REPOST

In 2005, Jamie Leigh Jones was working for a private contractor in Iraq when she was brutally gang-raped by coworkers. Four years later, Jamie is still being denied justice.

Jamie can’t file U.S. criminal charges because the rape took place overseas, and a fine-print clause in her contract takes away her right to file a lawsuit in the U.S.

Congress is working to protect the rights of rape victims like Jamie. But, shockingly, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce is fighting it. They say that it would “set a dangerous precedent” to allow rape victims into court.

I signed a petition urging the Chamber of Commerce to stop protecting rapists.

Can you join me at the link below?

http://pol.moveon.org/chamber/rape/?r_by=17971-9640874-Z1tlNCx&rc=confemail

Thanks!

I think it is time to make one, this time for DSP.  Purple.  It probably needs sparkles too, considering that the kid already wants to wear her mom’s high heels and can’t even say high heels yet. 

Or maybe the purple is just because I have a recent obsession with the color.  All things are possible.

http://www.buffalonews.com/home/story/880990.html

Here are the email addresses of the seven NY Democrats who voted against marriage equality for NYers. Please repost this in your status. addabbo@senate.state.ny.us, kruger@senate.state.ny.us, diaz@senate.state.ny.us, shuntley@senate.state.ny.us, monserra@senate.state.ny.us, onorato@senate.state.ny.us, stachows@senate.state.ny.us

From rPulse.com:

Meredith Baxter said, “To come out and disclose stuff is very antithetical to who I am.” I sure hope you’re proud of yourself Mario.

Every gay person believes it is their own choice and decision about coming out.

Every gay person except Mario Lavandeira aka Perez Hilton who claims he is gay, and yet he lacks compassion for other gays who he publicly bashes into coming out.

Meredith Baxter, who starred on the successful television series “Family Ties” became Mario’s target on Tuesday of this week when he posted photos of Meredith with her girlfriend Nancy.

This is nothing new for Mario, he forced Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass to out themselves as well.

nd now Meredith was forced to publicly announced her sexuality because the rag-gossip media cannot be controlled, yet.

“I am a lesbian and it was a later-in-life recognition,” she told Matt Lauer on TODAY.  “Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is – not at all.  This has only been for the past seven years.”

Meredith who is 62, was not ready to do this, and yet was forced because of the public tabloid chatter.   “I’ve always lived a very private life,” said the actress, who’s never even had a publicist.

“I did not want some tabloid to take the story and make it up — I wanted it to be in my own words,” she told Lauer.

Meredith has now had to explain her relationship with men, which says was complicated and took her decades to understand why.

In 1966 she married her first husband, Robert Lewis Bush, and they divorced five years later; she married her second husband David Birney in 1974, and they divorced in 1989; she married her third husband, Michael Blodgett, in 1995, and they divorced in 2000.

She explained that she deliberately chose to be with men with whom she clashed, so that she could blame them for the end of the relationship.“It never occurred to me to think, oh, [the problem is] me,”she said.

Then, seven years ago, she had a relationship with a woman and concluded that she was homosexual.  Suddenly, things seemed to make sense.

“I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening,” she said. “I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.”

Meredith has been with her girlfriend, Nancy, a contractor who she met through mutual friends, for the past four years.  Because Nancy is openly lesbian, their relationship has not been kept a closely guarded secret.

“I had to reach a level of comfort because it wasn’t fair to push her back into secrecy,” she said. “We live very out lives in Los Angeles.”

When “Family Ties” ended, Meredith went on to direct and star in several TV movies, winning a daytime Emmy award in 1993 for portraying a lesbian mom in the CBS School Break Special, “Other Mothers.”

These days, she’s taken on a few roles, including promoting her skin care line,Meredith Baxter Simple Works.

She is also a public speaker and advocate, traveling the country discussing her personal battles with breast cancer and alcoholism.

Now that she is coming out, she also sees herself as an advocate for gay rights.

“This is a political act, even though that’s not what it feels like to me,” she said. “If anyone knows someone who’s gay or lesbian … they’re less likely to vote against them to take away their rights. I can be that lesbian you know now…”

I wanted to see her treasures in a close up. I gently pulled her panties down her legs. Since I wanted the thighs to be spread fully I had to remove the panties through the heel of her legs….. and I spread her thighs a bit more. Mala tried to once again cross her legs and when I pulled them apart strongly she covered patch with her hands.

I roughly pried her hands away and observed.

Her pubic hair was thick and luxuriant and smelt strongly of soap and a kind of a wet humid heat. I parted her hair and watched her slit. It was black but when I parted the thin folds of her vagina I could make out the wet pink. I looked up and noticed that Mala had shut her eyes firmly and was still covering her face with her hands.

I moved on top and kissed her on the lips. She moved her face away till I held it firmly and kissed hard putting my tongue inside. But my other hand was free and searching for purchase in her bushy patch.

With some difficulty I managed to make a nice head to slit position. This time when she tried to cross her legs I was ready with my knee which simply pushed it firmly.

Then I wondered whether I should do this slowly or finish it fast. Slow would mean lots of energy. I was already a bit tired in getting to this position.

Mala was a strong woman and it had taken all my energy to ensure her legs were spread and her blouse open. Just pulling her hands away from her bosom was a difficult job. No sooner than I had settled to suck her nipples she tried to move away.

I could sense the wet feeling at the tip of my cock. I decided a quick entry and exit strategy would do the trick. I remained like that and started whispering to her about how she was my love. She liked that a bit and relaxed. I raised her hands and put them above her head.

I continued to kiss her and she relaxed a bit more and as I fondled her breasts and sucked her nipples she even half opened her eyes to the situation. A lot less shy. I had not removed all her dress.

Her blouse was opened up fully but not removed from her hand sleeves completely. While her sari had been spread across the bed and she lay on it in her inner skirt it was not fully undressed.

Even her inner skirt was not removed. I had merely bunched it around her waist exposing her thigh. Of course her panty was lying on the floor.

I then told her, “Mala didi, I will not do anything….let us not do it fully”

She relaxed, “Can I get up?’ she wanted to get up and cover herself. I held her on the bed,
“Wait, just a few more minutes” She lay there expectantly more cautious and curious than excited.

In real life a virgin girl is never sloppy wet to take gigantic cocks and scream in excitement. The first few times is always filled with doubts and virgins are filled with a trepidation of what to expect.

I continued kissing and fondling her breasts and once in a while rubbed her cunt with the head of my cock. Soon I found a nestling place at the entrance of her cunt and tried to gently press the head. She sense something and tried to push me. But I had conserved my energy.

Her hands were up above her head and could not come down. Her legs were spread and prevented from closing by the placement of my knee and my entire top body was lying on her. She could not get up. I hushed her. She kept quiet and I continued kissing. Suddenly at the count of five I thrust into her. She tried to get up but I held her hard. With a sensual pop I was inside her.

She was tight and then tried to struggle. I held her hard and the more she struggled the more purchase I had to enter her.

Then she stopped struggling and I realized I was inside her. I stopped and felt the moment. It felt nice and tight. I went back to kissing and fondling her breast and nipples.

She gritted her teeth and noticed tears at the end of her eyes. I felt a further tightness inside her and again pushed hard.

Suddenly, her cunt could take me fully and I realized I had just gone through her maidenhead. She gasped and said, “Saheb take it out…it is paining”

I kissed her and licked her tears and gently started moving on top of her. She gripped my arm and I winced. She was a strong one after all. I quickly rode her fast and I was too excited to hold and just ejaculated deep inside her. I rolled off her tired and saw from the corner of my eyes she was tired too.

She lay like that for a few minutes before gathering her blouse and sari. She sat down on the floor at the side of the bed and put her head down. She was sobbing.

I sat up and watched her, “Mala didi….didi….”

She did not respond and kept sobbing.

I watched….it was after all the first time….i would make up for this….my black beauty was mine forever….i lit a cigarette and watched….in love…in lust…

Mala was still a coal mine and i had just dug a sweet ditch…while the whole field lay there unexplored… (CCN, 2009)

I kept staring at her, “You are the only didi I have “

She sighed, “ You call me didi but you do all this…”

“What “ I asked

“This…” she waved her hand as if a wave of her hand would explain what I did.

I stood silently while she left.

The next one week went on well. I was busy playing cricket with the local boys and did not go to the road leading to Mala’s vegetable cart.

Then one fine Sunday morning when I opened the door for the morning newspaper, Mala stood there with a basket in her hand. I asked her to come inside.

“I bought some fish for you” she said shyly.

“I don’t know how to cook fish” I said.

She brushed a strand of hair around her ears and said, “ I can make nice fish fry”

I thanked her and pointed to the kitchen, “Go ahead”. I went and sat on the sofa reading the newspaper. After a while she stood before me with a cup of tea. I accepted it. I noticed she was wearing a freshly washed sari and had also combed her hair neatly. I accepted the tea and read the newspaper all the while hearing the sound of cooking in the kitchen.

After reading the daily paper with great difficulty(it is difficult to read NEWS with a raging hard cock waiting to burst out) I stepped out to my grandmom’s garden and picked a big rose flower. I walked into the kitchen with the flower. Mala turned around saw me and went back to staring at the burning gas stove. I walked up behind her and inserted the big red rose in her hair. She touched the rose with a brush of her hand and bent her head down shyly.

I hugged her. This time she did not move away. She just stood even when I pressed my hard crotch against her buttocks. I snaked my hand around her and it lay on the flat of her stomach. I then kissed the nape of her neck. She stood still not moving. I smelled the henna in her hair. She had had a bath and the smell of cheap Lifebuoy soap on her was intoxicating.

I gently pushed her forward to the kitchen platform and gave her a long lick on the top of her back. She coyly lifted her head “what are you doing” she said lamely. I turned her around and kissed her on the lips. She gave me a peck in return but my mouth stayed on her lips as I inserted my tongue inside her mouth. She tasted different, an after taste of tea and fresh mint toothpaste.

All the time her eyes were looking down. I lifted her chin and made her stare at me.

“I am supposed to be your didi and you are doing all this” she said pushing me away. “Allow me to cook or the masala will be overdone” I left the kitchen and had a bath which cooled me down a bit. Which helped. Wearing just a boxer shorts and nothing at all I came out to the hall. Mala was arranging the dishes on the table. I am built well and on the leaner side. She took a fleeting glance at my chest and looked away embarrassed before going back to the kitchen.

I smiled to myself and walked into the kitchen. I hugged her once again my hand on her stomach. She whispered shyly, “Are you not hungry. The fish is ready”. I did not answer her and moved my hand up. For the first time my hands were on her breasts. She gasped at the touch. Her breasts were small and firm. I could feel the nipples under her blouse since she was not wearing a bra. Obviously she could not afford one. I gently squeezed them and could feel her nipples harden a bit. My fingers were on her blouse hooks and I eased the hooks out. When I slipped my hand inside her open blouse she raised her hands in an attempt to prevent me. I brushed her hand aside and cupped her bare breasts in my hand. They were a bit rubbery and when I touched her nipples I realized she had small nipples.

I made her turn around. She hid her face with her open palms but I could see the open blouse and her breasts. Her breasts were round and shapely and they hung like ripe apples against the flatness of her stomach. Her navel was shapely too. If she had been born in New York she would have been a black lingerie model.

Mala raised her hand and covered her breasts.

The apt thing to do when you are nearing the goal with a woman is to be romantic.

“Didi, I don’t know why I feel this. I don’t know why I am always thinking about you. It is bad. During nights I am finding it difficult to sleep and you know I am leaking also….”

She stared with a question, “Leaking?…what is leaking?”

“If a man does not leak from his thing…it comes out on its own and it is harmful. I may get cancer”

She looked, “Cancer. The bimari that Shah rukh khan died in the picture”

“Haan”

She looked worried.

“If Preity Zinta had agreed to do what he wanted to do he would have lived”

Mala wondered.

“I know what to do. Don’t worry it will not pain”

Mala looked down with an expression which was mixture of curiosity and caution.

I held her tight and kissed her once again. This time I did not stop. I moved down and rested in front of her bosom. I put my mouth on her nipples and she gasped. Now let me tell you how her nipples were.

Nipples are veritably Gods favourite dessert on the glorious platter of the bountiful woman. There are different kinds of them from the pointed, button, curled, wrinkled, grotesquely large, reddish-ready-to-leak and finally small to medium. Mala’s fell in the last category.

Her nipples were small and blacker than the blacks of her breasts. You could make out the outline of her nipples on her breasts very faintly. They were a bit small to take in the between your nipple for a deep pulling suck. I tried that and was not successful. Her breasts were too firm and rubbery to allow any purchase.

I had to be contented in nibbling. So there I was.

Mala the beautifully black vegetable vendor sitting on the bed in front of me. Her cotton sari fallen to her right. Her blouse opened in front and her bare breasts in front of me. She had closed her eyes in shyness and I held her hands on her side preventing her from closing her glorious breasts.

I went back to work on the nipples. After a few luscious licks I could sense her nipples hardening and she started squirming.
I gently pushed her on the bed and she curled up her head down, eyes firmly shut in embarrassment. I lay beside and hugged her from the back, my hard cock firmly pushed against her buttocks. She tried to move but I held her firmly.

She lay still while I fondled her breasts and I pushed her blouse up and licked her charcoal black back. My hands were already trailing down to her thighs and I slowly pulled her sari up. When I did that her hand tried to prevent me from doing that.

I stopped. I was angry.

I sat up on the bed. She sensed my anger and looked up. “Saheb are you angry?’

I nodded. She sat beside me. “Pl don’t be angry saheb. See I am afraid. I don’t know all this chakkar. I have never let any man touch me…”

I looked at her, “Will you do as I tell you or I will not speak to you’

She started sobbing.

I gently pushed her back on the bed and put my hand under her thighs, between her legs. I came up to her panties. I pushed it aside and touched her cunt for the first time. She put her hands on her face and was still crying while I was busy exploring her. This time I bend down and sucked her nipples while touching her cunt.

Her cunt was bushy with hair and but my fingers managed to touch her slit. She gasped and tried to cross her legs. But I had managed to get in between with my shorts open and my cock standing rigidly waiting for the real action to begin…. (CCN, 2009)

One day while I was cycling around the corner during a late evening I saw the dark vegetable vendor arguing with a Cop on a motorbike. As I neared the cart I could see that she was shaking her head and crying while the cop waved a warning finger. I stopped near the vegetable cart as the cop grandly drove away on his motorbike.

The woman looked up at me and asked me what I wanted.

I bought a kg of tomato and while giving her the money asked her “ didi why are you crying?’. Maybe it was the moment or the small act of kindness during a difficult time or the fact that I had called her didi, made her look up and smile at me. “What to do beta… one has to face all sorts of problems in life”

I asked, “What did the police want?”

She had wiped her tears with the help of her pallu and said, “What do they want beta…what do all men want…they all harass for money”

“How much does he want?”

She looked at me with a worried look, “ He wants 500. where will I go for that kind of money. I survive day to day basis. Nowadays it is difficult. I have to bring this vegetable from whole sale market in central bazaar. Yesterday I had to carry them in the hot sun because there was no tempo from the circle” She got back to arranging the vegetables murmuring her problems to herself.

I said, “ I will give you 500”

Her hand stopped over the brinjals and she looked up her face a mixture of surprise, relief and suspicion if there were a combination like that on a face at all.

“Why”
“What …Why didi?”
“Why are you giving it to me”

I solemnly said, ‘My mother always told me to help people in trouble.”

She wondered about it for a moment. When she saw me she say an earnest boy(well not exactly a kid, my 18th birthday was a week around the corner) on a cycle wearing nice dress and a honest face.

“Where do you live?”

I told her.
‘That big house near the shops, That is your house” Her suspicion was pronounced. I nodded. She stared for a minute and asked, “Will your mother buy my vegetables?” she asked.
I shook my head, “My mother and father is dead, I am an orphan. My grandmom takes care of me”

She softened and put her hand on her cheek wondering about this boy. I noticed her hand was smooth and clean and so was her cheek. In fact, her face had chiseled features and her skin was black, smooth and shiny. She was slim and shapely but wore her sari close not revealing much. But once I had seen her bend down to arrange the vegetables and I had seen her cleavage. The swell of her breasts were visible above her blouse. But in a reflex reaction she had pulled her pallu across covering the fabulous view.

“I do all the shopping in the house” I proclaimed. She smiled. “You are such a good boy” she said.

I took out the 500 and gave her. She took hesitantly and said, “I will pay you back through purchases of vegetables ok. My name is Mala”she said

I nodded.

,,,

So the days went on. In about a week Mala came regularly home for vegetables. I timed her arrival with that of my Grandmom going to the temple. Every day she used to keep the basket of vegetables on the doorstep and give the freshest picks. I started chatting.

I think Mala was a lonely person and liked to chat. So she did.

She was a kid when she came to the city from her village. She had come with her uncle and aunt since her parents had died of hunger. Her stay with her aunt was not very memorable. Her aunt made her work in a laundry washing clothes.

“It was backbreaking. As a young girl I used to work for 15 hours a day”. But after sometime she felt she had to run away. She did not like her Uncle. “He wanted to sell me in the Koti Bazaar. You know what that place is? It is bad. So I ran away and joined a tendu leaf factory. I worked there for many years. I used to hear many stories of molestation. But I escaped from there. Now I live in a shack in a slum with my mother’s sister. She is old and I take care of her. There were a few marriage offers but I don’t have dowry money. So I am 23 years old and already a old woman. No one troubles me. I am black and ugly so no one bothers”

“I don’t think you are ugly” I said

She looked at me her mouth open and laughed. Her teeth were clean and white. “oh you are joking saheb”

I kept quiet.

The next two days I used to pass her but not look at her. The third day she called me, “Saheb saheb…” I did not turn back.

After a couple of days she came to my house as usual and plonked the vegetable basket, “Saheb why are you angry with me?”
I said, “You laughed at me…made fun at me”
She looked aghast, “Why when…”

“When I told you…you are not ugly”

She looked at me with her hand on her cheek .That was a favourite stance. She then squatted on the floor.

“Saheb. Don’t be angry with me. You are like my brother. I don’t have anyone”

I remained silent.

“Sorry’ she said.

I nodded and got up. “Come inside for a coffee” I said and went in. I looked quickly at my watch. I had an hours time before my grandmom came in.

I went to the kitchen and made coffee. When I came back I saw Mala sitting in the verandah floor. She got up and took my cup and sipped. She looked at me, “I think I must have made lot of karma for getting a younger brother like person like you”

I sat on the floor and we had coffee. After finishing she got up. “I want to wash the cup” she said. I took it from her and leaned forward to kiss her cheek. She stepped back in a shock. “what is this?”

“Oh that is a brotherly kiss” I said. She blushed. Ok it looked like that. When black people blush you can make out in their eyes. But she was flustered and quickly gathered her basket and left.

The next two days were not that interesting. When I used to go past her vegetable cart she used to just give me a shy smile. I had to be contented with masturbating…with porn magazines and kerchiefs.

Then came the big opportunity. My grandmom decided to go to her native place in Bilaspur for a month. Initially she was worried. But I assured her that my cooking was decent enough for survival.

On the next day of her departure I stopped by the vegetable cart and said hi to Mala. She smiled shyly once again. She was getting uncomfortable with my long steady gazes into her eyes. I asked her whether she could cook for me since my grandmom had gone to her village for a family visit. Mala looked down not knowing what to do.

Since she did not reply I left from the place. I had some important work with Sarita aunty.

Next day morning the bell rang and I opened. Mala stood there. “I am not an expert cook but I can try…’ she said hesitatingly.

So I allowed her into the kitchen and briefed her. She started cooking while I sat on the stool in the kitchen and chatted with her. While she worked I noticed her body. She wore an old cotton sari and a faded blouse. Her legs were white around the corner of her foot. Most dark coloured women have a bit of white around the heel and sides of their foot. While she worked I also could make out her stomach and midriff. She had not an ounce of bulge there unlike Sarita aunty. Her stomach was literally flat and I even managed to glimpse her navel. Since her pallu carefully covered her breasts I could not make that out. She continued to chat about the vegetable business, all the time cutting the carrots on the kitchen platform into round circles.

I got up from the stool and put my hands around her. She jumped a bit. But when I held her tightly she stood still. I put my hands around her stomach and kissed the back of her neck. She murmured, “Saheb this is wrong…”

I kissed her below the nape of her neck and put my nose into her thick hair.

“My hair is dirty saheb. I have not even washed it. Please…”she whispered. Then suddenly she gripped my hand tightly and pushed me to the side. She gathered herself immediately and washed her hands and went to the door. She turned back,

“Saheb, that is why I did not like to come. I could see in your eyes. We are doing wrong. I am not married and you are also young. We are different people. I am a poor girl. All i have is my virginity. If i lose that what do i have…. and we should not do these bad things”.  (CCN, 2009)

How do you stop your heart from breaking?

Ok, I might be being a bit melodramatic.  Basically, I did what I said I would never do, and after some other revelations, the time was right to tell Mike how I have been feeling about him.  Because of certain things, I was almost positive that he would take it well, and I tried to explain it in the right way – basically that more than simple sexual chemistry (though there is some of that too!), there’s such a strong friendship bond and attraction there. I think he’s amazing and I admire him so much.  He’s probably not the best looking guy in the university, and he’s 11 years my senior, but he ticks all my boxes, if you like.

Of course, he took it maddeningly well and was really flattered, but also understood (he is a dream friend, and he’s coming to the tattoo parlour with me tomorrow).  He said that if he were available (i.e. not straight and not married), it would be me and him, and he also said that if he were available, chances are that I would not like him in the way that I do! I don’t know if that’s true – it’s all “if only”, and as much as my whole feelings for him are based on “if only” statements, there’s not much to be gained from pondering that overly much.  I understand why I look up to him so much – he’s got a loving wife and a beautiful little son, and he has common sense and decency as well as a fit body (he’s putting weight on but he carries it well).  I could go round and round in circles explaining how much he means to me, but basically whenever I’m not around him, I miss him and wish he was there. Although I don’t always feel it, I guess I’m quite an independent and capable person and sometimes that gets a little draining, and I know that he could look after me and keep me safe and it would be ok not to be 100% together around him all the time, because he understands me and he understands life.  On a very human level, we really do click.

There’s only so much I can say on the next bit, in the (extremely unlikely) event that the wrong person reads this, but Mike likes someone else more than he should.  And that someone else seems to like him a little bit too.  I could see it coming, and I’m not surprised.  Nothing is going to happen, because of marriages and families and love and loyalty, and I am 90% sure that nothing will happen.  After all, we said that these feelings will probably pass (although not quickly enough in my case) and it will all be fine – there’s no sense in ruining relationships both within the people on the course, and the families of those people.  But now my jealous streak is coming out, silly as it might be.  For two reasons: a) I saw Mike first, he’s my best friend and nobody else’s.  We connected first and we are the leadership couple (HBICs, if you like).  Nobody is coming between that.  But more importantly (this is the heartbreaking bit), b) even if I had a chance, in an alternate universe, I am not the one Mike would choose.  This isn’t news to me – he’s a straight married man.  But however much I already knew this, and however much he says “If I were gay / if you were a woman, you’re so gorgeous and amazing that I would be so into you and you would be so out of my league, you wouldn’t give me a second glance!”, it hurts me.  That now, I have this added role to make sure nothing inappropriate happens between them. Just in case the world tips on its axis and they can’t stop themselves (again, extremely unlikely), now I have to do it.  And all the time, I’m sitting here (and Mike now knows this is the case!) with my own feelings and heart and love (yeah I said it) and I have to be the rational one, all the time thinking “even if you were going to give into temptation, it wouldn’t be with me. Why can’t it be with me?!??” It’s simple sexuality, and there’s nothing I can do about it, but it breaks my heart that even in a million years, it would never happen for us.

Obviously, this makes things easier for me in the long run, because I’m not going to have to restrain myself that much because I know that it would never happen. (I have a feeling I’ve said that phrase quite a lot in this entry – I apologise!)  I’m single, a free agent, and I don’t have anything at stake.  But fuck the long run – this is me right now, and right now I am having these intense feelings and desires and although they’re totally inappropriate, I can’t help them and I can’t help the admiration that I feel, nor the fact that whenever we’re not together, I call out for him and my thoughts never stray from him.  I can’t stop being jealous of Mike and other person, because even if we are best friends, that is all we will be – never mind that that is all they will be too, and we are closer than the two of them anyway.  But why is that not enough?  Why is friendship never enough?  Why is my heart involved?  I wish I could put my heart in a box and stop it from falling apart.  I guess it makes me cherish just how strong and close our friendship is – I certainly appreciate the man he is, and that is why I admire him so much.  When I’m 35, if I have what he has, then I will consider my life a success (he’s not perfect, but he has accomplished a lot of what I seek to).  But what if I never find someone like him? I know I’m pondering what I said there’s no use in pondering, but I just wish things could be different.  I just wish that I could be rational and not have to deal with my heart pangs every time Mike flirts with someone other than me, even though it’s all harmless.  I wish he could hold me tight and promise he would never leave.  I wish a million futile things, and I don’t know what to do about it.

How do you stop your heart from breaking?

From Yahoo.com:

NEW YORK, New York — Former “Family Ties” star Meredith Baxter has revealed she is gay.

Meredith, who starred as Michael J. Fox’s mother on the hit ’80s television show, confirmed the news to Matt Lauer on Wednesday’s “Today.”

I guess I wanted to… say that I’m a lesbian,” Meredith revealed on the NBC morning program. “It was a later-in-life recognition of that fact.”

Meredith, 62, has been living life as a lesbian for seven years and confirmed to Matt that she has been involved in a relationship for four years with contractor Nancy Locke. But it was only after becoming involved with another woman that Meredith realized why her three marriages to men didn’t work out.

I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with and it was that kind of awakening and I never fought it because it was like, ‘Oh! I understand why I had the issues I had early in my life,’” Meredith said. “I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships… Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker, which I was indeed, but I also was involved with people who made me think, ‘Oh, they’re the problem,’ because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, ‘Oh, it’s me.’”

Meredith told Matt that sharing the news of her sexuality with her children, who range in age 25-42, was a lot easier than she expected.

The actress also revealed that her television family co-stars are aware she is gay.

“All my pals in ‘Family Ties’ know,” she said. “They all knew [when we had a reunion on 'Today' two years ago]. We all had dinners together and [TV husband], Michael Gross and his wife and Nancy and I go out, we’ve gone out many times. It’s all OK.”

Meredith said she and Nancy “live very out lives in Los Angeles” and the actress even went on a cruise with 1,200 lesbians not too long ago. But as for why she is speaking out now, Meredith said, in part, it was to share her story in her own words before a tabloid could put their spin on her life.

From: http://www.chinadaily.com

The idea was simple: Set up a bar to attract gay men and then use it to distribute information on AIDS/HIV prevention.

The media loved the idea – but all the attention kept the gay men away.

“They (gay men) refused to show up at the opening for fear of media exposure and potential discrimination,” said Zhang Jianbo, the bar’s founder and a local AIDS doctor in Dali, Yunnan province.

The bar, partially funded by the Dali Health Bureau in collaboration with two local anti-AIDS NGOs that Zhang heads, was meant to facilitate outreach efforts targeting groups facing a high HIV risk, particularly gay men.

Its opening was set for yesterday, World AIDS Day.

Zhang said intense media attention surprised him a lot.

“Had I known it, I would not have told the media,” he said.

Though there are gay bars in major cities in China, which experts estimate has 30 million homosexuals, including 20 million gay men, the one in Dali was dubbed “China’s first government-funded bar for AIDS control” and instantly got widespread media coverage.

“It’s understandable,” said Luke Zhao, executive editor of Beijing-based Gay Spot magazine. “Factors like government endorsement and support, gay men, HIV/AIDS, naturally made the gay bar so attractive to the press and the general public,” he told China Daily yesterday.

“As a long-term medical worker in HIV/AIDS prevention and control, I know how hard it is for us to reach these groups to promote self-protection messages like safe sex,” Zhang said.

He managed to establish contacts with more than 1,500 local gay men.

“To sustain and build more of that, I thought of opening a bar for regular get-togethers with them,” Zhang said.

“We could teach them about HIV/AIDS and how to protect themselves from it,” he said.

Now no one knows what will happen to a bar with no visitors or even a name.

“But it is at least a good signal that the government is beginning to pay attention to gay people as a vulnerable group facing HIV/AIDS and their health,” Zhao said.

The HIV/AIDS prevalence among gay men averages 6 percent in the country and same-sex transmission accounted for about one-third of new HIV infections last year, official tallies showed.

If we take a glance back a little over half a century ago and look at sexuality in relationships, things were a bit stale. One man to one woman equals a good sex life. Although, I’m sure positions varied, and I confident that there is always an exception to my previous assumption. Most partners sex lives were dull as compared to today’s standards.

With the reins of religion loosening, I believe that our society is in the midst of a sexual revolution. From its humble beginnings in the ’60’s, today it has come to a full blossom.

Now-a-days it is common for premarital sex, multiple partners, partners of the same gender, etc. These trends in sexuality are starting to become openly excepted in society. People are starting to learn that there is nothing wrong with experimenting with your sexuality. How else would you know what you like/want, if you don’t try it?

Many people have also found pleasure with adult toys either with their partner or alone. People who believe they are bi-sexual can have their partner pleasure them as either a male or female, whichever they prefer at the time of intercourse with certain toys on the market today.

With the advancements made in the medical field today, you can even change your sexuality. If you feel as though you were supposed to be male or female there are many options available to you that weren’t around in the 1950’s.

Many people are also becoming more sexually liberated through use of medication. Not only through the use of birth control, but now you can have sex into your later years with pills such as Viagra, etc.

With so many advancements in the field of sexual liberation, I believe our society has come along way from its humble beginnings. From this point, I believe things can only get better!

Brooke Skye was over at her hot friend Kat Young’s house hanging out. The two decided to go out and hit some clubs and have some fun. Brooke wanted to take a shower and clean up just in case she met someone to hook up with at the club. While she was in the shower Kat grabbed the camera and went into the bathroom where she caught Brooke shaving her tender pussy. Brooke worked that shaver to get her pussy nice and clean.

Then Kat opened up the shower door and watched as Brooke shaved her nice long legs. These two hot girls were having fun, singing, playing and being sexy. Brooke Skye looks amazing naked and wet.

CONTEMPORARY QUEER POETS
Grow this list – Proliferate! Redistribute!

I initially started this list as one for contemporary queer poets, but it has grown to include the living and the dead, the post-poet, the fiction and non-fiction, the bent, the bendable, and more. Thanks to all who’ve contributed so far! Please feel free to add names in the comments as we are growing, blooming, and busting the borders!

In no particular order, except as added:

Akilah Oliver +++ Tisa Bryant
Nathaniel Siegal+++ Ching-In Chin
Julian Brolaski +++ Cynthia Sailers
Kathryn Pringle+++ E. Tracy Grinnell
Tim Peterson +++ Jill Magi
Brenda Iijima +++ Stacy Szymaszek
Erica Kaufman +++ Truck Darling
R. Erica Doyle +++ Wayne Koestenbaum
Ana Bozicevic +++ Trish Salah
Robert Glück +++ Rachel Zolf
Cedar Sigo +++ Scott Rex Hightower
Jen Benka +++ Carol Mirakove
Caroline Bergvall +++ Eileen Myles
Marilyn Hacker+++ John Ashbery
Mark Doty +++ Timothy Liu
D. A. Powell +++ Kay Ryan
Reginald Shepherd+++ Mark Bibbins
Mark Wunderlich +++ Magdalena Zurawski
Julie R. Enszer +++ Merry Gangemi
Nicki Hastie +++ Gwyn McVay
Michelle Tea +++ Ben McCoy
Alex Dimitrov +++ Michael Tod Edgerton
C. Dale Young +++ Betsy Wheeler
Megan Volpert +++ Deborah Poe
Gabrielle Calvocoressi+++ Joy Harjo
Gloria Anzaldua+++ Elena Georgiou
Elise Ficarra +++ Paul Foster Johnson
Robin Reagler +++ Rachel Levitsky
Richard Siken +++ Kazim Ali
Micah Ballard +++ Jeffery Beam
Gregg Biglieri +++ Nicole Brossard
Regie Cabico +++ David Cameron
Guillermo Castro +++ Abigail Child
Allison Cobb +++ Jen Coleman
Kyle Conner +++ Dennis Cooper
Jim Cory +++ Phil Crippen
Del Ray Cross +++ Rachel Daley
Almitra David +++ Tim Dlugos
kari edwards +++ Maria Fama
Michael Farrell +++ Alex Gildzen
Guillermo Gómez-Peña
Alexandra Grilikhes+++ Chris Gullo
Jeremy Halinen +++ Rob Halpern
Julia Hastain +++ Yuri Hospodar
Kevin Killian +++ Dodie Bellamy
Bill Kushner +++ Lori Lubeski
Filip Marinovich +++ Janet Mason
Sina Queyras +++ Camille Roy
Jocelyn Saidenberg +++ Trish Salah
Jack Spicer +++ Christina Strong
Roberto Tejada +++ Karl Tierney
Jay Thomas +++ David Trinidad
Tony Towle +++ R. Dionysius Whiteurs
Eli Shipley +++ Kary Wayson
Carl Phillips +++ Jeremy Halinen
Betsey Warland+++ Jen Currin
Christine Leclerc +++ Charles Jensen
Carol Guess +++ Elizabeth Colen
Chocoalte Waters +++ Mary Oliver
Judith Witherow +++ Judy Grahn
Jan Clausen +++ Dorothy Allison
Robin Morgan +++ Willyce Kim
Frank Kelly +++ Kevin Wisher
Meredith Pond +++ Janet Mason
Fran Winant +++ Audre Lorde
Paula Gunn Allen +++ Allen Ginsberg
Walt Whitman +++ W.H. Auden
Frank O’Hara +++ Cyrus Cassells
Elizabeth Bradfield+++ Rafael Campo
Robin Becker +++ Truong Tran
William Burroughs+++ Carol Ann Duffy
Pat Parker +++ Elsa Gidlow
H.D. (Hilda Doolittle) +++ Amy Lowell
Elizabeth Bishop +++ Olga Broumas
Sapphire +++ Cheryl Clarke
Jewelle Gomez +++ Joan Larkin
Fran Winant +++ Minnie Bruce Pratt
Adrienne Rich +++ May Sarton
Muriel Rukeyser +++ Cherrie Moraga
Lesléa Newman +++ Mark Doty
Mark Wunderlich +++ D.A. Powell
Randall Mann +++ Peter Covino
Rigoberto Gonzalez +++ David Groff
C. Dale Young +++ Walter Holland
Eric Gamalinda +++ Michael Montlack
Charles Jensen +++ Gregg Shapiro
Stephen McLeod +++ Spencer Reece
Ron Mohring +++ Michael Broder
Richard Tayson +++ Dean Kostos
Aaron Smith +++ Ron Drummond
Guillermo Filice +++ Jon Nalley
Steven Covdova +++ Steven Turtel
Jason Scheiderman +++ Stephen Motika
T. Cole Rachel +++ Christopher Davis
Greg Hewett +++ David Casto
Billie Merrill +++ Alex Dimitrov
Wren Tuatha +++ Marge Piercy
Lawrence Schimel+++ Robin Kemp
Tee Corinne +++ Tory Dent
Elizabeth Bishop +++ Gertrude Stein
Muriel Rukeyser +++ Kay Murphy
Hart Crane +++ Harold Norse
James Schuyler +++ Robert Duncan
John Wieners +++ William Bronk
Stephen Jonas +++ Joseph Legaspi
Richard Howard +++ Renee Vivien
Natalie Barney +++ Stephanie Byrd
Nathalie Stephens +++ Ellen Marie Bissert
Karen Brodine +++ Maureen Seaton
Jane Miller +++ Olga Broumas
Elizabeth Bradfield +++ Samiya Bashir
Gerry Gomez Pearlberg
Judith Barrington +++ Eloise Klein Healy
James Merrill +++ Brent Goodman
Ben Grossberg +++ Darius Antwan Stewart
Franklin Abbot +++ Thom Gunn
Liz Ahl +++ Jonathan Alexander
Cynthia Rausch Allar +++ Shane Allison
Mark Ameen +++ Ken Anderson
Maggie Anderson +++ Hanna Andrews
Duncan Armstrong +++ Rane Arroyo
Geer Austin +++ Kim Baker
John Barton +++ Ellen Bass
Dan Bellm +++ David Bergman
Erin Bertram +++ Tamiko Beyer
Jonathan Bracker +++ Michael Broder
Dustin Brookshire +++ Regie Cabico
Guillermo Castro +++ Terry Kirts
Erigh Leigh +++ Tony Leuzzi
Justin Chin +++ James Cihlar
Ava Cipri +++ Larry Wayne Johns
Rodney Jack +++ CA Conrad
Christina Hutchins +++ Steven Cordova
Alfred Corn +++ Eduardo Corral
Brian Teare +++ James Crews
Holly Day +++ Jeff Mann
Dean Kostos +++ Andrew Demcak
Gavin Dillard +++ Patrick Donnelly
Octavio Gonzalez +++ Rudy Kikel
Ron Drummond +++ Jim Elledge
Steve Fellner +++ Edward Field
Edward Denby +++ Ron Schreiber
Federico Lorca +++ Matthew Hittinger
David Groff +++ Ruth Schwartz
Maureen Seaton +++ Michael Klein
Amanda Laughtland+++ Jill Jones
Michael Farrell +++ Collin Kelley
Cleo Creech +++ Theresa Davis
Turner Cassity +++ Alan Sullivan
Timothy Murphy +++ Jessica Hand
Alice Teeter +++ Maudelle Driskell
Julie Fay +++ Ed Madden
Assoto Saint +++ Reinaldo Arenas
Honor Moore +++ Melanie Braverman
Thomas Avena +++ Sam D’Allesandro
Essex Hemphill +++ Paul Monette
Severo Sarduy +++ Ian Stephens
Zaedryn Meade +++ Stacie Cassarino
gabrielle jesiolowski +++ Nancy Kathleeen Pearson
Cheryl Boyce Taylor +++ Ruth L. Schwartz
Achy Obejas +++ Tamiko Beyer
Sunshine Dempsey +++ Cheryl Burke
Laurie J. Hoskin +++ Kristin Naca
Samiya Baskin +++ Staceyann Chin
Niki Herd +++ Julie Porter
Juliet Patterson +++ Jeff Walt
Elaine Sexton +++ Ken Pobo
Richard Tayson +++ Michael Lassell
Greg Hewett +++ Adrian Oktenberg
Stacey Waite +++ Steven Riel
RJ Gibson +++ Jen Perrine
Boyer Rickel +++ William Reichard
Ann Tweedy +++ Ragan Fox
David Trinidad +++ Brad Telford
James Kirkup +++ Kevin McLellan
Ocean Vuong +++ Robert Walker
Henri Cole +++ Scott Wiggerman
Tiffany Wong +++ Peter Pereira
Reggie Harris +++ David Dooley
Frank Bidart +++ Kristy Nielsen
Greg Scott Brown +++ Brian Leary
Holly Painter +++ Vicente Viray
Mark Ameen +++ Beatrix Gates
William Dickey +++ Melvin Dixon
Essex Hemphill +++ James L White
James Schuyler +++ Paul Goodman
Joe Brainard +++ Pam Brown
David Malouf +++ Martin Harrison
joanne burns +++ Keri Glastonbury
Louise Wakeling +++ Martin Harrison
Bel Schenk +++ Angela Gardne
Stephen J Williams +++ Tim Denoon
Jill Jones +++ Maria Zajkowski
Chris Edwards +++ Louise Wakeling
Danny Gentile +++ Denis Gallagher
Kate Lilley +++ Paul Knobel
Andy Quan +++ Jenni Nixon
Miriel Lenore +++ Terry Jaensch
Margaret Bradstock +++ Javant Biarujia
Dîpti Saravanamuttu+++ Nandi Chinna
Wendy Jenkins +++ Peter Rose
Lee Cataldi +++ Carolyn Gerrish
Dorothy Porter+++ Scott-Patrick Mitchell
Susan Hawthorne +++ Tricia Dearborn
Kerry Leves +++ Ian MacNeill
Amanda Katz +++ Corrine Fitzpatrick
Danica Colic +++ Jack Lynch
Martha Oatis +++ James Allen Hall
Jan Heller Levi+++ Jenny Johnson
Jericho Brown +++ Kerry Carnahan
L.B. Thompson +++ Laura Jaramillo
Maya Funaro +++ Miller Oberman
Misty Harper +++ Richard Sime
Suzanne Gardinier+++ Valentine Freeman
Gregg Bordowitz +++ Sarah Dowling
Ari Banias +++ Sophie Robinson
Angie Estes +++ Kathy Fagan
Tommy Peeps +++ Nat Raha
Francesca Lisette +++ Tricia Bayman
Linda Bierds +++ Larissa Lai
Vanessa Huang +++ Soham Patel
Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Dulani +++ Rona Luo
Naomi A. Jackson +++ Celeste Chan
Zuleika Mahmood +++ Maiana Minahal
Sharon Bridgforth +++ Joel B. Tan
Griselda Suarez +++ Rigoberto Gonzalez
J.P. Pluecker +++ Kristin Naca
Duriel E. Harris +++ Nickole Brown
Qwo-Li Driskill +++ Deborah Miranda
Aimee Suzara +++ Amy King

From http://www.reuters.com:

The pic has now been proven to be fake (thank goodness!) from the photo below:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7mjwq_its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-he_fun

Gay Guy : I thought you guys were taking me to dinner?

Frank : Come on! Who doesn’t like to watch a naked woman swing around on a pole?

Gay Guy : A gay man for one.

All : Huh?

Gay Guy : I’m gay.

Mac : No! You’re so big and tough. You do not come across as gay.

Frank : You do not look like a gay guy.

Dennis : That’s cause he’s a bear.

Mac : Huh?

Dennis : Yeah he’s a bear. You see some guys are twinks and other guys are bears. This gay guy is a bear, and by the way we’re totally cool with that. To each his own.

Frank : Wait, Wait. I’m a little confused here. What’s a twink?

Dennis : A twink is small and slend like Mac.

Mac : Oh no, I’m too muscular. I would be a bear.

Dennis : I don’t think so, bro. Not hairy enough.

Frank : Yeah. Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.

Dennis : No, see I don’t think you’d be a bear either. In fact, I don’t know what you’d be cause you’re definitely not a twink.

Frank : I’d be a top, that’s for sure.

Dennis : Maybe.

Mac : Can a twink be a top? Or is that reserved for bears?

Dennis : I’m sure there is a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often than not bears are tops ; unless they happen to be power bottoms.

Frank : What’s a power bottom?

Mac : A power bottom is a bottom who is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.

Dennis : No, Mac you’ve got it backwards, you see a power bottom is actually generating all the power by doing all the work.

Frank : Does the power have to do with the size of the strength of the bottom?

Mac : Now I’ve heard speed has something to do with it.

Dennis : Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he’s supposed to apply. Speed’s the name of the game, right buddy (looks at Gay Guy) ?

VIDEO AT:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7mjwq_its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-he_fun

Amanda says (4:48 PM):

let’s do it

ahhh what a pretty picture!

you sexy lil smut you

Kara says (5:00 PM):

bahahaha

Kara says (5:01 PM):

thanks I learned how to use a curling iron

Its my conquest of the weekend

Amanda says (5:01 PM):

How was your weekend/conquests

Kara says (5:03 PM):

It was great! Friday night I had a chill evening, my friend Megan and I downed a box of red wine… then I tried sooo hard to stay awake/conscious enough to hang out with another friend in the very early hours of Saturday…but no dice…I needed a burger and a bed…

Amanda says (5:03 PM):

attack of the burgs

Kara says (5:03 PM):

it happens… I had one bite… then I was like…what the fuck am I doing…

so I went to bed.

Amanda says (5:04 PM):

Good and your Saturday?

Kara says (5:04 PM):

foggy.

Amanda says (5:04 PM):

ha

Kara says (5:04 PM):

how about you, where did the weekend take you dear

Amanda says (5:04 PM):

ha ha ha. Nowhere really.

I spent Friday and Saturday packing

I went for a run

Kara says (5:04 PM):

Good for you!

Amanda says (5:04 PM):

 I got my portfolio in tip top shape and I agreed to talk to a couple of high schools in NB about being gay

Amanda says (5:05 PM):

 But I feel like this move will make a whole bunch of things happen

I feel as though it will be a catalyst

I have a case of Christmas vacation

Kara says (5:05 PM):

a catalyst for what… the unknown?

Amanda says (5:05 PM):

meaning, I have the break in mind and have sort of gave up on work ha ha

 yes…

for change

movement

growth

you should seriously come visit

Amanda says (5:06 PM):

start saving your pogie checks

youre living at home

you have no excuse

Kara says (5:06 PM):

I pay rent and I don’t even have a bedroom

hahaha

But you make a good point.

Amanda says (5:06 PM):

oh

ha

Kara says (5:06 PM):

So I have a question…

Amanda says (5:06 PM):

yes

Kara says (5:06 PM):

Straight women…. how do you get them?

Amanda says (5:07 PM):

 How have I got them

well

I guess it’s quite simple really

I’ve never went after a girl because of her orientation

I go after what I want

Kara says (5:07 PM):

Fair enough

Amanda says (5:07 PM):

if she happens to be straight

she might not be anymore when she gets to know me

I think sexuality is quite fluid

and that if there’s energy there

people won’t deny it

Amanda says (5:08 PM):

which straight girl you’ve got your eye on

Kara says (5:08 PM):

I agree with that.

Amanda says (5:08 PM):

but with that being said

it’s fucking headache sometimes

If the person is hung up on a heterosexual identity

it won’t be smooth sailing

Kara says (5:08 PM):

I don’t think that’s the case here, and its still teeth btw.

Kara says (5:09 PM):

She’s so cute it drives me bananas

Amanda says (5:09 PM):

ok… well teeth doesn’t seem like she’d be hung up on labels

 how’s the flirting?

does it feel like 14 year old hold hands in the movie theatre pathetic

or is there a sexual surge?

Kara says (5:10 PM):

I’m treading lightly here, baby steps because we have a lot of the same friends, and I’d prefer to avoid any awkwardness.

Amanda says (5:10 PM):

that’s using the right head. Baby steps can be misleading though

Amanda says (5:11 PM):

she might think you’re not into her

Kara says (5:11 PM):

ok… so what’s the subtle way of “putting out the vibe” so to speak?

Amanda says (5:11 PM):

man you know how I feel about this shit

Kara says (5:12 PM):

harness the inner hotness

Amanda says (5:12 PM):

first three meetings should be pretty chill and in public. Then you go for the alone time

Kara says (5:12 PM):

hahaha

Amanda says (5:12 PM):

and then you go for the kill

if it doesn’t work out you know

and you don’t have to be awkward

I’m not suggesting forcing her to make out

but if things are going well

go for the kiss

see if there’s a spark

Amanda says (5:13 PM):

just because you have common friends doesn’t mean it has to be weird. If she shuts it down , you’re a big girl

your ego will recover and your mind won’t have to worry.

I think I operate my life on a cost/benefit analysis

Kara says (5:14 PM):

Thats true. Am I being ridiculous here though, because POF has been going well, there are a few hotties on there that want to go out, but here I am hung up on the straight girl.

Amanda says (5:14 PM):

well you don’t have to be

I would gaguge her ’straight’ness

ask her point blank

if she’s ever thought of it

or could ever think of it

straight is a fucking blanket term

Amanda says (5:15 PM):

in my opinion

Kara says (5:15 PM):

hahahaha

Amanda says (5:15 PM):

I’ve never met a person who wasn’t a little bit gay

ha

Kara says (5:15 PM):

I’ll agree with that.

Amanda says (5:15 PM):

and if things go sour you’ve got all your little fishies

Kara says (5:15 PM):

yes… a safety net of fishes.

Kara says (5:16 PM):

Thanks for the pep talk. I’m nervous.

hahaha

Amanda says (5:16 PM):

don’t be

you are young

when I was a few years younger I threw myself at almost anything I was interested in. It’s like playing the lottery. You can’t win the jackpot if you don’t buy a ticket. I’m not saying you become a huge ho, but if you’re into someone and you want to know. carpe diem and all that shit.

Amanda says (5:17 PM):

you’ve got nothing to lose

Kara says (5:17 PM):

hahahaha

Amanda says (5:17 PM):

if you get shut down, welcome to half of the world

rejection is the other 50% of a response. Rejection or acceptance

the third option is ambiguity

which can be fun for awhile

if you’re in no rush

Kara says (5:17 PM):

hahahaha

Amanda says (5:17 PM):

things you have to decide

Amanda says (5:18 PM):

I wish you luck, grasshopper. I’m off. I have femme club tomorrow night at 7

can we chat earlier

?

Kara says (5:18 PM):

Most certainly, I have to get back to my potatoes

Enjoy you’re evening dear!

Amanda says (5:18 PM):

you’re a spud stud

xo

by Stirling.

Rage and Loneliness often seem two sides of the same dirty little coin.  I got a free subscription to a adult web cam service.  That old hatred of woman comes up sometimes, and I fear this is the time.  There are about a thousand dudes on, and about 50 women.  A woman can get 500 views just by looking into the webcam and licking her lips.  Do you know what a man can do to get female attention? Neither do I.  I’ve studied feminism some, and I like what it says for the most part.  I know I don’t have any right to a woman.  But its so frustrating.  When I first studied feminism it made me so angry because I thought “The Patriarchy? Bullshit, women run everything.”

I’m sure that to women it is really sad and unfair that they have to sexualize themselves to be successful.  You know what’s unfair to me? That I can’t sexualize myself to be successful.  A woman can rub her breasts through her shirt, showing nothing, and 750 viewers will show up to watch, to compliment, to encourage.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing have that can motivate women to  affirm me the same way men can be motivated to affirm a woman.

So much power! A woman can get her desired sex to pay for her, compete for her, fight for her, steal for her, even kill for her.  I couldn’t get a woman to even look at me.  One woman actually talked to me.  She was 20 years older then I am, and as soon as she found out I was not available to service her that evening, she lost all interest in talking to me.  A man having the same standards under the same circumstances is laughable.  Woman can do it because whatever power the lack politically they have sexually if they chose to.  Women are competed for by men, men are not competed for by women.  Go to any place where men go to meet women, and you will find predominately men looking for women, and a handful of woman turning down man, after man, after man.

The unfairness of it all hurts sometimes.  Supposedly, as a white male I am the center of privilege and authority on earth.  I would give it up to live as man in a matriarchal society.  Imagine going into a bar, and its 80% women.  As you walk in with your buddies, every eye in the place turns to you.  Other then a few drunks and married gals, every woman there wants you naked and pressed inside her a she rides you hard into the mattress. You go up to the bar, and someone offers to buy you a drink.  You flirt for drinks, and go play pool with the best looking one woman.  She lets you win, and she takes you home to a messy apartment and fucks you.  They all want to fuck you.  Any woman you offered yourself too would fuck you, you just have to chose the good ones.

My,  it must be a rough life.

I know in my head this wrong.  I know that when a woman walks into a bar and everyone stares at her she feels like meat, and probably a bit unsafe.  The constant “I’m willing to fuck you” would get really old after awhile because at some point you would feel like “Yes, I know you want to fuck me, everyone one wants to fuck me.  But do you like me? Do you think I am a cool person? Do I make you laugh? ”   Money has value based on scarcity, and I suppose when everyone who has the opposite genitals you do would nip off behind the shed with you, sexual desire ceases to have relationship scarcity and your coin becomes something more esoteric.  It makes perfect sense, really.

And if forces me to confront the real truth.  I don’t want women to want to fuck me.  I get all the sex I need from my wife. But I am a black hole of need for approval and affirmation.

A lot of guys have fantasies about ménage à trois.  You know what my 2 woman fantasy is?  I want to sit between two women on a couch. I want their luscious hips pressed up against me. I want them to slide arms against mine as we watch a chick flick.  I want to feel them cry a bit and know that they trust me enough with their emotions to do so in front of me.  I want shinning eyes, long glances, accidental contact.  I kisses on the cheek and playful slaps on the ass.  My two woman fantasy is being the housekeeper for a lovely lesbian couple?

I don’t feel like much of real man writing this.  Doesn’t a real man want to fuck lots of women? Isn’t a real man complete in himself? Doesn’t he have sex purely for pleasure and without emotional complications?  But I know that I don’t want to see naked women who want to be fucked anymore.   I don’t want to see a woman strip to get me off.  I want a woman to reveal her self to me.  If I woman wants to be naked for me, I want it to be for the real me, not the me male stereotypes tell her I am supposed to be.

I want to be loved.  I’m sick of  the presto, ready-made, just-add-lust, kind of bliss that online relationships have.  It never tastes as good as the home made stuff.  I want to be special, approved off, sought after.

And nobody gives a shit.  So the loneliness turns to rage. I hate the whole world right now, but mostly the women.  I hate every Jimmy Cricket bullshit line I’ve ever been told about how being yourself is the real path to friends.  Myself is an straight but artistic and sensitive guy who is profoundly well read, in good shape and in a relationally (rather then sexually) open relationship.  Nobody cares what my opinion is, what I think, what book I’ve read today.  I’ married and I don’t fuck for sport so I priced myself out of the market.

Fuck you all.