Recently someone asked me what does “Christmas” mean to me. I did not answer them because I had no idea what “Christmas” meant for me. I knew that “Christmas” and holidays in general do not feel particularly good to me.

However, in my parents’ house, there is a fireplace and it is not a “real” fireplace because you do not light anything. You just press a button to turn it on. So you do not smell the fiery goodness of hear the crackling sound of the wood. In addition, most importantly you do not feel warmth from it.

It seems as though my fireplace and holidays are very similar. In my family it is about being fake, putting on a happy face when all is tumbling down inside. Material things tend to solve everyone in my families problems. Holidays seem to represent artificial things.

However, this year I am not going to pretend everything is all pretty and nice. I do not have to physically hug anyone unless I want to. I am not going to wear those ugly sweaters and those matching outfits. I am the real deal. In addition, any holiday is not going to turn us all fake.

I am not going to ruin anyone else’s holiday by my choice to renounce conformity. I am actually going to make my holiday more enjoyable and tolerable for me. After all, it is just a day. However, it is a day that has so many feelings surrounding it.

I hope everyone who is hurting during this holiday season finds light and stays safe.

The past few days I have really been missing things. Missing the old life. Not that it was particularly good but I did not feel anything. I was numb to everything.

However, now I feel lots of “feelings” and I am not comfortable with them. I asked my therapist the other day “how do I go back to numb?” I have no idea when or why my “feelings” turned on. It seems like one day I woke up and I felt everything.

These “feelings” cause me to change my clothes a lot because nothing feels right against my skin. I change everything even if its 3am. It takes me hours to get ready and my room and closet are constantly trashed.

 I cannot eat food that is certain colors because of these “feelings”. Everything I drink has to come from a straw.

These “feelings” have caused me to question my sexual orientation. As, I have male parts who are attracted to females and female parts attracted to males. In addition, a few parts who are attracted to their same gender. This just makes life more complicated and confusing. I am not really sure what or who I am.

These “feelings” make water come out of my eyes. In addition, making it so difficult to touch anyone.  I really just want to hold someone’s hand right now but because of these “feelings”, I cannot.

Christmas is less than a week away. And I have these “feelings”.

The concept of acceptance and belonging may go hand and hand. One may get the feeling of acceptance from belonging somewhere. However, for trauma survivors both belonging and acceptance can be nonexistent.

All of our lives we may feel as though we never belong anywhere, possibly always feeling like the outside, the odd man out or the alien. Through ones healing journey they may try to relinquish those feelings.

When I first learned my multiplicity was a “disorder”, I entered a trauma specific program. I had many symptoms for a while as a result of my childhood trauma. Nevertheless, when I would have a flashback I was always viewed as totally “abnormal”. 

I am very self-conscious about my flashbacks because I always feel disruptive. Other trauma survivors in the program started talking about how disruptive I was to the program, which I totally understand because I would feel the same way.

However, what happened next I do not understand, I was forced to leave by the therapists and the psychiatrist. There was no discharge plan done, I had no therapist at the time and had nowhere to go.

I asked for a reason why and was told, “I did not belong in the trauma program”.

I also had a similar experience on a trauma inpatient unit. I was denied admission because “the treatment team did not think that I belonged there”. I have always felt that I never belonged anywhere and my experience with these confirmed my feelings. Even in trauma specific treatment programs I did not belong.

I have been thinking about this lately as I formulate plans for my career. I think that multiples deserve excellent high-class treatment facilities. We deserve to have the best food, therapists and equine therapy. In addition, we deserve to have the option of residential treatment.

Multiples deserve to feel accepted in programs that are designed for trauma disorders.

With that said, I have some really big ideas for a treatment facility that I am designing in the near future. I cannot disclose all of the details but it is going to be a ranch. It will be either a low cost or a totally free facility. In addition, I have been developing a new model of treatment. I feel that many psychological perspectives could be implemented in my model.

I am excited to see what happens. I may not be able to change to world but I can try to change a little piece of it.

This is an article that I have written for print publication. Any feedback would be appreciated.

2009 has been a strange year for carriers providing last mile DSL access. Back in January in the midst of the recession there were worrying times being forecast for carriers as they struggled to get to grips with the financial downturn. With networks struggling to plug widening deficits, previously planned network expansion was put to one side, as capital was shunted to other areas seen as more important to stopping the rot.

At the turn of the year, there were 4 main wholesale DSL carriers: BT Wholesale, Cable and Wireless, the Carphone Warehouse Group and Tiscali. Due to the recession, BT Wholesale were stalling with the roll out of 21CN, Cable and Wireless were just re-entering the channel after a strategic exit only a few years back, Tiscali were involved in a very public tug-of-war between Sky, Vodafone and the Carphone Warehouse Group whilst the latter themselves had only just entered the wholesale market via their wholly owned subsidiary Opal Telecom. As the year progressed and we started to move towards a brighter financial climate, the industry took a marked turn for the better. Many people debate about the exact period when we started to look more optimistically at the future. However I believe that when Brown put the ball in the court of the Telco’s by stating that the infrastructure behind Digital Britain would spur growth in the economy, there was a paradigm shift, as the masses adopted what we had already realised; that telecommunications was a fundamental component to the kick-start of the British economy.

Throughout the course of the year, the broadband landscape has changed considerably. The main difference being the acquisition of Tiscali into the Carphone Warehouse group and their subsequent ambitious plans for 2010. Whether they will demonstrate the traditional pains of large scale acquisition traditionally felt by other large carriers such as Tiscali and C&W is yet to be seen. BT Wholesale has also started to gain traction with 21CN and in particular their WMBC offering. Cable and Wireless can also pat themselves on the back as having a fairly successful year, as they managed to win the Tesco contract, whilst deploying their much heralded MSP platform. However one of the big changes to the market has been the introduction of BE into the wholesale arena.

BE have always had a very compelling consumer offering; being the first to market with Annex M ADSL2+, whilst having one of the largest coverage areas of the tier 1 DSL networks. With a topology designed to underpin high bandwidth usage, they were setup from the onset to provide ADSL2+ to their subscribers. BE have entered in a very timely fashion. One of the key topics of the year has been the increased financial burden of bandwidth costs on service providers due to applications such as iPlayer and Pirate Bay. This has led to in depth debates including key industry and government personnel about how best to manage the use of bandwidth intensive applications. Solutions such as bandwidth caps, application charges and even application restrictions were mooted. Due to their mesh dark fibre-based VPLS core, BE can legitimately claim to provide solutions future-scaled to support the continued rise in bandwidth by end users. Also with a commercial model that alleviates central based usage charges, they’ve provided a low cost-of-entry into the ADSL2+ market for channel partners.

As we move into 2010, the wholesale broadband market is much changed from that of 12months prior. Both Carphone Warehouse and 21CN have ambitious growth targets planned for 2010. The latter introducing wholesale Ethernet-in-the-first-mile and fibre-to-the-cabinet trials. Many people have stated that the window of opportunity for new wholesale partners is fast closing due to this. However in my position, the consolidation in the industry has reached a natural plateau, with all the main DSL carriers now proving to be more mature in systems interface, product portfolio and commercial model used. Even BE as the new player can be seen to have an edge in some aspects of their proposition. By using ISAMs (Intelligent Service Access Managers) at the exchange with the capability of terminating Ethernet and seamlessly training the DSL to work at its optimum performance (known as seamless rate adaption) they have made the step to solidify their position as a force in the market both now and for the future. By also providing unparalleled visibility and control of their ISAMs to all service providers, they have allowed tecchies to fault find, diagnose and alleviate traditional 3rd line issues, which in turn has led to a vast reduction in the number of support tickets raised with them.

Even though this has been in the market for roughly 6months, already the features are proving compelling, even as compliment to a 21CN novation plan. With products such as bonded DSL and symmetrical DSL soon to be available from the port, they’ve positioned themselves as a prominent player in the next generation access sphere. Add into the mix backhaul capacity capable of supporting their lofty ambitions and the capital of their more illustrious parents, it’s no wonder BE are proving to be more than just an interesting alternative in the wholesale broadband market.

The LSB consultation process has begun and I believe it is important for the industry to be a part of this. We do actually have an appalling track record for taking part in these papers and it is to our detriment. If you flip back to your copy of the Clementi Report and look at how many solicitors are listed it is but a handful (yes I am there) but we are all quick to moan that nobody asked our opinion.

The documents are here and I think they should be serious holiday reading, yes I have a life. They may even be more interesting than the autobiography that some aged aunt bought for you.

Interesting they published these at Christmas! Or is it just me?

Interesting argument brewing with the government. I will let you read the attached article from The Gazette for the detail. I hesitate though to make the comment that we have seen several reincarnations of this service each time with the same staff and different leaders. Each time the service has failed. Time for a change, of staff?

The mind can be a very complex thing to understand. The mind may processes life experiences and chooses where to file it away. If there is a traumatic event in ones childhood that may be, too difficult and confusing to digest the mind may help to split parts of it into fragments. In turn creating multiple personalities which may classified by the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) which is the presents of two or more distinct personalities or identity states that recurrently control an individual’s behavior (Hansell and Damour, 2007).  Life for a multiple may consist of years in and out of general psych units, specialized trauma hospitals and day programs. One may work with many therapists, psychiatrists, and everything in between. Lies may be exposed, images may be ruined and relationships may end. Figuring out that one’s childhood is lost, more like stolen away from them, as well as many kinds of food, color, and texture aversions. One may be misdiagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to bipolar before getting a true diagnosis of DID. They may talk in third person as a necessary means to not offend any of the insiders. One may come to the realization that chatter in one’s head is not “normal”. However, one’s life experiences good or bad could help them to define who they are and want to become.

Dissociative Identity Disorder can be a very complex and severe mental illness. However, DID is not a disorder that one is born with, it is more of an adaptation. Any type of significant trauma experienced before the age of five may cause individuals to become multiple (Cori, 2008). Children process things differently than adults, as they may not have the skills to verbalize. If children experience any type of abuse, it may be easier for children to make other parts of themselves to compensate for emotional or physical pain they are experiencing. There are many terms that one can call their fragmented self-states but the one that seems most appealing is “alter”, as it means other in Latin (Kluft, 2008).

The child may grow up with many fragmented parts of themselves without even knowing they are fragmented. An individual may consider having alters to be their “normal”. One may view an only or a singleton as abnormal. When clinicians for the DSM were changing the name of Multiple Personality Disorder to Dissociative Identity Disorder, many trauma survivors thought the word “disorder” should be eliminated and replaced with the word “adaptation” (Haddock, 2001). The word “disorder” could create rigid thinking and make outsiders view Dissociative Identity Disorder as a sickness instead of a highly intricate and specialized way of surviving the past. Some may think that one’s ability to dissociate and the creation of alters helped them adapt within their abusive situation.

Dissociative Identity Disorder can be seen as a means of survival, some may think that the creation of alters made the abuse easier to tolerate. It can make perfect sense to a child, as many children have vivid imaginations. It may be possible for children to use their creativity and environment when creating alters; if one idolizes a superhero during the abuse they may create, superhero alters. If the child switches to that particular superhero alter, they may not feel pain or sadness, as superheroes are super-human. To a child that may seem so logical and smart.

A common misconception of Dissociative Identity Disorder is that it is rare. Having alters may be seen to the multiple as their “normal”, but to the outsider they classify it as “abnormal”. However, Dissociative Identity Disorder affects many individuals and may not be a gender specific disorder. Child, abuse is not discriminatory towards any social class or gender. It may take a period of time, possibly years to get a proper diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Clinicians need to be aware of the differential diagnosis between Dissociative Identity Disorder and many others disorders.  As there may be, comorbidity associated with Dissociative Identity Disorder, as it may be common to have (may include but not limited to) (C) PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder as well (Herman, 1992).

An individual with Dissociative Identity Disorder may develop aversions to certain things that remind one of their abusive past. The disinclination can vary but can be exhibited toward certain colored foods or textures. In addition, certain alters may have certain aversions. Alters can have different symptoms of different disorders, as there can be an alter who exhibits disordered eating habits. Food may have been a controlling agent that one’s abuser could have used. In contrast, the survivor may use the control of their food intake as a form of self-harm. It may be seen from the survivor as “everything going on internally is out of my control but I can control food”.

Individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder have an entire world inside of their mind. Dissociative Identity Disorder occurs on a spectrum from mild, moderate to severe. However, there is a form of Dissociative Identity Disorder that is not well known called polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder. The difference between standard Dissociative Identity Disorder and polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder is a matter of degree (Haddock, 2001).  Rather than splitting into three or four alter parts, one with polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder might fragment into hundreds or even thousands of alter parts.

The treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder can vary depending on the individual. As no two people, manifest the symptoms the same. However, Dissociative Identity Disorder is a result of long-term, chronic, severe, sadistic child abuse. Many therapists choose not to work with Dissociative Identity Disorder survivors because of the complexity of the disorder. The most common treatment option for Dissociative Identity Disorder can be cognitive talk therapy. Survivors first may need to work on stabilization and maintaining safety. During the stabilization process, the individual may be hospitalized numerous times due to suicidal ideations and or suicidal alters. Therapy can be a means to talk about how the past is affecting ones present life. Dissociative Identity Disorder survivors may need to relearn things that may include but are not limited to learning to; trust others, relationships and managing anger.

As Dissociative Identity Disorder survivors learn to work on the present life’s relationships one learns how to have relationships with their alters. A concept called internal communication it is a process in which one dialogues internally, with the hopes of easing the internal chaos. The main reason that the Dissociative Identity Disorder survivors seek treatment is that their internal system may be out of control. It can go back to idea of creating homeostasis as therapy can be seen as helping to maintain an internal equilibrium. The therapist can be viewed as the mediator within ones complex system. Nevertheless, the actual creation of one’s alters can be a means of maintaining balance within one’s mind. Therapy for a Dissociative Identity Disorder survivor can last years but may help one to reclaim their life.

One may think of life as a journey. However, during childhood one may not be able to control things especially if abuse is present. All individuals are given choices in life; one may choose to succumb to the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder and become their disorder. People diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder may commit crimes and use their diagnosis as an excuse. Nevertheless, Dissociative Identity Disorder and mental illness in general is not a justification to exhibit deviant behavior. However, others may use their adaptation of Dissociative Identity Disorder to help others. Individuals who choose healing and wellness may be sending a message to their abusers. Abusers can take many things from victims but they cannot break the human spirit. One who develops Dissociative Identity Disorder preserve pieces, fragments of life that are safe and functional.

The journey through Dissociative Identity Disorder may not be an easy one, but can be one of discovery, newfound independence, and reconstruction. Many Dissociative Identity Disorder survivors are very functional members of society; they may become doctors, lawyers and even psychologists there are endless possibilities. One may develop a greater appreciation for the small things in life. Survivors can become success stories, first for surviving but more importantly thriving. The individual who chooses adapts to their environment and becomes a multiple may show others and themselves that their life has always had purpose even in the days before one realized their actual potential. Healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder does not always mean feeling better, it may mean learning to live and adapt to situations. One with experience inside the mental health system could indirectly be learning about oneself. Finding out that the journey of life is a constant learning process and ever changing. Dissociative Identity Disorder survivors are very smart because one had to be in order to survive. That survival is something that would have not been possible without ones highly intricate and specialized way of surviving the past.

I have seen this note in The Gazette recently which if you have not seen may be of interest to you practicing lawyers.

The scrapping of the assigned risk pool does nothing for the debate on the Professional Indemnity Market. The fact is that the whole process is flawed.

Whilst the articles in The Gazette raise some interesting points, even some crucial ones if you believe in the need for diversity of firms in the legal market. They don’t seem to address the fact that the problems in the market are much of the professions own making. Why have we:

• A single expiry date. This means that the market is inundated with proposals at one point in the year and the insurers are able to assess the market in one easy comparison making the market into ‘one book’ at one glance.
• A complete lack of understanding amongst the majority of solicitors that you need to sell yourselves to the underwriters. The insurance market needs to know of your commitment to risk management, training and the way in which you conduct your business. If not I think they are entitled to believe that your firm is just one of many.
• Not realised that the brokerage system does not work for solicitors. There are only really a handful of good brokers in the market who have direct access. Yet solicitors continue to deal with their local broker who then has to refer it onto a market broker who then presents ‘blocks of risk’ to an underwriter. The firm then gets no personal representation and the underwriter has no choice but to write his business on a category of risk.
• Really why has the profession not realised that all of this talk of risk management which has been so prevalent over the last ten years will be ignored at a cost. The cost being increased premiums. I go to risk management conferences, have spoken at them, and every year someone stands up and says “Engagement letters are important” well if the profession has not got that message yet maybe it deserves the market that it has.

Yes the market does need looking at and I believe the assigned risk pool should be abolished but there are fundamental restructuring issues we need to deal with before we do it. If we’re going to have a free market let’s do it, but let’s make it a fair one.

Mucho de lo que plantean los candidatos presidenciales en el área educacional ya está dicho, mucho de eso también lo hemos comentado en este blog. Pero a mí por lo menos me faltaba poder entender mejor algunos de sus planteamientos, no sólo las propuestas concretas, sino los fundamentos en que apoyan su visión educativa. No queda mucho tiempo para la primera vuelta, así que decidí indagar en la proposición más novedosa en el área, aquella qué pone en entredicho uno de los pilares fundamentales del modelo actual, la Calidad y la Estandarización. Me refiero a los planteamientos del Diputado Marco Enríquez Ominami.

No resultó traumático tomar contacto con los asesores del presidenciable, después de unas llamadas, un par de correos electrónicos presentándome y planteando cuál era el objetivo de la entrevista, logré tomar contacto con Juan Casassus, encargado del programa educativo de ME-O.

Cassasus, es uno de esos buques insignes de nuestra educación, en este mar se desplaza con la soltura de quien es reconocido como una autoridad en el tema. Competencias no le faltan, es sociólogo, filósofo y doctor en sociología de educación de la Sorbonne, académico de varias universidades, con un nutrido número de publicaciones. Así, en una tarde ñuñoina me reuní a conversar con este académico sobre los fundamentos de las políticas educativas de ME-O

GB: Ud. ha sido crítico con el concepto de Calidad aplicado a la educación, de dónde y cómo se implementó este concepto.

JC: Esto tiene una historia, la economía aplicada a la educación es algo que viene de mediado de los sesentas, pero que agarra mucha fuerza en 1983 en Estados Unidos con la publicación de “Una Nación en Peligro”, donde se hace un balance de la educación en Estados Unidos y se le atribuye a la educación la pérdida de competitividad en Estados Unidos en esa época, coincide además con un período de estancamiento e inflación. En este libro, escrito fundamentalmente por economistas, se propone cambiar el modelo de hacer educación, se echa la culpa a los profesores, a su formación etc. Tres años después Estados Unidos inició otra guerra,  se mejoró la economía y nadie se disculpó con los profesores por el diagnóstico  equivocado; esto se explica porque Estados Unidos es fundamentalmente una economía de guerra, el motor de su economía se fundamenta en la producción de armas. Esto, dejó instalado el principio de que la economía debía regir la formación de políticas en materia educativa. Año y medio después, Estados Unidos convocó a una conferencia de ministros de educación de OCDE, un año después en Europa, se convocó a una conferencia similar; el punto en común es que todas estas reuniones tenían por título: “Una Educación de Calidad”, instalándose el concepto de “educación de calidad” y calidad entendida desde los principios de la economía. De ahí viene el término “calidad”. Qué quiere decir esto, fundamentalmente que las políticas que se formulan, se hacen desde los principios que rigen la economía.

GB: ¿Se intenta asimilar la educación a un proceso de producción?

JC: No, no es solamente la producción. Por ejemplo, la teoría del aprendizaje desde la economía es el conductismo, donde se tiene la imagen del ser humano como un ser racional que se nutre mediante estimulo/respuesta, basada en una dinámica que ve el funcionamiento de la sociedad y la producción en función de hacer elecciones racionales. Este enfoque va asociado a una teoría del aprendizaje, a una idea de cómo se realiza la educación, a una teoría de la evaluación y una teoría de la conducta humana.

GB: ¿Cuándo llega a América y a Chile particularmente este modelo?

JC: Si me recuerdo bien, a América llega el año 92. Pero a Chile llega antes, llega en los ochenta con el poder de la escuela de Chicago, Friedman, una de sus fuentes inspiradoras. A Chile llega el 82 con el inicio de la municipalización, con la aplicación de los principios de la economía a la gestión de procesos educativos. A Chile, su puesta en práctica llega sin demasiada fuerza, no tuvo mucho impacto porque la década del ochenta fue una década muy complicada para América Latina, llamada “la década perdida”, la década en que ocurrió el ajuste estructural, período en que hubo que pagar la deuda externa, ajustar las economías, entonces se aplicó lo que se llamó el ajuste estructural de los 80s. El ajuste implicó reducir el gasto social, y el gasto que más se redujo fue el de educación. Fue una década en la cual hubo una caída continuada  de los presupuestos en educación. Nosotros en UNESCO, preparamos un documento en conjunto con la CEPAL que se llamó “Educación y Conocimiento Eje de la Transformación Productiva con Equidad”, que fue un documento de trabajo para la XXIV Conferencia de Ministros de Economía y Hacienda que convocó CEPAL. Nuestro interés era volver a poner la educación en el centro del desarrollo, y para lograrlo había que financiarla y había que en alguna medida convencer a los ministros de economía y hacienda que esto era importante. Debido a que las formas de producción habían cambiado, había que volver a invertir en educación, por que la inversión en neuronas era el factor de producción más importante; fue un libro muy potente, en el sentido que se argumentó muy bien la necesidad de volver a financiar la educación para la competitividad internacional. A partir de ahí se empezó a refinanciar la educación. Lo que no nos dimos cuenta es que los ministros de economía de la región, estaban dispuestos a financiar la educación, pero siempre y cuando se aplicara otra educación, y la otra educación era ajustarse al enfoque de calidad de gestión, de evaluación e incorporar algunas medidas y prácticas de la disciplina económica.

GB: Cuáles son las principales falencias de esta política educativa basada en estándares.

JC: Haber, hay algo que es evidente, se ha triplicado los presupuestos y en algunas partes se cuadruplicado. Las políticas sobre las que se basa este modelo, en general tienen algún fundamento en la investigación, hay gente muy inteligente trabajando en esta área. Las políticas yo diría que son muy racionales, si es que uno busca racionalidad en la política, la forma de hacer política educativa es muy racional pero en un sentido muy abstracto, se ve muy bien el papel, es muy lógica, está muy bien contenida, o sea es difícil argumentar en contra, salvo que tú confrontes la evidencia y esta dice que la cosa no está funcionando. Hay un desfase en el modelo teórico y la realidad. Mira, este modelo a generado sistemas de evaluación para ver el nivel de progreso que ha habido, suponiendo que ese sistema de evaluación es un sistema adecuado -yo afirmo que no es adecuado-, uno puede ver que en los últimos treinta años, a nivel mundial, no ha habido ningún progreso. Pero el peso de este “sentido común” suena tan bien en el papel que mantiene su fuerza, pero no solamente su fuerza teórica, hay fuerzas de redes internacionales detrás. El tema es que la cosa no ha funcionado, hay fuerzas conservadoras que quieren mantener este sistema vigente y profundizarlo aún más. Este período se ha caracterizando por generar cada vez más políticas, que tiendan a fortalecer la posibilidad de control sobre los procesos de aprendizajes por parte del Estado. Entonces, en el corazón de las políticas están estos sistemas de evaluación y de reformas basadas en estándares, que es lo que Chile quiere implementar y está implementando con la ley que hoy está en el Congreso…

GB: La Aseguradora de la Calidad…

JC: En efecto, incluso el nombre es como raro… Eso no ha funcionado en ninguna parte del mundo. Incluso en muchas partes del mundo esto ha tenido efectos negativos, los puntajes han bajado, la segmentación de los resultados de la educación se han fortalecido. Cuando uno piensa para qué sirve realmente este sistema, dado que después de 30 años no ha servido para mejorar la educación, dado que no le sirve a los profesores para enseñar mejor, entonces porqué tanto interés de las estructuras de poder en mantener este sistema, y mi conclusión es que esto es así porque es un excelente sistema de control social…

GB: Cuáles son los problemas que estaría generando la educación economicista en Chile hoy en día y que darían cuenta del estancamiento de nuestra educación.

JC: En Chile se ha adoptado y se ha aceptado el principio de gestión basada en estándares, bajo el fundamento de competencia entre escuelas. De aquí salen dos problemas de fondo, uno de ellos tiene que ver con la teoría de la conducta humana que plantea el conductismo, que ve en el ser humano a un homus economicus. Esta teoría, plantea que las personas funcionan de acuerdo a la estructura en las cuales están insertas, entonces si tú quieres tener cambios tienes que hacer cambios en la estructura y esto funcionando en términos de estímulos y respuestas, premio o castigo, este principio es el que se aplica teóricamente en Chile y de manera muy coherente por lo demás. El otro problema, radica en la visión de que si estos sistemas de gestión han sido exitosos en una fábrica deberían ser sistemas exitosos en la escuela. Por lo tanto, está declarada la asimilación de las escuelas a las fábricas en su funcionamiento, lo cual trae como supuesto terrible que los seres humanos somos como yogures, lápices… materia prima.

GB: De aquí se desprende el concepto de capital humano?

JC: El concepto de capital humano es un poquito distinto, es un poquito viejo, es de la época moderna, no es posmoderna, como cuando se veía todo como un modelo industrial. El concepto de capital humano viene de la economía, y trata de  explicar la diferencia de rendimiento en la competencia internacional de los países según los años de escolaridad que tengan las personas. Está preocupado de generar recursos humanos para la producción, para decirlo de manera simple, la economía tiene derecho a tener su teoría de la educación, está en su derecho de decir: nosotros necesitamos capital humano para producir mejores ganancias; el problema es que lo que ha ocurrido desde el principio de los ochenta es que la economía se ha fagocitado todos los otros elementos que estaban en la base de la generación de políticas educativas. Para darte un ejemplo, si tú piensas en cuáles son las finalidades de la educación -lo único bueno que tiene la LEGE, en el artículo 2, platea como fines del sistema educativo: el desarrollo espiritual, ético, moral, afectivo, intelectual, artístico y físico – esas son cosas no son propias de la economía, no son conceptos que salgan de la economía sino que son de una visión del ser humanos como un ser humano integral, que en general es una de las fuentes para pensar la educación, el desarrollo de las personas, personas más integrales con dimensiones intelectuales, etc. La economía tiene una visión desde la economía de capital humano que es legítima, pero no es ni siquiera una de estas siete finalidades de la educación. El poder de la economía, al fagocitarse los principios fundamentales que han animado siempre a las políticas educativas, ha hecho que todas estas finalidades desaparezcan y que quede como única finalidad aquellos elementos que sean conducentes a la generación de capital humano, concebido como una fábrica, concebido como un proceso de producción propio del período moderno.

GB: La educación como una línea de producción…

JC: Claro, una línea de producción en torno a un producto bastante homogéneo, calidad significa precisamente eso, cómo entregar un producto homogéneo, o sea mala calidad significa que el resultado tiene variaciones, eso es mala calidad…, buena calidad son todos iguales.

El punto principal es el siguiente, el modelo instalado hace 30 años, de acuerdo a los propios indicadores que ha generado no ha producido ningún progreso, salvo la cumplir la promesa de “otra educación”. Es un modelo que tiene muchos defectos, se basa sólo en estándares que generan pruebas sobre lo qué se debe  aprender y qué no hay que aprender. En Chile son dos los estándares, lenguaje y matemáticas, entonces el aprendizaje se basa en qué es lo qué hay que aprender en lenguaje y matemáticas. Entonces, calidad va a ser el porcentaje de respuestas en dos ítems, lenguaje y matemáticas. Es tal el peso que se le ha atribuido al sistema de medición, medición que además es una forma de evaluación, que hace reducir todo el proceso de aprendizaje a subir los puntajes en esos dos ítems. Por lo tanto lo que no entra en la prueba no es relevante, no se enseña. Ahora, en los colegios con más dificultades, yo he escuchado a los Seremis: hay que subir los puntajes del SIMCE. Lo que ocurre es que se instala una dinámica de no enseñar, sino entrenar personas a pasar pruebas en lenguaje y matemáticas, y eso lo hacen bastante mal porque incluso para esas pruebas se requieren un cierto bagaje de educación.

GB: Qué está pasando en los países desarrollados que adoptaron este modelo.

JC: Un estudio realizado por la Universidad Cambridge Inglaterra, demuestra que el tipo de educación guiada por un curriculum central, con un sistema de evaluación con estándares ligados a este currículum central, genera que los profesores sean menos eficaces que antes por que manejan menos competencias, menos metodologías, están enfocados sólo en resolver las pruebas. El estudio concluye que la educación entendida en estos términos ha bajado su calidad, al punto que varios de los reinos del Reino Unido están por eliminar este sistema, no más evaluaciones antes de los 14 años. En algunos Estados de Norteamérica que han aplicado este sistema de evaluación ligado a estándares de desempeño, están produciendo una deserción escolar y desigualdad fenomenal. Por ejemplo Florida, donde está Jeff Bush de gobernador, en el 2008 por primera vez más del 50%, el 51% de los alumnos no salen con un certificado de secundaria. Estados unidos está viviendo la peor crisis de su historia en deserción escolar, hay más de un millón de jóvenes que están desertando. Lo que demuestran las investigaciones, es que hay una relación de causalidad con las políticas de fijar estándares. Esta política está generando que el 70% de los que abandonan la enseñanza sean los más pobres, hispánicos, negros, inmigrantes, esta es una situación de desigualdad fenomenal. Así, un sistema que en el papel aparece como una estructura muy lógica, bajo la consigna de mejorar la calidad y la equidad en la educación, lo que produce es pérdida de calidad y mayor desigualdad.

GB: O sea este modelo está fracasado en el mundo.

JC: Donde existe evidencia empírica seria, demuestra que este modelo está fracasado.

GB: Qué hay que hacer entonces?

JC: Primero, esto no quiere decir  que no haya que hacer capital humano, pero esto ya dejó de ser fértil. Entonces, qué es lo que hay que ver ahora. No es volver atrás, hay que ver qué es lo que ocurre hoy. Por ejemplo tú tienes un Blog, tú te relacionas y creas en Internet; las formas de producción, las formas de conocer en el mundo a través de Internet ha generado otro tipo de relación con la realidad. En la educación conductita se supone que hay una realidad objetiva que se impone al sujeto, entonces el profesor es el mediador que transmite la realidad objetiva hacia el sujeto que es el alumno. Hoy en día necesitamos una educación que nos permita entender que la realidad cambia según la interacción que tengan los sujetos con la realidad objetiva, la realidad cambia según la capacidad de interacción del sujeto con su entorno, los blog son un muy buen ejemplo de esto. Esto requiere de otro tipo de educación, uno tiene en última instancia que auto educarse; y las únicas personas que están en condiciones de lograr que los alumnos puedan auto educarse en la institucionalidad son los profesores. Lo que hay que hacer es un gran giro hacía los profesores, devolverles autonomía, devolverles poder, apoyarlos en todo lo que se pueda para que puedan generar un proceso de auto educación.

GB: Para aterrizar el problema en Chile, si no seguimos aplicando este modelo… qué modelo aplicamos, cómo se arma un modelo qué no contenga estas implicancias economicistas.

JC: Primero, devolviéndole la educación a los profesores. Generando una estructura de apoyo a los profesores; por ejemplo, una cosa interesante es que la evaluación ha sido un elemento que ha sido legitimado y está en la cultura actual. El sistema de medición estandarizado, sirve como parte de la gestión pero no para el aprendizaje. Hay que generar un sistema de evaluación que puedan manejar los profesores de acuerdo a la diversidad de los alumnos, porque nosotros creemos profundamente que las personas son diversas, que hay diversidad, somos distintos. No somos estandarizados, el problema es que hay una lucha entre la diversidad y la estandarización. El sistema de control quiere que todos seamos iguales, de tal manera que pueda controlar mejor. Cuando tú tienes una sociedad diversificada, heterogénea, gente con distintos talentos, es una cuestión muy difícil de controlar.

GB: Esa situación la sabe muy un profesor de aula.

JC: Claro, ya sea que tenga 10, 15, 20 o30 alumnos, sabe que tiene sujetos con distintos ritmos, con distintos intereses. Si  tú no logras conectarte con los distintos ritmos e intereses de los alumnos para que se auto eduquen, entonces el alumno se va, queda ausente, el 80% del tiempo los alumnos están en otra parte. Proponemos generar un sistema de apoyo a este proceso, con evaluaciones multidimensionales y multifuncionales. Multidimensional en el sentido de que pueda tocar las distintas finalidades de la educación que están contenidas en lo rescatable de LGE, por ejemplo como relacionarse con el alumno para fortalecer el desarrollo ético. Esta sociedad se está desarmando por la falta de ética social, ética laboral; o sea, toda la estructura que mantiene junta a la sociedad se está desarmando, el tema de la delincuencia es preocupante, porque este sistema conductista basado en pruebas deja de lado todos lo demás del ser humano, estamos generando una sociedad amoral, sin ética.

GB: Pero, para implementar esa mirada educativa hay que generar cambios, en la formación inicial, en el curriculum, en la infraestructura, etc.

JC: Claro, lo que está planteando Marco es una transformación en la sociedad chilena, a partir de descentralizar el sistema político y una transformación radical a través de la formación de las personas. Estas cosas no salen en los debates. Lo que se plantea en educación es un sistema descentralizado, con una mirada de abajo para arriba, nosotros queremos que haya un 70% de abajo para arriba y un 30% de arriba para abajo; con un sistema de apoyo que su foco sea el aula, después la escuela. Planteamos la implementación de una Agencia Local de Educación (ALE) de apoyo a la escuela, y ésta ligada a una cosa mayor que estamos llamando Sistema Regional de Aprendizaje (SRA). SRA implica a todas las Universidades, implica todas las escuelas, las redes, los centros de investigación que deberían generar conocimientos relevantes para los alumnos de esa región. Esto implica un cambio en los contenidos, un cambio en las historias, un cambio en los focos de aprendizaje determinados territorialmente por las regiones.

GB: Sin pruebas estandarizadas

JC: No estamos contra los estándares de referencia, pero estándares flexibles. Curriculum pequeño, flexible, apuntando al trabajo cooperativo entre los alumnos. Cuando los alumnos trabajan cooperativamente, no solamente están aprendiendo materias sino que están aprendiendo relaciones sociales. Esto requiere un nuevo tipo de formación, que no se te cae el mundo por el rol que desempeñas, que puedes aprender del otro, que puedes enseñar al otro. En el fondo, un proceso de auto aprendizaje en relación con otros diversos. Esto requiere un nuevo tipo de formación. Hoy día la sociedad les está pidiendo cosas a los profesores que la formación no les está dando. Debe haber un giro hacia el del desarrollo de las personas, no hacia el capital humano. Suena tan evidente, tan fome, educar personas. Estamos todos de acuerdo que hay que educar personas, no, no estamos todos de acuerdo, porque estamos implementando un sistema que no va para allá, que deja de lado las finalidades de la educación.

GB: Pero, dentro de la realpolitik, Ud. cree posible que se pueda alcanzar consensos entorno a un modelo educativo que tenga las características que menciona.

JC: Yo pienso que no debería ser muy difícil, porque todo lo que nosotros estamos hablando es muy razonable, no estamos violentando a nadie con lo que estamos diciendo. La parte difícil, de realpolitik, está sí se aprueba la ley que está en el Parlamento y que no está siendo discutida en este momento pero tiene suma urgencia, ahora, sí se les ocurra aprobarla en las vacaciones, van a crear una situación muy difícil para hacer un cambio en la educación; la actual ley está muy estructura, es muy poco flexible, desarmar eso va a ser una cosa muy difícil. Pero supongamos que no se pasa esa ley, no hay que violentar mucho la cosa.

GB: Pero los acuerdos en este país no necesariamente se toman asumiendo los criterios del sentido común, algunas veces los llamados expertos controlan niveles, decisiones…

JC: La tecno burocracia. Mira, en el mundo de la realpolitik, el 95% de las personas involucradas en educación conoce el problema. El problema es otro, existe un sentido común gramsciano que está instalado por el poder político, el poder económico, por el poder mediático y el poder cultural, que ha instalado un sistema de gestión, que es este sistema de evaluación SIMCE, mediciones que se constituyen en un sistema de control social como te decía anteriormente. Es una muy pequeña minoría la que se opone. Yo estoy seguro, que el Colegio de Profesores está en esta línea, ellos en uno de los últimos números de la Revista Docencia apuntan para allá. Si queremos mejorar la educación, hay que sacar este sistema de reformas basadas en estándares, si tú sacas esto se te abre el asunto.

GB: Para ir cerrando, qué rol juegan las TICs en el proyecto educativo de Marco.

JC: Mira, yo creo que es súper importante. No es un tema que hayamos desarrollado mucho. Lo primero, cada niño con un computador ya, medida concreta. Me cargan las medidas concretas… Haber, las medidas tienen sentido dentro de un diseño, sí no, no tienen ningún sentido. La conversación que hemos mantenido ha sido en torno a diseño; luego el diseño es un asunto postmoderno. Y lo que ha marcado este período son las transformaciones en las tecnologías de la información, las ALE que te mencionaba anteriormente son redes computacionales, el trabajo de evaluación de los profesores debe ser online, el acceder a la información, si los alumnos aprenden muy rápido. Lo que necesitamos es poder tocar cual es el interés del alumno, para que él empiece a autoformarse y en esto las nuevas tecnologías juegan un papel central.

GB: La última pregunta, Juan Casassus, podría ser el próximo Ministro de Educación en caso de que ME-O resulte electo presidente.

JC: Mira, veamos qué pasa. Marco está diciendo eso, pero la misma concepción del ministerio tiene que ser distinta. Encuentro que ser Ministro de Educación es andar con varios sacos a cuestas…

GB: Además es un cargo peligroso, en Chile los ministros de salud y educación duran muy poco.

JC: Mira, lo que sí, de todas maneras yo voy a estar apoyando este programa, independientemente de cuál sea mi rol… a veces los ministros son los que tienen menos poder en estas cosas. Ahora bien, las personas que están a cargo de los programas nunca terminan siendo los ministros. Yo no estoy buscando un puesto público, pero yo soy un militante de la educación y esto que hemos hablado es para nuestros nietos, yo pienso que es una tarea súper urgente y para mi es un deber.

What I think I learned the past year…

• I might feel like I am going to die but I probably will not
• I cannot read my journals
• Relationships are choices
• Sleep is over-rated
• I eventually am going to die
• Touch is suppose to be a choice
• It is ok to let people in
• Google is awesome
• I can be nice to myself
• Getting better does not feel good
• There is reasons for almost everything
• People watching is fun
• Therapy does not just happen with my therapists
• I do not have to be a statistic
• Therapists cannot read minds
• 4 days is the most I can go without sleep
• Staying out of the hospital is not a contest with my family
• Money does not mean anything
• Shoes laces are awesome
• It is ok to have friends
• I can become who ever I want
• I cannot ignore my insiders as it only makes everything worse
• Insurance companies are assholes
• I am human
• I do have people who support me
• I do not have to grow up
• It is ok to be scared
• There is no “normal”
• Not everyone is who I thought they were
• I am allowed to feel
• I am different
• If I sleep for exactly 3 hours I do not dream
• No one can tell me the answers
• I do not have to be perfect
• Everyone’s family is complicated
• Isolating is not fun
• The truth scares people sometimes
• DID is not an excuse for anything
• I do have friends
• Everyone will not hurt me
• Self-harm is a coping mechanism
• I live vicariously through song lyrics
• I cannot change the past
• Chap stick is awesome
• I do not have to remember everything to heal
• I can find ways around everything
• Writing myself notes is helpful
• I like making lists
• Numbers do not matter
• I like organization
• I despise change
• Art is important to everyone inside
• I do not have to believe in god
• The truth hurts
• I am a very tactile person
• One of my insiders is color blind
• I generalize all touch as bad
• Soy milk is dairy free
• I do not have to forgive
• My family dynamic scares me
• I like animals a lot
• I can read this list when I feel bad
• Taking breaks are necessary
• Denial is easier
• Not everyone does what they are supposed to
• It is easier to live one hour at a time
• DID is an adaptation
• My insiders did and still do help me
• I do not have to do everything alone
• If I cannot think of 365 things for this list it is ok

I can’t deny that I had hoped to use this blog tell everyone about a fantastic night of success at the Student Radio Association Awards 2009. But alas t’was not to be…

In the end the only gong that URB picked up was a Bronze in the ‘Best Branding & Marketing’ category, which is better than nothing and does give us bragging rights, having won something in said category for the last four years. Still, I had thought that URB put forward a number of very strong entries, especially in the Outside Broadcast, Entertainment and Journalistic categories.

Still, the night itself though was good. It meant that I got to go to the O2, which I hadn’t visited since it was the Millennium Dome. The ATP World Tour Finals are actually being held there at the moment, although we didn’t see any of that, as were we in the Indigo2, a smaller venue, just off to the side of the main arena.

It has a big-ish stage, which was surrounded by tables and a balcony with extra seating, as well as a bar which stretches right across the back. The SRA had decided to go for a ‘back to school’ theme for the night, which meant that the table decorations were filled with sweets and we were given Play-Doh to amuse ourselves with.

The order of events was to start with a three course dinner which was very nice, although not everyone liked the goats’ cheese starter – it was meant to be coronation chicken but apparently one of the radio execs protested at chicken in both the starter and main. The dinner was then followed by the awards, presented by Scott Mills, Fearne Cotton and Greg James and the evening finished with a Global Radio vs. Radio 1 sound clash between top djs from both sides.

Although the dj battle was very good (staring Westwood, Dave Pearce et al.), it was actually the general commercial vs. BBC feeling that you got from all the presenters which was better. This subtle rivalry was best displayed when Andy Parfitt and Richard Park Ashley Tabor (big wigs at Radio 1 and Global respectively) appeared together to present the Best Station award. Each markedly sang the praises on their own group.

In spite of having to leave early to catch the last tube, the evening was very enjoyable. And I’ve found that the Spanish lifestyle has really gotten into me now – the night was scheduled to finished at 1.30am, which I found to be mad as it’s ridiculously early compared to Madrid.

Spot Dave Pearce (Image pinched from Cedric Sureshkumar)

While the SRA Awards were the reason for coming home this week, I’ve also been able to relax and enjoy being at home.

A couple of weeks ago in Madrid, I actually found I had started to miss the rain and gentle drizzle that is the foundation of British weather. When I landed last Sunday, I was actually happy to be greeted by the British misery. Admittedly, that novelty has worn off now, however it definitely makes me feel at home. The food is something I’ve missed as well. Specifically, my beloved Rice Krispies and Mum’s cooking, which is as excellent as ever.

All in all, I’ve enjoyed this week at home and although I/we didn’t win anything in London, it gave me a chance to catch up with a lot of friends. There’s still another two years that I can enter the awards anyway so it’s not so bad.

Oh, and if any of the SRA winners happen to be reading this – Congratulations!

[Edit 27/11/09 : Mr Board is correct, it was in fact Ashley Tabor and Andy Parfitt. My memory of the evening is obviously impaired but is in no way linked to alcohol that was consumed]

The Law Society Gazette recent publish an article that informed us all that the world has gone mad.

The Law Society’s council voted to change its policy on referral fees yesterday. It adopted a motion by council member Sue Carter to alter council’s existing policy

It does not really matter if you agreed at the time or not to try now to unravel agreements with suppliers is going to be highly costly and disruptive. The rule change (to allow referral fees) has not in my opinion ever led to the client being disadvantaged in anyway and it certainly is not unprofessional. What it does give us is a level playing field upon which to compete when other bodies come into the market. If we are unable to pay fees in the event that the Law Society is successful in their efforts then can we assume that everybody will be banned from paying them? Marketing groups, insurers, banks in fact the very people who are set to enter our arena yet are unlikely to be regulated by the SRA! Yes some solicitors may not be as good at abiding by the rule as others, yes maybe it needs changing with regard to the introducers auditing provisions but we have the SRA to enforce rules and I am sure they will.

This attacks the one principle that we must have in 2011-2012: a fair market place. A level playing field where we are able to compete because if we can not there is a very strong possibility that a very large number of firms will die!

An LSB spokesman said ‘Our business plan makes clear that we are sympathetic in principle to the views of some stakeholders, including the Law Society, that there is a need for a consistent regulatory approach across the sector as regards referral fees. This is why it will be the first issue that we will ask the Legal Services Board consumer panel to advise us on.’

I hope this at least indicates that the LSB have an eye to the bigger picture.

Yes the Law Society have to convince the SRA and the LSC would have to take the same line but if this is the judgement of the councils wise and mighty should we not be worried? Maybe they should debate if the professions subscription should be stopped to them or at least voluntary as they are now a representative body, or should that be unrepresentative?

Yesterday I spent the day with my three little cousins aka “My Little Monsters”. These sweet boys are the light of my life. I know that when they tell me they love me its real.

My silly little boys have no idea what kind of evil there is in the world. They do not have to worry about predators. The only thing that they worry about is missing an episode of SpongeBob Square pants. They are little, precious and innocent.

Last night as I was putting them to bed, they asked me to stay in their room until they went to sleep. I did because I like them to feel safe. As I watched them drift off into dreamland, I started feeling sad. I just looked at those precious little babies as they slept peacefully and tears started to fall from my eyes. When I look at those boys, I see that they are so helpless and small.

 I realized how safe they are and how unsafe I actually was during my childhood.

My littlest cousin is turning three in a few weeks, and it has been bothering me because one of my parts is three. It is that I just picture a three year old as something much bigger and stronger than he is. When I look at him, I still see a baby. He still likes to be held, rocked and comforted.

When I see my littlest insiders, I do not see them as children, because they are not children. I never got to do childlike things. I had to do grown up things from a very young age. Baby-like things never existed. I never had the chance to be a child. In addition, I do not get a second chance to redo childhood. It is over, done, history.

However, when I look at my little cousins, I see three sweet innocent boys who are safe from abuse. They just look up to me with their big brown eyes and I just want to hold them and keep them safe forever.

I always think and wonder how anyone could hurt a child…

During my childhood, I did not have choices. I had things forced upon on my little childlike body. The word “no” did not exist in my vocabulary. I had never heard the word boundaries. Let alone know I could have them.

However, within the past year I have figured out that now, I can choose things. I have chosen to return to school. I have chosen not fight therapy and to just let professionals help me. I am starting to choose who I show love to.

The most important thing that I did choose was to start my journey of healing. I could have picked a very different path than I did. I could have become an addict, or a criminal. I could have chosen to stay a victim but I decided to call myself a survivor.

Recently my mother told me “I am self-centered and selfish for not giving someone a hug”.

I thought about what she said, I realized something. The first 22 years of my life, it was about everyone else.

While I experienced long-term sadistic abuse as a child. I kept my abuse a secret unconsciously because I was worried about how it would ruin the family image. My family stole my childhood away from me because of the unrealistic image they choose to show others.  They enabled my abusers for years until one of them died.

Selfish actually means caring only about oneself and I do not see anything wrong with that. At this point in my journey, I need to work on self-care. I am learning that it is ok and very healthy to establish boundaries.

I will not let others control my life. I will not do anything that I do not feel comfortable doing. If someone gets offended by not getting a hug, too bad. I am an adult now and a survivor. I make decisions for myself based on what makes me feel safe.

Therefore, “Self-centered” and “selfish”…damn right I am!

We are proposing the introduction of a common and consistent licensing framework for those lawyers and firms – and those who would liked to invest in legal service provision- which should promote wider choice and variety and which has robust consumer protection at its heart.

David Edmonds Chairman of the Legal Services Board (LSB)

The prospect of a test of fitness or adequacy is an obvious one and we would not have expected to see much less. What it does not seem to do is address the problems of multi regulation which may well be required. If a Barristers Chambers want to own a firm of solicitors who regulates it, the Bar Council? Or, and i can not contemplate this, both the Bar and the SRA?

Consultations great, but there needs to be guidance and this document leave a lot unanswered. It is difficult to see how you can deal with this document in isolation. Regulation of MDP’s is yet to be addressed, won’t that have a bearing on how we respond.

+ Las secretarías de Turismo, Reforma Agraria y Función Pública seguirán "operando” en 2010 y dispondrán de un presupuesto en conjunto superior a los 10 mil 300 millones de pesos.

En razón de que el Senado no procesó el dictamen para la desaparición de esas tres dependencias, como planteó el presidente Felipe Calderón, los diputados debieron integrarlas al Presupuesto de Egresos 2010, aunque con una ligera disminución en su gasto con respecto al año en curso.

La Secretaría de Turismo tendrá un presupuesto de 3 mil 935.7 millones de pesos; la de Función Pública, 1 mil 248.7 millones de pesos; y la de la Reforma Agraria, 5 mil 195.1 millones de pesos.

Fue el Gobierno federal quien anunció en septiembre pasado la desaparición de las tres secretarías de Estado.

En su momento se informó que de la Secretaría de Turismo, sus funciones se transferirían a la Secretaría de Economía; las de la Reforma Agraria a las secretarías de Agricultura, Ganadería, Desarrollo Rural, Pesca y Alimentación (Sagarpa) y a la de Desarrollo Social (Sedesol); y las de la Función Pública, estarían a cargo de la Contraloría General de la Federación, dependiendo directamente de la Presidencia de la República.

Los argumentos fueron que ante la severa crisis financiera mundial es necesaria una reestructuración administrativa, por lo que se han implementado medidas para racionalizar el gasto público.

[Gabriel Xantomila + Dolores Acosta  + Carlos Acosta (OEM)]

Families are supposed to protect each other. However, sometimes, they do not. Sometimes families do not do what they are supposed to do and that means someone gets hurt.

Abuse is part of a bigger picture. Abuse is all about secrets. Covering up, being told to shut up, and portraying the image of the “perfect” family.

When I eventually decide to accept the abuse, I will also be accepting that “my” family is part of it. The abuse did not happen solely because of me. “My” family helped enable my abusers. The people that fractured life also provided the abusers with the means.

My family system is based on a secret, lie, and an image.

The word truth has very many meaning.

Truth could be what you want to believe and tell others. On the other hand, your truth could be what you tell yourself. The truth can be sugar coated or very blunt. Truth can be a very personal thing. It can be something that you keep secret from the world or something that you tell others. The word truth can have infinite meanings.

When children are young, they are sometimes told to always tell the truth because lying is bad. Lies come in different colors, shapes and sizes. I also heard this before “the truth will set you free”. In my opinion, my truth has not set me free. I feel far from free. My truth has made things complicated.

Everyone around me is learning about my truth. My family does not like my truth because it is ugly. I am finding that telling my truth is not always the most accepted thing.

The truth hurts, but can be so nice to hear sometimes when you have been fed bullshit all your life.

My truth sounds so different coming from others. Today my therapist said aloud some things that happened in the past. It sounded so different coming out of her mouth, even though it belongs to my body. I just laughed when she said it because I had no idea what else to do. It is obviously important to me because I have been thinking about it since I left her office.

When I think about it all my parts are pieces of my truth. So I guess my life is not a lie, I just chose to tell my truth differently than others. I created a whole internal system based on my truth. My truth is held by all my insiders.

One of my abusers is still alive and was a part of my so-called family and going to die soon. I have avoided this person since I remembered my truth, so I now had to decide what I am going to do at the death. I thought about this long and hard for so long and I finally came to a decision that I was not going to attend the funeral when it happens.

I recently told my mother that I was not attending the funeral. I had planned to give her a letter I wrote but I wanted to tell her in person so she could see the seriousness in my eyes. I told her and she wanted to know specific details of what how this person traumatized me…

I thought to myself that it is my choice if I tell her the details of my abuse. I do not believe sharing details with family members is helpful. In addition, I do not really think my family could handle the truth. Truthfully, I cannot really handle it myself. I struggle with figuring out if my truth is real because my truth sounds so bizarre in my head.

I have not spoke my truth to my therapists yet. They have seen my truth through flashbacks and artwork. I cannot speak my truth as an adult, child parts tell their truth in therapy but I do not feel like it is mine. I think that is why I laughed when my therapist said a part of it today because I do not claim that truth. That truth is scary and that would make it extremely real.

I have not found my meaning of truth yet. The truth that my insiders claim does not belong to me right now. I hope finding my truth helps me to make sense of everything in my past and present.

Recently something happened to me. I have no idea what it is but something changed. I feel like I woke up. It is a difficult feeling to describe.

It is as if I just entered my body. It is as if I can feel my life. Like this skin that has not belonged to me is mine now. Everything feels different even though it is the same. My outer shell and I finally connected.  My fellow survivor describes this amazingly, “I walked outside and I felt the wind touch the skin that now belongs to me”.

It is hard for me to see change. I feel like everything’s the same but today I realized it is not. I am very different but it is okay for me to be different. A few weeks ago, I said I feel like I am an outsider and intruding on my family. I realized that I truly am an outsider because my family did not experience what I did but I think that I am sometimes okay with being an outsider.

When I was in the hospital last September, someone said something I remember, “Getting better doesn’t mean feeling better”. I find that to be so true, healing is scary. Working through this is so painful and I would much rather go back to being numb. My best friend said something funny this weekend she said, “I’m losing my ability to dissociate and I hate it”. As she said that, I thought to myself I hope that never happens to me. That sounds bad to think but it is the truth. I have dissociated for over twenty years, and I do not think I want to stop.

Dissociation is my comfort, my special thing I get to do to get away. I think of it as my security blanket that no one can ever take away. In addition, I am taking that security blanket away by going to therapy. That sounds like self-sabotage to me

I think of healing as if I am learning to color outside the lines and not becoming a statistic. Healing from this is something that I am choosing.

However, why does it feel so scary if it is my choice…

I am a creature of habit. I do everything the same, I eat the same foods, listen to the same songs repeatedly. I do not like change. I fear change. Change is scary, unpredictable and I have been trying to run away from it for as long as I can remember. So why now am I paying a professional to help me change.

I have so many questions that I need answers for and no one will tell me. I even googled my questions and it did not give me a straight answer. I guess I have to find the answers that I like.

At this moment in time, I am doing many things to distract myself. I am taking 16 credits this semester at school, I am going to therapy three to four times a week, and I am working part-time. Recently I stopped to think about all I am doing. I realized that I might be distracting myself too much.

I have just recently returned to school, I did not transition into school, as I should have. Instead, I took as many classes as my parents would pay for. In therapy right now, I am doing abreaction work because I do not want to have flashbacks at school. However, I think that my therapist and I may be digging, but right now, I am functional. At work I really cannot stand being around people that I do not know, so I work one day a week in the office by myself.

As I ask myself, where do I draw the line between distraction and avoidance I remember back before I remembered and I lived the same lifestyle, all or nothing. Right now, I am living with my parents and my siblings, which is difficult because they are tied to my abuse. It is hard for me to show myself as imperfect in front of them, so I choose not to. They see an alter who is perfect in their eyes; she is just like my older sister (which they love).

While doing all this there is very little time for being social. Back in May, we started having a hard time, and we decided to cut all contact off with friends and family. Our friends tried to contact us but we refused to answer. In the past few weeks, we started having limited communication with them.  

This weekend was Halloween, and it is hard for us and our therapist was on vacation for two weeks prior and during Halloween. Therefore, that added another obstacle on to it. We had no therapist, no friends, and no family communication. Add in the equation, little or no sleep, 5 college classes, midterms and family issues. We felt that we did not have any way to seek support if needed.

Throughout our hibernation period from social contact, we deeply missed our friends, because for the most part they understand us better than anyone does. We decided to swallow our pride and apologize to them. It has been different with our friends because we lost five months with them, they have needed us and we were not there for them. We feel bad for not being there for them, but we cannot change the past. The only thing we can do is try to be a good friend right now in the present.

We spent the weekend with our best friend; it was good catching up. Watching intervention episodes, and just being ourselves. We have so much in common with this one friend, she understands DID because she is a survivor too. We have both had hard times recently and I wish I had not cut her off because I could have helped her. However, we realized that we could support her now and that is what we intend on doing.

The best part of my weekend was getting my new pets. My fish are pretty they are three boys. The boy’s names are Sigmund, Ivan and David. After psychologists of course! My friend has yet to name hers, but I am anxiously awaiting their names. Nevertheless, they arrived home safe and are now swimming freely.

As I start the week tomorrow and go back to therapy this week, I am trying to figure out my next move. Thinking about school, work and therapy. Am I in over my head? That I do not know. I think as long as I have people (friends) in my life that will support me no matter what I should be okay. I hope