Thinking about things I want to get rid off with the old year I came up with two so far.
Number One: a few kilos. Came (again) to the realization that to keep my ideal weight I either have to stay hungry or start seriously exercising. Probably both, which is totally unrealistic. I start with cutting out sugar (as much as possible) and eat only half of what I would eat normally.
Liz Hurley said she only eats once a day, but then until she is full. Stuffing myself once a day? Might be an option. I hate being over my comfortable weight.

Another thing is envy. Sometimes I drift into envy. I start to envy people for things which I don’t have for a reason. I envy people who have a regular income, though I don’t want to work in a regular job. I envy people who live in a beautiful house, though I never wanted to make an effort to save and pay and buy and build and paint and decorate and hunt for furnintures.

The point is, I am actually very content with my life and everything in it is because I made a conscious choice for it. Only sometimes I am tired of my life and I want to live someone elses life. Only to find out, this is not for me. It is an old bad habit which doesn’t even makes sense to me. I will put it now into the big black bag.

Eins der Dinge, die ich im alten Jahr zurücklassen möchte sind ein paar Kilos (dafür wird es leider schon zu spät sein).

Ich kam (mal wieder) zu der Einsicht dass ich, um mein Idealgewicht zu halten entweder dauherhaft hungern muss oder mich ernsthaft bewegen. Beides ist eher unrealistisch.

Liz Hurley behauptet sie esse nur einmal am Tag, dann aber so richtig. Mich einmal am Tag vollstopfen und ansosnsten hungern wäre vielleicht eine Lösung.

Eine andere schlechte Angewohnheit, die ich gerne zurücklassen möchte ist Neid. Manchmal beneide ich Menschen für etwas, das ich aus gutem Grund nicht habe. Ich beneide sie um ein festes Einkommen, obwohl ich keinen regelmässigen Job haben möchte, oder um ein Haus, ohne dass ich den ganzen Aufwand jemals auf mich nehmen möchte. Nicht so, dass ich es ihnen nicht gönne, sondern, dass ich es auch haben will.Es ist eine alte Gewohnheit, die eigentlich längst überholt ist, sie überrascht mich selbst, wenn sie sich selten genug anschleicht. Sie will ich in die grosse schwarze Abfalltüte stecken.

Ich bin im Grunde sehr und sogar mehr als zufrieden mit meinem Leben. Alles, was ich habe oder nicht habe, ist mit einer bewussten Entscheidung dafür oder dagegen verbunden. Nur manchmal möchte ich ein wenig Abwechslung und das Leben einer anderen  für kurze Zeit leben, nur um danach desto lieber in mein eigenes Leben zurückzukommen. Oder auch nicht, wer weiß. Hab es ja noch nie versucht. Wäre eigentlich ein guter Romanstoff.

“Whilst you sit in front of your roaring fire tucking into the brandy covered pudding, turkey fat still dripping from your chin, give a thought to those less fortunate.  All it takes is one commission and the illustrators of the UK will have a better Christmas.

The average UK illustrator will have a luke warm turkey pot noodle and eat alone whilst listening to Radiohead in a cold flat whilst rocking backwards and forwards to keep warm.  Their family has abandoned them due to their fascist comments about Christmas branding, left in the dark, cold, lonely, silent.  You have the power to stop this once and for all.”

Words of Wisdom from Neil Duerden.

AHHHHHH!!!! im so excited!

i got a new laptop!

for an early christmas present. it sooo cool. and the best part is…. i can get on the blog more! i can look for thinspo more! i can chat on the forums (for ana) more! and it distracts me from eating! its sooo great.

anyways, other than that this week has been okay. the only bad thing is ….. i got my period. i was just like WTF. im anorexic, i havent had my period in five months, WHATS THE DEAL!? like about a year ago, i didnt have my period for six months, and it was WONDERFUL. i hate it when i get my period, but it was also a good thing because it helps me starve. i just want my period to disappear forever, so iv probably eaten about 800 calories since wednesday

lost some weight. yippee.

ughh so i gotta babysit later, but i will definitely update the thinspo tomorrow!

heres a little something from me to you!

I’ve got 20 pesos. I’m dead. LOL. Wish I were Dr. Jones.

Cancer cells are in our body. You, me and everybody.

In normal circumstances and in standard tests, the cells will not show up until the cells are multiplied to a few billions. When doctors tell cancer patients that there’re no more cancer cells detected in the patient’s body after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

Chemotherapy treatment and its after effect.                                                                                                  Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly growing healthy cells in the marrow, gastro-intestinal tract and others which can cause damage to organs like liver, kidneys heart and lungs.
When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation, the immune system, is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.
An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with foods that would help it to multiply.

The food for cancer to multiply will be in the coming posting.

I really liked this book.  It had great stories and facts.  It really opened your eyes to the multiple causes of Hunger in the world.  If you are concerned about issues of Justice and fairness, you will want to read this.  It can be hard at times to read this because of the reality of the situation for so many millions in the world.  Click here to read the Amazon reviews.

Throughout the years, I have not been convinced on the impact donations were going to make a difference to world poverty. Every minute, some corner of the globe, donations are piling in from people who feel the urge to help end this plague. Despite all the greatly publicized 700 mouths that were fed; 2000 kids who now could go to school; 500 kids who received dental checks; how is that in anyway helping these communities?

In these poverty stricken nations, temporary measures aren’t going to fly. These countries and communities need to be given a complete overhaul in terms of their amenities, infrastructure and thinking. I’m not suggesting that they forget their culture and move onto living like people in the developed nations, but an improvement in these social infrastructures would be more beneficial. It’s just like the metaphor of giving a person bread or teaching them to grow the wheat. It’s elementary.

If our forefathers just provided us with food and not passed on the trade from generation to generation, we would have starved to death by now, or, maybe found a different way to live.

In short donations are not going to fix poverty. Donations I think make people in developed countries feel that they have done their bit in lending a hand in this dire situation. However, the reality is that undoubtedly you might help prevent a kid from starving for a day, but you are not equipping him with the skills to defend himself in the future. Even schooling, you might help put 2000 kids in school, but how would that help their starving families who count on them as the sole bread winners?

It is a very tough decision, but I think the bottom line is this. The children are the ones we should be addressing, and we are definitely heading in the right direction by trying to put the children in schools. In these poverty stricken areas, the main concern is whether or not food will be on the table for supper; education is the last thing on anyone’s mind. So in order for these parents to willingly see their children get an education is to somehow prevent that from being a question.

As to how that can be achieved there is no easy solution. Creating jobs in these third world countries, or passing on skills to them instead of feeding them might work. I don’t claim to have the answer but all in all a more sustainable form of giving would definitely be more beneficial.

Laugh At Them

 Laugh at them
for sparing cows
to starve their children.

 Laugh at ourselves
for felling forests
to wipe our butts.

Men sprawl
upon the land
onto the seas
up in the winds
come paradise
or ice deserts.

 Is it in the stars
or in the garden
where our future
will win out
against our past?

Marc Ladewig
Author of Odysseus-The Epic Myth of the Hero

Your hair is frizzy.  It looks like shit.
You’ve got a double chin.
You have zits all over your fucking face… disgusting.
Your nose is too big.
Your eyebrows are so thick.
Your neck is also thick.
Your chest is too big.
Your shoulders are wide.
Your arms, wrists, and fingers are incredibly fat.
You have ugly scars up and down your arms that I made you put there.
Your stomach is huge and you have so many fat rolls.
Your hips are so wide.
Your thighs are disgusting and flabby.
Your knees are fat.
That’s not muscle on your calves, it’s fat.
Your feet are huge and ugly.

You’re a stupid piece of shit and no one wants you.  So starve yourself, bitch, and maybe.. just maybe, you can make some of this better.

Love always,
Ana

Okay…

I’ve lost 4.5 lbs in 3 days and it makes me happy, okay?

I’m starving, and I so badly want to eat.

How can I be happy?

Because I’m a lower weight then I’ve been since “recovery”.

Fuck.

I’m looking at my STUPID ASS chart I made for all the days until November 7. Today, I’ve set a goal of all liquids. Tomorrow 100 calories or less. Kill me. I don’t want to do this.

183 calories today:

matcha green tea with soy: 33

butternut squash soup: 140

kimchi: 10

I burned 1253 at work…

I’m pleased with myself in some ways but not pleased in other ways…I shouldn’t be pleased at all. Should I be mad at myself? I don’t know what I should be.

I woke up this morning and my mom was nuts. She gets depressed in the winter and I asked her to seek help because I don’t feel like being treated like crap another winter season. Normally when she gets crazy, I get really upset and don’t eat. It’s one of those times when I can’t deal with stress, so it turns into an issue with food because food is easier to control.

I think my new goal should be to learn to deal with stress. I can’t HANDLE stress in any way. It’s always, “Deal by binging when you’re mad at you” and “Deal by starving when it’s something you can’t control”…I just figured this last night while I was writing in my journal. It seems like that’s what it’s always like…except for the occasional “I can’t help it” days where I do one or the other.

I don’t plan on eating much tomorrow either. I even said I’d work at my job I hate so I could burn lots of calories and stay out of my house/kitchen. I have a job interview in the morning and I’m going straight to work after. I’m bringing a piece of fruit for between interview and work. I hope I don’t feel too faint at work. I mean, eating would help but today I’m just too goddamn fat.

Daughter saves mother, 80, left by doctors to starve. AN 80-year-old grandmother who doctors identified as terminally ill and left to starve to death has recovered after her outraged daughter intervened.
Hazel Fenton, from East Sussex, is alive nine months after medics ruled she had only days to live, withdrew her antibiotics and denied her artificial feeding. The former school matron had been placed on a controversial care plan intended to ease the last days of dying patients.
Doctors say Fenton is an example of patients who have been condemned to death on the Liverpool care pathway plan. They argue that while it is suitable for patients who do have only days to live, it is being used more widely in the NHS, denying treatment to elderly patients who are not dying.
Fenton’s daughter, Christine Ball, who had been looking after her mother before she was admitted to the Conquest hospital in Hastings, East Sussex, on January 11, says she had to fight hospital staff for weeks before her mother was taken off the plan and given artificial feeding.

I’ve always wished that I could be like you,
So immune to the words that people whisper
So I cry, praying that you’ll hear me
Screaming into the middle of tonight.
This tickle in my throat can’t survive,
I won’t let this go past now,
I can’t and I won’t let me down.
I could care less about you, however.
I’m not doing this for you, you see
I’m doing it for me.
Let me starve until I am bones
Until I am pure again
And unfazed by the stares that you send my way
I am making this through
Sitting here by myself
Wishing for the control that I can’t have
Wanting nothing more than beauty and purity
Needing this that I carry to die
And crying because I cannot wait for that day.

Eating just one breaksfast and a sushi in 2 days. Then, a magnificent, huge massive, dinner at a good restaurant. Prosit.

Advocates of a low calorie diets have been increasing, and gained the public’s interests since popular diets like Zone diet, Medifast, Atkins and South Beach Diet have came up with a low calorie menu with about 1200 calories per day. What’s surprising is that it is a scientifically proven fact that people who take a low calorie diet have longer life spans, less prone to disease, illness, and tend to experience less depression and anxiety.

But still there are people who go for fast food and upsized beverages. What many people don’t realize is when they continue to buy these types of products; they are making health sacrifices because of the value. But notice that it doesn’t feel so good after you finish eating. In most cases, you will feel the side effects of over eating. These types of eating habits as a lifestyle will lead to weight gain, heart ailments and other diseases.

Is that it? Is that how it feels like? Really? Is it that easy?
So here is my day and how I made it NOT to binge and NOT to purge and to OVERCOME the urge.

I got up early, I started my day at Starbucks and had a Soy Chai and a Very Berry Coffeecake. A conscious choice. Not the most healthy food, not the most unhealthy neither, simply something I felt like eating. I enjoyed it very much, sitting on the porch at Starbucks, checking my email, browsing the web a bit and having a cigarette. The only one in a few days and the only one for a few days. I just felt like it.
So, I went to the Department, prepared class and went over to the other building to teach.
I love teaching. I love it. It is so much fun and so fulfilling. I have some really smart kids sitting in there and they really make me stun. It shows me how great the human being is and how complex we are indeed, too.
After teaching I had to carry like 40 notebooks back… It was a hassle. I had an earlier lunch break than usually, simply because I was hungry. I did not really have time, but I took my time. I even did not bother about thinking about the pile of work waiting for me. I had a good conversation with a colleague and then had to see one of my profs. Good indeed, too. I remembered that I can do it. I felt good about what I was doing. I saw the light at the end glimming for a second. Long enough to lighten my day.
I had a snack after class and went on with my work. Finished it at 4.30 and decided to keep on working.
My mom called in between and I got home at like 7pm. Finally. Still exhausted.
I had a good dinner: salad, grain bread with deli turkey and goat cheese.
BUT….
then I would eat a bit Haribo. Bad idea. I began counting calories, I started feeling bad about the, well, two handfull of candy treats… and I thought, well I could binge and purge it all…
BUT…
it was not me thinking that. It was Bulimia. She was getting louder and louder, and then her friend joined it. The one who controls my starving. He (I don’t know why it’s a male friend), well he was being very sarcastic. Telling me how proud he was that I starved in the past, that I did really good on those days, but that this was wrong, that I am ruining it all. “Can’t you feel your pants getting tighter?” “Can’t you see the fat on your body?”
Yes, certainly I could. Certainly. I still can.
BUT…
For the sake of my life, I fucking don’t care.
I don’t care as long as I can feel myself, my emotions, me being alive.

In fact my dear friends made me walk to the kitchen about 10 times. Back and forth – forth and back. I opened the fridge. No real easy binge foods. I opened the freezer. No real easy binge foods either. I opened the boards. Nope…
Ok, there were some foods I could turn into binge foods. I had sugar. I had condiments. I had butter and salt and all that…
You can steal from your roommates food.
Ok, no. That was enough. I left the kitchen.
That’s not what I want.
I walked around a bit. Very lost. Confused. But then slowly my spirit came back.
And here I am watching a movie. I drank a diet coke. I usually don’t because it makes me feel bloated. And I feel that way, but I don’t care, because I am just proud I defeated that urge. I did it. And I will in the future. This is not equal the control I was exercising in terms of counting on a number on the scale, counting calories or minutes running or exercising. It was all about being conscious about what I do. Not numbing myself out, but standing through the pain.
It is a great feeling to be strong.
It really is. And Bulimia and this stupid starving friend are fighting now on their own, accusing each other for failing, for being weaker than my consciousness. haha, fuck you!

Although I shouldn’t call it that I know I need to change my life.
I purged the hell out of me yesterday, felt awful all night and this morning.
Even though I was not hungry this morning, I had a muffin and Soy Chai from Starbucks, just because I know that structured eating is supposed to help me.
I feel bloated and fat, I feel like last night I gained about 5 Ibs and yet this voice inside of me is telling me to starve. I resisted and had a muffin. But this voice now calls me fat and ugly and weak and I start slipping in this hole.

I am not okay today and I just wished the day was over already. I am scared and alone. The only people I really hang out with are both gone home for a month or two now, so I am seriously left alone. There is no distraction. But there will also not be social eating events now. Which might be a good thing, but I guess it will be more appreciated by my starve-control team. It’s ridiculous.
Also, Sarah has never called about group meeting, so I assume there will be none next week or not even in the entire semester. I am again left to deal with myself alone. And I get the idea, I understand how I have to do this for myself and only for myself, but I cannot face so much pain alone. Seriously, who can?
I’m not just trapped in my eating disorder, but also have I experienced so much disappointment, for example in losing my friend, in being betrayed by the same “friend”, in losing my boyfriend, whom I wasn’t even aware of being in a relationship with, being betrayed in so many other ways actually including myself, failing, falling down, failing again. And I am scared. I wished I could lose this fear, but I don’t know how and time does not help. It’s gotten worse ever since recovery started.
I am so scared.
Why can’t somebody just hold me and tell me that I will be fine?

Difficulties. It’s a time of difficulties again. I’m close to relapse… if I can actually call it that…
I think I need to conduct a review of my current ED situation. So, here is where I was – let’s say – 2 months ago:

Alternation between totally B/P free and B/P heavy weeks.

The heavy weeks were characterized by B/P or P alone up to 5 times a day.
In addition I would purge by running.

The B/P free weeks were characterized by starving during the day and total control at night.
In addition to the morning run I would also walk extra far and swim in the evening.

I lost 15Ibs in a month and a half.
I felt awful.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I felt worthless.
I put myself down.
I lied to others.
I would not be me.
I spend hours at one task.
I felt alone.
I felt hopeless.
I felt hurt and bruised.
I lost Daniel.
I lost a friend.

And now?!
I have an eating disorder that is not only bulimic, but also anorexic.
I have body image distortion.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have bad mood swings.
I am scared of food.
I want to be thin.
I want to live.
I want to be me.
I sometimes have hope.
I sometimes feel good.
I sometimes think I can make it.
But
I still starve.
I still overexercise.
I still worry too much about food, my body and weight.
I don’t know my weight. It is driving me crazy, but I am strong and I don’t check my weight at the gym. Blind checks are done when I see Amanda. It’s driving me crazy. I feel fat. I feel every gramm I gain.
I still feel the need to be perfect.
I still want to please everyone else.
I still feel alone at times.
I still miss Daniel.

But I want to love myself.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be passionate.
I want to live my life.
I want people to acknowledge me for who I am.
And I want it now…

I need to learn to be patient.
I need to learn to be alone.
I need to learn that failure is ok.
I need to learn that noone is perfect.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to eat.
I need to acknowledge myself.
I need to be conscious of my life and the world.
I need to find inner peace.
I need to focus.
I need to recover.
And I need to understand that I have to do this for myself and only for myself.

So, I guess, what this shows me, is that I am still in the midst of my ED. The ED is the driving force of my life and I need to slowly detach her. I need to slowly find my own way and I need to finally live again. I miss my life. I remember I had a life at some point when I was younger, when I would not B/P. I miss it.
Should I go somewhere else?
Should I teach in some remote village somewhere on this planet voluntarily?
I feel like and I always felt like I am here on this planet to help others who are off worse. Why is it so hard to help? What do I have to do? I should go to South America. I want to help others. How? I have so much love to give.

Or would I run away from myself again?

Ok, I had originally decided to make thursday my “focus on recovery day”. But wrong… is not working. I have to work. But I had an appointment with my nutritionist today and also with my psychiatrist.
The nutritionist started out with weighing myself. I lost 3 more pounds… I really don’t feel it thought. My friend was here all last week and we did eat and I did not starve and I did not even exercise, so I believe muscles are gone, fat is back, since muscles weigh more than fat… and all these theories in my head.
Anyway, she disapproves with such. At any rate, I told her that I was just so so so so scared of gaining weight. I seriously don’t want to lose more, I don’t want to be anorexic, but I want to be thin. I really want to be thin so so badly. She says – and of course she says that, it’s her job – well, that I really should not lose more. But I am so fat, and I don’t want to gain and I am just scared of so many foods and eating and I feel like I am obsessed with these issues now. I told her and she wants to help me lose that fear and obsession. I am not sure yet, how but I hope it will work. She asked me again on how serious I was with recovery and I again told her that it is just not working for me, like I wished I simply did not have to deal with it at all. But I guess I can’t change it and I have to deal with it now.
We set up a meal plan, or at least talk about different dishes or food items that I should incorporate in my day. We decided on eating 4 times a day. 3 full meals and one snack. More my tight schedule simply does not allow. So, I need to incorporate more protein and more dietary fats… I am kind of scared of those, although I know that protein is even necessary if I want to keep up my exercising. The idea to eat pasta or rice, however, is just immensely scary to me. I LOVE pasta, but it is my typical “let’s start a binge (and Purge)” session type of food. I am so so scared to binge, that I developed the habit not to eat at all, or basically avoid food.
At any rate, she asked me what I wanted to work on with her in the future and besides the things I just mentioned above it certainly is to reestablish my view of my body. I start to believe that I might really have body image distortion, but I don’t know enough about it to really say I do.
I need to do more research and sort things out.

At the psychiatrist I actually started crying. I wanted to tell her right away that things are not working the way I expect them to and that it is all kind of difficult and frustrating for me to understand. I really don’t understand how it came about for me to be the way I am today. I kind of scratched the difficulties I am facing at school, in the department and work-wise. I just cannot meet the demanded standard anymore, I feel overwhelmed and scared. She told me that I have anxiety and that this is part of my depression. Further she said that depression was part of my eating disorder. I forgot to ask what was there first. But probably in the end it doesn’t matter?!
I am not sure. I know I am depressed and I know I have an eating disorder. I know I need to recover. BUT what started out like a journey to find my true self just turned in to be a pragmatic healing process, which may eventually not really help.
Seriously, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My psychiatrist said that I am too impatient. Maybe, yes, but sorry? I need to work, I need to be better NOW. I have no time to waste on this and I just can’t stand myself any longer like this either. The whole process is frustratingly too slow.
BUT, I guess she gave me an option to speed it up: meds! So, serotonin is missing in my brain and it can be helped by an anti-depressant and eventually I will recognize a change. Some people, however, don’t, but apparently the people around. Strange explanation. Anyway, I ALWAYS opposed and refused Meds but I guess it is the only way for me to speed it up.
She said that I should at least try, but she did not quite understand my question on what happens if I then one day don’t take it anymore. I mean, what I know about anti-depressants is that many people fall back into their usual cycles and there is actually a high number of suicidal reactions after stopping the intake. So, I have to do more research on that as well.
Further she explained to me how the situation with Daniel (the break up) has eventually lead to trigger my depression. As well as the time back home. That is why I will not go home now for a while. I believe I am better off here and I also believe I don’t want anyone to visit me in the next few months or year. I really need to beat my mental illness first and then deal with the triggering moments. I cannot run away from Daniel, unfortunately. This would have been my choice if I was in Germany. I would run, fast and far. But here I have no chance, but work in the same building, live in the same city and basically breathe the same air. Plus, I feel like he is the only one who can help me besides my doctors. Emailing him or talking to him does stir up a lot of emotions, but I am starting to accept them and I am staring to work with them or I am at least telling myself so.
At any rate, I have to start taking meds to feel better faster.
Then I need to focus on the little things. But thinking about it now, really scares me. When Paula said it this morning, I felt like she was right, but now it feels undoable, because I ALWAYS have other things on my mind at the same time. It is not that easy. I can lay out plans and set up times, I will still not start doing what deserves priority just like right now when I rather just type down what’s on my mind. And yes, this is exhausting, too.. And it is already 1pm.
Ok, breathe, she said, breathe in deep and breathe out… I am trying, but I feel like my chest is strangulated. I cannot breathe. I am so overwhelmed. And lost and lonely and sad. I want to escape. Paula said I need to accept these feelings. They are not mine. They are coming from the depression. And I know she is right, just like Jenni separated herself from Ed, I need to do the same, just that my Ed focuses more on the destruction of myself than on the obsession with food and weight, although this is certainly one thing my Ed incorporates and performs perfectly well also. And My Ed is called Bulimia. And yes, she is female. And I hate her very much. I hate her as much as I can hate myself and yes, that is a lot. And I believe with every move I can make to eliminate her I will eliminate my self hatred feelings and disgust.
I’ll fight.
For myself.