No wonder Pakistan is the hotbed of terrorism:

Interestingly,

Young people’s biggest concern – far above terrorism – was inflation

This hinted the roots of terrorism. Without curing the roots, terrorism will continue to haunt the rich world.

Public education is the best return of investment (in the long term), because it empowers economy as well as stabilizing future population. The importance of education cannot be overestimated.

A symptom of mesothelioma may not appear for decades. If you think you may have been exposed to asbestos, the symptoms will not appear, and are often mistaken for common health problems, such as the flu. Its important to let your doctor if you have been exposed to. Determined X-rays and other screening procedures can endanger your health. Call today for a free evaluation in Modesto.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFF6juxqRnY&hl=en

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A symptom of mesothelioma may not appear for decades. If you think you may have been exposed to asbestos, the symptoms will not appear, and are often mistaken for common health problems, such as the flu. Its important to let your doctor if you have been exposed to. Determined X-rays and other screening procedures can endanger your health. Call today for a free evaluation in Oakland.

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The last time this happened it was for or five ears ago …. I was in visit at my sister, it was late in the night. I can’t remember whether we went in a club and we came back home … or it was just that I was very tiered. I was not hungry but I knew I had to eat something … I have mentioned a time ago that each time I feel sick I eat something and start feeling a bit better. I tried to eat something but didn’t got the chance as I lost my conscience before. I think I hit the table somehow with my back as I had a terrible bruise on my back …. my sister got very scared as I had some convulsions ….

it didn’t happened again …. even though I had the feeling of being dizzy or having head each, very often even lately …. not until now …

It was strange … usually I feel sick before … I wake up dizzy or have such a feeling … but I woke up normal. Took my laptop and went in the kitchen for the breakfast. I placed my laptop on the table and wanted to take the bread. I started getting cold … but it is not the feeling of being cold … it start’s with the hands. They get colder and colder. You feel them dry and bloodless. Then it gets to the face. You feel needles in your cheeks. They’re getting colder and colder. And also you feel them dry … like there would be no blood running into your veins. … I didn’t panicked … I usually control these kind of feelings, and manage to pass over. Some time ago I had a discussion with Budri about spasmodically. He teached me a very interesting lesson about spasmodics. When people usually have the symptoms of getting spasmodic they get panicked, which will increase the level of adrenaline into their blood and get their hart run faster, which will finally go to collapse and loosing conscience. Since this discussion I have tried to control my symptoms and I must admit it really works. I have also tried today, I stood on the chair let the bread on the table …. and then …. then I felt like I was in my bead. It was worm and comfy. I know I dreamed about something … I can’t really remember what it was about … but I know I wandered what have happened with me … whether I have dreamed that I woke up and went in the kitchen … then I realized I was laying on the kitchen’s floor … the chair was down also … I had a taste of blood in my mouth … I didn’t knew what have happened … I couldn’t realize what was going on … then I remembered I felt sick, and the symptoms I had before … I started making sens about what have happened to me … I wanted to get up, but I couldn’t … the second part of the crisis was about to start …. I stood there as the convulsions shake my body … I felt cold … as the floor was cold … I was trembling … Soon after the convulsions … the sensation of not being able to control my body passed … I was able to get up, but still had to sit in order to get in touch with the real world. I realized then that it was one of my lips that was bleeding not my nose as I thought. I eat a banana – for the sweets, as usually these crisis are because of lack of sweets/ sugar into the blood … I started feeling a bit better … and was able to get to the bathroom … I looked into the mirror … I saw my face dirty with blood … my lip in broken and still bleeding … an ugly bruise under the right eye … still humanly acceptable … I look like after a bad fight with my boyfriend … if I had one … so I can justify …. I washed my face … still couldn’t wash it very good as I still felt dizzy and thought it would be much better to go in to the bead. I reached my comfy bead … and tried to put myself together …. still had the bad head each …. and felt my bones heavy …

I stood a couple of minutes in my bead …. couldn’t do anything … just thought what should I do next … I feel much better now … I have cleaned the blood into the kitchen, and eat something. I still feel dehydrated … like there would be no blood running into my veins … I feel my skin dry … I can’t think which could have been the cause of this crisis … I haven’t felt bad … for a long time … I had a terrible head each yesterday … but it was nothing unusual about that ….

It came to my mind … something foolish and strange … when I touched my skin … and felt it very dry … it came to my mind that is feels like the skin of a dead man … the skin of my past uncle … it came to my mind the fact that last night I felt the smell of my past uncle …

There are times when I catch myself being unreasonable, critical and judging of others I’d originally set out to help!

This of course blocks compassion, and also happens to make me feel pretty s&%t inside ..

Talking to others, I know that this is a common experience.

So the question is – why do we do this?

There are probably lots of possible reasons, and many of them, I’m sure, on the surface would be quite easy to justify! It could, for example, be that criticising allows us to feel safe, or ‘right’, or ‘better’ – or that it distracts us from our own uncomfortable truths.

However, whatever the reason, the fact is that when we do this, the benefits are temporary at best, and of no lasting use to anyone. Our relationships suffer because we’re not able to relate to the other person in a way that brings peace of mind.

Something I find helpful to remind myself of is that whatever my intention in a conversation – unless the goal is to ultimately bring peace of mind for both of us, then my presence is futile.

So when we get stuck in judgement, what can we do about it?

Well there are several attitudes that I’ve found can really help.

Here, for me, are the current top ten attitudes that are useful for guiding me out of judgement.

Please use the comments box below, if you have any more to add!

1. I ask myself is this person coming from a place/attitude of love, or of fear (calling out for love)?

2. Am I being judgemental for the reason I think I am? Are they the cause of my upset, or is it (more likely) something from my own past?

3. Might what they’re talking about unconsciously be the symptom of something deeper, from their past? (They can heal the past only by healing the present)

4. I project my perception. What I object to, reflects my internal world. So what am I projecting?

5. If I were to ‘lighten up’ a little, what would I think, say, and do? What would be my physiology? What would I see, hear, and feel?

6. My job is simply to acknowledge. One way I can do this is to reflect back, using their same words; not interpreting, – so that the person I’m supporting can then hear their own emerging wisdom. It is certainly not my job to embellish what they say with my own thoughts!

7. The questions I don’t want to ask, (as I don’t have the answers) – are the most helpful. Questions are more useful than answers.

8. There is no good or bad in this conversation – only useful or not useful (for joining us together in peace of mind).

9. What would the innocent, childlike, unreasonably curious part of me want for this other person?

10. Can I be curious (bringing together) and judgemental (pushing apart) at the same time? Which do I choose in this moment?

These are themes that I’ll come back to in future posts. Several here are adapted from the principles found in Attitudinal Healing, developed by Jerry Jampolsky, and inspired by A Course in Miracles.

And the relevance of the dog? None except that I love Springers, and this one looks quite curious!

]]> http://puzzlepeeces.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/focusing/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:38:00 +0000 puzzlepeeces http://puzzlepeeces.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/focusing/

Since I’m only in the first trimester, I feel like this pregnancy should be backgrounded in everything I do. In fact, I should not only be focused on work, I should be putting in double effort because all too soon I will have to tell my bosses, and then there will be the brain fog of the third trimester, and then maternity leave of some sort. (At work, I am not under a contract and as far as I understand, my bosses’ could let me go whenever they want – though presumbly with at least 3 months notice or so.) I really thought that when I got pregnant, I would instantly snap into overdrive.

But instead, two things have happened. One is that I’ve been really focused on this pregnancy, wanting to read about it (e.g., I’m rereading the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy) and finding myself thinking about it all the time. And I don’t know if this is nesting already, but the state of our apartment fills me with anxiety – it’s a mess now and I can only imagine how out of control it will be when this baby gets here, even though it’s still months and months away. So I’ve been trying to clean, but of course, when I clean one area, I usually just make another one messy.

The other thing that has happened is that I’ve been feeling some fatigue and nausea. It’s not enough for me to be outright sick, but it’s enough that I feel a little draggy, I want to watch tv when I get home instead of rushing around making dinner, and I keep going to bed a little early. And my digestion system has really slowed down, making me always feel a bit uncomfortable and slightly nauseous. I wouldn’t say I’m bothered by certain foods, but I am a lot less interested in food than I was last time. Last night I made macaroni and cheese for dinner and just couldn’t bring myself to eat any of it myself. Instead, lately I’ve been on an egg kick. But I supposed that just for general health reasons alone I probably shouldn’t keep eating two eggs over easy on toast for breakfast and dinner!

The idea that I should be doubling my efforts at work is still with me, but instead of acting on it I’ve just been feeling slightly guilty and anxious about it. I also feel a little bit like I’m waiting for this tired queasiness to pass. Of course, that is unrealistic thinking. Just because I feel a little under the weather and normally that would pass within a few days at most, this is quite likely to continue for at least two more months. So I think what I need to do is find a good balance between rest and work. When I’m at work, I can’t work slowly just because I’m a little tired. I need to push through and get as much done as I can, knowing that I can relax at home. (I actually should be working at home as well (because my job is one that isn’t really supposed to be done in only 40 hours a week), but for the sake of balance, I probably can get away with resting in the evening if it helps me be more productive during the day.

(Of course, I’m talking like I don’t already have a child who requires time and energy!)

But today is my day home with my son. This is in part to avoid paying child-care every single work day and also in part to give me a day home with him so I don’t have to go five days in a row without spending time with him other than in the evenings (half of which I’m supposed to be working). So I’m going to spend the rest of today reading with him, playing with him, making lunch, cleaning, etc.

Also, I have my first prenatal appointment today. My doctor says there won’t be an exam, so I’m guessing it’s just filling out some paperwork, figuring out the due date, and getting the swine flu shot (they have only 20 doses left in their office, reserved for pregnant women!). But who knows, maybe something more exciting will happen. (I’m secretly hoping to hear a heartbeat.)

This Blog comes after reading several of my friends (Thanks Lou-Lou, you are inspiring, lol) Profile Status’s on Facebook!

I have seen it so many times and it simply irritates me. There is however a simple rule to follow – If you are already logged in – FACEBOOK should never ask you for your password a second time, unless you have just cleaned up your temporary internet files.

Have a look at this status – it belongs to a friend -

As you can see – The hack is an old one – you receive what appears to be a ’safe’ message from a friend on Face-book and you click on the link – The link takes you to what looks like an ‘Official’ Facebook log-in screen ! Like this -

The thing to look out for is in the ADDRESS BAR ! If it is a Real Log-in Page – the address will begin with http://www.facebook.com

If the address in the bar is different then its not an official log-in screen and you should write down the address in the Address-Bar and send it on to me – I will be glad to run an I.P. Search and try to trace the origins.

Welcome to Facebook! | Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/index.php?lh=4a5e55d9602759f21f71f4b54af1de03&

Screen clipping taken: 02/11/2009, 18:56

Welcome to Facebook! | Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/index.php?lh=4a5e55d9602759f21f71f4b54af1de03&

Screen clipping taken: 02/11/2009, 18:53

Facebook | Cliff O’Sullivan Has your hard-drive packed up? Is it fixable? Have you lost your data? Contact me now!: http://wp.me/pq7FU-3j

Screen clipping taken: 02/11/2009, 18:47

I think I have a new pregnancy symptom to report. It’s pretty minor as pregnancy-complaints go, but it’s been hanging around for a couple of days now so I think it’s the real deal.

My stomach has been aching and gassy for a couple of days now and it doesn’t really seem to matter what I eat. Just now I let out an actual burp – something I never do! I was reading last night in What to Expect that progesterone causes your muscles to relax and that can slow digestion, so maybe that’s what’s going on. Whatever it is, it’s kind of uncomfortable and I’m hoping it passes.

Updated an hour later: Uh oh, now I feel really tired too.

Ethical considerations are very important in the design, practice, and reporting of scientific research.

However, I think there is something else behind the need for a document like the APA’s extensive manual.  A quote from the Tao Teh Ching will help to illustrate this:

Chapter 18
When the great Dao is lost to sight,
codes of goodness and morality appear.
When cleverness and shrewdness are produced,
massive hypocrisy appears.
When family relationships lose natural harmony,
“filial piety” and “devoted parenthood” arise.
When there is strife and anarchy within the state,
“loyal patriots” abound.
(trans. Chilcott, 2009).

I don’t think that a manual like the APA’s points, necessarily, to rampant unethical behavior.  As one of my graduate professors pointed out, ethical “breaches” are reportedly around 1-2%.  But the manual does point to something, which is the issue related to the field of kinesiology, and ethics in science that I’d like to address here.

It is the habit we have gotten into as scientists of investigating symptoms, instead of causes.

The first example that comes to mind is that of modern gait research.  Modern gait research studies the human foot in a shoe.  However, “The human foot was anatomically modern, and therefore fully functional for bipedal walking and endurance running, more than 100,000 years ago” (D’Aout, et al., 2009, pg. 103).  The use of footwear in general has only been seen in the fossil record as early as 30,000 years ago (Trinkaus, 2005, pg. 1516).  Habitual use of the type of rigid footwear in vogue in our current culture extends back to the 17th century – and at that time was seen mostly in wealthy, or aristocratic populations.  Widespread use of rigid footwear by a majority of Western Europeans probably began only around the time of industrialization – about 150 years ago.

As reported in D’Aout, et al. (2009) – “Habitually shod Indians wear less often, and less constricting shoes than Western people.  Yet, we found significant differences with their habitually barefoot peers, both in foot shape and in pressure distribution” (D’Aout, et al., pg. 104).  This shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Modifications of tissue morphology following the use of a plaster cast are well known to anyone who has ever had to wear one.  Modern footwear, or even sandals (as shown by D’Aout), alters truly normal (as opposed to an “observed” or “cultural normal”) foot kinematics in much the same way as a plaster cast.

In Western European culture (or those of Western European descent), which have generated the majority of gait research in the past 100 years, the large majority of research has been on individuals who habitually wear shoes.

Can we safely say, then, after 100 years of research, that we truly have a good understanding of normal human gait (as in “physiologically normal” – concerning the human animal as a species that has existed without footwear for roughly 100,000 years)?

Further, if, as Booth and Laye point out, it is true “that removal of 8500 steps (dropping from ~10,000 to ~1500) in the absence of a structured exercise program for two weeks results in abnormal physiological changes in healthy young men” (Booth and Laye, 2009, pg. 2), and we have not noted the daily activity levels of participants in gait research studies, can we claim to have studied “physiologically normal” human gait at all (with or without shoes)?!

First, we are studying an abnormal population in terms of morphology and kinematics, due to the use of footwear (both the restrictive effect of footwear on truly normal movement of the foot, and the accompanying loss of tissue tonus and function accompanying that loss of normal movement).  Then, we are studying a potentially (in terms of gross physiology) abnormal population (in terms of evolutionary history of the animal) due to lack of sufficient movement in general, and the accompanying loss of proprioception and tissue strength/tonus.

When we then begin to recommend “orthotic inserts” as solutions to musculoskeletal or movement impairments, based on those studies of “normal” human gait, are we treating the problem(s) itself (or themselves – namely, lack of physiologically-normal movement, both in quality and quantity), or are we treating the symptom of the problem (i.e., dysfunction caused by lack of physiologically-normal, not culturally-normal, movement)?

What are the ethical implications of pursuing science in this manner?  And shouldn’t the discussion and resolution of this ethical issue precede the practice of designing, performing, and reporting scientific research?

Booth, F.W., Laye, M.J.  (2009).  Lack of adequate appreciation of physical exercise’s complexitiescan pre-empt appropriate design and interpretation in scientific discovery.  Journal of Physiology, Ahead of Print.

Chilcott, T.  (2009).  Daode Jing.  http://www.tclt.org.uk/translations.html

D’Aout, K., Pataky, T.C., De Ciercq, D., & Aerts, P.  (2009).  Plantar pressures in habitually barefoot walkers.  Footwear Science, 1(1), pp. 103-105.

Trinkaus, E.  (2005).  Anatomical evidence for the antiquity of human footwear use.  Journal of Archaeological Science, 32, pp. 1515-1526.

According to my What to Expect iphone app, this pregnancy is 5w5d along now. The app also says I might be feeling tired and nauseous, but so far things have been good. They have been so good that I still keep having to remind myself that I am pregnant – no sushi, no deli meats, no soft cheeses, no wine. (All things that have been offered to me in the past week.) I am not complaining.

Ibland tror jag att tröttheten inte kan bli värre. Sedan inser jag att jag haft fel.

Jag ligger på soffan med en bok utan att orka läsa, med datorn på magen utan att orka blogga. Lite huvudvärk, lite illamående.

Den vanliga rädslan: håller njurarna på att tappa sin restfunktion?

Om en dryg vecka får jag svaren på de senaste proverna.

Jag pratar med min dialyskompis som har samma sjukdom som jag. Hon mår illa hela tiden, dialysen räcker inte till, förmodligen måste hon byta till bloddialys. Jag blir så ledsen för hennes skull. Och lite orolig för min egen.

Kanske är jag ändå piggare imorgon. Jag vill tro det.

How do I get my dream job?

What would I get out of outplacement sessions at Spirit and mind ApS:
• Outplacement is a way of changing you career – maybe to another type of job sector.
• Outplacement is a way to realize new career opportunities and reviewing and getting a new perspective the way you look upon yourself, your application and CV.
• Being fired can be a starting point for outplacement sessions to find new career path-ways.
• If you are feeling stuck and that you are not getting anywhere in life outplacement can be a way of going in a different and more preferred direction.
• Stress and frustration can cloud our mind to what we want and what positions would be giving us joy and fulfilment.
• If you don’t know your skills and cannot see the possibilities in the job marked.
• If you have problems writing applications and CV’s that make you stand out and becoming unique
• Finding a job that matches your interests and intentions and that gives you energy.
• How to spot jobs and seek out unlisted/unannounced jobs and do spontaneous applications that potentially can make you go to work happy.

Imagine yourself going to work happy and being surrounded with people that respond to you in ways that you like and that is giving you energy and fulfilment. Imagine coming home still having energy and resources to enjoy your time off.

Outplacement session in Spirit and Mind ApS is based upon the narrative approach. Upon the stories we tell about our professional identities.

Spirit and Mind ApS has an introduction offer on outplacement 250 kr/hour for the first session.

If you are a student or on retirement the price is 200 kr/hour for the first session.

Following sessions are 300 kr/hour, students and people on retirement (incl. 20% discount): 240 kr/hour

Session over Skype (telephone via the computer) using web-camera is a possibility.
Using Skype and web-camera means that you can enter sessions with Spirit and Mind ApS from all over Denmark or from other locations.

You can contact us on kontakt@spiritandmind.dk or call 23397673

Click here for more information on Spirit and Mind ApS’s homepage

I’ve been down this road before; a friend that I love, whom I am powerless to help. I’ve been down this road before, and it’s not a pretty drive.

Now that my cramps and lower backache have mostly subsided a couple of days after getting the positive pregnancy test, I almost feel like I couldn’t possibly be pregnant! Forget my previous frequent certainty about being pregnant. Forget the positive tests even. Forget that we’ve told my parents and sister, my husband’s parents and siblings, and one good friend. It’s this real sense of feeling normal that makes my brain almost believe that I’m not pregnant.

But of course, I know that I am.

Besides my own two positive tests, I took a test at the doctor’s office that same day (during my son’s appointment) and it came out positive. I’m supposed to go back in a couple of weeks for him to get the second flu shot and my doctor told me to make an appointment for myself for some reason too, though I don’t remember exactly what that reason was. My first pregnancy appointment last time around consisted of little more than a confirmatory pregnancy test, a weight check, and a warm congratulations.

Of course, I do know deep down that I am pregnant.

I have a sense of calm because of it. As much as I “enjoyed” charting my bbt, I am relieved not to have to do it anymore. My husband shoots me warm glowing smiles and I know what he is thinking about. And I am happy too when thinking about the future. I feel so unsure about our work-related future, so it is nice that this is one thing that we have already set in motion and that is something really wonderful to look forward to.

And of course, being generally symptomless right now is really, really nice.

But I am not one to just sit back and enjoy my sense of peace.

For example, I am dreading the likely onset of fatigue. Last time around it didn’t hit right away, but came on slowly over the first few weeks. I was still running last time, and I was able to go out for at least a month before overwhelming exhaustion knocked me out. And then I dragged. It took me 25 minutes to walk to work instead of the usual 15 and I arrived feeling like I wanted to take my arms off because they were just so heavy and were weighing me down. At home in the evenings I cried and went to bed early. When we traveled to Brazil in the second half of my first trimester, I managed alright when I was busy with work-related things, but whenever I had a break I collapsed in tears on the bed in desperate need of a nap. I did that once on the beach at Rio too. (I am sure it looked to those around us like we were breaking up.) But maybe I won’t be so exhausted this time. I hope not considering I really need to be productive at work right now and I also have a 19-month old to chase around.

One other negative (meaning unpleasant, not as in “negative test”!) “symptom” I’ve been having is bad dreams of spotting or bleeding. This is really strange to me because I didn’t have any spotting at all last time and I honestly don’t think I’m worrying about it this time. I actually suspect that I’m having these dreams as a sort of follow up to a period dream I had two months ago. That one was the night before my period arrived and I was feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomen (like my period was about to start) and I guess that feeling made me dream about my period actually coming. So now I am also feeling pressure in my abdomen in the early mornings, though it’s simply because I have to get up and pee, and I think my brain makes sense of that feeling by imagining that it’s really my period coming (since that is what has normally been the case, month after month, ever since I was thirteen or so). Two nights ago I had a dream of spotting and so my dream self worried about a miscarriage. Last night I had a dream of real bleeding, and my dream self was sure that was a miscarriage or at least the start of one. I guess it’s a chain of events wherein my brain leads itself further and further astray – first my brain interprets abdomen pressure as my period coming and then it interprets its own interpretation as a sign of a miscarriage. Stupid brain. I guess it’s not surprising that when I worry about things while I’m awake I also have a tendency to think in circuitous and unrealistic turns. Anyway, it’s very annoying to be having these dreams because I really don’t want to worry about a possible miscarriage. I hereby order my brain to stop this right now.

But aside from the dreams, perhaps I’m generally doing so well this week because I’ve been sleeping so much at night! My husband was out of town this weekend and won’t be back until Wednesday evening, so when I’ve been putting my son to bed, I’ve just gone to sleep with him. He goes to bed very late (10 pm!), but this is early for me. And because I have late work hours, I’ve been able to sleep until 8 or 9 am every morning. I guess it would be hard to feel fatigued after all that sleep!

(Hm, maybe sleeping so long is why I have to pee so badly when I wake up and why my brain is working extra hard to interpret this new feeling? That is, besides however much extra I might have to pee anyway now that I’m pregnant.)

So here I sit in my quiet apartment, after a long night’s sleep, and with no one to disturb me. My husband is still out of town. My child is still sleeping. And I am still in my pajamas. Even better, my babysitter will be arriving in a little over an hour and I plan to work from home. (Normally I stay home with my son today, but because I would otherwise be missing out on some work time because of my husband being out of town, we agreed I could hire a babysitter for today. I didn’t tell anyone at work though because I thought I could be much more productive working at home without any work distractions! So it’s a “secret” work day, and I can work in the bedroom while hearing my son play with the babysitter. I actually can’t wait!)

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How’s your head?

The most recent ascension symptoms are happening around your head and neck. These include headaches, TMJ (jaw tension, pain and clicking), sore teeth, sore facial bones, tension, pain or a feeling of fullness (something’s in there!) in your throat, sinus congestion and painful and very crunchy neck and shoulders. Our brains are changing and there is a lot of energy transforming and moving around in our heads. It seems that our bones are being reshaped.

Another symptom that is going around is fluctuating body temperature. Most common are periods of heating up, but also possible are times when you are suddenly cold. You can feel tired but at the same time you can’t relax. And last but not least, being really, really thirsty!

I have found that forceful or deep massage/manipulation can aggravate the symptoms, even bringing on powerful headaches. What helps is gentle energy work like cranial sacral technique. The pressure seems to ease a bit if you open your mouth as wide as is comfortable and breath out forcefully while making a sound (HAAA!). If the area feels inflamed (and it probably will) then using an ice pack is beneficial. Another thing is to get lots of rest, including naps if you can. When lying down to rest or sleep, do some deep breaths (as deep as you can). Try using the Quantum Pause Breath.

1) Breathe in through your nose for a count of about 4.
2) Hold the breath in for a count of about 4.
3) Breathe out through your mouth for about a count of 4.
4) Hold the breath out for a count of about 4.

I find that this will often triggers yawns, which is a releasing of tension.

Going into the wave and using the Golden Mesh to remove what doesn’t serve you is really helpful also.

After that, let the part of you that knows what energy your body needs to flow that energy in and through your body. Notice the color or colors and imagine that color moving through your cells, then molecules, then atoms and finally joining with your waves of light.

Another good thing is to listen to music that you love. Really listen and sing or dance or just breathe with it.

Drink lots of water with a little bit of juice in it. This helps you body absorb the water. Calcium/magnesium supplements and GABA are also helpful.

We are still in a period of waiting and letting our bodies adjust to the New Energy Template. Let yourself rest as much as possible. This is not a time to push hard. Gentle, slow movement is good. Fast hard exercise is not so good. Remember, it is already done! You don’t have to hurry up and make it happen.

As I write this, I feel decidedly un-pregnant.

But all day today I was sure that I was pregnant. First, I woke up with cramps and the feeling of having to pee especially badly. Then I was so tired, even after my morning coffee. On the walk to work, I stopped at one point and said to my husband, “ugh, I’m just so tired.” I was tired most of the morning and a little lightheaded and spacey. I hudled at my desk in my fall coat, and the feeling of being warm and swaddled helped my cramps.

When I got home, my back was aching and my abdomen hurt. Eventually I figured out that I was constipated and after a trip to the bathroom I was feeling much better. But I still have what I think are gas pains – they are in my abdomen, but closer up near my stomach, and they are in my back, but slightly higher than the spots where I usually ask my husband to rub my back when I get my period.

I’m actually getting tired of this back and forth. I enjoy the moments when I’m sure I’m pregnant, and it’s only a matter of time before a pregnancy test shows it. But when I don’t feel pregnant, I just feel stupid. I wish I hadn’t said anything to my husband (who already doesn’t rely on my passing symptoms and is perfectly happy to wait for the “real” verdict). And I almost feel silly for what I’ve already said on this blog, even though the whole point of starting it was to give me an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, symptoms, and all the rest.

If I had to test right now, I don’t think I would. That’s how un-pregnant I feel right now.

And after Saturday’s negative result, I had told myself that I wouldn’t test until the following Saturday. It might have been too early and I should learn my lesson.

BUT.

My son has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and his doctor is my doctor. If I am pregnant, it would be nice to know before going so that I wouldn’t have to make a second trip one or two weeks later.

So I probably will take a test tomorrow morning. The problem is that I really, really don’t know when I ovulated. I had cramps on September 28th and that was the closest I got to mittelschmertz. But my temperature stayed pretty low for four more days, so I think that I ovulated closer to October 1 because the day after that my temperature rose consistently over the next four days and was finally over what I later established was the coverline on October 6. So if I ovulated on Oct 1 and if my luteal phase is 14 days, then tomorrow will be the day before my period is expected. But those are a lot of ifs.

I’ll let you know how it turns out.

If only this could be solved by pulling the petals off a daisy one by one.

I started out the day pregnant. (In my head of course.)

A couple of hours later, after breakfast I was feeling pretty good, so I concluded that I must not be pregnant. This feeling lasted a few hours.

In the middle of the afternoon, after a couple of hours of the tightness/pulling feeling back in my abdomen, I comment to my husband that I hope I’m pregnant because otherwise this is really annoying PMS to have to deal with. And then a couple of hours later, I broke down crying over work-(and thus life-)related stress. I spent maybe half an hour sobbing to my husband while tears ran down my face. And on top of it all, was I pregnant? Not pregnant? I had a thought – if I am pregnant, then once my period comes, all of these kinda crappy aching/tugging/crampy sensations will go away and so will my weepiness. So that’s a bright spot, right?

And now in the evening, I am back to thinking that I am definitely pregnant.

It will be nice to know for sure.

(At the same time, I’m actually a little nervous to find out. If I’m not pregnant, then how will I trust what I’m feeling in my body in the future? Of course, maybe that’s the point. If it’s really not possible to intuit when you’ve conceived, then it’s a waste of time and energy to try! And if I am pregnant, then … wow. Even though we’re planning for this, it would be really life changing. I am nervous about being pregnant again, giving birth (will I do another c-section or not?), taking care of a newborn, and raising two children together. But those are all things for another post.)

Dlaczego zawsze jest tak, że to facet końcem końców musi przepraszać swojego Pysiaczka ? I nie chodzi mi o sytuację w której faktycznie ma za co przepraszać, tylko o sytuację wręcz  odwrotnie proporcjonalną. No dlaczego ?

Dochodzi do absurdalnej i komicznej sytuacji kiedy przepraszam za to, za co poczułem się dotknięty, urażony, no po prostu obrażony. Tylko po to, aby mieć już święty spokój. Podobno to chłop żywemu nie przepuści.

I co ? Czy to są już symptomy pantoflarstwa, czy po prostu racjonalne podejście i zimne kalkulowanie co bardziej się opłaca na dłuższą metę ? Czyżbym był już taki wyrafinowany i obyty ?

Tak czy siak, co by nie było, jakby nie było, to na samym końcu i tak czuję się, jak skończony dupek i debil.

N A   M A R G I N E S I E.

Facetowi nie zależy na przeprosinach. Czy go przeprosicie, czy nie, to naprawdę ma małe znaczenie. Ważne, żebyście coś zrozumiały z tego wszystkiego.

A metoda psychologiczna na przetrzymanie nic nie daje, bo dla swojego dobra musimy pierwsi się przełamać. Niestety.

A couple of nights ago my husband commented, “you could be pregnant right now.”

He could have said this anytime in the past six months and it could have been true. (But it never was.) I surprised him this time by saying, “you know, I think I might be.” A look a cautious hope flashed across his face, but then he caught himself and with a touch of eye rolling, he asked “what, did you feel a twinge?”

The first time we tried to get pregnant, we were successful the first month, so I never experienced a two week wait and all the phantom or misinterpreted “pregnancy” symptoms that go along with it. Now as we’re trying for a second child, I spent the first two months sure I was pregnant, only to be truly surprised when my period came. After that I learned not to read so much into every twinge and cramp, learning along the way that it’s possible to have PMS symptoms unlike any I’d ever had before. Nausea, fatigue, cramping, etc. In fact, I had previously thought I didn’t get PMS symptoms at all. And maybe I didn’t before. But I do now and they are exactly the same as all the symptoms I’ve since read about on pregnancy and trying to conceive (ttc) forums. (Yes, forums, the source of all unfounded claims and hypotheses on the internet.)

After two months of sure pregnancy symptoms and the negative pregnancy tests that followed it, my attitude relaxed. I realized that just because it happened quickly the first time doesn’t mean it’s going to happen on the first or second try this time. I read that it can take couples six months on average to get pregnant, that it’s very common for it to take time to conceive a second baby even if the first pregnancy happened quickly, and I have heard anecdotes from friends about trying for several months to get pregnant a second time.

But maybe a bigger factor in my new “relaxed” attitude was that I started focusing my energies on charting my basal body temperatures (bbt). All of my Google searches seemed to end up in the same place: a forum in which women listed and compared details about their cycles. I learned that it is possible to know when you’ve ovulated (but not predict it) just by taking your temperature every morning. (I’d heard about keeping track of your temperature as a method of birth control, but I never really gave it much thought because it seemed sort of complicated and would depend on me keeping really track of my cycle and I didn’t want to have to do that. Also, I just assumed you had to take your temperature vaginally and that idea vaguely grossed me out.)

It’s been four more months since I started charting (see the last four months below) and still no baby. But yet, because I know exactly what’s going on in my cycle, I am much more relaxed about my supposed symptoms and I haven’t wasted any more pregnancy tests.

Until this month.

BBT Charts: June - September 2009

The month started out as usual. The first week I’m moaning about my period. The second week I’m making sure we’re BD-ing (I first thought it stood for “bed down”, which I thought was amusing, but apparently it stands for “baby dance”) at least every other night. The third week I’m wondering whether my thermometer is broken. Shouldn’t I have ovulated by now? The previous three months I felt a sharp pain in my right side (mittelschmertz!) so I knew when I’d ovulated, and as verification my temperature always rose immediately afterwards. Though if you look at my charts above, you’ll see that my temperature rises verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwly, so that my husband and I become frantic about how long we need to keep BD-ing for. Not that we don’t want to, but right around ovulation we try to do it more often than usual. Without going into any detail, I’ll just say that we get a bit tired.

This month I felt some cramps, but never ovulation pain and no subsequent temperature rise. Then my husband’s parents came to visit and while they were here I felt no twinges but my temperature did rise from its most recent dip back up to the coverline, and after hovering at the coverline for one more day it finally went up for real. So when did I ovulate? I have absolutely no idea. And that means that I have no idea when I’m supposed to expect my period.

So now all of the symptoms I feel in this “two week wait” (tww) are under extreme scrutiny. Is it too early for me to be feeling cramps? Or what about the twinges in my breasts? I’ve never had those as part of PMS. But then again, who knows what this month’s PMS has to offer. And what about the fact that I broke down last night, tears streaming down my face because I really, really just wanted to lay on the couch and watch tv (in fact, I’d been looking forward to doing that all day while I was at work) and my husband wanted to watch the baseball game. (The tears clinched my victory in that domestic disagreement, but I can honestly say that I did not encourage them. In fact, I spent a few minutes sobbing as discretely as I could in the kitchen hoping my husband wouldn’t think I’d totally lost all sense of perspective.) Ever since I’ve been paying attention to my PMS symptoms, I’ve learned that I do tend to get tired, emotional, and crampy in the couple of days leading up to my period. So is that what’s going on this month?

I just have this sense that this month is different. It’s like, most of the time, I’m aware of something in my abdomen. It feels heavier or achier or fuller or something, although I know these adjectives are far too strong for what I feel. I keep wanting to place a protective hand on my abdomen. Is this wishful thinking?

Last night I dreamed that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. (Last month I dreamed of my period the night before it actually came.) Although it was kind of a fractured and confused dream, the belief that I was pregnant was so real that when my alarm went off this (Saturday) morning for me to take my temperature, I almost just turned off the alarm thinking I no longer needed to take my temperature since I was pregnant after all! But I did take my temperature and it was 98.1 – definitely not my usual drop before getting my period, but of course, I could still be a week or more away from my period. I went back to sleep.

When I got up a couple of hours later, I decided that for peace of mind, I should test.

Negative.

No big surprise, right? And after I tested, I felt more heaviness, almost like cramps, almost like my period might sort of be coming. I’ve felt like this all day. In the morning, I believed the test so strongly that I interpreted my symptoms as indication that my period really was coming. But as the day has gone on and my symptoms haven’t changed at all – I still want to put a protective hand on my abdomen – I am wondering if this test is really the final word.