John Bolton and his comrades love to run around accusing anyone who doesn’t want to wage more wars of being an “appeaser” and “surrendering” to Terrorists, but Bolton’s cry here is the ultimate, definitive surrender: I’m too scared of the Terrorists to go about my normal life.

Source:
http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2009/11/25/bolton

Opening up one’s Self can be hazardous to your health.

I really mean that. Writing from the heart, digging deep into the well of emotions and getting in touch with that true Self can leave you vulnerable. A little weak. Even dazed.

It’s like “blood-letting.” You reach inside, focusing on a part that has rarely seen the light of day, or a memory that gets recalled only when you see a phrase or two on another’s blog and so you must go within to retrieve that  just-now-remembered something from your inner Self.

The process involves trust. A trust that the revelation you offer won’t be viewed with scorn, held up to ridicule or used against you in some other forum, some other means of prosecution, persecution or indictment.

What if your offering appears unacceptable, what if it encroaches on someone’s sensibilities, some “untouchable” area where you’re viewed as being simply ”tasteless,” or worse yet, “irrelevant?“

I pour my heart out when I write. That’s if I can reach the core inside and let that cocky little kid strut his stuff out in the open. I like him, but he can get me into trouble with name-calling, taking too many risks, and now and then wanting a little more red wine than the night before. But if he can roam free, like a bantam rooster flying to a rooftop and chasing one hen after another, then I can feel free to innovate, to imagine, to create. Free to shout “I LOVE YOU!” or  warn not to” piss me off” with the same amount of vigor. Courageously. Looking you in the eye full with life and laughter; without fear of retaliation. Or fear of being spit at.

It is when the writing ends, the article reaches that last line, that I feel my wings draw closer to my body. I need to rest. Need to retire. Sleep.

Until the next time, when I will be squawking at your door, awakening the kid in YOU to “come out and play,” or “come closer to God,” perhaps even to say “You were right about me after all. I am your sensitive friend, and I need you.”

Now, that is what I call opening a vein from one searcher to another!

Yet, writing drains me. I cannot deal with matters of  importance now. Not after leaking more important matters here. Please, don’t  let them mess with me now.

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It is peaceful here. The canopy overhead is teaming with life, with natures creation and the only sounds to be heard are our footsteps as we walk and the birds and life present in these woods. We walk in silence, hand in hand and bodies touching, leaning into one another as if unable to stand being apart, unable to break contact for very long. We are miles from any cilvilsation and I am glad. Master knows where we are, I have not got a clue but that does not upset me at all, rather it comforts me that I am able to just ‘be’ instead of constantly thinking and planning and automatically deciding on the vast array of banal details that make up life. I get to walk here instead, in the middle of nowhere with my Master and hearts home. I get to just ‘be’, to feel the grass beneath my feet, still damp as we walk to the stream and although it is early and the earth has not warmed I am not cold, just happy as we walk in silence. I watched him dress this morning, pulling his jeans and tee on, his socks and then boots. Noone was about and no one would be so I remained as I was, naked with only a small silver band circling my neck. Now as we walk I can feel the air caress my skin and I am enjoying this freedom.

Near the waters edge is an old tree trunk, still stood sort of upright and Master sits down infront of it, letting go of my hand as he sits down, leaning back against the trunk and watching. I smile at him then turn and walk further down towards the water, kneeling and letting my hand dip into the water. The cool, cleanisng, flowing water covering my hand, curving around the contours before continuing it journey onward. Silly how little things like this present an incredible urge within.. letting a hand rest within flowing water.

A while later my hand is numb from the cold water. The urge sated I turn and stand back up, walking towards my Master and love, kneeling before him and seeing his smile and nod before turning and nestling between his legs, leaning back into his warm body and feeling his arms surround me, holding me close.

I love you…
I love you too…

I turn my head and kiss him. slowly, deeply, lingering before smiling and nestling closer, letting my body sink to his and my head rest on his shoulder. Watching the world pass by. One of his hands is stroking my waist, my stomach and higher. Lazily, possessively. cupping a breast and letting his nail graze lightly over my nipple before circling around the dark flesh surrounding it. watching as my body responds quickly and visibly to his touch. I know he is enjoying taking his time, teasing and arousing. His other hand is stroking my inner thigh, dancing and scratching lightly, making its way painfully slowly up to its goal and I shift my hips and try to touch him in need, not wanting to wait.

Be still pet…
Whispered in my ear. His breath light and tickling and I whimper in need and desire and still my body once more at his command. My hands resting on his legs as he touches me. I close my eyes as his fingers touch the sensive folds betweebn my thighs, nails grazing slowly as a finger slips between, dipping into that warm wet cove before withdrawing and rubbing lazily against my clit. His lips kissing, licking and nibbling my shoulder, neck and ear as my body arcs to his touch, desire and pleasure flooding my veins. Sighs escaping my lips as I feel his cock harden in its constriction, in his jeans. His hands touching, claiming what is his, moving with intent as he pinches my nipples causing jolts of electric pleasure to cascade through me. Feelings cascading as if they are directly wired to my pussy, to my clit. I cannot stay still much longer and my moans of pleasure and joy become more intense. In response his fingers touch my clit more urgently, nails scratching against the wet tender flesh, dipping inside, teasing until unable to stand it any longer I cry quietly Please… Please my Master…

Release my pet…
Release for me.

And I do, shuddering and tensing as waves crash through me, my mind blank, crying out my love as my juices spill over his fingers as they enter my cove. my cove tightening around them as they tip me over the edge into sweet oblivion. His lips possessing mine and his tongue raping my mouth.

He holds me still, bringing one hand up to his lips and licking slowly before offering it to me to clean. His arms then settling back around my body, stroking my skin as he murmurs softly into my ear, things spoken of between us alone and we stay like that as time stands still. Not caring of time. No rush to move. Watching the water as it winds its way downstream, along its journey.

Later, we move. He lays me down on the soft grasses and takes me to heaven once more. This time passion and need to possess dictating its own urgency. Laid joined together and kissing each other in the aftermath my eyes focus and I see his grin and laugh. He tickles me and I squirm and he lets me wriggle free. Chasing and catching me as he wills it. Pulling me roughly to him as we do as the water and wind our way aimlessly back to where the tent is pitched. Once there lovingly slapping my ass as I shoot inside laughing to put attempt to put some clothes on.

This is our lazy day.
A day of dreams
The pit filled with remenants from fire the night before

The clothes take a few hours more before they are able to be worn..

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Someone e-mailed me the other day and wrote that they were having a problem with forgiveness.  He sees all the horrible crimes being commited in the world, past and present, and cannot forgive those who are responsible.  He understands the importance of forgiveness but still has difficulty with it.

Holding on to past patterns, grievances and anger limits your possibilities.  To allow your soul to evolve into wholeness, you must surrender these old thoughts and feelings and replace them with forgiveness and love.  This means forgiving yourself and others in your past.  Reach into their soul and know that it needs love, forgiveness and healing too.

The most difficult time that I have had is forgiving myself.  I know that people were upset by decisions that I have made in my life.  They did not understand why I would change my life.  They thought that I did not love them anymore.  I have never stopped loving them, but I needed to be true to myself and feelings.  At times, I have felt very lost and insignificant.  I was often lost in a whirl wind of work, activities and events, but my heart and soul wanted peace and love. I wanted to grow and learn and feel a sense of personal freedom where I could make my own choices and be responsible for myself.  I wanted freedom.

Well, those thoughts led me to having to ‘let go’ of old patterns and ways of living.  I have learned over the years to forgive those who did not understand me.  Forgiving myself has been more difficult and I still am working at really loving myself.  I surrender all these old ways to God and am open to new ways each day, new people and new adventures. 

In surrender,  I feel a sense of freedom in this moment as I release and forgive.  Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Let go and be free.  Through forgiveness, I experience true unconditional love.  Surrender is freedom.  I know everything is unfolding for my highest good. Everyday I am given opportunities to love more fully.  Through surrender, God is revealed in my life. God is pure love.

In the Beloved Community, where I was ordained as a Minister of Spiritual Peacemaking, we talked about the process of Surrender, Trust and Gratitude to open to God’s love so our lives are peaceful.  In my book In Silence, I wrote, “Surrender, trust, love…the universe will radiate blessings to you.” 

Surrender is freedom.  Let go today and be free. 

Today’s affirmation:  I release my old patterns.  I forgive myself and others.  I surrender…I am free.”

Love and joy,

Jane

Jane Booth Roberston

www.goldenlightcentre.com Golden Light Art Gallery, holistic services

www.in-silence.net Official author site – In Silence, Discovering Self through Meditation, by Jane Rosalea Booth

“It’s not what happens to you but what you do in response.” If you know me, you’ve heard me say this more than once. I believe this to my core. So when I woke with the chant this morning, “surrender, surrender, surrender,” it unsettled me. I’m thinking to myself. What do mean, “surrender,” I have to “do” something. I always “do” something. I don’t let go when faced with challenge in my life, I get up and conquer it, I don’t “surrender.” What the hell are you talking about.

I’ve always been powerful, or at least put on my armor of power to conquer the world for myself and for others. I am a protector and nurturer. Constantly working to hold on to the armor and not allow anyone to penetrate my power, even to the point of being full of shit, so that no one knows how scared, tired, or hurt I really am at any given time. Keeping up this appearance has always been expected, but I’m almost positive this is an expectations I’ve placed on myself and nothing external.

On the other hand, this full of power thing is pretty exhausting, especially because at times I am so full of shit and I know it, others know it too. They call me on it.

Just the other day, my friend told me how stubborn I am while I argued a point. My response, “I’m as stubborn as I am smart.” Leave it to me to turn it into a positive. What I meant is, I am a quick study. I am stubborn, I’ll argue with you, but while I’m arguing with you, I am mulling over your point, then right in the middle of my defense, I will stop and agree that I’m wrong.

So this “surrender” idea is rattling around in my head as I write.

You only know what you know; you know. So when you don’t know, you gotta “surrender.”

That’s what the chant is about. Surrender to what I don’t know. Let others in and help. Listen and stop being so full of shit.

This surrender thing is not so bad…I’ll struggle with my stubbornness and be positive on my long road ahead.

A small miracle is happening right before our eyes if we only open our hearts to see.

A minister, a rabbi and a Muslim sheik put their differences on the line and walked away clearing  an unobstructed path to God.

They met together and spoke of the greatest aspects of their respective faiths, as well as what they believed were the most divisive.

What they most valued as the core teachings of their tradition:

• the minister “unconditional love.”

• the sheik “compassion.”

• the rabbi “oneness.”

What they regarded as the “untruths” in their own faith:

• the minister: “Christianity is the only way to God.”

• the rabbi: the notion of Jews as “the chosen people.”

• the sheik: the “sword verses” in the Koran, like “kill the unbeliever.”

Now, I’m simply using my poetic license here. About that “unobstructed path to God,” that is. But read this  story submitted by Dustin.

It is from a newspaper article of the “three amigos” who may, one can only hope, help to unite all again. (See if you don’t agree!)

great story of friendship

Acts 16:3 – Paul wanted Timothy to accompany him, and he took him and circumcised him because of the Jews in those places, for they all knew that his father was a Greek.

This took place in the period of the New Covenant, where Paul and Peter preached salvation based on our Faith in His grace and not by our works. So, technically speaking, circumcision was no longer needed. The Gentiles who accepted Christ were baptized by the Spirit and water and no longer needed to be circumcised to be pronounced clean.

Why then, did Paul circumcise Timothy? Weird isn’t it?

Wrong. The Jews still did not believe that Jesus had risen. They were still and are pretty much still stuck in the Old Covenant. They had not yet embraced the New Covenant. Paul wanted to take Timothy to minister to the Jews. You see, to the Jews, only those who were circumcised were considered clean and righteous. Only the Israelites were the circumcised bunch, as they are the chosen people.

So, for Timothy to be able to reach out to the Jews, he had to break the wall between himself and them. As He was of Greek origin, obviously he did not have to be circumcised. and the Jews knew that. So in order for Timothy to reach into the hearts of the Jews, first he had to lay down his rights to not even go through the circumcision since he was saved not by his works anyway.

So, Timothy went through that painful process of… you know what… and yes, in that way, he broke down the wall which stood between him and the Jews. In the same way, if you know that by doing some things, you would create a wall between you and another person, preventing him/her from receiving the gospel, don’t do it. It can be clubbing, partying, getting your ears pierced (for guys), drinking, etc. You will know it yourself. The Holy Spirit will prompt you to do what’s right. When the walls are removed, then, it’ll be easy for us to reach the unsaved.

I know I am not posting as often as usual right now. A lot of things have been happening over the past few weeks and my mind seems to have proven itself not as strong as I would like it to be. The lack of posts here has not been because I have not been writing; just nothing I have written has been in any way, shape or form suitable for here!

Hell, it’s bad enough my Master reading the words that haven’t been posted. I am grateful that he is forcing me to show him those words though, right now I don’t have the strength to offer them freely but I don’t actually want to hide.

I have read “By the River Piedra” by Paulo Coelho recently. Actually I have read it three times in a row from beginning to end. It was a book recommended to be by someone who sometimes I think is a friendly person, then other times I would happily take pleasure in ripping his balls off slowly… Ah well, I have to keep reminding myself he actually means well and what he does is what he believes is right even if I do not agree… AT ALL – and, I am thankful for his phone calls over the past few weeks and his immediate reaction and help when I didn’t know what to do.

Anyway! I cursed when the penny dropped and I realised why I was told to read this book… It is a book about love; of surrendering to love and the inevitable joys and pains that come from that unconditional surrender. Yeah – Point taken! Cheers!

Actually. As I was reading it, I discovered it isn’t one of the mushy crappy variety like Mills and Boon. The sort that makes you want to throw up, slit your wrists and give up the will to live because they are so sickly sweet and formulated. Nope, this one is different – and surprising – even more so when you realise it is written by a man! (Fuck me; they do sometimes know how our minds work lol) I found as I read the story, a lot of the thoughts expressed by Pilar, the female lead character, not only echo what I quite often think and feel, but are almost word for word what I think and feel. Hence I have read it three times so far and found that when I read it for the first and second time, I kept having to stop and collect myself because it was so reflective of my thoughts and emotions. I have just finished reading Eleven Minutes by the same author and have had the same ‘Eureka’ moments there as well. I may write about that.. It may come later, we will see. BUT – in the meantime, here are a few quotes from the book which have struck a chord with me. Four of the quotes below are ones where it was like reading a transcript of my own thoughts.

xxxxx

Careful, I thought. Watch out for the break in the dam. If that break occurs, nothing in the world will be able to stop it.

xxxxx

The exercise of the Other?

“ I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It’s just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action.” But there is suffering in life,” one of the listeners said. ”And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you’re fighting for. “That’s it?” another listener asked. “Yes, that’s it. When I learned this, I resolved to become the person I had always wanted to be. The Other stood there in the corner of my room, watching me, but I will never let the Other into myself again even though it has already tried to frighten me, warning me that it’s risky not to think about the future. “From the moment that I ousted the Other from my life, the Divine Energy began to perform its miracles.”

xxxxx

Break the glass, please—and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.

xxxxx

The gods throw the dice, and they don’t ask whether we want to be in the game or not. They don’t care if when you go, you leave behind a lover, a home, a career, or a dream. The gods don’t care whether you have it all, whether it seems that your every desire can be met through hard work and persistence. The gods don’t want to know about your plans and your hopes. Somewhere they’re throwing the dice—and you are chosen. From then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck. The gods throw the dice, freeing love from its cage. And love can create or destroy—depending on the direction of the wind when it is set free.

xxxxx

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

xxxxx

But that moment exists—a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles. Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments—but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.

xxxxx

I wish I didn’t have to control my heart. If I could surrender, even if only for a weekend, this rain falling on my face would feel different. If love were easy, I would be embracing him now

Dear Family and Friends,

Please take a moment to pray with us.

Father,

I met with some men for prayer this morning.  In our conversation we talked about holiness and the nature of saints, past and present.  I believe that saints have been sanitized through the years.  Somehow, I think they were just as human as we are today, struggling with life, but continuing to walk in Jesus’ footsteps. 

A Prayer for a Saintly Life

We are all sinners.
We are all saints.
We strive to keep our eyes on You,
Yet, invariably slip in our efforts
To live as Jesus.
Forgive me for
The times I have strayed,
Failing to listen to Your call.
Forgive me for the times
I have looked away
From one in need.
Let Your Spirit settle
In my soul.
Let Your will
Become my will.
Take these eyes,
So that they may see this world as You.
Take these arms
So that they may hold Your children.
Take this heart
So that it may share Your love with all.
Guide me through this path of life,
This journey home
To the Source of all Love.

Peace,

Tom

Thanksgiving is in two days now, and it doesn’t feel like it. In fact, it feels rather like any other Tuesday to me. It would be nice if I could get excited about Thanksgiving, but at least I’m not depressed about it.

No, I’m depressed that this life plan that I was so excited for just did not work out. I’m quite unhappy about that. I’m reminded, though, that life doesn’t care what you plan. It happens the way it’s going to happen. You have a certain amount of control, but there are some things you don’t choose. I do choose to acknowledge that I don’t have total control, and that sometimes you make an attempt and have to give up on it in order to move forward. It’s sad, but it’s just as necessary as perseverence. You really need to know which is appropriate when, however, and the possibility of misjudgment is what is halting me most.

Then again, you can’t persevere when the resources available to you all point to moving on. I can’t stay on a path that’s grown into a dead end. If the going is impossible, it can only make sense to turn back and find a path that actually leads somewhere.

The thing about Thanksgiving is that whatever I happen to be thankful for, all of the things that are making life difficult fight to be the center of attention – and tend to win.

The other thing about Thanksgiving is the food. It’s the only thing about the holiday I’ve ever consistently enjoyed. Turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, stuffing. Oooh, stuffing. Basically seasoned bread. It doesn’t get much better. In addition, I’ve discovered the wonders of pumpkin over the past year or so. I’m not sure if we’ll be having pumpkin pie, but I guess I can pretend if we don’t. There will be some kind of pie, I’m sure.

And perhaps being crowded and in the midst of a family, even if it isn’t mine, will distract me enough from that which sucks to make that one day a good one.

Some really juicy nuggets from Byron Katie’s I Need Your Love – Is That True?

The only obstacle to loving other people is believing what you think, and you’ll come to see that that’s also the only obstacle to loving yourself. To discover the beliefs that may not, after all, be true for you, you’ll need to ask yourself some very private questions. What are you ashamed of? Whom do you still resent (though you believe you shouldn’t)? What haven’t you forgiven yourself for?

This inquiry isn’t manipulation. It’s going inside yourself for the love of truth and finding your own answers. If you have any trouble with loving yourself, your work isn’t done.

…

A good place to start is with whatever it is you’re most ashamed of. This may take some time to uncover. We’re so secretive about what makes us feel ashamed that we even try to keep it from ourselves, clinging to our pretense of self-respect while our thoughts run on about how terrible we are and how unforgivable the things we’ve done. Secrets cry out for inquiry. You can’t be free if you’re hiding. And in the end, the things we’re ashamed of turn out to be the greatest gifts we have to give.

We respect people who honestly let us know what they have survived and how they actually did it. When we meet someone who has come through great difficulties with an open heart, we are drawn to the truth in them, and they help us find our own truth.

…

Take your time. Don’t think that you know the answer yet, even if you have considered this thought hundreds of times before. The answer you have believed for years may not be the one that is true for you right now, and today’s answer may surprise or even shock you. Find the answer that is true for you – no matter what it is, and even if you believe that people would condemn you for it.

…

When you question your darkest secret, and turn it around, you discover that everything you thought it meant isn’t necessarily true. This journey allow the mind to give you other truths, truths that reveal your goodness.

It reminds me of Iyanla Vanzant’s memoir, Yesterday, I Cried. My brother bought me that book some time when I was in medical school, over ten years ago now. I’ve since read it at least four times, at different periods of my life. I “get it” at a different level each time I read it. I understand why she renamed herself – or was given a new name by her Yoruba priest – in order to step into the power of her true purpose. I understand her need to dissociate herself from who she used to be, while also integrating, embracing, and loving all parts of who she used to be, because they are part of who she is now. I think there is a quote from that book that reads something like: I am not who I used to be. But all of who I used to be is who I am.

OK, went to my shelf and pulled out the book. It’s been probably a year since I last read it. Just leafing through a few pages reminds me that it’s time to read it again. Funny how things work that way! Here’s an excerpt that shows how Iyanla’s journey is all about what Katie just said in the quote above.

Throughout our many experiences of life, we cry different kinds of tears. What we are probably not aware of is that each type of tear emanates from a specific place in the body….What we are probably less conscious of is that each tear, regardless of its origin, or its effects, contains a seed of healing.

…What I’ve discovered is that most tears come from our inability to tell our story.

…Crying for others and myself has led me to the belief that certain aspects of my story must be told. If I am truly to heal myself and help others in the process, I must tell the parts I am uncomfortable about telling.

…I have found, though, that as I tell my story, there are places and pieces that other people can tap into so that they may somehow find the courage to revisit their own experiences, bring forth the tears, and grow into their greatness. Life is about so much more than moving from incident to incident, issue to issue. When we take this path, we find ourselves crying without hope.

That is what I experienced one Sunday morning. I had forgotten to celebrate my strength and my victories. I thought that would be selfish….I had been told that it would be egotistical. I had never thanked my Self for all that I had gotten me through. And now others would be celebrating my victories, and I did not feel worthy or deserving of such praise.

…And that is all I have been able to do. I’ve done it in workshops; I’ve done it in lectures and in my books. I have been able to share with others a process that allows them to cry, and then celebrate. Unfortunately, I became so busy sharing, I forgot to cry and celebrate for myself. I felt obliged and indebted to everyone but me. One Sunday morning, I decided that the time had come for me to figure out where I had learned how to do that, and why I continued doing it when I no longer wanted to.

Oh, and here’s the actual quote (not the flawed version in my memory):

Who I am is not who I used to be. But who I am is all of who I used to be.

“Hey Jude, don’t be afraid.” A few lines of that old Beatles tune has been running through my head lately, but in a little different fashion than usual. “Hey Jude, don’t be afraid. You have found Him, now go and get Him. The minute you let him under your skin, then you can begin, to make it better.” The “Him” I am referring to is my Higher Power.

I remember a time, not to long ago, when I thought my life was in shambles. My husband was a drunk, my children were good kids, but they couldn’t do anything for themselves despite the fact that they were old enough to do so, and I had 30 years of marriage under my belt and I wanted out. O-U-T…. out! My father, who lives with me, couldn’t do anything for himself and he did absolutely nothing except make my life more burdensome than it already was. He was messy and didn’t clean up after himself. My lawn was meticulously kept by him, but I’d find tools out in the yard and go into a screaming fit about the condition of the yard…or the house…or the car. I had lost all self-respect but I hadn’t realized it. I was blaming someone else for controlling my life when in fact it was me that was doing or attempting to do all the controlling. I attempted to control who went where, what everyone should do, how they should do it and in what time frame it should be accomplished. I was exhausted. It’s a tough job controlling everybody’s life when you can’t even control your own.

I had gone to several Al-Anon meetings while my husband was still drinking and they “weren’t for me.” They were nothing more than a quilting circle without the quilt. I wanted to bash the reputation of the alcoholic in my life but I couldn’t. Nobody at the meeting was bashing the alcoholic in their life and frankly, it just plain pissed me off. I stopped going. I wanted some judgement to come down from some place and smash the alcoholic in the face but it just wasn’t happening in my eyes. He continued to drink, I continued to point out all his bad habits, he continued to pass out and black out, and I continued to fume and steam. Let me tell you… that worked real well for me…. NOT.

Then it happened. The awful thing that I had dreaded for so long. Oh my God, HE QUIT DRINKING! That’s right. He stopped. He went to AA and worked the 12 steps of recovery and starting talking about a spiritual awakening and how he didn’t want to be a drunk even when he was drinking. He started talking smack about how when he left the house he didn’t want to drink but found that he could not stop himself from doing so no matter what he tried. I wasn’t having it. He had stopped drinking for AA and not for me? Well, that just didn’t settle right with me. He should have been able to stop drinking because he loved me but he couldn’t. To hell with him. Almost 31 years of marriage and I was ready and willing to toss it out the window now that he had stopped drinking. I kept telling myself I could no longer live on the hopes and dreams that he would remain sober “this time.” I couldn’t do that to myself…. no I WOULD NOT do that to myself ever again.

Yes, he still lived at the house only because my father kept telling me, “there is good in him.” Pfffttt. My husband began to change. Slowly I saw things in him that I hadn’t seen in years. I saw hope. HOPE, what a huge word. He told me that he “hoped” he’d never drink again but this time he made no promises. I think had he made a “promise” he would have been gone out of my life forever because I had had too many promises broken and had already shed way to many tears. I began to see the recovery from alcoholism in his life. He was attending AA meetings, reading, working the steps, doing all those things and the more he grew into a spiritual awakening, the more I grew into a vile and hateful wench. My life was out of control and I didn’t understand it. He had stopped drinking, wasn’t that the reason for all of my problems?

Begrudgingly, I went to some AA functions with him. I think originally I went just to be spiteful. I met some wives and husbands of alcoholics and I saw that they were happy. Happy? How could that be for goodness sake, they married to drunkards! Didn’t they understand the seriousness of the situation? They began talking to me about Al-Anon and how the program had changed their lives. I relayed the story of my Al-Anon experience and told them flat-out that I was not going to be a grinning quilting idiot like the Al-Anon people I had met. They explained to me that some (not most) Al-Anon groups can be “dysfunctional” and that I needed to find an Al-Anon program that wasn’t. I needed to find a meeting where I fit. Hmmm. Fine, I’ll go to one more meeting in attempt to get in a good swing at the alcoholic but that was it. They directed me to a few meetings. I went. Maybe this time I went with an open mind, maybe the meeting I attended was different from the others, but I felt “at home.” I was welcomed, understood, wasn’t pushed to speak, wasn’t hushed, wasn’t controlled or manipulated. They let me be me and understood as no others could, exactly where I was coming from. At the end of the meeting a woman came up to me and said simply, “Give us 6 meetings. If after those 6 meetings you find that we are not for you, we will gladly return your misery.”

I went back, and back, and back… and have been going to Al-Anon for 1 year now. I have found that Al-Anon is for ME whether or not the alcoholic in my life is drinking or not. Al-Anon focuses on me and how alcohol has changed my life. My story is no different from most people who have been affected by alcohol. We build walls, we judge, we keep the family secret, we hurt but look happy and functional. I am rebuilding my life and my relationships. I have damaged my children by the way *I* acted and if I don’t stop the cycle, my children will damage their future because they will behave exactly as I have behaved.

Al-Anon makes me stop and think about me. The focus is not on the alcoholic. I didn’t get it at first, but now the reality of a program that is all mine is near and dear to my heart. I willingly go to 3 meetings a week in addition to going to an AA meeting. I go to the Al-Anon meetings for the fellowship and the common thread we share. I go to the AA meeting because I needed to hear from other alcoholics because frankly, I didn’t believe anything my husband said. In the AA meetings, I hear the same things my husband has been trying to tell me about his inability to stop drinking despite the fact that he was ashamed, humiliated and didn’t want to be a drunk. I needed to hear that, not everyone does, but I did.

I now have a sponsor and have worked the 12 steps of Al-Anon but via the “Big Book.” I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, I was insane (my behavior proved that) and I needed a Power greater than myself to see me through the rest of my life. Do I struggle? Of course I do, I am human, but I have more “tools” that are available to me to help me through my fear and trepidation. I am less angry with myself, my children, and my alcoholic. I choose to be happy rather than to be right.

I hope that this piece of me has helped in at least a small way. I wish I had the answers to all of your questions but I do not. I do know that the answers are within you, you just have to open up to yourself and let those answers out. I encourage you to go to Al-Anon meetings…find one where you fit…and give it 6 chances.

“Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good.”

Psalm 107:1

Have you ever loved something so much that you couldn’t imagine living life without it? When I was young, the two dearest possessions in the world to me were my cockatiel, Poppy, and my Siberian husky, Brady. They weren’t really mine, I guess. They were the family pets, but I treasured them as though they were mine alone. Over the years, I had learned that Christians should surrender all that they have to the Lord and live in the knowledge that all they “owned” actually belonged to Him. Since I loved the Lord, I wanted to give Him all that I had and recognize that he was free to do with it as He wished. I wanted to…I really did, but I had some reservations. In my immature thinking, I was afraid that if I gave all that I had to the Lord, He would take my beloved pets away from me as some sort of test of my faithfulness to Him, kind of like Abraham and Isaac, I suppose. Although I understood that God was in control, I clearly did not trust His goodness, and as a result, I thought I’d better keep my treasured animals to myself.

Sounds pretty funny, right? The sad part is that I find that I haven’t changed all that much in this area. I’ve been singing the song “I Surrender All,” since I was very young, and I genuinely mean it when I sing it. Well, I think I do at the time, anyway. What I’ve realized is that singing “I Surrender All” is a breeze until the Lord actually takes me up on the offer and requires me to let go of something that I can’t imagine living without. While I’m perfectly willing to sing the theme of surrender with my lips, I am far less willing to sing it with my life. Even though I’m all grown up now and have come a long way in my walk with the Lord, I still struggle with the same problem that troubled me as a young girl—I know that God is sovereign, but I sometimes doubt that He is truly good. And if I fail to trust that God is truly good, then how can I trust Him with my most treasured plans or possessions?

Lesson Two: Surrender—God is good…all the time

Nancy Leigh Demoss says, “Total surrender to Christ as Lord simply means submitting every detail and dimension of our lives to His sovereign, loving rule.” As I’ve shared with you my struggle regarding infertility, I’ve explained the important lesson that God has taught me regarding his sovereignty. But recognizing God’s sovereignty was not enough; I had to see not only that God is in control, but also that He is infinitely loving. We can never surrender our lives to God as we ought, if we are not fully convinced of His goodness at all times.

God is good—the words practically flow from my heart…as long as God gives me everything I want. Can you relate? God provides a job, a new house, the money to get your car fixed, heals a relationship, gives you a raise, sends good news from your doctor, saves your family member, and “Isn’t God good?” His goodness seems so real, His love is so tangible that praise is the natural response. But when your little one is sick, your husband is cold and distant, the bills are piling up, the pregnancy test is negative again, the years keep passing and you’re still alone, you lose the person you love most in the world, your friends turn against you, pain is your constant companion…Is God still good? When God gives, it’s so easy to praise His name, but when He takes away, our response is rarely the same as Job’s (Job 1:21).

Although they never seem like it, times of suffering are a gift. They provide us with opportunities to learn more about our heart than we ever would otherwise. If God had never allowed me to endure the pain of infertility, I could have gone on for years without realizing how much I actually doubted His goodness. Without realizing it, I had come to equate God’s goodness with His willingness to fulfill my wishes. By withholding from me what I desperately desired, God forced me to reckon with my own warped vision of His character. With my limited, human perspective, I had dreamed up what would be good for me. Then, when God didn’t cause those plans to materialize; it wasn’t my own perspective on life that I questioned—it was His. It was incredibly difficult for me to surrender my dreams, because I didn’t have the faith to believe that God’s plans will always be infinitely better than my expectations.

Like the child throwing a tantrum in Wal-Mart, I failed to trust that God as my loving, Heavenly Father knows what is best for me. Psalm 84:11 says, “The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” If I am walking uprightly, and the Lord still withholds something I want, then the Scripture makes it clear that what I am asking for is not a good thing. John Newton, the author of “Amazing Grace,” made this insightful comment regarding God’s goodness toward His children, “He chooses for his people better than they could choose for themselves. If they are in heaviness, there is a need-be for it, and he withholds nothing from them but what, upon the whole, it is better they should be without.” 

There are many times in our lives when God’s ways make no sense to us. In those times, we can respond like spoiled children by doubting God’s goodness, or we can respond in childlike faith by determining to trust that His ways are far better than our own (Isaiah 55:9). He is a good Father, and He promises to give good gifts to His children. Our wildest dreams cannot compare to the greatness of the plans that God has for us. As we learn to surrender our every dream, desire, and possession into His loving hands, I believe that we, like Isaiah, will one day be able to look back on God’s working in our lives and say, “You did awesome things which we did not expect” (Isaiah 64:3).    

image location

It does not astonish or make us angry that it takes a
whole year to bring into the house three great white
peonies and two pale blue iris.  It seems altogether
right and appropriate that these glories are earned
with long patience and faith. . . . and also that it is
altogether right and appropriate that they cannot last.
Yet in our human relations we are outraged when
the supreme moments, the moments of flowering,
must be waited for. . . . and then cannot last.  We
reach a summit, and then have to go down again.

May Sarton

* * * * * *

There is so very much that we can learn from the natural world.  We are constantly surrounded by reminders of the cycles of life, the natural order of things, and if we can just recognize and appreciate the lessons of the natural world, our own lives could become so much easier and so much more comprehensible.  We live our lives in seasons much as the flowers and the trees and the animals do, and one of the reasons for which we tend to become unhappy or frustrated is because we sometimes expect to live in perpetual spring or summer, not allowing or wanting winters to be a normal, important part of our lives.

One of the reasons that spring is so beautiful in the colder areas of the world is because the flowers are coming after a long period without them–we’ve been deprived of their presence for a long time, so they mean much more to us.  We all know that for everything there is a season, but most of us would like to make those seasons longer, or to have some control over them.

But we have to let life be what it is.  Life is a beautiful experience, yet we tend to diminish its beauty by placing our false expectations on it.  One of my favorite art forms is that of ice sculpting, for the artists have a clear understanding of just how short-lived their works will be–yet they’re willing to put in hours of work to create beautiful works of art.  It’s possible that some of the most beautiful sculptures ever made have melted into puddles of water, only seen by a limited number of people for a very short time.

Enjoy the great parts of life, but enjoy them in the right here and right now, which is truly the only time that we can experience anything at all.  And when their time to leave comes, let them go with grace and dignity rather than trying to hold on to them in desperation or fear that you may never experience them again.  You will, if you simply let life be life, and accept the seasons of our lives with love and trust that they will return.

* * * * * *

For further thought:

A garden that never died eventually would weary.
Robbed of springtime, unacquainted with the
extraordinary perfume that rises from the soil after
it’s had its rest, the garden that winter doesn’t visit
is a dull place.  The return every spring of earth’s
first freshness would never be kept if not for the
frosts and rot and ripe deaths of fall.  So when I go
out from the garden for the last time in autumn,
I leave the gate open behind me.

Michael Pollan

Source: Living Life Fully

The world will hate us. That is for those of us who submit to Christ. There are millions of people all over the world and especially here in the United States who claim to be Christians. The enemy has no problem with those people. Most of the Church and those who call themselves Christians are no threat to the enemy. We run around somewhat living our lives for Christ. We put some verses on our walls and in our offices. We go to church every sunday, sing some songs, listen to Christian music, read our Bibles, and sometimes we even try to do what it says. However, we are extremely afraid of giving it all to Christ. We like to say “Ya I’ve given my life to Christ.” The truth is that this world has no idea what it would look like if one single man or woman would give their life to Christ. We haven’t seen anyone, at least not in our lifetime, totally surrender everything and submit every single aspect of their life to God. And that my brothers and sisters is why the enemy doesn’t fear us. However, they do become afraid when we finally act out the Bible. Not the parts where we change our attitudes, but when we begin to engage the world. When we start confronting the sin in our lives and in the lives of those around us. When we begin to be a bright light. When we share our faith. When we don’t allow darkness or sin to darken our lives. When we pray with power and truly live for Christ.

We are either enemies of the world or it’s friend. There is no room for middle ground any more. Most of us, myself included, have tried to live our lives in that middle ground. We try to live for Christ when it’s convenient, when it won’t get us in trouble. Well the truth is that if you or I choose to truly life for Christ. If we choose to engage this world on our own front line, whether that front is at Mcdonalds, at our schools, or whatever arena God has placed us in, then we must get ready for a fight. Whether you want to call this a war or not I promise you that the enemy will come at you. Once you step into the realm of truly living out what God has for you the enemy will jump at you. It hates Christ and if we truly follow Him then the enemy will hate us to.

Many would say I am idealist for thinking that all Christians should truly submit everything to Christ and become radicles. That is simply a term people will use when they are faced with a challenge that seems impossible that they don’t have the courage to face. All I am exposing is the standard that Jesus holds us to. He holds us to perfection. Anything in our lives that falls below that standard is worthless. So we can either shoot for that high standard, or we can make excuses and continue on with business as usual. Jesus Christ, the God that we claim to serve, walked this earth as a direct enemy of the world. He didn’t preach some soft gospel crap. He never said any junk about “being a nicer person.” If all Jesus wanted was for us to be nicer then He wouldn’t have been crucified. What kind of government would kill Mr. Rogers or Captian Kangaroo? Our Lord called us to rebel against the world. To shoot for the highest standard, for perfection, to live in a way that makes people notice us. Not because we are standing on a street corner with a sign that says repent, but because our lives magnify Christ. People should see our lives and the fruit that comes out of us.

The simple truth is that we are faced with a choice. We can shoot for that high standard and really give Christ everything, or we can just keep doing what we have been doing. I’ve never heard of anyone giving Christ anything and being disappointed with the outcome. I’d rather make myself a fool for the sake of Christ then sit around at the end of my life wondering what if I had. I’m going to find our what that life looks like. I’m going to fall on my face countless times, but I’ll get back up and chase it every time.

Will you?

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me” John 15:18-21

“Count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—skip like a lamb, if you like!—for even though they don’t like it, I do . . . and all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company; my preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this.” Luke 6:22-23

Surrender is a verb that means:

1.        To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

2.       To give up or give back

3.       To give oneself up as to an enemy

4.       To abandon

5.       To give over  or resign oneself to something as to an emotion

(The definition was taken for Webster’s on line Dictionary)   

To give up almost sound like one has lost hope, as in abounding of what may come in the weeks, months and years ahead.  

Looking at surrender in this manner does not allow one’s spirit to see the joy in the act of surrendering.

Deepak Chopra said: “Surrender is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything… even when you can not foresee the outcome.”

We surrender every day in some way to our partners, children, family and friends. As we surrender we receive joy from the act of surrendering.

Without surrender, joy could not exist.

Surrender

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

Surrendering our life and our will in order to become congruent with that of the Father’s is one of the most foundational practices of Christianity.  Although simple in theory, it is probably the area where we have the greatest number of “dug-in-heel” marks along our path.  We as humans are often fraught with disordered compulsions to jump in and take charge, to control, to manipulate, to “make it happen”, to go after the object of our desire regardless of timing or the cost.  I do not suggest reverting to an unmotivated wavering through life; but rather awakening the possibility of a more balanced approach between action and surrender, or doing and being.  That which I refer to as “active surrender”.

Considering that by nature I am a “make an action plan, make it happen” kinda gal, surrender in early stages felt like an unnatural and insecure interior stance.  I still sometimes wonder, “Shouldn’t I be doing something more?”  But after being hit by the Reality Mack Truck, I began to consider for a moment how prideful it is to think that God – the Master of the Universe – requires my help in bringing something about.  My headstrong involvement, lacking in eternal perspective, could even actually hinder something from occurring in the manner that it was intended.  I then began to discover that much of my participation is accomplished through praying, listening, seeking, looking for the truth in the situation and discerning a wise and appropriate response to it. My role is important and necessary as is God’s, yet we remain properly ordered.  It’s like riding the back of a tandem bicycle, peddling just as hard in second position while trusting the person in front to steer you safely to your final destination.

A passage I read frequently, to try and keep my feet set steadily peddling in back, is this one regarding St. Margaret Mary, who had received the promises from our Lord regarding Devotion to the Sacred Heart.

“Shortly before death, she had finally understood what he expected of her when he said to her, ‘Let me do it.’  ’His Sacred Heart,’ she wrote, ‘will do everything for me if I let him.  He shall will, he shall love, he shall desire for me and make up for all my faults.’

Like St. Margaret Mary, you may hear Jesus a hundred times a day, saying to you, ‘Let me do it.’  In your difficulties, in your problems, in all those things in your daily life which are sometimes so difficult, so distressing, when you ask yourself, ‘What shall I do?  How shall I do it?’ listen to him saying to you, ‘Let me do it.”  And then answer him, ‘O Jesus, I thank you for all things.’  And it will be the most beautiful dialogue of love between a soul and the all-loving God!”

- excerpt from “I Believe in Love”

Undeniably both Jesus and Mary provide the models of perfection, in word and action, concerning this practice of letting go.  Consider that their greatness was directly proportionate to the depth of the surrender they exhibited in every moment of their lives, embracing the Divine purpose and relinquishing their own wills to it.  The following passage in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (#2825) further illustrates this point:

“Although he was a Son, [Jesus] learned obedience through what he suffered.” How much more reason have we sinful creatures to learn obedience – we who in him have become children of adoption. We ask our Father to unite our will to his Son’s, in order to fulfill his will, his plan of salvation for the life of the world. We are radically incapable of this, but united with Jesus and with the power of his Holy Spirit, we can surrender our will to him and decide to choose what his Son has always chosen: to do what is pleasing to the Father.  In committing ourselves to [Christ], we can become one spirit with him, and thereby accomplish his will, in such wise that it will be perfect on earth as it is in heaven.”

I just returned from Kansas City, MO, where over 21,000 others also attended the 2009 National Catholic Youth Conference.  The first evening I navigated through table after table of vendors until I finally entered the area where various religious orders were set up.  To my right were both an old and younger Nun from the Little Sisters of the Poor.  I stopped for opportunity to learn – about them and from them.  I entered into a conversation with the younger one which covered a decent spectrum of topics, from daily routine to how God’s particular call was placed on her life.  Everything was beautiful and inspiring, yet a statement of one of her daily practices took hold of me.  She said that when she wakes up in the morning, the first thing she says immediately is, “Yes, Lord!” Everyday anew she gives the Lord her “yes”, demonstrating her willingness to let go and fully embrace what He brings to her in that new day.  Sr. Emmanuel then prays for the grace in that day to follow through with her “yes”.  Such simplicity, such love.  I pray for that grace for you and I as well.

True surrender means yielding to the excellance waiting to unfold within you….

Like the deer that was wearied with running after a mirage which it thought was water.

"A classified collection of Tamil proverbs"

foto – flood on coldstream street may 2009

Whispers of Surrender in Afghanistan?

It comes to our attention that the MEMRI Blog highlights an article from the Saudi al-Watan in Arabic that – according to an Afghan source – the United States is talking to the Taliban seeking to trade control of 5 provinces in exchange for the cessation of attacks on US bases. MEMRI summarizes:

An Afghan source in Kabul reports that U.S. Ambassador in Afghanistan Karl Eikenberry is holding secret talks with Taliban elements headed by the movement’s foreign minister, Ahmad Mutawakil, at a secret location in Kabul. According to the source, the U.S. has offered the Taliban control of the Kandahar, Helmand, Oruzgan, Kunar and Nuristan provinces in return for a halt to the Taliban missile attacks on U.S. bases.

Kunar province borders the Khyber Pass region where the majority of US and NATO supplies pass enroute from Pakistan. And the remaining four provinces constitute fully the southern 25% of Afghanistan’s territory.

This, if true, is a disturbing development.

See also:
Afghan Source: The U.S. Has Offered the Taliban Control in Return for Quiet
Taliban at the table
US Recognition of Taliban Rule in Return for Ceasefire Against US Forces
US-Taliban talks?
More talk of Taliban talks
US in back-channel talks with Afghan Taliban
In Afghanistan, A Plan To Woo The Taliban

Well, this could certainly explain why Obama keeps blowing off the decision on more U.S. troops for Afghanistan.

/if this turns out to be true and Obama is running his underwear up the flagpole and surrendering to the Taliban, it’s beyond disturbing, it’s absolutely disgusting

"A classified collection of Tamil proverbs"

To peal twenty-four skins off a fresh onion (is very difficult.) Said of one clever in criticisms. Old people say this about young people who are hypercritical.

foto – 1966 wiley park girls high school dance for 6th form