BUYING A GOOD USED PLATFORM

A PLATFORM is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.

Too many candidates neglect their platforms, and what happens? Why, just about the time Kate Smith stands up to sing, the whole thing collapses.

But on the other hand, you don’t want to spend too much time on it. I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.

And now without further ado I will give you a confidential peek at the Surprise Party platform, a document fo such insignificance that furture historians may well call it the Magna Carta of the Misdeal. The ideas came to me in a dream.

BE IT DISSOLVED:

That we, the undersigned, being duly registered members of the Surprise Party and relatives of Gracie Allen, do hereby, hereunto and here and there being of sound mind, severally and collectively swear to serve our country on the best terms possible, and solemnly subscribe to the following principles, to wit:

CONGRESS MUST GO:

The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony. This is entrenched privilege, but if it can’t be changed, let’s at least have a better floor show and get a few more Senators who looke like Jimmy Stewart.

Congressmen are well paid. Why should they be allowed to make those playing cards on the side? We favor putting Congress on a commission basis. Pay them for results. If they do a good job and the country prospers, they get 10% of the extra take.

END SECRECY IN FOREIGN AFFAIRS,

DEMANDS GRACIE:

If Charles Boyer is going around with Greta Garbo, the people are entitled to know about it. But I’m not really worried about this. Our Foreign Relations will be all right so long as they bring their own bedding and don’t stay too long.

This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I’ll have to send in a force to restore order.

THINK UP THINGS TO REORGANIZE:

I propose to extend the Civil Service to all branches of the government, because I think a little politeness goes a long ways, don’t you? For instance, Army officers will have to leave off those medals at dances. Hundreds of women now can’t wear their new formals without getting “For Valor” printed all over their collarbones.

The G-Men will be given useful work. The kidnapers are perfectly well able to take care of themselves, and we women want to know where our husbands go after the poolrooms are closed. And I’ll also see that the G-Men get an extra supply of policemen’s hats for lost children to be photographed in.

I furthermore demand free calendars for Cabinet Members. They have as much right as anybody else to know what day it is. About the WPA, SERA, CIO, AFL and SEC–I’m going to change all those letters to numbers, so we can play Bingo and the taxpayers can have more fun. And to set a better example to our youth, I will hereafter have it spelled Boulder D–m.

TAKE THE FIZZ OUR OF FISCAL:

The Federal Reserve System is all right as far as it goes, but personally I like Culbertson. And Free Silver to go with the Free China, Mr. Zanuck, or I’ll think up something that will make the Neely bill look like a Valentine!

My opponents worry about the national debt being almost up to $45,000,000,000. (This morning’s paper.) What’s the matter with that? We should be proud of it; after all, it’s the biggest in the world! But that’s a lot of money, so my plan is to put it in a safe bank. Even at 2% it’s a good investment, and putting it in three banks would make 6%. But learning to balance the budget would be a waste of time, on account of where would a juggling act get booking today, after what George Burns did to vaudeville?

For that matter, I think people are making altogether too much fuss about money and the budget. Why don’t we just buy what we need on the installment plan? A few dollars down, a few dollars a month, and before you know it the battleship is ours. And anyway, I’ll save a lot of money just by tightening up on government lending restrictions–I’m going to insist that all borrowers under five years of age be accompanied by parents.

UNEMPLOYMENT FOR EVERYBODY:

To take care of Emergency Relief, I plan to build thousands of new gas stations. But that’s a temporary expedient. What this country need is a permanent program, one that doesn’t yank a good picture in the middle of the week. The Wagner Act is all right as far as it goes, but it will never replace Olsen and Johnson.

My administration will nationalize the Gracie Allen Self-Delusion Institute, and give free correspondence courses. This will open up hundreds of new fields of endeavor, so that people who can’t find jobs in their own line will soon be without jobs in three or four different kinds of work. One of my first official acts will be to change the present 8-hour day and 5-day week to a 5-hour day and an 8-day week. This is supplemented by my “Incomes for Idleness” plan, which will soon be on sale at all toilet goods counters.

But Social Progress, no. Social Progress is not one of my goals. This country is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many people already, if you know what I mean.

So vote early and often. Don’t wait until Election Day. I may have found other work by then. Do it now! Pop out of bed. Mom out of bed, too! Everybody up–and call me when breakfast is ready.

BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS

It was all random fun is what I call it. Henry threw a little party on Willow in his treehouse!
Along with other bloggers and pandas, I was there.

I have to say, this was one of my best Pandanda times EVER. MoonGlow and PandaGuide both came and we all had fun with them. Henry wanted us to take pictures, so here you go Henry!
We had lots of fun and I got to meet PandaGuide!

 

Yesterday my first born was 40 years old.  Of course if you do your calculations right you will see that I was a 6 year old when he was born. LOL  No, I have to be honest and admit that I was the ripe old age of 19 when Michael came into this world.  He was the most precious baby.  So easy going, good eater, good sleeper and even tempered.  He hasn’t changed much in 40 years!  Yesterday he and his wife went with his in-laws to the big city and had a nice supper and went to a play.  They spent the night and got home today about noon.  I kept the granddaughters and we had a ball.

Today, after the girls left, I sat around in my PJ’s for a while and just relaxed and then about 3 pm I got  dressed and decided to go check out the party preparations we had planned.  We had hired a local lady to cater a supper for about 40-50 people.  We were holding it at the Senior Citizens building here in town.  When I got there at 4 absolutely NOTHING had been done to prepare for the party except for the food preparation.  I quickly turned on the “high speed” mode – yes, occasionally I do have one – and started getting things done.  I set up the tables, ran home and picked up some decorations I keep for emergencies, visited the Dollar Store and headed back to the SC building.  I began decorating and getting things ready to go for the 6 pm event.  Since I have mentioned before that we are really limited in our choices of shopping here in the big metropolis I had to make do with what I could find on short notice.

Just as I was finishing up, at 5:45, the first of the guests began to arrive.  I think we finally had about 45 people gathered to await the guest of honor.  We waited, we waited and we waited.  At 6:40 they finally arrived.  Seems his wife got the time wrong and then he suspected something and just drug his heels getting ready to see if she would freak out.  I think he knew something was up but just didn’t know what.

When he came into the building he said he was really surprised to see so many of his friends there.  He only expected family. 

He is an RN and we had a very appropriate cake made for him.

Yes, that’s a couple of butt cheeks, complete with wrinkles, getting a dose of pain via the needle.  The little kids thought this was hilarious and when we took the syringe out it left a little hole which his middle daughter promptly told everyone was the “butt hole”.    There were the usual gifts for the “older” folks like Depends, false teeth adhesive, laxatives, hearing aids, etc.  But the most unique was the big container of Cheese Puffs.  I didn’t understand until he read the card and it said that when he loses all his teeth he can suck on these until they get soft and won’t have to even chew.

While the birthday boy was the most important man in the room, he had a little competition for the attention of the women and girls from this handsome younger man:

This is Stone.  He is the son of my nephew and grandson of my sister, Midlife Slices.  Everyone wanted to hold and kiss on this little cutie.  Here my daughter is holding him and though we tried to convince her that she needed another one she adamantly refused on the basis that her husband was too old.   Ha ha ha – he is 40.

Finally my favorite photo of all.  I don’t have very many of my son and daughter and I after they both left the nest.  Aren’t they beautiful?  Okay, you don’t have to say anything but I think they are the most beautiful two people in the world.

Here is the birthday boy and his Mom.

Happy Birthday Mike!

(I wrote him a letter that his wife place in this huge scrapbook that she made for him.  I will post a copy of that soon.)

The party was perfect. I couldn’t have hoped for anything better! My mom and I left home around 11:30am to go to Williamsburg. We went to the outlets and shopped at Underarmour, Adidas, Nike, AE, Bath and Body Works, Victoria’s Secret, Ann Taylor, Coach, and BCBG…my fave! It was sooooo crowded, almost like Black Friday. Rediculous! But there were great sales, and I got lots of cute clothes We left Williamsburg around 5:45pm and started going home, and I drove sllllowly in order to not get home before 7! She didn’t suspect a thing, and I even think she bought my response when she asked “what all the cars were doing in my neighbor’s yard?” I just said they were having a party, and proceeded to talk about our shopping trip. We walked into the house and everyone was surrounding the doorway and yelled “surprise!” at exactly the right time. It was so so so perfect! Thank you to everyone who helped make this party a success-my dad, my amazing boyfriend, my aunt, and every single person who was at the party! Ya’ll are great

I’m going to post pictures when they are uploaded (hopefully!) but here is one Michael sent when they were decorating…this was before the mean “Over the Hill” decorations!!!

-xoxo

Oh, to be or not to be!

Today I received a letter from Hannah C’s parents telling me of a surprise birthday party at a bowling alley for Hannah’s 16th birthday this Sunday, the 15th. I don’t know if I want to go, because I would be in Canada over the weekend. If I am to go, I would have to leave my house at 1pm-ish and stay at the boarding house on Sunday night (I prefer to spend more time at home, in Canada, rather than stay at the boarding house and listen to kids scream till 8:30pm).

The thing is, I feel guilty if I don’t go. I think this is the first surprise birthday party I’ve ever been invited to (… yes yes – laugh at me all you want you apathetic world!), and this is probably one of the few I’ll attend for a DCD student. I’ve been invited to Anthony S’s Halloween party last year (which I couldn’t go to), and to a random get together hosted by Gracie (which I couldn’t go to), and whatever I’m forgetting (which means I’m probably not forgetting anything because I really am this introverted and anti-social)

I guess, if I were to live in the US I would be able to go. There would be no hassle at the motherfucking US border patrol (seriously people – the United States of America isn’t special enough to have terrorists wanting to go into the country every day), and I could stay home with my mom and bro. If this were a Friday night thing I would definitely go-lah

I don’t know – am I making up excuses or is it legit how it’s really difficult for me to go to another country for a birthday party? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just an apathetic and anti-social bitch who just likes to make excuses to feel better. Maybe I’m only calling myself a bitch so that I don’t feel so bad about being anti-social. Whatever.

At high noon today I crossed the state line and returned to the Republic of Texas. First thing I did, six miles in, was stop for a chopped beef sandwich, fried okra, and sweet tea.

It’s an easy drive from Little Rock to Dallas, where I am staying the night with my daughter Lydia. Lydia is a volunteer coordinator for the North Texas Food Bank, the largest food bank in Texas and the eighth largest in the nation. She manages a program involving over 17,000 volunteers.

When I arrived she surprised me with a handmade welcome back to Texas sign. Later her friends and some of their parents came by for tacos. They all brought Texas themed gifts, ranging from wine to plastic cowboy hats. Looks like I’m home.

Welcome Back to Texas

Lydia has followed my journey every day. She tells me that she is getting to know the real me. It is an important transition we make, from parent and child, to parent and adult child. There have been moments along the way when I have been concerned that my writing may have peeled away their idealistic view of me before its time. Maybe I shared too much, knowing my children, both of them, were reading. In the end, I decided that the honesty would perhaps create greater understanding of our shared histories.

Hopefully Lydia in particular will better understand her own impulse for adventure.

When she was twelve years old, my daughter, on her own initiative, proposed that she enroll in the People-to-People Student Ambassador Program. This was a major commitment. It involved months of preparation and a group study program prior to embarking on a 21-day trip. To AUSTRALIA! We told her she had to raise half the funds. For several months she read gas meters for a local company, and sold popcorn, to earn money.

It was hard to let her go, but I identified with her longing. It was something we could give her.

It didn’t stop there. She has already traveled widely. While I have been away on my trip, she has been to Georgia and Florida. Tomorrow I will put her on a plane to North Carolina.

Lydia lived in the Austin area when I first moved there. I had this idea that maybe we would live close to each other for years to come. I think that lasted about seven months. Next thing I know she had taken a job in Dallas.

I am thinking there is not much chance I will be able to keep her close. She has already started her journey.

project 365 entry for Friday June 5th, 2009

Yesterday, some of the kids went to Kings Island with their Youth Group. They paid for it by working at the church. They had fun.
Caitlyn & her friend, Hillary, threw a surprise 16th birthday party for Hillary’s sister, Abby. Abby’s mom told her they were coming to get them (Caitlyn & Hillary) so they could all go to the zoo for Abby’s birthday. Abby walked into the yard & everyone yells “surprise”. Now keep in mind this girl is not use to these kind of parties. You know what her reaction was? She looks at her mom & says, “So does this mean we’re not going to the zoo?” LOL Crazy kid. Oh well, she enjoyed the Mountain Dew themed party, even if it wasn’t the zoo.
Hope I made you smile. Until next time…

Today was Jason’s 30th birthday!! Even though Jason isn’t sure how he feels about it, and even though I’ve made him feel like an old man these past few days, 30 is not old! It’s the new 20 and I’m pretty convinced that Jay is going to look as young as he does for a long, long time. He’ll just be that lucky.

I wanted to plan something special for him, but we don’t have a whole lot of extra cash these days. We have some really amazing friends who all helped me throw Jason a surprise party on Tuesday evening, the night before. He had absolutely NO IDEA and just thought we were going to our regular Bible study that we have each week. Our great friends Katelyn and Casey hosted and Katelyn helped me to get everything set up before we got there (thank you Katelyn!!). It was so great to hang with friends and about 25-30 people came, which was absolutely perfect.

I do have to say that Jason’s cake did look like it was on fire with the amount of candles we put on it! I wanted to make sure he blew out 30 candles and no less! So we all ate cake and relaxed for a little bit and Jason was totally surprised!

Today, Wednesday the 4th we spent time together as a family! We’ve had a lot of those days lately but this day was extra fun! We didn’t have too much planned, but we did manage to make our way into the Apple store. Jay decided that it was time to exchange the phone that he’s had for our ENTIRE MARRIAGE for a brand new iPhone!! I’m not kidding- that phone that he had was seriously one that Zach Morris from Saved By The Bell probably used during his time at Bayside. He’s had it forever! So it was completely time for him to upgrade to the new millenium and join the rest of us with an iPhone. Ha! I’m glad he did!

Our little man crashed from ‘partying’ to hard with mom and dad. We hadn’t even left the Apple store yet and he was already zonked out!

We ate lunch at Liberty Market after our time at the mall. When it’s your birthday, they give you a meal up to $10 for free!! So Jay got an amazing pizza made by none other than Andrew Sterbenz and we visited with Andrea Alley while we were there too!

Our evening was pretty simple- we had a family dinner at Olive Garden (one of Jay’s favorites!) and then headed home. After we put Cruz to bed, we sat on the couch with baseball on TV and worked. Yes, we had to work on his birthday. We don’t have the luxury right now of having a day off- THAT’s how busy we are! But we are super grateful to have each other and to be able to celebrate another birthday together! Birthdays are super special to me- life is too short and you never know how many birthday’s you’ll have together. Gotta make ‘em count for sure.

Happy 30th Birthday to the love of my life, Jason! I love you and I can’t wait till we turn 60 together! I love you!

The party went great.  I received a a call in the morning to confirm or go over any last minute details which was nice.  At the actual party, the waitress was extremely attentive and friendly.  I would definitely recommend this to others!

Jennifer

The party was great.  Heather was an excellent host and very attentive, as was the the entire staff.  We did have a party crasher, so it was actually a good thing that security is provided,as  we needed his help in getting her out of the room!  All of the guests have told me what a great time they had and complimented the food.

Thanks,

Peggy

I had the unique opportunity to produce the party of a lifetime for my beloved father, and it was my absolute pleasure.  I am SO PROUD to call him my father.  I love him SO MUCH.  It was touching to witness the large amount of people who poured into the room… to pay homage to him and to all the good things he’s produced: friends, family, companies, memories to last us all our lifetimes.  He has truly touched MANY lives in a very positive way.  Frank changes lives.  I don’t know how he became such a good man but I feel the need to follow in his footsteps and not waste any of the lessons and skills he’s taught me.

I played the song “Kind and Generous” by Natalie Merchant for my father as our family of five stood in front of the room and honored him.  We gave him a framed collection of all of his career business cards, and we had all of the party guests sign the back.  My brothers and I gave him 3D wall art that looks like steel tubing that spells the word MAGIC in cursive for his Magic Room.  The gift perfectly represents the melding of his past steel tube manufacturing career and his future volunteer work as a magician.  A lifelong magician hobbyist, he now plans to focus in retirement on magic shows for kids.

I can’t describe the amount of joy and satisfaction I received from throwing my dad this party!  My father truly deserved a grandiose send-off.  He deserves everything I can give.  And I can’t ignore the fact that his retirement party had a deeper meaning because it was so succinctly timed with his Alzheimer’s diagnosis just four months ago.  This party was filled with both spoken and undercurrent messages of congratulations, thank you and goodbye from all of us.

The official party poster

Dad's initial reaction upon walking into his surprise party with Mom!

I heard from all three of my girl’s yesterday.  It makes it a good day.  Air Force Girl is doing well.  Her company did really well in “the Beast.”  They scored nearly a perfect score, only missing 2 points out of a possible 130.  So they get a ribbon on their flag stand for graduation.  Very cool.  She sounds so grown up when we talk these days. 

I also talked to Army Girl yesterday.  She was having a sad day, we all have them.  I hope I was able to cheer her up.  It is hard because all you want to do is give her a hug and I just can’t get my arms to stretch 3000 miles.  But I can make my heart stretch that far. 

Navy Girl was baking cookies when I talked to her.  She is still apartment hunting but the realtor sent her one that she thinks might be the one.  I hope so.  She says it has an awesome kitchen and for her that is the most important part.  She is working all day today so we will not hear from her today. 

The rose plant the girls gave me for my birthday is getting a lot of new growth.  The cats have quit eating it, I think.  I do not know how to make it flower though.  The information that comes with the plant just says pinch of old blooms to get more.  So I did, I haven’t seen any buds yet but it is definitely getting lots of new leaves.  I love having plants, the problem is the cats love having plants to eat.  They gave “bob” a trim eating every frond they could get to.  It doesn’t seem to have harmed ”bob” but it doesn’t make him look very good.  There is new growth on that one too.  I just would like to have more plants.  It is good for my environment. 

Hubby and I went to a friend’s surprise 50th birthday party last night.  He was actually surprised.  Pretty amazing since most of us knew about the party for almost a month.  It was a lot of fun.  We had great food and good company.  To bad the badgers lost but hey they were playing Ohio state.  Today is going to be one of those lay around and recover days.

Happy thoughts for a happy day!

Last Sunday was my boyfriend’s birthday. Considering his mom had called me on August 27th to discuss the details of this momentous occasion, I had high hopes for this day. You see, Jason had been saying that he wanted a surprise party. And how the heck do you throw a legit surprise party for the guy who has basically sent out a royal decree that he must be surprised during those 24 hours?

Well, I’ll give you a brief outline; here’s how the process went. First we decided to throw the party at his mom’s house, and that lasted all of three days before Jason declared that he Did Not Want a Party at His Mom’s House, don’t even think about it. “Okay,” I thought, “I have the perfect idea.” I then sent an email to his friends asking if they would be interested in getting together and surprising him with a game of laser tag. He is always talking about laser tag. And anime cartoons. But I figured laser tag was the way to go, everyone was into it, and then came Labor Day. On Labor Day, I was informed that his dad and step-mom wanted to throw him a surprise party. “Okay,” I thought, as I coolly accepted that all of my plans were likely not going to work out.

Let me let you in on a little secret: I LIKE BEING IN CONTROL. I like making plans. I am, how you say, a planner. Now you would never guess this, because I usually come off as being pretty reserved and agreeable when in most social situations, but holy hell, do I love to dictate What Will Happen. So this whole hodge-podge of everyone pulling to get their way on his birthday was a real lesson in patience for me.

Having said that and making myself out (pretty accurately) to be a monster, this control-freak condition of mine is equally crippling because – HA! Even when I do end up planning everything, things rarely turn out the way I had intended. For example, on Saturday night, I made Jason cupcakes while he was at a hockey game. I made them from scratch – a first for me. And I decorated the house with balloons and wrapped his present. It was a lovely display, really.

And then when Jason got home, before he saw any of this, I told him about a conversation I had with my mom earlier in the day in which I told her, “I’m making cupcakes tonight!” This information was totally unnecessary to my actual point at the time; I just decided to include this snippet because gosh, cupcakes are good. And then I realized that I had just flat-out told him the surprise and went into the corner to cry while he laughed and laughed. Cool.

Luckily, I did manage to surprise him by taking him to a park and renting a tandem bicycle. It was pretty magical because all I could think about was how we were just like the couple in that song, “Daisy, Daisy, give me your hand, I do… blah blah, and a bicycle built for two!” Also, I imagined myself as Juno riding her bike with her legs up in the air. I don’t recall if this actually happened in the movie or if I’m making it up, though. Here is a dramatic re-creation of what I looked like flying through the park:

And then, of course, we come to the surprise party. I was absolutely sure that we had him fooled and that we’d pull it off. So sure, in fact, that 2 hours before the party, I wrote this on Twitter: “2 hours until my boyfriend’s surprise party and I still haven’t let it slip! Knock on wood…” And I would say that up until about 20 minutes before the party, he still had no idea. But as we were on our way over to his dad’s house, he said, “Are you texting everyone to let them know when we’ll be there so that they can hide behind their chairs?” What! What a stinker! I had actually only sent two VERY SHORT texts, one to his sister and the other to his mom. And I had sent them while he was on the phone.  Note to self: Do not try to surprise boyfriend again.  (Of course, the birthday card he had gotten on Friday from his grandma had said, “Dear Jason, sorry we can’t make it to your party!” but he couldn’t read her handwriting and had given it to me to translate. I mumbled a few words and then threw it in the guest room).

It was still a good time, though, and the whole thing definitely taught me to chill out a bit. Does anyone still say “chill out?” It reminds me of Charles in Charge. Anyway, yes, I need to relax more and not get so tied up in my “planning.” Because really, spending all night secretly baking cupcakes and burning myself on the oven door only to openly confess exactly what I had been up to is pretty hilarious.

Today is my dad’s 50th birthday and my Mom took him up to Seattle for some fun. He had a surprise coming though because Mom had some of their friends surprise him by being in Seattle too! There are 12 people total staying in house up there. I’m super proud because I am a bad secret keeper, but I kept this one! He had no idea what was in store for him. Even though he was really surprised he is happy to be there and happy to have people he cares about there too. I just did TWO loads of laundry! Crazy I know! I did a load of towels and a load of dark clothes because I had been putting it off for too long. But now I have twice the amount of clean clothes. I love clean clothes because they smell so nice and they just feel good. I’m super tired though so I’m going to shower and then get to bed! I’m going to read in bed though because that is relaxing!

How did he find out!!

ISSUES AND HOW TO PICK THEM

EDITOR’S NOTE. We here reproduce the expurgated version of Miss Allen’s famous keyhole speech, in which she laid down the gauntlet to the major parties and defied them to pick it up without stooping. The complete version, including the juicy parts and printed on the best issue-paper, appears in the Congressional Record-Express, on sale by your local Congressman.

The speech follows.

Ladies and Gentlemen, and no corny cracks:

The splendid introduction of your Toastmaster, which was too glowing, I fear, for poor little me, reminds me of a story which I wish I could remember. But I couldn’t tell it in the dialect anyway, so I will just say that as I look out upon this sea of shiny faces I am uplifted, and also pinched in at the waist.

This is the greatest night of my life. How glorious it is to be here among my friends, for you are my friends, at least until election, in this fair city of _______, the garden spot of the great _______. (APPLAUSE.) I can say in all truthfulness that when last I tire of the mad whirl of modern life and want to find a place to die in, this is it.

I stand before you tonight a simple, plain woman–(GROANS.) which is not my fault, but the Westmores can’t take me till tomorrow. And anyway, is this an election or a popularity contest? I’ve often wondered.

You are probably just as anxious as I am to find out what I stand for, but it isn’t so easy.

If I knew what the Republicans and Democrats are going to promise, everything they offer could go for me too. But a certain well-known bookie, whose name must remain confidential until I find it out, has written my that the other parties are holding off just so they can pattern their keyhold speeches after mine.

So I am awake to the danger of holding my convention first. I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don’t know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I’m waiting for the returns to come in.

A keyhole speech is very simple, especially mine. First it states the issues. An issue is just a difference of opinion, which is why we put erasers on horse races. And as I always say, as long as we have issues, we can’t have everything. Second, the speech goes on to attack the present administration and show how it has ruined the country. Then it goes on to attack the other candidates and show how they’ll keep it ruined, and generally builds up a warm and friendly atmosphere.

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactally how the present administration has ruined the country or how the other candidates are going to keep it ruined–I hardly know how I’m going to handle it myself.

But we all realize that what this country needs is plenty (GIGGLES) and even though it’s impossible I’ll be glad to do it. Today we are facing many crises that are creasing our faces with worry. Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time–and millions are doing nothing because it’s the best offer they’ve had this week. (LAUGHTER. Miss Allen knocked over the water pitcher.)

It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren’t quite so smart. My platform is a definite answer to the Republicans and Democrats, as well as the New dealers, before they say anything–and if they say it anyway, that will be time enough to think of a better answer.

My opponents (BOOS) ask for a sound government. What do they think they’ve got now, or don’t they listen to their radios? They ask me what I am doing about the two-dollar dollar, what am I doing about providing old age for people with pensions, and what am I doing next Friday night. They must think they’re Clifton Fadiman! (DEEP SILENCE. Drop the gag from the next speech.)

But I accept the challenge. I say without fear of contradiction that I not only stand four-square for free speech, but my brother is busy right now inventing a telephone that works with soap slugs. I stand for the conservation of wild life: when I am elected night clubs will close at ten o’clock. I stand for a cleaner administration: no Senator who can’t hit his spittoon on his first try truly represents the aims of my party, even if he does claim that he tried to bank his shot off the cracker barrel. I stand for a lot of other things, too, but what working girl doesn’t. (OVATION. Jack Benny just came in.)

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it’s all checks and no balances. But I have a cure for that. I’ll sign all checks with invisible ink, or better still, sign them “A Friend,” so nobody will be embarrassed. And if the deficit still seems too high, I’ll sign it again, starting a half-tone lower.

Do you know of anyone better qualified than me for this high office? If so, don’t delay. Write or print his name clearly on your cuff and send it, together with the tops of two ballot boxes, to the nearest laundry. I may make mistakes, for I am only human (PAUSE, while ten delegates scribbled notes and handed them to the ushers) but whenever one of my policies fails I will be the first to admit it, though perhaps not by much.

So wake up, America! Your country needs me and I can be had. Let’s all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle. (WHISTLES.)

And in conclusion, let me say only that if I have overlooked anything that will make this country of ours a better place to live in–I thank you.

BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS

A few months ago, my roommate (let’s call him Steve)’s girlfriend (let’s call her Jill) planned a surprise party for him. I was more than happy to provide our mutual friends’ contact information, so they could all be in on fun.  Jill sent out what many would consider to be a fairly run-of-the-mill invitation, as well as an ordinary, friendly reminder the day of the big surprise.  So far, so good.

Then the replies began.

Here’s the first one.

from	<Jills.friend@peepants.com>
to		<jill@gmail.com>
cc		my.classmates@nyu, who.have.never@met.pee.pants

Plan on being there to stand in the corner and pee on things. Like all of your beers. Bringing work ladies with me possibly!!

pee ya later!

All right, a little strange, yes, but nothing to get worked up about. I do make a mental note to get an extra coaster to cover my beer, just in case.

If it had stopped there, nobody would have even noticed.

from	<Jills.friend@offensive.com>
to		<jill@gmail.com>
cc		my.classmates@nyu, me@what.the.fuck

dear people from NYU getting your degree in business/jewish:  come!  i promise this place is just as lame as any of the doucheholes you will-leeches and trust fund goblins hang out at, AND its typically overrun with neckless, tanless law students wearing dockers! Therein lies an opportunity to drum up conversation regarding how to sue me for calling you all jews!

see ya there!  lol poke omg !!!11!!!

ps, if you dance on the bar, the russian sex trade hostages in cowgirl suits give you a free shot of something that you will probably drink regardless of how disgusting it is because you are in college! AND!!! You can stand on the bar for as long as you wish without worry that doing so will make you any less jewish than you already are!

Just for fun, I’d like to point out that the following things

• I have no idea who this is, aside from assuming it is Jill’s friend
• Most of my friends study Anthropology, which is pretty much not business at all
• The only one of my friends who is Jewish is Steve
• None of my friends have RSVP’d yet

Apparently, Jill stepped in and said something.  Jills.friend@offensive (let’s call her Bree) wrote again.

from	<Jills.friend@peepants.com>
to		<jill@gmail.com>
cc		my.classmates@nyu, me@increasingly.nervous

I’d like to apologize if i’ve offended anyone, i just finished reading the Christian Coalition’s recent e-blast and i am being forced to admit that i am easily influenced by anything assuming the role of authority.

please don’t view my bigotry and awesomeness as a reflection of [JILL]’s character, i assure you all that she is nowhere near as bigotrous OR awesome as i.  She’ll simply be nice to anyone.

especially really hot aryans.

I must say it’s not really a REAL apology, but it at least acknowledges it has crossed some sort of line that exists when mass emailing strangers.

Does it end here?  You wish.  We hear from Pee Pants again at this point.

from	<Jills.friend@peepants.com>
to		<jill@gmail.com>
cc		my.classmates@nyu, me@cringing

[BREE]!

You are so fucking bad! If you keep talking filthy about them nice jewish boys I will be forced to throw you over my knee and wallop you to tears. I will chastise the fuck out of you. With every inch of willpower in me I will lash, leather, lick and whip you into a decent respectable woman I swear to god.

maybe even tonight in front of witnesses.

I was willing to forgive you, Pee Pants. I really was. But now blatant violent sexuality via mass email?  Please.

It goes on, but that’s the best and the worst of it.  Another poor (and insincere) apology follow, but the damage was done.

Not one single mutual friend came to the party.  Not ONE.

The bar was a White Trash Bar with blaring country music?  What’s worse than that?  A White Trash Bar with SKIPPING blaring country music.

Pee pants and Bree made out next to the Ms. Pac Man the whole time.

Out of obligation to my roommate, I stayed thirty minutes.

I’m not sure there’s a lesson here, except that I won’t be attending any events with Jill’s friends in the future. Ever. Again.

polka-dottie

What inspired me to do this design? The dotties– youll be amaze how it started. Well, I saw a cocktail dress at this chic botique with this dotties at the bottom of the dainty brown dress. I thought why wont I put that cute details on my next cake? And I did. ^_*

happy birthday message

The cake is covered by chocolate flavored fondant topped with message made from sugar Taste like candies! Blue compliments brown. The night before I make this cake I feel that its going to rain and that scares me. The cupcakes are chocolate, the number 21 is made from sugar and the icing is just a simple buttercreme’ frosting.

cupcake with the age of the celebrator

actual set up at UST

Above photo is the actual set up that I made for a client. She is only a student but then again did so much effort of surprising her boyfriend on his birthday! I just hope that she and her boyfriend so as the friends invited likes the set up so much … so as the taste

Completed Mardi Gras Masquerade Invite

When I hear Mardi Gras, I instantly think of lots of cheap, tacky, plastic jewel-toned decor drowned in glitter and feathers. It’s not a pleasant vision for the feather adverse (please see exhibit A). So when my aunt told me that she wanted to throw my uncle a surprise Mardi Gras masquerade for his 50th birthday, and asked if I would help with invitations, I welcomed the challenge.

I thought that if I layered different materials that didn’t scream for attention like a glowing gold gate fold card and subtly shiny satin ribbon in an elegant eggplant, I could create the same excitement without giving the recipient a headache. So I headed over to Paper Source and got busy.

I wanted to use colors that were more of a pared down version of the traditional bold purple, green and yellow  Mardi Gras color combo. So I chose a gold shimmer A9 gatefold outer card, a chartreuse enclosure card, beet envelopes, and eggplant satin ribbon.

After hours of searching my local craft storesor a small Mardi Gras mask to close the invitation with, I gave up and decided to make my own die cut. I bought more beet and chartreuse card stock, and hopped onto Etsy.com where I found this cool Mardi Gras graphic design by TicTagTogs for all of $2.99!

24 hours of printing, cutting, and assembling later, I think the finished invite came together very nicely! Aunt Jill was very impressed to say the least.  Hopefully the invitation set the tone for a fun, classy Mardi Gras Masquerade sans boobie flashing.

Carnival Mardi Gras Masks by TicTacTogs

Gatefold Enclosure with Eggplant Satin Ribbon

Open Gatefold with Mask Die Cut

Announcer (Rod Roddy): This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell (actress Cathryn Damon) : I have one son who’s about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won’t make love to me. That’s not life, that’s something by Tennessee Williams!

The Major (actor Arthur Peterson, Jr.): Let’s synchronize our watches. It’s now… 3-ish.

Billy Tate (actor Jimmy Baio) : Why can’t anybody in this family talk in front of me? For years I went around thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!

Saul (actor Jack Gilford) : I’m 4064 years old. What do you think I owe it to, a terrific moisturizer?

My brother Niller handed in his thesis this Monday and last night my sister Sigga and I threw him a surprise party.

We had balloons, flags, wine, presents, lots of food and excellent company. Besides that Niller was totally surprised so this party was a great success!