I bought this book for just the one story – Sadie When She Died by Ed McBain. This collection of stories – one each of some of the most memorable crimebusters on television (and some not so well-known ones too) – would’ve been a sheer delight were it not for one minor but very irritating flaw. Some of the entries are merely excerpts, so where you are expecting an enjoyable short story the book badly lets you down by moving onto the next tale at just the point when the narration has got really interesting. Still, there are a few complete stories and those are good ones, including the aforementioned. Overall this is a good collection with with introductions in Peter Haining’s usual style. The stories – complete or incomplete – are those that one wouldn’t commonly find elsewhere.

Sadie When She Died, which is my reason for procuring this book, is a top-notch short story by Ed McBain, who’s 87th Precinct police procedurals are exemplary examples of this niche genre. The story included here is in his classic style, about a lady who gets murdered when she catches a burglar in his act. However, it all looks too easy and Detective Carella is convinced there’s more to it than meets the eye. How he bets on his intuition & wits to guide him to the real culprit makes this a very enjoyable story – voted one of the Top 100 crime stories of all time in one of the popular lists.

Jim Cramer, Dann Florek, Chris Noth, Dick Wolf

Set to “Shaft” by Isaac Hayes
Who’s the uber-producer who made Chris Noth
a sex machine with all chicks?
Wolf! You damn right!
Who’s the uber-producers with L&O episodes
dominating all the programming hours on TNT?
Wolf!
Can ya dig it?
Who’s the producer who made us all want to be the body discoverer
Wolf!
Right on!
That Dick Wolf is one bad moth-
shut yo mouf!
I’m talking about Dick Wolf
He’s very prolific man
and you better not ask him for money. (Dick Wolf)

cast of ABC's gritty cop drama 'Detroit 187'

The best way to tell a television cop is overrated is by the amount of time other TV cops spend explaining to newbie cops and the audience just how fabulous the puffed up and arrogant veteran is. The best way to tell a tv cop is underrated: generally speaking, she’s a woman.

Underrated

5. Lt. Randy Disher – Monk – played by Jason Gray-Stanford

Despite being somewhat mentored byCaptain Stottlemeyer, Randy cannot get any respect. He serves as the butt of 75% of the jokes, is often shown as bumbling and overeager, when in reality he’s a pretty decent detective. In fact, this came to light in a seven season episode where Stottlemeyer was out with back pain and Randy ran the squad far more efficiently and professionally than the Captain ever did. It should also be noted that Randy never attempted to interrogate a chimp. That was all Captain Stottlemeyer.

4. Det. Terri Stivers – Homicide: Life on the Street – played by Toni Lewis

Terri Stivers was the clean up cop of the Baltimore Police Department. She did rotations in Burglary, Sex Crimes and Narcotics. It was through her work with the Narcotics unit that she came in contact with Det. Lewis and Det. Kellerman whose appearance in her life would dramatically and irreparably damage her career. She was a strong, tough cop without being a strong black lady trope. Stivers railed against the departments later female hiring choices, but was always respectful to fellow female officers, particularly H:LOTS fave and long suffering beat cop, Sgt. Sally Rogers!

3. Det. Victor Huntley – Damages – played by Tom Noonan

The New York Times described Det. Victor Huntley like this: “He gives off the air of a man who feels underestimated and condescended to by people with higher status.” (source). This is definitely the case. Huntley is quirky and brilliant like Goren, but not snotty, smug or false. Both characters cut an imposing figure, but only Huntley’s desire to disarm the power of his size feels authentic. In the case of Goren, his whisper-y, awkward vocal pattern comes across as a ruse or hustle. Huntley, on the other hand, just comes across as eccentric, interesting and complex. Please give this character his OWN SHOW asap!!!

2. Det. Sgt Nick Yemana – Barney Miller – played by Jack Soo

Until recently, portrayals Asian detectives who weren’t chained and padlocked inside a forensics lab or the medical end of crime-solving were few and far between. Also, where are the ladies? Don’t direct me to Grace Park. They done jacked up her Hawaii Five-O character big time. Tasking her with looking foxy and not much else! Back in the day, Nick Yemana was a great cop who had earned his right to make nasty, undrinkable dishwater coffee, read the paper and occasionally answer the phone – sometimes he’d even take a message. Sure he didn’t like to file reports or organize files (who does – Barney didn’t either) but he was always adept at handling the low level criminal element who populated the squad room. Of course he was most memorable for eating the “pot brownies” Wojo accidentally brought to the squad one morning. Mushi, mushi mushi!

1. Det. Sgt. Kay Howard – H:LOTS – played by Melissa Leo

What does a chica have to do to get some damn respect? It’s not enough to have the highest clearance rate of the department. It’s not enough to score one of the highest score on the Sgt’s exam or solve a crime while visiting family in the sticks. It’s not even enough to get shot in the line of duty and recover! Nobody was as bad ass as Howard – not even Pembleton. They didn’t have to be. Kay Howard had a dogged determination when it came to putting down her cases. Unlike most of her fellow detectives – and later subordinates – she rarely let the job rob her of her humanity. Howard was often praised for her accomplishments. She was often called a “good detective” but rarely was she ever called a “great detective”, which she in fact was. One of the best ever.

Honorable Mentions: Hunter, Chris Cagney, Marybeth Lacey, Det. Ed Green, Det. Ray Curtis, Det. Stan “Big Man” Bolander, Captain Barney Miller, Ranger Trivette

Overrated

Keep in mind, inclusion here says nothing about the actor’s performance as the character, just the character him/herself. For example, Dr. Gregory House is a pretty lousy person, but Hugh Laurie is an incredible actor. In fact, every single actor listed below is one whose work I thoroughly enjoy, even if I sass the television whenever one of their characters I don’t like appears on the screen. Catch my drift?

5. Det. Frank Pembleton – H:LOTS – played by Andre Braugher – for someone with a lot of red names (unsolved cases) on the board, Pembleton was sure pretty smug. In addition he had to sweat confessions in the box because he wasn’t as patient as someone like Lewis or Howard and he wasn’t as humble about his skill set as Munch or Bayliss. Pembleton was a great detective, brilliant, focused and methodical, but I wouldn’t want to be partnered with him.

4. Det. Olivia Benson – Law & Order: SVU – played by Mariska Hargitay – When she’s not being overly snotty, dismissive or flat out unpleasant, she’s telling folks with lived experiences she doesn’t even have what their lived experiences are like. Maybe she closes a lot of cases, but it often seems at the expense of fostering understanding. Benson often conflates speaking for people with being an advocate.

3. Det. Bobby Goren – Law & Order: CI – played by Vincent D’Onofrio – Don’t get me wrong; Bobby gets results, but at what cost to him or others? His judgment isn’t what I would consider good, but his instincts, which he lives by, are pretty stellar. Still, he wasn’t always as loving towards his mama Rita Moreno as I would have liked, which is 90% of why he’s on this list. Who wouldn’t prefer the company of an EGOT winner? That’s messed up, Bobby!

2. Det. Louis Fitch – Detroit 187 – played by Michael Imperioli – Despite seeing a handful of episodes of the freshman series, I’m still unclear as to what’s so fantabulous about the gruff, grunty Det. Fitch. Since he’s not particularly forthcoming with the conversation, I’m left to rely on what is constantly being said about him, which feels very “Have you heard about that Fünke?” to me. I ain’t stud’n you, Christopher!

1. Det. Vic Mackey – The Shield – played by Michael Chiklis – Oh sure, Mackey gets results, but if you experienced Los Angeles: The Rampart Years up close and personal, it’s not likely you’d wish to revisit them via this character, who looks like one of those thuggish chowerheads. I recall the prayer many of my friends and I would say before embarking on an evening at the clubs, “Lord, if god forbid, I have to get pulled over, mugged or anything else, let it happen in West Los Angeles or Beverly Hills. Please don’t let it occur within the jurisdictional reach of the Rampart division!”

Honorable Mentions: – James “Sonny” Crockett, Det. Andy Sipowitz, Captain Donald Cragen, Det. Zack Nichols, Columbo, Det. Arthur Dietrich

What’s your list look like?

CAST Danny “Danno” Williams: Scott Caan , Detective Chin Ho Kelly: Daniel Dae Kim, Steve McGarrett: Alex O’Loughlin, Kono Kalakaua: Grace Park

The updated Hawaii Five-0 premiered last night bringing more stylized banality to a network television schedule already stocked to the ceiling with it. As a result, while being fairly entertaining and keeping some elements of the beloved original, the update also manages to undo much of what made the original so iconic. Turns out it takes more than dazzling scenery or bombastic theme music; it takes actor who can convince you he’s Steve McGarrett. Here’s a tidbit I probably don’t have to tell you: O’Loughlin ain’t Steve McGarrett. O’Loughlin’s McGarrett is stripped of anything approaching critical thinking skills, which are then replaced by bravado combining elements of James “Sonny” Crockett, Thomas Magnum and for some inexplicable reason TJ Hooker. When the elements are synthesized – minus the charm or cheek of those characters – it seems criminal the character is called Steve McGarrett.

In contrast, it’s nice seeing Danno Williams finally gets some propers. Scott Caan’s portrayal of Danno is funny without being silly, though I do miss Danno’s wide-eyed eagerness, which frankly is not to be expected when the actor cast possesses the last name Caan. Chin Ho Kelly, while incredibly bad ass was generally off to the side, so it’s wonderful to see the character – played superbly by Daniel Dae Kim – get so much face time, being the lovely face that it is. Rounding out the team is Kona Kalakaua who hopefully will get beyond her “kid sister” (actually she’s Kelly’s cousin) framing and develop into a more fully realized character. Grace Park, who is a fantastic actress, does what she can to elevate the role, but she needs more to do.

The pilot struggles to blend the origin story with the action, resulting in a rushed job getting these characters acquainted with each other. Then decides it ought to spend the remainder of the program blowing things away. Now, it’s been a long time since I’ve watch a cop show with a whole mess of shooting and kabooms. I don’t particularly enjoy that style of cop show and I especially don’t like it here. I grew up on cops who analyzed things, sweated perps and bantered with the M.E. One of the things I’ve always enjoyed about Homicide: Life on the Street was the detectives almost never drew their weapons. So the few times H:LOTS detectives did, the pay off was HUGE. Think: season six finale. Nevertheless, the show with its blend of shopworn CSI aesthetics, attractive actors, stunning locales, pedestrian plots and kabooms, is entertaining and appealing to its demographic group. For better or worse, Hawaii Five-0 will probably run forever; more importantly it is the Hawaii: Five-0 today’s television audiences deserve.

10. Happy Days (aired 1974 – 1984)

The first blows to the series were struck early its lengthy run, and oddly enough predate the Fonzification of the show. No, Potsie’s transformation from a smarmy bon vivant into a chucklehead on par with Ralph was the start of the problems. Fonzie was fun, cheeky and not really the source of fail until after Ron Howard left the show! Nevertheless, Happy Days was at its best during the first four years it ran. Beginning with the fifth season, plots were routinely rehashed – um, how many times does Richie have to get trashed, fight and learn a valuable lesson – characters were added/subtracted without regard to continuity or common sense and Mr. C didn’t get nearly as many good one liners!

9. The Original 90210 (aired 1990 – 2000)

By the time this dinosaur went off the air most of its original cast members – well the ones who were left – were collecting social security. No, I’m not talking about Jim and Cindy Walsh, who smartly fled to Hong Kong and washed their hands of the inane plots, bad acting and those wretched real estate agent blazers favored by Brandon and Steve.

8. House (still airing!)

Oh House, I am about tired of you. When you were a medical-mystery-of-the-week I loved watching! I loved the snarky banter between you, Wilson and Cuddy. I liked the original three doctors and I even like Taub and 13. But I do not like “Huddy”. How are you gonna explain away Stacy? I thought she was the great love of your life? It’s not merely the romantic chow chow, but why can’t you be a crabby pill popper who solves medical puzzles and watches daytime soaps? I do not like the lack of worthy opponents. Bring back David Morse!!! Stop being abusive to Wilson! Stop making obnoxious racist remarks towards Foreman! Stop making sexist, homophobic, ableist remarks towards 13! No more Taub short jokes! Better yet, make season 7 your last.

7. Law & Order: SVU (still airing!)

I’m sorry, why are you still on the air? Hasn’t every sex worker, mail order bride, Transgendered person, child prodigy, cult member, teen runaway, rent boy or member of some other stigmatized population (I didn’t mention) in your fictional NYC been killed or convicted of a heinous crime already? Who’s left? I think your work here is done.

6. The Jeffersons (1975 – 1985)

I can’t even get through the last five seasons of the show, which are so awful and unfunny I can’t believe Norman Lear still had his name in the credits. Seasons 2 through 5 are the best and funniest of the series. As long as Weezie’s got cloud hair and is wearing sequins/tulle during the day, it’s probably a good episode. Something about trying to transition to the 1980s caused the once sharply written show to seem woefully anachronistic.

5. ER (1994 – 2009)

Every so often – when visiting someone with cable – I’d watch The Preview Guide (my favorite channel) and say something, “Wait, URRR is still on the air???” The sad thing was I was a true ER early adopter. I remember the summer before it aired I ran into every one of its principle cast members – yes, even that one – at the Sherman Oaks Fashion Square! I guess it wasn’t really filmed in Chicago! I watched it from the beginning and I liked a lot. It seemed a bit weird the show continued after its beloved creator – Mr. Andromeda Strain, himself – Michael Crichton passed away unexpectedly in 2008. ER was one of the rare medical dramas that didn’t strain credibility, or when it did, its critics were silenced with three words: Crichton, MD, Harvard. Anyway, the show went off the rails after they stabbed my sweet Carter! I kind of stopped watching because Carter, Carol Hathaway and Goose – err, what was his character’s name??? – were my faves and when they weren’t around as much or at all it wasn’t worth watching. I might have also been the only person who didn’t really notice Clooney’s work or presence on that show! Was he a pediatrician or something? I still do that Dr. Benton fist pump/knee slide whenever I accomplish something important!

4. The Simpsons (zomg, still AIRING)

I have seen every single episode of The Simpsons and I’m not proud! I abandoned the series after the season nine New York episode because I didn’t think it was that funny and sensed a change in direction for the show. (I’ve since revisited that episode and am surprised my opinion hasn’t changed!) I came back to the series in the 19th season and it’s just okay. Not awful, but not Mr. Plow caliber either. There are some episodes between when I abandoned the show and when I came back: “Lard of the Dance”, “Maximum Homerdrive” and “Hello, Gutter, Hello Father” are some of my favorites, but the great episodes are few and far between. Oh yeah, I love that episode where Moe and Lisa go to Vermont! Ha. Tom Wolfe was really funny! But mostly, The Simpsons seems more mean spirited than I remember and definitely has much more -ism fail than I can tolerate. It’s not awful like say – Family Guy, but I definitely find myself going, “Really? oh c’mon!”

3. NCIS (still airing)

Okay, here’s a series tailor made for me! It’s a procedural. It features a Fontanaverse alum in the lead and it’s not especially complicated. Yet, after watching only three or four episodes I do not understand why this thing has run for seven years. it feels more like a four year kind of show. It’s like JAG but with lot more likable lead, though similarly engaging. read: boring. Try as I might, I just can’t stop seeing Harmon as Ted Bundy! Maybe that’s the problem. Damn you, The Deliberate Stranger!

2. Any long running Reality Television Series

Do. Not. Get. Them. Trading in the most hateful tropes, stereotypes and depictions of marginalized folks and this is considered entertainment. Look, I am not a snob. I will rock some The Price is Right like nobody’s bidness, but as a writer, well I have a special hate for “unscripted” television! Don’t try to change my mind. Just accept and move on.

1. CSI (where’s Kiki and Sandman???)

249 years later, CSI is still on the freaking air. There are like five or six plots – and they’ve all been done to death. Speaking of death: it was over when Warrick left. Sorry. Don’t mean to spoil things. Also, I cannot stand that Sarah person. Can’t Lady Heather get her own procedural? She seems to know more about profiling than anyone else! She’s also has better manners! That said, I do love Miss Catherine and Nick! Morpheus has provided some badly need Grissom-lite factor. Still, there are plenty of episodes for this to have a nice long retirement in syndication!

Earlier this month Jeff Goldblum announced he was leaving the exiled-to-USA-network Law & Order: Criminal Intent leaving the fate of the show in limbo. While everyone else rubs their hands raw with worry, here are some things that could reinvigorate the show.

Much has been made over the casting of Goldblum as Det. Zach Nichols and while I understand Bobby’s rabid fanbase felt betrayed by the departure of Goren and Ames, I actually enjoyed Goldblum’s tenure, though I don’t enjoy Saffron Burrows as his partner. Mary Elizabeth is shutting it down as the Captain and I didn’t want to like her because I loved Captain Jamey and Captain Eric! Throughout CI’s run I have liked most of the cast transitions, with a particular love for Annabella Sciorra who had fine chemistry with Chris Noth. I preferred their equitable partnership rather than the way Eames was often positioned as Goren’s babysitter, yes-man or ‘amen’ chorus. Besides, if the departure of Goren meant I didn’t have to see the incomparable Miss Rita Moreno’s talents wasted in what could have been a wonderful opportunity for razor sharp analysis of the ageing parent/child caregiver dynamic (through no fault of either Vincent who could barely contain the fanboy appreciation of Moreno or Moreno who is always awesome) then it was a sacrifice I was willing to endure. To be clear, I count myself as a Goren fangirl, though not at the level of La Mommie, who got me into CI with her recaps of the non crime solving antics and backstory of Bobby and also the highly entertaining ADA Carver updates. Coat-ney!!!

1. Stop telling us who the killer is!

Without Goren, the killer’s motivations and unmet childhood needs are of little interest to me. I liked the structure of CI is because it gave Vincent a platform for his wonderful talents. I didn’t care about the mystery or even the crimes most of the time. I just wanted to watch Bobby open his Rhodia Portfolio, extract damning childhood report cards or Dear John letters or compromising photos and then zip it closed once the killer spilled their guts and sobbed as they were handcuffed and dragged out of the interrogation room. I liked seeing a husky fellow not positioned as a “gentle giant” or a bully. Sure, Bobby could be a hot head, but that’s because he was so passionate, not because he was a jerk. Anyway, Bobby’s weekly mental chess games with the killers were the reason to endure endless red herrings, chow chow and scene filmed with wonky lenses in order to give the killer’s perspective. Without Goren, CI should strive for a quirkier take on the Mothership L&O, but with bigger, more scandalous cases.

2. ETHAN HAWKE

The article linked mentions the need for a real New York actor (uh, you know he’s from Texas, right?) and Hawke specifically. I wholeheartedly agree. I’m thinking something in the range of his character Jake Hoyt from Training Day cut with a bit of charming pragmatism of Det. Meldrick Lewis. I was actually surprised at how much more enjoyable Hawke tends to be as a supporting or ensemble player – did you catch his hilarious bit part in Search and Destroy – rather than a lead. Regardless of what Hawke does he tends to be underrated – yeah, his novels demonstrate a scrappy command of craft and voice, people – much of that due to his looks. Well he’s not as cute as he used to be – veering towards Skerritt circa Ice Castles – and it might be time to him to try his fortunes on television. If anyone can reinvent him, it’s Dick Wolf. Remember, he’s the dude who turned one Seventeen cover model and Baywatch Nights lead (Angie Harmon) and one Bond Girl and wife of Richard (Cary Lowell) into reasonably believable, but incredibly satisfying ADAs. I would pay cashmoney to see Hawke spar and quip with Leslie Hendrix (hi, you have the best job on the planet) and Captain Mary Elizabeth!

3. The Dr. George Huang/Dr. Emil Skoda factor

Is Dr. Elizabeth Olivet still practicing? This is the MAJOR CASE SQUAD, folks. Where’s the onsite shrink? Most of the suspects are framed as having serious (and usually untreated) mental illness, and arm chair diagnosis from the cops simply do not cut it. More often than not, the lack of a knowledgeable party, such as the academically rigorous Huang or the shoulder shrugging pragmatic Skoda means there’s way too much potential for ableism fail as it relates to mental conditions. Zach’s dad – played with cheek by F. Murray Abraham – spend more of his screen time trying to sort out family drama than effectively applying his much vaulted psychiatric expertise to the case at hand. While it was entirely appropriate to position Zach Nichols as a person under the supposition that living with a famous shrink is like being one himself, after about two episodes, they needed to give that shit a rest. Bring in April Grace, Joan Chen, Rosanna De Soto or Diahann Carroll.

4. Keep the existing elements that WORK.

Dr. Elizabeth Rogers (played by Leslie Hendrix) has been one of the best stabilizing elements on the show. There is little about the current incarnation of CI that feels familiar to long term fans of the Law & Order brand. The theme is weird and deliciously bombastic, there is not much mention or involvement of ADAs – a staple of the brand – and where’s the doink doink? It’s woefully underused! Bring back gratuitous use of the doink doink and that overwrought truth music played when either the cops/ADAs figure out the truth or the suspect they didn’t realize was a suspect starts spilling all the details of the crime while their sibling, partner, lover, boss or lawyer frantically bellow, “Keep your mouth shut!” Mary Elizabeth as the captain has been a refreshing addition. Though I should note, if the producers wanted La Mommie, they could have – you know – hired her. The absence of pearls has not fooled me! I see what you did there!

5. Realize LOCI’s the Banana Republic of the Franchise!

Less is more. SVU can be as flashy and hip as it wishes; it’s the Old Navy of the franchise! LOCI doesn’t need its shelves and racks crammed with the latest and greatest. It needs to stick with the elegant updates of the classics and for corn’s sake, NO PLASTIC HANGERS!

Wolper had been executive producing documentaries for the small screen as far back as the 1950s, and was one of the driving forces on the document anthology “Biography,” which was hosted to staccato like perfection by newsman Mike Wallace. Clearly Wolper was a fan of history and this would become important later in his career.

In the meanwhile, he made some history of his own, by giving television its first black female detective, in the wake of the fierce Pam Grier, doing her thing in the movie houses and Angie Dickinson on rival NBC, Wolper and star Teresa Graves gave ABC and the world “Get Christie Love!” which began as a tv movie pilot, but became an full fledged cop show that only lasted 23 episodes total. Still, the program and its lack of success back in 1975 seemed to suggest that the phrase“mini-series” would become  Wolper’s watchword.

Roots: The Saga of an American Family became a number one bestseller for author Alex Haley the following year, and the decision was made to bring his book to the screen. Wolper made certain that the audience would have a very real sense of what the text of Haley’s book conveyed regarding the nature of how Negroes were treated in the United States throughout time, and was not going to sugar coat the story for viewers.  The resulting project was a brutally powerful document that featured nearly every African American actor that was working during that era, from O.J. Simpson to Cicely Tyson, from Leslie Uggams to James Earl Jones!

According to the legend, ABC was fearful that people would not come back to see the episodes week after week, so they aired the series in January 1977 (considered an “unimportant” time frame for Nielsen ratings) over eight consecutive days, just in case people weren’t interested, they could get back to their regular programming in a hurry. Little did the Alphabet know, they had the biggest event in television history, and it was actually made more gigantic by that programming decision as everyone was focused on that massive story throughout that single week.

With an all-star cast telling the tale of slavery in America, by way of the narrative of Haley’s book, and just beyond the country’s 200^th birthday, “Roots” was a step towards healing a nation that really only just got past Jim Crow a mere thirteen years before! It was the very definition of epic. Once ABC saw that two of every three television sets in the United States were tuned to see this “Novel for Television,” one thing was very clear: there would be more.

And, in fact, Wolper was connected with the most iconic and most identifiable of these miniseries throughout that era. The follow-up to it, “Roots: The Next Generations” also garnered incredible ratings as the story continued, in 1979.

Wolper then turned his attention to Colleen McCullough’s bestseller, The Thorn Birds and exec produced the tale of the Australian Parish Priest attempting to come to terms with his personal ambitions in the Catholic Church and his equally powerful Love and Lust of one particular woman. We have one of Barbara Stanwyck’s most memorable scenery chewing performances thanks to this production.

And Wolper went back to the motif of US History for the three miniseries billed “North and South.” Patrick Swayze, PRE-“Dirty Dancing,” played an South Carolina Army officer fresh from West Point and on the brink of the Civil War and negotiating the fallout for Dixie as the events of that conflict took place. Yet another celebrity packed sweeping tale of love, hate, heartbreak and characters on the verge of life and death; yet another ratings champion.

Notable about those two miniseries is that in “The Thorn Birds,” stars Bryan Brown (the only actual Australian who had a speaking part in the program) and Rachel Ward met and got married, and in “North and South,” Jonathan Frakes and Genie Francis also met and wed, and both of those couples are still together, proof that Wolper knew a thing or two about casting as well as producing!

When it came to motion pictures, Wolper also had a hand, where he was producer for another book turned screenplay: “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” The Gene Wilder vehicle has become a perennial children’s favorite and even Tim Burton’s attempt to reimagine the tale couldn’t overshadow Wolper’s classic Candy Man.

In later years, Wolper’s interest in biography continued, as he went on to produce programs about Rock Legends Elvis Presley and John Lennon and artist Pablo Picasso, and then served as Exec Producer again for TNT’s wonderful retelling of the Camelot legend: “The Mists of Avalon.” But more recently he had been forced to retire from producing, another victim of Parkinson’s Disease.

Wolper’s true contributions extended far beyond that of a media man. The bold choices that he made, which seem like no-brainers to our 21^st Century eyes, were eyebrow raisers back then and someone with a lack of courage or more accurately, a lack of vision might not have dared make those decisions. But David L. Wolper always had a sense of history on his side, and that is why he will always be remembered for the historic tales he helped to bring to us all.

[Originally posted at my blog Pop Scribblings. Thanks to the awesome folks at FryButt for having me on board.]

As someone without cable, the summer doldrums have forced me to watch TV shows I would usually surf right by. For some reason, I keep getting caught up in the CSI franchise, and especially Criminal Minds.

Oh Criminal Minds. You have a decent cast (I have leftover goodwill for Joe Mantegna from his Joan of Arcadia days) and are a good way to spend an hour while folding laundry. So why must you overuse the word “unsub”?

The term, which Wikipedia tells me stands for “unknown subject of an investigation,” is uttered by all the characters (studly black guy, stern white guy, nerdy guy, brunette lady and quirky lady with a crush on studly black guy) ad nauseum. For me it’s become the equivalent of fingernails on chalkboard.

“Where’s our unsub?” “The unsub fits the profile of the Springfield serial killer.” “If I’m guessing right, we’ll find  our unsub at Subway.”

I’m not kidding. Watch this clip.

As Cathy would say, ack.

(By the way, CSI: New York is also guilty of overusing its own cutesy insidery nickname: “vic,” short for “victim.” Which is equally annoying, but I don’t watch the show enough to break into hives over it.)

Come September, I won’t be watching anymore, but according to Nielsen, millions of people do. So I thought I’d suggest other words for the characters to say instead. The show is so violent and grim, using them could only help lighten the mood.

• Evildoer
• Villain
• Fiend
• Rapscallion
• Barbarian
• Dastard (less offensive cousin of “bastard”)
• Lawbreaker
• Scoundrel
• The Big Bad (favored by Buffy the Vampire Slayer and friends, and my personal favorite)

With the show launching a spinoff starring awesome actors Forest Whitaker and Janeane Garafalo (bizarre, right?), I feel its more urgent than ever for the show to retire that word and spare the actors and viewers alike. Give unsub a rest, Criminal Minds–or at least vary the word choice once in awhile.

Ms. Angela Lansbury

I have a confession: I have never seen the series finale of Murder, She Wrote and I’m not sure I want to. Since Netflix put the series on instant viewing, I have binged on its tropes, cheestastic guest stars (I see you, Abe Vigoda!) and convoluted mysteries. I have also decided never to make murderous hamlet of Cabot Cove a vacation destination – visitors and residents alike have an uncanny knack for ending up poisoned, shot, stabbed or run into trees in cars with tampered brakes.

Superlatives

Favorite David (Baxter) Birney apparance

David (Baxter) Birney who made four appearances on the show – twice as characters named “Lawrence” though not the same character! My favorite appearance being the shady prognosticator/murder suspect/homewrecker in “Prediction: Murder”

Best Surrogate Jessica Fletcher

Hands down winner: Harry McGraw. Boozy P.I. Harry McGraw was played with great gusto by beloved song and dance man Jerry Orbach. During the later seasons Lansbury, weary from a show with such a long production schedule (and other passions neglected), took occasional breaks allowing other characters to step up and perform her murder solving duties. Ken Howard was great as Bill, an ex-football player (there’s a stretch, kinda!) turned private investigator in Jack & Bill and he’s capably backed by a Mr. Patrick Harrington Jr. as a police Lt, who does not have keys to every bathroom, closet or filing cabinet in the precinct. That said, Orbach was the most amazing and enjoyable as Harry McGraw. Though popular as the character was, the appeal failed to draw viewers to the spin off, which barely lasted a season.

Oh look it’s George Clooney – again

Sure he’s a big, sexy star now, which is great because if I don’t feel like dealing with him, I know how to avoid him. The same cannot be said of the 80s, where episodic television devotees seemed resigned to their pre-famous, awkward Clooney guest appearances fate. In 1987 alone, he did his tour of duty on the “Nana circuit” with appearances on The Golden Girls, Hunter and of course, M,SW – as Kip in the episode “No Laughing Matter”, which also starred Buddy Hackett and Steve Lawrence. I know, right? He wasn’t the murderer! He wasn’t famous enough yet. While I might fall in and out of love with Clooney, the star, I always respect Clooney, the actor. He paid him some dues!

My heart still skips a beat watching that intro. Selleck is so dreamy!

Who wears short shorts? Thomas Magnum does!

In a stroke of crossover brilliance, CBS decided to take their two juggernauts, which oddly enough had lots of demographic overlapping, and give fans a double delight! Who do you think Magnum wore the short shorts for? Grannies and gay dudes. At peak height Selleck stood 6’4 (6’2 and over generally put male actors squarely in “villain” or character actor territory no matter how cute their faces were) – unheard of at the time for leading male TV stars who were also positioned as hunks – there was no reason for a man (even in Hawaii) that tall and with legs that long to wear shorts that shorts. But thank Xena he did! Anyhoo, Thomas and Jessica (cause she called him “Thomas”) join forces and Thomas definitely was trying to get his flirt on with Jessica. Other treats from this pair of episodes: Lucille Bluth!!! Oh yes, Ms. Jessica “Play Misty for Me” Walters guest stars in a Lucille Bluthish role, which is hilarious.

No doubt to distract us from the lack luster season finales in store for audiences, the networks have announced their fall line ups – most of which will be forgotten by October. For the most part none of the offerings seem poised to lift me out of my Click-Clack, but one did make me gasp – first in horror, then in hmmmm:

CBS announces Hawaii Five-0 reboot starring Alex O’Loughlin in the role of Steve McGarrett.

O’Loughlin is familiar to television audiences thanks to his portrayal of Kevin Hiatt on The Shield. I’ll admit to being conflicted regarding this project. For starters, the original has a loyal fanbase, while not being especially dogmatic, probably doesn’t understand the need for this reboot when the original is still easily accessible. Sure some factions might be far crabby and offended by any attempt to denigrate the spirit of Jack Lord, but I suspect they’re on the margins or – well – dead.

If it sounds like I’m equivocating; I am! I love the original, but I also love the idea of seeing a lot more Asian faces on television – provided we’re not going the M*A*S*H or The Courtship of Eddie’s Father route. If we’re talking about the Fontanaverse/Simon style of characterization where there are many, many different characters for whom their racial identity presented as a shared trait rather than shared ideology, then I’ve got to get behind this project without hesitation.

Of course, they aren’t exactly selling me on the reboot casting another white person – though, you know I love me an Aussie – in the title role. Would have been all kinds of new hotness if Charles Chun been cast as McGarrett – I know you’re not giving me a wtf look – and the incomparable Tina Chen had been cast as the governor rather than Jean Smart – whom I do very much like, but again, why not do something different with the reboot.

Charles Chun has been on my radar – complete with google alerts – since I was enraptured by his talents in the disposable and craft concealing role as Dr. Wen on Scrubs. Even with the weak material, Chun acted the hell out of his role. What he was able to do with mere moments of screen time – running the gambit from dramatic to comedic – lifted me out of my damn chair. I can only imagine what Chun could shut down if given the opportunity!

Tina Chen as Janice

Now, Miss Tina Chen. Oh I was a johnny come lately on her, but again, three or four minutes of screen time in the film Three Days of the Condor and I was like, “W-w-what? W-w-who and where can I get MORE.” It’s hard to hold your own against Redford and not because he’s a great actor, but rather because he tended to BE so freaking Redfordy that it was nearly impossible to allow others to shine. Granted, this probably has more to do with his positioning as the world’s hottest and most perfect man in the 70s, rather than any lack of artistic generosity on his part. And his later work – we’re talking Sneakers and on – finds Redford’s presence to have less of a stranglehold on the camera. Anyway, Chen as Janice left an indelible mark on me and I’d really love to see her reintroduced to audiences with all the confetti and fanfare of Robert Forrester.

Pleased to see Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park included in the cast list. Kim scans to me like the pre-Chicago Taye Diggs of Asian actors in terms of everyone knowing he has game, but producers of shows/movies not really understanding WE WILL GLADLY CONSUME MEDIA FEATURING HIM so they can stop tossing mediocre projects his way and then blaming the fact that audiences don’t warm to them on something other than their inability to produce projects worthy of his talents. Kim and I go way back to the ill-advised Richard Gere-with-a-stinky-accent/Bruce Willis-in-a-dizzying-array-of-awful-wigs craptravaganza The Jackal.

Daniel Dae Kim

Kim gives excellent analysis of casting challenges faced by many MOC, but proves especially frustrating for Asian actors:

There is definitely a categorization of Asian males, in particular. What I mean to say is though the roles might not be overtly offensive, they are definitely secondary and exist only to serve another character. For instance, a lot of roles that I have played have been in support of the leads and I was there to deliver exposition. They’re not stereotypical roles but they are representative of a ceiling that a lot of us face.

He’s way more respectful and kind than need be (believe me, I understand why), given he’s prime action hero/leading man age – 42. Based on his talents. good looks and international appeal he should be at a fame level equivalent to Cheadle or Schreiber, whom I feel are his cohorts (acting wise). The erasure of Asian actors in television and film is pretty much the only logical reason to account for why he’s not getting his pick of scripts. Often in the conversation of the limited representation of POCs on stage and screen the white/black dichotomy, which is false and definitely a derail – overshadows discussions of the glaring absence of all racial minorities in nuanced, non stereotypical roles. Moreover, that “Make my TEEVEE more brown, STAT.” smokescreen doesn’t encourage coalition building in artist communities of color and guess what – it doesn’t get more black folks not robbing check cashing places or rappin’ or snapping their necks on television either!

Ten bucks says he’s got a graduate degree in Fine Arts. I’m guessing Ivy League (I don’t know anything about his training). It’s not even some kind of preternatural ability I have to discern educational background of a person based on the heat waves coming off my screen. No, it’s the knowledge that, generally speaking, lots of POC actors – I’m talking the real craft vectored ones – usually went somewhere to study that shit. Sort of the way that POC artists in other fields often get letters after their names in order not to be dismissed as quickly, though they are certainly dismissed in many cases.

Courtney “COAT NEY” B. Vance immediately comes to mind. MFA from Yale, where oddly enough he seemed to have met his wife, Angela Bassett who – wait for it – ALSO GOT HER MFA from the Yale School of Drama.

HA. Kim attended NYU! Damn, playa’s done Ibsen and Chekov and he’s playing Chin Ho? C’mon now! Get it together, Hollywood.

That said, you know I’ll be right at the screen cheerfully singing, “and Danny Dae Kim as Chin Ho!” along to the theme song, which they better not so much as change ONE FREAKING NOTE. I better get my aviation lesson too!

Don't be afraid to really glitter things up!

Munch: Who lobbies for nothing?
Bayliss:You do, Munch. Every day, in every way, you lobby for nothing.

- From Homicide: Life on the Street S4x02 – Fire (Pt. II)

Detective John “Munchkin” Munch is the hardest working fictional homicide detective in the Fontanaverse, with a career spanning over 18 seasons – 7 on Homicide: Life on the Street and the last 11 on Law & Order: SVU – the only show in the franchise I don’t like!

let's settle this whole thing in the box with Pembleton.

The Portable Munch:

• Without metaphors, what are we left with? We have a riddle, surrounded by a mystery, wrapped inside of an enigma and stuffed inside a body bag.
• (on partnering up with Bayliss) I understand. You stayed with Pembleton for six years. He broke your heart, and now you’re just looking for a one-nighter, huh?
• (answering the phone during the holidays) Ho-ho-homicide.
• From the tracks on his arms, large caliber wound, proximity to a heroin market… I’d say it was a heated dispute about the symbolism of red and blue in 18th-century French romantic poetry.
• We have an expression in Homicide: Our day begins when yours ends.

heartbeat, you make me feel so weak...

Munch Fun Facts

• Brother Bernard owns a funeral parlor
• got shot in the ass by a suspect
• Tricked a suspect into believing a copier machine was lie detector contraption called Electrolyte Neutron Magnetic Test Scanner
• Was married four times
• had an ex who sought her revenge by slapping a frame around naked pictures of him taken in college and putting them in a gallery across the street from police department.
• co-owned The Waterfront with Bayliss and Lewis
• Was heartbroken to discover Det. Briscoe had once dated his ex-wife Gwen
• got kicked out of an alcohol awareness seminar for back sassing the instructor

Fictional Universe Appearances
As the head ambassador of the Fontanaverse, Munch has spread his good will on seven (well 8 if you count Jimmy Kimmel, which I don’t) different television shows.

• Homicide: Life on the Streets – first appearance “Gone for Goode”.
• Law & Order – “Baby, it’s you”, “Charm City”, “Sideshow Pt.1″ and I’m blanking on the fourth one.
• Arrested Development – “Exit Strategy” as a crafting instructor hoping to get Tobias to hot glue the family secrets to an array of whimsical pastel backgrounds.
• Law & Order: SVU – 300 episodes or thereabouts.
• The Wire – cameo, arguing about his tab.
• The Beat – some crap show on UPN or one of those other fakey networks.
• The X-Files – “The Unusual Suspects”. Shakes down Byers and then some.

Favorite Munch H:LOTS episodes

Night of the Dead Living
Heartbeat
The City that Bleeds
Kaddish
Shaggy Dog, City Goat
Control