Noes…. not “stuck”
Stuck r bein in a place whur u dun wanna b. An Iz loving whur I b rite naow.

peenut budder is soooo gud!

Picture by: dunno source. Caption by: BadXhampill via Loldog Builder

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The new music hitting right now as far the brand new material is about as across the board as one can get. Them Crooked Vultures combines Grohl, John Paul Jones and Josh Homme doing epic quasi-garage rock that changes it up. Norah Jones plays out more acid while John Mayer stays with the status quo but keys in some personal trudge while keeping the guitar singing. Rihanna brings back the rear with a bit of slice, but because of recent incidents, gives her presence of mind a weight not available before.

Them Crooked Vultures – “Elephants” [Them Crooked Vultures] Using simple power chords but with change ups, this track from the new supergroup of the moment changes throughout without becoming overtly apparent. Despite this, the cut has an undeniable charge to it. Each of the players involved just loves blasting it out. The groove is there for the taking without even a thought like a dark burning roadhouse where everybody is slamming beers and dancing, sweaty into the night.

John Mayer – “All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye” [Battle Studies] This song shows Mayer’s pop sensibilities within an Elton John progression while using an arpeggio structure he rarely uses. The song has a specific thought train almost like Aniston incarnate considering the intro lyrics but with a longing that plays very close because it works. You also get the vintage guitar like Clapton would have wanted despite a basic chorus line. The reality will get the cell phones waving.

Norah Jones – “Stuck” [The Fall] The girl goes a little trip with this bar singer ditty that feels smooth and dirty at the same time with a great elegance to it. The dreamy center of the chorus mixes aspects of country with acid jazz before amping it up with a heavy sound that heightens the feel into flux. You can see the smoke cresting in the bar with Andy Warhol chillin in the corner while a girl in silk dances.

Rihanna – “GL4″ [Rated R] The starting beat keys into a rolling song. Rihanna’s initial dark entrenching jumps her out with a sultry but confident air that gives the persona a more specific poise. The grind sound plays the club right without grooving out too much while the lyrics don’t mess with the fact that she is “down for life and love” but she and her girls “know revenge is sweet”. Girl got some edge now since the beat kicks it to the floor.

Source: AutoBlog

As I reported earlier here on Road Reality, Toyota is in hot water over stuck gas pedals.  A statement this morning from Toyota gives us their solution for the recall, as well as a timeline for its resolution.  While it’s too late to save the lives of the California State Trooper and his family, who died as a result of this flaw, it’s a wake-up call to Toyota and the rest of the manufacturers.  Any manufacturer that doesn’t incorporate a “smart throttle” which cuts engine power when the brake pedal is pressed needs to think long and hard about how to get that feature into all of their future vehicles.  The crash which brought this issue to the forefront of the news also brings with it the question of how to stop a car equipped with an engine start/stop button, versus a traditional key and ignition cylinder.  Read the original post for how to stop said vehicles.  Continue reading to find out what Toyota is doing to keep drivers safe.

Before the end of 2009, owners of the Toyota Camry, Toyota Avalon and Lexus ES 350 should expect to receive a letter informing them that their car is on the recall list.  In 2010, owners of the other affected vehicles (listed at the end of this post) will also receive recall notices from Toyota.

The recall will start in early 2010, and the first step is reshaping the gas pedal of the recalled vehicles.  Next, the floor mats will be replaced with a new one, designed to help prevent the stuck gas pedal.  Toyota will also offer a new design of the gas pedal, starting in April.  The Camry, Avalon, as well as Lexus IS 250/350 and ES 350 models will be modified to add a “brake override” system which cuts engine power if both the gas and brake pedals are pressed simultaneously, and Toyota is confident that these solutions will work to prevent any more problems with the affected vehicles.

The affected models are the following:

• 2007-2010 Camry
• 2005-2010 Avalon
• 2004-2009 Prius
• 2005-2010 Tacoma
• 2007-2010 Tundra
• 2007-2010 ES 350
• 2006-2010 IS 250 and IS 350

by John Suit

Source: Automotive News

So when you look at your life what do you see or feel is missing or is there something you want to change about your life.  Maybe you’re stuck in old energy or thoughts or think that if you leave a relationship you won’t be able to make it on your own.

Could be that you just have a feeling that something is wrong and that possibly you’ve been looking in the wrong area of your life to try to fix something and it has nothing to do with what you thought it was at all.

A lot of times we get stuck in our lives and we’re not sure where we should start to look.  Some of us look at our mates and say.  “It’s their fault I feel terrible.”    When it is really something about us that is the real culprit to life seeming hard or relationships a real pain to be in.

When we look inside to try to understand and ‘fix’ our lives there is so much that has gone on in our lives that we can’t sift through all the history.  This history is comprised of emotions, judgements, punishment and dis-ease and  way to much to truly understand what it is all about.

To be able to wade our way through all of this history requires a lot of work.  Some of us journal our way to understanding ourselves and moving on beyond the life we’ve lived so far.  Others go to counselors to work through our baggage.   Suggestions and tools become our way of fixing our selves.

Another way is to actually look at the energy system that surrounds the energy body and find the energetic pictures, emotions and experiences that make up who we are.  We are a product of every thing that we see, feel, hear, touch, and smell.  We create our belief systems on other’s beliefs.  Making it hard to really understand who we are and what exactly we are experiencing.

After many years we begin to shut down.  We decide that what we have right now is enough.  And the years slide by in the same patterns, and depression and disbelief.

When we decide that we don’t have to live in old belief patterns and emotions we can really shift our life.  Instead of being the product of our past we can be the creator of our future by actively looking for change.

Get a reading and healing on the blocks in your energy system and live the life you came to live this lifetime.

So, in all today was a good(ish) day. I woke up semi-early, as James decided to call. I couldn’t go back to sleep because my brother was playing his shitty music intensely loud throughout the house, and at 3pm I met up with Josh and Manny and Colleen and we hung out at Peter Pipers Pizza. good stuff.

Of course, in between the shitty music and my brother dropping me off at PPP, he and his friend Carlos decided it might be fun to go mudding in the lot next to ours. mudding. yes, they did it. I was held as the cameraman and they got some good video. I have shitty cell phone video, but alas, if i need to implicate them in something, I’ve got it.

So after PPP’s, Josh and Colleen had to take off to his uncle’s in Monte Alto to go to a fish fry. So, it being about 5p, we decided we’d hang out a little longer and went to the skating rink. I suck at roller blading. Of course, we stayed there for a long ass time and Manny and Noe still wanted to hang out. I didn’t so much anymore, but they made me. Which later developed into my parents being utterly angry with me. Not fun. But skating was fun. I fell a total of 4 times. Which is decidedly less than when I went ice skating, but then again, when I went ice skating I was holding on to the wall and I still sucked.

I’m just not good with finding my center of gravity.

Either way, after that, we headed to Manny’s house. Still didn’t get dropped off, and headed towards the outlets. Got some Whataburger, because, c’mon, that is GOOD. and eventually, after about 2 more calls from my mom, Noe and I headed back to drop me off. He decided to ignore his GPS’s directions the first time, and that’s where everything pretty much went south.

We got stuck about a mile from my house. 2 miles. whatever, it was pretty close. But fuck, that road has potholes like you would NOT believe. My mom kept texting me angrily, and when I called to see if they could come in the truck to pull us (finally, as we tried to get out by ourselves for a while) she yelled at me, threw the phone at my dad, he didn’t say anything… but he did hang up. SO, we were fucked. So, I called Abraham and he was at BK, but he said he’d come when he was done. Which was more than I could hope for anything, so yeah. We scraped around, sunk our feet into mud and Noe got really down and dirty. It was pretty bad. Finally, my mom called me that she was on her way and that there were at least 3 more pot holes from the one we got stuck in. Either way, we were going to be fucked.  She was yelling at me, told me to walk to the Jimmy and I did. But Noe didn’t want to leave, so I told him to call his dad. I called him after I reached the Jimmy, but he still insisted on staying and for me to leave (as the ‘rents were being atrocious) So I’m home.

Abraham just text me saying that he did go to our stuck site. Then kept texting me that he was helping Noe and that it was really stuck in there. Then he said that as he was leaving Noe’s sister was showing up. So as of 12:10a (we got stuck at 10p) Noe is still stuck over there on mile 1 1/2. FUCK THAT ROAD.

But, because I basically abandoned Noe there, in the mud… I gave him an avocado tree on FarmVille. It doesn’t help, but at least it adds to his tree collection. =]

and P.S. FUCK THAT ROAD.

and also P.P.S. I pretty much really really want to move out right now. I mean, wtf, my dad hung up on me when I actually needed his help with something. What the fuck!

Last night I went to Micheal McIntyre’s Wembley gig. It was hilarious. I laughed from start to finish and thought that my evening of comedy ended after his encore. Little did I know. I got on the tube, and started to take off my coat. I got just past my neck and realised the zip was stuck. So I start to tug, and tug, and tug. It was properly stuck. The friends I was with, being the supportive, helpful bunch they were started laughing, drawing the attention of fellow travellers to my plight.

Mild panic, slight claustrophobia, a sharp increase in body temperature and unavoidable humiliation set in. Obviously this did not help. Nor did the fact that I started to laugh…and having had quite an emotional week, the laughing turned to crying. I was on the brink of what my closest friends know as “the laughing/crying thing” (to be avoided at all costs). Seeing my acute stress – Rach, one of my oldest and dearest friends, just sat back an laughed, and nudged her mum out of her seat to help me. So now I am stuck in my coat, overheating, laughing, crying and now I have my friends mum, and my friend Gemma trying to free me from the zip. How embarrassing! All the while I can see more and more people trying not to look – but desperate to watch this most ridiculous of events from their front row seats.

You would think it would end there. Oh no. Rachel’s Mum had to give up, so Gemma took over. Her tactic was to be slow and gentle, speaking to me calmly (a red, mascara streaked giggling mess) and ever so gently tugging at the fabric wedged in the zipper – well that was after she tried the tugging with all her might tactic and punched me in the face. I promise you I am not making this up.

Fortunately just as we entered Zone 2 I was liberated. I believe there was even a cheer and a round of applause. I think everyone on the carriage certainly felt like they got their money’s worth of live comedy for one evening.

And I am off to buy a new coat. With buttons.

In most industries, the customer is valued and served. Not always in the airline industory, who have tried to squeeze more people onto planes to get the most money per trip, recycled air instead of bringing in new, and more. I have to acknowledge here the hard work of many of the airline employees who put up with a lot of obnoxious people in their daily work.

However, there was a new episode on August 8th: airline passengers were stuck in a plane that had just landed for six hours. The plane had landed early in Rochester instead of Minneapolis, to avoid severe thunderstorms. The airport in Rochester, NY, was closed, and was only being used by Mesaba Airlines at the time (a division of Delta). Messaba employees wouldn’t open the terminal to the passengers stuck on the plane at 12:30am on August 8th.

The airport was closed and Mesaba Airlines employees — the only airline employees at the airport at the time — refused to open the terminal for the stranded passengers.(Yahoo News article)

(What was required? Did they just need someone to open the door, or put out the gangplank?!)

A Yahoo News article about passengers being stranded on the tarmac quoted the President of Mesaba Airlines, John Spanjers, as saying he “continues to feel it operated in good faith.” Really? It was OK to keep people who had already completed their trip on a plane on the tarmac? Why do we put up with this? Mesaba, a division of Northwest that was acquired by Delta last year, needs to revise its thinking of passengers rights. Would you want to be treated like that? And how about the ExpressJet employees, who operated the flight for Continental Airlines, who had to deal with all those irate people? Was Mesaba being fair to them?

There is a need to keep passengers safe, which I acknowledge. We don’t want people walking all over the tarmac. But there has to be a point where common sense dictates – I believe the ExpressJet captain should have called the airport authority or the police, and forced Messaba employees to open the terminal to weary passengers. At least they could have gotten a meal, shower, and slept in a hotel for some time.

The Department of Transportation fined Messaba $75,000 and Continental was fined as well, though less (the article doesn’t specify).

Congress is considering a law establishing a 3 hour limit for passengers being held on the tarmac, which the airline industry opposes. But there has to be a limit! At the 3 hour mark, the airline has forfeited it’s contract with passengers who paid money for the trip service. If they can’t complete the trip, they should let passengers complete their travel on other airlines, and help them book them. That’s my opinion.

how many more tears
would you have me fall down my face?
how many more tears
do I have to hide from your sight?

how much more anger
would you want me to feel?
how many more gasps
of despair do I have to hold inside?

I get so angry, that I cry
then I hate that I cry these tears
I can’t continue to feel
so many emotions all at once

For now, I choose to live in this misery
against all good advice
For now, I endure the pain
against all that’s right for me

Because I believe you when you say
you will make a change
Because I want to feel again
what we once had

The time had come for Fred to confront Bud about his overeating.

wach owt! he gonna eet u!!

Picture by: Dana Caption by: Gia via Loldog Builder

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Do you ever feel stuck? Lost in the muk of day to day responsibilities?  Or, knowing the path you desire but feeling too low energy to grasp it, or take a step towards getting into the flow?

If you can answer yes to these questions, even sometimes, it just confirms you are human.  We can all use a little relief sometime, or a gentle push back onto our path.  Don’t make it worse by beating yourself up for not being further along.  Instead, embrace the bump for what it is, temporary.  Yes, no matter how stuck you may feel, everything in this universe is in movement no matter what it may feel like.

If everything is in constant movement, what does that mean for you?  It means, staying stuck requires a great deal of energy on your part. That may be one reason being stuck can feel so bad.  You are using lots of energy to maintain yourself in a place that doesn’t feel that great.   So, embrace the stuck, release the stuck, and all of the junk and baggage that goes with it, and let your life flow like a wonderful crystal stream moving closer to your dreams.

What is betrayal? What is betrayal if you accuse me of the things you do yourself? What is betrayal when there is no open communication in our relationship? I know that half of the things you do, you do not want to tell me as a means of protecting me when things go haywire. But is it worth it? Are there no other ways of earning a buck or two? Is this really what we are hanging on to? Means of making money rather than to collect our strenghts and face the world together – like we used to. You stopped being you and you stopped letting me be a part of what you are doing, because you feel like I stopped believing in you. Maybe I did. Maybe I’m being realistic and seeing that it’s not working. It never really did, because it created the mess we are in now, a mess that we’re in together and knee deep.

What am I to think? What have we become if we can’t trust each other? What is left of our relationship when we feel like we need to keep trace of each other’s steps behind each other’s back?

 

being stuck doesn’t always mean you’re “stuck”, sometimes it means you’re right where you need to be, regardless of whether you like it or not. -WillowJoyce

I prayed earlier that God grant me the patience and strength to deal with my mother, my former abuser–now actual mommy. I think sharing with you all (and myself!) in print some of the feelings of my abuse by my mother really moved me emotionally. I am not going to gloss it over and say releasing my feelings led me to some happy place, or gave me some resolution. But, I did finally speak the truth, I said what I had never said “out loud” per say.

I spent most of yesterday dragging myself around, “acting opposite to emotion”. I brushed my teeth, showered, dressed in a cute outfit, and styled my hair fighting against my lack of will to do so. I finally did get a little enjoyment out of the day by dinnertime. One of my group therapists (tx’s) describes depression as “getting stuck”. I’d like to explore that more on another day, but I definitely felt stuck in the feelings that I couldn’t identify about my mother. Whatever feelings they are, they caused me to feel as though I could contentedly hide under a blanket and be a hermit for the rest of my days.

I started to feel a little better around the time of The Shower. But, after I showered and dressed, I was happily dying my mother’s hair when I brought up the subject of her lack of weight gain during her pregnancy. She denied everything about her lack of care for herself and for me while in utero. There’s a shocker ::rolls eyes::. I was mindfully able to let all of that go because she and I both know she’s a notorious, pathological liar. To be honest, sometimes I think she lies just to preserve her own sanity, especially about her own self-perception.

However, this morning, I was pensive and exploring the change in my mood and behaviors since I visited her and my stepdad in Vegas last. I realized how much more control I had over bad thoughts, unfair/explosive reactions; how much more self-aware I am. Despite the fact that I’m most certainly in a difficult place because of my depression and trauma symptoms, I have made huge strides from the passive, aggressive (notice I didn’t say passive-aggressive), emotionally dysregulated (and often emotionally dissociative), unaware woman I was two years ago. I started my laundry at around 6:30am, have been cleaning up after myself, have helped around the house–things that my 15 y/o persona would throw a fit about (bc I wouldn’t listen to her, mind you, she and I co-exist now lol and I am able to take care of my adult responsibilities now, most days). I wanted to be recognized for all that’s changed even if just via a brief comment at some point during my trip when my mother said, “Why do I always have to treat you like a child?”. I felt and still feel very invalidated by that. Should I tell her bc I have quite a few CHILD PARTS Mom?!? (You’re not sitting with me, but if you were, you’d realize I’m smirking. I’m poking fun, at myself, at this point because I realize that I’m letting hostility settle when I should be setting it free) Should I curse her out? I went through quite a few shoulds after she said that to me, and I’ve yet to find the “correct one”, and by that I mean the one that preserves my self-respect, while getting my point across. I am not a child (unless dissociated which is a whooooole different ball game). I simply wasn’t getting in the shower fast enough for her because I was doing my laundry and some other things. She has no idea the effect that question had on me, especially since during all the time I lived with her as a child, I had to “mother” her because she was totally incapable of being an adult, never mind mother. Her question brings up a lot of issues for me, as I’ve already shared, but it also brings out a little bit of unhealthy anger (that I’m scared of) because SHE never treated me like a child when I was one, and she is a slice in the pie chart of how I lost my childhood.

I’m glad you’ll soon get to see what you are missing now. I hope you choke at the sight of me. You did this.

“I’m Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It’s Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .”

Please just leave me alone. You’ve given me writers block so bad, not like words could express what I feel anyway. Just leave me be. You made this happen, and as much as you might deny it, it’s all about me. I “hurt” you, well you hurt me far too much. I was told to grow up, so I did, and all that growing up I did, had no room for you. You were never going to bring me down. You started to, but I had someone looking after me even though he was never around. Stop pouring your heart out, you were never good for me.

Source: AutoBlog

For the last couple of months, Toyota has been in hot water.  At least one accident has already been blamed on a dislodged floor mat, which can cause the gas pedal to become stuck under in a wide-open position, leading to unintended acceleration.  In all, there are 3.8 million affected vehicles, and Toyota says it has over 5 million dollars earmarked for recalls.

Source: Inside Line

The problem was reported to be in the design of the floor mat catch, which can allow the floor mat to slide forward, blocking the gas pedal from returning to an “idle” state.  Now, it’s being reported that Toyota may announce that it will shorten the gas pedal on affected vehicles.

An interesting design issue surfaced a month or so ago, wherein it was found that when the gas pedal is pushed down on some Toyota vehicles, the amount of power able to go to the braking system is minimized, which can lead to one of the affected vehicles not being able to stop as quickly, if at all.  Some cars have “smart throttles” now, which prevent the car from accelerating when the brake pedal is pushed down.

Consumer Reports has an excellent article on how to stop your car if you experience the issue at hand, and they include other makes as well.  They say to shift your car into neutral.  Don’t turn the key off or hold down your Engine Start/Stop button (where equipped) to stop the car, as will shut down your power steering and brake systems as well, making the car more difficult to maneuver, and possibly harder to stop as well.  By shifting into neutral, you leave the power steering and brake systems active, and most modern cars have a limiter in them to prevent engine damage from keeping the gas pedal floored.  Once you’ve come to a complete stop, you can turn off the engine.

The affected models are the following:

• 2007-2010 Camry
• 2005-2010 Avalon
• 2004-2009 Prius
• 2005-2010 Tacoma
• 2007-2010 Tundra
• 2007-2010 ES 350
• 2006-2010 IS 250 and IS 350

The following YouTube video shows a news report which shows the aftermath of the accident which prompted the investigation and subsequent recall.  It also shows the car which was involved in the accident:

By John Suit

Sources: AutoBlog, Consumer Reports, Inside Line

There is too much happening now to not enjoy anything, and maybe thats why I haven’t been able to, or felt like, start writing the script again.  I can’t concentrate on it at the moment.  COD MW 2 just came out, it’s ridiculous if you didn’t already know.  I guess cheap wine is good.  Some old woman at the liquor store said “there’s no such thing as bad wine” and then she gliqued through the empty tooth slot in her front teeth.

To glique is when you kinda shoot saliva from your tongue.  Bet you didn’t know that.

Walked around the lake tonight, it was dark, but a good walk nonetheless.

But yeah, the movie, as with many goals I have tried to set and follow, I get more done if I just don’t do that.  It will get done when I decide to finish it.

I`ll keep this first part brief since I don’t think many of you are wrestling fans but I went to see the WWE on Sunday and OMG!!!!!!! It was amazing!

My seats weren’t as good this time as I was stuck in the middle of a row and that meant I could shoot to the ringside as quick but nothing was coming between me and my wrestlers so with a bit of pushing I made it there!

C M Punk and Christian

Look how close I got! Ladies, are you starting to see why I like wrestling so much? 3 1/2 hours of hot muscley men, whats not to like?  

This is the one I REALLY wanted to see though: 

I have watched wrestling since I was little, I grew up watching this man on tv, he is my childhood idol and to actually see him in REAL life was a dream come true.

I was so close to him, he came over to the barrier where I was at as well,  at that point I think my heart stopped!

Anyhow it was a great night overall and I cant wait to go again sometime. Being there made me think about what I am missing out on in life, I`m missing out on having fun. Every day to me is just the same boring ritual and I can’t seem to bring myself to ever let go and have fun, I dont smile anymore, I dont have any interest in anything, I dont look forward to anything, overall I’ve lost the ability to enjoy life.

I feel like I am constantly stuck in the middle, stuck between two people, wanting one thing, feeling another. It’s like with my ed I am not recovered but I`m not desperately ill like I used to be, I can still exist and live a reasonable life as I am, I can work and I can function. Part of me wants to get better and be normal again but then part of me wants to get thinner and sicker. I took a  photo of myself at the wrestling and I just can’t look at it, all I do is look at my face and think my cheeks are to fat and I begin to remember how I had razor sharp cheekbones when I was thinner.

I want to meet someone and have that fairytale romance and fall madly in love and get married but then part of me gets scared at the thought of that, part of me is terrified of getting close to someone. I dont think I`d ever be able to let go and loosen up enough to let someone in, to just let go and have fun with someone, have a proper relationship, I feel so rigid and like an ice queen.

I want to enjoy life and have a job that I love and live in a country I love and do things I enjoy but then part of me worries about the practicalities of life, I need a job with job security so I should go to university and do the logical choice of being a Radiographer. Then I begin to worry even further, I dont want to go to uni, I`m terrified of the thought, of being all alone again with no friends because I just cant make friends, of not fearing I had made the wrong choice and was forever stuck in this career now. Fearing that I`ll be trapped and wont get to achieve me dreams of moving abroad.

Sometimes I think that maybe I think to much?

Sunday was a chaotic day with trying to get things ready for the week and trying to get ready for the show, so I didnt have much time and needed something quick for dinner. Much to my delight last week I stumbled upon some Veg Pots!!!!!!!! Only problem being the shop I got them in is ages away but anyhow I got to try a new flavour for me:

The Mexican Sweet Potato Chilli: This was a spicy veg pot with brown rice, jalapeno peppers, potato, sweet potato, a whole range of beans and lots of other stuff mixed in!

As usual Innocent Veg Pots never fail, this was just delicious! It was pretty spicy compared to their other ranges but then I`m not very good with spicy food so others might not think so. I love how each pot is just packed full with veggies and beans , the only down side is they are all pretty low in protein content so I had a grilled chicken breast with this as well to bump that up. It seems like such a simple recipe, I wish I could re create it because they really are so good!

Well I`m away now to watch some I`m a celeb and see some celebs get tortured in the jungle, night all!

The thing about being stuck, is you have no idea how long it’s going to last, or what you did to get “Stuck” in the first place… it just happens… perhaps it’s incompetence, or maybe it’s God’s giant pause button, His way of stopping the movie in the middle, because He wants us to learn something, or maybe He just wants us to hold still while He looks at us for a little while…

The fact of the matter is, almost everyone gets stuck every now and then… it’s that time in your life where you feel like your car was trapped in the mud, and everything you do, is just burning fuel, completely senseless… And some, like myself, stay in that spot, so long, they sometimes forget what it means to move, and then, they stop trying…

I suppose that’s a pretty rotten way to start a post… I just write what’s on my mind… if you don’t understand me, I can totally empathize, sometimes I don’t understand myself… which is partially why I started this blog in the first place…

I find that by discussing my thoughts, and by expressing what’s on my mind, I can make sense of the tangled web of ideas in my head… now, some would prefer a journal… but, the way I see it, that’s a whole lot of time and energy being poured into a book that no one but you, (and maybe a very close someone) will ever read… For me, I like it better this way… I imagine that somewhere, from time to time, a few people look back at what I’ve written, and that helps me feel understood and appreciated… that perhaps some of my gifts are being utilized… lol, cause I’m fairly confident they’re not being used jotting down ribeyes and chicken ceasars …

Friends… Friends… Friends… why don’t I have any close friends to go out and do fun stuff with?…

I ask myself this often, and when I do, it makes a cold chill run up my spine, remembering days when I had a strong group of friends in a far off place… and a warm cup of chai

I guess I could… but I’m not sure that I’d want to…

Here’s the thing…

I’m a Third Culture Kid, which means I was brought up in a foreign country, but I was born in the USA… now, you might be getting pictures in your head of movies you’ve seen of far off countries and nifty safaris with tribesmen running around in loin cloths…

please don’t…

instead, take those pictures, wipe them from your mind, and try to hear me out…

When someone says that they’re a third culture kid, they mean that they were exposed to more than one culture while they were growing up… thus the TWO (or more) cultures, combine to form a THIRD culture… and that THIRD culture is the culture the child is a member of… a culture with no ONE country of origin…

Third culture kids are also referred to as “Global Nomads”…

If you’d like to check the wikipedia page on TCKs…
Click Here

Anywho… I’m no expert on this, and so anyone who knows more about TCKs is more than welcome to fill me in… but these are a few of the main points as I understand them to be…

1. The person, identifies more with where they were raised, than where their parents were raised, but are not fully at home in any ONE culture…

2. Because of their international experience, they often have a much broader worldview than their peers

3. While they seem to resonate well with other Third Culture Kids (even those to (or from) other countries), they often find it difficult relating with people of their home or target cultures

4. Their sense of belonging is found in relationship to others of a similar background

<note: all of the facts above were near copy paste from Wikipedia, check MK’s for more info>

Back to my point… about friends…

I don’t feel I can relate to them!

I try to… I really do… but it comes out all awkward… so I don’t… I’d rather have a shallow relationship than none at all… but the thought of having a meaningful relationship with someone that is only partially genuine, hiding behind barriers and fixed protection points… the thought of this fills me with a bleak fear that I might loose myself in the process… like I’d have to chop off two of my limbs and forget about them before they’d accept me as their friend…

A friend of mine recently told me, that by nature, we Third Culture Kids tend to jump in, too hastily… we usually skip to the third step in a relationship, and often reveal too much, too quickly…

I don’t hold it against Americans… I really don’t… I recognize it’s simply cultural differences… They’re brought up to think that it’s WEIRD to be open and honest in an early friendship, and then move deeper after that… but… although I don’t blame them, I may not bond very easily…

I feel it’s also important to add… (for fear of being sorely misunderstood) that I in NO way see myself as “better” than those I don’t “click” with… It just means I don’t get them, and they don’t get me… what more can I say?

When two TCKs get together, it doesn’t matter where they’re from, or where they’ve been, all of a sudden, they’re closer than most siblings… It’s just the way we are… and Americans (AS A WHOLE) don’t seem to be largely wired to respond well to this tendency…

So I fake a smile…

I say something I hear them say, so I sound like them…

I use the mannerisms that they use, in an attempt to mask the true depth of relationship I REALLY desire to have…

And I go home, realizing I’ve talked all day, but haven’t said a thing…

If it weren’t for my family living in close proximity, I’d be a cold vault of expression, completely closed off to the world around me, except of course the small percentage needed to maintain a working relationship…

I’m tired of wearing masks, I just want real people with real feelings that aren’t afraid to show them…

But even I know not to show my emotions… people can be pigs… pigs that feed off delight as if it’s childish and immature to be a dreamer…

Well… this is my place… this is the surrogate for the relationships I wish I had… the place I come and tell about my life, and express what’s on my mind, in hopes that those that read will understand better than those near me…

It’s so backwards in the US… I mean… as far as I’ve observed… the prime locations to socialize, where it’s actually OK to have REAL conversations about what’s on your mind… are in bars… oh, and another favorite is a cigarette chat… the one where you ask if the other has a light… and before you know it, you’re having a deep chat, you know, the kind I was looking for in the first place… and now the girl is talking about how she went to Hollywood to become a writer for a theatre, and WOW you just made a friend!…

Ugh…

What about people that don’t smoke or drink? (not that I have anything against people that do BTW)

Yes, there’s college, but if you’re not in school… that limits your options down to churches…

Which brings me to yet another thought…

Have you ever noticed how churches have a children’s building, they’ve got the youth group, and then the adult bible study… but… what about the in between’s?… what about the 20 to low 30’s?… that’s a good 15 years… and they don’t seem to cater to this audience very strongly… which is quite frustrating, as right now, I wish I had a community of peers more than any other time…

Isn’t this the time in your life when you’re really starting to make your own decisions?… shouldn’t it be a prime objective for churches to target this group of highly influential young adults?…

I don’t mean to sound like I have all the answers…
I really don’t…

To be honest, I have questions, not answers… lots and lots of questions…

One of the few exceptions to my inability to relate, are the INFPs I’ve become friends with over the Internet, of whom I seem to resonate quite well with… I greatly appreciate their non judgmental side, as I know this means they’re sincerely listening to me… and in nearly every conversation, I feel my frustration peacefully slipping away… suddenly I’m understood, and there’s no need to explain… no need to elaborate… it’s wonderful to be accepted and understood on such a depth… Sadly INFP’s are rare, and I’ve not found others in my area… not that I’ve looked terribly hard… perhaps I should… perhaps I would… but I’m stuck… and now this post ends where it begins…

I told you… I’ve got questions… not answers
-Paul

PS: This is a film someone made on youtube using a great song, from a great movie…

The song is composed by a fench musician (Yann Tiersen)