Well today has had its ups and downs. I’ve ran low, almost out of a medication I have taken every day for a long time. Stopping said medication causes withdrawal effects and the like. I have other weaker meds to help with that some. So just been really stressed out about it all. I’d prefer to just stick with the first med but not sure if that’ll be a possibility or not.

Let me first say, Happy New Year! I hope everyone was playing it safe and not drinking and driving or other things drinking can cause. Hopefully this year will be a bit better than the last.

I played some Spirit Tracks today, ended up beating the Snow Ice whatever temple today, which was nice. Captured some rabbits and other side quests things. Got some treasures to get from this one tower before I go and hunt the map piece to unlock the path to the Ocean Realm. Probably gonna go play some battle Zelda with Adam for a bit tomorrow sometime.

I was hoping to get to talk to Cory today some but didn’t see him around when I was awake, he had gotten on while I was napping but was gone when I got up so I had to leave.

Ended up picking up Harold since he moved back we’ve been hanging out some. Thomas got back in town tonight as well so we all three hung out. I was driving so got those two going back and forth and being crazy then having to watch for cops and checkpoints and stuff. Nervous wreck. ; ; Had fun though I think. Tomorrow just me and Thomas hanging out so should be much calmer, we’re going to try to watch Public Enemies again since he’s been wanting to watch it. But I do enjoy staying in rather than out driving up all my gas (which isn’t very much anymore). Maybe Cory will be around tomorrow to talk some. What better way to spend the first day of the year than hanging out with/talking to your two best friends?

Looks like my mom got that hat ordered from Yes Anime or something like that, I checked out a site I found when Googling that but am unsure if that’s the same site as I did not see the hat on there (Though they did have an awesome Silent Hill save point cosplay necklace). I’ll have to find out tomorrow. I’ll post a review of how that experience with that company went when the Sabotender hat arrives and is on my head.

Well its 04:00, time for sleep.. I hope. :\

In case you can’t tell, it’s almost January 1st 2010 and I seem to be lacking in the very common New Year euphoria. I guess I’m just wondering if there are others out there who don’t quite feel excited or enthusiastic about it.

Things are feeling way more complicated that I thought they’d feel. I’m also on vacation and I suppose I expected a certain amount of rest, relaxation, rejuvenation and frankly, rescucitation. (If you knew the kind of year 2009 was for me, you would understand why I feel I need to be rescusicated.) Instead, demands I have no desire to fulfill are being shoved down my throat and the stress is killing me slowly, quite literally it feels like. I’m angry, pissy, moody, annoyed as hell, stressed, depressed and about ready to walk off a bridge (Chill out. That last one is just a figure of speech but still…) I haven’t even been here for four full weeks and yet here I am, already planning an exit. To be honest, I’m not having as much rest as I wanted. This new turn of events is giving me a serious case of the blues.

I suppose I’m wondering if there are others out there. Are you all feeling hopeful and optimistic about the new year or are your almost dreading it, seeing as a preview doesn’t seem to yield much to be happy about. I suppose some of you feel I should just smile and be positive through it. Well….tough shit. These feelings may not last but they’re here now and I’m not going to push them aside for the sake of so-called optimism. It is my contention that even optimistic people don’t ’stay positive’ all the time. They simply understand that bad moods, days or moments in days happen and it’s only natural and human to feel them. So, once again allow me to ask: what are your true feelings, hopes and dreams for the new year 2010??? Please share: I’m listening.

Inspite of how you may feel about it, allow me to wish you a Happy and Fantabulous (yes, that’s a word. Mia’s word ) New Year. Come over often to tell me all about it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I just love 30 Seconds to Mars. I love most of their songs. I love how they sound “violent” and “emo” but they don’t sound like they over-do it. And it is not too “heavy” for me. I love how I could let go of my anger and even sadness and frustration by listening to their songs. They make me happy. They make me tough. They make me strong.

I know listening to songs like theirs is not really the best solution. I know that I should be praying to be peaceful and calm but at the moment, I don’t want to feel calm. I don’t. I don’t feel like being nice. I just want to scream. Scream and shout. Yell.

I have tried watching movies. Actually, I forced myself to watch A Cinderella Story and Perfect Getaway but I watched them without even concentrating. My mind kept floating somewhere else. I couldn’t focus. I tried getting my mind off this stupid situation I don’t like. I tried. But I failed. I went to 7 Eleven at 1am, I ate chocolate, a whole bar of Crunch and still, here I am, writing nonsense about this thing, again.

I can’t be strong. Why?

I can’t accept everything, yet. I can’t.

God, it hurts. I wonder how my mom could even still be alive after being hurt that much. I really don’t know how to strong like her.

All I ever wanted was a father who used to spend time with me. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike. He was the one who taught me how to write the letter “H” nicely. I still remember those little things he did. Why? Probably because God already knew that later on, he wouldn’t be spending much time with me anymore. Because?

Because he would be busy doing something else.

I wanted a father who would play those lame board games, or go camping, or play sports whatever, I don’t care, as long as it meant spending time together, getting attention from my dad, I’d be all game for it. Yeah, sure, we used to go fishing a lot back then. But then, he became too busy. He didn’t care.

Didn’t. He does now. Or at least, that is what I think. But it’s too late. Because now, it’s either he loves us fully or I don’t have a dad at all. I prefer it that way.

♣   ♥   ♣   ♥

I want to talk to someone who really cares. Anyone but my mom. She can comfort me, that’s for sure. But please, not her. Siblings? No use. They don’t understand a thing about feelings. Friends? They care, well, some of them but I don’t like to be judged and I know they can’t say the right words because they wouldn’t know what they should tell me to do. Him? Too busy for me tonight.

I might not be home tomorrow night. Going to find a place other than this THING I call home. Might. I am not sure yet. I don’t know what else to write. If I keep on writing, it would be way too personal and I don’t want to go there.

I just want to cry. And talk to someone who would listen and say just the right words. That’s all.

If you think you know something, anything, you’re wrong. You know nothing.

xoxo, Fanah.

15:53 – Xmas Day

The plan was that I was going to go up to my parents house around 11am and exchange presents then come home, get showered and go back up around 3pm for the rest of the family coming down. It is 3.30 pm and I am still sitting in my pyjamas, ignoring the world. I just cannot do it today, I can’t face everyone, I just want to be left on my own so that I know I will be ok. They have been ringing my phone all morning and I ignored and ignored it, until I finally text just there saying “Merry Xmas, I will be up later” – now they will hopefully leave me alone as they know I am alive.

I am searching for strength just now to start thinking “Come on, lets do this, lets get this day over and done with” but the feeling just won’t come. Instead I am sitting here in my pj’s watching the dogs play with their new toys and surrounded with presents for my family. Why is it that such a happy day for millions is also such a terrifying day for millions more? Why does everyone think of Xmas as being some extremely happy family day, that special day of the year when the reality for so many people is the total opposite of that? I know that even though I feel like the only person in the world who is sitting on my own right now (through choice) that the reality is there are hundreds of thousands of other people just like me, sitting on their own right now, simply unable to face it.

And why? Why does it feel so awful? What do I really think is going to happen that will be so terrible? I think I am going to go fucking nuts if I go there, that’s what. I feel so fragile and so on edge that if one person says the slightest thing, the tiniest thing that causes any sort of irrational reaction in my brain then I am going to lose it completely. I feel like I will fall apart in front of all of them. I feel like I do not have the strength to even put on an act. Like there is only so much that I can hide: my slashed arms can be hidden with long sleeves, my panic could temporarily be hidden with some Diazepam, my sadness could be hidden with a fake smile stuck on my lips. But everything is so fake.

This here is the reality – the me sitting here with last night’s make up still smudged all over my face, sitting in my pyjamas at almost 4pm in the day – sitting alone – with just my dogs for company – with my cuts all over my arms and bits of plaster holding me together.

I just can’t find anything to hold all of me together. I am falling apart all over, anxious and panicked, depressed and giving up the fight. I know they just want me to be normal, I know they don’t understand, I know they don’t want to have to lie or think of excuses for the rest of the family as to my whereabouts. But would it be so bloody awful for them just to say “you know, she’s ill and she is finding it really difficult to be around people right now, so we are just going to leave her alone until she feels a bit better and comes to us, we aren’t going to pressure her” – if they were to do that it would be so much better. If I was sitting here thinking that their was a family gathering on today that I could go to if I wanted to, if I chose to, but nobody expected me to, then maybe I would be dealing with it better. But as the clock ticks on and it gets later and later I feel the pressure building up inside me to be there. I feel like I am waiting for someone to appear at my door and drag me kicking and screaming.

I feel like I am letting them all down. I feel like I am being a disappointment and embarrassment to them.

Am I alone? Is someone else reading this and in the exact same boat? Are you in hibernation for Xmas as well?

It is 50 minutes into Christmas Day. I have just got back from the cemetery, I went at midnight to do the balloon release for my little angel that I mentioned a few posts back. I took a little candle with me that’s sitting next to his stone (which is still covered in thick snow) and bought a silver star shaped balloon for him. A big star for my little star. It was emotional and I shed a few tears and shouted as loud as I could to him to catch it in Heaven. I really hope he does. I also attached a note to the balloon, I won’t say everything it said on it but I will say that I told him that never a day goes by where I don’t think of him and that if he ever needs his Mummy up there with him to just give me a sign and I will be there in a flash. I meant every word on my note, I would like to believe it will reach him somehow.

This afternoon was odd, I met my social worker for a while and she came with me while I got some last minute Xmas shopping. I couldn’t face going alone when it was so busy; yes it is a tiny place but it was still super busy. I freaked at one point but didn’t say anything to her, because I saw my ex getting out his car further down the street, that was all I needed to see when I was already panicking. However, it went ok in the end and I got what I needed then came home.

Then came the odd bit, I literally walked into the house, put my bags down then cut myself. For no real reason at all. Everything is just building up and up in me and I hadn’t cut for a couple of days so I just did it. It is currently being held together with strips of plaster cut like steri strip skin closures because the shops were all closed by then and I really couldn’t face the hospital.

After doing that and getting myself together I went up to the cemetery with flowers for my little man, but it was pitch black by then and the flower pots were frozen solid, so I just had to lay them on the snow. I came home after that and cut again, only deeper this time, and again fixed it up with strips of plaster. The thing is that when I am cutting I do not care about the consequences, I do not care if I go too deep, I do not care how much blood I lose, I do not care if I cut deep enough to hit a vein or artery or anything else. I just need to do it. But afterwards I find myself staring at the damage and wanting to make sure the scar isn’t going to be too bad. None of it makes sense really because the majority of the time I do not bother to put any kind of dressing on, I just give it a wash with TCP then rub some savlon in and leave it alone. But when it comes to scarring, well I want to keep it minimal. There are a few cuts on me at the moment which are going to scar and I know that due to using stanley blades at the moment instead of just a normal razor is making them deeper and more likely to scar. Nothing makes sense, as I said.

Thankfully I have a long sleeved top to wear tomorrow so I can keep it all hidden. The last thing I need on an already stressful day is people noticing my cuts. My friend text me earlier to tell me she was still in hospital, I feel pretty sad for her being in there on Xmas day but at the same time I am having quite a few unstable moments myself right now. The temptation is growing bigger and stronger to be that balloon that I felt so jealous of.

I feel such a mix of emotion right now: sadness, anxiety, fear, instability, stressed, hurt, tired, worried, self conscious and totally brain frazzled. I really truly just want to hide from the world for the next 24 hours. It’s killing me and the more it wears me down and the more I panic about it all, the more I keep looking for signs. If I see one definite sign that I should be with my little one then that’s exactly where I will be. Parents always say they would do anything for their kids, and trust me, just because one isn’t here on earth, that doesn’t change. Of course if I tell anyone else I saw a sign they will just think I’m barking mad. Irrational thinking. Something like that.

Actually it’s perfectly rational and perfectly logical. My little family got destroyed and I want to put one piece of it back together. I’ve had 28 years in this world, my angel got none. I don’t need any more, I just need to be with him. Why is that so hard for anyone to understand? The next seven days are decision time, decisions about my plans and everything else. Time to put plans into action – the new year = having a new life whether that be in Heaven or on Earth is yet to be decided…

Happy Christmas Everyone

Well I’m just back from the hairdressers and managed to sit through a 30 minute cut. I don’t know if it was a good idea or not as the panic was driving me insane and I couldn’t relax.. so left the hairdressers with a cut I don’t particularly like just so that I could get out of there. I even told her not to bother drying or styling it and said I needed to go for a shower anyway.. again just to get out of there. I’ve got a few more things that I really need to do this afternoon but all the shops seem to be busy and it’s too stressful. My dad’s Xmas present still hasn’t turned up so I am now racking my brain trying to think of something else I can buy him with the tiny bit of money I have left.

I live in the middle of nowhere, our selection of shops is well.. awful. I ordered just about all of my Xmas presents online so I could get half decent stuff and then this had to go and happen.. on Xmas Eve as well! Argh! I am feeling really stressed. I think I might just have to be boring and go and buy him a jumper or something.

I also need to get some bills paid and am still worrying about my friend in hospital. I hope she feels better soon.

Bye for now bloggers, have a nice Xmas eve all of you.

huddled over my ivory sheet
in the dead of night, I lay here
Through my heart’s pen, I write in blood
till crimson splashes appear
*
*
now in my vain attempt to sleep
my life in tatters at my feet
if i should wake before i die
i pray these tattered wings can fly
*
*
now i beg you tearing ache
gift me sleep
let me never wake
tears tears
the silence hears
*
*
caught in this world so cold
trapped with this empathic strain
silence please, hear me now
i never want to feel again

perfect picture for the poem...

OMG. This is crazy! Ahh! What am I talking about? Well about a week ago, I went with my friend who’s in high school to his community service place to help the cause AKA get some credits to get into a certain “thing” that I’ll tell you guys about if I get in Anyway, halfway through i got tired of the community service and wandered into a room where a friend of my mom’s was organizing a fundraiser for a charity and i got involved. Long story short: I now have until February 3rd (I think) to organize an extravagant, fundraising dinner buffet for 250+ people! I have to persuade Caterers,  Part Supply Stores AND a hotel manager to help out and give me stuff for free. Of course, I have help but still…

IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, ANY HELP IS SUPER OOPER DUPER APPRECIATED!!!!!!!

The SUPER AWESOME charity that we’re helping out:  http://www.propfood.org/

The ORGANIZATION that I’m working with: http://www.amccmn.org/

CHECK THEM OUT!!!

&thanks in advance!

ALI2475out!

It’s just after midnight and I’m at work right now but I really don’t want to do anything productive.  That’s the problem I’ve had several times when I worked this shift in past months.  During the past couple of months, I’ve had my assistant work this shift when someone was sick or needed a day off…which hasn’t been very often which is a good thing.  For the longest time, I was doing it myself and I even did it for about a month straight when our weekend person quit and I had to find her replacement.  I’m thinking the part time person I hired to replace the last one isn’t going to be able to work nights much longer…but that might not be my problem. 

I’ve been trying to think of ways I could cut down my expenses if I do lose my job but I’m not looking forward to it.  I should have saved money but didn’t.  It’s very hard for me to save money because I am a spender.  I hope to find another job with this same salary, $35,000 a year plus bonuses that ended up being around $2,300 a year, when I leave this job.  I really want to save money then!  I need to cut down what I spend so I can save money.  One of the things I want to cut down is my cell phone bill. 

I’ve been spending about $130 a month for my BlackBerry but I really don’t need that phone.  I haven’t gotten rid of it yet, though, because I love it!  I am SO a CrackBerry Addict!  There are so many things you can do with that phone, and I love the keyboard!  It’s hard to decide which I love better…the internet or the keyboard.  I can write things I think of at any time because I don’t need a pen and paper.  I can make notes of things I need to do or books I see in the bookstore that I want to get later or find at amazon.com at a lower price.  I can also get on the internet anytime and I’ve used it to look up numbers and address and even directions of places I’ve been going.  I just love that phone!  Oh, and I can connect it to my laptop and have regular internet on my computer no matter where I am.

There are some people in the back building and I’m not sure what they are doing.  I’ve seen them sitting outside their room several times and just a few minutes ago I saw a lady throwing clothes downstairs and a couple of people getting into the car so I thought they were having a fight.  Now I’m not sure. 

Okay, they just came down and I think something is going on.  They just checked out early but I didn’t look to see when they checked in.  His eyes looked a little bloodshot so I thought me might be on drugs, but I could be wrong.  After I gave him a receipt, he said he had a couple questions.  He then asked what would happen if a hotel employee got into a fight with his wife.  I was thinking “oh shit” because Sherry Ann worked the last shift.  Then he said it wasn’t this hotel and the hotel worked punched and kicked his wife.  I told him I didn’t know, it depends on the hotel policy but the GM knows and asked them to leave…so I’m guess there’s nothing he can do besides possible legal actions. 

Back to my phone, in January I can upgrade my phone and at that time I think I’m actually downgrade it to a regular phone.  That should save me around $80 or $85 a month.  Right now I have 900 minutes and 5 numbers I can call without using any of my minutes.  I can use my house phone more and only use the cell when it’s work related…provided I still have this job. 

I also saw at Wal-Mart a Straight Talk phone which would only be $45 a month with unlimited minutes.  If more and more of these types of phone plans come out which don’t require a contract, I think it will change the cellular phone world.  Other than have a nicer, better phone with more features and options, I’m not sure why you would want to get locked into a 2 year contract when you don’t even get unlimited minutes at such a low price.  For me to cut my plan down to a regular phone at the $39.99 monthly price which only gives 450 minutes, I would still be paying about $45 a month after taxes.  I would probably have to change my phone number, but that’s not such a big deal.

One of the biggest and easiest ways I could save money would be to stop eating out so much: this would help my budget and my health.  For several months I’ve been buying more food and cooking at home some, but I haven’t cooked that much because I’m just so mentally drained when I get home that I don’t feel like it.  Then, on the weekends, I don’t have the energy to cook.  I’m still not totally sure if that’s because I’m lazy or because I’m depressed.  At the least, it has to be a mix of both.  Otherwise, it’s just because I’m depressed. 

The other thing I can do is quit the impulse buys!

The Universal Access Health Care bill just passed the Senate.  I’m not sure that was a good thing or not.  I don’t think it’s good enough and it has caused – or in the days to come will cause – an even greater divide among Republicans and Democrats which might cause Democrats to lose control in 2010 and it might even cause President Obama to lose a reelection in 2012.  What I’m also afraid of is that the insurance companies are going to end up winning, or finding a way to win, so they don’t lose money.  I think what we really need is insurance company reform!  I just don’t think our health should be a profit-driven business!  I think everyone should have equal access for health care.  I think we should have something like some of the other developed nations have – Universal Healthcare!  We should look at all the models out there and pick the best parts of each.  Another thing I’m worried about is the cost to me.  Dad said something about we would have to pay a lot for it and if we didn’t we would be fined.  For most people, if they could afford individual health insurance plans they would buy them.  I know I’ve looked into it before and the cost is outrageous! 

As an update to what I posed last about the possibility of being fired on Monday, my boss didn’t check in tonight, he does live about 7 hours away, and he does have his weekly Monday conference call with the Home Office so maybe I won’t be.  Then he could fly in tomorrow…or the VP could fly in and do the deed himself.  But, I won’t be here past 12 because I have to work until 12P and then I’m going home and going to bed!  Actually, if I have energy – which I don’t think I will – I will fill out some applications.  I think I’ll just have to save that for Saturday…but the day after Christmas might not be the best time but at least the GM’s will have them on Monday morning.

Again, no editing…hope I didn’t f it up too many things!

Would someone like to place a little wager with me on rather or not they think my boss will can my ass 4 or 5 days before Christmas?  Nothing says Merry Christmas like the gift of unemployment.

The reason I think this might be possible is because…I think I’ve been getting the silent treatment.

There has been an “ongoing incident” we have been dealing them as of late…and there was also a conversation about “the incident” or should I say “the lack of the proper actions” recently and ever since I responded to his email – the way we spoke about “the lack of proper actions” – I haven’t gotten but one word from him, and that was all in lowercase letters.

Now I realize some might be thinking I’m jumping to conclusions, which is entirely possible because of my petite bank balance…as I find those funds my employer drops into my account every two weeks very helpful.  However, I do think he not only has good reason to be upset with me, but it is also unusual for him to only say “thanks” as opposed to “Thanks!!” when I send him my weekly business increasing efforts report.

We shall see over the next couple of days.

I was thinking that I should have used Saturday morning to go fill out applications near the airport because I never get a chance to do that during the week…since I’m required to be onsite Monday thru Friday.  But I just learned that I have to work tonight because someone is sick so if I get out in a timely manner and can stay awake long enough in the morning maybe I could fill out some applications.  That, I think, would be one of the best choices I have done in a long time.

What wouldn’t be a good idea, however, is to do like I did last week and now show up for an interview I had scheduled.  It wasn’t anything special, just a night auditor position – some money coming in is better than no money coming in.  The reason I didn’t show up for that interview is because the afternoon previous I spoke with my boss and he relieved my concerns as the possibility of being fired because of this “incident.”

But then the next day he sent “the email” where we briefly discussed “the lack of proper actions” and ever since then I haven’t heard from him.  That’s with I thought what the fuck have I done!?!

On a side note: to my readers, which I hope will increase, please don’t take offence to my use of certain words….  And lastly, I know this may not be very grammatically correct as I’m not going to be editing this before posting.  It’s just a random post of what I’m thinking right now and that’s just what you’re going to get for now.

I’ll go into more detail later about some of the issues that have transpired at work.  For now, I’m off to take a nap to get ready to go into work tonight.

there is zero reason why i should have to work with someone who:

1. is never on time to anything, including work itself, flu clinics, appointments, etc.

2. doesn’t clean up her messes in the office (i.e. doesn’t wash her lunch dishes, doesn’t throw out urine from pregnancy tests but leaves it sitting out on counters where clients can see it when they come in for shots, doesn’t put vaccine away but leaves it sitting out all day (which is a big no-no), and rarely FLUSHES THE TOILET AFTER SHE USES IT)

3. lies to me consistently about the stupidest things

4. tells me she’ll return to the office at such and such time and doesn’t actually come back until hour(s) later after i’ve already told people “she said she’ll be back around such-and-such time,” essentially making a liar out of me constantly and making our office look like it’s run by a bunch of flaky idiots.

5. steals petty cash from the public health funds

6. gives expired and/or incorrect vaccine to people without ever telling them or filing the proper paperwork with the state health department

7. brings me to clinics late because she just had to stop “at the second hand shop and spend an hour trying on boots, thereby getting us to the clinic 30 minutes late”

8. picks fights and makes up a complete lie about why she picked the fight when I confront her about her mistakes.

9. makes me pretty much have to accept her incompetence and unreliability just to maintain a peaceful office environment because it’s just the two of us and she will act like a completely spoiled, selfish, horrible brat if you let her know you are constantly disappointed by the fact that she cannot do her job or do it correctly.

i cannot handle the stress anymore nor should i have to. i said before i wasn’t out to get anyone fired, but now, i honestly, truly hope they fire her. she should not be allowed to give people vaccinations or anything nurse related. she is a danger to this community and i would swear on 10 stacks of bibles and in a court of law that she is dangerously incompetent and that her nursing license should be taken away. i mean that with every fiber of my being, too.

Avoid stress?  Impossible!  To be alive is to be under stress.  We can either grow, thrive and heal in the face of stress, or be reduced to dullness and disease.  The way we react to stress can be more important than the stress itself. 

Feeling Stressed?

There are three stages we go through when under stress.  First is the alarm reaction where stress hormones are released during a “fight or flight” response.  If the stress remains the stage of resistance occurs where our muscles tense up and blood pressure increases.  If the stress continues then the stage of exhaustion occurs, ultimately leading to disease.

Chiropractic focuses on removing nerve stress from our bodies as we live in a world of chronic stress.  This allows us to adapt better, heal better and get the most out of life!

To learn more about how a safe, gentle and scientific, Chiropractic adjustment could TRANSFORM your health contact your chiropractor.  If you are interested in a complimentary consultation, CALL me at The Family Chiropractic Centre, 519-837-1234. 

I’m Dr. Brent Lipke, educating you to help you educate others !

I hate being sick.

Which I’m sure is normal.

It’s just that I’m hardly ever sick, and when I am, it sucks. I can’t do anything (sometimes “anything” includes breathing through my nose) and it never fails that when my nose is stuffed up – I’ll sneeze a million times.

Also I worry about the kids getting sick, so I hibernate in my bedroom or in the bathroom, in the hot tub.

It just plain sucks.

Especially when I should be celebrating the fact that I’m done with classes and grades are rolling in trickling in and so far I’ve gotten an A in Spanish and a B in Math. I’m kind of really bummed about the B, because that knocks down my average, but if it’s my lowest grade, I’ll be excited.

Of course, I’m not too sure about my Medical Terminology grade, because I kind of bombed the final.

I’m just glad I passed Math, though, if nothing else.

And, I’m looking forward to next semester.

Now, back to bed and hopefully sleep in a benadryl-induced coma for the next 12 hours.

Hugs,
StressedOutMommy

Okay… if a day has ups and downs… today was a roller coaster… mostly downhill…  some of it straight downhill…

Feeding the horses went fairly smoothly.  All of the horses got a blanket check and I couldn’t believe how thick the ice was on the one tub.  They did give me a scare because the big field had emptied their brand new (as in I just put it up yesterday) expensive heated water bucket and decided to knock it over and pull it out of the cord.  I about had a heart attack thinking I only got one use out of a over $50 bucket!!!  (This is the same bucket that I spent all day yesterday worrying about if I had used a heavy enough gauge extension cord and hoping I wouldn’t set anything on fire.  And whenever I worry about something like that… I smell the hot electrical smell everywhere- can you say paranoid!!!  I used to have John to tell me that my nose was dysfunctional and he had a fire sniffing nose… he could tell you what was burning during a fire!  So, I stressed all day yesterday… and checked the cord a zillion times.)  Luckily the bucket wasn’t damaged, cord wasn’t chewed.  I can’t decide which is a more destructive force… toddlers or horses.  In my experience, horses do more damage to expensive thing- like brand new expensive buckets and blankets (I want to cry when I look at the money I invested in shredded blankets), gates, etc.   But Nathaniel is like a tornado… he leaves behind a path of destruction and can create it in seconds!  Comparing pound for pound he has the horses beat by miles…

On that note… back to kiddo.  He was great when he first got up, but he did manage to end up with milk in his hair when he was supposed to be eating cereal.

I emptied the dishwasher and re-filled it with the dishes from the sink.  I was feeling quite accomplished and domesticated.  Kiddo was quietly eating in his high chair and not crawling in the dishwasher and playing with knives… score one for mommy!

Then I tried to fold laundry.  That went over like the Titanic… I got 3 shirts, one baby item, and a pair of socks folded and then Tornado Nathaniel came through and sent two shirts flying and I gave up…

My day went drastically downhill when I logged into Facebook.  I thought I’d log into John’s account because I do periodically.  I want to keep John’s FB account as it is.  I enjoy going back and looking at things that John wrote.  I want his FB account to be there when Nathaniel is old enough to understand.  I always loved how John expressed himself in words… he was just himself… black and white… told it like it was…

Well… I go to log in and get a message–

Account Inaccessible

This account is in a special memorial state. If you have any questions or concerns, please visit Facebook’s Help Center for further information: http://www.facebook.com/help.php

WHAT THE FRUITBAT???  I didn’t request for John’s FB page to have a “special memorial status.”  The widow’s bulletin board that I frequent, has made it very clear that you shouldn’t do that unless you want all of your spouse’s status updates, their info tab, and pretty much everything personal that they ever did on the account deleted.  Basically they said… DON’T DO IT… YOU’LL REGRET IT.  I knew that I didn’t want to do that.  So, I logged in every now and then just to keep the account active.

So, I’m sure whomever did it thought they had good intentions but what the %&#( happened to maybe asking me if I wanted to do it?  I am his wife.  I am the mother of his son.  Do you think perhaps it might have crossed somebody’s mind to ask me if I wanted to do it… rather than taking it upon themselves?  Apparently not.  So… to whomever did it… thanks for raping my husbands account and stealing his thoughts and writings from his wife and son… Thanks a lot… Happy Holidays…

Then, when I couldn’t get to the phone, Union Hospital had left a voice mail… regarding John’s account.  I thought ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? (okay, I added a few choice curse words in my thoughts)

• He died in their hospital- don’t you think they’d have that on record.
• I sent a death certificate & informed them that the estate was closed.
• I responded to one of their collections calls and left a voice mail saying that he’d passed away, the estate was closed, by law I’m not responsible, don’t return my call.

Just exactly what part of that do they not get????

Of course this is also the hospital that called a few weeks after John’s death asking for him to take part in a survey about his recent ER visit.  They also had done that to a friend of mine who lost his wife a few years ago.

I guess part of what pisses me off is a little attention to detail would just make my life so much easier.  Maybe it’s because where I work, I can investigate and research prior to making calls.  I use data that I’m given and find to help paint a picture or create a scenario.  Then if I have to, I make a call.

In all fairness, maybe Union Hospital’s collection staff don’t have the flexibility that is granted to me.  Maybe they’re calling blindly.  Maybe they have terrible computer systems.  Maybe they have staff that doesn’t enter things that are mailed to them or left on voice mail into the computer system.  Maybe they’re just not that bright.

Or maybe I’m too logical (or insert your choice of words for me).

Let’s take a look at the scenario-

1. Somebody who always pays bills on time & now doesn’t.  Hmmm… looks like a problem of some sort…
2. Somebody who’s information shows stage IV melanoma.  Hmmm… cancer… melanoma… stage IV… not a good prognosis.
3. Chart says deceased, July 21, 2009.  Hmmm… maybe they’re dead… Which at this point in time, I’d think maybe they’d stop making repeated collections calls for a $25.00 copay out of courtesy to the family.  But in all fairness there could have been an estate and medical bills are high on the list to be paid and I’m sure they need the $25.00 copay to keep the hospital in business.  Did I mention I’m a sarcastic smart ass, too?
4. Notes in the computer stating that the death certificate was received and the estate is closed.  I’m assuming that there are not notes because if their are then there is NO excuse for calling me.  So… ball drop (at least) number one…
   
5. Notes in the computer stating phone call returned and customer is deceased, estate closed, and do not call.  Again… I’m assuming that there are not notes because if there are then there is NO excuse for calling me.  So… ball drop (at least) number two…

I’ve been trying very hard not to get upset and not to get pissed.  But with that coupled with the Unum fiasco (they keep pulling money out of my account to pay premiums on a life insurance policy that they’ve paid out and then have the intelligence of a fruit fly and send me a check- (minus a month) to the Estate of John Smith– I haven’t even had the patience to call them back– they didn’t take the money out of the “Estate of” so what logic would they have to return the money to “Estate of”– they took they money out of  our account which is now MY money out of MY account… I’ve already called them TWICE.  How hard is it for a LIFE insurance company to stop pulling funds when somebody has passed away… it’s not rocket science)– oh and add in a kid who is either teething or going into his terrible twos early… I’m at my wits end…

So… I called Union Hospital back and let the poor lady have it.  She didn’t deserve it.  She was nice.  She was polite.  She extended her condolences.

I on the other hand was not very nice.  I even had a few choice curse words– I hope she didn’t take it personally.  I was upset with the situation, not with her.  She said something about that the computer systems didn’t link up and she didn’t have record that I had notified the hospital of John’s death.  I lacked tact and told her that maybe they’d better look into to some computer systems that linked up… it wasn’t my problem and to take care of it.  I told her I wasn’t really that surprised because this was coming from a hospital that called with an ER customer satisfaction survey after my husband died in their hospital.  That comment even received a gasp.  Of course, maybe if their hospital had a grief management group I wouldn’t have spazzed out on her…

That collection call ruined my day.  I hope I didn’t ruin hers.  I just get so irate when people can’t do their jobs.  I think a lot of it comes from working somewhere that has very high standards and quality checks in place.  It’s not rocket science.  Fill out the deceased report… no estate… clear the books.

I also get emotional because I hate to think of John’s credit getting trashed because we worked so hard to have and maintain excellent credit.  But I’m at no liability to pay his bill.  That $25.00 can be used for groceries, gas, child care, or put in his college account.  I also struggle somewhat because I don’t know what John would want me to do… he may want me to pay the bills because he received the care.  And we’re not talking about a lot of money, either- just co-pays.

I honestly can’t understand how the budget works out to spend the money to hire collectors to make multiple calls on co-pays… I got a collection call from Hopkins (actually they sold it to a collection agency) for a TEN dollar co-pay…  I could understand if it was a several thousand dollar bill. Part of me thinks… you greedy, bloodsucking, bastards… a $10.00 copay????  You’re going to call and bug a widow over a $10 copay????  You got the insurance money… I got a dead husband and a toddler to raise on my own and a farm to manage and pay for and am stressed beyond belief…

Sorry… I’ve had a hell of a day… I’m venting… I’m entitled to it…

During the collection call… Nathaniel started screaming… about what, I haven’t a clue.  I never could figure men out… and I really can’t figure out a small male who can’t communicate with words and is clearly upset about something.

Then Nathaniel stopped screaming… I still have no idea what his issue was.

I’m still trying to calm myself down.  Now, I’m upset that I talked to the lady that way.  It wasn’t her fault.  Hopefully, I don’t go to Hell for it.  While I’m hanging up the phone, kiddo managed to get the baby gate open and was running around upstairs before I realized what he’d done.  I about had a coronary right there as he was zooming towards the steps.  Luckily, he stopped.  I grabbed him and carried him safely downstairs.  The baby gate is going to get the fix that I know how to do… some baling twine and a double ended snap.  I can’t figure out if it’s broken or not adjusted correctly and my “fix it skills” end with being able to pull out a nail.. I can’t barely hammer a nail  straight…

Then kiddo is not happy with me because I won’t let him climb up the stairs and run around like a banshee.

Kiddo is progressively more unhappy about God only knows what.  I’m frustrated.  I’m beginning to think I have the parenting skills of a frog.

The mail today was comprised of Christmas cards.  I enjoy getting them and feel “loved,” but at the same time, it’s hard to see them addressed just to me or to Nathaniel and me.  It’s the little things that get to me sometimes… John’s missing.

I decide… we’re going to the dump.  I barely have enough trash or recycling to warrant a trip to the dump, but there is one bag of diapers and that is reason enough to go…   I also figure with kiddo strapped into the car seat he at least won’t be running around leaving a path of destruction.  I also figure… if he squawks, I can turn the radio up and tune him out…

So, we go to the dump.  No problems there.  Stinky diapers gone.

Then we stop by the cemetery.  I was hit with the unexpected.  Two ladder trucks and a flag.  John’s truck…  I had seen that a CFCRS life member had passed away, but I didn’t realize the funeral was today.  I mistakenly thought he had already been buried.  There was another funeral earlier this week.

I didn’t know if I should turn back or continue with my visit.  I didn’t want to disrupt anything.  I decided to proceed anyway.  Turns out they wouldn’t be doing the burial for at least another hour or so.  It was strange seeing the ladder trucks and the flag… I thought I’d end up sobbing, but it didn’t bring back a painful memory.  Instead, I smiled and told John, “your truck is here.”  It made me feel good that John is buried in a cemetery where in theory “his” ladder truck will return to and that it overlooks “his” town.

Another wreath is at John’s grave.  This one is from his Aunt Linda.  The two of them look so nice.  No need for me to add a third.  I’ve got tree duty.

Christmas this year just feels so empty.  Like John’s fight against cancer, I’m doing it for one reason- Nathaniel.

On my way out I had a brief chat with one of the firefighters.  It was nice.  I’m glad he recognized me… that would have been embarrassing if he hadn’t.    There are a lot of members that I don’t know and on top of it, John was TERRIBLE about introducing me.

I then decided that kiddo and I were driving to DE.  I wanted to get Nathaniel his Christmas Hess “truck, ” which this year happens to be two race cars and no truck… still not sure how that happens.  Anyway… story behind that is that every year for Christmas John’s parents always got him a Hess truck.  So, last year, I got Nathaniel his first Hess truck.

I want to make it a tradition for Nathaniel, like John’s parents did for him.  Although, I’m hoping Nathaniel will be a little more appreciative than John was for the last few years… John would be like… “I know what this is, I’m not even going to unwrap it.”  Yes, we have unwrapped Hess trucks in the basement.

I also wanted to get Nathaniel a little shaker that I thought he’d like.  I had seen it when we went to pick up John’s guitar that he never got to play.

On our way to DE, we stopped at Cracker Barrel for lunch.  Thankfully, this time the waitress didn’t ask if anybody else would be joining us.  Phew.  I don’t think  I could have taken it today.  Nathaniel had applesauce and mashed potatoes.  I had a house salad and Chicken and Rice.  That was one of John’s favorites and they only serve it on Saturdays.  I thought of John and missed him.  I also missed him as I was trying to keep an eye on kiddo and eat.  John and I did such a good job at sharing our time watching kiddo so we could both have an enjoyable dinner.  Sigh.  Overall, kiddo was good.  He wants to do everything himself… which sometimes is such a great idea for a yearling.  No milk in the hair this time.  A lady diagonally commented about how well behaved he was… funny because I wasn’t happy about how demanding he was being and he squawked several times and there was no need for it.

So… after our trip to DE, we had 2 Hess “trucks” (one to play with and one to save) and 1 shaker.  I love being able to buy presents for kiddo with him there.  It’s great to be able to preview presents with him and then not have him beg for them when we get home and not have him remember that we got them together.  Those days will soon be over, I’m sure.

Earlier in the day, I had made a phone call to a friend of John’s who had suggested Teething Tablets for the little Mr.  I had never seen such a thing, but several people said that they were great.  At this point… I could use something great… Nathaniel’s teething has been driving me crazy…   We picked them up at a local pharmacy and I hope they work!!!

When we got home, it was about dusk.  He wanted to wonder around.  I decided to bundle him up and let him “help” me feed the horses.  He pretty much enjoyed the experience.  There were several moments of momentary unhappiness of an unknown origin.

When I took Nathaniel inside, I noticed that he had dirt all over his face.  Poor kiddo must have landed on his cheek/mouth in the mud.  He never cried and I hadn’t noticed in the darkness.  I decided a bath was in order, so kiddo got cleaned, dressed, fed, and then sent to bed.

In all honestly, the last few weeks have been rough and I think the last time that I had a whole day that was really good and mostly stress free was last Friday when I went to Annapolis to deliver the ornaments to AFD and then went to see Ballyhoo afterward.

And that, ladies and gentleman… has been the long story of “How was your day?”  I don’t think I’ll get asked that question very often if I reply like I just did… oh well… tomorrow is another day… who knows what it will bring…

So yeah. I should be sleeping right now but what the hell. I can’t sleep! I didn’t blog yesterday anyway so this is kinda my way of making up for it. Went to Rosie’s last night for a while.. didn’t want to leave when I was going home. I just wanted to spend the night snuggled up to her. Going to miss her so much when she moves down to Cornwall next week. It’s going to be hard for us both I know but we will be strong as possible and work things out. She’s the greatest girl I’ve ever met; never met anyone so caring before it’s lovely!

Oh wow.. I just realised. It’s Friday!! It’s about time. This week has been a long one for me, I’m glad it’s almost over in a way because I need a nice rest over the weekend. Hopefully see Rosie if she’s not doing anything. My college money best not fuck up this week or I’ll be pissed.

Anyway I’m off to put my head on the pillow see if I can get some shut eye before 8am. Good night!

I mean, logically I know I don’t have a whole lot to do. By most people’s standards I actually spend a lot of my time laying around!
But even still I feel like there is never enough time to get everything done!

Take a shower, enter contests, delete dozens of junk emails, maybe write poetry, maybe post on blog, work on Zazzle products, play many hours of Dragon Age…..

AAAGGH!

Who’s bright idea was it to have only 24 hours in a day? And SLEEP???? WTH!

~grumble~

Imma invent a machine that instantly puts me into (and takes me out of) a state of deep R.E.M. sleep so that I can just turn that on for like 3-4 hours and wake back up again completely refreshed. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.
Anyone got any idea how that might work? Anybody?

This is just a list of things I have to accomplish by December 18th. Actually, some have to be completed by December 16th and 17th.
Again, this is mainly for personal use.

Algebra 2
- Finish review packet for final
English 4
- Complete study guide for final
- Read The Odyssey
- Complete comic book for Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
- Binder w/ Dividers for binder check
- Poster board collage
AP European History
- Read chapter 12
- Read chapter 13
- Read chapter 14
- Read chapter 15
- Read chapter 16
- Read chapter 17
- Re-read chapter 18
- Re-read chapter 19
- Re-read chapter 20
- Re-read chapter 21
- Re-read chapter 22
- Complete study guide for final
- Complete final project: essay, powerpoint, or movie
AP Government and Politics
- Complete chapter 4 study guide
- Complete chapter 5 study guide
- Complete study guide for final
- Complete final project: Write song & Perform

At the time, this list is not done.

That last post really made me think. Not so much the commitment about living consciously but the part about New Year’s resolutions. I know that I’ve been struggling with several issues in my life for quite some time now and I have been forced to realize this, even more so, through the monitoring of my daily actions over the past few weeks. I was reading a few of my posts and I have found them a little shallow. I feel that before I can begin to think about the consequences of my actions on the environment and on society, there are several aspects of my life which I need to correct. What’s the point of everything else if you’re unhappy with your life? I know this will not be easy, since many of these issues I have tried to work on with my psychologist for quite some time, but I am deeply committed to succeeding. The few aspects of my life I would like to work on first are procrastination, bed time, wake up time and diet. I will be keeping track of my daily activities, hour by hour, and at the end of the day I will grade these four categories on a scale from one to ten. I don’t know if this will work, but I have to try it. If it doesn’t help, then I’ll try to think of something else.

Procrastination: I have a very serious problem with procrastination. I’m really ashamed to admit it, but it’s really become sort of a decease. It has put all of my semesters at McGill at serious jeopardy. Just to show you what I’m talking about, my previous semester at McGill, I didn’t do any school work for the whole second half of the semester. I worked day and night the week before my finals, all the while skipping classes, just to catch up on my readings and homework. I promised myself that it wouldn’t happen again, but here I am. The semester at McGill is technically over and I haven’t finished all my assignments. Again, I’m working hard all day every day to finish and I even need to ask a few of my professors for additional extensions. But procrastination doesn’t just occur for school work. It governs every single aspect of my life, from replying to e-mails to cleaning my apartment to doing the laundry and the dishes to buying groceries. My grandparents sent me an email on August 30^th to which I still haven’t replied. And it’s not the first email that they write to me for which this happens. It’s probably the 2^nd or 3^rd in a row. Just writing this, I’m starting to tear up. I feel like such an awful person. I feel like a failure.  I don’t understand why I have such a hard time doing such simple things. It’s the same thing with dishes or laundry. Stuff just piles up until I have absolutely nothing to wear or to eat in. I often have to wash a single glass or plate by hand because everything else is dirty. Same with food, I don’t do groceries unless there’s absolutely nothing to eat in the house.  And when I say nothing, it’s literally nothing. More than once, I didn’t have anything to eat for a whole day and, by the time I convinced myself to go out, the grocery store had already closed and I had to buy something at the convenience store. I have really dark thoughts. I keep telling myself that everything will be hard and difficult and that I really don’t feel like doing them. I tell myself that I’ll do them tomorrow. But things just keep dragging on and on and nothing ever gets done. I don’t really know how things have come to this, but I know that I can’t live like this anymore. This is why procrastination is the most important thing I need to work on. I’ve decided to start a procrastination list. Whenever there’s something which I put off, then I have to write it on the list. If I think about it again, then I have to write a checkmark next to it on the list. At the end of the day, I will go over my procrastination list and write next to each item how long I believe the task will take me. Also, the item with the most checkmarks will be scheduled as the first thing I do the following day. I will also use Outlook to schedule my workday from 8AM to 6PM, as this usually ensures greater productivity.

Bed time & wake up time: I go to bed late. But when I say late, it’s insanely late. At my worse, I can go to bed at around 6 or 7 in the morning. This doesn’t really happen anymore, but it did for a while. Things are better now because I’m taking a medication at night which makes me really drowsy, but I still go to bed a little later than I would like. I understand why I do it. I spend my day procrastinating, telling myself that I’ll do X, Y and Z tomorrow and I begin to dread the next day, because I know that it won’t be enjoyable. Going to bed late is a way for me to push back tomorrow. What usually happens is that the next day I wake up very late. By the time I shower and eat it starts to get dark outside. I don’t like doing schoolwork at night so I push things off to the next day. I don’t like working in the evening because the times when I do it are extremely stressful. I only work at night when I’m in really big trouble. So this is the second thing which I want to work on. Ideally, I’d like to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 8AM.

Diet: When I say diet, I don’t mean following some crazy diet to lose weight. For the past two years, I’ve been exercising a lot and there have been prolonged periods of time where I’ve been extremely careful about what I eat. I haven’t done any diets, but I’ve followed meal plans which were combined to my exercise plan. I’ve measured everything I ate, counted calories, drank 2-3 liters of water per day, I’ve done all that. Overall, I’ve lost around 30 pounds. Since then, I’ve continued to exercise a lot, because it’s something that I love doing, but I’ve seriously relaxed my diet. I also tend to binge on food whenever I get stressed or depressed. More recently, my pattern has been eating very little during the day and binging late in the evening. My goal is not to go back on a strict meal plan, but I am now very aware of what I should be eating and in what proportions. My main goal is not to binge at night. One of the side effects of that medication I take in the evening is that it makes you hungry, so things have been a lot worse recently. Other than not binging in the evening, I also would like to watch what I eat. This means trying to eat healthy, enough fruits and vegetables, not too much fat and sugar, not too many calories, etc.