I did this to myself
I did this all to myself

I put my foot in the bear trap and wiggled it around
Just waiting patiently waiting to get captured by her iron teeth

It is unimagineable
Why would i do this again
Why would I trust her
Why would I kiss her again

No metaphors this time
It was just plain stupid

The first full episode of my Star Cloud series!

Star Cloud Season I Episode I
When Muppets Attack

Cloud Strife finds himself abducted by space turtles and forced to become the new captain of the Muppet Ship (MS) Dorothy after an unfortunate incident involving the former captain, his ex-lover, and an electric dildo.

Thank you for watching and stay tuned for more STAR CLOUD! in HD.

Copyright 2007-2013 Cosmic Fantasies and Screaming Cloud Studios

All characters and situations depicted are parody and meant for entertainment purposes only. Any situations or peoples similar to those living, dead, or serious exist purely for satire and/or unintentionally.

But today… today he saw me. He sat beside me on the train. I was trapped. I couldn’t run away. We talked. He asked where I was last Friday. I lied and told him I didn’t know that he came to visit. I tried to stay cool but the truth is I really wanted to run away… but at the same time, I also wanted to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and his beautiful smile.

I really like him but at that moment, I felt so unprepared. I felt ugly. Why’d you have to see me at my worst?

I just don’t think I’m good enough for someone like him. God, please let me get over him…please…

I was supposed to be some rip-off of the Cheshire Cat, only I was a black cat, and I had two other black cats in my posse (non-speaking roles, the losers). Now, if you know me at all, you know that I am more than mildly OBSESSED with Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, so I felt like an asshole playing a black non-Cheshire Cheshire Cat, but also, I wanted to be a star, so I took the part.

I’M SORRY – I NEED TO INTERRUPT MYSELF FOR A SECOND.

I need to let you all know that when you Google image search “Cheshire Cat,” this

WHAT THE FUCK.

shows up well before this

2 LEGIT 2 QUIT.

I feel like I need to just QUIT LIFE now. Fucksake.

(Jesus. Seriously. Ugh.)

ANYWAY.

So I was playing a rip-off cat. And the lead of the entire show was some Disney Princess® mash-up disaster (played by the music teacher’s daughter, naturally). And in the scene we shared, I was supposed to sort of taunt her. (But I didn’t know that at the time.)

This was my line (yes, I remember it exactly): “Just look at her! The girl’s flawless!”

JUST ONE ISSUE.

I was nine and I had no idea what “flawless” meant. So I thought I was just like, stating a fact, and I had no clue what the fact was.

So I said my line like someone who had no idea what it meant.

My music teacher called me out on it one day in rehearsal.

“Andrea, Andrea,” She had both arms up in the air and her glasses tight on the very tip of her nose, “Let’s talk about the delivery of that line.”

I stared at her.

(I was nine.)

“You need to be more – well, your delivery, it’s – here’s the thing: you’re being sarcastic. She’s not actually flawless. You’re being sarcastic about it. So I need to hear that.”

JUST ANOTHER ISSUE.

I had no idea what “sarcastic” meant either.

I nodded at my music teacher, the nerves of what was sure to be my Tony Award winning performance getting to me.

I needed to own this line.

SPOILER ALERT: I didn’t.

My music teacher continued to yell “SARCASTIC” at me in rehearsals, and my answer was simply to say the line LOUDER and ENUNCIATE.

At least I looked cute dressed as a black cat.

But not this cute.

That was when I learned that acting is hard.

Also, to ask if you don’t know what a word means.*

xA

*Especially if you don’t know how to pronounce it. This one stupid girl in the show had obviously never seen the word “deny” written down before, and she would always pronounce it “DEN-ee,” even after my music teacher corrected her. And she was in grade six! I’ve been judging that girl since the fourth grade!

Democrats believe it benefits all of us to help the weakest  and the poorest among us. Republicans believe it benefits all  of us to help the wealthiest and most powerful among us. Democrats believe everyone is entitled to health care  regardless of their ability to pay. Republicans believe  everyone is entitled to jack squat if they can’t pay for health care.

There were fifteen of those comparisons and all were just as ridiculous as the two above. First, if you want to know what Democrats are and what they believe … just listen to what they accuse others of. The problem with Democrats (liberals) is they confuse Republicans with conservatives. You see, all Democrats are liberal, but Republicans are conservative. Knowing that I think I’ll do a identification lesson on how to know if a person is a liberal and what they and Democrats believe.

You’re a liberal if you do something wrong … but it’s always someone else’s fault.

You’re a liberal when you think infanticide is “women’s health care”.

Democrats believe in exploiting minorities for votes.

Democrats believe in keeping poor people poor.

Democrats rejoice in the deaths of children so they can exploit them for a political agenda.

Liberals call it “free speech” when someone tramples on the American flag.

Liberals believe no one has the right to be richer, smarter, have more talent, or better looking than them.

Liberals believe boys and girls are the same.

Liberals believe it’s beneficial to teach 5 and 6 year old children about adult sex.

Liberals believe it’s racist to disagree with Barack Obama.

Liberals believe it’s not racist to call conservative black politicians “Uncle Tom”, “House N**ger”, etc.

Liberals believe Democrats don’t lie. Democrats know liberals think they don’t lie … so they keep lying to them, and liberals keep believing them.

Liberals hate rich people … unless they are rich liberals.\

Democrats hate rich people … unless the rich donate to Democrats.

Liberals hate any reference to God by anything state-run … Yet Obama is god to them.

Democrats and liberals (one and the same) still blame Bush after nearly five years of Obama.

Liberals believe in “global warming” … yet even the Huffington Post admits the earth is cooling.

Liberals believe Hillary Clinton doesn’t lie.

Liberals believe Ambassador Stevens and the three other Americans “sacrificed” their own lives in Benghazi.

Liberals believe the Ground Hog Day prediction.

Liberals believe Guam will tip over if too many people are on the island.

Liberals believe Obama-care will be free.

Liberals believe in feeding and clothing the poor … as long as it’s not their food and clothes being used.

Democrats claim to care for people of color … yet unemployment is about twice that for them than the national average.

Democrats believe only they have a right to keep and bear arms.

Liberals believe guns kill people

That’s enough. You get the idea. Liberals remain willfully ignorant and Democrats love it.

~~~

And here is a little tid-bit that pretty much sums up why liberal men are the way they are …

Via: Mail Online

Men who are physically strong are more likely to have right wing political  views

• Weaker men  more likely to support welfare state and wealth  redistribution
• Link  may reflect psychological traits that evolved in our  ancestors
• Strength was a  proxy for ability to defend or acquire resources
• There is no link  between women’s physical strength and political views

MORE HERE

Nice rack!

I couldn’t believe the state it arrived in though! The seller had wrapped it in some bubblewrap, then a black bin bag, then some brown parcel tape. The ends of the rack and some of the prongs had pushed through and were sticking out. I can’t believe it wasn’t bent or damaged, nor can I get my head round someone thinking that was an acceptable way to send something like this. They’ll be getting neutral feedback at best, I think.

As an aside, did you know you have to wait for 7 days before you can leave neutral or negative feedback on eBay as a buyer? And did you also know that that sellers can’t leave anything but positive feedback? It really rather makes a mockery over the whole process when you are so strongly discouraged from leaving anything other than positive feedback.

Welcome to the FINAL part of our reading of Batman Triumphant! We get more Mayor Krol, more Crispin Glover, and even a quick taste of Dean Roland. I can’t believe it’s really over. It wraps up in a surprisingly not-horrible way, so get listening, kids!

Click HERE to listen!

Click HERE to read along!

Or click HERE to start over from Part One!

And then:

iTunes!                     @BobbyKoester!                 Facebook!                @WillRogers2000!                  YouTube!

Next week: something new!

As a continuation of my Monday rant, which you should check out, I’ve decided to tackle gun control. Let’s see, yes guns and ammunition sales should be restricted, no they shouldn’t be completely banned, (which no one is trying to do, but we’ll get to that soon) no I don’t want to put a fully automatic assault rifle in the hands of any random person, yes I think people should be allowed to have as many rounds in their magazine as they want. As far as I know the legislation that’s being tossed around is to require more in-depth background searches in order to own firearms. That I’m in favor of, no problem at all. The fact that we don’t have strict enough background checks already astonishes me. Now, onto the whole banning guns thing. To my knowledge there is no legislation being discussed that would entirely ban firearms. Yet. Every hunter/sporstman/outdoor enthusiast and dare I say redneck will argue that it’s background checks today. Tomorrow it will be magazine size and by Friday the FBI will be knocking down my door to seize everything that uses gunpowder, including that dynamte you made on Minecraft last night. If you don’t understand that reference, don’t worry about it. This is what us Philosophy majors like to call a “slippery slope argument.” The same argument is commonly used to oppose gay marriage but we’ll save that topic for another day. Or never. Now for an easy representation. A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, lmnop, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, and z. You see that little blurb in the middle without comma’s? that is a slippery slope. Now the problem is discovering which letter background checks are. The A? The G? or the K? I don’t know. I doubt there’s any single person who knows. Just my two cents but I’d like to believe that people are smart enough to think about what they’re saying before spouting off nonsense about “the man” coming to take their weapons. Which brings me to my next point. Stupidity!

Alright before you object, I know I’ve talked about this before but apparently it’s so prevalent that it just never ceases to exist or show its ugly head every opportunity it has. This time I’m not talking about specific cases, just stupidity in general. I’ll use one age old case I’m sure you’ve all heard of. A woman spills coffee on herself, gets burned because it’s hot, sues McDonalds, and wins. Seriously? Ok apparently it was “hotter than it should have been.” Did they put lava in your cup? And how would anyone know how hot it was? “Ouch I just burnt my arm because I spilled my coffee on my arm because I’m a clumsy idiot! Better check what temperature it is!! LOL!!” Sounds like a bad Instagram post. Next, who spills coffee on themselves as an adult? What adult spills in the first place? Did you forget to check that habit at age 7? Ok I’m not saying I’ve never spilled anything as an “adult” (I’m still a kid at heart, always will be) but in public? “But Grant! Maybe somebody bumped her!” Ok, did she sue that person as well? “Maybe they didn’t put the lid on tight!” Did she sue the person behind the counter? Believe me, stupidity doesn’t exist on a small scale. Just look around, you can probably spot an idiot or two. I just did and unfortunately all I can see is a mirror. Yes believe it or not even I am capable of acts of stupidity. Shocking, I know.

Guns and stupidity. A winning combination right? Nothing bad ever happens when you combine those two! Might as well throw in some alcohol and discover a cure for cancer. Oh well, I suppose all a guy can do is whine to the internet community and see who listens. Like I said in the beginning tune in on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and probably Friday’s. Take time outta your day to check up on my little pet project and I’ll return the favor. Happy Wednesday everybody!

Although I am left with a static product, I feel whole stories from them. I am disappointed to call this a finished product because I really hope to animate them when I have the resources, even if that is once the class is over. I have basic personalities for each crystal creature that would flesh out in further work. I hope with a persistent eye a viewer may see what I see, in the confused longing of the clumsy amethyst, and curious confidence of the white spidery geode, and the explosion of tiny bravery from the eager blue geode.

The uselessness of lawns really bothers me, but what bothers me even more is what people put onto their lawns to make them perfect – chemicals. Just yesterday I was walking through some grass in my neighborhood and enjoying being barefoot, only to discover a sign posted that I should keep off the lawn because it had just been treated. This treated lawn has no weeds growing in it, is bright green and thick, but at what cost? A neighbor’s cat was rolling around in it and enjoying what should be a natural environment for a cat. Birds swooped down looking for the supper from the ground. Ducks waddled through the lawn on their way to the water, which will be full of chemicals every time the rain washes them down. Children want to dash through the lawn. Dogs frolic and play catch with their owners. They will come into contact with nasty, poisonous chemicals… all because we want perfect, green lawns. It’s ridiculous and unethical, in my opinion. Putting something like the aesthetics of a lawn over the health of people, animals, and the environment as a whole is deeply selfish.

P.S. Dandelions and other “weeds” are really pretty and may even have medicinal or edible properties!

1) it’s so friggin hot.  And people just keep on letting me know that it will only get worse.

2) Since our kitty had an accident and needed a visit to the vet, going there has become a weekly source of dread.

3) drinking.  I have a hangover halfway through my beer.  Not because I haven’t  been drinking water either.  I drink my body weight in water it seems like, I can’t believe that my body hasn’t just turned into a damp rag. I just can’t seem to get enough water in me.

I know, I know, look for the good things, be positive, it’s all an adventure. But can’t it be an adventure with a pleasant climate, no cat troubles, and a drink?

Also I really want some cheese right now.

English: Look out! Look out! Pink elephants on parade . Here they come! Hippety hoppety. They’re here, and there. Pink elephants everywhere. Thats what she said (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Call it a theme or whatever you want, the notion of Man vs. Beast has always fascinated someone, certainly me. So when I read the headline “Drunk Man Charges Elephant,” I was enticed. After seeing the clip below, I thought, “What if the tables were turned?” Within seconds I was relegated to a childhood memory, Disney’s DUMBO.

In a scene I vividly recall, little Dumbo gets drunk and begins to… hallucinate? How else does one explain the purple, pink, green, and yellow elephants that begin to warp little Dumbo’s drunken fest?

Anyway, if one day I choose to charge an elephant, I not only hope to survive, I also hope that it’s as drunk as Dumbo and maybe, just maybe he too will think I’m just a Giant Purple Elephant… specifically from a Disney cartoon.  Enjoy!

What about love? We haven’t ruined that? Telling kids that sex is “magical” with people with love? That’s stupid. It’s just stupid. Sex is great, yes, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t see how love can make it any better.

Or that people make love out to be this great big unbreakable thing. It’s very breakable. It crumbles every day. And then there’s tv shows like Glee that teach kids that it’s okay to get married at 17 years old, which just ups the divorce rates which makes love this temporary thing.

Love is a like long thing. I believe that when you love someone, no matter what, a small part of you will always love a small part of them. Always.

If love is something temporary that can just be abolished then it’s nothing. Just like everything else that this world has given to people. We trade our phones when a new one comes out. We get rid of our computers when it gets old. We changed the channel when we don’t like the thirty minute show. We’ve created a world where everything is temporary.

So yeah, my idea of love is ruined. It’s not like I want to keep it going on this way. I’d like to fix it.

But 18 years of seeing my Dad get divorced all the time, my idea of love is kind of ingrained in my brain as stupid, pointless, and useless.

Really the Webster’s dictionary should change it to something like a temporary infatuation. Because that is what WE have turned it into.

Hearing:

How can throwing a female who is a victim of  not 1 repulsive rapist but of 3 evil rapists, into prison for having sex out of wedlock be any kind of justice. The woman never asked to be raped, she wasn’t flirting with the attackers or leading them on in any way. Nor was she dressed provocatively and even if she had of been doing it still doesn’t give anybody the right to violate her. Despite being totally blameless in any of her ordeal. Under Islam’s stupid Sharia the female victim is persecuted and treated like an offender.

Sharia and Islam discriminate against non Muslims and females as victim who happens to be both found out. Because she never had 4 male witnesses to confirm she had been raped. With the Quran stating that sex from females is every Muslim males right, Sharia considers it lawful.

This womans horrific ordeal should serve as a warning to all of possible things to come in the future. This is why we need to carry on opposing the Islamization of our infidel lands by Muslims and those who appease them. NO SURRENDER   

With Dubai emerging as a major stopover point for long haul journeys, five hundred flights a month will deliver over one million of us to the United Arab Emirates (UAE) in the next year.Dubai is being promoted as a luxury high-class paradise in the desert, but the reality is brutally different, as Australian Alicia Gali discovered. Gali took a job in the UAE with one of the world’s biggest hotel chains, Starwood. What happened next makes this story a must-watch for every Australian planning on travelling through the region.

Gali was using her laptop in the hotel’s staff bar when her drink was spiked. She awoke to a nightmare beyond belief: she had been savagely raped by three of her colleagues. Alone and frightened, she took herself to hospital. What Alicia didn’t know is that under the UAE’s strict sharia laws, if the perpetrator does not confess, a rape cannot be convicted without four adult Muslim male witnesses. She was charged with having illicit sex outside marriage, and thrown in a filthy jail cell for eight months.

A shocking story from the United Arab Emirates every Australian traveller needs to see for themselves. Now, finally home and struggling to move on with her life, Alicia breaks her silence for the first time on television to reporter Ross Coulthart. Alicia Gali was savagely raped in the United Arab Emirates, then charged with having illicit sex outside marriage and thrown in jail for eight months.

For more information on human rights in the UAE, go to Human Rights Watch or Amnesty International.

Video part 1 :  http://au.news.yahoo.com/video/national/watch/1e808c3f-2193-3d0d-ae39-7d810c84b565

Video part 2:   http://au.news.yahoo.com/video/national/watch/fea1b89e-9834-3502-b520-0e69519ca26f

Sunday Night emailed Alicia’s employer in the UAE, Starwood Hotels, with a detailed list of questions pertaining to her case.  This was their response:

“What happened in June 2008 to Alicia Gali, a former employee of Le Méridien Al Aqah hotel, was deplorable. While the hotel worked diligently on Ms. Gali’s behalf, the authorities investigated and prosecuted Ms. Gali under the local laws. Additionally, the men involved were also prosecuted and each served prison terms before being deported. As for Ms. Gali’s lawsuit against the hotel, we disagree with the allegations.

The hotel management provided support and assistance to Ms. Gali and her family throughout that time,
including assisting with medical support and the investigation, liaising with her representative Australian embassy and coordinating and arranging affairs with her family in Australia.

Starwood’s repeated approaches to discuss Ms. Gali’s claim with her attorneys have been ignored and declined. As this matter is part of an open on-going Starwood investigation and litigation commenced by Ms. Gali against Starwood and the Commonwealth of Australia, we cannot comment further at this time.

The safety and security of our associates and guests continues to be a paramount priority.”

We also contacted the Australian government Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade (DFAT) with a detailed list of questions regarding Alicia’s case.  This was their response:

“The Department rejects Ms Gali’s account of her dealings with the Australian Consulate in Dubai, as suggested in your letter of 7 May 2013. Ms Gali was provided with extensive consular assistance by the Australian Consulate in Dubai. Our consular officers do not give legal advice, but do assist Australians in trouble to obtain local legal advice.

As this matter is subject to ongoing legal proceedings, the Department is unable to respond to the questions raised in your letter or participate in the Sunday Night program. The Department will present its position as necessary during the course of the legal proceedings.”

In my opinion, most tattoos from the 90’s fall into three categories: stupid, clichéd and lucky.

Stupid
Is Yosemite Sam waving pistols on your shoulder blade? How’s that dolphin on your ankle? Maybe you’re a huge fan of turtles or geckos (at least when you’re picking a shabby drawing off the wall of a seedy tattoo shop.) Winnie the Pooh. Nothing else needs to be said about that. Are you a part-time dragon slayer? Maybe you’re rocking some ink in honor of your last kill? Sorry to my beautiful husband on that one. 15 years later he agrees that was choice he’d like to rethink. 19 year old boys should NEVER be allowed to 1: buy furniture (because they all think they’re decorating the set of Scarface) 2: get married 3: pick out a tattoo. None of those ever turn out well. Picture that zit faced ‘man’ lounging on his black pleather couch, next to his child bride, showing off the name “Crystal” that he just got in Old English across his neck. All sound ideas.

Clichéd
So Creed already had a lead singer, but you could still get a ‘tribal’ design around your bicep. Maybe a kokopelli is playing the flute on your muffin top? You just bought The Rosetta Stone to learn Chinese and been through some rough times, so why wouldn’t you plaster the symbols for strength, faith and patience on your…..on your…anything and everything. I’m not sure if the beloved tramp stamp falls into the stupid or clichéd category. If a giant butterfly is flying out of your crack, there’s a good chance you’re double dipping in both. The trend in fashion is really screwing a lot of 33-41 year old respectable women. Low rise jeans and just one poorly timed crouch is a sure way to ‘out’ your hidden ass antlers. She looked so nice in her sweater set, capris and ballet flats; then she bent over to tie Johnny’s shoe and a rainbow covered in ivy, squiggly lines and tropical (yet sad) flowers jumped off her back and punched me in the face.

Lucky
You know who they are; the rare breed of folks that got it right. I envy them. We don’t even need to get into it.

Don’t get me wrong, I like tattoos. A guy sporting tasteful sleeve is hot business; a guy with a Greatful Dead Bear on his calf, well, you do the math. I can poke fun, because, you see, I’m one of the dipshits that double dipped in the first two columns. It was 1996 and I was a senior. One of those seniors that turned 18 in December and got to do stupid shit like buy cigarettes and get tattoos. So I did both. You can quit smoking but you can’t quit a tribal sun on the side of your calf. I was going big, people. Why put it on my ankle where a sock could save me from later humiliation? No, get it out there. Wear it loud, wear it proud.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, here’s the real rub. 17 years later, it looks like an asshole more than a sun. I wish I was kidding. I work with assholes and not in the figurative sense, like ‘my boss is a real dick’. Nope. I work in an asshole clinic. So when I say my tattoo looks like an asshole, I mean it. And what’s better? It doesn’t even have the benefit of looking like a healthy asshole. It looks painful and mad, like it needs treatment and some professional TLC. Awesome. That’s the look I was going for.
 

I know there are things I could do to at least partially remedy the situation. Laser treatment? What if it just fades to a discolored shadow of an anus? A cover-up? Clearly I can’t be trusted to pick something that will remain a good idea until I’m in my 80’s. Luckily I live in Oregon. Nine months out of the year no one sees my pasty, anus dotted leg, except my husband. And he’s rocking a dragon, so what can he say? Off and on from July through September, I feel the judgment from sensible, smarter women. That is, until that snob bends over and flashes the world her ass crack disaster. Suck it, Business Casual! Me and my anus leg are on to you!

(And to be clear, friends and family….all if your body art is beautiful and totally unique. I’m not talking about you. I swear.)

1996 called. It wants its asshole sun tattoo back.