I am touched by the erotic

The pleasure on the screen

Like fingers trailing across me

Stealing my breath

Makes my body hot

My heart race

My conscious react

I am conservative but I struggle

I struggle to turn my eyes

To change the channel

To close the book

And I am riddled with questions

Overwhelmed with regret

Because I was touched by the erotic

And the time wasn’t right

She wants to know “What’s so wrong if I like him?”.

The “Christian” guy cheated on her. But this guy is nice, they’ve connected. She trusts him.

He wants to know “So what if “he is a really nice guy”, he treats you well, you won’t date him?”

The “Christian” guy hasn’t made the move. But this guy is nice, they’ve connected. She trusts him.

If you are single, and have been around the Christian bubble for more than five minutes, you’ve heard the verses, and with the best of intentions recited them yourself.

Guard your heart. Don’t be unequally yoked. He will give you the desires of your heart.  Paul even said it was better to be single. Run after Christ, and when you turn and see someone there next to you – That’s “him”.

When the cliches wear off.  What will stop the lingering looks and flirtatious touches?

It’s Christ.

And Only Christ.

Is Christ the center?

Is Christ the treasure?

Is obedience to Him and bringing Glory to Him the highest calling?

Rest knowing that you are Loved even in your loneliness.

Remember whose you are, and all He has brought you through.

If that’s not enough, you’re looking for fulfillment in the wrong relationship.

I had a conflict with my husband.

My husband is a good man: loving, caring, loves the Lord above all else, loves my children fiercely, and is the best friend I have ever had.  But, sometimes in marriage, conflict arises, and that is that.

Now, I need to tell you that this conflict was minor.  Just a small annoying thing he had done, and I wanted it resolved.  I found myself overly upset about it, and finally just apologized for approaching it at all.  I should have let it go, and after being an idiot about it, I did.

But, I went upstairs to our bedroom to be alone for a bit, and was overwhelmed with bad memories.  Our marriage is strong now, but we did go through a season where we nearly divorced-it was an ugly season that lasted over 3 years, but by God’s grace and God’s grace alone, we made it through.  Somehow, this conflict last night brought to mind some of the hurts my husband caused me, and I was flooded with things I had forgiven him for.  I know sometimes forgiving someone means forgiving them for the same thing again and again, but there was something last night that just washed over me.  It was agony.

I laid on the bed and cried for a while, utterly confused by this sudden hurt-I knew it was not hormones (!), but genuine hurt.  I sought the Lord about it, and realized that I was just facing emotion as it needs to be faced sometimes.  Most of my life if I have been in pain, I have just turned to food.  Here was this temptation, at the end of a good day, to run downstairs and eat whatever I wanted (and there was a lot of “whatever I wanted” leftover from Thanksgiving!).  I stayed in my room, and cried some more, and sought the Lord.  I cannot say I had total peace at the end of my day, but I did seek God to help me through it, and not the food.

And, that, was a victory.  I say this to God’s glory, because only through Him can I have any freedom in my life.  I am thankful for the principles of OA that have led me to truly desire to submit this to the Lord, and look forward to more freedom.

I feel fiercely.

In my need I want to conquer, tear apart, and consume

I am dangerous

Not to others

But to myself

I will hurt

With unfulfilled longing

And I will blaze and burn

Until I am engulfed

Or someone puts me out.

And I stumble onto full frontal want and I cannot look away

My eyes would gaze where they need not venture and I cannot look away

My mind wonders where it should not go and I cannot look away

And the sight of flesh excites me, but my conscious pricks me

I am mortal and can not flee though my Spirit chastens me to

Look away.

I thank Mike practically every day, but today, I wanted to write it down.

Mike and I went through a lot, when we were in High School and then again, when we reunited in 2005.  Mike and I had a long distance relationship from the time we got back together, December of 2005 – after 13 years, to the time I moved out to Las Vegas to be with him in October of 2006.  When he and I got back together, I was still drinking, and so was he.  We talked on the phone for hours and hours each day.  And we drank.  I can not tell you how many times I woke up realizing that I had passed out or blacked out leaving me not remembering the ends of our conversations.  Did he say ” I love you” and i didn’t answer?  Was he talking and then realized that I wasn’t really “there” anymore.  It happened too much.

Mike and I talked at length about our drinking problems; we both knew that we had to stop.  Mike was the first one to tell me that I might have a drinking problem.  “I think you might drink too much”, is what he said.  I was sort of offended, especially this coming from him, who did drink too much, but that doesn’t matter.  And i knew that.  I knew I believed him and that was when I really started to see that my drinking was a problem.  It was being with Mike that woke me up to what I was doing to myself.  It was being with Mike and wanting to spend the rest of my life with Mike that led me to see myself from outside myself and get a different view.  It was being with the man who I had thought about being with since the day we’d met, Sophomore year in High School, that made me want to try harder and really make an effort to get better.  I was embarrassed of my behavior.  I was ashamed of myself, for being nothing.  When I was really only answering to myself, I let myself get away with everything, or pretended to not really notice what I was really doing to myself.  I wanted to be everything to him.  I wanted to be the greatest.  We had such great plans to be together, the spirit was there, but I knew, in the state I was in, I wouldn’t be capable of anything but dreaming.  I didn’t want to disappoint him, and I didn’t want to disappoint me.

He felt the same.  We talked about it, all the time.  On May 31, 2006, I quit drinking.  I’ve been sober ever since.   I owe a lot to my brother John and my friend Kelly too.  They quit with-in the same year.  Those are two people who a great many people never thought would quit.  They did, and they are inspirations, and I thank them greatly too.  But,  my wanting to spend the rest of my life with Mike was really the catalyst, John and Kelly gave me the strength.

I moved to Las Vegas in October of 2006.  Mike and I have both struggled with depression, on different levels.  He was concerned that his depression was going to push me further down.  I always said that we would deal with this, that we should not wait any longer to be together, that we were supposed to be together and years down the road, when things are better we would look back on these times and be proud that we got through the toughest times together.  He would agree, but he was scared of what his depression was going to do to me, ’cause I was getting better…Well, it did affect me, but that was ok.  I remember feeling it, and watching it happen.  His reclusive nature mixed with mine was not good.  But, since I had quit drinking, I was worlds better than I ever had been.  I had much more strength to push through.  It was about a year after I had moved to Las Vegas that I really felt bad.  I was sleeping until noon, totally un-motivated, and always waiting for him to do something with me, something, anything and doing nothing for myself.  But there was always a reason to not go somewhere…and it had taken its toll on me, I had let it.  So, I had enough.  I felt like a lump again, and I felt like a terrible girlfriend, well, by then, we were engaged.  I remember writing him a letter, because I didn’t have the energy to say everything I wanted to say to him, to apologize for how bad I had gotten.  I wrote him the letter to say I was sorry and that I would be better and worth being with.  I said I had enough of me and that I was finally going to go to a doctor and see if I should be put on medication.

Mike and I talked a lot about it and he made me feel a lot better about trying medication.  He struggle too, and he really made me feel strong and didn’t judge me but wanted to help me feel and get better.  I remember feeling like everything he was saying he meant for himself too, but he had so much more faith in me than he had in himself.  He had such fight for me.  Left on my own, I never had the strength to make the phone calls to doctors; to find one.  He helped me, he reminded me, he wanted me to fight for myself to get better.  I found a great doctor and went on Lexapro, and had blood-work done to check my thyroid and other “stuff”…i don’t know what anymore,  regular type blood work.  Then my doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist to have me checked for Celiac Disease, which runs in my family and has depression (among many, many other things) as a symptom.  I started going to the gym regularly, and it was during this time that I went to my first Yoga class, with my sister, when I was back home in Palatine, IL for a couple of weeks.  We went to a class (I had always been interested in Yoga, but had total nervous anxiety about entering a studio) and I’ve been practicing ever since and am finishing my Yoga Teacher Training as I write this.

Turned out, I do have Celiac Disease and going to the gym regularly did make me feel worlds better.  And practicing Yoga did help me calm my mind and helped me feel more free and less anxious.  I stopped beating myself up about things I wasn’t doing.  I felt totally energized and inspired.  Somehow, at that time in my life I had gotten sick of myself enough, ashamed of myself enough, disappointed in myself enough.  But, being with Mike absolutely gave me the strength to do it.

Mike is not here anymore.  He killed himself this past July.  I often think that Mike saved me.  I often think Mike’s complete understanding of depression; how it feels, is what made him so capable of helping me.  He was telling me to do what he knew he should be doing for himself, but he didn’t feel he could do.  He always told me I was stronger than him.  I told him he was wrong.  He always told me I was better.  He always made me feel I could do this, that it could and would lift.  It was being with him that gave me the courage to do it, for myself and for us.  I would see Mike and see him in his depression and it was like looking at myself.  I have to say, I would often think I was looking at myself, and I didn’t like the look of it; the look of depression.  He helped me come out.  He helped me grow.

That’s what I remember of Mike.  That’s what I keep with me.  Not the bad times and the hard times.  Those aren’t fair to keep, I think.  He didn’t mean the bad and hard times.  He was sick, and he was screaming out for me to get better.  And for that, I thank him.  He loved me and for that I thank him.    I always thought we were each others other half.   I live now and he is gone.  He helped save me and I carry that part of him with me.  I hope he has a bit of me with him.

Thank you Mike Powroznyk, for loving me enough to tell me and help me see how to get better.  I work daily to stay better for you to be proud of me and for me to be proud of me.   I love you.  I will love you forever.

Kory

Click here to read!

As the proud karateka and budoka we like to think we are, we live and breathe the dojokun, which goes as follows for readers unfamiliar with it:

• First. Seek perfection of character
• First. Protect the way of the truth
• First. Foster the spirit of effort
• First. Respect the principles of etiquette and respect others
• First. Guard against impetuous courage and refrain from violent behavior.

This is the ground rules of karate and the dojokun holds the spirit and legacy of the japanese bushi. This means everything- and is the heart of karate for those who understand and practice the old ways. They are all equally important and none of them must be ignored.

This is what made the amazing senseis we admire around the world. Decades of virtuous training, faithfully following the way of the bushi, made them into legendary individuals.

It is sad to see many people failing miserably at this, and even worse seeing those who ignore the dojokun all together. It’s sad knowing that they spend all these years training and not really getting any better or closer to “enlightenment”. Yes, they are often great athletes and sportsmen, but they often also lack what makes the martial artist a martial artist.

But one would think that those far “up the latter”, with 30+ years of experience and more dan grades than you can count on one hand, would be a pretty good role model. Many of which are sensei/instructor of their own schools/clubs, the kingpins of your district, the ones that should be your guide on the right path. But no … that seems not always the case unfortunately.

We often hear about clenches between associations, some epic and some miniscule. Also, these individuals in question struggle within their own groups. We have all heard about the split of JKA when sensei Nakayama M. passed away, where the successors could not come together and decide the future direction of the JKA. Many of us have also experienced club level clenches, where clubs have split into several smaller clubs just because the instructors/leaders dont get along.

What happened to the dojokun then? What happened to “respect others”, “protect the truth” and the rest of the lot? It seems they think the dojokun is like a hat you can take on and off as you see fit. It seems the temptation of taking the easy way out becomes to great and the spirit of the dojokun is silently pushed aside.

It is a real “downer” to realize that in some ways you have come further on your path than your role models and mentors. When you can see weaknesses in character you would think they should have overcome decades ago, individual traits you for sure would not think they possessed.

All of a sudden you need to reevaluate your standing in the hierarchy and how you should relate and react to what is going on in your environment. What would be the right thing to do? You, yourself do not want to take the dojokun-hat off of course so you need to respect them as they are “others”, but will it then be possible to protect the way of truth at the same time? You will not be true to yourself, nor your fading role model for that matter if you let your integrity disintegrate. Am I dreaming if I think that everyone should be able follow the dojokun (as a way of life)? Do I have faulty perception of human capabilities?

I will have to find new role models I guess, someone “further up the hill”. Not sure who this will be yet, maybe a topic for a later blog All I can do for now is to be my own role model and proudly wear my dojokun-hat knowing that I have a bit more integrity than many others.

I set up this blog many months ago to practice writing and to help me get a job. But then soon after I became scared of publishing entries for fear of judgement and failure despite its small, highly-supportive audience.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned from my improv classes at the Impatient Theatre Company, it’s that this is a safe place for me to try things. I stand to gain more by continuing to try and feel embarrassed about little efforts than hiding and not publishing anything at all.

So you’ll see a new series of stories. Some will be clippings I recently published or finally found online. Others will be new commentary on current events and pop culture, like the excellent ones done by Karon Liu.

But finally, the last story idea I have will allow for me to communicate more with others offline as well as publicly track my efforts in the journalism industry.

In my travels, I’ve always collected postcards. I’ve offered to mail them to friends from places like Jamaica, Italy, Paris and Germany. Everyone likes getting something in the mail that’s not a bill or flier advertisement. But very rarely do I get responses back.

So after finding about two dozen of them in my room I’m offering up the chance for people to receive postcards and letters in the mail again. We can be friends already, know each other on twitter or total strangers. I’m willing to send things anywhere in the world. Most will include how I’m doing in my career, such as my recent audition with Muchmusic. But there will also be funny stories about my life, comments about news, music or any other reasonable request.

I only ask that some sort of reply be sent through the mail. And those who don’t will have their postcards put up on the blog.

In the age of Twitter, Facebook, email, instant messaging and even ubiquitous cell phones, it feels like letters, postcards and penpals have almost been wiped out. Let’s bring them back.

You can send me your address at email [dot] karen [at] gmail [dot] com, message me on twitter at @karenkho, or commenting below.

Can there be hope that man will find his way when he is confounded by boundless bureaucracies set up by half-men to stifle his betters? Can man cast off his ignorance and insatiable need for conformity so that he might become something better then he thinks he can be? Can man come to see that what he is now is not the pinnacle of his progression?

The answer is clear, NO!
Or at least not as a whole.

It is obvious that man is stratified and that the majority seeks ease above all else and thus they are incapable of forcing man forward. There is a very sparse minority who are capable and their numbers are dwindling and before they perish from the earth they must make an attempt for survival and then force a move beyond.

When man can finally embrace the idea that the incapable must be allowed to fall and that the capable must be encouraged to ascend we will know man has broken free from the waning plateau he has inhabited for so long. We will know man has evolved beyond tolerance of the void.

I Don’t Wish To See You For A Short While
I Need You To Walk The Distance, The Mile
I Need To See You For All Times In My Life
Not When You Feel For A Little ‘Invasion’
I Don’t Need Your Casual Attention
I Need More Than Your Penetration
You’re Just Someone Who Doesn’t Care
And Will Get What You Want Without Fear
Go Away With Your Frivolous Intentions
I Am Worth More Than Your Casual Temptation
I Don’t Need Your Hurried And Casual Time
I Need Someone Who Can Be With Me For All Time
Don’t Come By Because You Need A Squeeze
Don’t Make A Fool Of Yourself I Beg You Please
I Won’t Give In To Your Temptation
I Am Worth More Than Your Intentions

Written by Donique C. Perez Copyrighted 2009/11/24 All rights reserved

The title of this blog is “Poor and the City” and I didn’t pick that title for no good reason.  I wasn’t just trying to play on a popular sitcom.  I really am poor and in the city.  I really am a real person trying to make it in this city.  They say the proof is in the pudding, well here’s a helping of pudding for you:  my boyfriend was laid off today.

I believe there are two kinds of people in this city:  those who are handed everything and those who are working to earn everything themselves.  I am the latter.  I don’t write about how broke I am and then spend $200+ on UGG boots, I don’t say that I am eating a homemade meal and then go out to dinner, and when I say I am a real poor person, I don’t then whip out my Black Amex Card.  I work for everything I have and right now, I have very little.

I am the girl that goes to a potluck Thanksgiving because it’s cheaper than hosting my own.  I am the girl that keeps trying to fix my TV set so I don’t have to buy a new one.  And I am the girl that goes outlet shopping and sticks to a budget, only to find out that her boyfriend lost his job and so any spending will put us in the red.

Some people look down on me and my boyfriend.  A struggle like ours is something they would never want.  The idea of living paycheck to paycheck makes them sick and the idea of sharing a studio apartment with some one makes them cringe.  Two people living in one room is tough and putting all of the money you earned towards bills is heartbreaking.   But this is my life, this is my reality and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Perhaps I struggle more than most of the residents of Williamsburg and the Village.  Perhaps I don’t have the luxury of not needing a 9-5 job so I can put all of my energy into making a documentary on an artist I love.  Perhaps I don’t have the money to eat at the Mercer Kitchen or shop in Miss Sixty.  But these people are not living a real life.  And when they look back on their many accomplishments, how much of it will they have earned themselves?  And when I get out of the red and get out of the 1 room apartment, I’ll have done it all myself and I will have worked my way up.  I will have earned everything myself.

So whenever you feel like your credit card bills will never go down, you will never find a new job or you will never pay off that student loan:  hold your chin up.  You will get there.  It won’t be easy, it will be a struggle but that will make the payoff all the more sweeter.  It’s not about the fall, it’s about how you get up after you fall.

And if you’re having a hard time in this economy, think of me.  Because I am a real person, and this holiday season, I’m right there with you.

Still havent got the hang of a daily practice. It is really hard establishing new things on my routine. I leave for work at dawn and leave work at dusk, get home to do some house chores eat and no energy left for much of anything else. I spend an hour reading or knitting, then is bed time and the cycle begins.

I think  this is one of the reasons I need a change, this can’t be life. Work  – Home – Eat – Sleep – Repeat. I need to break my routine and today I am doing water purification as soon as I get home from work, well not immediately after. One part of my routine I wont change, cuddling my cat for 10 minutes at least.

I will also do some fire meditation, I really miss that from the yoga classes. Just minding my breathing and watching a flame., clearing my head from all the garbage that is currently lodged there.

The only thing that so far is sticking is the daily tarot draw, I don’t know if it will continue to be daily but I am trying to keep it that way.

Leave with some inspiring music I like to hear when I am a bit down

I’ve been mostly writing about running, lately. It’s generally going well; I finished a five-miler tonight, and did a 5K (not a race, just me) at a hard pace on Sunday night. I’m signed up for a February half marathon.

Boston has been kind to me; at least, the people in Boston have been kind. The new job is refreshing and fun, and there are always friends to go out with, new things to discover, new sights to be seen. The other night, a friend took me to Arlington, and from the top of the highest hill, in the quiet dark, we looked over the vast expanse of Boston, its lights sparking into the distance like a rippling sea under the stars.

I’m not alone, and I’m usually not lonely. There are three cats in the house, and at least one of the four girls I live with is usually around. The presence of other people in my life is comforting.

It’s been – what? Four months. Sometimes it feels like a year since my life turned upside down, since my plans went the way of Robert Burns’ poem, since he left. Time has not been fluid. In the beginning, it was almost as if each minute took a year to pass. Now: Thanksgiving. In a couple of weeks: The winter holidays. Christmas. Chanukah. My roommate is talking about putting a tree in the dining room. New Year’s Eve plans are being discussed.

But then, four months isn’t a long time. Not compared to a year. Not compared to five years. And sometimes the pain, like a hidden wave, roils to the surface. A memory, a familiar scent, a feeling, a longing, a joke.

It takes a while, they say. It takes longer than you think, they say.

I have time, though. Time to pray, to search, to let things dissipate. I have time to run. I have time to run.

I have a chance to use an actual computer at the moment and it is nice. I closed one policy today. I need to close a lot more. I was looking through my previous blogs and saw pics of Liz. I won’t erase them because it is going to be a part of my history of how I accomplish what I accomplish but they make me so angry.

All day I focused on my work but whenever I thought about her I only got angry. Talk about a person who just left a bad taste because they were so sour and difficult with everything.

I need to stop. Stopped.

Ok, so I need some new milestones that I am setting right now. I actually have a chance to get my dog in the next 7 days if I really bust my ass and figure stuff out. He is in North Carolina and I need to figure this one out. If I can figure that out, pay the fat psycho that I owe some money to, and get money to move into my own place I will have really accomplished something. Especially if I can figure out how to work out at the same time. Oh I have to do this. Let’s put up some photos of some Milestones and see what I can accomplish.

My Bruno

As mentioned in my video on The Weight Loss Diaries channel on YouTube, here is the info about the cookbook I raved about today

You can learn more about the book and the authors here: http://www.skinnybitch.net/kitch.html

The recipe I mentioned in the video is DELISH! I can’t find the nutritional info online, but I will check the book and post it for you.

Peanut Butter Potato Chip Cookies

• 2-1⁄2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 3⁄4 teaspoon fine sea salt
• 1-1⁄2 cups evaporated cane sugar
• 1 cup refined coconut oil
• 1 cup all-natural peanut butter, chunky or smooth (whichever you prefer)
• 1⁄4 cup ice water
• 1 tablespoon molasses
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 2 cups coarsely crushed potato chips

Preheat oven to 375°F. Line baking sheets with parchment.

In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt; set aside.

In the bowl of a stand mixer or in a large bowl with a hand mixer, combine the sugar, coconut oil, and peanut butter, mixing on medium-high speed until creamy, about 3 minutes. Add the water, molasses, and vanilla, mixing until well combined. With the mixer on lowspeed, add the flour mixture in 3 to 4 additions, mixing each addition until almost fully incorporated. Add the potato chips, mixing until just combined.

Arrange 2-tablespoon-sized balls of cookie dough 2 inches apart on prepared baking sheets. Press to about 3⁄4-inch thick, then use the back of a fork to mark each cookie with a crosshatch pattern, if desired. Bake for 13 to 15 minutes, until the edges are slightly browned and the centers are set. Thoroughly cool on a cooling rack. Then eat enough to make yourself sick.

Makes about 40

I am so sorry that I’ve been MIA!  My cousins flew in this last weekend so we have company in town.  On top of an already busy schedule AND getting ready for Thanksgiving, it’s made for a crazy week!  I’m here, I’m hanging-in, I’m maintaining.  I’m NOT, however, working out like I want to be.  I’m giving myself a little grace this week but I do have a gym bag in my car so I can take advantage of any unexpected down time to get to the gym.  And next week I’ll breathe a sigh of relief over getting back to a somewhat more predictable schedule.

Saying No

I was thinking this morning about my sister, who is pregnant with her fourth child (3rd birth; her oldest is adopted).  LS (“little sis”) struggled with being overweight in high school and early in college; she lost about 40 pounds and has more or less kept it off since then.  We were talking yesterday when I was over at her place (with said company) and I commented, as so many others have, that other than baggy shirts hiding her bump, she doesn’t really look very pregnant!

LS is very self-conscious about her body and weight; she has never seemed to get over feeling like the chubby girl, even though she hasn’t been for years.  So, by extension, everyone’s fixation on her body while pregnant makes her VERY uncomfortable.  People wanting to touch her belly drives her CRAZY!  So I try not to talk about it too much, but we’re sisters and I don’t really censor myself around her, so sometimes I just say things that, if I were trying to be tactful, I wouldn’t say.

So anyways, LS replied in an offhand way, saying something like, “Well, I’m being a lot more careful about it this time; I don’t want to gain any more weight than I have to since it’s so hard for me to take off.”  And I realized, this morning, that maintaining her weight in a healthy range is not easy for LS…in fact, it’s hard work – just as hard as losing weight.

I kept thinking and realized that she probably says “no” to herself a lot.  She and I have different vices; give me chocolate ice cream, but give her pepper fried steak with sauteed mushrooms on top.  But we’re both foodies, we both love to eat, and we both grew up in a family that celebrates with food.  And yet here I am nearly 100 pounds overweight; and there LS is, at a healthy weight for most of her adult life.  What’s the difference between us?  There are a few: she never got to be as overweight as I did, she doesn’t have such a hard time with sweets, etc.

But really, the main difference between LS and me is this: she has learned to say no to herself.

When I was in therapy I talked a lot with my counselor about the petulant teenager inside me who wants what she wants when she wants it.  Period.  And how much I fight that girl on a daily basis.  I think part of that is why I have such a hard time saying no to myself. (In case you care about the history, in case it matters, I grew up in a home that was very healthy and strict about having sweets, so when I was growing up, the first thing I’d do when I got a dollar was go buy two candy bars, eat them, and dispose of the wrappers somewhere other than home, so I couldn’t be found out.  And thus a closet-eater was born.)

This morning when I stopped at Starbucks for my morning latte, I had this whole conversation with myself (internally, of course!) about wanting something sweet.   Do I want a cookie?  No, that’s 450 calories.  But so is the gingerbread – actually, it’s 500 calories!  Well, maybe I’ll get something (pumpkin bread?) and eat only half.  That wouldn’t be unreasonable, but didn’t I just last night, as I was falling asleep, think that a day free of sugar would be a good idea?  Well, that doesn’t have to be today, though, does it?  But I really want something, so I should be able to have it!  Why should I have to deprive myself?  But I don’t even love any of these sweet things; if I’m going to splurge, shouldn’t it be on something I really love?  Unless something is better than nothing.

And therein lies the struggle: in my head, it’s either something right now, damnit, or nothing.  It’s all or nothing.  It’s “good” or “bad”, black and white, balls to the wall or sitting on the couch eating Ben & Jerry’s all evening long.  This moderation thing?  I haven’t got it half figured out yet.

After all that thinking and talking, you’d think I’d have an epiphany; a magical realization for how to get “better” at all of this.  I don’t.  All I know is, I have a lot to learn.  Some of it has to do with saying “no” to myself.  Some of it has to do with letting the grown-up SRG (SeattleRunnerGirl) be in charge, and with figuring out how to get the teenage SRG to go along with that without kicking and screaming.  But part of it, too, is figuring out how to satisfy the need that teenager has without using food.  Still another part is retraining myself to realize that life doesn’t work in black & white, all-or-nothing terms.  That sometimes it really is good enough to be good enough, and not perfect.

Better get to work, hadn’t I?

Have you ever felt like you are being pushed against a wall that you feel like screaming when someone says to you that they know you very well? Do you know anyone so well, can you swear for someone and can you assume you know someone? They try to belittle you in ways to bend you into their perception of you and you may bend to the accusations. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

There are times when people assume that you are someone you are not probably because they are like the same which they have accused you of or have judged you on your past misdeed. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Don’t be moved by others perception of you. What’s important is what you believe; who you genuinely are, your ideals and principles and most importantly your truths about you. Not what others perceive you to be. Not their assumptions or preconceived notions of you probably judged on your appearance and your past. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

There are others who wish to see you fail in life and falter simply because they can’t believe that you are who you say you are. They like to climb their ladder of success while they keep pushing you down. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

They are going to assume everything inconceivably bad about you and if you love and believe in yourself, you will never be moved by it. There are those wanting to find some bad things to whisper against you, that they will make up a story about you, so convincing that it becomes believable rumors and gossip. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

There are those who will look for every corner to lay obstacles in your path to see you fail and beware some are done by your close friend as they may know you very well. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

They’ll even set you up with friends to see that you are stained, and when all fail they may create strife between you and the ones who are closest to you. Be aware of those. Reminding you again, they maybe your close friends and family. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

There are those who will smile with you and will stab you in the back as soon as you have turned you face/back with idle whispers to another. The two-faced ones. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

There are those who hate to see you climb that ladder of success, those who would see you down and can help but won’t because you will become a better person and will be a challenge to them.

There are those who hate that you are well educated and has become a force to reckon with as you are no longer spoon fed with their garbage and has become well informed and no longer depend on them to ‘nurture your mind’ like babies. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

Importantly, watch your friends who really befriend you to maliciously want to know about you, so they can talk of your confidential whispers to them. You usually know your enemies but they are sometimes in the midst and closest to your heart; the ones whom you trust with your innermost thoughts and secrets, entitled friends, but are really ‘fiends’ in disguise. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

Probably something they tried for years at and never was successful at and you did it with one whiff of a breath and has become envy and jealous of you. They may overlook the fact that what they had tried was not for them but was meant for you but some tend to walk around all their lives believing that life is unfair to them, when things they wanted were not meant for them and envy you all their lives, carry around bitterness and animosity towards you all because of jealousy and envy. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Instead of finding our purpose and enjoy and fulfill it. We tend to envy others and what they have; their jobs, status, finances and even their children/family to try to be like them or be better than them; poisoning selfish greed. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Sometimes people are jealous of you that they would cause you to lose your job, and family with false accusations leading to strife in family and jobs. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

I am always happy for others and their achievements in life as long as it’s done honestly. Your accomplishments are yours, your gifts are yours, they are distinct gifts from your design. I don’t envy others, I may see something and wish for it, but I don’t envy. There are times when you must let go off those wishes which are sometimes borne out of envy, jealousy, selfishness and greed because you want to be better than someone. However, everyone can achieve success in life.

Just don’t assume that your next door neighbor’s success will be same as yours. Try and find your purpose and distinct niche. Not saying you can’t achieve success like someone else, just don’t dwell on becoming exactly like someone because you may get what you wish for and don’t know what to do with it nor able to handle it because it was not meant for you like the one you envied as all it really was simply greed.

Don’t get discouraged by someone’s perception and opinion of you. Everyone will not love you but some will and when others find lies and misconceptions about you to make you feel small, the ones created in their minds. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Who cares of others opinion of you? Don’t stress nor lose a wink of a sleep on it, that’s their perception and that’s their business, not yours. Know who you are and believe who you are. Live who you are and love who you are. Only try to change the negative things you could change about yourself. Stop convincing others of who you are.

Stop living up to others expectations of you. Aren’t you tired of living up to others expectation, impression, perception and opinions of you? That’s their opinion. That’s their business, who cares?

You can’t please everyone and don’t go changing to fit someone’s personality, you are who you are and uniquely so.

Stop pretending to be who you are not, to appease their minds and please them.

Stop trying to keep up with the ‘Joneses’ on the outside while you are ‘bankrupt’ on the inside. Simply be the very utmost best you can be.

Stop hiding your face and hiding your face behind somebody. Show your entire face, be bold. Walk in/with your own shadow, not anyone’s.

Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

I love who I am. Every pore, way down to my core.

Written by Donique C. Perez Copyrighted 2009/11/24 All rights reserved