Inside of me tonight was an unbearable amount of pain in my heart as I watched Intervention stories. I could identify with their cries for help. I could see their pain. I could understand why they chose to do the things they did which were self-destructive. It was a shadow of who I used to be.

I was going to write about how this person or that person and these events in my life made me make bad choices. I was going to write about how at times my anguish is so incredible that I fancy the idea of suicide.

Then.

I realized how much more I am worth the chance to live life. I have many reasons to live. I have been gifted with an understanding of pain in a way that I could relate or empathize with others stories. There are special people in my life who need me.

I’m a survivor.

I define myself around this today. This moment I am living. Yes, I still have moments where I relive the pain of the past or feel extreme anguish, but I can distinguish from what I am feeling as just that a feeling. What I feel isn’t going to dictate how I choose to be happy. I can separate others pain from my own.

I felt anguish watching Intervention tonight, but I saw hope from my perspective. I saw my story as triumphant as victory seen in warriors eyes. I saw more than just one way to view pain, and though I felt the pain from my life and those featured I saw the chance to change what happens…for my life.

(Save it, Baby! Count me in!)

So, it goes like this . . .

Well, I just don’t know how this happened…

I don’t know what I was thinking really…

It seems tonight that I have about 80 people coming over for a parent meeting for my son’s wrestling team.

AND, I have my Annual Holiday Ornament Party Saturday as well… but which I do not know how many people are coming… quite a few.

How could I have possibly booked two large events at my home in the same week?

Am I a glutton for punishment?

Do I like stress and tranquilizers?

How many times do I really want artichoke dip?

These are the questions that I ask myself.

Well, as always, when the coach was looking for somebody to step up to the plate to offer their home for a parent meeting… nobody raised their hands.

So, it’s sort of like I was standing still and the team stepped backwards.

I get to do this by default.

Although, I have to admit that the house looks stunning in preparation for the annual ornament party.

How I can call my annual ornament party and “annual party” is beyond me, since last year I didn’t even put up one single tree… and as I go through the house, I count a mere 18 (not a typo) decorated trees in our home from 10-feet tall on down.

Not to mention all of the doo-dah on the banister and the along stairwell…

or the decorations in the den…

or the decorations in each bathroom…

or… or… or…

That’s a lot of tinsel, baby…

Well, I don’t know what I was thinking but now my brownies are burning and I have to get back to them.

Holy crap… I’ve got a lot of partying to do!

I’ll check in with you after tonight’s devastation… I mean meeting. 

xoxo

Be well,

Belle

  A 78th Annual Writer’s Digest Award Winner

S. Belle Karper, Author, Speaker www.BelleKarper.com
THE WIDOW WEARS BLACK - An Edgy Memoir from an Outspoken Survivor
Check out S. Belle Karper’s – Beauties and Beasts – Blog! Baby! Blog!
and Belle Karper Face Book & the popular Twitter-Belle - all on Website
Save it, Baby! Count me in!

Of course I’ve been watching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Making the Team.  This is the second or third season, so I’ve picked up a few DCC survival tips:

• Although it goes against all common sense, you must wear your hair down.  Have a lot of it and practice jumping around without getting it all stuck in your lip-gloss.

• Football knowledge: believe it or not this is a big curveball. A girl gets kicked off every season for not knowing who coaches the team.   It’s right up there with volunteering to be in charge of the map on the first episode of Survivor – Reality 101.

• If you are overweight you will hear “It’s just that you are too heavy for our uniform.” If you’re not pretty enough you’ll hear that “you just don’t photograph well.”

• And most importantly – it’s the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, not the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders – no matter how much harder it is to say.

I went to a Philadelphia Eagles game today and got to check out their cheerleaders.  I’m not sure I approve of their track pants and I didn’t see any high kicks or flying splits – compared to the DCC they were kind of phoning it in.

oh dear

But I can’t really blame them.  I would want to throw those sparkly pom-poms in the fireplace after about five minutes of twitching them around.  It looked like hard work – and four hours is a long time to be on your feet pretending to care about football. No amount of tinsel or tandem dancing can make up for the fact that the enormous stadium makes the cheerleaders seem doll-sized  – the scale of it all would really get me down.

It would also really get me down that (other than my friends and family) Eagles fans are the poorest sports in sports.  We sat behind Super Lady Fan today.

jubilation

She arrived a little late with a girlfriend and immediately stripped down to an All-Eagles outfit including dangly earrings.  She clapped her hands like an animated woodland creature with only the palms touching, and she yelled in a scratchy high-pitched little girl voice.  To the Refs: “Let the boys play”  to Donovan McNabb “Boo-hoo Donovan.  Hall of Fame Boo-hoo.”   To Andy Reid “Go home Andy!”   All the yelling makes no sense to me since no one on the field could EVER hear her in a million years, but I once sat next to a perfectly normal looking guy who screamed “Mother f***er” non-stop for two hours at a Kansas Jayhawks basketball game, so I guess it’s just a fan thing.

despair

Super Lady Fan alternated between screaming insults at the coach and players and cheering them on.  Seriously, it’s a good thing they couldn’t hear her.

She also did a lot of butt waggling solo dances, unsolicited high-fiving (that actually brought to mind how little I like the “peace be with you” part of church where you have to shake a bunch of stranger’s hands) and lapsing into head-in-hands moments of crushing disappointment.

When she kept leaning forward to hold up an “L” for “Loser” above the head of a Redskins fan in front of her, her friend told her to sit down.  Did I mention this lady was in her late 50’s?  I’m thinking this might have been the last time her friend would come with her to a game.

My father-in-law once hired an Eagles Cheerleader to teach elementary school so maybe they have fuller lives than some of the Cowboy gals.  The DCC auditions are just like American Idol  but the only people auditioning are blondes in pink juicy couture jogging suits.  Each one’s ultimate life goal is to make the squad.  I have to admit they are tough little Southern Barbies– they have to be to face the nasty matrons of cheer choreography who are more than willing to  jazzercise all over their dreams.  No matter what happens, all the girls ever say in response is “yes, ma’am” and “no, ma’am”.
Every night after practice a few of them are called into the director’s office and sent home with the stock phrase “this will be your last night – the decision is final.”  It’s usually for bad dancing, low kicks or anorexia-inducing uniform incompatibility.  On their way out they say something about how they know there is a bigger plan for them – they are going to find a new, nobler goal.  There’s a nursing shortage, right?  Someone should recruit the hot, flexible DCC cast-offs for a sexy nurse ward to cheer up the troops or something.  I think all of them are thinking it might be a lot easier to make the Tennessee Titans squad…but then no blue stars, no Daisy Duke knotted shirts, no boots.

The whole premise of the show is that winning a spot as a Cowboys cheerleader is up there in the ranks of potential accomplishments with astronaut.  It’s part Playboy Bunny drink slinger and part exotic dancer (the poor Eagles cheerleaders have  a “warning mature content” label on their page of the website, the matureness seems to mostly have to do with a lot of boob squeezing bathing suit shots)  but maybe there really is something about all that hair and those boots…I mean, if your figure works for the uniform, why not?

Of course I’ve been watching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Making the Team.  This is the second or third season, so I’ve picked up a few DCC survival tips:

• Although it goes against all common sense, you must wear your hair down.  Have a lot of it and practice jumping around without getting it all stuck in your lip-gloss.

• Football knowledge: believe it or not this is a big curveball. A girl gets kicked off every season for not knowing who coaches the team.   It’s right up there with volunteering to be in charge of the map on the first episode of Survivor – Reality 101.

• If you are overweight you will hear “It’s just that you are too heavy for our uniform.” If you’re not pretty enough you’ll hear that “you just don’t photograph well.”

• And most importantly – it’s the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, not the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders – no matter how much harder it is to say.

I went to a Philadelphia Eagles game today and got to check out their cheerleaders.  I’m not sure I approve of their track pants and I didn’t see any high kicks or flying splits – compared to the DCC they were kind of phoning it in.

oh dear

But I can’t really blame them.  I would want to throw those sparkly pom-poms in the fireplace after about five minutes of twitching them around.  It looked like hard work – and four hours is a long time to be on your feet pretending to care about football. No amount of tinsel or tandem dancing can make up for the fact that the enormous stadium makes the cheerleaders seem doll-sized  – the scale of it all would really get me down.

It would also really get me down that (other than my friends and family) Eagles fans are the poorest sports in sports.  We sat behind Super Lady Fan today.  She arrived a little late with a girlfriend and immediately stripped down to an All-Eagles outfit including dangly earrings.  She clapped her hands like an animated woodland creature with only the palms touching, and she yelled in a scratchy high-pitched little girl voice.  To the Refs: “Let the boys play”  to Donovan McNabb “Boo-hoo Donovan.  Hall of Fame Boo-hoo.”   To Andy Reid “Go home Andy!”   All the yelling makes no sense to me since no one on the field could EVER hear her in a million years, but I once sat next to a perfectly normal looking guy who screamed “Mother f***er” non-stop for two hours at a Kansas Jayhawks basketball game, so I guess it’s just a fan thing.

Super Lady Fan alternated between screaming insults at the coach and players and cheering them on.  Seriously, it’s a good thing they couldn’t hear her.

jubilation

She also did a lot of butt waggling solo dances, unsolicited high-fiving (that actually brought to mind how little I like the “peace be with you” part of church where you have to shake a bunch of stranger’s hands) and lapsing into head-in-hands moments of crushing disappointment.

When she kept leaning forward to hold up an “L” for “Loser” above the head of a Redskins fan in front of her, her friend told her to sit down.  Did I mention this lady was in her late 50’s?  I’m thinking this might have been the last time her friend would come with her to a game.

despair

Every night after practice a few of them are called into the director’s office and sent home with the stock phrase “this will be your last night – the decision is final.”  It’s usually for bad dancing, low kicks or anorexia-inducing uniform incompatibility.  On their way out they say something about how they know there is a bigger plan for them – they are going to find a new, nobler goal.  There’s a nursing shortage, right?  Someone should recruit the hot, flexible DCC cast-offs for a sexy nurse ward to cheer up the troops or something.  I think all of them are thinking it might be a lot easier to make the Tennessee Titans squad…but then no blue stars, no Daisy Duke knotted shirts, no boots.

The whole premise of the show is that winning a spot as a Cowboys cheerleader is up there in the ranks of potential accomplishments with astronaut.  It’s part Playboy Bunny drink slinger and part exotic dancer (the poor Eagles cheerleaders have  a “warning mature content” label on their page of the website, the matureness seems to mostly have to do with a lot of boob squeezing bathing suit shots)  but maybe there really is something about all that hair and those boots…I mean, if your figure works for the uniform, why not?

 Our community rocks!  

We would like to thank everyone who came out to support the PVH Cancer Center on Thanksgiving.  This year’s run had a record attendance and the ENGAGE in life presence was unbelievable. 

Looking out on to the sea of runners and walkers at the start line was an amazing site in itself, but seeing all the people who came out in honor or in memory of a loved one with cancer was simply stunning.

ENGAGE in life is a motto that everyone can cling to.  We hope that you take some time this holiday season and think about how you ENGAGE in life.  AND…if you feeling like sharing your story, let us know!

Our local cancer survivors are at the heart of the PVH Cancer Center project.  It’ll take our entire community to make this Center a reality.  

Go to ENGAGE in life.org for more information about the project.  OR… if you want to help out right now…  Text the word ENGAGE on your cell phone to 90999 and donate $5.00 to the PVH Cancer Center!   The $5.00 will be added to your phone bill. 

This Cancer Center will become a reality through small, generous actions from people like you.

Thank you to everyone!  Happy Holidays.

What I think I learned the past year…

• I might feel like I am going to die but I probably will not
• I cannot read my journals
• Relationships are choices
• Sleep is over-rated
• I eventually am going to die
• Touch is suppose to be a choice
• It is ok to let people in
• Google is awesome
• I can be nice to myself
• Getting better does not feel good
• There is reasons for almost everything
• People watching is fun
• Therapy does not just happen with my therapists
• I do not have to be a statistic
• Therapists cannot read minds
• 4 days is the most I can go without sleep
• Staying out of the hospital is not a contest with my family
• Money does not mean anything
• Shoes laces are awesome
• It is ok to have friends
• I can become who ever I want
• I cannot ignore my insiders as it only makes everything worse
• Insurance companies are assholes
• I am human
• I do have people who support me
• I do not have to grow up
• It is ok to be scared
• There is no “normal”
• Not everyone is who I thought they were
• I am allowed to feel
• I am different
• If I sleep for exactly 3 hours I do not dream
• No one can tell me the answers
• I do not have to be perfect
• Everyone’s family is complicated
• Isolating is not fun
• The truth scares people sometimes
• DID is not an excuse for anything
• I do have friends
• Everyone will not hurt me
• Self-harm is a coping mechanism
• I live vicariously through song lyrics
• I cannot change the past
• Chap stick is awesome
• I do not have to remember everything to heal
• I can find ways around everything
• Writing myself notes is helpful
• I like making lists
• Numbers do not matter
• I like organization
• I despise change
• Art is important to everyone inside
• I do not have to believe in god
• The truth hurts
• I am a very tactile person
• One of my insiders is color blind
• I generalize all touch as bad
• Soy milk is dairy free
• I do not have to forgive
• My family dynamic scares me
• I like animals a lot
• I can read this list when I feel bad
• Taking breaks are necessary
• Denial is easier
• Not everyone does what they are supposed to
• It is easier to live one hour at a time
• DID is an adaptation
• My insiders did and still do help me
• I do not have to do everything alone
• If I cannot think of 365 things for this list it is ok

(Save it, Baby! Count me in!)

So, it goes like this . . .

So people want to know what my pumpkin goo is…

Well…

Pumpkin Goo is my interpretation of pumpkin pie without the crust. I bake it for 5 hours until the moisture is almost completely gone, and then I force my family to eat it with Cool Whip and tell them it’s actually pumpkin pie.

I think they bought it…

Can you believe that I got compliments?

I am a horrible cook.

I really don’t even know why I try sometimes, but my husband… my husband is incredible!

Super yum.

I would love for him to cook every single day, not only for the fact that he is an excellent cook but also for the fact that then I wouldn’t have to be in the kitchen.

Boooo-ring.

I can’t help it that I am not a Martha Stewart kind of girl.

Have you ever seen one of Martha Stewart’s television shows?

Like I would want to party with her.

It would be much like sleeping, but only awake… and on a bountiful table of sun-toasted greens and mixed hay on a a bed of sea salted crusties.

Snooze-ville.

So, yeah… my family is used to my own interpretations of many holidays.

I am not bound by tradition.

I draw outside the lines, baby.

Always have, always will.

It is not a mistake that my family loves my Pumpkin Goo since they have been raised on cripy black hot dogs, blue-box mac-and-cheese, and Albertson’s Monday Chicken Meal deals from the market.

Frankly, they crave my Pumpkin Goo since it is the closest thing to home-made food… once a year…   

… that is not burnt.

I’m a really great person for love, though.

Got tons of love.

Never out of love.

I am the Queen of Love.

But… cooking… how you say… not so much.

I do believe that Thanksgiving is about Food AND Love.

So… One out of two isn’t bad. A 50% success rate is not too shabby on a day that has some serious cooking in it, right?

That is the essence of Thanksgiving to me… my Pumpkin Goo, and someone else making all the rest of the great food, and lots of love.

Yeah, like ample amounts of love.

Like my mom crying when she says how much she loves us…

And, then at that vulnerable moment I throw some more Pumpkin Goo on her plate…

Just kidding.

I also sneak on some more Cool Whip.

It’s all good… including the Pumpkin Goo.

And, the love.

And, the yelling that the rolls are getting burned.

Yelling is a big part of Thanksgiving.

Loud love.

Lots of loud love.

Lots of love…

Hope your day was over flowing!

xoxo

Be well,

Belle

  A 78th Annual Writer’s Digest Award Winner

S. Belle Karper, Author, Speaker www.BelleKarper.com
THE WIDOW WEARS BLACK - An Edgy Memoir from an Outspoken Survivor
Check out S. Belle Karper’s – Beauties and Beasts – Blog! Baby! Blog!
and Belle Karper Face Book & the popular Twitter-Belle - all on Website
Save it, Baby! Count me in!

I tried to be positive about the TV schedule tonight, but alas…all my positive energy could not save the night that was, this thursday. I cant believe a Thursday TV Night let me down…darn you thanksgiving…darn you.

Just because it’s thanksgiving doesnt mean TV can have a night off! sigh…

Back to being a positive TV fan…Here’s a wrap up of thursday night’s TV:

Survivor- the dreaded “recap” show…SUCH a let down for every Survivor fan…you are always hoping they have FINALLY scraped this annual show…but every season it still rears it’s ugly head on an unexpected Thursday sometime mid-way through the season. But we did get to see more of Russell’s shrewd game-playing, Chicken-catching escapades (which should be a show in itself…think about it…), Shambo being irritating and self-important and people trying to sleep in the pouring rain (ruing the day they signed up for the game thinking it would bring them fame).

A new episode has been promised to us for next week… and it looks like Shambo becomes a ” Shaman” predicting the outcome of the game, and Russell continues to dictate the outcome of the game…can he be stopped?

People of the Year Special— You just want to know who they were right? Well, you’re welcome:

• Susan Boyle (shows the power of YouTube…and Simon Cowell)
• Sully (guy lands an airplane in a river…he deserves a visit/interview from Matt Lauer…)
• Kobe Bryant (wasnt he like…so 3 years ago?)
• Pirate Hostage (yes, pirates…they exist and they all look like Johnny Depp…)
• Octo Mom (If you came in late…you thought Matt was talking to Angelina…doppelganger…creepy.)
• Taylor Swift (so cute, so pretty, so talented…so rudely interrupted)

If you were wondering if any show could go an entire hour WITHOUT an MJ tribute…this wasnt it. Sorry…

So Americans were busy eating their weight in turkey and playing football (watching football…lets be honest) , leaving the rest of us to struggle for thursday night entertainment on our own… I tried, better luck next thursday TV Fans!

The time has come…we knew it would happen, but it doesn’t make it any less painful and depressing…The” end of the year hiatus” for many of our favourite shows is upon us.

With Finales everywhere you turn in the coming weeks…I have to work harder and harder to find TV to watch everynight. But do not fret. No need to actually make plans.

Here’s a list of what you can watch tonight:

Survivor- Ol’ faithful. This show won’t end for awhile, giving us a reason to continue to stay in on thursday nights. If you have NOT been watching, and are thinking of tuning in…(shame on you) let me give you a refresher: Russell is reinventing this game. He may look like a southern Pillsbury dough boy, but I warn you…when you look past the outer shell of this man, you’ll see he is not only hateable, scheming and cunning – he is also one of the best “players’ of this game. He has found every hidden immunity idol (with no clues), he has an entire team wrapped around his finger, he has managed to make (mullett) Shambo smitten and follow his every move, he makes the decision on who gets the vote every week…and no one SEES this! He is a reason 1-100 to tune in tonight… CBS /Global 8pm

Warning: CSI and Greys are both re-runs tonight…see you in January (explains why Greys had a thanksgiving-christmas- new years themed episode last week…shameful).

Other Options:

• Sports: NFL on sportsnet, Sens game on TSN
• NBC People of the Year Special – (interesting timing on this one… what if someone else stages a stunt BETTER than Balloon boy between now and December 31st?) Tune in tonight to see who the (obvious) choices will be (hint: she’s won ever award in music this year, and was rudely interrupted)  NBC 9pm
• A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving- it only airs ONCE per year, so if you’re into the Peanuts Seasonal Movie thing…this classic is airing tonight at 8pm on ABC
• Are you in the mood for a good movie (not of the Peanuts variety)? Cinderella Man (filmed almost entirely in Toronto, and stars Renee Zellwegger and Russel Crowe) is showing on A-channel, 8pm

Whatever you decide to watch tonight (make sure it’s Survivor…) have a great TV Night.

Happy Thanksgiving! Here’s today’s TV Tonight Report for Thursday, November 26, 2009.

CBS: Survivor: Samoa, 8pm; CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 9pm.

FOX: Night at the Museum, 8pm.

THE CW: Vampire Diaries, 8pm; Supernatural, 9pm.

NBC: The Office, 8pm; NBC’s People of the Year, 9pm.

ABC: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, 8pm; Beyoncé … I Am Yours, 9pm.

When discussing sexual assault and/or rape, even terms and definitions come into question.  For example, rape means penis to anal/vaginal penetration.  The definition of rape is very rigid, and one can feel sexually violated even if they weren’t penetrated.  The term  Sexual assault encompasses all different types of sexual violations such as touching, groping, and oral sex.

When we talk about sexual assault, there are many ways we think about sexual assault depending on who the survivor* is, the status she/he holds in society, the person’s sexual orientation, the relationship between the survivor and the perpetrator, that person’s occupation, WHAT that person was doing before/after the assault, and who the PERPETRATOR is.

Many people have different ideas about sexual assault depending on the situation.  For me, I ALWAYS believe the survivor.  

So, it disturbs me when a survivor is judged by what she/he was doing at the time of the assault.  The majority of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone the survivor knows, so people tend to assume the survivor must be lying or somehow “misunderstood”.  A large amount of sexual assaults take place with the influence of alcohol.  However, this fact is used to justify a sexual assault.  Comments like, “well, why would she get so drunk?” or “well, he was drunk too” or “why would she put herself in that situation?“ or the best, “well, if she didn’t drink so much, this wouldn’t have happened“  I find it funny though that alcohol is used to blame someone for “allowing” sexual assault to happen, but when the perpetrator was under the influence of alcohol, at the drop of a hat, the presence of alcohol excuses their behaviour.

Myths

We’ve all heard them….you know the ones:

1)  women are mostly assaulted by strangers – Not true 80% percent of women are assaulted by people that they know, making it all the more difficult to report an assault because the survivor may not feel like anyone believes them, or they are scared of what will happen to them or their families if they report.  They’re also scared of what their community will think of them if they report.  Sexual assaults that take place by complete strangers dominate the media, making us feel as though it happens more often than it actually does.

2)  women lie about sexual assault for attention – People actually still believe this one.  As if some woman is going to put herself through being ostracized by some patriarchal society and be treated as a liar by the police, lawyers, media, and his/her own community for attention.  Furthermore, by calling every woman a liar when it comes to sexual assault reinforces the idea that women can never be raped unless she fits under a certain criteria.  In fact, I find it ironic that we talk about women lying about sexual assault because only 6% of assaults are even reported to the police.

3)  women are assaulted for dressing “too sexy” – You would think we were past this one – apparently not.  Women are still criticized for what they’re wearing when they’re assaulted.  As if the state of dress gives someone the right to rape you.  Also, this myth is another way to control women’s agency regarding what they choose to wear and if they don’t follow a patriarchal idea of what to wear, then she apparently deserves to be raped.

4)  sex workers can’t be raped – Um, yes they can.  If they are sex workers, they’re not a free for all.  If they tell YOU “no”.  Then it’s “no”.  They don’t have to have sex with you because they choose to make a living doing so.   Sex workers have the autonomy to CHOOSE who they sell sex to.

5) Husbands can’t rape their wives – *SIGH*  Apparently, people still view women as property, so that means their wives are available to them anytime they please.  Wives CAN be raped.  If a woman says “no”.  She means “no”.  She is not property to be conquered.

6)  women provoke rape by acting in certain ways- women are sexually assaulted in many different situations.  As well, anyone is allowed to act however they please without the threat of being assaulted by someone because they feel that they have the right to do so.  AND, flirting and asking for sexual attention isn’t an invitation to rape.  No at any point during sexual activity is NO.  The idea that a guy “deserves” sex because someone led them to believe they were getting some is having an undeserved sense of entitlement.

7)  if there’s no weapon, there couldn’t have been a rape – To be sexually assaulted or raped is a very terrifying thing.  Rape is a crime of POWER, NOT PASSION.  So, someone that clearly is exerting power over you is extremely scary.  Even just their body is a physical threat.  The threat of using a weapon or the presence of a weapon is enough to keep someone compliant.  I mean, if you worked at a bank and someone had their hand behind their back and told you to hand over all the money because they had a gun, would you test that fact??  Probably not, because you can’t be sure if there’s a gun or there isn’t.

If the survivor isn’t hysterical, they couldn’t have been raped – People are different, therefore, different people have different reactions to different things.  One of those things being sexual assault.  One person may be hysterical, crying and screaming after an assault.  However, another may be very calm and try to carry on normally.  This does not mean they weren’t sexually assaulted.

I mean, to most of us socially conscious people, those myths are nothing new and we know that they aren’t true.  However, to those that are NOT so socially conscious, these myths are seen to be somewhat true.

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s a lack of social consciousness when it comes to believing those things.   We live in a patriarchal society that still views women as inferior to men.  We also live in a society of entitlement, we have men that feel they are entitled to women’s bodies.  I’ve heard men talk about women who think they’re all that and have discussions like, “who does that bitch think she is saying no to!  I mean, I’m a nice guy!”  It’s now come to the point that women have to say yes to every guy that comes along to absolve their feelings of inadequacy, which is obviously unfair.

Treating women like second class citizens is dangerous because men who feel entitlement are prone to rape.  I can’t say that enough.  Men find excuses to excuse rape.  She was wearing sexy clothes, she was acting seductively, we were both drunk, etc.

I just feel like sexual assault is a crime that isn’t taken seriously because the majority of sexual assault takes places against women by men and  we don’t view crimes against women seriously.  More thoughts later.

This post is just an introductory post to sexual assault and I will hope to write in depth in the near future focusing on less topics involving sexual assault.

 *I use the term “survivor” to indicate a person that has survived sexual assault, rather than continually referring to people as victims

*In this post, I am focusing on sexual assault only involving men and women, but in another post in the future, I will focus on sexual assault involving all genders when I have more knowledge.

“In any society, moments define time for a people and the bombing of the Murrah Building is forever etched in those who lived in Oklahoma City – and America. Upon moving here a decade after the bombing, I visited the Memorial frequently, and through the seasons, the cold, hopelessness of a stark winter gives way to the exhilaration of spring, the enthusiasm of summer and the reflection of fall, where I find this tree – a symbol of the inner strength of the Oklahoman, the American – constantly in my viewfinder. This collection of images morphed into one somehow inspires hopefulness, knowing the loving power of community.”

The above description is of the 16 x 20 “Survivor” Giclee, available now on weber-creative.com for the 2009 holiday. Order today and get FREE SHIPPING.

Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday. Easter is the first, but Thanksgiving runs a close second with Administrative Assistant Day running a close third (*wink*).

At the beginning of the month during small group English conversation at IFH I asked the students to share their favorite thing about the month of November. I responded saying that re-setting my 100 goals was my favorite part of November. Not only that, but I think it helps make Thanksgiving one of my favorite times of the year.

Of course there are the staple Thanksgiving experiences like pumpkin everything (see the Twitter feed), family around the table (we’ve missed this so much the last two years when we were abroad), turkey, leftovers, talking and watching football even if you don’t care about the game, the autumn colors, the size of the meal, sweet potatoes, corn bread, pickles and olives, cranberry sauce and of course decorating for Christmas soon afterwards.

With all of this, no wonder I love Thanksgiving.

However, I think the one thing that pushes it over the edge to number two is the fact that each year around Thanksgiving I re-do my 100 life goals.

Back in November 2001 in my AP Art Class I had a incorrigible teacher named Bruce Kanegai. He wasn’t so much hopeless, but persistent. I mean, the man was and is a machine. The guy is a karate black belt, an accomplished artist on his own right, he’s walked on the Parthenon, survived a rattle snake bite and competed on Survivor (he only left when he was deemed unable to compete physically…he disagreed – so hardcore). Well, Mr. Kanegai had our art class write up 100 life goals as a class project. Until we had 100 goals he would not accept our coming art projects. I filled the list with some serious goals and then some pretty silly ones, but I completed the project.

Kanegai, the he-man himself competing on Survivor:Panama. If you Google his name in images you will come with black belt photos, him wrangling a crocodile and kicking some serious butt on Survivor. Sheesh.

Over the next three years of my high school career I ended up completing 57 of those 100 goals. Mr. Kanegai’s 100 goals list not only inspired me, it drove me to write goals and be purposeful about the goals I set, the goals I accomplished and how I devised them.

The following year in 2002 I looked over my goals list and marked the ones I completed that year. There were something like 23 completed that first year. I gave thanks to God that Thanksgiving and laid before Him my other goals asking that if it be His will that I complete them in my life.

Since then, every Thanksgiving I look over my goals list and take off the ones I completed and any others I either did not complete (so far, only one was out of reach since it was time bound to high school…oh well) or I no longer feel are good goals for my life.

To date I have accomplished 129 goals (with 15 a year as a benchmark). The goals accomplished range from silly things like “read a book” and “drive the Oscar Meyer mobile” to other more serious ones like “run a marathon” or “marry the girl of my dreams.”

Over the years I shared this goals list with a lot of different people. Many thought it was cool, others thought it was inspiring and still others started their own. My friend Alyssa shared one year that at CUI her 100 goals list was the single most life changing thing that happened to her in university. Praise Jesus.

Maybe you can start your 100 goals list this year. Call it a bucket list, a 30 goals before 30 or whatever. Just get it started, give thanks to the LORD and set before Him your desires and conform yourself to His will.

From November 30 2008 until November 25 2009 I completed a total of 10 goals. I removed three others and so this year I am setting 13 new goals. They are goals 88-100:

88. Place a cross on the hill of crosses in Latvia
89. Run the LA Marathon
90. Profit from my professional writing
91. Have a book published
92. Visit South Korea
93. Get inside the Arctic Circle
94. Have a formal spiritual director
95. Obtain a doctorate
96. Complete the “Recreative” project
97. Read 125,000 pages in a year
98. Backpack in the Grand Canyon w/ Elizabeth
99. See Elizabeth happy and full time in work
100. Go on a pilgrimage

Who knows how many I will accomplish, who knows how many of these will last on the list.

Of all the things I don’t know I do know this – I am thankful for every moment the LORD gives me on this earth. I am thankful for every blessing He’s given me, whether I’ve recognized it as such or not. I am thankful for the goals He sets on my heart and the goals He’s given me to accomplish. More importantly I am thankful that His greatest goal was the salvation of our souls and the redemption of His creation (Hebrews 12:2).

Thank you Jesus for my life, my wife, my family, my friends, my career, my talents, my gifts, my goals, this world, its people and thank you most of all that it is all redeemable and usable in your Kingdom through your re-Creative power in and through the Holy Spirit. Amen.

I have not watched Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) in a while but this time I started watching late in the season.  I love the Osbournes and routed for Kelly the whole way.  Until I watched Donnie Osmond’s first dance on Monday night.  Well I fell in love.  He won, Kelly came in third.  I am happy and well I will see how it goes with Season 10…  Watch or not to watch that is the question!?

Went to see New Moon this past week-end…  Not impressed.  I loved the book it was my fave of all four I read it in one day at the cottage.  The movie just didn’t do it justice!  Jake all the way for me peeps!  Not contest in my mind!  Love me some werewolves! 

Have been skimming through blog roll here some really good blogs and writing you should do the same when you have some time.

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man’s hat if you haven’t got a penny a ha’penny will do if you haven’t got a ha’penny then god bless you!  Picture Miss Piggy and John Denver!  I love it.  Gotta break out the CD!!!!  I am so very excited, I am sure it is going to be a good year for us!  I have done most of the shopping only about two more to go! 

Work have been good nothing too much to report.  I for the first time actually enjoy coming to work. 

 Cell phone is busted.  Every timeJames calls it hangs up on him!  LOL!  I think it’s hilarious and it just really ticks him off!  Oh and I busted my Parking break in my car and with a manual trannie it ain’t a good thing!

 Love, happy to be in it! 

Was going to do a pic of the day but found this on YouTube instead!  And they say dogs are dumb!

Here’s a quick recipe too!  They have a new Budget wise section on Kraftfoods.com and a big Potluck section for Christmas and US thanksgiving coming!

http://www.kraftfoods.com/kf/recipes/chicken-parmesan-bundles-107338.aspx

So, I am going to the One of a Kind show with  my Mother-in-law and Grandmother this Sunday!  I have not been in years, should be fun! 

Along with the One of a Kind we used to go to the Sugar Plum Fair every year at Casa Loma, it was the National Ballet of Canada’s major fundraiser.  Kinda miss it.  We always got these chocolate and caramel covered apples from a place called Treemendous apples.  I don’t know if they still exist!

I am really very sad that  Eastwick has been cancelled it was really the only new show this season that I liked. 

Jon and Kate plus Eight signed off on Monday night!  I am really sad!  I am going to miss that show quite a bit.  STOOPIT  Jon.  Criminal Minds and Vampire Diaries have moved into my fave show category although I am really leaning towards Table for 12 as a replacement and in the end I still have 18 (soon to be 19) Kids and Counting! 

It’s kinda funny that this season I didn’t watch too much of the reality TV, I have not watched Survivor, missed a few of the Hell’s Kitchen, got board with ANTM to the point I PVR’d it and skipped to the end every week so I could just see who got kicked off!  I am getting back to the dramas except when it comes to TLC.  Oh who am  I fooling, still watching the Housewives and Tori and Dean.  Still watching Canada’s Worst Driver!  I love it!  My newly discovered Rescue Ink is GREAT too!

Had lunch with an old friend and her puppy last Friday!  It was nice!  This time of the year is always good to reconnect!  

I miss my best friend we don’t see nearly enough of each other.  Lives are too busy!

A shout of Sympathy to my long time friend MAB.  You have an angel watching down over you know.  Just know that Snoopy is with Tiny and Mowhawk now!  You will always have him in your memory! 

The loss of a loved and cherished pet is devastating especially when they are nearing their 20s.  Here is a website that helps with this…  http://www.pet-loss.net/index.shtml However you need to remember that you have to go through the stages or grief the same as you would with a Human being!  Don’t let anyone tell you any differently!  http://www.petloss.com/rainbowbridge.htm

Well that is me done!  Going to sign off now!  Have a good one!  I won’t leave it so long in between next time! 

We started werewolves last night. It’s kind of like Mafia but better. It’s like a middle ages version, I guess. Theres a seer, witch, cupid, townspeople, werewolves, thieves, vampires ect… Each character has a role in the game. The best part? It’s real-time/Live action and we’re playing for a winning of 100 dollars. That’s a lot when you’re in college. The point of the game is to deceive, or befriend to gain alliances which will ultimately help you get further in the game. But much like the reality TV show Survivor – You’re playing for yourself, in the end. Personally? I’m a townsperson - I pretty much do nothing except vote people out (again like survivor). Boring? Not so much, you have nothing to hide but you get to fool around in the politics of the game. Mike, my roommate, is Cupid – he makes people fall in love and those people thus become “lovers”. What lovers are is actually pretty inhibiting. If one lover dies the other automatically dies too. challenging as it may be, it adds a lot of politics too because a lover can also be a dual role of, say, a vampire or a warewolf which causes them to be somewhat of a double agent. Ultimately, a lover would play for and with a lover in hopes to keep both of them safe. Lovers put themselves over their other affiliations. Neat, huh? Look it up on google – maybe they’ll give full instructions.
In other news, Thanksgiving break is here and God do I feel like I need it. I’m not feeling well at all and it’s been going on for about 5 days now – I’m assuming it’s just homesickness, but it feels a bit more physical than that. Mike is playing Fallout 3 – I started it. It’s fun so far – I like V.A.T.S. Anyway, I should get packing for my trip home.

Beatus Vir Qui Suffert Tentationem

.Rin.

“Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now, But it can’t rain forever”

Recently one of my few friends from my childhood took his own life. We used to be friends but we had not talked in about 7 years. As we, both attended different high schools.  I was not particularly close with him or anyone until I went to high school. 

I do not remember him being depressed in middle school. Nevertheless, he could have been, as I do not remember much of anything.

I think many people are never seen as depressed because it may manifest itself differently in some. I know that childhood depression looks different that adult depression. I think when you’re in a high school your at that awkward stage and depression can be manifested with childlike symptoms.

During high school, a few of my classmates committed suicide. I always never really thought I felt any feelings about it. However, when everyone was talking about how much their suicide must have hurt their families, I had different feeling about that.

I always was jealous of the person that took their own life, as they finally were free. They did not have to living a life of hurt, sadness and pain. They did not have to hide their depression from everyone.

I went to a catholic school from when I started school formal school in 4^th grade. I never thought about suicide as a bad thing, but I never saw it as good. Suicide was always just indifferent to me.

I feel like I hide many feelings and I try to minimize my abuse. When I was twelve, I attempted suicide and I did not plan it. I was just something that I somehow already knew how to do…I really never understood it.

 My parents knew that I had tried to commit suicide but they did nothing to help me. The same thing happened in 6^th grade when they were told I was self-harming. They “talked the talk” to the school counselor and pretended to care.

I think that some parents might really care about what other people think of them. In addition, they may view getting help as something ugly. I think what is ugly is that sometimes people that are really hurting never get the help that they truly disserve and need.

Anyone who feels suicidal please seek professional help. Your life is worth it.

Rest In Peace..