Last week, “after an appropriately terrifying level of debate,” the good people at Total Sci-Fi Online listed their top 100 horror movies of all time. Every last entry gets its own pithy capsule review, which makes for very enjoyable reading. But of course, a ranking like this will inevitably lead to differences of opinion. The Others in lowly 89th place, while the overrated A Nightmare on Elm Street nestles in 17th? And what are Drag Me to Hell and Scream doing in the rarified company of Creature from the Black Lagoon and Re-Animator? That dog won’t hunt, monsieur! I don’t entirely agree with their top 10, either, which looks like this:

• The Shining
• Rosemary’s Baby
• The Wicker Man
• Bride of Frankenstein
• Psycho
• Alien
• Night of the Living Dead
• The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
• Halloween
• Jaws

The Shining as the very pinnacle of celluloid horror? If you read OP-dEaD over the Halloween weekend, you know my choice for first place! In addition, I’d bump The Wicker Man, Bride of Frankenstein, Psycho and Alien in favor of Dawn of the Dead, Frankenstein, Suspiria and The Innocents. But then again, my preferences seem to change from day to day—you probably know the feeling! Besides a spot of rearranging, I’d also have to include plenty of favorites that Total Sci-Fi Online omitted. Was there really no room for The Hitcher? Robert Harmon’s existentialist slasher would thumb its way onto my list with ease. And here, in no particular order, are ten more missing movies that I’d include in my top 100: 

• The Changeling
• Bram Stoker’s Dracula
• The Phantom of the Opera (1943)
• The Lost Boys
• Frenzy
• 28 Days Later
• The Devil’s Backbone
• Profondo Rosso
• Shallow Grave
• Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Note: A big “thank you” to Undead Milkman for alerting me to the list in the first place!

Dharma Buns celebrates Halloween in Lowell with eerie, fun flicks!

Yes, yes, ’tis our favorite season, so we’ll get our horror film fix any way we can!

Enter Lowell’s newest hot spot, Dharma Buns, serving up great burgs, shakes, sandwiches, Belgian fries and an impressive selection of Belgian beer… what’s not to love? And they’ve ingratiated themselves to the LFC by announcing their special Halloween film lineup taking place on that magical night, October 31st, and billed as the 1st Annual Dharmaween Party.

I’m going to quote our friends at Dharma as I don’t want to get their info wrong — if you want to receive updates on the eatery, sign up for their e-mail list at www.dharmabuns.net.

Here’s the Halloween film lineup, per the Dharma Buns e-newsletter:

Films start at 7:30PM
The Hitcher (1986, dir. Robert Harmon)
The Fog (1980, dir. John Carpenter)
[REC] (2007, dir. Jaume Balagueró and Luis Berdejo)
Halloween (2007, dir. Rob Zombie).

Be advised that all films have been rated for mature audiences only. A 10% discount will be offered to all patrons who show up in costume! Food specials include “the Nightmare”: a grilled-to-order pastrami with provolone and sauteéd onions laid out on our signature baguette. At 7:30, enjoy the much-anticipated Late Night Munchies Menu, which will be available from Oct. 31 every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night after 11 PM. Late Night Munchies will include items like Sliders (miniature versions of our regular, turkey and veggie burgers), Nachos, Stuffed Mushrooms, Mini Italian Rice Balls, Chunky Milkshakes and more!

Whoa! What a rush! A semi-trailer truck slams into the side of your car and you scream into your CB radio. There is a “squelch” and a thick dark voice beckons; “Now that’s what I call fun!”

This is just a taste of what the new 20th Century Fox film “Joy Ride” is all about. “Joy Ride” stars Paul Walker (of “Fast & the Furious”) and Steve Zahn (of “Out of Sight“) as two brothers who meet up during a road trip to Colorado. Lewis (Walker) is reluctant to pick up his brother during the road trip. He is driving “half-way” across the country to pick up his girlfriend, Venna (Leelee Sobieski), who is attending college in Colorado. Lewis’ cross-country plan is temporarily thwarted when he has to pick up Fuller (Zahn), his older troubled brother who has just been released from prison.

The road trip turns into a nightmare when the brothers play a joke on a lonely trucker known only as “Rusty Nail”. The joke turns into a harrowing struggle of psychotic revenge as the trucker unleashes his wrath.

“Joy Ride” is one of those films that will captivate you from the opening fifteen minutes. It’s a heart-pounder that doesn’t disappoint. This movie mounts the tension and flays you alive. You twist, cover your eyes and it’s amazing how it even makes you laugh in key moments as well. Like “The Hitcher (1986)” and “Breakdown (1997)”, Joy Ride ranks among these pure adrenaline thrillers.

Paul Walker gives a naïve leading man performance that works well with Zahn’s mischievous brother. Their chemistry and dialogue in a lot of the long car conversations is priceless in making this film as work as well as it does. We could really hate the brother but we see the brother through Walker’s eyes and no matter his flaws we still love the shmuck. Also Zahn has perfected the “shmuck” persona over the years. Zahn is a perfect casting choice in that he really knows when to inject humor thus enticing the audience back into the film. As for Sobieski, she isn’t really explored until the second half of the film but she becomes a key in the film’s plot.

Anyone who has seen “the Hitcher” knows about the scene involving the girl (Jennifer Jason Leigh) between two trucks. Joy Ride pays homage to the scene with a moment of its own. The execution of it is flawless just like in “Hitcher”.

Placing the stars aside, the true magic of “Joy Ride” is the amount of tension that the movie lets course through your veins. You become apart of the experience and you feel with these characters. The only way that this movie could have been more shocking was if it was presented in IMAX format. That would be literally unbelievable.

Buckle that safety belt, grasp those arm rests, kiss your honey and hold on because “Joy Ride” could be the best psychological thriller this year.

4.5 out of 5

So Says the Soothsayer.

Starring: Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton, Kyle Davis, Neal McDonough
Directed by: Dave Meyers
Produced by: Michael Bay, Andrew Form, Brad Fuller

Download – 700mb

REVIEW:
Grace Andrews and Jim Halsey are a collegiate couple who are tormented by the mysterious hitchhiker John Ryder, a.k.a. The Hitcher. The young couple hit the road in a 1970 Oldsmobile 442, en route to spring break. But their pleasure trip soon turns into a waking nightmare. The initial encounters with Ryder are increasingly off-putting for Grace and Jim, and they bravely fight back when he ambushes..

Greetings All,

Time now for another massive combination post today. Sorry if they get to be a bit much, but it’s a lot easier than doing 85 separate posts, which would probably leave your head spinning.

First of all, I recently found the greatest place in the world (click on the picture to see the website):

My God. I am not kidding. This place was glorious.

I happened upon this humble eatery quite by accident after a long day of babysitting in the Cobble Hill area of Brooklyn. I was cruising for a “Congratulations, You Fail.” meal for myself, considering my recent hard luck here in the city (to be elaborated upon later.) I read the menu in the window, and no sooner than I had finished reading I was sat at a small table near the kitchen.

I ordered the first thing I saw on the beer menu that caught my eye, which was a Creme Brulee stout. It was supposed to be a dessert beer, but to be honest, I really didn’t care. It was a wonderfulcreamydelicious (and very potent) half-pint. It was exactly like drinking a Creme Brulee except the alcohol hadn’t all the way burned off. Lovely!

Next, after much deliberation and flipping about the menu in awe, I ordered the fried macaroni.

I wish that I could have kept this cuddly little ball of oil-scalded joy forever as a best friend in my jacket pocket, but alas, the allure of the melty-noodle insides got the better of me and I devoured him hastily with hot sauce of two varieties. I think the staff was worried I might have been kept somewhere without food for days, the voracious way I was eating.

Now, for the main course, I simply HAD TO HAVE fish & chips. It’s the measure of a good UK based restaurant. There were 2 kinds, and the waitress suggested I got the haddock. I was glad to have done what I was told. She returned shortly thereafter (as I was continuing to browse the menu and frantically, slightly tipsily, text-message my friends to tell them I had found heaven) with a hot plate filled to the brim with chips (NOT fries) and a strip of haddock, thi size of which would put the average oven-mit to shame.

I was really embarrassed and shocked when I couldn’t finish the majestic pile topped with vinegar, lemon juice, and ketchup. (note: I dislike tartar sauce, but I will tell you that this place is the closest I’ve ever been to liking tartar sauce.) I had it wrapped and went without dessert (which could have been fried sweets.) This is very unusual for me, who is usually a deep vortex of savage appetite. I had to ask about the “Twice Fried Cherry Pie” which was banned by the NY health dept. (really!), because you know if it was a direct cause of Heart Attack, it was very tasty. Arteries be damned!

It was the best $30 (including tax & tip) I had ever spent on myself. And they have takeaway if you live in the area! Truly dangerous!

—————————————

Next off, I recently attended a Musical Saw Festival (yes, that’s right.) In Astoria, Queens.

The festival was hosted of course by the “Saw Lady” Natalia Paruz at the Trinity Church. Now, as soon as I heard about this from my friend Nicki (my Saw sensei) I absolutely had to see it.

Saw players from all over the world (quite literally!) gathered into this small, hot church to see each other play and to break the Guiness World Record for “Largest Musical Saw Ensemble.” There were hundreds of people there, and mostly sawists, sawyers, and saw players. They were as young as 15 and as old as 83. They came from South Carolina, New York, Japan, Germany, and Guyana. 53 of them played “Ave Maria” all together to attempt to break the world record.

These were some of the most beautiful people I had ever seen. It really felt like a tightly-knit community, though we were all from far-off places.

I was so happy to attend, meet new people, and see others with the same passions. I met the great sawist Katharina Micada:

(She was positively sweet!) ,among others:

Nicki Jaine

Natalia

I had a marvelous time with these charming folks. I’m convinced we’re out of our minds in the best way possible.

Sawing with Katharina and Nicki in Union Square. Probably around 2am.

————————–

On my most recent adventure, last night I attended the Secret Mighty Boosh show at the Bowery Ballroom!

Now, if you’re not familiar with The Mighty Boosh, get familiar.

I found out the DAY BEFORE from a couple of far-away friends who couldn’t attend. I had no time for a costume, unfortunately, but I was still elated that this was actually happening. For FREE.

My friend Chris caved in and came here all the way from New Hampshire. We ventured over to Other Music for the signing of the new Boosh DVD coming out in the States. We quickly discovered that it would be difficult to wait in line for both this and the party coming later, so we dashed over to wait in line at the Bowery Ballroom around 4:30.I was curious if this was the right place, so I walked up a bit in the line and saw that Michael Fielding and Rich Fulcher were hanging out in the doorway. “Oh.” I said.

We waited in line for 4-ish hours in the rain. But we made the most of it. We made friends in line, who eventually helped us make a cardboard box and plastic bag fort to keep dry when umbrellas failed…

Breaking my fucking umbrella.

We went in teams down the block for cheap Chinese food. Rich Fulcher gave us high-fives for waiting. Some of us drank oversized Heinekens in paper bags. It was like homeless-camp. But well worth it, when the line finally moved and we were allowed in the lounge!

We drank beer, Gin & Tonic, Vodka & Tonic, and shots of Bailey’s (in honor of Old Gregg.) I drank a singular Gin & Tonic and split a shot because I’m too cheap for the bar there. About an hour later, we burst through the doors.

The crowd was huge, and still not everyone got in. We waited some more, but then, oh then…

(Psst…click the photo for the complete set! read the descriptions if you want to know what’s going on in the shot!)

The show was so much fun! Live comedy + DJ party dancestravaganza + chaos = a damn good night.

Thanks to the cast for coming to New York! You truly helped make my last week here for quite some time volumes better than it would have been otherwise!

Also, if you’re familiar with the Boosh, you’re probably familar with Noel Fielding, who plays the character of Vince Noir on the show. I’ve recently discovered some cooler-than-fucking-cool music videos starring the bemulleted young-lady tractor beam, Mr. Fielding. (If you don’t think he’s attractive, tell it to the crowd of barely-legals clobbering him in the on-stage clusterfuck that ensued at the end of the show last night.)

Enjoy!:

(The second one is from Noel’s girlfriend Dee’s band, which is pretty damn good.)

————————

And lastly, did you catch the part about “my last week”? Well, you read right. I’m heading back to New Hampshire early on Saturday this week. New York has been a little bit of a shit-show of poverty, struggle, and fraud for me and I really need a break from cities for a while.

Take my advice: If you do something spontaneously, be prepared for it to have a 50/50 chance of working out.

Never trust shady landlords or their building managers, you could lose a lot of money.

Sometimes, a tiny bit of planning and preparation is beneficial.

And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Au revoir, NYC. Until next we meet…

xo K

]]> http://henrydoesntlikeyou.wordpress.com/2009/06/27/henry-the-hitcher/ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 21:47:54 +0000 henrydoesntlikeyou http://henrydoesntlikeyou.wordpress.com/2009/06/27/henry-the-hitcher/

Plans sublimement vint4ge !

Je veux retrouver ces baskets. Une adresse ?

Ce film reflète les années ‘80 à la perfection, quand les thrillers étaient encore gentillets et les “héros” un peu trop niais. On y trouve  donc C. Thomas Howell qui, à part un rôle dans Outsiders de Coppola aux côtés de Matt Dillon, Patrick Swayze et Tom Cruise et une brève apparition dans E.T, semble être le favori des films de seconde zone. Le méchant est incarné par Rutger Hauer, l’inoubliable Roy Batty de Blade Runner, qui incarne ce personnage inquiétant à merveille. Et enfin, le principal personnage féminin est Jennifer Jason Leigh, qui a tourné dans plusieurs bons films (et continue d’apparaître régulièrement) mais qui reste si secondaire que son visage ne se grave dans aucune mémoire. La PPP en quelques sortes (Parfaite Petite Potiche). Le film a dû être jugé “pas si mauvais” puisqu’il a fait l’objet d’un remake en 2007, mais qui celui-là a l’air “vraiment mauvais”. Allez, à vous les studios !

J’ai eu la chance il y a peu d’acquérir des caisses entières de VHS datant de 1970 à 1999, soit la plupart des reliques de notre vieux video club du coin, totalement assassiné par l’arrivée du DVD. Et j’ai donc décidé d’inhumer petit à petit certains films qui ont marqué ma mémoire. Voici le premier.

A fantastic actor known for his iconic roll in Blade Runner and his wonderful portrayals as villains most of the time.

Best Movie: Blade Runner

Best Performance: Roy Batty (Blade Runner)

Scene:

Other Films With Rutgar Hauer:

• The Hitcher
• Sin City
• Batman Begins
• Eureka
• Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Once upon a time, I saw a movie called Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. It was a fabulous movie and in it was the character Boromir, played by Sean Bean.

Sean Bean

After I saw this movie a funny thing happened, Sean Bean…started stalking me! I saw National Treasure and he was in it. I saw Troy and he was in it. I watched an old James Bond movie and he was in it!!!

You see once you learn about Sean Bean and you recognize him… he will start stalking you too. You’ll start watching a movie and he’ll there, playing the villain or some side character. That’s what Sean Bean does. He’s rarely in the lead role, but instead he just likes to sneak his way in so you won’t see him coming.

….In all seriousness though, the reason I’m posting this is that Sean Bean has become somewhat of running joke with me and my friends. We try to name all his movies by memory or talk about him like he is some big star and other people have no idea who were talking about. ‘Sean Bean movies’ is a good question for Categories during Kings lol. Kind of random I know but keep an eye out and I promise you’ll see him around.

As for me, I can ‘t wait till Sean Bean unexpectedly pops back into my life again. =)

Sean Bean is in like everything but the big ones you might recognize are…

-Black Beauty, James Bond: Golden Eye, Patriot Games, Lord of the Rings, Equilibrium, Troy, National Treasure, The Island, Flightplan, The Hitcher, and Silent Hill.

Guilty Pleasure.

Es ist immer erfreulich, wenn ein Film den Erkenntnishorizont seines Publikums erweitert. Im Fall dieser Wiedergeburt der langlebigsten aller Horrorfilm-Serien zum Beispiel klärt eine schlichte Infotafel bereits zu Beginn darüber auf, dass ein Remake inhaltlich nicht identisch mit dem Original sein muss. Der fleißige Kinogänger hat sich das schon immer gedacht, jetzt bekommt er es endlich auch schwarz auf weiß (bzw. umgekehrt). – Welche dubiosen rechtlichen oder marktstrategischen Hintergründe diese Richtigstellung auch immer haben mag, der 2009er Baustein im nicht totzukriegenden Slasher-Franchise um den Mann mit der Hockeymaske hält sich daran und ist im Wesentlichen eben keine Neufassung des Films von 1980. Das hat seinen guten Sinn, denn die Figur selber, der die Serie ihre ungemeine Popularität verdankt, hatte in dem billig produzierten, mittelmäßig inszenierten und talentfrei gespielten Genrebeitrag überhaupt keinen Auftritt. Im Fahrwasser von „Halloween“ entstanden, bedienten sich Regisseur Sean S. Cunningham und Autor Victor Miller nicht nur fleißig bei John Carpenters erfolgreichem Vorstadthorror, sondern griffen auch beherzt bei „Psycho“ zu – nur dass eben die Rollen vertauscht wurden. Und so sorgte eine rachebesessene und geistig umnachtete Mutter für jede Menge ebenso einfallsreiches wie drastisches Abschlachten hormongesteuerter Teenager. Die stumme Ikone des Schlitzerfilms jedoch, Jason Voorhees (Vorsicht vor holländischen Einwanderern), erschien lediglich als untotes Kind in einer jener schockartigen Traumsequenzen, die seit De Palmas „Carrie“ so effektiv die Leichtgläubigkeit des Zuschauers ausnutzen und immer mal wieder für einen zusätzlichen Adrenalinstoß vor den End Credits gut sind. Unter der Regie des Deutschen Marcus Nispel mordet sich Jason jedoch bereits nach der ersten Viertelstunde munter durch die dünne Handlung und sorgt dabei für etwas, das im selbstverliebten Trashnonsens des Fanboy-Kinos völlig verloren gegangen ist: Echter blutiger Schrecken.

Erst der unerwartet große Erfolg des ersten Teils hatte den Gedanken geboren, den Jungen, der zwei Jahrzehnte zuvor der Unachtsamkeit seiner Betreuer wegen im Crystal Lake ertrunken war und damit den Rachefeldzug seiner Mutter gegen alle Teenager dieser Welt ausgelöst hatte, einfach zum erwachsenen Untoten zu erklären und fortan selber mordend über die Leinwand ziehen zu lassen. Cunningham konnte mit der Idee wenig anfangen und zog sich aus dem Projekt zurück. Dass er allerdings bis heute mindestens so unentrinnbar von Jason Voorhees verfolgt wird wie dessen sonstige Opfer, gefällt ihm zwar vielleicht nicht sonderlich, sichert ihm aber seine ökonomische Existenz. 1983, nachdem alles andere, was er als Filmemacher zu initiieren versucht hatte, nicht so richtig gezündet hatte, stieg er wieder in die Serie ein und hat seitdem vier weitere Teile mitproduziert. Dass er jedoch im Grunde eigentlich gar nichts zum Erfolg des Franchise beigetragen hat, wohl aber sein Leben lang davon zehren wird, ist ein echter Treppenwitz der Filmgeschichte.

1981 erscheint die Figur des Jason zum ersten Mal (damals noch ohne Maske) und wird schnell zum Urbild des Serienschlächters – wortlos, ultrabrutal, unkaputtbar und mit einer bemerkenswerten Instinktsicherheit ausgestattet. Einfallsreicher in seinen Tötungsszenarien als Michael Myers, aber weitaus fantasie- und humorloser als Freddie Krueger (weshalb das Zusammentreffen der beiden 2003 auch nur bedingt funktionieren konnte), zudem meilenweit entfernt von der sadistischen Eloquenz eines Pinhead (aus Clive Barkers „Hellraiser“-Serie), zementiert er einen seltsamen Typus von Projektionsfläche, der zusammen mit den vier anderen Figuren trotz eines minimalen Variationsspektrums äußerste Langlebigkeit beweist. Nirgendwo greift das Gesetz der Serie so punktgenau wie im Slasher-Genre, und die Wiederbelebung, die nach und nach alle Beteiligten dieses Quartetts erfahren, stellt lediglich eine Anpassung an veränderte Sehgewohnheiten dar (nichts anderes leistet etwa Rob Zombies „Halloween“-Remake von 2007). Wie groß der Bedarf nach einer zeitgemäßen Erneuerung derart bewährter Konzepte ist, bewies das sensationelle US-Startwochenende, das Nispels Film mit satten 43 Millionen Dollar auf den ersten Platz der Kinocharts katapultierte.

Während Tom Tykwers solider bis belangloser Verschwörungsthriller „The International“ zum gleichen Zeitpunkt kaum auf nennenswertes Interesse stieß, zeigte Jasons Rückkehr auf die große Leinwand einmal mehr, dass praller Horror in Krisenzeiten besonders gut funktioniert. Wer will sich schon das skrupellose Treiben von Großbanken im Kino ansehen, wenn er es seit Monaten täglich in den Nachrichten zu sehen bekommt? Richtig, niemand. Um wie vieles verlässlicher, überschaubarer und vor allem irrealer ist da das amoralische Gemetzel, das der Hockeymaskenträger seit nunmehr fast drei Jahrzehnten erfolgreich praktiziert.

Der Vergleich mag weit hergeholt erscheinen, hat aber durchaus seine erhellenden Anteile. Was den (offensichtlich ausgesprochen publikumsfernen) PR-Strategen hinter Tykwers Film wie das Ei des Kolumbus erschienen sein mag, nämlich einen wie auch immer gearteten Bezug zur globalen Wirtschaftskrise herbeizureden, hat sich in Wahrheit schnell als übles Kassengift erwiesen. Kaum ein US-Zuschauer wollte sich gegen den Preis eines Eintrittstickets ansehen, wie korrupte Chefetagen mit seinem schwer verdienten Geld Schindluder treiben. Dass Tykwers Films derartiges überhaupt nicht thematisiert, ist dabei völlig egal, denn in der Vermarktung war es genau dieser Eindruck, den man erzielen wollte. Währenddessen versprach die Rückkehr des Slasher-Klassikers die bessere Bedrohung – eine rein fiktive nämlich, die nach dem Ende des Films dort bleibt, wo sie hingehört: Im Kino.

Mit ihrem „Friday, the 13th“-Beitrag (dem insgesamt zwölften übrigens) wiederholen die Initiatoren Andrew Form und Brad Fuller ihr vielfach bewährtes Remake-Konzept. Mal mehr, mal weniger gut funktionierte der modernisierte Neuansatz zuvor bereits bei „The Texas Chainsaw Massacre“ (ebenfalls unter der Regie von Nispel), „The Amityville Horror“ und „The Hitcher“, und die Wiederbelebung der „Nightmare on Elm Street“-Serie ist für 2010 auch schon in Arbeit. Bessere Optik, drastischere Gewalt, aber keine allzu weite Abweichung von den Vorgängern, so lautet das ebenso schlichte wie wirkungsvolle Rezept. Im Fall von Jasons Rückkehr gibt es auch noch jede Menge nackte Haut und ein bisschen Beischlaf zu sehen (im Slasher-Genre immer ein passender Anlass für den bigott erzogenen Schlitzer, strafend einzugreifen). Was diesen Film jedoch vor allem von der Vielzahl der Asia-Remakes und Torture-Pornos der letzten Zeit abhebt, ist die konsequente Gnadenlosigkeit, mit der nicht nur die üblichen Bauernopfer dran glauben müssen, sondern auch die sympathischeren Figuren abgemetzelt werden. Vor Jason ist niemand sicher, und daran lässt Nispels Remake keinen Zweifel.

Diese Form der Konsequenz ist im Grunde begrüßenswert, denn sie bewahrt den Film davor, in die Selbstparodie abzustürzen. Vom Paramount-Logo in blutigem Rot bis zum schocklastigen Finale gibt es keinen Raum für ein relativierendes Augenzwinkern, und Steve Jablonskys äußerst drastischer Soundtrack (Elektronik wie sie seit den einschlägigen Partituren von Maurice Jarre und Jerry Goldsmith nicht mehr im Kino zu hören war) trägt das Seine dazu bei, dass jeder bloße Gedanke an ein befreiendes Lachen bereits im Keim erstickt wird. Während die Serie nach den ersten vier Teilen, an die sich Nispels Fassung im Wesentlichen anlehnt, zunehmend ihres Schreckens verlustig gegangen war und immer absurdere Szenarien entwickelte (inklusive eines Science-Fiction-Plots in „Jason X“ – immerhin mit Gastauftritt von David Cronenberg), setzt dieser “Freitag, der 13.” gänzlich auf blutiges Entsetzen. Das kann man mögen oder auch nicht, unterhaltsam ist es allemal.

Artikel © 2009 Thomas Lenz. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.
Fotos: © MMVIII New Line Productions, Inc. and Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
Filmplakat: Paramount Pictures

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What happens to horror-film franchises that seem to have run their course?

D’oh! They reboot.

No need to come up with an original concept when an old idea means instant brand recognition and — thanks to low overhead on script and talent — a really impressive ROI (return on investment).

That’s the thinking, one guesses, behind Friday the 13th, opening this weekend (Fri, 2/13, naturally), the latest in a series of new horror films boasting familiar titles and tried-and-bloody plots.

Why start all over with the tale of Jason, the killer wearing a hockey mask, and the pretty but promiscuous teens he murders at Camp Crystal Lake?

Because the zig-zagging direction and creative dead ends of the existing franchise left filmmakers no other sensible options, as horror specialist Devin Faraci (Chud.com) told the New York Times.

“These films have a ridiculously convoluted history,” Faraci said. “Jason barely appears in Part 1. He shows up in Part 2, gets killed in Part 4. There’s an impostor in a Jason mask in Part 5. Jason comes back as a zombie in Part 6. Toxic sludge turns him back into a child at the end of Part 8. He gets blown up in the opening minutes of Part 9 and then becomes a body-hopping force of evil that gets sucked into hell. In Part 10 the earth is destroyed, Jason becomes a cyborg and lands on an alien planet. Where could the series possibly go at that point? A reboot is the only sane answer.”

The reborn Friday the 13th was preceded by 2001’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and 2006 prequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, which together reaped about $120 million at the U.S. box office; 2005’s Amityville Horror,  which scored $65 million; and 2007’s remake of The Hitcher ($16 million).

Just around the corner, due on March 13, is The Last House on the Left, a remake of Wes Craven’s chilling horror thriller of the same name, released 37 years ago. Craven is a producer of the new film, along with Sean Cunningham, director of the original Friday the 13th, released in 1980 and a producer of several more in the series, including the remake.

Toby Emmerich, head of New Line Cinema, home to the new Friday the 13th, said his studio also plans to remake Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, released in 1984.

The Hitcher

Apparently it was typical slasher cheese weekend for me. The Hitcher happened to be on TV so I sat down to watch it. I haven’t seen the original but I can only hope that it’s better. This wasn’t really anything to cheer about.

We start with Grace (Sophia Bush) and her boyfriend Jim (Zachary Knighton) heading to Grace’s friends for spring break. On a dark and stormy night they almost run over a man (Sean Bean) standing in the middle of the road next to his broken down car. Jim wants to stop for him but Grace doesn’t want him to and convinces him to just leave the man behind. They continue on their way and make a stop at a gas station. Following right behind is the man from the road who has been dropped off by a trucker.

The man introduces himself to Jim as John Ryder and asks for a ride to the next town. Jim reluctantly agrees and they head out. It isn’t long before John begins to make inappropriate comments about Grace. Suddenly John grabs Grace and tells Jim if he wants her to live than all he has to say is ‘I want to die’. Jim slams on the brakes and tells Grace to open the door. Jim starts kicking John until Grace finally gets the door open and Jim kicks him out of the moving car.

They think they’re rid of John until the next morning when a family passes them in a station wagon and they see John seated in the back. In an attempt to warn the family of the lunatic they’ve picked up they crash their car. They start to walk towards the next town and come across the station wagon. Everyone inside has been killed except the father who still clings to life. They take the car and head to the next town just as John pulls up behind them in a pickup truck. He rams into the back of their car, trying to run them off the road, but then suddenly turns off the road and leaves them alone. When they get to the next town they wind up being arrested as suspects in the murder of the family.

With Jim locked up and Grace being interrogated, it’s the perfect opportunity for John to resume his killing spree. As Grace is left alone in the interrogation room, John kills everyone in the police station and unlocks the door for Grace. When she leaves the room she finds the dead sheriff and races to find Jim. They barely escape just as more police are arriving at the station. They start to wonder if John is attempting to frame them as it really appears that way. We’re introduced to Lt. Esteridge (Neal McDonough) who finds a bloody face drawn on the back of the interrogation room window. He’s figured out that there must be someone else responsible for what’s going on as neither Jim nor Grace could have made this drawing since they were both locked up elsewhere.

Now we’re treated to a series of - John finds Grace and Jim, they hide, cops arrive, John kills cops, more cops arrive and assume Jim and Grace have done it, Jim and Grace escape. It’s obnoxious and boring really. Finally Jim and Grace find a motel and break into one of the rooms to hide. Grace falls asleep as Jim goes to look for a pay phone. Later in the night Grace wakes up when Jim begins to rub her thigh, of course it isn’t Jim at all, it’s John. Grace manages to escape and runs outside looking for Jim. She finds him chained in between a rig and its trailer. The rig starts up and Grace runs to the cab to find John inside. She threatens to shoot him if he doesn’t stop and John tells her that if he dies the truck will drive forward and tear her boyfriend in half. He demands that she get in just as Lt. Esteridge and other cops arrive. John wants Grace to shoot him but she won’t. He tells her that she’s a waste and drives the truck forward, tearing Jim in half. The police now arrest both Grace and John.

After questioning Grace, Lt. Esteridge tells her they have to take her to another hospital for trauma treatment where she’ll be released to her parents. At the same time John is also being transferred and Lt. Esteridge and Grace are following right behind. John breaks out of his cuffs and kills the officer in the van with him. He shoots the other cop in the front of the van and it flips over causing a passing car to crash into the suv that Grace is in. Lt. Esteridge is pinned in the car and Grace gets out to kill John once and for all. Once Grace opens the back door to the van, John takes her gun and locks her in the van. He sees a puddle of gas on the ground and shoots it, igniting a fire which causes the van to explode. Grace survives this and takes a shotgun from the front of the van, breaking out of the back door which has come off during the explosion. John makes his way to Lt. Esteridge and shoots him in the head. Grace then shoots John in the back and again in the chest but his bulletproof vest protects him. He’s hurt and falls to his knees where Grace points the shotgun in his face and pulls the trigger.

Nothing really spectacular about this movie. It didn’t suck but it wasn’t that great either, the high point being Jim getting ripped in half. I don’t know what it is about movies these days. They all seem watered down like a drink at a bar. It’s good enough to get you buzzed but isn’t good enough to be worth it really.

Under the marquee – Will

I don’t ache today.

This is a good, but surprising thing.

I went to bed with a sense of dread about how little mobility I’d have this morning after the first gym session since mid-December. Even though I had to go a little easier on the cross-trainer as I’d lost a little cardio fitness I actually felt alright this morning.

Today’s been one of those days that, when I’m on my deathbed, I’ll probably look back on & wish I’d done more with it than sit in an office for 8 hours trying to figure out a new fangled email marketing tool. Thing is, this email watchamacallit is really good in some ways, but fatally flawed in other (very basic) ways. For example, if you press Ctrl+Z in almost every program it will undo the last thing you did. Ctrl+Z is basically the universal shortcut for ‘Undo’.

Not in this bad boy.

This thing thinks Ctrl+Z is the History Eraser Button and if you dare input this most common of keyboard shortcuts it will erase you and your toothbrush from history forever. I’m not sure if it will erase the porn collection you definitely own though, so maybe you should read yesterday’s entry for valuable tips on what steps to take prior to your untimely death/removal from history…

Anyway, a highly unremarkable day at work lead into a very enjoyable evening playing Guitar Hero World Tour with Ant then watching some vintage wrestling from the early 80’s (Dynamite Kid vs. Tiger Mask). I realise that, to some, that sentence couldn’t have been more geekier, but to those people I simply say; you have no soul.

In the interest of keeping this entry short (which I tried with the last one and that just kept on going) I just thought I’d mention two things.

The first is a quite excellent film I watched on Sunday called ‘The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button’.

This is the new Brad Pitt film with David Fincher directing (they previously did ‘Fight Club’ together). To the guys reading this, if you think this may be a ‘chick flick’ as it doesn’t feature Pitt in a vest punching unshaven men in their faces and/or scrotum, think again. It’s an excellent character driven film with a really interesting idea: a guy who is born old & ages backwards (so he constantly gets younger, not older).

For those not brave enough or comfortable with their own sexuality you may want to take a lady with you to the picture house though, just in case you need to pretend it wasn’t your idea to go & see it.

Shit, I’m not ashamed; I went to see Hairspray last year, enjoyed the hell out of it, but had to be there with a girl to retain the macho veneer of ‘couldn’t care less’ while inside I was dancing like Carlton from the Fresh Prince. I must confess I did also watch Benjamin Button with a girl, just in case it did turn out to be a chick flick and I could protest I had no idea it was that kind of film (while secretly loving it). Oh, and I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, thank you.

The second thing was a quick recap of Friday night’s Boosh at the Arena. And for those of you reading who have no idea what The Mighty Boosh is or think it’s shit; why are we friends?

Jen was awesome enough to give me a ticket FOR FREE (something for which I don’t think I’ve thanked her for nearly enough!). Facebook members/reality dodgers may have seen my outfit and EPIC ‘TASCHE~! on Facebook, but I decided a while back I was gonna dress as Jazz aficionado Howard Moon. For me this involved:

• roll-neck jumper, brown
• cardigan, burgundy
• a brown trouser
• jazz hat (or ‘jatt’)
• moustasche (grown, not fake)

Quite a simple costume really and Primark sell most of the stuff you’ll need to put it together. I did have to buy a ladies roll-neck though, as men don’t seem to want to bring that back into fashion just yet, but when they do you can guarantee the 12 year old wage slave sweatshop workforce in the far east will be working double time to produce enough of them to stock the shelves of our favourite discount retailers. Bastards (the retailers, not the kids).

I went for the largest ladies size i could find on the rack and, having NO point of reference for ladies sizes, I went for the size 16 roll-neck in a lovely ‘Worried Bowel‘ shade of brown.

Let’s just say it was a bit…erm…’snug’.

And by that I mean it was damn comfortable.

Maybe in a few years I’ll look back to this being the point I started experimenting with cross dressing. Either that or a couple of months back when I went to a fancy dress party as Adam Ant, complete with white stripe and lip gloss. That was a messy night, in more ways than one, but that’s a story for another time & place…

Anyway, my costume was ace and I’d spent all week growing my stubble out so I could have a clean shave, leaving only the moustache. At least rapid growing face fuzz can come in handy sometimes.

I’d got the feeling that, given the kind of fans the Might Boosh attracts and the characters in the show it would be a sort of Rocky Horror-esque excuse to dress up for a night and have a damn good laugh.

This is what I did.

Although amongst the 5,000 or so people in the audience I saw only one other guy dressed up in the same way as me. Well, I say the same way; his moustache was fake and my entire costume owned his, but he made the effort, bless him. In fact, on the way out (which is when I saw him) I caught his eye & smiled in a mutual appreciation costume solidarity and Jen said he was eyeing me in a jealous, almost angry way. Well, excuse me for out ‘tasching you sir. He’s lucky I didn’t go at him like spurned otter.

If I had to ascribe a ratio to the number of people dressed up to number of people not dressed up (and I do have to ascribe ratios; they’re the only way to illustrate things properly) I’d say it was 1 in 10.

I was disappointed at this, but it did draw a LOT of attention toward me and the awesomeness of my costume. Sorry to bang on about height again, but when you are tall you get used to being looked/stared at. You can either buckle and sag under this scrutiny or proudly stride with chin in, chest out & straightened back. I choose to display my plumage (the plumage DOES enter into it) proudly and did so while dressed as (a very tall) Howard Moon.

It’s nice to walk past people and have them smiling as you approach then say things like ‘oh my god’ and ‘he looks awesome’. People are very reserved when it comes to appreciating stuff like that though, nobody will compliment you directly! After a while I’d forgotten I was wearing it and felt quite at home in this comfortable (albeit ridiculous) getup.

The show itself was awesome.

The highlight was Noel Fielding, while dressed as ‘The Hitcher‘, taking a walk through the audience to have a look at people who’d come dressed up. As I was on the end of the row about 4 rows from the front I made sure to be facing him when he got around to us. When the screaming teenage girls had put him down he looked at me, exclaimed “whoah, nice one!” and patted me on the back! Maybe the outfit was too good?!

That moustasche was down the plughole 15 minutes after getting home though. Some things, no matter how right they may seem at the time, are just wrong.

No not a post on the joy (or otherwise) of Hofmeister lager but a few words on the Whittlesey Straw Bear Festival Programme, which I went to yesterday.

According to the programme on the day “Many years ago it was the custom on the Tuesday following Plough Monday (always the first Monday after Twelth Night) to dress a Plough Boy in straw and parade him through the streets of Whittlesey.”, although they’ve obviously tweaked the date, as it’s Saturday, so as to be a little more visitor friendly.

So what to see ? Well the stars of the show are obviously the Straw Bears – and this year there seems to be three of them, two Straw Bears and one Plough Boy. Obviously a man (or boy) dressed from head to toe in straw being led about the town is always going to be a strange sight however until you actually see them for yourself stumbling around the streets you’ll perhaps never know just quite how odd.

As well as the Bears the festival also features a plethora of ‘Dance Sides’ – including Sword Dancing, Rapper Sword Dancing (which isn’t what you’d first think it is – and perhaps doesn’t differ from ‘nomal’ Sword Dancing, you’ll guess correctly that I’m not an expert), Clog Dancing and a whole host of Morris Dancers – some in the traditional white handkerchief style you’d imagine and some who seemed to have styled themselves on the Mighty Boosh’s Hitcher.

All in all a very cold, baffling but enjoyable couple of hours.

As an aside – on the way to Whittlesey I found another Fenland tradition, namely ice skating, still alive and well. Although it was cold apparently it wasn’t cold enough for the British and Fenland Skating Championships to take place.

We all have different ideas as to what a Halloween film should be. Some of my picks below have scenes that take place during Halloween. Others are ghost stories or stories in which being in costume or from outer space is important. Several are just downright scary, which, I suspect, many may consider the most important qualification.

1. Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) with Cary Grant, Raymond Massey, Peter Lorre, Jack Carson, and Josephine Hull: Grant plays a confirmed bachelor who decides to give marriage a try until he discovers insanity seems to run in his family: one relative thinks he is Teddy Roosevelt; two others appear to be harmless little old ladies, but they poison gentleman callers and bury them in the basement; another is a wanted murderer who shows up with the doctor who surgically disguises his face – now he looks like “Boris Karloff!” The director was Frank Capra, so look for a happy ending.

2. Eerie, Indiana (TV series 1991-1992) with Omri Katz, Justin Shenkarow, John Astin, and Jason Marsden: Young Katz plays Marshall Teller whose family has relocated in a town that he has found to be the planet’s center of weirdness, but nobody believes him. This unique little treasure never caught on, but its 19 episodes are real Halloween treats, if you can find them.

3. E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982) with Henry Thomas, Dee Wallace, Peter Coyote, Drew Barrymore, Robert MacNaughton, and C. Thomas Howell: If you don’t know about this one, you don’t watch movies anyway. On Halloween, the kids disguise E.T. as a ghost so he can reach the woods and call his people. Prior to Shindler’s List, this was Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece.

4. Fortress (1985) with Rachel Ward, Sean Garlick, and Marc Gray: Ward plays a teacher in a one-room schoolhouse in the Australian outback. She and all her students are kidnapped by four thugs who wear costume masks, such as a duck and Father Christmas. The teacher and her students eventually escape and determine to get even with their former captors. The way the kids begin to act may remind you of Lord of the Flies. Not a great film, but Ward and young Garlick are very watchable and make it worth seeing.

5. The Hitcher (1986) with C. Thomas Howell, Rutger Hauer, and Jennifer Jason Leigh: If you like your Halloweens to be somewhat scary, this may be what you are looking for. Howell plays a young man earning some money by driving across country to deliver the car to someone. Hoping it will help keep him awake, he decides to pick up a hitchhiker, Rutger Hauer. The hitcher lets it be known pretty quickly that he is a deranged, bloodthirsty, mass murderer. Howell gets very little sleep from then on. He does escape, but he is relentlessly pursued. Things get pretty tense!

6. The Innocents (1961) with Deborah Kerr, Pamela Franklin, and Martin Stephens: This is probably the best of all the filmed versions of Henry James’ The Turn of the Screw, and it is written by Truman Capote. Deborah Kerr plays a governess who has been placed in charge of two children on a huge English estate. Eventually she begins to see two people whom no one else acknowledges seeing. They are two former employees of the estate who are now dead! She becomes convinced that these ghosts are trying to gain possession of the innocent children. Is she correct, or are the apparitions merely figments of her imagination?

7. The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) with Donald Sutherland, Leonard Nimoy, Jeff Goldblum, Brooke Adams, and Veronica Cartwright: This is one of those very rare times when I actually prefer the remake to the original, but it is a close call. Your neighbors, spouses, and significant others are systematically being replaced by replicas hatched from alien pods. It is virtually impossible to tell who is an alien and who is not until it is too late. And it is important not to ever go to sleep if you don’t want to be duplicated. This is scary stuff.

8. The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1976) with Jodie Foster, Scott Jacoby, Martin Sheen, and Alexis Smith: Young Jodie lets you know that it is only a matter of time before she takes home two Oscars for Best Actress. Teenaged Scott Jacoby has already taken home an Emmy for TV’s ground-breaking gem That Certain Summer. Sheen is years away from all those awards for playing President Bartlett on The West Wing. Sheen shows up at Jodie’s house on Halloween, and it is fairly obvious he is a child molester. Landlady Alexis Smith, Sheen’s mother (who has been covering up for him) shows up and is concerned that Jodie appears to be living alone. Where is the father she keeps talking about? Scott Jacoby stops by and wonders why Alexis’ car has been abandoned in front of Jodie’s house. I don’t want to tell too much about all this, except to add Martin Sheen’s contribution to the list of famous last words: “It tastes like almonds.”

9. Psycho (1960) with Anthony Perkins, Vera Miles, John Gavin, Martin Balsam, and Janet Leigh: This shocker, masterfully directed by Alfred Hitchcock, has the unforgettable and terrifying music of Bernard Hermann. Incredibly, Anthony Perkins wasn’t even nominated for the Oscar he should have won. In fact, he was too good in this one. His career suffered because he was typecast, and we never saw enough of him after this. Even Janet Leigh was always remembered for what happened to her character in one of the screen’s most frightening moments. After unwittingly making the mistake of stopping at the Bates Motel and checking into cabin one, she decided to take a shower and made screen history.

10. The Sixth Sense (1999) with Haley Joel Osment, Bruce Willis, and Toni Collette: Young Osment capably carries this bizarre and spooky story of a boy who sees dead people. Surprisingly, not only does Bruce Willis do no harm to this film, he even displays the talent he exhibited previously in Nobody’s Fool and Pulp Fiction. M. Night Shyamalan’s clever direction prevents most viewers from realizing something, which should have been obvious, until he wants you to know it. Osment will not communicate with his mother, played by Toni Collette, about what troubles him. Willis plays the child psychologist who tries to help him and thereby help himself get rid of his own past demons. This thriller has ghosts galore, and they are often bloody!

11. Somewhere Tomorrow (1984) with Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Shea, and Paul Bates: The future star of Sex in the City shines in this little ghost story. Ms. Parker comes upon the wrecked plane of Shea and Bates. Bates is basically unharmed, but Tom Shea is dead. The problem is that his ghost keeps hanging around, and Parker is the only one who can see him. He is not a frightening ghost. In fact, he is quite nice. So why is his spirit unable to rest?

12. The Thing from Another World (1951) with Kenneth Tobey, Dewey Martin, Arthur Franz, and James Arness: Howard Hawks is the official producer, but just about everybody suspects he also wrote and directed much of it as well. The dialogue is nothing short of great! As an Air Force captain, Tobey flies his crew and a group of scientists to the vicinity of the North Pole to investigate a disturbance. They find a flying saucer buried in the ice and also find its pilot! The frozen man from outer space is brought back to a desolate base camp where he thaws and escapes. And he seems to survive by consuming blood! The monster is played by James Arness, four years before he began his twenty-year stint as Marshall Dillon on Gunsmoke. During one of their plans to defeat the Thing, one of the crew asked, “What if he can read our minds?” A fellow airman answered, “He’s going to be real mad when he gets to me.”

by David Offutt, October 2005