Avid readers among you will know that I recently got my first ever tattoo on the top of my back. Since then, I have been scouring shops to try and find some pretty low-backed tops.

    I have a number of vests and strapless dresses which show it off, but they are all very plain and I wanted something with a little more pattern. In River Island yesterday, I found this pretty, little number below… But upon bringing it home, I can’t quite decide if I like it or not…

    I love the style of it. I love the cut at the front and I love the low back but with the added detail of the string across the top of the back…

    But as I looked at it in the light of my own mirror, I couldn’t work out if the pattern was perhaps a tad too much. I like the bows tied on each side of the top and I love the grey and black colours together. I love the skull and crossbones design over the top and I adore the sequined butterfly appliqué on the front. But do I love them all together? Hmm…

Please all let me know what you think… Even The Fashion Police need help too sometimes

Get free shipping on orders over $50–and $50 goes a long way at Target! (Target)

I keep hearing raves about this universal brow & highlighter pencil (Sephora)

Celebrity styles from the likes of Kate Moss and Rachel Bilson (and more) on a budget (Frugal-Fashionista)

Online coupons & discounts from places such as Gap, American Apparel, Victoria’s Secret and more! (College Fashion)

Because crazy people wanna look good, too! (The Fashion Police)

Beautiful Maxi Dresses under $30 (The Fashionable Housewife)

Here’s a great read for those who get jealous stares when you’re dressed fashion forward (College Fashion)

Win a pair of Aerosoles “Sprinkle” Dress Shoes (The Budget Fashionista)

I am determined not to be behind with question time this week.  Standards have been slipping and I am the first to hold my hand up and admit that it was my fault.  Normal service has been resumed, but with an imminent trip to Norfolk in the offing, how long this will last I have no idea, so let’s make questionable hay while the sun shines.

Item One – Please don’t ask me any more about the Alien Fizz Pods.  People have been searching.  I still don’t know.  Nobody will talk to me about them. I’m probably being watched by an X Files type corporation and I’m beginning to get really twitchy about it.  Until someone is prepared to stand up and be counted on the issue of Alien Fizz Pods, cut it out.

Item Two – The most hotly asked question this week has been; ‘What are the naughty pictures that Jeremy Clarkson keeps showing on Top Gear?’  I don’t know.  Do I blog like the sort of woman who would know?  I love Jezza dearly, despite the fact that he still hasn’t contacted me with an offer of driving lessons (I live in hope).  Nevertheless I am unaware of his proclivities on the rude photograph front.  My best guesses would be:

• Some frost bitten penises
• Someone tucking into a bit of dead penguin with no clothes on (he does like eating strange wildlife after all)
• Pictures of James May in the bath
• Pictures of Richard Hammond riding a hamster round a paddock clad only in a velvet riding hat and wielding a tiny crop.
• Jodie Marsh doing it with the Mitchell Brothers on the bonnet of a Ford Fiesta dressed as Beelzebub and wearing a Kristin Scott Thomas mask with holes for eyes.

Like I say.  I’m just guessing.  Now let’s get down to the proper questions.

Give us a clue Barbara Windsor.

I often feel like that about Barbara Windsor.  She’s quite an enigmatic kind of woman really.  I think it’s the towering hair that does it.  She’s sort of like a miniature version of Marge Simpson.  Then you wonder if Matt Groening actually watched The Carry On Films and used them as raw material for the Simpsons, or whether Barbara notices that she looks a bit like Marge and it all just whirls round and round in your head and before you know it you’re thinking about Una Stubbs and whether it’s a play, a book or a film and all is lost…

How long does it take for pineapple juice?

About twenty years I think.  Only if you use the Paleolithic method.  If you use the machinery they invented during the Thirty Years War in Sweden it takes about a week, but it gets very messy.  One man who got a bit overenthusiastic during the piping of the shank handle actually blew his own leg off at the knee.  If he’d have worn shin pads, as it showed in the diagrams he’d have been fine.  You can’t afford to get cocky with pineapples.  Gently does it.  The Thirty Years War was actually started by a heated discussion over pineapple juice between a Franco-Prussian Dictator and the King of Sweden.  The one who sounded like a pig squealing when he burst into tears.  Modern methods on the other hand reduce the time to about half an hour, but the taste is very inferior, which is why purists are going back to the Paleolithic stuff.  Apparently it’s all about the way you grind.  And, as an added tip for you, because you asked me so nicely, Mr Del Monte says there is no substitute for a hand made, copper bottomed flange sprungler.

How to make hamsters out of pipe cleaners.

• Take two pipe cleaners of equal length.
• Fashion them together with pink angora wool at the top and bottom ends.
• Place them in a well ventilated shoe box (poke holes in the lid with a broken biro.  If your biro isn’t broken it will be after you poke holes in the lid of a shoe box with it).
• Make sure the shoe box is lined with a finely ground layer of organic egg shells.
• Add a layer of teased cotton wool balls, approximately half an inch thick.
• Place the conjoined pipe cleaners on top of the cotton wool.
• Add a twenty pence piece, a bicycle clip, a quarter of an ounce of finest shag tobacco and a Dairy Lea cheese triangle.
• Sprinkle a pipette’s worth of Lamb’s Navy Rum over the prone pipe cleaners.
• Shut the lid and tie it tightly with a shredded hair net, held together with a silver thimble.
• Put it in the airing cupboard facing the East for a week.
• Check on it daily, making a forty five degree turn of the box every day whilst singing ‘That’s Amore’ by Dean Martin, acapella style.
• On the seventh day remove the box from the airing cupboard.
• Take it carefully into the garden and place it under a picnic table.
• Cut the hairnet seal with a pair of copper plated fruit scissors.
• Open the box and you should find two tiny hamsters (one of each sex) nestled together for warmth inside the box.  They will be joined at the left foreleg by a tiny red string.
• If you break the string, you break the spell and you will wake up to find two pipe cleaners running noisily round your hamster wheel.
• Good luck.

Spanking Stoke on Trent.

It’s good to have big dreams.  Dreams of greatness that propel you on to the heights of your ambition and give you the moon on a stick.  I would warn you though, that unless you’ve got mighty, Kenny Everett style hands, you are never going to be able to spank the whole of Stoke on Trent in one go.  My advice would be to break it up by postcode districts and work up to it from there.  I’ll alert Norris McWhirter.

Straw made sheep sick.

Make them drink out of a beaker then like every normal shepherd.  You’re not in Alicante now.  It’s not Happy Hour at the Eldorado Bar n Grill anymore.  It’s fourteen pints of Ruddles Mild down the snug and none of your fancy umbrella muck.

Name for Ray Mears’ hedgehog.

1. Samantha
2. Ray Junior
3. Bear Grylls (the bastard)
4. Farquarharson Mungojerry Potherington the Third (if it’s a pedigree hedgehog)
5. Lunch (this is, sadly, the more likely option)

When to worry about a horsefly bite.

• When the horsefly is the size of Glenfield Co-op and is hovering over your house like Godzilla waiting to smash its foot into your greenhouse and your neighbours are cowering in terror.
• If you’re a termite
• If it’s wearing dentures
• If it’s a vampire horsefly
• When it’s so big you have to buy it its own clothes.
• If it explodes and drowns you.
• If people run away from you screaming about buboes when you hove into view.

Does beetroot make you put on weight?

Only if it’s eight stone or more and you have to climb up it using crampons and a rope, finding snow on the top, and you have to carve it with a sabre and an ice pick.  Or if it’s the very rare breed of incredibly heavy, expanding beetroot known as ‘bloodyhellthatsheavicus’.  They require an armoured tank and a wrecking ball to harvest them, so they’re not a popular crop.  Storage also involves reinforced girders and engineering prowess.  You should be safe.

How much pooh can a small boy hold?

About forty eight metric tonnes of pooh per square metre of child is my latest calculations based on how much shit I’ve had to shovel in the last week.  You have my sympathy.  I do feel however, that in these situations ignorance is bliss, and it’s really best not to know.  Let it be a nice surprise.

Is Katyboo a real name?

I expect so.  After all, if you can call your child Tallulah does the Hula in Hawaii and get away with it for several years then you can say that almost anything is a real name.  I doubt that your daughter would be thanking you with effusive hugs and lavish gifts if you do decide to name her that though, so think on.  Not only do you have to fear the wrath of the name police (who all have sensible names like John, Brian and Derek, unlike the Fashion Police who are all called Sasha and Tanya)  Just remember, they will be responsible for your welfare when you are old and in thrall to the Stannah Stairlift.  It does make you more mindful of rash decisions now when you think that if you end up in the Shady Homes retirement home smelling of cat wee and lavender, talking to the wall, while Katyboo whoops it up with your life savings, you will have nobody else to blame but yourself.

I chose it by the way because my name is Katy and my daughter’s nickname was Boo.  Not because my parents were mean enough to saddle me with such a name.  I nearly got called Isolde, so I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies.

Is Tallulah imaginary?

If she is I would like to sue my imagination and get my money back please.

Is Katy’s hair natural?

As my friend once said of someone else: ‘if her hair wasn’t so horrible you would swear that was a wig, but who would fork out good money to look like that?  It must be real.’  I rest my case.

Alien in my desk.

Do you work in Glenfield Co-op? That would explain it.  I would suggest you go for a transfer somewhere less near to the hell mouth.

Meaning of a dead bat.

• Your bat is dead
• The bat has ceased to be
• The bat has grown tired of its deluxe bat hotel and shuffled off this mortal coil
• It is an ex bat
• You don’t clean your house often enough.
• Your bat was very old.
• Your bat was very unhappy with life and couldn’t reach out because it’s tiny bat fingers were too weak to press the buttons on the phone and call the Samaritans.

So there it is, my own page.
I actually started this because I was sick of my old html website (which was really bad and… I didn’t really bother to change a thing since the day I made it, which was two years ago, ahem…).
The second reason I got me a blog is… there is a blog I read daily (well you couldn’t possibly guess that now, could you?) – Actually it’s not daily as I check for new entries at least twice a day. It’s fab, it’s fun and it’s brilliantly written – it’s theee faamoouuusss Fashion Police!

I’d say: Thou shalt have no other blogs before “The Fashion Police”. Period.
It’s by Amber McNaught, a scottish writer and it’s all about the good, the bad and the indeed very ugly of fashion. I luurrrve it and I higly recommend this to you, my dear audience.*

*I just imagine there really was somebody reading this.

As the Maltese are a highly well-dressed bunch and expect the same rigour from their elected representatives and their cronies, DCG never turns a blind eye to what her subjects are wearing…

On Jason Micallef:

• “I’ve noticed from my incessant viewing of political television at the moment that Jason ‘Robin’ Micallef likes to match his shoes to his tie, rather than to his trousers. I spent a very painful 20 minutes watching him in conversation with one of the Misses Dalli, legs crossed, dark suit, dark socks (fortunately not white) and light brown walking-shoes toning with his light brown tie. Hideous.” (TMI 02/03/08 http://www.independent.com.mt/news.asp?newsitemid=65892 )
• “…he was wearing those brown casual shoes again with his dark suit – only this time they weren’t even matched to his tie. Will somebody please buy the man a pair of formal black leather lace-ups, please?” (‘Anna Mallia reminds them about computer malfunctions’ – Running Commentary 15/03/08 )
• “Jason, read my lips. Men wear dark suits to funerals – especially to state funerals, when they are there in an official role.” (Please get this man a valet – Running Commentary 03/05/08 )

On Joseph Muscat:

• “…now here’s Metrosexual 1, strapping his watch over his cuff and wearing a chav bracelet on his right wrist. Well, what can I say? It would have to be a Labour leader to do something like that.” (‘Metrosexual 1 wears his watch over his cuff’ – Running Commentary 28/03/08 )
• “…Joseph Muscat, obviously thinking he’s hip and that he’s rocking an edgy look… Dressing inappropriately…remains atrocious manners… it doesn’t reveal your significance and importance, but your lack of good breeding…he’s gone for an open-necked shirt. Fine, but he needs to be told how to wear it…you pulled out what you thought was a suit at 6am when you couldn’t see straight. As for those brown shoes – oh God. Oh God. Oh God again. What is it with Joseph and Jason and their brown shoes? There is one very important reason, apart from the dictates of style and the male sartorial code, why you should never wear brown shoes with black trousers especially if you have short legs: they make your legs look even shorter. Black shoes with black trousers create an uninterrupted visual line from hip to toe. Brown shoes with black trousers chop your legs off at the ankle and emphasise their lack of length.” (‘May Day Fashion Parade’ – Running Commentary 5 May 2008 )

On Silvio Parnis:

• “Silvio, who I’m told was once a duttrina teacher (“Issa, tfal, se naraw ghaliex Gesu Kristu ma kienx juza l-gel. Elfejn sena ilu kienu kellhom biss iz-zejt taz-zebbuga.”)”
• “‘an old person’… who is dripping in hair-wax and keen to be thought of as hip or wicked (though he would say cool), is not going to persuade anyone to vote Labour. Both the boys and the girls will think of him as some kind of perv who is trying to pick them up.”
• “Mr Greaseball… You can see where this man is coming from: success = money (and a snazzy electric-blue two-seater convertible with a SIL number-plate). I hate to be nasty, (sic – Ahem!) but somebody should tell Silvio Parnis that no matter how much money he makes and how many old ladies he sucks up to, he’s going to stay working-class until the lid is nailed down on his coffin. And probably even after that, because I can just picture him getting some metallic spoilers for his heavenly wings and a couple of strategic zips for his heavenly frock, though where he will get hair-wax in the celestial hereafter is quite beyond me.” (‘Supermodel Silvio gives up on the old ladies’ – Running Commentary 18 April 2008 )

On Marie-Louise Coleiro Preca:

• “…we have Marie Louise Coleiro Preca, wearing a cheap black trouser-suit from the 1980s – totally out of fashion, devoid of style and completely unflattering – with a red scoop-neck top that doesn’t exactly harmonise with her jacket-lapels (pavri), nothing round her neck, and what appear to be flip-flops. She’s on the short side, so they might very well have a heel attached, in which case we will have to call them thong-sandals. Whatever they are, they are completely unsuitable because (1) they don’t chime with the 1980s suit and (2) bare toes at a May Day parade are a no-no for somebody seeking to become party leader and prime minister.” (‘May Day Fashion Parade’ – Running Commentary 5 May 2008 )

On Evarist Bartolo:

• “…what is he? Tal-Muzew? All he needs is one of those little badges at his neck and we’ll all start snatching our children away from him… here he is, dressed as a priest or some kind of lay religious person in at least three shades of black and charcoal. What a mess.” (‘May Day Fashion Parade’ – Running Commentary 5 May 2008 )