As women we tend to put a lot of weight in the romantic movies.  At least I did until recently.  My favorites being When Harry Met Sally, and The Notebook.  Even though one is meant to be a comedy and the other a drama, they both are at the top of my list for the same reason.  They depict a real relationship from birth to that point when they know they do not want to live life without the other person.  They get there in very different ways.  One through a slow and long friendship and the other from a highly passionate, summertime, first love experience.  But each really shows the twists and turns that can happen between a man and a woman.  Sometimes you think, how could this person ever have been the one that was meant for me but then after a period of time wonder how you ever thought they were not?  And other times you just know right away.

There is Sleepless in Seattle, where the woman makes written contact with a bachelor and then just has to meet him.  So she ends up taking a trip across the country to meet him.  Crazy.  We all eat this stuff up.

Or You’ve Got Mail, where the man and woman write not sharing any identifiable information about themselves while at the same time baring their souls to one another.  Ending in love.  YES!

Or Notting Hill, where the famous American woman strikes up a relationship with a lowly English bookstore worker because?  Well, he is normal and she is lonely.  The guy gets the girl and we cheer them on.

But what happens when the movie is over?  That is my concern! Because lately, my life has taken on the enviable traits of a romantic movie.  And I have always been one of those women who walk out of the theater with her hand on her heart, warmed but never expecting that to be reality.

I recently took a rather spur of the moment trip to Europe.  It was a long flight and for those of you who read my blog, you know that I have had a rough time of it.  My husband left me 9 months ago after two years of really hoping he would stay.  My heartbroken and then turning 40 I decided along with one of my best friends in life to take this trip to bring my spirits up and see some beautiful countryside.

It was an easy flight but it took some doing to get to our hotel room.  Even with the GPS, we kept being told to turn against traffic and after two long hours finally lugged our bags into our room.  We decided though it would be the first fun night of our 6 night trip and changed to get ready for a long walk along a river to a well-known bar district for a bite to eat and hopefully some laughs.

It was raining and it was cold.  And to be honest with you I was really pushing myself because I don’t normally walk blocks and blocks…anywhere.

But we finally arrived, a little wet, and a little tired and not knowing where to eat.  There were women with little cards trying to entice the tourists into their restaurant to eat.  But I figured if you had to ask them to come in – it was not worth the visit.  We were at a loss and decided to ask a security guard for his unbiased opinion.  We had noticed there was a group of men who had been looking at us walking along, turning their heads.  But really…we were not there for that.  So we did not pay any attention to them except for noticing them.

The guard suggested two places.  One sounded very American and was very crowded.  And the other was right next door and was a little old-world looking and quaint.  It also had less of an American menu so we picked it.  As soon as we walked in we heard U2 playing in the background and my friend threw up her hands and said…”Yes, this is the place!”  It was so hot because they had stove fireplaces burning.  We had just walked all that way so we began to peel the layers and also began introducing ourselves to the others waiting for a table and fanning ourselves.

There was an older couple and a single man waiting with us.  After chatting a bit we introduced ourselves to Martin.  He was on business from England on his own and shared he had visited the restaurant the previous night and was back again because he liked it.  We thought that was a good sign.  He shared that he was in sales and I said, “Oh, you are a rep?” and I think I said something wrong because he said, “Well…yes I suppose that is all I am.” or something like that.  But he laughed it off and seemed nice enough.

When we were seated at our table the waitress asked us if it would be okay to seat the gentleman at our table since he was alone and there were no other tables.  We said sure, why not!  And so it began.  The first thing that only really happens in the movies.  WHEN in real life are you in a restaurant and the waitress actually asks you if she can seat a single man at your table?  Maybe it happens often but not to this girl.  Ever in all my life I don’t think.

He was charming.  He had this lovely English accent of course and I could tell he was quite spontaneous as he shared stories of his travels to Turkey and other places.  Recently divorced and dad of two teens who he loved openly and with all his heart.  Most of the convrsation he monopolized with his traveling stories and then he brought up that he has really been searching for faith in his life.  And that is when we shared that we were Christian and both very committed to our faith and began sharing just a little bit.  He was so happy to have met us and couldn’t believe we had faith.  Apparently he does not know many people who do.  We exchanged business cards at that point so that maybe we could be a good influence on the direction of his search and dinner winded down.   He took the bill.  And seriously, when does that ever happen in real life too?  You have someone say, “I can’t believe that I have met you, this is amazing because we share a desire to be close to God.”  You probably don’t see that happening in the movies either.  But often times, there is a connection of some sort that seems “God inspired”.  And that is what I mean.  It was almost like fate.  Perhaps it was.

After dinner we went over to a pub and upon entering that doorway I heard, “Dexy’s Midnight Runner’s” sing “Come on Eileen”.  I seriously loved that song growing up.  And right away, I knew I was going to have a fun fun night singing great songs and yes, having my very first ever pint of beer.

The more we talked, the more we realized that we had many of the same interests in movies, and music in particular.  We laughed, we shared about our lives, we drank a little and we sang songs.  And it was almost as if time stopped.  Not that I stared into his eyes and decided that he was the most fantastic looking man I had ever met.  No.  It was more like…for the first time in years, I was having a good time.

I was laughing without thought of my misery.  I was truly in the moment.  Not looking backward and not looking ahead.  And I was living that moment of my life completely.

As the evening progressed we got a little closer, we laughed a little louder, he gave me more compliments that I pondered incredulously. I was having a genuinely good time with another man without guilt, without sadness for the first time in a very long time.

He was a perfect gentlman and I was genuinely confused.  He was nice, it was nice to be close to him.  But I was not really thinking about him as someone I would ever see again until we kissed cheek to cheek and said good night at three in the morning.  And the more I thought about him, the more I wanted to talk to him again.  The more I thought…this just doesn’t happen every day.  And maybe I should not just let it go.

So a few days later I emailed him and friended him on facebook.  He has a very good story as why he didn’t friend me first.  But since the day I did which was November 15, we have been communicating daily via email and chat.  Hours upon hours.  And there is quite a time difference.  And he goes to bed early so he can get up to chat with me before work.

We have shared our lives, our hopes, our dreams and laughed and kidded around and both of us are under the impression that there is something perhaps special about this happening.  And just like in the movies, he has decided that we really can’t know what it is unless he comes for a visit.  So he has book a flight today to come and visit with me for a few days.  To give us a chance to get to know one another face to face to see if we can be only good friends or something more.  I’m sure he is spending a great deal of money.  And I often feel a little bit of fear at what I have gotten myself into.  But at the same time…I don’t want to let fear keep me from something that can at the very least be a unique and special friendship.

I’ve had such a rough go of it that I’m afraid I have closed myself off emotionally.  Perhaps in another life, before I became so cynical I would have fallen madly in love with him?  Who knows?  And maybe I will.  Just like in the movies.

But my problem is that movies only last as long as that first trip overseas…what happens after that?  Of course I want it all planned out.  Of course I don’t want to have to risk my heart.

But that is where God comes in.  I know he has a plan with this.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it is for me to find love.  Maybe it is for him to truly find God.  Maybe it is both.  Only time will tell.  Only God knows for now and I will trust him with that knowledge and keep moving forward.

By Justin Cherot

I’ve tried this a couple of times on the old BETA Live From the Nosebleeds site, but essentially the gimmick with “The Notebook” is this: a smattering of thoughts that pop into my size seven head (by New Era standards), none of which are either big enough for an entire post or that I feel like writing about for an entire post.  This “Notebook” probably fulfills the latter criterion. 

And, to borrow an old joke from LFTN, no ladies… this has absolutely nothing to do with Ryan Gosling.  But just for the hell of it…

Nice.  Anyway, as the title of this post suggests, here’s basically what I’ve been watching this week:

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I don’t get to watch a ton of football due to my work schedule (for the record, I am the king of the auto refresh at my job) , but I did catch a whopping two games this week, from which I came to four very different conclusions about the four teams involved.  I watched Billy Cundiff kick the Baltimore Ravens past the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday night, and I watched a good portion of the New Orleans Saints drubbing of the New England Patriots on Monday night.  The four conclusions I came to, you ask?

Ever wonder if Drew Brees has had a bionic arm since 2006?

Saints- I forget whether it was the WWE or WCW, but either way Lex Luger used to straight up knock dudes out with his forearm.  Turned out the reason why–at least the storyline why–was because he had some kind of metal in his forearm.  The point I’m trying to make is that we should really check Drew Brees‘ throwing shoulder, because while he was good pre-injury, he was never this illegal.  He leads the most complete offensive football team I’ve ever seen.  Ever.  I’m not talking about from a “Let’s throw it up and score a zillion points” standpoint, which is nice and all, but far from complete.  Yeah, Breezy can win a game throwing 60 times to the likes of Marques Colston  and Devri Henderson, but he can just as easily take mismatches with Jeremy Shockey all day… or, he can give it to Mike Bell for punishing runs up the gut… OR maybe Pierre Thomas can bounce it outside.  The whole scheme just keeps you honest.  It helps that the defense is vastly improved over last year, but is that “D” good enough to get them a chip?  Questionable at this point.  If everything holds to form, that Saints/Vikings match-up could be redonkulous. 

Ravens- These guys may be the best 6-5 team in NFL history.  Would I need be evaluated psychologically if I told you they should be 10-1?  Think about it: all five of those losses have come in the all-in, A-K vs. 9-9 fashion.  Actually, with the way they’ve lost the games, you’d argue that they were the ones holdings nines (if I’ve lost anyone, nines hold about a 51% advantage prior to the flop…and if you’re still lost, just go back to my original point that the Ravens should have won the majority of those games).  True, the defense isn’t exactly impregnable this season (the secondary denies the rumors about being preggers with Chad Ochocinco’s baby), and the offense has been inconsistent throughout the year, but at some point you’ve got to think the Ravens will start winning these coin flips.  Maybe Sunday was the start of something new.

Steelers- Forget the game.  In fact, if anything I commend Dennis Dixon for his composure against a tough Ravens’ defense for 90% of the night.  Everything with them is all mental.  Literally.  First and foremost, Hines Ward throwing Ben Roethlisberger under the bus before the game???  It was like trying to process Rick James’ interview with Charlie Murphy.  I couldn’t believe what he was saying!  Playing with a bad ankle is one thing: when you go to play with your grandkids later on in life, yeah, you may have trouble catching Jimmy, but at least you won’t be calling Jimmy “Julio” instead.  You don’t agree with B. Roth not playing?  Fine… but that’s probably one of those situations where you’d want to keep your mouth shut (we’ll get to restraint much later on in this Notebook).  The bigger picture here?  Winning a Super Bowl twice in a row is tough, and it won’t happen again this year.  Too many variables.  The competition is tough enough, but when you mix in chemistry and overall chemistry?  Too much.

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Who is Trevon Hughes going to catch next with the ill handle? ESPN.com

As of December 4th, 2009 at 1:34 Eastern time, Trevon Hughes, a senior guard for the Wisconsin Badgers, is not projected to be picked in the NBA Draft according to NBADraft.net.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m missing something, or maybe he’s a victim of an overreaction to a small sampling, but Hughes is far and away the best point guard I’ve seen so far this season.  Maybe it’s because he has a little combo in him, but he can get his shot off against anybody while still maintaining his composure in that calculated attack that the Badgers employ.  Oh yeah… and he plays big against big competition: just ask Greivis Vasquez and Jon Scheyer, who he’s destroyed within the past couples of games.  The Spartans get all the attention in the Big Ten, but if Hughes’ play thus far is any indcation, Sparty is in for a fight.

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Brandon Jennings owns Milwaukee. BrandonJennings.net.

Got my first look at Brandon Jennings last night when the Washington Wizards beat the Milwaukee Bucks on a really sketchy bail-out call with one second left (on a positive note, though, Earl Boykins is the winner of the “weirdest, most random signing in the world that could possibly save a team’s season” award). 

Like most young players, yes, his shot selection is atrocious, but unlike most young players, he’s not afraid to take the big shot.  That’s amazing in itself, but what may be even more amazing than that is the fact that his teammates are force-feeding him the big shot… and they’re shocked when he misses.  That’s the sign of a leader to me. 

That being said, his shooting is finally coming back down to earth… although it’s hilarious that a guy whom paid experts said was an eratic shooter is shooting close to 48%  from three.  Still…  PROP BET ALERT!!!  PROP BET ALERT!!!  I’m taking the under on 40% from three by Dec. 25th.  Action???      

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Finally, without linking because I’m not giving either one of these stories anymore pub, we received two very different test cases on how to confront off the field issues within the past week.

We all know about Tiger Woods and the car “accident”.  Depending on when you’re reading this, by now it may have come out that an alien abducted Woods for 31 months and they just released him, leaving him with this bizarre PR mess (Vegas odds: 3-1… I’m just saying).  Still, despite the hoards of media digging and scraping for every obscure fact, Woods has actually handled himself in the correct, ”this is an in-house issue let’s keep it that way” approach. 

The other case, Mr. Ron Artest, is like the polar opposite of Woods.  I watched Finding Forrester before class today (sleeper pick for my favorite movie ever), and Sean Connery has a line that Artest would benefit from hearing: “You can learn a little something about restraint.”

I get it: he’s wired differently.  So?  Many would say I’m wired differently.  Yes, I write some of the most asinine prose on the face of the blogosphere, but even I know when to tone it down a tad (right, Colin?  Colin???).  And, I think I’ve got a surefire way to fix Artest’s problem: according to my “research” (AKA Googling with no significant results), Ron-Ron is not currently involved in a steady relationship.  Solution: he needs to find a woman.  A serious woman who he plans to either marry or stay monogamous with.  Most importantly, a sane woman who can buffer him. 

See, ever since getting screamed on by Shanta for one of my posts back in August (I will not share which one for I am smarter now), I have put everything I type on the web–whether it’s here, Facebook or Twitter–through the Shanta Test.  I don’t neccesarily run everything I type through her, but I just say to myself “Is this in any way going to embarass Shanta or anybody in her family?”  If the answer is yes, edit.  If the answer is no, fire away.  Simple is that, Ron.

With that said, I hope Eddie House breaks his face and has to have re-constructive facial surgery.  Stop looking at Eddie!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0332280/

I honestly have never in my life been told to watch a movie as much as I have this one. And yes this was my first time watching this movie.

Honestly I think this is one of those movies that got hyped up for me just a little bit too much. This movie was by no means a bad one, it was still really really good, but with the amount of people that told me I needed to see this, I expected a movie that was so good I would not find a comparison to it ever again. Well the movie was awesome, but I could easily pick out 10 movies that were better than it (at least in my personal opinion).

I would almost call this a chick flick, but that is completely wrong, this is just a plain love story. Its romantic, epic, and above all 100% relatable. From the man’s point of view it’s the one that got away. From the woman’s point of view, it’s the only person she ever loved (or at least I am assuming so).

I really cannot go into too much detail about the story without ruining it, since the entire movie is nothing but story, there is nothing else to go on. But I will say that the movie is well worth you time to watch. It is no masterpiece, but it sure as hell is one of the best love stories I have ever watched.

The ending was amazing. I could not honestly think of a better way to end the movie. It had me in tears it was so good. Even reflecting back upon it now while writing this I am getting tears in my eyes. And to tell you the truth, it’s not about how sad the ending is, but how amazingly awesome it is for something like that to happen. It’s something that every person wants, but only a rare few ever get to experience it.
All in all, it is well worth your time to watch it. I highly recommend it, but don’t go into it expecting it to be the best movie ever made and you will enjoy it.

Base Score = 8
+1 for an amazing story
+1 for being relatable
+1 for an amazing ending
+1 for making me cry
=12/10

I’ve been watching great movies recently, the last on I saw was “my sisters keeper” which was directed by Nick Cassavetes who also directed The notebook, he is awesome! And now I’m watching “wanted”. Hoping it is as good as it seems to be.

Have a great sunday

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.

- City of Angels

A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same.

-Fried Green Tomatoes

You’re not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.

- Good Will Hunting

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.

-Meet Joe Black

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They’re shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they’re gone.

- The Notebook

I’ve kissed a guy… I’ve kissed guys. I just haven’t felt that thing…. That thing… that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, ‘cause you feel so lucky that you’ve found it, and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time.

-Never Been Kissed

I was thinking tonight about China Man’s unfulfilled love.  A girl he was great friends with/semi-involved with at the end of this college career.  Things didn’t work out, by her doing, but they stayed friends.

I’ve thought about her kinda a lot in the last few weeks, like about China Man getting back together with her someday.  I figured out tonight why that makes me partly jealous.

Because if he gets back together with her, then that makes our whole relationship, something of a farse.  Like it never meant anything to him, because he wanted her before me and then he went back to wanting her after me.

Now, I have no idea if he actually will get back together with her.  It’s just sorta nice to figure out why that thought has bothered me a bit.

If nothing else, it would at least be nice to know that what we did have at one time was real.  Just like in The Notebook… he says something like, “I’m not bitter anymore, because I know what we had was real.”  That being true would make me feel better, because then even though it didn’t last, at least I wasn’t duped.  Even though I’m not (or shouldn’t be) worried about that at all.  China Man would be so ticked right now if he heard me say that (that I was duped).  So ticked.

Anyway…

the notebook

Download Link:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=TOMJ56V8

I haven’t watched ‘The Notebook’ in a while now, and I think I’ll watch it tonight. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I’m not really in the spirit. But, I am grateful, and very, very thankful for the things that have come my way, and everything I have in life. The picture in this post is my little sister, she brings the light into my life. The sweetest thing, ever. I hope she grows up to understand everything I’ve done for her. My biggest fear is her forgetting me when I leave. Have you ever had something you lost, a person, and you never wanted it/them back? Only for the reason that it/them hurt you?  I don’t know. My mind is very laggy and filled with a smoke of cloud today, and I can’t seem to start it up so I can function again. Many things have happened in the past 3 days, and it makes me upset that all of them were bad things.  Today’s post doesn’t really have a purpose due to the fact that I just woke up and my day hasn’t fully started or ended, yet. On the other hand, there’s 30 days until Christmas, and I’m excited. I know what I want, but I don’t want my mother getting it for me, I hate when she spends money on me, now. I know how hard she works for it and I know half the things she gets aren’t everything she deserves. She deserves the world. I need her to know she’s my hero. I hope she knows. The human beings in this world are so, I don’t know, so… selfish. Untrustworthy.  You can’t trust anyone, and other females can’t trust other females, and gossip spreads like crazy in my school, and… I need a break.

I still have not opened the email from my ex. I can see the first line and it seems harmless. “Haven’t heard from you in a while. How…” I am scared to open it. I have been down this road before and it just feels like opening pandora’s box. Last night my boyfriend had some nightmare about me calling my ex. He woke me up and kept asking me, “Why did you call him?” I was sure I did not so I told him to go back to sleep. The idea of me and my ex haunts him. That is scarry. I feel like I cannot open the message but at the same time I feel like I can’t just ignore him. I think I should answer in a platonic tone. Will that work? NO.

I was thinking we might need a break anyway and last night really got me thinking about it. We had some of the worst sex ever. I started thinking, when did the sex get bad? Right after the honeymoon phase ended, if I recall correctly. The first year in we were having bad sex. Why didn’t we just end it there? I guess we thought it would get better but it hasn’t. We have gotten better at having sex but the connection has not gotten any deeper. It is still just sex – sometimes really, REALLY good sex – but still just sex. I roll over and go to sleep afterwards.

Last night was not good though. It was horrible. He was asking me about it and I wanted to say, It’s dry, rotten sex. Now, get off me! but I was not trying to “ruin the mood.” Sometimes I think he is dilusional. There is no way he could think I liked that. Afterwards he was asking me if I was mad and if I was ok. I really never wanted to do it. I was sleeping and I was tired and not the least bit aroused. I knew it was a bad idea but he insisted. So after ten minutes of arguing why we shouldn’t have sex, I had to go into the bathroom to give myself a pep talk. Well, it didn’t work. I think once I make my mind up that it will be bad, it will be bad. I was cooperative though. Eugh…

Maybe we should just end it now. Three years have gone and I don’t see it getting any better. He thinks it will get better after graduation or after he moves to New York or after whatever but I’m starting to feel like I am just wasting my good years. I’m almost twenty one. We have been making it work since I was eighteen. I think it’s time to call it quits.

So, the original feeling of me missing my ex has begun to fade. I wonder about it but I don’t have any serious feelings about it anymore. It comes and goes and for now it may be gone. For whatever reason I want to continue to be his friend on Myspace but my bf doesn’t think this is a good idea. It might not be but it’s what I want to do. Some may think this is just asking for trouble but I think that is my decision to make. He is making a big deal about it. I hate when he says I have to do something. I don’t have to do what he says. It’s my decision. So he wants me to choose. I don’t like ultimatums. I hate being backed into a corner. So that is where we are for now. I hope he doesn’t really expect me to choose. I can’t. Maybe we do need a break. If I can’t choose between my ex and my current three years later, there is a problem. I’m just going to wait and see if he asks me about it again. We can go from there.

I swear, I don’t even know half the time. I have a overall plan that I follow for life. I know when I want to go to school and work and what year I plan to buy a car. I have those things planned pretty well. I have been following that schedule pretty tightly but when it comes down to the stuff that really matters on a day to day basis, the lines kinda blur and the rules get a little mumbled. I know the rules of relationships. I know them by heart. You don’t have sex with anyone but your boyfriend; You don’t yell at him in public, and so on. Then, there are some things that fall in between the lines. Can you visit his profile just for a look? Is that a legal move? I am not sure. It sounds like cheating emotionally…I hate Dr. Phil for these new psyche words that people can apply to ANYTHING.

I guess I am there. Right on the line of demarcation between the relationship that was and the relationship that is happening right now. I hate to love with one foot out the door but it gets hard sometimes. Who wrote the book on love and who said you can never miss your ex? WHO SAID THAT? I hate whoever told my boyfriend that because it is not true. He does not understand. I know it hurts him. The problem is some times what hurts him is exactly what makes me happy.

What are we doing? I never know. My biggest question is will I ever stop missing him? If not, any relationship with out him is pointless. This is another reason I can’t believe in God. If there is a god, why doesn’t he sort this thing out? Why would he allow me to fall for a man I can’t have? Why would he let me hurt two men because society won’t let me have the one I want? God…please…I was in church today and it was just a bunch of dancing. Nothing wrong with dancing but I was not moved nor was I impressed. I don’t know where I stand on church but it is not where everybody else stands. Definitely not. Today when I said I didn’t want to go to the concert they all said, “You don’t have anything else to do.” Really? Because I can think of some stuff and some places I would rather be. I know no man wants a church-loathing woman but I try not to be a liar and honestly, I just don’t believe it.

I feel sick to my stomach every time I see a someone playing with another person’s emotions. It’s so fucking sickening. My brother used to be like that, and I’m sure he still is at times. I know, and sadly have unknowing gotten involved with, several guys like that. It’s sick! Sex with different people that means nothing. If you’re both into one night stands, whatever, just be safe and don’t make a slutty habit out of it. Especially if you’re supposedly looking for that special someone, because then, it just makes you look like a bullshitting prick.

I hate when guys can’t count their sex partners. It rubs me the wrong way. And they’ve expierimented with heavy drugs. And you know they still do it a little bit, because they hangout with skeezy little stoners and people who snort and shoot, etc. And the drinking, they don’t know when to quit. Drinking and driving isn’t an issue because they don’t care. As long as they get what they want. Their idiots! And don’t even get me started on cheating. Only slutty skanks cheat. Especially if you’re not telling your partner about it. Do it once and you may have a shot. Do it twice, and give your partner proof…. Bye, bye! Believe me when I tell you they will find out.

Anyways, I’m so glad I decided not to watch The Notebook tonight. Then I would’ve been crying even harder. I already watched Brokeback Mountain tonight. Jeez! Anyways, have a good night!

I had the weirdest dream last night. Beyond weird. I don’t remember what I was doing but out of no where my ex boyfriend appeared and I hugged him for what felt like forever. It was the longest, most amazing hug. I felt this warmth right in the center of my chest. I don’t know if anything else happened in that dream. I just remember hugging him and smiling like I haven’t in a while. When I woke up, I was lying next to my boyfriend. He was sleeping soundly. I didn’t want to move. I still felt the warm, happy feeling from the dream but I knew I could not get it back unless I went back to sleep. It was like I felt my heart break.

I probably will never get that feeling back. It hurts still. That was almost 12 hours ago and I still feel guilty about it. It is sad. I can’t even tell anybody because I know my boyfriend is jealous and hates him enough. I can’t call my ex no matter how much it would make me feel better. I can’t tell a friend because they can’t offer any better solutions than I can. I have never loved anyone more than I loved him.

It has been three years since we broke up, two years since I have seen him, 6 months since we spoke (and that was just online) but I still feel the same way I did the day I met him. I feel like I will never feel any less love for him. I know he will never be able to give me a healthy adult relationship. I hate him for making me feel this way. I hate him for not being able to make a real relationship with me. I love him so much. I hate when I miss him. It does not happen often but every few months or so he pops back into my head or he calls/emails or someone tells me he asked about me. Will it ever feel any better? I don’t know but I am dying for a hug from those arms.

Most actors, including myself, LOVE acting but HATE auditions. The dreadful experience begins with the phone call from your agent. You have an audition. “Oh man” you tell yourself, “This could be the big one.” The pressure is on. Then comes the day of the audition. Why do I always get a pimple the day of a big audition?! Then when you arrive at the audition location you sit in a waiting room with a bunch of people that look like you- only better- waiting to be seen by some casting director who may not even watch you as you are bleeding your heart out to say the line, “Sometimes we do.”

The audition circuit is like going to job interview after job interview- it’s just not fun. But I learned something from the star of the movie “The Notebook” and “The Time Traveler’s Wife”. Rachel McAdams is said to give some of the best auditions in the industry. I heard her say in an interview recently that she LOVES auditions. She what?! She loves them because they give her a chance to do what she loves most: act.

Then a friend of mine who is a brilliant pianist told me a cool story… He told me that when he was growing up he would play piano in these big competitions. He always looked forward to them because it meant a chance to play on some of the nicest pianos in the world. At the competition all the other performers were intimidated and shaky and would often make clumsy mistakes out of sheer nerves. He always played his best in these environments and he usually came in first or second place. “Some of those other competitors practiced more than me… they might have been better then me… but they were so uptight that their gift couldn’t shine.”

So that got me re-thinking the audition circuit. I promised myself that the next audition I had I would ENJOY. I would see as a chance to have fun doing what I love!

So yesterday I had a voiceover audition downtown… The audition was for a General Motors Car Commercial and it was about the Vancouver 2010 Olympics. They wanted me to sound “young, fresh, urban and hip” and I read with another actress who was using a Parisian accent. Interesting huh? Hip Hop meets french toast. Anyway, I really had fun with it. I enjoyed myself.

So here comes the really cool part… as I was writing this blog (no joke) my agent called and told me I got the part!!! How cool is that!? And it may even become a campaign with a number of spots! I don’t want to count my chickens before the eggs are hatched though… I’m just happy to have this one! Whoo-Hoo! Thank you Rachel McAdams! And thank you to my pianist friend, Michael.

I have been wanting to read this book since it was announced to come out Summer of 09. Then I found out Miley Cyrus was playing the lead role of the adapted screenplay coming out April 2010. So I actually stumbled across the trailer for the movie. I didn’t even know they had one out yet. I will be honest, I am a little worried Miley can not pull off this role. There is a difference between TV acting and Film acting. My friend Vane and I are skeptical and sad at that because the story seems well written; I mean it’s Nicholas Sparks-amazing writer/novelist.

Either way, I am about to embark on this journey already in mind what I have seen on the trailer for comparison. I do hope she does well cause I could see myself truly loving this book and film. I hope the writer of the screenplay did it justice and that producers who chose Miley made a right choice.

I love Nicholas Sparks. I just wish he would more often than not keep things PG ish. I hate to rip out pages of work that I don’t feel comfortable or that its appropriate to be reading but other than that, I have sadly never been much of a reader. Have always wanted to be but it just wasn’t a natural forte of mine. Nicholas Sparks was on of the only authors that could get me to read a book in a day or two. His writing style is appealing and captivates, truly takes you to the moments written.

I remember reading The Notebook. It was this cover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

My friend Vane took me to the library and she spotted it and said “hmm, this looks like a good book”. After we got it she knew this would make a good movie.

That was 5 years before the movie was announced to be released in theaters. That was my first Nicholas Sparks novel. I read that sucker in 2 days. I love the story. When I saw the movie, every character (no lie) was EXACTLY how I pictured them. To the “T”!

Lon, Noah, Allie… exactly! That goes to show the kind of author Nicholas Sparks is.

So in “short”, I am very excited to read this book. Now if only I had a coffeehouse here in Florida to go to and read it! =(

Dont eat yellow snow and have a god night!

Miley Cyrus has a lead role in the new Nicholas Sparks film (author of The Notebook) called The Last Song, about the teenage daughter of divorced parents who spends the summer at her dad’s beach house. This will be her biggest serious role, if you don’t count the Hannah Montana movie. Greg Kinnear plays the dad who is a pianist and wants her to follow in his footsteps. I won’t be seeing it.

This girl cracks me up. She has a #1 hit with Party in the USA and then says she’s never even heard a Jay-Z song. And she says it with no embarrassment at all. She just doesn’t care. And now she says she doesn’t like Twilight, has never seen the film or read the books and never will. She said, “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. I don’t like any of the stuff. I don’t like the wolf that pops out on the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts, I don’t like anything about it.”

It’s not that I care what she likes or doesn’t like, but I think it’s hilarious how she has no tact and doesn’t play the celebrity game of pretending to like everyone. She is, you could say, real and her real personality is a snotty brat. I kind of dig that she doesn’t pretend she’s not.

Here’s the trailer for the film, in case you care.

1. .PRETTY KISSES.

A la Ryan Gosling & Rachel Mcadams and Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg and Carrie and Big

2. .BUYING FLOWERS.

3. .LITTLE BLUE DRESSES.

This LBD is a Summer Finn of (500) Days of Summer staple.

4. .MIXING SILVER & GOLD.

5. .RANDOM THINGS.

6. .NATALIE PORTMAN’S FACE.

7. .FALLING BACK IN LOVE WITH OLD FAVORITE MUSIC.

Such as Dispatch.

8. .BALLOON RACES THAT ARE PRETTY.

9. .ADORABLY-DRESSED BOYS.

10. .QUESTIONS.

Peace,

Sources: bear, longlivethequeen, fashionunder100.net, people.com, bleubird vintage, nj.com