That’s me preparing for my dump, by the way.  What a place to put a portaloo!

So here are 20 of the decades worst flicks. I’ve chosen to do a list of 20 because I’m also doing a Top 20 list.For the sake of consistency, and all that bollocks.

I’ve set some rules for myself as the shortlist was triple this size. Importantly, I’ve avoided repeating anyone else’s list. So if it’s not on the list, it will most likely mean I chose to target something else. This only occurred about three or four times so it didn’t affect my list too greatly. And everything that needs to be said about Alien vs Predator: Requiem has already been said.

Also, I’ve chosen to only include movies I had a overwhelming hatred for. Not just a ‘that was shit’, but these movies make me want to kill puppies. Not that I have of course, but even thinking about these movies while doing the list has annoyed the shit out of me. That’s how evil these shitfests are.

So with further ado, away we go!

20. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

I call this flick the ‘relationship killer’. Well, maybe not relationship, but I went on a second date with a chick and we saw this piece of shit. Needless to say I never heard from her again. I blame the movie, not my good looks or winning personality. In theory, this is a cool idea. Bring together all the literary icons of the past couple of hundred years and have them join forces to defeat the ultimate evil adversary. Needless to say that theory proved incorrect. Jekyll and Hyde looked like a condom stuffed with potatoes, Sean Connerys stunt double should’ve received top billing and Richard Roxburgh hammed it up so much I had a craving for pork chops. I’ve not read Alan Moores funnybook, but if this is the result then count me out. One day someone will learn not to fucking adapt Alan Moore. The only barely watchable adaptation is ‘From Hell’.

19. Elizabethtown (2005)

I’d usually blame that effeminate prick Orlando Bloom for ruining a film, but in this case his Hugh Grant-channelling performance pales in comparison to the saccharine, cloying screenplay. Laurence Olivier couldn’t have played that character. A complete shitfest from start to finish. Something about a failed sneaker, an annoying stewardess, a dead father and a fucking musical journey through the heartland. Fuck me, I either like or love all of Cameron Crowe’s flicks, particularly ‘Say Anything’, but this could very well be a career killer.

18. Blood Diamond (2006)

You can see the screenplay being written by committee as you witness this travelogue of political points masquerading as an action flick. Leo “I wear a little beard when I want to look tough” DiCaprio’s worst performance this side of ‘The Man in the Iron Mask’. His shitty Saffa accent fades in and out, then somewhere along the way he learns that Saffa’s call each other ‘Bru’. So every subsequent line of dialogue is littered with it. It’s “Bru this” and “Bru that”. Eh Bru, don’t ya know that’s fucking annoying?. And the romance with the skeleton formerly known as Jennifer Connelly is forced garbage. Poor old Djimon Hounsou. He has made a career of giving great support in aid of dreck.

17. The Sweetest Thing (2002)

A wannabe ‘American Pie’ meets ‘There’s Something About Mary’ with the bad taste ramped up to 11, but the laughs on mute. This is where Cameron Diaz lost me. I thought she was okay before this. Like the dreadful ‘Charlies Angels’ flicks, the forced girl power camaraderie is embarrassing. Getting a dick piercing stuck on your tonsils? Taking a semen stained dress to the dry cleaner and your priest walks in? Chicks fondling one characters plastic tits in the bathroom of a nightclub? Pathetic.

16. The Holiday (2006)

Diaz again! And another effeminate prick from the UK. And tubby bastard Jack Black (who I do usually like). And the completely unlikeable Kate Winslett. Something about her just irritates me. I particularly hated Jude Law, who blubbers his way through the entire running time of this steaming load. What an absolute twat that bloke is.

15. Shrek the Third (2007)

I didn’t like Shrek very much. It was saved by Donkey. Shrek 2 stank even worse. Puss in Boots got me through it. But this piece of shit doesn’t even pretend to have a storyline that means anything. Shrek goes to get some dorky kid. Shrek brings him back. This is just such a lazy goddamn cashgrab. Completely devoid of any entertainment value. It’s a sickening experience.

14. Righteous Kill (2008)

Here you have two of the greatest actors in living memory, giving horrendous performances in a pathetically obvious and boring cop thriller. Honestly, what the were they thinking? Jon Avnet can go fuck himself. Not only did he direct this turkey, but he also directed ‘88 Minutes’ which is not on this list because I didn’t really want to double up on two shithouse thrillers starring the blow waved Pacino. I chose this one because it not only wastes De Niro and Pacino, it also wastes the gorgeous Carla Gugino.

13. The Spirit (2008)

Holy shit, if you haven’t seen this, I’m jealous. It’s just as bad as you’ve heard. It proves beyond a doubt that Frank Miller is a complete bag of cocks. It wants desperately to be ‘Sin City’ cool, but fails in every aspect. The scene where Samuel L. Jackson is dressed up as a Nazi has to be seen to be believed. And Miller must’ve thought it was brilliant because the fucking scene goes on forever! And why the fuck do these two keep fighting each other? Neither The Spirit nor Jacksons character can even get injured, yet they keep pounding on each other. It’s just tedious and idiotic. Fuck off Miller, you prick.

12. The Break-Up (2006)

Honestly, if I want to experience two hours of two people arguing, I’ll get back with my ex-girlfriend. What is this supposed to be? A comedy? Cause it sure ain’t funny. A drama? Cause who gives a shit about two selfish idiots without any redeeming factors? Motormouth Vaughn’s schtick is getting so old it’s beyond a joke. On an related note, if they ever do a bio of Quentin “I suffer from gigantism” Tarantino, I nominate Vaughn and his mellon head for the job.

11. My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)

Completely, utterly unfunny. Terrible performances. Unwatchable dreck. I barely remember it, thank christ. I just remember I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns.

10. Eagle Eye (2008)

Or as I like to call it, ‘Enemy of the I, Robot’. When will people learn? Shia La Fucking Beef is not an action hero! DJ Caruso, who has the most annoying name this side of McG, just apes other, more talented directors in every flick he does. This is absolute shit. I can immediately think of a way to vastly improve it. Switch around the roles. Move Rosario Dawson to the La Beef character, swap Billy Bob Thornton and Michelle Monaghan, and move Michael Chiklis to Dawson. And fuck La Beef right off. It would still be a shit, intelligence insulting exercise in mass marketing, but at the very least we’d get decent actors in the roles. And don’t have that fucking tacked on scene at the end when two people that we’ve just watched fot two hours and have zero chemistry and obviously dislike each other get bloody cosy. You didn’t earn that goddamn scene. Fuck off DJ.

9. The Love Guru (2008)

God Mike Myers is a mugging prick. Unless he makes Waynes World 3, he can fuck off back to Canada. No, scratch that. He can fuck off anyway. There is so much desperation in this flick it’s painful to watch. He stops every minute and a half to stare straight into camera and try to mug a chuckle out of you. There is a character in this, played by Sir Ben Kingsley, named Guru Tugginmypuda. Jesus christ. Even Alba looks embarrassed to be in this bowl movement.

8. The Village (2004)

This is the first M. Night I hated. I like Sixth Sense and Signs, and I love Unbreakable. I absolutely loathe this shitheap. The twist sucks. It’s boring. Brody as the tard is mind-bogglingly annoying, nutbar hairlip looks like he doesn’t want to be there at all (I don’t blame him) and the reason for living the way they do never really made any sense. I seriously think this would’ve been better if it was a straight up horror flick. The woods had real monsters and it really was the 1800’s or whenever it was supposed to be. As it stands, it’s not. And it set the trend for M. Night’s career trajectory.

7. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

I like Michael Bay movies. There, I said it. I have a unexplainable love of The Island. Maybe it’s Johannson’s lips. I don’t know. But it features the Bayhem speciality of shit rolling off the back of a truck into oncoming traffic. No one does it better. I kind of enjoyed the first Transformers flick. It was about as good as I could expect from a movie about giant, shape-shifting alien robots punching each other over the ownership of a rubix cube. But in their desperation to capitalise on the first flicks unlikely box office, they rushed this piece of shit into production without a script that makes a lick of sense. So much is crammed in to it, and nothing means anything. Nothing makes sense. Why are the robots organic? How does a robot simulate human flesh? Why build up a two and a half hour movie to have the ultimate showdown with the king of the Decepticons then have him get his ass kicked in about two minutes? Robots humping legs? A robot with a cane? Robots that vacuum sand like Megan Fox vacuumed cock to get the role in the first one? This is such a headache inducing experience. Hate is not a strong enough word

6. The Heartbreak Kid (2008)

The Farrelly Brothers have made three awesome comedies, Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin (my fav) and There’s Something About Mary. This pile of excrement has just one likeable character. Michelle Monaghan is too good for this shit. There’s a point early in the movie where Stillers at the wedding of his ex and in his speech her father says that Stiller’s character is an asshole. Too fucking right. His character is such a selfish dick that you actually feel sorry for his new wife! And she’s supposed to be the nightmare! Poor Malin Akerman and Monaghan. This is what up and coming actresses have to deal with in Hollywood. Either humiliated in loathsome “comedies” or running around dodging fireballs in shithouse action movies. Both deserve better.

5. John Q (2002)

Denzel is a great actor. He can elevate bad material to a watchable level. ‘The Bone Collector’ for example. But he stars in bad flicks ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I’m sick of it. This one-sided, manipulative liberal mouthpiece of a movie could’ve been written my Michael Moore. The “good guys” are made to be so sympathetic and the bad guys so emotionless and evil it’s a stomach churning watch. I remember taking a sickie off work and wondering what to do with my day. I decided I’d go down to the local cinema and check out a movie. And this is what I saw. It’s was so maddening that I wished a painful death on everyone involved.

4. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

I hated the first Deuce Bigelow. I hate Rob Schneider. Why did I bother watching this shit? He goes to Amsterdam and becomes a man-whore for a bunch of fucking freaks. But in the first one, the freaks were tall, fat or legless. Most of the freaks in this one have no basis in reality. One has a dick on her nose for fucks sake! Schneider is an unfunny little prick and can die a horrible death for all I care.

3. Hannibal (2001)

Fuck Ridley Scott. Fuck Thomas Harris. Fuck Anthony Hopkins. Good on Jodie Foster. She’s the only one that had any sense beyond drooling over a mound of cash as they shit all over one of the greatest cinematic icons of the past 20 years. Fuck Harris doubly because he did it AGAIN with that prequel (which I never bothered watching). I almost walked out of this flick after 15 minutes. I could see the writing on the wall. But I’d paid my 10 bucks and rationalised that if I didn’t walk out on GI Jane (another horrendous Scott flick) I couldn’t justify walking out on anything. This has a brilliant cast, a director who can occasionally knock it out of the park and all the money in the world. It’s a complete and utter failure on every level. It’s not intelligent or involving like The Silence of The Lambs. It’s not atmospheric or exciting like Manhunter. It’s a cynical goddamn cashgrab and it’s a dirty great skidmark on the careers of everyone involved.

2. xXx (2002)

I honestly don’t think Vin Diesels made a flick I really like. His best effort by far is Pitch Black which was made infinitely better by having the balls to kill the chick right at the end. Rob Cohen is an awful, awful director. I liked Dragonheart at the time, but now if I’m afraid to watch it again. This braindead hunk of shit begins with a ‘move over James Bond’ scene that’s embarrassing, obvious and moronic. And it’s all downhill from there. It’s so desperate to be hip and cool. But in reality it’s sad, stupid and ugly. When will Hollywood learn that although the Czech Republic is a cheap place to shoot, unless you’re doing a flick about the dawn of time, import actors from elsewhere in Europe. Looking at these neanderthals for two hours is quite simply off-putting. And once you’ve seen the biggest neanderthal of them all ’shaking with rage’ while looking through x-ray goggles’, I dare say Prague won’t be high on your ‘must visit’ list.

1. Ocean’s Twelve (2004)

Here we have it. The worst movie of the decade. This piece of shit is so smug and condescending it’s infuriating. But I only merely hated it up until the point of the “have Julia Roberts pretend to be Julia Roberts” scene. That scene is THE biggest kick in the nuts while you’re down I’ve ever witnessed. IT’S NOT FUCKING CLEVER. It’s a pathetic act of desperation. There’s more mugging in this flick than the entire Mike Myers and Schneider back catalogue combined! Why is Brad Pitt eating in every fucking scene? It’s embarrassing how much back-slapping and “Wow, aren’t we funny and clever.” there is in this trash. And worst of all it wastes a fucking awesome cast. Finney, Cassel, Willis, Garcia, Izzard and Coltrane. Soderbergh is a pretentious little prick. He’s so far up himself his films reek of shit. The only one I think is brilliant is ‘Out of Sight’. I hated, loathed, despised this movie.

FYI- this song is already recorded. *smiles* Just thought I’d share the lyrics with you.

Everybody wanna talk about love, let’s talk…

First you love her, then you leave her
Now you want her back
You can’t have her, because she’s seeing
Another man
She says she loves him and it hurts you
Deep inside your soul
You never miss a good thing
Until it’s good and gone

What do you do when LOVE turns it’s back on you?
What do you do when the games you’ve played over and over comes back 10 times over?
You gotta pick it up and try again, do it right and try again
Look yourself in the MIRROR & learn from your mistakes
And try again

He loves you but you don’t want him
He’s just not your type (You should’ve paid more attention)
You take advantage with no intention of making him your guy
See, he’s a good man with a good heart,
But it seems you like to run with the baller types
Living life in the fast lane but when that’s done and gone
You’ll be alone, ALL ALONE.

What do you do when LOVE turns it’s back on you?
What do you do when the games you’ve played over and over comes back 10 times over?
You gotta pick it up and try again, do it right and try again
Look yourself in the MIRROR & learn from your mistakes
And try again

“Mirror”
Written by: Bryan-Michael Cox
2009 WBM Music Corp o/b/o itself & Songs In The Key of B Flat, Inc./Noontime South (SESAC)
All rights reserved.

Species Name: Transexualus Crappymoviemakerus

Does anyone else notice that every time this guy farts a movie out, it immediately is a box office smash? Please, I’m begging you, black people, stop going to see this man’s movies. Tyler Perry is a baffoon. His movies are bad, unoriginal, and purport stereotypes of the black community. Not to mention that Martin Lawrence should sue his ass for stealing his Big Momma’s House character. Seriously speaking, what do people find so funny about a black man dressing up as an old black woman? Sure, I laughed when Eddie Murphy did it in The Nutty Professor, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to see it again in another movie. This fucking guy has made a franchise out of dressing up like a sassy, black woman. Maybe, since I’m not black, I can’t fully grasp what the black community finds so utterly fascinating about Tyler Perry, but you don’t see every white person rushing out to the nearest cineplex to support every goofy white guy movie. When we see a trailer for Good Luck Chuck, we know its gonna be a piece of shit. We avoided The Love Guru like the plague. And I’d rather have ninja stars thrown into my eyeballs then endure the waste of celluloid that is What Happens in Vegas.

I simply don’t understand the allure of Tyler Perry…but you know what? I’m sick and fucking tired of seeing his name on every movie, like he’s god’s gift to film making. Tyler Perry Presents, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, yeah we realize you suck, I’m glad you’re finally starting to as well. Nevertheless, the amount of directors/producers putting their names before the titles of their films has gotten out of hand. If you’re Francis Ford Coppola or Martin Scorcese, you’ve earned that right. However, if you’re Tyler Perry, you have not. Lets imagine a world free of this:

In a world where Tyler Perry would’ve had a couple of “caps busted in his ass” by his own Madea character:

• Big Momma’s House 7 would become the highest grossing movie of all time.
• The black community will turn to good filmmakers like Spike Lee and John Singleton to hand over their hard earned dollars to.
• Mike Myers will reinvent his career by playing a sassy, old white woman named Marge. His movies will take the world by storm. Sad but true.
• Lionsgate Entertainment will still have plenty of other crappy franchises to make their millions off of, like Saw and Crank.
• Wouldn’t have to listen to comments like these where Tyler Perry wishes he didn’t have to play Madea anymore, the single thing that has made him richer than God!

• Bigoted rednecks would have one less thing to complain about.
• With all the Tyler Perry movies gone, it would open up 15-20 movie slots a year for ORIGINAL ideas. What an insane concept!

Here’s the real problem with Tyler Perry…people may think he’s got some important message to relay regarding the black community, but instead he is exploiting the them and laughing all the way to the bank at their expense. Some people may think, I’m generalizing when I say that blacks are the only ones who go to see Tyler Perry movies, but let’s be real, a white person at a Tyler Perry movie sticks out more than a black person at a Nickelback concert. Tyler Perry deserves to be thinned from the herd, but alas, he will continue making “groundbreaking,” “innovative,” and “hilarious” movies for the rest of eternity.

But one has to have dreams right?

Coincidence?

Alas, it is here.

No, your eyes do NOT decieve you. Yes, that is in fact Heath Ledger in the upcoming and intensely imaginative movie ‘The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus.’ No, it is not CGI, No it is not a lookalike. That really is Heath Ledger there, portraying one of the film’s main characters, Tony. However there is a twist, one I shan’t reveal.

The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus is a film which.. Was surprising to say the least, and not just due to the fact the late Heath Ledger is cast. It’s what can only be described as an epic tale into imaginative and unexplored film territory with a slight twist of lunacy ever so greatly portrayed by Johnny Depp (Pirates Of The Caribbean, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Chocolat), Jude Law (Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events, Cold Mountain, Sleuth) Colin Farrell (Daredevil, Miami Vice, Minority Report), Tom Waits (Mystery Men, Domino), Verne Troyer (The Love Guru, College, and Goldmember) and Christopher Plummer (Inside Man, The Lake House, Up). Quite the line up. As to the more film-orientated details, let’s say it involves… Many unbelievable acts, immortals, the devil, laugh out loud humour and tad bit of romance. The perfect mix for a ‘crazy uncle’ of a film if you ask me. The one which everyone is overly fond of, and makes everyone laugh and no one can hate. Just like that.

This film is, I feel, destined for greatness. A film which is probably more crazy than Johnny Depp was in POTC3. More crazy than the sniper in Phone Booth, even more crazy than me after a night of intense Xbox Live teamed with an endless supply of carbonated drinks. But hey, that’s just my opinion. The release date is set for 16th October 2009, after a successful premiere screening at the Cannes Film Festival. So I present to you the trailer, and I bid you adéu.

Mike Myers spelar Guru Pitka, en Deepak Chopra-wannabe som fokuserar på sex och relationer. Efter att ha skolats i Indien försöker han nå framgång genom att lösa en hockeyspelares kärleksbekymmer och i och med detta komma på Oprah. Det han inte räknat med är att ska komma att bli kär i uppdragsgivaren – hockeylagets ägare, spelad av Jessica Alba.

Tycker du att det är jätteroligt att se en kanadensare utklädd till indisk guru som gör pruttljud i en mugg, drar evinnerliga cock/tupp-skämt, fäktas med pissdoppade golvmoppar och frammanar elefantbajs??? Grattis – äntligen en film för dig! Här försöker man ta Austin Powers-konceptet och skoja till det med en ny karaktär. Man misslyckas kapitalt och det blir snudd på plågsamt att se framknöstade skämt som bara Myers själv tycks skratta åt.

Betyg: 1

The writing job that I desperately want to talk about:

I can’t talk about specifics… Yet. The hyperbole-laden details are right here. I’d like to think that it went well, but, honestly, it’s really difficult to tell. A producer from the show emailed me at 3:30pm (exactly) with four news stories that I had to rearrange and dust with the spray-tan version of wit. Here’s the trap in a situation like that:

You need to be funny without seeming like you’re trying too hard. For example: Anthony Jeselnik is funny. Dane Cook is funny but he tries too hard. Way too hard. Ruben Studdard would exert less effort summiting Everest than Dane Cook does over the course of a single joke. I needed to color the stories with my sense of humor, whilst remembering that the ultimate design is in the style of somebody else. Not easy.

Since this was my first time – and you could spot this coming a mile away – I spent way too much time on the first story. 55 minutes, to be exact. Leaving me – for all of your math whizzes out there – 65 minutes minutes for the next three stories. Whoops.

Instead of panicking, I calmly went downstairs and walked across the street to Coffee Time, where I ordered a large coffee. “The first one was the toughest”, I told myself, “you’ve figured out the format.” Now, all I had to do was rearrange 1100 words in 61 minutes. Piece of cake.

One of the more interesting aspects of this exercise – and any similar writing exercise: you have to write more than one punch line. Let me find a quick example…

Here’s an excerpt from a story on CNN.com about Best Buy accidentally listing a 52′ television for $9.99:

Early Wednesday morning, BestBuy.com listed a 52-inch Samsung HDTV for $9.99 — a savings of more than $1600.

As customers jumped on the Web site trying to take advantage of the offer, Best Buy announced it was a “pricing error” and was no longer available.

A recorded message on Best Buy’s customer service line told customers “we will not be placing any more orders for this unit,” and messages were sent on Twitter apologizing “for any disappointment.”

It appears there is little else (customers) can do. A spokeswoman for the Federal Trade Commission that investigates consumer complaints told CNN “The FTC act bars unfair and deceptive commercial practices.” Those would be cases of phony offers or sweepstakes, rather than a mistake, she said.

Punch line #1: An additional report suggested that politicians are looking into a similar line of protection with respect to unrealistic, outrageous and passively insulting campaign promises.

Punch line #2: My goodness. If you can’t trust an international corportaion with a $45,000,000,000 revenue in 2008, then who can you trust?

Punch line #3: Customers became even more enraged when Best Buy offered them a complimentary DVD package that included The Love Guru, Righteous Kill, Jumper, The Happening and the directors cut of 2 Girls 1 Cup. Although, when you think about, a film about eating shit is kind of appropriate.

Writing a punch line at the end wasn’t the only thing I had to do. When necessary, little bits of humor and – more importantly – personality had to be inserted into the body of the story. Otherwise, you’re just reading an AP article on-air. To paraphrase Les Grossman, “a nutless monkey could do that job”.

Long story, long length: I had a blast! What an awesome experience and I can only imagine that the day to day happenings would be a little like walking into my closet and finding Don Draper’s wardrobe.

As per usual, when I get news – good or bad – I’ll share more details.

“Nostalgia – it’s delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound.” It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It let’s us travel the way a child travels – around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.” – The Great Don Draper

EDIT: The computer that I’m using doesn’t have spell check. I don’t know why. Publishing something without spell check is like purposefully leaving your oven on when you go away for the weekend. (Sorry. I’ll stop complaining.)

EDIT #2: I wasn’t excited – at all – to see The Goods until I read a facebook update from a female friend of mine saying that it was a “stupid, stupid movie”. Now? I can’t wait to see it.

Se você viu Mike Myers em Austin Powers e não gostou não se preocupe…

O Guru do amor foi um Oscar na vida do ator

Divertido, Engraçado, e Bem produzido o filme não decepciona e é garantia de boas risadas.

Você pode até não ter ouvido falar do filme, mas com tantos lançamentos fica difícil acompanhar o cinema hoje em dia.

O filme é de 2008 e possui 87 minutos de duração que contam com a participação especial de grandes astros como Jessica Alba e Justin Timberlake.

A historia é simples, Mike é Guru Pitka, um famoso guru que luta para se tornar o Guro mais famoso do mundo. No caminho do seu estrelato ele é convidado a ajudar um jogador de hockey canadense que esta tendo problemas no amor, a tarefa até parecia simples mas ele acaba se apaixonando pela bonita dona do time ( Jesssica ) e se envolve em divertidas trapalhadas.

Parece bobo, más é divertido.

Recomendo. Risada garantida

Trailer:  O Guru do Amor – Trailer Legendado

Se você viu o filme comente

Torrent: The.Love.Guru[2008]DvDrip-aXXo

Who was offended? Hindus

What was their beef? A Nevada-based Hindu leader kicked off the protests against this film when the first trailers began playing in the spring. But in a twist on the normal offend-and-boycott cycle, another Hindu group, Navya Shastra, launched an opposition to the protests against the movie. Their argument was that years of hypersensitivity had resulted in a public turned off to the religion and that educated people could draw their own distinction between comedy and the actual religion. What they didn’t expect was that educated people could also tell the difference between a good movie and a bad one. “Love Guru” bombed with critics and audiences.

Thought I’d create a category for book / movie reviews.  They involve writing, right? 

Well, without further ado, let me give my honest opinion of The Love Guru, by Mike Meyers.  In a word:  Rock On!

Make that two words… this movie deserved it after all the mudslinging it’s had to endure.  I even heard it was dubbed the worst movie of the year?  I don’t understand the negative press – it was a riot.  I was giggling the entire time.  Maybe the beauty of my experience is that I saw it way after all the hoopla.   This movie gave me exactly what I thought (and hoped) it would:  a hilarious rip on the whole New Age movement, including the lip service given to guru types in general. 

I felt the writing was great – it tapped into a lot New Age subtext that I think went right over people’s heads.  I happen to have been through some of that crap about a dozen years ago.  I currently work for someone addicted to self-help tapes of all kinds.  Sometimes all I can do is cringe and staple my lips together.

So… THANK YOU Mike Meyers for a great Friday night.  Marishka Hargitay.

Special to Earthpages.org

Mike Myers (star of The Love Guru) by Alan Light

Keenly protested Hollywood movie “The Love Guru”, released last June and bluntly failed world over, is still reportedly waiting for certification from India’s Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC), where it was submitted on November 20 last.

According to reports, its fate is still hanging because of difference of opinion of CBFC film committee members. CBFC is responsible for certifying films suitable for public exhibition in India, where the main character of the movie Guru Pitka was shown to be raised in an ashram. Usually a movie receives certification in a week or two.

According to acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed, this movie appears to violate various CBFC “guidelines for certification”. He listed the apparently challenged CBFC guidelines in this movie as: “ such dual meaning words as obviously cater to baser instincts are not allowed”; “visuals or words contemptuous of racial, religious or other groups are not presented”; “human sensibilities are not offended by vulgarity, obscenity or depravity”.

Zed, who is the president of Universal Society of Hinduism, stresses that the Cinematograph Act lays down that a film has to be certified keeping “morality” in mind, besides other things. CBFC objectives of film certification are given as… “the medium of film remains responsible and sensitive to the values and standards of society”; “the medium of film provides clean and healthy entertainment”…

Rajan Zed, who spearheaded the protest movement against “The Love Guru” beginning in March 2008, argues that it is a pure and blatant ridiculing of Hinduism, the oldest and third largest religion of the world with about one billion adherents and a rich philosophical thought. No faith, larger or smaller, should be ridiculed at.

Hindus, who earlier called for its worldwide boycott, have also urged its co-producer and leading actor Mike Myers to withdraw “The Love Guru” movie from proposed exhibition in India out of respect for the upset Hindus.

Zed argued that withdrawing the movie from India would also save Mike Myers from further humiliation as the film suffered blunt failure at the box office and also received “worst picture”, “worst actor”, and “worst screenplay” awards at Golden Raspberries.

United States Conference of Catholic Bishops declared “The Love Guru” “morally offensive” and slapped it with its highest rating “O”. “Preview Online”, which calls itself  “informative tool for Christian parents and moviegoers”, gave it Morality Rating of  –4 (Dangerous), which is lowest of five categories, highest being +4. “Christian Spotlight on Entertainment” gave it a Moral Rating of “Very Offensive”. Crosswalk, a Christ-centered corporation, wrote in the movie review, “…slew of seriously wince-inducing jabs at India’s culture (horrible, even when meant in fun)…” Dwight N. Hopkins, Professor of Theology at the University of Chicago Divinity School, has said about the movie, “It exhibits the bodacious, repulsive, iconoclastic, sophomoric, insulting, stereotyping, and illogicality…”

Jessica Alba hosted the 2006 MTV Movie Awards and performed sketches spoofing the movies King Kong, Mission Impossible 3, and The Da Vinci Code.

In 2008, Alba appeared in her first horror-film role in The Eye, a remake of the Hong Kong original. In February, she hosted the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’s Science and Technical Awards. Later in the year, she starred in The Love Guru. She has signed on to star in An Invisible Sign of My Own to be released in 2009.

She was on the cover of the March 2006 issue of Playboy magazine. Alba objected to being on the cover of the magazine and filed suit, but later dropped the action.In 2006, readers of Askmen.com voted Alba No. 1 on 99 Most Desirable Women, while in 2007, Maxim Magazine placed Alba on the number 2 spot of their “Top 100″, after Lindsay Lohan. Both GQ and In Style had Alba on their June covers, and in May, after eight million votes, FHM (UK and USA editions) named Alba the winner as “2007’s Sexiest Woman in the World”.

All that and quite possible knocked Angelina Jolie of the top to be the HOTTEST woman on the planet. Heres her new photo’s….

Click the pic for more!

Hindu religious leader again turned up to censure another Hollywood film for unnecessary playing with the sentiments of religious faith. But this time not for Hinduism but for Christianity; they have criticized upcoming film “Angels & Demons”.

US-based Hindu scholar Rajan Zed said, ‘faith was something sacred and attempts at belittling it hurt the devotees. Filmmakers from all across the world should play sensitive and careful while handling religious subjects, as cinema is a very powerful medium.’

Zed, who is also the president of Universal Society of Hinduism, had earlier opposed the Hollywood film “The Love Guru”. Hindus find certain characters deceptive as it misinterpreted Hindu philosophy. Worldwide oppose by all religious faiths finally resulted in the flop of the movie with strong criticism.

Displaying solidarity, he has now come forward in support of Christian brothers to oppose the “Angels & Demons”; a Sony-Columbia-Imagine mystery based on Dan Brown’s novel and directed by Ron Howard with Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer. The film is due to release in most parts of the world on May 13-14-15.

Zed stressed that films should entertain and make everybody smile but should not come at the expense of ridiculing others’ faith and spreading disinformation. Movies like this bring more confusion and create stereotypes in the minds of some audiences.

He also asked the makers of “Angels & Demons” to insert a disclaimer explaining that the film is completely based on the work of fiction. And same information should also be circulated in its promotion. Rajan Zed also criticized Motion Picture Association of America for giving it a PG-13 (Parents Strongly Cautioned) rating, while it deserved R (Restricted) rating.

“Why don’t you write about us, honey?” said the girl.

“Write what?” said the guy.

“Well, you know… About us… About our little love story.”

“Let me think about it. I don’t know what to write, babe.”

He hung up the phone and stared at his computer. His inbox was open and every minute or so, an email popped in, increasing the count of unread mails. He looked around him, and thought back on the past few days and smiled. It was so strange, he thought, that this girl has had so much effect on him in so little a time. He just couldn’t stop thinking about her.

He knew there was little he could do to avoid the slippery slopes of love if he ever got into it, but deep down, he also knew that no matter what happened between the two of them, they would always remain the best of friends; whether their relationship would remain platonic or not, he knew that she had become, and would remain, an integral part of his life. Forever.

He thought about what to write. He wanted to say so many things to her, but didn’t know quite how to put it. He was one who never minced words and she was one who never backed out of a challenge, and they had started out as an intellectual chat online, which had progressed into the what boring couples call the ‘dangerous territory’. He bit his lip when he thought of all those conversations they’d had, which could turn on anyone. He felt a stirring within him even as he thought about her, and to his shock, realized that he was red in the face.

He locked his computer and went into the bathroom, splashed cold water into his face and leaned against the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. “You are an idiot,” he said, mirroring her words from yesterday. “Do you even know what you’re doing?”

Somewhere, a voice answered, “Hey, hurry up in there! I gotta pee!”

As he came back to his desk, he walked slowly and his mind kept thinking about what he could write for her. Should he write about those tiny little mushy things he wanted to say to her all the time? Should he write about how sexy her voice was? Should he write about how much he wanted to be there with her, every second of the day? Should he write about how much he waited for her call? Should he write about how, each time she called and each time he heard her voice, he felt weak in his knees and just wanted to smile into the phone and not talk and just listen to her? Oh, there were so many things he wanted to write that he didn’t know where to start.

As he opened up his word editor and started writing from the beginning, somehow he felt angry at himself. He wished he could write better than he did. He wished his vocabulary had just a few words more to describe her. He wished he could do justice to the feelings he had for her. He wished he could do something to make her smile every minute of every day. He wished he could hear her voice for the rest of his life. He wished he wasn’t so miserably stuck in putting his thoughts down on paper.

The written word can be meaningful and deep and hurtful, but it can can never fill in the void. He craved for her to fill in the chasm in his heart, and at the same time, he desperately wanted not to hurt anyone in the process, least of all, hurt her. He decided not to write their love story.

“Some things,” he told her later, “are not meant to be shared with the world, sweetheart.”

Here is another steaming pile of excrement that I watched Oscar night, and I’m not talking about Slumdog Millionaire. It is the 7-time Razzie nominated and 3-time “loser”, The Love Guru.

Judgment: This movie is so awful that I won’t waste my breath with it.

Rating: *

From the sort-of sublime (the Oscars) to the ridiculous …

Bad movies deserve a little love, or faux love, too. That’s the motivation behind the Razzies, formally known as the Golden Raspberry Awards.

Ceremonies for the dubious honors — honoring the year’s worst achievements in film — were held on Saturday at the Barnsdall Theatre in Hollywood.

The genuinely stinky Mike Myers “comedy” The Love Guru was named worst picture, and the star took home the award for worst actor.

Paris Hilton, who may or may not be as funny as Jerry Lewis, in France, scored other top honors. She was named the year’s worst actress, for The Hottie and the Nottie (to call the movie “execrable” would be redundant), and the worst supporting actress for “slasher musical” Repo: The Genetic Opera. Hilton made it a triple play as part of the worst screen couple (with either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore), also for The Hottie and the Nottie.

More “winners”:

Worst director: Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats & In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale & Postal

Worst supporting actor: Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!

Worst prequel, remake, rip-off or sequel: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:

Worst screenplay: Mike Myers & Graham Gordy, The Love Guru

Worst career achievement: Uwe Boll (“Germany’s answer to Ed Wood”)

For more info, go to the Razzies site.

So, the Oscars are all over for another year.  Almost a clean sweep for “Slumdog Millionaire”, but I am very pleased that “Milk” came away with Best Actor for Sean Penn and Best Original Screenplay for Dustin Lance Black.  Two great speeches – touching, yet understated:

Dustin Lance Black

Sean Penn

Penn wasn’t terribly impressed about the antigay protestors outside the Kodak Theatre, but they weren’t the only ones. 

Activists took exception to Jerry Lewis being given a humanitarian award, given his patronizing remarks about the disabled, dismissing female comedians as “baby-making machines” and describing cricket as a “fag game” on a trip to Australia.  Perhaps Lewis’ most cardinal sin is not being funny:

And while we’re on the subject of awards, we should spare a thought for those who won’t be basking in glory at the prospect of being recognized this week.  The Razzies are out, and Mike Myers has copped it for the failure of “The Love Guru”.

The Razzies are a great tradition, kicked off in 1980 with a slew of awards for the worst musical film of all time.  What was it?  It’s now a cult classic.  More tomorrow.

Como ya vimos (casi) todos, Slumdog Millionaire se llevo el Oscar a la mejor pelicula en esta 81 entrega. Pero como cada año, tambien se entregaron este fin de semana los ya clasicos premios “Razzie” a lo peor del cine en este 2008.

Al Guru del amor, ni como salvarlo desde la portada se veia algo extremadamente estupido, Paris Hilton se llevo 2 premios a la peor actriz protagonica y peor de reparto, este ultimo “premio” por su papel como la loca y adicta al bisturi Amber Sweet en Repo! The Genetic Opera. Y en la peor carrera, creo que nadie mejor que el señor Uwe Boll.

Aquí la lista completa:

Worst Picture:
* The Love Guru
* Disaster Movie
* Meet The Spartans
* The Happening
* The Hottie and The Nottie
* In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Worst Actor:
* Mike Myers (The Love Guru)
* Larry the Cable Guy (Witless Protection)
* Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave)
* Al Pacino (88 Minutes, Righteous Kill)
* Mark Wahlberg (The Happening, Max Payne)

Worst Actress:
* Paris Hilton (The Hottie and the Nottie)
* Jessica Alba (The Eye, The Love Guru)
* The Cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Meg Ryan)
* Cameron Diaz (What Happens in Vegas)
* Kate Hudson (Fool’s Gold, My Best Friend’s Girl)

Worst Supporting Actor:
* Pierce Brosnan (Mamma Mia!)
* Uwe Boll (as Himself) (Postal)
* Ben Kingsley (The Love Guru, War Inc, The Wackness)
* Burt Reynolds (Deal, In the Name of the King)
* Verne Troyer (The Love Guru, Postal)

Worst Supporting Actress:
* Paris Hilton (Repo: The Genetic Opera)
* Carmen Electra (Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans)
* Kim Kardashian (Disaster Movie)
* Jenny McCarthy (Witless Protection)
* Leelee Sobieski (88 Minutes, In the Name of the King)

Worst Screen Couple:
* Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore (Hottie & The Nottie)
* Uwe Boll & Any Actor, Camera or Screenplay
* Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher (What Happens in Vegas)
* Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy (Witless Protection)
* Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave)

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel:
* Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
* The Day The Earth Blowed Up Real Good
* Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
* Speed Racer
* Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Worst Director:
* Uwe Boll (1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name Of The King, Postal)
* Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans)
* Tom Putnam (The Hottie & The Nottie)
* Marco Schnabel (The Love Guru)
* M. Night Shyamalan (The Happening)

Worst Screenplay:
* The Love Guru (Written By Mike Myers & Graham Gordy)
* Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans (Both Written By Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer)
* The Happening (Written By M. Night Shyamalan)
* The Hottie And The Nottie (Written By Heidi Ferrer)
* In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Screenplay By Doug Taylor)

Worst Career Achievement:
* Uwe Boll

Y es que, sinceramente ¿ustedes verian una pelicula cuyo personaje principal es algo asi?:

Via info WorstPreviews

Via imagen

]]> http://japosblog.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/29th-razzie-awards/ Mon, 23 Feb 2009 05:50:39 +0000 japo http://japosblog.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/29th-razzie-awards/

Golden Razzie

As tradition, Razzies are given away the day before the Oscars, and the winners (or losers, rather):

Worst Picture:
- Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (jointly)
- The Happening
- The Hottie and the Nottie
- In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
- The Love Guru

Worst Actor:
- Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
- Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
- Mike Myers, The Love Guru
- Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
- Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne

Worst Actress:
- Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
- Cameron Diaz, What Happens in Vegas
- Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie
- Kate Hudson, Fool’s Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl
- Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Meg Ryan, The Women

Worst Supporting Actor:
- Uwe Boll, Postal
- Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
- Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru, War, Inc., and The Wackness
- Burt Reynolds, Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
- Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Postal

Worst Supporting Actress:
- Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
- Paris Hilton, Repo! The Genetic Opera
- Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
- Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
- Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Worst Screen Couple:
- Uwe Boll and “any actor, camera, or screenplay”, 1968 Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal
- Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
- Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore, The Hottie and the Nottie
- Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
- “Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy”, Meet Dave

Worst Director:
- Uwe Boll, 1968 Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal
- Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
- Tom Putnam, The Hottie and the Nottie
- Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
- M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening

Worst Screenplay:
- Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
- M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening
- Heidi Ferrer, The Hottie and the Nottie
- Doug Taylor, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
- Mike Myers & Graham Gordy, The Love Guru

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off or Sequel:
- The Day the Earth Stood Still (remake of the 1951 film)
- Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (jointly) (“rip-off of everything”)
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
- Speed Racer (rip-off of the TV series Speed Racer)
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (sequel to Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, prequel to Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)

Worst Career Achievement:
Uwe Boll