One of the most terrifying things in life is to realize that your List is blank. Now, I’m not talking shopping list or book list or even a to do list. I’m talking that everpresent mental List that we keep of possible romantic interests. We all do it, sitting around and we see that nice face at the coffee shop. That face goes on the list because maybe, just maybe, we will happen to see them again *cue raging fantasy about what would ensue* It’s pathetic, yes. A bit sad, perhaps, but we do it. Why? So that the List won’t be blank.

Because if the List is blank, it means we are truly and utterly alone. We cling, we hold on to a smile or a glance or a conversation. We prolong things that aren’t really relationships at all out of fear of overwhelming blankness. That’s why the phenomenon of The Rebound exists. We fear that white, empty page. We refuse to admit it. We love to lie to ourselves. When asked if we are seeing anyone, we hate to be forced to say “no” flat out. We want to say, “well, I’m entertaining my options” (okay, I don’t think people really say this) or “no, but there’s someone I’m interested in” or “there are prospects.” And if we do say no, what do we get? “Oh, well, good.”

Good? Context here: I am studying abroad in France in less than a month for four months. Meaning “you don’t need a boyfriend when you’re going off to France.” I know. I know. But really, my relative’s unhidden enthusiasm that I am, in fact, single(though why this question even comes up when talking to people I haven’t seen in a year, on Christmas, mind you, I have no idea.) As if it has something to do with why I’ve been happy lately. Clearly, that can be the only reason. I mean, really, is that what you want to know about a person? How are you? How’s school? Do you have a boyfriend? Where’s the logical progression in that one?

NOTE: my family is notoriously nosy in everything, particularly relationships.

Anyway, I know a lot of people with blank lists who refuse to admit it. It’s not something you need, certainly, but that doesn’t mean it’s not something you want. Some primal need to keep that List filled so at least you can successfully lie to yourself.

Dear Campus Bookstores Everywhere,

I would like you to know that I am on to your evil scheme. Not only do you overcharge ridiculous amounts for your textbooks(which can only be slightly made up for by using Amazon). Not only do you decide that a new edition of a book is necessary each year. Not only do you constantly run out of used books so that those of us who change classes at the last moment must buy them all new. Oh no, these are not the greatest of your crimes.

The greatest crime you commit is the rape of every student who attempts to return a book. Because, dear bookstore, you do not only rape us once, when we initially purchase these books. Oh, no. You rape us again. We come back for more.

Why, you may ask, do we subject ourselves to this second rapeage? Because we are bribed, dear students. “We’ll give you money for your books,” says the bookstore. “We didn’t mean to rape you before. Let us make up for it.” Can you say “flowers and candy”? This is Bookstore’s equivalent of the pathetic gift to make up for what it has done. And what do we do? We forgive Bookstore because, frankly, we need the cash.

But, once a rapist, always a rapist. Why, Bookstore? Why? “No, we won’t take that book back at all.” “No, we can only give you 2 dollars for that 30 dollar paperback.” “We’ve already filled our quota, so you get nothing back.” “This book has a bent cover because the companies are cheap and only make softcover, which does nothing to lower the price, we’ll have to give you less because it’s damaged.”

And, to top it all off, we’ll give you candy. Yes, candy, when you come and return your books. That’s a good student, here, have a treat. Thank you for buying into our scheme, come again!

Now, you may tell me to sell my books back in the same way that I bought them, online. However, there are horrible people in the world who manage to sell books for ridiculously cheap, meaning after the hours of hassle from posting, comparing prices, putting up sell dates, calculating shipping costs, finding packaging and everything ELSE, I still don’t end up making much more than the rapist would have paid me.

So we will return. Once again to be raped because, quite frankly, it’s just easier that way.

Sincerely,

Students of the World

If you were gay… I am sure this is a thought that most people have. I mean, really. I feel like most people, if nothing else, can see the attractiveness in the same sex. Is this trend more prevalent in girls, though? When talking with a friend today, I was told that she tried to talk to a guy about potential people to be gay with, just in a purely hypothetical manner, and he flipped out. He couldn’t even consider it. Is this normal?

I have guy friends who openly admit they have men they find attractive. John Cusack is a popular one. Which, you know, doesn’t really do it for me, but whatever floats your boat. Are guys in general more closed off about that sort of thing? Maybe I just hang out with more open people, I don’t know. Do girls think about women more because we compare ourselves to them? Or do men think about it the same amount and just refuse to admit it?

Thoughts?

Looking for a heart-warming, musical romance podnovel?

Why not spend the holidays with Rob & Victoria. Join them as they fall in love over the winter break. There’s jazz music, skiing, holiday parties, and kissing in the snow. What could be better to warm your hearts during this chilly season? Listen to Sweet Dreams and the sequel Star Struck.

Available now at http://www.sweetdreamsnovel.com

Nestled deep within the soft chewy nougat center of my soul rests a tiny pungent kernel of crippling shyness. I coat it in layers of sass and pepper and hope nobody notices it’s there.

But sometimes the flavor will out. And the only way to keep from just standing in a corner with big eyes, picking my nose like an overwhelmed kindergartener, is to completely. Spaz. Out.

I blink alot. Talk too fast. Sweat. Comb comb comb my hair with  my fingers. Generally act like a goob.

I figure it’s my own internal karmic system. When you spend alot of your time doing a passable impersonation of this:

Never underestimate the power of ... BODY LANGUAGE!

Eventually, you will involuntarily become this:

Hey LAY-DEEE!

The universe craves balance. Sigh.

All of this is to say, when I recently had the opportunity to meet The Pioneer Woman at a book-signing for her new cookbook, I would have been very popular in France

Have you encountered The Pioneer Woman? Long story short, she’s a city girl who fell head over stylish heels for the Marlboro Man. Umpteen years later, she’s a ranch wife and mother of four with a magnificently popular website. The lady cooks, and it’s gastronomically inspiring.

The book-signing was at Book People, where all such events in Austin are held. It’s a three-story literary fortress that embodies the very Austin-ness of our town, balancing all that is weird and quirky (fridge magnets based on a local homeless transvestite who ran for mayor twice, for example) with heaps and scads of legit classics and useful info, a massive kids’ section, oh and a coffee shop. In short, a very dangerous place for me to be.

Apparently, nobody told the folks at Book People that this cookbook author has a bit of a following. They started handing out color-coded wristbands for the book signing at 4pm that day. When I got there at 4:30pm, they had already given out over 200. The poor scruffy hipster boy handing them out looked awfully shellshocked. And when they actually had to mobilize the tattooed be-aproned troops to manage the crowd of hundreds? Well they were very frazzled under their facial piercings that night, let me tell you.

In preparation for this event, I crocheted a set of hats for the PW’s kiddos. I know she has two boys and two girls, because the internet told me so. Here’s where I started to wig out a little. How awkward is this? “Hi, we’ve never met, but I have a present for your children. I promise it’s not coated in anthrax!” (most likely, I didn’t actually say that.) Alls I know is, if a stranger approached me with gifts for my kids, I would be equal parts creeped out and embarassed. This is partly because I’m terrible at accepting gifts.

Did I take pictures of these hats? Nope. Completely forgot. They were colorful variations on these designs. Did I take pictures of the book signing, and PW receiving my gifts along with a  none-too-subtle business card? Nope. Completely forgot. My inner Jerry Lewis loomed large throughout this process, and pushed such common sensical thoughts right out of my head. Basically, I was freaking out.

Why?

Meeting new people. New people whose achievements I admire. New people upon whom I will thrust pieces of my craft in the hopes that my work is good enough to earn a smile.

Conditions were perfect for a full-on shyness attack.

Luckily, the Drummond family (PW’s crew) are lovely, gracious people. The entire cast of characters was in attendance, milling about the place and generally being charming and pleasant.

The Marlboro Man, who is every bit as ruggedly handsome as his wife claims.

The Punks, two wholesome-pretty girls all leggy and polite and wearing fabulous boots, two rambunctious boys all frogs n’ snails n’ puppy dog tails seemingly everywhere at once. These kids had impressive good manners, smiling through what has to be a weird experience full of strangers who seem to know who they are on sight and want not only their pictures, but their autographs.

A truly charming lady whose resemblance to the Pioneer Woman was too strong to be anyone but her sister, who gave me a t-shirt and chatted happily with me while I came out of my spaz-attack after meeting the lady in question.

PW’s mom, who is about nine feet tall and coo’ed over my baby girl (who was in attendance along with my very supportive mother-in-law) and jokingly requested that I not let her daughter see the baby. Apparently the hormones are in an upsurge and the constant parade of cute babies is getting to be almost comical.

And then there was the Pioneer Woman herself. All gracious smiles and fabulous earrings. Signing a bajillion books with more patience and enjoyment than I think I could’ve mustered. When it came to be my turn to step up, I’m not sure what happened.

I spoke. I know that. Words of some kind came out of my mouth. Nothing too terrible, because security didn’t march me out of there. The gift bag with the hats was handed over. Books were signed. The Girl, fast asleep in her Grandma’s arms, was admired.

What I wanted to say to this woman I admire was “Hi, I love your site, you inspired me to actually bake from scratch! In appreciation, I’d like  gift you with hats for your kiddos. That’s what I do, see, on my Etsy shop Angry Baby. Hats for kids crocheted from 100% all-natural materials. I hope you enjoy them as much as I’ve enjoyed your work. Thank you so much!”

What I actually said was more along the lines of  “HELLO! Blargy blargy hats hats hats! Lookit baby! We takey picture with you LAY-DEEEE!”

Trust me, the photoshop job is more flattering than the actual look on my face.

Sigh!

Oh well. At least my kid was cute. And the lady really did have fabulous earrings. Which I would have complimented if I could have gotten my tongue to do anything but flail about madly. Let’s focus on the baby and the earrings, shall we?

See? Great earrings, sleeping baby. Also, very nice scarf.

 Long story short (too late), it was a very frought evening, but only in between my ears. Out in the world, it was a gathering of folks who love to cook and chat about life. The two hours in line were full of laughs and fun. The Pioneer Woman and her family seem like truly sweet people, and I just hope I didn’t freak them out too much.

HEY LAY-DEE!

Let’s talk for a moment about relationships, shall we? Yes, because this is my blog and therefore I get to choose what to write about. Bear with me.

I like relationships, oh truly, I do. I think couples can be very adorable and awesome, when they know how. However, as I am not currently in a relationship, seeing them everywhere can be kind of irritating. I’m not talking those people holding hands on the bus(even though it still makes my mind twitch because I want that), I’m talking major PDA. Please, please, get a room, PDA. We are ignoring everyone around us because we are so in love PDA. Agh. Please.

Now, PDA, while more disturbing, is also more acceptable in my eyes in high school. In HS, no one has their own room, really. There is no place to go, except that everpresent basement or the back of your car. So what can you do? In college, however, we have these things called our own rooms, our own dorms, whatever. That is the place for these kinds of things. If you’re not going to pay attention to the people in public, anyway, why be in public? So you can stare at each other? So you can make out in front of a bunch of people. I’m not talking a cute little kiss here, but serious makeout session. No, thank you, I do not want to see that.

Also, being told by a person in a relationship that you will find someone is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. “You’re so great, of course you’ll find someone,” does not mean anything to me when coming from a Relationshiper. Oh, no. I know they have good intentions, they want to assure me that I can be happy like them. BLAH. That is the last thing I want to hear! The faith in love in their eyes makes me want to vomit. I have a thing about absolute faith, it freaks me out, nauseates me, actually. “You’ll find someone,” is the equivalent of telling me “I just know everything will work out.” Do you? DO YOU? And how, may I ask, do you know this? Only people who have things going well for them would say that. Not that my life isn’t going well. It is. It’s the best it’s ever been since I started college, actually. But still. I try to be positive, too, I tend towards optimism, however, I know there is a time and place, and, honestly, when someone is upset is not the time. Sometimes we just need to vent, to be a little upset.

I am also not saying that you need a relationship to be happy. Relationships are to enhance an already awesome life. However, some days, I just really don’t need to be reminded of that particular enhancement. I don’t want to see you kiss. I don’t even want to be near you if you can’t act like separate people. Gag. What I’m saying is, people tend to get lost inside of a relationship and forget to grow independently. You can’t live for your relationship. Your relationship survives because you want it to, not because you need it. I know what it’s like to be “lovesick” because I have been there, but sometimes I feel like hitting the people who are afflicted and screaming “Wake Up! There’s more to the world!”

Protesters disrupt Gore book-signing event in Chicago
Article: Truth Is Contagious

Justin Mangano, from Australia, was beaming after Al Gore signed his book Tuesday when his star-struck moment was interrupted by a protester being hauled out of the Borders bookstore in the Chicago Loop.

Gore was at the book store promoting the just released “Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis.” Fans were there to get his autograph and opponents came to challenge his message. Members of the group, We Are Change, were the most outspoken of Gore’s naysayers at the former vice president’s appearance at 150 N. State St. Gore’s security guards escorted the protesters from the store.

The We Are Change group contends that Gore’s message of global warming is a hoax, that he is a puppet of a new world order and that he is propagating a eugenics program.

The group claims it is “a citizens based grassroots peace and social justice movement working to reveal the truth behind the events of September 11th, as well as the lies of the government and corporate elite who remain suspect in this crime.”

“We need to wake up to this now, or it’s going to be too late. They want to tax the air we breathe and the meat we eat,” said activist Saad Ali, one of about 30 protesters at the event. ‘There are 30,000 scientists trying to sue this bum,” he screamed as he was escorted from the building.

But Gore’s fans weren’t interested in what the protesters were shouting.

Monika Hinterman, who got Gore to sign her book, said she was impressed that he was paying so much attention to climate change.

Gore’s fans weren’t interested in what the protesters were shouting because? Because they’re probably a bunch of mindless liberal drones who don’t care about facts, scientific evidence, and anything that proves that “global warming” is, in fact, a complete hoax. Just like “Barack Obama is BLAAAACK” is a lie. He’s so not. Of course Monika was impressed he’s paying so much attention to climate change. Teen fiction literature is one of today’s hot topics. He’s been busy writing these fictional books and making up fraudulent evidence… it takes a lot of work to fool this many people. Well, actually it doesn’t. It takes a lot of work to educate the libtards on the TRUTH.

“I think he’s trying to make people more aware of the issues that have gone unnoticed for too long,” Hinterman said.

Some who came to meet Gore at the book signing said that while they support free speech, the event was not the best place for a protest.

“If you have a point of view, put some facts and figures to it. Express yourself with support behind it,” said Sabolch Horvat, who carried a signed copy of the book under his arm.

Nicole Lynch bought the book to make up her mind about the science that the protesters questioned. She said she approves of his efforts to get people to take better care of the planet.

“I’m not saying he’s perfect, and I would call him out if I knew he screwed up,” Lynch said. “I’m not afraid to speak my mind.”

Well, Nicole; allow me to help you. Read my post on Al Gore and his fraudulent global warming scam HERE: An Inconvenient Al.

- BBC has found that we have not observed any increase in global temperatures for the last 11 years. Yes, that’s over ONE DECADE

- The average temperature of the water near the top of the Earth’s oceans has significantly cooled since 2003

Okay so here’s a query for you all: When did guys lose their guts?

Me personally as well as several other girls I know are very date worthy. I have been told that guys think my friends are hot etc etc, so WHY doesn’t anyone DO anything about it!? If you think a girl is attractive, Why don’t you ask her out? Why? WHY? Seriously, as long as you aren’t a creepizoid she will probably say yes. I know I would, even if I don’t know if I’m interested. That’s what dating is for.

Do I have an Unapproachable stamp on my forehead that I’m unaware of? Is there something about me, and girls in general(at least the ones I know) that says “don’t talk to me”? I know it takes courage, I really do, but where are your guts? Like I said, Yes is a very probable answer. Seriously. We’re never going to know if you don’t DO something about it.

Guys, you’ll know if a girl likes you(or at least you should), but said girl may not know you like her. And we probably aren’t going to figure it out if you Never Say Anything. Grow a pair and just do it already.

Isn’t it strange how people often get so frustrated with how other people just naturally are? We concentrate on what they could have said or should have done. We tell them how that makes us feel, and then expect an abrupt change in their behavior. Change, like most things, is gradual. We cannot rightfully expect someone’s entire attitude or tone to change just because we have pointed out that it upsets us. Is there any point in being mad at someone for being late, when they are always late and probably always will be? Is there a point to wishing someone had been clearer about the stipulations of a relationship(I’m not just talking dating here, friendships are relationships, too).

What happened to objectivity? To accepting the way people are as how they are. Yes, there are times when it’s important to let them know how their behavior impacted you, and this person will feel bad. They will probably apologize, but will they actually change? They might try, especially if whatever action was objectionable is not a regular occurrence, but nobody can go against their very nature.

How rooted is human nature, anyway? What things can change, what things can’t? The older you get, the harder it is to break free from your ways, does that mean we can completely change at the age of 20? Could we suddenly become another person with other habits and better manners who was always everyone’s image of what they should be?

Why do we hold images of how people should be? They’re never true. Somehow, some way, that person is going to disappoint you, and why? Because they didn’t fit with the image you have. You may not do it on purpose, certainly, none of us do, but yes, everyone has an ideal image for the people around them.

If we let go of that image, what happens? Will society collapse? Will all of our relationships cease to matter? No. Good friends are still good friends, you’re just annoyed at them a lot less. You can’t be mad at someone for not being something you want them to be. For not phrasing that sentence just right, for not acknowledging your point, for messing with your plans, for leaving the party early, for not wanting to share everything. For changing. For growing away a little. For not being there in person as much. For finding things that inspire them that aren’t always what inspires you. For making friends you dislike. For not doing things without questioning. For disobedience. For being bold enough to say No.

Relax. Breathe. Humans are complicated. Let them be complicated. We all make mistakes. We all have things about us that are annoying, irritating and rant-worthy. We all change. Go along for the ride. Don’t worry so much.

“Open up your plans and damn, you’re free”–Jason Mraz

Yesterday I was at the British Museum, studying, and about to leave when…

…I saw ‘queen viv’ (as I all her) in the foyer. I could not resist asking her for this! (corny, I know). She was clad in a stripy, voluminous coat, Chanel beanie hat, VW sunglasses and lace-tights. She looked completely eccentric, yet beautifully elegant.

This sort of thing never happens to me!