Does it seem strange that this Health Care monstrosity is being pushed to some artificial deadline (Christmas) for no good reason?  I’m not one for doing things because “that’s the way it has always been done,” but it does seem curious that Al Franken denied an extra minute of time to former Democrat (and current Independent) Joe Lieberman on the floor of the Senate. 

I really don’t care about the procedural crap that goes on in Congress and every other political body in the United States.  I think we are way too formal with our government and need to speak in common language that more than just the lawyers in DC can understand.  So…the question is…why is the procedure being changed in this instance if it has not been that way, in recent history?  Why the rush? 

Earlier in the week, while debating defense spending, Senator Tom Coburn demanded a reading of a spending resolution from Senator Bernie Sanders.  My illustrious Senator, Dick Durbin, stated ”How in the world can we in good conscience do this at this time of year?”  How can we in good conscience not bring relevent issues to the floor?  If these yahoos read the bills, amendments and resolutions aloud in the chamber for all to hear, they might make better decisions rather than rush to judgement and vote for items they have not properly read and vetted.  Why is this so hard to fathom?

Senator Menendez added:

“It’s become very clear to me, as it should be clear to just about everyone, that everything they’re doing has nothing to do, nothing to do, with helping Americans get affordable healthcare or get jobs, but everything to do, everything to do, with winning the next election,” Menendez said. “The Republicans have decided their road to electoral victory in 2010 and to poise themselves 2012 is for this president and this Congress to fail.”

Health Care?  I thought they were voting on defense spending?  Just trying to get things straight.  As far as having Congress fail, I for one am of the opinion that the less that Congress does, the better.  The only seem to screw up things that are put into their hands.

Maybe the rub is just with Republican and Independent politicians.  Maybe Al Franken is so inexperienced that he needs a lesson on procedure.  Maybe the party in power wants to stifle debate on this vastly important issue (Health Care).  Who really knows.  It is interesting, though. 

Back to the Health Care monstrosity, I hope the bill is read aloud for all to hear like was threatened before Thanksgiving.  We’ll see if they (Congress) have the chutzpah to actually do that.  I won’t hold my breath.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

Rob’s Rant

What is wrong with Liberals in Minnesota? First they elected a fake wrestler who wore a boa. Then the liberals in Minnesota elected a comedian to represent them in Congress. This is what you end up with…

Here was his job before being elected to screw America and it’s taxpayers…

An idiot and extremely void of talent. WTF was liberal Minnesotans thinking?

The Senate Clown decided to stick it to Lieberman - AKA Enemy Number One of the moonbats these days – by denying him an additional 30 seconds to finish his statement on health amendments he plans to offer.

WASHINGTON — Democratic Sen. Al Franken has taken the unusual step of shutting down Sen. Joe Lieberman on the Senate floor. 

Lieberman, a Connecticut independent, currently is the target of liberal wrath over his opposition to a government-run insurance plan in the health care bill.

Franken was presiding over the Senate this afternoon as Lieberman spoke about amendments he planned to offer to the bill. Lieberman asked for an additional 30 seconds to finish — a routine request — but Franken refused to grant the time.

Ooooh, you really showed him. What a tool.

Welcome back to this little series on surviving the holidays. Whether you’ve experienced tragedy or abuse, holidays are rough.   

The first post discussed the importance of guarding your heart and starting your own traditions, as a means of coping with overwhelming, post traumatic fear and vulnerability.  

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."

Today, Stuart Smiley is here to help us through the second topic in this series: worthlessness and inadequacy.  

Abuse survivors have a warped impression of themselves, and others. Self-hatred and worthlessness are caused by actual or implied accusations hurtled at us during and after the abuse:  

“You’re so stupid (bad, ugly, helpless, selfish…”
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“You can’t survive without me.”
“You wanted it.”
“No-one will believe you. You’re such a liar.”
“You made me do it.”
“Nobody could ever love you.”  

Brainwashed into believing we can’t survive or do anything–let alone celebrate–correctly outside the powerful family circle, building our own traditions feels like trying to walk up an ice-covered hill in smooth-soled shoes.  

” . . . verbal affirmation of self-worth is a valuable tool, however silly it may seem. Another way to build self esteem is to try something new, but easy – again in a safe environment free of criticism and judgment. . . ” –Grace Alexander 

As much peace as I’ve found starting my own family traditions, feelings of inadequacy still creep up and devastate even the most serene, tender moments. If I don’t recognize it early and call it out, the feelings of emptiness turn me into a sucking, nagging, complaining, despairing woman, lashing out at those who love me–and whom I love–most. 

Recognizing and acknowledging these emotions are the first steps in reclaiming your life and potential as a beautiful, unique, and precious child of God . . . . . . and important ingredients for surviving the holidays.  

"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world." --Stuart Smalley

Please know I’m not a counselor, and for that reason, I implore you to seek professional help if you have thoughts of self-harm or more serious symptoms of depression. Hotlines and links to other resources are posted on the Fragrances of Hope page of this blog. Even your family doctor can help. Don’t be ashamed to seek it, if you need it.   

Otherwise, here are four ideas for immediate application:  

1. Start small. Don’t try to create a Pottery Barn Christmas. Do bake Christmas cookies (slice-&-bake’s are totally cool). Try to catch a snowflake on your tongue.  Light a scented candle. Learn how to knit and be satisfied, even if you only complete a small, slighty-holey dishrag. Read the Christmas story from Luke 1: 26-2:20. Outloud. 

2. Copy your kids. Be on the lookout for what makes your kids smile during this season. Is it a little nativity set they like to arrange and re-arrange? Is it building a fire in the fireplace in the middle of the day–just because? Making a snow angel? Reading The Littlest Angel, The Polar Express or The Christmas Lizard (one of my favorites)? Savor what they savor. Reclaim their joy and make it your own.   

3. Music. Download your all-time favorite Christmas song. Dance to it when no one else is home. Sing the silly Christmas songs with your kids (Alvin and the Chipmunks come to mind. I used to hate them until I watched my kids laugh and love them.) Play instrumental, sentimental Christmas music as you fold laundry and go about your daily activities. Breathe in deeply with your ears. 

4. Help someone less fortunate. Have you ever seen tears well up in a mother’s eyes when you take gifts to a women’s shelter? Seen gratitude melt the wrinkles on a shut-in’s face when you bring them sparkly Christmas cookies? Heard a homeless man choke back tears as you serve him food at a homeless shelter? Other people are hurting all around us. 

We can allow the darkest parts of brokenness overwhelm us in vain, or we can morph it into radiant, healing compassion. 

The choice is yours, this holiday season. 

As the angel Gabriel said to Mary all those years ago, the Lord is with you. Do not be afraid. 

You are beautiful. 

You are enough. 

And you can be free. 

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. –Luke 1:46-48

Call it what you will…. 

• Cockiness
• Confidence
• Experience
• Self Esteem
• Knowledge
• Ability 

Or maybe, just maybe a big head…. 

Any of these words might have described me back when I was employed.  I had regular calls from recruiters & headhunters.  I had industry contacts inquire about my future plans and I received very positive reviews and increasing responsibilities from my employers. 

And then, one day (that infamous day where the rug was ripped out from under me) it’s like someone took a little pin and pricked me in my big fat head.  And… slowly but surely, the air has been leaking my confidence right out of me.  It’s definitely been a slow leak, but I can almost feel it empty, bit by bit, day by day. 

Right about now I want to break out in song….. Cecilia you’re breaking my heart… You’re shaking my confidence daily.  (Sorry… did I mention I’m losing it??) 

Anywho…It’s simply amazing what unemployment can do to your self esteem.  I would have never, ever understood it if I wasn’t living through it myself.  I used to look at other people who were unemployed for a prolonged period and scratch my head… What were they doing?  Why was it so hard for them to find work? That wouldn’t be me… I’m sure if I lost my job I’d find new employment pretty quickly. Ignorant confidence is what I had.  I’m a hard worker, with many years of experience in my field, surely somebody would hire me quickly. 

But alas, here I am, 5 months later… wondering what the heck I was thinking…. And, as my big fat head deflates, I’m just left with a drooping shell of what I once was! 

I have an interview tomorrow…. HOORAY FOR ME! 

It’s the only interview I’ve had scheduled since August.  I used to consider myself to be a good interviewer.  I felt I was good at conveying my personality and my skill set to prospective employers.  But, I realize today, as I prep for my interview that my ego is so crushed that I lack self confidence.   And, heading to an interview without any confidence is like jumping from a plane without a parachute.  You need to know and believe that you have what you need to make it to the ground safely.  And, I need to know that I DO have the skills and the experience necessary to ace this interview. 

But, I’m shocked to find that I’m anxious, and nervous and stressed and all those other words that go along with wanting something sooooo badly! 

So, for the rest of the day, I’ll be channeling Stuart Smalley.   I’ve seated myself in front of the mirror and I’m starting my daily affirmations:

Cause…  I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

We hate the W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique and we hate the post “Campaign to Stop Negative Thinking”

1. WE HATE campaigns to stop negative thinking. Negative thinking is what we do. Mocking others gives us that warm, fuzzy feeling of self-righteous satisfaction and it’s really all that gets us through the day before we must face another night alone under the covers, rocking softly, back and forth, humming humming just for a sound, anything to prove that we are still actually alive. WE HURT W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique, and hate is what makes the pain tolerable! Don’t take that away from us!

2. WE HATE your lack of photos. We know from sitting in numerous doctor’s offices and police stations that inspiration is all about motivational posters, and we expect them to be plastered all over your blog. We are sorely disappointed. Also, mocking bad photos is part of our schtick. Our mold is broken. We are lost without our routine. Thanks a lot W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique.

You remind us of one of those guys from Ally McBeal. Or of Ally McBeal.

3. WE HATE having to put periods between all your capital letters. Make it easier for people. Lose the massive acronym.

4. WE HATE how you misunderstand the concept of a blog. You say, “[...] and without saying too much, in my life negative thoughts in the past have had some effect on me.” No, W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique, your blog is where you do say too much. Open up, big fella, let it all out. The blogosphere won’t judge you. And also, Captain Obvious, your frank admission that negative thoughts have affected you does not inspire us to join your little cult of healing. Get past the surface level stuff. Reveal things your mama would be embarrassed to have birthed you over.

This makes us want to do acid.

5. WE HATE your affirmation cards. We already read Stuart Smalley.

Now a U.S. Senator. Thanks again, Minnesota.

There’s a curious thing that happens when men get acquainted for the first time. There’s a sizing up, a probing if you will. Wait, wait…settle down. For those of you snickering in the back row, let me say up front that this is an asexual phenomenon and has nothing to do with Gaydar or the size of anyone’s dong. It’s innocent really, when guys manalyze each other.  There is a tacit, nearly subconscious assessment that happens, as each man checks off the attributes they may find interesting and noteworthy. If everything goes OK and readings are positive, then those guys can hang out together without any awkwardness. You see this a lot when female coworkers or old girlfriends try to get together and decide to bring their husbands or boyfriends along. The first time the guys meet, there’s a manalysis to make sure they are compatible enough to socialize—at least enough to excavate a variety of guy-friendly discussion topics—enabling everyone to survive a double-date or a dinner party. These events always make me nervous because most traditional male topics bore or confuse me. I have absolutely nothing to add to a conversation about college football, NASCAR’s point race, or how to fix a faucet.

My wife and I recently went to a birthday dinner for one of her friends from work. I’ve spent a lot of time with this friend (Georgeanna) and her husband (Jeff) and I like them both a great deal—fortunately, Jeff and I performed our initial manalysis a few years back, so now we have an easy rapport. What benefited me even more is the fact that Jeff is a lunatic sports fan and the most skilled woodworker I know. I can ask Jeff about his Fantasy Football team and his cabinet making and just let him run with it.  If other people at the table overhear chatter about wood screws and I’m nodding along, then I’m golden. I’m manly by association.

You also get this during large family gatherings when all of the male family members end up in the garage or den or backyard and they pass around the guy chit-chat like a bottle of high dollar bourbon. We had a party recently for my son’s birthday and several male in-laws attended. My father-in-law, brother-in-law, and my wife’s cousins and uncles are all manly men. So before the party, as we tidied the house for our guests, I made sure to open the dartboard to show use and lifted the lid to my tool box to prove without question that the compartments still held actual tools and not a dainty button collection or something.  And these guys are family now! What is my deal? Why even go through the trouble of coating one’s life in a virile veneer that other men will find acceptable? I seriously doubt they are sprucing up for me when I come over!

I realize this makes me sound like a squirrelly, self-conscious poseur weirdo, someone obsessed with acceptance and gender stereotypes and other nonsense like that. But it’s all about first impressions and what people absorb the first time they meet you.  I’m stuck on this: if you’re going to assault strangers—especially he-strangers—with babble about books and crossword puzzles and your bout of the artsy-fartsies, you may as well tell them your bra size and favorite brand of lip gloss. I hate to say it, but it just seems so sissy as an opener. So I tell myself to filter. Don’t rush it. The truth will come out. If new acquaintances are to spend any future time with me, they will come to know that I prefer a pen to a screwdriver and can sing most every song on the soft rock station. And that’s ok.  And if it’s not ok, please know that I watch SportsCenter every morning and am filing away stats for future use.

Alright folks, Halloween is right around the corner, and you know what that means: CANDY. But hold up, there are lots of other sweet treats to be had around this time of year, and I mean, come on- how many miniature Butterfingers have you already shoved in your mouth/pocket/desk/purse? Too many, I’m sure.  And how many dry, crumbly, ghost shaped, store bought cookies have you wolfed down? Really? Ok, don’t get me wrong, some Halloween cookies are awesome, and cute too:

This  made me howl with laughter when I first saw the picture. I’m sure they’re tasty and all, but no, they’re not what this post is about. I just had to show you them, BECAUSE CAT SHAPED FOOD IS FULL OF WIN, OK?!

Moving on- Pumpkin. It’s orange, and it’s tasty, as long as you properly drown it in sugar and spice and everything nice, and we here at Lady Buisness know all about that now don’t we? Today, I’m going to show you these awesome amazing pumpkin bars I made, and don’t be fooled by nay-sayers and lazy asses- BAKING IS NOT HARD, AND IT IS ALL OVER IN A SNAP. I’m so serious- these things came together and were IN MAH MOUF in less than an hour. So, yeah, my pumpkin bars: let me show you them.

Your Ingredients:

Wet ingredients(oil, eggs, pumpkin, sugar, vanilla) all go together:

Ah, Autumn in a Bowl.

Next, all your dry ingredients(flour, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg):

Mix the DRY into the WET(that’s the secret to most sweet baked goods) and this is what your final batter should look like:

Pour into a  jelly roll pan, or a large lasagna pan that is lined with parchment paper, and bake for 30- 40 minutes at 350 degrees.

On half of mine,(before I baked them) I sprinkled chocolate chips. Here’s the finished product:

The other half I topped with a nice cream cheese icing:

Now, don’t fret my pretties- you’ll find the recipe here:

http://realmomkitchen.blogspot.com/2009/10/pumpkin-bars.html

I’ll go ahead and admit that I upped the amount of Cinnamon used, and I added freshly grated nutmeg, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and DOG GONE IT, PEOPLE LIKE ME.

And just as a side note, the recipe calls for canola oil, which I dutifully used, but next time, I might opt to use half canola oil, and half butter- because all oil in baked goods can sometimes cause them to be overly greasy to the touch- while still tasting magnificent.

Please make these for your friends, kids, family, or just for yourself. I promise you won’t regret it. Now, go forth and get your bake on!

When I was a kid, my grandmother gave me a book of Jesus stories, one for each day of the year. They were devotionals, meaning there was a little story and then a bible verse. You were supposed to read the story and then take that little verse into your day, like a good little girl.

There was lots of turning the other cheek in these books.

We kept these devotional books in the bathroom, which, in hindsight, was brilliant.

So, I read that book of devotionals in one go, while my brother wondered why I was still in the bathroom.

Grandma was furious with me. “That wasn’t the point!” she yelled. “The point is to read a story every day. That’s why each story has a date on it!”

I made this lady angry every time she saw me, until she got dementia and stopped recognizing me, and then was really happy to meet me. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Sometimes I just annoyed her.

Anyway, let it be known, that my grandmother, Genevieve Helgeson, was right.

The point is to read a story every day.

What does that mean? You can take it two ways.

Way #1 : The stories you tell yourself every day, they better be good ones.

You have the option to go through life hating on your body, being annoyed by traffic, finding your loved ones really irritating, etc. You have the option to radically dislike your life.

You have the option to set yourself up for failure by saying, I’ll never be able to do that. or Nobody will listen to me.

You can tell yourself any story you want.

So, here’s a story I tell myself. I tell myself I’m beautiful.

If you were to look at me from any standardized guide of beauty, I really don’t fit the mold. My face is not symmetrical. In fact, my chin looks like it’s giving directions. And I have a bug eye. And I’m a bit, rather, well, plump.

But I am actually, quite beautiful, in my own way. And people see that in me, because it’s a true story.

And when I was very young, and had the body of an underwear model (and not in the trunk of my car, if that’s what you’re thinking), when I had that body, I hadn’t grown up enough to see my beauty. And the story I told myself was that I was weird and awkward, and people treated me like I was weird and awkward.

Stories that you tell yourself are not just stories that you tell yourself. They take on a truth.

Way #2 If you are trying to tell yourself a new story, you have to do it every day.

This is not, I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And Doggone it, people like me.

This is not affirmations. I’m not a big fan of the affirmation.

When you say an affirmation that you don’t really believe, there is a voice that adds And that’s bullshit to the end of it.

I’m a big fan of wiggling one’s way into truth and understanding. There is a difference between an affirmation and wiggling into the truth.

When you are working your way into your new story, (which can be, I’m beautiful, somebody loves me, I make enough money, somebody wants to hire me, whatever), it takes a daily effort of asking and validating and confirming.

Not all day. Just long enough to sit on the toilet. Or, an extra 10 minutes in bed.

So, let’s take “I’m beautiful” as our story. How do you move from I’m not so pretty. to I’m beautiful ?

You start with something you’ve liked about yourself in the past.

I like my nose. I have a button nose. It squinches up when I smile.

That nose becomes the life raft in the ocean of the question of “Am I beautiful?”

And then, one day, I might notice that my eyes are quite sparkley.

And then, it’s my hair.

And then it’s the way my shoulders catch the light.

And then it’s my hipbones.

And see, how my life raft is now much bigger?

The bigger your boat of belief, the more it rings true to you. The more it rings true to you, the more others see it.

So then, I start loving on the parts that I’m not so happy with.

Like my belly. It took a long time to love my belly. And there’s a lot of it to love, people.

But, you know, I now love my belly. There’s something about it that’s ample and joyful. When I’m skinny, I’m kind of a bitch, so maybe this belly is the source of my jolly (or maybe that’s a story that I need to explore. See that. See that story I just told myself. When I’m skinny, I’m kind of a bitch. Hmmm…)

You feel your way into the truth. And the truth is always more positive than you initially think.

And if it’s not, you have the power to change that, by developing your new truth.

Maybe today, pay attention to the stories you tell yourself. And stop telling the ones you don’t like or aren’t useful. And feel your way into a story that will help you.

What’s in a Name?

(Originally Published September 13, 2009)

FROM THE OFFICES OF BAP

September 13, 2009

To: Nina Ginsburg

Subject: Correction to your John Adams Project welcome packet

Dear Ms. Ginsburg,

We hope we have found you safe, especially after the offensive attack by The O’Reilly Factor’s goons as you emerged innocently from a drugstore. We will have an ACLU-appointed psychiatrist assigned to assist you in overcoming what was no doubt a traumatic experience to you, a true American patriot.

This letter contains a key correction to your welcome packet to our organization, which you and others recently received. Apparently there has been some confusion regarding the name of our organization. Somehow, probably from some redneck radical racist Republican who infiltrated our system, the name of this group was erroneously called “The John Adams Project.”

Of course Adams was a gallant attorney who defended the British troops that killed five British-American civilian colonists. He convinced a jury that it took two to tango, and got six of the soldiers acquitted, while two others were convicted of manslaughter, which earned them branded thumbs—which we may do the members of Bill O’Reilly’s team if we catch them. Ouch!

However, John Adams, it turns out, was a weakling. He would never have consented to taking photos of CIA agents and then distributing them to criminal terrorists held captive at Guantanamo Bay, no matter how much those CIA agents may have jeopardized the lives, liberties, and pursuits of happiness of terrorists. Adams apparently was not aware that terrorists have feelings and families, too. (Well, actually, they usually don’t marry so as to not spoil themselves for the comely virgins that await them in the hereafter. But they do have mothers who love them.) And as the most distinguished Minnesota Senator Smalley has instructed us, “Doggone it, people like them!”

For this reason, we no longer call them “terrorists”—we now refer to them as what they more truly are—“retribution agents.”

One historic American, and one historic American alone would have been noble enough to compromise the identities and endanger the lives of the spies who supposedly gather intelligence in order to protect America from terror, er, sorry, retribution—that man, the shining hero who has inspired our organization for which you now so fearlessly labor, the organization that will right the wrongs of past administrations and will see to it that CIA agents are correctly castigated for their self-righteous indignation towards innocent red-blooded retribution agents—that wonderful man is Benedict Arnold.

Alas, alas, you and others are now rightfully members of The Benedict Arnold Project (BAP) with all privileges and inferences that pertain thereto. Congratulations! Be proud!

Ms. Ginsburg, you are hereby requested to destroy any and all materials and references to the name of John Adams. From here on, you and your cohorts shall use the name of Benedict Arnold.

Carry on,

The Benedict Arnold Project

P.S. We are including a reference video link to The O’Reilly Factor’s affront to you so that our members may learn from your courage (see below).

P.S.S. If you get tried for treason, you are to destroy this letter—and you never knew us.

Stuart Smalley can add an extra affirmation to his list next time he sits in front of the mirror. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, I can draw maps freehand!”

The political right is already repudiating this viral video as a fake, claiming that Senator Al Franken is not, in fact, drawing a map of the United States by hand, but rather tracing onto a blank page. It doesn’t look like there’s anything under that sheet besides more blank sheets, but I suppose it would be possible to etch the borderlines in with an inkless nub before the presentation. Still, this latest trick of Franken’s seems to fit in with his political personality: likeable, level-headed, and thoroughly capable. How did this guy get elected to the Senate, anyway?

That’s right, you!  We think you are great!  You are extra special!  You make a difference!

Okay, maybe we only believe this because we visited The Good Cheer Company.  And you’re right: our snide, smarty pants, irony-loving attitude usually makes us skeptical of this sort of vendor.  But after following that link and clicking on the “Listen Now” button for Track #7–”It’s Your Turn”–let’s just say our attitude’s been adjusted...to a highly positive frequency.  So positive in fact, that we’re now referring to ourselves in the first person plural!  Yeah!

Put This One On Heavy Rotation

The simple truth is that many pressures in our day–work, relationships, the New York Times crossword puzzle when it overdoes the Hebrew and French language clues–can really bring us down to Frowntown.  But The Good Cheer Company stands staunchly opposed to such stinking thinking: they are solely dedicated to the care and cheering of YOU!  That’s right, YOU!

Oh sure, some of smug bugs are probably still snickering up your sleeve or rolling your eyes but here’s a question for you Ace; have your thoughts or products been featured on The Ellen DeGeneres Show?  Twice?!?  I don’t think so…

Stuart Smalley may have (eventually) moved on to a seat on the US Senate floor, but someone out there still recognizes that you are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggoneit, people like you!  And that someone is The Good Cheer Company, particularly if you have $16.95 for their CD or $12.95 for a downloadable MP3, payable with PayPal, Visa or Mastercard.

As Ellen herself says ”It’s basically an entire CD with a man’s voice giving you a pep talk with applause.”  Doesn’t that sound nice for a midweek musing?

Of course it does.  And you’re welcome.

By Dennis Ryan, CCO, Element 79

Still unpacking.  Also doing the whole first day of school thing.  So…

• Your CHILD is in school, not you.  You are an adult.  You don’t need to be afraid of strangers.
• Well, some strangers, yes.  Probably not most of the moms you’re going to come in contact with though.
• Just keep telling yourself you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.  (Thank you, Stuart Smalley, even if you aren’t a trained therapist.)
• Don’t say that out loud, though, because then people might not like you.  Or else they’ll just be scared of you.  YOU will be the stranger.
• Regarding the unpacking, rearranging the boxes doesn’t actually mean that there are less of them.  Just a tip.
• Your fascination with doing laundry (not a euphemism) has to come to an end, and soon.  Stopping by the laundry room door to listen to how quietly the clothes tumble starts to just be weird at some point.
• It’s probably not as weird as watching the first load.  Don’t tell anyone you did that.  (Dangit.)
• Speaking of dangit, teach yourself a new word to say in frustration.  Your 5-year-old daughter is saying it with reckless abandon.
• On the other hand, there are worse things your daughter could be saying with reckless abandon.
• Speaking of reckless abandon, refer to your previous post and go pay attention to The Husband no matter what the lighting is like.

Have a nice weekend!

We are just a big, fu**ing, fantastically happy family. Or, maybe not. 

I am back from my hiatus and before I start ranting about how I don’t even know who Erin Andrews is or how the black guy and white cop are both douche bags of the nth degree; I figure I owe you a bit of an explanation. 

I haven’t been feeling great either mentally or physically for several weeks. I went to the doctor and he ran a battery of tests. Turns out, I am physically fine. This means, all of my issues are in my brain. Fortunately, I already knew this. 

My doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist. He/she might be able to give me a blue, or yellow, or pink pill that will make everything right in the world for me. Ever the team player, I accepted his offer and off I went. 

My new psychiatrist is about 70 years old. That’s cool because, although I think all old people should be killed, some of them can be kind of smart. The doctor talked at me for some period of time without ever actually looking me in the eyes. I thought there was some sort rule about eye contact but I guess I was wrong. 

I told the good doc that I have a blog and he might want to peruse it to see what I am like…at least part of me. He nods for a moment and then says, “Blog…what exactly is a blog? Is that an Interweb thing?” I tried to explain but he remained completely perplexed by the concept for the entire meeting. Also, at this point he started quoting scripture and telling me all about Jesus. Sadly, this was to be my last meeting with this enlightened professional. 

Dr. Old as Dirt did suggest I read “The Four Agreements” and “One Minute For Yourself”. Since I like to read, and even though the good doc was dead to me, I followed through and read both books. Essentially, they are the written versions of Stuart Smalley’s self affirmation. “I’m, good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone-it, people like me”.  If I love myself and love everyone else, the world will be my oyster. 

Fu** that noise. I would sooner kill myself then go around with a sugar coated smile pasted on my firm yet subtle lips all day. I can’t stand the thought of being part of the legion of lemmings and, if that makes me a depressed, deranged, psychopath, so be it. At least I will be laughing my way to oblivion.

So there you have my little story. It was good to have some time off but I am back. Maybe I won’t be as prolific as before but something is better than nothing. I leave you with an old joke but one that I am sure my new/ex doctor would approve of. 

What is the difference between Sarah Palin’s vagina and mouth?

Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina. 

Thank you and be sure to tip the bartender. Much love, TL

A lot of my time during my internship has been spent doing actual engineering work. However, a lot of my time during my internship has also been spent stupidly surfing the web with absolutely no aim. It is in this regard that I’m introducing what I hope will be a recurring segment on this blog:

THINGS I WIKIPEDIAED TODAY

Or, TIWT, for short.

You have no idea how hard I tried to make it TWIT or, barring that, TWAT. All attempts ended in failure.

…but I digress. I’ve been told that such a list would make me out to be a crazed, irrational psychotic, or perhaps some sort of weird pervert. That, however, is my goal.

Without further ado, here are, in order, the THINGS I WIKIPEDIAED TODAY, with accompanying links where allowed.

How I Met Your Mother

Ted Mosby

Barney Stinson

Centrifugal Force

Centripetal Force

The Dodo

Augmented Reality

That 80’s Show

Clown Baby

The Last DJ (song)

Time To Make The Donuts

Alien Nation (TV Series)

Heathcliff (Comic Strip)

Cliff Huxtable

The Ladies Man (2000 Film)

Stuart Saves His Family

If anyone asks why I Wikipediaed anything on this list, I will refuse to answer.

Tomorrow Al Franken will be sworn in as a U.S. Senator from Minnesota. The election back in November was thisclose and Franken wasn’t declared the winner until July 1st. I can’t help but wonder, was he reaching back to his Stuart Smalley days on SNL and giving himself a dose of daily affirmations to get him through this uncertain time?

In case you don’t recall, Al Franken was a member of the cast of Saturday Night Live from 1985 to 1995, and one of the characters he played was that of Stuart Smalley, an affirmation-loving self-help guru. The episodes featuring Stuart used to crack me up. I was in high school at the time and I thought he was absolutely ridiculous. Why would anybody say crap like that to themselves over and over again?

Well, now I can see why it would be worth it. I guess if Franken invented the character of Stuart Smalley he probably didn’t take affirmations and their positive effects seriously, but I’d like to think they do some good. Especially because right now I’m using them on myself.

Stuart’s classic line was, “I’m good enough, smart enough, and people like me”. I guess in high school I never questioned any of those things about myself, but I know for sure as an adult, especially one in the midst of a career and life shift, I wonder if I’m good enough, smart enough and if people like me all the time. Okay, maybe not all the time, but it certainly crosses my mind.

In fact, this morning while I was taking my daily walk I was telling myself, “I am an awesome life coach! I love making people feel better!” I sometimes lose sight of the very simple things in life that make me feel good, and having confidence in my abilities is one of them. After I reminded myself I was a good life coach, I felt wonderful!

So remember, it might be hip to make fun of self-affirming gurus, but the truth is, you are good enough, smart enough, and people like you. And maybe someday you’ll be a senator.

Now The Left Is Truly Insane

Stuart Smalley Feels Super-Majority? http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090630/pl_nm/us_usa_senate_minnesota_7

Luxury Home Prices Fall to Attainable Levels.http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1907662_1907661,00.html

Are Americans starting to think that Democratic Party is TOO LIBERAL? (SEE GALLUP POLL) http://www.gallup.com/poll/121307/More-Americans-See-Democratic-Party-Too-Liberal.aspx?version=print

Over a 1/4 of a million people sign Petition to stop Nancy Pelosi’s quest for European style health care. http://www.freeourhealthcarenow.com/

Al Shaprton GRINDS away his Sorrow at MJ’s memorial Bash. (photos). http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/30/al-sharpton-dances-for-mi_n_223623.html