In his book entitled “The 7 habits of Highly Successful People” Steven Covey very aptly captured the essence of what is required for any successful venture. The 2nd habit as mentioned by Steven Covey is “Beginning With the End in Mind”. Steven Covey described this as the ability to envision in the mind what one cannot yet see in the physical world.

When it comes to fitness or weight loss, this essentially means to begin your weight loss or fitness initiative with a clear vision of your desired direction, destination and effort. The destination is the result that you want to have at the end of your efforts.  The direction is the plan that you need to have to achieve the goal. The effort is the work required for you to achieve the goal.

1.  Define The Weight Loss Goal Clearly

One should clearly define the amount of fat that one wants to lose. Alternatively, it could mean a certain body fat percentage that you would want to achieve. For someone trying to lose weight for health reasons, it could mean achieving a target cholesterol or  blood pressure level. These numbers must be defined.

2. Committing the Weight Loss Goal to Paper

Once the goal has been established, it should be penned down on paper. A lot of people leave their goal in their heads and never commit it to paper. Countless research has shown that committing your goals to paper puts you ahead of 90% of the people out there who never get pass this stage.

3.  Look at Your Weight Loss Goals as Often as Possible

Once the goal has been firmly etched on a piece of paper, place that commitment somewhere you can see it as often as possible. One obvious place would be the dashboard of your car or on the panel of your computer screen. The key is to see it as often as possible.

4.  Formulate a Weight Loss Plan of Action

The next step is have a plan of action to achieve the desired goal. A lot of people omit this step. The weight loss plan is the bridge between where you are now and where you want to go. Without this bridge, you cannot get to your goals. The plan too should be committed to paper. Someone wanting to lose weight should firmly establish the day and time of each exercise session in the week. The exercise sessions need to be booked in advance. In the absence of this commitment, one could easily find other activities taking precedence.

5. Do the Work to Achieve Your Weight Loss Goals

The next step is to do the necessary work to achieve the goal. As Steven Covey says, flex your proactive muscles to make your dreams happen. It’s not enough to have a written down goal if you are not going to do anything to achieve it. So its essential that you do not miss out on those exercise sessions. Apart from your exercises, also be vigilant about your diet. Be aware of what you are eating.

6.  Keep Track of Progress

Check your progress often. Feedback is the breakfast of champions. Take measurements every 2 weeks to ensure that your weight loss program is working. If there is no progress, it would be wise to go back to the drawing board to assess what is not right.

With these 6 steps in place, you could take concrete steps to achieve your weight loss goals. Do make sure that you take steps that are in line with correct weight loss principles. This essentially means focusing on fat loss while preserving your existing muscle mass.

All images courtesy of stock.xchng

Tags: begin with end in mind, goals, weight loss goals, 2nd habit, Steven Covey, 7 habits of highly effective people, weight loss plan, weight loss feedback

über Prioritätenplanung – Prof. Dr. Jörg Knoblauch (tempus-Zeitplanbuchsysteme) ist Keynote-Speaker und Koryphäe auf dem Gebiet:

[Die Idee mit den Steinen hat er zwar bei Steven Covey geklaut, aber auch das gehört zum Berateralltag dazu. Copy and Paste. ]

Hier das Original: Wer Steven Covey als Consultant oder Coach nicht kennt, hat die wesentlichen Denker der westlichen Management-Hemisphäre verpasst. Seine Bücher (Seven Habits of highly effektive people, Der 8. Weg) sind Pflichtliteratur für jeden Profi.

Steven Covey had introduced and elaborated on the concept of  paradigms and “paradigm shifts” in his best-selling book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. A paradigm is the lens with which you see something. For instance, you may have your ideas about how a child should be raised. This is your paradigm about child raising. You may also have your paradigm about how people should behave in public. This could be your social paradigm.

Different people have different paradigms about issues that are important to them in life. This paradigm is a reinforcement of years of programming. A certain individual may see a woman in a short skirt and would admire the beauty of her endless legs. Another person may see the same woman and  think that the woman is exposing too much of flesh. They are seeing the same woman. It looks as though they have a completely different lenses with which they are seeing the woman.

With that in mind, would it be possible if the man who sees too much flesh in a woman could admire the same woman for her endless beautiful legs? This could happen if the man changes the lens with which he sees the woman. This is what is called a paradigm shift.

Similarly, people also see weight loss through their own distinct lenses. People have a paradigm about weight loss. They have their worldview as to how weight should be loss or how fitness could be attained.

Mary believes that she would have achieved weight loss Nirvana, if she went down from 65 kgs to 58kgs. Her worldview of the ideal body is defined by 58kgs. This is the reason why Mary would go to the ends of world to diet and starve her self.

Mary is governed by the lenses which she wears when looking at weight loss. That is Mary’s paradigm about weight loss. Mary is intelligent and fully comprehends that starvation activates the body’s starvation response. Her starvation results in her body losing muscles and water with limited amounts of fat. You could try your best to explain to Mary about the ill effects of starving her self down to her target weight. But it will not be that easy for Mary to change  her view of weight loss.

What Mary needs to realize is that fat loss is absolutely necessary to achieve a well-defined body. A well-defined body is not determined by its weight but by the percentage of body fat that one carries. Try telling that to Mary whose worldview of weight loss is centered around the weight scales and you will realize how frustrating it could be.

Can one’s paradigm be changed. Can one change the lenses with which one sees an issue. It’s possible but it requires one to unlearn and relearn. There is a saying that we are the same people in 5 years except for the people we mix with and the books we read. You could change our paradigm about any issue by being in the company of a group of people whose majority have the paradigm that you want to achieve. You could also change your paradigm by reading books that will mould your thinking in the direction of the paradigm that you want to achieve.

In class discussions on leadership, we read an article written by Steven Covey in Executive Excellence (1994) titled “New Wine, Old Bottles.”

Covey states that most training programs try to put new wine in old bottles. For example, they take the “new wine” concept of servant leadership and try to combine it with the old command-and-control or benevolent authoritarian approach. He says that the leader then becomes a wolf in sheep’s clothing because their basic style has not changed.

Servant leadership requires humility of character and core competency around a new skill set. To become servant leaders, Covey lists three steps that executives must take.

1. Build relationships of trust
2. Set up win-win performance agreements
3. Be a source of help

In servant leadership, the leader no longer takes the position of a servant. He/she no longer directs, controls, or judges. Instead, they become a coach and resource for help.  Their whole goal is to coach and lead their team members to excellence (even if it may become greater than the leader’s).

Covey also states that servant leaders should ask four questions in mutual accountability sessions

1. How’s it going? or what’s happening?
2. What are you learning from this situation?
3. What are your goals now?
4. How can I help you?

He states that without this new mindset, servant leadership won’t work. It’s like putting new wine in old wineskins. It requires a change in mindset of managers and leaders.  It requires that managers become compassionate to the performance struggles of their employees and help them succeed.

Covey mentions that servant leadership is not soft or “touchy-feely” stuff – it takes guts to do. He also mentions that critics of servant leadership are people who want more dramatic near-term results, but servant leadership is a system that takes time to fully blossom but will yield much more stable and consistent long-term results.

Ingin sukses dalam belajar? Ingin mendapatkan suatu cara efektif untuk belajar dengan menyenangkan? Berikut ini adalah 7 (tujuh) langkah yang dapat kamu lakukan dan kembangkan sendiri yang diadaptasi dari buku Seven Habits of Highly Effective People karangan Steven Covey.

1. Bertanggung jawab atas dirimu sendiri.

Tanggung jawab merupakan tolok ukur sederhana di mana kamu sudah mulai berusaha menentukan sendiri prioritas, waktu dan sumber-sumber terpercaya dalam mencapai kesuksesan belajar.

2. Pusatkan dirimu terhadap nilai dan prinsip yang kamu percaya.

Tentukan sendiri mana yang penting bagi dirimu. Jangan biarkan teman atau orang lain mendikte kamu apa yang penting.
3. Kerjakan dulu mana yang penting.
Kerjakanlah dulu prioritas-prioritas yang telah kamu tentukan sendiri. Jangan biarkan orang lain atau hal lain memecahkan perhatianmu dari tujuanmu.
4. Anggap dirimu berada dalam situasi “co-opetition” (bukan situasi “win-win” lagi).

“Co-opetition” merupakan gabungan dari kata “cooperation” (kerja sama) dan “competition” (persaingan). Jadi, selain sebagai teman yang membantu dalam belajar bersama dan banyak memberikan masukkan/ide baru dalam mengerjakan tugas, anggaplah dia sebagai sainganmu juga dalam kelas. Dengan begini, kamu akan selalu terpacu untuk melakukan yang terbaik (do your best) di dalam kelas.
5. Pahami orang lain, maka mereka akan memahamimu.

Ketika kamu ingin membicarakan suatu masalah akademis dengan guru/dosenmu, misalnya mempertanyakan nilai matematika atau meminta dispensasi tambahan waktu untuk mengumpulkan tugas, tempatkan dirimu sebagai guru/dosen tersebut. Nah, sekarang coba tanyakan pada dirimu, kira-kira argumen apa yang paling pas untuk diberikan ketika berada dalam posisi guru/dosen tersebut.

6. Cari solusi yang lebih baik.
Bila kamu tidak mengerti bahan yang diajarkan pada hari ini, jangan hanya membaca ulang bahan tersebut. Coba cara lainnya. Misalnya, diskusikan bahan tersebut dengan guru/dosen pengajar, teman, kelompok belajar atau dengan pembimbing akademismu. Mereka akan membantumu untuk mendapatkan pemahaman yang lebih baik.
7. Tantang dirimu sendiri secara berkesinambungan.

Dengan cara ini, belajar akan terasa mengasyikkan, dan mungkin kamu mendapatkan ide-ide yang cemerlang.

A cup of love!

When I speak of self-love, I do not mean self-centeredness, conceit, or boastful arrogance. These are all extreme attributes. We recognize that any positive attribute can become unhealthy when it shifts to the extreme.

Rather, I am referring to the feeling of self-worth and self-acceptance, both recognized as components of a person’s ability to effectively function and co-exist in society.

Growing up, most of us heard a thousand times how it is better to give than to receive. That’s true, but in the process of giving, some of us (particularly, I would say, women and mothers) get so used to selflessly giving to others that we forget about giving to ourselves.

Over the years, I have tended to neglect myself to a fault while taking care of others. However, we know from both the Quran and Hadith that we have obligations to ourselves as well — obligations to nourish our souls, minds, and bodies with the bountiful resources that Allah has blessed us with.

Also we have an obligation to get proper sleep, to exercise, to strive for our sustenance. In fact, taking care of ourselves actually helps us draw closer to Allah and better serve His creation.

While I could not find much written about the Islamic perspective on self-love, most of us are familiar with the saying, “We cannot know (or worship) Allah until we know ourselves.”

Self-knowledge requires positive self-regard and self-acceptance. A person who is afflicted with feelings of negative self-worth, and self-doubt is not at peace to optimally worship Allah.

There is a considerable body of literature on the importance of self-love from the perspective of psychologists, psychotherapists, and spiritual teachers. Self-love is a crucial aspect of self-esteem, which psychologist Abraham Maslow recognized as a higher need in his hierarchy of human needs.

Life coach Cathy Holloway Hill also speaks to the spiritual aspect of self-love, which she defines as:

Inner peace, a connection with God… a condition of awareness, a way of perceiving, an attitude, which results in an integrated perception of the world, and in turn, a perception of your connection with God” and the restoration of our innate spiritual center so that “love from our Divine Creator flows freely into our body, minds, emotional bodies and spirit. Love is (then) expressed outwardly towards others and oneself as a natural flow.

If asked, the majority of us would say we love ourselves. However, upon examining our overall behavior and our lives, we might conclude that our feelings of self-worth leave something to be desired.

Some experts consider low-self esteem to be a rampant problem today, and some even tie it to all other problems that humans suffer — relationships, health, money, or work problems. Psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden describes inadequate self-esteem as the one common denominator in all neurotic problems.

Dean Ornish, medical doctor and author of Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy,reveals how he came to realize that having loving relationships is not about finding the right person; rather, it is about being the right person:

The more love I feel for myself, the more love I have to give others. As I feel more compassion for myself, I have a greater capacity to view others with more compassion and with less judgment.

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Seperti biasa, hari minggu adalah jatah saya untuk berisi-bersih kamar kerja blogging di rumah. Selain bau asap rokok, kamar tersebut berantakan: buku berceceran, kertas berserakan, dan puntung rokok menggunung di asbak. Plus terngiang isteri yang ngomel-ngomel terus: “Ini kamar atau sarang tikus sih…”

Brak-brik-bruk…Bla-Bla-Bla…Yada-yada-yada, saya membereskan buku-buku yang berserakan dan menumpuk di dus butut ke lemari plastik. Buzzz…, saat memindahkan buku yang ada di kardus, saya tertegun membaca buku Rahasia Sukses The Best CEO di Indonesia (PT Elex Media Komputindo). Buku ini saya beli di Gramedia Serpong, saat saya training Emisi Udara di Pusat Sarana Pengendalian Dampak Lingkungan (KLH) November 2008 lalu.

Intinya, buku ini mengupas empat fungsi kepemimpinan yang dikembangkan Steven Covey yaitu CEO sebagai perintis, penyelaras, pemberdaya, dan panutan.  Gambaran singkat empat fungsi kepemimpinan ini adalah sebagai berikut:

• Sebagai Perinstis: CEO harus membuka jalan dengan mengembangkan visi, misi, dan strategi yang sejalan dengan harapan para pemangku kepentingannya.
• Sebagai Penyelaras: Ia harus piawai menyelaraskan seluruh sistem dalam organisasi agar mampu bekerja sama dan saling sinergi.
• Sebagai Pemberdaya: Ia selalu menumbuhkan lingkungan agar setiap orang dalam organisasi mampu dan bersedia memberikan yang terbaik.
• Sebagai Panutan: Ia bertanggung jawab atas tutur kata, sikap, perilaku, dan keputusan-keputusan yang diambilnya.

Nah, bagi Anda yang ingin menjadi pemimpin organisasi (Ketua OSIS, Ketua Senat Mahasiswa, Ketua Koperasi, Ketua Pramuka, dan sebagainya) harus memiliki empat fungsi kepemimpinan di atas. Dengan demikian peluang Anda menjadi pemimpin sukses semakin besar.

External Links:

• What is a research paper
• Steps in writing a scientific paper
• Format scientific papers
• How to write titles of scientific papers
• Paper Writing Tips
  

Stephen Covey talks about the concept of win-win, which pretty much boils down to engaging in behaviors, relationships, work endeavors, etc. that allow people both parties to come up as winners.

After thoroughly experimenting with concepts from Neurosemantics (I’m just addicted to change models), and understanding at a core level, that our map of reality is NOT reality.  In essence, how we perceive reality is merely how we represent reality inside our nervous system and it is limited by many factors.  Just think about all of the spectrum of light we can’t see.  It’s there, yet for most of us it is not part of how we view the world.    By having this knowledge, I decided that I can choose to create my own concepts, live by them and thus create a reality.

There’s a cool story I read in one of the NLP books that talked about a tribe that didn’t have the concept of stealing, and since the word did not exist the reality did not exist for them. The concept just did not exist. Imagine that. What happened later was that some people came and thought them that stealing did exist and how to detect it. Blah, blah, blah. So, then, when they finally realized that stealing “did exist”, then they started having problems with it. This is just a cool little story that highlights how a reality is created.

With this in mind, I have decided to create the concept of win-win-win-win. I’ll come up with a catchier name later. This concept pretty much states that there are certain behavior, endeavors, etc. that are beneficial for both parties involved AND also the people close to these people AND also the greated good as a whole. Just imagine what life would be like if we lived based on these concepts. Cool stuff. I don’t know…I might write a book on it.  I’m always thinking up stuff.  I have so many ideas, and so little time.

We were watching “Jeopardy” the other night, as we do frequently.  I can’t remember the category, but the the answer was “‘I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my ___.’”  The buzzer rang and the middle guy said, “Ship!”  Alex said, “Nooo” while I was thinking to myself, “Oh, what is it? What is it–I KNOW that!”  

“Soul” Alex said after time was up.  ’I am the master of my SOUL.’”   

In response, my mother in law stuck her fingers in among the old papers she was just then sorting through.   She pulled out a yellowed clipping of the poem “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gait,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

One of the most life-changing books I ever read–actually one of the most life-changing chapters I ever read was from Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  This is not a find here–millions of people have read this best seller, first published in 1989.  I didn’t get around to reading it until the 90s.  But the idea that was a mountain of a Eureka for me was explained in Part Two:  Private Victory–Habit 1:  Be Proactive.

I have to take issue with the title, however.  It’s not that “Be Proactive” is bad advice.  But I think of proactivity as being a behavior.  It’s a time management tool.  Look ahead, be organized, anticipate, do it now.  

But the gem in that chapter is really more about shifting your attitude to accepting total responsibility for what you do, and what you can do, no matter what your circumstance.  This is also the message of Victor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning.  Frankl, the famous neurologist, psychologist and Holocaust survivor, observed people in the German concentration camps.  Those who tended to survive had found a way to rise above horrific circumstances simply by changing their attitudes, and adjusting what Covey calls the Circle of Influence, no matter that the circle of their influence might only be the circumference of their mind.  

If you are not familiar with this chapter, it won’t do it justice to try to condense it into a 800-word blog entry, so I’m simply going to provide a teaser, an image to carry forward and think about, and a personal story.  

Very often we preoccupy ourselves with all the things that we are concerned with.  Some we cannot do anything about, but for others, you can wield some measure of influence.  It may not be much.  Sometimes all we can do at that moment is change the way we look at it, but that’s enough.   Instead of feeling caged by what you can’t control, you can break out of the victim’s prison by looking at those things that you can change.  It’s such an empowering concept!  You are free.  You are free to make choices that will make your circle of concern smaller and your circle of influence larger.  And once you take on that attitude, your internal power and your external influence grows and grows.

When I read that chapter, I was earning very little money in a job I hated.  I was biding my time.  I was “too good” for that job.  My “lucky break” hadn’t come along yet.  So I plodded along, feeling boxed in and resentful that I should be wasting my precious life in this dead-end, nothing job making barely enough to make ends meet.

When I allowed the message of Covey’s Circle of Influence to penetrate my foolish brain, a miracle happened.  I said to myself, “Well, I don’t have the job I want right now.  So I might as well do the best I can with the job I’ve got.”   I injected energy and purpose into my tasks.  I became service-oriented to my internal clients at work.  I made it my goal to make sure I did whatever I could to perform well so that my colleagues and my company would benefit from my hard work.  

In the process, I found things about the job I really liked.  I found ways to expand that part of my job and innovate.  Ultimately, I asked the owner of the company for a promotion, and because I had created a sense of trust, she gave it to me.  

Ten years later, I finally have my dream job.  But I didn’t really go anywhere!  I continued to work in the area in which I never imagined I could find fulfillment.  Over time I grew and grew, and finally left the company to start my own business in that field.  My time is my own, I make a very comfortable living. I have terrific quality of life, working reasonable hours, having flexibility to spend time with family or just take off and spend an hour at Barnes & Noble.   I feel very blessed.  If I sat around waiting for the dream job, it never would have come.  

“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” We, as human beings, are so fortunate to have power and freedom and creativity and imagination to make our lives whatever we want them to be.  It doesn’t matter if we can’t walk, or see, or  hear.We don’t have to feel walled in.  That’s OUR choice.  Unfortunately sometimes we resign ourselves the walls in front of us, not realizing that it’s just a few short steps to the secret garden on the other side.

The Emotional Bank Account

The Emotional Bank Account represents the quality of the
relationship you have with others. It’s like a financial bank account in that
you can make “deposits,” by proactively doing things that build trust in the
relationship, or you can make “withdrawals,” by reactivity doing things that
decrease the level of trust. And at any given time the balance of trust in the
account determines how well you can communicate and solve problems with another
person.

A high balance indicates a high level of trust.
Communication is open and free. You can even make a mistake in the
relationship, and the “emotional reserves” will compensate for it.

A low or even overdrawn balance indicates no trust and thus
no authentic communication. It’s like walking on minefields. You have to
measure every word. And even your better intentions are misunderstood. There is
no trust, no real communication, no ability to work together to solve problems.

Make deposits:

·       
Being Kind, in relationships the little things are the big things.;

·       
Apologizing, the sooner we learn to apologize, the better;

·       
Be Loyal to Those Not Present, next to apologizing, this is the
toughest and one of the most important;

·       
Making and Keeping Promises, you would be hard pressed to come up
with a deposit that has more impact;

·       
Forgiving, when you truly forgive, you open the channels through
which trust and unconditional love can flow;

Until you understand another person, you are never going to
know what constitutes a deposit in his or her account.

Joy of being together and doing things together will have
tremendous positive effect on the Emotional Bank Account in the family. Family
will have its normal challenges, but the culture should be fundamentally
nurturing, caring, and empowering.

In physics, “entropy” means that anything left to itself
will eventually disintegrate until it reaches its most elemental form. So also
with regard to the family culture: It requires constant deposits into the
Emotional Bank Account to just keep it where it is now, because you’re dealing
with continuing relationships and continuing expectations. And unless those
expectations are met, entropy will set in. The old deposits will evaporate. The
relationship will become stilted, more formal, colder. And to improve it
requires new creative deposits.

There’s no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships
without real understanding. Relationships can be superficial. They can be
functional. They can be transactional. But they can’t be transformational — and
deeply satisfying — unless they’re built on the foundation of genuine
understanding. In fact, at the heart of most of the real pain in families is
misunderstanding.

Family itself is a “we” experience, a “we” mentality. When
your happiness comes primarily from the happiness of others, you know you have
moved from “me” to “we”.

Scarcity Mentality – there’s only one pie, so if you get a
bigger piece, then I get less. so everything has to be win-lose. Abundance
Mentality – the idea that there’s plenty for everyone and that there is an
infinite number of third alternative solutions, better ways to work things out
that make a win for everyone. This abundance mentality is the spirit of
“family.” it’s the spirit of “we.” And this is what marriage and family are all
about.

Self-awareness becomes family awareness — our ability to see
ourselves as a family. Conscience become family conscience — the unity of the
shared moral nature of everyone in the family and the clarity that came from
discussing these things together. Imagination becomes creative synergy as we
hammered out the issues and came to something everyone could agree on. And
independent will become interdependent will and social will as we all worked
together to make it happen.

We now live in a world that values personal freedom and
independence more than responsibly and interdependence — in a world with
tremendous mobility in which creature comforts (especially television) enable
social isolation and independent entertainment.

Interdependency is hard. It takes tremendous effort,
constant effort, and courage. It’s much easier in the short run to live
independently inside a family — to do your own thing, to come and go as you
wish, to take care of your own needs, and to interact as little as possible
with others. But the real joys of family life are lost. When children grow up
with this kind of modeling, they think that is the way family is, and the cycle
continues. The devastating effect of these cyclical cold wars is almost as bad
as the destruction of the hot wars.

Make marriage Happy and long-lasting:

·       
Stop being single at heart and
become married at heart.

·       
Care more about the health of the
relationship than they do about winning arguments.

The hardest thing about getting married or having children
is that it changes your entire lifestyle. You can no longer just focus on your
own schedule, your own priorities. You have to sacrifice. You have to think
about others, about meeting their needs, about what makes them happy. A good
marriage and a good family require service and sacrifice. But when you truly
love another and share a transcendent sense of purpose in creating the “we” —
such as raising a child — then sacrifice is nothing more than giving up
something small for something big. True fulfillment comes from sacrifice. It is
this very shift from “me” to “we” that makes family, family!

The ability to work together to create new ideas, new
solutions that are better than any individual family member could ever come up
with alone. Principles of mutual respect, mutual understanding, and creative
cooperation.

Some of the biggest deposits and withdrawals in the family
come from how you handle expectations. Sometimes people just assume certain
things about relationships. These things are never talked about, but he
assumptions, the expectations, are there. And when these expectations are not
fulfilled, it becomes a major withdrawal. The key is in creating clear
expectations up front, and family “win-win agreements” can help you do this.
You cannot hold people responsible for results if you supervise their methods.
Five elements of a win-win agreements — desired results, guidelines, resources,
accountability, and consequences. At the beginning it will probably seem as if
the five elements take a lot of time to set up. But it is far more effective to
invest the time early on rather than deal with the consequences of not doing it
later on.

What is important to another person must be as important to
you as the other person is to you. My love for you is so great and our
happiness is so entwined that I would not feel good if I got my say and you
were unhappy — particularly when you feel so strongly about it. Issue that is
important to someone else is also really important to you, and so you’ll need
to move toward synergy — to find some transcendent purpose or value that unites
you, enabling the release of creative juices to find a better way in
actualizing that value or achieving that goal or purpose.

Win-win is really the only solid foundation for effective
family interaction. It’s the only pattern of thinking and interacting that
builds long term relationships of trust and unconditional love.

Of all the vocations that men may pursue in this life, no vocation
is fraught with as much responsibly and attended with as much boundless
opportunity as the great calling of husband and father. No man, whatever his
accomplishments may be, can be said to have achieved success in life if he is
not surrounded by his loved ones.

There are times when “being understood” means giving
feedback to other family members. And this can be very hard to do. People often
don’t want to hear feedback. It doesn’t match the image they have of
themselves, and they don’t want to hear anything that reflects an image that is
any less than the one they have in their minds.

Not seeking to understand leads to judgment (usually
misjudgment), rejection, and manipulation. Seeking to understand leads to
understanding, acceptance, and participation. Obviously, only one of these
paths is built on the principles that create quality family life.

To understand that reality — and to adjust expectations
accordingly — is, to a great extent, to control our own satisfaction. That
experience demonstrates why seeking to understand is so important. Being
understood is the emotional and psychological equivalent of getting air, and
when people are grasping for air — or for understanding — until they get it,
nothing else matters. Nothing. The deepest hunger of the human heart is to be
understood, for understanding implicitly affirms, validates, recognizes, and
appreciates the intrinsic worth of anther. When you really listen to another
person, you acknowledge and respond to that most insistent need.

When someone has completed a major task or project, or has
accomplished something that required supreme effort, always express admiration,
appreciation, and praise. Never give negative feedback — even though it may be
deserved and even though you do it in a constructive way and with good motives
in order to help the person do better. Give the constructive feedback at a
later time when the person is ready for it.

But at the time, praise the effort. Praise the heart that
went into it. praise the worth of the person, the personal identify that was
transmitted into the project or work. You’re not compromising your integrity
when you take such an encouraging, appreciating, affirming approach. You’re
simply focusing on that which is more important than some nervous definition of
excellence.

There’s no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships
without real understanding. Relationships can be superficial. They can be
functional. They can be transactional. But they can’t be transformational — and
deeply satisfying — unless they’re built on the foundation of genuine
understanding. In fact, at the heart of most of the real pain in families is
misunderstanding.

Hold Family Night

·       
Review calendar on upcoming
events, hold a family council and discuss issues and problems, give
suggestions, and together make decisions, talent show where the kids show music
or dance, a short lesson, a family activity and serve refreshments, pray together,
or sing family’s favorite songs.

·       

Read together as a family. Focus
primarily on learning, not grades.

·       
Set aside a special family time
each week for planning, communicating, teaching values, and having fun
together. (18)

·       
Go over each person’s goals and
activities, put them on a magnetic chart that hangs on the door.

·       
Phantom Family — make a special
treat on family night — popcorn balls, candy apples, cupcakes, or something
similar. Decided which family to spotlight. Put the treat on their porch, along
with a note that tells how we admire their family and appreciate them. End the
note with The Phantom Family Strikes Again. Ring doorbell and run like
wildfire.

Family times

Mealtimes should always be happy, pleasant occasions for
eating, sharing pleasant talk, and learning — sometimes even serious
discussions about various intellectual or spiritual topics — but never a place
for disciplining, correcting, or judging.

If family is not most important priority for many years,
many years of precious family experiences become lost. Clearly, putting family
first doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to buy a new home and give up your
job. But it does mean that you “walk your talk” — that your life really
reflects and nurtures the supreme value of family.

Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and
meaningful events that you do in your family. They help you understand who you
are; that you are part of a family that’s a strong unit, that you love one
another, that you respect and honor one another, that you celebrate one
another’s birthdays and special events, and make positive memories for
everybody. You give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being
understood. You are committed to one another. You are a part of something
that’s greater than yourself. You express and show loyalty to one another. You
need to be needed, you need to be wanted, and you’re glad to be part of a
family. When parents and children cultivate traditions that are meaningful to
them, every time they go back to that tradition it renews the emotional energy
and bonding of the past. So family involvement is not the central force in
their lives; it is an occasional “holidays only” guilt reliever.

Extended and intergenerational family members can be
involved in almost everything you do. Provide a support system from the family
to show that we care and that each person in the family is appreciated and
loved. An open invitation for anyone in the extended and intergenerational
family who can to come to such activities. Grandparents must never become
anesthetized by the “retirement” mind-set into thinking that there is no longer
a vital need for family involvement. You never “retire” from the family.

Place high priority on scheduling and being at children’s
events. Can’t go to every activity. But do what we can and always try to
communicate to all family members how important they and their activities are.

In your family you may talk “love” and “family fun,” but if
you never plan any time together, then your very lack of origination gets in
the way. You may say “I love you” to someone, but if you’re always too busy to
spend meaningful one-on-one time with that person and fail to prioritize that
relationship, you will allow entropy and decay to set in.

As kids get older, parents need to make the transition from
being “the parent” to being a best friend. Even when the children are out of
the nest, parents need to recognize their children’s need for affirmation of
their roles as parents and of how well they’re doing; they need to recognize
their grandchildren’s need to have special time with their grandmother and
grandfather, both collectively and one-on-one. In this way they serve a another
source of reinforcing the teaching given in that home or help compensate for
temporary deficiencies in the home. And regardless of your age, you can always
be that “someone” who the best research shows is vital to healthy, happy
children and grandchildren — someone who is absolutely, positively,
unconditionally “crazy” about them.

The first line of defense must always be the family — the
nuclear family, the intergenerational family, and the extended family.

True healing involves all four dimensions: the physical, the
social/emotional (generating positive energy and avoiding negative energy such
as criticism, envy, and hatred, as well as being connected to the support base
created by family and friends who are all adding their faith, prayers, and
support), the mental, and the spiritual (exercising faith and tapping into
those spiritual powers higher than our own).

Worship together, go to church together, become aligned as a
family with common values and goals. Rely on one anther to solve problems and
find answers. Worshipping together is one of the major characteristics of a
healthy, happy family.

Children

Example is the very foundation of influence. We are first
and foremost, models to our children. What they see in us speaks far more
loudly than anything we could ever say. You cannot hide or disguise your
deepest self. The deepest part of this Principle-Centered Family Leadership
Tree represents your role as a model. If you’re a parent, you cannot not model.

If we are careful observers, we can see our own weakness
reappear in the lives of our children. This is most evident in the way
differences and disagreements are handled.

When you raise your children, you’re also raising your
grandchildren. Become loving and empathic as you respect the individuality of
each child and allow your children to be self-regulating, to make their own
decisions within the scope of their experience and wisdom.

Key is to nurture the four gifts inside each child and to
build relationships of trust and unconditional love so that you can teach and
influence the members of your family in principle-centered ways.

Lies Parents Tell Themselves About Why They Work:

·       
We need the extra money

·       
Day care is perfectly good — 15
percent of day care facilities were excellent, 70 percent were ‘barely
adequate’, and 15 percent were abysmal

·       
Inflexible companies are the key
problem

·       
Dads would gladly stay home if
their wives earned more money

·       
High taxes force both of us to
work

When you feel inclined to try to teach or correct your
child; you might want to push your pause button and ask yourself this: Is my
relationship with this child sufficient to sustain this effort? Is there enough
reserve in the Emotional Bank Account to enable this child to have an open ear,
or will my words just bounces off a though he or she were surrounded by
bulletproof shield? Stop to ask yourself if what we’re about to do will be
effective — if it will accomplish what we really want to accomplish.

In the middle of a situation, try to stop and think: Is this
something that really matters? Justify being strong with the children only if
it’s something that really affects their life.

Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response,
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Punishment would be saying to the child, “Okay, you’ve got
to go into the time-out room for thirty minutes.” Discipline would be saying,
“Okay, you need to go into the time-out room until you decide to live by what
we agreed.” Whether the child stays in the room for one minute or one hour
doesn’t matter, as long as the child has exercised the necessary proactivity to
make the right choice. You’re showing respect and affirming that he has the
power to choose the behavior that is consistent with the principles in the
agreement. Disciple is not emotional.

Family Situations

Probably more than any other single factor, what gets
families off track and gets in the way of synergy is negative emotions,
including anger and taking offense, Temper gets us into problems, and pride
keeps us there. Even if anger surfaces only one-tenth of 1 percent of the time,
that will affect the quality of all the rest of the time because people are
never sure when that raw nerve might be touched again.

We need to be deeply honest with ourselves and realize that
most anger is merely guilt overflowing when provoked by the weakness of
another.

Whenever we disagree with others, we need to quickly “agree”
with them — not on the issue of disagreement but on the right to disagree, to
see it the way they see it.

When someone in the family becomes angry and loses control,
the effects are so wounding, so intimidating, so threatening, so overpowering
that others lose their bearings. They tend to either fight back, which only
exacerbates the problem, or capitulate and give in to this win-lose spirit. And
then even compromise is not likely. The more likely scenario is that people
will separate and go their own ways, refusing to communicate at all about
anything meaningful. They try to live with the satisfactions of independence,
since interdependence seems too hard, too far off, and too unrealistic. And no
one has the mind-set or the skill-set to go for it. When any of us overreacts
to a minor situation say, “Have a laugh!.”

It’s often important to process negative experiences — to
talk them through, resolve them, empathize with each other, and seek
forgiveness. Whenever ugly experiences take place, you can unfreeze them by
acknowledging your part in them and by listening empathically to understand how
other people saw them and how they felt about them. You can ignore people. You
can pretend to listen. You can listen selectively or even attentively. But
until you listen empathically, you’re still inside your own frame of reference.

Instead of trying to eliminate negative things from the
family, focus on trying to create positive things that were not there before —
new goals, new options, new alternatives that will optimize situations.

In working with families, there are at least three common
misleading maps:

·       
The “advice from others” map. What
works in one situation does not necessarily work in another.

·       
The social values map. Consists of
theories that are based on social values rather than principles.

·       
The “deterministic” map. The
picture it creates is that essentially we are victims of our genes and
circumstances. People who live with this map tend to speak and think in terms
such as: “That’s just the way I am. There’s nothing I can do about it.” It denies
our fundamental power to choose.

All truly great things are born of sacrifice and only
through sacrifice can a truly good family come into being.

So when you really love someone, you need to care enough to
confront — but in always that are filled with positive energy and respect. You
need to be able to give feedback in a way that actually builds the Emotional
Bank Account instead of making withdrawals. We simply must care enough to
confront other people — to not give in to them but to not give up on them,
either. There are times when really loving people means giving them a shock
treatment — shocking them into an awareness of what they’re doing — and then
showing more love than ever afterward so they know you really care. When you
need to give feedback, you may find these five keys helpful:

·       
“Will this feedback really be
helpful to this person, or does it just fulfill my own need to set this person
straight?” If there’s any anger inside you, it’s probably not the time or the
place to give feedback.

·       
Seek first to understand. Know
what’s important to the person and how your feedback will help that person
accomplish his or her goals. Always try to speak that person’s language of
love.

·       
Separate the person from the
behavior. Describe our observation of the consequences of these behaviors
and/or our own feelings, concerns, and perceptions that flow from these
behaviors.

·       
Be especially sensitive and
patient regarding blind sports. Also, don’t give feedback on something they
can’t realistically do anything about.

·       
Use “I” messages. You’re sharing
your own perception — the way you see the world. So give “I” messages: “This is
my perception.” “My concern is . . . “ The moment you start sending “you”
messages — “You are so self-centered!” — you’re playing God. You’re making
yourself the ultimate judge of that person. And this becomes a huge withdrawal.

Every time you build your emotional life on the weaknesses
of others, you give your power — that is, your unique human gifts (Conscience,
Self-Awareness, Independent Will, and Imagination) — away to their weaknesses
so that your emotional life is a product of how they treat you. You disempower
yourself and empower the weaknesses of others. You will always be a victim
until you forgive. Remember, it isn’t
the snake bite that does the serious damage; it’s chasing the snake that drives
the poison to the heart.

Principles — laws of life:

·       
Responsibility

·       
Service

·       
Respect

·       
Honor and Honesty

·       

Integrity

¨       
Having integrity means their lives
are integrated around a balanced set of principles that are universal,
timeless, and self-evident.

·       
Trustworthiness

¨       
You can’t talk yourself out of
problems you behave yourself into, and unless you are trustworthy, you cannot
produce trust. Principles of trustworthiness, integrity, and honesty are the
foundation of any relationship that endures over time. Violated principles
destroy trust. Ultimately, there is a moral law and a moral sense — an inward
knowing, a set of principles that are universal, timeless, and self-evident —
that control.

·       
Courage is the quality of every
quality at its highest testing point.

¨       
One of the best parts of being a
family is that you can encourage one anther. You can put courage into one
another. You can believe in one another. You can affirm one another. You can
assure one another that you are never going to give up, that you see the
potential, and that you are acting in faith based on that potential rather than
on any particular behavior or circumstance. You can be bold and strengthen one
another’s hearts and minds. You can weave a strong and secure safety net of
encouraging circumstances in the home so that family members can cultivate
those kinds of internal resilience and strengths that will enable them to deal
with the discouraging, anti-family circumstances outside.

Qualities of virtue

·       
Patience, persistence, temperance,
humility, charity, fidelity, cheerfulness, wisdom and integrity.

A principle that is truly universal, timeless, and
self-evident can be proven by imagining the absurdity of trying to live its
opposite. the violation of these principles virtually guarantees failure in
family situations. Decide to put principles ahead of each other and ahead of
your family.

Identify some of the principles you want to use in raising
children. “What kind of strength and abilities will our children need to have
in order to be successful when they’re grown?” These could include the ability
to work, to learn, to communicate, to solve problems, to repent, to forgive, to
serve, to worship, to survive in the wilderness, and to play and have fun.

Who is really at the “center” of our lives. Who am I? How do
I define myself? (Security) Where do I go and what do I do to receive direction
to guide my life? (Guidance) how does life work? How should I live my life?
(Wisdom) What resources and influences do I access to nurture myself and
others? (Power)

We have the ability to tap into a higher form of influences:
the power of God. If we continue in faithfulness — never giving up on wayward
sons and daughters but doing everything in our power to reach them and
continually offering a prayer of faith — God may take a hand in the situation
in His way and in His time.

If you have your direction and principles clear, and you
consistently respond to them based on that direction and those principles, they
will gradually come to feel the sense of that unchanging core. You will feel
the strength of it also as you interact with them in principle-centered ways
through the storm.

Principle-Centered Family Leadership Tree

Roots — Modeling
(example of trustworthiness). The family members see and trust you.

·       
Modeling is essentially the
spiritual. It draws primarily upon conscience for its energy and direction.
mentoring is essentially social and draws primarily upon self-awareness as
manifested in respecting others, understanding others, empathizing and synergizing
with others. Organizing I essentially the physical and taps into the
independent as well as the social will to organize time and life — to set up a
family mission statement, weekly family times, and one-on-ones. Teaching is
primarily mental. The mind is the steering wheel of life as we are guided into
a future that we create first in our minds through the power of our
imagination. One thing to realize is that you are doing all four of these things
anyway. Like it or not, you are a leader in your family, and one way or another
you are already fulfilling each of these roles.

Trunk — Mentoring

(Relationship of respect and carring). The family members feels and values self

Branches — Organizaing
(aligning structure to mission). The family members expereince and trusts
structure.

Leaves — Teaching (Empowering
princples). The family members hears/does and trusts principles and self.

·       
Always remember that, as with
modeling and mentoring, you cannot not teach. With regard to teaching. Four
suggestions:

1.      Discern the overall situations. When people feel threatened, an effort
to teach by precept — or telling — will generally increase the resentment
toward both the teacher and the teaching.

2.      Sense your own spirit and attitude. If you’re angry and frustrated, you
can’t avoid communicating this regardless of the logic of your words or the
value of the principle you’re trying to teach. Restrain yourself or distance
yourself. Teach at another time. A good rule of thumb: If you can gently touch
or hold the arm or hand of your child while correcting or teaching and you both
feel comfortable with this, you’ll have a positive influence. You simply cannot
do this in an angry mood. Remember that 70 to 80 percent of all communication
is nonverbal. In this sense you cannot not communicate.

3.      Distinguish between the time to teach and the time to give help and
support. To rush in with preachments and success formulas when your spouse or
child is emotionally fatigued or under a lot of pressure in comparable to trying to teach a drowning
man to swim. he needs a rope or a helping hand, not a lecture.

4.      Realize that in a large sense we are teaching one thing or another all
the time because we are constantly radiating what we are.

People often make one of three common mistakes:

·       
To Think That Any One Role Is
Sufficient. Many people seem to think that modeling alone is sufficient, that
if you persist and set a good example long enough, children will eventually
follow that example. Others feel that mentoring or loving is al-sufficient,
that if you build a relationship and constantly communicate love, it will cover
a multitude of sins. Some are convinced that proper organizing. Their families
may be well managed, but they lack leadership. They may be proceeding correctly
but in the wrong direction. Children will tend to move away from these
situations as soon as possible and may not desire to return – except perhaps
out of a sense of family duty. Others feel that the role of parents is basically
to teach by way of telling and that explaining more clearly and consistently
will eventually work. If it doesn’t work, it at least transfers responsibility
to the children. Each role is necessary, but absolutely insufficient without
the other three. Children need not only to see it and feel it but also to
experience it and hear it – or they may never understand the important laws of
life that govern happiness and success.

·       
To Ignore the Sequence. The second
mistake, is to ignore the sequence: to think that you can explicitly teach
without having the relationship; or that you can build a good relationship
without being a trustworthy person; or that verbal teaching is sufficient and
that the principles and laws of life contained in this verbal teaching do not need
to be embodied into the patterns and process, the structures and systems of
everyday family life. The sequence and the synergy are the important things.
People do not hear if they do not feel and see.

·       
To Think That Once is Enough.
Model, mentor, organize, and teach are present-tense verbs that must
continually take place. We must continually make deposits in the Emotional Bank
Account because yesterday’s meal does not satisfy today’s hunger, especially in
family relationships where expectations are high.

Of Love

·       
Laws which reflect the reality
that love in its purest form is unconditional: acceptance rather than
rejection, understanding rather than judgment, and participation rather than
manipulation. These laws are the foundation
of a beautiful family culture.

¨       

People can love the end in mind
more than they love the person. They love conditionally. In other words, they
use love to manipulate and control. As a result, others feel rejected and fight
to stay the same.

¨       
A nurturing culture where family
members deeply, sincerely, and genuinely enjoy being together, where they have
a sense of shared beliefs and values, where they act and interact in ways that
really work, based on the principles that govern in all of life. (20)

Mentoring is building relationships. It’s investing in the
Emotional Bank Account. It’s letting people know that you care about them —
deeply, sincerely, personally, unconditionally. It’s championing them. Only
when you live the Primary Laws of Love — when you consistently make deposits in
the Emotional Bank Account of others because you love them unconditionally and
because of their intrinsic worth rather than because of their behavior or
social status or for any other reason — do you encourage obedience to the
Primary Laws of Life, laws such as honesty, integrity, respect, responsibility,
and trust. Positively or negatively, you cannot not mentor. The way you fulfill
your mentoring role with any family member — but particularly with your most
difficult child — will have a profound impact on the level of trust in the
entire family.

Love is certainly the roses and the dinners out an the
romantic vacations. But its also the hugs and the bathrobes and getting the
morning paper for each other or making the coffee or feeding the guinea pigs.
It’s in the details as well as the symphony.

Unbelievable power in loving another person in five ways
simultaneously:

·       
Empathizing: listening with your
own heart to another’s heart.

·       
Sharing authentically your most
deeply felt insights, learnings, emotions, and convictions.

·       
Affirming the other person with a
profound sense of belief, valuation, confirmation, appreciation, and
encouragement.

·       
Praying with and for the other
person from the depths of your soul, tapping into the energy and wisdom of
higher powers.

·       
Sacrificing for the other person:
going the second mile, doing far more than is expected, caring and serving
until it sometimes even hurts.

Circle of Concern is a large circle that embraces everything
in your life that you may be concerned about. If you are in the Concern, your
language will be blaming, accusing, reactive.

Focus on the Circle of Influence. Circle of Influence is a
smaller circle within the Circle of Concern that embraces the things you can
actually do something about. In the Influence, your language will be proactive,
reflecting a focus on the things you can do something about. Force yourself to
use proactive words and phrases.

Focus on the Circle of Influence.

1.      Identify a problem in your family culture

2.      Describe it to someone else (or write it) using completely reactive
terms. Focus on your Circle of Concern. Work hard. See how completely you can
convince someone else that this problem is not your fault.

3.      Describe the same problem in completely proactive terms. Focus on your
response-ability. Talk about what you can do in your Circle of Influence.
Convince someone else that you can make a real difference in this situation.

4.      Now think about the difference in two descriptions. Which one more
closely resembles your normal habit pattern when talking about family problems?

Synergy is producing not just a third alternative solution
but a third alternative spirit — the spirit of the family. Synergy is something
new is crated that was not there before and could not have been created without
celebrating differences.

Synergy that comes through a complementary approach — an
approach in which one person’s strength is utilized and his or her weaknesses
are made irrelevant by the strength of another. People work together like a
team, but there’s not effort to integrate their thought processes to produce
better solutions. When people are open to feedback regarding strengths and
weaknesses marvelous things begin to happen.

Three habits — root, route, and fruit

·       

Think win-win — is the root. It’s
the fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit, or the “Golden Rule.” It’s
the underlying motive, the nurturing attitude out of which understanding and
synergy grow.

·       
Seek first to understand . . .
then to be understood — is the route. It’s the method, the pathway that leads
to rich interdependent interaction. It’s the ability to step out of your own
autobiography and really get into the head and heart of someone else. It takes
character to seek first to understand when you think you really know what
someone’s thinking (you usually don’t), when you’re sure you have the perfect
answer to the problem (you usually don’t), and when you have an important
appointment you have to be at in five minutes. It take character to celebrate
differences, to look for the third-alternative solutions, to work with the
members of your family to create this sense of synergy in the culture.

·       
Synergize — is the fruit. It’s the
result, the end product, the rich reward of the effort. It’s creating
transcendent third-alternative solutions. It’s not “your way” or “my way”; it’s
a better, higher way.

Research data indicate that families that limit television
viewing to a maximum of two hours a day of carefully selected programs may see
the following significant changes in family relationships:

·       
Value setting will be taught and
reinforced by the family.

·       
Relationships between parents and
youth will improve n families.

·       
Homework will be completed with
less time pressure.

·       

Personal conversations will
increase substantially.

·       
Children’s imaginations will come
back to life.

·       
Each family member will become a
discriminating selector and evaluator of programs.

·       
Parents can become family leaders
again.

·       
Good reading habits may be
substituted for television viewing.

The 7 Habits Family Worksheet — Page 356

·       

I am in control, I can choose a
better way, I am responsible for myself.

·       
Teach them how to recognize the
whispering of conscience and to be faithful and truthful — even when others are
not.

·       
Happy families are all alike;
every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. — Anna Karenina, epic novelist

·       
Your greatest responsibility as a
son/daughter is to love each of your parents and to chart your own course.

·       
No mother is happier than her most
unhappy child.

·       
Treat a man as he is and he will
remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he
can and should be. — Goethe

·       
I have sulked or napped or sneered
or snubbed or stormed. I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect
myself. . . Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best
evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has
time to put on a disguise is the truth. Suddenness of the provocation does not
make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. We
realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done
only by God.

·       
Our deepest fear is not that we
are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is
our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure
around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make
manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same. An we’re liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others. — Marianne Williamson

·       
“The significant problems we face
cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.”
— Einstein

·       
Some men see the rules of marriage
as a prison, others — the happy ones — see them as boundary lines that enclose
all the things they hold.

·       
He who carries a wrong heart into
the married life and cherishes it in selfishness or finds there a selfish heart
that persists in remaining wrong, will make or find married life irritating,
galling, unbearable . . . One who expects to be ministered to in the married
state is acting on a principle that will pervert the whole life. He who marries
for the purpose of receiving, rather than bestowing, makes a false start . . .
. “Married life can never be what it ought to be while the husband or wife
makes personal happiness the main object. — J. S. Kirtley and Edward Bok

·       
Okay, now, I know what you’re
going to hear from people is “We don’t have the time.” But if you don’t have
the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can
come together as a family, then the family is not the priority. — Oprah Winfrey

·       
Manipulation means that the real
motive is hidden even though good techniques are being used. When people feel
manipulated, they are not committed. And when people feel manipulated, a major
withdrawal takes place, and your next efforts — even though sincere — will be
perceived as another form of manipulation. Nothing baffles a person who is full
of tricks and duplicity more than simple, straightforward honesty on the part
of another.

·       
We ought always to assume good
faith. By acting on the assumption that others are trying to do their best as
they see it, we can exert a powerful influence in brining out the best in them.

·       
As we project our conditioning
experiences onto the outside world, we assume we’re seeing the world the way it
is. But we’re not. We’re seeing the world as we are — or as we have been
conditioned to be. And until we gain the capacity to step out of our own
autobiography — to set aside our own glasses and really see the world through
the eyes of others — we will never be able to build deep, authentic relationships
and have the capacity to influence in positive ways.

·       
Make a list of changes someone
else has to make in order to “stay”. On the other side, make a list of changes
you would agree to. Learn from you side, are the more things for you to do?

·       
Have regular one-on-one bonding
times with each member of your family — times when the agenda is written by the
other person.

·       
Whenever there is a difference or
disagreement, people can’t make their own point until they restate the other
person’s point to that person’s satisfaction.

·       

Post a sheet of paper on the
refrigerator, and anyone who wants to talk about any issue, problem, hope, or
plan simply writes the issue and his or her name on the paper. This person is
responsible for taking everyone through the process of solving the problem or
doing whatever it involved.

·       
Take some issue that needs to be
resolved, an issue where people have different opinions and different points of
view. Try working together to answer the following four questions:

¨       
What is the problem form
everyone’s point of view? Really listen to one another with the intent to
understand, not to reply. Work at it until other people can express each
person’s point of view to that persons satisfaction. Focus on interests, not
positions.

¨       
What are the key issues involved?
Once the viewpoints are expressed and everyone feels thoroughly understood,
then look at the problem together and identify the issues that need to be
resolved.

¨       
What would constitute a fully
acceptable solution? Determine the net results that would be a win for each
person. Put the criteria on the table and refine and prioritize them so that
everyone is satisfied they represent all involved.

¨       
What new options would meet those
criteria? Synergize around creative new approaches and solutions.

·       
You can also help children improve
their ability to make good choices by encouraging them to keep a persona
journal.

·       
When you want a child to perform a
task ask three questions:

¨       
Should the child do it (a value
question)? Value questions, the solution usually lies in building the Emotional
Bank Account and educating.

¨       
Can the child do it (a competency
question)? Competency question lies in training.

¨       
Does the child want to do it (a
motivation question)? Education means “to draw forth” to provide a deep and
proper explanation that tends to draw forth the sense of “this is what I should
do” Training means “to put in” in this case, to put into the child the
knowledge of how to do the task. The answer generally lies in reinforcing the
desired behavior either extrinsically or intrinsically, or in combination.
Intrinsic rewards (the inner peace and satisfaction that comes when people do
things because they’re the right thing to do, when they listen to and obey
their conscience).

·       
When a situation requires a quick
decision. Not all decisions can be made with synergy. Ask Where are you on a
scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel about your point? Go with the
approach of the person who feels the strongest. If we both say five, we may go
for a quick compromise. To make this work, everyone have to agree that we will
always be totally honest with each other about where on the scale we are. Develop a kind of
democracy that shows respect for the depth of feeling behind a person’s opinion
or desire so that his or her vote counts more.

·       
One minute speeches during dinner.
Give a family member a topic — anything from honesty to the funniest thing that
happened that day — and the person speaks for one minute on it.

·       
Have favorite teacher dinners.

·       
Have birth weeks. For the entire
week we would try to focus on letting children know how special they are to us.
Have rooms decorated with sings and balloons, presents at breakfast, a “friend”
party, a special dinner out with Mom and Dad, and dinner with the extended
family, the person’s favorite meal, favorite cake, and compliments. To
celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person.

·       
Make valentines and attach long
stings to them. Put them on people’s porches, ring the doorbell, run and hide.
When they bend down to pick it up, jerk it a few inches away.

·       

Dress in green leprechaun outfit
and appear uninvited in each child’s room. Sing Irish songs, and tell stories.
Pass out shamrock cookie and pinch the boys and girls who aren’t wearing green.

·       
Spend some time together for a few
minutes each morning to begin our day with a feeling of togetherness and
inspiration.

·       
Ten minute program before bed.
Every person in the family works really hard for ten minutes to clean up the
place.

·       
Work parties, work really hard for
three or four hours to get something done, but have food and laugh and talk
while working. Do something fun afterward — like go to the movie.

·       
Make a fuss over comings and
goings. Take time out from whatever and concentrate on them. It’s very
rewarding to have someone listen to you, ask about your concerns, sense you
mood, and seem to love being with you.

·       
Adopt Children’s friends. Friends
end up being influenced by our family instead of the other way around.

·       
Share book with others by using
end of chapter suggestions

·       
Do questionnaire on page 37.
(Highly developed gift is Conscience; Active gifts are Self-Awareness,
Independent Will, and Imagination; Independent Will and Imagination need
improvement)

Write Personal Mission Statement

·       
If you were to do one thing you
know would make a tremendous difference for good in your personal life, what
would that one thing be? Examine the answers and determine whether what you
wrote down is urgent or important or both. “Urgent” comes from the outside,
from environmental pressures and crises. “Important” comes from the inside,
from your own deep value system. Truly effective people in all walks of life
focus on the important rather than the merely urgent. Research shows that
worldwide, the most successful executives focus on importance, and less effective
executives focus on urgency. Sometimes the urgent is also important, but much
of the time it is not. It’s true in all walks of life — including the family.

Write Marriage Mission Statement

¨       
Write a one-sentence answer to
this question: What is the purpose of our marriage? What is the essential
reason for being? What are it’s high priority goals?

¨       
Ask questions like: What kind of
marriage partners do we want to be? how do we want to treat each other? How do
we want to resolve our differences? How do we want to handle our finances? What
kind of parents do we want to be? What principles do we want to teach our
children to help them prepare for adulthood and to lead responsible, caring
lives? How do we help develop the potential talent of our children? What kind of
discipline do we want to use with our children? What roles (earning, financial
management, housekeeping, and so on) will each of us have? How can we best
relate to each other’s families? What traditions do we bring with us from the
families in which we were raised? What traditions do we want to keep and
create? What intergenerational traits or tendencies are we happy or unhappy
with, and how do we make changes? How do we want to give back?

Write Family Mission Statement

Don’t give up on a family mission statement. Do what work
you can as a family. Do what you can, one-on-one, with these resistant
children. Love them unconditionally. Make continual deposits into their
Emotional Bank Accounts. You may even have to come up with some kind of
statement that reflects the hearts and minds of those who will cooperate and
just keep reaching out to the others in unconditional love.

·       
Should be a vision that is shared
and owned by all family members, not just the two of you.

·       
Step one: Explore what your family
is all about. What is the purpose of our family? What kind of family do we real
want to be? What kind of home would you like to invite your friends to? What
kind of feeling do we want to have in our home? What kind of relationships do
we want to have with one another? How do we want to treat one another and speak
to one another? What things are truly important to us as a family? What are our
family’s highest priority goals? What are the unique talents, gifts, and
abilities of family members? What are our responsibilities as family members/
What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow? What are
our heroes? What is it about them that we like and would like to emulate? What
families inspire us and why do we admire them? How can we contribute to society
as a family and become more service-oriented? What embarrasses you about our
family? What makes you feel comfortable here? What makes you want to come home?
What makes you feel drawn to us as your parents so that you are open to our
influence? What makes us feel open to your influence? What do we want to be
remembered by?

·       
Step two: Write your family
mission statement.

·       

Step three: Use it to Stay on
Track — constitution of your family life.

·       
Ask family members to make their
own list of things that are important to them. Discuss why these traits were so
important or desirable.

·       
Look at it often and ask: “How
well are we living up to what we have decided to be and to do? Is our home
really a place where the sounds of love are found? Are we being cynical and
critical? Do we use cutting humor? Do we walk out on each other and not
communicate? Are we giving back or only taking? Every New Year’s Eve sit down
and work on the mission statement and write goals for the coming year.

·       
A combined, unified expression
from all family members of what your family is all about — what it is you
really want to do and be – -and the principles you choose to govern your family
life.

·       
Write a one-sentence answer to
this question: What is the essential mission or purpose of this family, and
what is its main strategy in accomplishing that purpose?

·       
Everybody’s ideas are important.
You may have to deal with all kinds of positive and negative expressions. Don’t
judge them. Respect them. Let them be expressed freely. Don’t try to resolve
everything.

·       
Three ground rules: First, listen
with respect. Second, restate accurately to show you understand. Third,
consider writing down the ideas. Don’t evaluate the ideas. Don’t judge them.
Don’t compare their relative worth.

·       
Write down their top five values
and then eliminate them one at a time until they are down to one.

Three Watch Outs

1.      Don’t announce it — If the members of your family don’t feel that the
mission statement represents them, they won’t support it. Except for little
children, remember: No involvement, no commitment. With little children,
identification (emotional bonding) is even more powerful than involvement.

2.      Don’t rush it — It requires deep and genuine involvement, listening to
one another, and working together to make sure the mission statement represents
the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved.

3.      Don’t ignore it — Begin with the end in mind

Examples of family mission statements:

·       
We will recognize when we are
experiencing stress in our lies and not pass it on to others.

·       
Nurturing place of faith, truth,
love, happiness, and relaxation.

·       
Value honesty with ourselves and
others, support and encouragement, Respect and accept each person’s unique
personality and talents. Loving, kind, and happy atmosphere. Patience through
understanding. Resolve conflicts rather than harboring anger.

·       
Wisdom in what we choose to eat,
read, see and do at home.

·       
Has fun together, unconditional
love in our family and inspiration for each other. Believe that diversity of
race and culture is a give. Appreciate the grace of God.

·       

Respectful, and supportive of each
other, spiritual feeling in the home, love each other unconditionally, make
this house a place we want to come home to.

·       
We’re going to help each other.
We’re not going to let anyone fail. We’re going to pray for each other. We’re
going to serve each other. We’re going to forgive each other. We’re not going
to hold grudges. We’re not going to be offended.

·       
Make a plaque and hang it by the
doorbell. Inside this house are the sounds of love and the spirit of service.

Imagine sitting in a group with people you don’t know and sharing what is unique about you. Scary, right? Well, it definitely was a new experience for me, but also very liberating; it was the perfect ice-breaker. This was how a session on ‘Life Audits’ began, part of Storymoja’s Women in Leadership forum. Anyone who has been to one of these sessions knows there is something new and challenging every month.

Once we got past the initial restraint, it was good to realise that being a perfectionist or a neat freak is not really an issue, but a ‘positively’ unique trait that some would kill for. So really, my life audit began with the realisation that when people tell me that I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) issues, it’s not really an issue – it’s a positive trait, one they just don’t have!

This Women in Leadership session held on 18^th April was a truly valuable experience. It was unfortunate that only a few women came on time (kudos to you!) hence the fully-earned phrase: ‘Kenyan timing’. Others trickled in slowly as the session went on. 

The way in which Betty Wamalwa Muragori and Muthoni Garland led this interactive session made it far more exciting. As they say, “it’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters.” Betty Wamalwa Muragori, a writer, a poet, an expert in leadership training, research and consultancy, and Muthoni Garland, moderator at the event, MD of Storymoja and the author of “Tracking The Scent of My Mother” which was nominated for the UK Caine prize in 2006.

Some of the ideas discussed were drawn out of books by leading self-help authors such as Steven Covey, Robin Sharma, Paulo Coelho or Rhonda Byrne, which made it a session ground in expert advice. The format was not at all like that of a school teacher telling her students what they ought to learn to fix their lives. Rather it was highly interactive, with a lot of sharing of issues, questions, curiosities – name it what you will – that took us on an exploratory journey through our lives – auditing them. As we sat in pairs, we shared our goals, strengths and perceptions and told each other how we see ourselves while asking how others perceive us. We learnt that some of us are great friends, generous, while others want to be millionaires and no matter how much you brought up why, that goal only strengthened as the discussion continued.

Not only did we learn a lot about ourselves – it’s amazing how much you don’t really know about yourself until you make a deliberate effort to find out – the process also was a lot of fun. Networking with women from all walks of life was an added bonus, and the cherry on the top was when Betty Wamalwa and Muthoni Garland giving us a mini special performance of Sitawa Namwalie’s poetry from Cut Off My Tongue. These two women are inspiring, perhaps because they have taken the time to audit their lives and from the foundation of this knowledge can reach further to be best they can be. 

I can’t wait for the next Storymoja women’s event: A session of the Women Mentoring Women forum that will be held on Saturday 16^th May 2009 at the Storymoja offices at 2pm. Entry is 1000 shs, which is a small price to pay for your “5 minutes with Fame” – Yes, Fame…

Your chance to meet and be mentored by Valerie Kimani (winner of Tusker Project Fame 1), Betty Wamalwa, Jacqueline Machaka (MD of Language Solutions) and many more.

The complete list of the mentor panel will be up on here shortly.

Please call Sheila on 0722 838 161 to reserve your place.  

Looking forward to seeing you at 2pm on Saturday 16^th May 2009.

Nureen Velji

Marketing & PR

I’ve been posting several posts about how the Swine Flu is bunk! I’ve ran into a great movie called Leap! This simple movie will help you understand that everything even beyond the Swine Flu is just an illusion of our collective thought as a species!

So I invite you to take a ride and listen to some of the top experts in the field of possibilities of illusion!

Robert Scheinfeld, Dan Millman, Cynthia James, Joe Vitale, Fred Knight, Fred Alan Wolf, Michael Brown, Gary Crowley, Gary Renard, Amir Zoghi, Nicole Casanova, Tom And Linda Carpenter, Ingrid Elfver, Lyn Corona, Manny Otto, Amber Terrell, John Sherman, William Arntz, James Twyman, Peter Russell, Puppetji &
Max Simon

Through out history and time acients have tried to tell us something important, this discovery once human kind understands it, will revolutionize our understanding of ourselves and the rest of the universe! With this discovery you will finally see and feel a world that has been revolving around you since your first moments on earth!

Why is it that we as the human race allow such manipulation in our life? Why is it that we are so fragile? Why is it that the government is so out of control and always has been? Why is it that these secrets have been placed away from the mainframe of society?

Well.. I invite you to view this short trailer of Leap! and I encourage you to view the entire movie afterwards! The Swine Flu is NOT REAL! Neither is anything else! Thats a touchy subject right? Well that should spark your interest into viewing Leap!

Of course I only invite those that can handle this information! If you feel you can’t I suggest you not watch it!

Want to see more? Click here Now!

PS. It gets really exciting as it goes on! I hope to hear from you soon and what you think about this revolutionary movie! Anybody that likes What the bleep do we know? The Secret, The Opus, Living Luminaries – Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Tony Robbins, Steven Covey, Robert Anton Wilson, Carl Jung, Ken Wilber, Terence McKenna, Nassim Haramein, David Hawkins, Dr. Wayne W Dyer, Michael Tsarion, David Icke, The Celestine Prophecy, String Theory, Robert Anthony or anything Agape International with Michael Bernard Beckwith has to say you will LOVE this movie!

Why do some people go the extra mile to look after their health. Why do some people have that determination and discipline to do so? It could very much depend on which level of love one is operating at. A wise old man, Bernard of Clairvaux came up with a very fascinating essay on the 4 levels of love. Apparently everyone is operating at either one of these levels. This essay provides a fascinating analogy as to why people do and do not bother about their health and well-being. Read more about the 4-levels and you will be enlightened.

1st Level of Love – I love me for my sake

(Courtesy of stock.xchng by Shune)

This is the selfish kind of love that all of us are born with. As babies, this is the only kind of love that all of us know. Babies only think of themselves. They want parents and everyone else to exist just to contribute to their lives.  They cry, rant and rave and are totally inconsiderate of others. But this is a phase that we must all go through and grow out of. I am sure you know many who are still stuck in this phase even as adults! Adults in this phase think that everyone around them exist to serve them.

2nd Level of Love – I love you for my sake

(Courtesy of stock.xchng by penywise)

Anyone moving from the 1st level will need to go through the 2nd level. In this plane one thinks as follows; “If I want what is best for me, then I will love and take care of the one who can do more for me than I can do for myself.” And apparently a lot of people reside in this level of love.

Lets look at an example. The husband provides for his wife very well. She owes all the comforts in life because her husband can provide her with it. She in-turn, takes care of him because he is the goose who lays the golden eggs. Without her husband, this woman would loose everything. She loves her husband for her sake.

Or what about a child who loves his or her rich parent because he provides for her well and would not want to be left out of the estate when this parent passes away. This child too loves the parent for her sake!

3rd Level of Love – I love you for your sake

(Courtesy of stock.xchng by dynamix)

For a lot of people, this seems to be the highest form of love. A form of selflessness that very few can achieve. Imagine loving and serving another for their sake! And sadly, this is where most parents reside in their love for their children! They love and serve only their children selflessly without bothering to love and serve themselves. I know some who would religiously give their children vitamins & medicine when necessary and yet not return the favour upon themselves. The lives of these parents orbit around a single entity and this is the child.

“I can’t exercise because it takes time away from my kids”, they say! This is the single reason why a lot of well meaning people don’t take care of themselves.

4th Level of Love – I love me for your sake

(Courtesy of stock.xchng by Spanishale)

Take some time to digest this point. “I love me for your sake”. According to Bernhard, this is the highest form of love that anyone can achieve.

“I love and take care of myself so that you don’t have to! I love and take care of myself so that I can be around and take care of my kids!”

This is not being selfish! This is being very benevolent. Who is going to take care of a young family when the father gets a heart-attack?

Does it not make sense to look after one’s self, to take time out to exercise, to be careful with one’s diet, so that one will always be around to care and nurture for his or her children?

Which Level of Love Are you Operating At?

Imagine a person who exercises with a bad conditioned pair of shoes because he does not want to spend money on himself. He rather spend it on the family or the children. So what happens to this person when he eventually gets knee problems. Isn’t the burden falling unfairly on the family and children to look after him?

What about individuals who look for quick gratification. These individuals could be operating at the 1st of 2nd levels of love. Falling prey to all types of immediate temptations and neglecting health and well-being. What happens to the family and kids when this person suddenly gets afflicted with diabetes or worst still, dies of a heart attack. Was it smart to neglect oneself so much!

Love Your Self And Be Selfless to Others

The message here is not to be selfish, but to love yourself first and still be selfless! The message here is to care for yourself so that you can be selflessly there for everyone else. This could be the highest form of benevolence.

So the next time a thought comes to your mind, telling you that you don’t want to exercise or take care of yourself because you don’t have time, that is the gravest injustice you can commit towards your loved ones!

If you have read “First Things First” by Stephen Covey, he stresses on the importance of setting time to sharpen the saw. This means taking time to renew oneself physically (exercise), spiritually, mentally (meditation/reading/etc.)

So please love yourselves and take care your selves for you kids and family’s sake!

Tags: 4 levels of love, Bernard of Clairvaux, First Thing’s First, Steven Covey, weight loss

Do you know people who are perpetually on a diet? Do you know people who are perpetually starting-stopping their exercise programs? Have you such experience? What causes someone to NOT follow through on their pledge to lose weight when they know what a dramatic effect it could have on their lives and the lives of their loved ones? It could be an overdrawn “Personal Integrity Account”. 

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Integrity as

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values :incorruptibility
2 : an unimpaired condition : soundness
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness
synonyms see honesty

We must be trustworthy not only to others, but also to ourselves. In fact we cannot be trustworthy to others if we are not trustworthy to ourselves.To be trustworthy to our selves, we must be able to trust ourselves!

This flaw in us has risen from our own doing that holds us back from achieving lofty goals. We have lied to and cheated ourselves so many times that we have eventually stopped believing the words that we utter.

Its very easy to break a promise or go back on a commitment that you have made to yourself. After all its only between you and yourself.

Steven Covey has so elegantly explained the reason for this break down in our integrity.

Each and everyone of us has what Steven Covey calls a “Personal Integrity Account”. This account really reflects the amount of trust we have in our selves.

In essence,  the Personal Integrity Account measures the level of trust or distrust that we have in ourselves. If the account is on the extreme positive end, anything that you say, you will do. On the extreme negative end, you would have lied to your self so much that you stop believing in your own promises.

When we make and keep our commitments such as following the prescribed exercise, diet and supplementation regime, we make deposits into this account.

Deposits into the “Personal Integrity Account” increases our own trustworthiness. It increases our ability to make and keep commitments to ourselves and to others.

When we do not achieve our goals or break our commitments, we make withdrawals and this could be a tremendous source of pain. Over time, frequent withdrawals cause us to lose confidence in our ability to make and keep commitments. We lose trust in ourselves! How many times have you said to yourself, “I just don’t think I can do it?”. Would you say something like that if there was a high balance in your Personal Integrity Account?

Cynicism and rationalization often follows and holds us back from achieving greatness in any field. I have heard people say that they feel exercising is too time consuming or their spouse is not supportive or a million other reasons for why they should give up a credible exercise program.

Setting and achieving personal goals adds to your Personal Integrity Account.

Our trustworthiness is only as high as the balance in our Personal Integrity Account. Is there a way that we can increase the positive balance in our Personal Integrity Account? Read the next article “Succeeding With Your Fitness Goals by Depositing Into Your Personal Integrity Account” to find out.

Tags: integrity,weight loss,personal integrity account,why i can’t lose weight, Steven Covey

Anda ingin e-book Indonesia gratis? Silakan kunjungi http://semuabisajadiuang.wordpress.com

Timemanagement. Die trainingen zijn vaak moeilijk te vullen met deelnemers. Die hebben namelijk geen tijd! Soms gaan trainingen timemanagement in op de vaardigheden die je nodig hebt om goed met je tijd om te gaan. Handige tips en trics. Maar dat heeft zelden effect. En dat is niet zo raar. Die tips en trics wist je vaak domweg al. Timemanagement gaat om drie dingen:

• de juiste dingen doen
• de dingen juist doen
• je houding

De juiste dingen doen

Je mag dus als eerste bepalen wat de juiste dingen zijn voor jou. Door Steven Covey worden ze de ‘Big Rocks’ genoemd. En niet voor niets. Het filmpje met grote keien en groen grint laat feilloos zien wat er bedoeld wordt met Big Rocks.

Klinkt eenvoudig. Toch is het dat niet. Een aantal Big Rocks die je vaak hoort: Gezondheid, Gezin, Liefde, Vrienden, Zelfontwikkeling. En werk wordt maar zelden genoemd… en toch zijn we daar druk mee zeg! Onze overtuigingen beletten ons. Tuurlijk vinden we gezondheid belangrijk… maar toch werken we ons een slag in de rondte totdat de stress op de loer ligt. En waarom we dat doen? Lees verder!

Hoe doe je de dingen juist?

Dat is nog geen eenvoudige vraag. Zen to Done, Getting things done, Slik de Kikker, stuk voor stuk boeken die je helpen om de dingen juist te doen. En in ieder boek staan veel manieren die voor jou niet werken. Laat die dan ook links liggen. Pik vooral die tips uit zo’n boek die voor jou wel werken!

Voor mij werken de volgende manieren erg goed:

• neem grote brokken tijd voor grote klussen.
• doe wat binnen twee minuten kan direct.
• doe kruimelzaken in ‘laagwaardige tijdsblokken’
• evalueer dagelijks/regelmatig je actielijst.

Je houding

Last but not least! Je houding. Durf je te gaan staan voor je Big Rocks? Durf je NEE te zeggen tegen zaken die er niet toe doen? Durf je je grenzen aan te geven? Kun je delegeren? Besef je dat NEE zeggen tegen iemand anders impliceert dat je JA zegt tegen je eigen rust, je eigen Big Rock!

Wil je een van de boeken lezen die ik hierboven noemde? Bel me en ik stuur het je graag toe. Je eigen bibliotheek in de buurt (duurzaamheid ten top!) heeft het boek waarschijnlijk ook staan…

Tot slot

Wees lief voor jezelf. Een structuur en houding ontwikkelen voor jezelf in timemanagement is niet iets van de een op de andere dag. Dat heeft tijd nodig. En volharding. Beloon je zelf regelmatig en wees niet te streng voor jezelf  als het eens een keer even niet lukt. Denk aan je Big Rocks en hoe belangrijk die voor je zijn! Succes ermee!

Tim and I have decided on a house that we want to rent in Ann Arbor, and for the past two weeks we’ve been getting all the stuff ready for approval to rent it… and I swear I feel like I’m applying to do any number of things except for a rent a house…. adopt a child, enter the special services, actually BUY said house…

I think the only thing they haven’t asked for is a blood sample.

I’ve given them credit reports, credit scores (mine is pretty sweet, by the way), rental application, proof of employment for myself and Tim, and a notice from our current apartment complex verifying that we do, indeed, live there.

I really hope that we hear back soon as to when we can sign the lease for it. I have plans for furniture arrangements and house-warming parties. Perhaps my friends will actually want to come visit me now that I’ll have a house. All I need now is that skee-ball game I’ve been ogling online and I’ll be set.

This week at work went by pretty fast. Normal Monday morning meeting and Honda meeting on Monday, customer service training conference call on Tuesday, something happened on Wednesday but I can’t remember (hope it wasn’t important, heh), went out to take parts to a customer on Thursday, and then on Friday we had our book review time at the coffee shop and then Paul’s end of term presentation. It is also fun to announce that I know longer have to read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which for lack of a better word was painful. It might have been because I was being forced to read a book and I didn’t have too much of a choice of what book it was, or it could’ve been that I am one of those people that doesn’t buy his new-age-y undertone and “why can’t we all just get along?” approach to business. It was kind of like, Chicken Soup for the (wussy) Capitalist Soul. It may be that I’ve sat through so many various training seminars that there wasn’t much said in the book, aside from his over abundant stories and examples, that I hadn’t heard before or wasn’t what I always thought of as common knowledge.

It was nice to get out of the office to ‘discuss’ our books. There were also free donuts, always appreciated.

Tomorrow I’m going to take some pictures of the two new amigurumi that I made this weekend, they’re super cute.

If blogging is to the mind what house whispering is to the home, then recycling is to the Earth what horse whispering is to the animal. Healing. Our suburb is yet to mobilize into mass action, so we pay a small fee for monthly collection of our waste, separated at source. This is convenient, but also ensures its conscientious disposal. Steven Covey’s original “Seven Habits” include “be proactive®, think win-win®, and synergize®”. He speaks of starting within your own circle of influence. I anticipate the day South Africa and the world unite in Earth whispering.

“Trust has never been more relevant in today’s world, especially in such difficult economic times.  Now more than ever: the ability to establish, grow, extend, and restore trust with all stakeholders-customers, business partners, investors, and co-workers-is the key leadership competency of the new, global economy. Trust is a learnable and measurable skill that makes organizations more profitable, people more promotable, and relationships more energizing.”

-Stephen M. R. Covey, author of The Speed of Trust

Craig and I had a discussion, stemmed from the 30 other conversations we had this past week, about what is the most important element we could present to our clients, prospects, partners, etc.  And, amazingly, we came with a unanimous consensus that we own a company that can be trusted.  It’s our need to express to anyone who is interested in developing a relationship with us, as an individual or through Beholder, is that we are ethical professionals, genuinely interested in their well-being.

Now here’s the tricky and frustrating part… how do you do that without first establishing a relationship?  Well… you don’t.  I wouldn’t.

Quick story on trust – About 15-16 years ago, Craig and I set out to buy our “first” car together.  It was an exciting time.  If I recall, we walked into a Toyota dealer, one woman seated us in one area, a gentleman came in and asked us to come into another room, and then a 3^rd gentleman came in to highlight all the wonderful things about their dealership, in a completely new cubicle.  As we were being piggy-backed room to room, I became increasingly annoyed because we actually didn’t like any car there.  Why didn’t we leave then?  Because they had our car that we drove in with, in the mechanic’s area, to establish its value as a trade in.

After asking politely the first 3 times, and if you know me personally, my tone changed to that of, “You don’t want to make me angry….” expression.  We told him we were not interested and just wanted to go.  And asked what is going on back there that you can’t just give us our car back? Mind you – it’s been about 3 hours!

He said quietly and sheepishly, “What?  Don’t you trust me?”  – I hit the cubicle wall and said “I trust you about as much as I trust this tack on the wall. I don’t know you and all I know is you have my car and won’t return it.”   Needless to say, within 5 minutes of this brief tirade, for fear of driving off other customers, we had our car and headed home.

They never established any sense of trust.  The brand itself built up a perception that it would be wise for us to go into the dealership… but the team inside ruined that experience… that expectation… the deal.

Final thoughts - Be consistent.  Build the relationship. Build your brand based on what you expect to provide.  And then do what is expected… if not go beyond their expectations.

Til next time…

Emilia

The Stephen R.Covey classic book “First Things First” introduced the four quadrants concept of how our life’s activities can be categorized and prioritized. These quadrants could shed a lot of light as to why some people are able to find motivation to exercise where others cannot.

Lets first review the 4 quadrants as described by Steven Covey.

Quadrant 1 : Urgent and Important
Includes crisis matters, pressing problems, deadline-driven projects
Requires externally induced discipline to resolve Q1 issues

Quadrant 2 : Important but not urgent
Consists of activities such as preparation, prevention, planning, relationship building
Require Self Discipline to address Q2 issues.

Quadrant 3 : Urgent but Not Important
Consists of Interruption type activities, trivial calls and mails, reports, meetings
Requires externally induced discipline to resolve Q1 issues.

Quadrant 4 : Not urgent; not important
Examples include trivia, junk mail, some phone calls, “escape” activities.
Does not require any discipline to resolve Q4 issues

Most people suffer from urgency addiction. In order to escape the pain of externally induced discipline of quadrants Q1 and Q3, they get involved in quadrant Q4 activities. Q4 activities to some extent, numb the pain of externally induced discipline via excitement and pleasure. An example of this is going out drinking with friends after a stressful day of meetings and phone calls in the office. The more the pain from quadrants Q1 and Q3, the more the numbing is sort in quadrant Q4. These can be done effortlessly without much thought or discipline.

One of the crucial fundamental flaws that most people make is confusing excitement and pleasure for happiness and joy. These are not the same. In fact the more unhappy a person is, the more excitement and pleasure they will seek to numb their pain of unhappiness. Happiness and joy largely happens in quadrant Q2 ,which requires long term planning and self discipline.

So what has all this got to do with exercise. Well your prioritization of exercise as an important activity will depend on which Quadrant you categorize it as. Let us see the consequences of each approach:

Exercise in Q1 : Urgent and Important
You could be  in a health crisis or you could be wanting to shed the extra pounds in preparation for an upcoming wedding or school reunion. Yes you might get some good results but chances are you will eventually loose any gains made once the crisis is over. It is very unlikely that someone will be able to derive motivation from being in this quadrant for long.

Exercise in Q2 : Important but not urgent
In this quadrant, you know that exercise is not urgent. Nothing happens if you miss an exercise session. But you realize that it is important in the long run. This requires long term thinking, effort and dedication.You need to exercise today in order to enjoy good health tomorrow.

It really follows the law of the farm.You reap today what you have been sowing over the last few years. This quadrant creates true long term sustainable weight loss, health and fitness. Thinking of exercise as a Q2 activity will ensure that you do not get caught in Q1 in the future where your health could be at risk or you find that your weight has crept up on you. It would also ensure that you do not let distractions of Q3 such as phone calls or the like, to distract you because exercise is an important activity. You would also place it on a high priority and this realization ensures that you do not get distracted with Q4 activities.

Exercise in Q3 : Urgent but not important
Anyone categorizing exercise as a Q3 activity will continuously be struggling to find time to exercise. They will be interrupted by the first distraction that comes along. As an example, they could end up being side tracked from exercising by phone calls.

Exercise in Q4 : Not urgent and not important
Chances are that this person will not even begin exercising. He or she may not be able to perceive the long term value of the results and benefits of exercise. Furthermore, this type of thinking categorizes exercise as not urgent and not important and thus not requiring any discipline.

What the above illustrates is the importance of starting exercise with the right quadrant mind set. If you start with the mind set of quadrant Q3 or Q4, is like starting the journey with the wrong map. The journey is doomed to fail from the onset.

Starting the journey with quadrant Q1 is like starting the journey with the right map but one that is too much zoomed in to provide clarity of the end destination. So even though starting with quadrant Q1 is adequate for the short term, you will eventually need to change to quadrant Q2 mind set. This in order to see the big picture which will help you derive long term sustainable benefits from exercise.

Please go to Steven Covey’s web page for more fascinating learning and access to his books.

Tags: First Things First, Steven Covey, urgent and important, important but not urgent, urgent but not important, not urgent and not important, urgency addiction, correct weight loss, weight loss