After a couple months of leaving the topic alone, some media outlets – for whatever reason – decided to poke the sleeping monster of “sexting” and extract a few hundred words-long story from it for appearance’s sake. It’s sort of like trying to make up for all these lurid stories about Tiger Woods by showing a glimmer of social conscience without abandoning the topic of sex.

Sexting, for the uninitiated who should consider themselves fortunate, is a portmanteau of “sex” and “texting.” It refers to the epidemic of young people sending sexual content, such as naked photographs, of themselves via cell phone text messaging. If you want to be technical, however, “texting” is the wrong term, because images are sent via Multimedia Messaging Service. MMS is obviously less friendly to those who like to create word mash-ups. By the way, dibs on “MMX.”

How sure are you? Seventy-five percent? That's a good figure. Pretty confident.

What led to a new story about sexting and its accompanying headlines and teases designed to scare the bejesus out of parents of children ages 12-40? An Associated Press-MTV poll. (Oh, sure. MTV is bad until it hooks up – pun intended – with the AP to issue a survey about teens sharing sexually explicit content of themselves. Then parents are all ears.)

According to the poll, more than 25 percent of Americans aged 14-24 have participated in sexting. Do you know what that means?

It means nearly 75 percent of that same group has not done so. One-fourth of a group is significant, but the story ignores seems to consider the three-fourths that doesn’t do it inconsequential.

But what really takes the cake is how the phenomenon is explained:

Research shows teenage brains are not quite mature enough to make good decisions consistently. By the mid-teens, the brain’s reward centers, the parts involved in emotional arousal, are well-developed, making teens more vulnerable to peer pressure.

There’s a 25 percent chance your teen is sexting, and it’s because he or she is stupid and immature. Are you worried now? Are you?

Over at New America Media, other kids in the Bay Area and elsewhere are trying to make sense of this mess.

Here are some of the responses at the NAM Youth Media Group and YoBlogger:

The Friend Who Couldn’t Talk

If I witnessed a rape, I wouldn’t let it happen. It’s so sad to know these scary things are happening. I have always hated rape. When I was little, I saw a movie with rape as part of the storyline. Ever since that movie, I became scared of rape, but it never really clicked in that there is such a thing as rape!

I used to know a family friend who couldn’t talk. I felt sorry for her ’cause when she would talk to me, I couldn’t really understand what she was saying. My mom told me the story behind her disability. My mom said she used to be a beautiful maiden back in Laos, many years ago. One day, while filling up the water container, she was kidnapped and raped by multiple men. She was so traumatized that she lost the ability to talk correctly, and her lips also became crooked.

I don’t know why rape is so common. It’s not new. It’s been happening forever. In the case of the Richmond girl, it’s sad how people have stooped down so low to the point where they take pictures of these horrible events as if it were entertainment instead of help try to stop it. I’m still speechless about the whole incident.

-Angelina Thao, 17

Afraid to Be a Snitch

I have strong feelings about this whole rape incident. If I had witnessed the rape, I would have called the police and tried to break it up but I would be scared in case they tried to do something to me. I don’t know why rape is high in Oakland, but I believe there is not enough watching going on or no one is taking precautions. I think those kids took pictures of the rape instead of helping because they were probably scared to help the girl. They don’t want to be considered a “snitch.” I feel sorry for the girl. It’s wrong what these boys did.

-Meme Garrido, 16

It Happened to Me

After my ex-boyfriend raped me, I took great strides to bury the memory. I buried it so deep inside of me that I refused to legitimize it. I numbed my insides and disconnected myself from the memory. I convinced myself the rape happened to someone else, not me. The sound of my own voice yelling “stop” still seems like a distant whisper.

The story about a young girl who was gang raped at her homecoming dance in Richmond makes me want curl up into a ball and block it all out. Words of disgust, words I can’t even formulate, come to mind. It boggles my mind that anyone would voluntarily subject someone else to such cruel treatment. Would the guys who took part in this rape feel just as cool if the victim was their sister or mother? I doubt it.

You don’t live your life expecting you’ll be a victim of rape one day. I certainly didn’t. I believe the issue of rape is low on the spectrum of major issues being addressed these days. In order to make rape a more pressing issue of concern, activists, organizers, media, and government representatives should work together to address issues related to rape prevalence in the U.S. There needs to be a push from the top to make rape just as important as national security. Stories like the rape incident in Richmond need to be more than a weekly news headline. They need to urge us to organize around addressing rape and how we can try to reduce it.

I hope to God I never find myself in a situation like this young woman faced, but in the event that it did happen, I hope someone would call or help out. I can’t imagine going through two hours of such treatment. No women–or man–should be subjected to that.

- Emilya Piansay, 23

It’s a Big Deal to Guys Too

Rape is a big deal to me because I ask myself, why would guys do that to a girl? It’s horrible. I would have called the cops if I saw the rape. I feel so angry, sad as well, because why on earth would people watch a rape happen instead of stopping it?

When I hear that someone got raped, it shocks me, because it’s like killing a life. When there’s a rape, and no one’s there to see, it’s still wrong, but when there’s people watching, that’s just plain horrible. It’s stupid that people would take pictures of it, just for fun. No one should ever go through that.

What I believe is that nowadays, if someone asks you if you’re a virgin and you say yes, they will make fun of you and laugh at you. Another thing is that guys are desperate for sex, so they gather all the guys and hunt for a girl. Also because they can’t get a girlfriend. I think that’s why they rape rate is so high.

Every girl should be aware of her surroundings. That way, the rape rate can decrease. I think all girls should have some kind of legal weapon with them, like pepper spray. Maybe that, or they can take self-defense classes.

-Luis Mendoza, 17

Visit the link highlighted above. See what the kids are saying about their inner values and how they would or would not respond to such a incident because of fear, because of confusion, because of courage. There is more than just I’ve transferred here. Then comment or take it with you to your friends and to your families and talk this out.

Just saying they were animals and she was stupid is not enough. In this case, there are more than just simple answers.

Dear GA,

We waited for an hour to get into the specialist’s office and he spent five minutes with me.  Why do they check your blood pressure and look at your tongue when they know very well that the reason you are there is because you have a brain tumor?  And then they check your lungs and listen to your heart.  That all took about four of the five minutes.  Then he asks me the same questions, and some of them don’t make any sense at all like, how’s your eating, and are you sleeping ok?  He talks to my dad like I’m not there, about what they want to do.  They are going to do some exploratory stuff soon he said, but he wanted me to increase the steroids.

Steroids? You haven’t said a word about these.

Yeah.  I forgot to mention them.  That’s what’s puffing up my face.  Dexamethasone is what the bottle says.  Isn’t that what those wrestlers take and it ends up making them way too bulky and some turn into killers?

I don’t think he’d give them to you if that happened.

I will be big and stwong.  These things make you beeeeeeeeg and strawwwwwwwwwng like Awnald Schwarzenegger.

What do they do for you?

They stop the swelling, and then they do something else.  Oh, they can help with feeling sick too.  But they can also make you gain weight and look like a He-Man.  So, that is not fun.  Let’s see.  Now that I’ve lost my hair, if I gain a hundred pounds, and my face keeps puffing up like this, I can become a WWF wrestler!

Good.  Good.  That’s so positive!  What’s WWF?

Oh, you are such an ignorant angel.  Never mind.  I was being sarcastic.  But that does lead me to a question.  Actually, I’ve wanted to talk about this for awhile, especially when I’m in a good mood.

It’s good to see you in a good mood.  What do you want to talk about?

Speaking of hot bodies…. Of which I have not anymore.  I want to talk about boys.

Boys? Oh, is that why you are in such a good mood?

Yeah.   And I want to talk about love.  I want to know all about love.

Are we going to be talking about Rick?  Don’t you have a girlfriend you can talk to about this stuff?

You know I don’t….  I never thought we’d end up not being friends.  Even when she got mad at me I didn’t think it would last this long.  I can’t talk to her.  Not now!  Not about Rick!!!  I have to talk to you.  Could we talk about love and I just won’t mention any names?  He is my boyfriend!  I’ve been thinking, if I end up dying, I will probably miss out on a lot, and I think that’s unfair.

You mean missing out on love?

Yes.  And all that comes with it.

What if you don’t die?

Oh.  Well.  It can’t hurt to know a few more things about love, can it?

Most people learn the hard way, I suppose.

That might be true, but I don’t have time for all of life’s lessons to just come to me.  Give me something to hold onto and think about right now.  Please.  I remember there was one story from the Bible we learned in Sunday school about this woman who was going to die, and she went with her friends into the mountains and celebrated her virginity or something before she died.  Maybe she mourned her virginity?  I can’t remember.  But that’s how I feel.  I don’t want to end up mourning my virginity.  Really!

So, do you want to talk or do you want me to give you permission to get…?

Shut up!  YOU are an evil angel.  That’s not what I’m talking about!  I want to know about love.  How do you know when you’re in love?  Isn’t it good to express love if you’re in it?  Just tell me something, anything about love.

OK.  I’m going to give it to you straight, but in a round about sort of way.

Great!

Love is a lot of things. There are all kinds of ways love is expressed.  Think about it.  There’s romantic love, passionate love, love between a mother and daughter, or parent and child, love between brothers and sisters and friends, and you can even love your dog, or love a good chocolate Sundae!  Love, in terms of say, what you might be interested in now, is pretty much nature’s way of getting you to do your part to keep the human species populating the planet.

Get out!  It’s more than that!

Wait.  I’m starting from the beginning here.  Bottom line, it’s easy to feel these hormonal blasts going off in your system and fall in love in seconds with people you find yourself physically attracted to.  This kind of falling in love is like smelling chocolate baking somewhere.  You just have to find it, and when you do, you must have it.

That’s a good example.  I love chocolate!  So life is like a box of chocolates after all?

I’m not sure I understand.

You are so pathetic.  You totally know what I’m talking about.  But love IS more than a sexual attraction, isn’t it?

Absolutely.  Falling in love is a very special part of life.  When you fall in love you feel as if you could live and grow with that person forever, and that no one has ever felt as good as you do when you are with the one you love.

Yes.  That’s so true….What’s wrong with that?  Sounds good!

There’s nothing wrong with that, because that’s where you start.  If you didn’t feel like that you would never get involved with someone.  If it was all work and no play, or all stark reality and no fantasy, you’d run the other way.

That’s pretty pessimistic!  You must have been burned in a few love-relationships over the centuries, huh?  Were you once on earth?  Did you fall in love?

This isn’t about my personal life.  But I suppose you won’t listen to me if you think I’m some kind of prissy angel who never experienced what it’s like to be in the world and in love.  People have so many silly ideas about angels.  Like, where did they get the idea angels are sexless beings?  Look that one up in your Bible.  The word “angel” just means “messenger” not “neutered toad!”  Yes.  I’ve been in love!  I’ve lived in the world and felt all the hormonal rush of youth and the passion of lovers and yeah, OK, I’ve been hurt by love too.

Wow.  It sounds like you have a story to tell.  Can you tell me? I really want to know.

Honestly?  That would be breaking the rules.  As your guardian angel I’m supposed to keep the focus on you and your life.

But I want to know!

I suppose I could tell you some sappy story about myself.  Like I could tell you I was in love once.  And I could tell you she was a princess and she and I were going to get married and let’s see, then she dumped me for some Robin Hood type and all that.  Or maybe it was me who was the Robin Hood type and she dumped me for the guy with all the land and loads of cash.  Does it really matter?  The point is, I loved.  In fact, I was one of those idealist poet types who fell in love more times than I can count.

No!

Yeah!  Truth is I never settled on anyone while I was on earth. Nothing seemed to work out.  But once you get up here it becomes a lot clearer what this whole love thing is about, like what real love is, and what’s possible, and I know this might sound crazy but it’s not too late for love once you become an angel.  Poets know it.  Lovers know it.  Love lasts forever.

Totally.

Yeah.  And people don’t get that and they misunderstand what angels are and what they can be, like people who die go to heaven and people in heaven are called angels. So like people are angels and angels are people and love, well, love is love!

Can angels love people?

Yes! Of course!

Can people love angels?

Yes!  What separates you and me right now is just the door between two worlds.  We’re all the same.  Just think of me as someone who has a head start on you because I happened to get here a little sooner than you did, and I’ve learned a lot since I’ve been here and my job is to quietly share that with you and lead you here.  But let me assure you that love goes on forever.  That’s what makes heaven heaven.  Can I get back to my original point now?

Wow!  After hearing that, I’m not sure what your original point was.  Sure.  Go on with your original point.  (Smile.)

I was talking about different kinds of love.  Where was I?   So it all starts out with a spark and then it turns into a flame, and all that romantic hormonal stuff.  But then real love has an opportunity to grow that, in a whole new way.  In fact, if you want true love, the kind that lasts forever, you must let it grow.

How?  What do you mean?

Real love is something that grows between people.  It is cared for, nurtured, supported, fought for, and even prayed for.  Real love isn’t something you just fall into.  It’s something you grow into together.  And you keep growing in it and it keeps growing in you.

Most of my friends are very pessimistic about love.  They like to have sex but don’t want to be hurt by caring too much.  That’s not what I’m interested in.  I’ve already been through that phase from “guys are gods” to “guys should all be castrated and wear shock collars.”  I do think some people make more out of sex than it should be.  I mean that’s all people talk about, whether it’s “don’t do it” or “this product will help you do it better” or “if you are going to do it, then use these” or “doing it just might kill you.”  I think love and sex go better together.  That’s why I’m asking you about it.

Love and sex do go better together.  That’s very wise of you.

It’s easy to be wise when you have nothing else to be.  But what about when you have a choice….  If I am going to die I want to know love.  I want to experience it from the very depths of my inner soul to every sensation of my body.  Remember, I’m very dramatic.  I want to feel it all!  I want to experience love inside and outside.  I think I’d appreciate life much more if I knew all about love and all the various features of love….

Life is what you make of it, Nicole.  That’s true with love too. The important thing to remember, and this is with any sort of thing you may call love, is it’s an incredible force for good.  Use it that way.  Use it responsibly, let it grow, nurture it, share it.  You see, love is not about you, it’s about someone else.  It’s about wanting someone else to be happy and fulfilled, and of course you want that back in return, but it’s really about how you can share yourself and your life with another for their happiness, as well as your own.  But they come first.  That’s what makes it LOVE with a capital L.

I’m not sure why you’re saying this.  If I’m in love I would assume I don’t have to worry about all those things.  Love is good, really good, just like you say.  So, I think expressing that love in all the different ways you can, would only be beautiful.

OK. Let’s talk about Rick.

I didn’t think you wanted to talk about him.

I decided we might as well get to the point.  Here’s the question, Nicole.  Are you in love with Rick?  I mean have you looked inside and asked yourself if this is about loving him or about using him to feel what love might be like?  Do you love him?

I do love him….FINE.  I don’t love him like that.  How come you know me so well?  It’s not fair!  I love him, just not with a capitol L.  But it’s still love with a little l.

OK.  There’s a significant difference between love with a little l and love with a capital L.  But I’m just telling you how I see it.  You don’t have to listen to me.

You’ve never liked Rick.

I like Rick.  He’s a really nice guy.  If you love Rick, well, maybe you should wait till you get better and not be so heavily involved with him, if you know what I mean.

So what if I die?

If you die?  You won’t die.  Do you believe me?  Love never dies.  Think about that one.  Love can never die.

Well what does that mean?  Like I can love after I die?  Do angels make love?

That’s a personal question.

Not really, I didn’t ask it about you.  Can I ask you a question along those lines?  I mean a personal question about love?

I’m not very comfortable with that.  But I guess so.

Do you love?

Of course, angels are like the epitome of love.  They are the love-beings of the universe.

I know that.  But can you love, like, you know?

Like, I don’t know.  What?

Love with a capital L!  Can you still fall in love?

Sigh.  Can you write that?  Sigh.  Thanks.  I think you’ve got me there, because I just explained that this falling in love is nature’s way of procreating the human race, but I suppose it’s more than that.  Can I fall in love?  I can.  I can because even if I’m called an angel I’m still human.  And human means more than just being frail, like you might say, “I’m only human!”  I can’t use that.  I mean angels are supposed to be beyond that.  I can’t even say, when I make a mistake, “I’m only an angel. What did you expect?”  All of this can turn into a real complex for the perfectionist-type angel.

You’re stalling.  You really get intellectual when pressed about some personal issue.

Hey.  I’m only an angel!

Hardy har har!  So, you CAN fall in love?

I can.

Then you really do know what I’m talking about.

I do. It’s human.  To be human is more than just being a creature of the earth.  To be human means to love.  We are children of the Great Loving Creative Force.

You mean God.

Yeah.  We’re created in the likeness of God, and that likeness is pure love.  We are human because God is HUMAN.  We love because God is LOVE.  It’s all about love.  Like John says, “All you need is love.”

John Lennon said that.  But I’m sure it’s in the Bible too.

Yeah well, you know, it’s true.  That’s why everybody says it.  So, yes, I can love.  I can love, because I’m human, just like you.

Do you love?

I do.  More than you could possibly imagine right now.

How much?  In what way?  Can you tell me?

Nicole!  I’m already in trouble breaking the rules talking about me rather than about you.  That’s all I can say right now or I might get reassigned to someone else if I keep saying things about myself.

Can you tell me?

Are you going to ignore me?

It’s for your own good.  And mine.

Oh, please!

by Susan A. Haid

Contemporary culture, the media, and society-at-large is full of conflicting messages for our teenagers, frequently delivering an exploitative, degrading and superficial model of sex and sexuality.   Now, more than at any other time in history, is when we need to support our kids in cultivating healthy relationships and balanced sexuality.  We need to be having conversations, on an ongoing basis, that aren’t about sex necessarily, these important discussions are about standards, boundaries, self-respect and self-worth.

How do we begin these talks?  Frankly, these conversations and messages to our children need to start when they are very young. Remember, the baseline conversation is not about sex, it is about self-respect and self-worth. This is also not a conversation about moral beliefs. Why? Because this is not about controlling or repressing our children’s nature desires, sexuality and self-expression.  This is about supporting our children in making choices that are firmly rooted in self-worth. We must help our kids understand what sexual and sensual feelings are, help them understand that these feelings and desires are natural and beautiful, and help them understand how to express them in a healthy way that honors them and leads to balanced, joyful and respectful relationships.

The foundation we can give our kids, that will evolve into healthy choices during the teen years and beyond, can be built upon the following principles:

1) Teach kids to respect and honor themselves, their thoughts, their feelings, their beliefs. Remove all fear-based teachings completely.   Teach kids to trust the authority within themselves rather than putting their power into an outside source.  When we teach a child to make choices that constantly please others, that please God, or that gives their power away to another person, this confuses them and disconnects them from doing what is best for themselves.  These traditional teachings prevent kids from making clear, conscious choices that honor their own being first.

2) Teach kids to take responsibility for their choices.  Their locus of control should be placed where it belongs to be effective, which is within themselves. Kids must learn to make choices and trust themselves in this process.  If they feel their life is controlled by an outside source alone, they will never take full responsibility for their choices and actions.

3) Teach kids to seek out relationships that are mutually honoring, compassionate and respectful. No games or manipulations allowed.  Safe, supportive, respectful relationships are the rule at all times.  If a child is in touch with their self-worth, this will happen naturally.  As parents, it is mandatory that we teach this by example.

4) Teach kids to get comfortable in their empowerment and their sovereignty: teach them to let go of dishonoring relationships and seek out relationships of a higher order.  Let kids know it is OK to terminate a relationship immediately that is dishonoring, disrespectful, unloving or unsafe.

5) Model these concepts yourself.   Accept only loving, honoring relationships in your own life. Create a safe space in your own life, in your own home, that has its roots in mutual honor and respect.   This is the rule to live by.

More than ever before, it is mandatory that we as parents guide our children and teens using a relationship model that goes beyond traditional rhetoric that attempts to control or repress developing sexuality in kids and teens. The truth is that these old modalities twist and damage our children’s sexual energy, leading to the development of dysfunctional sexual expression that kids carry throughout adulthood.  These old methods, based in morality teachings or fear/control-based beliefs, simply don’t work, and they do more damage than good.   The truth is that these old teachings result in extensive damage to a child’s developing sexuality.

The result is that the pendulum swings the other way; we then witness an eruption of dysfunctional, exploitative, and degrading sexual energies pervading our society.  This twisting of energies is seen not only in sexual expression alone, it is seen as acts of violence, oppression, manipulation and degradation of every kind.  This distortion has infected every institution and every governing body.  It is time we connected the dots here and cleaned this up, starting with our own families.  We are the only ones who can do it, you see.

It is time that we give our children new tools to live by, and we must choose them for ourselves first.

For more information about empowering your children, visit www.lilystruth.com for tools to help raise healthy, happy, successful kids.  Lily’s Truth was designed as a tool to support parents in raising amazing children.  Check it out!

Risk Factors For Teenage Suicide

Chances are that you may know someone or someone’s family who has suffered from a teenage suicide death. Alarmingly, for every one teenage suicide death that occurs, there are between 50-100 more attempts. Who are all of these adolescence who are seeking to take their own lives? Various studies have shown that certain teenagers are at higher risk than others when it comes to attempting suicide.

One of the largest risk factors for teenage suicide is Depression. Depression leads people to focus mainly on the negative aspects of life. A depressed person can start to feel despair, hopelessness, and think that there is no purpose for living. Teenagers who have untreated depression or a family history of depression are more likely to have suicidal tendencies than those who do not.

Teenagers with Bipolar disorder are at higher risk for attempting suicide. Extreme highs and lows can cause a person to have a distorted outlook on life. For teens with Bipolar disorder, it can be difficult to exercise good judgment and keep problems in perspective.

In addition psychological disorders, teenagers are more likely to attempt suicide if they have attempted it before. Repeat suicide attempts are common among teenagers, so intervention should occur quickly after a first attempt.

Teenagers who have been physically or sexually abused are at higher risk for attempting suicide. The trauma of the abuse often leads to depression and isolation. Often teenagers attempt suicide because they feel there is no other way to get past their mental anguish or escape the situation.

Teen sexuality can also be a factor, especially for gay or bisexual teenagers have a reportedly higher rate of depression that has been correlated to suicide attempts. This is more prevalent if the adolescent is not able to find acceptance among family and friends because of their sexual orientation.

Teenagers who use drugs and alcohol are also at higher risk for attempting suicide than those who do not. The self destructive behaviors of drug use and alcoholism are often warning signs that occur prior to a suicide attempt.

Finally, teenagers who lack a supportive network, have a poor relationship with their parents, struggle to be accepted by their peers, have a low self esteem,  or isolate themselves from others are at higher risk for suicide attempts.

Any teenager who is at a higher risk for suicide should be watched closely. Keeping an open line of communication and a close relationship are key components of preventing suicide attempts. However, it is also important to seek professional help if a teenager shows signs of depression or suicidal tendencies.

Recently I had a conversation with a parent of a young adult who is now out of the house, has chosen not to live according to his parents’ faith values, and who is in a new relationship. The father said, “I just told my son to be sure he was having protected sex.”

He felt powerless to challenge anything different.

So I want to stir up some good discussion here.

Watch Oprah’s show on Friday, on August 7th, 14 Years Old: They Say They’re Ready to Have Sex, a rerun, and you’ll quickly pick up a sense of the culture’s prevailing attitude about teen sex.

Related links on Oprah’s site:
Having the Sex Talk with Your Kids
Middle School Girls Talk About Sex

Contrast that with another discussion through Christianity Today’s August, 2009 article “The Case for Early Marriages.”

In this piece, Mark Regnerus says that abstinence pledges and courtship training may have left out teaching “young Christians how to tie the knot.” While some of his conclusions in his presented case for early marriages may or may not be the ultimate or only way to go, he brings up some interesting ideas to consider. (If you subscribe to the magazine, you can also read the three responses to Regenerus’s position, which add more interesting thoughts to the discussion.)

Read it all. Consider it.

Instead of feeling powerless as pastors, mentors, or parents of teens (or ignoring addressing the topic altogether), what can we do? What would help our children, teens, and young adults move in the healthiest way toward marriage with a God-honoring respect for the gift of sex and toward great relationships in marriage?

Please share your thoughts. But before you slap down a reaction, really consider the whole picture. I’ll be upfront and admit that this discussion is primarily targeted to those who have generally held to a faith-based perspective. What do you think God is calling us to? And how can we best help our youth get there?

And what advice would you have for the father I mentioned at the beginning? Is there an age when a parent should stop having influence on his child’s, albeit adult child’s, decisions about sex, relationships, and marriage?

Weigh in.

Recently I discovered an interesting and fantastic Blog/Website by Sarah Burningham.  She offers straight talk about teens – including those sensitive subjects that many parents will cringe with.  I love her blunt and direct advice and parenting tips.  Be sure to check it out – Sarah Burningham  is an Author and writes a column for ABC Family Website.

Let’s Talk about Sex…NOT the Birds and the Bees

By Sarah Burningham

While doing some research for my next writing project, I stumbled on an article in Time magazine called “How Should We Teach Our Kids About SEX?” (The article put “sex” in all caps – not me.)

Even though I mostly get questions from teens, I get some emails from parents, too. And the most common question in these parental emails deals with talking to their teenager (usually daughter) about sex. Not a surprise, really. Sex is a hot button topic.

My favorite line from the Time article is, “Just Do It. Just Say No. Just Wear a Condom. When it comes to sex, the message to America’s kids is confused and confusing.” That says it all. If parents are confused and grappling with how to talk about sex, how is a teenager supposed to feel comfortable going to her mom or dad with questions? (And every teenager I know has questions.)

So, I wanted to send one word of advice to all the parents out there: TALK.

I know every family is different. Some parents want their teens to wait until marriage. Some just want their teens to be safe. Others (like my father) would rather not think about sex at all when it comes to their daughters. (Although, kudos to my parents for talking to my anyway.)

But no matter how you feel, you must TALK. Your teenager is listening. And your teenager is smart. She doesn’t need you to beat around the bush. What do the birds and the bees have to do with it, anyway? The first time I heard the phrase “heavy petting” I thought of a petting zoo. Literally – goats, cows, the works. Yes, I got the real meaning eventually, but I wish my mom would have just been straight with me from the get-go. Dating and figuring yourself out as a teenager is complicated enough. No need to throw terms like “petting” into the mix.

So instead of having one formal sit-down conversation in 5th grade to cover all the bases (BAD) or ignoring the subject completely (WORSE), open up to the idea that the sex talk is ongoing. And then do it. Talk.

Follow Sarah on Twitter @SarahBurningham

Pardes, Bronwen. Doing It Right:  Making Smart, Safe and Satisfying Choices About Sex.

New York, New York. Simon Pulse. 2007. 144p.

In this straightforward book about sex, teenagers will get just the facts.   This is a resource for teens that is not judgmental in any way, and its intent is to simply help teens make the most informed decisions about their sexuality that they possibly can.  It’s refreshingly frank and does not sugar coat or leave out any important details and covers everything from experimentation and masturbation to birth control, pregnancy and abortion, to LGBTQ, orgasms and rape.  Every topic is given adequate attention and many times there is a myth:fact or question:answer section within the chapter to cover more aspects of the topic.  There are a plethora of resources listed in the back that includes many of the subject areas discussed and includes both websites and books.

This is a very informative book, written very informally and is not preachy at all.  I think teens will love this book, and although the information is delivered in a very easy to understand way, the author never talks down to her intended audience and the respect she has for teens and their own decisions concerning their own body is evident.   Her mission is to simply give teens the best information out there concerning sexual activity and their body.  That being said, she certainly highlights the risks of unprotected sex and the chapters on birth control preventing pregnancy and birth control preventing sexually transmitted diseases are the two longest in the book, both numbering at 17 pages.  Above all the author stresses safety in whatever teens decide to do, and she believes that informed teens will make better decisions.  I think this is a great book for teens.  

5Q, 4P, J S 

I think teens 15 years and older will enjoy reading this book.

The large font of the title shouting out its double entendre dominates most of the cover, which I can’t help but think appeals to the guys, while the pictures of teen couples on the bottom is appealing to girls.  The trendy blue/green color scheme works together to produce a fresh and enticing cover.

Tags:

• Too Good to be True Nonfiction
• Teen sexuality
• LGBTQ
• Sex
• Birth control
• STDs
• Rape

The second book in the Live Free series has received a finalist nomination for the Christian Retailers Choice Awards in the Youth/Teen category. Winners will be announced this coming Monday, July 13, during the International Christian Retail Show (ICRS) in Denver.

An excerpt from the press release:

CINCINNATI – July 1, 2009 – Standard Publishing is pleased to recognize its two finalist nominations for the 2009 Retailers Choice Awards, which will be announced Monday, July 13, during the International Christian Retail Show (ICRS) in Denver.  Author Jan Kern’s book Seduced by Sex: Saved by Love (2008), from Kern’s “Live Free” series, was nominated in the Youth/Teen category . . .

Seduced by Sex: Saved by Love, the second in the “Live Free” series for young adults, deals with sexual promiscuity. In each book in the series, Kern tells us the true account of a Christian teenager dealing with a serious problem or addiction. The story unfolds in chapters that read like a novel, interspersed with chapters offering wise counsel and help for struggling teens and those who love them.

In Seduced by Sex: Saved by Love, Kern introduces us to Suzy, who gave herself sexually to her first boyfriend, then lived increasingly promiscuously seeking popularity and acceptance until she nearly lost her life as she spiraled into despair.

This is the second honor for Kern, whose first book in the “Live Free” series, Scars that Wound: Scars that Heal (2007), about self-injury, was nominated in 2008 for Book of the Year by the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association. The third book in the series, Eyes Online: Eyes on Life (2008) is about Internet addictions.  

Finally, school is out, and you’re ready to pack up and move to the beach.  Or take a trip across the country.  Or enjoy a beautiful stay-cation.  Whatever your summer plans, I’m sure you’re lusting for some new reading to enjoy along the way.  Luckily, June brings us several new titles that are sure to keep your reading muscles  sustained this summer.  Here are some of my favorites:

The Waters & the Wild by Francesca Lia Block
Francesca Lia Block is one of my favorite writers for a reason – her smart, poetic prose easily transports you to an alternate reality, layering real issues with surreal context.  In her latest, we explore the possibilities of a doppelganger, as thirteen-year-old Bee has begun to see herself at night, claiming to be the real her.  Turning to the weird kid at school, Haze (he’s rumored to believe he’s an alien) she discovers that she might not belong in L.A. – in more ways than one.  Picking up Sarah, a street-singer with a gorgeous voice who believes she’s a reincarnated slave girl, the trio embark on a mission to save Bee, and to understand their own realities.  Like Block’s other works, The Waters & the Wild is tightly written, with an ethereal feeling that leaves you feeling pleasantly disoriented.  Don’t miss this wonderful opportunity to be enchanted.

Fairy Tale by Cyn Balog
Morgan Sparks and Cam Browne are the high school couple.  They’ve known each other since birth, and loved each other just as long.   With a love this strong, nothing should be able to break them up.  But what they don’t anticipate is right before their shared 16th birthday, Pip shows up.  Pip claims to be the real son of the Brownes, stolen away by fairies at birth and traded for Cam, a changeling. But now the fairies want Cam back, and no conceivable plot can stop them.  This wonderful love story is bittersweet, with characters that really come to life on the page.  The reality of high school politics has never been simple, and Cyn Balog delivers a believable environment, even with the supernatural elements involved.  Fans of Carrie Jones and Melissa Marr will enjoy this fun summer read.

Hancock Park by Isabel Kaplan
I can’t believe this stunning debut novel was written by an eighteen-year-old!  Our heroine, Becky Miller, is an average girl with an above-average life.  She goes to an elite L.A. high school, and appears to be living the dream.  And, aside from her struggles with mental health, Becky is mostly okay with being average.  She has her best friend, Amanda, to lean on.  But when Amanda moves to New York and Becky’s parents split up, it turns out that junior year will be tougher than predicted.  To make matters worse, her shrink has just gotten in trouble for prescribing Becky way too much medication.  On the bright side, the Trinity – the school’s most elite clique – have their eye on Becky.  Before she knows it, Becky is popular.  But of course this comes with strings attached – Becky can’t be the public brainiac she used to be, or hang out with drama-geek Taylor, who might be her only real friend now that Amanda’s gone.  With her self-worth dwindling, Becky has choices to make.  Can she find her old self, or is the new Becky the real Becky after all?  In stark contrast to the no-consequences world of Gossip Girl, Hancock Park is a strong, fulfilling addition to teen literature.  I can’t recommend this enough to girls who want to read about the glam life, but don’t want to ditch the real life altogether.  I’m looking forward to seeing more novels from Isabel Kaplan.

Touch by Francine Prose
This distressing, sad, but ultimately hopeful novel captured me instantaneously.  Maisie’s story is unfortunately similar to things we hear of happening at high schools around the country, but what I love about this particular telling is that it captures Maisie as a person, not simply as a victim.  Having spent all her life three boys for best friends, Maisie never expected these boys to betray her in this terrible way.  Returning from a year out west with her mother, she’s come home hoping that her old friends will embrace her once again.  But growing up changes things.  For one thing, Maisie has boobs now, and the boys suddenly realize that Maisie isn’t one of them.  Nothing will ever be the same – especially after they touch her on the back of the bus.  Francine Prose’s non-linear narrative follows Maisie as she works through what happened – “the incident” -  with her therapist, deals with her ego-maniacal stepmother, and recalls the reasons she didn’t stay with her mom in Wisconsin.  Elegantly and tactfully written, Touch absolutely an important, thought-provoking book for teens, as well as a captivating read.

Many of you probably read the Becky’s post about the documentary “Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss”. In the article that that post was based off of, they state that “more than half of all teens 15 to 19 years old have engaged in oral sex, according to a comprehensive 2005 study by the Centers for Disease Control’s National Center for Health Statistics”. In this article and the documentary that is profiled therein they claim that this statistic is evidence of a new more “casual attitude” towards sexual encounters. But this isn’t news. At least not to anyone who’s been studying the field of human sexuality. This week while reading “The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls” by Joan Jacobs Brumberg, I came across this little gem.

By 1979, a California study revealed that a third of fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds, and almost half of seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds, had either given or received oral-genital stimulation. (169)

Through some detective work, I managed to find the actual data from the 2005 CDC study. They found that 55% of teens ages 15-19 had participated in oral sex. Although I don’t have the exact numbers from the 1979 study, “almost half” must be at least in the mid-40% range or higher. If we really wanted to compare these data we would also have to control for the age differences (the 2005 study goes up to age 19 while the other only goes up to 18). The data seem to support the idea that the older a teen is, the more likely they are to have had oral sex, so the difference between the 2005 study and the 1979 one may be at least partially explained by the fact that 19-year-olds are more likely to have had oral sex than teens 18 and under. In short, it seems that the number of teens engaging in oral sex has actually remained fairly stable since the late 1970s. I would venture to guess that there was some period between the 1920s and the 70s when the percent of teens engaging in this behavior was increasing much more rapidly than it is currently. That is not to say that some of the other behaviors mentioned in the article and the documentary are not increasing, just that this one statistic is not news.

If anyone is curious, here is the location of the 1979 study:
Haas, Aaron. Teenage Sexuality: A Survey of Teenage Sexual Behavior. New York: Macmillan, 1979. ISBN 0-02-548930-5.

Haas’s study was also cited in:
Newcomer, Susan F. and J. Richard Udry, “Oral Sex in an Adolescent Population,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 14.1 (February 1985): 41-6.

You can read the entire CDC study here.

Last week I introduced Candies’ ads regarding teenage pregnancy, and the main thrust of the argument (sorry, couldn’t resist)  has to do with the fact that girls should just not get pregnant, should use birth control or simply abstain.  In this discussion, as in all other about human sexuality, I ask the same question:  what about the men?  Are teenage boys just not expected to be fathers?  Does our society and culture excuse them from this duty?  Because biologically, whenever a teenage girl gets pregnant, her teenage boyfriend is the father, so why isn’t he held socially responsible?

There is a vile form of gender discrimination any time our culture speaks about parenting in the form of worshipping the mother and sidelining the father.  I get annoyed about this for a multitude of reasons, but the one that is most glaring is the issue of responsibility to the progeny.  Why would we consider that fathers aren’t important, teenaged or otherwise?  Why would women have to be the single parents here?  It seems a blatant form of discrimination.

Jenny McCarthy’s ad practices this in a diabolical way with Jenny handing the baby to the girl,and the boy trying to exit the car.  So the message is that all teenage boys are irresponsible jerks who won’t be  held responsible?  Vampire Jenny doesn’t swoop down and attack the boy for leaving the car, the camera focuses on the teenaged girl looking scared with a crying baby.  What gives, Jenny, why not focus on the boy?  Are teenaged pregnancies merely “starter kids” for the teenagers?  Does this make teenaged boys all sexual predators who just want to impregnate their partners and leave?

Look at the ad for teenage pregnancy above there, and do you see a father in it?  By using this type of propaganda, our society continually reinforces the idea that teenaged girls will be punished for their sexuality with babies, and left alone to raise them because we won’t hold the fathers responsible.  Last time I checked, it takes two to tango, except if you are single-celled organism.  If we are so evolved, why are we missing the other half of the parenting equation?

Related articles by Zemanta

• Candies says:”Just because you are wearing high heel sexy shoes, you obviously should not have a baby…” (unaskedadvice.wordpress.com)
• Jenny McCarthy: The Candie’s Foundation:Creepy Teen Sexuality Talk: Let’s blame the teenage boys for all pregnancy issues and hand the girls the baby (unaskedadvice.wordpress.com)
• Teenage fathers still get off scot-free (guardian.co.uk)

A survey by Seventeen Magazine and O, the Oprah Magazine has given us some very interesting insights into the sexual activity of middle school and junior high students.  Yes, that is what I said- middle school and junior high! Now understand we should be teaching our children the biblical concept of sex inside of marriage!  But sex is a huge battleground that a lot of our students are giving in to the pressures and it can cause all kinds of issues, both long-term and short-term.

Here are a few stats from the survey:

- Three-quarters of teen girls who have lost their virginity say they have engaged in sex without protection and that most moms are not even aware of it
- 14% of mothers suspected their teen daughter had engaged in oral sex; nearly 30% of teen girls 15-18 years old have engaged in oral sex
- By age 12, 12 percent of students have engaged in vaginal intercourse, many of which say that it has been done without protection.

Now let’s be honest-many of the moms reading this are scared to death. This shows how important it is to have open dialogue with your teenager…or even earlier!

Now here are some (sort of) positive stats to encourage you:

- 3 in 5 teen girls said that “the talk” with their mothers has influenced their sexual choices “positively”
- Girls who talk to their moms about sex are half as likely to get pregnant
- About one quarter of the teen girls that talked with their moms stated that the conversation has made them wait

Listen, the whole point is that your teenager is going to find out about sex.  Don’t be the last one to talk with them about it!

If you want to read the entire article about this survey, click here

National surveys have estimated that one in 3 U. S. teens experiences dating abuse at some point during their teens. These incidents range from a slap on the cheek to homicide. Break the Cycle and other advocacy groups say too many states do not treat dating violence with appropriate seriousness. Sheryl Cates, CEO of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline calls attention to how difficult it is to deal with this challenging issue. “If you’re a parent, you want to know if your child is in danger, but on the other hand, teams won’t be anonymity, to not have to tell their parents,” she said. “It’s very complicated, trying to find a balance between a victims rights and parents right to know.”

Sometimes it is crucial for teens to be able to seek protective orders on their own. They may have strained relations with their parents or come from a home where domestic violence already is occurring.  Kristine Korobov, an attorney with National Center for the Prosecution of Violence against Women, says is important in such instances for courts to provide an attorney or other expert to guide the user through the legal process.

This is further evidence of how sexually toxic our society has become your children. My Parents First Program is designed to help parents begin a dialogue with their children about sex when the child is very young. Opening the subject between parents and children enables parents to provide the protection of information that properly warns young people about the risks of dating violence.  You can learn more about this program at: www.teachthetruthaboutsex.com.

The Center for Disease Control took another look at the statistics from an earlier study of 838 teenage girls.  Here is what they found. Only about half of the girls in the study acknowledged having sex. Of course, many teens define having sex as intercourse. However, genital petting and oral sex can spread some diseases.

Among the girls acknowledged having sex 40% had a sexually transmitted disease. The STD rate among the 838 girls in the study was 26%. Applied nationally, this translates to more than 3 million girls.  18% of the girls tested carry the human papilloma virus or HPV. This virus can cause cervical cancer and can be a serious threat to a young woman’s desire to have a baby in the future.

There is no way of knowing how many of these teenage girls came from homes where their parents were able to talk to them about sex. Most parents know they should be the primary sex educators of their children, but because they grew up in homes where their parents did not talk to them about sex, they don’t know how.  This is a need my Parents First is designed to meet. Check it out at: www.teachthetruthaboutsex.com

A fourteen year-old girl has been charged for creating and distributing child pornography of — wait for it — herself. She posted nearly thirty explicit nude pictures on MySpace. Moreover, if the charges stick, she could be forced to register as a sex offender. Also, it seems prosecutors all over the U.S. are pursuing child pornography cases which involve children sending nude photos to one another over mobile phones and email. Click here for the full story.

To be fair to law enforcement officials, practically-speaking, investigating the MySpace photos and the crack-down on kids sending nude pictures to each other makes total sense. After all, adult child-pornographers could use teens as fronts for their distribution networks, if law enforcement simply ignore child to child file sharing. So, from this perspective, it may seem like they need to charge the child with some offense to investigate the situation properly and to help convince the child to turn-over the adult child-pornographer — if there is one. In the same way you charge the prostitute to get the pimp, maybe you need need to charge the victim of child pornography to get the real culprit.

Even so, on my view, charging the child of an offense is unjust. If person A is insufficiently competent to consent legally to sexual activity or to participate in pornography, how can she be sufficiently competent to be held criminally responsible for creating and distributing pornographic images of herself. In U.S. law, only obscene forms of expression — relative to a particular community’s standards — are illegal. It seems also, from the little bit of research I’ve done, that there must be some kind of obscene intent in its production — that is, it is smut for smut’s sake, and not a part of some other acceptable objective (a coming of age story, perhaps). Is a child really in the position to know and understand what a community’s obscenity standards are?

This question becomes even more relevant when it seems the adults responsible for enforcing these laws don’t really seem to know those standards either. In a separate incident, Wyoming County district attorney George Skumanick Jr. is trying to force two girls into a five-week after-school program and put them on probation because they were involved in the production and distribution of images he presumably takes to be lewd or obscene. In fact, he has indicated that his office could have filed charges against the girls, including “sexual abuse of children in Pennsylvania, criminal [use] of a communications facility, or open lewdness,” What happened? The girls had their pictures taken in their bras and they were distributed over mobile phones without their consent. For details, click here. 

The crux of problem with this trend of charging children for the crime of making and distributing child pornography is that it comes at a time when popular culture is hyper-sexualizing adolescents and also routinely rewards celebrities for putting their own sexuality on display. Ultimately, these are just kids playing “doctor” (or “celebutante”) who also happen to have access to the means of world wide electronic distribution. If minors can experiment with their sexuality with other minors without criminal penalty, presumably they should go criminally unpunished if they also happen to create and distribute images of that activity. As one thoughtful commentator suggested, the kids would probably feel much more punished if their punishment was to take away their mobile phones and internet access. Being charged with a “criminal” act, which they have no reason to understand fully, will not likely count as much of a learning moment. 

Notice also, on this understanding of the situation, adults who come into possession of child pornography created by children will have no right to claim immunity from prosecution because it was created by children. After all, an adult is rightly presumed to understand that community standards always judge sexually explicitly images of children to be obscene and, therefore, illegal. 

Of course, if this conclusion is true, it still leaves open the possibility of adult exploitation. Don’t law enforcement workers need some kind of leverage to properly investigate potentially criminal pornographic images of children?  Of course, but charging a child with an unjust law — even if only to force him or her to reveal the identity of an adult exploiter — is itself exploitation. Remember, the whole point of these laws is to prevent exploitation. Exploitation done in the name of rooting out exploitation is still exploitation and, when it comes to children, it is rightly prohibited and always avoided. That’s why these laws exist — or that’s why they should exist — in the first place.

For more of my social and political commentary, click here.

Teens Who Abstain from Sex

Do teenage girls have a skewed view of reality when it comes to guys, lasting love and marriage? Recent data from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy seem to suggest so. Do we talk about this enough with our daughters, nieces or friends? It looks like our nation’s teens need more of a reality check about their future love lives.

Teen pregnancy is not a new issue, nor is unwed pregnancy. But marriage rates for this group are changing dramatically. The breakup of Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston is very typical of what most unwed teens are facing. What do teens hope for and expect when they become pregnant? How does that differ from the reality of what usually happens? Among teens who do marry, what are the odds they’ll stay together?

Here are some facts that the National Campaign just reported:

• At the time of their child’s birth, more than half of unmarried teen mothers say they are either “certain” or chances are “good” they will marry the biological father of the child. However, 8 out of 10 fathers don’t ever marry the teen mother of their child.
• Despite high expectations of marriage, fewer than 8% of teen mothers marry their baby’s father within one year of the birth of their child.
• Teenagers who have a non-marital birth are also significantly less likely to be married by the age of 35 than those who do not have babies as teens.
• Marriage among teens is rare—in 2002 only 2.5% of teens had ever been married, compared to 11% in 1975.
• As recently as 1980, the majority of teen births (52%) were marital births. By 2002, only 20% of teen births occurred within marriage.
• Teen marriages are twice as likely to fail as marriages in which the woman is at least 25 years old.
• It is also the case that most single mothers of all ages who have a child as a result of an unplanned pregnancy remain single and most cohabitating mothers either continue cohabitating or break up with their partner.

“Marriage and birth patterns among teens have changed over time, shifting from a general trend of marrying before pregnancy, to marrying as a result of pregnancy, to becoming pregnant and not marrying,” said Sarah Brown, CEO of The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. “Even though many unmarried teen mothers have high expectations for eventually marrying the father of their child, few ever do.”

According to this data, teen girls may have a fairy tale view of their futures with their boyfriends, which ends up to be far from reality. Whatever your views on teenage sexuality, teenage pregnancy or even marriage, the ones most at risk as a result of these trends are the resulting children, who are shown to thrive best in an intact family. (Previous posts detail lower poverty rates, better health outcomes, etc.) As a society, we all bear the responsibility of helping shape the next generation. While it may not be our legal responsibility to help care for the precious children who result from teen pregnancies, not doing so will only exacerbate problems for the following generation, financially and morally. These children will grow up to be your next door neighbors and possibly your children’s spouses.

How are you communicating your values to the next generation? How are you reaching out to help young mothers trying to care for children alone? How are you raising up the next generation of young men to care for and love their families? How can you use your life experience to help educate others?

Source: National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy

Not only is sexting an epidemic, according to several media sources, but it’s also constitutionally protected speech, according to the American Civil Liberties Union.

Wrong, media. There’s no epidemic. Statistics this low don’t lie. Wrong, ACLU. The Constitution doesn’t talk about freedom of anything but speech.

The ACLU sued to block a Pennsylvania district attorney from filing child pornography charges against three teens on the grounds the cell phone snapshots are protected by the First Amendment. Wyoming County District Attorney George Skumanick offered 17 other students a deal, allowing them to attend a 10-hour sexual violence and pornography class rather than facing prosecution.

The New York Times reported three female students weren’t interested in the deal, which is how the ACLU lawsuit comes into play. It alleges the students’ First and Fourth Amendment rights have been violated, the Fourth Amendment violations being from the school finding the photos after confiscating the students’ cell phones.

There’s a simple three-point solution to this problem: 1) prosecutors stop filing charges against stupid kids unless it’s actually child pornography, 2) the ACLU stops pretending stupid kids exposing themselves to each other through technology is free speech and 3) kids stop being stupid.

Unfortunately, this plan will probably never be realized. Reasonable people will recognize that, even if prosecutors stop being overzealous and the ACLU reigns in the litigation, teens will always be stupid.

Obviously the potential consequences of sending out racy pictures doesn’t sink in to every adolescent’s brain. Anybody with common sense knows cell phones can get lost or stolen, pictures can be forwarded, intercepted or posted online, and relationships can end badly in a second.

But it shouldn’t be law enforcement’s job to punish juvenile indiscretions of that nature, and the ACLU shouldn’t have to cry “free speech” for things that aren’t a constitutional issue.

One of these days, kids are just going to have to learn to keep it to themselves. Few people want to see you naked on the Internet, and you probably don’t want the ones who do to see that sort of thing.

A Huntington Beach mom was upset by MTV producers soliciting her daughter to apply to be on “Sex … with Mom and Dad,” the show in which Dr. Drew Pinsky is supposed to help parents and teens feel (more? barely? somewhat?) comfortable talking to each other about … well, you know.

Julie Norton told the Orange County Register the Huntington Beach Pier is unsafe for families and the fact that MTV producers wanted to discuss her daughter’s sex life with the teen “sickens” her. Norton plans to ask city officials to stop MTV from distributing fliers and surveying teens. Officials have already told the newspaper they cannot regulate producers’ fliers because the pier is a public forum.

Show me a mom who gets hostile toward benign, voluntary surveys, and I’ll show you a mom who has never talked to her teenage daughter about sex. (Hint: it’s the same crazy woman.) It’s not as if her daughter could have brought her on the show without her knowledge.

It’s hard to believe how closeted, restricted and regulated sexuality is in America when it’s obviously an issue in several ways: teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and rape and sexual assault, to name a few. Case in point: the top-grossing NC-17 film of all time, “Showgirls,” earned less than 4 percent of what “The Dark Knight” did at the American box office. (I’m not saying the two are anywere near each other in regards to quality, but it’s a poignant compairson of a highly sexual film to a highly violent one.)

I don’t believe Norton would have been as upset by MTV’s producers if she had an open dialogue with her daughter about sexual issues. The fact that she takes the producers’ soliciting of 16- to 19-year-olds – I’m guessing they estimate by sight and aren’t out there checking IDs before handing out applications – as an affront to families’ safety says a lot about what’s going on in her own.

MTV has its share of awful, exploitative shows: “My Super Sweet 16,” “From G’s to Gents,” “Paris Hilton’s New BFF,” “A Shot at Love,” “A Shot at Love 2,” “NEXT,” “The Hills,” “The X Effect” … basically the majority of its “reality” shows. And although “Sex … with Mom and Dad” isn’t completely free from the overtones of MTV exploitation – rowdy, sexually out-of-control teens ready to air their dirty (literally) laundry with mom and dad – it at least took a stab at helping its subjects, too.

Maybe the teens and parents don’t need to engage in tell-all sessions like this mother and son who took each other on a walking tour of the location of a memorable sexual experience, but communication about sex has to start somewhere. Abstinence-only sex education isn’t helping kids, if they’re getting sex education in school at all.

Parents have to step in – even if it’s uncomfortable – and be their kids’ most accessible authority on sexual health issues, such when sex is appropriate, preventing STDs and pregnancy, and the repercussions of irresponsible sexuality. They don’t have to teach them new moves or compare notes with the latest issue of Cosmo, but teens shouldn’t have to drag their parents onto a TV show to get the conversation started.