Dreamgirls is my kind of show.  It has fantastic, R&B music with real soul, a great cast of characters, and enough sass to patch up any rough melodramatic spots.  Having been raised on Motown (and showtunes), this show is simply what I enjoy.

I love the Dreamgirls score, and have three different recordings of it.  There’s the wonderful original Broadway cast (featuring the marvelous Jennifer Holiday, the divine Sheryl Lee Ralph, and the delightful Loretta Devine), the concert version (with diva trio Lilias White, Audra McDonald, and Heather Headley), and the movie soundtrack (hosting Jennifer Hudson, Beyoncé, and Anika Noni Rose).

At the core of the show is a robust R&B score coupled with the rise of a diva (Deena Jones, originated by Sheryl Lee Ralph and played notably in the movie by Beyonce) while witnessing the shunning of a larger woman (Effie Melody White) who doesn’t fit the rising tide of style over substance that the 1960’s musical landscape pioneered that dominates today.

Jennifer Holiday became a huge icon with the role of Effie White, and launched a million renditions of And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going by singers needing a showpiece.  The rest of the score is filled with excellent numbers, from Stepping to the Bad Side to I Am Changing to One Night Only to the titular Dreamgirls, the show balances sass and sap quite well, even if most of the dialogue is half-sung.

A number of writers have compared Effie White to Mama Rose, and the comparison isn’t that far off.  Both Gypsy & Dreamgirls were originally developed as showcases for roles that are now seen as supporting – Deena Jones & Louise.  Both roles have three signature numbers.  Rose has Some People, Everything’s Coming Up Roses & Rose’s Turn.  Effie has And I Am Telling You, I Am Changing and One Night Only.  Both roles require such a balance of acting and singing talent that to perform them competently is to perform them well.  The similarities just begin there, and extend to discussions about the original directors – Jerome Robbins & Michael Bennett, who also are seen as generational comparators.  So, I see the argument & really would love to engage in a deeper discussion about it.  (Comments anyone?)

(On a side note, there are other female roles that drive shows also requiring such a level of performance – Anita in West Side Story and Velma Kelly in Chicago come to mind.  This would make for a great theatre queen debate.)

(Back to the recordings for a second, Jennifer Holiday owns all three numbers, but Lilias White absolutely kills One Night Only and Jennifer Hudson wins best with I Am Changing.  All three have the requisite emotion and vocal power for And I Am Telling You, but Jennifer Holiday still owns it.  As for Deena, the original is still the best.  Sheryl Lee Ralph, for who the show was originally developed, brings a tremendous growth from shy supporting role to lead performer.  For Lorell, well, who doesn’t love Loretta Devine, though the role was never as distinguishing enough on the soundtrack to really tell how the performance worked.)

It was with all of this and a huge helping of excitement that I approached the Dreamgirls tour that was kicking off at the Apollo.  Robert Longbottom, he who drained the fun out of Bye Bye Birdie, directed this revision, balancing the insane amount of costume & wig changes with some tweaks to a show most audiences only know from the movie.

Before I dive into the fairly spare, obviously-designed-for-travel production itself, let’s get the basics out of the way.  As Jennifers Holiday & Hudson did, Moya Angela repeatedly takes ownership of the show with her take on Effie.  Her powerful voice and assured presence carry the show as much as her predecessors carried their versions.  While not yet as personally dynamic as the other two divas, she does right by the role, bringing down the house with the infamous And I Am Telling You at the end of the first act.

Syesha Mercado tries to do justice to Deena Jones, but the role is so underwritten, its hard for anyone to really shine.  One change to the original that Longbottom made was to bring in Beyoncé’s big number from the movie, Listen.  Reworked as a duet between Deena and Effie, the number gives Deena a previously missing emotional song to showcase more than just wallflower & diva archetypes.  That being said, Mercado does the song justice, but doesn’t have enough energy to really shine in the role and is overwhelmed by Angela’s powerhouse.  She’s lovely and sounds good, but just doesn’t sparkle enough.

If Deena Jones was underwritten, Lorell was just tossed in on the side.  The role doesn’t have much to it, but Adrienne Warren distinguished herself well in the role.  She was the one performer who I went home and googled to see what else she’s been in.  Her one solo, Ain’t No Party, had a weight and energy I wasn’t expecting, and I look forward to seeing her more onstage.

Arguably the biggest highlight is Chester Gregory as Jimmie “Thunder” Early.  As Frank Rich articulated in his original review for the New York Times, the role of Jimmie is as central to the soul-destroying elements of the music industry as Effie is, and all the more heartbreaking as he looses himself onstage (albeit heartbreaking & hilarious at that moment).  Here, Gregory pretty much upstages his cast whenever he’s onstage.  He’s electric in the role, distractingly so at times, and is actually the only male role worth paying attention to.

As for the other two male leads, Trevon Davis as C.C. White and Chaz Lemar Shepard as Curtis Taylor Jr, neither really distinguishes themselves.  Davis is overmatched by all of the women onstage and doesn’t display much emotional range.  Shepard is fine with Stepping To The Bad Side, but is otherwise unremarkable in the caricature villain role.

As for the production itself, it highlights everything you want in Dreamgirls – a slew of rapid costume changes (apparently over 500 costumes and 150 wigs are in the show), emotional showcasing of the score, and energetic performances.  The set (by Robin Wagner) isn’t much to speak of, with some mixed-media tableaux rotating onstage with the occasional clear plastic desk (which needs to be cleaned before every performance, and wasn’t).  The structure of using the towered tableaux works quite well, switching between on-stage and off, along with other venues.

And then there are the costumes.  The iconic mu-mu-esque ensembles are brought out for the titular number (a huge highlight), and overall, the sheer amount of costume changes are amazing.  If they occasionally look cheap, I reminded myself that this is a touring show, not a Broadway show.  Not only were some of the pieces lovely, the show brought back a technical accomplishment that was famous at the time.  During I Am Changing, Effie’s solo spotlight slowly closes in to just her face, and her African-esque garb flips into a gown – while she’s singing.  It’s an amazing moment, not just for the costumes, but for Angela who ably transforms her clothes while maintaining an emotional ballad.

The one issue I have with the costumes (by William Ivey Long) is that the chest line for Effie was often borderline insane.  She had a few very low-cut shirts that went way too low, and one dress (during the Heavy sequence) looked like it would pop off at any moment.  It was so distracting at one point that I nearly lost myself in a fit of giggles.  Every time Angela took a breathe, the dress looked like it was going to pop open.  Here’s that dress, in nowhere near as damaging a view as it appeared onstage.

Overall, though, the real star of the show is the show itself.  If the book is a bit lightly written, the tremendous score more than compensates with some powerful punches.  It’s a thoughtful piece of theatre with a tremendous emotional range.  And those voices, harmonies, and songs are just transcendent.  It’s a bit of a shame the show’s never been revived on Broadway in its near 30 years of existence, but there’s talk this production could make its way back when the tour finishes.  There would need to be some changes, but despite any faults of this production, the show is simply too enjoyable to pass up.

Some more images with the lovely Syesha. Make sure to check her out on tour with Dreamgirls. http://www.dreamgirlsonstage.com/

New York, NY Apollo Theatre / November 7 – December 12, 2009

Baltimore, MD Hippodrome Theatre / December 16-27, 2009

Pittsburgh, PA Heinz Hall / December 29, 2009 – January 3, 2010

Milwaukee, WI Marcus Center for the Performing Arts, Uihlein Hall / January 5-10, 2010

Minneapolis, MN Orpheum Theatre / January 12-17, 2010

Chicago, IL Cadillac Palace Theatre / January 19-31, 2010

Boston, MA Colonial Theatre / February 2-14, 2010

Columbus, OH Palace Theatre / February 16-21, 2010

Los Angeles, CA Ahmanson Theatre Music Center / February 25 – April 4, 2010

Seattle, WA Paramount Theater / April 6-11, 2010

Portland, OR Keller Auditorium / April 13-18, 2010

Costa Mesa, CA Orange County Performing Arts Center / April 20-May 2, 2010

Cincinnati, OH Aronoff Center / June 8-20, 2010

Philadelphia, PA Academy of Music – Kimmel Center / June 22-27, 2010

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Syesha Mercado

Photos by: Toky Photography

Clothes: MarcoMarco

Styled: Marco Morante

Hair: Hector Pocasangre

Makeup: James Vincent

Another Syesha tearsheet. This time from USA TODAY. (woo-hoo!!!)

USA TODAY, Nov 19, 2009. Life Section.

Syesha’s Dress: MarcoMarco

Styled by: Marco Morante/House of Infinite Radness

Hair: Hector Pocasangre

Makeup: James Vincent

Earrings: Emilie Odeile

A finalista da 7ª temporada de American Idol, Syesha Mercado estréia nos palcos da Broadway no musical Dreamgirls.

O revival está previsto para estrear dia 22/11/2009 no Apollo Theatre e a garota assume nada menos que o papel da diva Deena Jones (interpretado por Beyonce nos cinemas).

Durante a temporada de American Idol, Syesha recebia diversas críticas de Simon Cowell por ela ser “muito Broadway”. Não é que ele estava certo?! SCORE!

Clique para assistir a fita-teste de Syesha.

A nice little birthday surprise was my photo on the front page of the Herald Tribune Newspaper (FL). I’m very excited for Syesha and her role in Dreamgirls.

Herald Tribune front page (Nov 13, 2009 issue)

Syesha’s Dress: MarcoMarco

Hair: Hector Pocasangre

Makeup: James Vincent

Earrings: Emilie Odeile

Just had to show this outfit.

Syesha Mercado

Photo: Toky Photography

Clothes: Marco Morante

Makeup: James Vincent

Hair: Hector Pocasangre

Just updated my site with a bunch of new work. Two new series: Girls will be Girls and Part II of Sometimes Catastophes Become Trophies. New work in the music section as well. More to come. Revisions will be of course made, but for now, the new stuff is up.

My next series: “The Scarlett LetterS” and my images for Schultz Jeans in the U.K. will be on next months update. Woo-hoo!

Syesha tweeted the link to this “fancy dance video” to David and asked him to check it out. I hope he did!

Source: http://padackles1028.blip.tv/

Source: Variety.com

“Dreamgirls” is set to hit the stage for a national tour. Considering the success of the movie remake “Dreamgirls”, it was only a matter of time before they revived the stage show. Former Americal Idol contestant, Syesha Mercado will be part of the national tour cast. According to Playbill.com, the national tour will kick off in November 2009 at the Apollo theater in New York City. In further news, the Academy Award nominated song “Listen” will also be part of the tour. For more information on the tour, visit the tour’s official website.

Coretta Scott Mercado wants you to follow her on Twitter.

So she made a video about it. It’s kind of bizarre. There were squirrels, Kristy Lee Cook, people chanting her name, her almost speaking in Spanish, her doing something which was either a Mandarin dialect or an imitation of something of the ilk.

Well, even Syesha Mercado now has steady work, as she is joining the touring cast of Dreamgirls in the role Deena Jones, the very pretty but not-so-talented chick who becomes the act’s frontwoman based on her looks. So you really can’t say its not appropriate casting.

Dreamgirls opens at the world-famous Apollo Theater in Harlem, so I’m POSITIVE we will be hearing some memorable words from Ms. Coretta Scott Mercado on such a momentous occasion for her, especially in the wake of Michael Jackson’s death (The Jackson 5 won the Amateur Night competition there, which led to them being signed by Berry Gordy’s Motown Records).

I always had high hopes for Coretta Scott Mercado, but then she kept opening her mouth and singing complete crap. She was cute! With really fun hair! I was hoping she would help make up for the hole in my heart caused when Nadia Turner was unceremoniously given the boot during Season 4. Coretta Scott Mercado taught me fun hair does not mean a cool singer. BOO!!!

Oh well, maybe she will surprise us one day. Until then,  Coretta Scott Mercado has steady work AND she wants you to follow her on Twitter.

So I’ve been thinking about next week…there are four judges this year. On Top 3 week, don’t they usually have each judge pick a song? And how will they do this with four judges? Alternate? Well, I’m sure this will at least elicit some excellent ones from Shit For Brains. Let’s see…HBD would sing that Jason Mraz song, La Princesa would have to do Pink’s Get This Party Started, Gokeyoke would do Boyz II Men, perhaps…Screech (wait, can I really call HIM Screech after Gokey assassinated classic Aerosmith?)

Maybe since yesterday’s non-rehearsal and incongruous number of judges, they will keep all 4! Yeah, right. Well, enough with the speculation. Let’s get this shit show started. BTW, Every week, I still wonder why I am watching this tripe. Each and every week.

OMG OVER 64 MILLION VOTES, well, this commenter over on MJ’s Big Blog certainly did her part:

I estimate I got in the neighborhood of 1500 votes in for Adam. *hangs head in shame at what a total and complete nut I’ve become for the Glambert*

Uh…uh…how??

Yeah, unlimited texting, an extra cell, and a landline are my friends. And my kids and husband are getting used to me snarling, “Get away from me if you’re not going to help me vote, damn it!” on Tuesday nights.

Ok, sweetheart, I don’t know if I would go around bragging about such things, but that’s just me. Give my regards to your family, ok?

FORD COMMERCIAL NONSENSE

Are they supposed to be paper dolls or something? No clue. But that fraking faux-suspender t-shirt I’ve seen Gokeyoke in about 6 zillion times really needs to be tossed in a dumpster. Read the signs, Gokeyoke, stop wearing that shit.

That commercial was boorrring. But now Slash is gonna play lead guitar during Group Sing Hell. This week — Alice Cooper’s School’s Out.

I just want Gokeyoke to screech again. Please oh please oh please.

Awww…two people I like. Either one of them could be leaving us tonight…why does everyone I like have to go away?

Giving the public more of what they want (Oh. And she TOTALLY shoved Gokeyoke harder than Screech, er, Lambert.)

Blocking Gokeyoke’s head with funny faces.

Digital phallic symbols. Shit-eating Gokeyoke grin. Slash.

Awesome! Seacrest noticed La Princesa’s obvious distaste for Gokeyoke with that little smack, too. Well, its probably deserved since he grouped her and a baked good last week, oh, and totally ran over her buddy Hot By Default last night, so…

Whoa, what? I have to sit through Paula, Daughtry AND No Doubt. (Sorry, just always thought Gwen Stefani is completely overrated.)

Nooo, Hot By Default, you totally deserve to be here. Amazingly, Gokeyoke got the memo and decided to be LIKEABLE for once. He admits to laughing about his performance all last night, calling family members, how his Aunt was forced to leave the room because it was so bad and heard that people made ringtones out of it (Uh…ok. I totally did. First and only thing I’ve downloaded from this shit show all season!). He claims it was the most fun he’s had all season.

So…Gokeyoke has a sense of humor? Is he embracing himself as a VFTW pick? No, this can’t be.

La Princesa gets tons of cheers. Yay! La Princesa! And how awesome is it that she admits how she wants to maim Shit For Brains? Christ, I hope she gets eliminated just so they don’t make some her some ridiculous tween pop clone to compete with those Disney chicks.

She was asking for it…so…I’m like FINE. I’ll give it to you.

PAULA DOES SOMETHING ON STAGE

Oh please oh please say MC Skat Kat shows up. Ugh. Don’t play Dance Like There is No Tomorrow ever again. What? This is called I’m Just Here For The Music. Are you just there for the music after you dance like there’s no tomorrow? What the hell is this shit? You used to name things with just two words? Like Straight Up. Opposites Attract. Rush Rush. Granted, most of it wasn’t good, but you know, they took less time to say.

Am I watching The X-Factor with Britney Spears again? Because I swear I’ve seen this routine before. And this song is about as meaty as a buffet table at a goddamn PETA convention.

You know Paula is only performing so she can tell Shit For Brains to go suck it. Because Shit For Brains could never cut it as a recording artist.

What the hell was that lame ass ending? And huh?

Live! Love! Sing! Dance! XheartXheart PAULA

Granted, that little “autographed” ending could score her a bit part in the next Baz Lurhman film, La Boehme Vicodin.

(Hey, does anyone know why they keep advertising AmericanIdol.com with Alexis “Malnourished Casper Twat” Grace’s profile? Ah, yes. She totally must have banged someone else to get that post-post-post-multiplied-by-infinity pimpage.)

Oh Paula, he’s like your new MC Skat Kat, isn’t he? And check out that new necklace from HSN’s Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection!

Ugh. Here is a pre-recorded No Doubt performance. Just A Girl is technically an oldie, now, I think. Which is sad, b/c I was like 17 when I first heard it. Christ, Gwen Stefani cut out that Harajuko Girl shit for a little bit so she can dress like a fraking “ska-punk princess” again. Sorry Gwen lovers, but she’s always irritated me. (Although I did like Rich Girl, except for that stupid hook part by Eve. Christ, so lame.)

Why can’t Lambert wear drummer Adrian Young’s outfit on the Idol stage?

FLASHBACKS OF HOMECOMINGS PAST

Ewwww. They just showed that douchebag who be-boxed Bon Jovi a couple of years ago. Hasn’t that asshat died of the Pig Flu yet?

Ok. While I’ve only watched a few seasons of Idol, I gotta admit, there was only one truly memorable “homecoming”. Eliot fraking Yamin. Hello? Who didn’t totally love Mama Yamin?? And come on, Idol needs more diverse contestants. Like Diabetic white Jewish boys from the Deep South with adorable mothers. (RIP Mama Yamin).

HA HA HA. Remember Coretta Scott Mercado?? Christ, I can’t stand that fake twat. She was such proof Idol is fixed!

Now we’re getting down to the results. Well, part of them. Ok, Lambert. Please get a proper facial or laser treatment or something! That greasepaint does nothing good for your skin.

Where is Gokey’s hand? And the Kradam nutters are LOVING this scene. They’ve already started furiously typing the NC-17 slash!

One goes to safety…hurry this shit show up. (Oh, whew. Gokey’s hand is in his pocket.)

OK. I am like, uh, kind of thrilled right now. HOT BY DEFAULT IS SAFE! Of course, I know this means La Princesa is going home, but…she will be better off anyway. In fact, it will be the best thing for her.

Jesus christ, I think the M.R.S. Allen just busted a valve. I didn’t know she could show such raw emotion.

DAUGHTRY IS HERE

Another reason why winning Idol can screw you. Chris Daughtry. Yeah, ok. So I totally like that It’s Not Over song. I don’t own the album, but I downloaded that song. It was nominated for a Grammy, you know, as was Ace Young, who received a co-writing credit. (So take that, Greasy Constantine Maroulis lunatics who are creaming yourselves over his bullshit Tony Nomination.)

Daughtry’s new song is no It’s Not Over. Maybe I’ll listen to it again, hell, I’m sure I’ll hear it again. In any case, it’s better than anything he would have sang on his debut album had he won this shit show, but its still kind of crap.

Hey, has anyone else noticed how tonight, Shit For Brains DioGuardi looks like she just did a walk of shame to the studio? She was probably doing naughty things to Quatto The Mole after his appearance on today’s Ellen.

Ok. I like bald heads. However, Daughtry, you really need to lose that MEGA-DOUCHEBAG facial hair. You shilling for Coca Cola now, too? Because that looks like it was inspired by a Coke can.

Jesus christ, can we hurry this shit show up? Knowing HBD is safe, well, this inevitably means La Princesa will be going home, proving once again, you cannot frak with the voting power of the all-mighty frauen. Or the crazy evangelicals. Or both.

Yeah, unlimited texting, an extra cell, and a landline are my friends. And my kids and husband are getting used to me snarling, “Get away from me if you’re not going to help me vote, damn it!” on Tuesday nights.

Yo, Hot By Default. Since you’re sticking around another week, stop shopping with fraking Gokeyoke.

Obviously, Lambert is safe. Because we have to create faux-suspense. And the inevitable…awwww…look how sad Kradam looks. What forlorn clapping.

You know something? I never saw Kelly Clarkson on here, so besides Nadia Turner and Megan Joy, I’m gonna have to say La Princesa is my favorite female singer they’ve ever had on this show. Little girl can sing. And I will totally buy her goddamn album, which will now be good because Idol people won’t be producing it.

EGAD.

Jesus christ, this chick has such an amazing voice. She could beat the shit out of Farmbot Underwood any day.

Love you, La Princesa del Mariachi.

Now can someone please help me find this dude?

Most of American Idol sucks. I know it. You know it.

But here is a person crying foul over what they purport to be an international conspiracy to keep Anoop Desai in the competition.

They’ve made a lengthy blog post about it, as well as a handy little slide show with all the evidence laid out…not-so-ironically set to Gary Jules’ Mad World. (Hmmm…come on, do you really think Anoop’s impassioned international fans plotting this vast conspiracy are going to prevent Adam Lambert from winning this damn thing? Ha. That’s funny.)

I really don’t see how this is any different from people furiously calling and texting for 2 hours straight in this country, using their land line, their mobile and online services such as Skype. Unless there was some quick & easy way for Idol to only count one vote from a phone number, of course, then there are always going to be people who call and call and call and call…

Whatevia. This is just LAME. Call out the shit show for their incessant pimping and blatant fixing. It’s not like the votes actually matter. Three words: Coretta Scott Mercado. Yes, I am so sure she came in third last year because so many people were voting for her. Yeah. And I’m Santy Claus.

BEST

Katharine McPhee
Season 5, Love Songs Week

Jordin Sparks
Season 6, Country Night

Tamyra Gray
Season 1, Big Band Night

Syesha Mercado
Season 7, Beatles week

Carrie Underwood
Season 4, Billboard No. 1s Week

David Cook
Season 7, Dolly Parton week

Fantasia Barrino
Season 3, Performance-Night Finale

Anthony Fedorov
Season 4, 21st Century Week

Stephanie Edwards
Season 6, Semifinals

Michael Johns
Season 7, Dolly Parton week

Vonzell Solomon
Season 4, Season Finale

Kady Malloy
Season 7, Semifinals

WORST

Jennifer Hudson
Season 3, Wild Card Round

Ryan Starr
Season 1, pick a week…any week!

Ramiele Malubay
Season 7, Dolly Parton results night

Blake Lewis
Season 6, Bee Gees Week results show

Amanda Overmyer
Season 7, Semifinals

Rickey Smith
Season 2, Disco Night

Haley Scarnato
Season 6, British Invasion Night

Sanjaya Malakar
Season 6, various nights

Nadia Turner
Season 4, Billboard No. 1s Week

Clay Aiken
Season 2, Bee Gees Night

Vonzell Solomon
Season 4, Semifinals

Katharine McPhee
Season 5, Songs From the 21st Century Night

Source

America’s favorite television show and the #1 theme park destination in the world meet in the American Idol Experience, the newest attraction at Disney’s Hollywood Studios. Over two dozen ‘American Idol’ celebrities will be appearing at the park to open the new attraction.

By Blake

Originally posted February 11, 2009.

American Idol fans have been enjoying the last few weeks. The show recently began its eighth season on Fox and has been entertaining families with its first round of auditions, followed by the infamous “Hollywood week.” The top 36 contestants will be announced next and then it’s on to the live performances, which means the first opportunity this season for viewers to vote for their favorites.

Although that’s certainly exciting, today I’m excited for another reason, though it still involves American Idol. This weekend, the American Idol Experience officially opens at Disney’s Hollywood Studios at Walt Disney World in Florida. It’s an anticipated attraction that lets Walt Disney World guests see what it’s like to audition for American Idol.

The attraction was first announced in February 2008 as an unnamed American Idol-themed show that would let guests go through a pretend American Idol audition process. The attraction is part of a park-wide revamp at Disney’s Hollywood Studios that includes debuting new attractions, updating already-established attractions, and significant re-theming to the park.

Concept art for the American Idol Experience. The look of the outside of the attraction has been slightly scaled down since the concept art was created.

On May 21, 2008 Jordin Sparks appeared in a commercial on the season seven finale of American Idol to give some more details about the anticipatory attraction. It was then that the attraction’s name was announced as the American Idol Experience. Sparks appeared in the commercial on none other than the balcony of Cinderella Castle.

Jordin Sparks on the balcony of Cinderella Castle, appearing in a commerical for the American Idol Experience.

In June 2008, several season seven American Idol contestants (including David Cook, David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, Jason Castro, and more) taped some promotional footage for the attraction that is speculated to be part of the show itself. They shared some of their American Idol stories as well as their Disney memories. Brooke White even drew an excellent sketch of Mickey Mouse, who she had learned to draw when she had wanted to become a Disney animator when she was younger.

Brooke White draws Mickey Mouse while sharing her Disney memories.

During the American Idol summer 2008 tour, a one-page promotion for the American Idol Experience was featured in the concert’s program. Additionally, the aforementioned commercial featuring Jordin Sparks was played during the concert’s intermission.

Throughout the fall of 2008, not much information or news was heard about concerning the attraction, other than the construction of the show building, Superstar Television Theater (recently renamed from ABC Theater, where Doug Live was performed several years back). American Idol decorations are abundant outside the theater, and the inside has been constructed to look like the stage from the TV show’s top twelve round.

The outside of the American Idol Experience in Walt Disney World.

In December 2008, promotion and advertising began to pick up for the attraction as its opening date of early 2009 drew nearer. Both David Cook and David Archuleta made appearances on the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade. Cook performed “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” while Archuleta appeared at Disney’s Hollywood Studios to give a look into the new attraction as well as give a summary of the other happenings in the park.

David Cook performs in the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade 2008.

David Archuleta tapes a segment for the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade 2008.

Additionally, in mid-January 2009, Ryan Seacrest appeared at Disney’s Hollywood Studios for reasons currently unknown to me, though I’d guess it would be to film some footage for the attraction. He also posed for some promotional images.

Ryan Seacrest in mid-January 2009 in front of the American Idol Experience at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World.

Also in mid-January, sneak previews of the attraction began to get underway at the park, featuring several showtimes throughout the day and a daily grand finale taking place at the end of each day. Audience members vote for the winner, and each winner receives a “Dream Ticket,” letting them skip the lines at a real American Idol audition process.

A daily finale takes place at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.

The attraction officially opens to the public on Saturday, February 14, 2009. Additionally, a very exciting press event will take place at Hollywood Studios on Thursday, February 12, 2009 for the opening of the attraction! David Cook, David Archuleta, Jason Castro, and over 25 American Idol celebrities will be appearing in a parade down Hollywood Boulevard at 4:30pm. If you’re like me and won’t be able to attend the very exciting parade, you can catch live coverage of the event over at StudiosCentral.com. They’ll have live blog from the park beginning at 4:00pm Eastern Time.

Lastly, be sure to watch (or record) a very special appearance by David Cook tomorrow (Thursday, February 12, 2009) on Good Morning America! He will be performing live from the American Idol Experience at Walt Disney World, so be sure to watch!

You can also expect to see lots of coverage from the press event and of the attraction itself as the weekend progresses. Keep an eye on AllEars.net, LaughingPlace.com, and MousePlanet.com for some reports, as those three websites seem to never fail at bringing the latest Disney news to the vast Disney community.

So remember, watch Good Morning America tomorrow, February 12, 2009, to see David Cook at Walt Disney World and log on to StudiosCentral.com at 4:00pm on February 12, 2009 to see live coverage of the American Idol parade! It’s sure to be a very exciting day.

By Blake; posted February 11, 2009. All images (C) Disney.

Click here to see part two of this article!

Apparently, the Puerto Rico auditions were a HUGE letdown, which explains why they’ve combined it with NYC for the last of the audition round shows. Upon discovering there was going to be a THIRD show this week, I got a bit frightened, especially because it would be covering two cities. Thankfully, though, tonight’s episode is only an hour long.

I guess this is an Idol first or something. They also feel the need to compare such a feet to West Side Story, because you know, they’re combining Puerto Rico and NYC.

Why not compare it to J. Lo?
Shitty Music + No Talent + Hispanic When It Wants To Be + Flaunting Toddlers For Attention = American Idol

Tonight, Idol promises us a Blonde Bimbo Plant (Kendall Beard) and some kid who will garner the teen vote until being devoured by FanFrauen forevermore once the season ends. One good thing about Idol this year was its lack of idiot blonde singers, at least in the audition rounds. Oh, and there’s nothing else I hate more about this show than Cute Dumb Blonde Country Twits. (And for the record, I’m not even one of those people who say they like “all music but country”. That’s actually kind of ignorant. I like country. I even kind of like that Taylor Swift kid. And old school country, a lot of it was damn good.) 

Randy wonders why NY doesn’t “bring the heat” he knows it has…uh, yeah. Perhaps it’s because a lot of people trying to make it big in NYC know Idol just is not the way to go for career longevity or ahem, attracting a relatively age-appropriate fanbase. Of course, after Greasy Constantine, do they even want to go back there?

Let’s pop another Percocet and get started on tonight’s fiesta-tivities.

Audition #1
Adeola Adegokie (Age 18)

You know when someone starts by telling you people compare them to Mariah Carey, they’re gonna suck eggs. Rotten eggs. She also had to add she is the “the whole package” and that she quit her job because she knows she’s going to Hollywood. Oh, Adeola. Why oh why did you quit your job in this economy? I’m kind of sad because Adeola seems cute and pleasant enough, too, but you already know she’s gonna blow. And whoa does she. Adeola sounds like a dying dog. And Adeola is really telling them she is not going. Simon offers to call her boss to get her job back. Oh Jesus. The poor girl’s entire family was there. And Ryan is calling Adi’s boss (On an iPhone. Obviously).

Awww, I am kind of touched Simon is sitting on the stairs with this girl and calling her boss. Because I can be a sap sometimes. Nah, it’s actually b/c I truly & honestly think Simon Cowell is awesome when it comes down to it. (Il Divo is a huge strike against the man, but anyone who thinks he’s really an asshole is an idiot.) I would love to say Adeola knows she sucks and did this all to get good screen time, but…the girl just seems so damn sincere and visibly touched. If she is acting then maybe…maybe she could have a career in the entertainment industry without singing a note.

And before you can blink away your tears for Adeola, we’re in San Juan! And of course, Livin’ La Vida Loca is playing! 

Audition #2
Jorge Nunez (Age 20)

Like any reluctant watcher of this shit show who has become all to familiar with the insane activities of batshit crazy Idol fans, I look at any male contender with the sole purpose of gauging their FanFrauen Potential Meter. Jorge could be a lock for all those women who don’t have the balls to become proper sex tourists when their plus-sized bodies give way to the first strains of menopause. In the throws of that first hot flash, an unsightly, coarse hair appears on a double chin as she sits on her sofa partaking in America’s top-rated TV show. At that moment, she sees a nearly post-pubescent young man on the screen. She frantically chews her ice cube as her eyes grow big, all the while thinking, this kid is something oh-so special. And another Frau is born. 

Anyway, let’s get back to Jorge. Props for actually singing in Spanish! (Not like that faux-proud Latina from Tuesday night, Julissa Veloz, or even Stoner J, whom my sources tell me can’t actually SPEAK Spanish. Although at this point, I highly doubt being bilingual was something his family encouraged.) Jorge is pretty theatrical in his singing, but there is no denying the kid can sing. Simon rips on Middle America and says they came to Puerto Rico to find someone who sings with an accent. Love you, Simon. Randy calls him a brilliant dawg or something. Paula compares him to Marc Anthony. I’m pretty sure Jorge’s boyfriend was standing out front waiting for him and not because his singing was “theatrical”. Not at all. It was more because it looked as if he was about to kiss him but then hesitated for a moment before hugging him. These guys are smart and they see the cameras. Because it’s not like you can, you know, be openly gay and be on American Idol!

I like Jorge. Wow. Tonight I am just all sorts of nice and sappy. Oh Jesus. They show Cute Dumb Country Blonde again before the commercial. Here we go with the over-the-top pimping.

Audition #3
Jessika Baier (Age 20)

Baier comes with her own pink-clad Frauen. We also learn she wins a lot of singing contests. And won The Most Beautiful Baby in America competition when she was, you know, a baby. Unfortunately, she probably doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell b/c she’s kind of a heavy girl. Idol only takes heavy girls if they’re black. Duh. Everyone knows this. Simon hates her, obviously. He says she is absolutely awful. She’s really not that bad. OMG. She starts stomping her feet in protest. Simon just dislikes her because she is fat. She keeps saying she is nervous and begs. Paula steps in and tells her it was borderline shrilling. Oh come on. She was better than Katrini Bikini. 

Now we see others who were turned away and are in tears. Of course, a lot of these are probably the people who could actually kind of sing. 

Audition #4
Melinda Camile  (Age 21)

I kind of like this Alex Wek-ish chick for some reason. She’s funky. Oh, I just like her name and her crazy corner dancing. She also comes in barefoot and has a lovely smile. She wants to uplift humanity be a part of a universal shift, as well as join a nudist colony. She would like to be naked if all of them were also nude. Oh, and Melinda is going to sing Nina Simone’s Feeling Good. I love Melinda Camile. And she can sing. Although one wrong turn in that pink halter sundress and it would have been Idol Nipplegate. Oh well. She already said she loves being nude. They all like her and her sunny disposition. Kara calls her a “vitamin boost”. 

Oh, the commercial break promises drama and Paula tells a black kid with a fun afro she loves him. She soooooo has a type. And then they return and Seacrest is acting kind of toolish in the waiting area. Go figure.

Audition #5
Jackie Tohn (Age 27)

From the outset, Jackie seems kind of cool. And she plays blues guitar. I want to like her but I worry she is a plant. Although she has shades of Chile…wait, her occupation is listed as actress/singer and she sings Jason Mraz. I’m totally not sold, even though she came into the audition room with a strut I haven’t seen since Nancy McKeon embodied the incredible JoAnne Polnachek. And while performing, I wonder if she’s the love child of Stoner J and Sheryl Crow. Hmmm…Not sold. Even if she technically brings something different to the table and is 100% more likable than the irritating Brooke White and wears an out-of-place cameo broach which somehow works in a very odd way with her diagonally-striped boob shirt. Simon wants to hear her normal singing voice. Interesting. The girl does have range. OH NO. THE SKY IS FALLING. Wait. I lied. It’s just the windows, but they threaten to endanger the judges! OH NO IDOL DRAMA & DANGER OH MY! It wasn’t even the windows. It was just some tinted plastic shit. 

Why is Seacrest narrating this shit like the judges are in 2 places at once? Really. Is there a point? Its rather irritating. Then they play Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game while showing a bunch of people who suck. Including the Greasy Constantine wannabe, who I think shows up later and makes it to the next round. Which is completely obvious because they show him sitting on rocks playing his guitar while acting all sensitive. Yawn. And frankly, gross. Looking at that guy already makes my crotch itch.

Audition #6
Kate Cassidy

Oh how sweet. Some plump blond girl is yelling The Weather Girls’ It’s Raining Men and borderline contorting herself. I think she probably got a hernia after such nonsense. And logically, a large girl singing a classic gay club anthem leads us to tonight’s…

GAY MEN ARE FREAKISHLY WEIRD BEINGS WHO YOU SHOULD NEVER PROVOKE
IF YOU SEE ONE ON THE STREET

Audition #7
Carlos Stanos (Age 21)

Ah, we begun this segment with a Fag Hag and have apparently now entered the Gay Men Are Freakishly Weird portion of tonight’s Idol. It’s been mysteriously absent this week, but I didn’t have any high hopes for  anyone out of the closet showing up in the land of mountains and Mormons. I feel bad b/c I look at Stanos and think, wow, he could do an awesome Halloween costume this year and go as Mickey Rourke.

Audition #8
Antyon Smith

Ah yes, another “dancer”. Antyon is so obviously not on the “down low” and he moves around a lot so it is obvious the producers would add him to this segment. Because the American public needs to know gay men are all scary diva wannabes who are freakishly weird and dance and sing all the time if you do not muzzle them, stone them, or send them to a reconditioning camp. Because all of this worked for Teddy Haggard, right? Whatever, Idol. Antyon does a mean-ass snake.

Audition #9
Jasmine James

Ah, yes…to transition out of tonight’s fairly quick Gay Men Are Freaks portion of the show, let’s show a weird plump black girl wearing yellow because she also kind of dances. She does that step & clap stuff favored by African-American fraternities and sororities. I accidently crashed one of their parties in college once. It was rather funny because I swear you heard the record skid to a screeching halt and 100 people in the gym turned around and looked at the two really white drunk swim team kids walk in cluelessly.  

Audition #10
Mike Perlman (Age 25)

Ah, here’s the “hair metal” guy Seacrest was dancing with. Perlman is from Boston and I think he looks familiar, but its probably b/c under his costume store wig lies a very common male face. Perlman is an actor/writer, so obviously, you know why he “auditioned”. And how cute, that Darkness song is used in his acting reel. I think he dresses like Brody Jenner for other characters, at least when at The Phoenix Landing in Cambridge’s Central Square. And he has hair metal wigs in several colors. Anyway, he goes into the audition and doesn’t even sing. He just plays his ghetto blaster and mimes? But good for him. He got to dance with Seacrest.

Audition #11
Joel Contreras (Age 23) 

Ah yes, and it all leads up to Joel, a self-proclaimed “Crazy Rocker” who basically does tired Jackass stunts outside Payless Shoe Stores and yells at ice cream vendors on the streets of San Juan. Most likely another actor/comedian looking for a bit of exposure. Although a small tinge of me kind of appreciates him walking in the audition room as an iPod because I logically think of this as satirical wink at the sponsorship lunacy that is American Idol. But the rest of me finds it incredibly lame. Now he is a self-proclaimed “Human iPod” and sings Mr. Big’s Be With You before doing another song and acting out another and then bringing out his lion puppet. He then emerges in a homemade superhero costume yelling “I GOT A KNOW” before doing flips into the hotel pool. For some reason, I think this guy is kind of like the Naked Cowboy of San Juan.

Audition #12
Nick “Norman Gentle” Mitchell  (Age 27)

This guy looks interesting, with is retro glasses, shimmering shirt and scarlet red sweatband. He also looks kind of like Greg Kinnear in an odd way. Ah, this must be another one of these actor/writer/comedian types, right? You can’t put one over on me! But he’s totally gay and is faking a crush on Ryan Seacrest so he’s actually already kind of funny and goes by the name Norman Gentle. He scares Seacrest and earns Simon’s hatred as soon as walking in the room. He sings Dreamgirls, Simon bashes him and then he counters with gay jokes about Simon and Seacrest, which Simon likes. But he hates “gaspy Cabaret singers” and wants Norman Gentle to stop being funny. Then he gets “serious” and starts singing Amazing Grace and is actually kind of good until he breaks into more “stupid faces”. Paula says yes. Kara says yes. They think he’s hilarious. Simon says no. Randy says yes! Norman Gentle is going to Hollywood just because he is entertaining. I wish they would have done the same for my beloved Gollum.

Audition #13
Ashley Hollister (Age 21)

Kind of interesting voice on kind of a butterface girl. She’s a receptionist at a hair salon and lives in Jersey, which I suspect may be why she kind of has bridge & tunnel hair. But then her voice gets real annoying towards the end of her very short audition. She probably gets cut early during the next round.

Audition #14
Kenny Hoffpauer (Age 16)

My FanFrauen Potential Meter has kicked into overdrive as soon as this fresh-faced pup takes the tiny stage. And what a fantastic name. His Frauen are already calling themselves Hoff’s Powers, I bet. Idol wants to tap into that Jonas Brothers market while its hot, which is why the Eunuch was pimped out so damn much last season. This kid sings Jason Mraz, so you know, he’s LIKABLE! Little girls will love him until he’s booted. FanFrauen will adore him for years after. And the sick cycle begins once more. I wonder if he has scary stage parents who are already fielding designs for the beloved “merch”. I bet they have two merch tables ready to go in their basement. 

Audition #15
Kendall Beard (Age 21)

PLANT ALERT! PLANT ALERT! PLANT ALERT! I already hate Kendall Beard so it doesn’t matter what her voice sounds like. Your quintessential Cute Dumb Country Blonde, Beard has nasty hair partially held back with a tacky white headband and shows off her French Manicure to indicate heartfelt emotion when the lyrics call for it. Did they edit it to make it seem as she got through that quickly? Or not. Because you know, she is a plant, so…

Then we see a bunch of other people that made it, including several cool black people. I’m wondering if Idol wants to bring cool black people on this year because hello? Did you notice? Being black is cool! Idol wants to tap into what is popular and since we elected Obama, they so want to catch some of that black-tion. This year, we’re going to have real-live Hispanics and real-life black people! And I was pretty disgusted at last year’s utter lack of diversity. (And I still miss Nadia Turner. Really, Idol, was Coretta Scott Mercado the best you could do last season?) 

Once again, the Asian contingency is sadly not represented. Anyway, they keep showing these happy people who are going to Hollywood and some scary ass dude who must be on roids makes me jump a tiny bit when he bounds onto the screen and yells like he just won the big game and is celebrating in the locker room showers. For some reason, this show isn’t over yet and we’re promised season 8’s “cutest and rudest” contestants yet. Yawn.

Audition #16
Nicole Laraway (Age 24)

Not good. NEXT! Can we hurry this damn thing up already?

Audition #17
Mark Granata (Age 26)

For some reason, Granata was not included in the Gay Men Are Freaks portion of tonight’s show. What were the producers thinking? He’s also a group home counselor. LOVE IT.  I love how his belly button peaks out because he’s deliberately left the last button of his corduroy vest open to amplify the sex appeal. He also has very white teeth.

Audition #18
Michael Sconiers

He screeches. But he makes some great faces. With 16 minutes left and 18 auditions down, I think Idol is trying to overpack this final audition round episode. 

Audition #19
Monique Garcia Torres (Age 16)

Christopher , Monique’s cute-as-a-button 9-year-old brother (I at first thought it was her kid) is just too adorable. Even I’m kind of taken aback, but obviously, I suspect he is a sinister little imp not unlike Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son. Because how can you trust someone so aw-shucks cute? Christopher tells Simon, “I think you’ll love it” when he asks if his sister is any good. By the time this show ends, Christopher Garcia Torres will already have an agent. They’re gonna bring back Mikey Likes It because of this kid, I just know it. There is more cute banter. Monique sings You Can’t Hurry Love well enough. She is a likable teenager. I already want her to cage fight Taylor Zuckermann during the Hollywood round. They’re being kind of hard on her, saying she needs her brother’s confidence. The judges are divided. Here is one of the few times I’ve seen Simon act as the “tie breaker” this season, perhaps the first? Everything blends together at this point.

See! Simon is a big old softie when it comes down to it. He lets her through. And her brother probably already has an agent. I want him to cagefight Crying Girl.

Audition #20
Alexis Cohen (Age 24)

I guess this chick tried out last season when she was a glitter-laden angry meth head. Supposedly she has now found Buddha. So she’s just wearing a glitter dress. And we already saw her flip Simon off again in the previews before a commercial break. But I still think she’s a meth head because she’s about 75 pounds. Or maybe she just doesn’t eat. She butchers Madonna’s best song ever (Like A Prayer. Obviously.) Simon still thinks she is horrendous. Kara says she was better when she was “being her”. She gives them all the finger. But smiles while doing it. I wonder if we’ll see her again next year. Ah, she has 1000s of people across the nation supporting her. 

Audition #21
Patricia Lewis Roman (Age 20)

The last contestant. Yay. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster. Her family has a painting of her they’ve got in the lobby. They are also playing the drums. Patricia has a fine voice, however, she sings Whitney Houston’s (I Wanna Dance) With Somebody Who Loves Me. Why do these idiots insist on singing Whitney Houston? Haven’t they seen this show? Roman fairs better when she sings a song in Spanish. Obviously she gets through. Paula says No. I’m not really sure why she says No, I think its just because she felt like being relevant. 

Now everyone is dancing. 9 people are going to Hollywood from Puerto Rico. They stage a shot of them running into the ocean with their damned golden tickets. Just like they made the 26 people who made it from NYC get on a boat and wave theirs around. Alas. This nonsense is over and we see more previews from the most INTENSE HOLLYWOOD WEEK EVER. 

That was exhausting. No really. I think this show may be akin to water boarding.

Tonight is the night of Joanna Pacitti, aka, Joplanta — THE BIGGEST PLANT IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN IDOL.

Tonight’s show starts out with some southern music, some crowd shots (Seriously, do white girls wearing similar dresses with similar oversized hats really help give the Southern U.S. a better reputation? Save that shit for Derby Weekend.), previews of the evening’s “talent” (JOPLANTA!) and other mindless drivel as narrated by Ryan Seacrest, aka The Anderson Cooper for those who ride the short bus.

Oh how cute. They’re auditioning at Churchill Downs.

DAY 1 in Louisville

Audition #1
Tiffany Shedd (Age 18 )

I think higher education is one of the best things a person can do for themselves, but I wonder what college this chick could get it to if her audition doesn’t work out. She looks like the chick in a brothel, circa 1962 who was forced to take clients underneath the front porch. Even the most unfashionable of drag queens wouldn’t take makeup advice from this chickadee. And of course, SHE SUCKS. She is making noises I have only ever before heard come from colostomy bags. Wow. Parents really need to start being more honest with their children rather than continuously feed them “positive reinforcements”. 

Audition #2
Joanna Pacitti (Age 23)

Oh come on. I love how her “mother” rehearsed that bit. Oh, she is crying. Why aren’t they bringing up how she was chosen to be Annie and then unceremoniously booted? Oh and look, Kara even admits to knowing her when she was on A&M records. Ha. Idol thinks if they admit to these contestants formerly having contracts, they’re totally in the clear. Ha. Ha. Ha. OMG. Her occupation is listed as UNEMPLOYED. If she is unemployed, why is she writing songs that show up on Britney Spears’ CDs? I’m sure she’s getting a regular check for that gig, or even the original songs she performed that appeared on the Bratz and Legally Blonde 2 soundtracks. I hate this bitch. I hate her fake tears. Listen, Joanna, you’ve failed this many times, no one wants you. American Idol is your last shot at the fame you’ve been so desperately chasing since you were a kid. You are pathetic. Quit this unconfident crap, Joplanta, and your fake little tears. And Idol, stop playing the triumphant Avril Lavigne song in the background.  Joanna Pacitti should be ineligible for this competition. She makes all the other plants look like tiny seedlings deprived of water. 

Audition #3
Mark Mudd (Age 25)

A storied family history involving John Wilkes Boothe AND a bolo tie. You already know this is not going anywhere good. He gets booted. Simon accuses Mudd of threatening them with his farewell of Be careful in whatever you do. Oh such drama.

Audition #4
Brent Keith Smith (Age 28)

This meathead in a Seacrest hand-me-down T-shirt is going to sing Bad Company’s Can’t Get Enough of Your Loving. Not everyone knows Bad Company actually had other songs that were not named after their band. (I still don’t why a band would sing a song also titled with the same name of the band but anyway…) This meathead is BRENT KEITH SMITH! Another one of this season’s infamous plants. Brent Keith Smith finished in 6th place on Nashville Star a few years ago and has done a bunch of other crap, including having a song featured on a film soundtrack. Frauen are gonna eat Brent Keith Smith up, I guarantee it. His Hicks-ian movements will be excused because of his conventional blond hair and blue-eyed All-American boy looks. Kara acts as if she just experienced the highest in carnal delights when gave him his ticket to Hollywood. Oh, these plants are boring me.

Audition #5 
Irene Angueloba (Age 28)

More bad polka dots. What the hell is that? And it sure as hell can’t be 28. And come on. She’s a “Toothbrush Company Employee”. This is all just a really stupid joke. Send it back to her trailer with a pack of GPCs and a bottle of Gordon’s Gin.

Audition #6
Obianuju Omwuraj (Age 19)
It squeaked. She reminded me of the intended bride for Eddie Murphy’s Prince Akeem in Coming To America. No wonder he wanted to go to Queens and work at MacDowell’s.  

Auditon #7
Will Heuser (Age 20)

Oh, here’s the guy who made a bet with his buddies to see if he could get on TV during the Idol audition rounds. Was the bet for a bottle of Maker’s Mark or a half-ounce of week? We will never know..but I bet he gets to use the clip on his cable access variety show.

THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE YOU ARE TOLD ECCENTRIC GAY MEN ARE BAD BAD BAD!!!

Have you noticed how predictable Idol is? Halfway through each ep, we get 2-3 flaming homosexuals belting out diva songs or dressing in whacked out costumes. These are grouped together because hey, American Idol is a family show the kids at home need to know gay people are weird and different and you should stay away from them or else they will TURN YOU GAY!!!

Audition #8
Ryan Benningfield (Age 23)

Ryan doing another tired channeling of 80s attire with his riveted, neon pink belt and “quirky” mask topped off with a faux-fur zebra vest. How sweet. You spent $150 at Hot Topic for your audition (including the glitter and face paint). He sings about a zebra. Oh, I so feel for these gay kids in Kentucky.

Audition #9
Patrick Warren (Age 28)

Patrick’s occupation is “Ice Cream Server” which is probably made-up and just a clear jab at him b/c you know, he’s like, overweight. He wears a t-shirt that says Patrick. He wears a fedora. He sings Billie Jean. He is probably completely harmless, but $10 says Dateline’s Chris Hansen is already organizing a sting on this poor guy. 

GAY MEN ARE FREAKS SECTION CONCLUDES. NOW LETS SHOW YOU SOMEONE “NORMAL” AND GOOOOOOD BECAUSE HE PLAYS DUELING PIANOS AND HAS A GIRLFRIEND WHO IS SITTING WITH HIM IN THE WAITING ROOM

Audition #10
Matt Giraud (Age 23)

The only version I have ever liked of this, ironically, was Bo Bice’s cover of it during Season 4. The ladies think Matt is unique. Matt reminds Simon of Elliott, and then proceeds to tell him he doesn’t believe in himself. Randy just jumps in to say some stupid ass Randy catchphrase, like “get yo’ swag on”. Which makes no sense. Does he want him to go scam for free shit? (Hmmm…this puts much of last season’s Tour antics in perspective). Blah blah blah. Next.

Audition #11
Ross Plavsic (Age 26)

Another one of ‘em “genius” boys that have been popping up this year. Plavsic is singing Cara Mia but it sounds like a death march sung by those who are already half dead.  Horny Kara wants him to take off his tie. That was boring. Now Paula is all getting freaked out about Plavsic using her straw and cup. Yawn. Like she didn’t catch anything when she was carousing around with MC Scat Cat.

(Wait. How am I only HALFWAY through this show???) Now we see annoying recap of those we already know who have made it. And I guess we’re moving onto Day 2….I hate this show so damn much.)

DAY 2 in Louisville

Church hats go well on Randy Jackson

Audition #1
Alexis Grace (Age 20)

I don’t need to hear her sing, but I know I already hate this chick. She’s a 21-year-old stay-at-home mom with a too-perfect little name. Oh. Like that’s a good thing? Yes, yes, that whole Abstinence Only Eduction plan did a lot for public schools, didn’t it?  So let me guess…she got pregnant, had her kid and said bye-bye to her hopes and dreams. (Unpauses Tivo) YES! And cue to the photo of the toddler’s father who is, you guessed it, in military school. And her daughter is a “gift from god”. All the while Marc Cohn’s Walking in Memphis plays in the background. Sigh. Yes, different voice from what I expected, but I don’t know…how long can she keep those notes up? Is she gimmicky? Meh. Who knows. Who cares. Paula told her she loved her. Randy feels slighted. Lots of congratulations, Horny Kara says something about making love…

(At this rate, Kara DioGuardi is going to be the Air Force Amy of American Idol.)

And after the Ford Cola served in an Hotel For Dogs commercial break, Idol promises some “crazy” dude and, of course, one of those heartwarming stories. What will it be tonight, kiddies? Blindness? Lupus? Homelessness? Dead Second Cousin? Well you’re gonna have to stay tuned to find out!

Audition #2
Aaron Williamson (Age 27)

LOVE HIM! Why? Because he said he wants to me “America’s next TOP IDOL”!!! Thanks for the shoutout! Anyway, Aaron goes to sing a little CCR and the judges act as if they’ve heard tornado sirens. I think Paula is getting hot for him even he kind of just screams. Horny Kara / Air Force Amy once again mimics one of those Meg Ryan faux-gasms. He has to say good-bye. It’s okay Aaron, some stupid bastard from a past life once told me I was too intense once. I feel for ya, man.

Audition #3
Rebecca Garcia (Age 24)

Semi-Anorexic Girl from morning news. She has an odd right wrist bandage which she starts talking about was because she was feeling nervous…Simon cuts her off. I do not want to call her Semi-Anorexic Cutting Girl. She’s getting a masters in eduction and I hope this is not her preferred way to deal with stressful situations.  She sings Carrie Underwood’s song about the dude cheating. She does not open her eyes once. Ah, the band was to conceal the lyrics written on her wrist? On her application she says she was voted Most Humorous in high school. Apparently, she was not joking. Ok. Well I hope she’s not a cutter. But most of all, I hope her momma buys her a double cheeseburger.

Audition #4
Kris Allen (Age 23)

Boring bland soul shit. And he kind of conveys a Blake Lewis douchiness with that cap.

Audition #5
Felicia Barton (Age 26) 

Simon obviously thinks she is hot. Judging by some of the chicks I’ve seen get in this year, that’s often all it takes. She is pretty typical. Pretty damn dull. I’ve heard her voice a zillion times before.

Audition #6
Ryan Johnson (Age 27)

A railroad worker with David Cook-esque hair. Didn’t hear enough of his semi-soulful schtick.

Audition #7
Sheila Lawrence (Age 26) 

Kind of old school soul? Not sure. Didn’t hear enough of her. Yawn.

GET READY FOR TODAY’S HEARTWARMING AUDITION! And the winning obstacle to overcome is…POVERTY!!!

Audition #8
Leneshe Young (Age 18)

She’s singing a Leneshe original called Natty. The girl has some talent. It wasn’t a bad song whatsoever. I kind of like this girl, she’s a bit quirky and seems really sweet. I will actually agree with Kara when she said that this has been the first girl who actually seems “original”. My icy heart thaws for just a moment. Not much, but you know, it did thaw a teeny tiny bit.

Okay, my fair readers. I don’t care if you fantard over this Idol crap 365 days of the year, but please, I implore you, do whatever you can to make sure Joplanta gets sent home ASAP. Even if the show is blatantly fixed (Hello? Coretta Scott Mercado finished THIRD), you can still do your part by ensuring this chick just lives out the rest of her career as an “entertainer” for a billionaire Sultan. It will be a win-win situation, I promise.

This is (in my opinion) one of the best english songs i’ve ever listened…

It touched my heart really really deep…huhuhu

Enjoy it…

A great cover from Syesha Mercado (last year’s American Idol Top 3)

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what’s within
And I’ve been there before
But that life’s a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

If I ain’t got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I ain’t got you with me baby

Since the summer auditions, reliable Idol blogs and websites have been conducting plant watch and keeping an eye out on spoilers for the upcoming season. The ways people go about doing this have been explained to me, but I never really got into it. 

With Season 8 premiering last week, the blogs are abuzz with who potential Hollywood round and the subsequent 50 or 36 finalists may be. Sure, Idol always has plants, just look at last season, but this time, they’re out of control. 

Several years back, you may have even heard of the biggest plant in the history of Idol botany: Joanna Pacitti. This bitch was lampooned by Cheri Oteri on SNL years ago when she got booted from the Broadway cast of Annie after winning a nationwide search. Since then, she’s released an album with Geffen, had songs featured on both the Bratz and Legally Blonde 2 soundtracks, been on MTV’s True Life, dates some guy named Mark Ballas who is on Dancing With The Stars…oh, and she also wrote a song on the new Britney Spears album, Circus.

Are you frakking kidding me?

Yes. This is this country’s best undiscovered talent. 

Undiscovered talent like Brent Keith Smith / Brent Keith. MJ’s Big Blog posted a bit about this guy and he’s also a bit ridiculous. He was a contestant on season 2 of Nashville Star (a much more successful talent show than that crap I cannot recall the name of but featured Coretta Scott Mercado), has a music page on CMT and had a song featured on the soundtrack of Dale, a biopic of Dale Earnhardt. He is featured in an AI commercial with other contestants whose names have been uncovered: Alexea Lawson, Lil Rounds and Emily Wynne-Hughes.

According to VFTW, Wynne-Hughes, a “rock chick”, gets cut in Hollywood. And Lil Rounds got a standing ovation in Hollywood. Lil is also a girl named Lillian. 

John Twiford is also rumored to have made it to Hollywood. He seems like another Greasy Constantine type. Groan. But he plays an instrument, which is more than we can say for Greasy Constantine. And 5 seconds into the song featured in the clip…horrible Christian coffee shop crap. If he makes it past the Hollywood round, he will have a swarm of Frauen. But wait. So will Brent Keith John Boy Ryan Brett Smith. As we all know, if you have a penis and you’re on AI, you will have Frauen!!

Other VFTW spoilers include Adam Lambert, Felicia Barton, and Kendall Beard. Kendall Beard is already on my Hate List because I always loathe the designated “cute country blonde”. She has released an 4-track album, presumably independent (released in May), but has had some experience in playing various music festivals in and around her native Texas. I would also venture to say she’s had a visible surgical enhancement. 

And here is Jennifer “Jenisis” Samoranos, another rumored contestant, signing a tired Alicia Keys song while playing piano. Check out the rest of her YouTube. If she makes it to the Finals, she will be singing the same tired songs done so unoriginally every season (i.e., every single Coretta Scott Mercado and Ramiele Malubay performance). She also gets points off for referring to herself as “Jenisis”. Groan. Perhaps she will surprise us…but when is Idol ever surprising?

Check out the rest of the (ongoing) list at Joe’s Place. 

On the second day of the countdown, I will feature the Season 7’s Best and Worst Fashions, also from EW.com.

Best:

1. SYESHA MERCADO
Beatles Week (Top 11)

2. KADY MALLOY
’70s Week (Semifinals)

3. MICHAEL JOHNS
Dolly Parton Week

4. ASIA’H EPPERSON
’60s Week (Semifinals)

5. JASON CASTRO
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week

6. SYESHA MERCADO
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week

7. BROOKE WHITE
Andrew Lloyd Webber Week

8. DAVID COOK
Dolly Parton Week

9. CHIKEZIE
Beatles Week (Top 12)

10. CARLY SMITHSON
Dolly Parton results night

Worst:

1. RAMIELE MALUBAY
Dolly Parton Week (results show)

2. AMANDA OVERMYER
’70s Week (Semifinals)

3. DAVID ARCHULETA
Mariah Carey Week

4. ASIA’H EPPERSON
’80s Week (Semifinals)

5. PAULA ABDUL
Final 4 Results Show

6. CARLY SMITHSON
’80s Week (Semifinals)/Beatles Week (Top 11)

7. CHIKEZIE
’60s Week (Semifinals)

8. KRISTY LEE COOK
Beatles Week (Top 12)

9. ROBBIE CARRICO
’60s Week

10. BROOKE WHITE
Neil Diamond Week