….they made three different scents of Star Trek? Oh my…

-Chad 2

my recent love life has been using me as a punching bag. it’s so brutal. when you’re down on the floor, naked, holding your head in your hands and tightening your soul to hold back a scream, you know you’re in too deep. recovery is such a pill.

i snorted coke for the first time yesterday. and even though i’ve showered, brushed my teeth and changed my clothes since, i’m still getting whiffs of it here and there. it’s not bad though. after each line, i felt so awake and like i had the best night’s sleep. but it’s fucking expensive.

i got to hold the prettiest snake yesterday. i forgot what it’s called, but it was pretty thick around and maybe three feet long. my friend matt’s seriously thinking about getting one. he wants to name it robert, but i think that’s boring. i told him to name it cleopatrick.

i was in a dance competition yesterday. we were playing cosmic bowling and the dj called for people to enter in a dance competition at one point, and my friends dragged me up, but i wasn’t too embarrassed or anything. i love dancing. but the song they played was so boring and repetitive, it was hard to show off my best stuff. there was eight of us to being with, and i was the fourth one to get eliminated, but it was bullshit because the three girls that remained had all their friends rooting for them, and the people that voted me out weren’t even looking at me. but whatevs, i had fun dancing by our own lane while waiting for my turn.

i was drinking from one in the afternoon to two this morning and woke up with a decent hangover, so today all i’ve done so far is order dominos pizza and watch spongebob and goodfellas.

For this week’s Musical Monday, here’s  Spongebob’s “Don’t Be A Jerk, It’s Christmas.” 

We heard it for the first time on Nick the other day and have been playing it ever since!  Love it and what a great message!  Don’t be a jerk people . . . it’s Christmas!!  Great video too.

Enjoy!

Christmas Is A Time For Presents And Mistletoe,

Sharing And Caring.So During This Most Festive Season …Please, Don’t Be A Jerk!

Bring “Joy To The World”

It’s The Thing To Do

But The World Does Not Revolve Around You

Don’t Be A Jerk, It’s Christmas!

There’s A Sign Above The Line That Says “Express

“That Means “Ten Items Or Less”Don’t Be A Jerk,

It’s Christmas!

Be Nice To Babies And Animals, Old Folks Too’

Cause That’s How You’d Like Them To Treat You

Use Turn Signals, Don’t Screen My Calls

Don’t Cha Wreck The House When You Deck The Halls!

Spit Your Gum Where It Won’t Wind Up On My Shoe

Squeeze Toothpaste From The Bottom Of The Tube

Don’t Be A Jerk, It’s Christmas!

When Others Are Talking Never Interrupt

Don’t Put People Down Or Leave The Toilet Seat Up

It’s The Time For Family And Holly And Turkey

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly Not Jerky!(Jolly Not Jerky!)

Don’t Dig In The Cereal Box For Goodness Sakes

Take The Prize And Leave Me Nothing But Flakes

Don’t Be A Jerk, It’s Christmas!

Santa Brought Nearly Everything On Your List

Why Whine About The One That He Missed?

Don’t Be A Jerk, It’s Christmas!

Don’t Be A Jerk, It’s Christmas!

Ah. If only I were available; and if only he were HIM, which he’s not, since HE is not HERE, and HE … well, that’s another blog post, and frankly, none of your beeswax, anyway.

Still. It was nice – I think – being called a ninja.

Considering when I met him, I was shouting: “You suck!” at him.

I had an excuse. The house in which I live here in California is a virtual palace: in addition to all the black leather furniture, the stone floors, the decks festooning every outdoor wall, and the pool house – which houses, ha-ha, not only an in-ground pool and Jacuzzi, but also a pool table – AND an arcade, an air hockey table, a fuzball table, and other fun-fun-fun activities…

… but also the crappiest television service I’ve ever endured.

This would NOT be so terrible if I did not have two daughters, 13, and 10, who live with me in tranquil nowhere, and when they are bored, expecting me to be “Julie McCoy, their cruise director,” because apparently horses to ride, miniature horses to visit, three and half-acres (with a pond) to stroll around on, and the aforementioned Pool House of Joy are not QUITE as entertaining as, say, iCarly, or SpongeBob.

So there were actually two gentlemen – and gentlemen they were, indeed, to suffer such abuse at the hands of a tiny, leather-clad loudmouth, when all they really did was politely inquire:

“Excuse me: may we ask what service you use for your TV?”

Which triggered extreme wrath indeed, and the following blast, when I spotted their spiffy little “DirectTV” shirts.

“I have DirectTV, and you SUCK,” I said.

Loudly.

Maybe, kinda, too loudly.

To their credit, they were shocked and dismayed, instead of outraged and defensive, which, also frankly, (apparently Today’s Word Of The Day) would have been MY reaction.

The tall, blonde DirectTV guy, about six feet, six inches tall – putting him at about a foot and a half taller than myself,  bent slightly over me apologetically, with a dash of defensiveness.

“Well,” he said, “all you had to do was call 1-800-DIRECTTV.”

Still enraged, I stared back, eye to, well, chest. “How would I KNOW that? Is it on the screen, at night, when it would be a smart time to LET me know? When I might be inclined to order? Like I said. You SUCK.”

His babyface fell.  “You can call them right NOW,” Blonde Jock suggested helpfully.

“YOU call,” I dared him, crossing my arms over my chest.

Charmingly, he took my dare.

“I will,” he said, pulling out his flip phone.

And he DID.

(Later, the ex-footballer confessed, after we became Lifelong Friends For Five Minutes, he’d always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance. “Good choice,” I advised him, “You’ll get laid for the rest of your life.”)

Between the two of them, we got my service upgraded to the next level, easily and quickly. The only potential glitch was the customer service phone rep was Southern, and started out a little brusque, but that was easily dispatched when I laid on the Georgia sugar: that is, calling him “sir” (he was obviously older than I was) and deliberately mentioning my other home in Rocky Plains.

Amazing how things go smoother south of the Mason-Dixon line when you’re “from around there.”

It WAS funny watching the DirectTV Duo listen to me switch up accents quicker – and way better – than Angelina Jolie or Meryl Streep.

By now, we were all great friends; I’d pulled out my iPhone with the graffiti cover for admiration, as well as my ever-present Leatherman, for further admiration. (Blonde Jock is planning to get the iPhone soon, as was intrigued with my mirrored privacy cover.)

And, of course, anyone with a penis is always intrigued by a genuine Leatherman.

(If you don’t know what the Leatherman tool is, http://www.leatherman.com/)

ANYWAY…

After show and tell, the conversation turned to the fact I’d just been run over by a truck, which was true.

“So, you’re like, a ninja,” said one of them, in an impressed whisper.

Ninja? Aren’t ALL moms?

“I wish you were MY girlfriend,” he said, in a sort of awestruck tone. “Or that you could train my NEXT girlfriend.”

Thinking this would be a good time for me to mount my white steed Silver and “Hi-Ho” off into the sunset, since any time any conversation veers even remotely into the territory of “can I have your number?” or “girlfriend” or even “what’s your name?” I tend to get a bit skittish, I laughed and said there was fudge calling me at the front of the store (which indeed there was) and waved good-bye – where, in fact, the sistah selling the chocolate pound of wonder and delight even walked me to the very front of the line. How cool is that?

Ninja?

Nah. Just a woman, following the Secret, Closely-Guarded Girl Manual.