It’s the night before Christmas Eve and the holidays have never been easy, but right now I can’t imagine the emotions getting any worse.

Christmas tends to be an odd season anyway. You see – I’m Jewish and although I love feeling the spirit and the joys of Christmastime, sometimes it’s a very lonely time of year. Especially being a single divorcee with children out on their own, and with their own plans for the holidays.

For me, Christmas isn’t a religious holiday, but a time – a season – to spend with family, friends and loved ones. And a time to watch the awe and joy in the eyes of children.

This year I did Christmas shopping for six of my great-nieces and nephews. My nephew, Rick, converted and became Catholic during his high school years, and is having a family Christmas gathering. His (Jewish) brother, Bradford, is flying in from the east coast with his two children – including a two-year old daughter who I have never seen. Besides Bradford, Rick’s parents (my sister), and my mother, will all be there.

I rarely get to the malls very often these days, but I squeezed the shopping in at the end of a dinner/movie date on a pre-Christmas evening when Macy’s was open until midnight. (I’m beginning to wonder if that’s why Gary, my date that evening, hasn’t called me again!)

Rick’s nine year old wanted a board game for Christmas (which required a quick trip to Target with my dinner date), but I found five gorgeous outfits for all the younger ones. But the gifts weren’t from me, they were for Betty to give to her great-grandchildren. You see – I wasn’t invited to the one holiday gathering that a member of my family is making this Christmas season.

(Rick’s reasoning is mentioned here: http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/disowned/ )

Betty wanted me to just pick up gift cards for all the children, but I felt that they wouldn’t realize who the gifts were ultimately from. But now – when little Rose wears her pretty dress – she’ll remember that her great-grandmother gave it to her.

I was careful to keep Betty’s budget in mind and I found wonderful holiday bargains. On top of the 50% off sale in the children’s department (70% on two of the items), I had a store coupon for an additional 20% off everything! Macy’s receipt showed a savings of nearly $200 and the total came to maybe $10 more than Betty anticipated.

Betty phoned me on the cell just as we were finishing up the shopping trip and I excitedly told her about all wonderful gifts, but in typical Betty fashion – I was scolded for spending to much. I knew her initial reaction would be like that, so I was able to simply ignore the words. Later, when she realized that I was within her budget, she relaxed a bit. But just a bit. Now, just days before Christmas, she’s worrying about the sizes – are they correct? Are there stores on the east coast near Bradford’s home? (There are eight!) What if ….?

I took all the presents to Betty’s, wrapped them in tissue and gift boxes and put gift tags on them. But I failed – a migraine was coming on (it had nothing to do with Betty) and I didn’t have my meds with me, so I left before I had a chance to put the wrapping paper and bows on.

As betty struggled to wrap the boxes, she phoned to talk about her Christmas Day plans at Rick’s. All was going just fine – that is – until she told me that me being not invited was all my fault. That I instigated the situation. (And, yes, I hung up quickly and the tears poured out.)

I know in my heart that I did the right thing months ago by telling Rick that he was neglecting Betty. By telling him that I was “disappointed at all the family times and joyous occasions you have – that your only surviving Grandmother is never invited – never has the joy of experiencing…”

Frankly, if I didn’t say that – if I didn’t intervene – Betty would not have been invited to Rick’s home this year.

As for me – I wouldn’t have been invited anyway. I fear that Rick’s accusations (in my November 24, 2009 blog) will hurt until the day I die.

But at least Betty will be in a house full of children with awe in their eyes this Christmas, and I have the joy knowing that I helped it happen.

Betty’s Daughter

December 23, 2009

]]> http://chasseusedenebuleuses.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/i-dont-feel-the-so-called-xmas/ Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:50:21 +0000 anabellulah http://chasseusedenebuleuses.wordpress.com/2009/12/23/i-dont-feel-the-so-called-xmas/

I just feel it’s cold outside.

I think the Grinch stole that part of my heart.

But Away We Go made me cry like a child today, and i loved it, that’s what i need to fullfill my catharsis and change and to get my paradigm ready, tears are always good start. And the hair, that now has totally change me in the outside and inside, i feel my head lighter, i can think clearly now. Finally.

I’m not going to apologize if some of you don’t understand this feeling, my dear invisible readers. I know me.

For the new year: I need to get over some unfinished ugly business and feelings and people i realized this year i don’t want them around me. Or feel anything about them. FJRC to begin with. Family can’t be erased, so i better deal with it.

Oh yeah. The haircut.

Sweet Home Alabama.  It makes my throat stretch and feel tight.  My eyes well up immediately. 

A few scenes from the movie…

Melanie walks into her apartment.  It’s rose filled from top to bottom.  Teenagers, college students and wanna be brides are awe inspired with the romantic nature of it all.  My first thought is who is cleaning up the mess.  Second thought is why don’t the roses match?  They are a hodge podge of yellow and red.  Cheesy.

Melanie is escorted to the backdoor of an unknown building and met by her boyfriend.  He’s been asking her about a trip to Ireland, but he flips it.  The lights go up and they are standing in the middle of Tiffany’s.  The question is popped and it’s all… ‘pick one’ meaning a huge diamond engagement ring.  Cheesy.

The roses turn my stomach.  Tiffany’s catches in my throat, flips my stomach, makes my eyes water and constricts everything.  It isn’t about wanting to get married.  Possibly the gesture; though it’s over the top dramatic, cliché and arrogant wrapped into one tight ass little package complete with pompous turtle neck sweater.  Maybe it’s a damn princess complex. 

Later she goes to apologize to a friend she outs as being gay.  “If I pointed at you they wouldn’t be pointing at me,” she says.  Constricts my throat again.  I feel the pain.

After a night out at a street fair Melanie wanders into the Coon Dog Cemetery and begins talking to the tombstone of Bear wondering what it was that she did wrong.  Jake (her not so ex-husband) joins her and they sort out old times a little.  They talk about a pregnancy gone bad she had that was an adventure to him and an ‘only’ adventure for her.  My throat clenches. The tears roll. 

Melanie stutters at signing her divorce papers at the altar.  I’m bawling at this point. 

The moments are all cheesy, predictable, by the book, theorized.  Yet they elicit a response for reason.  Surely there are Freudian reasons interlocked into the response.  Sweet Home Alabama happens to be one of my favorite feel good/feel the pain sort of movies that keeps me ‘feeling’…feeling human in an atmosphere that sometimes just doesn’t elicit the same response.

This Christmas is of course my first one without my mum as many of you know she passed away in March. Last Christmas was not much of a celebration since she was extremely ill and as many of my regular readers will remember she came home for a short time over Christmas but went back into hospital on the 27th December and never came back out. I knew last Christmas when I was looking at mum it would be our last together, call it instinct but I just sensed a feeling that we wouldn’t have anymore Christmas’s together after that one. In a way it was funny when I think of some of the things I did on the day and the laughs it brought to mum’s face! The few photos I took last Christmas are very precious to me as they were the last ones I ever took of mum.

It doesn’t of course make it any easier to get through this Christmas without her. The plan is to spend Christmas Day with Dad, I’ll make Christmas dinner for the two of us, but to be honest I’d rather be home alone I would find it easier to be alone. Dad was never really a Christmas person, Christmas was something me and mum embraced so I feel it’s something I will miss more. Still there is alcohol to rely on.

In the mean time I want to wish my fellow blog readers a Merry Christmas, enjoy the festive season be merry! I am sharing this little video with, I know my mum would have loved this!

Someone once told me, on their 10 years wedding anniversary, to remember what made me fall in love with him to encourage me in return to appreciate what we have together.

That’s easier said than done, I tell ya.

What if there were less common grounds in our differences? More arguments about nothing? Because we hold back on what we really want to say? Because we can’t seem to share our inner most deepest thoughts to one another? What’s a partner to do when you’re being deceived in the relationship with secrets untold?

How am I supposed to remember our love when I’ve slowly started to find out you told me little lies from the very beginning?

Trust. Honesty. Communication. These are the vital elements of a relationship which have diminished our love.

Can it be fixed? I think so.
Will it be easy? I think not.
Are we both determined to make it right? That, I doubt.

Divine narrative: (hadith qudsi)
“I am with those whose hearts are broken for My sake.” (At haf 6/290)

The heart of a man receives shocks in many ways, e.g. anxieties, troubles, accidents, casualties, thus the heart is broken, but why?                                 Just to make it a target for Allah’s mercy and bounty.

Dr Iqbal’s Poem:
The heart is like a mirror. Do not prevent it from being broken. It’s breakage is more dearer in the sight of its maker (i.e Allah), than its safety. Almighty Allah being indeed the Maker.

Dr Abdul Hayi Sahab used to say, when Allah breaks the heart of any of His servants, He desires to lift them to greater heights. These shocks, anxieties and sorrows which come to men are forced exertions in deen (faith) by which the servants progress in leaps and bounds to higher degrees and this is not possible in normal circumstances. He used to recite a couplet:

“The potter threw down the pot to break it, saying that after breaking it, he would reshape it (in a better form).”

“The moon like beloved ones take up their residence in deserted houses. They reside in the hearts of those who they ruin.”

The divine light penetrates into the broken hearts, so do not be afraid of occasions of sorrow and shocks. If you truly and firmly believe in Allah, then this broken heart, these rising sighs and these tears will take you to greater heights of spiritual achievement.

“The Valley of love is too far off, but some time a hundred years long journey is covered with one sigh, in the twinkling of an eye. Man should not therefore, get dejected and disappointed with these shocks and anxieties.”

Spiritual discourse By Mufti Taqi Uthmani

(Taken from Salams blog, with permission from the blogger to share it here. )

{Plus The Nightmare To Get Home}

Arriving back in Köln around Friday lunch time I took a taxi back to my hotel where I decided to spend some time relaxing and catching up on some much needed sleep, bearing in mind sleep had not been so great in the days running up to the holiday. I also took full advantage of the hotel room having a bath, a proper bath, oh how I miss that!

I arrived at the venue for the second show in plenty of time. This show went without a hitch. I had a perfect seat, eight rows back in the centre block right in front of Per, what more could a girl ask for! To see the entire show from start to finish was amazing and I can’t fault any artists, I even enjoyed Christina Stürmer, actually I thought she was fantastic. So language was a slight problem but often it’s pretty easy to translate some words from German to English as I can remember sometimes back to German language lessons at school! I’ve also now downloaded some of her music on iTunes! Again both of Roxette’s performances went perfectly, I decided I wanted to be at the front for their second performance so when the time was right I got up from my seat excused myself from the five people sat next to me and moved to the left side aisle where I joined my Russian and German friend and we started the process of Balloon blowing much to the amusement of the rest of the front row and the somewhat bemused security guard! There were only about seven of us in the aisle to show our strong support, obviously I am sure other fans were scattered in the arena but for us seven we made enough noise to make it a show to remember! They performed perfectly and it was a performance that was perfect again. Per commented on twitter ‘Fab show tonite in Cologne. Marie in super shape. I slipped twice on the slippery stage floor. Don’t know why. Must’ve been something I ate’. Straight after their performance I shot over to the right hand side of the stage to wait for their re-appearance and the flower ceremony with my Russian friend, I was feeling lucky, would the British flag send me some luck! After John Miles final song and about 10 minutes later I was clutching a bouquet of flowers which Per had thrown to me with a thumbs up! I knew today was going to my lucky day! Evgeny was lucky enough for the second time to get Marie’s flowers we were both ecstatic!

I walked back to the hotel on cloud nine with people eyeing up the bouquet and you could see in their eyes them wondering which artist I’d got the flowers off! The walk back was through thick snow which had come down heavy during the concert, it was also very cold! I went to bed happy but sad knowing that tomorrow was going to be the final show! There was no opportunity of meeting Per or Marie after the Köln shows since we were aware they were staying in Düsseldorf for the airport, flying in there and travelling to Köln and flying out there to travel to the final show on Sunday in Dortmund. Besides it would have also given them a little privacy and peace and quiet! I got another perfect night’s sleep in my hotel.

The next morning I decided despite the heavy snow I wanted to visit the cathedral, it was absolutely on my list of things to see whilst I was in Köln. I had message off my German friend Claudia who I finally caught up at the arena with the previous night and who provided the balloons for Joyride (nice one C!) and she said she would be in a shopping centre having breakfast. Being my first time in Germany I had no idea where this was or how the underground transport system worked. I did however had a rough idea how to find the cathedral you couldn’t really miss it with it massive two spiral towers. I sent her a message back saying I was heading to the Cathedral. I ideally wanted to avoid buying travel cards for the sake of just another full day in the city and because I’d blown mine cash budget on the new hotel in Hanover. I’d deliberately left my credit card at home because I knew that even after three shows having my credit card meant I’d been far to tempted to have joined friends for the final show in Dortmund on Sunday. It would have been all to easy to have booked a train, an extra night in a hotel and sod the cost a new flight home on Monday! I know only to well how my mind works, look how easily I slipped Amsterdam into The Party Crasher Tour in May!

I left the hotel to make my way over to the cathedral and as soon as I did the cold hit me, even in Sweden I’d never experiences temperatures like this. I later discovered it reached -12, no wonder I was so cold! I managed to walk from the hotel to the cathedral across the bridge that the Rhine runs under and later worked out it was just less than two miles. The views from the Rhine where breathtaking, the cold was pretty much the same! I was pleased however to make it to the cathedral, there is to me something special about visiting a place like this even more so in another country. I always use to visit cathedrals with my parents on UK holidays as a child and I made a promise to myself I would visit this one and light a candle from my mum and I kept that promise.

There was a German market just next to the Cathedral, I had a tiny mooch around and tried a Currywurst which my dad went on about as being fabulous from his times in the army in the 70’s he wasn’t wrong! However it was so cold my legs were actually burning that I called it a day come 1pm and jumped into a taxi and went back to the hotel, a -12 temperature is even too cold for me to be out. I achieved my visit to Köln cathedral and that to me was what mattered. I headed back to the hotel to spend a relaxing afternoon watching the snow from the warmth of my hotel bedroom!

Later than evening I got a text off my friend N another UK fan who’d arrived and was at the venue already, I texted back and said I’d be there in around 40 minutes. I quickly got dressed to head on over for my final Night of the Proms show. Most of the afternoon I’d been trying to concoct a story to get past security for Roxette’s second performance during the show! Sounds bizarre read on… My seat for the final show was not on the floor of the venue, I was up in the lower tier in the first block next to the stage and whilst it was a good seat, I wanted to be on the floor as close as possible to the band for their performance, it was better it felt more fan like and concert like. I’d come up with all kinds of ideas in my head about what I could say to the guy at the top of the stairs when the time came for trying to get past him! As I was getting dressed I found the previous nights ticket in my jeans and just stuffed it back into my pocket when suddenly I had a brainwave, use last night’s ticket and fool him! Could it work? It had to work!

It was just before Roxette’s first performance that I spotted Evgeny my Russian friend on the floor of the aisle and I thought where did he appear from, I realised he too had come from somewhere near me so I got up and decided I too was going to go down for this first song as well! I got past the six people next to me out of the block and causally walked up to the entrance for the arena’s main floor was and there was a young guy on the door. He asked me for my ticket and I just pulled it from my jeans pocked holding it in my hand accidently covering the date and all he saw was the block and he said ‘okay’ … I just smiled! I ran down the aisle and joined my friends just as the intro to ‘Wish I Could Fly’ started! At the end the words Roxette, Roxette were chanted over and over, after all this was the second to last show for the guys, it was coming to the end of something big! After the performance I headed back up to my original seat till the break!

During the break I went back into the floor area again using last nights ticket to fool security into letting me through and caught up with N and I never returned back to my original seat, I stayed downstairs talking over a beer in the bar area waiting eagerly for Roxette’s performance. The idea was we were going to be the first to the front of the aisle as N had waited so long to see Marie back on the stage. Somehow I lost all sense of time and the next thing I knew we heard the intro to ‘The Look’ had started but it didn’t spoil the show we still had an excellent view from where we stood and the final show for me and the first show for N was just superb. Each show just got better, Marie got more powerful, the audience got louder! Per said on Twitter ‘XLNT 2nd gig in Cologne. Thanx!!! Great crowd, the band is pretty tight by now and I finally start to learn the lyrix to The Look’. I didn’t attempt to catch any flowers, one bouquet was enough! It was a fantastic final show and seeing it again from the floor was just marvellous. In fact I am still on cloud 9 that three shows in three days happened like they did. I wish I’d booked more shows! The question in my head now is how the hell am I going to say no to concerts and commit to university, I personally don’t think I can do it, I am an addict when it comes to Roxette and anything related, it’s like blood running through my veins… I know what’s going to happen any Gessle / Roxette tour I’ll go somehow I’ll get out of university and take off for the tour I just know it I won’t be able to help myself it’s such an addiction for me, like people get addicted to other things. It’s just part of my life! Sadly it’s also a bloody expensive hobby especially when you choose to travel half of Europe and stay in quality hotels, but that’s half the fun! 

I headed back to the hotel with N who was staying in the same one and again the night out ensured a fairly decent night’s sleep. The next morning I got to spend a few hours in the hotel before I checked out to head to the airport for what I can only call the most disastrous return trip home ever! Some of you are aware of what happened, others won’t know… snow snow everywhere!

I was at Köln airport for around 12.30pm on Sunday even thought my flight was not till 6.40pm. As most travellers will know you tend to get thrown out of your hotel at 12pm. I decided to pick a quiet corner in the airport and read my Peter Kay book which kept me amused for some hours but I am sure the Germans walking passed through I was crazy with the outbursts of laughter from the funniness with the book!

I always said I wanted to see Heathrow airport, it’s the reason I booked the flight via Heathrow so I could just spend a few hours there before the connecting flight to Manchester incoming or outgoing to Köln – I didn’t anticipate sleeping on the floor of Heathrow’s Terminal 1 overnight!

My flight from Germany to Heathrow was two hours late arriving to Heathrow because Köln airport didn’t have the correct de-icer for the plane, every time the plane was de-iced when we left the gate and reached the runway which took around 25 minutes the plane was iced up again, this happened three times, on the fourth time we finally took off, we sat on the plane for over two hours waiting to take off! Some people actually gave up and got off knowing they had missed there connecting flights at Heathrow, I personally was hoping mine was delayed to Manchester but no such luck it wasn’t it had gone!

I was told by some woman on the BMI customer service desk I needed to go to the Lufthansa desk since it was their fault I had missed the connecting flight and they needed to arrange a new ticket to Manchester. Both airlines are part of the Star Alliance group, anyhow I was directed to the Lufthansa ticket desk where I found a queue, I sighed to myself and joined it recognising the guy at the end from being on my flight. I was in the queue for over two hours! I reached the end and I was the last since the woman I am guessing the manager was putting her foot down and closing after me, re-opening at 5am, the three people behind me had no chance, although fair enough the three of them had only joined the queue about 30 minutes before hand!

Anyway the guy on the desk booked me onto the first flight out of Heathrow back to Manchester at 7.10am with BMI, but he didn’t give me a reference, I personally wasn’t convince he’s transferred me. However he did give me £10 worth of vouchers to spend in the airport on some food. The only place open at that time was Costa Coffee. It was there I met with the rudest annoying pain in the backside assistant ever. First off before I purchased anything I asked if she took the vouchers, yes she said checking it! I proceeded to pick up a bottle of Fanta, two bottles of water, order a large Latte and a cheese and tomato toastie. It was then she said to me ‘I can’t accept this voucher it’s out of date’ … it was dated the 20th, it was half an hour pass midnight. The annoying thing was it was issued after midnight by the guy on the Lufthansa desk he’d dated it wrong obviously working four hours passed his shift he was not exactly the most alert man on the planet!

I attempted to explain the situation to her, but she could hardly speak English. I showed her my boarding card for the missed flight, all she could say was you need to go back to who issued this and get it changed. I explained they were shut till 5am and that I was not queuing up at 5am for the sake of £10 and I’d accepted this over a night in a hotel. She and her colleague who also spoke little English wouldn’t budge, I was beginning to lose my temper and was getting frustrated. So I suggested she called the police because I was not moving without the items I had ordered. I then proceed to open one of the drinks and drank it quite rightly informing her I was not paying for it and repeating if she was not accepting the voucher to call the airport police because I would continue to drink all three bottles on the counter but I was not paying for them! Eventually she backed down, suddenly I became Madam, she made my latte and my toastie served it with a smile and accepted the voucher! I was so pissed off at this point I couldn’t have given shit if the police had turned up or not, at least a night in the cells might have been warmer than Heathrow airport! Warning never pack your medication in your luggage either mood stabilisers or diabetic medication, I suspect my blood sugar was rather low hence why I was in desperate need for sugar and I reacted like I did. I’d not eaten since around 1pm and not had anything to drink since around 6pm! By this point it was around 12.35pm!

After the short rest and re-fuelling I headed over to the BMI ticket desk and joined there queue to check I was booked on their flight in the morning. This time I was cut off from the queue and at 2am they closed and we were told to come back at 5am. Fair enough the staff have to go home at some point. Everyone else in the queue disappeared, I didn’t I took my place on the floor so I was first in the queue when they opened at 5am. All that concert queuing paid off, three hours soon passed and within 10 minutes of me starting a queue I was joined by three others. I rested on the floor listening to the iPod. Eventually they opened and I spoke to a friendly and helpful guy on the desk who confirmed I was booked on the flight and checked me in and sorted out my missing luggage – my luggage of course should have gone from Köln to Manchester but wouldn’t have been loaded on the Manchester flight because it was still on the Köln flight with me, instead it was somewhere in the absolute chaos that was Heathrow baggage hall and when I say chaos I mean chaos! It was hoped it would be located in time and loaded onto the Manchester flight but if not it would follow on and be delivered to me when it was found, I hoped before Christmas since it contained a few presents I bought in Duty Free for people!

So after a hellish night on the floor of Heathrow I was finally book on a flight home so I headed through security and found the gate. At this point I just wanted to see the back of Heathrow and get home. The flight boarded on time at 6.50am but as we were boarding they told us the news I hated to hear, we were not departing till 9.30am at least! They had to be seriously taking the piss they wanted us to sit on a plane on the ground for over two and half hours before it took off! Yes of course they did! It was ever so practical, it was of course in case they could take off sooner. The reason for the delay was Manchester Airport was partly closed, one runway was closed and they were currently only taking inbound international flights. To make it worse this flight was of course full of business men on a Monday morning so it was a constant stream of men in suits on mobile phones chatting away, or mobile phones ringing it was like sitting in an office! I decided to put my coat over my head and to be honest I cried, I’d had about as much as I could take at this point, I was an emotional wreck.

Another announcement came from the captain we were now delayed till 10.30am, Manchester Airport was open but our flight was not a priority for arriving. At this point several people decided to get off to make alternative arrangements with two lads decided to hire a car and drive up North. These people deciding to get off of course meant there luggage had to be removed which meant waiting for someone from dispatch coming down to sort out that. No sooner was this done which took around 45 minutes, we got good news our flight was able to go and we took off eventually at 9.45am and finally touched down in Manchester at 10.25am. The even better news was my luggage arrived also! It was such a relief to finally see Manchester again…

BMI had the bloody cheek though to want us to purchase hot drinks on the plane and breakfast when we had took off. You’d thought after keeping us sat on a plane for almost three hours before it had taken off they would have at least thrown in a free cup of coffee or two for us! How bad is that for customer service!

So Germany was fantastic, the Night of the Proms spectacular. I am still not sure I can write the words down correctly to sum it up. I didn’t take a great deal of photos of the concerts, simply because I wanted to enjoy the atmosphere rather than spend time clicking away with a camera. I’m getting to a point in life where I keep the memories inside my head. So what photos I did take you can see here at this Flickr Collection, enjoy!

When I think of my son, tears start to sting my eyes. If only he knew, the struggle I feel inside. Even though somehow, I know he feels it too. A connection between a mother and child can never be scientifically explained, it’s just there. Subconsciously we can feel each other on a whole different level. His innocence pierces through me as if I were transparent, his joy lets my guard down and his blank sheet of life cuts through my soul.

How do you even begin to explain to your child what potentially lies ahead? Adults struggle with life, let alone children who take their first steps. Stay in my arms, even though you can’t all the time. But know you can always come and hug me, whenever, wherever, I’m here. To help you deal when it’s difficult.

thanks for being there for me when i need someone most

rainy day and depression

whole head were blank and did not know what to think

whole day felt so sad

did not know why did i even went for the concert with them

when there’s no one talking to me

seeing others gathering in small groups

it hurts you know

felt so left out

and why wasnt i talking to you that day

nah.. i just dont

dont know what way that i should face you with

untill then .. better just let it off

whole day was like that

really felt like tears dropping off right then

but then

the best way is to hide right

just like any other time i did

and it will work this time also right

i hope so ..

but then at the end i still collapse

cannot stand to keep everything inside me

together with the rain i could just felt my tears dropping off

could you please

stay with me just for a while

i just cant

take this alone

felt so helpless

wish there was someone there for me

listen to what i say

and comfort me

sorry didnt meant to keep you for so long

and thanks for being there for me when you could just walk off

and lend me your shoulder when i need someone to rely on

letting me know that i am not alone

at the end of the day i am just a girl

who tried to hide all the sad side about myself and fail to do so

just being there for me

is good enough ..

Warning – You will cry. If you don’t, you have no soul.
I only say that because here I am in bed, bawling my eyes out.
But, its brilliant.

The water runs down the hill.  In the beginning, only slow moving rivulets of the liquid are present; but soon the volume increases to a deluge, and the water pours and pours until everything around the hill is soaked.  The drowning land surrounding the hill is quickly covered and just as suddenly disappears underneath the sea.

I can’t believe the level of sensitivity.

Swim and swim.  The water is deep.  Swim and Swim.  Let me hear you weep.

Harness the Power of Fear and Choose Courage

Life is not easy – it takes tremendous amount of courage to wake up each day, it takes tremendous amount of willingness to be in the moment, and it takes tremendous amount of intelligence to move through fear.  It is a constant choice to live life awaken or asleep.

This morning I woke up not wanting to get out of bed.  The struggles in my mind began before I opened my eyes.  ”What if I find more pain on my journey?”  ”What if I disappoint those who support me?”  ”What if I am not good enough?”  ”What if I don’t deserve love?”  Questions as such might seem silly or non-sensible yet the feeling associated with such fear is real.  Initially I did what I always do – ignored the fear and blindly believe it would go away.  As I quieted my mind for a split second, I noticed no amount of ignoring will make any problem (real or imagined) go away.  I can either deal with it or hide in my safe zone again.

Recently my journey has been tough – much tougher than I expected.  When I embarked upon the spiritual journey, I had originally thought that God was going to make everything peachy again.  Much to my surprise, my world has been turned upside down, inside out, and I can no longer tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined.  Everyday I find myself unsure what is going to happen and everyday I have to reaffirm myself and make the choice to move forward no matter what happens.

Today was one of those days I wished I could just hide out or quit.  I wished perhaps I can just take a little break and be asleep for a bit longer.  I even tucked my head underneath the warm blanket and wished the demand of the day would go away and my sense of awareness would disappear.  I secretly hoped that I could once again live an unconscious life instead of having to face the pain of my choices.  I wasn’t sure if I can bear the heaviness of the load I felt within me.  I did not even want to try.  At this very moment I knew I could either play it safe or play to breakthrough and that choice was entirely mine.  I jumped out of bed and stood in front of the mirror.  I can not let myself down.  I had to make the promise to myself to keep healing no matter how painful the process might become.  As I dove into my morning meditation not knowing if I will find bliss or pain, I stayed intimately against my breath and near my thoughts anyway.  I noticed my subconscious wounds have created my thoughts, my thoughts have lead to my emotions, my emotions have lead to my behaviors and my actions, while my actions have given rise to my current circumstances.  It was me – I was responsible for making the choices I made and the actions I took that lead to where I am today.  It was me –  I contributed to my painful reality.  It was me – I shied away from golden opportunities and kept myself frozen with fear.  I can blame no one but my own ignorance.  Now I know better so I can make a different choice.

This is my choice – Feel the fear and have the courage to live deeply anyway.  My journey has become turbulent, unpredictable, and damn right scary.  But it is up to me to continue a hero’s journey.  A hero is the symbol for courage and I shall harness the power of fear and choose to live with courage.

This is the true story of a coach, his girlfriend, a waffle maker and an engagement ring.

Once upon a time, in a far off and snowy land called Hanover a young Assistant Basketball Coach had an epiphany one carefree fall afternoon that he would propose to his long time girlfriend on her upcoming visit.

This was fortuitous timing for him to make this decision since his parents were already in town visiting. When he met them the next morning at a local breakfast haven called Lou’s he announced his intentions.

Overjoyed by this news they shared hugs and congratulations with their morning coffee. However, the coach’s youthful mother professed a concern, “What about the ring?”

The young coach knew what his mother was implying in this question since they had already decided that when the time was right he would use a stunning diamond engagement ring that had been passed down from his father’s mother.

The only problem was getting the ring quickly and safely to Hanover since the girlfriend would be visiting shortly after his parents left.

The coach and his mother used all of their collective brainpower to concoct a plan for how to safely transport the ring to Hanover in time.

They cleverly decided that since the coach’s mother made jewelry that she would wrap the ring tightly into a box and ask the girlfriend to bring it when she visited as a gift for the coach’s boss’s wife.

However, they knew that the girlfriend was as intelligent as she was beautiful so they also asked her to bring a clumsy waffle maker to reduce suspicion.

A few days before the girlfriend’s fateful trip she was given the box and waffle maker she would be carrying.

Initially she didn’t think much about the contents of the box until she was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to board when suddenly it hit her like a bolt of lightning that she was carrying her own engagement ring.

She was immediately overcome by emotion resulting from this enormous conclusion and called several friends to help her calm down and put the situation into perspective.

That evening she flew into Boston ‘s Logan Airport where the coach picked her up without any mention or indication that she had discovered the box’s secret.

The next day while the coach was at work the girlfriend spent the afternoon sitting on the kitchen floor of his apartment in tears completely overwhelmed by the thought of the question she was likely to receive that evening.

When night finally fell she picked the coach up from work and they decided to go on a walk around campus before they headed to Main Street for dinner.

As they strolled along the coach appeared to be becoming more anxious with each step they took in unison.

Finally, across the street from where they had been walking he eyed the ideal spot. A tree still covered in the reds, yellows and oranges of the season’s foliage sat in the center of an empty and perfectly lit courtyard. He directed the future Mrs. Coach in the trees direction before stopping them underneath its expanse of branches.

The ring had been burning a hole in his pocket during their walk, and now it was finally time to put it on the slender finger of its rightful owner.

As he aligned the girlfriend directly across from him he looked into her eyes with a quiet smile. Deciding he didn’t want to take a traditional one-knee approach he remained standing during the proposal so as not to lose a direct line of sight between them.

As he took her hands he slowly and gently slid the ring onto her finger while asking her the question, “Will you marry me?”

As she stared back into his eyes a smile engulfed her face as she answered, “Yes.”

Both overcome with joy they hugged and kissed under the moonlight, savoring every moment.

They then retreated to Main Street where they called family and friends to spread the joyous news.

Unfortunately, two short days later the girlfriend would depart Hanover to fly back home leaving the coach once again longing for his better half, but feeling comforted by the thought that they were now connected forever.

Just as earlier in the story the girlfriend once again took a seat at the airport waiting for her flight to board although this time she didn’t have a clumsy waffle maker weighing down her carry-on bag, and the contents of the mysterious box that had led to her emotional state on the way to Hanover now beautifully adorned her ring finger.

The End

so i met this chick last week at the movies. me and my buddy went to go see the new lars von trier film and she was sitting in the row in front of us. she was cute. dark hair, red lips, kinda pale. curvy. just my type. my girlfriend has light hair and is tall and toned. almost the polar opposite of this chick. dont get me wrong tho, shes very sensual in her own way too. but if we’re being completely honest id rather have soft voluptuous curves over toned and tight any day. so needless to say i was gunna try to chat up this bird after the flick. unbelievably she was there sans escort. i kept checking out her and her reactions during the movie. the way she unflinchingly observed the genital mutilation scenes turned me on, she had ordered a basket of fries or something and she chomped lightly on them as the gore rolled on the screen.

i had to pee after the movie so i rushed to the wc. when i got out i had lost track of her. my friend said he thought he saw her go into the ladies room so i hovered around there pretending to be texting on my phone or something. a few minutes passed and i was beggining to think she wasnt in there. especially seeing as how several other ladies had come both in and out during the duration of my “texting.” the theater was closing around us, so we started heading for the exits.
apparently my friend was wrong. she was practically right in front of us in fact, sitting on a bench texting on her phone. she was slightly hidden behind on oversized cardboard display for the new tim burton movie. she was wearing a black skirt, her legs were crossed indian style on the bench and i could see a small patch of her white cotton panties as she looked down intently at her iphone. i thought she mustve seen me hanging around in front of the womens restroom peeking in and lurking about. i dont think she knew her underwear were showing. either that or she didnt care. her ample chest was heaving out towards me as well. full c’s i would say. maybe even d’s. she had a crucifix around around her neck, it dangled blasphemously between her huge perfectly shaped tits. i was getting hard again just approaching this girl. i had to struggle to keep myself from staring at her chest while we talked.
she told me she was waiting for a friend to pick her up but that she wasnt answering the phone. she seemed kind of upset. apparently her friend was supposed to meet her to see the movie. she didnt show and now she couldnt even get a hold of her. she took the bus to get to the theater but needed a ride back seeing as how the busses stop running after twelve. my friend took off to his place pretty much on cue. Leaving me alone with her outside in the movie theater parking lot. i offer her a ride in my car. after the obligatory speech about how im not a psycho and such. i even admitted that i was waiting for her outside the ladies room for like 10 minutes. she laughed and told me she was watching me from the bench and thought i mightve been doing something like that. she commented on the nick cave sticker on my car, then hopped in and we were on our way.
she lived waaaay on the other side of town. mustve been quite a few transfers by bus. the neighborhood she lived in was vaguely familiar though. we listened to trailer trash tracys on the way to her place. she said she had never heard of them but that she was really into old shoegazey stuff. she cited a band called alisons halo as one of her all time fav’s. so far so good i thought. she seemed like a really cool chick.

when we got to her place she offered to burn me a cd of alisons halo to thank me for the ride. i said, i’d like that, and we went in to her place. she immediately began picking up around the house, asking me to forgive the mess. it wasnt all that bad though. lots of clothes lying around, nothing unusual. she took off her shoes and motioned me to come up stairs with her. i got a pretty good look at her panties again as she rushed to the top of the starcase,, but i tried not to make it too obvious that i was looking. she got on itunes and started making me my cd. we shared a silent pause while she clicked away at the computer screen. the first semi akward moment. she pressed play on a track called “leech” and the silence broke.
she finished setting up the cd to burn, and spun around to face me, i didnt really know what to say next. the whole thing kinda happened fast. i really didnt have time to soak it all in. so i was left standing there with this gorgeous women sitting down in front of me. she looked deep into my eyes for the first time. i didnt know what else to do but calmly and cooly return her gaze. the left side of my mouth cracked into a half smile. she smiled back, displaying her straight white teeth. “what color are my panties?” she asks me out of nowhere. still smiling at me and looking into my eyes. “uhmm white ?” i tell her. she puts her lips back together then gives me a smirk.” want me to take them off” she says coily with a raised eyebrow then looks down at her lap. “ok” i say. she stays seated and slowly pulls down her white cotton undies.

i notice shes not completely shaved. but has just the perfect amount of pubic hair. she gets off the computer chair, bends down to pick up her panties and puts her hand on my cock. shes rubbing firmly on the outside of my jeans, her lips are parted. i can feel her warm breath on my own lips. i lunge in to kiss her, but she backs away. she starts grabbing my cock and lightly squeezing it. she lets me put my hands under her skirt. i move my hands lightly over her soft ass cheeks, feeling the tiny hairs raise against my fingertips. i start to sqeeze. she still doesnt let me kiss her. she takes her panties in her hand and presses them on my face. i breathe them in heavily. she seems really turned on by this. she starts pressing her body hard on mine. her breath is like fire on my neck. i open my mouth a little and she pushes her small, warm wadded up panties inside. immediately she grabs my hand from off her ass and moves it to her pussy. shes so wet. she guides my hand all over her lips then plunges my fingers in. she uses my hand to fuck herself. her panties are almost completely in my mouth, she starts moaning loud.her hand is pressed tight over my mouth. im thinking im gunna cum in my jeans any second now. she contiues working my hand in and out of her body. then i see that shes bleeding, and my entire hand is covered in dark red menstrual blood.

A few days go by. i cant stop playing the cd she gave me. I text her that my girlfriend is leaving town for the weekend and that i’ll have the house to myself. She texts me back to pick her up at midnight. i have some trouble finding her place again, and i dont end up in front of her house til 12:45. She seems a little put off when i pick her up. I go in to give her a peck on the cheek and she looks away in annoyance. “can we go please?” She snaps. I start to feel bad for showing up so late, but i honestly didnt think she would be even remotely this upset. i turn the volume up on my cd player. the cd she made kicks on as i navigate back to my place. She asks me if i could turn it down, she says she has a headache. I turn down the volume and we drive the rest of the way in silence.
She seems unimpressed with my house when we get there. She walks around it like shes been in it before a million times. She doesnt ask where anything is. She finds the bathroom on her own and locks the door behind her. I wait for about ten minutes before i knock on the door. “are you alright?” i ask. She doesnt answer. I can hear small sobs coming from the other side of the door. I ask again if shes ok, then wait a while for a response. She starts crying louder, and i can see from the crack under the door that shes lying on the floor. “open the door please.” I calmly say. “let me in, whats wrong sweetheart?” Her voice is shaky and shes stammering, while inadvertantly taking large gulps of air. “please help me! Please help me!” she manages to say.”ok, let me in baby. Cmon open the door so i can help you.” I reply. the lock turns over and i walk in slowly to see her lying in her underwear on the floor. Her face all wet with tears, her make up running with her nose.
“you gotta help me pleeeeease!” She manically cries. Im confused and unsure of what i should do. “whats wrong? tell me whats wrong baby.” I say. She struggles to catch her breath, to subside the sobbing for at least a few breaths. She appears to be getting a grip on her self. Looking around the room she wipes her eyes, her breathing still heavy and shaky. She crawls towards me as i crouch down to her level. she hudles close to me and i wrap my arms around her. Shes shaking and rocking back and forth. Her gaze fixes on my crotch, determinantly she reaches forward and quickly unbuckles my belt, unzips my zipper and crams my unsuspecting dick in her mouth. the sobbing continues, though muted to a certain degree. I can hear her breathing through her stuffy nostrils. Her face is still glistening with tears. She looks up at me with wet eyes as she jerks me off against her warm red tongue.

theres alot more but i’ll get into that later. i need to sleep.

Luke Havergal

this aren’t parfait right now. probs everything but. but I’m still clinging to the promise of a lifetime. because He hears my every prayer. He holds my tear drops. He mends my wounded heart. He said He’d never leave me. And He has always kept that pledge. He makes a symphony out of my melody of pain. He’s the lover of my soul. He still loves me more than I could ever imagine, even though I’m struggs. I want Him to help me fall apart and take me into His arms. Because it’s hard to be broken without glue to mend.

God is in this. God is working in my brokenness. Maybe He won’t calm the storm. But He’ll calm my heart. He’ll be right there with me. He is right here with me, even when I can’t see or hear Him. He calms my heart, even when I feel everything but calm. He is my peace. He is my rock. He knows everything is going to be alright. I want to believe what He knows. I need to believe what He knows. I don’t want to call him a liar. I do that too much. He isn’t a liar. He is Lord. I want Him to be Lord of me.

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. -Job

I want to have that kind of faith. I want to offer all of me. I want Him to be ALL this heart is living for. I want to value Him more than I value life itself. I want to trust Him. I want to believe everything He says. He is The Truth and he speaks the truth.

I want my hands to lifted to the God who gives and takes away. No matter what. I’m not about hypocrisy. I’m about authenticity. I don’t want a double heart. I want a God focused heart. I want my broken heart to still sing. No matter what. Even if He takes it all away, He’ll never let me go. And I’ll still be His.

I want to cling to His promise. I want to cling to His Love.

adhering (or attempting to at least),

coop

Stuffed animals

A box of chocolate

Romantic dates

Sweet kisses

Love is in the air.

Tears ran down my cheeks

As he said the final words

Ending our relationship.

I loved you

Supported you

Through thick and thin.

What happened?

How did we get here?

I still love and care for you.

Don’t you feel the same?

“We’re growing apart,” he says.

“Since when?,” I asked.

“In the last few months,” he answered.

What do I do now?

My heart can’t take this pain.

This hurts too much

Too many memories to count.

How could it all end here?

What do I tell my family and friends?

I never saw it coming

Heartache.

Dear Buzz,

You cried today and there was nothing I could do about it. And now that you are asleep I can’t stop my tears from falling.

The whirlwind events of today and you being stuck in the car seat or in our lap had you full of energy and you refused to take your afternoon nap. You played through the entire hour and more, no matter what I did. The result – you got overtired. And as I drove the car back home from lil-K’s Birthday you got fussy and started crying. I was stuck driving on the freeway with no place to stop while you cried 15 mins till we got home.

You apparently have forgotten all about it and sleep peacefully in your crib. But how do I forget? How do I forget?

-Maa