2009/12/23 Chris Hatlestad <docgenki@yahoo.com> writes:
I came across an older response to a testosterone question on the FACT website where you responded with a formula for the T:E2 ratio or A:E ratio.  I have been following the FAI or free androgen ratio which is s-T*0.0347/SHBG with normal 0.7-1.0 and find most everyone low.  However, I like the A:E ratio concept.
What is the 30 that you multiply to the s-T?.  Also, I am typically measuring total estrogens which is E2+E3.  What about using this number and including DHEA-s in the equation for a true A:E ratio.
Also, do you do any hormone implants and if so, how do you calculate or guestimate dosing, men or women?  Sourcing for the implants beyond College Pharm?
Thanks
Chris Hatlestad, MD
Integrative Medicine & Family Medicine, Center for Environmental Medicine
10748 NE Halsey Street  Portland, OR 97220
503-261-0966 (office) 503-252-2691 (fax)
docgenki@yahoo.com
www.cemmed.com

hi Chris,
thanks.
in the SI unit scale (which USA proposed switching to, then reneged on!), basal SHBG averages about 20-30 nmol/L.  So I correct the A:E ratio back to  a basal normative SHBG of 30… SHBG  binds  1000 times more to TT than  it does to estrogen… hence the higher the SHBG, the lower the free androgen ie FAI relative to estrogen. The FAI alone ignores estrogen.  Its like ignoring T3 level in assessing thyroid function- one need the whole axis eg T3 xT4/TSH. .

on the one hand I prefer to use E1+E2+E3.
On the other, we can no longer get S- E1 measured here, there is too little demand .  and remember that empirically, it is said that E2 is about ?7 times as potent as E1 and 80 times as potent as E3.
similarly, all the other androgens would have to be brought into the calculation at their disparate   androgenic potencies.  So for cumulative functional effect one would  have a complex formula factoring in the potencies.

Hence, KISS- keep it simple -  s-T x 30/ (E2 x measured SHBG).
DHEA is of course one parent hormone, and one never knows how far it is going to convert to androgens vs estrogens. So I measure it if affordable- but like Wiebke Arlt,  find it useful to replace only in the old.  at least with 7keto DHEA one knows that it cannot be bioconverted back to TT or estrogen- it is simply a weak androgen.
My late inspiration, breast surgeon Dr Roald Maartens here used a formula of 12 hormones for managing (pre)cancer hormone-related diseases. But  not even experts  like Leon Speroff,  Bill Creaseman or David Dent could help him validate and spread his program. I tried to get his thesis validated and published posthumously, but his family jealously decided to let it die with him rather than risk someone else stealing his glory… such is science.

I have an English  copy of his unpublished MS, but I cant find anyone who can understand the dense math. His brilliant son helped him with the computer formulae and the program that one of his acolytes still uses blindly, but as I say they blocked my offer to help spread his concept.

I gave up using profitable implants 20 years ago since they may be beneficial and acceptable for many patients, but have a double digit failure/complication rate; are costly; are dependent on how tightly they are compacted ie have widely varying release time- E2 perhaps 6 to 24 months, TT perhaps 3-4 months.

When I first met the woman (whom I married 4 years later), the local Emeritus Professor of Gyne had given her 300mg E2 and 150mg TT in 3 successive implant sessions in 5 months, turning her from chronic fatigue into a bloated over-estrogenized wreck. He never could explain why he defied physiology (as was taught by eg Hans Selye over 60 years ago),  instead of giving her- as is normal with implants – at least twice as much TT as E2. (He is still bravely working in the local University menopause Clinic at over 80 years of age).   Her s-E2 level was over 3000 pmol/L while her s-T was only about 6nmol/L. Since it is major hastle trying to dissect out implants, I simply balanced the excess E2 with depotestosterone injection every fortnight till her s-E2 dropped below normal after 2 years, since when (now aged 63 years) she has been happily on fortnightly sc  20mg:1mg  TT:E2 depot injection a la William Masters & Grody’s 1953 formula. . If we had someone to make progesterone implants here, I would have used combined progesterone estradiol and testosterone implants, as Mannie Schleyer-Saunders in London did for decades with excellent results. You have brave compounding pharmacists there who do so,  so go for it with triple implants or triple subcutaneous depot-sexhormone  self-injection!

go see if you can get Leon Speroff there interested again in Maartens’ formula?   I am delighted to see that Dr Speroff  is still publishing prolifically, now validating depot hormones subcutaneously as I have been advocating at international congresses the past 6 years, and on this column.
Seasons Greetings- take care!

ndb  in sunny Cape Town

One thing I endeavour to do is to identify and analyse every little mental change I experience and also how my interactions with the external environment may change as a result. I am also very analytical of the social aspects of how gender affects ones daily life. I have noticed that although testosterone has made me more placcid in general, under the surface is a bubbling aggression just waiting to be given permission to reveal itself. It is a strange place to be in. To know that I have greater potential for violence but at the same time be fully in control due to the overall feeling of being in a perpetual state of peace. It’s not like it builds up or has to be released. I quite like this feeling. Knowing that should I ever find myself in a situation whereby an aggressive response is required, it’s there, just waiting for me to let it off the leash. I can’t imagine myself losing my temper, if anything, I sense that I am more likely to walk away long before that point is neared. It is interesting seeing this played out on the street. Another observation is that when a man approaches from the opposite direction on an empty street, there is this eye contact thing. It is as if we both perceive each other as threats. As if we are both aware of our potential for aggression. The eye contact thing continues until we pass.It seems all very territorial. All very odd to me.

I am in the process of trying to work out whether this is gender-specific behaviour that is learned – socially constructed – or innate. I am learning from my observations so I find it a difficult one to work out myself. It’s not the sort of behaviour that can be observed in a group situation.

Chicks (and dudes that cry) needn’t read this post. Better yet, they should (although it won’t help). Back in some month of this year I climbed a mountain big hill. The night before, I got a wee wahooed playing a made-up drinking dice game in the pouring rain with a couple friends. The morning of the hike, I ponied up and pulled out my man diploma. New boots on my feet, too much weight on my back, a headache and an intense case of cotton mouth the three of us made the 3,689 foot climb to the top. Within an hour, my feet were showing signs of wear. Within two, they were clearly blistered. “Need to rest?” I was asked. “No, Man School.” 30 min later, I received a demerit as I sat to regenerate. Between bear reports, torrential downpours, aching muscles, and inaccurate timing, the entire trip stayed true to the Man School curriculum: Quit Whinin’ 104, Eat Anything 201, Bears Suck 310, and Drinkin’ & Backpacking 400.

Man School is a state of mind. When you nearly drown because your kayak flips over in a rolling river, Man School. When landing a plane makes less sense than jumping out of one, Man School. When you leave your shoes home for a foot race, Man School. When you’d rather spend 8 hours and $200 on a minor home repair instead of calling a professional, Man School. When you pack a duffel bag and a daypack for a two-week two-season international excursion, Man School.

Man School is not MTV’s Jackass. Man School does not have anything to do with Ashton Kutcher or Punk’d . Chicks don’t go to Man School regardless of their demonstrative feat. Crying will get you kicked out of Man School. Your music playlist does not make you a man. Bribes don’t work. Tattoos make you scary cool, not a man. Man School is for men.

There are no diplomas. No guarantees of admittance (unless you’re Chuck Norris). Expulsion comes without warning. Studying does nothing. You need only accept the fact that Man School will roshambo you to the core.

If you have what it takes, share. If the council of one determines you are a man and not the next recipient of a junk punch, I will the council will post.

I have a record, a record where I tend to do extreme things during spring breaks.

My sophomore year of undergrad, I spent the entire break in the hospital with pneumonia. That was fun, let me tell you.

My junior year of undergrad, I spent over 10 hours a day of spring break working to be able to afford a new laptop.

My senior year of undergrad, I ran around accomplishing as much as possible. I visited KU, stayed with my girlfriend for a few days, saw my family for a few days, and made it back to college with a few days to catch back up on homework before classes kicked back up. I was ridiculously busy all semester and took the extended break as a chance to catch back up a little.

My first year of my PhD, I’m going to start testosterone injections. The timing is perfect, it is well outside of the range when my therapist expects me to be cleared for T support, and I feel the timeline gels with me. It will give me a chance to feel the testosterone for a week before heading back to work and school. The rest of the semester will be intense but liberating.

While rampant testosterone seems to have got Tiger Woods into all sorts of trouble at the top of the PGA tour, a golfer with low testosterone at the bottom of golf rankings is facing quite a different problem.

Doug Barron is suing the PGA after he was suspended for failing a dope test. Since 2005 he has been receiving monthly shots of synthetic testosterone, after struggling for years trying to understand why he was chronically fatigued and had absolutely no sexual desire.

The golfer’s natural testosterone count when he was prescribed the shots was 78 nanograms per deciliter of blood. Most healthy men his age have a testosterone level between 300 and 500.

CNN quoted Barron as saying “I was a 35-year-old man who, you know, wants to be living like a 35-year-old man. I was kind of embarrassed in a way. It wasn’t easy on me or my wife.”

Testosterone Didn’t Turn Him Into Tiger

Barron is far from a rock star in his sport. He reportedly earned about $33,000 last year, and during the previous eight seasons on the PGA Tour, his top finish was a tie for third place at the 2006 Byron Nelson Championship, one year after he began testosterone therapy.

Testosterone, banned in professional sports because it promotes muscle mass and strength, amongst other things, obviously hasn’t transformed him into Tiger Woods.

Barron got into trouble after the PGA introduced drug testing in 2008.

When the ban went into effect, Barron told the Tour that he was on beta blockers (for chest pain) and testosterone. He requested a therapeutic use exemption, arguing that he needed them to live normally.

Couldn’t Function Without It

PGA Tour physicians say they measured Barron’s testosterone levels at 325 in November 2008 and 296 in December 2008, according to court records. The Tour ruled that that Barron’s testosterone count was within acceptable range. He had to get off the drugs.

But Barron’s attorney said the testosterone levels were within acceptable range because Barron was receiving the shots.

He “just couldn’t function at all,” Barron said of his attempts to get off the medication. Without the testosterone, he was listless. Without the beta blockers, he was having chest pains.

He ignored the warning and had his monthly shot anyway. “I took a risk I should have known better than to do, and I got a shot of testosterone” in July just before the St. Jude Classic in Memphis, where he failed a random drug test.

Good Sex Life a “Major Life Activity”

His year-long suspension started in September, so he sued under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

“The definition of a disability is something that impairs a major life activity, and intimacy with your wife is a major life activity,” said Barron’s attorney Jeff Rosenblum.

Doug Barron isn’t the first to run up against the issue of testosterone. Golfer Shaun Micheel, who was granted a therapeutic exemption for abnormally low testosterone by the Tour in 2005 and was allowed to use synthetic testosterone.

In August 2006, Micheel was runner-up to Tiger Woods at the PGA Championship — a major tournament he won in 2003 — and defeated Woods in the first round at the 2006 HSBC World Match Play Championship. According to the PGA Web site, Micheel has earned $8 million since he went pro in 1992.

Jason Statham is not a man, nor is he a human being. He transcends the categorization of mere mortal, with the ability to shape worlds and break hearts with his fists.

"Statham"

This former footballer/actor/super-lover has a mythos that spans beyond human cognition, on the level of time travel, black holes and European carry-alls. A few brave souls exchanged their lives for the ability to comprehend that which is Statham, and selections from the sagely annal, Variety Magazine, are deciphered — with the help of a Stathamian sociologist simply known as “Arran” — from an otherworldly language of stick figures engaging in violence and strong sexual content:

Excerpts from Book XII:

Statham only has two emotions: relaxed and massacre. When Statham is in the mood for sex, many wonder if he is relaxed or ready for massacre. While Statham clearly is never nervous before coitus, he will tear that ass up something chronic. It’s not a literal massacre, but it’s close.

His tearing up of ass is like him imagining himself brutally beating up a bad guy within an inch of their life — but with his penis. Ultimately, Statham is a tender lover, but you may not walk right for at least a year. This is why Statham is unable to keep a lover for more than a day.

Statham, about to "tear that ass up."

Excerpts from Book XXIV:

Statham’s testosterone-powered seed overwhelm the ovaries so much that their reproductive systems hibernate to recover. It’s what gynecologists have dubbed the “Statham Effect.” It’s also why Statham doesn’t have known offspring, for no Earthly woman has the reproductive organs strong enough to handle the onslaught of Statham’s seed, let alone allow one to fertilize an egg without exploding.

In the unlikely event that a woman’s egg was fertilized with Statham’s sperm, she wouldn’t be able to carry a Statham child to term; the fetus would punch its way out of the womb within a month. This has not deterred many women from trying, though. Unfortunately, the result is always the same: the baby punches its way out, utters “Let’s get CRANKED,” and then proceeds to try and have sex with the midwife. Fortunately, Statham himself has always been there to stop this by killing the baby with a single karate kick to the sternum.

Statham, winding up to kick-kill another heir to the Statham throne.

When the baby attempts to sex the midwife, it kills her with its powerful thighs and the translated cries of “I’d like to offer you one: permanently disabled!” Statham, seeing the threat that the baby poses to his throne of ruler of Fuck City, kills the baby, yells at the dying corpse, “Fuck your mother! I let boss know you shit in Superman’s stomach. Dumb ass!” and flees the scene.

Excerpts from Book XXVIII:

The women that attempt to have sex with Statham are not bright, nor know how to navigate the internet to read the detailed reports of Statham’s seed shutting down their reproductive systems. This is how Statham likes it.

However, with celebrity-obsessed television show Entertainment Tonight — due to an extraordinary and unexpected piece of journalism — linking the trail of dead babies and midwives to Statham, he decides to relocate to a place where the women are gorgeous and don’t know how to use the internet and television: Croatia.

While Statham hatches a plan to eliminate the threat of trashy entertainment television like Entertainment Tonight, he spends his time manipulating his seed to not create life. He tests it by tearing that ass up of every Croatian women he deems “fuckable within an inch of their life.” His plan almost works.

The world, of course, is somehow unaware that Statham is actually immortal – that Statham is everliving. Statham still decides to keep his eternal status a secret just to fuck with everyone, as due to his extreme intelligence he regards anyone with an IQ under 364 as “a dopey cunt.”

Statham, applauding a retrospective of his carnal exploits.

Excerpts from Book XXX:

As another ripping gag, he decides to fuck Italy. Not all the women in Italy: the actual country.

The fucking of Italy plunges the country underwater — a brilliant maneuver as the genetic makeup of Italian women are the strongest to give life to a Statham that could withstand the abuse that the elder Statham can give.

What Statham didn’t know was that the future mother of his child, Lady GaGa, was of Italian and Martian descent. (Anthropologists are undecided on GaGa’s Italian heritage.) Upon meeting GaGa at a party in Fuck City, he was intrigued by her brazen fashion and extraterrestrial mannerism, wanting immediately to mount her like a Leonardo da Vinci painting in the Louvre Museum.

Lady GaGa, mother to Statham's seven sons.

As he sawed into her like a jackhammer on pavement, his seed was in for the fight of its life, warring with GaGa’s eggs for hours upon end until they burst through with their tiny fists and feet. The division of cells, creating life, were fought with similar vigor, fighting tooth and nail to give life to the growing Stathams in GaGa’s womb — equipped for carrying strong warriors… and other things…

Excerpts from Book XXXVII:

As Statham stared down the remains of the evil clone of Gabriel Yulaw, a bigger threat loomed on the horizon.

There were seven children in their beginning stages of life, each representing the very threat to Statham’s throne of King Shit of Fuck Mountain of Fuck City, and each would have to come out with guns-a-blazing from the very moment of their human lives — which they would.

As cited in Book XXXI, Passages 24-31:

Statham’s seed is especially notable in the field of biology, because in the incredibly rare case when a woman (such as Lady GaGa) has a womb strong enough to carry a miniature Statham to full term, it actually develops a pair of Glock 9mm pistols during the gestation period – one in each hand. The child is also born with the preternatural ability to wield said firearms with such skill that it makes Lee Harvey Oswald look like a mere patsy. (Indeed, legend has it that the Kennedy assassination was actually carried out by a spawn of Statham lost in the space-time continuum — another natural ability of junior Stathams being the bending of said continuum to their whims — but that is another tale entirely, referenced in Statham 17:29.)

On the predestined day that GaGa was ordained to give birth to Statham’s children, she flew to the remains of Italy and had a ceremonial water birth. The seven Stathams jump-kicked their way out of their restrictive womb, shouting “Don’t pop a blood vessel, you little penis!” to their birth mother, scattering around the world by swimming.

Lady GaGa, in the beginning stages of birthing the children of previous mate Kermit the Frog.

This did not please Statham, who until then was unaware of the survival of the children to term because of GaGa’s lead-clad womb and inexpressive Poker Face. He sensed a disturbance that was brought about the children’s births, and he knew that he had to bring them to their end. But he would need help, for even he could not kill seven Statham’s at once. He turned to the one man who could not feel pain — remembering the wise words of one scholarly man: “pain don’t hurt.”

He dug up the remains of Patrick “Dalton” Swayze.

Excerpts from Book XXXIX:

Statham rejuvenated Swayze with the magical words “Get up, you daft cocksucker!”, causing the corpse of Swayze to reanimate just to chastise Statham over the fact that the phrase “cocksucker” is merely “two nouns combined to elicit a response.” Statham knew that he had found the only being completely fucking hardcore enough to team up with.

After being informed of the situation with the Seven Sons of Statham, Swayze opined “It’ll get worse before it gets better.” Statham, humbled (as much as he could possibly be) by the only man to ever star in a movie more awesome than one of his own, had to agree.

And thus the greatest, toughest, mostest awesomest duo in recorded human history (narrowly edging out Hall and Oates) was formed with a single goal: seek and destroy the Seven Sons.

Recent animal experiments suggested that an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer in men and lower the risk of developing breast cancer in women.

Scientists are saying that the bitter polyphenol flavoring agent in beer know as Xanthohumol may actually help prevent prostate cancer in men and also help reduce the risk of breast cancer in women. News of the potential miracle ingredient made headlines after its findings were first presented at a December 9^th conference held by the American Association for Cancer Research in Houston, TX.

Xanthohumol is referred to as a flavonoid. In men, the flavonoid compound binds with the testosterone receptors and blocks the effects of the male sex hormone known as testosterone, which plays a large role in the development of prostate cancer. In women the effect is similar, except instead of affecting testosterone, the xanthohumol inhibits the effects of the female sex hormone estrogen. Like testosterone in men, estrogen has also been found to play a significant role in the development of breast cancer in women.

Many men and women are unaware that our hormones, namely estrogen and testosterone play such a large role in the development of cancer. Hormonal imbalance has been linked to the onset of an array of diseases and conditions. When men and women hit age 35, their hormones begin to decline. In menopausal women the decline is much more abrupt than seen in men going though andropause (the male menopause). When this decline occurs, metabolic fluctuations and hormonal imbalance manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Unfortunately, the symptoms that surface such as hot flashes, weight gain, depression, low libido and mood swings are only the beginning of a turbulent cycle.

Although hormonal imbalance is not a disease and has not been directly related to the development of cancer, hormonal imbalance has however been proven to cause inflammation, a known catalyst for nearly all forms of cancer. One thing is for certain, you can significantly reduce inflammation by balancing your hormones and by reducing inflammation you’re also lowering your risk of developing cancer.

hwy

]]> http://moonwolves.wordpress.com/2009/12/17/reading-with-xiphos-3/ Thu, 17 Dec 2009 04:00:13 +0000 xiphos0311 http://moonwolves.wordpress.com/2009/12/17/reading-with-xiphos-3/

 Will someone please get these sensitive, “butt -hurt” men some ointment or something fast?

This new fad among men these days is ridiculous. Is the government conducting an experiment on men all over the world, and injecting them with this “whiney extra estrogen” trait? *shrugs shoulders*

I’m not one for male bashing , because in some aspect they make the world go round, but damn what happened to the tough skinned men? Where are the men that let the little un-meaningful things bounce off of them like a rubber ball? Are they all extinct?

In my world, yes I said “my world”, they’re “good sensitive” people and “bad sensitive” people. A Good sensitive person  is one that has the ability to mindful of a persons feelings, caring, and loving. A Bad sensitive person is one that takes everything personal, bitches about everything, and can’t see past certain things .

Well boooo to me, because I have come across nothing but “bad sensitive” men. The ones that gripe about why you only called or text them once that day, or  the ones that get jealous when you do something as little as have a conversation with someone.  Shut up and rub some ointment that itchy ”butt-hurt” rash, or drink a glass of testosterone. I wonder if men do these things so women can stroke their ego. If this is the case, you need to find another way of doing things because it is not cute.

But with saying everything that I have said, should I question myself? Should I learn how to become a little bit more sensitive. Hmmmm, it’s a possibility.

I am not using my blog as a forum to talk down on men; I love men, I would never do that. I think it should be taken more so as a Public Service Annonncent….thats all

As of today, I’ve been on testosterone for 20 months, 1 week and 6 days (or 1 year 8.5 months months.) This makes the title of this post somewhat inaccurate. It just seemed simpler that way.

I didn’t mention it in my last post, but a couple of weeks before I’d been in a high speed car accident. I bring it up now because the aftermath has had some effect on the progress of my physical transition. I wasn’t seriously injured, though I did seek out torque release therapy for about 8 weeks to help with some misalignment and pain in my back. I felt more physically vulnerable during this time and didn’t work out at all. I’ve also experienced some residual stress from the accident, and combined with the lack of working out, I’ve lost about 8 lbs. (Now 138-140lbs.) I’ve only just started working out again in the past 2 weeks, but already I’m seeing results.

Back in October, I had a nipple infection. My left nipple got painful and swollen. It improved after a week but had not gone way completely so I went to see my doctor. My guess was that it was duct ectasia or undissolved stitches. My doctor simply called it an infection and told me to continue taking oil of oregano, and he prescribed a homeopathic remedy. The infection went away, but then returned again this week. It hasn’t been as painful, but it did wind up oozing quite a bit, and I found the culprit: a teeny, tiny piece of suture. So small, 1/8″ (nothing like the 3″ stitches Luke had to pull out!) It left a hole in its wake and the infection is now subsiding again. It looks like there could be at least two other pieces of suture in the nipple. I guess they’ll work themselves out. It’s kind of odd to be happening this long after surgery (19 months, 2 weeks, 2 days.) If I lived in Vancouver, I’d go see Dr. Bowman about it but I don’t think it’s serious enough to warrant the 6 hour trip at this time.

I’ve been steadily losing hair from my head over the past few months. I don’t know if it’s related to the DHT I used for 3 months, or if it’s just a natural change from my regular testosterone. So far, it’s really just a more masculine hair line. In fact, I think it looks better. My hair was always way too thick on top, to the point where it gave me headaches (when it was long.) I’m a little worried the trend will continue past what I think is acceptable though. I’m keeping a close eye on it.

I’d like to get more saw palmetto tincture to try and topically block DHT on my scalp, but I also think I need a haircut before that will work again. (Longer hair makes it more difficult to get the saw palmetto right to the scalp.) I haven’t had a haircut since late August! I was just curious to see what it would look like a little longer. Testosterone has made it more wiry feeling, and it’s growing in pretty curly. Part of me feels ready to go get it cut short again, but it’s also cold out there! I might just go for a ski bum look for a bit. When I do get it cut, I imagine it will make the receding hairline stand out a bit more. Hmm.

My facial hair keeps coming in nicely. I don’t like to shave much. I like the act of shaving, but my skin hates it. I trim weekly instead. Hair is starting to work its way down from corner of my mouth (I can’t wait to grow a Fu Manchu!), and the center of my chin is finally starting to fill in. It’s slow but steady.

The following photos were taken last week, Wed Dec 9, 2009.

My hair.  What did you think?

Anyway, I’ve been running a discussion over on the TransQueer Nation forums (which, if you don’t have an account, you need to register for because it is an absolute wealth of information, support, and fellow Tguys).  It was based on good haircuts for heavy guys, and after a lot of… well, what I considered to be slightly… off suggestions, I finally owned up to having something completely different in mind:

Well, I’ve taken all your suggestions under advisement, but I’m going to roll with my gut and get this classic cut:

I wanted something conservative, but not too short, and I think Ewan McGregor has enough of a round, innocent face to sort of mimic and give me an idea of what I might look like with this cut, especially after I get on T, but before I start growing facial hair. I know how fast my hair grows and it should be past my shoulders in about a year, which, if anything about my what my genetics tells me is true, should be about when my facial hair starts to darken and come in. I want to have long hair again once I have enough male gender cues to indicate that I’m a guy with long hair and not just a chick with long hair and some facial hair problems.
Anyway, I did a little research and found a barber’s joint in San Fran that I really want to visit- I’ve read TONS of reviews and 98% of them gave 5 stars, and on top of that, I read a few by trans guys who said they felt welcomed there!
LET ME REPEAT THAT:
I’ve found a barber shop that’s friendly to trans guys.
Joe’s Barbershop

Apparently the rate is $25, which is pretty damn good for a safe experience with nice (and talented!) barbers. Spread the word; I know I’ll be crossposting this to my blog. I’m probably going to be down there getting the cut the morning of the 28th; I’ll be sure to post some before and after pics and my own review of the place.

Wish me luck!

So yes, I feel that making this find may be my biggest contribution to the trans community so far- at least, the trans community that lives in the Bay Area and wants their hair professionally cut by someone they don’t already have rapport with.  Wow, that’s actually kinda pitiful.  Oh well, we do what we can.

…

In other news, I’ve just told my dad tonight that I’d prefer to be called by Tommy.  After he realized the significance (a hint: “The dog was called Indiana!”), he actually said that he’d be proud to call me Tommy.  I told him I’d give him a lot of leeway and not get dramatic if he forgot to use the right name, because my friends who have known me less than 4 years now have trouble, and he’s been calling me by my birth name for 21 years in a row.  He seemed to really appreciate that.

In fact, he made a hell of an effort just this evening- he was talking to someone and said he was “proud to have K_____ as my daughter.  No, proud to have Tommy as my daughter.  As my CHILD.”  I couldn’t help but beam with pride at his obvious efforts.  He’s taking this more seriously than I ever could have hoped, and catching on real fast.

…

Finally, about that San Fran trip-

We’re going on the 27th and it’s going to be a rabble rousing, gut busting two-night affair of escaping the humdrum, pretend-to-fit-in existence of living in East Jesus Nowhere.  I plan on going in drag EVERYWHERE, the first night Sunday the 27th, we’re going to a techno club or something-whatever and that’s when I’m having my Severance Ball.  Then on Monday morning, I’m getting my hair cut, and I plan on going as masculine that day as possible, possibly even to the point of costume.  Not sure what we’re doing that night, but we’re leaving for home some time Tuesday afternoon and I’m sure we’ll find something to do.

So, if any of my fellow transguys live out the Bay Area and know a good joint to hang, hit me up and maybe we can meet up and have a drink or something.  Frankly, it would just be nice to know I’m not the only one that exists.

On this page, I will post articles about some of the latest Scientific and Psychological Studies that challange what people have believed to be true about Gender and Female Sexuality.  Please submit additional links by Commenting below.

Biology

Sex Hormones

Fathers can suffer from post-partum depression too. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/08/health/08mind.html?_r=1

Testosterone makes people more selfish, only if they think it does http://is.gd/5nAba

Studies have linked the birth control pills testosterone inhibiting function, with significant long term, loss of libido, that continues even after one has stopped taking the pill. These effects include diminished sexual interest and arousal, suppression of female initiated sexual activity, and decreased frequency of sexual intercourse and enjoyment. The role the pill plays in creating and increasing stereotypical female behaviors needs to be recognized and further explored.  Here is one of the links I found addressing this issue:  http://sexualhealth.e-healthsource.com/?p=news1&id=529877

Genetics

Scientists find single ‘on-off’ gene that can change gender traits. http://digg.com/d31ChkQ

Psychology and Sociology

Cheating

Do Over Half of Women Cheat? http://tweetmeme.com/story/308522809/when-women-cheat-the-early-show-cbs-news

Women who Cheat? http://tweetmeme.com/story/308522809/when-women-cheat-the-early-show-cbs-news

Why men cheat article http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/10/03/o.why.men

Sexual Behaviors

Gender equality leads to more fulfilling sexual relationship http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/04/060419073758.htm

Studies of female sexuality inaccurate, women dishonest due to social stigma. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/07/030701220850.htm

Media

How Profoundly Are We Influenced by the Media?

http://tiny.cc/68qd5

Looking at my blog stats, I see that about every week or so, people find this blog after running a search online for “FTM sore throat” or “sore through testosterone” or other similar variations. Since I remember not finding much information out there on this topic back when this was a concern for me, I figured I’d clarify my experience here.

I started T on May 26, 2008. Less than 2 weeks later, I had this very strange sensation in my throat. It wasn’t sore in the same way that it is before or during a cold, or after the first day back teaching when one has spent a summer not talking and projecting so much. It wasn’t really painful as such, just this kind of  . . . almost stretching sensation. I looked around and hardly found anything online about it. I asked my bio male friends if they had gone through this at adolescence but none of them recalled anything similar. I figured that it was the physical change to my vocal chords that I was experiencing. Soon thereafter, my voice took on a subtle huskiness and I often felt like I needed to clear my throat. When I discussed it here, a couple of brothers chimed in and shared their experience. In my case, it only lasted a few of months then my voice started to staiblise.

So, if you found this blog looking for info, I can’t give you any scientific explanation for it but I CAN reassure you that you’re not alone and, from comments I’ve had and the quantity of people who type that kind of search, it seems pretty much like stadard procedure. Best of luck to all my bros, old and new.

It was a day off Saturday in the ingénue household!  
Ok, yes I know Saturday is everyone’s day off but there are still chores that need to be done but it being a self appointed day off, it was free of any and all responsibility. We really needed it too. We slept more than 12 hours and after we woke up in the morning (or afternoon) all we did was sitting around and doing an assortment of nothing. And it was good!
But now onto what I wanted to talk about, namely fisting.
Ever tried it? For those of you who may not know what I’m referring to it’s when your lover works all their fingers inside your vagina (or ass as the case may be), then form a fist and commence fucking you with the said fist. It can be really amazing. It’s certainly intense.
To begin with, Luke is the first and thusly the only person who I’ve trusted enough to do fisting with. While fisting isn’t bomb defusing, it IS a delicate process. You simply can’t shove a hand in there, not matter how small your hand or how flexible your pussy… ok so I take that back… I’ve seen some porn stars do it to themselves pretty effortlessly… outside that, I haven’t seen it done with so much… ease.
 I mean it is probably easier for women who’ve had babies via vaginal delivery for a couple of reasons but if you’ve never had that experience, having a fist piston up and down your vagina… is and can be overwhelming. A girl could easily get hurt! I mean there is much delicate tissue than can be torn. You gotta be super aroused and use a bucket of lube. And a glove. A latex glove, if you aren’t allergic to it will really help with the sliding. The process is easy and fun all the way up to 4 fingers… but when you introduce the thumb things begin to get intense. On one hand it feels amazing since you are so filled and super stimulated. On the other hand, as the knuckles start sliding past the vaginal lips, everything feels on the brink of tearing and the pressure while exquisite is also very near pain. Once all the fingers have slipped in, you feel even more delicious and panic inducing pressure and THEN he curls his fingers into a fist and you think you are about to die one way or another but before you decide the fist is formed and then the fun begins. It is an intense kind of pleasure feeling a fist move inside you. The inevitable orgasm is scary because your muscles are tightening around a fist. The whole experience is a hair width away being painful. One wave of orgasm essentially causes another since your g-spot is squashed against a knuckle or something. I know that when I come, the force is enough that it causes a kind of vacuum seal inside Luke’s gloved hands and the pressure is also enough to hurt his hand. The sensation is unique enough that the first time I came around Luke’s fist, I couldn’t stop laughing. I am not even sure why but as odd as it sounds, with the orgasm came peals of laughter. That first time we hadn’t even planned it, it just sorta happened… it was on one of our anniversaries too. *nostalgic*
An orgasm or two into it though, your muscles start tightening so there comes a point that if he doesn’t get out, it feels like he’ll be stuck there. The slipping out is considerably easier than the going in as can be expected. The whole experience is marvelous.
It’s not exactly something you can do every day though. If your guy or girl has big hands and you fist all the time your pussy gets used to the larger size and you have to counter it with kegel exercises so you can still enjoy a normal cock or dildo as the case may be.
Anywho… the reason I am writing about this is that since Luke is on testosterone, one of the changes he will be and has been experiencing is thickening of bones including, of course, bones in his hands. He already has pretty big hands so if they get much bigger, I would have to dilate to be able to take his hand! Because of this, we’ve been meaning for a long time to set some special time aside for fisting.
As I’ve mentioned, the treatment I was on for my endometriosis caused painful intercourse and vaginal dryness as well as killing my sex drive. So simple fucking was out of question, let alone fisting and so we kinda stopped doing it and just never went back to it because of this and that. Now, we’ve both been wanting to do it and I find myself all excited at the prospect. *glee*
*s* This post is totally pointless isn’t it? Oh well, I just felt like sharing. 

Here’s a preview of what I will be talking about… with the flu and the busy times around the season I haven’t had time to get to gym. And with the depression I was feeling a bit ago my eating got out of hand. I simply must get back on schedule, I feel flabby. Bleh.
Also, new year resolution time… oooh scary… how many days before I break resolution this year. Why I am all atwitter.

We hate Love, Sex, Attraction…and Science, and we hate the post Did Tiger Woods Win by Cheating…hint: Testosterone.

1. WE HATE your failure to use an exclamation point in any part of your blog or post title. Love! Sex! Attraction?…and Science?! Think: Sensationalism. We know you are trying to pass yourself off as an actual author, and we appreciate that, but consider this: Airplane!

2.  WE HATE your racism. Tiger Woods doesn’t need science or testosterone to be awesome. He was immaculately conceived, and he’s just awesome. Just because he’s Amerafricasian doesn’t mean he can’t beat all the white folks at a game that they keep only for themselves. Still, banging all them white chicks can’t hurt.

"Honey, can't you see I'm, transgressing with all these much less hot chicks on the side so I can provide for our babies?"

3. WE HATE that you aren’t blonde. What kind of expert are you. Are you even Swedish? No? Then what possible science can you offer?

4. WE HATE that your book attempts to answer the easiest rhetorical question of all time. What’s the sequel, Miller Lite: Less Filling or Tastes Great? (A Discursive Discourse on the Dichotomies of Domestic Drafts). Maybe you could finally figure out why people like sex. We’d read that. Oh wait, we see you are already working on a sequel in a previous post: “Why Women Eat Salads on Dates.” Is it a multiple choice question? We choose D. Because they don’t want to look like fatties.

5. WE HATE your shameless self-promotion, but only because we think it isn’t going far enough. Your book isn’t in our faces enough. And where are the calendars, the t-shirts, coffee mugs, ash-trays, shot glasses, spoken-word albums, the g-strings? We need to buy gifts for our significant others, and we think a Do Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? Special Edition vibrator would be just the thing.

Questions we really want answered.

I’d like to say right now that I’ve passed a milestone.  Just a few minutes ago, I had the first female in my life ever to tell me to put the toilet seat down.  Aside from the slight embarrassment (and huge flush of relief that came to realize that she saw it up before her mom did), I felt a sense of… becoming- not quite pride, but accomplishment; the feeling of passing on into being not just a boy, but maybe even a man.

My 21st birthday is in 3 days.

I’ve been thinking about it for about 5 months now, and I’ve finally decided that I am, in contradiction of everything I’ve said before, going to cut my hair.  Yes, I’ve said before that I don’t:

1)  go around wearing what I wear or looking what I look like just to make things easier for everyone else.  I do this for ME.
2)  follow gender stereotypes, because if I think that’s what makes me a man, then I might as well just pack up and go home.
3)  want to go through transition for the sake of being a man, I do it for the sake of being MYSELF.

I still hold to those standards, but the funny thing is, I feel like a completely different person today than I did five months ago.  I feel that short hair would suit me better as I am, that I’m really not trying to live up to that scruffy biker/metalhead image anymore, that I want a softer, shaggy, more boyish cute faggy look as I settle into my male self.  (Plus Hilary Swank looked awfully cute in short hair in Boys Don’t Cry.)  In fact, I could go on listing a thousand reasons I’ve changed my mind- it doesn’t matter.  I will never abandon my resolution to be myself, and if I tried to hold to an image that I was before but not now, just to prove something to anyone else, then I’ve lost sight of that.

This cutting of my hair will also mark the passing of another landmark, no matter how I try to downplay it.  I’ve had long hair for my entire life, as long as I can remember, and losing it will almost be a point of no return.  I may grow my hair long again, in the future when my features have masculinized again, but for now, this is my aggressive visual act of manhood to those around me.  It says, “this isn’t just something I’m saying, or a phase.  I’m serious about this.”  If nothing else, I hope that it will be a constant reminder of what pronoun to use.

So, I’ve decided that, the night before I get it done, I’m going to make almost a ceremonial gesture, an act of severance to the female life behind me.  My friends and I are going to go out for a night on the town, and I’m going in full drag as a female.  There will be nothing questionable about it- I’ll be gussied up in every way possible, from corset to makeup and hairdo, head to toe.  It will be very symbolic as the last time I ever don the female garb, and at the end of the night I’ll remove every piece and say goodbye to the life behind me.

I’m calling it my Severance Ball: my rite of passage from a female body into a male one, and I feel that at the end of that night, I will have no regrets and will never look back.

Testosterone makes economic game players more fair.

The subjects in question were more perceptive of social status.

The woman on the phone was practically whispering. She had a question she wanted answered.  Did low libido (lack of interest in sex) mean a man couldn’t “do it”?

It became clear as the conversation continued that she suspected her husband was using low libido as an excuse to refuse to have sex on some occasions, while coming on strong when it suited him.

She wanted the definitive answer: if a man had low libido did that mean he couldn’t get an erection. And if he could, did that mean he didn’t have low libido?

The conversation terminated abruptly – the impression was the man under discussion had entered the room – and so the caller never stayed long enough to get the answer she probably didn’t want to hear – that it’s just not that simple.

Most men with lack of libido can achieve erections, but have lost the desire to have sex.

Out-of-Sync:  Feelings and Physical Arousal

Sex therapist David Schnarch Ph D. says physical arousal and subjective arousal do not always occur hand-in-hand. You can be obviously physically aroused, but not feel that way. And conversely, you can feel a strong sense of desire, but find your body is not responding.

Says Dr Schnarch in Resurrecting Sex (Harper Collins) “Subjective arousal has to do with what you’re feeling (or not) about what your body’s doing. Sexual desire has more to do with your interest in engaging in sexual behaviour. Low desire is always relative to other factors – age, sex, health and life context.  Low desire generally shows up as persistent lack of sexual fantasies and disinterest in sexual activity.”

David Schnarch notes men are just as likely to experience low desire problems as women – between a third and a half depending on which research you believe – but men are loathe to report it.

Low Libido Second Most Common Men’s Problem

Low libido is the second most common sexual dysfunction in men after premature ejaculation according to a recent issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association. And a loss of “mojo,” as film character Austin Powers would put it, is also very difficult for men to discuss, despite the help available from health professionals.

“Impotence and loss of libido are two very separate things,” says Richard Milsten, M.D., a New Jersey-based urologist and coauthor of “The Sexual Male” (W.W. Norton and Company).

“However, men who experience impotence commonly experience a decrease in libido over time,” he adds. When libido drops and impotence is not a problem, there are numerous factors a doctor might suspect as the cause.

While any illness can decrease sex drive, some conditions, such as thyroid disease, tumors of the pituitary gland (which controls most hormone production, including sex hormones) and depression, are directly linked to low libido, says Dr Milsten.

Low Libido Relationship Problems

Desire problems drain intimacy and good feelings from the relationship.

One in five married couples has a non-sexual marriage (being sexual less than ten times a year). Three in ten non-married-couples who have been together longer than two years have a non-sexual relationship.

As the woman caller mentioned at the start indicated, if a man reports low libido his partner often feels rejected and suspects it is just her he doesn’t desire. That can lead to a lack of trust and further emotional conflicts.

Are there any medicines for low sexual desire?

Drugs for ED such as Cialis, Levitra and Viagra have no effect on sexual desire – only on erections. Raising testosterone levels, either through injection, patch or herbs like tribulus terrestris, can help. And a number of other herbal remedies that have reported good results in stimulating men’s desire, including horny goat weed, tongkat ali, and muira puama.

Read more about these herbs and natural sex enhancer Herbal Ignite at www.herbalignite.com.

Long blamed for aggression, promiscuity and even greed, some of testosterone’s alleged effects may be all in the mind.

Women who receive a boost of the potent sex hormone act more generously than women on a placebo, a new study finds. But the hormone’s reputation seemed to precede itself. Those who suspected they had received bona fide testosterone acted more selfishly than those who believed they got the bogus treatment, no matter what they actually received.

“Almost everybody believes that testosterone has these aggression-enhancing effects,” says Ernst Fehr, a neuroeconomist at the University of Zurich, Switzerland, who led the study.

This platitude may be true in some situations, but not all. The hormone’s real role is to push men and women to seek higher status, says Fehr. His team tested this hypothesis in women because previous research had established for women how long an external dose of the hormone remains in the body.

They asked 121 women given testosterone or a placebo to play a simple game in which cooperation is paramount. Called the ultimatum game, one participant is given $10 but must offer some of it to another woman. If the second woman rejects the offer, the first loses her money.

Generous women

If testosterone plays a role in status-seeking, participants given the hormone should fear rejection more than others and so should make more generous offers, Fehr says.

That’s precisely what the team found – but only after accounting for people’s hunches about whether they had received testosterone or a placebo. Women on the placebo tended to offer $3.40, while those given the hormone tendered an average of $3.90.

Those who falsely believed they were on testosterone, however, offered about $1 less than women who believed they had taken the placebo.

When probed on their beliefs about testosterone, participants tended to buy into conventional wisdom, saying, “Oh, testosterone would make me more egotistic, more risk-taking and more aggressive,” Fehr says.

Greedy men

Such bias could explain the discrepancy between Fehr’s study and another study presented at an October meeting. A team led by Paul Zak and Karen Redwine of Claremont Graduate University in California found that testosterone makes college-age men – those in their early 20s – act more greedily when they played a similar ultimatum game. But these researchers did not probe their participants’ beliefs about testosterone.

“I wouldn’t expect the effects to be different for males and females,” says Jack van Honk, a psychologist at the Utrecht University, the Netherlands, not involved in either study.

Moreover, van Honk thinks the study shows that testosterone’s reputation as an antisocial agent is wrong and that hormones can have different effects on behavior depending on the context. “It shows, in my opinion, that you cannot talk about good and bad hormones,” he says.

Journal reference: Nature, DOI: 10.1038/nature08711

Well, I’m not in the overly dramatic, slightly weird and insane mood I was when I wrote to you two last…but I still need to complete part two of the miniseries…so here goes (minus the strange comments and weirdness).

As I told you in my last post…or, keeping with the theme…“Previously on…”, last Friday (well, actually two Friday’s ago now – how time flies when you’re blogging!) I had a blood test and SA done in preparation for our first meeting/consultation with our new FS – Dr S. I wasn’t expecting good news – just seems that nothing’s really been happening – not sure how you tell whether Pregnyl injections are causing an increase on your Testosterone levels (other than a marked change in libido or spots/pimples), but there hadn’t been any obvious signs that the extended course had had any effect. I spent the weekend trying very hard not to think about the results, but kept catching myself doing just that and spiralling downwards into mild depression…felt like the end of the road for me, my testes and my dreams of my own genetic children.

So, it was a long and painful weekend in a lot of respects. I kept telling myself not to worry – there’s no point worrying until you’ve got the results…but easier said than done. Promised myself I’d phone the clinic at 12:01 Monday afternoon – the nurses should have both sets of results by then…that way we would be prepared for the likely options the new FS would give us, and have decided how we felt on each of them, before he gave them to us.

On an aside, your mom and I have a strange way of preparing for these FS appointments (well, I think it’s strange, but maybe that’s how most people approach them). It always feels best going into these consultations thinking you know what the options are going to be and having spent plenty of time talking about and analysing our feelings on each of them before hand…that way, when the FS does ask you for your feelings on them, you have a considered answer rather than sitting there in the heat of the moment, trying to make decisions… It also helps us to feel like we’re on the same page, singing from the same hymn sheet and all those other metaphors for being in total agreement. Now the FS is probably expecting you to hear his suggestions and advice and go home and think about it before scheduling another appointment to update him on our decision and agreeing the resulting POA…but we don’t like that approach…we want to have thought about every possible scenario, talked it through between the two of us, and know what we’ll do in each case, so that when the FS tells us the situation/options, we can look at each other, nod, and tell him how we’d like to proceed. I’m not sure if it’s your mom’s A-type personality, the sense that we want to get on with things and a two-week delay between getting results and agreeing a POA is unnecessary time-wasting, or that we prefer to discuss these options in the privacy of our own home with just the two of us, but this is the way we seem to approach these consultations. Whatever the reason, the important thing is to have the results before the consultation, so that we hopefully have some idea of what the FS is going to say.

So, I spent all weekend planning to phone the clinic Monday lunch time. Then Monday rolls around and I’m so neck-deep in work that I forget…doh! When I realise the time and phone the clinic…it’s too late..no answer…what a dufus!!

First thing Tuesday morning, I take a couple of deep breaths and dial the number for the clinic…wait for the automated telephone prompts, press ‘2′ to speak to the nurses before the voice has even finished saying ‘Welcome to…‘…then wait with sick feeling for a nurse to answer. Nurse answers, tell her why I’m calling, wait with even sicker feeling while she finds our file…

“I’m sorry to tell you, but the news is not good…” Kaboom…my world crashing down…picture long cheesy death scene…that’s Hope dieing there, rolling on the ground, groaning and gasping, one hand in the air, begging for another chance…slow lingering death…that’s that then.

Zero sperm and a miniscule increase in T levels, well within the margin for error in the testing – so effectively no change.

The two weeks of Pregnyl shots that stretched into 3 months of Pregnyl shots to see if my testes would respond has shown zero response. The ‘quick answer’ route that became the ‘not so quick answer’ route has given us zero improvement.

I hang up the phone…no tears, I’m too numb for that…just a surreal feeling that the end of the line has been reached. I’ve come to terms with using a sperm donor, but the longer we’ve been on this journey, the more desperate I’ve become for you guys to be mine, genetically as well as in all the other ways you will be my kids. I pop your mom an email – not the best option, but I’m really not sure I’m up to talking to her at the moment…hearing the sadness in her voice may just finish me off. I log on to Fertilicare to see what everyone else is up to…I can’t stop myself posting about the results…it feels like I need to vent and let it out, feeling all sad and vulnerable, beaten and abused…drama queen moment in the extreme.

Fortunately, the kind folks on Fertilicare post responses of support, rather than ridicule me for being such a drip of a drama-queen wuss…I pull myself together a bit and head off to the clinic to meet your mom and the new FS.

Get to the clinic and meet your mom in the parking lot…she gives me one of those huge big tight-squeeze hugs that make me feel so loved and it takes multiple swallows to stop myself bursting into big fat body-wracking sobs…feeling like a big girls blouse at the moment…fragile, weak and pathetic.

Slowly up the stairs to the clinic – what a difference a few days make – just last week I was bounding up these same stairs ready to meet the embarrassment of an SA with head held high..today, it’s like the walk of the condemned…like ‘Dead man walking’ or ‘The green mile’…surely there should be a soundtrack…the death march…

The short wait in the reception area gives me enough time to suck it up and pull myself together. Receptionist calls us and leads us to our new FS’s office…right past the door of the old FS – hope he doesn’t see us and make eye-contact – I’ll feel terrible, like we’re betraying him, cheating on him with another man – fortunately his door is closed as we walk past.

New FS is young, friendly and seems able to string a sentence together…this is better. We shake hands, sit down and the first thing he says is…”I’ve read through your whole file…” – amen. He’s looked through all the notes, tests, results, etc…he’s taken the time to understand our situation before we met…great news.

He starts off asking us to tell him how we’re feeling, where we think we’re at, and this leads into a long discussion where he explains things, tells us when what we’ve said is correct, or what other things we should understand to get a fuller picture (there’s only so much that Dr Google can explain).

He says he doesn’t even want to talk to us about sperm donors at this stage – we’re not there yet. Your mom looks over at me with this big brown eyes, cartoon round and sparkling with nearly shed tears at this comment. All I can do is reach out and hold her hand, give it a squeeze and continue to pay attention to our new hero.

He talks us through everything, explains about the body, the process, the protocols, everything…he says more in 15 minutes than our previous FS said in 3 appointments. He quotes case histories of other guys he’s treated with similar (but not the same…I’m special I am) issues and talks us through the results they got. He explains why we may not have had any results yet. He says he’s figured out a protocol that he would like to put me on, but wants to get a second opinion from the MFI expert – Prof Kruger – the god of MFI and the reason we came to this clinic. He has a long consultation over the phone with the Prof, while we’re there listening and they concur on the protocol. Now we’re talking!!

The long and the short of it is that he puts me on this new protocol. It’s three shots of Menopur and one of Pregnyl each week. He wants me on this for 6-9 months. I’m a bit worried about this initially – that’s a long time and your mom is chomping at the bit to be pregnant. But, he thinks we shouldn’t give up hope. He tells us that this new protocol WILL have results. There are several caveats to that – the main one being that we may still not get viable sperm, but he’s adamant that we will have some results. It’s just going to take an aggressive protocol and time…

We leave him feeling like we’re on cloud nine…your mom grips my hand tightly while we sit waiting for the nurse to gather all the meds, needles, syringes and swabs. We opt to take 3 months supply and they have to give us a little case to put it all in!! We look like drug barons with enough ’sharps’ for half of Cape Town to shoot up.

So we leave the clinic, far happier than we arrived. We still have to remain realistic – there are no guarantees! There’s still a very real possibility that we may be hunting for Zorro in the future. But for now, we have a new hero, a new POA, a new timescale, we have a target, but above all else…we have HOPE.