Lucky you’re here, then, and it’s good to have you.

Now, for a detailed account of how we’ve reached this point, read this and this, but here’s a brief synopsis. Our first day saw the field already pared down to eight. In our first match of the day, Jermain Defoe outlasted Brandon Marshall mostly through fitness and avoidability. Our second match saw Ashton Eaton pull off a stunning comeback over an unconscious Boaz Myhill, who unfortunately entered such a state by taking a javelin to the face. The third match of the day saw Luis Scola defeat Chris Gayle in a back-and-forth affair that was won by Scola at the buzzer. And in our final match of the day, Ed Honcho completely dominated Ben Roethlisberger, douchebag.

The semifinals began with Eaton outlasting Defoe thanks mostly to a well-placed put of the shot. Our second semifinal was marred by some controversial decisions and bizarre refereeing decisions as Honcho defeated a downtrodden Scola.

Which brings us to today.

Ed Honcho (Honcho Award Winner, 11/23/09) vs. Ashton Eaton (3/15/10)

From a loser-talk standpoint, these two are already champions. Like the Buffalo Bills, or the Chicago Cubs, or the Phoenix Suns. Great “champions”, all of them.

From reality’s viewpoint, one that I use from time to time, someone’s going home today unhappy (I bet I know who it is!). So close… yet so far away. He had it all… most. The #1 loser.

They took contrasting routes to get to this point. Eaton posted two come-from-behind victories following injuries to his opponents. Honcho coasted until the semifinals, when his large lead was almost overcome by a distracting, half-naked Argentinian. But he persevered (as he often does).

The national anthems have been played, the starting lineups have been announced, various prayers have been said and floated upwards… it looks like we’re ready to begin.

Honcho kicks off to Eaton, who carefully fields the discus near his own goal. He turns on his considerable jets and blows past the lumbering Honcho for the score! And just like that Eaton takes the lead. But wait… yep, we’ve seen this before, haven’t we? Honcho, in his best Vince McMahon, points out that the score can’t count, due to a convoluted “new” rule about world record holders, the discus, today’s date and the names with five vowels. Paperwork confirmed, the score is wiped from the board. It is his wonderful tournament… who wants to argue with the man?

And Honcho takes an early lead. His 45 foot putt, though long and well to the right of the hole, counts 4 points due to those exact stipulations. The man has a gift.

Eaton tries to stage a comeback during the 60 meter hurdles, but, according to a hurriedly produced document from Honcho, the point was to wipeout laughably at every hurdle, not win the race. Another 8 points for Honcho. If Eaton’s not careful, this could turn into a route.

And still more from Honcho. When Eaton spikes the winning point during long jump landing pad volleyball and it hits Honcho in the face leaving a Tachikara tattoo, Honcho points to a little-known proviso regarding that very event. What looked like a point for Eaton has turned into 24 for Honcho. He’s really pouring it on now.

And some exquisite play from Honcho! After Eaton launched his javelin further than it appears Honcho could drive a golf ball, or maybe even a small car, Honcho resorts to his rule-book mastery to take the points, turning around and throwing the javelin (meekly but correctly, in this case) in the opposite direction… the only means for scoring points, as it turns out. 48 of them.

Eaton, to his credit, does seem to be taking it all in stride. Just happy to be here, I expect. In the presence of such greatness.

And such is his pursuit of perfection, he rightly cries foul when Eaton pole vaults in for a ferocious slam dunk. Clearly, according to Honcho and Rule 65tgb722uu94-b, subsection d, any dunks perpetrated by anyone that attended the University of Oregon and performed using a pole-vaulting pole, mini-trampoline, full-sized trampoline, one’s own legs, another person as a platform, any sort of vehicle or other boosting agent, or one’s own arms in handspring style are not only disallowed, but their opponent is awarded 40 points. A brutal blow for Eaton! Can he recover!

But what’s this! Eaton is merely smiling at Honcho! Now he’s saying something! Smithers… Smithers! Are you in earshot! Yes? Good… Let’s send it down to Smithers to find out what’s going on. Smithers, what is he saying?

Smithers: Well, Eaton asked Mr. Honcho if he had anything in that book about being hit on the head by a foreign object hurled by… uh, I believe he said a well-programmed robot. To which Mr. Honcho replied “what?”, then started frantically flipping through his pages. Which he’s doing right now.

A well-programmed robot! Well that’s ridiculous! Did he glance in any certain directions, Smithers? Smithers! This is very important! Did you catch his eyes glimpsing in any certain dirrrrrrrrrrrrrr……

……..

……..

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Huh? Ouch. What’s going on. Crowd going wild. Head throbbing. Match official holding up… holding up Ashton Eaton’s hand. Wait… what?

Winner: Ashton Eaton (3/15/10)

Not possible. Simply not possible…. Bullshit! Bull-fucking-shit! You fucking stole my trophy! Give me that thing! You can’t do this to me! This is my god-damn tournament! There is no this without me! You… official… this can’t stand! What do you mean final? I make the fucking rules here! Get back out there! Turn those machines back on! Turn those machines back ooooooonnnn!

But more important than your well-being, we’re down the the final four of the inaugural NCHAA Tournament. For those that have so quickly forgotten the nuts and bolts of the thing, read this. For those who’ve been waiting with breath baited, breath freely. Your day has come.

Ashton Eaton (Honcho Award Winner, 3/15/10) vs. Jermain Defoe (11/23/09)

Our first semifinal. Again, to rehash their path to this point, check this out. And it doesn’t matter how they got here… only that they made it. OK, Eaton rode his luck a bit with a javelin to the face of his quarterfinal opponent Boaz Myhill, but a win is a win, unless it’s a loss.

And Eaton opens up the scoring by clearing the crossbar with a high jump, an impressive feat the diminutive Defoe can’t equal, going comically under it. Score one for Eaton. Not to be outdone, Defoe scores from a free-kick 20 yards out which Eaton can only flail at. All tied up in the early going here.

Defoe dazzles Eaton with a series of graceful stepovers, that in the end go nowhere, but the fans seemed to enjoy it. Likewise, Eaton astounds with an inspiring heave of the javelin that Defoe wisely avoids. But score another for Eaton. Defoe answers during the 60 meter hurdles by running under the hurdles without breaking stride, a blow in an event Eaton was favored to win.

And Defoe takes the lead with a brilliant piece of play, taking the ball from Eaton by throwing sand from the long jump landing pit into his eyes and waltzing in for an easy goal. Eaton seems rattled. And another dazzling play from Defoe! Eaton had broken free for an apparent goal, when Defoe tripped him up from behind using the pole-vaulting pole, which he then used to fling the ball into the goal. Just brilliant! Might Defoe be pulling away?

Oh! That could be a turning point ladies and gentlemen! What a play by Eaton! Defoe was winding up to unleash a wicked shot when Eaton, from some distance, hurled a shot from the shot put in his direction. The shot hit the soccer ball squarely just before Defoe’s foot and displaced it. Defoe’s momentum was such that he couldn’t stop his follow-through, and he kicked the heavy shot with full force. That’s got to be a broken foot! And Eaton takes the ball the other way for an easy score. The all-important 1000 meter race is next! If Eaton wins the event he’ll take Defoe out! Though he’s hobbled, Defoe’s not going down easy. And Defoe empties more pocket sand in Eaton’s face! But Eaton saw it coming and dodged most of it. Defoe pulls the pole-vaulting pole from his pocket and trips Eaton down as he’s rounding a turn, but he’s up quick, and it doesn’t look like Defoe can keep up. In a move reminiscent of Eaton’s quarterfinal match, Defoe hurls a javelin Eaton’s way. Eaton, deft of foot and sensing victory, steers clear of this final hazard and crosses the finish line! He’s done it! He’s won!

Winner: Ashton Eaton (3/15/10)

Ed Honcho (Honcho Award Winner, 11/23/09) vs. Luis Scola (3/15/10)

Our second semifinal, for the right to square off against Ashton Eaton in the final. Again, for the down-low on how these two gents arrived at this point, click here. Can Scola stop the juggernaut that has been Ed Honcho? Can even slow him down? Well, we’re about to find out.

And Honcho opens the scoring with a 12 point shot, which he apparently invented just before the contest got underway, and unbeknownst to Scola. Also, according to his haphazardly drawn rules that he just came up with, only missing it is worth 12 points, and only when it’s taken by someone with the initials E.H. How fortunate for him! Oh well, his tournament, his rules.

It serves to anger Scola, who backs Honcho into the paint and… oooh, Honcho yanks his pants down! And Scola’s freeballing! How embarrassing! Actually… given the, uh, circumstances, he’s got no reason to be embarrassed at all. Pride. That’s the word to describe… that.

And it seems to have shaken Honcho. Could the move have backfired? And Scola’s refusing to re-pants. He surely hasn’t planned on this! Wait, wait… he’s pointing to his rule sheet… yes, he has! It’s a 75 point deduction for anyone that refuses to re-pants following a pantsing, provided that a) it was done by Ed Honcho, b) it occurred on today’s date, and c) it involves anyone with the initials L.S. Such foresight!

Incensed, Scola proceeds to dunk repeatedly on Honcho’s glorious but cowering head. Could he possible make up for a 75 point deduction? It appears he’s going to try. Forcefully, and without pants. He’s inching closer, both literally and figuratively, and… wait a minute… what’s this? Honcho has put on boxing gloves! What could this foretell? Scola doesn’t like the look of this at all, you can see it on his face. They’re saying something to one another. Let’s throw it down to our sideline reporter, Smithers Van Houten… Smithers, what’s going on down there?

Smithers: OK, uh, Ed’s saying “dunk it again” over and over and over, and uh, Scola’s saying “take the gloves off” over and over and over again. And some Spanish. Probably cursing. He’s quite impressive.

Ah, a classic Argentinian standoff. Thank you Smithers, now go get that sand from Defoe like I told you to do, and stop staring at Scola!

Well, we’ve got a one-point game here folks. Honcho’s up on technicalities and shady rules, but Scola’s come all the way back and is within one basket of tying it. But here they stand in a traditional Argentinian standoff, and if Honcho can just distract Scola long enough, he’s going to advance to the finals. And the clock’s ticking down. We’re under ten seconds now! But wait… what’s this. Scola seems to have recognized what’s going on. He merely shrugs his shoulders and takes a five foot jump shot. Honcho watches in horror as it… goes in! Scola’s done it! There’s pandemonium amok! There’s… wait, wait… something’s going on down on the floor. Honcho’s produced some more hastily drawn rules… apparently, any basket scored by a half-naked Argentinian off a jump-shot once Ed Honcho has boxing gloves on is null and void. Is that true? Can we get confirmation? Smithers? Wait, we’re getting word now… yes, it’s true! And Honcho advances to the championship game to face Ashton Eaton! Scola’s inconsolable. What a contest, ladies and gentlemen, what a contest!

Winner: Ed Honcho (11/23/09)

It’s been a wild and crazy day here at Ed Honcho HQ dear readers. The twists. The turns. The blatant cheating. Tune in tomorrow for our championship game, but can we possibly top today? (You bet your ass)

But is that all you’re looking for out of a tournament? I don’t know. I like one with a little fire. I like one with a sense of humor. I like one with a sense of self. I like one that will slap the shit out of you then laugh. Maybe it’s just me, but I like some excitement in my life. The NCAA tourney? Sure, it’s got “excitement”, if buzzer-beaters and upsets are your thing… but aren’t those becoming a bit passe’? How can it be a surprise when it’s not a surprise?

So, in yet another of me taking my opinions and forcing them on all of you, and in the spirit of the season, I offer you the 1st Annual NCHAA Tournament (where NCHAA = National Coalition of Honcho Awardee Association… and yes, the redundancy is for emphasis… I don’t want anyone forgetting).

In short, I blackmailed the world’s finest bracketologists into setting up a 64 “team” bracket (consisting of Honcho-Award-winning performances), scrapped it when it wasn’t to my liking, re-blackmailed them when I decided the task was below someone of my skill-level, tweaked their final proposal to my liking, released the information I blackmailed them with to the public anyway, then pressed play.

What followed was a chaos so scarcely believable and ridiculously entertaining, I decided I couldn’t just keep it to myself. Giving… it’s a word thrown around to describe me in circles from the deepest jungles of central Myanmar to the densest thickets of south central Myanmar. So I’m introducing it to you, the world, as a substitute for that nice little tournament coming up this weekend that, if you really think about, leaves quite a bit to be desired. Let your desires run free here.

We join the action at the quarterfinal stage. There were some early round upsets, but 8 of our top 13 seeds have managed to navigate their way to this point. Let’s watch:

Brandon Marshall (Honcho Award Winner, 12/14/09) vs. Jermain Defoe (11/23/09)

Marshall reached this point by first winning a Honcho Award for his record-setting performance against the Indianapolis Colts by catching 21 passes in one game, for 200 yards and 2 touchdowns. He then defeated Kevin Durant in the first round, Kris Boyd in the 2nd round, then Durant again (Durant’s won multiple Honchos, don’t forget) in a thrilling Sweet Sixteen matchup only decided when Marshall, in pads, body-slammed Durant, a move that his lithe frame just couldn’t handle.

Defoe got here by first winning a Honcho Award for his 5 goal haul against Wigan (still the most to date), then squeaking past Al Horford in a thrilling first round fixture, only to blow out his  next two opponents, Toby Gerhart and Tottenham teammate Heurelho Gomes.

And today Defoe’s off to a quick start, scoring from a penalty kick when Marshall reached up and grabbed the ball. Marshall answers off an end-around, plowing through the tiny Defoe en route to the score. And Marshall’s letting him have it. The small Englishman seems unnerved by the brash American’s trash talking. You wouldn’t know it from that move though, as Defoe took the free kick quickly while Marshall was busy talking, and nutmegged him to waltz in for the easy score. Again, though, Marshall responds, taking full advantage of the fact that he’s wearing pads and a helmet, and de-cleats Defoe during the kickoff. He then completes a 50 yard strike to himself, out-leaping the smaller man in the endzone for the score. Following a brief exchange of ineptitude, Defoe strikes, recovering a Marshall fumble and booting it through the uprights. Marshall presses for an equalizer, but finds Defoe up for the task as he tips Marshall’s shot over the crossbar. And now the little man’s fitness is showing… he’s just toying with Marshall who simply cannot get hold of him. And there it is, Defoe dribbles out the game. A real disappointment from Marshall. I really thought he had a chance.

Winner: Jermain Defoe (11/23/09)

Ashton Eaton (Honcho Award Winner, 3/15/10) vs. Boaz Myhill (1/18/10)

Eaton joined the ranks of the elite by breaking a world record at the 2010 NCAA Track & Field Championships that had stood for 17 years. Then he dispatched with LeBron James and Alexandre Bilodeau with relative ease in the first two rounds before surviving Richard Dunne in the round of sixteen.

Myhill, one of the only underdogs remaining, reached this point by first winning a Honcho Award for stifling Tottenham to the tune of 11 saves, at least six of which were world class. Then he easily dispatched with Marin Cilic in the first round, before surprising Tomas Vokoun in the second and shocking Sean Payton in the Sweet Sixteen when he snuffed out an ill-advised onside kick attempt by Payton (with a soccer ball).

Both sides today seem to be feeling each other out a bit. Eaton tests Myhill with a long jump from 25 yards, but the keeper is up to the challenge, as Eaton falls well short of the target. And Myhill tries to catch Eaton off guard and boot one goal-ward, but the heptathlete pole vaults into the air and snags it in mid-flight. Impressive if frivolous. And, oh look at this! The underdog strikes first, taking the 60 meter hurdles by booting a ball into Eaton’s midriff as he crests a hurdle. Eaton tries to respond, but again the goalkeeper is up to the challenge, stopping the penalty Eaton had earned from a Myhill foot-fault during the shot put. Could we have an upset brewing? Eaton’s got his work cut out for him, and… OHHHHHH!, Myhill takes a javelin to the face! You have to admire the man’s bravery but question his methods, as time was running out for the favorite. Eaton easily rolls off a string of goals as Myhill fights on bravely but unconscious, and it’s all gonna come down to the 60 meter dash. Surely Eaton can’t be stopped now… but what’s this! Myhill has come to and is valiantly lining up for the run. Could he do it? Could he pull off the miracle?…. No. Eaton wins easily. And Myhill’s collapsed again. Perhaps a medic should be called.

Winner: Ashton Eaton (3/15/09)

Chris Gayle (Honcho Award Winner, 12/7/09) vs. Luis Scola (3/15/09)

Gayle made it this far by first winning his Honcho Award for his test hundred against Australia (at press-time, an unbeaten 155), then by narrowly defeating three formidable opponents… Sidney Crosby in the first round, James Anderson in the second, and Alexander Ovechkin in the Sweet Sixteen (disappointing all of us that were hoping for a Crosby-Ovechkin matchup, but that’s why the games are played… to anger me).

Scola’s here because he won a Honcho Award with his “double-taker” game (44 points on 20-25 from the field) over the weekend, and he’s kept his momentum with relatively easy victories against Rajon Rondo and Ndamukong Suh in the first two rounds before struggling against John Carew in the round of sixteen, only winning with a 45-footer at the buzzer.

And off the bat, Scola takes a wicket with a basketball. Is Gayle back to his free-swinging ways? Gayle fights back by bowling from behind the three-point line, which Scola clearly has trouble defending. Gayle increases his lead by dunking on Scola, using a bat to the mid-section to get the big Argentine to double-over from pain, then using him as a booster. Crafty. But Scola retaliates with a six and a stray elbow to the temple of Gayle. Gayle’s stunned, but manages to get a fast break started from a catch-and-run, then lays it in with an up-and-under. Gayle then manages a boundary, and steals the ball from Scola, but Scola recovers for a crucial block. Before Gayle can pull too far away, Scola hits a three, then another six, then a boundary, and he pulls away for a comfortable victory.

Winner: Luis Scola (3/15/09)

Ed Honcho (Honcho Award Winner, 11/23/09) vs. Ben Roethlisberger (12/21/09)

Ed Honcho won his Honcho Award for creating this unfathomably awesome site, then made it to this point of the tournament by utterly dominating first Kobe Bryant, then Garrett Hartley, then finally Ed Hochuli.

Roethlisberger, a douche, made it this far by first winning a Honcho by setting the Steeler record for passing yards in a game, then by squeaking by Britney Griner, Shekinna Stricklen then finally, Andrea Riley on a 64 yard touchdown pass as time expired.

And Honcho starts off with a three-pointer. Then a goal from a corner kick. Then a 75 yard field goal. Then a test hundred. Then a hole-in-one. Then a 300 game. Then a home run. Then he belittles Big Ben for his douchebaggery. Then a straight-sets victory. Then he goes five-hole. Then a triple-crown. Then a TKO. Then a royal flush. Oh, but look at that, Roethlisberger three-putts for a 5. Good for him.

Winner: Ed Honcho (11/23/09)

So there you go. You don’t see Duke’s point guard taking a javelin to the face, or Syracuse’s center using a pole vault to block a shot, do you? No. You want same-old/same-old, watch Jim Nantz this weekend. You want borderline crazy, tune in Thursday for the Final Four. Can Luis Scola slow the unstoppable force that is Ed Honcho? Can Ashton Eaton carry his fortune past Jermain Defoe? Who will be the first NCHAA Tournament Champion? There’s only one way to find out.