HELLO SERVANTS.  THIS IS TROUBLE THE KITTY.  I AM TOLD THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN AWARDS AND MEME SHOW TODAY.  ALL RIGHT, FIRST IS THE ISLAND PRINCESS AWARD WHICH WAS GIVEN TO TRIXIE THE FLUFFY BIG CLUMSY DOG BY PINK DAISY:

PINK DAISY GAVE THIS AWARD TO TRIXIE THE FLUFFY BIG CLUMSY DOG BECAUSE TRIXIE HAS TO PUT UP WITH DENNIS AND TUCKER. LET ME JUST SAY THAT I AM TOTALLY IN SUPPORT OF THIS SENTIMENT. ON BEHALF OF TRIXIE, WHO IS CURRENTLY IN OUTER SPACE ON HER WAY TO THE CHICKEN PLANET, I WILL PASS THIS PRINCESS AWARD TO THE FOLLOWING OTHER PRINCESSES.  THIS IS FROM A LIST THAT I FOUND WHILE I WAS RIFLING THROUGH TRIXIE’S THINGS AFTER SHE LEFT SO I AM PRETTY SURE SHE WAS PLANNING TO GIVE THIS AWARD TO THEM.  I’M NOT SURE HOW MANY OF THEM LIVE ON AN ISLAND BUT YOU CAN’T EXPECT A BIG CLUMSY DOG TO BE ABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF SUCH THINGS.

• SAMMIE THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER PRINCESS
• SOPHIE THE PRINCESS WHO RULES THE WORLD
• HONEY THE GREAT DANISH DANCING PRINCESS
• PRINCESS KEALANI
• SASHA THE SASSY PRINCESS

OKAY NOW THAT JUST WORE ME OUT SO I AM GOING TO GO NAP FOR A FEW HOURS.  THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

LET’S TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN, ALL RIGHT, ANNOYING SMURF THING? ALL RIGHT, LET’S SEE … PINK DAISY ALSO TAGGED TRIXIE THE FLUFFY BIG CLUMSY DOG TO TELL SIX THINGS THAT MAKE HER HAPPY. THIS LIST WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LIST OF PRINCESSES SO I GUESS IT’S THE LIST OF THINGS THAT TRIXIE LIKES. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT BUT THEN I’M NOT A BIG CLUMSY DOG.

1. GETTING BRUSHED BY DADA (HMMM, I LIKE THAT TOO!)
2. GETTING PET BY DADA (ME TOO!)
3. GETTING TREATS FROM DADA (ME TOO!!!  MAYBE TRIXIE IS NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER BIG CLUMSY DOGS AFTER ALL!)
4. PLAYING CHASE WITH DENNIS (ME TOO — OH NO WAIT I HATE THAT)
5. ROMPING IN THE OCEAN AT FIESTA ISLAND (WHAT?!  GOING  IN THE WATER?  SHE MUST BE INSANE!)
6. INTIMIDATING TROUBLE THE KITTY (WHAT?!?!?!?  OH YEAH TRY TO INTIMIDATE ME FROM OUTER SPACE WHY DON’T YOU!!!!)

I CAN’T BELIEVE I ALMOST THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH THAT BIG FLUFFY DOG!  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!  JUST FOR THAT I AM GOING TO TAG SOME KITTIES FOR THIS MEME AND THROW AWAY TRIXIE’S LIST!

• REESE THE KITTY
• ANYA KARELTJE THE KITTY
• ANGUS MHOR THE KITTY
• HURL GREY THE KITTY
• GEORGE BOFUR AND THE EVIL FRED THE KITTIES

AND FINALLY BECAUSE THIS IS ALSO AN ART SHOW I HAVE THIS WORK FROM THE PURPLE HATTER, WHO ALSO CREATED THE ISLAND PRINCESS AWARD:

THIS IS VERY APPROPRIATE FOR TODAY’S SHOW BECAUSE AS A CAT I AM COMPLETELY ENTITLED TO BE WORSHIPED BY EVERYONE I MEET. I WOULD LIKE TO PASS THIS ALONG TO ALL MY WORSHIPERS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO HAVE CATNIP.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT … PURR PURR PURR

Later …

It absolutely amazes me that I could be the exact target audience for a book.  And by that I mean a Jonathan Coulton/They Might Be Giants listening, Battlestar Galactica obsessed, Loren Coleman fan, with a decent grasp of US history, and ties to the outer edges of Massachusetts’ Pioneer Valley.  OK, I guess that actually describes everyone who hangs out on Doombot, but you’ve gotta admit that’s fairly specific.

Anyway, John Hodgeman’s second book of fake knowledge is a great improvement over the still brilliant original.  The joke mostly remains the same, Hodgeman rattles off absurdities with an amazingly authoritative voice, and then finishes up with a list of 700 silly names (with molemen replacing the Hobos of the first book).  Many of these jokes have just enough ties to reality (i.e. Weekend At Burnies was inspired by United Artists filming a Pink Panther movie with the corpse of Peter Sellers) to make you momentarily question reality.  It’s a great shtick, and it’s amazing just how well Hodgman is able to pull it off throughout the book.

This is maybe the greatest bathroom book I’ve ever read, something you can pick up for 2 minutes and come back to later.  However, that’s also why it took me 6 months to finish, which is something I’m not terribly proud of.

I went to my first book discussion group meeting last night (what a great time; I wish I had known about it sooner). While poking around the group’s parent organization’s website, I’ve inadvertently stumbled upon the excellent blogs of two of the group’s members. One such blog had the following book meme:

More Information Than You Require

By John Hodgman

Published October 21, 2008

Dutton Adult

368 pp.

ISBN 0-525-95034-9

Reviewed October 14, 2008

If you only know John Hodgman as the perennially outclassed PC of Apple’s “Mac vs. PC” ads, you are missing so much of who he is. If your knowledge extends to his recurring role as resident expert of Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show,” you’re still only scratching the surface. And if you’ve gotten to his 2005 faux almanac “The Areas of My Expertise,” you know he captures the title of the most oddly brilliant writer in literature today.

And if you haven’t gotten to his new book “More Information Than You Require,” shame on you. Once again, Hodgman has written a book filled with made-up facts on subjects ranging from gambling to presidential elections to how he plans to spend his enormous wealth. The book is a direct sequel to “The Areas of My Expertise” in every way: it begins exactly where that book left off (page 237), has the same format of lists/predictions/hoboes and is once again a book you can’t read in public because everyone stares at you for laughing so hard.

The closest equivalents to Hodgman’s fiction-masquerading-as-truth style are The Daily Show’s “America: The Book” and Stephen Colbert’s “I Am America (And So Can You!),” but his books avoid being limited to one area of study. His topics oscillate between counting how many United States presidents have had hooks for hands (eight), the best way to cook an owl (goat sacrifice is involved) and racing hermit crabs for money (the winning strategy is to use trained falcons against the competition).

In the hands of a lesser author these facts would fall apart into babble, but Hodgman – a Yale graduate and professional literary agent – has a rare gift for holding it all together. He admits at the beginning that every single fact in the book is one he made up himself, and then goes on to state each one in a matter-of-fact tone, even supplementing them with footnotes that call back to facts even more patently absurd.

The footnotes help hold his structure together, as does the addition of a “Today in History” feature where every page has an additional fact about what happened during that day. These facts are more random than the rest of the book, though it does contain an interesting narrative on raining teeth and dead frogs on two major American cities back in 1981.

The overlay of multiple facts in “More Information” also means that it has endless potential for re-reading, as – for example – you’ve likely been so caught up in learning that you cannot eat oysters in months that lack the letter “R” (their screaming months) you missed the note that Amelia Earhart and Quetzalcoatl sit on the blood thrones and will soon judge us all.

Special mention goes to Hodgman’s section on the mysterious world of the mole-men, a follow-up to his previous anthropological study of hoboes (and the 700 accompanying hobo names that inspired the illustrations of e-hobo.com). It’s the most cohesive of the sections, building a narrative that reveals how the mole-men not only collaborated with Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence, but they also access the surface world through Paris catacombs, ride a variety of hideous steeds such as dirt pumas and really like doing it “molely-style.”

And of course, the book contains 700 mole-man names sure to inspire another illustrative website. I eagerly await seeing artistic renditions of names such as Drew Danglemites, Tremont Crawsalong and Nick Nolte.

It’s prudent to start with “Expertise” (particularly to follow footnotes referring back to the first book) but doing so isn’t essential to enjoying “More Information.” In fact, nothing is essential to enjoying the book beyond simply opening it. It’s as Hodgman has been writing down all the random late-night conversations you’ve ever had thanks to drugs or boredom or sleep deprivation, and compiled them into one whole text – except he’s been far cleverer with it than you could ever hope to be.

Bud Selig hasn’t been an awful comissioner. He hasn’t been great. But considering some of the winners who were baseball comissioners? You could argue that he’s in the Top 3.

Really. You want to say Spike Eckert or Happy Chandler is ahead of him? You would be wrong. That being said?

This latest idea? Ridiculous.

Okay, here’s the thing. Those who love baseball know about the majestry of the Negro Leagues. Josh Gibson was the greatest power hitter that you’ve never heard of. Satchel Paige was a mystical creature of both baseball and age-defying protein powder. Cool Papa Bell was the single greatest force for good in baseball history.

And having teams mock draft Negro Leage Superstars destroys that. Having the Tampa Bay Rays draft Josh Gibson means nothing to extend the knowledge of the baseball fan. 

“OOH! A POWER HITTING CATCHER WE’RE NOT REALLY GONNA GET! AWESOME!” 

Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this.

If they say that the Minnesota Twins drafted Willie Wells. Would a Twins fan give a shit? If the Dodgers signed Ted Radcliffe? Would the Dodger fan give a shit?

No. They wouldn’t. This doesn’t even have the symbolic value of an all-time team. 

You want to have the Negro Leagues honored? Easy. You want to market the great African-Americans of Today’s game? Even easier.

I have a two birds with one stone pitch for Major League Baseball. It’s a free one.

You have your modern day African-American player. Let’s say for this example…

Jimmy Rollins.

And it would be Jimmy. Simply staring into a camera, holding a picture of Willie Wells.

And then he gives us a quick 25 second synopsis on Mr. Wells.

“Willie Wells was nicknamed El Diablo for his trademark intensity. A great all around player, he had a career .328 average and was absolutely masterful with the glove. He taught Jackie Robinson the art of the double play and played 18 seasons in the Negro Leagues. But do you know what he’s best known for?”

Jimmy Rollins taps his batting helmet.

“Willie Wells was the first ever to use a batting helmet.”

And then you flash the MLB logo. And then the slogan.

“These are our heroes.”

It’s a freebie, MLB. It’s a freebie.