1. I am loved. By five-year-olds who just want to know when I’m coming home again and by big deaf women who introduce me as her daughter and pray for me everyday.

2. There is nothing too big that God can’t fix it and nothing too small that God won’t bother to fix it.

3. If God has given you a dream, He plans to fulfill it.

4. God doesn’t always give us what we want, but He always gives us what we need.

5. God may not help us when we want it or expect it, but He will always be there when we need it.

6. Even if you have a brace on, swing dancing on a sprained ankle is a horrible idea. Wait to show off that new dress until next week.

7. Never let a girl from Texas drive in the snow.

8. Never be afraid to ask for a hug.

9. Everyone has something that can you learn from them. Will you take the time to listen to find out what that is?

10. Drunk college students have no respect for one’s personal space.

11. Making a guy a sandwich at three in the morning is a guaranteed way to get a marriage proposal.

12. The people in our lives are there for a reason.

13. Never judge. Because you never know what storms God has asked them to walk through.

14. Never compare yourself to someone else. You can’t be expect to be as good as someone at something if they’ve been doing it their entire lives and you just started.

15. If God can love you with all your scars and struggles, don’t you think He can create other people who can do the same thing?

16. We are created to love and to be loved.

17. There’s nothing wrong with a good cry.

18. Ice cream helps most situations.

19. Sometimes all you need is to hear “I love you.”

20. When all else fails, call Amy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZFBl7xNXjc

you would think with how busy i am this summer that i would be super organized and all ready to take it on? uhh, wrong. my current challenge is struggling to organize my time well.

this month, i find myself becoming increasingly unaware of how my time is spent throughout the day. it’s a dangerous place to be especially because there is so much that can be done in a day. though there was a point in time that i was super organized and used my time very well i began to use my successful days as an excuse to forget the greatest reason to live and that’s for Christ.

this past weekend my pastor mentioned the importance of spending time with God and not to use the excuse of being busy as a way to withdraw from our relationship with Him. this made me think about how i approach my day-to-day activities. i can take the “fill my day with a crazy amount of tasks so i can feel like i accomplished a lot” approach but i’ve done that and i am always left feeling further and further away from God which is not the outcome i want. so, after much reflection and receiving much conviction on the matter from this past weekend, i have learned that nothing of worth will ever be accomplished in my life if God doesn’t have all of me. all my goals, my ambitious, my heart, my soul, my thoughts. everything.

so i guess the first step is admitting it. i am struggling with wasting my time. while this is not the first time i have been in this situation, i am learning what will truly make the difference and pull me away from this pattern of life. i can’t do it on my own and i know this because i continue to see my desperate need for Jesus to awaken my soul on a daily basis to remind me the importance of this life. i truly believe this will change the way i live each day. i’m praying for discipline and focus but more importantly for a life that continues to transform into the likeness of Christ.

*melody

Six Months After Hurricane Sandy, New York Making Progress Says FEMA
(Newsroom America) — FEMA says in the six months since Hurricane Sandy made landfall, significant progress has been made in New York's recovery. … The National Flood Insurance Program has paid nearly $ 3.4 billion in claims to 56,766 policyholders …
Read more on Newsroom America

What a curious phenomenon it is that you can get men to die for the liberty of the world who will not make the little sacrifice that is needed to free themselves from their own individual bondage.

Bruce Barton
Galatians 4:21-31

The Message (MSG)

21-31 Tell me now, you who have become so enamored with the law: Have you paid close attention to that law? Abraham, remember, had two sons: one by the slave woman and one by the free woman. The son of the slave woman was born by human connivance; the son of the free woman was born by God’s promise. This illustrates the very thing we are dealing with now. The two births represent two ways of being in relationship with God. One is from Mount Sinai in Arabia. It corresponds with what is now going on in Jerusalem—a slave life, producing slaves as offspring. This is the way of Hagar. In contrast to that, there is an invisible Jerusalem, a free Jerusalem, and she is our mother—this is the way of Sarah. Remember what Isaiah wrote:

Rejoice, barren woman who bears no children,
shout and cry out, woman who has no birth pangs,
Because the children of the barren woman
now surpass the children of the chosen woman.

Isn’t it clear, friends, that you, like Isaac, are children of promise? In the days of Hagar and Sarah, the child who came from faithless connivance (Ishmael) harassed the child who came—empowered by the Spirit—from the faithful promise (Isaac). Isn’t it clear that the harassment you are now experiencing from the Jerusalem heretics follows that old pattern? There is a Scripture that tells us what to do: “Expel the slave mother with her son, for the slave son will not inherit with the free son.” Isn’t that conclusive? We are not children of the slave woman, but of the free woman.

How you interpret the facts is important. A worldly young Southern Baptist went to the racetrack for the very first time. He saw a priest in the paddock give a horse a blessing. The boy took the horse’s number, placed a small bet and sure enough the horse won.

For the next several races, the boy went to the paddock, saw the priest bless a horse, placed a bet and won. On the last race of the day he repeated the routine and bet all his winnings on the anointed horse.

Rounding the final turn the horse had a sizable lead, but then he suddenly dropped dead. The young man sought out the priest to complain.

“That’s the trouble with you Baptists,” said the priest. “You don’t know the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.”

Events aren’t always what they seem on the surface. Some events in life can only be understood if the Holy Spirit explains them to us. Such is the case with Paul’s disclosure here.

The proposition that only those who by a true and living faith accept God’s promise are children of God is given its last defense with an appeal to Scripture interpretation. It is an appeal to Scripture to again prove that Christians are not under the law. He takes the familiar story of Ishmael and Isaac (Gen. 16-21) and draws from it basic truths about the Christian’s relationship to the law.

Paul uses the slave woman Hagar and her son to show that adherence to the law is slavery. The free woman Sarah and her son of promise stands for faith and freedom. The law is bondage and spiritual slavery but faith in the promise is freedom and spiritual fulfillment (CIT).

I. THE TWO SONS OF ABRAHAM, 21-23.
II. THE INTERPRETATION, 24-29.
III. THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION, 30-31.

People are saved and sanctified because of their faith in Christ, not because of what they do. Verse 21 begins a contrast between those who are enslaved by law and those who are free from law. Tell me, you who want to be under law, do you not listen to the law?

The legalistic Jews continuously promoted the indispensable necessity of keeping the law. If they had truly listened to the law they would know that it contradicted their beliefs. The word law here is without the definite article referring to a legalistic following of the Torah or Pentateuch. The lively word listen or hear carries the idea of understanding what is heard. The challenge is that if they really hear the law, meaning correctly understand and respond to it, they would not want to be under it.

Verse 22 summaries part of the story of Abraham. For it is written that Abraham had two sons, one by the bondwoman and one by the free woman.

The Jews were always boasting about being descendants of Abraham as if that relationship granted salvation. Yet those who prided themselves on their descent from Abraham forgot that he had two sons. Ishmael by Hagar and Isaac by Sarah. If physical decent from Abraham is so all–important then Jews are no better than the Ishmaelites or Arabs. Yet there is a difference, not just of mothers, but of a contrast in relationships. One was a wife and a free woman, the other a slave and a bondwoman.

A further contrast of the manner of each son’s birth is in verse 23. But the son of the bondwoman was born according to the flesh, and the son of the free woman through the promise.

Ishmael was the product of his parents’ physical power of procreation therefore he was flesh-born. He was born by the fleshly nature of Abraham and Hagar (Rom. 9:7-9). Ishmael’s birth was the result not only of a physical act but of a sinful act caused by doubting the promises of God (Gen. 16: 1-4). Ishmael thus represents all who place their hope of salvation in what they are able to accomplish, or their own works.

Isaac was the child of faith. He was the child of promise born because of a miraculous intervention on the part of God which enabled the dead seed of 99 years old Abraham and his barren wife Sarah to conceive (Rom. 4:19; Heb.11:11f). Isaac was born as a result of the promise, born by the Spirit’s enabling. The conclusion is that Isaac is a symbol of all the Spirit-born.

II. THE INTERPRETATION (24-29).

The allegory here of Ishmael and Isaac (Gen. 16:15; 21:3, 9) expresses truth embedded in the simple facts of the case in order to inform the legalists that they were related to Hagar, Sinai, and the law and did not have the authority or blessing of God.

A new understanding from the old story begins in verse 24. This is allegorically speaking, for these women are two covenants: one proceeding from Mount Sinai bearing children who are to be slaves; she is Hagar.

This story that actually took place was designed by God to convey a meaning additional to the strictly literal. An allegory ( – from allo, “another” and agorevo, “to speak” – to speak another meaning) is a narrative which has a deeper meaning behind it. In an allegory like John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress persons and actions represent hidden meanings giving the passage a symbolic as well as literal meaning.

These two women represent two covenants, one of law and one of grace. Paul begins with the covenant given at Mount Sinai which was one of law. This covenant places all who try and obtain their salvation through it in bondage and under heavy burdens. “The law, even when kept to the best of a person’s ability, is nothing but a prison, a death row cell where one waits for eternal execution”— John MacArthur.

Why isn’t law keeping enough? We were not made to know and love laws. We were made to know and love God. A mother and a father do not gain a sense of parental fulfillment because their infant doesn’t climb over the side of his play pen. What they long for is a smile, a giggle of recognition, and a hug of affection. As that baby grows, obedience to household rules is not a fitting replacement for a warm relationship with his mom or dad. Taking out the garbage or cleaning up a room is no substitute for the words “I love you.” So too, what God wants from us is not mechanical adherence to certain regulations, no matter how noble. He wants us, He longs for our love and our loyalty.

Hagar, who represents fleshly birth and the covenant of law, also represents the earthly Jerusalem in verse 25. Now this Hagar is Mount Sinai in Arabia and corresponds to the present Jerusalem, for she is in slavery with her children.
Both Hagar and Mount Sinai can produce nothing but slaves. In line with Hagar and Mount Sinai is the present day earthly Jerusalem and her children, the third element of the comparison. Jerusalem, the center of legalistic religion and the place of fulfilling Sinai’s law, is a place of enslavement for her children, for they imagine that by stringent obedience to this legal code – with emphasis on its ceremonial regulations and man made additions– they can achieve entrance into heaven.

They failed to see that the cross of Christ signaled the end of the old covenant and the beginning of the new. They failed to believe that God accepted them solely on the basis of faith, not because they kept rules and regulations. They were bound to earth and the earthly and had rejected the heavenly and spiritual.

The place of realized redemption for the God’s born again children is connected to the new Jerusalem in verse 26. But the Jerusalem above is free; she is our mother.

The heavenly Jerusalem is the mother of all the children of grace. This new Jerusalem which one day will descend to be the eternal city of glorified believers (Rev. 21:2) is now the “city of the Living God” (Heb. 12:22). The Jerusalem above symbolically is the mother of God’s children. Heaven is the church’s mother for it was heaven that gave birth to her children.

This Jerusalem is free (Jn. 8:36). She has been delivered from every form of bondage and enjoys perfect peace in the presence of her Lord. She is the mother, both of the Jews and the Gentiles who have placed faith in God’s promise. Legalistic Jews are really brothers with the Ishmaelites. Those born from above are true Israelites (Rom. 9:6-7; 1 Pet. 2:1-10).

Verse 27 teaches that the children of the barren woman will be fruitful. For it is written, “REJOICE, BARREN WOMAN WHO DOES NOT BEAR; BREAK FORTH AND SHOUT, YOU WHO ARE NOT IN LABOR; FOR MORE NUMEROUS ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE DESOLATE THAN OF THE ONE WHO HAS A HUSBAND.”

To support his point Paul quotes Isaiah 54:1. It originally prophesied the changing fortunes of Israel and pictured spiritual restoration and growth after the Babylonia captivity. Paul seems to be applying this passage to Sarah who though previously barren was later blessed with a child who ultimately would have numerous children.

Spiritual barrenness for those under the old covenant was the norm. For they married themselves to the law instead of to God. Under the new covenant spiritual fruitfulness is the norm for the children of promise.

Verse 28 begins the teaching on the outcome of believing in God’s promise and living out God’s promis. And you brethren, like Isaac, are children of promise.

Here again Paul affectionately addresses them as brothers. They like Isaac, by virtue of the promise realized in him, are children of promise. They are Abraham’s legitimate sons, the true heirs. As children of the promise, they should live in light of the promise and not the law.

Verse 29 points out another similarity between us and Abraham’s two sons. But as at that time he who was born according to the flesh persecuted him who was born according to the Spirit, so it is now also.

On the occasion of Isaac’s weaning at three years of age, Ishmael mocked or mistreated Isaac (Gen. 21:10). Because of the in-fighting Hagar and Ishmael promoted, Sarah demanded that Abraham cast out Hagar and her son.

The persecution that existed in Abraham’s household is like the persecution of those in bondage to sin bring upon those free from sin even now. Paul and other Spirit-filled believers had experienced its bit and venom.

The persecution of the descendants of Ishmaelites and the Jews is still fierce. Just as the persecution of legalists against the Spirit-filled still is fierce today.

III. THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION, 30-31.

God rejects legalism as verse 30 indicates. But what does the Scripture say? “Cast out the bondwoman and her son, for the son of the bondwoman shall not be an heir with the son of the free woman.”
Sarah gave the order and God approved of it (Gen.21:10, 12). Ishmael had stayed in the home for at least 17 years and it might appear his stay was permanent, but he eventually had to be cast out. The two pairs could not remain together and no reconciliation was possible.

Law and grace cannot be mixed. The bondwoman and her son have no inheritance with the son of the free woman. A religion based on works is incompatible with one based on faith.

Verse 31 confirms the true heirs of heaven. So then, brother, we are not children of a bondwoman, but of the free woman.
In closing, Paul affirmed that he and the Galatian believers were not children of the slave woman who was driven away and denied a share in the inheritance. Rather they are believers and children of the free woman, “heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ” (Rom. 8:17).

In Alex Haley’s epic book ROOTS Kizzy Kinte didn’t have a chance. She [was the daughter of Kunta Kinte &] wanted to slip the bonds of slavery and live free, as her ancestors had done in Africa. But she couldn’t. She was born of a slave-woman, Bell Kinte, and in those terrible days of bondage, she was destined to live as a slave. Kizzy’s parentage, over which she had no control, dictated her destiny.

Paul used an analogy of an Old Testament story to help us understand bondage and freedom. Alluding to the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar, Paul explained the difference between the child of a bondwoman and the child of a freewoman. Only the child of the freewoman could enjoy an inheritance; the other was destined to bondage.
Here’s the point: each of us-male or female, Jew or Gentile, black or white, rich or poor-can share in God’s inheritance.

All who trust in Jesus as Savior become children of the free woman. We are released from the bondage of the law of God and offered God’s grace instead. And our inheritance is freedom in Christ (Jn. 8:31-44).
Has God’s grace made you free?
Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee. -Sleeper

The law has its place in God’s plan. It is not the goal to put a road sign that tells us we have failed and need Jesus. We should not be chained to this warning sign, nor should we try to chain others to it. We should attach our life to the life of Christ instead.

It was Abraham’s faith in God’s promise that made him right with God. By works of law no one can be right with God and the law lacks power to transform anyone.

The man who makes law the principle of his life makes himself a slave attempting to satisfy this task master. The one who surrenders his self reliance to the grace of God is born from above. Only those born of the Spirit are sons of God and only sons receive an inheritance in God. This present inheritance is demonstrated in a love for God that has a constraining and freeing power that those who adhere to the law cannot know.

I found this photo of Death Valley it reminded me of the ‘long road’ sermon but unlike the Long Road in life we cant see where we are going. I figure on these Roads, we often stop, or stall, some of us may even go backwards, such are the difficulties in life. One of my friends took years on her long road to having children, overcoming lots of problems to finally having two beautiful babies.

But I guess the best of taking a Long Road is the people we meet along it, that is, if we stop to spend time with them or letting them join us on the journey, or better still getting to support them on their long roads. Some people who travel with us are not only special but what I call Soul Mates, my belief being that we have more than one Soul Mate (it’s not a romantic term in my understanding) no its men and women who just know us (or we think they do) stand with us through the stops and stalls and help us be who we were meant to be. Put just in the right place to make our lives better and less lonely.

I read a few suggestions of what Soul Mates are and these are the ones that spoke to me, “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life” Yes frightening as this is I think its true.

Another said “A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave”.

But the best one for me came from another favourite book of mine ‘Eat, Pray and Love’, by Elizabeth Gilbert she said “A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” phew and I thought the road was difficult alone, seems that its difficult with Soul Mates too. But growing and learning how to navigate these Long Roads is education in itself. .

The education like the road takes time, which doesn’t fit with my impatient personality, I should have learnt how to walk/run these roads at school but didn’t. Neil Gaiman said “I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.” well said Neil!

So perhaps the education is life itself, with the support is our Soul Mates and my missing patience? Well that may never be achievable, not even on a Long Road…….

I’m thinking about my next destination
I’m wondering what wedding gift ill buy
I’m not sure if I’m working yet tomorrow
I’m not sure how ill look or what I’ll want to wear
I’m wondering if I should just keep driving
I’m questioning my last response
I’m confused about what I should be doing next…

And so as a result I realized I am tired. But then I asked myself, what am I doing when I’m not thinking about all this….

I’m singing out loud
I’m exercising
I’m taking pictures
I’m visiting my Grampy
I’m creating projects
I’m building on my strengths, my happiness, my friendships.

I read a article today about how our generation has been lied to for years. We’ve been told that with an education we will have success; the majority of my friends are well educated and are struggling to find work. This article told me very clearly that it is all a lie; friends, we’ve been lied to. We need to erase that idea that an education equals good paying jobs…the article said everyday we are building our selves, everyday we have opportunities but often deny them because we believe it isn’t the “right” one. Each opportunity we have we should grab on to it, but we should never stop searching for more and we should continue to maximize our potential, but each day is the building blocks to our life. We are life long learners and explorers. We need to take the small jobs, the less paying job, the job that nobody wants…because it is another block to add to our life of experiences, appreciation, and another block that tells another story about you. I recently accepted a really funny job that makes me laugh out loud every time I think of it…it wasn’t at all planned, and it all happened very unexpectedly, but to me that is the most important part; who cares if its minimum wage, part time and some what embarrassing? It’s going to give me something to look forward to, meet new people, and help me have a new appreciation for a new field of work. One day ill post a photo for you of me at my really funny new job

So then I got thinking about those things that Im doing when Im not running my mind into exhaustion;

Each picture I take tells me a story, it may be the right one, it may be wrong, it may be entirely made up but I see beauty and inspiration in every single one. I take pride in finding the little angles that tell the story just right. I do it all because it makes me happy and I feel accomplished when I’m done, I get excited about feedback and I get excited for the next time, what do you do that gives you butterflies of excitement inside? If I didn’t pursue this interest of mine I feel a part of me would be missing, I’m interested in pursuing it at a more personal and professional level someday and that will remain a goal of mine, and I will continue to work on it more and more so that each day I’m finding new opportunities and fulfilling goals that are important to me.

Lately I’ve been struggling with my job as a supply teacher, I sometimes refer to myself as a glorified babysitter. But as the year is coming to an end, and the students are getting ansy, so am I. I almost started loosing sight of why I’m there – whether I am their regular teacher, supply teacher, subject teacher or glorified babysitter; students remember you for what you say, and how you respect them. Students want to know more and learn more, students are creators and inventors just like we are; I’m looking for more and I find it in my photography, my writing, my work- why? Because I take pride in it, because I’m engaged and I’m interested, I want my students to find the same passion in their learning. If its just one day or one hour that I spend with them, if I can help them find a part of who they are in my lessons by creating, or inventing, or acting the concepts, the ideas, if its something they remember and something that inspires them to learn and discover more, because it is now important to them; then that is what I am there for.

As I’m searching for the best version of myself and the most logical answers to my questions, it is helping me find answers in other aspects of my life; never stop doing what you love, never loose sight of your dreams, and never stop pursuing your goals. Be a part of your life journey, life learning and life lessons.

I will be a full time teacher is some shape or form of this world; I will teach.
I will pursue photography because pictures capture precious moments that help me make sense of our world.
I will create opportunities and I will take chances to find daily success, happiness and love for everything, and everyone around me.

So long may long weekend, tomorrow is a new day

floraexplora*

That kind of sums up my mondays.

They are mental – and yesterday was no exception.

I had to do the three hour round trip to the big town so that we could see the asthma specialist for OFG.

It was well worth it – he was a lovely locum who had some 40 years experience in Asthma.

We finally got a diagnosis, action plan and a medication plan.

I got back in time to put dinner on, keep the loads of washing through (we have a weekend’s worth on monday as there is no washing machine at our place.

I got TFG off the bus and then did the 80min round trip to Scouts.

She loves Scouts and whilst I am reserved about my newly appointed role as Leader in training (it is confronting to face up to my fears), I think it is much better to have children involved in community organisations earlier, rather than just sport.

I was so exhausted when I got home that when the husband announced that he’d come down with TFG’s cold (she was ill over the weekend) and felt like he’d been hit in the head with a bit of wood…well I just said – time for bed.

He couldn’t sleep though – too much blackberry syrup, so he did the final clean up for me and hung out the last load of laundry.

Bless him.

I woke up at about 4am and the fire had gone out (the chilling cold woke me) so we scrambled to relight it and then curled back into bed for a short while as it got started.

Luckily it was warm by the time I was getting dressed so I could bake a little as I scrambled into cold clothes.

Three layers later and I was whipping up some pancakes for breakfast and had a Tardis teapot full of hot tea waiting.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been waking up with Urticaria but my not allowing myself to scratch them means they have remained fairly subdued and easy to hide under winter layers.

The stress is definitely getting to me – the jokes I crack are suddenly hilarious to me and the husband (a sure sign we are sliding a bit).

The dog, sitting like a penguin with his back feet sticking up, makes me laugh till my stomach hurts.

Mmm…definitely need to alleviate the stress!

Yesterday the husband told me he’d received his rejection letter for the job.

I rated it (I got into the habit of doing this as an editor because people are as bad at writing job rejection letters as they are at writing job application letters) and it scored a 3 (10 being way too wordy and gushy, 1 being rude and completely extreme in its minimalist and in-human approach).

On the way to the asthma appointment we discussed what this meant (no thing happens without a reason).

We came up with the following scenarios:

* We are meant to travel in an outrageously unconventional family life – hitting the road in a camper bus or following the Vintages around the world.

* We aren’t ready to live in a one bedroomed shack sliding gently into the clay base – we’ve been given time (although, strangely not the means) to prepare a better situation.

* We are meant to help these people (no matter how pleasant and undeserving they may seem to us) save their business before we move onto the next person or people we are meant to cheer up immensely (the human angel scenario is a rather cheering one if you are feeling blue btw).

Later an email comes through from my step-dad (seriously, he is the most optimistic person and awesome to have on your cheer team at times like these) saying that there is something better on the way.

It seems a gloomy sort of a way to mark our 8th wedding anniversary – but on the actual day (sunday) I yanked out weeds and cleared huge areas of garden whilst the husband (all 6 foot 4 inches of him) balanced precariously on the roof, sealing up the many holes so that the house is water tight now.

It felt so good to get something done – and it didn’t require any money so we could achieve it right away.

The kids started out just playing in their favourite climbing tree but slowly they moved in every increasing circles.

Suddenly we owned the space, they were clambering about in the old laundry troughs, digging holes in the rain softened clay and (this made me smile a lot) arranging plant and besser brick seats for themselves next to my sitting pot (very large black, plastic plant pot turned upside down to create seat to sit on and stare at the unruly garden to plan and dream).

There is now a small collection of “seats” with besser brick foot rests and drink holders and who knows what else right next to my garden shed.

TFG announced hers was so comfortable she could even do yoga on it.

For the first time in a long time we’d made it to our house straight from picking TFG up from school.

As I sat, waiting for the bell to go, I watched fat Rosellas and Rainbow Parrots hobble about in the grass, yelling to each other like drunk footy fans.

Despite their many colours you couldn’t see how many there were until they moved.

OFG has been loving what we fondly call the “Steinerisation” of our day, life.

He has been singing all the songs I’ve been doing in our morning song circle with him to the husband – who is still slightly bemused but ever more supportive after realising what good it does us all.

I printed up the food sheets – everyone is very excited about colouring in boxes when they eat something and it has done exactly what I wanted it to do…they are taking responsibility for their food each day.

This morning it was discussed as to how TFG could make up her serves for dairy (I’ve explained that three serves of ice cream each day just doesn’t cut it) and she was shovelling her breakfast in (usually she doesn’t get to finish it before the bus comes) so that she could colour in a square for it.

It was quite shocking to see how unbalanced our diet was, all those empty squares, when we first started.

So, despite the complete bedlam that is monday, it seems we are still ticking along quite okay.

I have a bag of feijoas from the green grocer and a warm fire…what  more could a girl ask for?

Any way! In the process of God’s transformation in my life, He has been dealing with each thing, step by step, one thing at the time, as I allowed him to cleanse me. Did you realize that? He can NOT do it if you do not let him! I have had to realize this myself. And it works in every area of my life, one at the time!

As I have struggled  and I mean really struggled with this ONE, I will be sincere on telling you that I tried so hard to change, I had confessed so many times to my Father that I COULD NOT DO IT. I prayed, I made notes to myself, wrote Bible verses that would help me remember in the moment I was tempted, and NOTHING worked. Sammy and I argued about it many times, he tried to help me, but it did no good. We would make agreements on how to handle the situation, then I was back where I started!

One day, desperate, I asked God to do something because I was tired of trying. I did not know what to expect of course, but I have learned to believe him, because if I dispose myself to Him, HE WILL ANSWER!

Some weeks passed by, and everything continued as before, I would “dominate” my problem for a while, then I would fail terribly! I told my Father, DO SOMETHING!!! PLEASE!!!!

One day, it came by surprise  it came as something I did not expect, GOD REMOVED THE SOURCE OF MY TEMPTATION! When I noticed what had happened I was hurt for a few days, I missed it, it was like someone had cut off part of my freedom. But in a few days I recognized the truth, GOD HAD DONE IT! So I immediately thanked Him.

All of a sudden I felt free! I could let it go! My problem is not necessarily bad, but I took it to an extreme that was hurting my husband; he tried to help me but did not want to hurt me. God knows what is necessary for each one of us in each situation, I am so grateful, and trusting Him completely in this thing, I can not express how much!

God knew I could not handle this on my own, I was given it a very good try! But could not do it! So he took matters into his own hands! HALLELUJAH! HE IS A FAITHFUL GOD, AND A WONDERFUL FATHER.

THANK YOU FATHER FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME AND FOR MAKING ME YOUR DAUGHTER. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME!

If you don’t have skin, you probably struggle, too.

Life isn’t easy.  At all.

Sure, there are bright and happy moments.  Like wedding days full of sunshine. Summers with bubbles and lightning bugs.

But seriously.  Struggles can eclipse the joys of life.

As is typical for me, I am struggling with transitions.  There are so many on the horizon and some even going on right now.

For instance, The Hunk and I both get a little sad when campus students leave for the summer.  Borderline depressed, actually.  We actually like those kids. A lot. Even when they frustrate us and remind us of how old we are–even though we really aren’t that old.

This and other transitions are really taking a lot of our brain time.  How do we help people who will be left in the wake of our transitions? How do we join in together with a new purpose when neither of us really know what that will even look like at this point? Should we buy a house? That’s another transition; are we ready for that? How do we help those around us deal with their transitions, too? How do we really know that these transitions are timely?

So, there you have it.

What are you struggling with?

Love,

This could mean so many things for so many people.  Somethings that seem little and not important could be huge and very important for someone else.

At this point in time there are probably a number of things I could go on and on about but I wanted to pick one or two things I am struggling with and elaborate on those.

1. My weight – This is something that is discussed on my blog every week.  I have really started working out a ton and trying to watch what I eat and make more healthy food choices.  It is definitely not easy and it is something that is going to take a while.  It isn’t something that is just going to happen over night (I wish it did) but I know that it is something I want to change and keep working on so I am not going to give up.  I joined a group called Mamavation where you can find support from other women doing the same thing you are.  You share blog posts and ideas on workouts and eating healthy and it really is just a great community of women to where you can find support and help others along the way.  The important thing to remember is that even though you are looking for help in certain areas you don’t realize the things you have overcome and how you could be the person helping others as well.

2. My “job.”  This is something I definitely struggle with every day.  I have my ups and downs and usually wind up just trying to throw it out the window so I don’t have to think about it.  In 2009 my husband and I were both laid off with a mass production cut at our facility.  When it first happened we were both freaking out a little bit because we had no idea what we were going to do and we had just delivered our twins 3 months early.  We knew right away that I was going to have to stay at home and prepare for the girls to come home and when they did come home they were going to need a ton of attention for all the contraptions they were going to be coming home on.  It sort of worked out perfect for me because I was able to collect unemployment while staying home with the girls.  Matt went straight to work at his previous job and then found a better job a few months later (very thankful for that).  At that time I decided to start my own photography company.  I loved taking pictures and wanted to give it a shot and try to see what happened.  I am still doing my photography today and am at a perfect pace right now for where I want to be.  I still stay at home with the girls as well. 

This is where my “struggle” comes in.  We don’t necessarily live paycheck to paycheck but we don’t have a ton of extra money to do what we want either.  We have debt just like everyone else and we are working to pay that off which is the biggest struggle EVER.  With me not working we get one income and have to live off of that, which is fine but very hard to try to pay things off.  I feel like sometimes I am letting my family down because I am capable of getting a job and I am not doing it.  My photography is a job but it is here and there.  I could go a few months with no income and then hit a month with $2,000 income.  It all depends on what sessions I have coming in.  At the same time I can’t imagine going to work because I feel like no matter what kind of job I get, all my income would go to a babysitter or daycare for the girls.  So is it really such a good idea to go out and get a job to pay daycare and have the same amount of income coming in or stay at home with the girls and cherish those special moments I get to spend with them?

What are your struggles??

Mel

Shew, had to get that off my chest. But truly, I was in a state of confusion and thanks to Lilly for making sense of my mutterings! I believe it was the PTB (powers that be) who brought me to the blogging world and connected me with so many wonderful, caring and understanding people. I thank them daily.

Day 7, been here before, hope to NEVER be here again. I cry for those who have relapsed. I do. It breaks my heart as I want so much to see everyone succeed. So many have. I know the rest of us are right behind them. With them as our teachers and sources of inspiration, we will always forge ahead and never give up. Makes me think of the saying, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Well, if that’s the case, it takes a sober community to help the fallen. And I feel so much a part of this community. I’m very proud to be a part of it and to share together our wins and loses.

Faster, faster, faster, faster……

This is how my mind feels at times; like a hamster in a wheel running faster and faster with no end in sight.  The same thoughts running over and over in my mind.  I just want off the wheel, but I feel as if I can’t stop running.

Sounds crazy, huh?  But for me it is a reality that I did not choose, nor would I wish on my worst enemy.  These attacks do not happen all the time, but unfortunately, the episodes come without warning.  The sad fact is I know the cause of the episodes; multiple autoimmune disorders that have resulted in several of my major organs not to function properly, which has led to hormonal imbalances, depression, anxiety and of course chronic pain.  However, even though medically I know the cause of my irrational thoughts and mental weakness at times, it does not make it any easier.  I still feel like I am one good episode from snapping like a twig!

When I first started experiencing my “mental” episodes, I literally felt like I had lost my mind.  My entire personality and outlook on life changed forever.  I withdrew socially and hid in my own private hell.  I did not want to talk to anyone about what I was experiencing because of an intense fear of judgement; which unfortunately is a reality in society when it comes to mental weakness/illness. I fought a long battle and finally received the answers I so desperately thought I wanted to hear; the diagnosis of multiple autoimmune disorders that mimics and causes mental struggles. The answers did not bring the comfort I had hoped, but only made me realize I would be battling for the rest of my life or until The Lord heals me!

I can say without a doubt, The Lord has grown me through out this 7 year trial and forever changed me. I don’t know if I would have ever truly learned to entirely depend on Him, had it not been for my trials and desperation. I learned to really pray, because I had no hope or strength to make it each day. I learned to have faith, when everything around me crashed and burned. The Lord taught me to depend on Him to calm the storm in my mind and body instead of wandering around aimlessly in my own desert. I learned to choose each day to have true joy in my heart that can only come from The Lord, even when I am not “happy” with my circumstances. I have learned to fight with the weapons of The Lord, in order to keep my sanity and sustain my mind in the darkest of days.
I have learned that the Joy of The Lord is truly my strength; especially on the days when my mind is like a Hamster in a Wheel.

Psalm 94:19
The Message (MSG)
16-19 Who stood up for me against the wicked?
Who took my side against evil workers?
If God hadn’t been there for me,
I never would have made it.
The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,”
your love, God, took hold and held me fast.
When I was upset and beside myself,
you calmed me down and cheered me up.

On my darkest, most painful days, I still cling to the promise of The Lord and know in my heart that He is always with me and there is not a battle He can not win or bring me through with victory. Seek the blessing and gift in each day Be blessed.

We base everything off these single moments in time.

Driving in cars with boys, while he whispers ‘sweet nothings’ to your heart.                                                                                        Talking of all the beautiful things the two of you will do together.                                                                                                                Kissing him before he drives away, as you walk into your house with a smile on your face and hope in your heart.                      To only have that reality shattered when you wake up the next day and he avoids &  ignores ; pretends that the previous night only had meaning to you.                                                                                                                                                                                                         So you grow cold.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Your heart is filled with sadness, which you consider a blessing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              You no longer believe.

You No Longer Believe In Love.
You No Longer Believe In Hope.                                                                                                                                                                                     You Only Believe In Sadness. In Lies for those are the only lovers who have ever stayed true.

You hear these words, that mirror emotions from boys who are trying to imitate men.                                                                         And for a flicker of a second, you begin to believe again…                                                                                                                                                                                                       In Love… In Sex… In Pleasure… In Happiness… In Hope…

Sadness is No Longer.

Yet, it doesn’t last. It never does. That moment is snatched away..

By the discovery that these words have no emotional attachment..

“Where is this love? I can’t see it, I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words” – Patrick Marber, Closer

The Anger returns. The Sadness returns. The Hate returns.

You struggle trying to figure out what you mean to these people.

These people who care nothing of your emotions or thoughts or sadness.

And finally, you give up.

Your sadness becomes your drug; the one thing that lets you know that somehow you are still alive.

Then finally you meet Silence, accompanied by The Unanswerable Questions.

You question everything you have ever heard, felt, said, thought, experienced.                                                                                      You question whether you are actually living in “reality”, “normality” or this fantasied existence that your conjured based off a single flickering moment of bliss.

Silence is a constant guessing game with assumptions and misconceptions being the major contestants.                                You never know what is swirling around in the mind and heart of other, but fear of the unknown stops you from asking.

You know what you feel, but you’re always too afraid to express.                                                                                                                  You know what you want, but you never seem to find the courage to share.

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all” — Eleanor Roosevelt 

You let “it” tear you apart.                                                                                                                                                                                                                You let “it” take everything from you because it was easy.

You figure, eventually  ”Normal” will arrive and take me away from here.

“The Soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to Silence the Mind” — Caroline Myss 

Getting real and honest can be a hard thing, as it makes me vulnerable.  It shows others what I am struggling with, but isn’t that how we encourage and challenge one another?  It’s vulnerabilities, recognizing that we aren’t perfect, that brings people together.  Those who appear to have everything together seem intimidating, because we all know that no one is perfect; we all have our flaws and wrongdoings.

If you have been with me for a little, you know that my husband and I recently moved out to Colorado, leaving my job in Pennsylvania behind.  I thought I would have no problem finding another job.  I mean living near a large city provides ample opportunities for jobs, right?  I never thought that trying to find a job out here would take so long, or that I would be under-qualified for positions that I could do back in Pennsylvania.

In reality, it only has been about two months, but that feels like a long time.  During this time I have been trying to figure out what I want in life, where I see myself, what I want to do.  And I don’t feel like I necessarily have clarity besides that I do want to have a family and I want to be a mother.  Job wise at this moment…I’m not sure.  I’m praying for clarity and direction.

So back to the question…what am I struggling with?  Relying on God and walking in faith, completely trusting Him without holding back, even though I do not know what my future will hold or what it will look like.  I am learning to let go of the reigns and take a back seat.  I know that He has a richer future planned out for me if only I follow Him completely without telling Him where I think I should be.  While this lesson is hard for me as I am a planner, this struggle is not one that I would do without.  It is growing me into a better person.

I know that my future will be even better than I could have ever imagined if I let go of my self-restraint.

 Reflection from February 10, 2008 @ 26 Yrs

RE:  THE BLESSINGS AND CURSE OF BIPOLAR TIDINGS

I feel mean today and I think I’m saying mean things because I’m hurting.  Why am I hurting you might ask?  Well I’ll tell you, hmm…I’m hurting today because I’m not satisfied with my life – it’s not nearly as glamorous as I would’ve anticipated, and really it’s not even glamorous at all.

I have no money, I have no friends, I’ve had entirely too much useless education, I’m not dating nor am I ever in a situation where I might even meet a guy, I have no friends here, I don’t go out (ever), I have no new clothes, I live at home, I have nowhere to go, nothing to do and no one to see.  I view life with endless disdain and have very few experiences to have taught me otherwise.  I’m tired of waiting it out; I’m tired of telling myself to see it through because things will get better.  Things may get better, but it’s never enough.  Nothing is ever enough.

Ah ha.  This was an interesting thought, which incidentally I’ve thought before and perhaps written about before, but even so, it’s worth the reiteration.  I think more often than not, that I wish I would have been able to be more social and make more friends and enjoy other people all my life, but the fundamental issue I have with that line of thought (and thank god really – otherwise I might really be f@#cking depressed), is that wishing I’d been able to be some other way is no different than wishing I’d been someone else entirely.  And the problem I have with wishing I were someone else entirely is that if I have to be alive, there’s no one else I’d rather be than, of course, me.  Which seems awfully inconsistent coming from a young woman who’s had mental issues for all 26 of her years, but I’ll tell you – never in my entire life have I met or even seen a person as profoundly beautiful as am I.  Which really all kinds of blows my f@#cking mind; I mean that’s really something I’m gonna need to let marinate in my mind before I can even think about explaining myself in any coherent sort of manner.

I keep thinking how Stella said (before she quit talking to me in January), that it’s impossible to describe, but sometimes when I talk and am really passionate about something, that I almost talk poetry or something of the sort.  People don’t really tell me things like that, and it makes me think I might actually possess at least part of the gift my grandiose feelings tell me I’ve got, since it’s coming from someone, one of the few people in my life, that have gotten at one point or another, to know me through and through.

I feel like she loathes telling me things like that, almost like she thinks I should already know it, she doesn’t want to encourage me for fear of my own arrogance or her own particular sense of self-loathing.  I don’t know, it’s such a weird feeling I get from her in this regard, but I don’t know that I’ll ever forget sophomore year in college when she told me she wishes she felt passionately about life the way I do.  It’s almost funny in light of the cost with which passion and creativity come.  I don’t know that I’d wish this talent on anyone else, this ability to see life with such passion and ardor, because with such an ability also comes a sentence of suffering and almost constant pain from nothing but my own being.

It’s funny how truly I understand what Kurt Cobain meant when he said he wished he were so easily amused.  I think most people in my life are amused with such simple things because they don’t need meaning in their life to justify the pain of existence.  Some people live and breathe and do things and spend time with other people and go to places and really that’s all they need in life, to be immediately amused.  But others, ohh others live not in constant comfort, but rather the opposite and need more in order to sustain.

People commit suicide because living is far more painful than facing the mystery and finality that come with death.  What most people don’t understand, in regard to suicide, is that it really, in most cases, has nothing to do with circumstance at all.  It has to do with consciousness, namely, an inherently painful consciousness – a concept that cannot be fully understood, without ever having first been felt.  People fundamentally misunderstand the underlying premise of suicide, but judge all the same because they think they know what it’s like.  They have no idea, and if they did, they’d be singing a different song altogether I’m quite sure.

Classy is a foreign word in this area. I have always wondered is it just my mall that attracts the crazies or is it every mall? Literally every single day I have to deal with two or three of the strangest people ever. The majority of these people are the old men who ask so many personal and awkward questions. “Hey sweet heart? Whats a pretty thing like you doing out here?” “So how old are you, cutie?” Fortunately for me I look pretty young so I can easily lie about my age. Once a man who was clearly hitting on me asked my age and I told him 17, to which he apologized for hitting on me and left. I know I am not the only one who has to deal with this. I’ve watched many of my co-workers fend off these men as well.

For my job I actually have to sample my product to the mall goers. It isn’t a cheap product and these people aren’t exactly the richest. I am lucky when I can get people to spend more than $50. Some of the worst people to sample to are teenagers. I know the majority have no money to spend except maybe the $5 their parents handed them when they dropped them off at the mall. My mall has a bad infestation of Mall Rats. In case anyone is unaware of what a Mall Rat is, it’s a teenager who is dropped off at the mall after school and roams the stores, never buying anything and wasting your time. The best way to spot a Mall Rat is by their appearance. They are usually wearing crazy outfits or sporting unusual haircuts in order to gain attention. In my mall in particular, they tend to wear all black, with strange facial piercings, and all hair colors except what is natural (I have noticed the popular hair colors are purple, blue, and Ariel red). Unfortunately for me, the majority of those that walk pass me are these Mall Rats. Also unfortunately for me Mall Rats are the majority of the people who will take my samples.

I work tonight and I am actually hoping to have to deal with some weirdos. I don’t have to hope hard though. I am sure by the end of the day I’ll have a few good people to talk about later. Have a good days guys and remember to always be kind to retail workers!

Love -DS

I didn’t attempt any diets or exercise all throughout middle school or high school.  Most people who know me, know I had my daughter in 1997, my senior year of high school.  My pre-baby weight bounced back like rubber ball.  I returned to school and no one could tell I just had a baby except for the tiger striped up and down my belly.  I was bikini-banned for several years.

Fast forward to 2002.  I fell head over heals in love with my husband, Darren.  His phone calls and emails still give me butterflies.  Shortly after we met, he left on a 6 month deployment.  I was roughly 155 and a size 14 at the time.  During his deployment, I found a product over the radio called Medifast- Take Shape for Life.  Lose 10 pounds in a week, etc.  They were holding support/information seminars close to my house so I decided to pop in and see what it was about.   The cost was broken down to me, to be $3 a meal.  Ok, that sounds doable….. The plan (back then, it’s been changed since 2002/03) was you eat 5 of their $3 meals ($15) plus 1 salad w/protein. $450 later (and just 3o days) —  I did lose 28 pounds and went from a size 14 to size 5.  I was at the lowest weight I have ever been in my life!  I had to buy all new clothes and shoes. I shopped weekly with my gal pals who encouraged me throughout the torturous ordeal. (Luv ya Karina and Carol)  Yes- it was torturous at times.  Office parties, birthday parties, going to school 2 hours away with some nights  having to stay in a motel having to eat  packet food mixed with water or salads with no dressing.  Towards the end of my 30 days, Karina and I discovered Hooter’s Happy Hours.. LOL  For– an order of naked wings set me back a whole 75 cents!!  That would be my protein and I’d get a salad with lemon wedges.  We sure were there every Friday and then shopped at Mission Valley Mall afterward.  Sometimes Carol or Kimmy would join us.  Anyways, my confidence was through the roof!  And I couldn’t wait for Darren to get home.

Before his return, the gals from work and I hit up VEGAS!  I finally was able to wear a bikini- and it was the cutest white BEBE bikini ever.  I wore it proudly regardless of the much faded tiger stripes I had.  Told you I was confident!

May 2003, Darren returned!  Yay!!  What a whirlwind of events that became…  we got engaged and married in a matter of months.  I also re-packed the pounds!!  We ate every Sunday at Hash House a GoGo..  If you have never been- google it.  You’ll see why I packed on pounds.  The plates are as big as baby’s bathtub.  And I would finish my plate!  HeLLLLLOOOO  145 pounds (again)…

July 2003, Darren left again- this time it was going to be for a year!!  I did some drastic stuff while he was gone like get a boob job.  My boobs completely disappeared when I lost the weight.  I wanted to look more proportional.  Those added another 5 pounds.. hellllloo.. 150 pounds + yoga pants + L and XL tops.  After that, the weight just crept up and up and up until I was 180.  I did get to travel to see him where he was stationed and he did come home to visit TWICE.  The 2nd time, we did get pregnant with our son, Junior.

Oh pregnancy- MY biggest EXCUSE to eat and eat and EAT!!!  And that I did.  BLT’s on Everything Bagels were my go-to food.  I was HUGE when I gave birth weighing 215 pounds.  YIKES!!  But, shortly after he was born, I did grab a JEEP stroller and start walking around the neighborhood.  That was short lived though.  I decided to go back to work.  I did however, slim back down to a size 14.  We bought our first home and I started working at holistic lifestyle center.  The owner is a personal trainer and a nutritionist!  Perfect right??  YES- it was!  I was getting support, nutrition help, exercise training while on the job.  I finally started to lose weight again too.  I was going to a women’s gym daily- loving it again.  That was until I was feeling rundown and my pants were getting tighter.  Um…  I was pregnant with Ethan!   Luckily for me, being at The Lifestyle Center, I really kept my pregnancy gain minimal.  I worked across from Whole Foods and that’s where I grabbed my lunch or I headed for Vietnamese food down the road.  I walked more also since Junior was just 2 years old.  I miss the area we lived in.  There were so many parks and trails to go walking. ( Pasadena, MD). After giving birth to Ethan, I easily lost the baby weight and was back down to around 160.  I was feeling good again!  But alas, that was short lived.

In 2008-  The husband went off to a war zone and I was left with 3 kids, 2 dogs, and I was bored a lot.  Boredom leads to…. EATING or going out to EAT.. and adventuring for new places to EAT.  And the kiddos were happy to oblige.

At my heaviest, 198 pounds size 16/18.

Super duper fast-forward to 2010/2011— FAT, 198 pounds size 16/18.. miserable, tired.. fed up.. depressed..

The results were short lived, but I wanted some weight off before the hubby got home.

husband is deployed AGAIN…. towards the end of the deployment, I did discover HCG homeopathic drops.  And I did follow the diet, to a “T”- yes.. sticking to 500 calories a day.  Was it tough?  YES!  I did have encouragement from my gals, Jackie and Gia. I even went to the beach packed with cottage cheese and tomatoes, and an apple for lunch.  I toted a big bottle of water with strawberries and lemon wedges wherever I went too.   In a very short amount of time, I dropped 30 pounds.  So was 168 when my hubs returned.  Not bad, eh??  I did regain the weight upon his return.  Back up to 185 and a size 16.  If you’re a military spouse, you’ll understand.  I wanted to take him to eat wherever he wanted to eat since he was stuck with boat food for the last 6 months.

We took a trip to the beach and I snapped some pics of Darren coming out of the water.  He did not like how HE looked and took a stand right then and committed to doing P90X by Beachbody.  We’ve had the DVD’s for a few years in a dresser drawer and never thought to crack them open.   After about a week of him grunting and groaning, dripping sweat from our sitting room into the living room, he told me that I needed to try it and that I COULD DO IT!  I really didn’t want to do it.  Seriously, I rather sit on my bum and watch tv on the other side of the wall while he was jumping around or doing pullups and pushups.  But, I put on some shorts and gave it a shot.  I was HOOKED!  And the next day, I couldn’t move because I was so sore.  It was the sense of accomplishment that grabbed me and took hold.  I COULD DO IT!!  I looked forward to Day 2 (Plyometrics), then Day 3 and so on…

Week 3 into P90X at Disney World.

At around week 3, we went to Disney World.  P90X came with us.  Pull up bar, yoga mat, resistance bands, laptop to play the DVD’s, everything came along.  I would get up at 6:30AM do my workout.  Darren was up at 7:30AM to do his.. and the rest of the day we were venturing the Magic Kingdom.  Food was FUEL at this point for me.  We didn’t indulge in the parks junk.  We brought along a huge bag of beef jerky, nuts, bottled water, Kashi cereal/crackers.  We did purchase breakfast and dinners to be at the resort.  They were buffet style s we could pick and choose what we ate.  The days usually started with egg white omelets, fruit, and oatmeal.  And that would fill us up until we’d snack in the parks with nuts and jerky.  We’d hit dinner and get fish, veggies, and sweet potatoes.  This was so doable, even on vacation!!  Throughout our P90X journey, we did adopt the 1 cheat meal a week.  And it was on Tuesdays for dinner.  We’d go to Chick Fil A for Kid’s Night where the little guys ate for free.  That worked out great!!  My final results with P90X;  lost 27 pounds and back into a size 14.  I had surgery to remove a cyst from the back of my leg after I finished my round of P90X and was unable to work out for 6 weeks to allow the internal stitches to heal.  I did start a new job (which I love and still have to do this day) where I stand and walk around a lot.  So I have to say that working did help for me to keep the weight off while I was unable to work out.

After 60 painful days, I did EARN this shirt… although it was still pretty snug.

Oh INSANITY….  how I did not care for you at all….  I started a Challenge Group for Insanity in January 2012 after becoming a Beachbody Coach!!  (www.beachbodycoach.com/curvymom) .  This was an adventure.  I gathered up 5 people to complete the INSANITY workout together with me.  I don’t think I would have survived the full 60 days if it weren’t for that Challenge Group.  Each day we did our workout, logged it, and encouraged each other to press on to the next day.  But oh, I did not enjoy that workout at all!!  I also DID NOT FOLLOW THE MEAL PLAN.   I drank my Shakeology every morning, but the rest of the day was a free for all… Chinese Food from the work food court was my go-to meal 4 days a week!!  Needless to say after 60 days of Shaun T yelling at me… lost 5 lbs and was still a size 14.  But, I EARNED THE SHIRT!  And stayed around 170 lbs.

After completing Insanity, I bounced around from a couple of programs; P90X, P90X2, Brazil Butt Lift, back to P90X…  I didn’t stay with anything consistently.  I did start running in order to train for my first Mud Run.  Thanks to my friend and neighbor, Lisa- she pushed me out the door on days I really didn’t feel like running.  We’d run around the neighborhood and neighbors would cheer me on– sounds silly, but it’s true!  I could finally run a mile and a half without stopping.  And then it got too hot- and then I didn’t want to run anymore.  For me, the Mud Run was an epic failure.  I couldn’t run most of it because it as 90% in the sand.  Through the trails and the road I was fine, but once I hit the sand, my calves were on fire and I just did not WANT to do it.  Lesson learned, no more mud runs on the Little Creek base for me.  As for as my weight goes I lost about 5 lbs.. down to 165.  But that was short lived yet again…  Ugh!!

Still maintaining my weight.

So the summer rolls by… the winter rolls by… and I just don’t feel like doing anything!  I’m working and just maintaining my weight that has gone back up to 174.  I start P90X again… short lived burst of energy… and finally decide to see my doctor.  She runs all the tests and everything is normal.  She tells me to cut calories, log them, and exercise.  OK… I’m going to do that!  Well, guess what- that’s what works!  On my rest days, 1000 cals, on my workout days 1200 cals.  Needles to say, if you seen me recently, I don’t look like the same person.  My body composition has changed.  I’m still “heavy” per say (150 lbs), but I like to use the word “tiny” since that’s what my friends and husband tell me that I am.

In January 2013 I started a brand new program called Les Mills Combat and together with the eating recommendations from my doctor, I dropped 24 pounds and am now a size 11 (in Juniors) which could be an 8 or 10 in womens depending on the brand.  And this was  just in 3 months.

Les Mills Combat RESULTS!

I have taken some time off from workouts, see- I’m getting lazy again!!  And weight has crept up.I mentioned earlier that I am all or nothing.  So, when people start calling me “Tiny” and I know that I’m a lot smaller I give in to my head’s and taste buds desires and BINGE.  Yes, BINGE..  chips, cakes, cookies, pasta, and Cadbury Mini Eggs have been my snacks for the days of announcing my 50 pound weight loss.(147 pounds)  Some of you must have read that on Facebook if you’re on my friends list.  Yikes! I considered crash dieting to get the excess off.  BUT I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE!! I need to get a grip on my health, body, everything!!!  I gained 7 pounds in 4 days..  My final day of eating whatever I wanted was Friday…  I planned to make the change the very next day after finding http://www.whole9life.com.  I made a $14.95 investment for daily emails and updates.  Started a profile to post on their forums to ask questions. I texted Darren to see if he’d follow along with me and of course he said YES!!  I was ready.  Saturday May 18, I weighed 154.0.

I thought I had this self-motivation thing under control, but I guess I was wrong. I had gotten pretty good at pushing myself. Or so I thought. Suddenly I can’t seem to make myself do what I need to do. And I don’t know why.

I don’t want to give up. I want to keep going. I need to keep going. So what’s the problem?? Why am I having so much trouble?

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better when I wake up. Maybe tomorrow I will be ready to go when my alarm goes off. Maybe tomorrow I will be excited when I get to the gym. Maybe tomorrow I won’t have a problem pushing myself. Maybe.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Megan, please know that if you just trust that the Lord will help you, your life will be so much easier. When you are faced with difficult decisions or choosing friendships, ask for God’s guidance. Look for ways that God is speaking to you through scripture and other people. He will help you make it through even the worst of struggles and choices. Please know I am always a phone call away.

James 1:12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

I have watched you run many races and compete in many meets. You always push yourself a little further each time. Take that perseverance one step further and find that spirit during the race of life. There will be moments that you just want to give up. There will be times that your life seems so lonely. There will be times that you make such bad choices that you think there is no way out. Don’t let these things get you down. Persevere through it. Pray for God’s mercy and grace!

Matthew 18:7-9 Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes! “If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell.

Alright, so this seems a bit harsh of a scripture, but listen to it while you read it aloud. Your friendships in life should lift you up. Your friends should inspire you to be a better person. Your best friends will be there for you when life gets hard. When your friends start leading you down a pathway that you are not comfortable with, then cut off the friendship. Life will be so much easier if you choose good friends that can enjoy it with you. Your dad and I are best friends. He makes me a better person. I like to think that your dad is clearing a pathway to heaven for me because he inspires me to follow God. All of your friendships and boyfriends should treat you with respect and honor your choices. You are a great person, but you will be better if you surround yourself with friends that inspire you to follow God.

As Mother Teresa says, “God doesn’t require us to succeed, but only to try.”

Okay, so this isn’t a bible verse, but it is from one of my favorite women, Mother Teresa. What she says is perhaps the wisest words I have ever heard. God’s success looks nothing like earthly success. You don’t have to be the best. You don’t have to be the smartest. You don’t have to be labeled a “professional.” In fact, God’s success is when you just try to do something that is out-of-the-box. When you place your trust in God, and just try to do something for Him; the blessings will flow into your life. This may be a ministry at the church. It might be inviting a friend to Mass with you. It might be leading a bible study. It might be acting kindly to someone who is hard to love. Whatever it is, God will give you the tools, if you ask. And the success is when you try.

James 3:14-15 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. Wisdom of this kind does not come down from above but is earthly.

You are so great at humbly accepting your gifts. What I mean is – you do not just rejoice when you finish strong in a race, but you rejoice when all finish the race. You know the importance of trust, perseverance and strength. You know that everyone deserves credit for trying. I love that quality in you. NEVER LOSE THAT QUALITY. Becoming jealous or hurt by other’s success will bring you down. You are wise beyond your years, so don’t let yourself slip into ambitious desires; always ask God what He needs from you. Turn your back on selfish rewards.

Phillipians 2:14-15 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky

Do your best to find joy in everything. When I find myself falling into the trap of gossip, complaints and arguing, I turn into a person I do not like. Always try to find the joy of everything – even struggles. Struggles are a gift from God. God will teach all of us very valuable lessons in the midst of struggle. Trust me on this one. I have learned many lessons during times of extreme pain and sorrow.

To all those teenagers out there that are struggling to figure out life, please know that you are loved by God. You are His child. He will care for you. Even when times are tough, God is there. Pray for His strength. Pray for His hope. Pray for Him to show you the plan in your struggles. Most of all remember, you are all unique and special. We all have very different gifts that God gives us. He wants us to use those gifts. Sometimes when we are not quite using them the way He needs, life can get hard. Try a new path if that seems to be happening to you.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

The most important lesson in life is that Jesus suffered, died, was buried and rose again for our sins. We never deserved eternal life, but God gave it to us anyway. Make choices in your life based on the fact that Jesus Christ died for you. Your main goal here on earth is to get yourself and those you love to heaven.

Congratulations to my daughter, Megan, for passing through the struggles of middle school with grace and humility. I can only pray that your high school years will give you the same joy and happiness. Just remember that God is right next to you the entire way!

I couldn’t help but think this over and over again in my head. Talent portions have always been challenging. I was never consistent. My “dance steps” on performance day isn’t what I prepared and rehearsed for. My first talent portion number was an ethnic dance during Bb. Caloocan 2012 then during my Silka pageants, I danced to “Put your graffiti on me” and a traditional southern dance.  Today, I did the mannequin dance or better known as “doll dance” to the song “A thousand years”.  I have to admit it was very emotional.

During choreography making, I kept crying. I wanted to give up so badly. My knees were aching; my stomach wasn’t feeling good. It’d be a long list if I jotted everything down.  I couldn’t take the pressure. I was over thinking because there were so many things on the line. They gave us the option to perform or not and it got to me.  Backstage, I was shaking and I tell you, it’s the “LONGEST 3 MINUTES OF MY LIFE”. I was called last and the audience was so focused at me, I couldn’t hear a single thing. I was dancing then I realized I was going with the flow as if I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t performing because of the award or about me. I was on stage performing with all my heart because of a greater cause. The beauty of the piece was seen because it came from what I was feeling at the moment. I wanted to let everything out and just dance to the music. It isn’t because of the costume or props, it was through the expression and eyes.

I owe everything to my executive board and dear friends (I wish I can name you all) who called and ‘texted’ just to tell me “Good luck, Kristi. You can do it.” I don’t know where on Earth I got those negative auras but it was the worst feeling… ever! At the end of my performance, I cried. I am thankful of the good Lord for his overwhelming presence in my life especially during those moments. I felt him thru my loved ones. Finally, my supportive dear mom saw me perform and recorded the video. My handler took care of me, dressing me up gorgeously. Their efforts did not go to waste. I know whatever happens on June 8, I shall make them proud!

As I wrote this I realized a few things:

• Negativity and pulling one’s self down does not solve anything.
• Surround yourself with all the positive energy you can get.
• Don’t stress and take a break.
• Keep in mind of your goal.
• Release all your tensions.
• Three “S”—Sleep. Smile. Savor (the moment)
• And of course, you PRAY. It helps! 

I find myself grappling with different “struggles” daily, but more recently, and even more so yesterday, I’ve been struggling with feeling stuck. There are times, for lack of a less morbid phrase, I feel stuck inside of this proverbial jail cell. I’ve simply outgrown the house that I was raised in and find that it’s no longer a home – perhaps for me, it never was. For the most part, I fit the mold that Alfred Adler set in his overview of birth order for the eldest child. I’m a high achiever with the constant hunger to please people – and perhaps that is my greatest downfall. I struggle because, as badly as I want to please my parents, it seems as though it’s never enough. Everything I’ve ever done – every achievement, award, accolade – has always been for them. For them to be proud of me, for them to accept me, for them to acknowledge that I’m good enough. And yet, they never fail to make me feel like I’ve fallen short of that. I promise it’s not as morbid as it sounds; I’m resilient. I’m strong. I know I’m smart and have a good head on my shoulders and have already achieved so much. And thank God for that.

But I fear that one day down the road, I will look back and hate myself for doing everything for my parents – mainly my dad – and not for myself. Where’s the glory in aiming to reach all these goals for everyone else, only to feel stuck in the end? What’s the point in doing everything to impress everyone but myself? If a client were to come to me with this problem, I would say to make sure you take care of yourself first – that at the end of the day, you only have to please yourself. If you are happy with where you are, happy with your decisions, and happy with the path you’ve chosen, you’re on your way. If it’s good enough for you, it should be good enough for everyone else. Unfortunately, I internalize so much of what I’m told and my parents’ extreme parenting style has manifested itself into my every day life. I can only hope to one day soon pull myself from underneath the rubble of their authoritarian parenting without a war of words.

And, this feeling of being stuck is more than just an emotional state – it’s a physical state as well. I feel stuck walking eggshells in a house that is not my own, but even more stuck that I’ve had it fixated in my mind that it’s the norm to move out of your parents’ house right after college. Things are different now than they were when I was younger and projected my own fate, but it doesn’t stop the ache I have that yearns for a place to call my own – a place where no familial conflict lives. I know what’s wise – stay living with my parents until I graduate from grad school and get my life and career in order, but in order for me to keep peace of mind and not need more therapy than is required for my graduate program, I need to move out. Strong emphasis on the need. It’s a lose-lose situation – a double edged sword, and I’m not quite sure which end is sharper and more painful.

I struggle daily with being two different people. The person I really am (with my friends, etc) versus the person I feel I am when I’m at home. I know it’s mainly cultural, but I also know that at some point, your parents are supposed to see you for who you are – an adult, their child, but not a child. Perhaps my problem is also with differentiation. I’m growing and changing and evolving right before their eyes, and I’ve changed my morals and my belief system. I’m differentiating from them, and that’s not something they, or any parent, are used to. For years, I’ve struggled to find a place where I can fit comfortably in the middle, but solace escapes me in this household.

Instead, it’s a daily struggle of whether or not I will do something that will piss my dad off, or whether he will do something to tip off my short temper. It’s a battle of personalities. It’s a constant mental fight – do this, and make myself happy, or do that, and fall short of pleasing my parents. It’s the financial struggle of how can I afford to move out, and when can I afford to move out. It’s a balancing act – one that I thought I wouldn’t have to balance anymore. At 13, I told myself to keep hanging on because I was close to turning 17 and earning more freedom with my drivers license. When I was 17, I hung on because I was so close to going away to college and potentially never having to come back. When I was 22 and graduating college, I told myself to keep saving up – that I’d be out of here in no time. Now, at nearly 25, I struggle with deciding what’s the next best step.

One day, I’ll have it all figured out.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the springs of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

xo, Jackie

The title of this post is from the song, “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” by Gary Allan
Blog Twitter | Personal Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest | Examiner

And don’t forget about my Ask.FM account that I will be implementing into this blog next month!

Firstly I’m going to start this post with a bit of positivity as I think it’s going to go downhill pretty quickly from there. So let’s all celebrate that I have made it 20 days of blogging every day – Whoop whoop! Who’d have thought it!

Okay so back to the negative, what am I struggling with at the moment…