–from What I Lived For, H.D. Thoreau

I find this movie so synchronistically timely with the recent events of the world: the economy, global warming, Occupy Wall Street, poverty, health care (access and lack there of), educational systems, wars, and the list goes on an on and on and on.  What struck a chord with me while watching this movie was how Shadyac says we should approach the 1% (he doesn’t use that terminology, but when you see the movie, you will understand that he means the same thing); we must act to evoke the change we want in the world with compassion and the understanding that those that are wrecking havoc, abusing the system, the people, and the planet, are in fact mentally ill.  We, through compassionate understanding of this fact and the allowing and use of Love, can help them, which it turn helps and heals the collective all.  And the first person we must start with:  ourselves.

I use capital “L” love intentionally, as I do not mean the mushy, sweet, sappy, polite, I-dont-want-to-hurt-your-feelings kind of love.  I mean love in the way that Gandhi meant it when enacting Satyagraha: Soul Force, or Soul Love; Truth.  For any real GOOD change to be born and have lasting effect and growth, it must start  and end from this place.  Which means, then, that the responsibility falls upon us, individually and collectively, to open up to this change within ourselves that needs to happen in order for this to occur.  This is where our real Power is.  To open up and allow what is already there to emerge and be what moves and breathes and acts and interacts in our world.

(Side note:  Towards the beginning of the movie, Shadyac briefly mentions once hearing about how talking to plants can effect their growth.  I actually did this as a science project experiment when I was in the 5th grade.  I had two sets of plants.  Group A I said loving things to, played them classical music, and “sent” them loving energy.  Group B I yelled at and insulted and neglected other than the basic needs of sunlight and water.  The sunlight and water provided for both groups were identical.  By the end of my experiment ( 6 weeks), Group A plants were strong, bright,  green and flourishing.  Group B had fewer leaves, several yellow or blackening on the tips, and  much weaker structures. TRUE STORY.)

I just cannot recommend this movie enough.  Just see it.  Just see it.  Just see it.  It is already available on Netflix (although I believe there is a long wait…and I do currently have one of the copies:)  and Amazon.  Yes there are spiritual undertones and possible interpretations, but if this tends to not be your cup of tea, know that it is not a religious or woo-woo film.   It is about humanity and life and who and what we really are and what we are really capable of being and creating in our world.  In the words of my late and great friend and ASL instructor, Geoff Mathay:

“I believe.  I have hope.”

was said to me here in my chest.

What was told the Cypress that made it strong and straight, what was

whispered the jasmine so it is what it is, whatever made

sugarcane sweet, whatever

was said to the inhabitants of the town of Chigil in

Turkestan that makes them

so handsome, whatever lets the pomegranate flower blush

like a human face, that is

being said to me now. I blush. Whatever put eloquence in

language, that’s happening here.

The great warehouse doors open; I fill with gratitude,

chewing a piece of sugarcane,

in love with the one to whom every that belongs!

– Rumi, translation ©2005 — Coleman Barks

Most days I feel miserable making the trip to and fro work on the LRT. The walk to the station is all of 2 minutes, but I’m usually drenched in sweat by the time I get there. The path to the station is gravelly and uneven; those who walk it mostly carry worn-out, angry faces. There are no working fans at the station; the station itself is battered with neglect and time, despite being newly-renovated. It is always a sorry journey, and I always feel overwhelmingly happy to arrive at work.

The other day I took a leisurely noon stroll to Chow Kit, where my housemates and I never venture despite it being so near owing to all the horror stories we have heard about the seedy things that happen there. No wonder that place has a reputation – the shophouses look like they never left the 60s.

But despite it all, there are days when KL’s disorderly, nearly chaotic charm shines through.

Sometimes it is heartwarming. KL is not known for good service, hell no. But that makes that occasional sincere thank you or you’re welcome you get from the cashier, or the cleaning lady, all the more meaningful. That makes you all the more grateful when the supermarket assistant comes and passes you one of those fruit plastic bags because you’ve been standing there trying to peel the bag open to no avail, looking like a fool.

Other days it is downright ridiculous. One look at KL’s haphazard highways snaking and weaving all over the place, and you cannot help but give in to a resigned laugh.

Sometimes it is poignant. Today on the LRT I saw a tiny little boy, perhaps no more than 3 years old. He was dressed in old, dirty clothes – his arms and legs were skinny and gangly, and his head slightly too big. You know all too well that he probably doesn’t eat very much. Yet underneath the grime on his once brightly-coloured T-shirt was a picture of four figures dancing, and in cheerful lettering, were the words ‘Windy Time’. The picture was so incongruous with the scene, so incompatible with his sunken angry face, and his father’s weary eyes, that it made me suddenly want to cry. Among all the places I’ve lived in, KL is the only place I’ve witnessed such a blatant disparity of wealth in a single vehicle of public transport.

KL is far from perfect; there is much work to be done. Sometimes I feel like I want to be part of that change, sometimes I don’t. And I have come to realise that this conflicted feeling resonates very strongly with how I handle many other things in life – I tend to get impatient with imperfection, and get tempted to run away and start from a clean slate, every single time. Bad blog post draft – ctrl A, delete.  Rocky moments in a relationship with another human being – ignore person, pretend I can move on and live without that person anyway.

So maybe there will be something to learn from this. And in the end, from my future position as a better, stronger, more tolerant person, I will, as always, look back see how foolish I was to have been miserable in the first place.

I believe I am hearing God, but what if my heart, being deceitfully wicked and no man, including me, can know it, has misled me?

I believe I am hearing God, but what if my motives, paradigms and ignorance are all in the way?

I believe I am hearing God, but what if I am functioning out of blindness and deafness, unknown to me?

I believe that I am hearing God, but what if I have hidden unresolved issues with my mother or father or some kind of ancestral bondage’s that are getting in the way?

I believe I am hearing God, but the counsel of my friends in Christ cannot agree as to whether the question I had asked the Lord to begin with, was accurately framed according to the doctrines of our faith and therefore genuinely theologically sound?

I believe I am hearing God, but what if there is hidden unconfessed sin in my life that stands between me and the Lord?

I believe I am hearing God, but what about the possibility of my exegete of the text was improper and it’s the one that I believe he is speaking to me through?

I believe that I am hearing God, but what if I am using the wrong translation?

I believe I am hearing God, but what if I have gotten the Greek grammar incorrect, or I haven’t parsed the verse correctly, or the syntax isn’t clearly perceived by me, or the lexicon isn’t new enough or theologically unbiased enough?

I believe that I am hearing God, but what if the words that I am reading in my Bible, were not translated properly for the times in which we live or they are not good enough English or too masculine or have too much doctrinal bias, and how do I know anyway?

I believe I am hearing God, but what about my theological presuppositions that shape how I see and hear and therefore how I interpret what it is that I see and hear, are all wrong and I don’t know it?

I believe that I am hearing God, but what about my having failed to consider the context on my environment adequately and its impact upon my circumstances?

I believe that I am hearing God, but what if it is just what I had for dinner not setting well, or I am just too tired or just too stressed out or I am just too depressed, etc.?

I believe that I am hearing God, but maybe I am just making a false assumption based upon my presumed need to hear and be heard.

I believe that I am hearing God, but maybe I have only projected upon the scriptures my cultural and personal perceptions or presuppositions.

I believe I am hearing God, but what if in truth I have become overwhelmed with having already heard everyone else’s voice, first.

So, is it possible to actually hear the Lord, accurately? How do you know, really? You too, maybe deceived. How do I know that you are not? Really?

John 10:27 ESV My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

I wrote the above after having read the many contradictions that are all posed on various god-blogs throughout the web. So, I thought I would put all of these things together and add a few of my own, just to make a point. The Point is, we can read too many points of view that contradict what it is we think that we believe and if we are not careful we will only end up thoroughly confused and bound with a heightened insecurity in the our being able to discern the will of and thus the voice of the Lord. It ultimately doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, it only genuinely matters what the Lord is saying and has said. Hearing the Lord is not the same as hearing everyone else. Hearing the Lord is a learning process and should not be so easily presumed upon and yet hearing the Lord should be eagerly pursued. It is learning to draw near him and him alone within the Tent of Meeting, His Word and there discovering the voice (his spontaneous thoughts and impressions) of your Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus.

There in the Tent of Meeting (His living Word) we must learn to trust that it is the Lord’s very real desire to commune and communicate with us, teaching us His voice, His way, so that you can truly know and therefore do His will. Then as you grow, over time and experience, in discerning the Lord’s Voice, a confidence of hearing His distinct voice rising up clearly in and through all the noise and sounds of all the other voices, will in time become yours, in Christ Jesus. It is then that we can cut through all of the piles of opinions and differences out there, resting in the certainty of having been taught by the Lord Jesus, through the wonderful work of the Holy Spirit, to truly know and discern His distinctive voice above all others with confidence. It is a process, and takes real time and learning but one with great rewards and the fruit of his wonderful peace and rest. Pursue the voice of the Lord with confidence that He your Lord and Savior is eager to teach you what is genuinely and only His voice/word.

You also might want to read or even re-read this post called… Are You Hearing His Word For You?

The purpose of  life is to continuously develop your deepest passion (that which you find to be the most fun, exhilarating, and perhaps even sometimes uncomfortable or scary) and through the use of that ultimate joy, give and be of service to others in a deeply meaningful and personal way.  Surrendering TO this provides lifeblood from Life’s fountain of youth.  Surrendering IT to the “something elses”  of life sadly does just the opposite.

This nana’s got it goin’ on.

I assume you can imagine my dismay when I discovered myself to be awake at 3:03 am. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing where I am in time during the night hours so I am rarely surprised by the time when I find myself awake prior to my “normal” waking hour. I didn’t want to look at the clock because I knew it was around 3am and I was also familiar enough with my stirrings to know that this was not a state of being in which I would be able to fall back to sleep.

I knew that if I looked at the clock then I was going to have to rise and create something because that is what I preach – and I just did so in the booklet I recently completed for Intrinsic Universe, so I had to honor my word! Because, let’s be real, what sort of healer and coach would I be if I did not first do that which I preached to my people??!

So, I resisted looking at the clock – all while knowing I was resisting myself. I tossed. I turned. I disturbed my daughter. And I grew increasingly restless.

Then I looked at the clock…

Damn it! 3:03am.

I slid out of bed, donned my robe and slippers and stealthily walked out into the cool, dark, sleeping house. Grabbing my favorite afghan, I started up my computer, comforted by the familiar glow of her screen. As usual, I checked in with my social networks, checked email and then logged into my software where I write.

Given that I am in the throes of a new book, my brain is wont to being in overdrive, continually churning out material for more chapters than would be feasible for one book. I start writing in my sleep, dreaming of the physical process of creating letters that form words. I start seeing messages everywhere, hearing them, grabbing tidbits that fit with the theme of my work. My entire life becomes this work of art that is flowing through me, which, at times, is a bit disconcerting.

Especially when I’m trying to sleep.

So, I sat there, with my computer whirring gently on my lap, my toes curled in my blanket and my brain buzzing with ideas. I placed my fingers upon the keys and just let my brain run away with them. One of the things I love about writing for me is the timelessness that comes from this space. When I am “in the flow” of the project, I can write for hours without food or water. When I’m blocking myself, then it’s all sorts of frustrating. So, I feel really grateful for the times when I am in a space of allowing.

As I wrote, my computer made a little “ding” to alert me that I had received an email. I opened my mailbox to discover a form email from one of my mentors. Her newsletters are full of helpful information and educational videos, so I look forward to reading them. I was in a good place to pause in my writing, so I opened her video and was surprised to find a tearful, unscripted, soul-baring clip of her in her most human state – totally unlike anything I’ve ever received from her.

Near the end, she wryly said, “My coach thought it would be a good idea for me to record this and send it to you. I like for you to know that I’m human. Just not… this human.”

I grinned at that because I could so relate. As a healer and coach myself, at times I can have this self-imposed need to be “perfect” for my clients all while  teaching them to be human. It is an interesting path to walk – that of a healer. My greatest power comes from my humanity, my frailty, my emotions and what I choose to do with them. And that, at times, is what I most want to hide from those around me.

As I watched her video, I remembered the times that I have been most moved by my other mentors, and by her now too. Those were the times that they let go of their “Perfect Practitioner” persona and became real with me. It was when they let me see them in action, practicing what they preached. It was when they shared how they had not done what they teach, how it affected them, how they felt, what they learned and what they are doing now. It was when they showed me they were human.

The thing I appreciate most about me being so reluctant to roll out of bed and follow my own teaching this morning is that I imagine that is how most of my clients feel at 3:03am and they hear my voice in their head saying, “If you find yourself awake at 3am, get up and create!”

Ugh! I am with you, my friends! It sucks to be up this early. And, still… it has its rewards. If, for nothing else, I just practiced what I preach and that is powerful.

First writing prompt of 2012:  write about what stirs you

#42: Screen doors, particularly the metal kind with the hinge that looks like an air pump and makes that “swoooosh” sound halfway to its destination as it closes and “catches” on said hinge, then vibrating its tin body as it bangs shut, hard and loud the first time, but always bouncing back for a final encore against and within its frame.

Also, little messages from the Universe, like when you’re riding the N train back from Union Square to Queens (after originally trekking out there on News Year’s Day for a Trader Joe’s run, only to be greeted with a “CLOSED” sign, thus turning right around and heading straight back) and letting your current worries have a hay day in your head space:

I pray the Lord will rise up and once again confirm His Word for His People to Awake and Arise in His Worship. May He continue to break forth His Anointing for His Worship, His Prophetic Worship Within and Through His Church. May we all by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit surrender to all that He is saying and bless the Lord, doing today! May we once again so deeply hunger and thirst for the Lord Jesus Christ to have His Way With Us All, that we indeed not only cry out but yield, surrender in eyes wide open genuine and authentic saving faith. Blessed be the Lord Jesus Christ!

*****

Wake up! Wake up! All God’s children, Awake!

The day of light, of His very light is upon us. Let us rise up into the praise and worship of He who is our very hope, our very heart and our very breath! Yes, let us rise up, waking up to the beauty of His wondrous grace, mercy and truth.

It is a day reckoning, a day of wonder and a day of glory made manifest. Yes, let us awaken to the light of his wonder, glory and grace. Awaken, yes awaken to the dawning of this His new season of worship and praise so that we will all be caught up into the glory of that which He has made manifest and the wonder of His wonder.

Arise oh living saints, arise to the singing of His worship and grace on high. He is calling us to arise and to come up unto Him in the power of this His new season of praise and worship. His worship and in the power of His presence made manifest. Arise! Arise oh people of God, Arise! Arise!

Surrender unto He who is our Lord, our God and our King. Yes, surrender, surrender all; All! Yes I said all! Holding nothing back from He who is our very hope; Holding nothing, Not  anything back from He who is our Salvation; Holding nothing back from He who is our Christ and King; Holding nothing back from Him and the power of His Praise and Worship that He is pouring forth upon the church and the children of God. Surrender, yes, surrender to His anointing and the power of His glory rising up to shine forth within His church and His people, the people of Almighty God!

His weapons of warfare will be a new era of His prophetic worship, of His prophetic praise, of His prophetic children arising in the power and majesty of His grace revealed in His prophetic worship, yes, His prophetic worship!

Let us arise into the glories of His majesty and the beauty of His presence and the wonder of His breath sent forth in the midst of the gatherings of His people before His throne of mercy and grace. Yes! Let us arise in His Spirit of Worship, His Worship.

The windows are opening, wider and wider. The Kingdom of God will be seen more and more as we enter into the presence of He who is our very life and living, our very breath and substance. Yes, let us arise and go forth in the power of His praise and of His worship. Yes, Let us arise, let us arise, let us arise unto the glory that is The Christ of the Most High God. For we who are His are called for such a time as this, a time that He has ordained, a time that He has ordained for the now of His Kingdom, His Church. Let us arise! Let us arise and lift up the name of He who is our hope, He who is our God and King, our Righteousness. Yes, let our voices and our hearts in song be lifted up in the praise of He who is our very life, our very bread of life. Yes! Let us arise in His Worship, His Worship, for indeed now is the time of His Worship and of His praise going forth through out the world.

Catch the anointing that is for the now! Catch the anointing that is for this season of life and warfare. Yes, catch the anointing that is His for us in the now of this time and place! Yes, let us catch the anointing that He is pouring forth unto all who will receive what it is that He is making available by His mercy and grace!

Will you draw forth unto He who is our Worship, our praise, our very breath? Will you arise with and unto He who is our very Life? Will you arise in the power of His glory, praise and majesty? Arise and come forth, He says! Arise and come forth He says to us who are His very children, His very family, His very heart. Will you arise, in and with Him in this season of power, mercy and glory? Will you arise, unto He who is our very life, breath and hope? Will you? Will We?

As for me and my house, we will arise unto He who is our very life and breath! Yes, we will arise, we will arise and enter into the glory of His fresh anointing of His worship and His praise of Him, He who is our very worship, of He who is our very praise, He who is our very life breath! Yes we will arise! We will arise! Will you?

John 4:23-24 (ESV) But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. ²⁴ God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.

In Spirit and In Truth

I confess that I love the church and the people of God, how can I not? They are my Lord and Saviors children. I also confess that I do not always like the church or what is going on in it. My heart, however, when it is said and done is pro-church and therefore pro-people of God.

I am concerned about what is going on today throughout the world of the church. Statistically, there seems to be a very real departure or exodus of people from what has been frequently referred to as the Institutional (IC) or Organized Church (OC). Now what I can surmise from this term as it is being used over the web is that we are speaking of any church that has its own church building, which is dedicated to the purpose of being, doing and having church with those who enter within. It can refer to denominational churches, regardless of the denomination. It can also refer to those who belong to or are a part of these churches. This seems too broad for me and evades the complexity of what it is that truly is the Body of Christ.

Now I may not be exactly accurate on this, but as I read what has been said around the web, this is where I end up. There seems to be little differentiating between churches or kinds of churches; leadership issues bad and good, church forms bad and good, etc. There just seems to be these broad sweeping generalizations in regards to the Institutional Church and those within them. These broad strokes of the brush, paint pictures of sameness with very little effort given to identifying what it is that is seen as the specific issues or problems, where they exist (except in the broad sweep of the Institutional Church or Organizational Church), why they exist, where they don’t exist (except outside of IC/OC), and how best to overcome these issues, except to throw out everything and start over. In other words, if you are a part of the “Institutional Church or Organized Church”, then you are a part of the problem no matter what.

I truly believe the church, the Body of Christ Jesus, where it is genuinely needed to be saved, is indeed worth saving. As a result of this conviction, I have given my life to working with churches, ministries and leadership in crisis, transition, and those in plain need of change, etc. I have heard these broad sweeping generalizations for a long time from within existing churches and outside. Admittedly they often come from hurt, disillusionment, bitterness, resentment, frustration, etc. but this does not diminish them or their need to be heard. I readily agree that there are some very real problems generally within many and various churches, and church organizations, etc. throughout the world. After all of these years of working with the church frequently at its worst and all too frequently becoming the target of this very hurt, anger and pain, I still believe that these issues are all resolvable, redeemable, reformable, fixable and I am not convinced that we need to throw out the baby with the dirty bath water. I do believe that we have a lot of work to do. The question is, are we willing to do the work that is needed, in and through the Lord Jesus Christ? There seems to be all too few who truly are, genuinely.

My concern regarding the church is at least threefold: 1) We do have serious issues that we need to come to grips with; 2) There remain those within the church at large who are still out of touch with this; 3) It has become too easy for many to just quit and walk away, and all too often, taking the problems with them.

In part, the walking away, I think is a reflection of our culture. The New Testament word for “church” is ekkleesia, which means “the called out ones.” So, when we come to the New Testament, we discover that ekkleesia is used of the community of God’s people some 109 times (out of 114 occurrences of the term). Although the word only occurs in two Gospel passages (Matt 16:18; 18:17), it is of special importance in Acts (23 times) and the Pauline writings (46 times). It is found twenty times in Revelation and only in isolated instances in James and Hebrews. We may broach the subject of the biblical teaching on the church by drawing three general conclusions from the data so far. First, is that ekkleesia predominantly (both in the singular and plural) applies to a local assembly of those who profess faith in and allegiance to Christ Jesus. Second, ekkleesia designates the universal church (Acts 8:3; 9:31; 1 Cor 12:28; 15:9; especially in the later Pauline letters, Eph 1:22-23; Col 1:18). Third, the ekkleesia is God’s congregation (1 Cor 1:2; 2 Cor 1:1; etc. and not ours).[1]

So as we consider the whole idea of church you will discover that the church is plural in that it is made up of community. You cannot be the church as an individual. The Church is the assembly (plural) of the called out ones. It is not the person, who is called out as the church. It is the individuals called out together as a community from the world and unto the Lord Jesus Christ. So, the whole concept of the ekkleesia is built upon the idea of community or relationships. Our culture has become that which reflects the idea of, “if you don’t like what is going on in a relationship, go find another one”. Just look at the divorce or abandonment statistics within and without the church. People rarely are willing to fight for their marriage, friendships, families, to the point of restoration and reconciliation, etc. I find that they are willing to fight, with each other or others, but not truly for the reconciliation of those relationships and this is all too clear in the Church as well.

2 Cor 5:18-21 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation ; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation . 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (ESV)

NT:2644 Reconciliation: to reestablish proper friendly interpersonal relations after these have been disrupted or broken (the componential features of this series of meanings involve (1) disruption of friendly relations because of (2) presumed or real provocation, (3) overt behavior designed to remove hostility, and (4) restoration of original friendly relations) – ‘to reconcile, to make things right with one another, reconciliation.’ [2]

I am not some idealist. I have been fighting this battle for the church and the people of God in the trenches for a very long time. I too have wanted to quit and give up, especially after the last church we worked with and after 35 plus years of fighting these battles, across this country. However, when is all said and done I simply cannot quit. The Lord Jesus saved me out of my deep-seated hatred for the church, its people and its leadership (a whole other story) and placed me within His Body that I might, by the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ, see His health and healing come to His Church and His people (Jer 33:6 ESV), that His witness might truly be seen in and before the world. Hatred, anger, frustration and resentment is all too easy; criticism, negativity and just plain quitting is all too easy. Reconciliation isn’t always easy. In fact it is often just plain hard and requires a lot of grace, faith, hope, love and lots of hard work.

However, Reconciliation is the ministry of the Kingdom. This is who we are in the Lord Jesus Christ and to this each and every believer has been called. Yes, we have all been given the ministry of reconciliation; all of us who are called by the name of the Lord Jesus. I know that this text in Corinthians above is speaking of reconciling the world to the Lord, however if we are not walking out genuine reconciliation with each other, then our witness before the world if not the witness of Christ Jesus and the purpose for which he came, which was and is to reconcile the world to himself, and it is thus compromised through us. If we are not being reconciled to each other, living out the Kingdom reality of His reconciliation on a daily basis, are we then truly reconciled to the Lord Jesus? There is not enough room here to cover everything that needs to said, but there is enough room to try to stir up our hearts to the job that truly needs to done.

There is just too much yet to do and if I become like those who are bailing or jumping ship, standing in judgment, criticism and negativity towards and concerning the church, Institutional or otherwise, then I simply become a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. The world needs to see Jesus. We are His Body in the world; this means the world can only see Jesus where, his body is genuinely reflecting him. We cannot reflect him where we are moving in an opposite spirit than that which is his, as revealed in our tearing each other apart, breaking fellowship with each other, opposing one another, constantly jumping ship just because things are seemingly too hard and no longer functioning as we want or demand that they function.

Talk can be very helpful as a step in the healing and restoration process, but if talk is all there is, if there isn’t the very hard and sometimes very painful work of overcoming the problems in Christ Jesus within the church and the people of God, then all of the talk is just that, talk. If our faith isn’t genuinely moving out of a love for the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ, His Body, in all of its diversity, in sickness and health, in good times and bad, in poverty and wealth, then at best we’re just seeking to serve ourselves and not one another. We have problems in the Body of Christ to be sure. Some of these issues are difficult to deal with and comprehend. Regardless, there is a lot we can in Christ Jesus do to see these needed changes come to pass. If only we together, are willing to lay down our lives, for one another, that Christ Jesus, in spirit and in truth, might be seen in, to and through us all, before a lost and dying world!

Is the church truly worth saving? Absolutely! You were, even at your absolute worst. How more so is that which is called to reflect Him in and before a dying world.

_________________________________________

Another one of those ridiculously contented days I feel should be etched in writing, simply because it made me feel ridiculously fulfilled.

It is a rare and wonderful thing to be able to wake up and immediately see someone that makes you so happy – and you know it is genuine because you mumble and say happy things in that state of half-awakened slumber.

It is so nice to be able to colour your afternoon and evening in the company of newfound friends you trust and like and make you laugh, even if you waste so much time on mundane things like getting lost and finding a space in the parking lot. Because at the end of it all, you have a good meal, you make wisecracks, and it becomes another funny memory to be tucked away safely, and then unwrapped and remembered in times of death-defying gloom.

It is satisfying to spend the late evening discussing matters that are deeply close to your heart, and that you are genuinely care about. And then, in a morbidly ironic kind of way, to adjourn to somebody’s room to indulge in something as shallow but deliciously fun as scaring ourselves silly over some silly horror movie.

And it is simply magical to end the night lying down under the stars, gazing up at the sky, tracing out with your fingers the rainbow rings that circle the moon, pondering about life and death and the universe, reflecting on how tiny and insignificant we are, really - with friends you have known and loved for a long time, and friends you know you will love for a long time.

Here in Exodus we see that the presence of the Lord was so vital to Moses that he said to the Lord that if the Lord was not going to come with them, then don’t send Israel up to the Promise Land. The Lord offered earlier to send up an Angel who would assure them of the fulfillment of the Lord’s promise in providing them the Promise Land. For Moses this was not enough. He wanted the Lord’s presence, not simply the presence of an Angel no matter how great the Angel was.

I find this so very significant for us today as well. The evidence of Gods manifest presence with and amongst His people is both that which confirms the favor of God concerning His people and that which makes them distinct from the rest of the World. This distinction is vital for us as the people of God. We’re to be in, yet not of the world. The question remains however, how far shall we go without His manifest, evident, or tangible presence?

So vital was and is the manifest presence of the Lord, as opposed to our assumption of His presence in our midst, that we should not want to, as Moses, do anything without His very real and tangible presence. We can do the same things as the world, and I am not speaking in terms of sin and sinning, rather in terms of life and living and be very different in our doing. What genuinely distinguishes us from the rest of the world isn’t so much what we do, in general terms, as much as the reality of God’s relationship and thus His favor and very real manifest presence with us, in what we do, say and are. It is not a reality that I desire to in any way presume upon.

It is as if the Lord was saying to Moses and Israel, that if the point of this whole trip is the goal alone, then I will make sure you arrive at the goal, but without me, personally. The Lord was being faithful even when they were unfaithful. Sure, I will send an angel along with you to see that you get to the goal you are pursuing and I am even promised to you, seeing the promise fulfilled for you, but I just won’t come along. Because, if I do, I just may, because of your rebellion, pride and stubbornness, wipe you out. The Lord does not want us to be so goal or even promise oriented that we lose sight of the vitalness of a relationship in and with Him. A goal achieved without the manifest presence of the Lord is, in spirit and truth, a dead-end; a goal simply achieved. For In Spirit and Truth, He Is Everything!

Moses understood this issue. He understood that there was no point in finishing the Tabernacle, if God’s presence wasn’t going to fill it. He also understood that just going to the land of milk and honey wouldn’t transform the land into a Holy land, filled with a Holy People, serving a Holy God, simply because they were now there. Moses also new that they would no longer be a nation of Priests, for there would be no priesthood where there wasn’t the tangible presence of God amongst His people to worship.

Hear Moses and his hearts cry; if your presence is not with us, then you are not with us. Therefore, do not send us up from here, for without you and thus your revealed presence, we are no different from anyone else. In truth, I simply wonder if we actually think in such high terms of the manifest presence of the Lord in our lives. Christ in us is not only our hope but a genuine tangible reality of The Truth. I wonder if we truly are so aware of the significance and value of God’s presence in and amongst us, that we would not desire to do anything without His tangible presence manifest in our lives.

His manifest presence seems to also clearly reflect God’s favor. His favor and presence go hand in hand. I wonder if we just take the presence of God for granted, assuming His presence to always be there just because. As result of this presumption, or very similar presumptions, we are no longer sensitive or maybe never really was, to His actual tangible presence. Thus, we, in all likelihood do not even notice when He really isn’t where we are or isn’t going where we are going? How sad is this? How grievous is this?

God is omnipresent, everywhere present. We cannot go anywhere in the earth and the presence of God not be there. This however, is not the presence that Moses is speaking about. There is also the presence of God that exists in the heart of the individual, such as Moses or us as born again believers. God was not saying to Moses I am not going to have anything to do with you. In a very real way, God’s chosen Angel leading us would be to the Lord God, His being very much involved in what is going on. For in truth, the Angel would do nothing apart from the will of God. However, there is yet another aspect of the presence of God and it is that aspect of the presence of God that Moses is speaking of. It is the tangible, evident, manifest and very personal presence of God, that is revealed intimately, personally, and indeed corporately; the personal and relational presence of God in the midst of the assembly of God, the body of God, His people, His chosen ones and their personal lives as well.

It is this aspect of the presence of God that I believe that Moses is concerned with. The declaration was that God will not remain in the corporate Body of God however, He will give an Angel in His place, as an extension of Himself. I wonder today, if the Lord was to do this, that far too many would not even notice. Ministry life would simply go on as it always has. In fact, who is to say that He doesn’t do this or even hasn’t already done this? Have so many of us grown so insensitive to His tangible Presence that we would not even notice that His genuine manifest presence was lacking? Are we so insensitive to His personal manifest presence that we are so unaware when we grieve Him or have gone down a path or road not of His choosing? Are we so presumptuous regarding the presence of God that the thought that Lord God might not be involved in that we are doing, saying, being and going, could ever even enter our thoughts or hearts. Can we even tell the difference between His genuinely being present in and amongst us or not?

One of the things that I see in regards to God’s presence in the Church of The Wilderness is simply that God’s presence was manifest. The presence of God was indeed in and amongst His people in a manner that was tangible, visible and evident to all. You could not be in the camp of God’s people and not see or notice the presence of God, as He revealed Himself through the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night or the revelation of His Word through His Servant Moses or the daily provision of manna, their substance of life and living. There was clearly a demonstrable evidence of the Lord God’s presence, in and amongst His people.

Whenever Moses would go to meet with the Lord God, everyone in camp would know. They would know because they could see the pillar of Gods presence descend upon the Tent of Meeting. No secret meeting here. They would also know because of the clear and powerful revelation of God’s Word that would come forth from that encounter with God. They would also know because of the visibly evident change of and in Moses, himself. They also were clearly aware of the tangible presence of God when in judgment they received corporately the consequences of their corporate sin and rebellion. Our God isn’t one who longs to go unnoticed by His people and simply taken for granted which they also succumbed to later on and for a very long season. He isn’t a God who has chosen to hide from us His people playing hide and seek, find me if you can. No! He continuously has broken onto the scene of life revealing Himself to all who would see and hear Him and He hasn’t always done this in a subtle manner. He remains the God of the garden, desiring to fellowship in and amongst His people in the cool quietness of our evenings.

He has deliberately made His presence known in and amongst His people. Look in the temple and you will see the Bread of His Presence, another constant reminder that Gods People serve a God that dwells in their midst, therefore be Holy as He is Holy. He has sent His only Son to be born of a woman, as a man, to walk amongst us and reveal to us the Word of God concerning salvation, redemption and the Truth of God the Father. He broke into life with the singing of the Angels, the Shepherds and the coming of the Wise men and the disturbance of Herod’s household. When on the Day of Pentecost the outpouring of the Holy Spirit took place, this wasn’t accomplished in a quiet, hidden and mild manner way, as if to sneak into the church. He broke onto the scene in and with power, creating a commotion and drawing attention to this most significant event so that His Word could go forth to all would see and hear. He broke into the world in such a way that the Roman empire was radically impacted by His presence in and amongst His holy people even as they tried with all of their might to stamp out every evidence of Him.

I for one am very grateful for the manifest presence of God. I am pleased to have a God that wants to reveal Himself in our midst. I, as Moses believe that the manifest presence of God is vital to us all and indeed makes a clear distinction between us and the world as the bearers of His favor. It is the Presence of God that distinguishes us and all that we are and do from the ordinary. The presence of God is revealed to us by the power of the Holy Spirit. I for one will not be satisfied with simply the things of God, or even His promises fulfilled, if they come without the clear evidence of His manifest presence, His Holy Person. My heart cries out for more of Him and not for more of His stuff, which He evidently is willing to grant us apart from Himself. I do not want form at the expense of His Person, His powerful presence. The joy of my heart and soul is to dwell in the manifest presence of the Lord Jesus for always. He is what I desire most in my life.

When I think of the Church it is the same for me; I long to see and know the presence of our mighty God, manifest in the congregation of God’s people gathered together in His name. I am convinced that it is the power of His presence that turns hearts towards Him in saving grace; that convicts us of our sin and sinfulness; that brings us His health and healing; that draws us into the intimacy of a vibrant union in and with Him; that opens eyes to the truth, opens ears to hear and hearts to obey God’s Word; that opens up the scriptures to us His people; that makes preaching and teaching the Word of God… prophetic; that makes corporate worship ascend to the plain of His Throne as a fragrance, an aroma that is pleasing unto Him.

Exodus 34:10 (ESV) And he said, “Behold, I am making a covenant. Before all your people I will do marvels, such as have not been created in all the earth or in any nation. And all the people among whom you are shall see the work of the Lord, for it is an awesome thing that I will do with you.

Make it so Lord Jesus, make it so! If you Lord God Almighty are not going to go and be with us, then do not send us up from here; let us go no further than where we are right now. Lord it is your tangible presence that reveals your favor and distinguishes us from the ordinary and worldly. Let us be truly set apart in Your presence made manifest, that you Lord God, will be glorified in all that we say, do and are in the earth, in spirit and in truth, or let us go no further. Amen!

I am eager to grow, yet I am desperate to go back.

I miss Warwick.

I miss having Matt Willis pace back and forth between my and Nat’s door, plucking Kungfu Panda on the guitar. I miss fish fingers at Jon’s. I miss running to the TES in the skimpiest dress imaginable in the dead of winter, flushed with alcohol and high on life.

I miss zigzagging between rehearsals, teaching people to sing, teaching myself to sing, savouring the sweet sweet sense of accomplishment knowing that I am immersing myself in all that I love – despite the sacrifice of relationships. I miss cooking tomyam fried rice, and chopping garlic and spring onions and carrots and breaking eggs in our oblong spacious kitchen, with Jo pacing in and out, Frankie washing something, and Arthur leaping into the kitchen in his leather coat, all glistening and shining from the deliriousness of dance.

I miss library times. I miss staring at Finance in frustration. I miss crying over having to juggle too many things at once, and then coming to terms with it and realising that I have grown stronger. I miss snow, and the whiteness of Hearsall Common, and knowing that when life gets a bit tough, sights like that will touch your heart just that little bit, and you suddenly feel a lot better.

I miss the feeling at the end of third year. At graduation. Walking onstage, triumphant and aglow from the fact that I’ve just sung with the Chamber Choir at my own graduation, knowing that university couldn’t have ended any better than it did.

That I know the best 3 years of my life was spent singing and dancing to life, sometimes intoxicated, and doing things and meeting people I will treasure forever.

I guess it’s time to move on. If only I knew how to get over that little bit of lingering sadness.

Believers have amazing spiritual potential.  The very Spirit of God can flow like rivers through our hearts releasing a flood of the fruit (the character) and the gifts (the power) of the Spirit.

So how do we begin to realize that spiritual potential in our daily lives?  Paul gives us two keys.  He says:  “Stir up the gift that is within you,” and “Quench not the Spirit.”  The Holy Spirit will flow freely from within us if we stir Him up, and don’t hold Him back.  So how do we do those two things?  Here are some practical suggestions:

*  Surrender.  Give your will to God.  Lay down your opinions, your way, and your desires and begin to follow and obey Him, even in “little” things.

*  Quit wrongful thoughts and behaviors.  Sin stifles the Spirit.  Stop all known wrongdoing.  Ask God to show you any moral problems in your life that you are unaware of and stop those, too. 

*  Promptly obey any stirrings of the Spirit.  When you sense the Spirit nudging you to say or do something, do it right away, regardless of any feared consequences.  Follow the words of Jesus’ mother, Mary.  She said:  “Whatever He says to you, do it.”

*  Regularly read the Bible devotionally.  Read it every day like you would read a love letter from the person you love the most (not dutifully as if it was a textbook).  Begin by focusing on the New Testament.  When you read a command, get up and actually do what it tells you to.

*  Hang out with people who know how to humbly flow in the Spirit.  If you know (or know of) anybody who regularly steps out of the box and acts like Jesus, spend time with her/him.   The flow of the Spirit is more caught than taught.  Also you can hang with Holy Spirit flow-ers through their books.  Read the writings of the church fathers, the Catholic mystics, the early Protestant missionaries, the Orthodox monks of the Philokalia, the early Methodists,  the early Anabaptists, the early Quakers, the early Pentecostals.  A great many of those people knew how to flow in the Spirit.

*  If you live in Nashville, come and experience Spirit-led, participatory church where people are free to share testimonies, Scriptures, encouragement, one-on-one ministry, prayer requests, and gifts of the Spirit, as prompted by God at The Salvation Army Berry Street Worship Center, 225 Berry Street, Nashville, 37207 on Sundays at 10:45am.

Big things such as househunting, for example. Signing tenancy agreements. Writing cheques. Using big, grown-up words like ‘deposits’.

Little things like- actually flossing your teeth everyday (go on, judge me…). Actually giving thought to the amount of cholesterol you consume after 3 days of eating lots of prawns. Eating oats, instead of a Snickers bar, for breakfast.

It’s a strange new world.

On another note, this is a very sweet little post.

Someday I would also like to be the idea of beautiful to someone who is my whole life. Getting there, however, is the hard part.

I have been in his position before. I understand the desperation he must feel when you are that close to achieving your hopes and dreams, only to have them crash down on you simply because of what you perceive to be systematic injustice (operative word being perceive here).

Therefore I can see where the extremity of his actions is coming from. And again, let me clarify that I do not necessarily agree or disagree with what he did – my agreement or disagreement with his actions are impertinent to what I want to say.

Many commentators on the Malaysian Insider article have scoffed at him and his mentality of ‘self-entitlement’ – telling him he needs to grow up and face the world with a more positive attitude and this lawsuit that he is slamming at Khazanah is, if anything, simply displaying his weakness of character and inability to cope with failure.

General opinion is that just because he has a Cambridge offer, he should not presume he automatically deserves the Cambridge scholarship. They tell him to take a look inward instead, and realise that scholarship requirements go beyond paper qualifications such as, most (in)famously, the number of A’s in his basket, or a university offer. That he needs the whole package as a individual in order to really qualify as an awardee.

Now. To be fair, the boy has to be realistic. There are obviously more than 3 Cambridge offer holders in Malaysia. And surely he cannot definitely prove by any measurable means that he is better than the others.

However, from where I sit as a survivor of the Malaysian education system and the whole agonising rigmarole of the scholarship application process – the commentators are being rather unfair to him, and are really missing the underlying issue here.

We have been told from young that as long as you max out your number of O-level/SPM As and you have at least three distinct extra-curricular activities under your belt – you are a sure win. Indeed the media likes to affirm this by glorifying bearers of 17A1s or 21A1s or whatever (no offense to you guys). No one tells you that you need to have, oh, integrity, or the ability to converse like a socially well-adjusted human being in a professional setting, or the ability to think out of the box, or teamwork ability (I hate that word by the way- teamwork. Shudder.), or initiative or creativity or things like that.

Sure, maybe we should all be more independent-minded, don’t blame the system, etc etc but at 17-19 years old hardly any of us even have a genuine ambition, let alone think independently.

This mentality of ‘self-entitlement’, as they call it, is a result of an education system that consistently and persistently extols and rewards paper qualifications. It would be hypocritical if this boy were to be chastised by the government when he, and many others, are only responding to the incentives they set in the first place!

So can you really blame him? Granted, his actions are extreme to say the least…but really, in any case, you bandwagon of crazy commentators…we have more important things at hand to grapple with. Things that actually matter.

Working towards a more objective and transparent scholarship selection process, for example (controversial?). Or even better but more of a long shot – working towards an education system that actually develops young people as complete human beings instead of revision-book-and-past-year-paper-crunching, overly-competitive scholarship junkies.

Therefore, I knew everything, except  - how I would feel when my turn actually came.

So the Wednesday before last I got my chance to find out. For the longest time, I settled with ‘Words cannot describe the feeling’. I was aware that there was a hugely conflicted emotion there – half was it was pure unadulterated joy at being able to sing at my own graduation (which, by the way, is beyond special, and is highly recommended!). The other half was cast in shadow – a kind of doubtful, disturbing undercurrent I couldn’t explain.

At first I thought it was simply my being sad about having to leave the UK, because I was to leave so many things I love behind. The music. The people I’ve met. The nuances in culture that I’ve gotten used to and am quite fond of, like the you alrights and the pleases and thank yous and Christmas roasts. The ever-ready supply of quaint little vintage trinkets. The overwhelmingly impressive range of online retail ( ). Cream tea. Oh, all the little things you can imagine, really.

Today it struck me what that troubling little undercurrent was, and I think I can finally articulate why I’m so reluctant to let go.

As a university student you get some special privileges with regard to the way you lead your life.

One. Independence, but with room for error. You are left to your own devices – but it is still mildly acceptable to run into trouble every once in a while. It is okay to be whining about being broke. It is okay to sleep in and be late for things. It is okay to be immature and drunk (within limits…haha). You can make mistakes without worrying about the consequences (again, within limits) because you know you still have that one last chance to wipe that slate clean and start anew, i.e. when you graduate and move on with life.

Two. Freedom, but with the safety net of a ready-made daily routine and a standard list of short-term goals.  There is a comfort in having a timetable laid out for you to follow, and in knowing that being a student means you are generally only expected to figure out your grades and your career within the next three years. There is no responsibility, no need to plan your own life. You aren’t forced to sit down and deal with all the hard questions like what you want in life or what kind of person you are or are you a success or a failure because everybody accepts that university is only a transitory, not a definitive phase of life.

But once graduation passes over, once you become a working adult – you run out of chances. Life becomes a one-shot game. You have all the independence and freedom now, but at a cost – you actually need to know how to manage it.

University was only a dip in the shallow end. You could at anytime stick your head over the surface and gasp for air if you feel like you are about to drown. Life however throws you right into the deep end; and you are expected to know how to swim.

And it is the fear of not being able to swim that scares me.

So now I know. The ironic thing about this, funnily enough, is that I actually cannot swim in the literal sense. Haha.

But well.

The sun has set. The boat has sailed. Time to move on, grow up, and most of all – be brave.

All too often we settle for far less than the fullness of the Lord’s intended purpose for us in any given service or even moment in His timing. For there is always more than we see, hear, or know, that He desires to accomplish. Yet too frequently we stop with just a taste and have seemingly lost our thirst and hunger for the more of His Fullness. This is a true story of such a time.

Saturday evening as I went to bed, I sensed the Lord Jesus stirring up within my spirit this word out of Galatians 4:19, “My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you,” (NKJV).  I pondered and reflected upon this off and on throughout the night time as the Lord brought it to my remembrance, beginning to grow a fresh expectancy of His moving prophetically within and through my life.

Then as we entered the service, praise and worship beginning, I was immediately caught up in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. As the Lord drew me unto Himself my eyes were opened to see things in the Spirit of the Lord concerning His desire for those present in the service.

First there was a picture of very large words dropping into the sanctuary. They were negative lies of the enemy that had a powerful hold upon those present. They were words that tore down the hearts and self images of those present, keeping them from moving ever forward into the fullness of the Lord Jesus Christ, of His becoming fully formed in them and thus revealed through them. Words like: you’re stupid, dump, will never amount to anything, an idiot, hopeless, etc. etc. and that held dominion over their hearts and minds. They were words that these individuals had been bombarded with for years and years, rendering captive those who had heard them over and over until in time they came to genuinely believe them as true.  They were NOT words of the Lord Jesus Christ, nor of the Holy Word of God, nor of the Truth of who they are in the Lord Jesus Christ, as His children of the Lord. No!

It was and is the Lord’s desire to break loose the hold of these lies upon His people, in Spirit and in Truth.

This was only one of the prophetic revelations the Lord was giving me throughout the Praise, Worship and Word times of the service, for the church as a whole and for those specifically that He was revealing to me as well.

There were Words of Cleansing, Refreshing and Renewing, of Fresh outpourings and revelations of the Water of the Word, in the Lord Jesus Christ and its sanctifying work within and through them.

There were the Words which spoke of a cutting away, by the powerful workings of the sword of the Spirit, of the living and alive Word of God, a cutting away of the old dressings of the Flesh, of the old abiding coverings of who we were before the Lord Jesus Christ and a being redressed in the Righteousness, Holiness and Truth of the Lord Jesus Christ; a being re-clothed or adorned in the revelation Truth of who we truly are in the Lord Jesus Christ and who He is in us and would be through us, today.

There were the Words of Grace that spoke of a death to ourselves so complete that we seemed to no longer exist. This was followed up with a rising up of the powerful resurrection life and witness of the Lord Jesus Christ, in and through those whom the Lord’s Word had killed and destroyed. This rising came into and through some quickly, while with others it came ever so slowly, at first, and then exploded in growth beyond those who had rose up at first. There were also those who seemed to not rise up at all. It seemed as though they wouldn’t ever rise up, yet, eventually, they also began to arise, be it ever so slowly and gradually but arriving with a strength and power of the Lord Jesus Christ that exceeded even those who had risen much earlier. However, all whom the Word of the Lord had Killed, arose unto and into the fruitfulness of the Holy Spirit that the Lord God had intended for each of them.

Yes, I saw and heard all of this in the manifest presence of the Lord Jesus Christ and more. I pondered, waiting upon the Lord Jesus Christ for an opportunity and the wisdom of what, when, where, and how, to do with all of these images and words of His Life, Promise and Hope for His people.

Latter in this same service, the Pastor had preached concerning the need for our self images to be changed. To be changed into the image of How the Lord Jesus Christ sees us now and no longer how we see ourselves or even how others have seen us before or even now see us. So much of what He preached on was confirmed in what the Lord Jesus was and had revealed to me in the midst of praise and worship. Yes, what the Lord Jesus had shared with me had truly confirmed the Word of the Lord as brought through the Pastor this same morning. Yet, I was never released nor given any opportunity to bring forth the Prophetic Words and Images of the Lord Jesus Christ to and for this Body of Believers.

So what happened you might ask? Well, a soul came into the Kingdom of God this morning during the altar call. Praise the Lord! Others went forward for prayer, wonderfully. Yet, there was no time or place given or readiness to wait upon the Lord Jesus Christ and His confirming witnesses to the spoken Word. There is always more than we see, hear or even know, that the Lord would desire to accomplish within the hearts and lives of His people. However, when the time, order of the service, our agenda, and the fear of man, are more important, then we will always settle for much less than the Lord desires to accomplish. I have seen this in so many churches, over and over again and it deeply grieves me.

Therefore, all that I had seen and heard I kept within my heart and Spirit, for there was truly no opportunity or release to do anything else but keep these things near.

As we began to leave the service, the Lord Jesus was still not finished and thus gave me a Word of expectancy for the Pastor of the Church, but again, there was no opportunity to give it. He was just too busy. So, we finally left and went to have lunch. I truly left with a very heavy heart and deeply grieved within. Those with me knew that I had something on my heart to share with the Pastor but I had withheld what I had heard and seen until later, sharing only a part of it with them even as I have with you.

I am sure there are those who may wonder why I had so obviously withheld that which the Lord Jesus Christ had so powerfully given me.  However, as I said previously, there was no real opportunity, place or release in the Lord Jesus Christ to give these words and images, to this Body of Christ Jesus there, nor unto the individuals either.

I find it interesting that I have been released to write of these things only now, in this way, as the clear Word of the Lord Jesus Christ. For I am convinced that what the Lord Jesus Christ would have said and ministered to within and unto this local expression of the Lord Jesus Christ, He desires to speak, reveal, and accomplish, throughout the larger Body of the Lord Jesus Christ. I take some comfort in this.

Also, they are the Lord’s Words, not mine. That church was not within my Field of Ministry, Authority and Influence. Therefore, unless or until the Lord provides opportunity, His opportunity, in His timing and process, I will patiently wait to speak forth these words and visions of the Lord Jesus Christ, for that Body and those within it or any others, if even I am ever to do so.

I wonder just how many churches have no room for the moving of the Lord Jesus Christ and the more that He would accomplish in their midst through His confirming the truth of His Word. I wonder how many more churches wherein the word brought forth is not His word at all, but only that which someone has pounded together through the discipline of their study, knowledge and understanding. Good in content, maybe, but in truth, empty of His life manifest and surely without the confirming witness of His signs and wonders.

It has been my experience over the years, that there are too many churches like this. Their programs, order of service, schedules, and the fear of man, have left no room for the Lord’s effectual ministry within and unto His people. Thus, the power of the gospel and its light dims ever so much more in these and so many other churches, needlessly, as the years pass by. This serves only to leave their people robbed, plundered and stripped of that which their spirits and hearts so deeply thirst, hunger and cry out for. Leaving them spiritually hungry, thirsty and desperately barren of Life; His Spirit Life Manifest; all of which, we all, if we are genuinely born again, so desperately and earnestly need. For in truth, we are men and women of the Spirit, the Spirit of the Living Lord Jesus Christ.

Lately I’ve been feeling rather contemplative. I am suddenly acutely aware of the fact that I am now a 21 year old going on 22, on the verge of wrapping up 2 decades of formal education and embarking on the rest of my life.

That is a very intimidating thought.

What’s worse is that it cannot help running and re-running through my head, especially because it is the easiest subject to converse about when I run into fellow finalists. A typical conversation would go like this:

“Heeeyyy! I haven’t seen you in ages. How are you?”

“I’m great, I’m great! And you?”

“Good, good!” *awkward pause*

“Wow, I can’t believe we are graduating so soon! We’re actually growing up! Oh, and you’re going home aren’t you? Oh no…” etc. etc. etc.

So imagine many, many repetitions of that, with slight variations. They tend to become slightly mechanical after a while, so much so that the ability to genuinely talk about any other subject becomes the distinguishing factor that separates friends from mere acquaintances.

But, as mechanical as they are, every repetition still pinches ever so lightly, because much as I prefer not to dwell on it, it is the truth. It is like how cliches become cliches only because they are generally the truth.

So I got to thinking about things like -What kind of person am I? How different am I from three years, five years, 10 years ago? How far have I come? How have I grown as a person? Am I more responsible, more mature? Am I a good person? What have I achieved? Am I a successful person? Do people see me as a good/successful/mature/exemplary specimen of a human being (slight exaggeration)? Do I really care what people think? Does it not matter as long as I know what I am doing and what I want?…

…What do I want?

That’s a tough one.

My mind draws a blank. It wanders briefly to the book ‘The Purpose-Driven Life’, albeit in different context (i.e. nothing to do with religion). It continues on to Aristotle, about how maybe we all ultimately want to be happy.

Happy? Sure. But if I don’t even know exactly what I want to do with my life, how can I even start to think about wanting to be happy? I.e. you can’t be happy if you don’t know what makes you happy!

Back to the subject at hand.

What do I want?

I guess I always knew this moment would come, so I’ve been doing some vague soul-searching all (academic) year long. Fortunately, third year provided quite a bit of food for thought, as I’ve been dabbling (or made to dabble) in quite a diverse load of crap, and much of it also happened to be pretty relevant. So with each new venture, I made myself think about whether I liked it and whether I would want to be doing this in the future.

Prior to term 1 I did a month plus of volunteering at a school for kids with learning disabilities in Malaysia and then a week-ish of learning experience in Wigmore Hall in London. At the end of this I got the grand idea that this might be my calling; perhaps music therapy was something I could do? While at Wigmore Hall, a report I read on a music workshop they conducted with some senior citizens with dementia kind of evoked pretty powerful emotions, and recalling that I’ve always had a soft spot for the really young and the elderly (I can never watch scenes in movies where children or old people get hurt; as a child I watched an old man pass away on TV and I cried myself to sleep), it seemed right. Sort of.

In Term 1 I was tragically broke, so I became a gallery and performance steward at the Warwick Arts Centre. I don’t deny my motivation was to fill my pockets (one needs to shop… uh eat!), but I did observe many interesting little moments along the way, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. In the heat of the experience, I thought, hey, maybe I could contribute to the music scene in Malaysia – start a concert hall (don’t laugh), conduct workshops, provide a venue and avenue for the exploration of classical music… (don’t scoff!!). Maybe?

In Term 2, in line with my ‘noble newfound passions’ I started volunteering at the Tiverton school. Term 2 was also presentation term, so I invested copious amounts of effort into researching stuff about the financial crisis and risk management and policies to prevent a repeat of the credit crunch. The very relevant nature of the presentation topic brought me back down to earth, to my real-life, actual pre-determined career plans for the next 6 years – serving my bond at Malaysia’s central bank. Again I drew conclusions about what I liked and didn’t liked. I figured I would enjoy policymaking, so I made a decision about what department I intended to join.

At that point, I felt satisfied that at least I knew what I enjoyed and what I didn’t and had perhaps an inkling of what direction I might want to take in the next few years.

Then Term 3 came calling, and I lost myself in my books and revision…what followed was weeks of relentless slogging, I forgot about all my little secret goals and ambitions. Exams. Revisions. Formulae. Essays. Ethical theories. Tax rates. Accounting procedures. Blah. All that kept me occupied, and I kept going, going, going, going…

…screeeeech. Step on the brakes! All that has ended, and I came to another pitstop.

And I started contemplating and questioning myself again.

What do I want? Do I still want the things I thought I wanted? Was I wrong? Am I being ridiculous or idealistic or self-righteous or shallow or stupid?

How do I know for sure, anyway? Is there some sort of signal? Is my heart supposed to feel a special tug in any direction? Am I supposed to just know what I want??

Of course, if I were a dutiful Christian I would pray for a signal from the all-powerful, omnipresent celestial being that resides somewhere up there. But I am not, so I have no idea what I am supposed to rely on in this state of limbo and uncertainty.

So because all these things have been playing in my mind, I have been constantly bringing it up with close friends over the past week.

One reminded me that perhaps it is not so important to know exactly what you want. Maybe it is easy to envy people who do and know exactly what to do to achieve it, people who have already achieved it and are sitting happily in their high-flying, well-deserved seats and watching the rest of us pitifully moan about growing up and our non-existent goals in life. But it doesn’t mean that we won’t go as far in life. It doesn’t mean that we won’t be happy.

As another reminded me: we have time.

There is no necessity to have the rest of our lives mapped out at this point.

Knowing what you want is not the single most important thing that one must take away from a university education. It is a good thing, obviously, but even ambitions can be transient, right? They change. Or you might even find that you have made a mistake later on in life.

Knowing what you want might make you feel more complete as a graduate, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are a complete person. And likewise not knowing what you want doesn’t make you an incomplete person. It doesn’t make you any less ready to face the world and adulthood.

If one were in a movie, one might typically continue by saying…”instead, all that comes from knowing who you are inside” *gesture to the heart*, but come on, even that is, ahem, bollocks (paying a bit of homage to the country that gave me the best 3 years of my life here). You can never know exactly what you are.

In retrospect, if there is one thing university has taught me -

You are always more than what you think you are.

You can always do more than what you think you can do.

You can never stop discovering new things to learn, new roads to go down, new passions to immerse yourself in, new things you want in life.

So if you are uncertain about your goals, don’t be afraid.

Just keep looking. And remember, you have to be always, always open enough to see something and be ready to give it a shot, and then be brave enough to self-evaluate and face your weaknesses and kick the shit out of it.

And at the end of it all, you will see how far you’ve come.

P.s. Okay, I lied, so technically that was more than one thing, but it sounds more dramatic starting with ‘if there is one thing…’ (:

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